#daniel howell is my spirit animal

[gahtheone]

Funny you should ask that today of all days...

[moonussyy]

Ladies, gentlemen and nonbinary folk, I would like to introduce you to my spirit animal.

[lessamazinglucy]

quality is shite but :,((((

[phan-meme-trash]

Dan Howell: my internet career is inherently toxic and not good for my emotional/mental health

Anthony Padilla: have you considered not having a career on the internet?

Dan: 😯

[dustedmagazine]

Various Artists — Stop MVP: Artists from WV, VA and NC Against the Mountain Valley Pipeline (War Hen)

The Mountain Valley Pipeline, if it’s ever finished, will stretch over more than 300 miles in rural Wester Virginia and Virginia, crossing environmentally sensitive parts of the Allegheny and Blue Ridge Mountains carrying dangerous, polluting loads of fracked gas. The League of Conservation Votes estimates that the pipeline will generate more than 89 million metric tons of greenhouse gas pollution annually, about as much as 24 average U.S. coal plans or 19 million passenger cars. Building it will require razing forests that have been sequestering carbon for centuries.

It’s a climate catastrophe, and because it runs through an area that is rich in musical history and culture, it has become a focus for artists and activists, including Daniel Bachman, who organized this 40-track compilation in protest of the pipeline. All proceeds from STOP MVP will go to the Appalachian Legal Defense Fund to support protesters resisting the pipeline’s construction.

That is, of course, one compelling reason to buy this set of music, but it is very far from the only one. The music here is exceptionally diverse and almost uniformly excellent. If you look at the cover and envision a steady stream of earnest folk songs, punctuated by some fingerpicking, think again. Certainly that’s represented on these two discs, but so is noise and rock and punk and hip hop and even, at the end, a stirring piece of gospel that will steel you for the cause.

There’s so much music here that it’s hard to get a grip on it all, but let’s hit some highlights. Magic Tuber String Band’s haunted, haunting rendition of “Undone in Sorrow” is both staunchly traditional and absolutely modern in its lament for a natural world gone haywire. Isak Howell, similarly, finds something potent and bracing in minor key picking. Solar Hex straddles baroque classical cello and folk lament, and there are indeed four crows cawing in the background to “Stone Wall with Four Crows.” My favorite discovery in this lengthy, skewed-folk all-star line-up comes from Høly Riot’s “Spirit Riot,” which kicks up a feeling-the-lord-speaking-in-tongues ruckus with its driving, droning ecstasies.

Some of the cuts are literally about the MVP pipeline, like Joshua Vana and Bernadette “BJ” Lark’s full-throated, heart-swelling “To the River,” while others reference the area’s long history of industrial subjugation. “The Dolly Womack Wreck” retells the story of an old-time train wreck, where the engineer was flayed alive by steam from a broken boiler. “The Coal Tattoo,” sung by Bachman’s father, is about his father’s death in a mine explosion. The hip hop/electronic “John Brown” by Appalachian rapper Prolo chronicles generations of poverty and racism in the region.

A lot of well known folk and indie artists have chipped in. There are tracks from Sally Anne Morgan, Ned Oldham, Nathan Bowles, Rosali Middleton (as Edsel Axle). Yasmin Williams and Bachman himself. But the real tribute to Bachman’s taste, restless song-hunting and open-minded-ness comes from the bands you might not be familiar with, the eerie soundscapes of Tallulah Cloos, the beefy country rock of Tucker Riggleman and the Cheap Dates, the unhinged noise of Dog Scream. The mountains and valleys threatened by MVP are rich in plant and animal diversity, but also musical breadth, and this compilation brings them all together for a worthy cause.

Jennifer Kelly

[phanfictioncatalogue]

OC Sibling(s) Masterlist

A Cry You Can Hear At Night - soillbeherethen

Summary: If they had crossed paths only a moment later, neither of them would have seen tomorrow.

amaryllis (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: In which Dan has to wed Princess Alice when he would much rather marry her brother, Philip.

(TW) Babyface (ao3) - Phandabbydosey

Summary: Phil’s brother runs one of the most infamous underground pornography rings in London. Convinced they are saving people from suffering on the streets, Phil chooses to ignore the illegality of the operation. But then Daniel Howell, who looks much younger than eighteen, is recruited and Phil starts to question how much good they’re really doing.

Charlotte (ao3) - dannihowell (anotherdaughter)

Summary: When Dan's little sister needs a home, he and Phil offer a place to stay.

Christmas Coming Out (ao3) - FandomFeels17

Summary: He didn't intend to come out to his mum in his future mother in law's kitchen at Christmas... But here he was, doing exactly that.

clumsy (ao3) - ordanary

Summary: Phil’s clumsiness often lands him in sticky situations, like when he spills flour all over his crush, Dan Howell and his little sister one day at the bakery where he works.

Do I Smell Pancakes? (ao3) - ExclusiveGorgeousGeek

Summary: Dan, a small time Youtuber, might just have a crush on, Youtube Star, Phil Lester.

And Dan's sister may or may not know about it.

Drink Up Your Movements (Still I Can't Get Enough) (ao3) - obsessive-fics (xoPrincessKayxo)

Summary: All Dan, an extremely skilled ballet dancer, wants to do is make it through the next dance competition. So extra rehearsals with Izzy, a ballerina he’s known forever, are just another step towards the win. What he doesn’t expect, is the constant, extremely distracting presence of Izzy’s older brother, Phil

Dude, Your Brother is Driving Me Nuts - tolkienrowlingfan

Summary: Dan has gone to help out his twin brother, Dylan who also happened to be bffs with his boyfriend, Phil.  Later Phil mistakes Dan for his brother and starts complaining about Dan and a marriage proposal?

Fallen in Love with Someone you Shouldn't have Fallen in Love With (ao3) - AnotherPhanficWriter

Summary: Phil got himself into something that he cannot get himself out of. Dan wants Phil to get in him instead. Dan has a sister who messes everything up and is like my spirit animal.

Good Vibrations - phandabbydosey

Summary: Phil’s band gets a shot at impressing a talent scout, but their drummer drops out just three days before the big gig. Their only shot at a replacement comes in the form of the lead singer’s younger brother, the lead singer’s deaf brother with a fondness for soft pastel colours.

Keep Making Trouble Till You Find What You Love (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: Dan has a twin sister called Lucy, who comes to stay. What happens when Phil begins to have feelings for her? But is he really crushing on his best friend's sister or is she just his heart's way of pointing out something different, like the many parallels between the two Howells, or a love story left behind in 2009? Does Lucy know more than she's letting on? And why does the girl in the other flat look so familiar?

oh, i'm trying (not to give in to you) (ao3) - Buttercups

Summary: dan is greg's little brother. greg is phil's best friend.

phil discovers what craving someone actually means

One of a kind (ao3) - Gay_internet_mafia

Summary: Dan falls for the new kid but he doesnt understand why the boy keeps having these mood swings, or why he won't let Dan meet his brother.

Pastels and Wedding Plans - copyrightedsnakes/

Summary: Phil Lester is a ball of sunshine wedding planner hired to coordinate Winston Howell’s wedding. It’s a big job, so Winston offers up the help of his younger brother, Dan Howell.

pea pods (ao3) - watergator

Summary: in this universe, dan has a gay sister

Prince Charming - howellsaesthetic

Summary: Phil works a summer job as a “Prince Charming” entertainer for birthday parties, and Dan is the older brother of Athena, the girl that the party is for. They meet and instantly hit it off.

seasons change (ao3) - sadlybunny

Summary: The boy is irresistible. He’s got that “couldn’t be bothered” attitude that has always intrigued Phil, always made him want to know Danny a little bit better. Phil knows falling in love with his best friend’s younger brother is wrong. But he just can’t seem to do the right thing.

Sibling Rivalry (ao3) - dannihowell (anotherdaughter)

Summary: The Howell twins both fancy their new neighbor, Phil.

stars (ao3) - brookwrites

Summary: dan grew up in a normal 1930s london family with his parents and little brother. everything was completely and utterly normal… until the bombs started dropping. when dan was fifteen his father went off to war, and when he was sixteen he and his brother hayden were sent off to a foster family in rural england. he looked up at the stars and couldn’t help but wonder how something that beautiful could exist in such a broken world. just when he thought things would never get better, dan met phil, and he became the shining star of his life. but when phil turned eighteen and went off to war, dan couldn’t help but wonder when, if ever, the stars would twinkle the same way again.

The New Drummer - phanerys

Summary: punk!phil is the new drummer in the pastel!dan’s brother’s band

The Reject (ao3) - blueberryphancakes

Summary: Dan might be a little bit in love with his best friend, but it’s okay. Phil doesn’t get crushes, at least as far as Dan can tell, so Dan has spent the last two years pining in secret while learning to accept the fact that Phil might never see him the same way.

And it’s fine. It is. He feels lucky to have Phil as a friend at all, and he is perfectly happy to keep things the way they are. But things are bound to change when he finds some pretty convincing evidence that Phil does get crushes. And, as it turns out, boys who look like Dan are exactly Phil’s cup of tea.

The only problem? The object of Phil’s affection is Dan’s twin brother.

The Rooftop - jilliancares

Summary: Phil’s been best friends with Dan all his life, and it seems like every night they were up to another adventure. Just when did that platonic, best friend love, turn into something more?

Twin Troubles - dxnhowell

Summary: Phil has a twin, and they don’t get along. His twin tortures him throughout his childhood. Phil finally has enough and cuts Pierce out of his life. Fast forward, and now Phil’s married to Dan. But now Pierce has re-entered Phil’s life again, asking for help.

Worth the Risk (ao3) - passionfruitwriter

Summary: Dan moves with his conservative mother and stubborn little sister to a new neighbourhood. Here, his mother decides to force his sister into dating the classy Phil. When she doesn’t want to, Dan accidentally volunteers to become her understudy, so that he has to do all the awkward dating. After a while though, Dan realises those dates aren’t so bad.

yazi (ao3) - watergator

Summary: dan goes to france with his family, but in this universe he has a gay sister

[itisiyourfemur-blog]

dan and phil’s innuendos are getting worse

[marshmallowlily]

This sounds like yet another shop Phil would name

[kateypops]

If Dan and Phil were in Spirited Away!

This is my second ever digital drawing and I had to do it with a mouse as I can’t afford a tablet so sorry for the shaky lines and I didn’t draw the background sorry!

Header version here ~ @danielhowell @amazingphil

[othernecessarythings]

i’m sick and bored, let’s go

2020-02-10 (i’m 16)

1: How tall or short do you wish you were?

i’m really content with being 167 cm

2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not)

a dog, preferably a german shepherd

3: Do you have a favorite clothing style?

um i switch between alternative/emo-ish and hipster ig fashion girl, i like both of them

4: What was your favorite video game growing up?

mario kart at nintendo ds

5: What three things/people do you think of most each day:

my best friend, music (hayley williams) and my sister

6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say?

way too indecisive for their own good or may not be brave enough to voice their own opinion

7: What is your opinion on [insert person/thing here]?

winter, way too overrated it’s unbelievably boring and depressing

8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic]

?? idk

9: Are you ticklish?

ye

10: Are you allergic to anything?

oh boy am i allergic,, in short yes i fucking am, to soap and shampoo and perfume and makeup and nickel and grass pollen and dog saliva and laundry detergent and the list just continues

11: What’s your sexuality?

umm idk bi maybe

12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa?

neither, i’m not much of a hot drink person, but cocoa

13: Are you a cat or dog person?

