#did this on phone while theres a long early morning conversation between my parent and the store keeper

[swirlwalker]

Long stretch before starting the day

[koushou]

i love it smmmm omg. the megumi fix is amazing it’s more than i asked for ❤️❤️ bro 6,9k is a blessing you don’t understand how glad it made me it’s so worth the wait. tumblr is so dry when it comes to anime fics and especially w megumi thank you for feeding me something other than the crumbs this website gives me. i don’t want to be too annoying but whenever you’re free if you could do a pt 2 cause that ending omg. i love it sm and i can’t thank you enough ❤️

pairing : megumi x f!reader [fluff]

warnings : slight makeout scene idk HAHA nothing too intense though (also not proofread because i wanted to get this posted as soon as i finished it)

wc : 3.5k

a/n : ur too sweet omg and im FINALLY back from procrastinating your request again anon… (i really apologize i don’t mean to take so long pls forgive me D: ) i hope this is what you wanted!!

pt. 1 (you don’t really have to read pt 1 to understand this part but i do recommend it)

loud chatter echoes through the large modern dining hall located on the second floor of the hotel.

“i’m… so full…” a certain pink haired male burps for the nth time as he still continues to stuff food into his mouth. gojo laughs at itadori’s passion for the hotel food, while doing the same as he takes a large bite of a pancake.

you chuckle, taking a sip of your drink and leaning back in your cushioned chair, already finished with your 3rd plate of breakfast. i mean, who could blame you? hotel breakfast food just hits a different type of way.

“so, spill all the juicy events that happened last night, i wanna know!” nobara nudges you excitedly, her eyes twinkling as she pulls her chair closer to yours.

rolling your eyes, you look away from the ginger female and pretend to not have heard her. accidentally, you were now faced towards megumi, sitting on the opposite side of you. your eyes met for a brief moment before you quickly turned away, breaking the awkward interaction.

“aww— c’mon, y/n! please—“

“nothing happened at all! and don’t think i forgot the way you ignored my knocks on your door yesterday,” you shot her a glare, earning a sheepish laugh in return.

“but... in the same bed..?”

you were about to retort back when gojo stands up and claps his hand over his stomach, which now seemed just… a few sizes bigger.

“alright! have we all finished our food? god, when did hotel food get so good— anyway, it’s time to pack our things and head back home!” your constantly enthusiastic teacher exclaims, as a waiter comes to collect your plates.

after thanking the waiter and paying the bill (poor gojo-sensei’s wallet), you all head back upstairs to drive back home.

a thick silence hangs over your room as you and megumi collect your items, not wanting to bring up any events from last night. finally ready to head out, you walk towards the door to open it until another hand reaches the handle at the same time.

you retract your hand quickly, while the other hand lingers in the air above the knob.

“oh— sorry, you can go first!” you gulp, backing up a bit so megumi can exit first.

he pauses for a second, twisting the knob until the door pulls open. you expected him to walk out, but he makes his way to the other side of you instead, still holding the door open.

you look over at him with a questioning look, receiving a slight shrug and a hint of a smirk.

“ladies first.”

why was his stupid face so handsome?

you shook your head at his teasing expression, making your way out the door to the carpeted hallway, him following close behind.

the others were already at the lobby waiting, their conversation becoming clearer as you reach them.

“what’s taking them both so long? you don’t think they’re too busy… y’know…” nobara’s usual cheerful voice carries her words to your ears, making you roll your eyes and spook her from being.

“boo.”

“i’m just sayin- oh my go—“ she frantically turns around, breathing a sigh of relief upon seeing it was just you.

“you scared me!”

“what were we talking about?”

“nothing important! come on, we should get going!” nobara nudges gojo and itadori ahead, escaping you as she scurries out of the lobby.

you hear a yawn from behind you, a tuft of black hair moving past you as you suppress the urge to laugh at megumi’s already messy hairstyle, amplified by his morning bed hair.

finally, you were all seated back in gojo’s car, ready to drive back to the school so you all can head back to your own homes.

the ride back was full of gojo’s irritating voice singing along to songs playing from the car radio, itadori laughing along, and the rest of you too excited to leave the car.

“alright kids! we’re here, make sure to be safe on the way back home!”

gojo waves to all of you as you hop out of his car one by one, basking in the cool summer air for a few seconds.

“see you guys!”

itadori jogs away, heading in the direction of his own home, followed by megumi, then nobara, and lastly, you.

upon reaching your house, your mother welcomes you, asking about your day, if you had fun, and other typical mother questions.

you were telling her about your day when you suddenly recalled the hotel night events, and scurried away embarrassed upstairs to your room, leaving a very confused mom behind.

you flop down onto the bed, face down, wanting to get a good few minutes of quiet nap time in before your phone dings with a notification.

grunting, you pull your phone out from your pocket, swiping across the screen to check the message.

surprisingly, it was from megumi, eyebrows suspiciously raising as you open the text message from him. you two rarely texted unless it was about school or business-related, so you couldn’t think of anything he would need from you right now.

megumi : Hey.

megumi : I have your hair tie with me. You probably left it in my bag or something.

megumi : I’m coming over in 5 minutes.

you sat up abruptly, rereading his messages to make sure your eyes weren’t playing tricks on you.

you had been so caught up with his prior messages that you failed to register that he said he was going to be at your house in… 5 minutes.

hurriedly, you swiped to see what time he had sent that last message. 12:34 AM.

your eyes moved to the top of your phone screen, reading the current time. 12:37 AM.

almost falling out of bed scrambling to your room mirror, you checked your appearance to make sure you looked fine and your hair wasn’t messy and-

you paused.

“why am i so concerned about how i look? why do i care about this?”

you slapped your face with both hands, bringing yourself back to reality when you were interrupted again, but this time by your doorbell ringing from downstairs.

making your way out of your room, you saw that your mom had already opened the door with a familiar tall figure standing in the doorway.

