#did adrienne need to go that hard on her writing (the answer is yes)

[scoliwings]

finished SASASAP and i'm writhing

[caterinawriting]

The Cost of a Legacy (8)

Summary : He sees her and she’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen, everything perfect. Well except the fact that they’re growing up during the revolutionary war. Their love will hit many hurdles and what the future has in store may not be what they planned.

Pairing : John Laurens x Reader

Words : 2,205

Authors note : So the start of this chapter is based around Lafayette, I can't speak French... So it'll be in English but imagine there speaking French. I also know nothing about how the French monarchy works so bare with me.

September 1776, France

One month before the engagement

“Next up is, ugh. Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette, Marquis de LaFayette.” He stood up making his way to the advisor’s office. “You know you think by now you'd stop putting your whole name. We know who you are and why you're here.” Lafayette scoffed, “Charles with a name like mine, it needs to be announced, my name is my father’s great name and his fathers. It would be disrespectful to my ancestors to not use it.”

Charles rolled his eyes and motioned for him to sit, “Lafayette, you know what I'm going to say, so why do you keep bothering?” Lafayette smirked, pulling out a couple of crumpled sheets, “Because this time I have recommendations, from great french generals saying I should help in the war effort.” Charles sighed, “The ‘American’ war effort, say it with me, AMERICAN.”

“I know, I know, but what those men are doing across the sea is unheard of. They're making history over there and I know I can help them.” The advisor took his recommendations and put them away in a cabinet, “I'll give this to the king to review, again. But as of right now the answer is still no, he says specifically you Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette, Marquis de LaFayette are too valuable to your country.” He read off a sheet before handing it to Lafayette. “Maybe next time friend.” He motioned for him to leave.

“Charles you know we're not friends.” And with that Lafayette exited the palace, tearing up the king's writing and dumping it on the lawn. Rejected five times, five times Lafayette has written essays explaining his reasoning. Five times he’s spoken with stupid Charles, five times he’s had to wait knowing his request would be rejected. Why couldn't he just sail off to the colonies, oh maybe because the king seized his ship after he attempted to sail himself to America.

He finally came up to the road that led down to his home, where his wife Maire was waiting for him. The other path led down to a local pub, where all his high-class friends could waste themselves. Yes, right now that's what he needed a nice cold drink to distract him from his crushed goals. He ran down the path, busting into the pub, “Lafa-Lafayette! Bud! Guys, look, it's the great Marquis de Lafayette! Come over pal.” He chuckled making his way down to his friend, Jacques.

“Buddy, how did it go? Are you leaving me yet?” Jacques frowned before throwing down another beer, “No, the King still hasn't authorized me to go, who knows if he ever will.” Defeated, he ordered a beer for himself. Jacques patted his back trying to comfort his friend, “I’m sorry mate, I know you want to fight. But who knows maybe the sixth time's a charm? Let me tell you something funny I heard today, I was on my way to the bank and some peasants were complaining about the famine again! They started blaming-” Jacques continued his story, Lafayette nodded along not truly listening. Really just stuck on one thought, what if he just went? No permission, no waiting just to go, of course, he'd have to stow away on a trade ship that would take a couple of months to get him to his destination. Too long, he needed to get there now he's waited too long.

“Thank you, good sir, please do let me know if you know of any suitors with these qualities. Hello gentleman may I bother you for a moment?” Lafayette turned to see a short man, obviously not native to France. “What can we do for you friend?” Jacques responded, turning to the man, Lafayette rolled his eyes returning to his drink, only wanting to listen to himself, drink more beer. “Well I'm here on behalf of my employer, he's in search of a gentleman to wed his daughter. She is nineteen years old and beautiful, elegant, and educated, he seeks a wealthy and honorable husband for her. Are either of you interested or know anyone who fits these qualities?” What is happening? What man sends a servant to find his daughter a bride? “I’m single, where does this girl live?” Jacques chuckled, “Well that is the issue, my boss is from the colonies, the new United States. He's providing his own transport on his vessel and will pay for all expenses in the new country until the two are wed.” Jacques laughed, “Almost had me until you said Id have to move across the ocean, sorry pal were good-”

“This man you work for has his own vessel in France right now, ready to sail back to the states?” Lafayette asked the man, who nodded shocked at how interested the other man seemed now. “Yes it's all ready but anyone who does agree to this needs to be reviewed by me, just to make sure they're not lying about any of the requirements.” Lafayette smiled and took the man's hand and gave it a hard shake, “Sir I’m your candidate then, Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette, Marquis de LaFayette.” The man smiled pulling a pamphlet out of his satchel, “Well Monsieur Lafayette, thank you. Take this and please meet me here tomorrow with all that the sheet requires and if all goes well I'll have you on a ship to the United States by Friday!” They shook hands and said goodbye, the man leaving the pub.

“What just happened?” Jacques asked with shock all over his face. “My friend, I just got my ticket to the revolution.” Jacques did the only thing that came to his mind, he raised his hand and slapped his best friend. “Oh my, what was that for!?” Jacques grabbed his friend and pulled him out of the pub, “What is wrong with you? Are you really this desperate to fight that you're going to leave Marie for this?”

“I'm not leaving Maire, I have a plan.” Jacques laughed, “I don't think Marie wants to be a part of a harem.” Lafayette smacked his head, “No you idiot! I'm going to follow up with this man and agree to marry his boss's daughter, go to the colonies, and make a good impression on this girl and her father. And then I will enlist in the war, become a great officer and help win the war against the British, and then one day when I die I will be remembered by those I helped. Oh and after that, I'll just disappear back to France, to my loving wife and best friend.”

“I have zero words, except that you are insane.” Jacques turned away and began making his way home, “It'll work out, you'll see... Goodnight friend!” Jacques waved, not bothering to respond.

---

“Marquis! Marquis stop what is going on?” Maire confused followed her husband around their home as he packed his belongings. “It's happening Maire, it's really happening. I'm going to war!” His tone celebratory as he continued packing his wife right behind him, “The king approved of you? I thought he said you needed to stay?”

“No, he didn't.” Still packing, “Well why are you packing then? Marquis stop and talk to me.” He sighed continuing, “I don't have time to stop, I leave tonight.” Marie stopped hovering, “Husband, please. Talk to me, I don't understand Marquis please.” She begged to block his way, in front of his dreams. “I found a way to fight, there's a man who's going to help me get to the states. The king won’t let me go, so I'm improving myself. I need to go.” He stated going around her, he was going to leave tonight. “If the king said you can't then you won't, this could be treason! Marquis, you will not go.”

“My mind is made up, Marie you are my wife, you swore to support me when we wed. So support me and my choices.” Marie shook with anger, “You swore to be with me for the rest of our lives, so if you go I'm coming.” He sighed, here comes the truth, “You can't come.”

“Why? Why can't I come?” He sat down on their bed, “I need you to hear me before you speak again because this will sound terrible, and I understand if you don't agree with what I'm doing, but nothing can change my mind. The man who is helping me get to the colonies made a deal with me. He's looking for a groom for his daughter, and I volunteered, it's not what it seems though. I will not marry this girl or kiss her or anything that would break our bond. I'm doing this because it's my destiny to fight and I will do what it takes to complete it.” He looked up at his wife, who was as expected shocked.

After a couple of moments of silence, she spoke, “What if you at the end of the war want to marry her? Our marriage is only legal in France, you could remarry and never come back to me.” He shook his head and approached his wife, “No, I will come back to you, god is my witness that I Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette, Marquis de LaFayette will come back to you my wife Marie Adrienne Françoise de Noailles, Marquis de La Fayette.” She smiled hugging him. “My father will never forgive you.” He laughed, “I don't need his forgiveness all I ask is that while I'm gone you find it in your heart to forgive me.” She nodded, “When this war is over I want you to come back to me immediately okay?”

“Yes mam”

---

October 1776

After the engagement

Fiance? Has any woman ever been engaged to two men at the same time? Juliet- no she was married and engaged at the same time. Well then, (Y/n) was the first she knew of.

“I know princess I should have said something in my letter, but I wanted it to be a surprise. I have found you the best husband.” Still shocked she only nodded, still staring at her father confused, “She's just speechless, Monsieur Lafayette.” He nodded, “I'll just take her bags inside then.” Lafayette sensing tension grabbed her bags and ran into the home.

“Come on sweetheart, let's get you to bed the journey must have been exhausting.” (Y/n) still shocked didn't move, her father sighed and carried her inside up to her old room and placed her in her bed, “I know it's a lot to take in, but I want you to talk to him and give him a chance. He's perfect for what this family needs right now, he's high class, rich, and well educated, he could get us back on top of New York and help fix the business. He's the key to fixing this family… Just give him a chance.” He tucked her in and kissed her forehead, leaving her alone in her room.

Give him a chance.

He's the key to fixing this family.

Give him a chance?

He's the key.

Give him a chance… What is she going to do?

---

“Bonjour Mademoiselle, did you sleep well?” Oh gosh, it wasn't a dream. She took a deep breath, time to be clear and brave. “Is my father home?’ He shook his head, “No he had early business to deal with, told me to tell you to get to know me.” He smiled cheekily, she forced a laugh. “Have you had breakfast yet?” He shook his head again, “No (Y/n) I was waiting for to wake so we could eat together.” She smiled heading to the dining room, where he pulled the chair out for her before sitting. “My father was right, you are a gentleman.”

“Well, I was raised in a high-class french family, if I didn't wait for you or pull your chair out my nana would die all over again.” She laughed, immediately covering her mouth, “I'm sorry, please forgive me that I was improper, to laugh at.” He laughed, “Don't worry (Y/n) I don't mind, I like those who appreciate my sense of humor.” She gave a small smile, realizing he was flirting with her, they sat in silence as the maid served them their food and retreated out the dining room.

“Lafayette, I have a secret to tell you. It will ruin all my father’s plans and yours but I can't let this drag longer than it needs to. I can’t marry you, I'm already engaged.” She quickly said, pulling out her necklace as proof.

“Oh thank King Louis this is perfect!” He proclaimed standing up and hugging the girl. “That is not the reaction I expected.” She said hugging him back. “I know, and I will explain. Is there somewhere we can go? Where no one will hear us?” She nodded, both of them standing, “Yes I have a spot, well used to but it should be fine.”

“Okay let's go and I’ll explain to you why I'm so happy you can't marry me!” He laughed, “And bring those finger sandwiches!”

“Okay!”

—-

Not edited

I’m dying of sleep exhaustion

Have a good night hope you enjoy

[onisiondrama]

Killstream w/ Onision 3/30/2020 - Summary Part 2

Re-Upload

(Unless specifically stated, everything written is from Greg / James’ words. Parenthesis are my notes/thoughts.):

Says Shiloh threatened to kill herself and make it look like he did it. He called the cops and they took her away when she admitted to them she said she was going to kill herself. The cops told him he can’t evict her without a process of 3 months and he should leave before she got back. He says it sucks because it’s his house but he wanted to get away from her. He went to LA and stayed with her producer, Damon. He asked Damon if she was mental and needed meds. Damon said she was evil.

In hindsight, he should have only encountered his spouse. He should have never tried to fill the gap in Kai’s life with another person. Should have been there himself and not worked as hard.

Host asks if he’s done with polyamory. He’s done with every form of relationship. If his marriage doesn’t work out, he’s going to have 2 sex dolls.

Host reads someone saying Kai sent nudes to Sarah when Sarah was underage and that this was confirmed. Greg says there’s a video of Sarah looking through Kai’s laptop and revealing she’s going through Kai’s pictures without Kai’s permission. Kai tells Sarah to delete them and Sarah’s just laughing. (This is not what happens at all in the clip, BTW.) He says Sarah doesn’t have screen shots of actual texts.

Says Sarah submitted the laptop to the authorities, yet nothing happened. When you submit something like this and it has something on it, they act quick and raid you so they can catch you with stuff on your computer.

Greg says Chris Hansen decided to interview all these people, so now their statements can be used during cross examination in a trial. Their public statements can invalidate their statements in court. They’re fucking themselves.

Says according to Sarah, she sent the laptop to Hansen and he let it sit there a long time. They sent it back and she was pissed off at them for not doing anything with it. Sarah allegedly turned it into the FBI, but they don’t give a shit.

Host asks if this is what he gets for towing the line. Greg says no. They took her in because she said her mom was beating her, Meg Griffin, then when she turned 18 she was pushing hard and he was poly. He says they were never her parents. (Clip of Kai saying he has legal guardianship and clip of Greg saying they were like Sarah’s foster parents) He was just trying to make everyone happy, but he made Kai miserable.

Greg says Billie was an adult and Shiloh was like an adult because she lived like an adult and didn’t go to school because she was a recording artist. It was legal and he wasn’t going to turn down dating a Canadian pop star. He says he was 24.

Host asks what the youngest girl he would talk at 24. Greg says 18. He says people don’t present their age at first until you get to know them and you find out they’re just about to turn 18 “and you’re like, fuck you.”

Greg asks what crimes occurred if he’s going to jail. People agree he’s not going to jail. Greg asks what minor was fucked illegally. Host says people say he laid the groundwork for a relationship while she was underage. Greg says how so. Someone says he was her savior. Greg says he was mean to her. They get on a tangent about her mom grooming her because her mom was mean to her.

Someone asks how Hansen got involved. Greg says Mike bribed Hansen by bringing him to someone’s house to break the law. You can’t go within 50 feet of a “no trespassing” sign in the state of Washington without getting into super trouble. Mike was trying to distract from his own lawsuit where he allegedly sexually assaulted a woman. The woman lost in court. Greg asks a woman, who I’m assuming he brought on with him, to tell the story. She tells the story about Mike. She says it was thrown out because the woman lied about something unrelated, but Mike apologized to her.

He guesses Mike and Hansen thought he would have a mental breakdown at the door and they would get viral views off of him because they thought his fake mental breakdown videos were real. He called the cops because there were 7 strange men in his driveway. Greg says when you call the cops on Hansen, that’s a sign he’s not in the right place.

They invite Keem on. Keem says he wanted to come on because he watched Greg’s stream with the Newsweek reporter. Keem is laughing because the reporter said Keem did a bad job with his Onision interview because he couldn’t control the conversation. Keem says the reporter got flattened by Onision. Greg says everyone has great advise when they haven’t been in the situation before.

Keem and Greg talk about how Repzion denied the chance to interview Greg. They say it’s odd he doesn’t want to confront him after saying he’s going to take him down. Keem also says it’s ironic Repzion tweeted something about Keem’s young daughter becoming a prostitute one day, but now he’s the savior of children. Keem says he heard a rumor that Repzion groomed his current girlfriend and she started watching him when she was 12. Greg says online, men consistently point the finger at things they are guilty of.

Host says Repzion said he didn’t agree to the interview because Greg took him to court and he can’t risk legal reproductions. Greg asks what legal reproductions would come from a public conversation. Keem says quite a few, says he’s being sued for $3.5 million right now.

They talk about Edwin. Greg says he tried to get him on, but Edwin said he’s on a social media break and and stuff going on. Greg jokes that quarantine is a very busy time for him, everyone laughs. Keem says he doesn’t think Edwin is a bad guy and he tried to be fair even though he’s biased. He says they were on a livestream with a girl who started with a D, like Daisy. Greg says he didn’t have a lot of girls over. He lists Billie, Ayalla, their nanny, Sarah. They figure out it was Ayalla. Greg says she tried to fuck Sara when Sarah was 16. (Ayalla denied this, but she would have been 18, it only would have been a two year age gap.) Keem says he asked them if there’s hardcore proof of grooming and everyone on the stream said no.

Greg says he used to drive Sarah to work.

Keem says he heard from Cyr that Greg doesn’t have a moral compass. The only morality he has is the law and that what he judges what is right or wrong. Greg asks if they know Cyr beat his girlfriend. They laugh and say so the answer to the question is yes. Greg says Cyr slapped his Russian girlfriend. He says Cyr was called out for beating his girlfriend so he’s not taking his advise.

Greg says no one brings up the other women he dated. The 24 year old (They did not date when she was 24. This was his first wife and he divorced her when she was 24. They dated as teenagers, which is fine but he’s twisting it.), the other 24 year old (Hannah Minx was 22, not 24 and their relationship was a two week Skype relationship.), and a 26 year old (Adrienne, 3 week on and off relationship.) He says he “literally dated Hannah Minx for 2 weeks” as an example.

He says teenagers are worthless and annoying to him. The only reason they get into his life is because they lied about their age. That pisses him off, like the person he’s been with for over 8 years. He thought Kai was 20, but he was 17. Kai told him they were about to turn 18 in 3 months when Greg asked. Greg looked up horoscopes to see if they were compatible and Kai played along, but it wasn’t even the month they were born. He didn’t abandon Kai because he already fell for him. Greg says he was 26.

