#dont drink after a massive blood draw

[lightyaoigami]

:P

[danadriel]

"We vampires all have our little quirks when it comes to feeding,but Danadriel in particular has a questionable taste for victims...she may drink all sorts of blood but her favourite is the blood from pregnant mothers, she loves it...she NEEDS it! for a mortal this may sound particularly heinous, and among vampires is not much different...because vampires are massive hypocrites! even among posh and rich vampire clans the consumption of children blood is widespread...but for some reason pregnant mothers are considered off bounds, each group of vampire invents their own bullshit reason for it but the one I most heard is that when a woman is pregnant her blood becomes filthy, others say its wrong because it interferes with the reproduction cicle of mortal groups and blablabla. Regardless of these arbitrary rules Danadriel's apetite rages on, whenever we reach a new location and she has free time she begins to scout looking for mothers with big bellies, she may be a little incompetent for other activities in our caravan but she surely can track expecting mothers like a bloodhound, nothing scapes her eyes and her nose! Once she finds a suitable prey she usually waits for their sleep time to attack, then its the usual, she uses her magic to pick the locks of the victim's house and quietly sneak in to have her treat, sometimes we also go with her to feed on the other people in the house, its like a family dinner! Me and Tabitha are more pragmatic, we bite,we drink,we leave...meanwhile Danadriel likes to savour the blood slowly and apreciate every single drop, its not uncomom for her to latch on a pregnant victim for like 3 hours...frankly its quite annoying, but she is our boss so we tolerate it, also when she is well fed with her mommy juice she gets so much more agreable, normaly Danadriel is cranky and moody, but give her few drops of mommy blood and she becomes another person!we have this theory that she secrets desire to be a mother and the blood helps her to appease it, but none of us want to have this conversation with her... Her fame as a predator of mothers is so widespread even mortals know about it, mortals and vampires alike nicknamed her "The Mommy Muncher" I find it hilarious but she hates it, she became a bogeyman for future mothers all over the kingdom, I heard in big cities they are puting garlic crowns around maternity yards to ward off possible vampires! people tell horrific stories about how she rips the babies out of the mothers belly to drink their blood and so on...thats absolute bullshit, I've spend 50 years of my mortal life hunting vampires, I've seem what the really nasty vampires are capable of and Danadriel is nowhere near them in the espectrum, she never killed any of the mothers she bit, she dont have the guts to be this cruel even if she wanted. While we are ok with her diet, a lot of other vampires aren't, so it's not uncommon for us to get in trouble because of her,sometimes they just tease her, other times they straight up attack her, several times she just survived because me and Tabitha intervened...turns out we are even better vampires hunters after we became vampires ourselves! hehehe...some may see this as other vampires trying to have the moral highground, but I can see what it actually are, Danadriel used to be a Baroness, the wife of one of the most powerful vampires in the world, now she is destitute and powerless, alot of people wanna keep her that way, this has nothing to do with poor mommies being hurt, its just a very smart and unfair smearing campaing....but still "Mommy Muncher" is very funny." (Grey)

I had a lot of fun drawing this one, but I think I will stop with the streak of pregnant mothers being "mistreated", because I'm not this kind of artist and I don't want to attract a public that appreciates mothers suffering.

[laboflove]

Megumi x FR

•Megumi aged up•

Megumi X Cheerleader

❗Warnings❗{Smut, degradation, hard dom, dacryphilia, spanking, drinking}

A/N: Megumi thinks you're pretty much an airhead since you're a cheerleader so he tries to take advantage of that but ends up falling for you

Your body drops letting him see those tight safety shorts all the cheerleaders wore, it's like you were all made for slutty clothes. It was pretty hot but for some reason he never looked at the other girls, only at you. It was probably because you werent like the others, you were so naive, so innocent and such an airhead. It was fun teasing you, making fun of you for getting simple answers wrong and tugging at your skirt even though you hated it.

"Megumi" he looks up seeing your bright eyes and large smile, "Hey" he says with a nod as you sit down in front of him, "so whatre you doing here?" You ask while opening a bottle of water. "You left this at class" he shows you a white book covered in stickers making you blush beet red. "G-give it!" You rush to grab it but he pulls it back, wrapping his arm around your waist.

So close! Megumi was super good looking! One of the hottest guys at the campus in fact but this wasnt important. "Give it Megumi" you say but he doesnt, only holding you down with a smirk. "I was being nice but now I'm kinda curious" and worry fills your mind. "D-dont" you say but he opens it and looks through the pages.

"What's this?" He asks as he looks through the pages filled with notes and drawings of buildings with measurements, but arent you in arts? He notices you looking away, you gave up? That's weird, you never gave up. "Dont worry about it, its nothing" you say while taking the book back and grabbing your stuff. "See you later" you leave making him shocked, so personal things like that make you pissed? How fun.

"C'mon" his fingers graze against your thigh making you curl up, "Leave me alone" you whisper, your hand pressing against his chest. "Why? You're always flirting with Megumi so why cant I?", "I-I dont flirt with him" you mutter feeling your blood boil. You talked to Megumi yeah, but it was because he was always being a dick or when you needed help with assignments but that was it. "Hey" both of your heads turn and the guy is sent flying across the hall.

"M-megumi" he looks at you with a look hes never given before, worry, "Are you okay?" He asks in a softer voice too. Is he okay? "I'm fine" you whisper, fixing your bag and taking your sweater out of it to wrap around your waist. "What the fuck Megumi" he hears from on the ground, "I may be a douchebag but I'd never touch a girl if she didnt want it" he says then grabs your wrist, pulling you down the hallway. Uh oh.

"You're so fucking stupid" he says as he pushes you into an empty classroom, "So fucking naive and you cant even stick up for yourself" you look down at the floor but he tilts your face up, grabbing your cheeks hard to make you look into his eyes. "When something like that happens do anything to stop it, because if you dont, bad shit will happen and I'm not alw-" he stops but you both know the end of that sentence making you blush a soft pink.

"I'm sorry" you whisper and as your phone buzzes you pull away, "Thank you, if you're still here by six maybe I can take you to eat somewhere" you leave in a rush as he looks at his hand. Hes getting too close, way too close.

You dance to the blaring music, holding a plastic red cup in your hand filled with who knows what. He watches your body move, holding a bottle of beer and listening to Yuji ramble about girls and which ones hed like to sleep with but it was Yuji, he never got any girls unless Sukuna was taking over his body.

"But my first one would have to be Y/N, I mean just look at her, shes got an amazing body and I'd love to hear her scream my name" he clenches the bottle tight feeling his anger build up, almost overflowing but he calms himself down. "Eh, shes not that special, total airhead" he says then leaves to a different room, Yuji could do whatever he wanted, it didn't matter because he didnt like you that way and never would.

He watches as he walks up to you and suddenly hes walking towards you as well. Your eyes glance back slightly shocked as arms slowly wrap around you but your widened eyes soften. "Megumi" he smiles hearing his name come out of your mouth, "Hey Beautiful" and you blush, you've been told it often but the way he said it sounded so meaningful and honestly it was the first time you've ever liked being told it.

Time passes as you both dance and talk, giggles filling whatever silence there is and soon enough you and him are drunk, muttering things into each others ears, sitting on his lap, his hands holding your skirt down to make sure no one sees anything and your arms wrapped around his neck. "Why're you so pretty?" He whispers as he leans into your lips, barely touching them making you slightly mad. You wanted to kiss him but he wouldnt get close enough, wouldnt let you get close enough too and you could feel your need building up.

"You want to kiss me?" he whispers into your ear and you drunkenly nod with a small giggle. "So drunk arent you" you lean into his lips but he stops you, "Gimme a kiss" you mumble but he shakes his head.

"Sorry Princess but you're incredibly drunk and I cant just do that to you" he says, trying to make you feel better but all you do is grumble and whine. You were worked up, he had a massive boner and it got you horny too and all you wanted was to please him.

"Your place or mine?" He asks after some time of walking but finds you asleep, "I guess mine" he says then heads to his.

You nuzzle into his chest as his arms wrap around your body, "Megumi" he looks down but you're still asleep making him smile. You looked so peaceful but the shared smell of liquor was making it less comforting. Maybe he should wake you, it wouldnt be good to sleep like this. But then again you didnt have any clothes and you needed to sleep.

You turn around and his slightly intoxicated self heightens the feeling of you pressed right up against him. He whispers your name into your ear, making your eyes open slightly, "Hm" you hum out, you start sobering up and he whispers something into your ear making you turn red.

"P-pervert" he chuckles as his hand rub your side, you were soft but goosebumps were forming which was cute. So shy and so innocent now that you're sobering up. His eyes close again feeling sleep take over him but your grinding against his crotch keeps him from it. "Stop it" he says but you dont, "Play with me" you mumble and as his hand runs up your body you expect him to tilt your face to kiss you but instead his hand wraps around your neck, grabbing it with a bit of force eliciting a gasp from you.

"Take your clothes off, say Red to stop" he mutters in a lower tone and you nod fast, he sounded irritated and you didnt want to make him angry. Once your clothes are off you look back, turning red, seeing him naked as well with only his hipbone and down covered. He smirks seeing your eyes take in the sight, you knew he worked out but you didnt know he was this strong.

"Want a kiss now?" You nod fast as your eyes shine and he smiles, "Take it then" you rush to kiss him making him chuckle at your eagerness, he pulls you onto his lap, looking up at you slightly as his hands rest on your backside, grinding you against him slowly. Tiny, soft moans escape your mouth feeling his hardness rub between your folds, "Megumi" you whine out into his neck.

"I have con-", "No, want you" his mouth goes dry and he lifts you slightly, "You want me?" He asks earning fast nods. "Like this?" A gasp fills the room as he pushes in a single finger, "N-no, want you" he chuckles against your neck thinking of endless ways to tease you but the main thing he wants is for you to beg so, he doesnt remove his finger, he pushes it in and out slowly, not doing anything only making you angry.

