#do i feel like addressing it?? i dont talk to them. i cant imagine its worth my time.

[moldwood]

it being 75F in march and receiving the stupidest news about an old somebodys thoughts has me lighting a cigarette on the back porch and lookin out at the woods. its just factually incorrect is all

[pumpkinsy0]

Any purly living together HCs?

im rubbing my hands together like a fly for this one WOO

•i think pony wouldve asked curly if he wanted to move w him bc he wants more opportunities for himself, but curly was unsure for a while if he rlly wanted to make that big of a change in his life

•yes yes the curtis gang would feel bittersweet about pony leaving but imagine the shepards</33, i feel like tim and angela would be surprised that curlys moving out bc hes always wanted to stay there, but at the same time hes growing up

•i think before this curly and tim wouldve talked about it a lot, like if curly rlly wanted to move or not, its a bug thing for em, tim wants to stay and to have curly leave would rlly change him i thing, not for the better or worst, just change him

•angela would be upset but hey, what can she do about it, she punches curlys arm and tells him he better not kill himself out there and to keep in contact

•i WAS gonna say “mwahaahhahaha make them move to nyc so i can have them close to me and insert my own experiences but also so pony could have more opportunities” but,,,ill b nice and say they moved far but not THATTTT far, idk where they r tho

•BUT if we wanna go down them just living together, lets just say theyre in the same state as everyone still, just in a different neighborhood n what not

•NOW its more upbeat, curly thinks the area is boring but pony likes it so its whateverrrr

•neither of them can cook woukd be me being an ass, pony can cook, he just doesnt like to, curly however rlly cant, so most of the time theyre eating bagged or take out food, either that or someone just brings them cooked food they can eat as left overs

•im sorry, no pathetic wife curly for this one, curly gets a part time job here, he wants to help pay the rent, and ponys glad bc this economy is ASS

•they would fluctuate chores, but nahhhh, they usually both stick to the same ones

•theyve fallen asleep on the couch numerous times instead of just going to bed, they both have shit sleeping schedules neither will actually address

•pony will call home nearly everyday just to update on what's going on, and curly calls home not as much, but still pretty frequent

•bc ponys so used to not having the door locked bc thats just how he grew up, curlys always scolding him, bc r u TRYING to let a serial killer in???😭😭

•they dont rlly let anyone inside their house, they just,,,dont,,,like unless ur family, chances r ur not getting invited to their house

•they realized they could take any stray that they wanted home w them and just havent stopped bringing them in since

•theres always SOMETHING in their house left on, a light, the tv, SOMETHING

•i personally want them to live in an apartment bc it would b funny if curly was like “its so our water bill is t high” and pony KNOWS they dont pay for the water, but just goes along w it (also yes they shower together more)

•theyre like, almost never fully clothed, especially curly, his shirt is just always off, theyre just comfortable that way, IM NOT SAYING THEY HAVE THEIR BARE ASS OUT BTW🙎🏽‍♀️🙎🏽‍♀️

[imeverywoman420]

Its just. Insanely hurtful when youve been friends with somebody for a while and you see patterns of behavior. Like them being. Extremely dismissive and. (Sorrry i dont feel like trying to make my situation general just imagine something else bad). And then beint like “lets not fightttt i dont wanna talk about it lets move on even tho im the one in the wrong its dramaaa” and when its like. Playing dumb. Like. I thought we were friends?? Why cant we talk? If i hurt your feelings i would hope you respect me enough to treat me with the respect i would give u- and address that issue.

And they just dont care. “I dont wanna fight i love you bae You dont have to apologize” and you keep asking what you did. And they tell you its evil to ask someone what you did wrong in the first place. Not in a rhetorical mean snarky way. Like. “What did i do that upset you so i can understand. As your friend”. And the whole issue is they were being rude and talking to you crazy. And you were being civil, open, talking from the heart, all that fun stufff

How are you going to tell me “love you ❤️ I would die for u love u” over and over while Dismissing me and showing me you dont care about my feelings.

[1863-project]

so for your poll abt abelism in fandom communities - i voted yes + reblogged but i will say i dont 1000% know im doing this right.

but for my experiences its been a lot of stigmatising of cluster b personality disorders. i have BPD which is already incredibly misunderstood/stigmatised but especially in fandom spaces where its "i headcanon x character w bpd" and immediately met with "no u cant bc ppl w bpd r evil and functionally not even ppl!!! all they do is hurt ppl they care about fuck them fuck ppl w bpd!!!" which

is incredibly harmful, as you'd imagine.

as well, i have autism and suspected schizophrenia and OCD (autism diagnosed, i am working on getting evaluated for schizophrenia and/or OCD) and fandom spaces can be incredibly rude to people with autism. whether it is schizophrenia related or not, i deal with extreme bouts of paranoia. fandom spaces also have a tendency to play into this - ie "joking" threats to be in my walls to hunt me down to kill me because i have a different fandom opinion.

its. alot. and i avoid most fandom spaces because of it.

Anon, I'm so sorry this has been your experience, because it absolutely should not be. This is the entire point of doing the poll and using the data to work on an essay - this behavior needs to be addressed and acknowledged as harmful.

I'm autistic with OCD myself, and this website is definitely bad to people with OCD. The misunderstanding of intrusive thoughts and how so many people become purity police and assume those intrusive thoughts actually mean you want to do something instead of understanding that they cause OCD folks extreme distress and anxiety is really, really harmful. And don't get me started on autism - I've been out in the real world doing self-advocacy for over a decade now, and the way a lot of people in fandom spaces treat autism is abysmal - there's even a lot of internalized ableism on that front, i.e. "I can't be ableist because I'm also disabled!" We all have internalized ableism to work through because of the world we live in.

Cluster B personality disorders and psychotic disorders get it the worst, though, with people treating those with them as "inhuman" and "evil" more often than not. No one is inherently more "evil" than anyone else. A personality disorder doesn't necessarily indicate that a person is bad. A psychotic disorder doesn't, either. BPD in particular actually makes a person very vulnerable to being abused due to the nature of how it works, but people love ignoring that part.

RE: people using your paranoia to send hateful anons, be really careful about what you share about yourself online. If you give too much information about what specifically can be used to hurt you, some people will absolutely do it. I know I may sound like an overly cautious adult to many of you (I'm 34), but when I was a teenager, we didn't put any personal information online in order to keep ourselves safe. If you aren't talking to people you really trust, don't necessarily share that information, because people are often cruel when they feel they can be so without any repercussions. Don't put all your triggers in your Carrd, don't make massive DNIs with all of the things that can hurt you in them - just use the block button and protect yourselves. Not everyone is acting in bad faith, and indeed, most humans aren't, but there are always some who will, and if they know how to hurt you or get back at you, they won't hesitate to hit where it hurts.

I'm sorry you have to remove yourself from fandom spaces just to feel safe, anon. It really isn't fair and you should be allowed to have a safe experience too.