Greg says people write to him saying they want to be in a poly relationship with him and he replies, “go fuck yourself.”

He said one time he had a camera person over and he was bordering on an inappropriate relationship with them because he hugged her a little too long and once she slid on his lap. He thought it was fine, but the second time she did it she wiggles her ass on his lap and he told Kai. Kai and him said she needed to get the fuck out. She stayed in her room for a week because she was so humiliated. Then they never heard from her again.

[verifiedaccount]

If Jacque Hollander’s story is true, it carries some extraordinary demands. It requires the authorities to open at least two death investigations. It asks them to pull James Brown’s body from the crypt and subject it to an autopsy. It forces us all to reconsider Brown’s legacy: to see him not just as a pioneering entertainer but as a man whose last two decades were suffused with horrible secrets.

Of the thousands of people I’ve interviewed in my 18-year career, Jacque Hollander stands apart. Her stories may ramble, one interrupting another and another after that, but she renders each scene with remarkable detail. They have the force of lived experience, of fear and sadness and hard-earned outrage. As for documentation, she is practically a hoarder. She has more than a dozen boxes of papers, photographs, audiotapes, videotapes and other relevant artifacts. One time she played me a VHS tape from 1988 that showed a police officer writing her a note at a charity function — and then she handed me the note, worn and faded but still intact.

“When you’re up against the most powerful person in the world, you have to document, and you have to investigate yourself, and you’d better prove everything you’re saying,” she told me that first day in June. “Because nobody’s going to believe you unless you can prove it.”

Some people find her stories impossible to believe. Several who have known Jacque told me they think she exaggerates, or hallucinates. Jacque herself told me that a close friend tried to have her committed.

But at least three trained fact-finders have closely examined her claims and reached the opposite conclusion. Larry Largent and Mark Polkosnik, two professional counselors who happen to be former police officers, both told me they had spent many hours counseling Jacque for her mental and emotional trauma and had determined she was neither crazy nor lying — not about James Brown, and not about anything else.

Danny Porter, the district attorney of Gwinnett County, Georgia, since 1992, said Jacque had given him solid information that helped solve a murder case unrelated to James Brown. He said he considers her a reliable source.

“Knowing Jacque and what she tells me about the James Brown organization, I can’t say it’s not true,” Porter told me. “Because so much of what she says has turned out to be true over the years.”

I spent nearly two years checking out Jacque’s story. I traveled through nine states, read tens of thousands of pages of police and court records, interviewed nearly 140 people, questioned Jacque for hundreds of hours, mined the depths of her three storage units for records stretching back more than 30 years, analyzed more than 1,300 pages of text messages from her iPhone, and sent an item from her green plastic bin for testing at a forensic laboratory.

In examining the deaths of Adrienne Brown and James Brown, I also discovered many things Jacque did not know when she called me.

At least three other people believe the death of Adrienne Brown was not an accidental overdose, despite what the authorities said in 1996.

There are legitimate questions about James Brown’s death that can only be answered by an autopsy and a criminal investigation.

And there is a disturbing pattern of similarities between Adrienne Brown’s death and James Brown’s death 11 years later.

I found the doctor with whom Jacque claimed to have spoken, the one who treated James Brown at a hospital in Atlanta before his death. Much to my surprise, he agreed to an interview. He told me he doubted Brown had died of natural causes. He suspected that Brown died of an overdose, accidental or otherwise. He said he wanted an autopsy all along.

The doctor is one of 11 people associated with Brown who told me his death should be investigated. That number does not include Brown’s daughter LaRhonda Pettit or his son-in-law Darren Lumar, both of whom alleged that Brown was murdered, both of whom died before I started reporting this story.

In addition to the doctor, I found Andre Moses White, the old friend who helped Brown check into the hospital in December 2006. Yes, White told me, he did take a vial of his friend’s blood from an IV tube shortly after Brown’s death. And he still hopes it will help the authorities find out whether James Brown was murdered. Lumar was murdered in Atlanta in 2008, the year after he made his allegation on local TV news. His killing remains unsolved.

Besides the skeptical doctor and the vial of blood, I found more than a dozen other unresolved questions regarding Brown’s last days, his death, and the peculiar events that followed. I will lay out those questions in the third part of this series. But first we need to talk about the circus singer, and the tortuous 30-year path that led her to acquire the mysterious plastic bin.

It’s easy to get lost in this story, to get tangled in the characters and plotlines. The best way to understand it is to start at the beginning, about three years before Jacque went into the woods.

This is an even stranger story than the Dan Mallory/A.J. Finn investigation from the New Yorker yesterday. Content warning for descriptions of domestic abuse and sexual assault.

[iknowthekoolaidflavor]

Waking Up in Vegas

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3  Part 4  Part 5  Part 6  Part 7  Part 8  Part 9 Epilogue

Pairing: Daveed x Reader

Word Count: 1.8k

Tagging: @toomanyfandoms109  @drugsdiggs  @serkewen12  @shy-and-awkward-daveed  @nadialinett14  @miightymiighty   @kayleebrynnnn  @pixeledpeople  @olivelongnprosper  @ninatheotter  @twentyonehamiltrash  @lunaaugurium  @jantales  @luna1350  @arii-the-future @juliaguliaa  @tallish-hobbit  @le-sejour @hollyjollyiain @rydellingtonfanfiction @whovianayesha @lafayeetsgunsandships1757

A/N: I finally finished a series!I can’t believe I stated this in July 2017. Although I’m sad to see it go, I am writing another short part to this series. This time I won’t post it until all the parts the finished so it won’t take me months to post. I hope you all enjoyed this as much as I did!

Six Years Later  

Daveed wrapped his arms around me as he spun me around the dance floor. I returned his grin, happy to be with him again. He leaned down to softly kiss my forehead.

He returned to New York and stayed, doing most of his work from my tiny apartment. It started to feel more like home when I came back to see him every night. In the time we spent together, we went on more dates and he asked me to be his girlfriend. About six months later, he had to leave again for filming. It was tough seeing him leave again, but this time felt different, especially after establishing our relationship. We both knew we wanted this to work and there was no hiding it.

“Why are you smiling?”, I questioned

“Just remembering the day you told me you got another promotion”, he smirked as he twirled me,“You were so excited”

“How could I not be?”

I nervously looked around the airport, searching for Daveed. I needed to tell him the real reason I flew to California, but I didn’t know how to say it. There’s no way he would hate what I had to say.I jumped as an arm wrapped around my waist and someone buried their face into my neck.

“I missed you”, he grinned as he squeezed me tighter

“I missed you too”

We hadn’t seen each other physically in seven months, only phone calls and video chat. Missing him was a part of the problem, but finally being in the same state again made it all worth it. We sat in the car, talking about how the soundtrack and work were coming along. Nothing much has changed, we fell back into our same routine.

“You can have my room”, he said as he pulled my suitcase through the door

“Where will you sleep?”

“There’s a guest bedroom”

“And why would you be sleeping there when I’ll be in your room?”

“Uhh...I don’t know why I would even suggest that. I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever and--”

“Daveed”, I giggled, “We shared a bed in New York and you ate me out in that same bed. Nothing has changed”

“Okay, yeah”, he said cracking a smile as he put my suitcase down, “So what’s the reason behind this mystery visit?”

“Well, work has been pretty great for me lately. They fired Jeremy--”

“Good. You never saw him again, right?”

“I never saw him after he made a scene for being fired”, I groaned at the memory

Jeremy lost his mind when he found out that he was losing his mind. He tried to attack me, Ava, and Gina in front of everyone and had to escorted out the building by security. He’s banned from the building now. Daveed was ready to fly out to stay with me, but I convinced him otherwise. 

He visibly relaxed as I took his hand and sat on the bed.

“Sooooo, I’ve been pretty busy at work because my boss has been giving me the chance to help other companies. I thought it was weird that he was pushing me so hard, but I found out he was doing it for a reason. Last week they promoted me and gave me Jeremy’s position”, I cheered feeling like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders

“Babe that’s great”, he rejoiced as he kissed my cheek over and over

“Daveed wait. There’s more”, I giggled, “The promotion is for another location...it’s here in California”

Daveed paused above me, eyes growing wide. His smile grew.

“You’re moving here?”

I nodded.

“No more long distance phone calls and video chat. Or missing phone calls and video chats”, he said excitedly, “You can move in with me, we can have dates on Fridays like we did before and...are you alright?”

“You want me to move in with you?”

“Yes”, he said kissing my lips, “Only if it’s alright with you. We lived with each other before. It’ll be different this time”

“Yeah”, I smiled, “This time we won’t have to worry about any of us moving away anymore. This is our home now”

“Ou...that’s a yes!”, he pulled me into him, attacking my face with kisses again, “God I love you”

The attack stopped immediately as he looked everywhere but my eyes. He started to pull away from me until I grabbed his arm and placed my hand on his face.

“I love you too”

We spent the rest of the evening in each other's’ arms catching up on our lives and kissing.

“If I recall correctly, you were way more excited than I was”

“Maybe”, he agreed, kissing my cheek, “I was ready to move to New York for you. As much as I love California, I love being near you more”

He spun me around the dance floor a few more times before we took our seats along with everyone else. We could see Ava and Gina from our seats. Gina was feeding Ava a piece of cake. They looked happier than ever.

“I can’t believe it’s been five years already”, I reminisced 

“I know. Their wedding was so much fun. I liked meeting their families”

“Me too. Ava’s cousin seemed to like you a little too much”, I groaned as I rolled my eyes at the memory

“You put her in her place though. She’s got nothing on you baby”

We shared another kiss. The entire night Daveed couldn’t keep his hands and lips off of me.

“I remember talking to Gina’s dad afterwards. He told me you were a keeper. Everyone thought we were already married. I knew I wanted to marry you, but work kept getting in the way for the both of us. That night at the Oscars I knew I couldn’t wait any longer. Seeing you so happy drove me crazy in a good way. I couldn’t picture not spending the rest of my life with you”, he acclaimed, staring at me dreamily 

The room was dimly lit when I came home from work. There were rose petals leading me to my bedroom as music softly played in the background. 

Daveed must have had a great day. 

When I stepped in our room, the rose petals stopped at our bed. He was standing in front of the mirror putting a shirt one. He hummed to the music, distracted, as he buttoned his shirt.

“What’s the occasion baby?”

Daveed jumped, finally noticing my presence, “When did you get home? I thought you weren’t supposed to get here until five?”

“It is five”

“Oh”, he blushed, “I wanted to do something special for you. We haven’t had much time to ourselves lately and I just wanted you to know how much you mean to me”

He stepped away from me as I sat down to take off my shoes, then placed a book in my hands. It was a scrapbook with a picture of the two of us on my old couch in New York. We planned a special date night for each other, only for it to start pouring down. We decided to spend the rest of the evening indoors, playing board games like the first time we got snowed in. 

The scrapbook had pictures of us from various moments in our life, there pictures of Gina, Ava, and I in Vegas before we ran into Daveed, Rafa, and Adrienne and vice versa. All the pictures had a description beneath them telling our story. It was a wild story, but it was ours and I loved all of it. The final page didn’t have a picture, only six words.

‘And they lived happily ever after?’

When I looked up in confusion, Daveed was in front of me on one knee with a ring in his hand. Tears slipped down my cheeks as I stared at his bright grin.

“Yes”

“Baby, I haven’t even asked you yet”, he laughed

“I already know my answer. Yes, I want to be with you. I want to marry you and only you”

More tears fell as he placed the ring on my and held my cheeks in my hand. He kissed me again and again.

“We’re getting married”, he beamed

“Second time's the charm”

Before I could say anything, the DJ made an announcement, “Now that everyone is seated, we need the bride to the dance floor to throw the bouquet”

“Looks like that’s your queue Mrs. Diggs”, he kissed me again and helped me out of my seat

We boarded our flight hours later, exhausted out of our minds.

“At least we get to sleep for a couple hours”, he mumbled

“We only have a couple hours before our layover. We might as well stay awake”

The entire time we were planning our wedding, he made a big deal over our honeymoon. He refused to tell me where we were going. All I knew was I needed my passport.

“Did I ever tell you where we’ll be spending our layover?”

“No”, I groaned, “You wouldn’t tell me anything”

“Our layover is in Vegas. Just for old times sake...even though we’re only staying for a night”

“Maybe we’ll stay in the same room”, I grinned

“With the way that week played out, I’ll be be surprised if I actually remember the hotel we were in”

“We can make this visit as memorable as the last time without the surprise marriage”

“The only other surprise would be getting---”

“No”, I gasped,“Not yet”

Daveed laughed as the plane started to take off. Ever since the wedding, he’s been staring at me with this dreamy look in his eye.

 “Our story is a little insane, but I can’t wait to tell it to our kids one day”

The grin that spread across his face was infectious.

“A little? You’re down playing it a bit. We drunkenly got married, then were forced to stay married, we caused a lot of problems that could have been avoided, started dating while still married, got divorced, kept dating, then moved in together, and got married...again”

“I played it down slightly”

“Did you think we would end up here?”

“Yeah”, he said as he played with ring on my finger,“When I moved in with you, I knew. Waking up next to you every morning and going to bed with you in my arms every night made me wonder what it would be like if it were permanent. You and I living under the same roof, not having to worry about when I would have to leave”

“But you waited?”

“You’re worth the wait”

Daveed kissed the back of my hand. I laid my head on his shoulder and began to doze off with a grin on my face. There was nothing in that moment that could be more perfect. 

Who would have thought that one trip to Vegas would have changed my life in the best way possible.

[suchagiantnerd]

28 Books, 1 Year

Well, 2020, amirite? Staying home with a 4-year-old and a baby really decreased my reading time, bringing me to my lowest total ever since starting this blog. Here we go!

1. Her Body and Other Parties / Carmen Maria Machado

I rarely feel stupid when reading fiction, but this collection of short stories left me feeling pretty stupid. Machado's writing is visceral and gorgeous but what she's trying to say is mostly beyond me. Overall, the collection (as evident by the title) looks at the ways existing in a woman's body is fraught. Sometimes we want to escape our bodies, often our bodies are harmed or taken advantage of against our will, sometimes our bodies fail us. But as for the more nitty-gritty takeaways, I couldn't get there. One story in particular is staying with me. In it, Machado invents new summaries of each and every episode of Law & Order: SVU, telling a tale of a living, breathing New York City that requires regular blood sacrifices and in which everyone has a doppelgänger. I liked it, but definitely didn't get it.

2. Moon of the Crusted Snow / Waubgeshig Rice

This wonderfully chilling read takes place on a remote reserve in Northern Ontario. Over the course of a few days, cell service stops, the internet goes down, and the power goes out. With no communication possible with other communities, the reserve's residents can only guess at what may be occurring down south. As autumn creeps toward winter, the snow piles up and panic sets in. Eventually, a visitor arrives via snowmobile and confirms the residents' worst fears about the state of civilization while also asking to stay on in the community. Can he be trusted? Will others follow? This was a tense page-turner looking at the importance of community, preparedness and leadership.

3. Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar / Cheryl Strayed

Dear Sugar's advice to a person who didn't know whether or not he wanted kids is what turned me onto her. The answer was perfect. For someone on the fence, there is no right answer, no wrong answer. But there was a simple beauty to the way she said this. In this advice column collection, Sugar answers questions about love, parenthood, friendship, loss, death, finances, education, hopes and dreams. She insists again and again that we open our hearts and give forgiveness a chance while still maintaining healthy boundaries. And through her answers (and anecdotes) she showers love and care on so many devastated readers who are often writing to her as a last resort.

4. Girlfriend in a Coma / Douglas Coupland

We start the action with a Breakfast Club-type group of teens at a party in 1979 Vancouver. One of them, Karen, ends the night in a coma and doesn’t wake up for 16 YEARS. Also, turns out she was pregnant, and gives birth while in the coma. Richard, her boyfriend, raises their daughter with the help of his parents and friends, and by the time Karen wakes up again, the world has gone downhill. Not long after she wakes up, everyone starts falling asleep and dying except for the original group of friends and Karen’s daughter. I liked this novel as I’m a sucker for everything dystopian, but I also had to ask WHY? Why this random group of teens out of all the world? Why did Karen have to be in a coma for so long? How does it tie into the apocalypse? I still don’t know guys. I still don’t know.

5. How to Change Your Mind: What the New Science of Psychedelics Teaches Us About Consciousness, Dying, Addiction, Depression, and Transcendence / Michael Pollan

Back in the 1960s, research on LSD was banned thanks to a moral panic. But today, scientists and therapists are starting to study its uses again. Pollan takes a deep dive into the future of LSD, psilocybin (certain mushrooms, and if I remember correctly, a substance that a certain toad secretes?!) and DMT, taking various trips himself with the help of trained guides. His vivid descriptions of each trip were the highlight of the book, and I find myself, someone who has never tried anything other than pot, wanting to try microdosing in the future.

6. Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine / Gail Honeyman

The first of two contrarian reviews this year, I really didn’t like this book. I found Eleanor’s character and quirks completely unbelievable, and even discovered a little hole in the plot demonstrating that she can’t be as out of touch with pop culture as Honeyman claims she is (which I can’t reveal to you because it’s also a spoiler). I think my issue is that as far as I know, the author is not neurodivergent, whereas Eleanor is. I think this does a real disservice to readers, and would much prefer to read something like this by a neurodivergent author.

7. The Story of the Lost Child / Elena Ferrante

I finally finished the Neapolitan Quartet series! The fourth and final book finds Elena and Lila in their thirties and follows them until they’re in their sixties as they navigate professional successes and failures, new aspects of motherhood, relationship woes, and a fraying friendship. The dynamics of the friendship at the core of this series speak to me so deeply and captures so much about the passion, tension, tenderness, and competition that lurk within a longtime platonic relationship.

8. The Seven Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle / Stuart Turton

Dare I describe this as Downton Abbey meets Black Mirror? Aidan Bishop wakes up on the same date and in the same setting every day (Blackheath Manor on Evelyn Hardcastle’s birthday) but as a different guest or employee each time. Each night, Evelyn Hardcastle is murdered. Aidan quickly learns that his task is to find the murderer, using the different skillsets and vantage points he inherits with each subsequent body. The tension! The twists! The gorgeous setting! I loved this winding, wild novel.

9. You Were Born for This: Astrology for Radical Self-Acceptance / Chani Nicholas

If you are an astrology lover and don’t know who Chani Nicholas is, you’ve been living under a rock! Follow this woman! Her practice and guidance is so inclusive - feminist, anti-racist, anti-transphobic, body positive, and all about how to discover and lean into your gifts and talents while keeping in mind the greater good and working toward a more progressive society.

10. An Ocean of Minutes / Thea Lim

I started reading this dystopian novel about a pandemic right at the start of the pandemic! Maybe not a wise decision, but it didn’t matter, because this book is a beautiful, moving read. In the near future, young couple Polly and Frank find themselves stranded in Galveston, Texas, when a deadly virus begins sweeping across the globe. Frank gets sick, and the only way that Polly can pay for his expensive life-saving treatment is if she signs up as a bonded laborer and travels to the future (yes, time-travel exists!) The couple agree to meet up in 12 years (which will really be just a few short days for Polly). However, Polly is send an extra five years into the future, and Frank is nowhere to be found. The worry I felt! Polly’s loneliness and confusion in the future! Will they find each other again? Oh boy, this was an emotional ride!

11. Where the Crawdads Sing / Delia Owens

The second of my two contrarian reviews this year, I also really disliked this book, which everyone else and their mother seemed to adore? It was bad! The plot felt really contrived, the characters were two-dimensional, and I felt icky about the author’s two Black characters and how the protagonist, Kya, interacted with them. I don’t think Delia is informed enough about the realities of the Black experience, then and now, to responsibly write Black characters. Also, the ‘twist ending’ was a snooze fest. The one redeeming factor was the author’s palpable love of and knowledge about nature. I really did enjoy reading about the coastal habitat and sea life that the Kya loved so much. Oh, what’s this novel about, you ask? It’s a combo coming-of-age / murder mystery set in the 1950s and 60s.

12. The Skin We’re In: A Year of Black Resistance and Power / Desmond Cole

Cole is a Canadian journalist and activist shining a much needed light on racism in this country. In this book, he highlights one incidence of systemic racism in action per month during the year of 2017, focussing on police brutality, harm caused by school boards and educators, the Canada 150 celebrations, and unjust immigration policies. This book packs a punch and Cole’s writing style is really accessible. It’s a great entry point into learning about the realities of racism in Canada.

13. Emergent Strategy: Shaping Change, Changing Worlds / Adrienne Maree Brown

I absolutely loved this book, though I find it hard to pin down. At its core, it encourages us to think more deeply and holistically about nature, social justice, and community. Brown is heavily influenced by Black sci-fi / dystopian master Octavia Butler, specifically Butler’s ideas around “shaping change” while living through change. It’s full of gems of wisdom, like this quote, which is one of my favourites: “Imagination is one of the spoils of colonization, which in many ways is claiming who gets to imagine the future for a given geography.” As Brown also writes about, and which we can really see in this moment, we are currently living through the tail-end of a dying society, imagined by a small few. What could we create together if everyone’s imaginings carried equal weight?

14. From the Ashes: My Story of Being Métis, Homeless, and Finding My Way / Jesse Thistle

Thistle’s emotional and turbulent memoir begins with a loving memory of his time as a little boy at his maternal grandparents’ home. Not long after, his parents moved the family away from their Métis community and Jesse and his two brothers soon end up in the foster care system. This experience, though relatively brief, absolutely traumatized all three of them. Later, they end up living with their paternal grandparents, who love them deeply but are extremely strict, which doesn’t work for Thistle. He hits various rock bottoms, battling with addiction, trauma and homelessness at the intersection of racism. And somehow, he manages to break free of these harmful cycles, go back to school, and become an academic and best-selling author.

15. Policing Black Lives: State Violence in Canada from Slavery to the Present / Robyn Maynard

I would call this a must-read for Canadians. Maynard breaks down exactly how Canada surveils and punishes Blackness despite its claims of inclusivity and tolerance. She explores policing, yes, but also social work, education, immigration, and education and it’s impossible not to see the levers of systemic racism at work everywhere. Fair warning though, this is a more academic text and requires real concentration.

16. Jhumpa Lahiri / Unaccustomed Earth

This collection of short stories (the last being more of a novella) was gripping. I somehow fell in love with almost all of the characters. Lahiri writes people so skillfully. I felt their longing, hope, sorrow, grief, excitement. Most of the tales take place within the Indian community in Cambridge, Massachusetts, but some stories take us further afield. Lahiri picks a key relationship to focus on within each story - daughter/father, sister/brother, two roommates, childhood acquaintances - and lays them out gently under her microscope for us to see in all their intricate complexity.

17. Midnight Sun / Stephenie Meyer

Did you guys know I’m a Twihard? Having read all the Twilight novels (multiple times) way before I started this blog, this may be new information. But I’m a huge, pathetic fan and though I love Jacob, I will always be Team Edward. So OF COURSE I had to read this extremely long-awaited book, which is actually Twilight, but from Edward’s point of view rather than Bella’s. It was genuinely enjoyable, but not filled with nearly enough sexual tension for my liking. And of course, never ever read it unless you are also a Twilight fan.

18. The Sun and Her Flowers / Rupi Kaur

It’s Rupi being Rupi! I legitimately enjoy Rupi’s poetry, but I don’t love it. Some of the pieces really resonate, and others do nothing for me. But I do think she’s an important voice for young women, and specifically young women of colour. So much of her writing is about reclaiming your power, honouring the older generation of women who sacrificed so much and received nothing in return, and learning to love yourself in a society that is constantly trying to hurt you. Her poetry is always an uplifting read.

19. Conscious Creativity: Look, Connect, Create / Philippa Stanton

I’ve been following Philippa on Instagram for years as I adore her flat-lays and domestic foraging arrangements (if you follow me on IG, you may have seen my colour-themed #DomesticForaging homages to her work!) So when she published a book outlining her own creative process (and containing tons of her gorgeous photography), I had to read it. Stanton has included lots of activities meant to light your creative spark and inspire new ways of looking at things. She also writes about her experiences as a synesthete (someone who may “see” music as colours or who may “hear” shapes), which was fascinating. This is a book I’ll certainly go back to when I’m feeling uninspired. Want to follow her on IG? Her handle is @5tfinf.

20. Turkey Trot Murder / Leslie Meier

Guys, this review is the start of something BIG. Brad knows that I love to read books that are “in season” (I don’t want to read a book set in the summer during the winter, etc.). So he bought me this very niche Thanksgiving mystery novel to read in October. It’s alllll fluff, and very much in the “so bad it’s good” category. It also turns out that Leslie Meier may be one of the most prolific authors of all time, and so Brad signed me up to her “book of the month” fan club for my birthday this year, meaning I get a new, seasonally appropriate Meier classic each month. (You should also know that the “book of the month” fan club is entirely made up, and the letters from Leslie are actually written by Brad, and yes, he has designed a logo for the letterhead.)

21. Haunted House Murder / Leslie Meier and Lee Hollis and Barbara Ross

Wait, what? THREE authors? Yes, some of the Leslie Meier classics are actually novellas, so they are combined with novellas by two other authors into these seasonal collections. Also, Lee Hollis isn’t even real. Lee Hollis is in fact TWO PEOPLE, a brother/sister writing duo! So there are four authors involved in this spooky little collection. They all take place in small-town Maine, so yes, the settings are adorable and the plots are terrible.

22. Autumn / Karl Ove Knausgaard

I think I would describe this memoir (?) as a collection of magical noticings. While his wife is pregnant with their fourth baby, Knausgaard starts writing letters to the unborn child, telling them about, well, everything and anything. That project turned into this book, in which the writer observes everyday things like hands, toilets, fog, petrol, and snakes, and finds the beauty and wonder in all of them. Reading this book left me feeling very inspired and wanting to try and develop this skill in myself as I write.

23. The Feather Thief: Beauty, Obsession, and the Natural History Heist of the Century / Kirk Wallace Johnson

Back in 2009, Edwin Rist stole HUNDREDS of dead birds from the British Museum of Natural History. That fact alone is mind-boggling (how?), but it gets wilder. He didn’t steal them for nerdy science reasons, he stole them to sell to the Victorian fly-tying community. Yes, flies as in the things you attach to fish hooks. And no, not flies that will actually be used, but flies that are constructed as a hobby and art form. Wallace Johnson does a great job of conveying Rist’s obsessive passion for fly-tying and the desperation many fly-tiers feel as they try to track down increasingly rare and protected feathers from exotic (or extinct) birds. The author also has a journalist’s nose for sniffing out lies and half-truths and even tracks down Rist himself for a sit-down interview. I was riveted throughout the whole book, which lives at the intersection of history, science, mystery, and psychological deep-dive.

24. Yule Log Murder / Leslie Meier and Lee Hollis and Barbara Ross

The seasonal fluff dream team is back! And yes, a yule log features prominently in each novella. Once as a murder weapon, and once as a suspected murder weapon! These books also feature real recipes, some of which actually look pretty tasty!

25. Empire of Wild / Cherie Dimaline

This was a chilling page-turner and the second novel of Dimaline’s that I’ve read and devoured. She’s quickly become one of my favourite authors. In this story, Joan, a Métis woman living in the Georgian Bay area, is at the tail-end of the worst year of her life. Almost a year ago, her husband Victor disappeared into thin air after a rare argument between the couple, and Joan’s been searching for him ever since. One day, she wanders past a Christian revival tent in a Walmart parking lot, and the minister is the spitting image of Victor. She manages to have a brief conversation with him and it appears he has no memory of her or his prior life. Yet, in her gut, she KNOWS it’s him and resolves to return him to himself (and to her). This slow-burning horror novel weaves in the Métis myth of the Rogarou, a werewolf-ish creature who walks lonely roads looking for victims, to great effect.

26. Eggnog Murder / Leslie Meier and Lee Hollis and Barbara Ross

Another seasonal romp in which this time, the eggnog is the murder weapon in TWO of the stories! TWO PEOPLE IN TWO SEPARATE STORIES DIE FROM DRINKING NUT MILK EGGNOG AND NOT KNOWING IT WAS NUT MILK AND SUFFERING FROM A NUT ALLERGY. Anyways, I actually made one of the included recipes this time - eggnog muffins - and they were truly delicious!

27. Watch Over Me / Nina LaCour

This is a beautiful and haunting (both literally and figuratively) YA novel about the way trauma from our past follows us around, haunting our present. Mila, who’s just aged out of the foster care system, lands what seems to be a perfect job helping to teach younger children at a farm in Northern California. The farm is owned by an older couple who’ve become somewhat famous for taking in dozens of kids from the foster system over the years. Upon arrival, Mila falls in love, but soon starts to notice strange things about the way things are done on the farm, while also suffering from PTSD related to her own childhood traumas. Is there something sinister going on, or could this beautiful, isolated place become the home Mila’s always longed for?

28. Phases / h.duxbury

I started writing poetry again this summer, and quickly found lots of other poets sharing their work on Instagram. @hduxburypoetry (a fellow Ontarian, too!) quickly became one of my favourite accounts to follow, so when i learned that she self-published a poetry collection, I had to grab a copy. Her work is heavily inspired by nature and the changing seasons, which I’m a sucker for, so I really enjoyed it. Her poems also delve into grief, loneliness, love, and growth.

Well, there you have it! As for my 2020 faves, my top three reads were:

Empire of Wild

Unaccustomed Earth

Emergent Strategy

[itskimtaehyung]

question tags

I've been tagged in a few of these so I'm just gonna lump them together

if i tagged u in one of these and you want to do the others just do em and say i tagged you

Rules: Complete the survey and tag five people when you are finished 

i was tagged by @baekhyeun​ 💕 (a lot of our answers are the same n i was just like did i tag myself???)

1. Are you named after someone? 

nope

2. When was the last time you cried? 

um i think it was last week but that was the first time i cried in like 2 years

3. Do you like your handwriting? 

sometimes when its neat

4. What is your favorite lunch meat? 

what classifies something as a “lunch meat”?? idk i dont really eat meat that much

5. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?

um idk sometimes I'm annoying af

6. Do you use sarcasm? 

when do i not lmao

7. Do you still have your tonsils? 

i think so?? is everyone born with tonsils?? because i never had mine out

8. Would you bungee jump? 

um no i can't even do rollercoasters

9. What is your favorite kind of cereal? 

Oreo O’s and French Toast Crunch!!

10. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? 

If I don’t have to then i won't but if i can’t take off the shoe without untying it i will

11. Do you think you’re a strong person? 

i guess? I dont lift or anything but i can draw a bow with a 40 lb draw weight. that probably doesnt mean anything to a lot of ppl lmao

12. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? 

Hazelnut!!

13. What is the first thing you notice about people? 

hair? face? idk

14. Red or pink? 

Pink!!!

15. What is the least favorite physical thing you like about yourself? 

um. I've changed a lot of myself to be how i want it so i dont really know? probably my legs

16. What color pants and shoes are you wearing now? 

Im wearing black pants and no shoes

17. What is the last thing you ate? 

mac n cheese

18. What are you listening to right now? 

i have my headphones in but nothing is playing. I should change that

19. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?

pink? or maybe black

20. Favorite smell? 

👀 noir tease from victoria’s secret aka the one that jungkook used

21. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? 

someone called to ask me how much I'm paying for electricity each month

22. Favorite sport to watch? 

I used to be really into baseball but i haven't watched a sport in like 5 years

23. Hair color? 

black and pink

24. Eye color? 

Brown

25. Do you wear contacts? 

nope

26. Favorite food to eat? 

carbs and sugar

27. Scary movies or comedy? 

comedy 

28. Last movie you watched? 

hidden figures

29. What color of shirt are you wearing? 

grey with the nasa logo on it

30. Summer or winter? 

they both have appealing aspects to me??

31. Hugs or kisses? 

both?

32. What book are you currently reading? 

omg i haven't read a book since like 2015

33. Who do you miss right now? 

my friends. kim taehyung

34. What is on your mouse pad? 

i have a laptop so i dont have a mouse pad??

35. What is the last TV program you watched? 

Cheese in the Trap

36. What is the best sound? 

Jungkook’s laugh, tae’s giggle

37. Rolling Stones or The Beatles? 

i only know kpop lmao

38. What is the furthest you have ever traveled? 

Im from california in the US and the farthest I’ve gone is Vietnam

39. Do you have a special talent? 

What’s considered special?? I'm a girl of many talents I'm p much Jungkook except i can't dance

40. Where were you born? 

the US

i tag: @sonshinejimin​ @taenity​ @jungkookbunbun​ @hobikookie​ @vanillalattaes​

5 things tag~

i was tagged by @bbangsthetic​ 💕

5 things you’ll find in my bag

lip tint

tissues

wallet

a granola bar or pack of trail mix

lip balm

5 things you’ll find in my bedroom

tv

my bts shrine (i mean what I'm not crazy)

my bed

bts posters

a pile of clothes on a chair

5 things I’ve always wanted to do  

travel

get a tattoo

be able to drive on the freeway??

be good at everything

eat whatever i want without getting fat

5 things that make me feel happy

kim taehyung

bts

my best friends

food

boba tea

5 things I’m currently into

kim taehyung

food

kpop

writing

drawing

5 things on my to-do list

draw things !

write things !

get a job at school

become an engineer!

love my friends

I tag: @qtaes​ @ttaegiis​ @slutlingar​ @jungkookpd​ idk im shit at tagging ppl

Get To Know Me Tag

tagged by @aichan11 💕​, and someone else i can't remember who???