DOG (idontreallytrustcats)

14: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson?

mermaid!! oh to be a free woman with shiny scales

15: Do you have a favorite Youtuber?

exurb1a or apri park, and um guilty pleasure of mine but daniel howell

16: How tall are you?

167 cm, and with some googling, ≈5.5 feet

17: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to?

ah my middle name i think

18: How much do you weigh? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!]

i actually don’t know, we don’t own a scale,, but like somewhere between 50-60 kg

19: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits?

umm no

20: Do you like space or the ocean more?

i love love love the ocean!!

21: Are you religious?

yeah i kinda am and all my friends around me are atheists (very few in sweden are devoted religious people) but i am maybe? like i don’t believe in any god, but i believe in the good every religion speaks about, and i appreciate the christian concept of love and acceptance,, idk

22: Pet peeves?

ah many, i never do something about them though, but for example some swedish grammatical errors (de/dem sigh)

23: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal [opposite of nocturnal]?

nocturnal

24: Favorite constellation?

cassiopeia

25: Favorite star?

?? i don’t know any stars

26: Do you like ball-jointed dolls?

i don’t like any dolls

27: Any phobias or fears?

not really

28: Do you think global warming is real?

of course?? how could you not?? i mean come on i’m swedish we knew it was real before greta represented our country’s fight against it

29: Do you believe in reincarnation?

um no but i don’t believe that nothing happens after you die either so maybe

30: Favorite movie?

right now little women

31: Do you get scared easily?

yeah i never watch horror movies or stuff like that, but unlike from my friends am i not afraid of walking alone at night or similar things

32: How many pets have you own in your lifetime?

a few fishes and a dog

33: Blog rate? [You’ll rate the blog of the one who’s asking.]

i’ll rate my own blog instead, it’s shitty but it helps me relax and enjoy myself, it’s a safe space for only me

34: What is a color that calms you?

blue

35: Where would you like to travel and/or live?

oh so many places, i’d like to travel to asia and later live in the center of europe maybe

36: Where were you born?

sweden

37: What is your eye color?

dark brown

38: Introvert or extrovert?

definitely introvert

39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs?

no but i find it quite entertaining to read them and see if any applies to me or my friends

40: Hugs or kisses?

good hugs

41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now?

like hayley williams would be great

42: Who is someone you love deeply?

my sister and my best friends

43: Any piercings you want?

more in my ears

44: Do you like tattoos and piercings?

depends, i’ve got a few myself and i love them

45: Do you smoke or have you eiver done so?

yeah i do, both this and that lol

46: Talk about your crush, if you have one!

not really, i’m not the crush type of people,, it’s really hard for me to find someone i like

47: What is a sound you really hate?

i’ve never had a problem with specific sounds, but some feelings like the one when your hands are slightly damp and you lightly rub them against each other?? uhhhrhs i can’t stand it,, wait i know one sound!! i can’t sleep when it’s raining outside! and that’s quite unusual i guess, but it really isn’t calming for me

48: A sound you really love?

laughter from people i love, the waves by the sea, a candle being lit, the sparkle from an open fire

49: Can you do a backflip?

no

50: Can you do the splits?

no

51: Favorite actor and/or actress?

i’m not that much of a movie fan, i don’t really know any

52: Favorite movie?

right now little women

53: How are you feeling right now?

sick and tired, but overall pretty happy!! i went to a wonderful concert yesterday and spent a few days in another city with my best friends

54: What color would you like your hair to be right now?

oh so many but right now black and dark red

55: When did you feel happiest?

last year at a tøp concert i think

56: Something that calms you down?

puzzles and music

57: Have any mental disorders? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!]

nothing diagnosed and nothing right now, but i’m pretty sure i was depressed and had anxiety for some time ago

58: What does your URL mean?

um i just had to come up with a name quick and this was what i felt at the moment, and i guess it fits me, i am in fact a stupid goddamn fan of many things,, neon places are a combo of tøp related stuff and the song perfect places by lorde, and blasphemypilots is the song blasphemy by just twenty one pilots (see i am a stupid goddamn fan huh sigh)

59: What three words describe you the most?

oh um probably intelligent, indecisive and realistic

60: Do you believe in evolution?

what??? of course i do?? how could u not,, like seriously though i’ve never met any who don’t believe in it? what would u otherwise believe in? gods creation of the world or something? nah, as i said before, no one in sweden are really religious

61: What makes you unfollow a blog?

usually them posting about stuff i’m not in to, but ofcourse if they’re being homophobic/racist/sexist etc

62: What makes you follow a blog?

content i like, majorly just text posts about relatable stuff

63: Favorite kind of person:

intelligent, witty people with wide smiles and lots of adventurous spirit and spontaneous ideas

64: Favorite animal(s):

idk maybe dogs

65: Name three of your favorite blogs.

i really don’t know any specific

66: Favorite emoticon:

:) ;) not that original ik

67: Favorite meme:

hmm idk

68: What is your MBTI personality type?

oh i’ve done it plenty of times and got different results each time, but in the most recent was i infj-t

69: What is your star sign?

pisces

70: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog?

if i had, i’d probably teach them to be able to do it

71: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most?

black, wide jeans with a large grey reebok sweatshirt is probably my comfiest, but i’ve got other fits i feel more good looking in like my beige, wide jeans with a white turtleneck, a bright green sweater and jewelry

72: Post a selfie or two?

no thanks

73: Do you have platform shoes?

no, and i don’t think i want either

74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself?

i can’t for my life imitate other people or dialects or stuff like that

75: Can you do a front flip?

hah no

76: Do you like birds?

yeah sure

77: Do you like to swim?

love it!! swimming in the ocean is wonderful, and in pools are okay i guess

78: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you?

depends on mood, i like both, it’s kinda dependable on season lol

79: Something you wish didn’t exist:

some music genres lol like swedish rap or trump

80: Some thing you wish did exist:

i’m not that creative but more concerts in my hometown would be lovely, and for stuff that doesn’t exist? maybe hot ice cream or a speaker that played silence so the room got quiet hmm

continuing in the next post

[maybeformepersonally]

Fic: the poetry of resistance, chapter 1

Title: the poetry of resistance Author: maybeformepersonally Rating: T / Teen Summary: Dark times are brewing, fear and prejudice have been sinking their vicious claws into Dan's world, twisting and poisoning his once quiet, peaceful way of life. He feels like his life is falling apart, and he's scrambling to do something, anything, to keep enough of the pieces together. But even in the darkest of times, even in the midst of the worst atrocities committed, kindness can blossom, and new hope can be born.  Word Count: 4.9k this chapter (the whole fic will be 20k+)  Author’s Note: This fic is my fill for the @phandomreversebang! I need to thank the lovely admins of the PRB for organising this, and the wonderful @dansphlevels for making the art that inspired this story (see it here!). And a very special, very heartfelt thank you to the fabulous @itsmyusualphannie, who was kind enough to fill the position of my beta reader when I found myself without one, and doing an excellent job of it to boot. Any mistakes that remain are solely mine.

[Read on ao3]

Old Conrad Huckabee got up early as usual to start the day, as was expected of bakers, before the sun would rise. After the habitual short routine of morning ablutions that had remained unchanged for years now, he headed downstairs into his bakery accompanied by his dearest wife. She had been as faithful and true to him as a man could hope for, a true companion in life and business, and he likely would have floundered without her support and no-nonsense attitude throughout the years. He thanked the gods every day that he had been so lucky as to find one as her to stand beside him.

They moved as one into their respective positions, a dance they had long perfected for a routine as familiar as breathing and as beloved as the life they’d built together, Conrad at the ovens and his dear Adelaide with her books and supplies, making sure everything was in order for Conrad to get lost in his craft. A mere half-hour before opening time, the Howell boy arrived, perfectly on time. Adelaide quite liked that about him. Responsible lad.

Conrad opened the door for him and ushered him to the back, to where his wife was sorting that week’s stock and making sure everything was running smoothly. Adelaide had truly been a godsend. He’d married for love, but no one would suspect it from the way his father’s little bakery had flourished under their joint care once Conrad had inherited it not long after their nuptials. He knew, everyone knew really, that the success had been in great part due to his young wife’s sharpness of mind and her skill in trade. Oh, she would never stiff or cheat a merchant, such behaviours would only lead to mistrust and ruin, if not imprisonment. No, she was fair to a fault, just, well, brilliant.

He spared a glance to the young merchant greeting his wife with a warm smile and a respectful tilt of the head. It had been over a decade now since the boy had started trading with them directly, first as proxy for his parents and later as a trader in his own right, but despite his young age, he had never treated Adelaide with anything but the respect she rightfully deserved, which was saying something when half the village still persisted in viewing women as somehow… inferior. Conrad huffed at the thought. Old fools, he thought, and nevermind that he was old enough now to fit that description himself. Oh, but he was no fool. They were so set in their ways that they would stare reality in the face and refuse its length and shape, and for what? Everyone knew women were especially good at trade, this he had learnt as a little tyke at his grandfather’s knee back before he was even tall enough to reach the baker’s ovens. Women were better at maths, and accounting, they excelled at keeping books, could run where the men would limp and stumble.

This particular trader, young enough to be their own son, seemed to have learnt this as well, for he had never disrespected his dear Adelaide, and had never tried to dupe her with bad quality wares or too steep prices. A fair and honest trader was hard to come by, sadly, which he supposed was why those two had always liked each other, he mused as a chuckle reached his ears. His wife was in good spirits today, he thought with a little smile of his own, and whispered a quick prayer to her favoured gods in thanks. He was ever grateful, after so many years, that the gods had so blessed him in both business and love.

As he continued arranging the day’s work in preparation for opening time, he reflected that it was a pity the young Howell boy had not found a wife of his own to share his efforts and secure the line of his house. But then again, that was hardly surprising.

Some small eccentricities would hardly matter to any smart young woman or discerning head of house, not with a profitable line of trade and a face as fair as that, but to live past the borders of the forest… oh, yes. That would give any young woman or her parents pause. Even with the efforts of the special guard, one could never be perfectly sure that no creatures lurked, not outside the heart of the village, not when nothing but earth and trees and wild animals surrounded you and the terrain may allow those awful, wicked creatures passage into your very home.

