#dazai is like ‘they will become even stronger than me and chuuya’ because he’s spending half the battle pulling chuuyas pigtails

[iwowzumi]

while i do love romantic shin soukoku i’ve become obsessed with the comedic potential of a platonic shin soukoku vs romantic soukoku where sskk are considered the stronger double black because they’re NOT soulmates, in a “dont fuck your coworkers” way. atsushi and akutagawa are just two guys who, once they come to a mutual understanding, make a damn powerful team. in contrast dazai and chuuya are weirdo freaks who are obsessed with each other to the point where yes, they’re a terrifying duo, but they’re also sneaking off to hook up on the sly and having a domestic dispute at all times. sskk “did you guys finish the group project yet” vs skk “no we got in an argument and then made out” fight

[sarcastically-serious-smiles]

Just need to let something out of my chest after the wildfire on bsdtwt so spoilers for cannibalism stage play.

All these fires left and right on bsdtwt made me had an intrusive thought and I’m too unwell and socially anxious to tweet so ima just .. yeah, rant it here like a naturally awkward person.

So, the flags’s death made Chuuya’s stay in the PM stronger and longer, while Oda’s death made Dazai leave the PM for which this death won’t tie him down in darkness. The parallels always has been there and it’s very frustrating (for me) cause Chuuya made a choice even when it’s not voiced out like Oda’s. Oda flat out said Dazai will not get better, just empty as ever, so why not spend some time doing some good stuff?

Meanwhile,Chuuya assumed the Flags wanted him to stay, to become the next executive, and *spoilers* the next boss.

Even though none of them explicitly said that.

Chuuya embraced the darkness in return for his grief, while Dazai did the exact opposite to embrace the light, traded for Oda’s somber yet gentle suggestion, which mind you, is very well written because the conversation has the flow they used to have at bar Lupin, rather than a very big and dramatic final line, and I think it’s absolutely beautiful.

And also I’ve always wondered why Detective Murase was introduced in SB, cause he clearly is important but yet in such sharp contrast to the Flags who are deeply rooted as senior mafia in PM.

Both died, making Chuuya lose any light he might have left in him.

So what would it take to light it up again in Chuuya again? What could possibly make Chuuya remove his deepest roots and leave his unshakable darkness behind.

Dazai’s death.

I’m sorry I’m crying my heart out but this is what makes the most sense to me right now. Chuuya joining ADA is one way and Sigma may play an important role but someone might have to die first.

Someone always has to die for Chuuya to leave a place.

Chuuya himself was dying when he left the Sheep.

Murase died while he tried Chuuya to leave PM.

The Flags died while Chuuya tried to leave his past.

Maybe in a way, Chuuya was probably relieved when Dazai left PM first.

But for him to leave PM?

It’s gotta take the world to die first. (Dazai)

…

I’ll just go kms I guess.

[reixtsu]

Hello there thank you for following me and if it's okay can I please ask for a jealous chuuya with a Yuutsu darling

And where he

Gets jealous when she spends time with dazai more than him and chuuya can't take it anymore especially when dazai tells chuuya that he is her favorite

She is an OC of mine you can find more information about her on my page here on Tumblr and

(You can make the smutty if you want to)

“She’s mine!” A Chuuya Nakahara x (requested)! OC

Characters: Chuuya Nakahara, Yuutsu, Osamu Dazai

Genre: Angst(?), Fluff…maybe smut in the sequel to this!

Warning(s): Double suicide mention (*ahem* Dazai pointing at you), bickering

Scenario: Chuuya has noticed that his darling Yuutsu has been out a lot, stating that she is busy with her friend. She never mentioned who this ‘friend’ was, so Chuuya started to get suspicious. Despite his failed attempts on bringing the subject up, she would never say who the said person was.

Headcannons:

The audacity.

This man is a choleric, temperamental short king who has commitment issues! Once he cares for someone, he cares! He just wants someone who will love him and stay with him! So when he sees Yuutsu with someone else…especially that bastard that everyone ‘hates’, oh.

How could that disgusting womanizer that is no longer human breath around his woman? How DARE he?!

