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#do that and take that burden off of me
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On average, what is the total MONTHLY amount that you spend on dining out*?
*(This doesn't only count going out to restaurants, but also stuff like picking up fast food to bring home, getting a coffee on the way to work, getting a premade sandwich from a grocery store deli during lunch, buying a quick snack from a convenience store or food cart whilst walking somewhere, ordering a pizza or any other food to be delivered to your home, etc.)
*(If you often dine out in groups/as a household: calculate and divide the costs so that you get a Per Person average. This is for YOU individually, NOT the total household/group costs)
(I'm sure polls similar to this have been made before (very common topic), I just haven't personally seen one that I can remember, so, I was curious to do my own! I was discussing this with a group of people today and it was very interesting to see how widely the number varied between individuals. :0c )
(Reblog for bigger sample size if you can, and feel free to explain your answer in tags if there's anything extra to add!)
#polls#tumblr polls#I'm mostly in the 0/1 - 25$ category. Maybe the rare month is a bit over $25 if there's something specific going on like birthday.#Which I'm NEVER eating in an actual restaurant (erm... covid... plus I just hate restaurant environments. i would rather pickup#the food and bring it home to a peaceful quiet environment that I control lol). But more typically like stopping by a grocery store deli#section or something. I don't have coffee that much. And I can't eat fast food much due to my health issues/diet restriction stuff#so if I'm out like coming back from an appointment and I start feeling really sick and weak. I know that a hamburger will just#blow up my system and cause nausea or something. So I try to pick the breadiest most#neutral looking turkey sandwich at the safeway deli to eat during the hour ride home or whatever lol#I actually kind of wish I could do stuff like get food more often vecause it would take the burden of cooking everything off of me#but.. alas... Money... and Health Things... T o T#I still wouldn't do it ALL the time but like... once a week instead of once a month or something.. or maybe turning into a coffee#person.. I do love drinks A LOT .. i am a drink person who will have 5 different drinks sipping on at all times#But i just have to make them all myself mostly lol#And I cant really have too much coffee since it will make me sick. so like.. teas and juice mostly#When I inevitably become a millionaire by never using social media never networking and only finishing one#sculpture every 5 months which I dont even post about or sell - then I shall... get more drinks..#I will somehow wean my body onto coffee and drink one a day solely for the ritual of it#Though even then... I would still probably just like.. buy the mateirals to make it at home or something#Like if you had a million dollars you could just buy a kitchen grade ice cream machine and other stuff to make your own milkshakes and#coffees and smoothies and bubble teas. Genuinely I think even if I were a BILLIONAIRE I would still look at playing likr $8 for a single#coffee and go .. uh.... I could just buy the equipment to make this and then save that money. PLUS. its in my house now so no need to#have to leave. I can make my own drinks in the comfort of home. .. ideal..#Like no matter how rich I ever got I would still have the lingering scroogey stinginess. like i am NOT paying for that. I will jus#make it myself. Especially if it was an Everyday thing. Anythign thats part of my routine I try to optimize and make as efficient as#possible... ANYWAY.. In an IDEAL world I would get treats. but probably not that much. as on a daily basis it would start to get#to me and I would just save up to buy kitchen machinery if I was rich lol
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ineed-to-sleep · 4 months
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Funny how all it takes is a couple of conversations with a cis straight man about gender to make me go "yup I'm definitely not cis"
#listen I adore my stepfather ok but he's got a pretty traditional view of gender#he's very respectful of others and doesn't enforce it on anyone else#and I think it's not that toxic all things considered bc he sees 'manhood' as being primarily about being hard working and protecting other#but it's still very gender essentialist#and he sees a lot of things as 'man things' and 'woman things'#and talks about skills and roles that are 'men's'#and I'm just like well but I do a lot of those things. but I identify with a lot of the things you describe.#and he tries to go around it like 'ahh well but you have personal history with that' etc etc#we get along really well tho we don't fight or anything but it's interesting to me#it makes me realize just how much I'm outside of the binary in the eyes of cis people#and how much 'trying to be a man' or 'trying to be a woman' are things that hold no emotional meaning to me(personally)#I could not care less what makes me masculine or feminine or if either of those labels are revoked for some reason#taking on the label of woman or man feels like a burden to me bc it always comes with a set of expectations#I just wanna be me yk. I just want people to see me through the lens of 'this is a person'#'this is what this person likes. this is how this person behaves'#I just wanna turn off gender. can I do that? like just flip a switch and no one perceives me as anything anymore#in a perfect world maybe#sleep.txt#I honestly still don't fully understand how I feel about gender but. I know that I don't like being put into a box#the box is Evil.