The boy, well, man now, had some small grasp on the magicks that kept such dangers at bay; he must, or he would have perished by now. And Conrad did not doubt that he was dutiful, and ever careful not to shirk his duties. His very survival attested to that. But he had been born in the forest, had grown up there, with his parents moving there as soon as they were married. They had inherited the land, and it was a good business decision to farm it, but still, most of the village had half expected them to perish out there, cut off from the comforts of immediate trade and the community. It took days to get to the village from their land on foot, and the lad had built his own house a whole day’s walk deeper into the forest than even his parents’ lodgings, or so the tales said. Tales that he was rather disposed to believe, as it wasn’t just the young fools who had nothing better to do than tell tales to pass the time that were saying so. Old Burnaby himself swore to it, and Conrad had lost count of the respectable storekeepers who had hinted or even outright said as much.

Still, the young Howell couple must have been better prepared than the village had given them credit for, and more favoured by the gods, to be blessed with the tools to survive alone all the way out there. And young Daniel only knew that life, and the ever-present vigilance and jealous warding of his lands must be second nature to him.

A pity, but understandable, that he hadn’t found a partner willing to follow him into the dark heart of the forest. Oh well, plenty of travellers and foreigners were used to such conditions. Perhaps that was all it would take; a traveller that crossed their village, or a merchant looking for trade. He hoped so, for the kind young man’s sake.

He heard him say his goodbyes to Adelaide, muffled by the partition that led behind his shop, and watched him appear from behind it a few seconds later. He seemed pleased enough with their trade, and Conrad was once again reminded of the confession he’d got out of the young man years ago about how their family was one of his favourites to deal with in the whole village, as they were more welcoming than most, and less driven to endless haggling. His dear Adelaide knew the worth of the young lad’s wares and she was willing enough to pay a fair price for them, which put them several steps above most of the village.

“Good exchange?” he prompted; they had enough time before he had to open the shop to indulge in a little small talk.

“Quite good, for both our houses,” Daniel answered with a pleasant smile. His eyes caught on the display to their left, however, and Conrad stifled an amused chuckle at the young man’s predictability. “Are those qurabiya?” Daniel asked, not even trying to hide his childlike delight.

“Indeed, they are! Straight from the oven. I could be persuaded to sell you some before the first customers may get their hands on the bargain, if you make a good enough offer for me to consider it...” he was teasing, of course. He was always happy to sell his products to Daniel when he was around, even if the bakery hadn’t technically opened its doors yet when he came round for business. Daniel knew it, too. He was giving him a wide dimpled grin, and the old baker found himself thinking again about how unfortunate it was that such a kind and striking young man should be single still.

Daniel asked for four qurabiya to go, two for his parents and two for himself, as usual, and as Conrad wrapped them up for him, he broached the subject once again, much to the well-taken exasperation of the young man before him, who’d been subject to this particular talk at the hands of the well-meaning baker many, many times before (and more often as of late, as he grew older).

 “No news to speak of on my love life, no,” he said with a badly hidden roll of his eyes. “I can’t imagine why the topic matters so much to you, I swear. More nosy than most of the matchmakers in the village put together, you are. You needn’t concern yourself with my love life, Conrad. I promise I can handle the trade for myself, with the occasional help from my parents, if need be. Your supply line shall not suffer from my regrettable lack of a wife.”

“Of course, of course,” he said placatingly. “But trade is only part of the reason to seek a marriage. You can’t be content to spend all that time alone out there in the woods. A companion would surely make the days shorter and sweeter, and a young man as yourself should be thinking about children soon…”

Daniel shook his head to himself, amused at the baker’s persistence. “I appreciate your concern, but as you know, my way of life wouldn’t suit most villagers, much less the young women who grew up in a village as big and bustling with activity as this one. Regardless, I am quite content as is, much as I know it perplexes you.” He smiled then. As annoying as it could be to be grilled about his love life and to be offered pointed advice about the young unmarried women in town, Dan knew it came from a good place. “Most of us aren’t so lucky as to find our perfect match, much less to find her so early in life, you know.” The man was a hopeless romantic, and as such had become something like the unofficial matchmaker of the town. It was sweet.

“Ah, that is very true. But that doesn’t mean you should give up, young lad! I hear a caravan of travellers has announced their intention to stop here soon. They must be on the lookout for new trade, or perhaps even a place to settle on. I hear there is a pair of hunters coming in to aid the special guard, but perhaps there are a few ladies as well? Perhaps a young lady accustomed to the life of a traveller might be more open to a life on the outskirts of town…?”

Dan swallowed any outward indication of his skin crawling at the mention of ‘hunters’ coming in to ‘aid the special guard’. The casual mention had activated his fight or flight response, but he couldn’t let his expression slip, even with well-meaning old villagers like Conrad.

Thankfully, Dan had years of practice in the concealing of emotions, and so he chuckled at the man’s insistence, determined to grill the more forthcoming storekeepers who might actually have the kind of information he needed about the hunters coming his way. He knew the old baker well enough by now to know that any details he might pry out of him would be geared more towards getting him wed rather than anything useful to him.

“We might see,” he told Conrad with a carefree glint of mischief. “Don’t get your hopes up, old friend, you know I will not settle for usefulness.”

“As you shan’t! I quite agree!” He had perked up at Dan’s seeming acquiescence. “Why settle for an advantageous union when one can strive for a lasting, true love?” He was nodding along as he presented the package of sweets to him, carefully sealed to withstand Dan’s travels. Dan paid for the pastries and bade him farewell, reminding him once more not to try to pair him up with any young lady he thought might make a good match, even though he knew Conrad would endeavour to tell any unmarried woman arriving in that caravan that looked the slightest bit interested all about Dan’s virtues.

Can’t ask the deer to change its hooves, Dan thought ruefully. He hoped the man didn’t get any poor woman’s hopes up with his efforts. The last thing Dan needed was to contend with the complications that would come from taking a human wife.

*

Dan took the long way back to his home deep into the forest, taking a few detours to reassure himself that everything was okay, that no disaster or evil had befallen his beautiful land in his brief absence, that no tree or animal or creature had been disturbed.

You couldn’t be too careful these days.

The leisurely trek soothed ruffled nerves, but he couldn’t stop turning the latest news in his mind as he walked deftly over uneven terrain and smooth plains alike. The air sprites surfaced from the heights of the tallest trees to signal the lack of new developments as he gave them their prearranged call; the family of ungulate kelpies living in the depths of his forest looked up at him when he approached and gave him a distinct nod to indicate no problems had met them either; and so on.

He didn’t take the small detour behind the old oak tree he used to play in as a child to check the mounds that the aes sídhe used to claim as their home. And he didn’t take a left there down the path that led to the natural pond that had formed several centuries ago, where the will-o'-the-wisps used to dance ethereally over the calm water, dipping occasionally to play hide-and-seek in the reeds and water lilies.

There was no point. There was no one there anymore.

The sun was high in the sky by the time his circuit led him to the last stop before home. There couldn’t be more than an hour or so of sunlight left.

Dan finally slowed down as he approached the jagged rock formation that led to the cenote that was his final check-in of the day. He left his pack resting on one of the concave shapes eroded into the stone, secured against any strong winds by one of the stray rocks lying around, before heading for the mouth of the cave. It really did look like a mouth, rough spikes growing up out of the base of the opening and coiling all around it like monstrously deformed, too-sharp teeth. It wasn’t the easiest squeeze, especially for someone his size, but he could manoeuvre it without too much trouble, his hands and feet familiar with the grooves and sharp edges. It was for the best anyway, he thought. Wouldn’t do to have an unwary traveller enter the sacred caves by mistake.

He didn’t come here often. But the day’s news was worrying enough to warrant it, he’d decided after ruminating on it all day. He’d worried about it in the back of his head for the entirety of his trip.

He navigated the sharp mouth of the cave and crossed into the cooler air inside, careful to stay his grip into the stone wall before steadily climbing down. There was a stretch of open sky that illuminated a patch of the deep blue waters which covered most of the vast interconnected caves, but jumping directly into the waters would be nothing short of suicidal, even for a not-unwelcome-guest such as himself. He’d never trespass on another’s domain like that, nor would he want to abuse his welcome. He knew how rare the courtesy extended to him was, and how precious for it.

The rays of sunlight reaching into the deceptively calm water made it sparkle attractively, and Dan took the time to appreciate the beautiful play of flecks of light and shadows that adorned the cave walls as clouds shifted all the way up in the sky. He’d always enjoyed the view, from the first time he was allowed entry here as a child, and he’d always marvelled that he would be given such an unlikely gift. The habitants of the cenotes were infamous for distrusting outsiders.

To those who even knew there was such a thing, anyway.

As he was reaching the ground - he’d headed for the small patch of limestone filled with tiny rocks to the left of the cave entrance as was the custom - he lowered his bare feet into the narrow riverbank and announced his presence with a distinct whistle. They would have already noticed him, of course, but the rituals must be observed. He waited a full minute, counting in his head and watching the little shadows of movement in the water, taking in the seldom-seen beauty of the caves, then, once the minute was over, he moved ahead, carefully, deliberately, to the edge of the river. He could only advance three wide steps before the stream bed plunged to unknown depths, and so he stopped at the third step, the soles of his feet firmly rooted into the rock, and he waited.

He wasn’t made to wait long. He saw the figures approach, thin and sinewy and too fast to be any kind of human, too fast in the water to be anything but what they were, and he let his feet and calves harden and expand lightly, gripping into the rock he was standing on more securely and providing a more reliable proof of his own identity than anything else he could have done or presented them with. He was in their domain, anyway. One, alone, where hundreds of them swam leisurely around, and where hundreds more could be called if a threat dared show up. If they wanted him dead he didn’t stand a chance. Just as they liked it.

He couldn’t really blame them.

They surfaced a few meters away, and he was relieved to recognise their leader. She hadn’t always been available for his impromptu visits, and the others were much more distrustful of him. Klavdiya was there the first time Dan had visited as a kid, however. She remembered his Papa too, and that also helped.

“Lady Klavdiya,” Dan addressed her, twining his arms close to his chest, and inclined his torso slightly while keeping eye contact with her. She bared her too-long, too-sharp teeth in a grimace Dan had learnt was a gesture not unlike a smile for humans. The two rusalki flanking her sides allowed themselves to stoop lower into the water, vigilant as ever but mollified by the show of respect. Dan only recognised one of them from his previous visits, though she’d never offered a name.

“Daniel, forest child. You come unannounced.”

“I do. I’ve received news that you deserve to hear.” The rusalki appreciated candour as much as Dan did, so he didn’t waste their time with small talk. It would be an insult to them both.

“Speak,” Klavdiya prompted, not unkindly.

“There is a party coming to the village. No more than a dozen humans, but among them, there is a pair of hunters. Rumours are they’re quite skilled in certain magicks, and they’ve sent word that they’re canvassing the kingdom, catching and disposing of any non-humans they can and making note of others they may not have the resources to slay. I don’t know how accurate the assessment of their skills is, but I’ve ascertained that there is a pair of hunters travelling this way, and they’ve apparently caused quite the stir in the neighbouring lands, so I doubt they’ll be easy pickings.”