[gorbo-longstocking]

does mc ever joke with his sister about not knowing how to solve a problem like maria? that's prime sibling energy to do that as a way to diffuse arguments or deliberately be annoying

literally JUMPING at the chance to talk about these two rn. but yeah, they definitely do joke about that with maria. the two of them dont really argue. they have their disagreements, but the mcs blunt nature has rubbed off on maria so when shes upset she will straight up say why shes mad and the mc will explain why they wont let her do what she wants to do. and they will let her be mad at them and stew for a bit, so long as she listens in times of serious danger. they both understand that there is a time and a place for an argument. maria is very mature for her age, and this maturity is a big part of why shes still alive. their arguments dont last very long.

i can imagine her trying to come up with silent hand signals for them to communicate when talking isnt an option, and while maria picks up on them fast, the mc is a lot slower. usually with maria, theyre pretty even tempered and find her exuberance to be endearing, so theyll crack a tiny smile and say something like “youre gonna have to go slower im not a genius like you” and she’ll get all offended for their sake because she thinks theyre the smartest person in the world (and also has no point of comparison for her own intelligence. she thinks its normal for an eleven year old to solve college level equations with little to no schooling) and say “of course you are!!!!” and launch into another explanation.

the mc does like to tease maria and the best way to get her riled up is to put themself down. so theyll smirk a little and say “slow down for your dumb big bro” and maria will start squawking about how theyre not dumb and how theyre super smart and the coolest person ever. and the mc will just watch her with a fond little smile. it definitely makes them feel better about themself. maria sees the mc as a superhero

their relationship definitely treads the line between siblings and parent and child. maria sees the mc as her super cool big brother, and they see her as a mix of their sister and their daughter. they havent really addressed the latter part of that, but its hard to quell the parental instincts when they literally raised her from birth.

fun fact about them: the mc has completely normalized stimming for maria and will spin her around whenever she asks. its her favorite stim so whenever she gets excited she will repeat “spin me! spin me!” and theyll pick her up and twirl in circles until they cant anymore. it usually ends with then both laying on the ground, maria giggling hysterically and the mc watching, content for once in their life.

[askinkiskarma]

ok so i met this guy and he lives in another state than me which is YUCK. but we've been talking and he seem pretty cool (i rlly like him)

HOWEVER, ive had shitty experiences with men and i have severe father issues. so im kinda terrified to get into a relationship.

but i want to talk to him because he has some mental health bleh and i refuse to date anyone who isnt in the right mind because i cannot end up like my mother taking care of my suicidal father for half her marriage. so im rlly scared

and its kinda the first guy ive seriously talked to since i had this breakup with this guy who used me to emotionally cheat on his gf of an entire year.

all in all i believe i have spammed ur askbox enough but im just lowkey scared to commit to smthn but i dont want my trauma to hold me back from experiencing love

I LOVE U

ok kay bb i'm home and i can properly focus on this, i wanted to give you my undivided attention 💕

so, this seems very complicated and i am sorry about that :(

on one hand, it kinda sucks that he lives in another state, but if you are ok with that, especially in the beginning, then you shouldn't let it deter you, especially if you click with him and he seems like a cool guy.

now, i am so so sorry to hear about your bad experiences with your father and with men in general, i cant even begin to imagine how it must feel like for you and i am not at all surprised you are having a hard time with this. men suck lol, i've come to terms with it, and that's why when you find a good one, it's a conflicting situation bc you want to trust him and you want to let go but it's so so hard :(

i think you shouldn't let the fact that he has some stuff that he's dealing with deter you, as long as he's not using you as a crutch, and as long as he shows you he's taking the right steps into addressing them and healing. i think we all deserve a chance and we all come with baggage and you'll be surprised how much just being there for someone or even around someone who's a good influence on you can do for your healing journey.

pls do keep me updated and i really hope the situation becomes more clearer for you and you get more clarity over if he's worth taking the leap of faith

i love you and don't ever feel like you're spamming me cause i LOVE hearing from you <3 good luck and smooches x

[4uru]

(Tw: Vent post)

I went thru some of my worst depressive, suicidal, self hating episodes during quarentine. Teenage angst fuelled to the max by gender dysphoria, internalized homophobia and transphobia. In 2020 baby me wrote several letters addressed to future me, telling me to kill myself . I will be 16 soon, those letters were addressed to me. I know if anyone reading this who is an adult feels like this is just a kid complaning. And ur not wrong.

This is probably not even thing i will ever face in my life. And that thought scares me.

I was a different, very miserable, angry and tiny person in quarentine, i was brimming with hate and sadness, i had no friends. I was a kid who was stuck in a house 24/7 with my (suddenly) religious mother who i stupidly came out to, my parents werent even a little bit supportive back then, they thought i was fetishizing being LGBTQ my dad thought i wanted to be trans and gay to be different. (Lets not even open that can of worms)

What im trying to say is, it took alot of work to get where i am this year. I tried hard "loving myself", i worked hard to look at myself and not see a complete fucking monster. I tried very hard to believe in a future.

But all my work is down the drain bc of this fucking system. I dont want a future anymore. I am fucking done hearing critism from the generation who had adequate study plans. Who didnt have the life drained out of them everyday. My parents talk so brazenly about my generation about our studies like its the same. 30 years ago the Curriculum was in their favor, now its evil and twisted and i dont want to go through wjth it.

I legit fantasize suicide just to avoid dealing with it. Everytime i go to school or coaching all i hear are different voices telling me how much hard work i have to do to pass SSC, then get into a good college, then HSC, then University etc etc etc.

I tried to look forward to a future, i forced myself to imagine a life for myself, i swear i tried. I just dont want to anymore, i told myself i want to be an animator, or just work in an artistic field,

I dont want a future anymore, i cant keep going on, its fucking exhausting, i dont want anything from my life. I have nothing to look forward to, everytime i try its always an exam to prove to people that im worthy of existing. Every fucking time.

It never ends, it wont ever end, i will just be wrung out and burnt out of everything i ever cared about. I cant go on a day without being berated and if i do, i cant go on with out feeling guilty for using my free time to be at peace. They hardwired my brain to hate myself then they yell at me for it

I dont know if ppl know how easy its for me to be desensitized to death, i have no qualms about it, i didnt literally since the day i turned 8. I have read ppl saying ppl sho commit suicide are cowards, and i remember feeling worse about it. Bc somewhere deep down i do feel like a fucking coward and a quitter.

But i genuinly dont care anymore, i cant keep doing this, i dont think i am strong enough. My friends talk about how i have a clear cut future with my art and stuff. But holy shit no i dont, i dont think i will live to see 18. I dont want to live to see 18. I dont want to keep doing this.

Sometimes i wish i was religious so i would have someone to pray to, to believe in, but i dont. I never did, i could never believe in someone. I wish i did rn bc maybe that can be my salvation. But its not.

I just cant anymore with this shit, yaar. I feel like i am going to shatter like glass if i even move.

I dont think ppl know how much their tiny jabs build up on my skin to become a large gaping wound that i just cant stitch back up.

I sometimes think that, if i do it, if i do kill myself, they are just going to blame it on social media and other teenage angst bullshit.

I dont want to live like this, i dont want to prove my existence. Kill me, i will accept it, just let me go.

It hurts so much to go on with life knowing my inevitable failure. And even if i dont fail, if i somehow by some miracle get to college, the cycle will start again, in every step of life theres some new competition i have to win to have the right to exist in society.