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t-u-i-t-c · 8 months
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"I thought the unlicensed sham would be here."
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blushy-tigerrr · 2 months
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vent in tags sorry
cw: mention of loss
#adding a long note to the beginning so no one sees the actual vent in the case that they don’t want to which is absolutely okay#okay that’s probably good#i feel like a failure today.#my car wouldn’t start on friday and i haven’t had a moment to actually call a mechanic until today#called early in the morning and he said he’d call me back with a time#i’ve reached out multiple times since then and have heard NOTHING#if i don’t get it fixed today i’ll have to take my partners car instead#and when i asked them if that would possibly be okay#they started off on a rant about how they were planning to do all this shit tomorrow morning and now can’t if they don’t have their car#but genuinely. how tf was i supposed to know about their plans?? why did they have to say it all like this is completely my fault???#i’m sorry that i’m still in a not so good mental place right now and might forget to do things in a more timely manner#i’ve had two grandparents pass away in the span of a few WEEKS. give me a little grace.#i give them the same understanding every day when they’re having a rough time#so why can’t they offer me the same thing?#i know they’re just stressed and tired and busy but FUCK SO AM I#i’m just. over it. i want to go to sleep.#and by sleep i mean literal sleep i’m not insinuating anything darker i promise#i may be in a rough spot mentally but it is not that kind of rough <3 i’m safe#just. very tired. and in need of support.#i feel like i’m always giving and rarely getting support in this relationship.#and now i’m just feeling like a burden and an inconvenience for even needing the extra support in the first place#the urge to run away and start my life over is strong holy shit
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mostlyghostlyy · 1 month
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Can only imagine the stress of getting as many asks as you do… you’re a true pioneer in Longloving and your effort doesn’t go unnoticed. Please take all the time you need answering everyone we appreciate you!!🤍
Oh, don't worry, I don't answer anything that I dont want too. It just happens that I'm a fucking 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴 and I love writing bizarre shit.
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faaun · 1 month
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ok let's catch up quickly
#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth#(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian#like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told#him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive#fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research#(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux#to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him#my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept#insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them#and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating#apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they#keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading#this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY#JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT#NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn#this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore#i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt#himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure#even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin#right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love#her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her#its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking#kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD#i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society#feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO#WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best#its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good#one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much
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arolesbianism · 1 month
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Time for more eternal gales isat au, this time featuring Sier as Isabeau, creating a sprite I can never use next to Aris’ because despite my best efforts it would make them look tall
#keese draws#eternal gales#oc#oc art#isat#in stars and time#this one didn’t take nearly as long as the aris one but I think I suffered for it more from the clothes alone#siffrin made me forget I suck at drawing clothes rip#this was also harder because of how much trickier it was to try and adapt siers design to feel fitting enough for my standards#they have a very stylized design compared to most of the others#I kind of took the lazy route out by keeping most of their original shapes in tact but it’s fine#sier in this au would serve the needed role of emotionally intelligent bestie who is also too scared to cross boundaries to do much#but despite this I do think they’d actually get the suspicion quest in this au#mostly because mase is a furry artist not a nerd and sier would be more likely to look at aris and go bro. are you in a fucking timeloop.#it also differs in that aris doesn’t yell at sier abt it instead looping before they can finish because she can’t handle hearing them be#right on the money about this thing that she thought she was handling perfectly#she doesn’t want to fail them she doesn’t want them to realize she’s failed them she doesn’t want to be a burden she doesn’t want them to#‘realize’ they’re better off without her#aris is Incredibly resistant to accepting help on most serious issues because shes convinced that it’s her responsibility to deal with it#by herself and that if she can’t then she’s a failure and worse than useless#I mean in canon eternal gales she literally loses her eye and arm because of that#in this au she just lost them how sif lost his eye but she still has. complexes abt all that.