"Please" he leans into your ear and bites it slightly, "What do you want?" You shake your head earning a spank. "Tell me" he says but you shake your head again earning another one making you hiss and whine. "Please Megu- ah!" You cover your mouth as he delivers another spank but it's harder this time.

The process goes on, him asking to barely receive an answer and none are what he wants, he sighs then pulls your hair back as you softly cry, "One last chance" he growls out slightly, "Y-your cock, please" he pulls you down onto him making you whine and sob into his neck.

"Such a naughty girl arent you?" He asks as he guides you on him, you felt like actual Heaven, your insides were nice and tight, warm and you were sucking him in so nicely. You nod as tears fall down your face making him twitch, "Fuck me, you're so perfect" he growls into your ear, insults coming after of him telling you how needy you were, that you were just a hole to him, a cumdump, something to use making more tears fall down your face but you loved it, something about being put down like this made it feel so good.

You move your hips to his movements feeling yourself about to break and as it's about to crash he keeps you still. "Try to come without me again and I wont be very nice", "Sorry" you whisper, leaning into him more, feeling soft, mushy and needy.

You both go again and the insults slowly turn into compliments, he moans as you clench around him and you whimper, "Come" he says and your body shakes, immediately at his demand. He thrusts up into you hard making you sob out into the room, "Shh Baby, I've got you" he whispers, hands rubbing your back, pulling you as close as possible and leaving soft kisses on your head.

"So perfect for me, such a good girl. Everything I said isnt true, okay?" You nod with soft cries and he kisses you softly, too rough for the first time and definitely not the right time but you were both definitely sober by now. "I love you" he suddenly says making you stop crying, "I love you too" and he stands. He always said hed never date, especially with someone like you but here he is, confessing his love for you and needing you more than ever.

[isamijoo]

All Angles

Title: All Angles

Author: isamijoo

Rating: Teen and Above

Pairing: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter

Tags: Artist!Harry, Domesticity, Fluff, Established Relationship, EWE

Word Count: ~900

Summary: Harry was commissioned to draw a painting, but he had trouble deciding what to draw. To combat his block, he started sketching Draco doing mundane things around the house.

Notes: Written for @amortentiaboys for the Wheel of Drarry Mini Exchange over at the Drarry Microfic Madness Discord Server. It is an honour to write for you! Thank you for everything you’ve done for the community! I tried to incorporate ‘Harry with a creative career’ with Fluff and Domesticity. I hope you enjoy my humble gift.

Thank you to @curlyy-hair-dont-care for the lovely beta work!

Read on AO3

Or Keep Reading:

~*~*~

When St Mungo’s commissioned a painting for their new maternity wing, they were purposely vague with their request. “Something beautiful,” the Director had said when she authorised the money transfer to Harry’s Gringotts account. “We would be honoured to display any artwork by The Saviour of the Wizarding World himself.”

So, no pressure.

Harry spent the rest of the day staring at his canvas, his mind just as blank. He only escaped the deep despair of his creative block when Kreacher appeared with a crack and informed him dinner was ready.

When he entered the dining room, Draco was already seated and sipping from a wine glass. Despite having been a permanent resident of Grimmauld Place for a few months now, he still dressed as though he was a dinner guest, in his immaculate dark shirt, grey waistcoat and crisp trousers, with his perfect white-blonde hair and fair skin.

He was beautiful.

Draco smiled when Harry took a seat at the head of the table. While they ate, Draco told him about his day; he had discovered that salamander’s blood interacted strongly with poppy seeds extract and the resulting fumes from the explosion could peel paint off walls. “Thank Merlin I had my Protective Suit on,” he said with a chuckle. As he continued sharing his Potions Mastery stories, Harry found himself unable to look away.

After the war trials, Harry had put in a lot of work to woo Draco, to convince him to open up to him and love him back. It took a few years, many conversations and fights, a lot of forgiveness and sex, but eventually they reached a point where they chose to be with each other simply because they both wanted to.

After dinner, Draco sat on the living room couch, legs crossed as he lazily flipped through a Quidditch magazine. Harry joined him, taking the opportunity to drink in the sight of Draco, the sway of his hair, the sharpness of his jaw, his long limbs and nimble fingers.

Since becoming an artist, Harry had learned to memorize the things he saw quickly, so he could easily store an image in his head and draw it later.

At night, long after Draco had fallen asleep, Harry put on his spectacles, took out a sketchbook from the bedside table drawer and started drawing.

/

It became a new habit. While the canvas remained free of paint, his sketchbook quickly filled up with sketches of Draco doing random things: reading, talking, studying, cooking, making potions, writing, shopping. There were also several of him playing with Teddy. The latest one was him carrying Teddy as the three of them had a stroll around Muggle London.

The deadline was approaching fast. 

While Harry stressed over this in his workroom, he heard a knock on the door.

"You're back early," he noted, pleased to see Draco as he summoned a stool and sat next to him.

Draco smirked. "I finished my paper early and handed it in before everyone else," he said proudly, glancing at Harry's blank canvas. "Having trouble with the St Mungo’s commission?"

"Yeah," said Harry sheepishly. "They wanted 'something beautiful' and I can't decide what to draw."

Draco nodded, understanding. "What have you been doing instead?"

After a moment of hesitation, Harry showed Draco his sketchbook. His pale face slowly turned red the more pages he went through. Harry hadn't drawn anything too intimate, but the act of drawing the same person repeatedly over a span of weeks had enough intimacy in itself that Harry would have felt exposed if he had shown it to anyone else.

Draco paused at the latest sketch. He turned the book around and asked, "When was this?" 

It was the last drawing, a two-page spread; one page had Draco with Teddy wrapped around his torso and the boy's small blue-haired head resting on his shoulder as he dozed. Harry had been walking behind them, so Draco’s face was not visible in the drawing, only his hair, shoulders and back. Harry had roughly drawn the background too, outlines of the observation wheel, the nearby buildings, the bridge and the river, which spilled into the second page.

"When we took Teddy out last weekend."

Draco returned the book to Harry with the page still open. "I think this looks beautiful enough for your painting."

"I'm not going to sell a painting of you and Teddy to other people," Harry protested.

Draco stood up and kissed his forehead. "On top of being an artist, you're also a brilliant wizard. The size of your canvas doesn't limit you."

After Draco left, Harry stared at his square canvas. Then he got off his stool, took several steps back and made the canvas grow into a rectangle so large, the top edge almost reached the ceiling. He levitated the sketchbook and began to work on his paints.

/

The new maternity wing of St Mungo’s began operations and opened to the public a month after Harry completed his painting. It was massive and heavy; he helped levitate it as the staff cast Modified Sticking Charms. The painting showed the London Eye, majestic beside the River Thames and against the clear blue sky.

The other half of the painting was displayed in Grimmauld Place’s living room. If one looked at it long enough, one could see the younger boy's hair colour changing ever so often.

[anastasiaskarsgard]

Meeting Roman Godfrey

Chapter 2

Warning: cursing.

Author notes: establishing these two dynamic. The calm before the storm if you will. Lol.

“I can honestly say that I’m jealous.” Roman mumbled as he stared in wonder at myr Uncles’ home. Walking around touching the original furnishings, and admiring the extensive art collection that was everywhere you looked, in some form or another.

My uncles home had been designed by famous architect frank lloyd wright and was dramatically built on top of a waterfall, giving it the suitable name of “Falling Water”. It was as famous for its genius design, as it was for being owned by a reclusive antisocial billionaire that didn’t allow journalists, photographers, architects or anyone for that matter near the home, let alone photograph it.

I think, the waterfall is annoying,the kitchen impractical,pretty much had no storage space, was constantly in need of some major renovation or repair, and was as close to living in a fish bowl you could get. I’d never admit any of those things out loud, because it truly was beautiful, but deep down I hated living in the famous home.

“I’m just shocked you drove all the way out here. I figured for sure you’d see how far it was and be like pass.” I said trying to draw some attention from the home.

“He recognized the address.” I spun around to find my Uncle standing by one of the homes many staircases.”hello Godfrey. I bet you’re beside yourself to finally have a look inside.”

“Absolutely, sir. It’s an absolute honor to be in your home.” Roman said politely.

I looked at him incredulously. He was known for being a pain in the ass and a brat, but maybe he was just smart and chose his battles. My uncle was as famous for being an asshole as he was for being a genius, but it seemed as though they knew eachother. “So I guess you two know eachother?” i asked. 

“Since i can remember. your Uncle loves to tell me to go fuck myself on the regular. Well not since I tried to buy this house right before....” Romn trailed off as he seemed to get lost in some distant memory...

“What happened to your cousin Letha?” My uncle asked. Strange for him to even ask personal questions, let alone remember names (even if it was my name too)

“Uncle! It might be polite to ask him how he is first...” I huffed.

“I dont care about his emotional state. I care about how a perfectly strong healthy girl died so suddenly and then it just went away.” he analyzed Romans reaction, but there was none. my Uncle liked to test people.

“brain or blood vessel burst in child labor. I was there. So much blood... then she was gone.

“Uncle!!! Are you seriously...”

“No need to defend me Letha.” Roman interjected with a pleasant smile, “your Uncle is one of my favorite people.”

“Did I ever tell you how not just one, but two women ended up with your terrible name?” he asked me with one of his mischevious smiles. “in Greek it translates to forgetful, and considering you’re not forgetful in the least its ironic. Marie and your mother both hated Olivia, and bonded over that mutual hate. Marie was so taken by your others charms, she named Letha after you the following day.”

I looked over to Roman and he was staring into me. i glanced away to my Uncle, who was watching Roman wth a strange smile on his face. He was acting kind of strange, even for him. I’d better get Roman out of here before he hates me. 

“. Come on out here with me and we can chat you two. Letha grab me a ginger ale and get Roman a water since he’s driving.” my Uncle ordered.

I agreed and hurried to the kitchen and watched in curiosity as the two notoriously difficult business tycoons seemed to be enjoying one another  out on the terrace.

