#dean managing to be soft after all his hardship got to me.

[pussypopstiel]

The thing about dean and cas is yea there’s the whole pride and prejudice tenses hand after touching energy but there’s also the casual intimacy of someone you’ve known for a decade. They literally dig around in each other’s pockets, pull and push each other around to guide each other, even when they were first getting to know each other dean adjusted cas’s tie and collar. They’re far more casually intimate than ppl realize and DEAN in general is far more affectionate and willing to touch than what people give him credit for (including myself but I like to make my little jokey jokes on the internet) he is a tactile and effortlessly affectionate guy and that was one of his downfalls with his dads version of masculinity, one of the things he could just never live up to on a list of things he could never be.

[msmarvelouswinchester]

Never Gonna Lose You

Summary - Even with Chuck's danger hanging over the heads of the Winchesters and the Reader, preparations for Dean and Reader's wedding start in the bunker

Pairing - Dean x reader, Sam x reader (platonic)

Warning - Fluff, just pure tooth rotting fluff (yeah ik it's highly unlike me) and maybe a bit of swearing

Word Count - 1.5k

A/N - This is the sequel to Don't Wanna Lose You as requested by @miss-nerd95 (I finally wrote it)

This is the first time I have attempted to write a fic with a wedding ceremony in it so I hope it turns out okay. (Also if there is any rule wrong in the wedding ceremony, please let me know because I wrote the rules of the ceremony after I saw it on the internet and from movies).

Spn divider by the amazingly talented @talesmaniac89 (if you can, check out her blog. She is so good)

"Hey! I came back to the bunker to find it empty. Where were you both?"

You were trying your best to stop the large smile that was threatening to spread on your face.

"We were uh..out", you gave Sam an innocent smile.

"Oh no. No I don't want to hear about my brother's sex life", Sam scrunched up his face in pure disgust.

"Get your mind out of the gutter Sammy because we have some news", Dean said with a stupid grin on his face.

"Please don't tell me Y/N's pregnant because I can't handle a mini Dean right now in the bunker", Sam said.

"What no! I am not pregnant-"

"We're getting married!" Dean declared proudly.

"What? That's great! Congratulations you guys", Sam literally ran towards you both and pulled you and his brother into a bone crushing hug.

"That's enough Sam", Dean groaned.

Sam let go of you both, "So when's the wedding? Where's the ring? Show me the ring".

"When did you become so girly Sammy?" Dean teased Sam which resulted in him getting a glare from the younger hunter.

"I'm just very excited for you both. Welcome to the Winchester family, Y/N. I am very happy for you Dean but Y/N not really, you could have done a lot better", Sam smirked.

"Ow", Sam yelped when his brother smacked his head.

"So when's the wedding? Did you tell Cas and Jack? Where will be the wedding?" Sam started to fire different questions at you.

"Hold your damn horses, Sammy. I don't know when's the-"

"We are getting married next week," Dean said, cutting you off mid-sentence which made your eyes go wide.

"Next week?" You exclaimed, "Dean are you crazy? We can't get married next week! There is so much to do! It's a goddamn wedding! Decorations, dress, catering - are you out of your mind, Dean Winchester?"

"We'll manage, sweetheart. It will be fine," Dean tried to assure when he saw you had already started panicking.

And damn did he make sure it was fine. The week went by a blink of an eye. With every passing day you were growing more anxious even though Dean did his best to make this the perfect wedding.

Growing up as a hunter, you never thought marriage was in your cards. You always thought that you would be long dead even before you meet the man of your dreams but it all changed when you met Dean.

Your meeting with Dean was out of pure luck. Your car had crashed into his when you were on a run from a monster. They immediately found out that you were hunting the same nest of vampire that they were. They were quite taken aback when you told them that you were a solo hunter.

Although as much as Dean was furious at first because you damaged his beloved Baby, you and him slowly became good friends. So when Sam invited you to live with them, you agreed without any second thoughts. Sam was like the younger brother you never had but Dean was another story. After several months of dancing around the fact that you both had feelings for each other and also because of Sam’s annoyance, Dean decided to ask you out.

