#crack-ish

[misto713]

Dinner First, Please!

[MC/Luminary]

The Traveler took to Cael's lessons about her mysterious powers well. While she still felt like a pure novice, she had figured out a couple useful tricks.

Like covertly listening in on other travelers' and imperial agents' conversations, for one.

As such, she couldn't help but overhear that delightful conversation these two were having. About her. Without her.

That just wouldn't do.

"Of course, I know she's yours. That's why I'm willing to make a deal. What can I offer you in exchange for her?"

"Your own ass, for starters!" she jumped in.

Both men flinched.

She grinned and figured out how to 'display' her own avatar. Cael coughed to hide a snort when he saw her hat - a spiritual copy of his own. Her grin grew wider.

"One thing you could offer, sir Luminary, would be to invite me out to dinner. That is customary in my world, when someone wants to show interest..."

Cael chose that moment to jump in, "Dearest, please, I'm trying to protect you. Trust me, getting involved with anyone from the Empire wouldn't end well for you. Not even me. I want you to retain your freedom as long as possible."

Her eyes turned tender as she looked at Cael. He has always tried to do his best by her and she loved him for it. But... "I know you're trying to protect me, Cael. I appreciate it. But I still want to try this - there's just... something here," she blushed and looked away. No way will she put those sparks between Luminary and herself into words when she wasn't even certain what they were. Especially not in front of Cael. "I want to try. Even if it would be a mistake, I still want to try."

She heard a small aborted gasp and turned to check, but Cael was surprisingly calm and he had an eyebrow raised while looking at... Luminary?

The dangerous agent stood straighter than before and was pretending very hard that her words didn't influence him at all.

But she could tell.

She suppressed a smile and crossed her legs to sit more comfortably.

It's always been like that - he was domineering towards Alkaid, and now Cael too, but seductively persuasive when he talked to her. Just like in Eden. Just like now.

"What would our Traveler suggest then? A visit to the Empire? Or would she prefer that I visit her world?"

"Sir Luminary could suggest a more neutral grounds, perhaps," she replied in almost the same tone. "A nice little world somewhere out there in this vast universe, with tasty food and beautiful scenery. I can get myself there, not to worry, and please make sure I'll also be able to get myself back." She gave him a pointed look. "I'm not the sort of girl that puts out on the first date. But I can always be convinced to return for another one..."

In the background, Cael sighed.

The Traveler struggled not to blush, as having him watch made this conversation feel so awkward.

Luminary smiled. "Of course. Allow me to send you the coordinates-"

"You can send them to Cael, Prefect." She interrupted with a raised eyebrow. No way will she grant him access to her mind that easily. She wasn't that stupid.

Luminary clicked his tongue, but relented with an almost pleased smile.

Their careful banter continued for a bit, then Luminary excused himself and, with one last heated look in her direction, disconnected from the call.

Then it was only her and Cael in this strange space.

Cael looked at her, somewhere between exasperated and worried. "This won't end well, you know."

"Possibly," she admitted quietly. Despite her bravado, she was a bit worried. But when she heard that Luminary wanted her at his side, something in her jumped at the chance. "Just know this - no matter how the date ends, it was my decision to try and you did your best. Also, our meeting at White Day still stands, I have your gift ready!"

Cael smiled and shook his head. He never could say no to her. "I'll be there."

His avatar's hand reached out and patted her on the hair. "I'll better go. There are a few things I can do to make sure your meeting will be more secure, so I'll start the preparations."

With one last sigh, he turned away. Just before the call ended, she heard his parting words, "And stop trying to steal my hat!"

The End

--

A/N: That screenshot confirms it. Luminary really would do anything... except ask the person in question what they think and if they're willing to give him a chance. Ask Cael to join the harem? Of course not! He'd rather kidnapp MC. Ask MC out on a date? Of course not! Better to threaten the 'main wife' into handing her over (and fail the persuasion check. nat 1 all the way, bro!)

Also, can someone please photoshop Cael's uniform's hat on MC? :D It would be hilarious, especially if she wore it to her date lol

[soulless-angel25]

Fluffy Feburary [2024], Day 2 Prompt- Eavesdrop @fluffyfebruary

It had all started very simply, or well... Ronodin thought it had started very simply, he still wasn't quite sure how it had gotten to this point. With him sat in the Sorenson's living room, a Christmas tree up in the corner with several people glancing cautiously at him- as they should.