Klavdiya swirled her tail close to the surface in a dangerous motion that Dan knew could drain the life of a human in a single blow.

She was worried.

Dan hated it.

“Canvassing…” she sounded the word out, picking at it as she asked for more information.

“I doubt they’ll venture this deep into the forest. If they do, I may well have to take them out myself before they ever reach the caves.”

Klavdiya’s fins flickered in sympathy. She knew he wouldn’t enjoy it if it came to that.

Dan understood the significance of the gesture, a notable display of insight and compassion from a creature who would delight in slaying her enemies, as brutally and mercilessly as she felt they deserved. He saw the respect in her eyes, in her posture, in every word she said to him. She knew he would do it if necessary.

“You may need help,” she declared.

“I hope not,” he hedged.

“You may need help,” she repeated, softly but with a core of strength intrinsic to her people and her character.

“I do not wish to involve you. I have come to warn you because I may not be able to come once they’re in the vicinity. I would not want to lead them here. And I don’t know how long they’ll stay.”

“You may need help,” she repeated herself a third time, and much as he didn’t want to acknowledge the implicit offer, it would border on a snub to dismiss it a third time. Dan gave her a pleading look. She didn’t flinch.

“...I may. But if it comes to that, it may be too late for me anyway.”

“If you lead them to the opening at the top, you need only push them in. If they fall into the water, my brethren will make short work of them, magick or no magick.”

The hunters’ magic could cost her brethren several lives, maybe dozens if they were as powerful as advertised. He didn’t say this. She knew. A threat to his forest implied a threat to her caves, to her river, to the sea her river flowed into. A canvassing entourage might even be planning that far ahead. Dan rather hoped not.

He let out a heavy breath, reluctant acquiescence. “I promise I shall only consider it as the very last resort,” he vowed.

Klavdiya inclined into an awkward bow, respect shown for respect due. “You need not vow so, our offer was freely made. But it is appreciated.” She would not have offered so to someone else. She would not have offered if she didn’t know he’d never ask it of them. That is why she offered. That, and her people. Their domain. Their home. They would rather all die defending it than surrender one lone inch of it. They’d already lost so many. Humans had always been particularly brutal to her kind, and it had only got so much worse in the last decade...

“My respects to you and yours. May our alliance endure the hurdles to come, and may no threat disturb the peace and quiet of our lands and rivers.” The formal words closed the formal encounter, and he waited to see what Klavdiya would do next.

“Our respects, forest child. Should you need our power, we shall be here.”

Dan did another ‘rusalka bow’, as he’d come to call them when he’d first learnt them as a child, arms entwined and pressed to his chest, a show of respect and trust to the people whose domain he had been allowed to step into. He remembered his Papa explaining the significance of the tangled arms - a deliberate blunting of one of their best weapons; the position of their feet - as deep as they could go into the water without endangering or maiming themselves - and the revealing of their nature by calling forth the forest to reshape their lower limbs into their inhuman form - proof of identity, of membership, of allegiance. He had tried to copy the delicate movements that flowed so effortlessly from his Papa, but he’d only managed a clumsy imitation that first time. They’d practised later, back at home, at little Dan’s insistence. He’d been five then.

Now, the movements were well-practised, his limbs folding gracefully and his stance never wavering. Klavdiya rose from her own bow and made a swirly movement with her arms to dismiss her companions. They’d stay close, keep an eye on them, he knew, but they didn’t argue; just submerged themselves into the water and disappeared from view.

Klavdiya swam close, movements careful so as to display her goodwill. A rusalka swimming at natural speeds would read to any creature as a threat on an instinctual level, no matter how firm an ally they knew them to be. Dan flexed his feet, one after the other, smoothing rough bark back into soft pale flesh, and took three steps back so that he could sit on the edge of the water, letting his human-looking feet rest comfortably in the shallows.

“Did you find anything else?” Klavdiya asked once she was within reach. Not that they’d reach out to touch each other. Neither one particularly cared to, and if they did there’d be angry and protective rusalki to answer to.

Dan shook his head, allowing his expression to display his worry fully. He’d only heard rumours, some snippets of conversations overheard and some freely offered. But he’d heard tales of less fortunate lands, heard enough - too much, really - of the horrors perpetrated by more zealous bands of humans in the plains to the east, the scope of the bloodshed in the mountain villages of the south, the atrocities committed in the name of ‘humanity’. He’d never been an optimist, but the current political climate was beyond anything he could have feared. It made surviving a burden, sometimes.

He missed his Papa like a cracked rib, the pain sharp and present with every breath he took, and he sometimes thought that if it wasn’t for the chance to help others, to help even a few of the poor lost souls that were being mercilessly hunted as far and wide as he managed to get news from, then he might have given up long ago. The future felt so bleak. And he was so tired.

But he was the last bastion between the misguided and cruel and the haven that was his forest, strategically tucked away into its roots, emboldened and favoured by Her, her child, and he couldn’t abandon Her any more than he could abandon those in need that were desperate enough to venture inside into her welcoming folds, and there had been quite a few of those in recent years. These were desperate times, after all.

Some, however, like the rusalki, hadn’t ventured in looking for an escape, but rather they were a part of it from times immemorial.

Well, the rusalki were neighbours to it, technically. They had their own domain in the pools of the caves entrenched within the forest, and in the river that flowed through them, connecting them to the deeper, wider sea. But they belonged there, they had been there for millennia, and for all their danger they felt to Dan like a respite, a comfort, a steady bulwark that refused to be moved, refused to be challenged, refused to be cowed.

So many peoples had folded, some in fear, some in indifference, a few in a strategic bid that meant to win them the realm in the long run. But not the rusalki, steadfast and unyielding as ever, and not Dan either. Unlike them, he lacked the strength of numbers, however. He only had the forest. The forest and his human parents, who had no command of magick, his human parents who couldn’t fight, and who still now carried the bleeding wound of the forced separation with their hearts’ partner, patched up but still raw, still tearing at them, still ravaging their will and their courage. Dan sometimes thought that they suffered his Papa’s absence even more keenly than him.

His talk with Klavdiya was short, as their chats usually were, but he was pleased to see her bare her teeth once again when he showed her the token he’d brought for her. He knew to be careful with gifts, but rocks from his forest, imbued with the moon’s energy and the earth’s vitality, were quite straightforward as presents from one ally to another, and useful enough not to raise any hackles from the more suspicious of her brethren.

The sun was getting low, however, and soon they had no more information to exchange, not even of the personal leisurely sort, so he bid his goodbyes and left with the promise to visit again once the danger was past them. He’d keep to his next scheduled visit if the hunters were gone by then, and only make another surprise visit if he felt like he must, if circumstances changed.

Hopefully, that wouldn’t be necessary.

By the time he’d climbed back to the surface and out through the tricky mouth of the cave, the sky was a deep orange. He could walk through the forest deaf and blind if he had to, of course, so navigating it by night under the watchful light of the stars would be no hardship for him.

But he was getting hungry and he hadn’t forgotten the qurabiya nestled carefully inside his pack. He’d make a simple dinner and enjoy one for dessert. It shouldn’t take long for him to get to his cottage.

He’d make in an early night. He had plans early the next day.

[dweemeister]

My alternative 91st Academy Awards

As always during 31 Days of Oscar, I partake in an annual fantasy. What would the Oscars look like if I stuffed the ballots - choosing every single nomination and choosing every single winner? It always would look a lot different. Fans of Black Panther and Bohemian Rhapsody and Vice? Come at me.

91st Academy Awards – February 24, 2019 Dolby Theatre – Hollywood, Los Angeles, California Host: None Broadcaster: ABC

Best Picture: ROMA

BlacKkKlansman, Sean McKittrick, Jason Blum, Raymond Mansfield, Jordan Peele, and Spike Lee (Focus)

Burning (KOR), Lee Joon-dong and Lee Chang-dong (Pinehouse Film/Now Film/NHK/CGV Arthouse/Well Go USA Entertainment)

Eighth Grade, Scott Rudin, Eli Bush, Lila Yacoub, and Christopher Storer (A24)

The Favourite, Ceci Dempsey, Ed Guiney, Lee Magiday, and Yorgos Lanthimos (Fox Searchlight)

Mission: Impossible – Fallout, J.J. Abrams, Tom Cruise, Christopher McQuarrie, and Jake Myers (Paramount)

Roma (MEX), Alfonso Cuarón, Gabriela Rodriguez, and Nicolas Celis (Netflix)

Shoplifters (JPN), Matsuzaki Kaoru, Yose Akihiko, and Taguchi Hijiri (AOI Promotion/Fuji TV/GAGA/Magnolia Pictures)

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, Avi Arad, Ami Pascal, Phil Lord, Christopher Miller, and Christina Steinberg (Columbia)

A Star Is Born, Bill Gerber, Jon Peters, Bradley Cooper, Todd Phillips, and Lynette Howell Taylor (Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer/Warner Bros.)

Won’t You Be My Neighbor?, Morgan Neville, Caryn Capotosto, and Nicholas Ma (Focus)

Wholesale changes in this category compared to real life. The best three films of 2018, to me, were Burning, Roma, and Shoplifters -- none of these were in the English language. Films I tossed for Best Picture were Black Panther, Bohemian Rhapsody, Green Book, and Vice. I don’t think any of those four films have any business being in this category. In their place are the likes of Eighth Grade, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, Won’t You Be My Neighbor?, and one of the most technically marvelous action films in decades in Mission: Impossible -- Fallout. Yes, an M:I film (superb editing, setpieces, and audacious style that finally wakes the franchise up).

But I’m going for an unexciting pick according to some with Roma. To use an oxymoron, it is an intimate epic -- one crafted beautifully, daring to comment on relations between ethnicities and the sexes at a certain time in Mexico. 

Best Director

Lee Chang-dong, Burning

Alfonso Cuarón, Roma

Hirokazu Koreeda, Shoplifters

Christopher McQuarrie, Mission: Impossible – Fallout

Paul Schrader, First Reformed

If you’re scratching your head, yes... Paul Schrader was nominated for Director in my ceremony, but First Reformed is nowhere to be found in Picture. I tend to do this for one Best Director nominee every year.

Best Actor

Christian Bale, Vice

Ryan Gosling, First Man

Ethan Hawke, First Reformed

Rami Malek, Bohemian Rhapsody

Yoo Ah-in, Burning

The real-life Best Actor category this year is the most dire slate in a while. So here is your palate cleanser. 

Best Actress

Yalitza Aparicio, Roma

Glenn Close, The Wife

Olivia Colman, The Favourite

Elsie Fisher, Eighth Grade

Lady Gaga, A Star Is Born

It is not so much acting, as inhabiting. And, as a non-professional actress, Yalitza Aparicio has it. And I believe that, in my alternate Oscar universe (yes, I’ve drawn up and thought about it for many ceremonies past... I’ll reveal those some day), Aparicio would be the first indigenous woman to be awarded an acting Oscar.

Best Supporting Actor

Mahershala Ali, Green Book

Richard E. Grant, Can You Ever Forgive Me?

