urmomw4ntsme · 8 months ago
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i want to be a fish sometimes theyre souch losers
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fuckstories · 1 year ago
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she got that doraemon pussy. can't even walk right with it so fat. i got that gogo the furry alien pussy. we got different types of pussy. one's for sledging
he got two little bingo balls down there. she's got two fat caterpillars that make u fuck with me. it's probably like rubbing yourself on a pine cone
he's got a tiny, wee willy wonky. i've got a fat whoopee cushion and whenever i sit down a fart comes out. hers is...
she's got an absolute unit... dumptrucks. and his is like... he's got one little finger that i can feel everything through. so you have to ride it like this... "whoopsy... naughty..."
Mine is shaped like a pontoon.. hers is like the queen elizabeth II and I can barely pull out. she just comes snorting up the shore. mine's very calming though, isn't it? It's like a wooden log moving over flat water. my koala bear can't survive those waves
she's got the powertools pussy. mower, snowblower, pusher, trimmer. she can put almost anything in there. i've got a sponge. anything sharp will ruin my sponge, so be careful what you do with that thing. slow down will ya
she's got the holy grail pussy. mine's got a skull-shaped entrance. if you go too deep it's like being squeezed. and when i shake my hips, his dick goes all different directions like a starfish with cancer
he's got a little ittle baby fish. i got the whale turd of love. everytime, his little penis is like bzz bzz up and down. mine's like, kkkKKHHEEEEUUURrrr!
he's got the dumbo pussy. no wait, mine is the dumbo. because i'm a fuckin elephant. she's got an asshole... yes, where the poop comes from. ours is like a reverse teletubbie. only shit comes out of ours. she's got an actual ass, a big stankin butt... and mine's an asshole.
oh! she farted again, sorry that was her
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she's got the windmill pussy.
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br1ghtestlight · 10 months ago
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here's a list of bob's burgers episodes that focus on a specific relationship dynamic between main characters (examples: bob and louise episodes, linda and tina, gene and louise etc) obviously not including every episode where they interact with each other bcuz that would be uhh every episode. but episodes where their relationship or dynamic is the heart of the story and some silly subplots focused on their dynamic w/ each other (with probably a few exceptions)
hopefully this is helpful if you feel like watching louise/tina or bob/gene etc episodes but don't remember all the titles!!! in the future I would like to do a similar list but for ship-related episodes (fischoeder/bob episodes, rudy/louise etc) but we'll see if that happens lol
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bob and louise episodes:
s1ep9 spaghetti western and meatballs
s3ep22 carpe museum
s5ep10 late afternoon in the garden of bob and louise
s5ep20 hawk and chick
s6ep19 glued, where's my bob? (subplot)
s8ep12 the hurt soccer
s8ep18 as i walk through the alley of the shadow of ramps
s10ep20 poops! i didn't do it again
s11ep14 mr. lonely farts (subplot)
s12ep8 stuck in the kitchen with you
s13ep6 apple gore-chard (but not gory)
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gene and bob episodes:
s2ep9 beefsquatch
s3ep12 broadcast wagstaff school news (subplot)
s5ep5 best burger
s5ep14 little hard dad
s7ep18 the laser-inth
s8ep8 v for valentine-detta (subplot)
s9ep12 the helen hunt (subplot)
s10ep2 boys just wanna have fungus
s11ep7 diarrhea of a poopy kid
s12ep7 loft in bedslation (subplot)
s12ep19 a-sprout a boy
s13ep7 ready player gene
s13ep12 oh row you didn't (subplot)
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tina and bob episodes:
s1ep4 sexy dance fighting
s1ep6 sheesh! cab, bob?
s3ep7 tina-rannosaurus wrecks
s3ep10 mother daughter laser razor (subplot)
s4ep5 turkey in a can (subplot)
s4ep7 bob and deliver
s4ep17 the equestranauts
s6ep14 the hormone-iums
s6ep17 the horse rider-er
s10ep3 motor, she boat
s11ep22 vampire disco death dance
s12ep21 some like it bot part 1: eighth grade runner
s12ep22 some like it bot part 2: judge-bot day
s13ep17 crow encounters of the bird kind
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gene and louise episodes:
s1ep9 spaghetti western and meatballs
s2ep6 dr yap (subplot)
s4ep18 ambergris
s5ep17 itty bitty ditty committee
s6ep12 stand by gene
s6ep17 the horse rider-er (subplot)
s7ep5 large brother, where fart thou?
s7ep8 ex mach tina (subplot)
s7ep13 the grand mama-pest hotel (subplot)
s7ep15 ain't miss debatin' (subplot)
s9ep9 ufo no you didn't (subplot)
s9ep17 what about blob?
s9ep20 the gene mile
s10ep5 legends of the mall
s10ep10 have yourself a maily little christmas (subplot)
s10ep11 drumforgiven
s10ep14 wag the song (subplot)
s10ep15 yurty rotten scoundrels (subplot)
s10ep18 tappy tappy tappy tap tap tap (subplot)
s12ep10 gene's christmas break
s13ep11 cheaty cheaty bang bang (subplot)
s13ep14 these boots are made for stalking (subplot)
s13ep17 crow encounters of the bird kind (subplot)
s14ep5 bully-ieve it or not (subplot)
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louise and tina episodes:
s1ep6 sheesh! cab, bob? (subplot)
s3ep21 boyz 4 now
s4ep18 ambergris
s4ep20 gene it on (subplot)
s5ep7 tina tailor soldier spy
s5ep8 midday run
s5ep9 speakeasy rider
s6ep16 bye bye boo boo
s7ep6 the quirkducers
s7ep18 the laser-inth (subplot)
s8ep12 the hurt soccer (subplot)
s8ep14 the date escape (subplot)
s8ep15 go tina on the mountain
s8ep18 as i walk through the alley in the shadow of ramps
s8ep20 mission impos-slug-ble
s10ep2 boys just wanna have fungus (subplot)
s10ep12 a fish called tina
s11ep4 heartbreak hotel-oween
s11ep5 fast time capsules at wagstaff school
s11ep9 mommy boy (subplot)
s11ep15 ¿y tu tina tambie?
s12ep1 manic pixie crap show
s12ep19 a-sprout a boy (subplot)
s13ep1 to bob, or not to bob (subplot)
s13ep7 ready player gene (subplot)
s13ep8 putts-giving
s13ep10 the plight before christmas
s13ep15 the show (and tell) must go on
s14ep3 the pickleorette (subplot)
s14ep4 running down a gene (subplot)
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linda and louise episodes:
s1ep7 bed and breakfast
s3ep10 mother daughter laser razor
s4ep9 slumber party
s5ep14 little hard dad (subplot)
s5ep19 housetrap (subplot)
s6ep17 the horse rider-er (subplot)
s7ep1 flu-ouise
s7ep18 the laser-inth (subplot)
s7ep19 thelma and louise except thelma is linda
s11ep2 worms of in-rear-ment
s12ep7 loft in bedslation
s12ep17 the spider house rules
s13ep13 stop! or my mom will sleuth!
s13ep22 amelia
s14ep1 fight at the not okay chore-ral
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gene and linda episodes:
s3ep23 the unnatural
s4ep20 gene it on
s6ep17 the horse rider-er (subplot)
s8ep11 sleeping with the frenemy (subplot)
s8ep12 the hurt soccer (subplot)
s10ep3 motor, she boat (subplot)
s10ep9 all that gene
s11ep9 mommy boy
s11ep22 vampire disco death dance (subplot)
s13ep18 gift card or buy trying
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linda and tina episodes:
s2ep8 bad tina
s5ep13 little hard dad (subplot)
s7ep13 the grand mama-pest hotel
s7ep18 the laser-inth (subplot)
s8ep8 v for valentine-detta
s9ep12 the helen hunt
s10ep15 yurty rotten scoundrels
s10ep21 local she-ro
s11ep14 mr lonely farts (subplot)
s13ep11 cheaty cheaty bang bang
s13ep14 these boots are made for stalking
s14ep7 the (raccoon) king and i (subplot)
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tina and gene episodes*
*tina and gene have never had a real episode or subplot focused on their relationship dynamic so this section may be. a little sparse. and include episodes that don't focus on their relationship but have significant interactions between them. I'M TRYING MY BEST HERE THE BOB'S BURGERS WRITERS ARE GIVING ME NOTHING
s3ep16 topsy (subplot)
s4ep9 slumber party (subplot?)
s5ep17 itty bitty ditty committee (subplot kinda?)
s5ep19 housetrap (subplot)
s7ep10 there's no business like mr business business (subplot)
s7ep19 thelma and louise except linda is thelma (subplot?)
s9ep18 if you love it so much, why don't you marionette? (subplot)
s10ep12 a fish called tina
s11ep17 fingers-loose (subplot? maybe?)
s12ep8 stuck in the kitchen with you (subplot)
s12ep15 ancient misbehavin' (subplot of a subplot)
s13ep6 apple gore-chard (but not gory) (subplot)
s14ep2 the amazing rudy (subplot?)