He had simply been listening in on Kendra and his cousin, and really, the should know better then to talk where someone could easily eavesdrop. And yet somehow, he was caught! Him! Master of hiding and deception and a million other things. (No, he was not going to give that dragon credit for finding him.)

And so. Here he sat in the Sorenson's living room. Ruth(?) staring at him, no amusement on her face as she held a crossbow- a loaded crossbow!- at his face. A few feet to her left was a rather boring looking man that he couldn't recall that name of (David? Daniel? Whatever.). And a satyr! Now, he didn't really have anything truly against them but... really? A satyr in their house? Did they not care about the furniture?

Nearest to him was his beloved cousin, son of the Fairy Queen, Bracken. And opposite his (annoying) cousin was the Fairy Queen's handmaiden, Kendra. Really, if anything it was their whole fault he was here!

Once he'd been found someone had ushered Seth away, which Ronodin found quite rude. Sure, he might've emotionally manipulated him- but everyone emotionally manipulated someone at one point or another!

...

...three hours had passed. Somewhere after the half hour mark the satyr had left the house, but promising that he'd be back later with another satyr (Nick? Newel?).

Then after the hour the plain man (Dale!) had stood up and said that he needed to get back to his chores, not before leveling a glare at him though. Really! The nerve of these people. Did they not understand how rude they were being to him?

Around two hours later, when the sun was making its descent Ruth had reluctantly stood up and made Kendra and his cousin promise to keep an eye on him before she disappeared.

And so, after the three hour mark Kendra had inquired if he would like something to eat. Now, you must understand- he was not a picky person when it came to food. But he had very much laughed in her face, which quickly made her retract the offer of food.

At the realization that she seriously wasn't going to get him food unless he apologized he pouted. Wasn't she supposed to be a 'good guy'? What kind of good guy didn't feed their guests?

Another half an hour later he finally caved and (politely) asked her to get him something to eat. Since really, he did need to eat something. Before she'd left she had made eye contact with his cousin that seemed to make him promise to keep an eye on Ronodin.

...

...an unknown amount of time later he'd been released from him bondage.

And somehow he was... enjoying spending time with his (moronic) cousin and Kendra. Perhaps it was because he felt some... peace, from being around just the two of them. The light magic that emanated from them felt like a cool balm against his skin. Like a memory of something that had once been familiar to him.

He found himself lowering his guard around the two. The barbs coming from him not feeling as venomous as they should, and the ones coming from his friends enemies didn't feel as venomous as they should either. They felt... like the snark one would expect from people who had known each other their entire lives and were friends. Not two unicorns and a mortal(?) handmaiden to the Fairy Queen who were enemies.

At some point, Ronodin realized that there was a blanket wrapped around the three of them, with another spread across their laps. He was stuck in between them but it didn't feel bad... it felt safe. Even as he felt Kendra's head on his shoulder, soft breathing coming from her as her eyelids fluttered. Or his cousin's soft voice that made him feel like he was a young unicorn again and his older cousin was telling him stories.

It felt like home. That was his only thought as he felt himself rest his head on Kendra's and slowly drift off to sleep.

[mayohigan-orange]

Earlier in Chen's life...

"You fool... you will wish that you had not pushed me this far."

"For now you face..."

"...My ultimate attack!"

"Prepare for your defeat!"

SPEEEEEEEE-

[multiverse-swampy]

"If Wriothesley had a social media account, would he be the Wolf of Meropide?"

[dracotopsharryarchive]

In Waiting Rooms

Author: TatsuKitty Rating: Mature Warning: Kind of Crack Creature: Words: 5,597 Summary: The waiting room in Saint Mungos was small and dotted with squashy armchairs in neutral tones Harry assumed was supposed to be soothing. He sighed in frustration and ran his fingers through his hair, undoubtedly making himself look like a peeved hedgehog.

Read it: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1275451

[dementedspeedster]

Well, she has a point. There’s no better argument than ‘be gay do crimes’.

[heterochromatica]

“If being a thot means I can touch my boyfriend whenever I want, I want to be one.” yes, he actually said that. 

[frxst-flxke]

I'm the Acting Grand Sage now

[maledictuspueri]

If and/or when Volo gets questions about "why do you look so much like Cynthia?" he answers with varyingly wild and outlandish responses

"I'm her secret twin" "We're both robots" "Clones" "I am Cynthia" "I'm her great great grandfather, I just have a very good beauty regime" "You're just imagining things"

[rosevalleynb]

microfic may 2022 day 30

@microficmay

Prompt 30. Wax & Wane

Summary: Their friendship was like the tides.