I hadn’t planned on inviting Roman in, but he had been so obviously enamored by the famous home, that i couldn’t refuse when he’d politely asked to see it. Normally a guy asking to see inside was a question with shady intentions, but the pure wonder on his face had proven otherwise.

Now i didn’t even know what to think about my Uncle being his version of kind to Roman. Uncle hated visitors. I wasn’t totally sure how much he liked me even. I felt like I was in some alternate reality 

I grabbed the drinks, put them on this fancy tray and carried them out to the terrace. It was just nearly dusk and this was one of the prettiest times to see the house, when it was all lit up like a lone lantern in the thick forest with the dramatic waterfalls, and otherworldly feel. 

It was kind of silly that the house was the view, instead of the house having a view. And ironically, the house was so hidden away on 1700 acres up a long winding road, behind a massive gate, with full time security, that nobody really ever got to view it.. Uncle has grown tired of people just showing up or seeing flashes in the woods, so he hired this crazy security company to keep everyone out and monitor all the borders. Hardly anyone ever made it thru now. It was private, but extremely isolated and lonely.

“I’m surprised you’d take interest in Letha.” My uncle said, eyes narrowing obviously oblivious I was right behind them. I held my breath and didn’t move a muscle. I wanted to hear this.

“Why? She’s a beautiful girl.” Roman chuckled.

My heart warmed and stomach fluttered a bit. OH HELL NO Letha. Keep that shit in check.Hes gorgeous, and tall, and sexy, and charmng, and smelled nice, and could hold his own with your uncle, but hes also famous for bedding every woman in his path.... 

“Frankly her breasts are too big for my taste, they seem like a handicap more than an asset, but that’s trivial and shallow. She’s too smart and she doesn’t listen for shit.”

“I had noticed that actually...” Roman said thoughtfully.

“Which part?”

“All of it.”

I cleared my throat, so I didnt hear anything else wrong with me. “Drinks guys.”

Roman hopped up to help me but I signaled him to sit, as I served them their beverages. I could feel his eyes on me, but was careful not to look at him and notice.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” My uncle said. I was gonna punch him in the face, hes such an ass! god I love him.

I burst out laughing and looked at Roman who was 3 shades redder and forcing an uncomfortable smile.He isnt that cool, he does get embarrassed, thats better.

My Uncle started to laugh but winced. “Ouch. Shit. Fucking neck.” He cursed as he was reminded laughing wasn’t allowed yet. He hardly ever did laugh so it wasn’t really an issue normally.

“You’re my favorite person in the world Uncle.” I meant it too. He’s always been there for me, and when I heard he’d hurt himself and may need my help, I dropped everything, hopped in my car and drove the nearly 3000 miles to his house.

It’d taken nearly a whole day to get permission to pass the guards. They were new and usually my uncle came to see me. I’d only been to this house one time when I had graduated high school more than a few years ago. With me going to University, my uncle no longer had to live in the city, so he came here.. Something about the house and town was unsettling to me.

“Well considering the competition, it’s not much of a compliment.” My uncle said dryly. “One day you two should compare notes and see which one of your mothers is the more despicable creature.”

“Is it ok if I take Roman on a little nature walk so he can see the house in all its glory?”

“Go ahead. I’m gonna go to sleep shortly but no hanky panky you two.” He said with a mischievous grin.

Now it was my turn to be red. I turned to Roman and he was already up by my side. I took his hand and walked to the floating stairs that led to the ground floor. I was sure to walk slowly so he could take in all the house had to offer.

“Beautiful.” Roman said under his breath.

“Oh my gosh I know! Can you believe they built this out in the middle of nowhere in 1935? Can you imagine? And it hasn’t been cheap or easy keeping it perfect like this. A few years ago they had to rip half the house apart and reinforce it because the terraces were sagging. Uncle spent like 11 million dollars that time on engineers and architects and materials. He was not letting it go, and I don’t even think the whole house is worth that, but when he likes something, not hell nor high water can change his mind.”

“I wasn’t talking about the house, although good to know.” He smiled at me almost shyly.

“Are you trying to be adorable? You aren’t shy, and yet you’re acting almost sweet.”

“You’re so weird. You just spit out whatever you’re thinking don’t you?” Roman challenged me. Super cocky confident Roman returning.

“Omg you’re a peacock. Look at you preening about, puffing up your chest.”

“A peacock? Really? What does that make you?”

I had to think about that for a moment.”I’d have to go with a honey badger I think.” I said.

Roman choked on his water. I pat him on the back, giving him a moment to catch his breath. “Why is that such a shock?”

“No reason.” He tried to look innocent but I could see thru his shit. “Why did you choose it?”

“Well I’m resourceful, fearless, I don’t listen, I prefer my own company, no one can keep me contained, and snakes don’t intimidate me.”

“Ya?” Roman got very close to me and wrapped his arms around me looking down through long lashes. He oozed sex appeal and I could see how all the girls fell all over him.

I reached up and booped his nose. “Boop.” I giggled hysterically at his facial expression.

“What was that?” He asked confusedly.

“Shut. The. Fuck. Up. No one has ever booped you in the nose? That’s crazy! You have the best looking nose I’ve ever seen.”

“I’ve never gotten that one.”

“Well that’s cuz most women are probably trying to be sexy and mysterious with you. theyre not being themselves. Boop. Ok last one. Sorry. I barely know you, I can’t go booping you all over the place on our first date, you’re a nice Christian boy...” I said sarcastically. I grabbed him by the hand and pulled him along the way. “We are almost there and it’s getting dark. We don’t wanna get eaten out here or have to kill something.”

i looked back and Roman was genuinely smiling. I felt warm all over, I looked t our hands intertwined and was puzzled with the feeeling i felt. i looked back at Roman and he was looking at our hands too...

We walked along in happy silence until we reached the rocks across the lake and waterfalls from the house. I was wearing Converse, but his dress shoes were proving to be less than nature friendly. We finally got up the slick stairs cut into the stone to reach the sitting area, after a lot of effort and laughs. They were the worst shoes for this environment ever.

Upon seeing the house, Roman audibly gasped. He took a few steps ahead and I just admired his profile and form. He really was beautiful. I knew he was going to kiss me before the night was thru. I knew better than to trust this boy, and I knew this was really stupid and I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I was completely enthralled and was going to see it through. I didnt half ass anything, and i wasnt going to start with him.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” Roman said playfully.

My eyes flashed at him trying to tell me what to do. I lowered my head and looked up at him thru my lashes with a sneer.

 “Hey hold on, that’s my trick! We can’t BOTH have intense sexy stares.” he walked over and casually grabbed me around the waist.

“Good thing mine is just evil then.” I said in my best creepy witch voice.

He burst out laughing, eyes shining. It was a genuine laugh. I could tell by the way he instantly tried to control it, that it didn’t happen often.He tried to be so intimidating and serious, but there was a warmth to him, just under the surface.

“You’re a nerd.” He said quietly. 

Oh boy here we go. He’s gonna try this again. My mind was running 1000 miles a minute as I tried to decide whether I was going to let this happen, when all of a sudden it was too late. His lips were on me as he pulled me into a deep embrace. If I was the type to get caught up in a moment, this would be that moment. He smelled amazing, and tasted so sweet. I felt gum in his mouth with my tongue and I snatched it. I pulled away victorious and mock screamed like a roaring crowd, jogging in a circle arms raised.

“You did not just steal my gum.” He beamed at me, chasing me and catching me in his arms before slipping and pulling me down on top of him, wincing at the impact. 

i hovered over him laughing hysterically. “grace and beauty,” i teased. “ No gum is safe when I’m around.” I grabbed his hand and dragged him to his feet and then back to the stairs. “Time to go on the date I have planned for us.”

His eyebrows shot up and he looked genuinely shocked. “You planned out a date?”

“I did. And I have a feeling, you’re going to love it giiiirrrlll!” We both were giggling like school kids as we made our way back to the house.

I looked up to see my Uncle watching us from his terrace, a worried look on his face. That was kind of odd, but this was Roman Godfrey for chrissake.

I obnoxiously kissed my hand with a big “muah!” And threw it at my uncle who ducked like he was really avoiding getting hit.

“You nearly got me that time.” He yelled down to me.

I laughed and waved goodbye as we walked around the house to Romans Mercedes G wagon.

“Do you know why this suv is so expensive?” I asked him.

“It’s a Mercedes.” He said rolling his eyes.

“Although that’s part of it, these are built by hand and take over 40 hours buy two master craftsman to build. They have all the top-of-the-line materials used as well as three locking differentials. It’s the only one in its class with that so it’s superior for off-road Ing especially with the all wheel drive. Add that with superior safety and brand reliability and you have a very expensive, amazing machine. And since you of course have the AMG, you have to add two more craftsman to its build to hand build its engine that’s a mechanical marvel in itself.”

“You know more about my car than me. “ he laughed.

“It’s no big deal, I just never forget something once I’ve read it.”

“Never? I understand your ironic name now”

“Nope. It’s a blessing and a curse. I get it from my Uncle I guess.”

“That’s impressive.” He said sincerely. “I better never lie to you.”

I looked at him and our eyes locked. We stood there eyes locked on one another, neither of us wanting to be the first to look away. A smile crept across his face and i did an exaggerated silly wink.

“You are full of surprises Ms. Letha... what is your last name? Same as your Uncle?

“Nope. My last name is Dahl although I’d love to change it. Not a fan of my father. 

“Oh? Family drama Letha Dahl?’

“You have no idea.” I winked and got in the passenger side before he could reach the door and open it for me. I watched him walk around to the drivers seat and stop to read a message and reply. He scanned thru his phone and slipped it in his pocket. He climbed in and pushed the button to start the car. I went to the navigation and entered the address of our destination and pressed start.

