#don't you love it when you unintentionally give your parental figure trauma?

[four-4-dream-land]

I'm curious, Kirby, what's it like to use Crash?

“Poyo...”

“PFFFBRR BRBRBR BWW BWW BWW WAAAAAA!!!”

The little puff jumped and flailed his limbs about while mimicking an explosion. Using an ability with such massive power behind it didn’t seem to harm him or even shake him out of his senses. In fact, he could even find it fun sometimes!

It did, however, make a certain Nanto Ken user incredibly bothered upon first witnessing Kirby use Crash, and no one had the heart to explain to him why...

[winns-stuff]

(this is likely going to be suupeer lengthy,so my apologies in advance)Hello,What's up?Hope everything's just fine!Ya know since the new chapter seems to be focusing on demeter presumably(I haven't read it nor am I giving half a quick bother since I don't have the heart to watch her be berated and bashed by overstretched , mutant blue felonious gru)I thought I'd come here and discuss a thing in regards to the fandom and her that's been pushing my buttons for quite some time! From the very beginning of demeter's character introduction , fans would compare demeter to mother gothel and would be associating their characters with one another , and let me tell you something!It bothers the hell out of me,to this very day! Like...Don't get me wrong!I'm not going to pretend demeter hasn't made mistakes in regards to parenting persephone, and one thing she did have in common with gothel, was that she lied to her daughter about her identity(the whole fertility goddess jazz),that along with her keeping persephone sheltered, (though not nearly as much as mother gothel). and that IS something that she should be held accountable for!but...MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN GOD !!!DO YOU KNOW WHAT PERSON YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT MOTHER GOTHEL???you're talking about the woman that's outwardly been neglectful/ dismissive of her biological daughter cassandra, abandoned her,kidnapped another child for the sole purpose of leeching off said child's ability in order to keep herself young and beautiful again,NEVER genuinely felt love and affection towards her and NEVER let her have ANY connections to the outside world ,to the point that she was thrilled to touch grass!(this sounds kind of funny when you look at it through the modern definition of the phrase lol)Demeter always genuinely adored persephone with all her heart and always wanted to have a companion. Furthermore, given how the gods have constantly exploited young women within the comic's canon,it makes sense that she would be a bit more on the paranoid/protective side (not justifiable,but understandable nonetheless) to avoid her only child to be mistreated by a cruel,unjust system . Also, persephone wasn't COMPLETELY STRIPPED OUT OF COMMUNICATION WITH THE OUTSIDE WORLD,I'm tired of fans acting like flower nymphs, hermes and hecate weren't there to keep her company and given that scene where a younger kore is at a party with hera,I'd assume they still kept in touch with olympus to some extent.Overall, though similar in a few ways to gothel,demeter is ultimately a much more complex, sympathetic and loving character than she is.Hell,if demeter should be compared to any maternal figures in mainstream modern animated media , it should be alma from encanto and also ming lee from turning red, all of these women had noble, sympathetic intentions and loved their families dearly , all of them unintentionally ailienized their families and put quite a lot of pressure and expectations on them and also, all of these women had to deal with generational trauma!But nooo! Demeter is a selfish, narcissistic bitch that deserves to be mocked and get her s**t kicked in !

Phew, Sorry this was super long!I'd love to hear your thoughts about it, and if you wanted to respond, take your time for answering it as much as you want !