“oh! megumi, it’s been a while!” your mom lets megumi in with a smile, already going to the kitchen to make him some tea.

he bows politely, sitting down on the couch, now changed into a loose white t-shirt with black shorts.

“uh- theres no need to make me tea, i won’t be here for too long—“

“nonsense! you can even stay for lunch, dear megumi! i just have to prepare the last dish and—“

you finally clear your throat, standing at the middle of the stairs, catching both of their attention.

“oh, y/n! i have to go out to the grocery store for some ingredients, take care of our guest megumi, alright?” she places two cups of tea on the table in front of megumi, grabbing her keys to head out.

“wait, mom—“

she sends you a wink by the door, already outside before you can finish your sentence.

you sigh in defeat, sitting across from megumi on the other couch.

“here.”

megumi pulls out a black hair tie from his pocket, almost identical to the one currently around your wrist.

you raise your eyebrows in suspicion at the hair tie. “but i only have one? and i didn’t bring any extra yesterday..?” you motion to your own arm.

he looks back and forth between your wrist and the one he had in his hand, scratching his head in confusion.

“it was in our hotel room, so i assumed it was yours.” he shrugs, placing it on the table. “but if it isn’t, i can just throw it away.”

you hum, taking a sip of the tea your mom prepared as he does the same, cringing as the still hot tea burns his tongue.

“pfft…”

he glares at you, placing the cup down as his eyes scan around your living room, taking in the decorations.

“i’ll just keep it then, it seems new.” you take the forgotten hair tie on the table, and wear it around your wrist, now decorated with two black hair ties.

he nods, sitting back against the couch, silence falling between you both.

a question suddenly popped up in your mind, your mouth moving faster than your brain.

“you came all the way here… just to give me a hair tie?”

the question seems to set him a little nervous, clearing his throat and avoiding eye contact as he fidgets in his seat.

“well— i figured i’d return it to you before i forgot,” he shrugs, reaching out to take another sip of his tea before pulling back quickly again at the heat.

you nod slowly, still unconvinced with his answer. who goes all the way to someone’s house to return a hair tie?

“okay then, see you on monday?” you get up, ready to send him back off.

his head snaps up, still not moving in his seat as he opens his mouth slowly, as if unsure of how to respond.

“um- i thought your mom said i could stay…for lunch…?”

he averts his eyes, pink dusting his pale cheeks as he looks away. your mouth forms into an ‘o’ shape as you recall your mom’s words and those were - in fact what she had said.

it wasn’t that you were against him staying for lunch, but you two weren’t even friends or remotely close at that. rivals would even suit you both better than friends.

“but if you want i can, uh, leave now,” he starts to stand, looking uncomfortable in his position across from you.

it was then that you remembered megumi’s background, that his mother had left early at birth, plus his father wasn’t exactly present.

you couldn’t imagine living without your parents, and how lonely he must be without true family.

“no! i mean, that’s not what i meant, you can stay.” you sputter out before he gets the wrong idea.

his eyes seem to light up at your words, nodding before sitting back down on his previous spot on the couch.

you glance over at the time on your phone, it had been around 7 minutes after your mom had left.

the tension was thick in the room, and just when you thought you were about to explode from the awkwardness, he finally breaks the silence.

“do you… play that?”

you turn to where his eyes are placed on, seeing your black xbox console laying on top of a cabinet, having been untouched for a while.

“oh that? yeah, occasionally, why?”

you hear a snicker from beside you, snapping your head to find his lips curled into a teasing grin.

“oh, i just didn’t think a nerd like you would play games.”

you raise your eyebrows at his words. “you sure about that? it doesn’t seem like you’re very good at games either, megumi.” you make sure to stretch out each three syllables of his name to tease him further.

he huffs while leaning back, still maintaining intense eye contact with you, almost challenging each other to say something back.

“how about this, whoever wins against the other gets to make them do whatever they want. no matter what it is.” he nods over to the console, tilting his head as he waits for your response.

you chuckle, standing up to take the console, fiddling with it for a moment before turning back to him.

“alright, just don’t cry when you lose too much, okay?”

he shrugs, smirking as he looks around the living room for the other console, making you remember something.

“oh, the other console plus a TV is in my room, wanna just play there?”

he stiffens suddenly, before nodding slowly and following you upstairs to your room.

reaching the door, you suddenly stop, making megumi grunt and come to a stop, almost crashing into you.

“uh - wait here.”

you open the door just enough to slip inside, quickly gathering some of your belongings and cleaning as much as you could, to at least make your room seem presentable.

“okay!” you open the door for megumi, who makes no move to enter at first.

“...”

“you can come in.”

“... is this okay?”

you cock your head, not understanding his question.

“your mom isn’t home.”

“...so?”

“we’re alone.”

“and?”

“i’m… going into your room.”

“what is your point?” you began to grow frustrated at this conversation. then, it hit you all of a sudden.

“ahh, megumi? have you never been in a girl’s room alone before?” you snicker, shaking your head from laughter.

he starts to protest, before quickly closing his mouth and finally entering your room.

you connect the two consoles into your TV in your room, sitting down on the edge of your bed as you load up the games on the screen.

“you can sit here if you want,” you pat the empty spot next to you, to which he carefully sits down on, taking one console from your hand.

“ready?”

he nods, as you start the game.

-- --

“what--?!”

you throw your hands up in frustration, groaning as you flop backwards on the bed.

“i told you, you can’t beat me.” megumi chuckles, dodging a stuffed bear you threw in his direction.

you huffed, sitting back up, determined to beat him at least once.

“one last rematch!”

he lets out a laugh, a rare one that you think you might just never forget, and starts the game again.

after a few minutes of intense clicking, yelling and laughing, you let out a proud shout, the word victory flashing across your screen.

you pick up another stuffed animal from your bed and toss it straight at megumi’s face, celebrating as he lets out an ‘oof’ and glare back at you.