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faint-kitten · 9 months ago
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So about Solid Snake being in Fortnite...
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by Faint_Kitten
I got into Fortnite in December 2023 for the first time. I just unlocked Snake and I have so many thoughts on it I can't completely break them all down. But I think I've done my best.
But the #1 thing I think I want everyone to know is: Despite shaving off his ass. Despite being artistically bankrupt and pushed out by Konami and Epic as a means to make money and promote the MGS Vol 2 collection.
Despite artistically, and Narratively being antithetical to Metal Gear Solid…
Snake being in Fortnite feels mechanically and tonally consistent with his legacy.
There is so much inherent "Kojima" in Metal Gear Solid. This weird blend of hyper realism, mixed with anime siliness, mixed with philosophy mixed with trying way too hard to be sombre while also mechanically being silly and then you spin around three times to puke, or Johnny does a big poop fart and all of it adds to the weird just Kojima-esque nature of the series. It extends to the love, the fandom and the humor around Metal Gear Solid. So many memes around Snake, between fan art, in jokes, and original Animations and gifs that it doesn't feel THAT weird to see him do like a...Naruto Run emote. So much of Metal Gear Solid* was a very serious drama taking place in a game that mechanically is silly and lets you do goofy shit and has elaborate bro fist handshakes played deadly serious. And Fortnite is a game where you have these characters doing goofy shit that doesn't mesh with who they are or the universe they came from all the fucking time.
You also have to realize the Battle Royale mode has big locations full of NPC's and Bosses you can kill for loot.
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The "narrative" as it is of Fortnite Chapter 5: Season 1 is (near as I can tell) that Peely the Banana has been kidnapped by the Society (who serve as the current skins for this season and AI controlled bosses and NPC's on locations of the map.) And the map is littered with their fortresses with Jonesy (I guess the main character?) Going up against them to get his friend back. Which means there are a handful of locations in the current Fortnite Map that are just Boss bases. These are bunkers, and huge mansions and little outposts that you have to be careful around because once they know you're there they will just start spawning endless enemies to try and kill you, and the attention WILL draw enemy players. So you're shooting out cameras for XP and to keep them from beeping, avoiding turrets to keep from alerting guards and keep them from chewing up your health.
Guards already had the "?" and "!" system for showing if they detected you, despite having no inherent stealth mechanics in the game or any intention of introducing MGS. They didn't do this FOR an MGS tie in. There are recruitable companions and they can't speak so a way for players and enemies to detect if their companion "senses" an enemy player is to use the "?" and "!" system. While it doesn't mean that much without him. This is very clearly taken from Metal Gear, and as a result the alert system feels very natural around Snake.
In game modes where you have teams of two three or Four players, you get downed like Gears of War or Apex, and have to be revived. You can crawl and move. But players who are on their feet can pick you up and sling you over their back, or even yeet you to safety.
Enemy Players can do this too.
When I play Team modes by myself (I am alone, everyone else is in a team) I frequently pick enemies who wandered off of their pack and pick them off, tossing them somewhere their team mates can't get to or won't find them specifically to draw them in to their rescue.
Additionally there IS wildlife to hunt: Chickens, Frogs and Fish which give you medium effect healing items.
The game has items you can put on to "disguise yourself" like bushes, or snowmen during christmas that work EXACTLY like the card board boxes in MGS (though it's debatable if players are convinced by anything but the bush)
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All of this was going on BEFORE Snake was unlockable. (I don't know if the camera's and bosses stuff existed before this season)
Which means that MECHANICALLY. Snake doesn't feel out of place at all in Fortnite.
It's super weird when a Xenomorph, or Spiderman, or a Ninja Turtle, or Goku, or a teen from My hero Academia, or Eleven from stranger things comes in and starts mowing people down with an assault rifle. The disconnect is part of the charm for better or worse, and it's both amusing and horrifyingly upsetting when you think about these characters sold as nothing but IP to get rich off of being so taken out of context from their character's intended art, themes and meaning.
It's just weird to see bright bubbly Mina from My Hero shooting people dead. Spiderman doesn't kill people, that's the Punisher, it's fucking weird to have Spiderman just gunning people down, if you get my gist.
It's super fucking weird to see these characters handle a fire arm and move around in a shooter. They feel less like themselves and more like what they are: A skin of a popular thing, plugged into a world to please fans and rake in money. It's fucking weird to see Spider-man holding a firearm.
It is NOT weird to watch Solid Snake do it. As a result of this, Snake kind of slips into the absurd world of Fortnite rather well.
It feels kind of cool strip snake of all like falling trail effects and just watch him super-hero sky dive toward a giant compound full of NPC's and land on the roof (It looks cooler in the dead of night but I didn't get a screenshot of it)
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It's not weird to experience Snake in Fortnite's world handling Fortnite's mechanics. Because so many of the mechanics and the tone feels distinctly normal for Metal Gear Solid. This is not the first time Snake has been pawned out as a mascott to other properties.
It's weird as hell to watch Kratos blow a car up with a rocket launcher. That is not a part of his world, you see. It's NOT weird to watch Snake fire an RPG at anything. It's not weird to watch Snake do a bulk of the things he can do in Fortnite.
It's not weird to watch Snake run around a forest and shoot a frog or hunt a chicken for it's meat because we've played Snake Eater
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It's not weird to hide in a bush as Snake:
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It's not weird to watch snake shoot someone or Reload a fire-arm. The Snowy Mountains bases, the outposts, the big mansions and small cities the open world all feel like places Snake has been at home in, from Shadow Moses, to the Middle East, it's not unusual to see Snake* surrounded by girders and steps and concrete and cabins and tents and forrests etc. It's not weird to watch Snake pick someone up who's downed and carry them over his shoulder, or chuck them into a closet: We've seen this in MGS V: The Phantom Pain. Metal Gear Solid kind of invented a lot of these mechanics.
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There isn't that much about Snake in the following footage seems out of place for Metal Gear Solid:
Snake doesn't feel out of place in fortnite. It might feel sacriligious for the biggest thing in gaming adding snake (with no cheeks I might add) to it's roster to be eyerolling or cringe. But Snake doesn't feel "too good" for fortnite. But he also doesn't feel like a total shill in fortnite either. A lot of the gear and missions and challengees to unlock him felt like a someone was asked to put together activities at a Metal Gear Solid themed birthday party (Use hiding spots. Shoot out 2 cameras. Fire an RPG, shoot silenced weapons, uses the disguise mechanics, travel in the disguise items. hack Trains or Vaults) the Emote could have easily been just the alert noise over Snake's head, but they put it on a freaking stick, Wile E Coyote style.
There's a weird Fortnite blend of "Lets make something as cheaply as possible in some places and yet give some things the love and attention that comes from making 5billion in revenue a year affords you." that shows up in everything they do. And they clearly put a lot more effort into this promotion than they did the Family guy stuff (not that I care one way or the other about Family guy I'm just calling it like I see it.) To be honest Snake has been shilled out to so many other games for cross promotion over the years this is hardly his first.
Snake has been blended with many things like Ape Escape, Smash Bros, and Monster Hunter. Seeing him along other games and even other characteres not of MGS's worldbuilding doesn't feel that odd. Snake has kind of left his "world" behind many times. Which is...kind of in keeping with Snake being this cipher? This character the player slips on. Snake is a character an icon but he's also this THING puppeted by us. A lot of games work to break this illusion to make us forget we're not Kratos, or We're not Nathan Drake but ever since Metal Gear Solid 1 Kojima's writing has been pretty clear there's "something" that drives snake. Not motivationally, but literally piloting him giving him what he needed to succeed (us). To put it simply. Snake has always been a bit Meta as a character. And it's hard to see liscenced characters (sold for up to 15 dollars a pop) as themselves when we're piloting them telling them to drink slurp juice out of jars, or swing a pickaxe or or sing "The Real Slim Shady" or do cutesy Jpop dances. All of this is to say, having played MGS 1 through TPP: nothing about this gameplay feels that out of character for Metal Gear aside from the cartoony art style. The look and feel of Fortnite naturally lends itself to having Snake as a Playable character in it. Narratively, Thematically, Fortnite is almost antithetical to Metal Gear Solid. But tonally, and mechanically, it feels in keeping with the series.