Goodbye🌸🌺👋🏻👋🏻

hi hi! everything’s pretty good, and I don’t mind long responses! they’re fun to read! but I once again agree with all of your points. I’ve seen dozens of comments get mad at Demeter because they think she’s going to use Persephone as an item, honestly if anyones going to use Persephone as an item it’s going to be Hades. he’s only ever wanted a wife because his brothers had one, which is why he wanted to pressure Minthe into marrying him even though she told him multiple times how she didn’t want to. I feel like Persephone is only supposed to be there to prove something, she’s only there as an accessory so that Hades won’t be alone and he can be more like his brothers, that’s what their relationship is giving. I just don’t understand why people would think that anyways, when has Demeter ever used Persephone as an item? she clearly loves Persephone and wants the best for her, which is why she wanted her to go to Olympus to study. not flirt around with Hades to the point that she basically dropped out of school, like honestly everyone was just fine with that? leaving all of your ambitions and your friends behind just for someone you met a few weeks ago? Demeter was just supposed sit around and let it happen? genuinely if any one of those fans had a daughter and they were in that situation they would’ve never wanted her to be with him. also, i’m glad you brought up the communication thing because Demeter did not completely isolate Persephone from everyone, we know that she had dozens of nymphs for company and other gods (like hermes, hecate, and artemis) as company as well so it’s not like she was locked up in some island with no one, she wanted to branch out and do her own thing which is fine but Demeter has seen first hand just how predatory and exploitive the kings can be. that’s literally the main reason why she didn’t want to be in Olympus like honestly think about it. I’ve been commenting in so many comment sections that are just filled with people taking Hades’ side and saying how she deserved it and good on him and it’s just filling me with so much unbridled rage because these people are not understanding that Hades is the one who deserved it, he treats all of his staff like absolute shit and he’s never once apologized for it. why is everything he does “hot”? that’s so stupid if you really idolize a person so terrible that you’re willing to embarrass yourself on his behalf I think it’s time for you to do some real self reflection and figure out why you enjoy him being an asshole so much. I’m so sick of this whole “guy was asshole till he meets girl, girl changes guy but only asshole to everyone else”, it’s the dumbest and most toxic trope ever. take it from me, as someone who’s friends with a girl whose boyfriend literally insulted and discriminated me and my friends to point that we had to confront them both just for her to tell us that he’s changed and he’s not like that, it will indeed chase people away from you. no one wants to be around a person who’s a jerk only because you’re not the person they’re with, like we learned this in kindergarten use the damn golden rule because in the long run you’re only going to isolate your loved one and keep their friends at bay if you continue to just be an absolute dickhead towards everyone. there’s so many people who project when it comes to Demeter, they say things like Demeter abused Persephone and how she’s just such a terrible character all while stanning literally all the actual problematic characters. stop being delusional and a hypocrite those are two very bad combinations, pick one. and the mother gothel comparison, well you’ve said everything I was going to say and I agree that Demeter is a very sympathetic motherly figure, she’s raised hundreds maybe even thousands of nymphs so everyone saying she isn’t a good mother is absolutely invalid because she’s basically the mother of the land, she provides love shelter and care for everyone even guests (as seen with Hades’ bitch ass when he decided to get wasted in the mortal realm) while they’re in her care.

[kyunsies]

Bilingual 🌻 anon here

I hope you're feeling better 💕

I think I tend to think too much in the future about a lot of things lol

Especially when it comes to having kids (ideally I'd want 3-5 but however many I have I want to love them very much and hope that they can confide in me with anything)

But I'm afraid of a lot of things especially bc of some traumas I've gone through (I won't go into detail I'll just leave it at that). I'm afraid of projecting that trauma on to them unintentionally (and I know what that's like) or belittling/diminishing their feelings by saying I've gone through worse (instead of listening to their kids and trying to understand them) and those things hurt a lot.

Especially when all you want from your parents is for them to understand you, you know?

I feel like those things are so scary, and then if it comes down to getting married and everything, I don't want a man that will belittle or diminish my feelings bc for sure I'll leave him in two seconds flat.

I feel like maybe that's why I feel like I'm emotionally stunted in that sense (of course therapy can help but it's a lot of money smh)

Sometimes, I feel like a black sheep bc the way I feel that the way I process things is different compared to the normal person (considering I have ADHD lol).............. it's so crazy how life experiences can really impact you immensely

I hope that wasn't too much ranting 😬

Sending you hugs 🤗❤

hi bubbie !! i hope u are having a nice day so far <3 if u don't mind, i'm not going to put my answer under a "read more" since i think this is actually really important to talk about (as a woman in her young 20s lol) so i'm going to roll up my sleeves and answer as much as i can <3

i think women think a lot about the future !! obviously everyone does no matter what stage they are in their life lol but i feel that u are someone like me in that i am running out of time for a lot of things .... do u feel this way too? i think about it all the time :( i have seen quite a few ppl say they don't want children and honestly i don't blame them !!! having children is a HUGE responsibility and it's daunting to think about !! some ppl want to adopt and i think that's a wonderful idea as well <3 some ppl just don't want children and would rather create a wholesome life for themselves, and i think that's perfectly fine too :) i will give u a little background: i have 3 aunts along with my mom, 2 of them have 3 children and the other aunt has 2 ... i basically raised 5 of them while the other 3 acted like my older siblings <3 i have been around children enough where i absolutely would love to have children of my own, to call my own ;____; and that's a choice !! i think anyone who wishes to take on a parent role will have these thoughts, and i think that's okay :') i often ask my mom "where u scared when u found out u were pregnant" and she said she was more happy than scared ..... but i honestly think that happiness only comes after the initial shock u know? she was so excited to see how her tummy grew each day and wondered how well i would be developing as her pregnancy went on ; i also think it's normal to feel like we will never be good enough as parents bc we will only want what's best for our bubs....... and although maybe u don't want to invalidate them, you will be able to steer them in the best direction possible bc of everything you have conquered right? this is just my thinking LOL ... we all have our traumas, some worse than others and we would never want that for our children so i think naturally you will steer ur children in the right direction <3

