Carl
pair: Carl Grimes x fem!YN Dixon
synopsis: when things start to go wrong and Sophia ends up lost, the group splits up. However, things don't go as planned, and now Yn must face her memories.
warnings: angst, typical TWD scenes, violence, comfort, fluff, abusive father is mentioned, mentions of religion (yn is not a believer but explains why), dislike towards Andrea, mentioned seizures, fools in love.
era: (S2)
words: 7,3k
A/N: this one shot 's part of a series called "feel special" !!
'm sorry if u see some grammatical mistakes!! ♡♡
dividers from: @cafekitsune ! ♡
main masterlist carl masterlist
YN'S POV
we lost the camp, we lost people. Hell... we even nearly died twice after that. Once because of a human, and once because of a horde that surprised us on the highway. And because of that horde we lost Sophia, and now we're all trying to find her.
i feel nauseous just thinking about the possibilities. In these months i became really close to Sophia, and i know how quickly she panics, i know how much she freezes when things go wrong... and away from her mother? i really wanna think that we'll find her and that she'll be okay, but the odds are not on our side.
we've been looking for her for over a day at this point. We even went to a church when we heard a bell, thinking she would be there, but instead we only found more death.
Daryl, Rick and Shane took out the walkers inside, as there were only three of them. Then we all entered, checking every corner although it was obvious that Sophia wasn't there.
near me was a figure of a crucified Christ, so i approached it, feeling a little insecure about what i was about to do.
i've never really been a believer. I know Daryl tried to believe for a while, but it's hard when life is constantly putting you in shitty situations. I prayed to God every time i received beatings from my old man. I begged him when things at home were going to hell. But none of those times did i feel like something was rescuing me, like something was helping us, so eventually i stopped begging, i stopped waiting for God to help me, and i started standing up for myself.
but now… now i need some of that hope, i need to believe that she'll be okay. I need to believe.
“hey JC” i said “ya takin requests?” i immediately felt stupid, 'what am i doin?' i asked myself, sighing. I soon decided to get away from there, meeting Carl.
“hey,” i greeted him, leaning against a wall outside the church, with Carl standing in front of me.
“hey” he tried to smile, but a grimace came out instead. After that he just sighed, shaking his head. “Sorry, i'm tense, i wanna believe she's fine but…”
“ 's hard, the odds don' tend to be on our side” he nodded “i wanna believe that we're goin' to find her, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but we're goin' to find her” i tried to say firmly, and it seemed to work, because this time he did smile a little.
“i'm going in, are you coming with me?” he asked me, but i shook my head.
“nah, 's not my place. I don' like churches” i confessed, noticing the curiosity on his face.
"can i know why?" i was going to answer, but he seemed to get nervous by the way he expressed himself, as his eyes widened and his face turned red “i mean… if you want, you don't have to do it if you don't want to or if it makes you uncomfortable. I didn't want it to sound rude."
“ 's okay, Carl.” i laughed a little. “i always felt that these types of places lend themselves to creatin' false hope, and sometimes attractin' some people who are lookin' fer an excuse to reject others. Don' know. But i understand if ya believe, i mean, it's good sometimes to have hope... it's just that i lost it a while ago."
“i used to go to church with my parents when everything was fine and they didn't fight, but when all this... happened, i felt like praying wasn't enough, i felt like praying wouldn't save me if a walker tried to eat my mom, i felt like praying wouldn't bring my dad back… but well, maybe that last one did happen” i saw him scratch the back of his neck “i wanna go in to try one last time, to give it that chance. I'll be back soon” i nodded, watching him enter as well as Rick.
“you're close to him.” Daryl appeared from the side, cleaning his knife. “Should i be worried?”
“shut up” i smiled, seeing he was leaning against the wall, right next to me, so i took advantage and put my head on his shoulder. We were silent for a moment, enjoying that opportunity to have a little calm before resuming the search.
“ya think we're goin' to find her?” i asked in a lower tone, almost whispering.
"hope so. I'm not goin' to stop looking fer her” he responded, looking directly at his knife, remaining silent for a few seconds “she's just a girl, she shouldn't be out here, alone. I'd die if that were ya, and yeah i know ya know how to defend yerself but… you're still a kid fer me, ya know what i mean?” i nodded, feeling sad about this whole situation.