#but yeah sier also differs wildly from isa in many Many other ways as does the rest of the cast from their assigned characters#for sier they rly aren’t the jock of the group at all instead being more of the guy who keeps the mood lighthearted at all times lest they#die of stress because the others haven’t said anything in a whole 30 seconds#aka they’re the self assigned peacekeeper who doesn’t actually need to constantly keep the peace because no one’s fighting but they still#feel like they need to so they dance and dance and dance for their friends until they collapse from exhaustion#metaphorically ofc#this is why they’re both terrified to confront aris when she starts acting a bit fucked up but also why they still do sometimes anyways#they talk abt this a lil bit in their friend quest as they talk abt how they want to change but are scared to
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bacchuschucklefuck · 3 months
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i really love your musings on baron! especially the way they're like. The consequences, almost? The monkey's paw? The immutable gap in between Riz and what society wants from him? do you plan to push those boundary-breaking aspects more in your class swap au? how?
you guys are giving me the wrong kinda credits if you think I plan out Anything for these stories lol. I'm havin fun enjoyin! this is not my day job and I will never start treating it as such.
but there is something here though about like, how I as a guy in my room drawing for fun approach these things vs. what canon is, and what I get to do that the d20 team don't. it's evident with class swap baron specifically - which means I'm not gonna ease up on the horror part of it whenever I draw or write or whatever for them, because honestly that's the part that's the most fun for me. so (taps the blog description) if evil and scary things start showing up more in my art you bet ur bippy it's intended babeyy
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bunnihearted · 5 months
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🐰🌧️
#so on my way home..#i walked by a school and besides the fact that i felt so depressed bc just looking at these kids and adults i have NO hope for the future#i saw two boys on a bench as i walked by... and i just thought they were talking. and too late i realized that no one of the boys were#bullying the other boy. the bully walked away and the other boy just sat there looking so lifeless and dejected#a teacher came and sat down w that boy and i just kept walking. even if i wanted to say smth it's like what would i even do abt that situati#that made me so sad both bc that boy.. he looked so dejected and used to it. that anxiety going to school knowing you're bullied is awful#and like i imagined talking to him and saying heyyy if you're lucky you'll grow up to be 25yrs old#live like a parasite off your mom and be on wellfare and never have had a job :)#you'll have no education or highschool diploma :) you will still struggle to finish hs even at an easier level :)#you will also not have had friends in 10yrs and you'll be terrified of ppl and getting close to anyone and even going outside!!#you'll have no interests and hobbies and skills! you'll simply be a waste of space loser being a burden on everyone around u!#whoop whoop stay alive buddy it will only get worse ❤️#god i just wanna cry. how did i let my life turn out this way??? i used to be full of dreams and life and passion and HOPE#i used to believe in things and in people. i had so many dreams and i wanted to try and do so many things#now all i can think is 'i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die'. im miserable wherever i go lmao#there's this bridge over the highway i have to cross when i walk to school and every time i look down at the trafic and when a truck drives#by i feel my entire body vibrate. i just wanna jump and get mauled by it.#or i dont *want* to but i feel so deeply and desperately that it's the only way for me#only way to make it stop hurting. and i am weak. i dont know how to just 'stop' or take control of my life. thats why i wanna die#bc i know that i wont be able to. that my life will never amount to anything#for fuck's sake my dream now is just to have my own 1bedroom apartment and have a shitty job - like in a grocery store or whatever!!!!!#not even that can i make happen! bc im so worthless i cant do anything. im also stupid so i wouldnt be able to do my job right#i dont know... i dont know... these feelings and thoughts are too much i just wanna relax#but i cant bc my ribs hurt and idk if it's heartburn or an ulcer 💀 why am i even alive???? what am i doing all this for? 😭#my thoughts ran away but i meant like seeing that reminded me of how much of a failure i became#bc of my circumstances and all the shitty ppl around me thru out my life
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box-dwelling · 1 year
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I know that how much Phoenix suspected Kristoph is very vague and I like the idea he had very little clue but honestly the thing that makes me think he did is Trucy. Because I think there is absolutely no way Kristoph didn't want her dead. He tried to kill vera, child murder isn't above him. And Trucy was a far far bigger weak chain in his scheme than she was but she escapes him basically unscathed other than minus one parent, who lets be real was canonically a POS who tried to kill a woman over a poker game. She saw him give her the diary page. She has psychic lie defecting abilities and he is constantly lying. She's absolutely the biggest direct threat to his scheme.