Part of this is just the fact that Kojima's games have always been ahead of the curve when it comes to what you can do in gameplay and so many of these things were adopted by gaming later that slotting Snake back into mechanics his games inspired just doesn't feel disjointed. So many games have copied Metal Gear Solid over the years and became main stream. MGS has also had it's own unique air owing to both Kojima's own unique style and the weirdness/humor brought about as the game tries very seriously to balance it's story and themes against poop jokes, and mechanics that are often very silly but very fun and a total detachment from the poe faced somberness snake goes for or is possibly trying to mock. This, overall is a chunk of what makes metal gear feel like metal gear. The mechanics of Fortnite feel eerily comparable to the mechanics of later Metal Gear games (especially MGS V) .
And the tonal disconnect between what Metal Gear games are doing as a plot, and the inherent nonsense the mechanics provide contrasting it, have always been a part of MGS and it's charm, and that's kind of what makes Fortnite the thing it is today? You have a very serious plot about war and the military and a gravely voiced man and then in the corner a Vampire man does a big dance, and large bi-pedal mechs moo like cows. It's why any time any popular thing is announced in fortnite it kind of becomes a joke. Very serious Rapper Eminem is in Fortnite, and has his personal OC Slim Shady as a playable skin, and he's shoving his hand in Pinata's and chugging slurp juice, it's kind of weird to see someone who takes themself so seriously dancing at the whims of whoever controls him. But that's been a core part of Metal Gear and the Metal Gear Solid Franchise, and the fandom forever. I dunno. I'm not trying to defend the fact that Fortnite is a center for companies to strip their IP of all love and meaning and sell it to us as pure nostalgia and profit. I'm just trying to say I was surprised by how weirdly normal (and to be honest kind fun) it felt to run around RPing Solid Snake in fortnite and I've been at it all day. As someone who originally didn't care one way or the other, and felt kind of cynical about such a beloved character being absorbed into this mess: I'm kinda glad he's here now.
*I know Snake and Big Boss (and by extension Venom/Punished Snake/Boss) are all different characters. But for the sake of this discussion I dipped in and out of talking about Solid Snake and "Snake" (any) as a whole in Metal Gear as a whole
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torchflies · 4 months ago
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Having a deep conversation with my brother and figured you'd either know or find it funny
Do fish fart??
They have to, right??!!!?
I absolutely find it funny and I snorted so loudly that I could hear the JUDGMENT from my mom’s dog 🤣🤣
They actually don't! Well, most don't. They can't really do the expelling gas part. It just comes out when they poop. 😉🤣
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jof1jokes · 1 year ago
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Funny Joke
baseball jokes - romantic texts - monkeys funny - army jokes - history jokes - engagement quotes - you lied - olds - student jokes - irish jokes - butterfly wings - school quotes funny - insurance humor - drunk humor - funny old age quotes - funny analogies - siblings funny - prince charming funny - amazing stories - butterfly quotes - fishing quotes funny - poor quotes - christmas gift jokes - irish funny - mom life quotes - success quotes and sayings - birthday jokes - married life quotes - firefighter humor - lost wallet - serious quotes - funny english jokes - shoe repair - priest - beautiful quotes - sympathy bouquets - eye jokes - beer jokes - ceramics pottery art - casual relationship - funny marriage jokes - funny street signs - rorschach test - the donkey - construction humor - sister jokes - i do love you - grape bunch - poor - prayer stories - mom humor - i take a nap - snow quotes funny - solving - government jobs - job humor - country jokes - inspirational friend quotes - being there for someone quotes - dear self quotes - straw - animals funny cats - old married couple - polished man - hotel humor - good wife - angel quotes - motivational poems - funny wednesday quotes - high school funny - pilot humor - wisdom quotes life - catholic men - funny women quotes - how to look better - butter - fat pig - new funny jokes - funny feelings - funny cartoon quotes - bad mom quotes - cute little kittens - paddy jokes - cute little animals - good looking women - funny jokes - presidents - guys be like - wolf - husband and wife love - funny physics quote - funny relationship jokes - funny cartoons jokes - wedding anniversary wishes - trumpeter - wrong number - engineering student humor - bible jokes - tax day - cat jokes - church quotes funny - ways to show love - doctor - janitor - angel stories - inspirational poems - sleepless - anniversary quotes for husband - nice poetry - funny math jokes - broken arm - friday night at home funny - teacher quotes funny - good morning happy - father son quotes - find a boyfriend - silly jokes - beautiful roses - how to order coffee - army humor - lesson quotes - kintsugi - doctor care - good clean jokes - condoms funny - collision course - caught in a trap - hospital humor - funny love story - stories with moral lessons - marital advice - positive quotes for life motivation - whiskey and you - big family dinner - horse jokes - fart jokes - funny p - passbook - funny toasts - graze - two men - life quotes family - in high school - love deeply - sarcastic quotes funny - fudge recipes - grandma funny - cooking lessons - wolf call - public execution - funny images laughter - elderly man - first date funny - shadow wolf - best dad jokes - old quotes - cute funny animals - east village - fishing humor - did you know funny - funny true stories - chocolate chip - clean humor funny - italian joke - blonde jokes - dear daughter - hair jokes - high school teacher humor - funny billboards - lady - studying funny - morning jokes - late night jokes - boyfriend and girlfriend jokes - funny work jokes - cold calling - funny jobs - christmas tale - old man funny - moral stories - lawyer humor - husband jokes - poop jokes - being a landlord - love good morning quotes - drive all night - funny truck quotes - mom thoughts funny - inspirational stories motivation - russian humor - blackest night - projects to try - retirement humor - wake me up - inspirational quotes about love - inspirational christmas stories - jolly phonics - stormy - garden bridge - inspirational quotes god - amish men - poultry farm - funny words - funny old sayings - encouraging bible quotes - third grade teacher - jokes photos - friends quotes - life quotes pictures - bad day humor - overworked quotes - blonde guys - wooden bowls - cookies recipes chocolate chip - funeral jokes - boyfriend humor - fox - women jokes - moving to canada - lectures funny - just smile - birthday quotes for daughter - it hurts - wisdom quotes funny - dog jokes - funny inspirational quotes - local butcher - running jokes - vocabulary words
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godawefulmidgetscripts · 2 years ago
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Kelly is in charge of the midgets but theyre naughty and full of bullshit and gross and she screams at them all the time. John is secretly evil and wants nothing more than to capture those disgusting midgets but he cant do it without an unsuspecting evil sidekick...... cash. Cash hates the nasty midgets because his mom spends her days yelling and pulling the midgets out of dumpsters and urinals instead of giving him 110% of her undivided attention. John also believes those god awful midgets have magic antibiotic abilities. After all, how could two creatures never shower and roll around on the bathroom floors of a CTA subway station without getting sick.
-Episode #1 "The Concert"-
-Scene #1-
Scene begins with the midgets mostly naked pouring milk onto the couch and taking turns sitting in the milk puddle while the other laps up the milk with their cupped hands. Their apartment is littered with what appears to be cartoonish toxic sludge and fish bones with big X's through their eyes
Charlie:
(softly groaning as he licks his couch milk hands) This doesnt have enough leg grease rub your legs together like a cricket.
Megan:
(Panting and out of breath) I think I peed too much in the milk puddle i can feel a rash starting
The phone rings. It's Kelly and she is furious. Charlie picks up the phone with his feet and holds it to Megans ear while rubbing her eyebrow with his milky toes
Kelly(voice on phone):
What in the fucking fuck? Youre 3 days, not hours, motherfucking days late for work you nasty little shits!
Megan:
(Crying) Charlie had a blister and it popped in my mouth and we got locked in the bathroom again when we were pooping dont be mad at us!!
Kelly(voice on phone):
I fucking swear to motherfucking god.... Last week one of you shat the car this week youre sucking on blisters. Im fucking done. So motherfucking done.
fart bubbles form in the milk around megans thighs as Charlie begins to smear butter around his lips
Megan:
(Crying) Well can you come get us then because i left my car keys under the toilet at Dry Dock and Charlie cant drive with his blister?
Megan begins licking the butter from charlies face as she cries
Kelly(on the phone):
Fine. Just motherfucking dandy. Un-fucking-believable..... I'll be there in 5 minutes. 5. Not 10. Not an hour. 5 motherfucking minutes. And i motherfucking swear to fucking god if you nasty motherfuckers have fucking cottage cheese in your pockets and it gets on my motherfucking seats a-motherfucking-gain....
Megan:
(Crying) We ate all the cottage cheese we're just waiting for it to come out so we can take it to the science fair at work
Kelly(on the phone):
Honestly what the fucking fuck. At no fuckinh point in my entire motherfucking career have we ever had a motherfucking science fucking fair. Put clothes on NOW. 5 fucking minutes or i swear to fucking.....
Phone cuts off because no one put it on the charger last night. Camera pans up as what can only be assumed is an absolutely disgusting sexual act takes place
camera cuts to john in a black limousine usuing binoculars to spy through the window. John is wearing a black suit and top hat. Cash is also wearing a suit and top hat
John:
(visibly disgusted) Fuck me this is god aweful. Literally what the actual fuck is this shit. Like fucking why?