I dont know whats the point anymore its all the same shit in repeat. "OH but life has so much to offer" no thank you, i will take the receit and see myself out. If you say its about ppl? Family? Friends? Desi parents of queer children are hardly the point of life, and friends? What friends? The person who came to school and told me that she dreamt of dieing and was disappointed when she woke up?.

The people who to my face said they tolarate my existence?

"It doesn't matter what you think" it matters when i spend 5 days a week 6 hours a day with these sons of bitches.

I just fucking cant anymore, bro.

And i dont think i deserve to die, i dont hate myself that much anymore. But its so exhausting. Before i used to look for painless deaths, just quite and painless. Now i dont even care about that, make it quick, get me out of here, i dont care how much blood and gore i will turn into just let me leave.

[kitmoas]

hey kit i just wanna send an appreciation message. tgu had brought me a lot of joy this past year. its generally the AU i daydream about like. 24/7. im always checking for new posts from you, you're my fav account on here. i just really like the way you utilize established character points to explore what that means in a dynamic like this one. i dont see many stories go into depth with its characters the way you do. it adds a layer of depth that makes it all the more compelling. i just really appreciate the time and effort you put into exploring all of this and sharing it with us. ive been especially invested in kates past storyline and wandas destiny storylines. i cant wait to see how you play it all out given the set up you've established with wanda, and what im guessing is a yet to be concluded arc with kate given what just happened to her. i also feel like, a relation to toy when you go into their feelings about having to be the glue that keeps them together. ive def been there (albeit in terms of friendship but yk) and its nice seeing that actually addressed in fic in a real way. filling that role leads to a lot of stress and pressure and i love how you represent that in toys frustration. and their ability to stand up for themselves !!! super proud of them. natashas characterization is also spectacular. id imagine most people would write a storyline similar to kates and have natasha be the ultimate comfort, which is valid! but i really think the way you wrote her response tracks with what we know of her. something like that.. is too much. but whereas wanda has a maternal instinct and is able to swallow that and be there for kate, natasha clams up about her lack of ability to do anything. and then just.. doesnt wanna talk about it lol. fits so well. ok ive rambled a bit now sorry but yea i just. tgu is like. the best thing to happen to me in a while even if that sounds corny asf. i just really appreciate you as a creator and person

Lol okay I took a little break from tumblr after the first half of my fic was flagged…But…I woke up to a couple of these really big asks and I cried

I dont even know what to say because I truly didnt think any one took tgu as serious as I did. I get the smut is fun and the smut between 3 of the hottest people to exist is perfect but..idk to hear that people look at the storylines that like I’ve been planning for a year like this literally leaves me speechless

I just want to say thank you. Thank you for sticking around with me for a year and I hope that you stick around for Season 2 as well. I have already started planning it, and I’m really excited. I truly think TGU all day even if I act like I sometimes want to work on other stuff more. It’s like my brain is stuck in the universe.

I appreciate you, so much sweet sweet non <3

Read both Now, Then, and Forever/ /Evermore : The two parts of the Season 1 TGU Finale Here!

[scrmngtts]

hi im here again to write my thoughts and process them.. cuz i cant talk to anyone right now about how im feeling..

ok tbh i feel very frustrated with the situation im in bc i let it happen and i ignored it. i never addressed it to begin with which i should have.. i should have said something 2 months ago..i didnt say anything because tbh i dont want to change anything and i dont want him to leave me.. he has that power over me and i hate it. i dont want that i really dont but i cant say it i cant voice it im currently choking with my feelings rn it really hurts in my throat i really hope i find the courage to tell him how i really feel..

why is it me.. why is it always mee why do i have to suffer why am i giving so much to him.. why do i love like this.. im loving him as if hes the only person in the world and im ignoring my boundaries. this is not what i agreed on. oi told myself ill only think about myself this year ill put myself first but why do i keep putting his needs first. why am i tolerating his behavior.. why am i willing to turn a blind eye just to spend time with him.. why..

is every month gonna be like this? will i feel like this everytime theyre together.. and act as if nothing happened as if im okay with everything even tho im not.. when will i explode. ive been bottling up these feelings and pushing them aside and ive been just acting cool but everytime it happens everytime it occurs its like another heartbreak again.. and i hate it.

i was doing so well mid month.. i was doing so well!! SO WELL! i let it all crumble and let my heart flutter.

i have to remember he doesnt care.. and that all this is superficial and all pretend dont get used to ti. dont imagine much ur life with him bc its all an illusion if u can keep it in ur mind all the time maybe u can protect urself a lil from the heartbreak.

am i self distructing..

[keefwho]

April 01 - 2023

8:36 PM

I’m really confused about my “sex” life. I don’t know who wants what, I don’t know who wants me. I don’t know what I want from others. I don’t know if it even matters. I’m I really a sexual person or am I forcing myself to be? Or living based on how I used to be in the past? It must be important to me if I’m stressing so much about it. 

I’m too used to being surrounded by absolute horndogs that entertain every single urge I have. And they would eat up the art I made like crazy. But now I’m around tamer individuals and maybe I haven’t adjusted yet. I’m starting to feel like I’m too much of a perv but I want to believe my urges are what they are and it’s fine if I deal with them in a non-problematic way. I dont’ know what to do. Maybe I should talk about it? Or maybe it’s actually just a me problem. I’m starting to feel uncertain drawing porn for friends or even myself sometimes. Maybe I should stop until I figure this out. Or only stick to ideas that I don’t feel so iffy about. Im just so confused. 

Its so fucking STUPID that this is even an issue. I do not feel valid feeling this way about sex. I’m angry at myself that I might be a source of stress for anyone else when it comes to this. I REALLY don’t want to suppress myself but if I’m going to end up pushing people away with my fucking boner then I’ll keep it to myself. Maybe I am just a creepy little perv. FUCK

9:03 PM

I just miss when things were simpler. Kind of. I know things I had in the past weren’t good. They were limiting to my character and even kind of toxic. I was a much more unstable and underdeveloped person in the past. But in my denial, some things at least felt more simple. Good even. Now I’m having to work to claw myself back up to a place where things are truly stable and healthy. In the meantime, every day is it’s own struggle. I face new problem after new problem and frequent loneliness. Sometimes I lament at how much better I seemed in the past and all the relationships I’ve left behind. I feel guilt. I feel selfish. It’s hard to believe things can and will improve. I feel like I hit my peak and I’ve been falling off for years. 

9:40 PM

I just had a little fit before. Nothing is really as bad as it seems or I make out to be. Earlier I was just mad at everything. But there are some simple truths to keep in mind. I have some problems with my sex life. There are things I know I want to do but bring me uncertainty/make me uncomfortable with how they currently are. They have to be addressed somehow. It would not be a good thing to shut it all out. 

10:16 PM

Im sad I spent all evening sulking. I wish I had opened a drink and got in VR like I wanted. Too late for that though. 

Its ME. IM THE PROBLEM. I ALWAYS FORGET. I CANNOT ACCEPT/LOVE MYSELF SO I CANT FEEL THAT FROM ANYONE ELSE. I need to get that into my own dense skull. I can fix me and things will be better. 

When I’m lonely, all I have left is my art and imagination. Its been awhile since I’ve used art as a coping mechanism. Mostly because I struggle to focus enough to immerse myself. I’d like to be able to do that again. It would also help to make content that involves show based character instead of just my own OC all the time. Would be good for business.