“she's a good person, Carol too” i said, still in a low tone “they deserve to be in this together, not like this… 's not fuckin' fair” i said.
“i know, i'll try to brin' her back.”
we were silent again, and i know we were both thinking the same thing.
'let's find Sophia'
we're separating, and i don't like that, it scares me.
after church, Rick and Shane wanted to stay and explore a little longer, while we were told to go as planned. But Carl didn't want to leave either, and he offered to go with them.
it scares me to think about his safety. I don't trust Shane one bit, and i really wanna believe that Rick would do anything to protect his son, but he's still not my favorite person to protect others, and even though i trust him more than Shane, i'd rather this wasn't happening.
it doesn't help that Andrea has been giving Lori dirty looks since we left. We all know why she does it. Dale took the gun she was carrying, since apparently he doesn't trust her at all, or some shit like that. It was a hard blow for her, so the fact that Daryl gave Lori a gun without a second thought and as if it weren't important made her angry.
i try to understand her anyway, but she doesn't work with my patience, and i can see on Lori's face that it doesn't make her happy either.
“so this is it?” Carol said suddenly, stopping to sit on a log on the ground. “it's the whole plan?”
“i guess the plan 's to divide us into smaller and smaller groups,” my brother answered, stopping like everyone else to lean against a tree.
“carrying knives and pointed sticks,” Andrea said in an accusatory tone, looking directly at Lori. “i see you have a gun.”
"what? you want it?” she told her sharply, and i turned to look at Daryl for a moment with an almost proud expression on my face. “there, take it.” she held out the gun. “i'm sick of the looks you're giving me.” i almost laughed, watching Andrea open her eyes wide, and reach for the gun as if she couldn't believe what Lori just told her.
“well, most of you,” Lori murmured, sitting next to Carol on the log and turning to look at her. “honey, i can't imagine what you're going through, and i'd do anything to stop it… but you've gotta stop blaming Rick. It is in your face every time you look at him. When Sophia ran, he didn't hesitate, did he? Not for a second. I don't know if any of us would have gone after her the way he did. Or made the hard decisions that he had to made. Or if any body could have done it any differently” she said, trying to be as respectful as possible while looking at Carol “any body?” she asked, now looking at all of us, but no one spoke “y'all look at him and blame him for not being perfect, if you think you can do this without him, go right ahead!, nobody is stopping you” she snapped, taking out her water bottle and taking a sip.
Andrea silently approached Lori, handing her the gun again. “we should keep moving” was all she said.
and that's what we did, but when i had the chance i approached Lori, smiling at her and shaking my head in approval. She messed up my hair, smiling a little too, but with a tired face.
we continued walking for a few minutes, until a gunshot sound made us all stop. With fear i looked at Daryl, then looked at Lori.
“what the fuck was that?” i tried to walk in the direction of the sound. They're there, i'm sure, but Lori's hand on my arm stopped me from walking any further.
“probably nothing,” Andrea said, returning to the path, making everyone do the same, except Lori and me.
“Lori…” i shook my head.
'something 's wrong'.
“come on, let's keep moving” she said, putting her arm on my shoulders and walking next to me.
however, even though we tried to ignore it, we both kept looking back from time to time, trying to see if anything could tell us what had happened, but there was nothing, just that single gunshot.
Andrea soon noticed this, so she stopped.
“you still worrying about it?” her question made everyone slow down, and i could only stare at her. I was going to answer her, but Lori stepped forward, probably sensing my dislike for the blonde.
“it was a gunshot,” she said in response.
“we all heard it,” Daryl answered, so i narrowed my eyes, giving him a dirty look.
“why one? why just one gunshot?” Lori asked.
“maybe they took down a walker” my brother answered simply.
“don't..." she sighed "Rick wouldn't risk a gunshot to put down one walker, or Shane, they'd do it quietly.”
“shouldn't they have caught up with us by now?” Carol asked this time looking at Daryl.
“there's nothin' we can do about it anyway,” he replied. I snorted, still looking at him. “we can't run on this woods chasing echoes.”
"so what do we do?" i spoke this time.