“but i still won around, 7 times, so i get to make you do something- oof-” he stumbles back again from another stuffed animal to the face.

“hmm? i don’t know what you’re talking about--” you pretend to not have heard him before your vision goes momentarily black from a soft object hitting your face, a pink bear landing in your lap.

“hey!”

“what, you keep throwing them at me!”

“fine…”

“hey, why are you getting so close--!”

you tackle megumi backwards onto the bed, throwing your pillows at his face -- not very gently -- as he tries to shield his arms in vain.

“ahh—! okay, okay, i’m sorry, stop it—“ he huffs as you finally stops your attack, his dark blue orbs looking up into yours.

you only now noticed your close proximity, quickly sitting back up to create some distance between the both of you. he clears his throat, fiddling with one of your pillows.

“well, a loss is a loss, what do i have to do?” you sigh, admitting your defeat.

“hmm…” he seems to be lost in deep thought, probably trying to find the worst thing he can make you do.

after a few silent, intense seconds, he finally speaks.

“are you… free tomorrow?”

you turn to him, giving him a questioning look at his strange question. he only stares back at you in response, awaiting your answer.

“um… yeah, i’m free the whole day, why do you as-“

“come watch a movie with me tomorrow.” he blurts out quickly, not even letting you finish your sentence.

you gape at him, still processing his words, unsure if you had heard wrong.

“... sorry?”

his face was reddenning by the second, yet his eyes remained firmly on yours the whole time.

“let’s go watch the new movie in the theater. i heard it’s quite popular already despite releasing only last week.”

“oh… okay, i can ask nobara if she wants to com-“

“don’t!” he says a little too loudly, clearing his throat after as he regains his composure.

“i mean, i- just, you.”

“just.. us?”

he nods.

silence fell again between the two of you, unsure if he was asking you what you thought he was asking you. you decide to test the waters cautiously.

“man.. it’s almost like you’re asking me out on a date, megumi?” you tease lightly, expecting a ‘tch’ or an, ‘as if’.

“so what if i am?”

now that was an answer you weren’t expecting.

“you’re.. joking, right?”

megumi sighs, moving closer until his body was mere centimeters away from yours.

“i’m serious.”

“do you... like me or something?”

he stares at you blankly. “would i ask you on a date if i didn’t have feelings for you, idiot?”

you only just realize how stupid your question sounded, trying to find a response until he reaches up to cup your cheek with one hand.

they felt soft, yet slightly gruff from constant training and fighting, large enough to cover one half of your face. they were warm, slightly trembling probably from nervousness, yet made you wish he’d never take it off.

“it’s okay if you don’t want to. we can forget this ever happened.” his own cheeks turning slightly pink, yours probably even worse as the space between your faces closed in slowly.

“but i don't think i can do this anymore, so just let me be a little selfish this once, okay?”

barely registering his words before he moves in to kiss you, soft lips moving against the other as his hand tightens against the side of your cheek. you barely register your own actions anymore, hands reaching up to tangle themselves in his hair, moving down to his neck, and finally finding home cupped around his face.

he groans against your lips, pressing you down until he was now hovering above you, never breaking the kiss even once in the process. you lost track of how long you both had been making out in your bed before you hear the front door open from downstairs.

frantically, the both of you separated in fear of your mom catching you in the act, catching your breaths while still processing what just happened.

you hear shuffling from downstairs, standing up to escape megumi before you were pulled back into a warm chest.

“wait—“ his arms wrap around you to trap you from leaving his grasp, your eyes looking everywhere but his, and suddenly your wall was the most interesting thing in sight.

“are we… really going to pretend that didn’t happen?” you finally gather the courage to look him in the face, almost melting at the soft pout set on his (now slightly redder than before) lips.

“ilikeyoutoo.” you get out quickly before you lose the chance to say it again.

he stiffens against you, eyes lighting up almost like an excited puppy receiving treats. “you like me? i didn’t hear you, so can you say it again?”

you huff, trying to wriggle your way out of his arms, only resulting in him pulling you closer to sit on his lap. he presses his forehead to yours, chuckling at your futile attempt to escape.

“i said— i like you—!” you ram your head into his, making him groan in pain, loosening his hold on you. the perfect chance for escape.

you saw the opportunity, dashing to the door, twisting the knob, almost getting it open until—

“nope,” megumi’s hand stops the door in time, instead twisting you around until your back was now flat against the wood, both of his palms placed beside your head.

“y/n? megumi?” your mom’s voice calls from downstairs, but all you could hear was your heartbeat thumping loudly in your chest.

“megumi! move, my mom’s home,” you place your hands on his chest, trying to push him away to no avail.

he grabs your pushing hand and places it on the left side of his chest, letting you feel the soft but fast thumping of his heart, almost matching the pace of your own.

“this is all your fault. you’re not gonna take responsibility for it?” he inches closer to your burning face, making you huff and grab his face.

you press your lips to his, feeling him immediately return the kiss, but you pull away after a few seconds, leaving him still trying to kiss you again.

“nope, my mom’s home, and i’m hungry.”

you open the door, seeing your mom begin to set the table with plates of food downstairs. you look back at megumi, who still looked sad after getting his kiss cut short.

sighing, you take his hand in yours, intertwining your fingers together before pulling him down the stairs.

“come on, it’s time for lunch. you’ll get more later.”

you feel him perk up, giving your hand a squeeze as he follows close behind.

you steal a glance at your wrist, still wearing both the hair ties. good thing he hadn’t noticed you stuffing one into his bag this morning.

[wildmichaelflower]

This is Halloween

Word count: 1.4k

Prompt: Person A's kid gets sick right before Halloween and can't go, so Person B goes for them. 

Author's Note: this was for the October fic event! I was so happy to work with other authors to produce Halloween inspired fics, and I hope you enjoy!

Masterlist for the Event!