I feel like if Phoenix genuinely trusted Kristoph he would have absolutely had the opportunity to kill her and tie up that loose end. Trucy's savvy and able to protect herself but she's also a child. It is a miracle she's still alive by AA4 and I think that has to be because Phoenix was protecting her because he knew he couldn't trust Kristoph around her.
#ace attorney#phoenix wright#kristoph gavin#trucy wright#aa4#Apollo Justice ace attorney#7yg#also i do just kind of prefer the idea of that this was a battle Phoenix knew he was fighting every day and knew he would probably lose#thats a more enjoyable angst for me#and it kind of makes a bit more sense for why he cut everyone off and isolated himself#like he knew that he was in the lions den and didn't want anyone else in there with him woth the exception of trucy who was inndanger anyway#and he knew he was the only one who understood this battle enough to protect her#but alternative explanations can include a krisnix one where kristoph genuinely didn't want to hurt Phoenix's daughter#but honestly my krisnix take is that he would because that man is possessive as fuck and wouldn't want Phoenix giving his attention to her#or it could be that Phoenix is clueless and trucy isnt and shes the one actually fighting the battle and protecting him#but thats also very very sad and i don't want to do that to her#maybe theyre both protecting the other but refusing to tell each other because they dont want to put the other in danger#that would be in character as fuck for the wrights#trucy fully in a ya adventure we cant tell our parents about the unspeakable horrors because then they'll get hurt#while Phoenix is trying desperately to just keep them both alive but doesn't want to put that burden on a literal child#idk i do genuinely just think its way way sadder if Kristoph is a known threat through most of the 7yg#but they know they cants pull away from him even as he poses a direct threat to them because that makes him even more dangerous#beanix
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tyranno-solei-rex · 16 days
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I leave my home and play my silly performances with my band and i am King of the Geeks!! they love me! i play their pop culture songs for them and they gift me offerings: money and food and kandi and compliments. i bask in the praise and bounce to the tunes we create.
and then i return to my life and i am nothing. i fall from my position as outcast royalty, as quickly as i rose to it. no longer worthy of praise or goodies, i fall back into my pocket of the world: too accomplished for geekery, not smart enough for nerdism, too silly to be mainstream.
i practice my songs and arrange more fandom tunes and rosin up my bow, hoping once again for the euphoria of exaltation: back on the stage once more, me and my fiddle and my friends, making both planned and unplanned noise. loving every second of it.