Chuuya loves Yuutsu and gets easily jealous of her. He sees Yuutsu as his little baby girl darling.

Scenario:

Chuuya Nakahara, the handsome short Port Mafia executive; one of the most powerful members in the organization, has never felt this weird before. It felt disgusting. It was as if a bitter and slimy food had taken the form of an emotion. He didn’t know how to name the feeling, but every time Yuutsu would say that she had plans with her friend, it left him feeling weird with…negativity.

With his usual choleric and blunt personality, he would have usually put the person in question in a chokehold and demand what’s happening, but this was a romantic relationship. He couldn’t result to violence. He wasn’t about to become an abusive person to the person he loved dearly in this cruel world. Thus, he tried to bring the topic up.

He noticed that Yuutsu was gracefully putting on her Mary Jane shoes. Her pink silky bangs swiftly covered part of her face. For some reason, Chuuya's heart started to beat faster as he found her small movement so… mesmerizing.

"Oi, where're you going? Surely I can go too," Chuuya clicked his tongue, placing a hand on his hip as he looked at her expectedly.

Yuutsu turned to him with her soft pink eyes. "You can come if you'd like, however you might not like where I'm going." She replied in her sweet tone.

Chuuya scoffed. "I don't like how this is going, but I'll go with you." He paused for a moment, his irritated expression quickly turned into a blushing one. "But don't think too much of it! I'm only going because…because there might be danger! Don't want a pretty girl like you dyin' in these dirty streets."

Yuutsu chuckled, her laugh bringing shivers along his spine. It was the kind of shiver that was welcome…a sort of thrill.

"Sure thing, humanoid puss and boots," Yuutsu chuckled, refraining herself from laughing too much.

"Oi oi oi," Chuuya proceeded to look irritated, smiling a bit but was still ticked off. "I am not a cat, or short, or whatever! I'm still growing and stronger than that cat will ever be!"

Yuutsu simply smiled at him and walked out the door, Chuuya following closely behind.

The sun was high in the sky, shining a golden light over Yokohama. Chuuya squinted slightly, hoping his eyes would adjust to the light as he followed Yuutsu to this mysterious place of hers. He walked beside her, holding her hand with one pinky interlocked with hers.

The ginger looked around, familiar with where they were. He looked pretty content, enjoying being in the company of Yuutsu after a begrudgingly hard evening the previous day. It felt nice to be alive in her angelic presence. He was content, until his 'bastard radar' went off.

Chuuya cursed under his breath as he saw the Armed Detective Agency in sight. Was this the place Yuutsu was going? What business does she have with them? No…surely she can't be seeing that bastard of a mummy that smells like rotten mackerel, right? Chuuya sure hoped that wasn't the case.

As Yuutsu led them closer to the agency, the more irritated Chuuya got, though Chuuya didn't show this at all.

"Oh! Well if it isn't the most beautiful woman in the world, my beautiful Belladonna, Yuutsu!" A flirtatious flamboyant man called out from near the building. A tall young man with a tan trench coat and chestnut hair waved to the both of them, standing in front of the entrance.

Yuutsu smiled, making Chuuya horrified.

"Ah, Dazai!" Yuutsu giggled, running up towards him a little.

Chuuya couldn't walk at all for a moment as he just stood there in prue horror and disgust. How could that bastard Dazai have that courage to talk to Yuutsu like that? Yuutsu was his girl, not Dazai's, that thing that is no longer human. He couldn't even breathe when Dazai wrapped his slender arms around  Yuutsu's waist to bring her into a tight embrace. Yuutsu timidly returned the gesture, making Chuuya want to rip Dazai's musty crusty arms off his woman. It made his blood boil with such possessiveness.

"Oi you sh*tty bastard! Hands off!" Chuuya slapped Dazai's arms away and gently but swiftly brought Yuutsu closer to him, wrapping one arm protectively over her waist. He didn't mean to, but he also hissed.

Yuutsu's eyes widened, surprised with the sudden turn of events.