Now, today as you looked at your reflection in the mirror, tears started to well up in your eyes. You never thought you would be able to see yourself like this - wearing a beautiful white gown as your would-be husband takes a stand at the altar, waiting for you to walk down the aisle.

“All done, sweetie,” Jody said as she put the final touches to your makeup and hair, “you look beautiful.”

You took a final look at yourself in the mirror. Your eyes travelled south, eventually finding the beautiful engagement ring on your hand. Dean had given it to you on the same night he had asked you to marry him. The ring was perfectly kept in the pocket of one of his coats - he wanted to ask you for a long time but he always would chicken out at the last minute until that night. After he had put the ring on your finger, Dean had pulled you close, whispering “I love you” into your ear a thousand times. That night had ended with you and him in bed, entangled up with each other, panting and mumbling ‘I love you’s into each other's ears.

You smiled when you remembered the soft memory from that night.

“Jody, just don't let me fall while I walk down the aisle,” you said, standing up. Claire and Alex helped with the gown.

“Oh honey, I won't let you fall but if I do Dean will be there to catch you. That boy will always catch you before you hit the ground,” Jody said.

Jody Mills, you met her after you became a permanent resident of the bunker. She was a good friend of the Winchesters but she was more like a mother to you than a friend. She was there whenever you needed to talk. She supported you always so when Dean asked you about who will walk you down the aisle, you went straight to Jody’s house and asked her the question. She was surprised but eventually agreed, with tears in her eyes.

“We're ready,” Donna poked her head into the room and said.

Alex and Claire walked out of the room before you.

You linked your right arm with Jody’s, taking a deep breath, you tried to calm down your racing heart.

“Let's do this.”

You walked out of your dressing room and started to walk towards the garage where the wedding crremony was being held.

When you reached the garage you saw a carpet was spread out for you, with flowers sprinkled over it. You looked up and saw Claire and Alex standing on the side, Jack standing there with your wedding bands. The few guests you had invited - Bobby, Charlie, Rowena, Donna sitting at the front. You saw Sam standing beside Dean, he had a black tux on. He was looking right at you with a small smile on his face. Just beside him, stood Dean, a soft smile playing on his lips.

You started to tear up when you saw him. This was all you ever wanted - to spend the rest of your life with the man you love, your soulmate.

You walked towards Dean, Jody letting go of your arm. He extended his hand at you. You took his hand and stood beside him. You looked up at Dean, your eyes locking with his jade ones. His eyes were moist and you were yourself trying not to cry.

“You look beautiful,” he said softly, a shy smile playing on your lips.

“Should we begin?” Cas asked. You had asked Cas to officiate your wedding because who would be better other than an angel?

You and Dean nodded.

Cas began the ceremony but you weren't paying attention to what he was saying. You were too mesmerised in Dean's eyes. You mind wandered off to all the times you had spent with Dean, hunting with each other or just spending a lazy day in bed with him.

You were broken from your thoughts when Cas asked if you wanted to say your own vows. You both nodded and Dean started to speak.

“Y/N, five years ago, when your car crashed into mine I didn't know then that I would be standing at here with you today. I love your coffee obsessed, nerdy self who is also a badass hunter who doesn't take any bullshit from others. Being with you brings the best out of me. I promise that I won't let anything happen to you ever even if I have to walk through fire to keep you safe. I promise I will never take you, us for granted. I promise to love you as you love me, through all hardship, darkness, and pain to reach for our joys, our hopes, and always with honesty and faith and lastly I promise to never make fun about how much you love the Harry Potter books.”

You wiped the tears that were now rolling down your cheek. “Y/N.” You heard Cas say your name and you started to speak.

“Dean, today when I woke up I had to catch my breath to believe this is real, that I am really marrying my true love, my heart's desire, my soulmate. I couldn't make myself believe that it was all real and not one of Chuck's plans, but after seeing you standing here, waiting for me, all my doubts flew out of the window. I promise to always love and cherish this relationship even when you are annoying me. I promise to always protect you and keep both of us from harm's way. I promise to always love and support you. I promise to always leave the last slice of my pizza for you and lastly I promise to not roll my eyes everytime you say a stupid movie reference.”

Tears were now flowing freely down your cheek. You didn't even bother to wipe them. You looked at Dean and saw him sniffling. His green eyes clouded with emotions. He mouthed “I love you”.