“same as we've been, beat the bush for Sophia, and work a way back to the highway,” he replied, without looking at me.
“they'll surely find us back in the RV,” Andrea said, looking at me this time. I looked at her out of the corner of my eye, but i didn't answer her.
we ended the conversation and most of us walked again, me still being hugged by Lori. However, Carol and Andrea didn't move forward, and it was until we heard them talking that we stopped again and turned to see them.
“i'm sorry for what you're going through, i know how you feel,” Andrea said.
“i guess you do… thank you,” Carol replied, then turned to look at us all. “the thought of her out here by herself… it's the not knowing that's killing me… i just keep hoping and praying that she doesn't end up like Amy” Andrea's expression hardened, clearly affected by the words, and then Carol realized it too and quickly spoke “oh God, that's the worst thing i've ever said.”
“we're all hoping and praying with you... for what is worth it” was what Andrea answered.
“i'll tell you what it's worth,” Daryl interrupted, approaching them. “not a damn thing, it's a waste of time all this hoping and praying. We're just gonna locate that little girl and she's gonna be just fine” he snapped. “am i the only one zen around here? Good lord” he finished saying, turning around to return to the path.
Lori and i turned to see each other, both trying to suppress a smile at my brother's words. He just… sounded so grumpy, even sassy. But we all know he's trying to find her, and that what he said actually makes sense.
now it's been a while since that, and we have searched non-stop for Sophia again, but there is no trace, no clue, she was nowhere to be found, so we suggested stopping for today, since it was starting to darken the sky, which meant the slow arrival of night.
we were going to go back to Dale and T-Dog, who were left on the highway. But it was then that Andrea, who was walking at the side of the group, far away, ran into a walker who was behind a tree. This surprised her, and he quickly tried to attack her. We could only hear her screams, so we ran to try to help her. We saw her, screaming and trying to kick him, but it clearly wasn't enough. However, before he could reach her, a woman on horse appeared, hitting the walker's head with a bat.
“Lori? Lori Grimes?” the stranger asked, looking at Andrea.
it was then that we managed to reach them.
“i'm Lori.”
“Rick sent me, you gotta come now,” the woman told her, agitated.
"what?" Lori asked, incredulous.
“there has been an accident, Carl has been shot. He's still alive, but you gotta come now” the woman said.
‘Carl…’
'it can't be true, he has to be fine'
'was that the shot? was it him all this time?'
'he can't…he can't die, no, not him'
'i have to see him, he has to be okay'
'i trusted he would be safe with them, i trusted they would protect him'
'Carl can't die'
i feel panic overcome me, so much so that i can't even understand what is happening, i can't hear anything. Carl is all i can think about.
'he…he has to be okay'
i snap out of my thoughts when i see Lori riding the horse with the unknown woman. Riding away. But i don't even have the strength to try to say anything about it.
'i wanna go with them, i need to see it'
but it was too late, because they had already left.
i feel Daryl's gaze on me, but i can only look at where they went, and then at the backpack that Lori was carrying. I picked it up, putting it on so i could carry it.
we continue walking in silence, but all i can think about is how to get there.
'i can track them. Maybe i'm not as good as Daryl, but the horse surely left his tracks until he got to the place. That can work'
'it has to work'.
Carol refuses to go to the farm where Carl is, and i can understand her, but that also means that most of them are going to stay too, and now i have to convince my brother to let me go there with Glenn and T-Dog .
'fucking incredible'
'i think it would be easier to escape, but i'll try.'
“the cut on his arm went from bad to worse and now he has a very serious blood infection,” Dale explained to the others.
'didn't they look through our things? i mean, that sucks, but even if they'd just asked us they'd know we have Merle's arsenal with us.'
apparently Daryl thought the same, as we looked at each other with the same confused expression, and he quickly went to our things, pulling out the bag.
“...because if not, T-Dog will die and it's not a joke” Dale finished saying, watching as Daryl went to look for the pills.
“why didn't ya say somethin' before?” i asked, watching Daryl leave the bag on a car, checking the inside to see what they could use.
“X…no, don't need that” i heard him mutter, still searching.
“look for the painkillers” when i said it he found them, throwing them at Glenn “and the doxycycline” this time he threw it at Dale.