I looked out the window analyzing my thoughts and emotions with scientific precision, first identifying the particular emotions and then assessing where there root was, before filing them away as solved. This was how I regulated thoughts and feelings, so they never got the best of me but this time there were emotions, I had no name for and there was nothing logical about them. I’d dated and even had boyfriends, but I’d never been this absolutely enamored by a man. i felt .... God, what was it?

Roman Godfrey was way cooler than me, but I was smarter, but for the first time in my life, I wasn’t sure if that was an advantage. I had never let emotion take the wheel, but i almost wanted to. I wanted to be lost in this tragic gorgeous boy.

[fredheads]

excerpts from the same party

predictably, my free choice for day 8 is fred’s life falling apart 

i. 

“so she broke up with you to date hiram,” says fp in the black-and-white marble bathroom, bigger than fred’s kitchen - “and now she’s here with hiram, and you want to leave.”

“um… yeah.” fred replies, his response slowed somewhat by the marijuana in his lungs, the stretched-out feeling of being high. fp takes the blunt from his fingers and inhales long - he’s in the bathtub, dry, clothed, reclined like a queen or an emperor.

“the thing is, this is hiram’s house. so i’m thinking you could have forseen this.”

fred just stares at him. fp’s hair is glittering, like someone’s threaded fairy lights through it - the bathroom lights make a halo on his head, glowing through his curls like a supernova crown of thorns. his eyes are two shiny pools of black. it feels like they’re both naked.

“dude, you’re done,” says fp, and puts the roll back between his lips, doesn’t pass it back. fred’s on the counter, feet dangling. “no more for you.”

“i want to go home,” fred repeats uncertainly, suddenly hyper-focused on his red converse shoes, the laces loose on the left one, threatening to plummet off. the counter feels very high, and the black marble floor is easily mistaken for the endless void of outer space. he wonders how he’s breathing.

“we’re not going home when we just got here.” rhythm is a dancer is on the stereo outside, beating through the party like a heart. the heavy walls shiver. “it’s a big fucking house, you don’t have to see them.”

fred keeps staring at fp, fixated on every part of his face in turn. “do you think they’ve slept together?”

fp groans and lets his head fall back, hitting the tap. “dude, don’t do this.”

“do what?” asks fred and wiggles his ankle imperceptibly, lets his loose shoe fall and plummet to hit with a slap on the marble floor.

ii. 

“do you love me?” she asks, face bathed in purple light, and she looks like pictures of goddesses, roller-rink disco ball glow and purple cotton candy. fred wants to touch her, run the pads of his fingers along her velvet skin and wrap her glossy hair around his wrist, lick the sparkly lip gloss off her mouth. they’re in a corner of the dance floor and the music is louder than the blood in his head. the only part of his body that exists is his hands. he puts them on her hips, counts the teeth in the crescent-moon uptick of her smile. hiram’s hands have been there. his hands are not allowed there anymore but the smile says keep them and he does.

“yes,” he says reverently, her face is like a candle, pure and glowing with light. he touches her dark hair and her lips and feels dizzy, drinks from the smell of her, sugar and peach and mint. his stomach jumps.

“i bet you don’t even miss me,” hermione says nastily. “i bet you don’t even miss me a little.”

for some reason he can’t think of the right answer. his mouth tastes like vodka soda and his heart is beating in his wrists. her face is shimmering like a mirage in front of his eyes, far away from him and close up at the same time. he stares at her lips.

“do you love me more than you love him?” she asks.

fred’s mouth is very dry. “who?”

“him,” she says intensely, her shifting, pearlescent aura settling in a glow around her face and body.

“yes,” says fred, only because she hasn’t specified, which makes it easier to lie. then they’re kissing on the dance floor, his hands in her hair and her tongue on his teeth, just like it used to be. 

iii. 

“you don’t have to hold my hair,” he says as he’s heaving, penelope’s short nails raking it back from his scalp (she’s doing a shitty job anyway, there are long strands of hair hanging down at his ears into the toilet bowl, damp with sweat and vomit) - “you have a lot of it,” penelope replies dubiously and fred can’t think of an argument before he’s puking again, hot vodka mixed with old pizza, everything in his stomach.

he resurfaces into what seems like the brightest bathroom on earth - white walls, white floors, white porcelain, shining so brightly that he hides his eyes, ducks his head and stares at his jeans, the dark blotch of his body on the white landscape, counts the flecks of vomit on the white rim of the toilet. he squints to look at penelope who’s skin is washed out by the white, all except her puffy eyelids and nose, which are as red as her hair.

“hal and alice?” he asks, ears buzzing as his eyes adjust, the back of his neck slick with a quarter-inch layer of damp sweat. She juts her chin at him, looking too the worse for wear, her hair in disarray and the lipstick cracked on her raw lips. fresh tears threaten to spill over her eyes, the tear tracks on her cheeks black with mascara. he’s sure he looks no better.

“you saw hiram and hermione, i guess” she shoots back cooly, and then, kinder: “your nose is bleeding.”

he looks down at the white floor and a tiny drop of brilliant red hits the hem of his jeans. he groans and pinches it closed. “i puked too hard.” his voice is cartoonish with his nostrils sealed, his thumb and forefinger wet with blood.

penelope is putting hand sanitizer on her hands. he wonders about her missing glasses, if she has contacts in or has only been squinting. they’re both friendless in this bathroom, which makes them friends, which means he could ask. “i see you throw up at school,” she says.

“my stomach’s fucked up.”

“it’s called an eating disorder.”

“that’s not what it is,” he says, although he’s not sure.

his nose has stopped bleeding, he releases his fingers and she dumps hand sanitizer into his palm, holding the bottle from afar so that it doesn’t touch his skin. the alcohol burns in any little cuts on his skin, mixes with the fresh blood and turns it pink before it evaporates. “gum?” she asks, and he takes some gratefully, though he has a blister pack in his own jeans, flat from kneeling - penelope has the kind that comes in sticks, he pushes it soft around his sore mouth with his tongue.

“do you want to do shots with me and then dance?” he asks.

penelope thinks about it and seems to surprise herself more than anyone when she says yes.

iv. 

“you have to put ice on that,” tom says after hiram hits him, guiding fred quickly into the kitchen, the two of them leaving a trail of blood drops on the cashmere-soft carpet. “soon, or you’ll regret it tomorrow.” he busies himself at the massive freezer, rummaging for frozen vegetables, fred expects, which of course the lodges don’t buy. fred’s gaze lands on the remnants of drinks on the counter.

“pass me that bottle.”

“i’m not passing you that bottle.” tom replies, pulling a thick frozen steak in a wax-paper wrapper from the depths of the freezer and handing it to him. it oozes gluey blood onto fred’s wrist. “put this on your eye.”

their fingers brush when he hands it over, and fred thinks of yanking tom’s wrist toward him, biting it like a vampire, drawing blood. if fp wanted to be jealous he’d make him jealous.

“hiram’s a psycho,” he says, just to keep tom looking at him. “he boxes and hits people for fun.”

“it’s none of my business, but you were making out with his girlfriend.” tom’s avoiding his gaze, and fred’s heart sinks like a dark stone. “that’s why he hit you.”

“who told hiram?” fred asks, peeling the steak away from his eyes. tom grips his wrist and places it back. “it was fp, wasn’t it? go ahead, tell me. it was fp. i already know.”

tom looks away and up at the ceiling. “sixty days till graduation,” he says to himself. “that’s all.”

v. 

he stole a two-six of expensive vodka from hiram lodge’s kitchen and he empties half of it into sierra samuels’ red slushie, more than half to be nice, then dumps the rest into his green one. vodka all tastes the same mixed with icee but its smooth going down. they smash plastic cups together on the wet picnic table in the park and toast to graduation. he watches her lips wrap around the straw and thinks about roller rink dates, popcorn mixed with m&ms at the movies, the last time he kissed her. it’s past his curfew and the bugs are out. drunk food turned into convenience store food somewhere on their walk and there’s an empty bag of beef jerky between them that he doesn’t remember eating, only he must have, because sierra’s a vegetarian and she’s been talking so much he doesn’t think she’d have had time to chew.

“everyone thinks i have it all together but i dont,” is what she says now, and fred says he has nothing together too. sierra stares at the horizon and shakes in her blouse and he puts fps jacket around her to keep her warm. “it’s not fair we can’t love who we love,” she says and starts to cry, weeps on his shoulder with her hair in his mouth and he pats her head like a mother, his mouth too sweet and his lips stained green.

“it’s not fair for us,” she says, “it’s not fair, you and fp, me and tommy, that we can’t be together,” and fred says nothing because maybe if he doesn’t say anything she’ll think she made a mistake, that there was never anything between him and fp at all.

vi. 

“do you have a ride home?” mary asks after almost running him over, and of course he doesn’t, he’s wandering the street outside the party with his lip bleeding and one shoe missing, blood and snot streaming from his nose into his teeth. maybe she only asked as a courtesy because she doesn’t wait for him to answer, hauls him across the street and into her mother’s car, closes the door on him before he breaks down sobbing in her passenger seat.

“who’d you come with?” mary asks, watching him cry. there’s a pair of fluffy dice dangling from the rearview mirror.

“fp” he manages, through his tears and snot. mary stares at his black eye.

“and who hit you?”

“hiram.”

mary swears under her breath. “asshole,” she says. they roll slowly down the street at ten miles an hour, avoiding potholes. fred can’t look at her. it’s like trying to look at the sun. “fp just left you? i don’t believe that.”

“everyone left me.” the self pity tastes good, he rolls it around in his mouth, presses his tongue to the torn flap of it. he draws back into the seat when he recognizes the turn, panicked. “don’t take me home.” he’s too far past curfew for that, too far past wasted, half-covered in blood. “take me to gladys’. it’s okay,” he insists when mary hesitates. “i crash with her a lot.”

“okay,” says mary, “but i’m waking her up. i’m not just dropping you off somewhere if i don’t know you’re safe.”

it occurs to him later that it’s the nicest thing she’s ever said to him, and wholly undeserved.

vii. 