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people.

THE LAST: 1. Drink: coffee 2. Phone call: this lady called to ask me how much I'm paying for electricity each month 3. Text message: to my friend bc i saw a Rude Jimin™️ 4. Song you listened to: Without You (chinese version) - NCT U 5. Time you cried: like last week

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: no. 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: no 8. Been cheated on: no 9. Lost someone special: uhh i dont think so 10. Been depressed: constantly tbh 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: No

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: black, pink, blue

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: Yes! lots of tumblr friends and i made a couple of my irl best friends in the last year 16. Fallen out of love: I've never really been in love with anyone but tae tbh 17. Laughed until you cried: yes. a lot 18. Found out someone was talking about you: like in a bad way? no 19. Met someone who changed you: yes 20. Found out who your friends are: yup! once i graduated high school only a few people stuck around 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: um no

GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them  23. Do you have any pets: no 😢 24. Do you want to change your name: i used to hate my name but in third grade my teacher said it was fancy so no 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: i went to see BTS with my best friend!!! 26. What time did you wake up: this morning i woke up at like 6am bc i got the notification for namjoon’s vlive but i went to sleep after and woke up at like 10 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: talking to my friend. probably about memes 28. Name something you can’t wait for: moving in with one of my best friends!! 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: like 10 mins ago before she walked out of the room 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: i wish i enjoyed exercise!!! I'm lazy af!!! 31. What are you listening right now: the Cherry Bomb mini album from NCT 127 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: not that i remember?? 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: tbh my friend and i are trying to work out the furniture arrangement for our apartment and its very frustrating 34. Most visited Website: Tumblr

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME 35. Mole/s: i have a bunch on my arms and a few on my face. 36. Mark/s: um i dont think i have any? 37. Childhood dream: i wanted to be a singer or actress 38. Haircolor: black and pink 39. Long or short hair: Long. as long as possible 40. Do you have a crush on someone: does a thirst count? bc I'm currently thirsting after someone but idk if it’s an emotional attachment  41. What do you like about yourself: idk I'm vain af so almost everything 42. Piercings: i have three lobe piercings in my left ear and a double helix and 3 lobes on my right ear. so a total of 8. I'm planning on getting a helix on my left soon 43. Bloodtype: i actually dont know?? 44. Nickname: Kiwi, Adri, A 45. Relationship status: Single 46. Zodiac: Aries 47. Pronouns: She/Her 48. Favorite TV Show: i dont really watch tv 49. Tattoos: no but i want one!! 50. Right or left hand: Right 51. Surgery: just wisdom teeth 52. Hair dyed in different color: yup! pink. and i used to have red hair for like 2.5 years 53. Sport: i dont move very much but I'm pretty good at archery 55. Vacation: I'm going to hawaii in august and possibly LA for KCON 56. Pair of trainers: i have a pair of Nikes

MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: I'm really picky but i also love a lot of things?? idk 58. Drinking: tea or coffee 25/8 59. I’m about to: catch up on all the things I've been tagged in 61. Waiting for: moving!! 62. Want: $$$ 63. Get married: only if i like them enough 64. Career: my dream is to be an engineer at nasa

WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: both!! 66. Lips or eyes: Lips!! 67. Shorter or taller: Taller 68. Older or younger: i prefer people my age but I'm open to anything as long as its not too big of a difference  70. Nice arms or nice stomach: stomach?? i guess?? idk 71. Sensitive or loud: sensitive i guess 72. Hook up or relationship: depends on my mood tbh. 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant. I'm scared of everything tbh

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a stranger: No 75. Drank hard liquor: No 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: yes omg i can't find my glasses but thats okay bc my optometrist says i dont need them anymore 77. Turned someone down: Yes 78. Sex in the first date: depends on the person 79. Broken someone’s heart: id like to think i haven't?? 80. Had your heart broken: nope 81. Been arrested: No 82. Cried when someone died: no 83. Fallen for a friend: No

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: sometimes 85. Miracles: sometimes 86. Love at first sight: sometimes. 87. Santa Claus: No 88. Kiss in the first date: yes 89. Angels: idk

OTHER: 90. Current best friends name: I have three but i dont wanna be putting their names on the internet 91. Eyecolor: Dark brown 92. Favorite movie: i dont really watch movies

i tag: @sonshinejimin idk anyone else I'm too lazy to tag

82 Truths

i was tagged by @sevenkookiejars 💕

name: Adrienne blood type: ??? nickname(s): kiwi r/s: single zodiac sign: aries pronouns: she/her favorite tv shows: um i dont really have one long or short hair: as long as possible height: 159-160 ish cm 

do you have a crush on someone: i dont think so??

what do you like about yourself: um almost everything tbh right or left handed: right list of three favourite colors: pink, black, blue

right now: eating: nothing drinking: nothing i’m about to: eat dinner listening to: Cherry Bomb - NCT 127 kids: no thanks get married: right now?? no but maybe in the future if i like them enough??  career: right now?? no

most recent: drink: coffee phone call: some lady asked me how much a pay for electricity song you listened to:  Summer 127 - NCT 127

have you ever: dated someone twice: no… been cheated on: nope kissed someone and regretted it: no… lost someone special: i guess been depressed: constantly been drunk and thrown up: nope  kissed a stranger: nope  had glasses or contacts: glasses for like the first 18 years of my life before i got a new optometrist who told me i dont need them??? had sex on the first date: no broken someone’s heart: not that i know of turned someone down: ya cried when someone died: no fallen for a friend: no

in the last year have you: made a new friend: yes!! fallen out of love: nope laughed until you cried: yes  met someone who changed you: yes found out who your true friends were: yup found out someone was talking about you: dont think so kissed someone on your fb list: no

which is better: lips or eyes: lips hugs or kisses: both shorter or taller: taller romantic or spontaneous: both sensitive or loud: idr what i answered earlier but sensitive i think?? or a little bit of both hookup or relationship: depends on the person troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

first: best friend: her name was marie i was in kindergarten surgery: wisdom teeth sport i joined: archery vacation: canada

do you believe in: yourself: sometimes miracles: sometimes  love at first sight: sometimes  heaven: dont think so?

extras: how many people from your fb list do you know irl: all of them do you have any pets: no do you want to change your name: no what did you do for your last birthday: went to see bts with my best friend!! what time did you wake up today: like 6am and then i went back to sleep and woke up at 10 what were you doing last night at midnight: talking to my friend last time you saw your mom: she's sitting across from me right now what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i wish i wasn't so lazy or scared of everything have you ever talked to a person named tom: no what’s getting on your nerves: i answered this earlier 

i tag: idk anyone who wants to do it

[mintypothos]

@softlams please enjoy this fic! You mentioned having a bad mental health week, and I feel that on a deep level so I thought I’d try to write you something. It probably won’t do much, but I hope it makes you a bit happy to read! 

It’s laflams, because I know you’ve written it (your vampire fic was very good, also very painful) but I don’t see it around too much. It’s also probably too long. Please enjoy anyways! It’s not proofread either, sorry, I just kind of started writing to see where it got me.

Alexander's forearms were clear, devoid of any blemishes or markings. For the life of him, Alexander couldn't pin down the moment he realized that meant something.

Maybe it was the way his mother would stare at him, when she thought he wasn't looking. Or maybe it was the way she would kiss him on the cheek and call him perfect when his father caught a glance of bare arms and muttered something about Freshies. Of course, by the time he was young enough to be playing outside, he already knew to wear long sleeves or arm wraps.

The other kids at his hometown had crisp lines of varying colours- bright and beautiful. Some only had a handful, enough to easily count. Some had scores upon scores, lighting up the underside of their arms with shimmery rainbows. One kid only had six lines, and everyone kept pretending they were stupid. Alexander decided to keep his blank arms to himself.

Between the hurricane, his Dad leaving, and his Mom dying, Alexander didn't have time to think much of it. Then, Child Services shipped him up to the states because a 'family friend' Alexander had never heard about before had apparently been given his custody rights in the will.

The Child Services worker had a kind smile. Alexander didn't trust it.

“So, are you excited to see America?” the worker spoke in a light, almost baby-voice tone, even though Alexander was twelve.

Alexander shrugged. “I guess.” He fiddled with the straw of the juice box he'd been given. Apple was a good flavour, but he wanted to save it. The window of the plane still showed nothing but clouds, but Alexander kept staring out anyways.

“Well,” the worker cleared her throat. “I think it's very brave of you to go this far. You are being so good! And just think of all the things you'll be able to experience for the first time!”

If he craned his neck enough, Alexander could see the edge of the plane's wing out the back corner of the window. It was creamy white, like the cloudy background, but it was something different to look at.

It was quiet for another moment. Then, “It's okay that you're nervous, though. These things can be frightening, even for weathered souls.”

Alexander stiffened with discomfort, but didn't say anything.

--

America was weird, Alexander decided. George Washington was kind, but not patronizing like the worker. It was suspicious.

“So, you like writing?” George asked, raising a brow at the notebook Alexander was scribbling in. He wasn't even writing anything particular. Letters to a hypothetical person, because he didn't have friends but he needed to talk. Alexander didn't bother answering the obvious question.

George hummed, as if that was answer enough. Maybe it was. “What do you think about penpals? I know it's a little old fashioned, but I had great fun with it when I was young.”

Alexander stopped writing.

“You can speak and write in French, right?” It was probably in whatever notes or information George had been given before Alexander was foisted off on him. Still, Alexander nodded, unable to help a spark of curiosity. “Okay, good, because I know a boy just a couple of years older than you who wants to improve his English. He's from France.”

Alexander's eyes snapped up for the first time, meeting George's somewhat surprised face. “What's his name?”

If George was surprised at finally being addressed, he didn't show it. Instead, he smile with indulgence. “Gilbert du Motier, but he usually goes by Gil. He's very enthusiastic, I think you'll get along.”

“Enthusiastic about what?” The question slipped from Alexander's lips without him even thinking about it.

“Everything, really,” George chuckled, glancing away as if remembering something.

“Like?” Alexander demanded, stuffing his notepad back in his pocket. “Does he like writing too? And reading? What about math?!”

It took Alexander a moment to realize he was almost shouting, hands leaning on the table, something close to excitement swimming in his chest. George grinned. “Why don't you send him a letter and find out?”

“I will!” Alexander insisted. And then, he did.

The basic, cautious questions only lasted a few letters. Enthusiastic was an understatement, and Alexander loved it. Gilbert was interested in everything, excited to hear anything. In the interests of fairness, half the letters would be in French, and half in English. Alexander liked alternating the paragraphs, especially since George didn't know French at all and it was like a secret message.

Not that George snooped on the letters in the first place, but Alexander liked the feeling.

Alexander, it's simply ridiculous, what people keep saying. As if we weren't all New Souls once upon a time!

The rant was unexpected, even after a whole year of letters sent back and forth. Alexander had never told Gilbert about that.

I hate it. My cousin Adrienne is a New Soul, and everyone just calls her freshie and treats her like she doesn't know anything. Do they all remember things from their past lives that I can't? I have 192 marks, which is the most of anyone I know, and I don't feel any wiser. Adri is a lot smarter than me.

Hesitantly, because Alexander had never admitted it voluntarily, he answered.

I don't have any marks either and I'm at the top of my class. My birth dad used to say it was about common sense, because people who've lived more lives have better instincts.

Yeah, well, your birth dad is stupid. Science says everyone's brains are new brains, and that's where all the thinking and common sense and instincts happen. If your soul gets wiser with reincarnations, maybe you can only tell once you hit the afterlife.

It wasn't anything Alexander hadn't reasoned already. However, hearing the same thing from his best friend sent a warm feeling from the depths of his stomach, all the way up through his chest and out the unwitting smile he couldn't hope to get rid of.

--

Eventually, Alexander did make other friends. It was hard, since he really only had two social settings: the silent kid who barely acknowledged the rest of the class, or the argumentative kid who talked a mile a minute.

Hercules was the one friend that understood both. He had no problem encouraging Alexander's louder moods, and was equally happy to chat aimlessly while Alexander took a quiet moment. He was also taller and wider than Alexander, and none of the bullies ever bothered approaching when Herc was around.

“Hey, I think it's cool you keep your arms wrapped,” Hercules said one day during recess, after trading Alexander his fruit cup for a cheese string. “Everyone always wants to compare, it's so annoying.”

Alexander shrugged. “It doesn't mean anything. Maybe once they figure out why we get marks in the first place, then I'll care.”

“Yeah, that's fair. It sucks sometimes, though. I only have thirteen. But maybe it's not that I'm newer, just that it took longer to reincarnate. What do you think?” Hercules flipped his hands palm up. His weren't straight lines, like the kids back home. They were squiggly lines, mostly in cool tones of blue and purple. Some were a tight spring of squiggles, others a gentle wave.

“I think it shouldn't matter if you're new or not.” Alexander picked at the grass. The spring air was nice after such a crappy, cold winter.

Herc's glance was shocked as his shoulders flinched back. “You think so? My Grandma says that all the new souls lately are why the world is going to crap. Well, she used words my mom won't let me say, anways.”

The words were icy cold, even though Herc didn't know any better. He was just repeated something he'd heard. But it was wrong. Alexander stood up abruptly, spilling the remainder of his lunch on the grass. “Your grandma's wrong!” It came out far louder and far harsher than Alexander meant.

“What?” Hercules frowned, something strange in his expression. “How do you know?” His brows creased, volume raising a bit in turn.

“She probably only says that because she has a bunch of marks and it makes her feel better! It's not my fault I don't have any!”

Alexander knew the other kids liked to make fun of him by saying he didn't show his arms because he had no marks. He was pretty sure that was what Hercules thought too, thought he'd never asked. But it was different, saying it out loud. Herc went from looking angry, to looking shocked. His mouth opened, looking for words to say.

Alexander could only run away.

--

Alexander avoided Hercules, and Hercules let him. Maybe that was why it took only two days for Samuel Seabury to shove him in the back. Alexander fell like a particularly unprepared sack of potatoes.

“That's for calling me an idiot!” Samuel was scowling, hands crossed.

Alexander glared, scrambling to his feet. “I never said that!” Not that Samuel didn't deserve it- always going on and on about how great he was because his Dad ran a University.

“Yes, you did! The teacher gave you detention for it!”

Right, Alexander remembered. Instead of acknowledging it, Alexander rolled his eyes. “I got detention for saying my dog's smarter than you. Look, his memory's better than yours, too!”

Samuel's cheeks turned red, mouth scowling so hard it looked painful. “Yeah, well at least I'm not a Freshie! Everyone heard- you've got no marks!”

For maybe the first time, the insult didn't hurt Alexander. It made him mad. “That's it,” Alexander hissed, reaching for his arm wraps. With a few sharp tugs, they were loose, and Alexander threw the pointless strips of cloth to the ground. Samuel flinched back at the sight of plain, unblemished arms. “So what if I'm blank? I can still kick your ass!”

Samual never saw the fist coming, nor the subsequent body tackle. He did, however, anticipate the rest; and surprise attack or not, Samuel had a few inches on Alexander, and he was on the Rugby team. They grappled, screaming and yelling.

Neither of them were even using words. Alexander felt a hand wrench painfully on his hair. He tasted the salt and sweat of Samuel's upper arm as he bit down fiercely. His shoulder thumped painfully into the dirt as Samuel rolled them over and kicked Alexander in the stomach.

Alexander gasped, losing both the air in his lungs and the grip on Samuel's arms. Newly freed, they slapped wildly, uncoordinated but still painful. Samuel was practically screeching, Alexander spared a split second to wonder why they hadn't been stopped, throwing his arms up to protect himself.

A shape hurled into Samuel's side. For a brief moment, Alexander was certain that was the teacher, and he was about to get detention again, probably suspended, definitely a call-home to a disappointed George.

But, “it” wasn't adult shaped. “It” was shouting very much like another child. Alexander blinked. John Laurens, the freckled, bushy haired kid that everyone talked about because he should be in their year, but had to repeat 6th grade. Alexander had still been in Nevis in 6th grade, so he'd never so much as said a word to the other kid. There hadn't been much point.

Now, John- the kid Alexander had never looked at twice- was growing and clawing and smacking like a vengeful playground guardian. Alexander felt something light and fluttery flip inside his gut. He ignored it and joined in with his protector.