Josh Hamilton, Eighth Grade

Tim Blake Nelson, The Ballad of Buster Scruggs

Steven Yeun, Burning

Ali is good, don’t get me wrong. But, compared to the movie Moonlight and his performance in it, it looks like he is about to get a second Oscar for a far worse movie and a lesser role. Ali is fourth or fifth in this lineup for me. Grant is fantastic in Can You Ever Forgive Me?

Best Supporting Actress

Regina King, If Beale Street Could Talk

Emma Stone, The Favourite

Marina de Tavira, Roma

Rachel Weisz, The Favourite

Michelle Yeoh, Crazy Rich Asians

This comes down to the fact I couldn’t separate Stone and Weisz’s performances in their saucy movie. Nor could I find the argument to give de Tavira or Yeoh the Oscar. This is a bit of a default choice, I hate to say.

Best Adapted Screenplay

Joel Coen and Ethan Coen, The Ballad of Buster Scruggs

Charlie Wachtel, David Rabinowitz, Kevin Willmott, and Spike Lee, BlacKkKlansman

Nicole Holofcener and Jeff Whitty, Can You Ever Forgive Me?

Barry Jenkins, If Beale Street Could Talk

Debra Granik and Anne Rosellini, Leave No Trace

Spike Lee would have at least one or two Oscars in my alternative universe by this point! The difference between the screenplays for BlacKkKlansman and Can You Ever Forgive Me? is far slighter than you think.

Best Original Screenplay

Bo Burnham, Eighth Grade

Deborah Davis and Tony McNamara, The Favourite

Paul Schrader, First Reformed

Alfonso Cuarón, Roma

Hirokazu Koreeda, Shoplifters

Not even a contest if you asked me. This category is something else if I consider The Favourite and Roma bringing up the rear. But Koreeda’s drama about a found family that does what they can to survive is the culmination of what he has done in his career thus far. This is his Oscar.

Best Animated Feature

Incredibles 2 (Pixar/Walt Disney)

Night is Short, Walk On Girl, Japan (GKIDS/Toho Company)

Ruben Brandt, Collector, Hungary (Mozinet/Sony Pictures Classics)

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (Columbia)

Tito and the Birds, Brazil (Bits Produções/Shout! Factory)

Longtime followers know that I have unorthodox opinions about animated features. The only Animated Feature Oscar I’ve handed to Pixar/Walt Disney Animation Studios since beginning this tradition in 2013 was for Inside Out. I thought Ralph Breaks the Internet was a painful addition to the Disney animated canon, so it is not here. Nor is Wes Anderson’s culturally insensitive Isle of Dogs or Mamoru Hosoda’s sloppy Mirai. At the end of the day? No boat-rocking this time, except in some of the other nominees.

Best Documentary Feature

Free Solo (National Geographic)

Hale County This Morning, This Evening (The Cinema Guild)

Minding the Gap (ITVS/Kartemquin Films/Hulu/Magnolia Pictures)

Three Identical Strangers (CNN/Channel 4/Neon)

Won’t You Be My Neighbor? (Focus)

Shoulda been nominated! Shoulda won! But in the spirit of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, these are all great documentaries. Minding the Gap is a close #2.

Best Foreign Language Film

Burning, South Korea

Capernaum, Lebanon

Cold War, Poland

Roma, Mexico

Shoplifters, Japan

Best Cinematography

Alfonso Cuarón, Roma

Caleb Deschanel, Never Look Away (GER)

Rob Hardy, Mission: Impossible – Fallout

Matthew Libatique, A Star Is Born

Łukasz Żal, Cold War

Best Film Editing

Barry Alexander Brown, BlacKkKlansman

Jay Cassidy, A Star Is Born

Tom Cross, First Man

Eddie Hamilton, Mission: Impossible – Fallout

Yorgos Mavropsaridis, The Favourite

Best Original Musical*

Julia Michels, A Star Is Born

Marc Shaiman and Scott Wittman, Mary Poppins Returns

Sia, Greg Kurstin, Scott Walker, and Margaret Yen, Vox Lux

*Best Original Musical – known previously as several other names – exists in the Academy’s rulebooks, but requires activation from the Academy’s music branch. To qualify, a film must have no fewer than five original songs. This category was last activated when Prince won for Purple Rain (1984).

Best Original Score

Michael Giacchino, Incredibles 2

Justin Hurwitz, First Man

John Powell, Solo

Alan Silvestri, Ready Player One

Brian Tyler, Crazy Rich Asians

The Star Wars universe is in good musical hands when John Williams leaves after Episode IX!

Best Original Song

“All the Stars”, music by Kendrick Lamar, Sounwave, and Anthony Tiffith, lyrics by Lamar, SZA, and Tiffith, Black Panther

“Nowhere to Go but Up”, music by Marc Shaiman, lyrics by Shaiman and Scott Wittman, Mary Poppins Returns

“The Place Where Lost Things Go”, music by Marc Shaiman, lyrics by Shaiman and Scott Wittman, Mary Poppins Returns

“Shallow”, music and lyrics by Lady Gaga, Mark Ronson, Anthony Rossomando, and Andrew Wyatt, A Star Is Born

“When a Cowboy Trades His Spurs for Wings”, music and lyrics by David Rawlings and Gillian Welch, The Ballad of Buster Scruggs

Best Costume Design

Alexander Byrne, Mary Queen of Scots

Ruth E. Carter, Black Panther

Sandy Powell, The Favourite

Sandy Powell, Mary Poppins Returns

Mary E. Vogt, Crazy Rich Asians

Best Makeup and Hairstyling

Cindy Harlow and Camille Friend, Black Panther

Göran Lundström and Pamela Goldammer, Border (SWE)

Jenny Shircore, Marc Pilcher, and Jessica Brooks, Mary Queen of Scots

Amanda Knight and Lisa Tomblin, Solo

Greg Cannom, Kate Biscoe, and Patricia Dehaney, Vice

Best Production Design

Hannah Beachler, Black Panther

Nelson Coates, Crazy Rich Asians

Fiona Crombie, The Favourite

Nathan Crowley, First Man

John Myhre, Mary Poppins Returns

Best Sound Editing

Benjamin A. Burt and Steve Boeddeker, Black Panther

Ai-Ling Lee and Mildred Iatrou Morgan, First Man

James Mather, Victoria Freund, and Nina Norek, Mission: Impossible – Fallout

Ethan Van der Ryn and Erik Aadahl, A Quiet Place

Richard Hymns, Gary Rydstrom, Cameron Barker, and Doug Winningham, Ready Player One

Best Sound Mixing

John Casali, Paul Massey, Tim Cavagin, and Niv Adiri, Bohemian Rhapsody

Jon Taylor, Frank A. Montaño, Ai-Ling Lee and Mary H. Ellis, First Man

Chris Munro, Paul Munro, Lloyd Dudley, and Mark Timms, Mission: Impossible – Fallout

Michael Barosky, Brandon Proctor, and Michael Barry, A Quiet Place

Tom Ozanich, Dean Zupancic, Jason Ruder and Steve Morrow, A Star Is Born

Best Visual Effects

Daniel DeLeeuw, Jen Underdahl, Kelly Port, Matt Aitken, Dan Sudick, Avengers: Infinity War

Christopher Lawrence, Michael Eames, Theo Jones, and Chris Corbould, Christopher Robin

Paul Lambert, Ian Hunter, Tristan Myles, and J. D. Schwalm, First Man

Roger Guyett, Grady Cofer, Matthew E. Butler, and David Shirk, Ready Player One

Rob Bredow, Patrick Tubach, Neal Scanlan, and Dominic Tuohy, Solo

Best Documentary Short

Black Sheep (Lightbox Entertainment/The Guardian)

End Game (Netflix)

Lifeboat (Spin Film/RYOT Films)

A Night at the Garden (Field of Vision)

Period. End of Sentence. (Guneet Monga)

My omnibus review of this year’s nominees is coming soon (check this space later).

Best Live Action Short

Detainment (Twelve Media)

Fauve, Canada (H264 Distribution)

Marguerite, Canada (H264 Distribution)

Mother, Spain (Apache Films/Caballo Films/Malvalanda)

Skin (New Native Pictures/Salaud Morisset)

My omnibus review of this year’s nominees is coming soon (check this space later).

Best Animated Short

Animal Behaviour (National Film Board of Canada)

Bao (Pixar/Walt Disney)

Late Afternoon (Cartoon Saloon)

One Small Step (Taiko Studios)

Weekends (Past Lives Productions)

My omnibus review of this year’s nominees can be read here.

Academy Honorary Awards: Cicely Tyson, Lalo Schifrin, and Marvin Levy

Irving G. Thalberg Memorial Award: Kathleen Kennedy and Frank Marshall

MULTIPLE NOMINEES (24) Eight: The Favourite; Roma Seven: First Man; A Star Is Born Six: Mission: Impossible – Fallout Five: Black Panther; Burning; Mary Poppins Returns Four: Crazy Rich Asians; Eighth Grade; Shoplifters Three: The Ballad of Buster Scruggs; BlacKkKlansman; First Reformed; Ready Player One, Solo Two: Bohemian Rhapsody; If Beale Street Could Talk; Incredibles 2; Mary Queen of Scots; A Quiet Place; Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse; Vice; Won’t You Be My Neighbor?

WINNERS 4 wins: Roma 2 wins: First Man; Mary Poppins Returns 1 win: BlacKkKlansman; Black Panther; Border; Can You Ever Forgive Me?; Cold War; Crazy Rich Asians; First Reformed; If Beale Street Could Talk; Marguerite; Mission: Impossible – Fallout; Shoplifters; Solo; Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse; A Star Is Born; Weekends; Won’t You Be My Neighbor?

19 winners from 25 categories. 39 feature-length films and 15 short films were represented.

[ageofbarbarians]

Dan Howell; Calm Yourself Down

"You're great. Take some time to just, look at something nice. Calm yourself down. Take a deep breath in, out, and say 'I'm fine, I can do this. I'm in control of my future. Everything will be fine.' I believe in you. Look at some animal videos Google some dog hybreeds. Water some plants, get a plant! It's good, it's nice to have something green. Take some time to just appreciate the nice things, even if there's bad things. Do some deep breaths. Listen to some Radio head. Watch some relaxing anime. Appreciate a plant cause ya know, it's little things that perk you up. Treat yourself. Cause you're special and you're worth it. Hope you all have a wonderful, enjoyable week. Stay chill. You have the pressure to do anything. Just stay calm, be like, 'Yo, it's mine. We appreciate you, we love you, you special snowflakes. Have a great life. Give yourself a hug, you deserve it. Be normal to regret 90 percent of your life and I understand how you feel. When you're debating the purpose of reality itself, whatever you have to do in with actual life suddenly seems very unimportant. You can't just do your everyday life when you're busy questioning your entire existence. You have to take this freedom and control over your own destiny that you realize you had and find it impowering and exciting. And don't waste any time in a funk cause something I know that I can't run away from is no one cares. The universe doesn't care. The world isn't gonna stop or slow down or change just for you and your little problems. Time is ticking away so whatever it is, you just have to deal with it and GO! You decide what you want to achieve or what you love, what you dream and come up with your own meaning. Embrace the void and have the courage to exist. You only live once, and then you die. So it's up to you how much of a good time you have. Find your own freedom and live life on your turn. If something is making you unhappy then don't moan about it spend your day being sad, deal with it. What's making you sad? Change it, whatever it is. There is way too much fun and joy in the world for anybody to waste their time or their life doing something that makes them unhappy, so go for it. We have one life so let's just try to make it more enjoyable for others for ourselves and don't waste your time on anyone who thinks other wise. Their either hopeless or in denial. Don't let anybody crush your spirit. Find something positive that will nurture your talent, inspiring you Be kind, for yourself."