“It's time to bring in the rings,” Cas announced and

Jack walked in with the rings, “Y/N and Dean will now exchange rings to symbolize their commitment. Dean now you may take Y/N’s hand in yours and repeat these words after me.”

Dean repeated the words after Cas with a grin on his face, and took the ring from Jack, putting it on your finger.

“Y/N, please take Dean's hand and repeat these words.”

You repeated the words after Cas, with a smile playing on your lips. You smile got bigger when you took the ring from Jack and put it on Dean's. You and Dean said your I do's, your heart heavy with emotions.

“I now pronounce you husband and wife. Dean you may kiss your bride now,” Cas said and for the first you noticed, he had a big smile on his face too.

Dean pulled you into a kiss, the first kiss as husband and wife. You immediately melted into the kiss. Cheers erupted throughout the garage but you didn't pay any attention to them. You were finally married to Dean, the love of your life and that was what mattered the most. Dean finally let go of you and looked at you with a stupid grin on his face.

“Hey Mr. Winchester,” you whispered.

“Hey Mrs. Winchester,” Dean said.

“We are married.”

“We are married, sweetheart,” Dean sighed.

“Now let's go save the world,” you smiled.

“Let's go save the world, together.”

Forever taglist - @donnaintx @devil-in-my-boots @amandamdiehl @miss-nerd95 @foxyjwls007

Dean/Jensen Taglist - @akshi8278 @mrsjenniferwinchester @jensengirl83 @defenderrosetyler

[protectteamfreewill]

Code Red

Pairing: Dean x reader

Warnings: mention of periods.. if you’re grossed out by that you better not read this lol. Also fluff

Word count: 2.5k

A/N: just wanted to take a quick second to welcome all my new followers and thank you guys for all the love I got on my recent oneshot. It seriously means the world to me <3

Also it was that time of the month a couple days back (this took a little longer to write since somehow it’s harder for me to write fluff, apologies about that, but we’ll deal with it) and this came out of it. Hope you guys enjoy

*I do not own any Supernatural characters and/or gifs I may use*

As you sit down on the toilet first thing in the morning, before starting up your usual routine to get ready for work, suddenly your behaviour from the past few days makes sense to you. You’d been craving chocolate more than you normally were and you’d been a bit too emotional for your liking. Worrying about things that were long overdue, your anxiety heightened up to the point you almost had a panic attack, and those weren’t the only examples.

Now naturally you worried about things, you were one to stress about things and feel anxious a lot, but it was only once every month these feelings reached their peak. And unfortunately that peak had started today. Easier said; you got your period.

You sigh, annoyed that it had to be today of all days, although when was it ever convenient, before doing your thing and getting up, washing your hands afterwards.

Both the Winchesters are still sound asleep as you make your way to the kitchen to eat breakfast and pack your bag. The desire to go straight back to your room and crawl back into bed with Dean, have him unconsciously wrap his arm loosely around your waist and pull your body closer to his, almost too strong to fight.

But eventually you make it through your routine, having brushed your teeth, combed your hair, put on your clothes, et cetera, and you head over to the place you work at. Mentally preparing yourself for the workload you’re going to have to deal with and the cramps that are undoubtedly going to show up soon.

A couple of hours later and you decide that you actually made it through the day relatively well. I mean you bled through your pad twice, but aside from that.. relatively good. You’re still relieved when you glance at the digital clock and see your shift has ended, ready to go home and change.

As quick as you can, without making it look like you’re too desperate to go home, you grab your stuff and say goodbye to your colleagues, saying you’ll see them tomorrow, and then you’re on your way. As you sit in your car, making the 20 minute drive back to the Bunker, you already feel the muscles in your shoulders relax. You briefly examine your nails, two of them having been ruined due to the work you had to do today, and you roll your eyes while an annoyed sigh leaves your lips. Add that to the list of things that suck today.