Genre: fluff

Pairings: single parent!Michael x Single parent!reader

Your son, Xavier, had been feeling less energetic than his usual self the last few days before Halloween. You did your best to help him recover so he would be able to go out for candy that Saturday night, but on Friday he woke up with a low grade fever, and all hopes to go out were dashed. You texted his best friend's father, Michael, to let him know the two of you would not be joining him and his daughter, Quinn to trick or treat. 

Michael was disappointed, he looked forward to the four of you going out, but nothing was close to the distraught his four year old felt. 

"But we got matching costumes and everything daddy! Why can't Xavier join?!" She pouted from her car seat, Michael choosing to break the news as he drove her to daycare. 

"I know sweetheart," he sighed, "But Xavier's not feeling good, and his mommy's worried he'll feel worse if he goes out, or you'll get sick."

She maintained her pout, but nodded, beginning to understand.

"But I have an idea that will make it seem like he's with us, I just gotta talk to his mommy ok?"

She nodded, then smiled, "OK daddy! Can he still wear his Clifford costume?"

Michael chuckled, the idea of two kids running around the neighborhoods as characters from the cartoon still funny to him.

"We'll see what his mommy says ok?" He pulled into the parking lot before going to get her out, "And you're ok with him being Clifford, it is your last name." He grinned, holding her on his hip and carrying her backpack. 

"Yes daddy," she sighed dramatically, as though she's explained it too many times, "I'm a Clifford every day, so I don't need to be one for Halloween, and Emily Elizabeth has blonde hair, like us." She smiled. 

Michael smiled and nodded, reflecting on how much her daughter looked like him. She was practically a mini him, but she got her mother's dimples. He still missed his ex occasionally, but she wasn't ready for motherhood and Michael respected her wishes. It helped that she stuck to her promise to send birthday and Christmas gifts, but it was hard to explain to someone so young why they didn't have a mommy and daddy like other children. He was grateful to his friends for helping out in the early days, but when he wanted to record full time again the daycare was his saving grace. He was worried about the implications of getting Quinn a nanny, and he wanted her to have social experience with other kids her age. It was also wonderful for him to hear that many other children were in single parent homes.

That's where he met you, or rather, Quinn met Xavier and the two forced their parents to meet. It was a pleasant introduction of course, and Michael was ecstatic that his daughter had made a friend so quick. When he arrived to pick her up after her first Friday, he found her hiding under the slides with a young boy, who had a woman pleading with him to come out. 

"Xavier, please, we need to go home. I'm happy you're having fun with friends, and we'll see them on Monday, but your father will be waiting for you." 

"Nope!" The young boy crossed his arms, "Quinn said her daddy said she's staying home after today. If we don't go home the day doesn't end." 

Michael bit his lip, wondering where Quinn heard him say that and ducked almost uncomfortably low to speak to his daughter. 

"Quinn, where did you hear me say that? I said you'll stay home for the weekend, but you'll be back on Monday." 

Quinn gasped, surprised to hear her father's voice and quickly turned to him. 

"I get to come back? Really?!" She crawled out of her hiding spot before wrapping her arms around his neck. 

"Yes really, silly goose." He teased and tickled her sides, lifting her as he turned to you, watching as you lifted your son to your hip, "Sorry for the trouble that caused, she sometimes half hears the conversation, a trait she unfortunately gets from me," he admitted sheepishly.

You shook your head and smiled, "No worries. This rascal always tells me how much fun he's had since your daughter started." You blew a raspberry against his cheek, grinning as he giggled at the feeling. 

Michael beamed, happy his daughter was adjusting so well, and asked to exchange numbers with you, mainly to schedule play dates. Over time, he learned you were also a single parent but remained friendly with Xavier's father, who he spent every other weekend with. Eventually, the two men met and Xavier's father was also more than happy to allow play dates between the two. 

Michael clocked his daughter in as she put her belongings in her cubby, gave her a hug and kiss on the cheek, before watching her head off to play, smiling at all the kids in their costumes. Getting back in his car, he called you to explain his idea to bring Xavier trick or treating. 

The next night, Xavier was dressed in his costume laying under blankets on the couch. A day of rest did him some good, but he was not ready to go out. Luckily, Michael and Quinn would collect candy for him. When Michael called the day before, you had just gotten your son back to sleep. He explained that he could facetime with you and collect candy for Xavier, while he sat at home on the other end, allowing the children to be together that night, in a way. You thought it was brilliant, and with Xavier gaining more energy by the next morning, you knew he wouldn't be against the idea either. 

You brought him a bowl of chicken noodle soup, smiling as Michael began to facetime you. 

"Is that Quinn?" Xavier asked, small amounts of broth slipping from his mouth. 

"Yes honey," you cleaned him with a napkin before accepting the call, holding the phone so you two were in the screen. 

"Hi Xavier!" The young girl giggled excitedly, "Are you feeling better?"

"Yeah!" Your son smiled, "I eat soup and cuddle with my mommy." 

You smiled, seeing Michael as he held Quinn's hand but didn't interrupt the children's conversation. Soon, they approached the first house, Quinn shouting trick or treat, and Xavier echoing behind her.

"Oh my, is this Emily Elizabeth?" An older woman smiled, before turning to the phone confused, "And is that Clifford at home?"

"Yep!" Quinn smiled before explaining the situation the best way a four year old can before concluding, "And my daddys holding Xavier's bucket, and we'll drop it off when we're all done."

The woman smiled understandingly and placed a piece of candy in Quinns bucket before allowing her to take one for Xavier. 

"Careful now dear, chocolate can make dogs sick," she joked, to which Quinn giggled.

"Not this puppy! If his mommy let him he would only eat chocolate," she smiled and dropped a mini snickers into the bucket in Michaels hands. 

He cleared his throat, "What do we say now dear?" 

"Thank you!" Quinn beamed, giggling as Xavier repeated her. 