AO3

Their friendship was like the tides, ebb and flow. Periods of inseparability alternated with stretches of minimal communication. But it had never been about the quantity with them girls, but the quality of their moments together.

Regardless of where they stood in their lives, boyfriends, husbands, children, or careers, they could always rely on each other. A short message, often nothing more than a single word, was enough to drop everything and come to each other’s rescue.

And that’s why Katie was here tonight, standing in her best friend’s back garden with a shovel in hand to clean up a mess as if it was an everyday occurrence. She kicked the rolled-up carpet and snorted, not in the least disturbed.

“How deep are we digging?”

[decanard]

He’s silently chewing on a piece of black licorice 

[parisianprinceling]

Rumors

(on AO3 here)

Vampy Vincent is back (this is very crack-ish, and not proofread, so take it with a grain of salt please, it's just for funnies to get me through finals).

Vampires weren’t real–or so she told herself. 

But if anyone were to fit the title, Vincent Karm would be a deadringer. 

Tall, dark, and handsome, her fiancé played the role of the mysterious CEO so well he could have stepped out of one of the cheesy romance novels on her bookshelf. The grace with which he carried himself was almost inhuman at times, never losing his balance or stepping on anyone’s toes. His reflexes mimicked those of a cat’s, always aware of all the moving parts around him and evading any collisions within milliseconds. 

It didn’t help that he liked playing into the “big bad wolf” persona that TJ had pointed out all that time ago when she had asked him if Vincent actually came from the middle ages–though to be fair, she didn’t know anyone else that dressed in a three-piece suit everyday and spoke as if they were a character in some gothic, Byronian novel.

She had learned to accept his eccentricities as they came. They hadn’t given her any real cause for alarm, he was just dramatic. That was all. 

It wasn’t until almost four years later, after the events that had led to their eventual romantic union and she began living with him, that she began to notice how odd his behaviors really were. 

To begin with, the man didn’t sleep. Or at least she could never seem to catch him in the act itself. He was always the last to come to bed and the earliest to rise, and on the rare nights where they got in bed at the same time, he had always disappeared by the time she woke up, like he had never really settled in at all. Some nights, she wasn’t even sure if he had come to bed, waking up to half of a perfectly made bed and finding him poised in the kitchen, reading the morning newspaper with a cup of coffee in hand. 

But even when she wasn’t half asleep, his behavior was decidedly strange at times. 

He preferred his steaks nearly raw, and while she could understand the value of a rare steak, his were always practically still bleeding when he cut into them, the juices as red as the wine–or what she hoped was wine–in his glass. As red as the wine he often drank at parties with his signature sly smirk, keeping a sharp eye on all his guests as they moved across the room, tracking their every move with precision as if he was sizing them up. Before, she had just thought it was part of his cunning nature, keeping tabs on potential prospects, but after spending more time with him and observing his strange behaviors more and more, she couldn’t help but wonder if maybe he was keeping tabs on potential meals instead. 

Still, there were no such things as vampires. Their existence wasn’t scientifically possible, and even if it was, she was sure it would have been more obvious to her that she was engaged to one. After all, no one could have a warm meal dangled in front of their face everyday without being tempted enough to take a little bite. 

So there was no need for her to worry. She just needed to let it go.

Unless…

There was no harm in making sure, right? 

At least, that’s what she had thought before everything had gone wrong. 

Trying to catch him ended up being much harder than she thought as she found herself with a half-finished dinner, the garlic bread she was planning on presenting to him reduced to smoking charcoal that was stuck to a pan sitting on the stovetop. Though he had entered with a handkerchief covering his nose, she had no way of telling if it was because of the overwhelming garlic scent or because he was simply afraid of inhaling the fumes in the kitchen that had been created by her failed attempt, and she couldn’t fault him for that. 

Even plan B had failed, if the small bandaid on her finger was anything to go by. After dinner she had pricked the tip of her finger while cleaning up the dishes, turning to him as a small droplet of blood rose to the surface. But instead of a crazed reaction, she had only received a sigh in response as he gathered the first aid kit, pressing a kiss to the top of her head and begging her to pay more attention to her surroundings.

By the end of the night, she had to concede. Whatever plans she could have used to test him had all fallen apart without any real evidence to back up her suspicions. He was just a normal human after all, albeit an outlandishly melodramatic one at that. 

And so, here she was, defeated, her head resting against his chest as they snuggled up on the couch while the night came to a close. He had shed his jacket and waistcoat to avoid creasing the fabric and was laying back against the armrest of the couch, making room for her between his arms and the book he was currently flipping through, a pair of wire-rimmed reading glasses perched on the bridge of his nose. 