"Ew, it's the shorty snail that wears a hat to try to look like an ugly giant," Dazai remarked with mock disgust, making the most dramatic disgusted face at the shorter man.

"You're the ugly one here! How dare you touch Yuutsu!" Chuuya growled, glaring daggers up at Dazai. "Ugh! I'm going to kill you!"

"Being killed by you is prue dissatisfaction. I'd much rather do a double suicide with your beautiful girlfriend." Dazai retorted nonchalantly.

"Oi! Don't bring my girlfriend into your stupid shenanigans!"

"Maybe she prefers being with me. Perhaps that's why she hangs out with me more than you! She sees me everyday, mind you.~"

Chuuya paused for a moment, almost not believing Dazai's words before he whipped his head to look at Yuutsu. His face looked a little betrayed and angered.

"A-ah…s-stop fighting…" Yuutsu muttered quietly, scared at the two men fighting.

The hatrack scoffed and turned his attention back towards Dazai. "Who cares? I'm the one she sleeps next to at the end of the day! She loves me much more than your flat ass!"

Dazai dramatically gasped, placing a hand over his chest, visibly wounded. "Mind you, my ass is better than yours! Who wants a thick ass?!"

Yuutsu had to prevent herself from laughing too much.

"She likes me for my better, more superior and thicker ass!"

Dazai scoffed. "Well I may have a flat ass, but at least I have depth, complexity and character! I am much more entertaining than you will ever be!"

"I am stronger and can protect her better."

"Guys, really- let's stop bickering about this," Yuutsu muttered, hand shaking a little as she stepped forward in an attempt to stop the two men from fighting any further. It was embarrassing to be the subject of conversation.

"Mind you, I am her favorite." Dazai said sternly, looking coldly down at Chuuya. It seemed as if he was hovering over him.

Chuuya stopped functioning, anger boiling within him like a kettle. He activated his ability and really wanted to hurt Dazai. "You wanna go, huh?"

Dazai just laughed as if a toddler had challenged him to a game of chess. "You are really temperamental, aren't you. That must be why everyone leaves you in the end, because you always resort to violence."

That hit a cord in Chuuya, making him lower his arm slowly as he stared at the ground. Dazai's comment hurt deeply, as if a dagger was stapled and glued into his core. A rush of memories flooded his head as he remembered all those who betrayed him. Could it be that Yuutsu was one of those people who betrayed him now?

"Chuuya!" Yuutsu called out gently, wrapping her delicate arms around Chuuya's shoulders. "Shh, it's okay. Don't fall into those memories. I'll be here for you."

Chuuya flinched slightly at the sudden touch. He still felt really wounded, however felt a little comforted knowing that Yuutsu was at least concerned about his well being.

"I'm sorry Chuuya…I had not intended to cause such chaos between you two…I hated seeing it." Yuutsu muttered quietly, obviously uncomfortable and anxious. "I'm just friends with Dazai, nothing more. I was afraid to tell you because I thought you would kill him. I don't want Dazai to die."

Both of the men's eyes softened slightly. A rare, gentle and genuine smile slowly painted across Dazai's face.

"I see…" Chuuya coughed awkwardly, not knowing how to handle the kind of situation they were in. "It was my fault. I just can't stand this….fish."

A very comical dramatic sigh escaped Dazai's lips as he rolled his eyes in exasperation. "I'm willing to tolerate Chuuya for you when you're around. We both are. Isn't that right, now Chuuya?"

Chuuya snarled, disliking the idea of tolerating Dazai. "Fine, but only because I love Yuutsu and I don't want her to feel concerned."

Yuutsu smiled and hugged Chuuya tighter. "Thank you, my love!" Her cheery smile and angelic voice brightened up the atmosphere. "Thank you too, Dazai-san."

After the…incident is what Chuuya preferred to call it- Yuutsu and Chuuya went back to their expensive shared penthouse that they called their home. They both flipped onto the couch and sighed, tired from the day.

"Oi, doll, your mine and only mine." Chuuya grabbed Yuutsu and made her sit on his lap. He frowned, feeling a little grouchy. "That bastard Dazai is filled with disgusting germs and doesn't deserve to have an angel like you."