“and 's not generic stuff neither, 's first class,” Daryl told them, seeing their confused faces.
“Merle got the clap... on a occasion” i explained, watching as Daryl walked away again until he reached our things “you're welcome” i told them, going after him.
“hey… uhm, i need to talk to ya” i said in a low tone, getting his attention.
"what?" he looked at me.
“i wanna go with Glenn and T-Dog…”
“nah” he interrupted me “you're not goin'.”
“come on, Dar. He's my best friend, i need to be there. I need to see with my own eyes that he's safe” i told him, but he shook his head.
“we don' know wha' kind of crazy people are in tha' place, and i won' leave ya alone in their care.” he said again, firmly.
“please, ya know i can defend myself, ya know i know how to use my knife better than many in this group” i complained.
“i don' care, you're not goin'.”
“Daryl please, you and Carl are the only good thing i have left. I don' wanna lose him too. I need to know that he's safe, tha' they're protectin' him” i confessed “i trusted that he would be safe with 'hem and now he's between life and death. Please, i have to go” the desperation in my voice was noticeable “i'm fuckin' askin' , and ya know that if you don' give me permission i'll find a way to go. But i respect ya and that's why i'm tryin' to ask first.”
i saw him consider the idea. He was silent for a moment, but then he sighed and pulled a knife from Merle's things.
“hidden near the ankle, so that no one sees it. If somethin' happens, if ya lose yer knife, if ya feel like it's not enough. Whatever. Whatever ya feel, ya take it out” he said, handing me the knife. i nodded, secretly putting it as he ordered, covering it with my pants and boots.
“don' trust, don' turn yer back on 'hem…” he started to say.
“i protect my vital points and stay alert, i know” i saw him nod.
“they're goin' to trust, so ya'll have to take care of 'hem, ya know tha', right?” he asked me, to which i nodded this time.
“i know, but i always do that' anyway” i joked, seeing him scoff and smile a little.
we've been in the truck for a while. None of the three speak, and while the two of them are in the front seat, i'm lying on the back seats, with my feet resting on a window and looking at the roof of the vehicle.
“ya think he'll be okay?” i asked suddenly, seeing how they were startled by my voice.
“i thought you were sleeping,” Glenn murmured, a little agitated, but without taking his eyes off the road. “i wanna believe that he is. He's a strong boy.” T-Dog nodded, looking out the window. There was a moment of silence until i spoke again.
“ya trust Rick?” i asked this time, and saw that they both looked at each other out of the corner of their eyes.
"you don't?" Glenn asked me, but when i was about to answer the truck stopped, and our destination was shown in front of us. The mysterious woman's farm.
“answer fer another time, i guess” i muttered and they both nodded. At the same time the three of us got out of the truck, Glenn with his shotgun in hand, T-Dog looking like a dead man, and me with one hand on my knife, ready to pull it out if necessary.
“so... do we... ring the bell? it looks like people live here” Glenn said, looking at the door of the house in front of us with some nervousness.
“we've passed all that kind of stuff, haven't we?” T-Dog said, walking up the front steps with the two of us behind him.
“you close the gate of the road when you drove in?” a voice asked us, scaring the three of us. My eyes widened, but i soon noticed that the voice was coming from a corner in the entrance, it was dark enough that we wouldn't notice anyone was there.
“uh… hi,” Glenn said, looking in the same direction as me. “yes, we closed it, locked it and everything.” it was then that we could see it. It was the mystery woman. “Hi, nice to see you again, we… uh, we met before.” i looked at Glenn when he said that and raised an eyebrow, noticing his nervousness about the girl.
“we came to help,” T-Dog said this time. “is there anything we can do?” he then whimpered in pain, at the same time that the woman began to approach us “it's not a bite” he explained when he noticed the look on his injured arm “i uh, i cut myself pretty bad.”
“we have a doc inside, i'll tell him you're here” she told him in response.
“we have uh... some painkillers and antibiotics,” Glenn informed, showing them to her “i already gave him some. But in case Carl needs…”
“come on inside, i'll make you something to eat.” she opened the door for us, letting us enter her house.
“can we see Carl?” i asked as we entered, catching the three's attention.