“I’m sorry I burnt dinner,” she sighed, lifting her head to look up at him. “I’m sure you were hoping for an actual meal after a long day of work…”

He glanced down at her before laughing softly and pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

“The effort was appreciated nonetheless, Isabelle, “ he smiled and closed his book before sliding off his glasses, setting them both down on the coffee table beside them. “Even if it’ll take weeks for the smell of garlic to leave my clothes,” he teased, wrapping his arms around her and giving her a light squeeze. 

She rolled her eyes, her face warming in embarrassment. 

“You’ll survive,” she sighed and rested her head back against him, letting her eyes close as she got cozy in his arms, her guard falling in his comforting presence. “I’m just glad you didn’t run away screaming.”

He paused, watching her with an amused, questioning expression. 

“Why would I have run away screaming, chérie?”

Oh fuck. Now she blew it. If he didn’t think she was crazy after all of her stunts at dinner, he certainly was going to think she was now.

She groaned, burying her face further into the fabric of his shirt, desperately trying to muffle her words. 

“Because I thought you were a vampire,” she mumbled. 

“What was that?” he prompted, finding her evasion attempt rather amusing. 

“Because…” she sighed, lifting her head back up again to look him in the eyes. “Because I thought you were a vampire…”

She could feel him tense beneath her, his face unreadable as he processed her words. 

“A…vampire?” he questioned. 

She opened her mouth to respond, afraid she might have offended him in some way, but was cut off quickly as he suddenly burst into laughter. 

“You thought I was a vampire?!” he questioned incredulously, his laughter trailing off slightly but not dissipating entirely, clearly tickled by her admission. “Is that why you were cooking with that ungodly amount of garlic?” He chuckled, gently stroking her cheek with his thumb. 

She sighed and nodded, her cheeks a bright shade of pink that matched her utter humiliation.

“I know… it’s stupid. I just figured…–”

He shook his head, silencing her gently with a finger as he grinned down at her.

“It’s certainly not stupid, ma chérie,” he purred. “It’s actually quite clever.”

Now it was her turn to be confused. What did he mean by that? She had done nothing but embarrass herself all night, and he thought she was being clever? Surely he must have been trying to save her dignity. 

“I’d hardly call any part of tonight clever, but I appreciate your effort at salvaging my pride.”

He watched her for a moment with the same amused expression before she suddenly found herself being flipped over, her fiancé situating himself on top of her with a mischievous grin. 

“Vincent–” she objected, quickly cut off by the intoxicating feeling of his lips against her skin as he leant in and began a line of kisses down from her jaw, his head settling into the crook of her neck. Her breath caught in her throat and she leaned back, unwittingly offering more of her neck for him to cover with his practiced affections. “What… what are you doing?”

“What if I said you were right, hm?” he purred, continuing his kisses as far down as he could, reaching the hem of her collar, just precariously above the line of her bust, before lifting his head back up to meet her gaze, eyes narrowed and lips curved into his signature smirk. 

“Would you flee? Or would you find it exhilarating, knowing that all this time you had been at the mercy of a big, bad vampire?” he teased as he leant in, his warm breath gently brushing against her lips.

Far too wound up to give a true objection to his taunting, she gave a half assed response as she pulled him in closer, seeking to close the gap between their lips.

“Oh please,” she purred back with a grin of her own. “Bite me.” 

A chuckle reverberated through his chest as he pulled back to look down at her once more with a wide, wolfish grin, finally revealing a pair of dangerously sharp incisors that she hadn’t noticed before. 

“If you insist, mon chou,” he crooned, brushing his finger softly against her cheek. “But you really should be careful what you wish for. You never know what might come true.”

No. This couldn’t be happening. After all of that, this is how she found out?! 

He leaned his head back down to slowly work kisses against her neck once again, only this time, she was frozen in place, unable to react as she processed the fact that she had been right all along. Her fiancé was a vampire, and he currently had his fangs extremely close to her jugular, much too close for comfort. 

“Are you going to kill me?” she asked finally, her voice so quiet she might as well have not said anything at all. 

He paused, halting his kisses before he jerked back away from her suddenly, the mischievous expression on his face melting into one of dubious amazement, as if he was offended by her question. 

“Isabelle…really?” he prompted with a furled brow, putting some space between the two of them.

She blinked at his incredulous reaction, pushing herself up to a sitting position as he pulled back, still watching him with a cautious, yet confused look. 