At least you manage to park your car in the Bunker’s garage without any further complications. You hop out with even less grace than usual, your cramps for the first time today really bothering you, and close the car door behind you. When entering the Bunker, you’re met with a delicious smell that makes its way up your nostrils and you frown. It’s not like you don’t enjoy the smell, but today was supposed to be your day to cook. A while ago Sam had insisted on making up a weekly schedule, the three of you taking turns at cooking, simply because up ‘till then Dean had made dinner almost every day and there rarely was a day you didn’t have burgers. It’s not like you were complaining about that but Sam, being the health freak that he is, insisted on eating salad and other ‘healthy food’ as well. The only way he’d get that done, is to cook it himself. That’s why you took up Tuesdays and Thursdays to make dinner, while Dean took Mondays and Fridays with Sam taking the remaining days. The three of you decided on ordering take-out at least once a week just for the sake of all cooking the same amount of days, that being when you were actually staying at the Bunker. As soon as the three of you were out on a hunt you’d spent your evening and the majority of the night at the café, if you weren’t out ganking monsters.

That’s why it’s not supposed to smell like delicious, home-made food right now. It’s supposed to smell like gun powder and old books. It’s supposed to smell just as it always does. Suspiciously, wanting to investigate the situation further, you follow your nose and make your way to the kitchen were you find Dean, oven gloves on just as he pulls the hotplate out of the oven.

“Hey,” you say, announcing your presence, as you lean against the doorframe with your arms crossed in front of your chest. A fond smile on your lips as you see the man you love handling his way around the kitchen so effortlessly. “Watcha doin’?” you ask.

“Hi,” he affectionately replies after putting down the plate, revealing a perfectly shaped and baked home-made pizza with all your favourite toppings. “Just making us dinner,” he shrugs, taking off the gloves and making his way over to where you’re standing to press a soft kiss against your lips.

“But it’s my day to cook,” you say, wrapping your arms around his neck as he pulls away and you look up at him, once again unable to repress a smile from gracing your lips.

“I know,” Dean answers. “I just felt like making pizza, thought you deserved it after working all day. Speaking of, how was work?” he asks just like he does every day, never growing tired of hearing you talk about it. Whether it was just you complaining about whatever it was your boss made you do, telling him about the things that went well or the hardships you faced, or just sharing something that happened to or with colleagues. He knew you loved your work. And he loved hearing you talk about the things you loved. He loved the smile and the twinkle in your eyes that would always break through and light up your entire face.

“It was okay,” you assure. “Just fixing up some loose ends for the boss, you know how it goes over there, glad I’m home now though,” you state, not wanting to go into too much details about how your day was.

Dean smiles. “Sounds okay.. How ‘bout this,” he continues. “You get out of those work clothes and change into something more comfortable and I’ll grab us some drinks and call Sam so we can eat?”

You simply nod, pushing yourself up on your toes to press another quick kiss against his lips before letting go and walking towards your bedroom to change into your favourite pair of sweatpants and a hoodie you’d stolen from Dean ages ago. You don’t bother fixing your hair or taking off your make up, telling yourself you’ll do that later tonight. Though in all honesty, knowing yourself, you probably won’t.

When returning you find Sam and Dean already waiting for you, gathered around the table with a couple of slices of pizza and a drink, the same thing waiting for you in front of your chair.  You sit down, mumbling a ‘bon appetite’ before diving in, enjoying the perfect flavour of Dean’s cooking skills.

Later that night you’re snuggled up with Dean in your bed. He’s resting his head against the headboard while you have your head positioned against his chest. His arm is wrapped around your shoulder, while yours is wrapped around his waist. Dean has his laptop resting on his legs, the device playing a movie you let him pick. You’re not entirely sure which movie it is you’re watching, aside from the fact that it’s no horror movie. Despite the fact that it’s Dean’s favourite genre of movies, and the fact that half of the time your life literally is a horror movie, you’re not that big of a fan. You’re pretty sure it’s A Few Good Man though, since you’ve seen Tom Cruise pop up on the screen a couple of times. The dude has been in probably a million of movies so that doesn’t say all too much but it does narrow the window down a little, so your pretty sure of yourself on this one.

As comfortable as you are just laying there, Dean’s fingertips rubbing soft circles on your arm while you listen to the sound of his heart rhythmically beating against his chest, you have to go to the bathroom and do your business. You gave up on following the movie anyways. That’s why you push yourself off of the bed, immediately missing the warmth Dean provided you with, as you mutter “I’ll be right back.”