[gar-trek]

omg tell us more about ur ideas about the o’brien’s relationships on tng vs ds9 i’m very interested

tbh i really need to go back and watch tng because obviously i wasnt paying as much attention to obrien back then and i straight up forgor. but yesterday i did rewatch obrien scenes from both "data's day" and "in theory" and I feel like O'Brien is a lot different but not in like a continuity error way just in ways that could be factors of his environment. He was just a lot quieter (something that is probably DIRECTLY because he isn't a main character in TNG, therefore there is much less reason for him to be on screen talking, but we can have fun and pretend that was an intentional character decision) he also kept calling Data sir like one million times, which I feel like is a sign he was not comfortable or friendly with him. Which i mean if O'Brien was uncomfortable with the rest of the senior staff or felt the need to be overly formal to them it would make sense. Although at that point he had been in Starfleet for a long time, he was still an enlisted officer surrounded by what was considered the best of the best in all of starfleet. The enterprise definitely has this kind of elitist very professional vibe to it. everyone is so eager to be this self-sacrificing hero. I think this vibe comes across a lot in the episode Lower Decks, how all the ensigns are trying their best to get noticed and to move up in ranks. I can see why a guy like O'Brien would feel uncomfortable in this environment and have a hard time relating to his peers. O'Brien wants to start a family and spend his time fixing things. If he ever was a man whos actions were influenced by glory-seeking and heroism, i feel like that was stomped out during his time in the war. It is not something that is ever addressed in canon (though it might be kinda interesting) but you cant tell me there isnt some kind of biased against enlisted officers, even if its just a status thing.

I'm sure O'Brien had friends on the enterprise and obviously, thats where he met his wife, I just cant imagine him being close with any of these people. He seemed to have a good relationship with Geordi, but those two were both pretty similar and really Geordi could (and has) make friends with anyone. Anyway, O'Brien seems like he would be much more comfortable in the environment that's created on DS9, where rank doesn't seem to mean much and everyones a lot more casual with each other. Before the dominion and all that, DS9 really was a quiet little out-of-the-way place that, of course, was not the perfect environment to start a family, but at least wasn't facing the threat of being blown up each week like the enterprise (this changed very very fast, but O'Brien had no idea that was gonna happen when he first signed up for the job) Probably part of the reason O'Brien didnt like Julian at first was because he would have fit right in on the enterprise with his top of the class wanting to be the hero attitude. He even kept calling him sir at first, just like he did with all the officers on the enterprise (but... i dont need to explain how their relationship develops you already know) also there is just a lot less starfleet personnel on the station then there was on the enterprise and i would imagine there is a lot of turnover, so there would be a lot less options for friends, which would kinda force you to get closer to the people you do have.

[alcorian-cycle]

can people with dyscalculia help? im 18, autistic, and trying to figure out if i have it. it would be really nice if some people who know they have it could read this and give their opinion on whether i should try to get evaluated.

i’ve always hated math and struggled with it, and yet i was in advanced classes in middle school..... which i HATED. then, in high school, i got mistakenly put in the intermediate class for kids who struggle with math, and saw...... little to no change in how challenging it was. i did get bored with how slowly we were introduced to concepts, but my ability to complete the homework in a timely manner never improved. and i tend to do math slower than my peers--i even requested a time extension on my ACT because i finished all the other sections with great scores every time, but could only get like halfway through the math section at best. the one time i remember finishing a test first in class, i was proud but surprised. but looking back i think that test had a lot of questions about the concepts we were being taught rather than arithmetic, which also surprised me because in my experience math tests are mostly solving problems, not answering questions about math concepts. there have also been times that i’ve finished my classwork before anyone else, but also looking back this usually happened because i was working while the teacher was talking instead of taking notes. (my thoughts are very very fast and unfortunately my teacher does not talk as fast as my thoughts, so in pretty much all my classes, i just end up working ahead while listening to the lecture so i can pay attention and not get distracted)

i understand the abstract concepts behind math just fine, and even like them, but i kind of struggle with it at the same time. i do things like addition slowly and multiple times to make sure i got it right, sometimes counting on my fingers. i cannot memorize my times tables, ive completely given up on that. i still count on my fingers at 18, which i didnt realize wasnt normal because im completely unobservant. i hate mental math and calculators are my saving grace. i dont trust myself to do mental math correctly. i struggle to hold numbers in my head, especially long strings like phone numbers or addresses, which is part of what makes mental math so hard for me (and thats why i use my fingers or write it down). i forget things like phone numbers instantly. im not very good at reading analog clocks, but that might be because we’re moving more towards digital clocks everywhere. i also heard that dyscalculia can be associated with difficulty telling right from left, and thats a really embarrassing thing ive always struggled with--i need to hold up my hands to remember (left hand makes an L) and if i cant do that i have to imagine writing something and hope im imagining the correct hand doing the writing, lol.

but despite all this-- i feel like maybe i dont have it. maybe im just looking for an excuse to explain why i suck so much at math. theres also the possibility that im just overly anxious about getting a wrong answer and thats why i do everything so slowly and count on my fingers and stuff--so i can be sure im not getting it wrong. i do understand how numbers correlate to amounts, and its not like im totally incapable of mental math. i can do it, i just struggle with it, especially if i have to hold a number in my head for any reason. like, while writing this post i went and did basic multiplication problems in my head (from a website) and got hung up on 7 x 6. and then i got it wrong. this is the part where i’d normally make excuses like “oh im tired, oh its the end of summer so i havent practiced,” but honestly, im pretty sure most people my age should be able to do simple multiplication like that no matter the time of year. so. i dunno. also, i was able to get the other problems correct, but im pretty sure i was taking longer to do them than an 18 year old should. and i was counting on my fingers again.

and like. i think i like math in theory. algebra looks logical and satisfying, and it IS, except when i have to actually divide, add, and subtract, then i can practically feel my brain beginning to overheat like an overworked computer.

moving things from one side to the other to isolate a variable? yes. good shit.

havint to do subtraction to get there? now its not so fun. i think this is the part that actually gives me a headache. i never really thought about which part of algebra was frustrating me, but now that i know dyscalculia is a thing, im starting to think about the arithmetic vs the abstract concept behind it.

anyways, if i have dyscalculia its probably more mild seeing as i can still do mental math and i can still do arithmetic, its just unreasonably hard for me for no discernable reason.

[childish-ish]

Yoo! *hands you subway sandwich* I absolutely loved the soulmate AU with Micheal making choices for each other. And I was wondering (if you can/want) what would it be like for Billy Lenz.

hii *fucking devours subway sandwich* thank u so much i love u <3 i would love to write for him! sorry if hes ooc :<

sorry it took so long too, i thought it said lOOMIS AND I LOOK BACK AND IT SAYS LENZ LMFAAAOOOOOOOO then i procrastinated xd its super awkward and weird, im sorry!! i tried- i was on major fucking writers block!!

bro u made me eat a bug dont talk to me

soulmate au.. makin choices fo eachother..

billy lenz x reader

also, just imagine like. a party right before christmas and they dont call the police to help them rather do it themselves, but then 1 girl calls and they're on their way at the end.. ya dig? ALSO I KNOW ITS HIS HOME BUT I DIDNT HAVE AN IDEA SO xd

"Hello?" You answer the phone politely, looking over your notes before closing the book as you wait in silence for a reply on the other line. "Hellooo?" You drag out the 'o' in hello.