Michael and Quinn continued through his neighborhood before driving to your ex's, making the final stop your neighborhood. They didn't get too many houses, however, before Quinn was asking to be carried, and as he made his way up the steps, you laid your exhausted son into his bed. 

Michael's knock on your door brought you back to the living room, and your heart melted at the sight of a sleeping Quinn on Michael's shoulder, Michael passing you one of the two completely filled basket.

"Thank you, for making this night easier for Xavier," you smiled as you placed the basket on the entry table. 

"Of course. Halloween only comes once a year, and with modern technologies, not even illness should stop the fun." He grinned, carefully shifting Quinn. 

You nodded, "Hopefully Xavier will be better in a few days, and we can take photos of them together before he goes to his dad's."

Michael nodded, "They'll love that," he bit his lip, "and maybe on the day Xaviers back at school we can get breakfast?" 

You blushed, looking up at him, "Is that a date Michael?" 

He smiled sheepishly before nodding, "If you'd like it to be, yeah." 

"Yes, I would love to go on a date with you, as long as we dont get the bug. Theres nothing romantic about getting sick on the first date." 

He chuckled, "Yeah.. I'll be looking forward to a healthy, happy date," he winked, "but for now, I gotta get little missy here into pajamas and bed."

You laughed lightly and nodded, "drive home safe, and I look forward to seeing you next week." 

[killcapitalizm]

the louvre (no tw); peter parker

request; can you do an imagine where reader has a crush on peter even though he and michelle were dating in high school (which makes the reader distance themselves from the group) and after they graduate, peter finds them and says that he and michelle didn’t work out? then the reader finds out it was because he liked the reader the whole time. sorry if this is confusing and super long!!

word count; 2,981

warnings; angst, this wasnt edited

a/n; SSCREAMS IM SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG ugh im disappointed in myself.. theres gonna be more parts to this im currently writing the next one dw. listened to the louvre by lorde while writing this. love u

tags; @kaliforniacoastalteens

Your name: submit What is this?

You had supposedly gotten over Peter a few months ago, when you'd accepted the fact that he and MJ– or rather, Michelle, you remembered, she's Michelle to me now, isn't she– were dating and you'd finally ceased intentional contact with him after painfully long weeks of being too busy, too sick, too tired, too hurt; and you have yet to admit that last one. With Peter's absence of course came Michelle's, they were a couple and therefore somewhat of a packaged deal. That was no surprise to you, when you regretfully unwound yourself from Peter you had known that you'd lose Michelle, too. What you hadn't expected was the sudden absence of Ned– someone who you had grown quite close to. Even Liz was separated from you, so subtly you nearly hadn't noticed she was gone. In the first few seconds of hurt and loneliness and confusion, you were awfully lost. But then you considered: you met Ned and Liz through Peter and indeed they were closer to him than you'd ever be, ever been. And so you start from scratch.

You tried your absolute best to make some friends in each of your classes. You swallowed that familiar feeling of fear-filled blankness and managed to talk to one person in each of your classes. They all had their own pre-established friend groups that you knew you wouldn't be able to be a part of, but you gratefully settled for acquaintances that would give you a partner in class and someone to ask for notes when you were out for a day or two. You lived without a friend for the last four months of your senior year, right up to graduation where you saw Peter and Michelle kiss under the shade of a city tree in front of the school and then you caught Ned's eye later and his mirrored yours, but softer. Never before had you weeped over being unable to text a friend about how entirely shitty you felt because your mother was angry again and, more importantly, you missed them, but in that summer you stained your pillow at midnight as your back and legs and chest ached as if they were holding your bruising sorrows. Your parents weren't home that night when you were crying, crying for hours into the early, early morning. You cried until you had no more tears to cry, and you simply wailed to yourself, exhausted an drowsy but unable to sleep because you felt too terrible to be able to rest. Those kinds of nights don't happen often but you hate that they happen at all.

On your first day of your new job at a popular bookstore, you were glad it was chilly so that your red eyes and nose and cheeks were excusable. You brought eye drops and hoped the red would drain from your face before anybody noticed that it wasn't the cold causing it and you told yourself that if it did fade then you wouldn't have that night for another two months, and when you walked in you saw no one you knew until you turned your head and saw Ned, you saw Ned in the soft yellow light of the morning and you nearly cried because you saw him like that many times before, with Peter at sleepovers when you'd wake up early and again with Peter again when you'd walk to school with them. He saw you and smiled at you, and didn't look away in that don't-talk-to-me way but instead he glanced down at the empty area next to him behind the register then back up at you. You were terrified in that anxious, empty way but you yearned for a familiar friendship, so you walked over to him and spoke too much right away.

"I've missed you." You didn't sound polite or happy and that's what made it sincere.

"Oh, thank god," Ned says. "I thought it was one-sided."

"Is it?" You ask still, but you're smiling brightly for the first time since you cleared your phone contacts.

Ned snorts. "I would assume you'd infer from what I said that it's not, but whatever. I've missed you, too."

It was in that moment that Ned forgave you; in the same moment he realized there was anything to forgive you for. While Peter had dejectedly told him you were probably avoiding him because of something he did (Ned knew it was because he was together with MJ), he had still missed you without an answer, missed you in the same way you'd miss a friend the night after a sleepover, when you turn in your bed in heavy solitude and whisper to the wall that they hadn't slept next to, because if you'd look to the space where their mumbles had been then you wouldn't sleep all night. Your absence had him turn over to the wrong wall, and that hurt him.

You remember the time Ned had accidentally tripped you in gym class back in your junior year and you saw him nearly cry, then you spoke again. "I'm sorry." For what, Y/N? You try again, "I'm sorry for leaving you and not talking to you. That you had to miss me. I missed you a lot. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," says Ned, "I forgive you." He forgave you twice, because he hadn't realized how satisfyingly pleasant it feels when someone doesn't have to apologize but they do with their heart.

"Thank you," you say, because he welcomed you after you had cut him off for so long and he shouldn't have smiled so dearly at you, and you're grateful.