-Daniel James Howell. https://youtu.be/4yvQ2EEZIhY @danielhowell

[scoops404]

I just wrote a fic

The Bait

Summary: Phil drags Dan into another video, but doesn’t give him the full story.

“Hey guys!” Dan feels that Phil waves at the camera, knowing his eyes would be showing his excitement. Dan’s sat behind a not-so-mysterious square pillow on the colorful duvet next to Phil. The things he does for Phil, honestly. The subscribers are going to see the title of the video, they know the ‘guest’ is Dan. Still, Dan can’t say no to Phil’s pouty face when he insists that Dan hide behind the pillow for a dramatic reveal.

“Since you guys loved my video where I took quizzes about myself so much, and then you loved it when Dan did it, we figured, we’d take some quizzes together,” Phil elbows Dan behind the pillow and then grumpily frowns. He supposes that was his cue.

“Ahh! Stop it,” Dan says, sounding a bit muffled and put out.

Phil starts tickling him when the elbowing doesn’t seem to work, “only guests who reveal themselves on time don’t get tickled to death.”

“You could have said,” Dan whines and then throws the pillow off like he’s a vampire and it’s time to wake up out of his coffin. The pillow lands somewhere off camera and almost knocks a plant over, “it is I, guys, Daniel Howell, here to keep our Philly Willy Ding Dong in checkarooni.”

“What language was that even?”

The whine turns into a pout, “you elbow me, you tickle me, you bully me, why am I even here, Phil Lester?”

Dan’s smiling enough to show both dimples so their audience will know he’s only kidding. Sometimes they don’t quite understand when he’s joking.

“You’re here to help me take quizzes, remember?” Phil says, pulling his ancient Macbook up onto his lap where he’s already pre-loaded a quiz. Dan can’t quite make out what type of quiz this is. He supposes it’ll be something dreadful like “Which ‘90’s Boybander is Your Spirit Animal?’

That actually sounds kind of cool, though. He would totally take that quiz in the middle of the night when he can’t sleep and Wikipedia isn’t cutting it anymore.

“You need help taking the quizzes? Isn’t it supposed to be a personality assessment? I think I’ll just confuse the answers,” Dan says, torn between trying to peek over Phil’s shoulder at the quiz for a better look and staring at the camera.

Phil notices the attempt at cheating and drags the laptop over to the other side, “I figure we’ll make a bit of a game out of it. I’ll read the questions to you first and you answer them, but the catch is, you won’t know what the name of the quiz is until the end.”

Dan’s face morphs into appreciation, Phil left that part of the explanation out when he was asking if Dan wanted to be in his video today, “so it’s kinda like how you know the name of the quiz and you can guess the answers that are going to give you the result you want, it’s like countering that urge.”

There goes Phil’s awesome brain again, Dan thinks. This is not the first time he’s conveniently left something out when asking Dan to film a video with him, and it sure won’t be the last. When you have a relationship like Dan has with Phil, there’s enough trust to know that Phil would never put him in a position where he was made to look like a fool. Well, more than gentle teasing. And if it truly is horrendous, then Phil wouldn’t put it up online. He’s also quite handy on editing.

“Yeah, it’s double blind,” Phil says, pointing at the camera, “Science Phil gave you your fact of the day.”

“I don’t think that’s what ‘double blind’ means, but okay, sounds good. And then do you do a quiz and I don’t tell you the name of it?”

“Yeah, but I haven’t loaded one for that because then it’d be cheating,” Phil adjusts how he’s sitting on the bed and looks over to Dan, “ready for the first question?”

Dan brings a hand in front of his face, grasping his fingers together and then bringing his whole fist down like he’s in a bad kung fu movie and he’s focusing his chi or something. “Yeah,” he says, “hit me with the first questy.”

On camera Phil doesn’t roll his eyes, but Dan knows he wants to. Instead, he pulls up the first question, “Okay, the first question is: ‘What do you look for in a friend?’”

“I’ve only got one and you’re looking at him,” Dan says to the camera.

Phil continues to read the question like Dan hadn’t interrupted, “A) Athletic B) Considerate C) Funny D) Loyal,” he turns to look at Dan, bright blue eyes focusing on reading Dan.

Phil could probably take this quiz for Dan with how well he knows him, and vice-versa. Dan’s never felt as known as he does with Phil and he loves it. He loves knowing the man he is spending his life with truly understands him and appreciates all the nuances that make him up, the good and the bad.

He cherishes the compromising they do—on the book and the tour, everyday life things. With Phil as his business partner, boyfriend, and flat mate, they’ve had to make every decision together and that can be very difficult if neither one is willing to compromise.  He’s enjoyed every way in which Phil enriches his life. He loves that when they start a family together one day, he’ll have a new type of partner in Phil and new things to argue about. Knowing that there’s more room to grow with Phil, comforts and excites Dan at the same time. They aren’t stagnant, but they are steady.

“Those are really hard to decide between,” Dan says, “can you read them again?”

Phil reads them again and Dan thinks on it pretty hard. Phil might have to edit some time out here.

“Well athletic is out right off the bat,” Dan says, because he can’t expect a friend to be something that he absolutely doesn’t identify with. Also, athleticism doesn’t speak much about a person’s character, so it’s not that important. Dan doesn’t choose his friends for their aesthetic appeal. His boyfriend of ten years does have a very high aesthetic appeal, though.

“And funny is out. I mean, I like funny people, but that’s not what I need at the core of a friend. Considerate would be nice, but then again, you’ve been leaving socks around and cabinets open since 2012 and I’ve clearly stuck around. So, let’s go with loyalty,” Dan feels confident in his answer.

“Final answer?” Phil asks, looking to Dan then back at the camera.

“Yeah, sure, next question.”

Phil clicks the answer and reads off the next question, “Which of these nights best suits you: A) Clubbing, B) Anime C) Sports D) House Party?”

“Anime,” Dan says with no pause.

Phil laughs a second and when he sees Dan’s questioning look explains, “I already had that one pressed, just needed you to confirm it.”

Dan laughs too, “Yeah, yeah, like that’s not the answer for you too. Go on, read the next one.”

“Which of these YouTubers would you talk to at a party: A) Felix—“

“Let me stop you there,” Dan interrupts, “Is AmazingPhil a choice?”

Phil nods and Dan goes on, “then let’s not kid ourselves. It’ll be you and me in the corner, eating snacks, and talking to a very select few people who are brave enough to approach us with the anti-social vibes I give off.”

“We’re not that bad,” Phil tries to protest, “that usually only happens after we’ve run out of things to talk about with people and we make excuses to go find a drink and then we just don’t return to the conversation, but we’re not quite ready to go home yet.”

Dan concedes, “true. My point still stands. AmazingPhil is my answer.”

Phil doesn’t bother to hide his little smile. After all this time together, he still loves when Dan chooses him above everyone else. Dan’s the same way, he gets a little thrill when Phil sits next to him—at home, in meetings, on the tube, you name it. He loves the validation of Phil making a conscious choice to be close to him.

“Next question, then,” Phil says, “and there are only two questions left.”

“Only five questions? That’s kind of a short quiz.”

“I didn’t want the viewers to get too bored. And this way we can do a couple different quizzes instead of one quiz with forty questions,” Phil says and Dan sees his point. Better to have shorter quizzes for more shenanigans.

“Anyway, the next question is: What reaction do you have when you see a dog: A) What breed is that? B) I want to pet it and I want to pet it right now C) That’s an ugly dog D) I’m allergic, help!”

“Quick answer to that one, obviously, I want to pet the dog. Who could look at any dog and say it’s ugly? What is wrong with humanity,” Dan asks, shaking his head.

Phil looks solemn as well, “Some people need to learn to look beneath the surface and see the true beauty beneath.”

“Besides that being literally the cheesiest thing you’ve ever said, it’s true. I would love my really ugly doggo, and we would play fetch, and do tummy scratches, and cuddles, and give each other kisses. What’s not to love about dogs?”

“There’s everything to love about dogs!” Phil agrees enthusiastically and both of them look at the camera. Phil will probably do some sort of edit here, “Last question, are you ready, Daniel?”

“The last question is am I ready? I mean, yeah?”

Phil gives him his patented I’m sick of your shit look. Dan giggles until Phil can’t hold the face any longer and joins him.

“That was the stupidest joke, Dan.”

“You loved it,” he says, “now give me the real last question.”

“Okay, okay, the last question is,” Dan watches Phil find his spot on the laptop, “What type of partner would you want for long term?”

This is a touchy question, since they aren’t out to their viewers. What type of partner would Dan want? Phil. Always Phil. In every way, Phil.

Someone to spend his day with, who makes him laugh constantly. Someone who understands him, holds him accountable, challenges him and supports him? That’s Phil. Someone who holds the same values as him but thinks just slightly differently? Dan loves the way that Phil’s mind works, it’s how he can be so creative and innovative.

“A) Supportive and Nurturing B) Funny and Loyal C) Challenging and Secure or D) All of the Above,” Phil finishes and, yeah, they’re going to have to re-film this bit because Dan can’t keep from kissing Phil.

“You know you’re all those things, right?” Dan says when they come up for air, “you are literally all those things and more. You’re my best friend, my lover, my partner, my favorite person in the world and I’d do anything to keep you happy and safe and by my side forever.”

Phil blushes like this is the first time they’ve ever kissed and Dan’s said nice things about him. He pecks Dan again quickly, “I love you too. Now, should I start at the answer choices this time?”

Dan lets himself look longingly at Phil for a couple more seconds before he tries to rein it in. He’s not very good at reining it in according to the internet, but he does try.

“The answers will be fine,” he says. Phil reads them off again and this time Dan doesn’t cross the distance and kiss his boyfriend, even though he really wants to. “I’m going to have to go with all of the above. Because why limit myself and why limit my long-term partner, am I right?”

Phil smiles and Dan thinks he’s just on this side of okay for what’s appropriate in a video these days.

“Do you want the answer first, or the name of the quiz first?” Phil asks.

Dan considers the question for a second, “I think it’s funnier if you give me the answer first and then the name of the quiz, but it might not make any sense. So, your choice I guess.”