“yes, of course, but try not to make too much noise. We're waiting for them to arrive with all the stuff so we can remove the bullet parts that remain inside and control the internal bleeding. We don’t need him to wake up if not on his own, okay?” she answered me calmly, and i nodded quickly.
she led us to the room, and when we entered i had to cover my mouth as a sob almost escaped me. So Glenn put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it gently. When i looked at him he smiled slightly, and then decided to speak towards the adults inside the room.
“hi” he said in a low tone, but drawing their attention. When Lori looked at me i could see that her eyes were filled with tears and she stood up quickly, but trying not to make a sound. We both approached and gave each other a big hug, letting our emotions flow at that moment.
i didn't even know i needed it, but when she hugged me i couldn't help it and let the tears come. Gosh, i didn't even cry like this when Sophia got lost, or when we almost died the previous times, but seeing Carl like this... i feel like it was the last straw.
by the time we separated, Lori made me sit in the chair she was in before, putting one hand on my shoulder and the other on Rick's shoulder, standing behind us. Glenn and T-Dog let them know that they're here if they need anything and then left with the woman.
an older man with white hair was sitting on the same bed where they had Carl, and it was then that he lowered the sheet that covered him, revealing the bloody bandage on the wound and his swollen abdomen, almost purple from the bleeding that the woman mentioned.
“if they don't get back soon, we're gonna have a decision to make” the man spoke.
“and that is?” Rick asked him in a low tone.
“whether we operate the boy without the respirator”
“you said that wouldn't work,” Lori interrupted.
“i know, it's extremely unlikely, but we can't wait much longer.” the man's words made Lori and Rick leave the room for a moment, but i decided to stay there, giving them their space to talk about this.
there was a moment of silence, in which i could only look at him. He's so pale, but his face looks so calm right now. I wish he looked this calm all the time, but i'm also not happy about why he looks like that.
“he's your friend?” the man asked me, looking at me this time. I nodded, quickly wiping away my tears as i was with one of them. “My name is Hershel, and the one you just met is my daughter Maggie.” he introduced himself.
“ 'm Yn, Yn Dixon.” i introduced myself in the same way, and he nodded silently.
“you two knew each other before all... this?”
“nah, we met at a camp tha' we initially formed a couple of months ago, but he was one of the few kids who talked to me and he became my bes' friend.” my voice shook at the end, so i decided not to talk anymore, and he seemed to understand it.
i don't know how much time has passed, but i couldn't stop looking at Carl. Neither Rick nor Lori have returned, so it's just Hershel and i staring at him.
i don't even care anymore about how weird it is to watch someone sleep. It terrifies me to think that if i stop doing it... somehow he'll disappear, he'll go away.
for a moment i thought i was hallucinating, but i soon realized that i wasn't. From one second to the next Carl opened his eyes and started coughing, trying to look everywhere.
“Carl,” i whispered, opening my eyes wide and approaching his bed. At that moment Rick and Lori entered quickly, approaching in the same way.
"where we are?" he asked us, clearly scared as he didn't recognize the room.
“hey, little man,” Rick said, in such a delicate tone that i didn't even know he could do “this is Hershel.” he looked at the man, who was also near the bed. “we're in his house.”
Lori looked at me, smiling, and i looked at her the same way, excited.
“you had an accident,” Rick explained.
“it hurts... a lot,” he complained, shifting uncomfortably on the bed.
“i know, baby, i know” Lori caressed his arm, trying to comfort him.
it was then that he looked at me, and smiled a little. “you should have seen it,” he said.
“what, Carl?” i asked him, with the softest and calmest voice i can make.
“a deer, it was so pretty” he smiled a little more, with difficulty “It was so close, i've never been…” then he stopped talking, and seemed to fall into a kind of trance. My smile, which i hadn't even noticed, soon faded and i looked at Lori. She had the same anguished face.
his body suddenly began to convulse, so Hershel turned him on his side. I quickly hugged Lori, scared, and felt Rick hug us both.