Yuutsu's face blushed crimson red. She chuckled, flustered at the position they were in. "I-i got that…"

——————————————————————————————————

Author’s note: I am so sorry it took me a long time! *bows* I am almost done with the drawing, which shall be shown in the sequel to this one.

I enjoyed writing this very much! It was a very interesting request!

For the smut part, that shall be in the squeal!

Also, to those who requested Milgram, thank you s much! I shall start writing your requests soon!

[lake-archive]

Chapter 41 - The Moment Of Embarrassment... It ain't that bad but...

AO3 Link

Characters: Chuuya Nakahara, Annette 'Ann' Dorste-Hülshoff (OC)

Pairing: Chuuann (Chuuya/Ann)

Words: 1,064

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Days have passed, weeks even. And before having seen it coming Chuuya was continuing his contact with Ann, things becoming more frequent, a little more than first thought. Hard to believe that it all had been chance encounters at first, both not having even shared their identities. But now? Things had taken another turn, ever since they had given away another’s names. Though it all happened so fast that it felt a little surreal. From stranger to someone he found himself talking to almost everyday. May it be a simple text or a conversation face to face. No day passed by with hearing something. And it felt… Oddly fuzzy. Even if he refused to accept it at first.

In the beginning Chuuya was able to ignore it just fine. After all, he didn’t know the girl. He could look past it. Who cares? No big deal or something like that. Not like it mattered in the long run! Though it became harder and harder to ignore. It all felt odd, so new… Becoming closer to someone like this… Having to deal with Dazai a little more often was only a small price to pay at a point. Though it was not as if Ann brought up that idiot everyday. She had her usual complaints yet it was no surprise to hear any of it. Given that Chuuya had kept up with this guy for three whole years he could honestly understand. But this wasn’t the majority of their conversations. It only came up when that bastard did something extremely stupid. 

Other than that things went… Surprisingly smoothly. Small interactions here and there yet these were fun. Taking the initiative or having her take the initiative – Being asked to spend the afternoon together or hanging out in public. Even her light teases were something Chuuya could look past. Sure, it was a little annoying in the moment yet he laughed it off shortly after. That or Ann just knew how to exploit some of his weaknesses… Or at least one… 

It showed in their text messages and today was not really an exception. When he received a notification and he opened the message right away he was met with the sight of the picture of a puppy with a message attached to it. ‘ I met this little fella today! I thought you’d love seeing him too! Isn’t he cute~? ’

And for a moment Chuuya had been staring in awe. Though due to having been in his office he tried to keep a serious face… Emphasis on trying. Because it was really hard doing so. Even Chuuya could feel his lips curling upwards, just wanting to grin like an idiot at the picture. The puppy had been looking up at the camera with the cutest face imaginable. It looked so small and squishy too… He could only imagine what it would be like to pat it, squish its cheeks – Basically how it may be like when showering it with affection! For a few moments he focused on nothing else on his mind!

Though he came back to reality shortly after, shaking his head, embarrassment overcoming him. No, focus. Just keep it short. Don’t take ages to respond yet also don’t hold this conversation for a while! Short and simple… 

‘Yeah, he is.’

And Chuuya intended to leave it at that but this woman could respond really quickly if she wanted to. Maybe he wasn’t going to complain that much though… 

‘That’s it?

Disappointing.’

She’s serious? Or… Was it to tease him again? It was hard to say via text. Actually… Now that he thought about it, texting was a little harder than talking to Ann face to face. Because Chuuya wasn’t sure how she meant things. What if he responded wrong in some way? He didn’t want to mess this up! 

‘What else do you expect me to say?’

‘I expected a stronger reaction I guess.’

‘LIke what?’

‘OMG SO CUTE! Followed up by lots of pet emojis!

Or uncontrolled keyboard mashing!

A Nakahara–San like reaction when seeing a puppy!’

Hah!? ‘What’s that supposed to mean!?’

‘You love dogs, right?’

‘I don’t dislike them.’

‘Same thing~

I expected you to go crazy over it.