Of course they got caught. Alexander pulled off physically with a hand on his arm. John as well, hanging limply just to make it harder for the yard supervisor and bleeding from the nose. Alexander wiped at his own face- no blood, but some very sore flesh around his cheek. It would definitely bruise by the time George came to pick him up.

“This is very disappointing, the two of you ganging up  on poor Sam like that.” The supervisor huffed self importantly, dragging them to the office and plopping them down. “Just wait till the Principal gets here, your parents will be so disappointed.” The door sharply closed behind them. Alexander glanced about cautiously. The secretary in the reception desk at the far end of the room glared in pointed warning at them, but turned back to her work. The rest of the office was empty.

Alexander turned again, only to see John staring openly in excited fascination. “Hah, jokes on them, right?” He shot Alexander a toothy grin. “As if my foster parents give a shit what I'm up to.”

His eyes sparked rebellion. Alexander felt his tongue tying itself up. John didn't comment, instead, throwing out a hand. “John Laurens.”

“I know,” Alexander said, shaking the offered limb rather mechanically. “Uh, I mean, Alexander Hamilton.”

John's lips pressed together, but he was still smiling. Smirking, even. “I know. You're the new kid. If I'd known you were a newer soul too, I'd have talked to you ages ago.”

Alexander caught himself from flinching. Unbidden, his gaze dropped down. John's arm was completely blank. But then, he shifted, moving his other forearm into view. It wasn't blank, adorned with two blobby marks. They would have just looked like a strange birthmark, if not for their silvery sheen.

Alexander had never met someone with as few marks as that. From the exceedingly pleased look on John's face, the same held true for him. “Do you like video games? We should hang out, sometime.”

The resulting smile lit up John's entire face, bright like the sun. Alexander felt some foreign, bubbly emotion lighten his heart, nearly making him cave in from how sudden it was. He smiled back.

They didn't get to play video games, because Alexander was grounded for two weeks after George had to pick him up for a two days suspension. It didn't matter- after that, they were inseperable.

--

“I'm sorry,” Hercules tracked him down a week later, head pointed down at his shoes. “I shouldn't have said that. You're right, and I don't think I believe my Grandma anymore.”

“Um,” Alexander said, head whipping to John and back to Herc. He'd told John, of course, who'd been of the opinion that Hercules deserved to get punched. John didn't react though, continuing to eat his lunch like neither Hercules nor Alexander were there anymore.

Hercules scuffed a shoe. “You don't need to forgive me, I just feel really bad. I'm sorry for hurting you. Can we be friends again?”

John was looking away, pretending to be fascinated by the cloudy sky. His feet tapped against the soft earth. Alexander considered telling Hercules to go away, he had John now. But Herc was sorry, actually sorry, and new best friend or not, Alexander missed him.

Still, Alexander waited one long moment. Then, “Well, I didn't tell you.”

“It was still dumb of me!” Herc insisted, waving his hands. “I won't ever say anything like that again.”

“Okay,” Alexander smiled slowly as warm feelings replaces the tight stress of just moments ago. “I forgive you.”

“I'm- wait, really?!” Hercules glanced at John. “Can I eat here?”

Immediately dropping the pretense, John dropped his gaze from the sky and patted the ground next to him. “If you're Alex's friend, then you're my friend, too. Come sit!”

“Oh, you're okay with 'Alex', now?” Herc sat down almost too quick, immediately shifting into a comfortable position and sliding his lunchbox onto his lap. Alexander quickly remembered that, unlike John, Herc had been there on the first day of class when Alexander put up a huge fuss about anyone shortening his name.

Alexander couldn't stop the blush, but he could argue that this was a totally different situation, so he did.

--

 > So, should I be jealous of this Laurens character?

Alexander choked on his glass of lemonade. For a moment, he regretted giving Gilbert the contact information for his favourite chat client. He didn't really, though. At this point, they knew each other too well so stick to paper mail- cute and fun, but so, so long between messages.

< what's there to be jealous of?

Alexander swallowed. Nothing could have given him away, right?

> your crush on john obviously. How am I going to ever get to talk to you while you're consumed with the innocent notes of young puppy love?

Alexander rubbed his cheeks rather than let them burn. He was lucky there was no one else in the room.

< oh shut up you're like two years older than me

> two years and many, many experiences little lion.

> besides, you didn't deny it

His phone could probably handle being thrown across the room. Alexander considered the notion more seriously than perhaps wise. Instead, he pushed the phone away from him, under the covers.

--

When Alexander was 16, John still hadn't made any indication of returning any feelings. Alexander thought he was being more than obvious. So instead, he asked Eliza Schuyler out, because she was cute and funny and obviously liked him back.

John acted strange, when Alexander mentioned it.

“Are you okay?” Alexander was forced to ask, when John scuffed his shoe particularly loudly.

“Yeah, fine, fine,” John waved a hand, either in irritation or agitation or something else entirely. “That's really great! I'm happy for you!”

It almost sounded like John was jealous. That didn't make any sense though, he was never jealous when Alexander made a new friend, and he'd gotten a lot better at it now that they were in high school. Mostly with Aaron and Maria and Theodosia. There was no way John liked him either, Alexander would know.

“John's jealous because he likes you,” Herc said bluntly, as soon as John made an extremely awkward exit.

Alexander jumped about a foot in the air. Hurriedly, he reached for the back of the neck as if he'd simply been bitten by some bug. “There's no way John likes me like that. We're friends.” As much as Alex sometimes wished otherwise.

“Well,” Herc rolled his eyes, gesturing to himself, “we are friends. Me and John are friends too. But you and John are definitely something else. You're practically attached at the hip, and you both keep making gooey eyes.”

“Wh- no I don't- wait, John does!?” Alexander shifted his feet. There was no way.

“Yeah.” Herc looked at Alexander like he'd asked what two plus two equaled. “How did you not know? I thought you just liked Eliza more. Or that French guy.”

Alexander shifted. “Gil? No way. We're internet friends.” The idea embarrassed him for some reason. Gilbert was too old anyways. And in France.

Herc let out a long sigh, clapping Alexander on the back so hard he nearly toppled over, still not used to his frankly impressive growth spurt. Or maybe he was making a point. “You know what, I'll leave you to it. Frankly. I hope my potential romances aren't nearly this complicated.” He strode off, adjusting his beanie.

Alexander couldn't help but agree.

--

It was only a few months later when Eliza was the one to break it off.

“You're great, you know that? And I like you. But you don't like me back.” Eliza wiped a stray tear, visibly trying not to sniffle.

“That's not true!” Alexander wasn't lying. He did like Eliza. She was the kindest person he met, but just as willing to work for the things she wanted. She was funny and loved making awful puns. Alexander had enjoyed every outing with her.

Eliza turned her head away. “Maybe, but you obviously like John more. And that's fine! But I can't handle you always looking for him instead. I'm not- I can't share, I'm sorry.”

Alexander struggled for something to say. Over the years, he'd turned an honest reputation for being the loudest, most opinionated person at school. People still knew he was New Soul, but Alexander could debate circles around any of them so it didn't matter. He'd forced them all to look past that.

He wished he could force Eliza to look past this, but nothing came up. “I'm sorry.”

“Look, it's not my business anymore. Just don't talk to me for a while.” She scrubbed her eyes again and stood up. Alexander watched her go.

--

It wasn't all worked out, after that- not by a long shot. Everyone except for Herc and John seemed to blame Alexander a bit, for crushing the heart of the most well liked girl in their grade. Eliza's little sister Peggy, a small slip of a girl in grade 9, kicked him in the shins. Angelica, oldest Schuyler sister and all-around genius destined for Ivy League, sent him death glares for a solid week.

But, piece by piece, it got better. Alexander texted Gil for advice, ignoring the weird idea Herc had brought up.

> I guess there was something to fear then lol!

Alexander struggled to figure out what he was talking about for a moment, before realizing.

< oh come on, even if John actually wants to date me it's not like we won't stop being friends. I've been talking to you longer than anyone else

Gilbert took an extra long time to respond. Enough that Alexander worried, for a moment. Then finally,

> damn straight

> or damn gay rather

> damn bi

> point is go confess already

Alexander laughed.

< if I go get rejected you have to watch some terrible comfort movies with me. Thru a stream so there's no escape.

> if you get rejected I'll fly over to DC to comfort u personally. Im loaded I can totally do it

< no you cant shut up

Gilbert was 18, sure, but he was still in his final year of Lycée, French highschool. The words did their job though, Alexander felt much better.

He confessed to John. Rather than a simple yes or no, John first stared blankly. Then burst into tears. Then pulled Alexander in for a kiss, before wildly apologizing for overstepping.

Alexander stilled. Slowly, he reached a hand to his lips, considering the situation. A giggle bubbled up, then another. John joined in, and the next thing Alexander knew they'd burst into manic laughter, cackling and holding each other for support.

John slipped a tentative hand into Alexander's. It was the left arm- the one with the two marks. Alexander thought his blank arm matched John's nicely.

--

They turned seventeen, still going strong. Alexander tried desperately to skip a year and go into University early. He wanted to advance, needed to, even. Despite the necessary separation should they succeed, John was with him every step of the way. He was also with Alexander when the rejections came.

George- Dad, by now- was there too, to both rail at the school and to assure Alexander that it wasn't the end of the world.

“They let Aaron Burr do it last year,” Alexander reminded again, probably once more than was necessary.

“I know,” His Dad rested a hand on his shoulder. “But think of it this way, that's an extra, what, full year? You can round out your volunteer experience before your workload really picks up, and plus, you  can spend more time with John.”

“Yeah,” Alexander smiled, considering the idea. “I guess.” Still, in the back his mind, he wondered if it wasn't because his old nemesis Samuel's Dad was still the school's president. But that would be reaching.

--

> Hey, I have something to confess.

Alexander's heart clenched. He had no idea what this was about. But Gilbert was his oldest friend, so he pushed forward anyways.

< yeah, what's up?

Gilbert didn't answer, for a while. Alexander typed out another query.

< Gil? You okay?

Another long pause. Alexander had to physically stop himself from adding a third message.

> I don't think I want to be called Gilbert anymore.

Alexander felt almost physically thrown off balance. For a moment, Alexander considered the statement, searching his memory for anything he'd missed. Suddenly, he remembered the fact that Gi- his friend, had specifically referred to himself as “dude” and “person” for a while now, when “guy” would usually be used.

< what would you like to be called?

A long pause again.

> I think I like Lafayette.

> our family name used to be Lafayette, when we were French nobility. It sounded nice to me.

It sounded nice to Alexander, too. Maybe it was because Lafayette (Alexander corrected his brain), liked it.

> also, can you use they/them for me now?

Alexander couldn't type his response out faster.

< of course! If you want to talk about it at all, I'm always ears

> always fingers, you mean

< no that sounds super dirty

> (;

A by now more familiar bubbling feeling pulsed in Alexander's core, unasked. They trusted him enough to come out to him. He was touched- and maybe, with a slight crush. Lafayette was two years older and an adult, plus Alexander had John. Quietly, he shoved the feelings away.

--

John was both ice and fire. It was stupid and poetic, but it was true. Alexander could go on about his thoughts on the matter, of the art that was his very being, flaws and all. Secretly, he'd never really thought it would work for so long. Keeping John was like keeping  Hummingbird- you couldn't cage him, you just had to hope you were good enough to stick around.

Perhaps he'd been underestimating John, or overestimating himself, because they stayed together all through senior year and all the various friend group breakups. Aaron dated Theodosia for longer than Alexander and John had even been together, and broken up so peacefully that Alexander hadn't noticed for a month- it didn't help that Aaron was off to school a year early, and Princeton at that. Maria and Eliza were together still of course, a match better than Alexander had ever been, while Herc had briefly dated some guy from another school named James Madison.

They did fight, of course. Both of them were the fighting type. But it was always small, never too hard to overcome. Alexander loved his boyfriend, and so did his Mom and Dad. It was perfect.

Even so, Alexander could not hold back a flash of deep fear when he got accepted to King's college, and John didn't.

“Hey, don't worry about it,” John was grinning, swinging back and forth on the old tire swing at their house. “You'll call often, right?”

“How are you so calm about this!?” Alexander scratched at his head, inadvertently pulling strands of hair from his hair tie.

John scooted up the tire, until his knees were in the seat and his arms crossed overtop the tire, around the rope. The hold resulted in the swing tilting back far too much due to imbalance, but John held on anyways like he couldn't even tell, years of gymnastic lessons paying off.

“I trust you,” John said simply. “And besides, it's not that far. I'm definitely visiting, like all the time.”

“Really? And you're not mad that I'm going to school without you?”

John laughed. “Yeah, I think I came to terms with that reality long ago.” It was easy for John to smile, but Alexander frowned, uncomfortable with the reminder that John had struggled so much academically. John had, of course, always maintained that there was no way he'd be able to focus if Alexander was the one trying to tutor him, so of course Alexander had backed off.

“Besides, I never wanted to keep going to school like you do.”

“Wait,” Alexander made a double take, “You're going straight to work?”

“Oh, no, I wish.” John stuck his tongue out. “ my grades are good enough for community college. I just don't think I'm going for any four year programs, you know? You enjoy yourself, learning things, changing the world. I'm just going to find something I don't hate doing.”

The words startled a laugh out of Alexander. Impulsively, he leaned down to kiss John, softly on the lips. John hummed, and deepened it. Alexander parted his lips slightly, eagerly- and was met by empty air. The bottom of the tire swung into Alexander's hips as John lost his grip and fell gracelessly into the dirt. Alexander fell not a second later, not expecting the sudden tire assault.

They stared at each other for a moment. Then, John started cackling. Alexander joined him.

--

Alexander went to school for a degree Economics, with plans to set up a minor in Political Science, if he could manage it. John went to school for a diploma in Child and Youth work.

“Only because they didn't have underwater basket weaving,” John insisted for the third time, determined to use the joke as much as possible. “My dreams are still crushed. Besides, I've lived through it, so I'm basically half qualified already. It'll be a breeze.”

John sounded flippant, but his eyes were soft, his lips quirked in what should have been a careless smirk, but looked more like a thoughtful smile.

“Don't pretend you don't care,” Alexander admonished lightly.

“You can't make me.” John stuck his tongue out. Alexander considered the challenge, then considered the scholarship applications on his laptop. He closed the laptop lid and lunged.

After a fruitful struggle of kisses and tickles and mock wrestling, John relented. “Fine, I care. You're a huge dork.”

“I'm your dork,” Alexander agreed.

--

“John, John,” Alexander whispered, tugging on his boyfriend's sleeve. “John. JohnJohnJohn.”

John snorted. “What?” His eyes danced, he knew exactly what was wrong.

“I feel like I'm going to throw up,” Alexander admitted. The airport was a pleasant, perfect temperature, the air surprisingly clean tasting, for an airport.

John turned his head back and forth. “Well, there's a trashcan over there. Do you think you'll need it?”

Alexander glanced at it, considering that he actually might need it. But he shook his head instead. “No, just don't stop holding me, okay?” Their hands were already clasped tight, probably causing John some discomfort.

“Always,” John said, giving Alexander's hand another squeeze. Alexander grinned as best as he could through his nerves. The baggage notice for the flight they were waiting for was lit, they just had to wait for the passengers to filter through.

Alexander was twenty years old and he shouldn't be this nervous. John wasn't judging him though, and neither could anyone else.

How often did one meet their oldest friend, someone they'd been talking to since they were twelve, for the first time ever?

A head, several inches taller than most of the crowd, covered in bouncy, tied back curls and matched with a face Alexander had only seen through pictures, pushed through the open doors. They started scanning the crowd immediately.

Alexander wasn't about to wait for that. “Lafayette!” He waved his arm wildly, nerves suddenly replaced by pure elation. How could he be nervous? This was Lafayette.

“Alexander!” They shouted back, voice familiar only through phone calls. It sounded even better in person. They ran, long legs carrying them almost dangerously fast, and suddenly Alexander found himself swinging circles in the air, arms holding him tight. “Little Lion! We meet at last!”

Alexander laughed, not because it was funny, but because he was feeling too many emotions. “Laf, oh my god, how are you so tall?!”

“How are you so little! I never thought my pet name would be so appropriate!” Lafayette laughed too, high pitched and gleeful. “It's so good to meet you!”

With a soft “oof,” Alexander felt himself set back on solid ground. “You don't get to steal my lines!” He admonished, unable to even attempt hiding a wide grin. Lafayette looked great in person, practically bursting with earnest energy, though that could also be due to them being consumed by the same nerves Alexander had. “Oh! Meet John!” Without even thinking, he tugged Lafayette's hand toward his boyfriend, who was standing to the side with a dazed, almost gaping look to his face.

“John Laurens,” John offered quickly, throwing a hand out.