now in terms of getting married there are a lot of different opinions out there, each valid for their own reason !!! i agree with u that i would like to be married too <3 i am always wondering when i will start dating and i know that sounds so embarrassing ......... like i'm still in high school or something stupid like that ....... i've never dated i've never kissed anyone i'm pretty sure no one has even looked in my direction lol but i think it's bc i don't put myself out there much :( honestly i'm afraid but i want to be loved, i want to love someone more than myself, i think sharing that with someone is really lovely . idk if it's bc i don't have any confidence in myself to make the first move and initiate anything; i don't go out and party/drink; i'm not a confident gal so i often wonder "i'm wasting time, i'll never be married or meet anyone, i'll never have children of my own if i don't do something soon" ....... will i end up taking fate into my own hands and meet someone ? idk !

what i'm trying to say is that u are definitely not alone in these thoughts angel <3 for me, i think u think a lot about these things bc u care and that will make u even more caring as a parental figure if u decide u want children in your future <3 and i think it's a life journey to reflect and work out our past traumas, no matter how terribly they may haunt us, right? we owe that to ourselves, don't u think? :) these are really big decisions we face in the future, but i think, i'm hoping that we will all do what feels right for anything we face <3

i hope this was able to bring you some comfort love !!! i think about this stuff all the time about being a good parent, being a good partner, if i ever will find love in this life, will my past experiences affect how i love in the future; i want u to know i am here and i understand <3

[thistherapylife]

Hi, I also grew up with an untreated BPD parent. I want to be a counselor but my trauma kind of worries me. This may be personal, but were you in therapy for a while to work through that? You don't have to answer. Also do you have any advice about it? Thanks! Also, love your blog

Heads up - this ask response may be a little hard for folks with BPD to read. It may not. Treat yourself gently. Let me be clear I’m talking about untreated BPD. Suicide/self harm/abuse mentions. This is my personal experience. It’s also the longest answer I’ve ever given so I’m pretty sure that no one will read it!

—-

Hey! Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad you enjoy your this blog! It’s really lovely to hear that people like my ramblings. 

You can absolutely be a therapist or a counselor coming from an abusive household or one with major mental illness. There are a lot of us out there. But it means that you need to do some heavy ass work on yourself so that you don’t harm your clients unintentionally. It’s actually good sign that you are concerned about the impact that your history may have.

Having an untreated BPD parent can make for a confusing and disorienting childhood. A lot of the things you are supposed to learn from your parent (in my case my mom) you end not learning because they haven’t learned those skills. My childhood was chaotic and abusive. My mom would do things like get mad at me and leave me place (the grocery store, the bookstore, etc.) from the age of 4 or so, then come back hours later stating that I had “wandered off.” She would tell me things hadn’t happened that had or vice versa. She would say I was overreacting when I was in pain from a chronic illness that she refused (and continues to refuse) to believe was real. Any emotion on my part or expression of desire was taken as an attack on her. She sent me to a really unethical therapist who would disclose what I shared in session so I learned to never share anything and shut it down (hiding a book in the bathroom of her office didn’t hurt). It wasn’t as bad when I was really young because there wasn’t any differentiation or individualization. She began telling me that she was going to kill herself and it was my fault in late elementary school after a supposed slight or rejection. This is the tip of the iceberg really. My way of coping with this was to internalize - everything really was my fault, I really was that horrible and to dissociate  - because that looked like compliance. Become quiet and small and maybe, maybe, I wouldn’t set her off. By the time I was in my teens, I was hospitalized for both suicidality, self-harm and an eating disorder. My treatment team and my custodial parent, along with the courts, decided to bar my mother access to me until I was 18 or unless I initiated contact. 

I was lucky. My other parent had been in therapy, was loving and supportive, consistent and stable, and got to me to all the therapy/psychiatry/doctor/nutritionist appointments that needed. They were able to coordinate with the school to make sure that I was still was able to graduate. I needed those years to grieve for the mom I didn’t have that everyone else seemed to. You may need to do this too. I also had to figure out what the fuck to do with these emotions. I was so angry and hurt all the time. I was so sad and overwhelmed. And I never got that attachment/attunement handbook that you are supposed to get from your parents when I was young so I had to figure it with my other parent, my therapist and my friends. The damage done by my mom (in addition to some other trauma) took my childhood and most of my adolescence so it makes sense that it will take some time to repair. I’ve noticed that most members of our dubious club end up in therapy intermentially. It’ll be important when you first seeing clients so you can see where your stuff pops up.