A cute reaction~’

Chuuya was ready to fall over his desk at that moment yet dared not to. Though he noticed his cheeks becoming warmer in an instant. He stared at the screen for a few moments. He noticed how his hands were shaking. It took him a little bit to process this. A… Cute reaction!? Did she seriously just type that!? A cute reaction!? Cute!? How can she type shit like that!? She’s going to be the end of him someday!

‘Is that how you see me!?’

‘Sometimes. It’s not a bad thing.’

‘Don’t you dare call me cute again!’ At this point his fingers moved on their own, him unable to take it! How was he supposed to handle this!? Cute!? He didn’t even know how to react to that! 

‘Hmm… 

But what if I do?’

‘I’ll make you regret it!’

‘Haha, Nakahara–San is being scawy again~’

‘I’m being serious here!’ This was so embarrassing! Maybe texting was the better option here.. 

‘I better go hide before he finds me and drags me away~’

‘Don’t make me go over there later!’

‘Hehe, try me~’

‘You little…’

‘Should you really be the one typing that?’

‘You’re not going there!’

‘But you are a little shorter than me.’

‘ANN!’

‘Sorry, not sorry~’

‘You’re insufferable sometimes…

Whatever! I’m going back to work!’

‘Already? But I didn’t get to invite you yet.’

‘To where?’

‘A secret~’

‘Why was I even expecting a straightforward answer?’

This was just the usual conversation between the two and it went on for longer than anticipated. Or longer than Chuuya liked to admit. Although… Even if she drove him a little insane, he didn’t mind all too much. 

Although… It was also a sign for something else and… He didn’t know how to feel. After all, the more comfortable he felt the closer the two seemed to get. And… The closer they are– 

No, he couldn’t get too close. If so… He wasn’t ready for the consequences after. 

Ah, he needs to stop getting carried away in the moment! But she was making this extremely difficult for him.

He will only start liking her more and more, won’t he?

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[fraink5-writes]

Human Qualification- Chapter 26

June

So this is it, the last chapter. I can't believe it. This is my first finished multi-chapter, so I'm going to indulge in some sappiness.

First, as always, I want to thank my editors @missmizpah​ @gracieuxetoile​ and @deathly-oreos​ for working with me on this fic and helping me improve it. Special thank you to @missmizpah​ for not only beta-reading the entire thing but also listening to my complaints. Thank you so much!

Next, I'd like to thank @4nimenut​ for drawing such lovely art for chapter 9. With such fine attention to detail, it really brought the scene to life. I'll always treasure it; thank you!

I want to thank @leio13​ for supporting me and this fic from the beginning (even advertising it). I wouldn't have made it this far without you; thank you!!

Finally, I want to thank all my wonderful readers! It really was a pleasure to share this with all of you, and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did! I hope I can exceed your expectations in the future. Thank you so much!!

A note about the chapter: Japanese funerals are rather different than western funerals. I’ve included at the end a number of sources which might be of use to you.

Summary: To slowly lose all your functions until you are nothing but a trapped mind in a deteriorated shell, that’s what it means to be ‘No Longer Human.’

This chapter can also be found on Ao3 here. Without further ado, please enjoy!

It was over. For a long time, Chuuya had lived alone. He was alone again, but this loneliness was a stranger, colder, quieter, and sadder. It haunted him like a ghost. But he was alone; there were no footsteps besides his own; no other voices, no other breathing.

Dazai lay in the other room where he wouldn’t stir. No more choking, no more clothes changing, no more moaning. He was still. On the table beside him, there was a mess of flowers, a candle and suffocating incense.

With quivering hands, Chuuya took out his knife and placed it gently on Dazai’s chest. It was dirty with Chuuya’s crimes, but it could protect Dazai, if he needed such protection anymore. It was all Chuuya could do. He had been powerless before, when it might have mattered.

There was a knock on the door, which Chuuya trudged to answer. The pink-haired woman at the door was cloaked in a midnight kimono. “May I come in?”

Chuuya nodded, leading Kouyou into his apartment.