A few moments later and you’ve made it to the bathroom without any incidents. As you shut the door behind your back you instantly notice the new box with pads you always use. That box hadn’t been there this morning. It was the reason you’d planned to go on a supply run tomorrow, after making sure you had enough to make it through today of course. But seeing that there was now a new box that wouldn’t be necessary anymore. Partially you were glad about that. At least you were good for the next couple of days and you wouldn’t have to go to the store in your work clothes. At the same time you are also a little disappointed. Having to buy pads had also given you an excuse to walk by the sweet shop section and buy yourself a bunch of your favourite chocolate and candy. Now you didn’t really have that excuse anymore.

But this meant Dean had to have bought it for you when he went out to buy everything he needed for his pizza today.

“Dean?” you ask after entering the bedroom again.

“Hmm?” he responds without tearing his gaze off of the screen, too invested in what’s going on on there. You can make out a lot of grunts and the sound of people getting either hit or shot so he’s probably in the middle of a fight scene.

“Did you buy pads for me today? Because I swear this morning I was running out so I made a mental note to go buy some tomorrow,” you ramble, Dean looking up, having paused the movie, at the mention of your period.

“I-uh, yeah,” he replies, scratching the back of his neck. You and Dean had been dating for a couple of months now, but your period hadn’t really come up until now. It’s not like it was really necessary or like you felt like giving him all the details. Partly because you weren’t sure where Dean stood on the subject. Guys could be horribly, and, mind you, unnecessarily, grossed out by the monthly occurrence and you didn’t want him to feel awkward. Of course as a loving boyfriend he’d warmed up your heating pad for you when your stomach or back was aching or got you some medicine a couple of times before, but that was really as far as it went. “I noticed we had a Code Red this morning and that you were running out so since I was going to the store anyways I figured I could just.. get you some. I made sure I bought the right ones, I even asked an employee,” he explains, only mildly nervous. “Hope that’s okay.”

You know you should be grateful and awestruck at the fact that your boyfriend noticed all this and went out of his way to get you what you needed, and even without you having to ask for it, but you can’t help but chuckle as his term for you period sinks in. Over the years you’d given it several names, you’d heard different women calling it different ways. But ‘Code Red’ definitely was a new one.

The dumbstruck expression that overtakes his face instantly makes you feel guilty about that though. “It’s okay. It’s more than okay,” you say as you sit down on the bed, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “So.. you’re not grossed out by this or anything? I-I don’t want you to feel like you have to do things you don’t want to do,” you ask, making sure to monitor his face and his expressions just so you can make sure he isn’t lying. He was a damn good liar but over the past couple of months you’d picked up on a few little quirks, or rather ‘defects’ as he called them. It’s not like you didn’t trust him, sometimes he just tended to.. bend the truth a little bit, all on your behalf of course. And right now you just needed to know what he was really thinking.

“No,” he firmly says, his tone and expression deadly serious as he looks at you. “There’s nothing to be grossed out about. There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s merely a monthly occurrence of the female body. Yeah you might get a little bit moody or emotional, your back might hurt or your stomach or your head. But that’s what I’m here for. I got you, and I got you every day of the month,” he states as he reaches for your hand, giving it a soft squeeze. You’d watched his face as he answered your question and you were sure he hadn’t lied for one second. Being completely genuine and meaning everything he had just told you. And as you make that realization your entire body goes warm inside, the love you feel for him right at that instant warming you up entirely. And you feel incredibly lucky to have him as your boyfriend.

You wrap your arms around his neck, pulling him in for a hug, and you can’t help yourself but having to blink away a few tears. Blame that on your period. “Thank you,” you whisper, nuzzling your nose against his neck before pressing a chaste kiss to his lips.

“I also got you this,” Dean says, pulling away from you carefully as he reaches for something besides the bed. You hear the rustling of the plastic bag he pulls up before he hands it to you. Inside you notice all your favourite kinds of chocolate and candy and a couple of cans of your favourite drink. “There’s also a tub of ice cream in the freezer,” he adds.

“Dean..” you say thickly, tears once again welling up in your eyes as you breathe out another thank you. “I love you,” you tell him, giving him another hug.