Now, you’ve made it this far and may you think fuck that sounds like a lot. I promise it’s doable - not necessarily easy but doable. When I went to graduate school, I went thinking I didn’t want to work with anything BPD related. Or teen related. Because I thought it would bring up too much counter transference stuff. It did bring up stuff but it wasn’t too much. I notice it most when I’m working with traumatized teen whose parent is obviously untreated personality disorder. I run the risk of over identification with the client or just unreasonable dislike of the parent. If the parent is involved and CPS has decided they aren’t a danger (whether or not I agree), you gotta work with the parent a little bit because being angry with parent won’t serve the client. I’ve told clients before - don’t mistake my desire for you to get appropriate care and treatment for a lack of anger or outrage that you were/are treated like this but my angry won’t serve you here. Because it won’t. You are going to have to learn what things upset you or that you struggle with. 

BUT you may have some skills in childhood that will work really well for you as a therapist. I’m really good at reading people and engaging emotions, because that skill was necessary to my survival. I can tell when a client will escalate and will usually be able de-escalate if we have an established relationship, because I used to have to manage my mom’s moods. I’m very good at boundaries because I need/ed them with my mom. I know how scary it is not to know what’s going on, so I am clear and explain what’s going on to my clients, checking in to gauge understanding and adapting to their feedback. Some therapists (especially newer ones) can have trouble separating themselves and the client’s outcome or feel bad when a client isn’t doing well. I don’t.  It’s what I love about therapy - it’s not about me. I’m super interested in knowing if something in the therapy is not working but clients are going to do their own thing. They are going to get mad at you or feel love or lust or like they want you to be their parent. But I don’t freak out about it. I deal with it appropriately, in session. Because I have a very defined sense of self that is outside of my identity as a therapist. 

I’m also very hard to read a lot of the time in session - pleasant, interested and engaged but my emotions, my countertransference are pretty hidden (another skill learned in childhood). It gives me so much versatility - I can really weigh whether or not modeling or expression emotion will help the client; whether what just happened in session needs to stop (most common - the case with language directed towards me) because it’s inappropriate or if we just need to talk about it; I can assess whether it’s my stuff coming up or not. Most importantly for the work I do? That neutrality makes me VERY calm in crisis situations. The client has big emotions? Okay. I’m not going to lose my shit. Client is dissociative? Okay. I can contain them. If it’s really intense, in the moment, I am calm and supportive, non excitable and enforce good boundaries and safety. If I’m going to freak the fuck out, it’s not going to be in the room. I may lose my shit in the car ride home or on the phone with my supervisor or with my partner. But if I did that in the room, it would be so unsafe for the client. Most of them have never had the experience of being well held in their emotions and I have that on lockdown. 

My experience prior to graduate school was that having BPD meant that you were going to be dangerous to me. That a relationship with someone with BPD would be intrinsically harmful for me. It’s not true though. I need boundaries sure. But people are people. You don’t develop BPD for a good laugh. It is birthed from survival and pain. And I can appreciate it and see that living with BPD is so fucking hard. And the people who are coming to my office for help, are struggling and in pain. I can see that in a way I never have been able to before. Interacting with people getting treatment for BPD and reading some of the stuff on tumblr has given me a much more nuanced, more adult view. So now I have empathy for what my mom experienced that meant she ended up the way she did. I’m sorry whatever happened, happened to her. 

But I can also hold that she was abusive, but not all people with BPD are. I have compassion the self that held a childish view of BPD = abusive because it was keeping me alive but that no longer serves me. I know it’s a distortion based on my history.  I also don’t want a relationship with her because she is toxic and will continue to be toxic if I let her into my life. We have transactional relationship around a specific series of issues that we’ll be managing until everyone is involved is an adult. I don’t have feelings towards her - I don’t feel affection or safety. When I’m scared or sad, I don’t want to call her. I didn’t tell her that I was having a major surgery until 30 minutes pre-op, because I knew that I didn’t want to deal with fall out if I didn’t. I called my other parent, my step dad and my partner when I was freaking out before surgery. I don’t feel anger anymore most of the time towards. I’ve been able to mitigate her damaging effect on other. I have a number of “moms” and mentors in my life to fill that role. I struggle with the idea that she’s a “bad person,” because I know she developed these skills to live. But I can see how my childhood/adolescence abuse put me in a position where I was victimized by others.  But I also know that she was abusive and I will not allow to happen to me anymore.

TLDR; yes you can. Go to therapy. Figure out what shit is going to come up for you. Don’t be surprised when it does and take care of yourself with your friends/family or therapist/supervisor/mentor. Journal or find your own way to explore your patterns. Learn to cultivate a diversity of relationships. Remember you can ask for help and not be ashamed about it. It’s possible. I promise. If you do the work. If you have any more specific questions - hit me up off anon.