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voulezloux · 4 months
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#idk how to tag this but it’s about my dad who i just went NC with bc he’s abusive and hasn’t changed#so if you don’t want to read keep scrolling i don’t care i just need to fucking do something#i’ve passed rage and now i’m just sad#and i feel bad about being sad bc i don’t want to be sad bc being sad SUCKS#i feel like i’m burdening my friends by telling them the shit my dad did to me#ik realistically im probably not but i just#only three people would truly understand the situation#my mom my sister and my childhood best friend#my sister is off limits bc i’m not putting her in the middle of this again#my mom was also abused by my dad and i don’t want to trigger her or make her feel bad so i don’t feel like#i can always go to her about this shit#and i don’t want to take advantage of my best friend’s listening ear even though she is being supportive of me and everything#like i just feel guilty and i feel like im burdening others with my burden#i want it to all stop i just want to stop being sad#i want to stop feeling like im 7 year old me hiding in the pantry from my dad#i don’t want to go to work i don’t want to do anything really#and it’s not like i want to die i just want to stop feeling like this#i want to stop feeling like i somehow fucked everything up when it was my dad’s fault#ik i should book another therapy appointment but i can’t with the way my week is next week#and idk i’m just#im not having a good time#i’ve taken an ativan every night this week bc of all this#previous to this idk when the last time i took an ativan even was#and i’m not trying to read into it too much but its hard not to when ive gone literal months without taking it#and now i’m taking it every night so i don’t stay up half the night bc my brain won’t shut up
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faebriel · 10 months
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hgs brainrot has returned due to tbosas .. speaking of hgs here’s an ask abt the hgs au: if things were totally different, and Wilbur were to be a 12 victor, what do you think a possible mentor-tribute dynamic would look like between him & Niki? I feel like it would be similar to Snow & Lucy in the way that he’s just going out of his way to cheat n help her
anon u have in fact struck jackpot because this is a concept i was spinning some thoughts abt before bee mentioned avoxes and we went OOOOH at that!!! so yes i have considered rainduo as a mentor-tribute dynamic and would love to talk about that concept too :]
so for this concept i think wilbur and niki would be close friends throughout childhood from 12, and then in their teens wilbur is reaped and, well, no one has particularly high hopes (he's a writer and a musician at heart, not a fighter) but through sheer trickery and dumb luck, he makes it to the end of the games. wilbur pulled some pretty fucked up tricks to win - when you can't use brute force, you have to use your brain - and partly due to the trauma of the games, partly due to his shame and survivor's guilt, he sinks into the capitol and relishes a new life there as a socialite. to him, the old wilbur died in the games and the new one has taken his place - to niki, and to his other friends in 12, whatever the games did to him made him into every vapid heartless capitol victor there is.
or. niki has her doubts. they all saw how horrible the games were, but surely there is some part of him left, some part that's hurting, even if it's buried deep?
anyway.
like og spin of the au, niki is reaped and this sucks - this time she does expect wilbur as her mentor on the train, and she expects some kind of warm welcome (maybe even an apology for leaving them so suddenly and silently? an explanation?) but she gets jack shit. wilbur is jaded and cruel and unrecognisable and niki entirely hates it. this is the part where i REALLY WISH we got some time of those two beefing with each other directly in canon (or at least interactions while niki was So Mad at him) but it's okay we fly blind. niki feels abandoned, lonely, thrown off of her kilter - she expected an ally in this place, but she doesn't recognise the person wilbur has become. she doesn't recognise his shallowness (...much), his ruthless advice for the arena, the way he doesn't seem to care for anything. she's scared and now she's lonely and it pisses her off - their mentorship is fraught. here are some thoughts from discord on that:
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i tend to think of niki as a bit naïve before l'manberg or even doomsday - i think this is an au where this streak would come out real strong, and niki is stubborn that she can get through the games without losing herself. stubborn that she can stop things, that she can protect people. i don't think wilbur is cold enough (or, really, can bear to say aloud) to say that her odds in the arena are slim enough as it is, but he definitely tells her that she's making enemies and that her odds of survival dwindle with the more trouble she causes.
beyond that... hm. niki's trust in wilbur is almost unshakeable until nov 16, even when she outright says she doesn't recognise him anymore. i think she'd reluctantly listen re: don't burn down any buildings, but she would grow bolder each day she had to stay in the capitol. she gets more honest in front of the cameras. she makes more friends in training, and not the ones wilbur recommends. she throws barbs at him every time he makes one of those callous, cold-hearted comments about other tributes and rankings and odds. and besides, she's going in the arena this time, not him. she needs to practice her bravery.