"Y/n? Hey, hows'it going. Listen i have this party goin' on and I know you don't have jack-shit to do, so, why don't you come on over?"

Barb! Ah, that bitch.. should i? You thought over the pros and cons as Barb waited impatiently on the other line.

soulmate chooses: go to party.

"Yeah, I'm coming. Streets?" You ask, opening your notebook back up, flipping to a blank page as Barb told you the address. You hang up on the girl and rip the piece of paper off, holding it between your teeth as you lift yourself from your cushioned chair, grabbing your coat that hung on the back and quickly stuffed the address in the pocket of your coat.

eat bug or do not eat bug.

You furrow your eyebrows at the choices. Before choosing 'do not eat the bug'. What the fuck?

Of course you would choose not to eat the fucking bug. You weren't a dick. But your fucking soulmate was. You were totally gonna beat their fucking ass for choosing such choices.

You sigh, grabbing your coat on the way out. Your necessities jingling in your pockets of said coat. You shove your hand in, dragging out your keys, turning around to lock your door. Sighing once more, as you enter your car and start the ignition. You pull out the address. "Can't be too hard, can it?" You mutter, finally pulling out of your driveway.

"Hello!" You wiggle your fingers as a small wave at the unrecognizable woman who opened the door. "Hello." Sge greeted back softly. "Are you a friend of Barbs'?"

"You betcha!"

"Well, I'm Jess! It's a pleasure to meet you.. come on in!" Jess opened the door wider. You see a few other girls chatting lively. A glass or a beer bottle in their hands. You follow Jess.

"Y/n! You made it! Good job." Barb greeted you, immediately handing you a beer you watched her pop open. You grab it, took a gulp, and thanked her.

You spot an ant crawling on the counter by you. Jess and Barb began to argue softly. Background noise.. You debate on whether to wipe it up and eat it. You shake your heads of the thoughts to rid of the possibility of your soulmate choosing-

eat the ant.

You growl under your breath, crushing the ant under your index finger and wiping it off on your tongue. You swallow it with your spit.

Im totally beating my soulmates fucking ass.. you thought angrily, chugging the rest of your piss-tasting beer. Chug, chug, chug! You cheer yourself on.

soulmate chooses: chug.

You chuckle before downing the rest of your cheap beer. Barb hands you another wordlessly. A smirk planted on her lips as she watches you down another.

"You should really slow down, Y/n."

"Eeh come on, Jess." Barb rolled her eyes, tossing an empty bottle into the trashcan. "Her soulmate probably made her chug." Barb defends poorly.

"I suppose.. how about you chug some water?"

"Yeah.. that'd be best. I'm already feeling a fucking buzz!" You laugh, being the lightweight you were.

Soon. You had awoke in a extremely comfortable bed with a small headache.

"It's so quiet.." You mutter to yourself. Dragging your hand over your face before quickly pulling away, realising you already had acne that was beginning to sprout. You stare at the ceiling, glancing at the window. Still night-time. You turn your head to the nightstand. The lamp was on. A small glass of water.

"Awh." You smile at the thought of one of the girls leaving a cup of water for you, quietly closing the door behind them. You immediately sit up and chug the water, tossing in the two pills that lied on a small napkin right next to it. You swallow, lathering the pills up in your spit.

You stretch your arms over your head, before falling back onto the plush mattress layered in bedding. You sigh, before finally deciding that it was time to get up and see what was going on downstairs. If you were even upstairs.. you cant tell. Maybe you were downstairs? You continued your train of thought as you closed the door behind you politely. Not bothering to take the glass with you.

You continue down the stairs, hand sliding down the railing as you slowly step down each step, before noticing the sticky, yet not sticky liquid your hand laid in. "The fuck? Strawberry syrup, L-O-L." You lift it up to your lips, licking. Clearly not thinking as the taste registered.

"Pennies. Blood? Oops." You wipe your fingers off on your shirt, quickly continuing down the stairs. "Baaarrrb?!" You call out, awkwardly. "Oh. Who's the shit-face drunk lying on the floor." You step closer towards the dining area. "Barb? You fucking drunk." You snicker.

soulmate chooses: kick her.

You do so. Not like you had any choice yourself. Kicking her lightly in the stomach, you step away. "What the fuck?!" You shriek, slapping the hand that was placed in your shoulder. You turn around to face a rugged man in a dark sweater and black pants. no shoes? Yet socks on his feet.. "Who are you?!"

The person before you didn't answer before lifting up a single hand thay held a.. glass unicorn? The tip of the horn was covered in a red substance. You could only assume strawberry syrup once more.

"Murderer!" You shriek, grabbing the lamp next to you and chucked it at the offending man who barely dodged it. He screamed back in response before lunging at you; successfully tackling you to the carpet rug.

"I can't believe you, are my soulmate.. well no, i can." You place your index finger on your chin in a thoughtful manner as you stare at the ceiling. "Are you?"

"billy made you eat an ant." he snickers horridly in your ear.

As, Billy, with the biggest cock known to man, squabbled and licked the shell of your ear, muttering about pigs and boobs and pussies, you nod to yourself.

"I can just hand you over to the police, no problem." You hug yourself. "But could I, really? My soulmate. Who has killed people.. Barb. God, you fucking cunt!" You screech, rolling away from him, just to jump back on the wide-eyed motherfucker, wrapping your hands around his neck and your cunt being right over his crotch. Haha.

He gasped for air, short, uneven nails scratch at your hands.

Tables were turned, and you were back on the floor with Billy over you, screaming out profanities.

"I'm sorry, Billy." You apologize falsely. Tears streaming down to your ears, since, you were on the floor.. gravity? "You killed my friend, man. I didn't even know her that long!"

Billy leans over and licks the tears away. You flinch away, before he pulls you into his lap awkwardly, his head dipped down into the crevice of your neck and sniffed loudly before giggling to himself.

"Billy's pretty little pig. Billy's. Pretty pig. Pretty cunt. Pretty, pretty, pretty." He mutters, an odd sense of nostalgia washed over you, catching an odd scent that activated said nostalgia.

"Move bitch. Let me get fucking comfortable." You snap, pulling out of his hold and turning your body around to face him. Crotch to crotch as you wrap your legs above his own.. does this make sense? You wrap your legs around his and he crosses his legs, wrapping his arms around you tightly as you fiddle with his hair.

"Man, you are such a fucking dick. Making me do all those fucking things while i chose nice things for you.." You lay your head on his shoulder. Very much stinky, yes.

"We should dip though. Didn't one of the girls call the police while yo' dumb-fucking-ass was suffocating one?" You pull away, getting a good look at his face.

You wouldn't say he was.. handsome.. but you certainly wouldn't say he was ugly. His skin was.. a sickly pale yellow. His.. fuckimg huge brown eyes stared at you. His cracked lips were curled into a unnerving smile.

soulmate chooses: leave.

"Yeah. Let's go." You stand, offering him a hand.