Phil looks down at his laptop, to look at the answer, “I’m going to give you the name of the quiz first.”

“Okay,” Dan says and he thinks he picks up a hint of nervousness in Phil’s voice. He could be wrong, but just in case, he pushes his knee over so that it’s resting against Phil’s thigh.

“The title of your mystery quiz is ‘Which Youtuber Should You Have a Baby With.”

Dan looks at the camera and shakes his head slowly, a smile forcefully pulled out of him, “Really? Alright then, go on, what’s my result? Who am I having a baby with, Phil?”

He looks over to Phil for the answer and Phil is looking intently at the laptop screen. Phil’s behaving rather odd, Dan thinks, normally this is the part of the video where Phil would be over the top and enthusiastic and speaking quickly and excitedly. Instead, Dan sees that he’s biting his lips and his eyes look uncharacteristically serious for a moment like this.

“The results are in,” Phil eventually says, and turns the laptop screen around to show Dan that the answer, unsurprisingly, says AmazingPhil, “The internet says you should have a baby with AmazingPhil.”

“Of course it would be you,” Dan says, trying to pull it off as a joke for Phil’s video, but their eventual family isn’t really something he wants to joke about. Phil might have to edit this entire quiz out of the video because Dan can’t stand to even entertain the idea of having a family with anyone other than Phil.

“You should have a baby with me,” Phil says again and this time with a tone in his voice that Dan can’t quite place. It’s serious and something in it grabs Dan and forces him to look back at Phil until the strange reverence in Phil’s sharp blue eyes fills Dan to the brim. Phil reaches over and takes Dan’s hand in his, bringing it to his lips and kissing it softly.

“Please,” he says, “have a baby with me. I’m ready to start a family with you.”

“Is this going in the video?” is all Dan can think to ask, his mind strangely blank from happiness.

“No,” Phil says, holding Dan’s hand with both hands now, “there’s no video. I just wanted to ask you dramatically.”

Dan chuckles because of course Phil wanted to be dramatic. This is the man who forces them to open their Christmas presents slowly and one at a time so that they can watch each other’s faces when the present is revealed. This is the man who read his early teenage chats to the internet and dressed up and did voices for everybody. People like to claim Dan is the dramatic one, and sure, he’ll accept that he’s extra as hell, but Phil has a flare for the dramatic too. It’s one of the many things he loves about him.

“Yes,” he reaches over to kiss Phil, “I would love to have a baby with you and start our family.”

Phil’s tongue peeks through his teeth when he smiles and Dan’s heart melts. He throws Phil’s laptop carefully onto the bed and climbs into his lap to hug him. His arms go around Phil’s shoulders and Phil’s arms rest on his waist and they bask in the presence of one another.

“Phil?” he says a couple minutes later.

“Yeah?”

Dan nuzzles into his neck, “We’re going to be dads.”

Phil presses a soft kiss to Dan’s jaw, “We’re going to be great dads. We already have so many internet children who think so.”

Dan sighs, but he can’t keep the smile off his face all day.

[andystanberg]

~ still not gay ~

Word Count: 2 800

Genre: chat fic, coming out, coming to terms with sexuality, humour

Pairing(s): phan, tiny mention of kickthestickz

Warnings: swearing, so many spelling/grammar mistakes (all on purpose as it’s a chat fic), mentioned homophobia, sexual humour (not a lot)

Summary:

crabstickzzz has added PJ to the chat. PJ: what? dannyboy: chris and co. think im gay

A/N Shout out to the (formerly) ~ still not gay ~ chat, thanks for not believing I was straight. (Loosely based off my own unconventional coming out.)

AUGUST 12TH

dan is gay

crabstickzzz has added PJ to the chat.

PJ: what?

dannyboy: chris and co. think im gay

PJ: you are.

crabstickzzz: SUCK IT HOWELL

LouiseP: Chris, Dan clearly isn’t ready for blowjobs yet.

dannyboy: IM NOT GAY

PJ: sure.

crabstickzzz: wat about ur crush on phil

AmazingPhil: His what now

dannyboy: i dont have a crush on phil

PJ: sure.

dannyboy: im straight guys cmon

PJ has changed the chat name to dan is in denial and gay.

dannyboy: oh for fucks sake

dannyboy: seriously guys im 100% sure im straight

PJ: sure.

-

AUGUST 15TH

dan is in denial and gay

AmazingPhil: Why is the name always about Dan

LouiseP: This group chat is dedicated to whether or not Dan is gay. And memes.

crabstickzzz: thats all we talk about so theres no point in creating another

PJ: i’ve been in this group chat for two days and it’s true.

dannyboy: why does it matter what i am

crabstickzzz: bc u wont admit ur gay! we r teaching u to love and accept urself 4 who u r!!!

dannyboy: bullshit

AmazingPhil: Maybe we should lay off Dan a bit

dannyboy: thank you filip

AmazingPhil: Never mind please continue

dannyboy changed the chat name to i hate you all

-

Private chat between dannyboy and AmazingPhil.

AmazingPhil: You’re not mad, are you?

dannyboy: no

AmazingPhil: Sure?

dannyboy: its fine. theyre joking and having fun. i just dont get why they care so much about my sexuality though

AmazingPhil: Maybe Crabstickzzz and PJ have a crush on you and Louise is trying to wingman both???

dannyboy: yeah right. can you imagine?

AmazingPhil: You never know

dannyboy: for starters, nobody has, or ever had, or ever will have a crush on me, and secondly, crabstickzzz and pj are dating

AmazingPhil: WHAT? WHEN? HOW?

dannyboy: well i dont know for sure but cmon

AmazingPhil: Oh good. I thought I had missed their big reveal

AmazingPhil: Also don’t be so sure about the crush thing

dannyboy: what? who has a crush on me?!

dannyboy: PHIL LESTER ANSWER ME

-

NOVEMBER 20TH

i hate you all

dannyboy: GUYS OH MY GOD DID YOU SEE THE PIC ZAC EFRON JUST POSTED

LouiseP: Who’s Zack?

PJ: oh boy.

dannyboy: HOW DARE YOU! ZAC**** IS THE ACTOR OF TROY BOLTON AKA MY SPIRIT ANIMAL

AmazingPhil: I JUST SAW IT TOO HE LOOKS SO GOOD

dannyboy: I KNOW RIGHT?????

LouiseP: daNIEL

PJ: HAH KNEW IT.

dannyboy: what

crabstickzzz: ur not good at being straight, my friend

dannyboy: oh come on! i may be straight but im not BLIND!

PJ: sure.

dannyboy: phil back me up!

AmazingPhil: Dan has a point.

crabstickzzz: spoil sport

crabstickzzz has kicked AmazingPhil from the chat.

dannyboy: OI

LouiseP: Chris, add him back in.

crabstickzzz: fineeee only cause ur scary

crabstickzzz has added AmazingPhil to the chat.

dannyboy has changed the chat name to welcome back fil.

AmazingPhil has changed the chat name to chris sucks.

dannyboy: i second that

crabstickzzz: wat did i do???

PJ: you’re really asking yourself that?

-

NOVEMBER 25TH

chris sucks

LouiseP: It’s been five days are you all dea?

crabstickzzz: yep im so dea

LouiseP: Oh shut up, like you can talk.

PJ: he never stops talking. don’t encourage him, for my sake.

crabstickzzz: do not

AmazingPhil: Do too

PJ: do too.

dannyboy: do too

crabstickzzz: alright i get it

LouiseP: Do too.

LouiseP: Whoops.

crabstickzzz: watevr

crabstickzzz: so dan have u figured out that ur gay yet

dannyboy: for the last time, im like 99% sure im straight

PJ: that’s 1% less than last time.

crabstickzzz: progress!!!

dannyboy: no its just that if evan peters wanted to fuck me, i wouldnt say no

LouiseP: Hardly anyone would.

dannyboy: see? it doesnt prove anything

AmazingPhil: well…

dannyboy: I THOUGHT YOU WERE ON MY SIDE

PJ: welcome to the dark side.

AmazingPhil: I just go for whatever side is winning! Can’t blame a man for surviving

dannyboy: thats not the saying

AmazingPhil: It is now!

dannyboy: weve been over this! you cant steal sayings and try to change them

AmazingPhil: I just did

dannyboy: why am i friends with you

crabstickzzz: bc u like him

dannyboy changed the chat name to ~ still not gay ~.

PJ: sure.

LouiseP: You say that a lot.

PJ: it’s because it’s needed. if dan didn’t deny the blatantly obvious, i wouldn’t have to be sarcastic all the time.

crabstickzzz: dont lie to urself

-

NOVEMBER 27TH

~ still not gay~

dannyboy: oh my god oh m y god

AmazingPhil: What?!

dannyboy: fcukin evan peters in ahs

AmazingPhil: ARE YOU WATCHING WITHOUT ME

dannyboy: maybe…

AmazingPhil: BETRAYAL

crabstickzzz: gayyyyyy

dannyboy: fuck off let me have this chris

PJ: yeah chris, fuck off.

dannyboy: thanks pj

PJ: it’s okay. also...

dannyboy: what

PJ: gayyyyy.

AmazingPhil: Okay but Dan has a point

LouiseP: True!

dannyboy: phil and louise are my only friends

crabstickzzz: danyul they both like guys doesnt that say something

dannyboy: psh whatever

-

DECEMBER 25TH

~ still not gay ~

dannyboy: ugh im stuck with sucky wifi away from home :(

AmazingPhil: Aw! Does that mean no skype tonight?

dannyboy: im using my data rn and its so slow, skype would be a nightmare. sorry phil

AmazingPhil: I’ll see you when you get back, then.

dannyboy: yeah :)

crabstickzzz: ugh stop flirting

PJ: yeah, get your own chat.

LouiseP: I think it’s cute.

dannyboy: yeah okay im leaving

PJ: he didn’t deny the flirting part though.

-

JANUARY 1ST

~ still not gay ~

dannyboy: new years and no one to kiss wow what a surprise

AmazingPhil: My offer still stands ;)

LouiseP: WAIT, WHAT OFFER?!

crabstickzzz: yeah wat offer

PJ: is no one gonna..?

PJ: okay fine I guess I’ll have to do it.

PJ: gayyyyyyy

AmazingPhil: I wish

dannyboy: keep dreaming philly ;)

LouiseP: I ship it.

PJ: join the club.

dannyboy: can anybody read what the title of this chat is

crabstickzzz: we can we just dont care

PJ: the only reason no one has changed it is because of its irony.

-

JANUARY 12TH

Private chat between dannyboy and AmazingPhil

dannyboy: ahH EVAN PETERS

AmazingPhil: Dan are you sure you’re not gay

dannyboy: well i mean i have liked girls before so even if i did like guys i wouldnt be gay

AmazingPhil: Bi?

dannyboy: maybe idk

dannyboy: but anyway EVAN PETERS

-

JANUARY 16TH

~ still not gay ~

dannyboy: this chat is so quiet

AmazingPhil: For the first time in forever

dannyboy: did you literally just reference Frozen

LouiseP: What’s wrong with Frozen?!