Cash:
(Snarling noises)
John:
Tonight we plan. Those filthy creatures and their secrets will be ours!!! We'll be pharmaceutical millionaires!!!! Millionaires I say!!!!
Cash:
(Barks and wags with excitement)
John:
Driver!!! To our secret club house...... theres work to be done
John and Cash laugh as the window rolls up
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sirislayer · 3 years ago
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Listening to the Zoox Swarm descriptions makes me think that Zoox as a living sentient biotope also probably is not just coral, armor and rock, but also has parts of actual ethersea water stored within because somehow these fish gotta breathe!
So what this means is Brinarr are basically sentient walking fish tanks. And sometimes they need the ethersea shower to just get rid of the old lame water inside.
(Also maybe that means brinarr don't poop but the fish that live inside them do) edit: the bubble fart boots are actually part of the pump system for the water
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neptuneofthesky · 3 years ago
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MCC 16 WINNER’S POV [RECAP]
PINK PARROTS
BADBOYHALO
DREAM
F1NNE5TER
SEAPEEKAY
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Dream’s skin had a purple ribbon on it (everyone else was wearing it), I saw it on 5upp’s stream, at first I was just switching, because there was a lot of time left, I was on Bad’s munchy mc stream first, then I was on Fundy, Punz, Jack, etc, and also, George looked so freaking cool what? Then I stayed there and watched George training ponk, it was so fun to watch lmao, he literally had a stopwatch and whistle with him, then Quackity joined the server, and he was using that demonic autotune and then Quackity and Ponk and a speed bridge race, which was just chaos, and then Quackity asked for Ponk’s meat, and then they had fun in the fun zone, then Quackity turned off his autotune, and then George said that if then had fun in the fun zone he’ll give them a prize, and as you expected they had fun in the fun zone, it was really fun to watch lmao.
“Forfeit Deez Nutz bitch” - Quackity to Ponk, 2021
And then I went to Wilbur's stream for a second, where he was talking about fart spaces, then I went to Ranboo’s stream, where he was talking about that he will turn off his face cam while the actual game.
Then I went to poop.
Then I went back to George's stream, where they were just fooling around, I mean, practicing, and then Quackity said George's headband and wrist bands look like Italy but George said it was Germany.
Then George did a very very terrifying demonic laugh, I actually got scared, and then Callahan also joined the server.
“Wel,” - Quackity, 2021
“Come.” - Ponk, 2021
And then Callahan killed quackity and left the game.
And then they started fooling around, Callahan joined the game again.
“Ponk, I'm sorry I slept with your mother” - Quackity, 2021
And then Quackity and Ponk started a duel, Ponk won the first round.
“He slept with my momma!” - Ponk, 2021
Ponk also won the second round, but Quackity won the last round and then George played sad music.
And then I joined Bad’s stream, who was playing hole in the wall with Tommy and fell every. Single. Time.
And then he said that we literally don't know how much he practiced, and he said he muffined up his first mcc. And then he was just hyping himself up, he said he kind of had food poisoning.
“It’s victory or death, or maybe- maybe not death, or maybe, if I don't win, no muffins for one week.”- Badboyhalo, 2021
And then everybody left to go to the main server, and he was all alone, he didn't know there was a main server, and then he joined the main server.
“Victory tastes so much like Gatorade.” - Badboyhalo, 2021
And then he went to the burger shop, it was adorable lol.
“Everybody needs a little bit of violence in their life.” - Badboyhalo, 2021
“Violence with the spatula!” - Badboyhalo, 2021
I got scared, so I went to Dream’s stream.
Everyone was being so supportive in the chat I got emotional.
“Mcc is like Christmas morning.” - Dream, 2021
And then Seapeekay joined the call, then Bad also joined, Finn was just vibing.
And then Seapeekay gave an interview and then George and Sapnap were twerking on each other, Dream paused as he stared at them, Bad came in between them, and then George and Sapnap pretended like nothing happened.
Finn joined the call.
“I'm mugging you for your crown!” - Badboyhalo to Dream, 2021
Badboyhalo woke up and chose violence.
Also, Ranboo had 200k + viewers!
And then Dream distributed burgers and they all went to the decision dome.
Seapeekay boo-ed at build mart.
They decided to vote for grid runners, almost everyone wanted grid runners.
1st Game: Grid Runners
Dream said that he was the narrator and read the whole guide.
They decided if they had to split, Bad and Dream, and Seapeekay and Finn will stay together.
1st Challenge: Jungle Temple
They had to kill all the mobs
2nd Challenge: Bakery
They had to eat all the cakes present in the bakery
3rd Challenge: Sawmill
They had to push the gold; there were a couple of red stone powered buttons, and they had to push them at the same time to complete the challenge
4th Challenge: Wild west
They had to shoot the targets(mobs)
5th Challenge: Kitchen
They had to gather the items, like bread, steak, fish, etc
6th Challenge: Golf
There were four towers, and they had to punch each other on each tower, for example, Callum punched Bad in a tower, Callum also punched Finn and he also punched Dream to Finn, then Finn punched Dream to the final tower.
7th Challenge: Tower
They had to unlock the exit; they had to pull levers for the blocks to push ahead, as Dream complete a parkour course to reach a top to get a key and finish the challenge
8th Challenge: Prison
They had to copy a sculpture; Dream and Finn directed them, Bad and Callum placed the blocks, kind of like build mart, but the sculpture is in another room.
9th Challenge:
Just a simple race to reach the end
They ended up in 3rd place in this game!
Overall, they end up in 3rd place again.
Dream predicted that red will end up in dodgebolt.
Then he did an ad for mcc, promoting grid runners.
And then Callum and Dream went to watch the greens.
And then went to watch blue bats, who were stuck on the tower challenge. Then they hyped them up, but sadly blue couldn't complete the course, but they still did well!!
And then Rat made a barking appearance.
Niki was in the first place!!!<333 Good job Niki!!! (i smiled so hard)
And then Finn expressed excitement about mcc merch.
And then they went to decision dome,
2nd Game: Sky Battle
1st Round
They told they had a special strategy, their communication skills were looking good
Dream got 4 kills.
Bad got 1 kill.
Finn got 0 kills.
Callum got 2 kills.
They got 3rd place!
2nd Round
Ponk killed Bad
And Dream got George.
"I was a little too aggressive there." Dream, 2021
Dream got 5 kills.
Bad got 1 kill.
Finn got 1 kill.
Callum got 2 kills.
Then they re-strategized.
2nd round was really fun to watch
They ended up in 4th place!
3rd Round
The chemistry of Callum and Dream was amazing this round.
Dream got 6 kills.
Bad got 2 kills.
Finn got 2 kills.
Callum got 5 kills.
They got 6th place!
Dream was in 5th place in this game!
They were in 4th place overalls!!
Dream had a special strategy including the lava bucket, but the lava bucket was removed so it threw them off.
3rd Game: Parkour Tag
Ponk had to pee so they had to wait a little.
“You could pee on a desk!” Seapeekay and Dream, 2021
1st round
Dream was the hunter, he got them alL
Unfortunately, all the runners got hunted.
But since Dream hunted the opposite team quicker, they won this round.
2nd round
Dream was the hunter again, he also got them all quickly
This time all the runners were alive!!
They were also in the first place in the game.
3rd round
Seapeekay was hunting this time, he got them all!
The runners except Dream got hunted.
They were still in first place.
4th round
Seapeekay was he hunter again, they did the bait and switch (dream pretended he was the hunter), but he couldn't get George,
"Gogy didn't miss any jump." - Seapeekay, 20221
Finn was suddenly CRACKED in this round.
They tied but overall ended up in first place.
5th round
Seapeekay was the hunter again, he got them all
All the runners got tagged.
It was tied again, but they still won because they tagged them quicker.
They were in first place again overall!
6th round
Dream was the hunter he got them all really quickly,
All the runners got tagged by Sapnap (good job Sapnap<33)
But the pinks still won because they got them quicker.
they were in the first place again!
7th round
Finn is hunting this round, he only got 2 of the runners
All the runners got tagged by Quig!
They end up in 3rd place overall.
8th round
[Finn was doing a dream cosplay]
Seapeekay was the hunter this time, he got them all
All the runners got tagged too
But the pinks still won because they got them quicker.
They end up in second place overall.
9th round
Dream was the hunter, he got them all. (all of the reds)
All the runners were tagged too by Tommy. (good job Tommy!!)
Wilbur and dream had a… weird interaction lol
They won this time too for quickly tagging them.
They did really good this game!!
Dream was in the first place in this game!!
They ended up in 3rd place overall!!
Seapeekay complimented George's jumping skills.
They also complimented Captain Sparklz.