“if you hold him down you could hurt him” he explained to us “he has to just go through this”
i sobbed as i saw the way his body moved so violently. His eyes seemed empty, so different from just now. When he spoke about the deer his eyes shone, he seemed full of life. But as his body shook, i caught a glimpse of him, and his eyes were dark, distant, as if it weren't him.
i want to stop it, i want this to end. Even the bed makes a loud noise from the sudden movements, but no one can do anything to stop it. We can only hope he survives this.
'please please'
i hid my face in Lori's body, unable to continue watching the scene. When he stopped, we all walked over to see his unconscious body, now with his eyes closed. With fear i watched as Hershel opened his eyes to check him out.
“his brain isn't getting enough blood, the pressure has dropped and he needs another transfusion.”
'shit, Daryl 's the one with the universal blood'
Rick offered to give him more blood, even though Hershel warned him what could happen to him if he did. So now, as he did so, he told us about the deer Carl had mentioned.
'he's...so pure, i really hope i can keep that about him if he survives.'
'he's going to survive,' i corrected myself, squeezing my eyes briefly as they burned from how much i had been crying since i arrived.
after that, the four of us spent a while in silence, just looking at Carl.
the moments that we managed to live in the midst of all this pass through my head. Like when Carl would come into my tent and tell me about his comics to help me sleep. Or when we walked through the forest while no one noticed, climbing some trees and talking about everything when we got tired of walking.
i even remembered the constellations, because on nights when comics didn't help me, he would open the tent a little so we could see the stars, and he would teach me everything he knew about them.
i also remembered the flowers, because he listened to me carefully when i told him the meaning of each flower, and the story that was told for each one. And then when he saw flowers somewhere, he would pick up the ones that he now knew well thanks to me, and he would bring them to me in his hands, smiling because he knew that i would like them, and that i would understand the silent message he was giving me with them.
Hershel's voice brought me out of my thoughts, only to bring me back to reality.
“he keeps losing blood faster than we can replace it, and with this swelling in his abdomen we can't wait any longer, or we're going to lose him,” he informed us, making the three of us tense. “i need to know right now if you want me to do this, because i think your boy is out of time” we all stayed silent, Rick and Lori were now standing, looking at Hershel, but i was still sitting, looking at Carl. “You have to make a choice”
"a choice?" Lori asked with an aggressive tone.
“a choice,” Rick responded, and this time i did look at them. Rick looked at Lori intently. “you have to tell me what it is.”
she caressed his cheek, and although she seemed doubtful, she responded firmly, “we do it.”
so we quickly helped Hershel and his family lift Carl onto a makeshift stretcher. The man looked at us before touching him, and told us that it was best for us to get out of there. Before we answered, however, we heard the sound of a truck, and when Rick looked out the window to look, he seemed suddenly relieved.
we all ran to the entrance, except for a woman named Patricia, who Lori told me a while ago, is the wife of the man who shot Carl, Otis. Shane, who had gone with the man to get things for Carl's surgery, got out of the truck. He seemed injured, agitated, and quickly handed the things to Hershel.
he briefly told us that Otis had sacrificed himself so that he could get to the farm and bring the things to save Carl. I honestly don't believe a word that comes out of Shane, but right now that's not a priority for me, so i just walked into the house, sitting near the room in the hope that this will end soon.
the surgery had been successful, but Carl was still unconscious, having a few moments of lucidity before closing his eyes again. That's why the next day Lori recommended that i go out a little, get some air and try to change my mood, since i didn't sleep all night, and i stayed next to Carl, afraid that something could happen to him again.
it was hard for me to leave the room, and when i did some people turned to look at me, giving me small smiles that i couldn't return. When i left the house i walked around the place. I heard that Glenn and Maggie were out, and that my brother was looking for Sophia, but i don't know if they're back, i just know that Andrea, Shane, and Carol are back, so i decided to walk to the RV.
inside i found a very different image from the previous days. Carol cleaned and organized the interior, making it look much more decent and nice.
“looks nice,” i said, seeing her sitting in the back.
“thank you… i wanted to clean it for her” she answered, smiling a little.
“ 'm sure she'll think 's cool when she gets back.” i leaned against a wall.
we were silent for a few seconds, until Carol sighed and changed her expression to a more worried one.
“how's Carl?” she asked me and i quickly tensed up.