“’Course sweetheart,” he smiles. “No problem, I got you, remember? Is there anything else I can do? Do you have pain anywhere?” he asks, looking you over probably to check if you’re clutching your stomach or back, looking for any sign that you’re in pain. As he looks up again, not having found any, he sees you shaking your head and he relaxes glad that at least for now you’re feeling okay.

“Just wanna lay down with you,” you acknowledge, to which Dean immediately sits back against the headboard again and opens up his arms for you to crawl into. He wraps both his arms around you as you lean down against his chest, getting comfortable, and presses a soft kiss against your temple.

You sit just like that for a while, neither of you starting the movie again. Instead the two of you just enjoy the comfortable silence and the feeling of your bodies touching, fitting perfectly together.

“So Code Red, hm?” you speak up after a while, again unable to hold back a chuckle. “Is that what we’re calling it from now on?”

This time Dean can’t help himself but chuckle too. “’Got a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah,” you laugh. “Code Red it is then.”

~ ~ ~

Taglist: @leahslovelylibrary

[followedbyraven]

About 15 years ago, from the very first episode, I got hooked up on a new tv show, “Supernatural”. It was amasing! 

It was a kind of magic that: - grips you and doesn’t let go; - follows you and stays on your mind for hours; - walks side by side through the years, sometimes becoming your shadow, sometimes wandering so far away that what is left is only a glimpse on the horizon of life.

After being for many years a part of Buffy the Vampire Slayer fandom and finding some kind of uneasy closure when Angel: the Series concluded I thought I swore the fandom life for good. I was young and somewhat naive, and didn’t understand the simple truth: once you step into this river - you will keep coming for more. 

Initially following the road that the Winchester brothers took in the first three seasons I was what is called a general audience. Ok, a bit more, cause I’ve long ago lost count how many times I watched each and every episode of seasons 1-3 during just that period. 

It was indeed MAGIC! Then came hellatus between 3rd and 4th seasons and I have to be honest, my interest in SPN was by that time slowly slipping away. I was incredibly busy at work, living life on the road, barely at home, working sometimes 14-16 hours a day, and loving every single moment of that. It was hard but I treasure memories of those times, despite terribly missing my husband, and comfort of home, and loved ones. Also it was almost impossible to keep up with SPN airing schedule. Not to mention that it was already some kind of miracle that I was almost religiously following SPN for three years. I do follow other TV shows but don’t get so attached.  I love parings, OTPs, to write and read fanfiction, to admire the talent of fanart creators and ingeniousness of meta-writers... but it takes two to tango, in other words - I need an OTP to properly function in the fandom. I wasn’t into any of the brothers and was a strictly het!shipper; I used to write slash for friends as a gift or commission but wasn’t really interested in it. Plus I’m One Fandom at a time, one OTP at a time kind of shipper, I don’t multitask when it comes to fandom life.  So yeah, for SPN I was a general audience for 3 years until an ruffled angel broke through the barn doors, got knifed in the heart as some kinky way of thanks for the save from Hell, flashed Dean some shadow wings and... It was amazing and it was awesome, and it was magic. Again. Just like that day I’ve watched SPN 1x01 for the very first time. 

Jack is a baby of the family. I wasn’t sure about this character and was afraid that I wouldn’t like him. So much suspense was build around his first appearance, so much negativity. But I was worried for nothing. He is a sweetheart and a darling, great addition to the story and to the show, he can be soft, naive and uncertain, but also fierce and protective of people he sees as part of a family. I was a complete “feels, feels, so many feels” from the first episode he appeared in. I still have half of season 14 and the rest of season 15 to catch up, but so far I like what I see.  Sam. I like Sam a lot and he means a lot to me and to a relationship I have with my brother. I may not often mention him but I treasure this character and admire him. I look at him for understanding, when me and my little brother, who is a head taller than me by now, can’t find a common ground. Sam taught me when I need to take a step back from heated discussion, evaluate my bro’s side of the argument once more, just simply understand and admit the very fact that some things I will never get, not really, not fully, but if this is his, my little brother’s, thing, I have to respect that and give him a much needed space. In the end it is his business, and his life, and it is he who has to live it and to have a control over it. Dean. I can’t get enough of Dean and I respect him. I’m not attracted to him, never was, just not my type, i guess, but to me he is that dear friend that gets it. Just simply GETS IT! He is an older brother just like I’m an older sister. And through the years, through the moments when I’m again and again completely baffled by my bro’s attics and can’t come with an appropriate response, one thought always comes to my mind:  What would Dean do? So yeah, 15 years of “what would Dean do” and that character feels like one of my best friends and supporters. He gets it - the straggle between the instinct to protect and the need to let go, make own way, through mistakes and hardships. Ready to offer support but not choking my babybro with it.