“I heard the news. I’m sorry. How are you doing? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Chuuya was alive, at the least.

“Don’t forget to take care of yourself. I brought food—and alcohol~!”

“Thanks.”

Honestly, Chuuya hadn’t thought at all about eating (or doing anything) before Kouyou arrived with food. Then suddenly he realized he was extremely hungry. He stacked the food on his plate and filled two glasses with wine, handing one to Kouyou. He shoveled the food into his mouth between gulps of wine.

The food disappeared, but he still felt empty. He decided to fill it with more wine. Its warmth comforted him, easing the ache within him. He was happy. For the first time in months, he was happy.

Until the illusion crashed, and his emotions churned along with the contents of his stomach. He had to get to the bathroom, but he couldn’t walk. Even now he was powerless, held down by the weight of his own incompetence and guilt.

“Chuuya,” Kouyou sighed. “You really need to take better care of yourself.”

What was the point?

Kouyou lifted Chuuya into the bathroom. She held his hair back and gently patted his back as he leaned over the toilet bowl, letting out a mixture of emotions and vomit.

Soon he was empty again; no more vomit, no more tears, no more feelings. He just wanted to sleep.

Chuuya stood at the entrance of the building, his whole body shaking with excessive energy—or rather energy which had been diverted from his will to do anything into his trembling. Guests were beginning to creep up to the entrance: people who Chuuya had worked with in his career, who he hadn’t seen in months, whose arrival meant that this was official. Chuuya couldn’t escape.

One of the first guests to greet Chuuya was Akutagawa; serious-faced and dressed in black, he didn’t appear all that different than usual. If he was hit hard by what happened, he didn’t show it. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Thank you.”

“I must become even stronger for Dazai-san,” Akutagawa muttered. “So one day he will acknowledge my strength.”

“I’m sure that will please him.”

Akutagawa turned to go to the registry with a slight bow.

“Umm, Akutagawa?” Chuuya called softly after him. “Dazai probably never told you, but he thought of you as a good trainee.”

A rare smile, barely noticeable, flickered on Akutagawa’s face as he walked away.

After Akutagawa, guest after guest filtered in, each stopping to offer Chuuya their condolences. ‘Sorry,’ ‘sorry,’ ‘sorry’... Each compounded the immensity of their loss. Dazai would have hated it.

The wake began with a Buddhist sutra. It rang hollowly through the hall. The words, which never meant anything to a non-believer, slurred together into a mournful tune. The entire ceremony was a systematic act, and Chuuya was the leader. He approached the table before him, bowed, and lit the incense. Behind him, the guests mimicked his actions at another altar.

In front of him, Dazai lay in his casket under the elaborate display of flowers. But it was hard to believe he was there at all; the only indicator was his portrait on display. Just a few months ago, he had been alive and moving. Even in the hospital, he had been alive, even if he was reliant on life support.

Now he was dead. When Chuuya saw Dazai last, he looked just as he had when he was alive—barely so, but alive nonetheless. When he was alive, Dazai looked like death, so much so that his death didn’t feel real. The end of his life had been so painful, so incapacitating, that death was only a tiny change; it was just an extension. Maybe that should have made things easier to accept, but they weren’t. Chuuya had expected the day to come for so long that when it finally came, he was unprepared.

So, he sat by the altar completely numb.

After the wake, most of the guests took their leave, so only a handful of guests remained for the vigil: Mori, Dazai’s two friends, Oda and Sakaguchi, and Chuuya himself. Chuuya hoped to spend the night alone with the alcohol, but that prospect was quickly crushed.

“Chuuya-kun.”

“Boss.”

“I hope you’ve been taking care of yourself.” Mori took on the friendly persona of a doctor.

“I’m fine,” Chuuya spoke curtly, hoping Mori would bother someone else.

“Good!” Mori grinned (such a grin which shook Chuuya to his spine) before returning to a serious face. “It’s quite a shame what happened. Dazai was still so young; he had so much potential.” The words seemed on the surface to be mournful, but they were the lamentations of a shrewd businessman. Dazai was a lost pawn in his game. To say Mori raised Dazai was only superficially true. He shaped Dazai into a scheming genius, but he had also deprived him of so many things: affection, empathy, happiness. Chuuya resented Mori. What right did he have to show up too late and pretend to care?