Ned helps you with your new job that day, then that week, and into the next week. You add his number back onto your phone and write it down in your journal that you've stopped writing in ever since Peter told you with so much joy and love that he was dating Michelle. You try not to think of them, just of how much you missed him and her each as their own. If you think of them, then that night you'd weep and weep until you felt so pained and sick that you shook, curling up and holding yourself as you hoped you'd fall asleep. You don't tell Ned about those nights and you don't ask about them, you don't ask about Peter at all but you know he's talking about him when he says "my friend," or more often, "a buddy of mine."

But Ned is smart, and he knows you had liked Peter back then and because you never ask about his friend (he knows that you know who he's talking about), he knows you like him now. He also knows that Peter and MJ broke up, he knows why and how and when and where and the boy was a boy of the Earth, he is rooted to the ground and because of that he knows it's not his place to tell you all of that. Ever-growing with the kindest smile, he knows that Peter needs to tell you himself if you're to ever know. And he wants you to know, so he decides that five weeks of talking daily with you, after reattaching yourself to him and him to you, that he'd start to reconnect you and Peter. He starts off conveniently.

"Look, dude, just get it over with and you'll feel better… What? Peter, no, you need a job, you're eighteen now–" Ned spots you walk in early one Thursday morning and talks just loud enough into his phone so that you could hear him say Peter. Surely enough, you duck your head as if you hadn't been listening. His name out of Ned's mouth, so bright like you remembered it, twists your heart. "Hey, man, I gotta go and you do too. You got this, I know you do. See ya'."

You stop beside Ned as he hangs up and tucks his phone into his back pocket. As always, you greet him with the biggest smile you can manage. These days, it's been some of your brightest, full ear-to-ear grins, but today you barely show your teeth. He notices and for a second he rethinks his plan, but you still love Peter and he knows he loves you too so he keeps going. "What was that all about?" You instantly regret that, but it flew out of your mouth before you could think of another conversation starter.

"Peter, actually," he does his best to sound gentle, but you inhale sharply at his name anyway. "He's going for a job interview later today and he's panicking again. As always. But I know he'll do just fine."

You were silent for a second too long, quickly spitting out something when you realized it. "Uh, yeah. Yeah, he was always like that… panicky. 'N stuff. Before things. He always did good and… yeah." You straighten your back and shift your weight from leg to leg, a poor attempt at looking casual that really just made you look just as nervous as you felt. You were looking down at Ned's shirt with a pleading gaze that he surely saw, begging him silently to just leave it be, to change topics, to not say his name again. He saw all of that, but he knew he had to.

He looked sympathetically at you as he spoke again, "Speaking of him, I think we should all meet up sometime or whatever. It's been a really long time since we hung out." He sounded like he was hurt, feeling awful for putting this on you but knowing it'll end up better in the end if you're willing to work with him.

You, on the other hand, sounded genuinely wounded. "Y-Yeah." You nearly wheezed. Unconsciously, your hand rested on your hip, angled so that your palm was more on the back of your hip. Ever since you could remember, emotional stress would center at your back and slowly start to crawl down your limbs. Always starting in your lower back, it ached with whatever you felt, then burned its way up, making the spot between your shoulders sore, then shooting down to your legs. If Ned insisted on talking about this for very long, you'd have to bring a stool to the register with you today. "I mean, I don't really think… he'd want to see me. After what I did."

"Actually, he really misses you." Gosh, he was trying so hard to be soft, but it felt like he was smothering you with a pillow. While he wasn't lying, he hadn't actually told Peter he's been hanging out with you. "He'd love to meet up sometime– I'll ask him later today. You can set the date."

"He…" misses me? you finish in your head. You can hear your heartbeat in your ears, blood rushing up your neck and kicking your brain, then rushing back down before starting again. You were growing a bit of a headache, maybe from staying up late last night but maybe the aches were skipping your limbs today and getting right to your head, towards the back where it wouldn't let you lay down on your back later. "Uh… Yeah. Y-Yeah, I'll– I… Sure. Sometime."

Ned watched your discomfort with a wince that went unnoticed. He reminded himself it would get worse before it got better. "Anyway, we should start preparing. We open in an hour," he said, trying to edge you away from the topic, although it was too late to stop the images and memories of Peter from firmly planting themselves in your head. You nodded once, slightly, then again with more motion. That day, you made sure to never be seen without a water bottle so that you had an excuse when someone asked you why you were going to the bathroom so much. You'd go when your started thinking too much, to the point that it interfered with your ability to shelve books and even think to yourself a single, coherent thought. You'd excuse yourself, rush in, and find yourself gasping for air that you hadn't realized you lost.

You went home that day feeling more alone than not, despite the sudden vague reconnection with Peter. But you shouldn't be surprised, the thought of the boy has been a presence of loneliness for a while now. When you think of him, it's as if you're thinking yourself into a void, where you detach from the Earth, as if you exist in your body but your body does not exist in the world and it simply moves around in it. Sometimes you suspect that because you feel something so drastic and real that Peter wasn't the only cause of it, but it did you better to not think too deeply so that you don't return to work the next day with red eyes and darkish bags that hung underneath them. You went home that day and asked Ned to call you, because you hid your tears from him and knew that if he were with you in any way that you would be able to keep your promise of two months of freedom. When Ned was gone, you moved to the TV to distract you. Then you pulled out your phone and decided to read something, then opened up your laptop to watch a YouTube video, and after a minute you retrieved a book to read and a comic to look at– you were doing everything and nothing at once but what you weren't doing was sobbing and that was, in the end, what you wanted. You trembled a bit when you settled in bed that night, your body detached from the Earth for a while when you panicked in your (too) many thoughts of Peter and other things, although you don't remember what those other things are because its easier to just say one thing, despite him being the hardest thing to say at all. You had to stumble out of bed and lay on the ground– on your side because the very back of your head still hurt– look at things in your room one at a time, then listen to things outside one at a time, tell yourself what apricots and your favorite tea taste like before you could finally feel the carpet beneath you again. Your head spun with busyness and contradictions as you got back in bed, but you slept right away and that was all left to touch in the morning.