“i made you another mixtape,” he says in the morning, lips sticky with hangover, eyes crusted shut. gladys is awake beside him, eating a bag of chips, the duvet curled around them. he breathes in the familiar smell of sweat and cigarettes and feels safe.

“is it full of your pretty boy rock shit?” gladys asks.

“yeah.”

“okay, i’ll listen.” fred rolls over and she pulls him in against her, mashes his face to her stomach and lower boob. her voice is more smirk than sympathy. “how are you feeling?”

“eat shit,” says fred, whose bruised eye still stings. she’s wearing fp’s metallica shirt, the ME pressed to his cheek. his mouth and stomach are sour and hollow, his joints stiff and his neck screaming in pain. 

“i only ask because mary tossed you out of her car into my yard because you were throwing up bright green.”

“vodka slushies,” he explains weakly, though it feels like a different night entirely that they’d been on that picnic table, feels like the wrong answer. gladys runs her hands through his hair and scratches his scalp. he tries to be cheerful. “you should have come.”

“hiram lodge’s party? i’d rather put a pencil through my eye.”

fred remembers his shiner and lifts his head from her chest. “do i look like a badass?”

“no. you look like a pathetic loser who made out with his ex-girlfriend and had an awful night.” .

“your room is messy,” says fred. there’s a stack of laundry that looks like the leaning tower of pisa in front of his unbruised eye when he finally cracks it open - the duvet they’re sleeping in is covered in clothes and album sleeves.

“i’m gonna clean it. i went to the hardware store yesterday-”

“how butch of you.”

“shut up.” he can tell from her voice she’s smiling. “i’m going to paint it all black. you want to help?”

“your mom lets you?”

“yeah.”

“okay.”

“okay.” gladys curls a lock of his long hair around her finger and smooths it out.

“gladys, what are we going to do?” fred asks.

“you and me?”

“all of us.”

“we’re going to be fine,” says gladys, lying through her teeth. “we’re going to be just fine.”

[artificialqueens]

Alaska's Christmas Extravaganza ~ Hobnob

AN: You know, i love this time of year but people seem to really miss the true meaning of Christmas. I felt obliged to put it into context for the lovely folks at home. Lets have a look at some reviews shall we?

“The spelling was ok.”- Daily Mail

“There was a good attempt there.” -The Sunday Times

“I think i need to watch the show before getting any of this sweetie.” -My Mum

I hope Shangela reads this and finds the strength to win AS3~ Hobnob

–The scene sets in a small living room, adorned with various Christmas ornaments strung up around the mantlepiece. A crackling log fire fills the air with a certain smell akin to the time of year, and occasionally spits the odd ember onto the beige carpeted floor. An artificial tree in the far corner emits a low hum as it partially lights the dim room. Three individuals inhabit the area, sitting on a rather worn looking sofa whilst watching BBC news in ugly Christmas sweaters.–

Jinkx: Alaska you little shit.

Alaska: Hiee.

Jinkx: The nextdoor neighbours said you smothered their Christmas tree in faeces and ate their dog.

Alaska: (Gnawing at a bone) I can’t help it. Christmas is shit.

Jinkx: (Getting up and turning the telly off) You’re gonna have to go get it together before we go to my nans Christmas party on Saturday.

Alaska: If you make me go i’ll set her milky eyes on fire!

Jinkx: Jesus christ Alaska thats messed up.

Alaska: Yeah well you’re jewish. You don’t even celebrate Christmas.

Alaska: Christmas can suck my wang!!

Roxxxy: (Speaking up with a mouth full of mince pies #thickandjuicy) Sounds like you need…the spirit of Christmas.

Alaska: The spirit of Christmas?

Roxxxy: Didn’t you know? Legend says Shangela has the ability to grant unlimited holiday cheer with a single holy halleloo.

Alaska: Gay.

Roxxxy: (Sobbing, but continuing to eat) Its not gay Alaska!

Roxxxy: And you’d better find your Christmas cheer before Jinkxseses nans party.

Alaska: I don’t see it for me but ok.

Jinkx: I won’t have you ruining it like last year.

Alaska: Wasn’t that bad.

Roxxxy: You killed 5 salvation army workers with a decorative star.

Alaska: And I’d do it again!!!

Alaska: I couldn’t care less about that party. I don’t care for Christmas. Tiny Tim can contract ebola!!

Roxxxy: (Checking her casio sports watch) I’m late for the bus guys gtg. Bingo is in half an hour.

Alaska: Hmmmm…the spirit of Christmassssss🤔🤔🐍sssounds gay…

–Alaska gets up and walks to the window. The snowfall isn’t all that heavy as small flakes are illuminated by a street lamp with lewd drawings carved into the side. She could drive around to find the Shangela, except she owned a BMW, and rear wheel drive is shit in winter so she’d probably crash into some schoolboys on their way home.–

Alaska: Jinkx i need a lift.

Jinkx: I can’t, my cars in the shop.

Jinkx: you keyed the entirety of Aja’s Valentina speech on it last week.

–A shadowy figure in a Santa hat approaches the window and taps the glass with a skeletal finger.–

Ru: It’s me, God!

Ru: Wait.

Ru: It’s me, Rupaul!

Alaska: Rupaul? I thought Miss Fame set you on fire for eating meat?

Ru: (Neck rolling) My body is an illusion chiilde. My existence is merely a string of conscious decisions ive made prior to this mortal realm.

Alaska: Party.

Alaska: Please mawma. Help me find Shangela so I won’t be a cunt to my loved ones all the time.

Ru: Well…i suppose I’m all out of queens to block on twitter…

Ru: Aight lets make this quick, i have a bingo game in half an hour.

–They both get in Rupauls Toyota Camry and speed off whilst remaining under the speed limit. Road safety is important at this time of year as 70% of road collisions occur at Christmas.–

Alaska: (Shedding her skin) Where the bloody hell would Shangela be?

Ru: In todays maxi challenge, we’ll be traveling to the happiest place on earth!

Alaska: Lapland?

Ru: Close.

Ru: Scotland!

Alaska: Oh.

Alaska: (Hissing at the radio) Change the station rupaul this is making my ears bleed.

Ru: Oh? But this is the latest hit off my smashing Christmas album, ‘The beggining of the realness glamazonian peanut walk-the rumix.’

Alaska: Well turn it off. Its upsetting Jinkxes nan.

–The pair of them turn around to see Jinkxes nan having a Christmas seizure.–

Ru: If you don’t like it Alaska, get out. I don’t have to put up with tomfuckery. I’m God!

Ru: Wait.

Ru: No yes thats right.

–Alaska ejects the CD and throws it outside at a schoolboy. She takes a CD from her bra and pops it in as one of her many compelling songs begins to play.–

Alaska: Anus now available at your closest pound world.

Ru: Get out.

–Alaska is thrown out the car into a pile of snow.–

Alaska: Fuck you Rupaul you saggy bastard!!

Ru: See you at all stars 17 lad.

Ru: (Neck rolling) Oh you…forgot this.

–Rupaul throws Jinkxes nan into the pile of snow and speeds off.– Alaska: Shit.

–Alaska spots a warm glow in the distance. On further inspection it’s a humble pub. She approaches it, stepping over Jinkxes nan along the way. Once inside she spots a booth of old geezers.–

Alaska: Mrs. Kasha Davis? Tempest Dujour? Why you here?

Mrs. Kasha Davis: Us old folk have a hard time finding a place to stay during winter, and you know what they say!

Alaska: There’s always time for a cocktail?

Mrs. Kasha Davis: No. Mrs. Kasha Davis: (Tearing up) I have no grasp of my drinking problem and I’m sadder than I’ve ever been help me please.

Alaska: Lol hiee.

Tempest: Your aura is jacked. What’s troubling you?

Alaska: I need to find Shangela. Legend says a single halleloo can light a soul on fire with Christma-

Tempest: Dont talk to me about legend you lanky shit. I invented that story.

Tempest: Besides, that’s just a myth i created.

Alaska: But why Tempest?

Tempest: To get those kids off my danm lawn!

Charlie: (Raising her pint) Here here!

Alaska: Then that means…I’m doomed to hate Christmas forever…

Mrs. Kasha Davis: Yeah looks like it.

Alaska: I think I’ll go watch the Sherlock Christmas special.

Alaska: Thanks for literally nothing.

–Alaska hangs her head and pushes a pint glass off the table sadly :( She begins to exit the pub.–

Charlie: Wait!!! You have passed the test.

Alaska: (Turning back around) Pardon?

Charlie: Most people prefer the Doctor Who Christmas special, but the Sherlock Christmas special is far superior. You have passed the test.

–The seniors huddle together and whisper amongst themselves before turning back to Alaska.–

Tempest: Shangela is in fact real.

Tempest: We were only goofing you before because you’re sort of a dick.

Alaska: So Shangela is in the happiest place on earth Scotland?

Mrs. Kasha Davis: (Guffawing) Dont be silly.

Mrs. Kasha Davis: Scotland doesn’t exist. Shangela lives in Sheffield, up in the block of flats behind Lidl.

Tempest: I hear the Lidl fruit cake is very good this year.

Mrs. Kasha Davis: Yes Ive heard that too.

Tempest: Mmm very good.

Charlie: Bit too dense for me. Gives me diarrhoea.

–They all look around to Alaska who’s disappeared.–

Tempest: Shit.

–Around an hour later and Alaska finds herself outside a large council estate. She travels up the flight of stairs to a door with a Christmas wreath. She rips it off the door and knocks. A Christmas present rolls out the door and Shangela pops out.–

Shangela: Haleoo?

Alaska: Hiee are you…

Alaska: (Looking down at her hand) Shanjello?

Shangela: Maybe i am. maybe i arent.

Shangela: I just huffed an entire tube of paint i genuinely don’t know anymore.

Alaska: This entire holiday is aids.

Alaska: I got frostbite on the way up and i left Jinkxes nan to die in a pile of snow.

Alaska: I need some Christmas spirit.