“out of danger, Hershel even says that his fever went down, but he has few conscious moments, and tha' makes me a little desperate” i confessed, sighing afterwards “Lori convinced me to go out today. I haven't even slept. I can't, 'm terrified to think about what might happen if i get distracted, and even though i try to spend time out here, all i can think about is the probabilities.” she nodded, understanding.
“why don't you make him a card? like the ones people used to do before this” she suggested “you can keep thinking about him, but without necessarily being in that room, and it's a nice gift.”
's a good idea'
wait.
'i don' know how to write somethin to him'
i started cursing myself for giving up on classes. If i hadn't been so stupid maybe i could have written him a thousand cards.
i noticed that i hadn't responded to Carol yet, so i nodded, hoping it wouldn't show the way my mood went to shit from one second to the next.
“thanks Carol, i think i'll do tha' ” i said, but when i was about to turn around to leave, i saw that on the side there was a beer bottle with a cherokee rose on it. I knew immediately that Daryl had brought it, “i guess he told ya the story” i touched the flower for a moment as i heard Carol say yes “it probably bloomed because of her” i said in a low tone, but i know she heard me “i'll go to the house"
and that's what i did, going to look for my backpack to take out some blank papers and a pencil that almost had no ink. Then i sat in the dining room, with the pencil in my hand.
'what should i write?'
'how do i write “i hope ya get well soon, Carl, love ya”?'
'is that even what i should write, or should it be something longer?'
'what if he expects something more elaborate?'
'what if he doesn't understand what i write?'
i tried to write the phrase that occurred to me, resulting in an ugly text, with unintelligible letters that is supposed to say “i hope ya recover soon, Carl, love ya” but instead it says “i jope ya recover sun, Carl, lov ya”.
's that how you spell recover? or soon? s this how you spell his name?'
a fairly common feeling for me began to appear, making me feel uncomfortable. It was frustration, like every time i try to do this.
'm sick of this shit, why is it so fucking complicated?'
i crumpled the paper in my hands, setting it aside. So i took another one and tried again. This time i tried adding a heart at the end, but it looks like a fucking balloon instead.
i took out another sheet and tried again, but i feel like every time i try it comes out worse and worse.
'm useless, why 's this so fuckin' hard?'
'everyone can do it, why can't i?'
'this 's horrible, it looks like shit'
feelings of worthlessness, frustration, guilt, anger, and sadness began to quickly fill my heart and mind.
"you're stupid! ya don't even know how to do the minimum! this way ya will end up being a whore just like yer damn mother!” i remembered my father's screams. I remember how he shook me, taking advantage of the fact that Daryl wasn't at home and Merle was... just lost. Dad wasn't supposed to be here either, but he returned much earlier than expected, and found a note from school warning of my lack of skills and my bad behavior: “ 'm not raising ya so that ya end up being jus' another prostitute! ya should be grateful to have shelter, food and education!” every sentence was now accompanied by a slap. Tears came out of my eyes without me being able to stop them, and in my head i prayed that Daryl would arrive at some point.
but that wasn't happening, and apparently my mouth started working faster than my brain. “raising me!? all ya do is fuckin' complain and hit us! hell, even Merle has been more of a man and more of a father than ya!” i remember that when i realized what i said my eyes opened wide and i gasped, bringing my hand directly to my mouth.
after that i remember the beating, and Daryl's panicked face when he came home and found me lying on the kitchen floor, blood coming out of my mouth and my body covered in deep wounds and new bruises.
all because i'm useless.
then a noise brought me out of my memories, Rick was sitting in a chair, near me.
"what are you doing?" he asked me in an almost sweet tone, looking at the crumpled sheets on one side of the table and the still blank sheets on the other side.
“i… i was tryin' to write a card to Carl” i said, feeling a little exposed and embarrassed “Carol suggested it” i tried to explain, but i felt my face turn red as Rick started to smile.
“i think he'll like that, a lot,” he said, but i just grimaced, looking at the crumpled sheets.
“i don' think so,” i whispered.
"why not?" he frowned.
“i can'… i can' write somethin' to him because i don'…” i cleared my throat, feeling too exposed with my confession, however, he seemed to understand, and instead of looking at me with contempt or strangeness, he smiled again.