4th Game, TGTTOSAWAF
Seapeekay was determined to beat Philza Minecraft
Round 1
Callum - 1st (suck it Philza Minecraft)
Dream - 21st
Bad - 29th
Finn didnt get to finish, (it's alright!!<33)
Round 2
Dream - 1st
Callum - 10th
Finn - 20th
Bad - 33rd
“Knowing Tommy, he probably got in a punching match, he punched the wrong person and they were like, 'oh Tommy you are going down.' " - Dream, 2021
Round 3
Bad - 4th
Finn - 6th
Callum - 9th
Dream - 15th
They were the first team to finish and were in first place overall!!
“Where is my 1.7 trillion luck?!” - Dream, 2021
Round 4
Dream - 3rd
Callum - 11th
Finn - 15th
Bad - 18th
they were the first team to finish this time too and were also in first place overall again!!
also, Scott punched Niki off, but then he also apologized
Round 5
Finn - 10th
Callum - 12th
Dream - 20th
Bad - 39th (he could've finished early but a 'blue muffinhead' punched him off so he just bridged from the start lmao)
They were in first place overall!!
Round 6
Dream - 7th
Finn - 11th
Callum - 10th
Bad - 22nd
Their team was the second one to finish after aquas!!
They were in first place overall in the game!
Seapeakay was in 1st place, Dream was in 3rd in the game!
They were in 2nd place overall!!
Seapeekay was in all pink (he looked banger honestly)
Dream was in 2nd place overall!
Seapeekay got 3rd place overall!
5th Game: Survival Games
The twitter voting one, they told everyone to vote build mart, but then changed to sands of times (very rigged lmao, I got confused at the end)
everybody went to pee/water/etc, Dream was alone so he just stayed silent for the first minute then complemented Sapnap, and when everyone was back,
“Spinach slaps.” - Finnester, 2021
“Spinach is in the way of my screen.” - Finnester, 2021
When the game started, they did the buddy system, Seapeekay and Finn, Dream and Bad, and they technically decided to stick together.
Their communication and coordination were phenomenal.
Dream’s leadership skills, oh my god, just, perfection.
Even tho they lost, their communication was very very good.
“This whole game sticks on me” - Tommyinnit, 2021
Red rabbits were “arguing” in the chat lmao, what was really happening??
They ended up in 7th place in the game and 3rd place overall!
They all got crossbows as they all shot build mart chickens.
6th Game: Ace Race
Bad made sudden chicken noises out of nowhere making everyone laugh.
“What noise does a chicken make?” - Seapeekay, 2021
“Gobble gobble.” - Badboyhalo, 2021
“What noise does a chicken make? 'Hi I'm George.'” - Dream, 2021
“What is the national anthem for the UK?” - Badboyhalo, 2021
“Take it away Finn.”- Seapeekay, 2021
*Finn bursts out laughing*
Also, Dream did a skip at the starting of the course which got him from 18th to 3rd!
Dream - 3rd
Callum - 4th
Bad - 9th
Finn - 24th
They did really good!!
Dream had the fasted lap!
They ended up in first place this game!
They ended up in 2nd place overall!
Seapeekay in 5th, Dream in 4th overall!!
7th Game: Build Mart (tubbo cringe /j)
Tubbo fell in the decision dome and punched the chickens in build mart even tho most of the teams didnt want build mart.
"sapnap: tubbo SUCKS
tubbo: hi sapnap"
I was so confused the whole time, I kind of spaced out lmao, like build mart makes my head hurt not even joking.
They got 7th place in build mart!
They got 2nd place overall!!
aquas dunked pinks lol
8th Game: Sands Of Times
I don't really know how to explain sands of times, but it was super fun to watch, so I suggest you go watch it!! Their coordination and communication was super cool
"badboyhalo looks at a ravager: it's the rhino thingy! Is it a triceratop?"
And that sudden music in it, my soul left my body not even joking
Their team coins were 5439!
Dream three 3 tomatoes at Tommy,
Dream asked Niki if she wanted to throw tomatoes at anyone she wants, but she was beating herself up, Niki you did good<33
They got second place overall!! (8th place reddit? really?)
then something happened with dream's nails
The Final Showdown: Dodgebolt
Purple Pandas vs Pink Parrots
First-Round
Punz, Puffy, and Ponk cheered Bad up through the chat.
Fruit got Seapeekay
Dream got Fruit (get the birthday boy lmao)
Scott got Bad
Dream got Scott
Punz cheered Dream up through the chat
Then Dream also got Grian, and Joel (smallishbeans)
Puffy cheered up the pinks through the chat
Pinks won the first round!
“I'm putting my blood sweat and tears into this!” - Dream, 2021
Dream was literally bleeding and laughing at the same time lmao
Second-Round
Fruit got Dream
Grian got Bad
Fruit got Seapeekay
Ant and Spifey cheered Finn up through the chat.
Finn got Fruit
Finn got Scott
Joel got Finn
Jack cheered up Finn thought the chat
Purple won the second round!
Thrid-Round
Dream got Scott
Fruit got Bad
Callum got Joel
Dream got Fruit
Grian got Dream
Grian got Seapeekay
Dream told Finn to take his time, and immediately after he said that Finn got Grian
Pink won the third round!
Final-Round
When Dream was taking his time to shoot Fruit, Tommy said, "time wastr"
Joel got Bad
Callum got Scott
Dream got Grain
Callum got Joel
And then Dream fucking fell in the lava
Great birthday present Dream
Everyone was very surprised as Dream just said that game was too hard and he wanted to make it easier for Fruit
Fruit got Callum
And then Finn got Fruit immediately!!
PINK PARROTS FOR THE WIN!!
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(its 3 20 am here but i still silently screamed lmao)
[Dream will donate 21000 dollars to cancer research! Sam, Skeppy, Tapl, Finn, are also gonna match/donate!]
“I’m shaking very very hard.” - Finnester, 2021
Sapnap joined their call, Scott also joined their call, and then just discussed the game.
And sadly Scott won't paint Seapeekays’s coin pink.
Puffy and Punz raided Bad.
And they again talked about the event and stuff.
Then I may or may not have switched to George's kinoko kingdom 'lore' with Karl 👀
Then I went back to Bad, who was thanking everybody, and Bad, you were not the dead weight, you popped off, no one was the dead weight, everybody did very poggers!
Then he called skeppy, and then they talked, their 'muffiny talks'
It was honestly so cute
And then he joined the call of others, who were just discussing the game, then they talked about Sylvie popping off, I kind of stopped paying attention, I was very very sleepy.
Then they talked about how the four muffinteers should team up for the next mcc.
I'm sorry, I would’ve elaborated more, but my health wasn't the best sorry :(
They just discussed the game and all.
And
What
The
Fuck
was happening on George’s stream?
Well, it was just plain chaos, but I was still watching it.
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It was 4 am by then
and I was very much sleep-deprived.
when dream fell in the lava in dodgebolt, most of the other teams thought he did that on purpose
they really popped off in parkour tag (Dream and Seapeekay were CRACKED) and the way Finn suddenly cracked in the fourth round was phenomenal,
they ALSO popped off in tgttosawaf (Bad did so good except in the 6th round lmao)
their communication was good in survival games, but they were more on the defensive side, and they just jumped in when there was a crowd, like seapeekay said, they should’ve just waited for clean up.
but they crushed sands of times!! (Bad especially)
their communication in grid runners was really good, they figured everything out really quickly
their chemistry in sky battle was also good, maybe if lava bucket wasn't removed, they would've popped off more
and I wasn't really sure about ace race, but they all popped off, like seriously
and build mart just made my head physically hurt
I wasn't really feeling well, but I had really fun watching it!!
And once again,
CONGRATS PINK PARROTS!!!