Lafayette took it gently, giving it a light shake and, if possible, brightening even more. “Lafayette du Motier. A pleasure to meet you.”  They gave their best charming smile. Alexander would have been fooled, if he hadn't been there when Lafayette was desperately trying to perfect it and demanding pointers.

“Don't fall for it John, they're being a nerd.” Alexander shook his head in mock shame. “Their smooth moves are all a lie.”

Lafayette scrunched their nose, before tilting their head up with a very fake scoff. “You only wish. There is no lie, just good presentation.”

“Oh, same thing. You're still a nerd.” Alexander shoved Lafayette with one arm, the motion feeling natural. Lafayette took it gracefully, following the movement with their eyes, but failing to avoid it.

“Well, I will not deny that,” Lafayette conceded, bringing a finger to their chin in thought. “Can I not be both?” They shot Alexander another smile, only smaller and softer. Alexander wondered if the video calls from all these years really had lost something in the digital transfer. Their face had never lit up so beautifully over the computer screen, had it?

“Lies, all of it,” Alexander said instead. Lafayette laughed, the sound going straight to his heart.

--

“So... they were something.” John said afterwords, after they'd all hung out and shown them around town and found their exchange student housing, still with something of a shell shocked expression.

Alexander snorted. “Laf's something all right. But don't let them fool you, remember the frog.”

That did the trick. John snorted so loudly it sounded painful. “Oh, God,” He chuckled. And then froze in the middle of his walk. Alexander turned back at the absence of John's body by his side.

“Wait, so if you told me about the frog incident...” John frowned. “ Did you tell them about the turtle incident?”

Alexander barely considered the question, shrugging. “Of course. I tell them everything. Just like I tell you everything.”

Alexander frowned when that failed to get John moving again. “Oh, my God,” he moaned.

“What? Was it bad that I told them? Did you ask me not to share and I forgot? I'm sorry.” Alexander flipped his hands nervously, combing for any such memory. He couldn't remember if John had ever said it was not okay, but he couldn't remember an explicit go ahead, either.

“No, no!” John stepped forward, leaning his shoulder into Alexander's. Immediately, he calmed at the simple contact. “I just, it feels embarrassing now that I've met them.”

“Really?” Alexander asked, confused.

“Well,” John said with a soft hum, looking away. Alexander saw a hint of red by his lower jaw, half covered by a loose coil of hair. “They were very pretty.”

Alexander pictured Lafayette, preciously vivid in his memory. From the striped, high waisted skirt to the soft knitted sweater to the charming, knee high dress boots. “Yeah,” Alexander agreed, “They really are.”

The thought of John finding his other best friend attractive probably should have made Alexander at least a little uncomfortable. Instead, it felt right. His old crush stirred back up, rearing its head after years of pointed neglect.

With John looking like he'd just seen stars for the first time, Alexander didn't feel as bad about it as he used to. Still, he tucked it away.

--

The glamour faded after the first week. It was always going to happen. The way Lafayette slotted so easily into both their lives, however, was less predictable. Alexander was constantly surprised by just how easy it was.

Then, the subject of marks came up.

“Holy shit,” John stared blankly at Lafayette's forearms, exposed for the first time on an overwarm fall afternoon, in the privacy of Alexander's rented room. They were absolutely layered in geometric shapes, sparkling golds and bronzes and yellows that folded over each other, leaving no hint of their natural skin underneath.

Lafayette glanced away, moving their arms down and the marks out of view. “I don't like making a big deal about it.”

“You're covered in them, though. How many?”

Lafayette shifted, frowning. Alexander frowned too. John knew it wasn't nice to go and ask, just because they were both so open about their counts.

“A hundred and ninety two.”

John whistled. “I've never seen a number so high.” There was something not entirely kind in his voice. “So, do you feel any wiser than us mortal folk?”

Lafayette flinched. “John!” Alexander shouted, ice tightening his spine with a death grip. A lance of immediate stress pierced his gut. “What the fuck, don't say that!”

John stood up, eyes flaring above frustrated, tight lips. “You never told me they were a fucking Golden Age Soul!”

Alexander stood up too, angry but with a tangled ball of pure hurt tightening around his heart. “I didn't think it mattered! Since when do we care about mark count!?”

“Since always! They're the one who has the luxury of pretending not to care, and then turning around and treating us like children!”

Negative emotions swirled and mixed together, and Alexander wasn't sure what he was feeling anymore, except upset. “Laf's not like that! You know that!”

John clenched his teeth with a sharp snap. “No I don't.”

“Then trust me now! Laf hasn't done anything wrong!”

John's eyes sparked as he opened his mouth, almost certainly not to apologize. Alexander didn't get to hear it however, as Lafayette threw a hand up in the air.

“Please. I don't want to be the cause of your fight.” Lafayette scrambled to their feet, grabbing their backpack and shoving the work they had been doing away haphazardly.

“No, Laf, don't go, John's the one being-”

“It's okay,” Lafayette cut him off. “You guys can talk it out. I'll see you later.” And before Alexander could really protest, they were out the door.

“You scared them off,” Alexander said calmly, too cold now to shout.

“Whatever,” John scoffed, rolling his eyes.

Alexander bit his lip. “I really don't want to see you right now. Can you go home?”

“Seriously!?”

“Yeah. Please leave me alone.” Alexander was being extremely short. He didn't care.

John left silently, the only sound being the front door slamming louder than strictly necessary. Alexander curled up in his bed, homework forgotten.

He didn't sleep well.

--

Alexander didn't do anything like the silent treatment, but he did hang out less with John, and the times they were together were tense and filled with tip-toeing words. Alexander spent more time with Lafayette.

“I feel where he's coming from,” Lafayette admitted, after they had spent hours visibly struggling not to bring the topic up. Alexander hadn't said anything about John today, but immediately he knew who Lafayette was talking about. “I don't think I'd be comfortable meeting another Golden age soul either.

Alexander huffed. “Who cares if you've lived more than a hundred and fifty lives. You've been my friend for years, that should be enough for him not to throw you under the bus the second he realizes.”

“You may have known me for years, but he's only heard about me. It's hard to build trust second hand like that. He means well.”

“No he doesn't. He just heard something about you, something we've spent years trying to prove is irrelevant, and used it as an excuse to be nasty.”

Lafayette shrugged, falling onto the bed, beside Alexander. “Your John is not necessarily completely wrong, though. It's true that you and Adri helped me learn a lot about people with New souls, or nearly new. But at the end of the day, people are still going to look at me and think they're seeing some paragon of wisdom and worldly knowledge.”

Alexander didn't like the words, but they weren't wrong. Silver aged souls, those with over a hundred marks, were considered valuable, very useful people. Something of a living heritage, and something of a natural talent. Golden aged souls, with more than a hundred and fifty marks, were that, dialed up to the extreme.

“He still didn't need to be such a jerk about it.”

“Maybe not. But you can see why he felt betrayed.”

“Maybe,” Alexander repeated.

Lafayette sighed, sitting up again. “Little lion, you should show me more of your strange foreign foods. Like the ridiculous amount of sugar-based breakfast cereals.”

Alexander accepted the topic change thankfully, turning his head to more pleasant thoughts.

--

Several more weeks of stress went by. Then finally, John cornered Alexander one day, despite looking like he'd rather be anywhere else.

“Look, Alex. I was being shitty. You're right. I just- why didn't you ever say anything?”

Alexander wasn't expecting the question. For a moment, he considered shooting back angrily, something like 'because I knew you'd react like this'. But it wasn't true, and Alexander was tired of being on nervous eggshells around his boyfriend.

“I'm not sure. It just never came up.” That didn't sound right either. Alexander felt strange the more he thought about it.

“It never came up. In all the debates and arguments we've made against the whole soul marking business.” John said in a dry, disbelieving voice.

“Yeah, true. I guess I just buried it. Maybe I was embarrassed?” Alexander thought some more. “We always said things like 'new souls have to stick together', and such. Maybe I just didn't want to feel like a hypocrite. But Lafayette really is my friend. It doesn't matter how many marks they have.”

“Oh,” John wiped his eyes. “I'm an asshole, aren't I?”

“Yes,” Alexander said immediately. “To Laf, anyway. But I should have told you forever ago.”

John coughed, wiping his face again. “True. I'm sorry for being a dick.”

“You really should apologize to Lafayette instead,” Alexander cautioned, because he couldn't really accept an apology that wasn't actually for him, “But thanks.”

They sat awkwardly for a minute, just staring. John finished covertly removing the tears from his face. Finally, Alexander couldn't stand it anymore. “Can I hug you, now?”

John answered by practically leaping from his chair to Alexander's seat on the bed. For the first time in weeks, Alexander's arms were full of John, his nose scrunched into long, curly hair as hands threaded their way through Alexander's own straighter brown locks. Legs straddled his lap as their torsos pressed together.

Alexander had missed feeling John's heartbeat. His whole body relaxed into the hold, arms slipping easily around John's sides and pulling them even closer together.

“I promise I'll apologize tomorrow,” John said into Alexander's ear, chin resting on his shoulder. “But for tonight, can we just sit here like this? I missed you.”

That sounded like a perfect plan to him.

--

John was true to his word. Lafayette responded with a full body hug. For the first time in weeks, Alexander felt the last of the tension drain from his chest. Giddy with relief, he suggested they all go out and get drunk.

They couldn't decide where to go, so instead they went to the liquor store and bought supplies to Alexander's house.

His flatmate, an annoying man by the name of Thomas Jefferson, gave them some snacks from his supply but stole a cooler in return.

“Asshole,” Alexander muttered when Thomas was gone. “How does someone have this many kinds of chip flavours at once. There's not that much floor space in our rooms.”

“Shh, he's doing us a favour,” Lafayette admonished, smiling. “I think he's very pleasant when he wants to be.

“That's the thing,” John said, projecting from across the room where he was working off the cork on a bottle of wine that claimed to be from somewhere around Lafayette's hometown. Lafayette had also claimed they would be able to tell for sure. Naturally, they had to get it. “He never wants to be.”

Alexander barked out a sharp laugh. “Except!” John added, holding a finger up, “around Madison.”

“ohhh shit, you're right.” Alexander nodded. “He is way, way more tolerable around Madison. A lot goopier, though.”

John stepped over to split the bottle between the three of them. In true college life fashion, they used beer cups. Lafayette pouted. “It really does taste completely different in a proper glass.”

“Not a chance,” John quipped. Alexander couldn't help another warm, fuzzy feeling, the two probably most important people in his life interacting, happy. “It's just a cup. It can't possibly change the taste, that's a chemical thing, isn't it?”

Lafayette scoffed, swirling their wine around dramatically. “Taste is a chemical thing, sure, but it is also a presentation thing. Have you not heard the phrase “you eat with your eyes first”? Your perception of a food has a definite effect on how you taste it. Or drink, in this case.”

Visibly intrigued, John set down his cup, folding his arms. “Really? You think if I was given two plates of the same dish, and it was the exact same food in every way except for presentation, I could tell? Like I'd be fooled by that.”

“Absolutely. Try mixing a bit of green food colouring with some mashed potatoes. I guarantee you will feel some difference, and it won't be the colouring itself, which is designed to not taste.”

“We should,” Alexander said, butting in. “But first, you should put your money where your mouth is. Is that wine legit?”

Lafayette shrugged, closed their eyes, and took a long sip. They swished it around their mouth, a considering expression on their face. Alexander scoffed- it was pure theatrics. Then, Lafayette swallowed, then broke into a grin.

“It totally is!” They snorted. “Try it!”

Alexander took a sip. John made a gagging noise from behind. “It's gross!” He wasn't wrong.

“It's the shit wine! The super cheap crap made with the grapes they can't use for the good stuff! Hah, I'd recognize it anywhere.” Lafayette took another swig. “I love it.”

Alexander took another sip. No, it was still the most disgusting wine he'd ever tasted. “You can have mine.” Alexander set his cup next to Lafayette.

“Same,” John copied him, leaving Lafayette 3 cups. “Well, I guess that's fair. It was pretty cheap for a French import.”

“Oh no, this won't do,” Lafayette grinned, “I can't just have a whole bottle of wine. Not unless you two are drinking something. What if I'm taken advantage of?”

“What if that's the goal?” John smirked, returning the jab. It made Lafayette laugh. Alexander felt warm and fuzzy again.

Alexander stood up to go check out the stockpile himself. “It's too late John, we've been foiled. Now, do you want a beer or cooler?”

John considered for a moment. “Cooler.”

It didn't take long for all of them to get a pleasant buzz, perhaps more than that. John found some internet videos to watch and all three of them stretched out on the bed.

There was a pause between videos as the queue app loaded. Lafayette took a deep breath from Alexander's right. “You know, I'm not sure which of you I'm jealous of.”

“Um,” Alexander said.

John leaned forward from Alexander's left, similarly baffled. “What?”

Lafayette loosed a sharp breath from their mouth, covering their face with one hand. “This is stupid. When I first got here, I was jealous of you, John, for having Alexander. Now, I'm still that, but I'm also jealous of you, Alexander, for having John.”

Alexander felt his face heat up. “Ah, this is inappropriate. I don't mean to make either of you uncomfortable.”

“No!” John sat up more fully. “Are you kidding? I have a huge crush on you too!” He wilted a bit. “Why do you think I overreacted?”

“Well,” Alexander felt something hopeful stir in his chest. “Why do you think I got so defensive? God, I've crushed on Laf for at least a couple years.” He turned to Lafayette. “And then, when you came her for the first time? It was- it was poetic.”

Lafayette huffed again, averting their eyes. “Stop, you're making me blush.” They took a quick swig of their drink. “I suppose we all like each other. I'd never do anything to hurt your relationship though, you know that, right?”

It was a touching thing to say. Reassuring, by definition. Still, Alexander felt a little sad, hearing it. His love for John wasn't diminished in the slightest, but the idea of having Lafayette too- of both of them having Lafayette- tickled his mind.

John was changing the topic though, and Lafayette was eagerly taking it, so Alexander put the thought away.

--

“You're all idiots.” Hercules told him, blankly. Alexander felt like they'd had this conversation already, somehow. “Talk to John about it, then talk to Lafayette. It's that simple, and I bet you anything they'd both want to give it a try.”

Alexander whined. “Herc, it's not that simple. What if it freaks John out?”

“You've been together since highschool, I think it's going to take more than that to scare him off!” Hercules reached for his iced drink. It was way too cold for an iced drink today.

“Oh, how do you know?”

Hercules snorted. “Well, you know Aaron, right?” Alexander scowled. Aaron was actually a pretty good guy, if a bit shifty and suspiciously quiet all the time. He was also dating Hercules now, which was just weird. “Aaron told me he was polyamorous. It didn't change that we're still in a monogamous relationship right now.”

Alexander shifted back, taken by surprise. “Really? And he's okay with you just telling me this?”

“He specifically told me it was fine, so yeah.”

“Huh,” Alexander sat back in his chair. “And are you polyamorous, you think?”

Hercules shrugged. “I'm..,” He brought up a hand, making a so-so gesture. “I think, if we both met the right person, I could try dating both of them. But it doesn't have to work that way either, Aaron can date someone that I'm not. We agreed the someone has to at least be someone I like and can hang out with, though.

Alexander hummed, an unconscious considering noise. “That sounds.. simple, when you put it like that.”

“Well,” Hercules smirked, “my boyfriend is very smart. Maybe it's rubbed off on me.”

“Hah!” Alexander laughed, “If eight years of being my friend couldn't do anything, I doubt a few months of dating Aaron could.”

“Hey, shut up!” Hercules pretended to scowl through a round of chuckles. “I'm in the middle of a nursing degree! That's hardcore science stuff, you know!”

“Yeah, your welcome.” Alexander's response probably deserved the friendly shove. It didn't stop Alexander from shoving back.

--

When Alexander quietly brought it up, John nearly jumped over himself in agreement.

“Yes! I mean please! I mean, I didn't want to overstep because I love you, but I would very much like to kiss Laf too.”

“Well,” Alexander said, slightly taken aback. “I'd like it to involve more than kissing, if you're okay with that. I want to date them like I'm dating you.”

John nodded. “No, I know. I think for me, I like Laf. I definitely think they're gorgeous. I don't have the same background with them as you do, but I think we could get along and I'd like to try dating them too.”

“Okay,” Alexander considered his next option. He hadn't thought it would come so quickly. It was obvious John had an aesthetic crush on Lafayette, but he'd never known there were other feelings involved.

Then again, Alexander remembered that he hadn't known about John's crush on him, way back in high school. Privately, Alexander considered that he might just be very bad at this.

They went to Lafayette the next day, together, at a coffeeshop under the idea that it would feel less like cornering.

They didn't speak for a long time. Then,

“You both like me?”