“Oh, by the way, Chuuya-kun, will you be resuming work sometime soon?”

It was impossible to think about such things now.

“When you return, the executive spot is waiting for you.”

Bastard! Chuuya squeezed his fists, ready to swing at Mori’s face.

“Don’t worry,” Mori chuckled nervously. “It’s not Dazai’s former spot; that’s still empty. I did some rearranging.”

Was that the truth? Either way, Chuuya was heating up with indignation at the callous offer. The prospect of working for the greasy doctor was repulsive. But he couldn’t leave the Mafia, Kouyou, his colleagues, his subordinates. “I’ll think about it.” He gulped down a cup of sake and walked away.

Oda and Sakaguchi sat to themselves, seemingly in a deep conversation. The taller one, Oda, had tears rolling down his face. He really was unfit for the Mafia; his feelings were genuine and his lifestyle honest. Chuuya could see why he had caught Dazai’s attention.

The other, Sakaguchi, was much more reserved. Aside from the frown (which looked to be a permanent feature), he was composed as he comforted his friend. In the mafia, he was considered a responsible type, something Dazai must have believed.

The two of them had been friends with Dazai before Chuuya. They must have known so much more and experienced so much more with him; Chuuya felt unworthy standing next to them.

If Chuuya had reached out to Dazai sooner, if he had stopped instigating petty fights earlier, would he still wish that they had more time? It was only natural to regret such a young death, yet Chuuya was certain he could have done more. He had watched helplessly as Dazai died; it was unbearable to think he hadn’t done enough but completely hopeless to concede there was nothing which could’ve been done. In the mafia, Chuuya was taught it was meaningless to brood over past things, but to stop was almost to forget. He clung desperately to their shared suffering because the memory was all they had left. Through his remembrance and guilt, maybe he could atone for his powerlessness.

It was the last night Chuuya and Dazai would spend in the same room together, yet Chuuya felt completely alone.

The funeral hall was emptier and quieter than the previous day, filled largely by the sutras of the monk. The song droned slowly as though the melody was weighed down by death. Chuuya was the first to approach the altar with heavy, unstable steps, carrying the burden of his regrets. Alone, he felt exposed by the eyes of the people behind him and Dazai in front of him. Kneeling before the altar, he sprinkled an offering of incense three times; the smoke irritated his swollen eyes. Then, he bowed deeply in respect to the portrait of Dazai, which Chuuya knew very well; he had taken the photo in February when Dazai was emaciated but not skeletal, when he could still move his left arm (in which he held a box of chocolates), when he could smile. That smile, despite being the product of a whack on the head, was so full of life; it was normally easy to overlook the rest. Except then, the photo stared down at Chuuya as a cruel reminder of what he’d lost.

This was Chuuya’s last chance to offer prayers, but all his thoughts collided frantically, unable to create a coherent idea. Regret, pity and guilt fought against love and well-wishes. Dazai would have hated the former, but they crushed Chuuya as he knelt; he couldn’t fight them. In the end, he had nothing to offer besides the incense and the occasional tear which overflowed from his eyes.

Chuuya had watched Dazai’s body deteriorate over months, yet it completely disappeared in less than two hours. All that remained were a pile of ash and bones. Even as his hair, fat, and muscles fell away, he had always been undeniably Dazai with captivating brown eyes and a wry grin which he so sparingly showed. The pile in front of Chuuya had no signs of Dazai and very little humanity. They were death, cold and unfeeling. They were the death Dazai had always wanted.

About Japanese funerals:

https://www.japanvisitor.com/japanese-culture/japanese-funerals

http://traditionscustoms.com/death-rites/japanese-funeral

http://thefuneralsource.org/trad140205.html

https://savvytokyo.com/the-complicated-rituals-of-japanese-funerals/

http://www.realestate-tokyo.com/news/japanese-funerals/

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