“What?!” she questioned back, her own eyebrows raising to mirror his own. “You just… flash your fangs at me and expect me to think you’re not about to drain me? After that little speech?”

He watched her for another moment with a blank stare before closing his eyes, a hand raising to pinch the bridge of his nose as he exhaled and clenched his jaw–a signal of his obvious annoyance. 

“Isabelle, why would I kill you? I was trying to seduce you!”

“Because I just discovered your big secret…?” she said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

After a minute of watching her through narrowed eyes, he sighed, gently gripping onto her wrists with his hands. 

“Ma chérie,” he started. “I just willingly told you my big secret,” he raised an eyebrow pointedly. “Not to mention, you’re my fiancée. I’m certainly not going to kill the woman I’m betrothed to. That would make me terrible husband material.” 

She watched him for another moment, not pulling her wrists away but not trusting him fully yet after he had just whipped out his mouth-knives and put them so close to her neck. 

“You promise?” she questioned cautiously. “You aren’t just using me so you can eventually sink your teeth into my delicious veins?”

He rolled his eyes, moving his hands slightly to entwine his fingers with hers. 

“No Isabelle, I’m not using you to get to your delicious veins, I promise,” he started, pausing after a minute and tilting his head with his signature sly grin. “Though I wouldn’t turn the offer down, if you asked,” he purred. “I’m sure you taste divine.”

She immediately glared at him, offended that he would even mention such a thing after just assuring her that he wasn’t out to use her as a blood bag. He shot her back an innocent look. 

“Okay, okay! It was a joke,” he laughed softly and wrapped his arms back around her, pulling her back against him in a tender hug. 

She sighed and relaxed back into him, feeling much better now that she knew her fiancé, who was a vampire after all, wasn’t going to be draining her with his shiny fangs anytime soon, or at least, as long as she didn’t want him to. 

Weirdly enough though, it was somewhat exhilarating to know that she was at the mercy of the big, bad vampire after all. There was just something appealing about being in such close proximity to danger, something she couldn’t describe, regardless of how she had reacted before. Knowing that she had control over the situation…

It was actually kind of sexy. 

“You know what?” she paused, pulling back to meet his gaze. “On second thought, why don’t we revisit that option?”

She was met with the same wolfish grin as before and the two of them fell back against the couch to resume what they had started, fangs included. 

Maybe having a vampire as a fiancé wouldn’t be so bad after all. 

[blood-starved-beast]

Keep seeing people say that Irelia has students cause of her lines with Blossoming Blade (disgree, but I already wrote about that and I’m not gonna talk about her relationship with Liana and how that’s not a teacher-student relationship at all based on those lines). But! The concept as Irelia as a dance instructor does have some potential there (if anything, would explain why her outfit is so similar to Zinneia’s).

Consider instead, Irelia a dance instructor/master of her old dance school at the Placidium but in a fun hilarious turn of events/misunderstandings Irelia somehow gets set up to teach not the teens wanting to join her resistance but instead gets put in with like, the beginner students. Which, as a school of thought/dance means kids like 4-6 years old or something. And just, imagine the chaos of Irelia, who spent the past several years rallying armies against Noxus, facing her biggest threat yet: toddlers.

After freaking out internally that this was not what she expected for like, 10 minutes with them staring at her, and or getting distracted. Imagine her giving a great speech in a lecture format akin to her rallies and waits for questions at the end only for a 4 year old to raise their hand and ask if they could use the bathroom. Among other ‘Just kid’ things

Just, the possibilities for comedy are endless

[mayohigan-orange]

“Wow, Anna’s pretty old... she might be 3 times as old as I am, if not more!”

“...I wonder if she’s still sore about being beaten by a baby like me~”

[mikauzoran]

Adrienette, Marinette & Félix, Adrien & Félix: Chaotic Friend Group Crashes Pool Date (One-Shot)

Read it on AO3: Adrienette, Marinette & Félix, Adrien & Félix: Chaotic Friend Group Crashes Pool Date – “I hate to see you hurt, but I love to see you cry.”

Summary: Adrien starts the day by crashing a pool date with his reluctant friends. He ends the day dating Marinette and thinking that his father is an exotic animal smuggler.

Pairing: Adrien Agreste/Marinette Dupain-Cheng, Marinette & Félix Graham de Vanily, Adrien Agreste & Félix Graham de Vanily

Rating: T

[writer-rider-flirty-thirties]

It's date night and Adrien got to pick the movie. 94/101 of Fanfic Wars (2022)