it's like... she hasn't given up on him. she thinks the old wilbur is in there somewhere. (she is wrong. that is not how trauma works.) but she won't hold her tongue just because she
for extra angst points could definitely play up the whole 'feeling abandoned' angle between them as niki goes into the arena - probably due to how fraught their friendship gets leading up to the games. niki wants to focus on them and their friendship, wilbur has stringently cut off (almost) everything from 12 and refuses to let her in; he tells her to behave for the cameras, she tells him she never will. i think the last point in that screenshot would also make for a super tasty argument where niki feels wilbur has gone astray, that he's abandoned 12, and that he'll probably do nothing but sit on his ass and watch her die and he can't even bring himself to care about her anymore, can he? just more fodder for the arena. and honestly, i think wilbur would passively agree with most of that - he values niki's opinion, after all, even now, and if she says he's rapidly descending into a lost cause then she must be right. and it's niki, so she will be fine, and he goes to his bedroom that night and tries to pretend he is sleeping perfectly fine instead of feeling paralysed with fear.
okay now onto the games - YES HE SO WOULD. or at least i think he would go out of his way to help. as for cheating - he's a recent victor for 12 and i think he would value tommy (no doubt a link to him... i think they'd be in touch in this au also) too much to risk the punishment falling onto him as well. i get the vibes this is a games closer to 74th than 10th, so there are far fewer opportunities to cheat and the consequences of getting caught are higher. but schmoozing up sponsors? making stupid ass radio interviews or whatever to talk up niki's odds? sharing anecdotes from their childhood - some real, some entirely fabricated - across capitol airwaves to stoke their sympathy? 100%. with less to lose in this au, i think niki would be far less inclined to play nice for the cameras - i hope you starve, she spits at one of them, and wilbur appears on a talkshow two days later as she scrambles for survival in the arena to talk up how she always saved loaves from the bakery for the poorest mothers and children in 12. he borrows and begs and swindles to the point where it feels like cheating. but hey, this new wilbur is capitol-branded. he knows how to play the game.
if anything he probably sinks into the game a little too much. self-preservation is not his forte. probably wracks up a few heavy debts and favours to owe, but those are not priority until niki is out of the arena, alive. as long as she wins, and as long as the family he has isn't in danger, he will manage. wow it would suck if at some point those two goals became impossible to co-achieve. anyway
i kind of see niki's victory in the arena being similar to the one in the main au - if only because planning out an entire games is hard for meee >-< . she walks in bolder and braver for sure, and with a less strategic pick of allies, but they all get picked off and she spends a few weeks so terrified she can barely sleep and then she ruptures some fuel line and sets the arena alight with a fire that burns brighter and more ravenously than it should. but she wins, and she's airlifted out of a filthy, muddy creek she had resigned herself to die in, and wilbur barges his way through as many peacekeepers so that he can actually see her with her burnt skin and hair and unfocused eyes and trust that what was on the screens wasn't a fluke, and that they made it. and then it's just a matter of surviving the after.
i'm sure there are some other random quirks or tidbits i can think of re: this take on a c!rainduo hunger games au but these are my base thoughts!!