“i can help you if you want. It's never too late to learn, not even in the midst of all this” he offered, and i looked at him with doubt.
'does he really mean it?'
i think my look was pretty obvious, because he let out a small laugh, moving his chair closer.
“i swear, i can help you with that if you want,” he told me firmly, and for a moment, even if it was brief, i felt that hope grow in me again.
“ 'm not an easy student, Rick,” i warned him, but the smile on his face didn't fade.
“i didn't expect you to be, little Dixon.”
it was long hours of practicing and practicing with Rick.
Daryl entered the house, looking for me after not finding me anywhere else. When he found me he opened his eyes wide, and i can swear that for a moment i saw something sparkle in them.
"what are ya...?" he asked, clearing his throat when he noticed that his voice sounded somewhat…excited.
i can't judge him, since we both know the problems that not knowing how to read or write brought me. We both know about the beatings, the teasing, the insults and even the nightmares.
“Rick helped me make Carl a card, look!�� in days i didn't smile the way i do now.
one sheet, now folded in half, was filled with small drawings on the cover, and on the inside, in a much less horrible and now understandable handwriting, it said: “Hope ya get well soon, Carl! love ya so much, and i miss hanging out with ya. - Yn” with more drawings around it.
with so much practice my pencil had worn out, so Rick lent me some of Carl's pencils that were in Lori's backpack. Now the card has color, and it looks much prettier than i had imagined.
my eyes shine and a huge smile decorates my face. Daryl smiled when he saw the card, and hugged me tightly when he saw how happy i am.
“thank you” he said to Rick, still hugging me.
“no problem” i heard him say “i'll go throw away the papers we used and then i'll go see Carl. Good night” he said.
“thank ya Rick, really.” i looked at him from Daryl's arms and he just nodded, smiling and then doing what he told us.
Daryl and i continued hugging for a few minutes, both with mixed emotions, but the most predominant one being joy.
“ 'm proud of ya, girl,” he said suddenly, and those words seemed to heal a part of me. “i know 's been hard, and it took a while fer ya to do this, but ya did, and i knew ya would.” i feel his voice tremble. I know he wants to cry just like i do, so i hug him tighter.
“thank you, Dar” i whispered, holding back tears for a moment “thank you fer not giving up on me… like him” then i sobbed, feeling his body shake, a sign that he was crying too, even if just a little.
a few days later, Carl 's now more stable, and can spend hours conscious, so i feel it's time to give him the card.
“hey,” i greeted him, seeing him sitting on the bed reading a comic.
he quickly looks at me when he hears my voice, putting aside what he was reading and moving to the side to make a space for me on the bed so i could sit, and that's what i did, leaning on the backrest next to him.
“hey” he greeted me this time, smiling “i was starting to miss you here” he joked, to which i smiled, gently hitting his arm.
"i brought ya somethin' " i saw the curiosity on his face, so i took the letter out of my jacket pocket and cleared my throat, blushing at his intense gaze. "while ya were unconscious i received some help and i uhm... made ya a card." i extended it to him, and he grabbed it, still looking at me carefully.
“thank you,” he said, and then he looked at it. His eyes shine, and he doesn't stop smiling, even when he opens it and sees what i had written. In fact his face seemed to light up even more, and soon he's hugging me, being careful not to crumple my gift. “i love it, i'll always have it with me, i swear.” he said, to which i smiled, feeling relieved to know that he liked it.
“ 'm glad ya liked it” because of the movement, the hat that his dad had recently given him fell off, so i picked it up and put it back on his head.
“i loved it” he corrected me “you always do beautiful things for me, you make me feel special, you know?” he confessed, and his cheeks turned a little red.
“ya make me feel special too, Carl,” i said, looking him in the eyes. “you're special to me, and i felt like i was dyin' when ya were here, unconscious. I thought i was goin' to lose ya too and it was… it was so scary. It was a nightmare"
“but here i am now, and i'm fine,” he assured me, taking one of my hands and intertwining our fingers. “i'm fine, and with you i feel better”
behind the door, three adults were about to come in to look for us, but after hearing part of the conversation they decided to give us a few minutes.
now, no one will take the small smiles off the faces of Lori, Rick and Daryl, who go to the dining room to sit and wait.
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