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br1ghtestlight · 10 months ago
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I did @babsvibes's bob's burgers spreadsheet and these were my results :) not much to say about my favorite writers/directors because they're all pretty evenly rated (anyone who left the show in the early seasons might have a slight disadvantage just because i didnt enjoy those seasons as much but its not personal)
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the season rankings definitely make sense lol I used 3 stars as a neutral point as in "this episode is good and I will rewatch it but its not one i particularly go out of my way to rewatch" with 5 stars being "one of my favorite episodes of the show" and 1 star being "I actively dislike this episode and don't rewatch it ever" so most seasons being overall 3 stars makes sense to me. I'm not shocked that season 1 is my least favorite, or that 13, 10 and 8 are my favorite seasons (with season 13 being my highest rated season just based on the amount of episodes rated five stars)
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episodes that I rated five stars:
dawn of the peck
can't buy me math
house of 1000 bounces
large brother, where fart thou?
the laser-inth
v for valentine-detta
the secret ceramics room of secrets
the hurt soccer
go tina on the mountain
are you there bob? it's me, birthday
as i walk through the alley of the shadow of ramps
the fresh princ-ipal
boys just wanna have fungus
a fish called tina
poops... i didn't do it again
bob belcher and the horrible, terrible, no good, very bad kids
die card, or card trying
y tu tina también
stuck in the kitchen with you
touch of eval(uations)
the spider house rules
show mama from the grave
the plight before christmas
cheaty cheaty bang bang
what a (april) fool believes
radio no you didn't
amelia
(didnt rate them objectively based on how good the episode was, just based on how much I enjoyed the episodes. make whatever assumptions you want about me based on this list)
episodes that i rated one star (to be fair to season one I made the base rating 2 stars so that only my least favorite season one episodes would be counted, even if they'd be lower if they were in another season):
human flesh
western spaghetti and meatballs
beefsquash
the unbearable like-likeness of gene
fort night
the equestranauts
the millie-churian candidate
sexy dance healing
cheer up, sleepy gene
roller? i hardly know her!
pig trouble in little tina
dream a little bob of bob
seven-tween again
the reeky lake show
(yes any episode w/ alex or millie almost automatically got added to the lowest rating. honestly I showed an incredible amount of restraint rating video killed the gene-io star as 2 instead of 1 because i didnt want to be too mean to alex and courtney. the gene mile was saved by jimmy jr and tina's hilarious subplot)
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nuka-cola-blood-of-christ · 4 years ago
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Fallout: New Vegas
-The Latest Cool and Hip™ reboot movie from Bethesda
John McWhiteman was just an average joe working his 9-to-5 in Vegas. Stuck as a small time accountant working for the biggest casino on the strip, he dreams of making it big, when his world is turned upside down! When he’s struck by lightning on the roof, he’s suddenly transported to a wacky post apocalyptic wasteland version of the city of sin, where only the strong survive, as John quickly finds out. When he’s comically robbed at gunpoint for his favorite souvenir silver poker chip, hapless fish-out-of-water John accidentally gets caught up in a plot between the biggest gangs in the wasteland to take over the city. With a wacky, ragtag group of companions, John will encounter Boobs, guns, and just maybe… the true meaning of friendship
STARRING:
-James Mardsen as John McWhiteman
-Justin Beiber as Arcade
-John Cena as Boone
-Danny Trejo as Raul
-Matthew Perry as Benny
Mellisa McCarthy as Veronica
-Tilda Swinton as Cass The Movie:
-Constantly breaks the fourth wall and references pop culture
-it simultaneously makes inappropriate jokes as if it was aimed at adults, but it’s so stupid and juvenile that it’s also trying to appeal to kids. It constantly censors itself because they want a PG-13 rating. No one is allowed to say fuck (not even once)
-Tilde Swinton gets cast as Cass. She spends 7 months living in the Mojave desert as a ranch hand preparing for the role. She gets 5 lines in the movie and doesn’t even appear on the poster.
-There’s several poop and/or fart jokes 
-There’s a John Cena joke that has aged like milk
-Bud Light product placement
-Benny dabs
-Veronica says “ok Boomer” to Elder MacNarama
-Forced Horse Armor Joke
-An arrow to the knee joke also
-Somebody says ”It just works” when they’re talking about the Platinum chip plan
-During the tent scene Caesar says that he “cancelled” Joshua Graham
-Rex is renamed Dogmeat for no reason, also is horribly CGI’d. There are hours of embarrassing footage of a man in a morph suit acting as dogmeat in the behind the scene special features, and they attempt to pass this off as a marvelous feat of special effects 
-There’s a Todd Howard Cameo that’s incredibly unsubtle. 
-Lily is in it for 5 seconds and she’s dumb like an east coast mutant
-13 minute Benny sex scene
-In one scene Vulpes Inculta is forced to do the whip and nae nae when he’s trying to blend in in the Tops casino and he cries
-When they introduce Caesar there’s a joke about him doing aerobics in his underwear and drinking wasteland-approximate starbucks-ish drinks before he makes public appearances. We get a gratuitous ass shot for the joke while Big Booty Bitches by TSpoon DJ Squad plays over it, and it permanently haunts your mind for the rest of the film
-Danny Tejo and Matthew Perry reprise their roles, they look like they’d rather be anywhere else
-Just when you think the movie is finally about to be over, The movie ends with a dance party where Vulpes shows up again and leads the cast in what’s arguably the worst, low energy rendition of “what does the fox say” ever made. It clashes with the rest of the film tonally despite everything else in it, and the cast look like they all want to die.
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svngriv · 4 years ago
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My favorite brazilian portuguese insults and curse words s2
Because the greatness of brazilian hatred must be accessible to all 😔
Enfia um peixe no cu e diz que é sereia: "shove a fish up your ass and call it a mermaid", basically "fuck off" but make it needlessly wordy.
É de foder o cu do palhaço: "to fuck a clown's asshole", means "this is a rough situation", "this is going down in an unpredictable way"
Paquita do capeta: "devil's Paquita", Paquitas were the assistants of TV show hostess Xuxa, and they were all very similar looking to Xuxa. So, basically, devil's Paquita means "you are such a piece of shit, you've got to be the devil's stage assistant"
"Espantalho do Fandangos": this dude
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Lactovacilo vivo: lactovacilo is a combination of lactobacilo (lactobacillus) with vacilão (fuck up), so basically "a living fuck up". I'm pretty sure it started being used due to the popularity of the Yakult ad that kept mentioning the presence of "live lactobacillus" in their fermented milk.
Chup chup de chorume: "leachate ice pop", we're very good in the weird insults department
Filhote de cruz credo: "aye-aye's child", this is the aye-aye
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Vai coçar o cu com serrote: "go scratch your asshole with a chainsaw"
É de cair o cu da bunda: "to make the hole fall from the ass", meaning a stressful, surprising situation
Enfia um rojão no cu e sai voando: "shove a rocket up your ass and fly away", I don't think there's need to elaborate on what it means
Você não vale a merda que caga: "you're not worth the poop you shit"
Você não vale o peido de uma jumenta: "you're not worth a donkey's fart"
Você não nasceu, foi cagado: "you weren't born, you were shat"
Vai chupar um prego até virar tachinha: "Go suck a nail into a thumbtack"
Rasgar o cu com a unha: "rip your asshole with your nails", it can be an insult (if you tell someone to go rip their asshole with their nails) or it can mean that you're scared about something, that you're apprehensive and angry. It can also mean that someone is about to fuck someone else up
Vai arrastar o cu na brita: "Go drag your ass through gravel"
Sua certidão de nascimento é um pedido de desculpa da Jontex: "your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory"
Quando você nasceu o médico te jogou pro alto e disse 'se voar é dragão, se cair é bosta': "When you were born, the doctor threw you up and said 'if it flies it's a dragon, if it falls it's a sack of shit'"
Você é tão feio que sua incubadora tinha Insulfilm: "you're so ugly they made your incubator tinted"
Você pediu pra nascer burro?: "Did you ask to be born this dumb?"
Você parece que pegou fogo e apagaram com tamanco: "you look like you caught fire and they put it down with clog shoes"
Entra um no cu do outro e vira um Megazord: "shove one up the other's ass and turn into a Megazord"
Enfia uma dentadura no cu e vai rir pro caralho: "shove a denture in your ass and go smile at a dick"
Teu cu/meu cu: "your ass"/"my ass". The first means "no way", the second means "yes way"
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tricktster · 4 years ago
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obv not looking for Big Details so as to not make it easy to identify you, but what do you do for your job? i tried to figure it out myself, but only found "a doctorate and a ridiculously cliched, stressful, high paying, respectable corporate job" and you probably did that for a reason. however, i am intensely curious about what sort of job allowed you to write That One Letter, so do you feel comfortable shedding any more details? even broad industry (business, law, marketing, etc) would satiate
yeah, you have drawn an accurate conclusion regarding my evasiveness. I feel like whenever I actually respond to asks about what I do by saying “hahah its secret lolololol” I’m being counterproductive because it just makes it seem that much more interesting, and people are therefore much more inclined to try to figure it out? So like, just to be clear - if anyone’s reading this because they’re interested in my occupation, please do not mistake my refusal to answer as an indication that it’s something really cool or fascinating. The appropriate analysis isn’t “oh, she’s hiding something, bet it’s cool.”