Billy's blood coated calloused hand makes contact with your own. You gag, covering your lips with your free-hand. "Fucking disgusting." You mutter in disgust, enduring it for the sake of your new partner.

You shove Billy in the back of your car, slamming the door shut and sprinting to the other side, just to slip right before you put your hand on the door.

You swing it open angrily, sitting down and starting the ignition, ignoring Billy's giggles and mutters as he peers out the window like a little kid looking at snow for the first time.

break the window or tap obnoxiously.

You roll your eyes, the hint of a smile plastered onto your lips.

tap obnoxiously.

[artreider]

Let's try to get this final live blog on my station 19 rewatch done. I'm currently laid up on my couch in mild pain but unable to do anything else.

I don't really like flashback episodes but i want one for the premiere since we are jumping so far ahead. I hate that this episode starts with a fight. But damn knowing what the fight is over, i love how loyal andy is to maya in this episode. Something ive wanted for her and the team. Qnd also jaina looks gorgeous.

The fire scene yay another fire on the fire show lmao. Feel like we missed some last year which im sure was covid related.

The marina scene ugh chefs kiss. I love how happy and giddy they are. I do wish we couldve gotten to see some of their month apart communication and their quarantining apart those two weeks when carina got back. I wrote a little something related to that and i may share before the premiere of season 5.

The quiet moment between carina saying her morning was better than those 6 weeks and then asking about mayas folks was a beautiful and real moment and i love it. So brief it could be overlooked but great choice for team.

The little bit of danielle and stefania that was them and adlibbed in this episode was so great also.

I love that rhey addressed how everyone was able to attend maskless and how safe the wedding was keeping the real world element in. Also vic love you and your chicken dance comment makes me sad that we didnt get it.

Vics parents trying to talk to her about theo is so cute.

Poor lawyer she'd be good for dean.

I understand some people dont come out until late in life but that is hard to hear that you havent loved the person youve been with for decades like you do this new person. That would hurt me so much to hear, like i couldve been with someone who is my great love if youd told me sooner. I love/hate this storyline for travis family.

Ugh if this fire had gone on any longer those poor kids and elderly couple.

Haha andy you should wait until someone answers the door for you when visiting almost newlyweds or people who've been seperated for 6 weeks lmao.

Also maya's excuse and none wet (shower) sex hair i love it.

Ugh sullivan trying to defend himself makes me so upset.

Bailey giving ben hell about second and third opinions is funny, like i figure shed be all for it.

Inara and marcus leaving jack is sad. I hope we still get to see marsha in season 5. Also if they do pair jack and jo itd be a bit ironic. I mean jo too had an abusive ex like inara.

Also jack and his marsha have similar eyes, itd be something if it came out she really was his mom.

I dont understand how maya hadnt settled on what to wear she's queen of the clipboard lmao. Just goes to show how some things throw us off course. Also i totally get her saying her outfit choice will define her forever. I judge my look in my wedding photos all the time and feel like other people do as well.

Why do i feel like this exchange between maya and carina was mostly adlibbed? It just feels so fun.

This poor family and ugh i couldnt imagine having to make the tough calls of firefighters/fire captains.

Love that all the fire crew helped put the wedding on.

I understand travis emotion here.

How'd this conversation about maya's folks get started with andy???

I love that maya and andy's friendship is restored. Also famous last words maya, dont speak the bad juju into existence.

Dean you shouldve spoken up there.

Why the chief there? I live in a city and the chief aint showing up for a house call that needs a few units. At least not until fire is out of they for some reason cant get it out.

Lmao maya freaking out about wearing the same thing as carina. Andy therapizing maya is funny.

That poor boy.

The dad comments to ben are beautiful. Also love that so many of the team know how dean feels about vic.

So why is travis getting dressed separately than the rest of his team. I mean i know its because he doesnt know about Dean's feelings and pushes vic to give theo a chance as well as allow theo and travis to talk but come on. He wouldnt get ready separately.

Also what was the point of theo going to that room if not to get ready. Sorry just annoying.

I wish carina had had someone mention andrew to her. Whether ben, bailey, maya or even any of the fire team who worked on the call with him during the crossover awhile back. Her grief during this day of happiness should've been acknowledged, even with just a remembrance table for him amd other family she lost to covid.

I do love this beautiful moment with vic though saying this isnt all just for maya.

Oh my how i love the maya confronting her father. She is the brave i want to be. Also what she says to her mom, yes chefs kiss. However when her mom shows up at the wedding, really the woman couldnt grab a nice shirt or dress to wear on her way out or on her way to the wedding.

I also love the look of pride on maya's moms face both at the house and the wedding.

Im sad we probably wont get any moments of her living with marina due to the time jump.

Ugh the choice that cost maya her promotion but ahouldnt have.

Also with all maya's options for clothes, couldnt they had dressed her mama in something borrowed from maya. Lol im sorry it bothers me so.

Vic's song for the intro is beautiful. Barrett has a beautiful voice.

Maya is so happy her mom is there and i love it. Also in my head at least one person videoing is doing it for the greys family who couldnt make it to the wedding for carina.

I also love maya singing along with vic to carina.

Queen of the clipboard forgetting to write her vows is special and funny. I love carina talking her down from a panic attack. Also her simple vow is beautiful and how carina who probably did write her vows saying we're good instead of reading them after seeing maya's mom in attendance and the look shared is everything.

I truly believe that was the moment she 100% knew maya had changed from end of season 3, was definitely all the way in. She knew what it meant for maya's mom to be there.

Love the dance montage and improved marina kiss.

Another healing theo and travis talk.

Sullivan just cant let it go and ugh trying to justify it. I just cant, still not over it. Even if he isnt captain in season 5 it still isnt right.

Sullivan you cant say you have the teams back then saying you can control them and throwing maya under the bus. Those are contradictory.

This jack and andy conversation is interesting.

This marina conversation is funny but sad when you know the end of the episode.

Its so funny that so few people know about Miller's feelings at this point.

It'll be interesting to see the travis, vic and theo in season 5.

Ben and bailey are so cute.

Wish we couldve had conversations at the wedding with maya and her mom or carina and maya's mom or the 3 of them.

Inara is so wise. I hate this for all 4 of them.

Gotta love the ole grab em and pull em back to kiss them and let them know how you really feel tremmett moment.

Too late dean, they tried to tell you.

I love marina dancing in the background ugh sullivan and the surrera rehashing.

Time for the horrible news ugh.

Everyone just looking at marina and knowing is horrible.

Great season, great episode and im looking forward to whats next.

Thank you to everyone thats been following my rewatch blogging, and for all the kind comments. I appreciate it so much, made the summer so fun.