And Ned was true to his word; when he had to hang up to catch a bus, he made sure to text Peter when he got a seat. It took him ten tries, but he decided to bluntly tell Peter that he's been talking to you, and then gently ease into his proposal of hanging out again. Then, because he stayed with Peter in those months you were gone, he felt it was right to hook another text onto that one: he knew you felt something for him, and he told Peter that he didn't knew exactly what you were feeling (and that you probably didn't either) but that it was something reminiscent of strong love, broken love, fear, and a lot of missing him. You had looked bewildered at the mention of Peter, and he told him that, too. Told him that he should try with you. Told him that you needed him to try with you, or, at the very least, you needed him (not him, but him there, you needed his nearness, the familiarity Ned had fulfilled had to be filled by more than just him). And Peter answered with time, so he went back to the usual, being the Earth boy he always was, sleeping close to the ground on the first floor of a cheap apartment that looked magical later that week when he taped up all of his posters and switched out the bright, fluorescent white lights for the yellowed lights he always preferred because they look more like sunlight.

So Peter, in his dress shirt and nice pants and new shoes, sitting with his back straight against the wall near the entrance of his apartment, still sweating from the conversation that had happened hours earlier, closed his eyes and remembered you in the moonlight like you had remembered him and Ned in the sunlight, he remembered those many late night conversations he had with you in which he was filled to the brim with nothing but nerves and stress and anxiety, he remembered how you'd remind him all night and day and week that he was important and needed and okay and here, on this planet, in this town, living and breathing and growing and that he's not as small as he felt nor as big as he fears. He remembered how you'd call him sunshine, sunshine and he told Ned that he needs you because he wants to hear that again. A sky boy he was– he was constricted and bound by his own breathing so he threw off his clothes, pulled on his suit of red and blue, and sprinted across the roof of a long, tall building so he could jump off and then web himself to the next building. He toppled over and rolled along the hard surface of what was probably some apartment complex, he stared up at the last sky blues for the day and panted. His throat burned with his wheezes, but soon he smelled the city and smiled, deep in his mind he was sure that you'd call him sunshine, sunshine again soon. He slept long after you and Ned had fallen to slumber, after flying around buildings and waving at an infant and helping an older couple catch their bus.

[diaryofasmallghost-blog]

Background

OK so quick update: Landed a cool job on a TV show that was out of town for a week. It was amazing and I made some great connections, but I also got into a car accident on the way there (my dumbass fault) and can’t afford my deductible to fix my car. At least it is just cosmetic, but I feel like such a ghetto bitch driving around with a jacked up car. Between that job and another random gig I did for the marketing company I freelance for I have at least enough $ for my bills the next month, but I’m still trying to get more work so I can contribute to rent and fix my car and other things. 

Now, a little background on what I went through in the last year and a half for some perspective:

I was living a pretty good life in Southern CA. I had a dog (still have her), lived in a house with cool roommate, was going to film school, working full time at a job I didn’t really like but wasn’t terrible. Also did some freelance stuff for a marketing company. I had dealt with depression before but never got any sort of treatment and was feeling pretty good at this time. My mom has been sick for a long time and had gotten to the point where I felt like I should move back home to help with her and the house and to be able to spend time with my mom and family. Both my younger sister and dad told me that she wasn’t doing well and they thought I should move back which I really took to heart (my dad apparently doesn’t remember this). Anyways, I quit my job and moved home. I figured out how to enroll in school over there quickly because I really wanted to stick with that. So I ended up having to get a loan for out of state tuition. I knew I wanted to move back to Southern CA at some point and was trying not to lose my CA residency while I was out of town, so I avoided getting a job over there but luckily I had enough work with the marketing company that works with movie studios to pay my bills while I was there. I was actually making a LOT of money and getting everyone I liked in school cool jobs too. 

The situation at my house was very tense. My mom has either very severe Parkinsons disease or Multiple System Atrophy depending on what doctor you ask, apparently “there’s no way to know for sure until autopsy”. The main difference is people with MSA survive 10 years tops. She’s had a brain surgery that just made her condition worse. At this point, she couldn’t speak clear enough for anyone to understand her and couldn’t walk among other serious problems. So I would try to keep the house clean, help with any errands, keep my mom company and be patient trying to understand her and have conversations with her. She actually cried and said that I was the only one who listened to her once. I understand it can be really frustrating to try to understand her at all and it is easier to just walk away, but I also know how it must be a million times more frustrating to my mom to not be able to communicate. 

My dad was having a really hard time with my mom being sick as well and not dealing with it well. He’s also had his health issues (brain tumor and 2 brains surgeries, not cancerous but in a dangerous spot). He retired to be there and take care of my mom. Now my dad is an amazing person and a great father, incredibly smart and funny and just all around awesome. But he was very frustrated and angry with the whole situation,understandably. He would snap at me, my mom, and sister, go around yelling and cussing at the top of his lungs, and was just generally very unpleasant to be around. It was to the point where sometimes I’d go sleep in my car for a few days at a time to avoid being around him. 