#can i just say whatever the hell lucy grey n snow had going on in part 1 made me so berko btw. like congrats ur my means to an end youre my#symbol youre my buddy? should we kiss? i'll get you out of here / don't make me leave these people behind#BRIDGING OFF OF THE TBOSAS DISCUSSION. i think the thing with crainduo (or at least how i like to depict them) is that they care about each#other extremely deeply and value each other... without being each others number one priority at all times.#i don't think niki plays priority with people she cares for like that; see her relationships with like wilbur and eret in lmanberg#even her friendship with and offering ponk a place to stay in her city after manberg even tho manberg hurt her#as for wilbur: his priority is tommy. like always. if it was just him on the line he'd do anything to get niki thru but it's not#asks#hunger games au#they would truly be such a nightmare in this au like. wilbur's self loathing is SO HIGH due to survivors guilt and trauma and mental illnes#he thinks that niki is So Good and Has It Together meanwhile he is So Bad#and is a mess that she cannot possibly rely on him. she can't possibly need him. she can't possibly want him around#<- and this shit is INGRAINED like. it's not even an active thought pattern anymore it is carved into his brain like a groove#and so shes like. do you even care whether i live or die??#of course he does. but this is the capitol. he cant be vulnerable in a way that matters#and that alienates niki further and this rage and heartbreak is building in her with nowhere to go. and in the arena she thinks it erupts#nah uh. i think its AFTER the area when she has to face wilbur again that she would go full screaming meltdown#ANYWAY !! i really like aus where they have this friction esp because i think like.. idk i think sometimes our views of rainduo are too ros#wilbur kind of forgets about niki sometimes because his self hatred is that bad. niki doesnt get wilburs mental illness and takes it both a#a burden/blame AND a direct rejection of her and her friendship#and they hover just outside of each others spaces anxious and angry and almost self flagellating. GOOD FOR THEM !#anyway Yes this did unlock something within me. thanks anon feel free to add on if u had more thoughts esp re: tbosas and such bc i had suc#a good time watching that movie
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girl-bateman · 3 months
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it sounds so obvious now, but im pretty sure my physical problems rn can all be traced back to the fact that my brain and body has been in a constant hypervigilance and cortisol overload for 3 months straight. the dizziness, the blackouts, the acne, the constant nausea, the giant eyebags and sudden crows feet ?? Like yeah, no shit thats what happens when ur every waking hour is the equivalent of that camille preaker crying gif
#i know the fact that i faint every couple of days and go a little blind sometimes should be priority here#but it REALLY pisses me off how much and how quickly this (?) stress is aging me#id still like to look good even if i feel like shit. sorry#the worst thing is that im doing everything in my power to do all the right things#but since i dont actually KNOW why having sex affected me in such a weird way. I cant really take the proper steps to get over it#like.. i can treat the symptoms best i can but as far as the root of it all. i have no idea whats actually wrong or how to fix it#in some senses it seems pretty cut and dry- i cant remember my childhood. i was neglected. i have a bunch of issues#i have sex for the first time. i stop functioning. i go into a depressive episode. i cant sleep.eat.be around people#i feel paralyzed by fear at the most random of times and have to hide in a small space to feel safe again. i cry so much i pop an eye vesse#like CLEARLY something is wrong. and just in an objective sense it sounds like something bad happened a long time ago associated with sex#however ! life is more complicated than that and i think its unhelpful to make assumptions (yes im aware i might also be in denial lol)#i already know i have trauma so its not weird for me to exhibit trauma responses. and maybe that was triggered bc i wasnt ready to have sex#it doesnt have to have a sinister explanation. it might just be as simple as me not vibing with the guy and regretting it later#idk. obviously my reaction to it is violently out of proportion. but i might just be a sensitive person !#does that sound silly or reasonable? reading it back i still kinda wonder if its just the denial speaking but idk!#i really really wish i just knew what was wrong so that i could actually start to move on#i know im bumming u guys out talking about it but i cant exactly talk to my family and im trying to not unload everything onto my friends :#bc as supportive and wonderful as they are i can tell they feel bad and have no idea what to say#which is fair enough bc its a really weird situation! so i dont want to burden them more than what i have to for my own sanity#tw#?#diary entries
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mistninja · 3 months
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Worst possible time for uni to start again. I talked about maybe taking a break for the rest of the year with my mom last night and she started screaming about how I'm never going to graduate at this rate and how I should decide if I even want to graduate if I'm always going to put work first BITCH if I had the money to focus on my academic career I would already be finishing this degree but we are poor get over yourself
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agayconcept · 3 months
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