Shangela: (Taking out a fat blunt and taking a massive chong) Listen here you lanky shit.

Shangela: Many before you have tried, and most have failed.

Shangela: Just like on drag race, consequence for failure…is death.

Alaska: I’m not sure that’s correct.

Shangela: Yeah sorry its the drugs.

Shangela: Alright go get me some Lidl fruit cake and i’ll give you my sweet Christmas goo.

Alaska: Ok but i never want to hear the phrase ‘sweet Christmas goo’ ever again.

Alaska: Biee

Shangela: (Waving and grinning) No problem giant purple rat.

Shangela: Is the sky melting?

–Alaska makes her way inside Lidl and grabs a big ol fruit cake. At the counter she couldn’t help but feeling she knew the cashier dressed up in a reindeer costume. She pushes a schoolboy over and places her baked Christmas goods on the counter along with a litre bottle of tizer which was only a quid insane bargain.–

Raja: 3 quid mate.

Alaska: Raja??? You work in Lidl???

Raja: Aye.

Raja: You know how it is. Crippling debt and all that.

Raja: Turns out 75,000 pounds goes quickly if you spend it all on grey hair dye.

Alaska: I didn’t ask but ok, werk.

Raja: What are you doing here? You hate Christmas and seasonal foods.

Alaska: it’s not for me, Shangela is exchanging Cake for Christmas spirit.

Raja: (Gasping) That idea is a boot from me. Shangela is a very vengeful and evil spirit!

Raja: OI RAVEN.

Raven: (From across the room working another counter) WHAT.

Raja: THE CUNTS ONLY GONE AND MADE A DEAL WITH SHANGELA.

Raven: WELL GET HER OUT THE STORE I WONT BE CLEANING UP BLOOD OFF THE FLOOR.

Raja: (Turning back to Alaska) Would you like a bag for an extra 5p?

Alaska: Vengeful spirit? What are you on about?

Raja: Well, back on our season there happened to be a Christmas challenge…

Raja: All was going well. The room was full of seasonal cheer! That was all until a large box was rolled out and we were all proper gagged.

Raja: Shangela popped out of the box after being eliminated from last season. She was ready to snatch the crown by any means necessary.

Raja: As it turns out she did so badly in the challenge, she landed herself in the bottom 2 once again.

Raja: Fuelled by her hatred for tulle fabric and Mimi Imfurst, she managed to stay in the competition. But at a cost…

Raja: Ever since, she’s hated Christmas! And steals the souls of those who cannot bring her Christmas cake!!

Raven: RAJA DID YOU TELL HER THE STORY?

Raja: I’M TELLING IT NOW FUCK OFF.

Alaska: (Hands over the money) Sounds fake.

Alaska: See you at Jinkxes nans party!

Raja: Bye.

Raja: Daft cunt…

–Back outside Shangela’s door, Alaska knocks three times. Did she have anything to worry about? Was Raja’s warning true?–

Shangela: Haleoo?

Alaska: I brought you fruit cake.

Shangela: Who are you?

Alaska: We met 10 minutes ago.

Shangela: Ah! Giant purple rat!

–Alaska hands over the cake and Shangela observes it for a moment.–

Shangela: This…this i-is not Christmas fruit cake…

Alaska: Oh man really? Haa i must’ve picked up partytime gyozas by accident my bad.

Shangela: (Fists trembling as she goes red) YOU HAVE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE..

Alaska: Omf the look on your face right now…priceless.

Alaska: Hey what’s your wifi password?

Shangela: IM-IM.

–Shangela begins to transform as she morphs into a disgusting snowman creature. Finally she lets out a blood curdling screech and lunges at Alaska.–

Shangela: HAAALEEELOOOOOOOOOOO

Alaska: (Dodging Shangela’s punch) Hmm i think Raja may of been on to something…

Alaska: I’d better get out of here huh.

–Alaska begins to boot it down the stairs, Shangela hot on her heels, throwing glasses of Absolut cocktails at her. Alaska’s lanky knees give way as she clatters to the floor. She was at the mercy of Shangela, who towered over her menacingly.–

Shangela: I DONT HAVE A CHRISTMAS CAKE IVE NEVER HAD A CHRISTMAS CAKE IF I WANTED CHRISTMAS CAKE YES I PROBABLY COULD GO OUT AND GET ONE BECAUSE I AM WHAT? HUNGRY. YOU COULD NEVER HAVE A CHRISTMAS CAKE BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL BABY EVERYTHING I HAVE EATEN IVE WORKED FOR AND GOTTEN MYSELF I HAVE BUILT MYSELF FROM THE GROUND UP YOU FUCKING BITCH.

Alaska: (Cowering and shaking in fear) IM SO CONFUSED IS THIS A REFERENCE TO SOMETHING?

–Suddenly a Toyota Camry screeches to a halt. The door opens and it’s Rupaul!–

Ru: Alaska! Get in!

–Alaska picks herself off the floor and hops in the car. They speed away as Shangela runs after them, her snowman body gaining power in the heavy snow.–

Alaska: Rupaul? Why did you come back?

Ru: Ive been listening to Anus!

Ru: I relate a lot to the message of nails.

–Shangela lets out another roaring halleloo as she continues to throw acid cocktails. Alaska cooks up an idea stew.–

Alaska: Ru! Drive back to Jinkxes house!

Ru: What? Why? She’ll destroy the place!

Alaska: Trust mawma.

–When they arrive at Jinkxes house Ru does a sick tailspin and stops in the driveway. They leg it inside as a confused Jinkx is setting out party foods and drinks.–

Alaska: JINKX! DID YOU BUY CHRISTMAS FRUIT CAKE FOR THE PARTY?

Jinkx: What? Yeah it’s my nans favourite.

Alaska: Your nan is dead Jinkx!

Alaska: Go get the fucking cake!!

Jinkx: Wait what?

Alaska: No time to explain go grab the cake!!

Jinkx: Did you say my nan-

Alaska: Jinkx really gurl priorities. Get the fucking cake.

–Jinkx goes into the kitchen and comes back with the baked goods in hand. Alaska hurries to the front door and swings it open to find a now 50 ft tall Shangela running towards the house. She readies her throwing arm into Shangela’s agape mouth and takes aim.–

Alaska: Merry Christmas.

Alaska: motherfucker.

–She throws it with her massively lanky arms as it lands in Shangela’s throat. Shangela munches for a bit before nodding her head and returning to her original size.–

Shangela: Bloody good cake that. Aight you’ve earned your Christmas spirit Alaska.

Alaska: Thanks.

Alaska: But you know, i don’t think i need it.

Alaska: I’ve learnt that Christmas isn’t about Holiday spirit, or even our loved ones.

Alaska: It’s about food. I get it now.

Ru: Good job chiiilde. You figured it out.

Ru: Looks like my work here, (Winks) is done.

Alaska: But where will you go?

Ru: Wherever I’m needed.

Ru: Plus i hear Michelle got in trouble with the feds for smuggling coke in her boobs, so i’d better go help her out.

Alaska: Bieeeee.

–People start arriving for the Christmas party. Tempest Dujour, Mrs. Kasha Davis, Charlie Hides, Raja, Raven and even Roxxxy take their places at the table and begin to chow down on the delicious munchies. Just before Alaska goes inside Shangela lets out a small cough.–

Shangela: Hey, I’m sorry about earlier. You’ve taught me the true meaning of Christmas, and I’m forever grateful for that henny.

Alaska: You know…there is an extra place at the table since we killed Jinkxes nan…

Alaska: Want to join us?

Shangela: Well, i am out of paint to huff…

Shangela: You know what? Halleloo i do!!

–And so everyone gathered around for this most festive of holidays, rejoicing and eating those mini sausage rolls that taste better cold. Roxxxy’s bingo game went well, the old folks had a place to stay, Jinkx was sobbing into the tablecloth, and most importantly, Alaska had found out the true meaning of Christmas. Merry Christmas to one and all reading this, and i hope you go to Lidl for your shopping this festive season. Halleloo.–

[shaddy-bee]

I KNOW ITS BEEN LIKE 300 YEARS BUT-

5 things you’ll find in my bag

Right now theres uhh Notebooks, both school and 1 art. Drink mix ins, with such great flavors as sour apple jolly rancher and crush pineapple (tm) Two packs of cards, one of which steam punk themed and the other your regular ol bicycle. A calculator. Its a shitty old one but its for tests, i have google and shit for anything i need myself.

5 things you’ll find in my bedroom

A roommate. Idk if he is gay or what but he isnt straight, name’s will. Chill dude. Sleepin rn, what a fella MY SICK ASS COMPUTER IM MISSING OUT ON BECAUSE MY ROOMMATE IS ASLEEP AAAAAAAAAAAAAA I WANNA PLAY ROCKET LEAGUE WITHOUT LAGGING TO HELL also programming my mods. Need to upload that shit. Shit what number we on, 3? Okay cool. A bed. Wow really a bed in your bedrooM? yeah its pretty fuckin spectacular i know. I dont have posters n shit so like i gotta be creative you feel. A microfridge. Now i know what youre thinking, “ah a small fridge whats the big deal?” but no you dont understand, its a microwave fucking bolted onto the top of a fridge. They gave zero fucks attaching these two together and apparently the name is the same way, WHY NOT A FRIDGEWAVE EVEN LIKE MICROFRIDGE JUST SOUNDS LIKE A SMALL FRI- Last but not least, im tempted to just say my wallet here tbh, cuz its old but like, youd EXPECT that now would you? Something boring and mundane for me to fill out the word count with making everything super exciting so nah man, fuck it. Theres air in my bedroom. Fight me.