Instead, consider this. Pretend you are being wheeled into a routine but still significant surgery, and as they are putting you under, just before you lose consciousness, the scrub nurse points at your surgeon and tells you:
“You have no need to worry. That doctor? She has a tumblr blog where she talks obliquely about weird things she finds in her patients’ bodies and also she likes to entertain her more than ten thousand followers, many of whom are legally defined as actual human children, by talking a lot about poop and her fish having sex and pooping and also she wrote a 400k word erotic undertale fanfic that is written in the second person and features more than one description of a videogame skeleton’s dong, and sometimes also she posts pictures of sex and poop jokes that she does on animal crossing, one of which involves a fish. Per her blog, one time she also almost peed her pants because she was high and her friend referred to the stars in the night sky as ‘juicy little bitches’ and that was so so funny to her. She has one tattoo and it includes the word ‘dude’ in large capital letters. She is in a turtle spotting contest and she also posts about that. She spends a lot of her time taking and editing videos of one axolotl who is named after an elf from a podcast about dungeons and dragons. She also plays dungeons and dragons and one of her characters is an elf who is named Glorious Sexual Magnificence and sometimes when she is playing dungeons and dragons she makes poop and fart jokes and then posts about them in her blog on teenage hellsite tumblr dot com.”
I imagine that if someone told you that, you might have serious reservations about what was going to happen next. I imagine the number of people willing to pay that surgeon money to take parts of their body out would have an exactly inverse relationship with the number of people who knew about the dumb shit that surgeon was up to.
Look: I am not a surgeon and nobody’s life is in my hands, but my line of business requires that the people who indirectly pay my salary do so because they trust that I will have the mental acumen and good judgment to do what is best for them. And, to give myself some credit, I do have those things. I do very good work. I just also happen to have a secret blog on tumblr.com that does have an awful lot of vore jokes?
I am not evasive about being identified on here because I do not want tumblr to know more about me or my job. My job is not the horrible secret here.
You are my horrible secret.
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List of crimes you have invented
Much less than I was imagining. Let's see …
A MIX OF Pissing, Pooping, and Crying: Victim and witness(s) notice that what they were doing (peeing) earlier had become much more intense (farting?) and with more liquid, consistency, and (unpleasant) odor. Unable to keep up with the increased intensity, they reluctantly stop and attempt to catch their breath.
Panic Attacks: After experiencing a handful of adrenaline-fueled panic attacks in which the entire body is over-stretched, the victim transitions into a state in which they have a sort of limp, but their thoughts are clear and their breathing is even. They are aware of everything around them, but cannot control the twitchings of their hands and legs.
Feeling of walking on Edge: Victim realizes that they have been in a place they shouldn't have been in (for example, someone pushed them into a sewer on a subway) and now they feel compelled to get out by anything means necessary. (This was my own personal nightmare when I was a very small child.)
A MIX OF Poisoning, Maggots, and Cortisol: Victim eats a meal and experiences nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and cramps. Some time later, the same symptoms recur in much higher number, but more controllable volume and consistency.
A MIX OF Shining, Punishment, and Depression: Visits to hotel room occur. Punishment is delivered in the form of a short, but bright, period of time in which the room looks like the day before, though it feels different. Disappointment is delivered in the form of loud crashing noises.
A MIX OF Swimming and Dancing: Victim takes a long hot shower. Indecision and indecisiveness hinder their ability to apply to dances. The day before the dances, they goes to a pool and attempts to scuba dive but ends up up in the water with a fish. It is unafraid of them and swimming towards them. The victim is confused and afraid and swimming and dancing are the worst possible combination.
A MIX OF Grief, Achefalling, and Springtime: Victim has big, messy, emotional argument with friend. Friend is upset and cries. Victim feels guilty and friends are sad.
A MIX OF Egg-Roasting, Achefallsing, and Spectacularly Violent Death: Victim goes to a fancy restaurant and orders "molten chocolate cake." When the cake comes, it is perfectly formed but has been transformed into a highly-magnificent crystalline ball. The head of the cake is just big enough to fit the face of the customer beside them who orders a slightly less perfect cake. They are fine with this, but their friends are not and one dies in a fiery explosion.
A MIX OF Very Sick, Showering, and Paddling: Victim experiences a fever, is nauseated, and feels sick to their stomach. But because they do not have a fever, or have one that is "mild" as opposed to "severe," they are, at best, merely sick and not actually dying of some serious and/or communicable disease. They are no longer in pain, and are fully capable of doing whatever they would like to do (although the sight of the road is terrifying).
A MIX OF Bluish-Blue, Blistering, and Sickly: Victim eats food with raw meat. It is still technically raw, but it's not really sickening, just "burned." They are not nauseated or sick in the slightest. The food is still edible.
A MIX OF Nausea, Waking, and Twisting: Victim drinks food that is actually spicy. The food is still technically hot, but burns when it's actually in your mouth, like a fire. It feels like heat, but it isn't. It might be giving you a headache, but that is a funny thing to be giving you a headache, and "heat stroke" is apparently a thing people worry about, so what's the deal.
A MIX OF Violent, Dull, and Battered: Victim fights someone. They are in a stadium. They are not winning. There are maybe a million people in the stadium. None of them are happy. None of them want to be there. The only thing that has changed is that there is a person somewhere in the stadium who is happy, and now they are in a situation where they might end up hurting the person they are fighting.
A MIX OF Steaming, Focused, and Enraged: Victim listens to loud music, but it is actually just "soft rock" played at an ungodly volume. Even with earmuffs, it is deafening. The music has been coming from the radio, but now it's getting on everyones nerves. The volume is the most obvious sign of this.
A MIX OF Enormous, Angry, and Gloomy: Victim wakes up with a stomach ache. It's probably just hunger. All over their body, hot, stinging, itches- it's probably nothing. But they can feel their skin starting to blister, and they can feel the acid from the inside of their stomach boiling and sloshing around in the pit of their stomach.
A MIX OF Frozen and Filthy: Victim takes a shower. This has been happening ever since they got here, and now it's almost over, and now all the water in the shower is freezing and then it's frozen. They haven't had any food either, and they haven't had water, so this is either a)nasty frostbite or b)something nasty has happened to their apartment and they have frozen everything in the process of cleaning it up.
A MIX OF Transient, Saturated, and Throaty: Victim does not get enough sleep. They had a very short session with their therapist, and now they are awake and they are tired, and they are going to bed.
A MIX OF Vacant, Alone, and Pathetic: Victim's favorite actor died. They don't really know why they like the actor, but they like him a lot and they feel like shit.
A MIX OF Bloody, Eerie, and Scary: Victim thinks about their ex-best friend, who died ten years ago today.
A MIX OF Ulterior, Secret, and Unknown: Victim was in the car with their father when it was involved in a accident. There is damage to their car, and when they go to get their keys to get their car started, it is locked from the inside. This has happened before, and they don't know why.
A MIX OF Pale, Disturbed, and Scary: Victim is upset because the weatherman said there is going to be a tornado 5 miles away. There is no way that could be a good thing!
A MIX OF Cream, Creepy, and Scary: Victim finally got an agent in their small business. Five years later, all their employees have been laid off and the building is for sale.
A MIX OF Restless and Ghostly: Victim remembers something that happened years ago.
A MIX OF Dismayed, Shaky, and Thrilling: Victim woke up incredibly early.
A MIX OF Disturbed, Eerie, and Tense: Victim woke up really late.
A MIX OF Ghostly, Disturbed, and Scary: Victim is scared of something they just remembered.
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snapsicle · 5 years ago
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New holiday ideas part 3:
-Steal Things day -Mass BBQ Hallucination -The Purge but only for illegal fishing -The opposite of opposite day, where everything is just normal except if you mention that it’s the opposite of opposite day you get shot by a sniper -Naked 2 -Insane Breakcore Silent Disco Rave Hour (bestowed upon a randomly generated citizen every hour) -Just go fucking crazy day  -Turn evil day -Looney Tunes physics are Real day  -Slip in poop and fall off a cliff day -make a random 5 year old president of the entire world for a week and do literally anything they say no matter how destructive, useless or heinous  -Tour de Butthole- the naked bike race  -a marching band but everyone is running really fast and shittily  -Fucking Day -Doppelganger mixer party  -the 2nd coming of jesus christ, but birthday party themed  -Worldwide Box top collection week (The country that collects the most box tops gets a pizza and doughnut party)  -1 Person has to die, and everyone in the world gets to vote on who -Beat you up  -Worldwide freeze tag -Farting 
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thechosenburrito · 3 years ago
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Intro to Love: 1.5-The Good, The Bad, and The Unmasked
Word Count: 1,923
Description:
Xochi and Carson head to the library to study and Xochi sees more than one familiar face there.
Author’s Note:
Here’s the end of Chapter 1!  I will warn you that I switch to a 3rd person perspective in the next chapter.  I’m not entirely sold on it and I’m tempted to go back to 1st person perspective.
Previous Chapter: 1.4-Thanks for Ghosting Me
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My heart was still pounding.
"I don't know... good instincts I guess," I said, trying to catch my breath.
I tried to help pull Carson up, but my hands were still shaking.  It took a lot of strength to not let my hand pass through his. I had to clench my jaw to keep my teeth from chattering.  I did my best to smile.
"H-hey, if you wanna call off today it's cool considering we both almost died," I chuckled nervously.