[inosukeslefttoe]

SO i just finished wonder egg priority and i think that with confidence i can say it has been one of my favorite animes like... ever ?? and not even from hyperfixation or obsession over it just... its so fucking real yet so simple in a way that i havent rlly seen shown in any other shows you feel ??

but first i wanna talk about how sexy the art and animation is real quick... HOMIE ITS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT JUST... serotonin... the characters are all so unique and iconic and fun but not over the top in their designs yknow ??? they seem like regular every day girls but they stand out and theyre all sO CUTE !!!! also i love how the style is like this soft bubbly slice of life lookin stuff with bright happy colors and the most beautiful scenes you could find but they also have the SICKEST fight scenes complete with whimsical animal helpers and terrifying villains and crazy weapons unique to each character. and the animation. god DAMN shawty i am obsessed with everything in this show. i might make a post solely about the art later lol bc i wanna get into the other stuff.

so the themes in the show right ?? it starts just as this cute lil magical girl kinda deal but within the first episode we see that like.. oh damn... thats kinda heavy... tbh i was a little shocked and thought about stopping bc yknow bad mental health BUT i was so intrigued that i had to keep going and i am SO GLAD that i did. because this show just so beautifully discusses all these heavy topics in such an eloquent and artistically expressive way. and also like, , the juxtaposition of the charming childlike vibe with bright colors and 14 yr old girl protagonists against the dark themes of suicide and so much else,, i think is just perfect. bc a lot of heavy animes are more of the seinen genre and have some middle aged dude as a protag or make the entire color palette dim or offer little relief to the pain of these heavy themes right ?? but NO not wonder egg bitches B) because these problems arent just things that ppl face later in life or just problems that need to be talked about among adults or the edgy seinen watching squad,, these are REAL problems that face people of every age, gender etc and i think its awesome that wonder egg addresses that. some may cringe at the thought of their high schooler watching animes that discuss sexual harassment, suicide, abuse, self harm, eating disorders etc,, but in reality it is the most comforting thing i have ever come across and is basically jsut free anime therapy. because not only does wonder egg present these themes to the viewers as something real that happens to all kinds of people (making said people feel heard in a way that maybe they hadnt before), but it also makes sure to vanquish all of these forms of trauma. and the way the trauma is vanquished isnt always beautiful and it isnt always just magically gone with a poof. the struggles of overcoming or living with that sort of thing are shown in such a real and relatable way that addresses every hardship trauma survivors have to go through. and i just. god i cry bro. 

oh m y GOD and the lgbtq+ rep in this show ?? like shawty... as soon as i saw episode one i was picking up on some gay/lesbian themes but then again im sapphic and project that a lot so i tend to see that sort of stuff like... everywhere... but NE WAYS... episode ten made me FUKCING CRY BRO LIke i cant believe there was a whole trans character with a whole trans pride hoodie like LKGHKDGH my heart is just so.. so fucking full thinking about him. bc like yeah i know there are trans characters in anime but i feel like theyre always very ambiguous about actually being trans or not or erased or portrayed as a harmful stereotype or theyre constantly misgendered and still refered to as their assigned gender at birth and i hate it. HOWEVEr... Kaoru.. *chefs kiss* it was so amazing to see a character straight up say “yeah im trans” in such a casual yet powerful way bc i personally have never seen that before. and i love love loved how he went into his backstory and talked to momoe about gender bc i think thats what she rlly needed and that it helped her find herself and it makes me so happy oh my god,, and the way they talked about it never seemed forced or like it was the focal point of his existence yknow ?? like yeah he existed to help momoe overcome some of her trauma but he also just existed to be HIM yknow ?? also... personally, i headcanon momoe as a trans girl even though i dont remember it being explicitly stated plus the school scenes of her and stuff would seem like they suggest otherwise ??but,,, SHAWTY THE AMOUNT OF SUBTEXT and her complicated relationship w gender is... something i feel like a cis girl would not go through so harshly yknow ?? with all of the questioning and feeling detached from femininity or feeling like ppl dont see her as an actual girl and only like her as a guy or for her masculine traits,,, but dont take my word on this bc i myself am a cis girl but that was just my take on it as someone in the lgbtq+ community trying to educate myself on the transgender community :) either way,, wonder eggs portrayal of momoe and kaoru and the way that momoe becomes so passionate about expressing herself the way she wants to as a girl is just... good lord im gonna cry its so perfect,,,.so ... i just love this show way too much. i also am honestly super lost about the relationship btwn acca and ura-acca ?? bc i was gonna mention ura-acca as a canonically gay guy bc when i was watching i interpreted ep 11 as him being in love with acca and being jealous of Azusa (bc i mean,, they lived together (i swear to god there was only one bed in that apartment) and had a daughter together and def loved each other and also when Frill said they were husbands and then when ura-acca said he wasnt attracted to azusa but he was def jealous of their relationship ??) but then i saw somewhere that theyre brothers ?? which would make sense ig since they look kinda similar and accas daughter called ura-acca “uncle”.. but at the same time its ANIME SO THEY ALL LOOK SIMILAR and referring to gay couples as siblings is an EXTREMELY common euphemism soooo... IM JUST LOST HERE... but yeah i tried doing research and found different things so i cant say anything for sure >:( however,,, if they are canonically a lil fruity for each other... when frill refered to acca as ura-accas husband i imploded dude you never hear that sort of wording in anime.. but if theyre related i am so sorry. 

god this is so much longer than i planned it to be oops but i also love the theme about like.. relying on friends to help carry your weight but at the same time not becoming completely dependent on those friends and using their support to learn how to love yourself and rely on yourself yknow ?? bc that is exactly what healthy friendships look like. bc i think ai sort of had a codependency thing goin on with koito maybe ?? but now she has a whole squad of funky friends that are so so different but all struggle with different kinds of trauma and although they fight over it, they always get through it with each other together. and they push each other no matter what to be the best versions of themselves and they teach other that getting hurt is okay because theyre always gonna be there to pick up the pieces no matter what happens. they can give each other space when they need and adapt to meet each others needs but theyre always able to balance it out with their own needs and thats such a beautiful thing in friendships especially at their age like damn i wish i had that maturity when i was 14 but no all i had was depression. another thing is that through these friendships you get to see all the different sides of each girl; you get to see them being strong or a shining light to their friends when theyre hurting but you also get to see them being hurt and weak and allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of the comfort. their friendships allows them to have weaknesses but it also allows them to highlight their strengths and thrive off of each others. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP DUDE

next i wanna briefly mention some of the themes connected to suicide that ive noticed. a big one is the survivors guilt that ai feels once koito is dead. several times she screams that she wishes she couldve gone with koito and she dreams of a “perfect world” where they committed a double suicide. one of the main reasons for her troubles is that she blames herself for koitos death and feels like it should be her thats dead... but at the same time she feels like too much of a coward to do anything now that koito is gone. she just has all these complex and contradicting feelings that wear away at her in ways that ppl that havent gone through the suicide of a loved one could never imagine. a lot of the times when things like this are portrayed in media i feel like its more in a way thats meant to guilt trip those that have taken their own lives and paint suicide as this selfish sin thats unforgivable but... not only does wonder egg reject that idea and instead portray it as a heartbreaking tragedy with,,, so so many terrible reasons, but it focuses on the feelings of ai separate from koito without blaming her in any way. not once did i feel like the show antagonized koito or that ai blamed koito for doing any of this, but they simply mourned her loss and touched on ais reaction towards the event but separate from koito herself if that makes sense. and i think that discussing survivors guilt without painting koito as the bad guy is something so beautifully done in wonder egg that can really resonate with those that have lost a loved one to suicide and have struggled with these same things.