“Yea-” “yes!-” They both tripped over themselves.

Lafayette averted their eyes, pulling at the sleeve of their colourful, neon sweater- an uncharacteristic show of nerves. “You're sure? You're not... concerned about my marks?”

“Absolutely not!” John cut out before Alexander could put a word in edgewise. “I was dumb. And sure, I have an issue with old souls, maybe especially with Silvers or Golds. But I like you, a lot. No one's past lives define them, though. What I have an issue with is the social attitude around the whole subject, and how it changes the way people treat each other.”

Lafayette allowed a tiny smile. “Yeah, that's fair. It's also not as if it saves me from other social attitudes. Like, did you know once someone walked up to me and said I must be confused about my gender because so many past lives must have scrambled me up?” The words made Alexander light up with immediate defensive anger.

“Ugh,” John nodded. “What a fucker. Did you punch him?”

“No, it was the person approving me for the exchange. I did think it was silly though, since before he knew, he was talking about all the sights I must have seen in my lives. It was a very dramatic shift.”

John made a disgusted face. “It's the worst when they have something you need, I feel you on that.”

“So,” Alexander said, when the two of them had gone quiet. “Will you go out with us?” Just saying the words made his stomach flip. He was chasing what he wanted- they all were.

“I-”, Lafayette stuttered. “Yes. I'd love to.”

It was as simple as that.

--

-Epilogue-

Life carried on, it always did. Still, Alexander never thought he'd have a freshly bought home with his two partners and best friends. He also didn't think that it would have a back patio this nice, or a pool; but when put all together, their inheritances and incomes were considerably impressive.

“I'm scared, sometimes,” Lafayette said quietly, ankles submerged in pristine pool water.

“Is this a life thing, or a void thing?” John asked from the patio chair.

Alexander considered both statement and question, drifting aimlessly in a pool tube. “I guess you could map all fears into those two categories.”

Lafayette hummed. “Actually, both, kind of. You know there's never, in the history of modern science, and by all historical counts, been a person with more than 203 total lives, or 202 marks, right?”

“Oh. Yeah.” Alexander nodded. “Weird stuff.”

“And you also know that even thousands of years ago there were accounts of people with close to the maximum mark count, so you know it's not any kind of “there's only been 203 lifespans worth of humans” Creationist thing.”

Alexander and John both snorted in unison.

“Well, the dominant theory is that it's because after many lives, your soul just expires. Sometimes earlier, because there's a disproportionately small number of people who actually make it this far. But 203 is the upper limit.” Lafayette kicked their foot, creating a small splash. “I know I won't be able to remember either of you, in the next life. But I'm kind of scared to think that you two will go on to so many lives that I won't get to be a part of. Because my souls going to decompose or something.”

The thought was heavy. Alexander thought for something to say. “Well, you know, there's no proof that some reincarnation chains don't just stop at very early numbers too. It's less likely, but maybe John and I will wither away while you go to live all the way to 203. It's impossible to tell.”

“You're both being way too philosophical. I say, the essence of what's really you and me begins and ends with our physical bodies. My next life isn't me, it's just some new sucker I passed my weird, metaphysical 'essence-of-human' off to. Live life while you can, and all that.”

“Hah!” Lafayette barked out a surprised laugh. “I have never heard something so morbid be used for comfort.”

“Hmm,” John considered. “Did it work, though?”

“...Yes, actually.”

Alexander considered the idea. Maybe you really only did live once. For all that people had these marks, souls were still undefinable. If soul marks didn't exist, Alexander suspected that no one would believe in souls at all.

The thought was morbid. Alexander found himself liking it anyways.

[walkerstormfanworks-blog]

Are you taking prompts for TCO verse? Would you ever write something where an ex or someone tries to get at Alexander and ends up hurting him (something minor like a twisted wrist from getting grabbed) before the secret service or George can intervene? Mostly I just wanna see your George go all mega protective/possessive for Alex :)

Here you go Nonny! 

The crowd was insane, Alexander thought to himself. Between the people and the Secret Service agents and the music it was hard to figure out what he was supposed to focus on. 

“Alexander!” He heard Eliza’s voice and turned toward it.

He grabbed the head of his security detail’s sleeve and tugged on it. “Over there.” 

“Ma’am?” The agent stared at him. 

“The Equal Rights Commission group is over there,” Alexander nodded toward where Eliza was frantically bouncing up and down, waving her arms over her head. 

Her alpha, Maria, was behind her, holding their omega son James and smiling at her wife. 

“Alexander.”

“Where the crazy woman in the rainbow colored t-shirt is jumping up and down like a maniac,” Alexander pointed at Eliza. 

“Ahh.” The security agent nodded. “I see her now. She’s… Hard to miss, isn’t she?” 

“Sometimes,” Alexander said, grinning, “we short people have to make up for our lack of height in creative ways.” 

“There’s Eliza,” George said suddenly and began tugging him toward his former boss. 

“Yes,” Alexander said, linking his fingers with his husband’s. “Nice of you to catch on dear.”

“I was distracted,” George said and nudged his shoulder. 

Alexander turned to see a person dressed in a giant uterus costume— on stilts— and covered in pink glitter. The uterus person was carrying a sign that said Just because I have one of these, doesn’t mean I don’t deserve Human Rights written on it in pink glitter. 

Alexander tilted his head and tried to figure out how the person inside had managed to get that far along the parade route, considering they were wearing a rather realistic looking uterus. Except for the glitter of course. 

But he could see why George was distracted. 

They made their way over to where Eliza and the rest of his former coworkers were and Alexander forgot all about the crazy person on stilts. He hugged Eliza and cooed at baby James. George unbuckled their babies from the stroller and soon it was a giant game of pass and coo as babies were swapped and spoiled and adored. 

Gus shit on Maria and George looked up to see George and Lafayette with their heads bent toward Aaron Burr. Of course, the alphas had congregated up together, the security detail surrounding them. 

“I’ll get—” Adrienne started. 

“I’ll do it,” Alexander said as he made his way over to the stroller and started rooting through the diaper bag for supplies. 

“I’ll change him,” Maria called out. “I don’t mind. You guys talk.” 

“Thanks Sweetheart,” Eliza said as Alexander pulled out the diapers and wipes and passed them over. 

The boys would probably be hungry soon so he’d need to grab their bottles from the cooler pack. God knew nobody at Omega Pride would care about him breastfeeding the boys in public but the last thing he needed was that picture making it into the international news. Omega bodies were beautiful but Alexander preferred to keep his out of the news media if he could help it. 

He unzipped the cool pack and reached for a bottle. 

A hand grabbed his wrist and he froze. Every bit of safety training he’d learned when George was campaigning for President forgotten.

“Alexander,” a rough voice said and tugged on his wrist.

He turned and there was John Laurens, his hair longer than Alexander had seen it before, and dark circles under his eyes. He was in a worn out t-shirt and a pair of jeans. Not the scrubs he’d normally worn when he manned the Omega Health Clinic booth.

“John.”

“Oh Alexander.” He was pulled, roughly, into the other man’s arms and squeezed.

It felt… wrong.

This wasn’t his alpha. This was a different alpha. An alpha that wouldn’t care for him. An alpha that would put his boys at risk. He’d steal Alexander and keep him away from George and the boys and—

Two strong hands grabbed his back and Alexander was jerked backwards, into his alpha’s chest while a group of Secret Service agents wrestled John to the ground.

Alexander took a deep breath, filling his lungs with George’s scent and tried to calm his racing heart “Let him go,” he whispered quietly. 

“Alexander,” George growled. “He grabbed you.”

“He was hugging me,” Alexander said, calm again now that he knew George would keep him safe. “We’re friends. That’s John. From the Health Clinic. We used to work together when I was at the ERC.” 

“He’s right,” Eliza said quietly. “Alexander and John used to work on joint health initiatives back when they were both still working. Although, John doesn’t work for the clinic anymore.”

“Alexander,” the alpha he used to share his heats with yelped from underneath the pile of armed security agents intent on melding his face with the pavement. 

“Tell them I’m not a terrorist. I’m a friend.”

“Guys,” Alexander coughed. “I know him. You can let him up.”

“Sir?” They looked at George and Alexander felt rage clawing at his belly at the way they completely disregarded him and went to his alpha for approval instead. George didn’t say anything.

Alexander turned in his husband’s arms and glared at him. “Let him up.”

“I’ve been trying to see you,” John bleated out and Alexander fought the urge to sigh as he saw jealousy flare in George’s eyes.

Stupid alphas. Stupid. Stupid Alphas. The entire lot of them.

“George,” Alexander said, his voice low. “Let him up.”

“Isn’t that the alpha you were dating before me?” George growled. “The one who left you—”

Alexander narrowed his eyes at his husband. “Are you suggesting that you think I’m being unfaithful to you?”

George’s eyes widened and his shoulder’s slumped slightly, his spine softening as he relaxed. “No.”

“Then let him up,” Alexander said.

“Fine,” George said. “Let him up.”

“Sir.” One of the agents was holding what looked like John’s driver’s license. “He’s a convicted felon. Who’s tried to contact the First Omega multiple times.”

“Don’t let him up.”

“George.”

“I was just trying to check on you,” John’s voice was muffled by the agents still on top of him. “I wanted to make sure Alexander was safe.”

“Alexander— and our sons— are fine,” George growled.

“But their father might not be if he doesn’t stop acting like an ass,” Alexander snapped. “Let him up George.”

“Fine.” George relented. “Let him up.”

The agents pulled John to his feet but didn’t let go of him.

“Alexander,” John said, his eyes wide. “Tell them I’m not a risk.”

“You should go,” he said quietly as he looked at the other alpha. “It was good to see you, John, but you need to go. Before someone notices what’s going on.”

Two of the agents quietly escorted John away and Alexander turned to glare at George. “I’m not sure what makes me more angry. That you didn’t tell me John was trying to contact me or the fact that you wouldn’t let him up.”

“The first,” Lafayette said quietly, “would be my fault. I told them not to bother you or the President with the request.”

“But—”

“He’s a convicted drug felon,” Lafayette shrugged. “You can’t receive him in the White House.”

“Drug—” He looked at Eliza.

She grimaced and then nodded. “He got caught stealing drugs from the clinic. 

He was…”

“He was street slinging,” Alexander said quietly. He wasn’t surprised. John had hated the birth control laws more than Alexander did and he’d hated them plenty.

Lafayette was right, there was no way that he could be seen meeting with a convicted drug dealer in the White House. And there was no reason to meet with John anyway. They hadn’t actually been in a relationship. Not like the one he had with George. They’d been friends with heat benefits. Nothing more.

He turned to his alpha and tried to make his face stern. “You overreacted.”

“You’re my omega.” George shrugged.

“I’m an adult.”

“An adult who was almost assassinated less than a year ago.”

His alpha had a point. He had overreacted but it wasn’t exactly unjustified.

“I’m sorry.” George wrapped his arms around Alexander again and nuzzled his bonding site. “I overreacted like a big, stupid, regressive alpha and I shouldn’t have. I just…”

“It’s fine,” Alexander muttered as he felt his own body relax against his alpha’s. 

“But you should have let him up.”

“I know,” George answered. “But I don’t like when other alphas touch you. I’m sorry.”

“No you’re not,” Alexander said, staring at his husband.

“No, I’m not,” George agreed. “But I do love you?”

“Love you too,” Alexander said as he leaned up to kiss his husband.

“Awwww.” Eliza sighed. “You two are so cute together.”

Hmmm. Alexander kissed his alpha again. He was sort of cute when he was all jealous and growly and powerful and Alexander couldn’t help wondering what that could lead to if that happened again when they were alone in the residence.  

[daniellethamasa]

Hey all, Dani here.

Whoops…I guess I should have mentioned earlier that I would have a bonus post up today. Surprise extra content! I have a few book tags that I have been tagged in over the past couple of weeks and I’m trying to get them written and scheduled so I don’t forget about them for the next six months and then go, oh no! guess I can’t do that now. So welcome to one of a few upcoming tag posts from me.

I was tagged for this particular post by Jenna over at Bookmark Your Thoughts, so thanks for that Jenna. If you guys haven’t checked out Jenna’s blog, then I definitely recommend it. She has some beautifully laid out posts and a fun variety of reviews and tags and more.

Fun fact, I haven’t listened to this Taylor Swift Album. Actually the last full-album I listened to by her was Speak Now, which I thought was a great album. I’ve listened to a few songs on her albums since then, but haven’t felt compelled to buy them. So it’s going to be fun to try and answer these tag prompts when I don’t understand the song references.

The Creator & the Rules

The creator of this tag is Sara @ The Bibliophagist! As for the rules:

↠ Link back to the creator, Sara @ The Bibliophagist! ↠ Answer the questions. ↠ Tag whoever you want and link back to the person who tagged you!

I Forgot That You Existed

A book from your childhood that you don’t remember anything about

Umm….this is such a hard one, because I remember at least vague overarching details about most everything I’ve read. I guess I’ll go with the Boxcar Children series, because I remember it less than I do some of my other childhood reads.

Cruel Summer

The worst book you’ve read this summer

Oh boy, I guess I should look at the books I read last summer, because we still have a few months until summer this year. Okay, well, I guess this book will work. It wasn’t a bad book (I gave it 3 stars), but it definitely wasn’t my favorite book. I think maybe if I read it again when I was feeling more in the mood then maybe I would like it better, but I don’t know.

  Lover

A bookish relationship that’s perfect exactly the way it is

Okay, I loved the friendship and family relationships in this one, as well as the romantic relationships. Honestly this reminds me that I want to read this book again, especially in anticipation for the sequel which will be out this fall. Renaissance Festival romance is one of my favorite plot/settings right now. Seriously.

The Man

A book with a badass female main character

O-kay, well I read a lot of books with badass female main characters, so this is actually fairly difficult for me. I started looking through my WordPress media and realized that I wanted to pick someone who was badass from start to finish in the story, because I started thinking about how a lot of the great female main characters start off as normal-ish characters and then grow into their badassdom. Sal is just badass all the way through the book. I am definitely excited about the sequel coming out this summer.

The Archer

A book with great character development

I didn’t think this through or try to plan any of this ahead of time. These prompts are so amazing and so difficult. Okay, technically this one is stretching the prompt a bit, because it’s not so much one single book with great character development, but rather the whole trilogy, which this is the final book of. Wow, seriously looking back at the journeys of each character through the three books…the paths they took were incredible. I love this series so much.

I Think He Knows

Your fictional crush

So here’s the thing…I don’t really crush on characters so much anymore, because I have my fiance and he’s the only one for me. But…for the purposes of this book tag, I’ll just go ahead and pick a book where I think the characters are crush-worthy and that will have to be good enough, okay?

Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince

A book set in high school

Hmm…can I pick one that actually takes place mostly at the school, because most that I can think of focus on the interactions and activities outside of school? See, if the prompt didn’t specifically say high school then I know exactly what book I would pick: Homerooms and Hall Passes by Tom O’Donnell; it takes place almost entirely at a middle school. Oh hey, look, it takes place at U.A. High School…yay, superhero high school. That totally works.

Paper Rings

A book with a happy ending

Isn’t this spoiler territory? Okay fine, I know I can think of at least one book that I can have for this prompt. I might as well use this space to talk up some upcoming releases that I am reading and loving now, and this is certainly one of them. Friendship squad goals, a cute friends-to-kissing relationship, and wenches training to be knights at a medieval show/themed restaurant.

Cornelia Street

A setting you’ll never forget

There are an awful lot of books that would fit into this category. Let’s be honest though, I’m always going to be thinking about the worlds of Fairy Tail and Black Clover, because those worlds are where these amazing ally/friend groups are, where your guildmates never give up and support each other through thick and thin. That is what makes the setting so unforgettable for me, because the characters make you remember where they’re from.

Death By A Thousand Cuts

A book that broke your heart

Now this definitely could be spoiler territory. Actually if I hadn’t already picked it earlier, I’d put Night of the Dragon here. All right, I’ve found the book that totally ripped my heart out, and that’s all I’m going to say about it, because I don’t want to risk spoilers, but I love the Colorworld series and I highly highly recommend it. You can start with Colorworld, which is the first book, OR you can actually start with the fifth book, Dreamworld. Either way everything still makes sense and comes together beautifully.

  London Boy

A setting that plays a big role in the story

All right, I think I can safely choose this book for this prompt. The characters do a lot of traveling around the world, and the different cultural and magical aspects of each locale is pretty important to the development of characters and in the growth of the plot in general, so yeah, setting is a pretty important part.

Soon You’ll Get Better

A book that made you cry

A lot of them! Haven’t I already mentioned a couple? Okay, so I had three books make me cry between Sunday and Monday this week. I already mentioned two of them (Night of the Dragon and The Life and (Medieval) Times of Kit Sweetly), so I might as well put the third one in here. Fun fact: they each made me cry for different reasons.