Carson dusted of his backpack before slinging it over his shoulder and taking a good look at his arms.
"Honestly, this isn't the first time I've almost been hit by a car," he said, making sure he wasn't seriously hurt.
"Besides, I'm not bleeding, so no harm, no foul."
He patted me on the back.
"Thanks for not letting me, you know, bleh!" Carson said, sticking his tongue out.
I smiled.
"No problem."
I started walking ahead of him.
"Let's avoid streets from now on!" I called out.
He jogged up to me and we made our way to the library.  Carson would occasionally say hi to seemingly random people.  I felt a pang of...sadness? Maybe jealousy?  I knew a total of 5 people on campus.  Actually, 6 now including Sarah.   How did he know so many people?  Did he actually talk to them?
"Hey, uh, I just wanted to say..."
I snapped back to reality and turned to see Carson gazing off into the distance.
"...well first, thanks for saving me back there."
I smiled.
"No problem.  You would've done the same. At least I hope so!" I said.
He chuckled a bit.
"The other thing is...are you..."
My breath caught in my throat.
He paused for a moment.
"...hungry?" he asked, carefully.
I raised an eyebrow.
"I mean, not right now. But I probably will be after we work if you wanna grab lunch." I said, letting the words just stumble out before I could stop them.
I just met this guy and I'm asking him to get lunch with me.  Well, not really 'just met'.  He clearly believes he knows me at least a little.  Thankfully, the awkwardness of talking to him was starting to wear off.  I definitely didn't wanna give him the idea that I wanted to see more of him.
"Yeah, that sounds good!" he replied as we arrived at the library. "Let's work fast then!"
We walked into the library and headed to the elevator.  The first floor was usually packed full of students during the week.  Some were studying, most we pretending to study, and the rest were probably crying.  The first floor had a small coffee bar, some printers, and was full of computers.  Most people came here just to print or just rest between classes.
We stepped into the elevator and went up to the 4th floor.  The fourth floor was for studying only.  It had several rooms for group studying and even private rooms for when you really need to focus.  We managed to snag a private room and got to work.
I pulled up the document, only to realize Carson had changed the name of the document to "ass fart".  I couldn't hold back the snicker that came out.  He gave me a confused look.
"What's so funny?"
He must've opened the document at that exact time because he started laughing.
"Oh! That! Sorry, I meant to change it back last night!" he laughed nervously.
"Oof, this is embarrassing," he said as he covered his face, still chuckling a little.
I gave a sly smile.
"It's cool.  I name my documents weird shit too so I remember them.  I'll change it back," I said, not changing it back.
I proceeded to change the name of the document to "shit fart" and did my best to put on a poker face.  I got back to working on the project, trying nonsense into the document to look busy.
Carson eventually pulled himself together, only to see what I named the document, and burst into laughter again.  
"Why did you do that?" he asked, trying to catch his breath.
A smile tugged at my lips as I tried to keep a straight face.
"I didn't do anything.  Must've been you." I replied with my best attempt at a serious adult voice.
We went back and forth. "Poop butt", "Commit apoptosis", and "Daddy" were among the several names of our document that were chosen with the same maturity as a high school freshman.  We reached the point where we couldn't breathe and sound didn't come out when we laughed.  
After a couple of hours, we made enough progress to constitute a break.
"Ok, I'm officially too hungry to work," Carson whined as he doubled over, letting his head rest on his laptop.  
I fought the all-consuming impulse to slam the laptop closed on his head.
"Yeah, being productive takes too much energy," I said, leaning my chair back and resting my head against the wall.
He grabbed his laptop and threw it into his bag, slinging it over his shoulder.
"Screw it.  We've made enough progress.  Plus,  I can't concentrate when I'm hungry.  Let's grab some sandwiches from the cafe downstairs," he said as he stood up from the table.
I firmly believed that a small over-priced sandwich didn't count as lunch but I couldn't bring myself to say no to him.  I packed up my things and stood up too.
"Works for me.  Let's go." I said, holding the door open.
When we got to the cafe downstairs,  I paid extra attention to his order.  The goal was to glean secret information from his inner psyche.  Unfortunately, you can't really get from a medium hot coffee and croissant sandwich.  Does this mean he's basic? Probably not.  I pondered what he could infer from me based on my order of a large iced coffee and turkey sandwich.
Carson pulled out his phone.
"Damn.  Sorry to do this but I gotta go," he said, frantically typing away."My roommate spilled something on himself in lab and now he needs a change of pants AND..uh...yeah he needs clothes.  He's stuck in the bathroom.  I'll text you later!"
He jogged out of the library as he shoved the sandwich in his mouth.
"Later!" I called out.
I sat down at a table and started eating my sandwich.  The chair across from me felt particularly empty compared to the tables around me filled with people. I glanced around at the other people in the cramped cafe and a guy with a red bandana in his hair caught my eye.  He was talking to some people at a table across the room.  His clipboard practically screamed 'sign my petition.'.  I tried to listen to what he was saying, but could only catch a couple of words.
"...equality...justice... signature..."
I kept straining to listen but jumped when his head jerked to make eye contact with me.  I furrowed my brows and looked away.  I prayed that I wasn't blushing from embarrassment.
It wasn't long before I heard his footsteps approach my table and felt a tap on my shoulder.
"Excuse me!"
I kept staring at my phone.  I shot him a quick glance before looking back down at it.
"Would you like to sign your name on a petition for Justice and Equality for Striker Students?" he asked cheerily.  
I glanced back at him again and felt my grip on my phone tighten.  The way he was looking at me made my hair stand on end.  I was looking him in the eye, but he was looking right past mine at something deeper and further down.  He had dark brown eyes, but for the life of me, I couldn't tell iris from pupil.  
I desperately fished around my brain for words.
"Are you...what...some kind of grad student?  Is this...like... for research or something?" I managed, quickly looking back at my phone.
I swear I heard him smile.
"Nope! Just an activist!" a clipboard was suddenly thrust into my field of view.  "If you could just print and sign your name, it'll only take a second!"
I look at the names on the list and noticed that a couple of them had a box checked next to them.  Alonzo Alvarez and Elizabeth Jones both had checks by their name.
"Xochi!" called a familiar voice.
I looked up to see Sarah waving at me from outside the cafe.
"Hurry up! " she said.  "Our project is due at midnight!"
I quickly got up and grabbed my food.  Miracles really did exist but at a cost.  I had no idea we had a project.  Let alone that it would be due tonight.  
I muttered something close to 'sorry' at the bandana guy and hurried over to her.  She pulled me by the wrist towards the elevator and mashed the 'close door' button before anyone else could get it.  She breathed a sigh of relief when the elevator started going up.
"Thanks for saving me back there!  So...what's the deal with this project?" I asked.
She looked at me and raised an eyebrow.
"There is no project," she said, pulling out her phone.  "I just said that to get you out of there."
I sighed.
"Oh ok good.  Geez, don't scare me like that!"
I glanced at the elevator buttons and noticed that we were heading back up to the study floor.
"So... if there's no project, where are we going?" I wondered out loud.
The elevator dinged and the doors opened.
"Somewhere we can talk, alone," she said under her breath.
She marched me to a private study room and closed the door.  She set her backpack down and sat at the table.  I followed suit.
"Look," she said, furrowing her brows.  "...this is is going to be a lot to take in so I'm just going to put up my hand and when I'm done talking I'll put it down then you can ask questions, ok? Trust me it'll go a lot quicker that way."
She ran her fingers through her braids and started fiddling with a clip at the end of one.   She still hadn't made eye contact with me.
I felt my stomach pound in my chest.  My stomach was tied up in knots and I felt cold sweat-
"I know you're scared, so I'll cut to the chase," she said, folding her hands on the table.
I nodded.
She let out a sigh before taking a deep breath.
"That man was a Striker with the ability to tell if someone else is a Striker just by looking at them.  He recognized you from earlier when he tried to hit you and came here looking for you.  I don't know why, but based on what I got from him, he may be trying to kidnap you for...something... I'm not sure.  He saw me by then."
She clenched her fists.
"Listen to me.  I know I sound ridiculous, but that man knows you're a Striker now.  If not from this morning then definitely from the cafe.  That guy you were with... Carson?...could be in danger just by knowing you!  And now...I probably am too."
She quickly looked away.
My mind was racing.  I felt numb.  I had to force the words out of my mouth.
"How...do you..."
"Trust me."  She shot up from her seat and put her hands on the table. "
I know because..."
She took another deep breath
"I'm a Stiker too.  Call me Blind Side."
End of Chapter 1
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Next Chapter: 2.1-The Last of the Simple Days
a/n:
Woohoo!  First chapter is finished!  I just need to upload 2.1 and 2.2 and I’m done!  Let me know if you guys want me to do writing games or ask games and stuff.
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