5 things I’ve always wanted to do in my life

Make a videogame. Like okay, a lot of stuff on this list is jokes and stuff, and I know im going into too much detail and my followers will probably murder me in cold blood for this shit, but im serious about this one like - i have some ideas, but i never have the motivation alone to like work whole-heartedly and finish one but like, at some point in the future id love to sit down and just go at it and make a game. Doesnt matter if its popular or big or small just i wanna make something that i love ya feel? I wanna like, go to newark, delaware. I know, its delaware and all, no one lives there, but ive met a bunch of cool people there and i was promised a donut run sometime, so lookin forward to that. Yknow that post awhile back that was like “i dont wanna be rich and like buy shit, i just wanna have enough money to throw at kickstarters whenever i want without having to strain on my food and rent costs” thats me. 100% Like i wanna have just enough money to be able to donate to cool people and watch them do cool shit - it wont always work out but thats fine, I just love shit. I wanna be able to donate like the high prize and fly out to meet these game studios for coffee and shit and just talk with em and see their passion and ideas. I love it. Im not actually really sure besides those. Like idk. I think itd be cool to enter a game tournament with my brother and win, but i doubt thatll happen and its not super like on my desires just itd be cool cuz we named ourselves Sora and Shiro after NGNL and to see that like, have us win would be great. Yeah. Ill make my fifth to think of a fifth one.

5 things on my to do list

FLOPPY DICKS i mean disks. Floppy disks. I do binding of isaac ab+ modding shit, and im currently working (its mostly done for what i want it to do) which adds a new consumable called floppy disks, effects are based on viruses, bugs, and just computer based shit. Like BSOD for instance, which makes the screen literately bluescreen. Or atleast look like it. Cant wait to watch people play with it. I gotta work on the programming class project too but honestly i dont waannnaaa. Like its cool as shit. Recreate a card game using c++ code. But man, i just love Apocrypha and Floppies so much more. Eat today???? Please. Dining hall opens in 3 hours. Its goddamn 4 am. I want my food. Dunno if ill get it - if ill stay awake till then. But i want it. Probably draw some stuff? Like i posted one drawing already (check it out if u wanna ;) kay?) but like theres wacom tablets here i can just kinda use whenever???? its great. I love being able to just draw stuff on em. Even if i suck at drawing, even if it took 10 hours to make the one i posted here, still love. Probably play more rocket league. Sleep first, soon as i get that food im CRASHIN BOI IM OUTTIE HA but uhh, rocket league has a halloween thing rn and i like playing it. Was playing earlier today and i matchd with a dude in 2v2 that had the same car, skin, AND colors set up as mine. Totaly random. We kicked some major ass together. I kept thinking of the same hat comic the entire time. (also my card was superior because it had furry ears on it ;))

5 things that make me happy

Getting an idea for a thing and working at said thing until like boom it went from this abstract idea to now it has a physical form and it works! And its fun and its great and i can share it with other people and they can have fun too!!!! that feeling is wonderful.  Obviously friends man. Just doing shit with people can be so great sometimes - like not all the time sure but like man. Its nice to talk to people and share experiences and just smile and tell bad jokes and have them groan but like it anyway like thats the shit. Going out at 2 am and walking to a nearby run down schoolyard and swinging on the swingsets and watching shooting stars burn up. Thats the good shit. Getting tents and setting em up in your friends back yard when your friend from far away comes up for a few days, and playing ridiculous games in a group like kick the can or fuckin zombie screaming your lungs out in the dark to freak em out, or just talkin around a fire about fuckin life man. The people make life great. Shits worth living for. I realize that last answer covered a LOT of shit but like, im just gonna add here videogames. Would be amiss if i didnt mention that, considering the rocket league rant above lmao. Yeah i better not make this category any longer.

5 things I’m (currently) into

Isaac modding, probably will be for awhile. Its good shit. As a suggestion from one of the people I work with (we also fuck around its a good time) i have started watching space dandy. Its a slow progress through lol like an episode or two a day but god man like its pretty ridiculous and the main character is pretty much everything i was expecting from seeing him everywhere. Rocket league again. It comes and goes with various different games to tide me over, give me a break from working. Bout 2 months ago or so said relaxing time was dominated by anime - i suddenly went on like a massive streak of watching shit. By that i mean, i watched all of hunter x hunter in like 2 weeks, among other shows prior to it. But yeah. Fuck man HXH I LOVED THE KING WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. I have too many emotions about that. I wrote a rant to the Groupchat (tm) about the fucking battle and how everything is in slow motion but it fucking like makes it like foreshadowed and have so much of an impact and still so much fucking happens even while everything runs at super slow mo just GOD KLASFJBHUGHASFIUHIPJASK anyway. Yeah. Music, as always im listening to like constantly. Wireless headphones are a wonder for this, but uhh....i cant say im especially into any specific thing rn right? Like a bit ago i was super into joywave and then that faded out and now im just listening to whatever random shit, yknow? But I am into music in general. Its good. Art! A lot of times i dont do shit like for drawing right, like especially not in like pencil in notebooks but like, i sorta started doing a lot more art stuff? Like i had a period awhile back last year where i stopped using pencils and used only pens and i just loved the aesthetic of the ink like how it looked (funny how im doing the opposite of the fucking inktober though, huh?) but yeah im back into using pencils to draw shit occasionally. Im still terrible at drawing people (which is what i see mostly everyone drawing on tumblr lmao RIP) but its fun to sketch stuff out and just let my thoughts run and bounce to some music and shit right? Also the tablets. Especially with the tablets.

5 things people may not know about me (at least on tumblr)

I basically constantly wear sweatshirts, and they all have like earbuds where the strings go. All the earbud shits are broken pretty much, like occasionally they work (the one i have rn does) but like, i dont ever really use them? i have wireless headphones for my phone and a headset (because i need the mic for my computer) for said computer so like, idk. But yeah. I rarely take em off when im not home, and sometimes even when i am i just kinda keep em anyway? (also just now i realized i talked in the section for room shit about all the stuff in my current dorm, my room at home has all KINDS of wierd fucking shit in it. Really missed an opportunity there.) Like many people i like to stay hydrated and shit, but drinking water all the time seemed like a chore more than anything so i got like drink mix ins and shit, mio’s or whatever offbrand version you can find at your local SUPERSTORE CONGLOMERATE. I drink em like all the time pretty much so atleast im health in one way :P. Also gummy vitamins. I dont excercise but you can only ask for so much. Idk, its hard to think of things for this section because tumblr knows so little about me yknow? Like i never make my own posts or shit like its SUPER rare so im pretty much just tryna find random facts but that might not be interesting? Like i have a bad habbit of like talking way too loud when im excited about something right? Not quite yelling but like getting there and like idk. See? Thats not super interesting but it is something no one online would be able to really know ya feel? Idk. I mean physically im kinda fat as you do, but im also like wierdly strong? Like for someone who never works out i sure do have arm strength if nothing else lmao. My endurance is shit tho. Honestly? I can only blame it on osu and groceries. Osu is just a game i like where you mash buttons to the beat of weaboo shit tier music. The groceries is just because like, well, my policy is Least Trips Possible which means carrying in 13 bags at a time if need be it, fuck it milk too? And a watermellon? Bring it. 

Who am I tagging? Idk man. Just for shits and stuff tho i do wanna tag @theoriginalyami just to see what all’s changed in teh long time since i actually went to fill it out :P Dont feel like you have to add as much as me tho omg @milkchocolateowl because honestly? love you. Think about you a lot, just like glad im mutuals with that ray of sunshine. Good. @fantaledfish <3 (this is the friend i mentioned earlier, runs a QUALITY blog i guarantee it, better than mine for sure) @dragonfucker-supreme always top in my notes, a silent bond, like two guards assigned to watch back to back in the early dawn. Birds gather round. I can only tag so many people (i set myself a limit of 5 because...idk why i just mentally it felt right) so for my last trick gotta go with @ask-oncies-jizz like cmon man name changes for the win, also has quality icons and quality shitposts tbh, supreme top meme. Have fun yall.

[victakestaipei]

WEEK 3 RECAP: 9 min mile, SZA, and The Red Poop Scare

This week was not very eventful. Sorry to say folks, but it’s not going to be exciting all the time right? You have to have boring/uneventful days to balance out the exciting ones. I guess it makes you appreciate them more... But regardless of this fact, I still am going to write about the week due to the fact that I’m trying to stay consistent and make blogging feel like a habit/hobby, rather than a chore (at times). If you keep reading and get to the end of this post, you the GOAT!

Monday: 

I was super exhausted this morning from the long weekend (visiting Longdong and Fulong)... I didn’t want to get out of bed and it took all of my strength to get up and climb down the ladder from my bunk bed. I also was still recovering from the first real sunburn I’d had in years, so pulling on my sports bra and t-shirt this morning was definitely a wake up call. In class we had our third test of the course. It was definitely harder than the previous two, but I still think I did well. Class dragged on harder and slower than ever before... I found myself counting down the minutes until 1:10pm.. and it seems like I wasn’t the only one hehe

At the gym it was floor day/abs. So I did mostly floor work with a matt. The weight lifting area of the gym is pretty small so usually when I use a matt I take it outside of the weight lifting room and do my sets in the hallway/foyer. But, there is no air conditioning out here so I find myself dripping sweat onto the matt and it’s just a mess.  ALSO!! I actually ran a mile today, in 9 minutes! That was my goal cut off time and I made it by the skin of my teeth. So I ran the 1.6 kilometers in 9 minutes... Not too shabby from last week ;)

For lunch Bunny and I grabbed potstickers to go (I got the curry flavor) and hopped on the bus to head home. We didn't feel like sitting and having lunch because we are still recovering from the weekend and were super tired. After I got home I hopped on FaceTime and caught up with Karis and some other loved ones. I wanted to take a nap, but I figured it might be better to just stay up so that I can sleep real good when I finally hit the hay. For dinner Bunny made rice, scrambled eggs, and we picked up some fried chicken from the food stand place by our dorm. I had bought a dozen eggs the weekend before in the grocery store, and they were going to go bad soon so we had to figure out what we were going to do with them. It turned out to be a really good dinner. I finished my blog post about Fulong today, and also did some personal journaling of my own before starting my homework. Today was a bit of a moody/emotional day, and I'm not sure why. But it feels good to write. It always feels good to write...