okay i think this is the last thing ill mention,,, but HOMIE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE BIT AT THE END. I AM. OBSESSED. i am such a whore for anything about the multiverse okay n e ways...,, not only did this make a super epic trippy ending of season one and add a little bit more magical girl whimsy to the show,, but it had such a powerful message. from the perspective of og ai,, finding out that you killed yourself in another world is... i mean its definitely not a surprise but at the same time it rlly makes you think how close og ai herself couldve been to that point and what decisions led her out of that dark place in her life. if i were in her shoes i would be terrified and id cry bc the thought of going back to such a dark place and actually going through with something like that is my worst fear and probably something that ai fears too. but at the same time,,, think from the perspective of ai two !!! like yeah its true that theres this awful terrible version of ai that dies but theres also a whole version of ai that is a superhero magical girl fighting off monsters to save countless ppls lives !! and she has a badass lizard and a gang of awesome friends !!! at first i was worried that ai two would be jealous of og ai and compare herself to her and feel inferior but like.. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON AND CAPABLE OF THE SAME THINGS !!! and ai two realized that !! just within the span of one episode, she went from the version of ai who took her life,, to the version of ai jumping in front of a friend to take a bullet for them and save their life. and that just inspired THE SHIT OUT OF ME. i think that ai was sent another version of herself to sort of beat her own worst enemy yknow ?? those doubts and fears that shes no good or that shes that same bystander from episode one and that she hasnt changed at all. but getting to interact with her parallel self and see her grow was just what she needed to realize that while yeah sometimes the worst thing can happen and things can be terrible but on the other hand sometimes the most wonderful thing imaginable can happen because she has the power to do either. 

so im gonna go ahead and stop rambling bc i got all my thoughts out that i wanted to for this post :D but yeah lol i might make another if i feel like it sometime. long story short: this show is perfect and it is going on my favorite of all times.

[enbyblades]

ok so my roommate and i were talking about starop bc i love dragging her into my bullshit...but also its her own fault for asking why i ship them jsdlafsf but anyway we came up with some good angsty content 

so anyway to be honest we were detailing a potential animatic jashdlasfjsf but it kinda led to us talking about the story potential of having this cross faction romance and all that like parallels between characters; theyre in a fight and somehow starscream winds up fighting against optimus and he fires a missile at him but misses a little too intentionally and megatron notices and like squints his eyes and gives starscream shit about it later of course bc hes suspicious and tells soundwave to keep a closer eye on him,,,, 

whereas ratchet, in a separate battle, starscream gets shot down by one of the other autobots and optimus just freezes and he wants to run to star and make sure hes ok and it shows on his face and his body language and ratchets pieced things together at this point, he knows Smthn is going on between those two, cuz hes perceptive and he just,, nods at optimus and turns the other way, off to help the others...he pretends he does not see it. 

and knockout knows, hes still a bitch but he and starscream have smthn of a mutual respect for one another, mostly bc breakdown acts as knockouts conscience ajsdhlsff, so while he teases star like “have fun with your boy toy, screamer? ‘,:)” he still like covers for him when megatron is wondering where he is and hes off with optimus. 

but the SPICY parts, so starscream kidnaps bumblebee and fucks him up a good deal, probably as a desperate attempt to get megatron off his back a little, and when optimus and maybe someone else arrives to save him, star grabs bee in a chokehold with his gun pointed at his head and optimus of course is horrified and trying to talk him down telling him he doesnt have to do this and wondering whY hes doing this, and starscream shoots bumblebee in the torso, not killing him but yknow, hes gonna be out for the count for a hot minute, and flees the scene 

so they dont see eachother for a while, they stop having their secret meetings bc optimus is hurt and starscream is in his own emotional turmoil over the situation. before optimus can figure out how he wants to handle the situation, he gets a complaint from fowler whos like “WHY is this goddamn jet ATTACKING random truckers???” bc starscream, ever so smooth, decided the best way to get ops attention was to. tackle him in alt mode apparently. ratchet gives him a look and says “looks like someones trying to get ur attention...” and optimus decides hell try to find star in their usual meeting place. ratchet of course is like, long suffering sigh “i cant stop you optimus...i just hope you know what youre doing. be careful.”

so they meet and starscream tries to act like everything is normal but of course optimus has to address the elephant in the room, and starscream is like “i thought we agreed to not talk about war and factions when we meet..” and optimus is like “starscream, you grievously injured bumblebee. you know why we have to talk about this” it becomes pretty heated, mostly bc starscream is explaining himself and is frustrated at the world and their situation and is ranting. he apologizes and clearly regrets what he did, and optimus, having the spark of a saint, forgives him tho hes still hurt. starscreams still VERY distressed though. they have This exchange:

“starscream...please. come back with me... you wont feel like you have to hurt my friends anymore. we wont have to sneak out in secret...”

“how many times do i have to tell you i CANT optimus! megatron would KILL me!” (he used to claim that he cant abandon this cause hes worked so hard for, but hes since come to realize the original ideas the decepticons were fighting for have been lost to megatrons batshittery.)

“we would protect you-”

“oh, like you protected CLIFFJUMPER?”

his eyes widen as he immediately realizes how royally hes just fucked up, and he can see it in optimus face that hes barely holding back a whole slew of hurt, disappointment, anger. it hurts twice as bad bc we all know WHO killed cliff, but also bc optimus no doubt has that leader complex that causes him to feel like cliffs death was his fault bc he couldnt lead them well enough to prevent it, and STAR knows this, and optimus Knows that star knows this, and its just..OOF. so optimus holds it in.

“o-optimus, i- im sorry, i didnt-”

“starscream....i cannot abandon my family. so you need to pick a side....and if it is not removed from the decepticons...i dont think it is healthy for us to keep this up.”

“optimus wAIT-”

but hes already transformed and is driving away. 

again time passes, i havent thought this part all the way thru yet, but eventually they meet again somehow and starscream apologizes (again) PROFUSELY, and optimus, in his infinite patience, forgives him again. they meet in their secret place, and its a pleasant normal meeting, but what optimus said is still very much an issue that needs to be addressed, and its lingering. starscream apologizes again for what he said about cliffjumper, and says smthn along the lines of “if anyone could protect me, not that i NEED protection, mind you......id trust you to be able to.”

“then come back with me...”

he looks conflicted. he wants to go so bad, but....

“we’ll see.” 

they kiss and part ways. optimus drives off, but when starscream turns around hes face to face with lazerbeak. soundwave comes out of his hiding place.

“scrap...”

he doesnt bother trying to come up with a lie. he knows it wont get him anywhere. soundwave heard enough, and no doubt recorded it. so instead he pleads with soundwave not to say anything. he promises he wont betray the decepticon cause, he hasnt given the autobots any information and he doesnt plan to, just PLEASE dont say anything. 

soundwave doesnt say a word. he opens a groundbridge and gestures for starscream to walk through first. 

and the next part also isnt totally fleshed out but i imagine he doesnt feel like he has much of a choice, so he walks through and has to face whatever megatron has in store for him unless he manages to escape somehow. whether he gets out on his own volition or is thrown off the ship by megatron is still up in the air, but the ensuing fallout of soundwave finding out and telling megs is what finally pushes starscream to abandon the decepticons for good. 

ANYWAY. YEA. ANGST.