So anyways, after a few month of living there I guess the stress really got to me and triggered something dormant in my brain (says my psychiatrist). I remember it starting with me reading some books like the secret and think and grow rich by Napoleon Hill. It was about the law of attraction and thinking positive thoughts. So I tried to control every single thought I had and make them all positive. I started looking at what successful people had in common and put those things into practice as well. These were things like exercising, drinking water constantly, eating healthy,waking up early, volunteering for charities. I for some reason decided to re-launch a clothing line that I had had that went out of business and started working on a new business plan. Then suddenly I was having trouble sleeping. I tried everything including medication but no matter what I just could not sleep. As the sleepless days went on, I started to have constant racing thoughts. At first I thought I was just excited about the business and I had so many ideas, I started carrying a notebook and constantly writing my ideas. I would lay down every night trying to sleep, but have to jot something down every couple of minutes and never get any sleep. But I felt great!! I was “healthier” than ever in my mind. I had so much energy despite not sleeping for days. I cleaned and organized EVERYTHING. I went out to eat at places by myself and sat at the bar and made friends with whoever was sitting next to me (normally I’m pretty shy) and they would even pay for my meals sometimes. I felt super confident, which is something I’ve always struggled with. I was incredibly happy, I thought “is this what it’s like to not be depressed?” Then the constant racing thoughts became more and more delusional. I got really into the Illuminati and wanting to join them because I thought they were the most successful people. I also did a lot of research on how to win the lottery and thought the two were connected. I thought that my dad was in the illuminati because I saw him as very successful. I thought that in order to join the Illuminati, you had to know someone from the illuminati and that they would give you “tests” to pass, and if you pass them all then you’re in. I also thought it was VERY secret and that you weren’t supposed to know you were being tested or talk about it to ANYONE or else they would kill you or trick you into killing yourself. This is probably why no one noticed my mental illness for a little while, I was keeping all my crazy thoughts secret. Although I’m sure they noticed my weird behavior. So I thought that every stranger I saw was secretly a spy for the Illuminati and that I was constantly being watched and talked about, I thought my house and car were bugged and they were always listening. I had so many delusions I can’t even keep track of them all or list them all. I was completely detached from reality, had no idea what was real and what was in my mind. I remember thinking something was wrong with me because I didn’t know what was real but I didn’t know what. I thought maybe it was that my family and I were secretly vampires and my mom was sick from not drinking enough blood or getting enough sleep, because vampires don't NEED sleep but they're healthier if they do sleep ( I didn't sleep for 5 days straight). I sat my parents down and talked to them saying something was wrong with me, are we vampires, was I born a boy, did I have multiple personality disorder, are my thoughts my thoughts or am I actually hearing voices speaking to me, etc. They thought I was on drugs and I admitted I smoked weed to try to calm me down but this wasn’t like being high from weed, I smoked secretly for a year or so and could tell this wasn't from weed. Weed just made me sleepy and I just wanted some sleep. But anyways my dad is very against drugs and thought oh she’s just high and told me to go to sleep and I’d feel better in the morning. So in my mind, I took it as if he didn’t want to admit my illuminati theory was true and it must be real. I continued to have delusions for awhile in secret. I couldn’t leave the house unless I was wearing green to keep me safe from someone shooting me. I was trying to pass all these “tests” I made up in my mind. I texted my boss from the marketing company some very crazy stuff during this time as well. 

One day, I went to get lunch with my dad at my favorite pizza place. I became frustrated with trying to pass these tests and out of nowhere I just slammed my phone on the ground as hard as I could to prove I don’t care about money or material things. I threw my drink across the restaurant and walked into the kitchen, took off my shirt, and asked the worker if he thought I was crazy. I think I was really desperately reaching out for help in a way. The confused employee said “No, why would I think that?” and then my dad yelled at me to put my shirt on and dragged me out of there. He was yelling at me in the car and calling me stupid, asking if I realized what I had done. I was very confused and just answered “No??” I thought maybe I failed the test and now he had to kill me or something. He brought me to a psychiatrists office and I thought I was on the set of the Ellen show. I was hallucinating that all of the stuff on the walls was about me and my clothing line. I wandered around looking for the hair and makeup department until they told me to sit and wait for my private jet to take me to the Ellen show. They ended up telling my dad to take me to the hospital to make sure nothing was physically wrong with me. I still thought I was going through tests and that the hospital staff was in on it. They asked me to give a urine sample. One of the things going on in my head at the time was paying attention to signs, literal and figuratively, so I placed huge significance on any signs I saw. Well there was a sign in the bathroom that said something about throwing away the urine cups when you’re done in the red bin, so I thought I was supposed to pee in the cup and put it in the red bin. So I opened the door and theres like 4 nurses and my dad waiting for my urine sample. They asked for it and I told them I threw it in the red bin. So they made me do it again, and again I put it in the red bin. Then they got really mad at me and grabbed me and bent my wrist back really hard and dragged me to a room. I was laughing thinking it was ridiculous and asking why they were hurting me. Next they gave me a  shot in my leg of Ativan and I don’t remember anything after that until I woke up in a mental institution. I still had no clue what was going on or where I was. I thought that I was in Purgatory and had to figure out what I did wrong to get there and how to leave. In reality I could have left at any time by simply walking out the door as it was a voluntary place, I guess I agreed to go after all the drugs they gave me at the hospital. I did convince my dad to come get me after a few days even though looking back I shouldn’t have been able to leave that place yet. So anyways, thats how I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. At first I was still confused and didn’t believe my diagnosis, but I was seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist once a week and through some trial and error got on proper medication. I was still unstable for a couple of months and even had a suicide attempt and another incident that ended with me getting a 5150. That means that police officers decided I was a danger to myself or others and took me in the back of a squad car to a hospital where I was placed on an involuntary 3 day hold. I’ll probably write more about what happened but this is getting too long.

My parents ended up selling their house and going to stay in their other house for 6 months that was in another far away state shortly after all of this. So I decided to take that opportunity and move back to Southern CA (wasn’t easy!). I’ve now been here for a year and 2 weeks and haven’t really had any other mental issues besides some minor depression. I pretty much think about everything that happened to me every day though. I almost feel traumatized by it, but at the same time I just find it extremely fascinating. I’m kind of working on making a documentary about bipolar disorder right now too, which is cool because I’ve been meeting other people who have bipolar disorder and interviewing them about their experiences which are similar to mine. I would really like to be an advocate and help end the negative stigma surrounding mental illness. I want to help people who are going through what I went through.