AmazingPhil: Yeah Dan what’s wrong with Frozen

PJ: he probably thinks its gay lmao.

crabstickzzz: dans literally the epitome of no homo

dannyboy: wow what a big word you used there chris

dannyboy: do you even know what it means

dannyboy: also i’ll have you know i have proudly never said no homo

AmazingPhil: I’ve tested that ;)

PJ: WOAH WHAT DID PHIL JUST MAKE A DIRTY JOKE?

LouiseP: PHIL, I THOUGHT I RAISED YOU TO BE A GOOD CHILD.

crabstickzzz: DAN WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM

dannyboy: wouldnt you like to know

crabstickzzz: wht te h fcuk

PJ: … GAYYYYYYY.

LouiseP: I second that.

AmazingPhil: I hope that

dannyboy: that doesnt make sense

PJ: okay, straight boy, he meant ‘fil hopes you’re gay, as in attracted to boys, no “no homo”’.

dannyboy: im not an idiot

crabstickzzz: debateble

dannyboy: debatable* dumbass

-

JANUARY 30TH

~ still not gay ~

dannyboy: HAPPY BIRTHDAY PHIL MY BEST FRIEND

LouiseP: Happy birthday! Wow, January went by quickly.

dannyboy: yeah can you believe that Phil Lester created January and the world was so hyped for his birthday it sped up time

PJ: oh my god, guys, holy shit.

crabstickzzz: what

PJ: DAN DIDN’T TALK ABOUT HOW BIRTHDAYS ARE A STEP CLOSER TO DEATH. AM I ALIVE?

crabstickzzz: hoLY FUCK UR RIGHT

LouiseP: Dan, you feeling okay?

dannyboy: jeez sorry for wishing my friend a happy birthday

AmazingPhil: I thought it was sweet

crabstickzzz: yeah we get it u love each other

PJ: they’re so cute but so gross.

dannyboy: i dont like phil cmon guys

AmazingPhil: I thought we had something :( you even forgot to talk about the inevitability of death for me :((((

PJ: hey, at least he didn’t say he doesn’t like guys or reference the chat name.

-

FEBRUARY 3RD

~ still not gay ~

dannyboy: ugh people suck

AmazingPhil: What happened?

dannyboy: nothing

PJ: sure.

LouiseP: You can tell us, Dan.

crabstickzzz: as long as its not blackmail worthy bc in that case dont be so sure

LouiseP: Chris.

crabstickzzz: i was joking, ofc he can tell us

dannyboy: nvm, i said it was nothing

-

Private chat between dannyboy and AmazingPhil

AmazingPhil: Seriously what happened

dannyboy: one of my old friends from uni keeps asking me when im getting a girlfriend or making jokes about my lack of love life every time he sees me and im sick of it

AmazingPhil: You’ve complained about him before and it you never seemed too bothered

dannyboy: yeah well…

AmazingPhil: ?

dannyboy: i know it shouldnt bother me but this time when i tried to ignore all of his questions about getting a girlfriend or whatever he said “you’re gonna turn gay and be alone”

dannyboy: like i know gay isnt an insult but at the same time it bugs me? is that wrong?

AmazingPhil: I don’t think so. Maybe it was just that he said something like that in the first place

dannyboy: maybe… or like some internalised homophobia idk i feel shitty

dannyboy: im just so tired of everyone asking me when im gonna get a relationship

dannyboy: my mum has been making hints at it lately

AmazingPhil: I love your mum but everyone should back off

dannyboy: this is cheesy but you’re the best

AmazingPhil: No problem <3

dannyboy: <3

-

FEBRUARY 4TH

~ still not gay ~

dannyboy: youll all be happy to know that i almost accidentally kissed a guy today

crabstickzzz: o H YM GOD DANYUL WELCOME TO THE GAY SIDE

dannyboy: a l m o s t + a c c i d e n t a l l y

PJ: sure.

dannyboy: i thought you had stopped with the sarcastic sures

PJ: keep dreaming, howell.

crabstickzzz: shut up time for the important qs

crabstickzzz: was it fil

LouiseP: Please for the love of god let it be Phil.

AmazingPhil: Let what be me

dannyboy: they’re freaking out over the almost kiss

AmazingPhil: Oh! Sorry guys, it wasn’t me

crabstickzzz: NOOOOOOOOO

PJ: sure.

LouiseP: Liesssssssssssssss.

dannyboy: it was this cute guy who ive been friends with for a while and we were messing around and whispering in each others ears to waste time during some meeting that was probably important and i turned just as he was whispering something and our lips almost touched

dannyboy: we jumped back just in time

PJ: there was so much gay in that that I can’t even form a coherent reason as to why it was gay.

AmazingPhil: Can you believe that Dan cheated on me :(((((()(09()

crabstickzzz: CUTE GUY? WHISPERING IN EARS? HOWL U R GAY OK

PJ: good news, chris just said my reasons for me.

LouiseP: Who’s the lucky guy?

dannyboy: first of all, weve been over this. i know when someone is cute, guy or girl. second of all, we were whispering creepy stuff like “mayonnaise” to try and freak each other out and third of all, not telling because id know you guys would stalk him

AmazingPhil: I know who it is ;)

PJ: i bet it’s phil.

dannyboy: nope. i said CUTE guy

AmazingPhil: HEY!

dannyboy: kidding. but no, it wasnt phil

-

FEBRUARY 8TH

~ still not gay ~

LouiseP: Alright, for today we put a halt on the usual Dan is gay discourse.

dannyboy: thank you friend

PJ: why? did someone die?

crabstickzzz: BREAKING TRADITION IS NOT ALLWD!!!

LouiseP: Shush, let me talk about a cute guy I saw today.

LouiseP: Anyway how do I ask him out?

AmazingPhil: Wait until Valentines and anonymously get him a rose.

dannyboy: ask him out or let your feelings pile up and watch him inevitably move on because you’re too scared to make a move

PJ: talk to him on the internet until you become best friends and be gay oops i meant straight for each other.

crabstickzzz: love poems via mysterious skype calls no one gets to know the contents of

LouiseP: The last two are unrealistic. Who talks to a stranger on the internet??? Stanger danger!1!!1!

dannyboy: fil i think theyre picking on us

AmazingPhil: Fair enough

dannyboy: YOURE SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE

-

FEBRUARY 11TH

~ still not gay ~

dannyboy: i cant wait to get nothing on valentines

LouiseP: Same.

AmazingPhil: Same

PJ: same.

crabstickzzz: sam

crabstickzzz: samr*

crabstickzzz: SAME****

dannyboy: this chat is so depressing

dannyboy: also learn how to spell

crabstickzzz: np

crabstickzzz: no*

-

FEBRUARY 13TH

~ still not gay ~

dannyboy changed the chat name to ~ not gay, but bi ~

crabstickzzz: I KNEW IR

dannyboy: shush

crabstickzzz: I FCUKIGN KNEWS IT

dannyboy: you saw nothing

crabstickzzz: YOURE BI

dannyboy: i was right about not being gay though

crabstickzzz: BUT I KNEW YOU WERENT STRAIGHT

PJ: WOAH WOAH WAIT WHAT’S HAPPENIGN OH MT FGDPL.

LouiseP: PJ ISN’T USING FULL STOPS!!! HE’S BROKEN!

LouiseP: DAN, YOU’VE BROKEN ALL OF US!!!

dannyboy: I SAID I WAS 99% SURE I WAS STRAIGHT

crabstickzzz: I WAS RIGHT AND YOU WERE WRONG

dannyboy: NO YOU THOUGHT I WAS GAY

dannyboy: WE WERE ALL WRONG

PJ: S T I L L.

AmazingPhil: This is so amusing

LouiseP: WHY ISN’T PHIL JOINING OUR FREAKING OUT?!

dannyboy: … might have came out already yesterday maybe haha dont kill me

PJ: WHAT?

crabstickzzz: FUK U FIL AND DANYUL

LouiseP: AND YOU’RE ONLY TELLING US NOW??????

dannyboy: yeah well coming out to phil was the first time ive ever done it so it was a little emotionally exhausted and i shook so much that i needed to recharge

AmazingPhil: He was so nervous but I’m proud of him

PJ: yeah, same.

LouiseP: I second that!

crabstickzzz: I FUCKING NKEW TOU WERE GAY

AmazingPhil: I thought we had gotten past this bit

dannyboy: chris, read the new name. im still not gay, just extremely bi

crabstickzzz: sry but i cant believe ur finally coming out

LouiseP: If you don’t mind me asking, what made you realise you were bi?

dannyboy: it all started with this one guy in high school who was so fucking hot and i had like a teensy bit of a crush on him and omg he was so pretty and one time i saw him literally leaning against a wall with his hair messed up and i died

dannyboy: i thought it was a one-time thing and i wasnt really sure if it counted considering ive only ever been attracted to girls before that, but recently ive just come to terms with that and the other thing

crabstickzzz: WHICH IS

dannyboy: nnnnnnnothing

PJ: sure.

AmazingPhil: Ha you guys aren’t on best friend level, so of course you don’t know

crabstickzzz: r00d

dannyboy: dont worry he doesnt know either, hes just being a little shit

AmazingPhil: Love you too

LouiseP: Can you imagine how much we would’ve freaked out over Phil’s message in August?

PJ: seasons change and people do too, apparently.

-

FEBRUARY 14TH

~ not gay, but bi ~

dannyboy: [image attached] someone sent me this chocolate rose with a note saying “- Voldemort” i wonder who that could be??!?!?

PJ: yeah, can anyone think of a super pale nerd who likes Harry Potter almost as much as Dan does and knows where he lives??? I’m coming up blank!!!1!!

LouiseP: Awwww, that’s so sweet!

crabstickzzz: barf

AmazingPhil: Thanks Louise I spent 2 whole pounds on it

dannyboy: spending so much for his boyfriend ew sap stop wasting money

PJ: bOYFRIEND?

crabstickzzz: WAIT I THOUGHT U 2 WERE JUST BEING WEIRD AND PLATONIC COUPLEY LIKE U ALWAYS R AND UR TELLING ME UR DATING

AmazingPhil: It turns out that the “other thing” Dan mentioned was him liking me

dannyboy: and also staring at his lips whenever he talks to me and thinkingaboutkissingthemmaybehah

LouiseP: CONGRATS, GUYS!

PJ: this is like my OTP.

crabstickzzz: *teenage girl voice* OH MY GOD MY OTP

dannyboy: lets leave before they start being weird

AmazingPhil: They’re our friends, don’t worry so much

crabstickzzz: so like did your first kiss involve tongue or

AmazingPhil: Yeah, bye.

crabstickzzz: he didnt say no

LouiseP: cHRIS.

dannyboy: if you must know, it involved NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS

dannyboy has left the chat.

AmazingPhil has left the chat.

PJ: …there was definitely tongue.

LouiseP: Agreed.

[ahhfeels]

Daniel Howell- My spirit animal