Cas. I adore Castiel, simply adore him. He is my favourite after all. But what is more important, I get inspiration and that extra infusion of strength from this character. I got a gift of better understanding my brother from Sam, and a possible course of action, a kind of battle plan, from Dean, but Castiel helps me to be myself, to enjoy life even when all I want is to crumble and weep. From him I got: If he could do it, so can I.  This is something unique, what I couldn’t receive from another human being, real or imagined, because I also often feel like an alien being. I don’t have a mental illness but I did experience a trauma when I was but a small child. And this kind of guano never fully goes away, never truly leaves mind. I lack a deeper understanding of a lot of simple things that many people take for granted, there are days when it feels like I don’t have a strength in me to step over the threshold into the street (but I still do it every day), and I still often stumble through the words to make a simple purchase at the supermarket (even after 10 years of going to the same store), and I feel disconnected from the world at large. I’m uncomfortable in the crowd and I’m that awkward weirdo at the party sitting al alone in the corner. 

Don’t get me wrong, I live a normal and fulfilling live, you may meet me on the street, in the crowd, shopping, smiling and chatting with friends (smile on my lips and easy going attitude), driving car, stepping on the train, I may even live next to you or in the same city. And you’ll never guess that despite the fact that smile on my lips is real (I am happy to be in this world, be a part of it), there is pain in my shoulders because I can’t relax them, and I feel lightheaded, and the world is slightly spinning and blurry from an effort to simply do what comes so natural to a lot of others - just walk on the street, just live my life, just be in this world. 

Many years ago I gave myself a promise: to get up everyday with a smile. No matter what, I always start my day with a smile. It’s a first thing I do when I open my eyes. Over the time it became a second nature. That little extra drop of good mood before morning tea comes automatically through no effort at all. During the day that small infusion of happiness may grow into a true joy or it may slowly fade away. And it’s that second scenario when I remember that if an alien being could do it - find inner strength to go on through high and low, to navigate the strange world of human beings... Well, I am human and simply because of my own nature, from the get go, I already have it much easier than him, this fictional character which slowly managed to mean so much to me.

Overshare much? Maybe. Actually, for sure.  My apologies to all who is not comfortable with such kind of openness.  I don’t feel that it is a right time and I am in the right mood to talk about my OTP, so I will leave it for another time when I have an urge to explode into a massive firework of feels and words. 

But this is my tribute to Supernatural and to all people who brought these amazing, wonderful, beloved characters to life, gave them shape and form: the cast, the crew, the team of writers, everyone involved on every step of the road.  15 years, people! This is a big slice of my life, of anyone’s life. This is my thanks, and my love, and my gratitude. I’ve never been to convention, never met anyone of them and most likely never will, but I needed to give form to what I feel. Am I sad that SPN is almost over? Sure, I will cry a river when the final episode arrives! But I understand that everything eventually comes to an end. It was a beautiful run but I respect their decision and stand by it. And I already know what I want for Christmas or as a birthday gift when a full 15 (or is it 16 now with such a long corona-hiatus between already aired and still in production episodes?) season boxset hits the stores (Blue-Ray, pretty please, with as much extras and bonus materials as possible)

P.S. But you know whom I also want to thank and hug, and shower with love? All my fandom mates, known to me and total strangers, all those incredibly talented, wonderful, amazing people who write fanfiction, create art, express their love for the show through any possible creative outlet. No matter the stan, no matter the ship, over the years I’ve met truly great, kind, friendly and positive people in every wing of the fandom. YOU ARE AWESOME!