Tuesday: 

So as it turns out, I got a 97% on my test from yesterday!!! Feelin’ good. Feelin’ like a smarty pants. We also had a written quiz today too on the dialogue. I got a 94% on that. I’m really starting to get the hang of writing traditional, and I’m actually glad I chose Taiwan as my study abroad destination, so that I could learn both forms of written Mandarin. I know it’ll pay off in the long run when I’m making dem big bucks! Hehe (kidding)... ((kindof)).

In the gym I ran another 9 min mile. It was also leg day (my favorite)!!... When I got home I bought my SZA ticket. I AM SO EXCITED YOU ALL HAVE NO IDEA. I have been listening to this woman for years now and she’s finally getting the recognition she deserves and I’m so happy for her :-’) I’ll be seeing her with Poirshea in Sacramento in September. Can't wait. Gonna die of excitement!!! P and I really bond over SZA and love her to death and I’m so glad we’re going to experience her music live together. Twin bonding at it’s finest. 

I miss you Twin!!! 

Sza is so adorable I just can’t!!!! Ugh. 

Anways, for lunch the three of us went back to the soy sauce braised place, and filled up on udon noodles, veggies and tofu. I got it a bit spicier than last time.. and it was really really good. WAYY better than last time! For dinner I was still pretty full off of lunch, so Bunny and I went to the street market around 10:30pm to get some fruit and egg scallion pancakes. I NEED to learn how to make these pancakes at home because they're so dang good. I will make them everyday for every meal. BOMB.COM. Egg scallion pancakes are basically green onions, eggs, and dough in pancake form... sounds odd, but man is it tasty!

Wednesday: 

Today I jumped up out the bed at 9:52am like I was just ressurected from the dead. And for those of you who don’t know, my class starts at 10:20am. Bunny was still knocked out when I was startled out of bed.. so we found ourselves throwing on clothes and rushing out the door. We ran to the bus stop, and was only about 10 min late to our class. Thankfully our teacher wasn't upset or anything... But right after we arrived we had a quiz waiting on us at the do’

I’m not sure about my grade yet, but I don’t think I did so well. I was drawing a lot of blanks because I was still frazzled from rushing this morning. After class we got something small to eat before the gym because at this point it's 1:30pm and I'm starVING!!! At the gym I did a really really quick back day, because there’s a class that meets in the gym at 2:20 on Mon/Wed/Fri so usually I have to do short workouts on those days. 

After the gym we headed to a fruit stand to get mango smoothies and dragon fruit... *REMEMBER THIS* 

I wasn't super hungry because of the food I had before the gym. And then we went home, did homework, took a nap, and watched netflix. At around 9 Bunny and I went to get potstickers at the place by our dorm. That place is the best ever. 

Thursday: 

This morning we actually woke up on time. We were even able to gnab some bread at the local bakery before class. I usually pair my morning bread with a tea of sorts... I’ve been drinking alot of green tea lately, and I really really love the green tea infused with passionfruit. So so good. But, I’ve come to find out on days that I don’t have any tea or milk tea, I get massive massive caffeine headaches. I used to get them alot when I would stop drinking coffee after a few days... But I didn’t think this would still happen to me because the caffeine amount in green tea is so much smaller... who knows. But nonetheless, the tea is worth it!!! 

We had a quiz in class today, and before the end of the three hour period, she sprang a test on us right there at the end. She did this because alot of us (4 out of the 9) will be absent tomorrow due to travel. There’s another student in our class (the Swiss guy) who’s going to Seoul, South Korea this weekend, and he left midway through our class. And then the three of us (Bunny, Nick, and I) leave for the Philippines tonight at like 2am.

Also in class I got called Beyoncé more than I wanted to... Our teacher first brought up Shakira, and asked us if we all have heard of her before (which obviously we have), but she just learned of this Columbian singer’s existence and was tickled/excited to share the news. She then brought up Beyonce and drew the conclusion that I look strikingly similar to the superstar mother of three. I can admit it is quite the compliment, but Lord knows she only thinks this because we are both lightskin, tall women. Hooray for racial insensitivity!!!

At the gym it was leg day once again (it’s Thursday, duh!). I ended up running a 8:40 mile! I definitely shaved off some seconds. SO Proud. Drenched in sweat!

For lunch we went back to that Malaysian place with the sweet lady who showed us pictures of her 8month old grandson. I love her. I ordered the hot/sour Chicken with potato wedges... so incredibly bomb. 

Bunny and I went home after lunch and packed for our trip to the Philippines this weekend, as well as napped. I went to the bathroom and had the fright of a LIFETIME. Which brings me to the “Red Poop Scare” segment of this blog post.... 

I have had problems pooping regularly since I’ve gotten here, I think partly due to my change in diet and stress levels... but nonethless it has only just started to get more regular/consistent. So just IMAGINE my shock when I went to handle my business and my poop was RED!!! I’m talking BRIGHT RED/MAGENTA!!! I thought I was dying!!! Blood in my stool??? Can you IMAGINE!!! I would have had to find a doctor here in Taiwan and omg the HORROR. But when I was handling my business there was no pain or strain or anything... so it was also pretty confusing. After I went back into the room and talked to my roommate I realized that I had DRAGONFRUIT YESTERDAY!!! Which is conveniently the same exact color as my poop. So that was exciting and a relief to realize. It was only that color because of the fruit I had the previous day. THANK YOU JESUS I AM ALIVE AND HEALTHY AND IT WAS NOT BLOOD. 

....I’ve come to realize that maybe this segment of the blog is a bit TMI... but I also told myself that if I’m going to blog, It’s going to be as open and honest and transparent as possible.. everyone has poop probs am I right??? 

Anyway,

We also did a quick run to the night market before taking the MRT to the airport. At the night market we got some more food to eat because we knew the journey to get to Philippines would be long. We were to land at 4am. And we left to the airport around 10:15pm. It takes about 45-hour to get to the airport, plus we wanted to allow enough time to check in, go through security, etc before our plane departed at 1:45am.

Here’s some pics of the wanton/noodles I bought and the really really good burger I had at the Night Market.. THE BURGER MIGHT BE BETTER THAN IN-N-OUT DONT @ ME

I’ll come back with another post about the Philippines!

until then, xoxo

[scarletkilometers]

I Have Too Many AUs Already And Who The Fuck Knows If I'll Ever Have Time To Draw Them But Here You Go

ScarletKilometers: While I'm on the topic of Bad Idea Aus, which is always, What If Grand Vampire Lusamine

Bumblebard: i love that and she would be so insufferable but i read that as bad idea anus jsyk

ScarletKilometers: What if Lillie was half human and had none of the strengths and all of the weaknesses of both species

Bumblebard: twould explain her floppy hat

ScarletKilometers: I like to think she can eat garlic tho

ScarletKilometers: In precisely the fashion of the lactose intolerant who eats an entire gallon of Neapolitan because they don't have any more fucks to give

Bumblebard: yes

Bumblebard: and she doesnt strictly have to drink blood but damn she craves it

Bumblebard: she at least drinks a lot of coconut milk

Bumblebard: which can act as a sort of substitute iirc

ScarletKilometers: After she moves out she constantly orders massive amounts of garlic knots just because she can

Bumblebard: "worth it" she says, writhing in pain

ScarletKilometers: Meanwhile Gladion is a werewolf and noone wants to question it

Bumblebard: hau is a paranormal investiagtor and also a werewolf

Bumblebard: sorry i dont make the rules, i say, unsorry and making the rules

ScarletKilometers: Meanwhile team skull is a band of filthy vampire hillbillies staked out in the middle of the fucking woods in goddamn Ohio

Bumblebard: hot damn

Bumblebard: that sounds about right actually

ScarletKilometers: The Aloha State is a fucking horrible place to be legally allergic to sunlight so they relocated

ScarletKilometers: Collecting Rowdy Boys as they worked their way east

ScarletKilometers: "Is there enough room for all these Rowdy Boys in this Winnebago? Probably not." - - A coward

Bumblebard: "ALRIGHT EVERYONE IF WE COULD JUST TURN INTO BATS FOR A COUPLE HOURS"

Bumblebard: "WHY DOESNT PLUMERIA HAVE TO TRANSFORM?" "BECAUSE SHES THE DRIVER"

ScarletKilometers: omg yes

ScarletKilometers: They keep yelling for McDonald's even though none of them can eat that anymore

Bumblebard: does mcdonalds use garlic?

ScarletKilometers: I don't know but for this aus purposes a vampire can technically eat human food but it's like digesting cotton balls for all the good it'll do them

ScarletKilometers: There are like forty people in this goddamn van this is a prohibitively expensive meme. It's not happening

ScarletKilometers: Cow tapping is totally a thing tho

Bumblebard: def

ScarletKilometers: Meanwhile Wicke is definitely one of the Fey

Bumblebard: i think that ones true in canon too tbh

ScarletKilometers: If you eat the malasada she offers you you owe her a debt of servitude

ScarletKilometers: Aether's interns have been 25 for a long time

Bumblebard: rest in peace hau

ScarletKilometers: MEANWHILE Faba is some kind of parasitic alien brain worm even though there were zero sci-fi tropes in this au till he showed up

Bumblebard: adshfkasjhdkja TRU

ScarletKilometers: He's been using the same human host since 1560 or some shit and somehow it has not gone smelly

Bumblebard: the smelly part of corpses comes from all the processes involved in decaying flesh, so it makes since that as long as the body is alive or certain forms of undead is should not smell like that

Bumblebard: unless maybe it develops necrosis?

Bumblebard: unless youre talking about faba not showering which is different

Bumblebard: but he seems like he would shower twice a day

ScarletKilometers: Yeah whatever the hell he is they normally need to jump hosts every century or so because they go bad and start losing brain functions

ScarletKilometers: We don't know how this one has held up so long

Bumblebard: hes just able to halt the bodies natural aging process somehow

ScarletKilometers: His human host may actually be another vampire