False God

A book with a well-written sexy scene

Wow…yeah, I totally didn’t read these prompts ahead of time, did I? Umm…sure…I think I know what book, or technically book series, I can pick with this one. Yep, gonna go with the Black Dagger Brotherhood series here. I tried to binge-read them and I had to stop after reading a few in a row because whew. *fans face* I actually probably need to keep going with this series sometime soonish.

You Need to Calm Down

A book featuring an LGBT romance

I’m not entirely certain just yet on this one, but I can definitely make the assumption because the female protagonist inherits her brother’s warrior bride…so I’m hopeful that this means there will be an LGBT romance in this one. If not…try The Life and (Medieval) Times of Kit Sweetly or Bonds of Brass, both books that I’ve also talked about in this tag.

Afterglow

A great second chance romance

Well, as soon as I read the prompt for this one I knew what book to pick. Okay, cool, the whole premise of both of these books is a couple trying again.

Me!

Your all-time favorite book

Rude. I already talked about the Colorworld series in this post. Hmm…sorry, you’re going to get more than one book for this one.

It’s Nice To Have A Friend

Your favorite friends-to-lovers book

So many of these prompts make me want to pick books that I’ve already picked, but I’m trying to spread the love around. This is getting so much harder now that I’ve neared the end of the post. Does this one count? I think it does. Yeah, I’m going to go with this one. Though I can definitely say that The Life and (Medieval) Times of Kit Sweetly is friends-to-lovers, as is Bonds of Brass.

Daylight

A book with a positive message

Yes, this one. Embrace your own weirdness and creativity, and face your fears and doubts, and …and…I love this book. I own two copies, one signed copy that I’ll never write in and then the other copy so I can actually do the exercises and stuff. Damian is the same way with two copies of this book as well.

Okay, well now it’s time to time to tag people.

Flavia @ Flavia the Bibliophile

Adrienne @ Darque Dreamer Reads

Katie @ Never Not Reading

YOU! If you’re reading this and you want to do this tag, then I TAG YOU!

Lover Book Tag Hey all, Dani here. Whoops...I guess I should have mentioned earlier that I would have a bonus post up today.

[seekerandthewizard88-blog]

Show Up As You Are

On the topic of service:

 When I think about what it means to serve people, I get this deep sense of soul satisfaction. Everytime I help someone, I feel a great sense of joy and power fill me up from inside - a sense that my existence matters and is meaningful because I can help change the world for the better... and that is something that lasts forever. When I think about actually giving up my time, that's when the fears come up.... particularly the fear of not having enough... I barely have time for myself, how can I make time to serve the world?! Also, I don't know enough yet to have an impact. I have many reasonable justifications for why it's not a good time. It just seems unattainable to me right now. Or is it? Perhaps I am not widening my definition of service enough. Maybe I will not be the person distributing food at the local shelter or marching in a parade for awareness anytime soon. So what does service really look like for me? Because I feel like it's important, I need to ask myself that question or else parts of me are being left unfulfilled due to a sheer lack of willingness to spend time answering that question...

 I woke up this morning and took Ash's advice to listen to an inspirational podcast first thing, which just so happened to be season 1 episode 1 of Magic Lessons, 'Do what ignites your soul.' LG (Elizabeth Gilbert) says if your mother modeled creativity growing up, you become creative. If she modeled martyrdom, you become a martyr. I have seen this firsthand in subverting my creative, collaborative mission with spirit into many tasks that COME CLOSE, but are not the thing... 

 LG talks about her mother sending her and her sister away when she was working on a project. Both Liz and her sister are now writers. My mother never sent me away while she worked on something just for her. My mother constantly gave her time away. Everything she did she did for others. Watching this, I learned that service meant sacrifice, in this instance, to the point that I often wondered about what ignited my mother's soul. There were beautiful clay pots of intricate designs strewn about the house, and an old kiln lived in the garage where every night, my mother would pull the car in after coming home from work and park just up against it to fit into the space. Kilns I later found out were pretty expensive! One wouldn't buy it just for the hell of it. But she never turned it on, and my dad said it probably was no longer functional. She never sold it either.... and over the years it became a collection table for trinkets and dust. My mother made me her mission work and made no secrets about explicitly telling me this, but I wonder what it would have been like to walk downstairs and watch her in her element, lost in a spinning wheel, her hands glistening with wet clay. It brings tears to my eyes for her and for me. 

 I want to see my mother in her creative joy. I NEED to see it and know it as much as I want to remind her that it still exists. I want her to teach me her skills because they are also in my veins asking to be shown. I need to know how to access it, especially now. This talent suits her because my mother would be the person who can take an inanimate lump of clay and turn it into something intricate and exquisite with her eye for beauty and her attention to detail. She has always made something from nothing. I caught glimpses of it over the years, and I suspect my mother is one of the most creative people this world has never known. I'm afraid of what it will feel like to ask myself too late - what would that have been like if I put it into the world? If I can figure out how to crack open and pour the contents of my soul art into the universe, maybe I can show her how too. 

 LG goes on to say that serving others is great, but it should not be our REASON to do a thing. She says ultimately, service is collaborating with inspiration, because that thing that's gnawing at you... it's an idea that's coming out of the cosmos and has chosen YOU and is asking you to work with it...

 When I look at the archive of notes in my phone, peppered throughout my endless lists going back to 2014 is the phrase 'start a blog.' I have ALWAYS loved books, writing, words themselves, and creative expression. Somewhere along the line, I simply stopped. I had no time for creativity when I was trying to get ahead in life. It was time to become an adult. I needed to focus on a career and gain the technical skills to execute. I needed to focus on the 'important stuff.' So why did it often feel as if something was missing? Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy to finally be in a place in my life where I have a solid direction! I go to school full time to learn a craft that I believe in and am proud of. I have a wonderful mentor that I shadow who takes the time to explain and show me the ropes. My plate is so full! And I'm happy about that. But still... there's that gnawing. And in quiet moments, in inspirational moments, or in moments of despair, I would find myself writing something down here or there. It would just come out of me. And then I would go back to the grind.

 So when Ash asked me to start this blog project, I said yes immediately because I knew that working with someone else would make me more accountable to show up consistently. And it sure has. At that time, I had been spending a lot of hours reading about current research surrounding autoimmune disease, therapies, and even possible CURES (which I was told did not exist). My mind buzzed in clinic, poring over peoples' unique cases, discussing them with my supervisor, connecting all the dots in my head and then going home with more questions and names of researchers to read up on. At first I had all these ideas about how to heal myself, and I was consuming information round the clock barely sleeping. I read about herbs and scientific discoveries about the human microbiome, everything down to endocrinology textbooks to be able to decode some of the more technical scientific research papers... I was determined to get to the bottom of this once and for all and debunk all the misinformation myself! I would share the things that actually WORKED and offer hope to others.... and myself. I made myself a guinea pig. I would start to feel hopeful that I was on the right track, but then I would try to employ some of the techniques I was reading about only to have a resurgence of symptoms, and sometimes I was left feeling even more run down and exhausted. Mostly I just wanted to share breakthroughs and victories with everyone, but I was still dealing with a lot of frustration and confusion over which direction to go.

 Yesterday was the first day in the past 2 weeks that I slowed down. I received the suggestion that I was being too hard on myself and even 'militant.' I needed to hear that, and my mind quieted as I simply listened to another human being tell me her perception of how I was going about things. I was making all these BIG changes and giving myself NO ROOM for error. How stressful indeed.....

 I began to realize I never even gave myself a chance to simply BEGIN this new journey. New journeys always take time and patience, and I forgot that I cannot skip over parts of my process. Here is the rub now that I've calmed down and closed the books for the time being- Ive been in a space of really coming to terms with my diagnosis, what it means, and where its going from here. Simply deciding to do this blog and putting my truth out into the world had more implications for me than I realized. Most people in my life do not know that I have an autoimmune diagnosis. This is because I never told anyone. Especially not like this. I had been living my life as if the news I received that day simply did not exist. And for a while, I was mostly symptom free and didn't need to deal with it... so I didn't. I put it away in a hall closet and shut the door. I feel like as I'm bringing this out for the world to look at, I am also simultaneously looking at it alongside all of you, for the very first time.

 [insert deep sigh here]

 Since accepting this out loud, I have been flooded with emotions both pleasant and not so pleasant... 

 I stumbled upon a podcast yesterday called Invisible Warrior Radio by Adrienne Clements, which is all about living with chronic illness and how that affects your nervous system and stress levels. Addressing the anxiety piece, and RECOGNIZING it, has been super helpful to me. It was extremely validating to hear how anxiety is more a PHYSIOLOGICAL event than an emotional one. This echoes my experience of feeling as if I'm panicking for NO REASON. My nervous system starts firing and then I need to deal with that flood of hormones telling my body there is a threat to my survival that is imminent, which then lingers for some hours after. She addresses the fact that when we have a chronic illness going on, our bodies are AWARE that something is wrong and so we are constantly already in battle mode. This means even small stressors can have a more exaggerated effect on those of us dealing with chronic illness...

 One of the things I admittedly do is gauge myself against how others do things. I know better but it seems to be subtle and instinctual. I think I need to forgive myself for beating myself up for wanting to stay home and rest a lot of the time when I'm not working or going to school. I think about all the invitations I get that I end up turning down- invitations that I WANT to say yes to! The truth is, my body is constantly fighting a battle that other people are not. I am tired, and I need more rest than the average person. Especially because my plate is so full these days with everything I am trying to accomplish. I need to avoid bad foods and bad substances because the aftermath of those decisions is magnified for me. Most of all, I need to stop feeling guilty or like I'm not enough as I am... this is who I am, and these are my needs. And I'm allowed to give them to myself. I'm lucky that I still CAN. So Adrienne talks about soothing your BODY when you have anxiety, because of that crucial physiological piece. 

 Now that I was aware I needed to soothe my body, I was primed to resort to my bag of tricks when dealing with stress. I follow Doreen Virtue on facebook, and oftentimes it reminds me that I have a spiritual realm of friends and guides willing to help me if I just ASK. I have been going it so alone and forgetting to simply ask for help and guidance. She posted about the importance of self care (so fitting), and the accompanying graphic was a portrayal of Archangel Raphael, who is the Archangel of healing. I quickly looked up Archangel Raphael meditations on youtube and clicked the first one that caught my eye and laid down on my bed.

 As I listened to the meditation going from chakra to chakra, it made me realize and become aware of the energies I was carrying there. When I got to my heart chakra, and as the voice gave me permission to let go of anything I was holding onto that no longer served me, a deep sense of sadness materialized and I was suddenly overcome with tears. I cried very deeply for about a few minutes, and then I became aware of how much I have been feeling deeply afraid. Afraid that I would never be well again and there really is no cure. Afraid of the terror of these panic attack symptoms... afraid that maybe it isn't anxiety, and something more sinister might be dismissed as anxiety when it's really something more physical, like a heart problem.

 Then something magical happened that I cannot explain, except that I could FEEL that I was no longer alone. As I opened myself more to the experience and immersed myself in the energetic space being created, a thought came to me (some people call this clairsentience as I do not ever hear an audible voice) to pick up one of the crystals I have sitting on my nightstand. It was a piece of malachite, which incidentally is a vibrant green, and the color green is associated with Archangel Raphael's healing energy. I placed it on my solar plexus as that was the chakra we were now on, and then instinctively readjusted it over my liver where I sometimes feel pain. I kept feeling like it was somehow working on my blood. I felt compelled to continue working with this stone after the meditation. When I finally got up, I looked up the properties of the stone in a wonderful book called, 'Stone Medicine: A Chinese Medical Guide to Healing With Gems and Minerals' by Leslie J. Franks. Malachite energy works with the liver/gallbladder and stomach/spleen meridians. Also, the stone is used for purifying the blood and purging pathology from the body. The page number for this crystal was 333. 333 in Doreen Virtue's numerology system means that ascended masters are surrounding you and supporting you in this moment. All of my signs had showed up. I noticed that the feeling of constriction in my chest had let up, and I was able to take a full, deep, glorious breath. 

 (Sidenote here about religion: Doreen Virtue belongs to the Christian faith, and while I practice Nichiren Buddhism, I still think that spirituality is a deeply personal path and can oftentimes include overlap. I do believe in angels because of my own personal experiences, and I think that 'God' is whatever it means to you. Sometimes it is more important to work with the energetics or the theme of what someone is saying without getting too caught up in the dogma and religious aspects of it. If meditating on the healing energy of Mother Earth works better for you than angels, go with that instead!)

 Last night before bed I again did that beautiful Archangel Raphael healing meditation which I promised I would share with you, so here it is! Also I want to share with you the Invisible Warrior Radio Podcast I started listening to, and I intend on checking out her blog this afternoon as well. It's important to find people who are going through similar struggles for support. I am the person who isolates when I don't feel well, so I am going to give myself this gift of connection so that I have an outlet; a platform of understanding to land on when I'm feeling weighed down by my burdens. An unforeseen bonus, which I suspect will be one of many, of this blogging journey is that it has also opened up a new world for me to follow others who are putting light out into the world, and for that I am supremely grateful! I never really explored podcasts before yesterday... yay for expansion!

 I got the first good night's sleep I've gotten in the past couple weeks last night. I'm now aware that I have been working through some anxiety and probably PTSD surrounding my physical symptoms... waking up in the middle of the night with extreme palpitations and having to call 911 to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance is EXTREMELY STRESSFUL. Especially when it comes seemingly out of nowhere. And I only took two days off to recover from that before beginning my usual grind once again. I was pushing through each day on high alert that this could happen again at anytime. It caused me to feel more high strung, frustrated, and tired in a way that isn't necessarily outwardly visisble because of how I carry myself through the world. (This is why I love Adrienne's concept of an invisible warrior!)

 I have also been dealing with feelings of selfishness since I have been spending A LOT of time on myself lately. My mission is so tied to helping others, and when I feel down and blah, I think to myself- don't write anything right now in this state because it's not very inspiring for people to read. Hide yourself until you feel better. Hide your pain. Don't talk about your struggle. If you can't lift other people up, at least don't bring anyone down with your doubts and your fears.

 I want to dare to challenge that thought in my life. I think sharing our burdens, especially as women, is one of the bravest choices we can make. It helps us to connect to our authenticity, it brings out the authenticity in others, and ultimately it helps us to feel not so alone. THIS IS REAL LIFE. Own your experience because it is yours, it is valid, and it has a place and a purpose. Things happen to people and we should be able to talk about all of it. Service. How am I serving others today? It could be as simple as showing up fully and saying HERE I AM, and it's ok for you to also show up as you are. 

 Because I grew up the way I did, I value hard work. I value self sufficiency. Because of this I am often too independent and stubborn. But sometimes we need to take it easy and sometimes we need help. And neither of these things should mean we are failing, weak, or that somehow our value is now less since we didn't do it all on our own. When we feel isolated and alone is exactly when we need to reach out, because that light- that support is THERE. 

 I think the biggest takeaway from this past week for me is to listen to your own body. IT KNOWS WHAT IT NEEDS. It is so patient with us considering we don't usually listen until it's been asking for quite some time. Everyone is walking a different path. There is no one size fits all solution. We need to validate ourselves because no one else will ever know our journey as intimately as we do. We are the only ones who can give ourselves what we need. Listen to that voice that says we need to cancel plans in order to rest tonight. Listen to that voice saying we need more fruits and vegetables. Take a salt bath with some lavender essential oil if you've been dealing with a lot of stress lately. Love your body for all it does for you. You never need an excuse to care for yourself! 

 On that note, I am going to make myself a nice warm breakfast of gluten free grains, blueberries and cinnamon. I am not going to freak out that I spent the morning writing and I haven't had my morning celery juice on an empty stomach yet and I have to do that before I eat! No... breathe. My body is saying that we need to eat, because going through my morning stressing about juice is no longer part of my healing journey. Going through my days dizzy and tired because I'm strictly trying to eat only raw vegetables and not getting enough calories is no longer part of my healing journey. I need to feel energized and stress free, and that starts with my attitude and my intention. I can have my juice later this afternoon and all will be OK. I need to learn how to 'dance on the shifting carpet.' Life happens, and we need to be able to adjust and be flexible. Writing this morning was a priority. All we can do is to take things as they come and stay true to ourselves, showing up just as we are. 

 Thanks guys for all your support and for taking time out of your day to share this experience with me. I appreciate having a platform to share myself so openly as it helps me to grow and become more self aware with each passing day! I feel extremely lucky, I love you all, and I wish you a wonderful, healthy, blessed day!

 The Wizard