#drew this while feeling capital s Shitty

[hugrekkis]

do u care her? honk?

[thekrazykeke]

Title: Best I Ever Had

Fandom(s): Black Panther, MCU

Relationship(s): T’Challa x reader. T’Challa & Okoye. Reader x OC. Ayo & reader.

Request: Any time I read a story about Reader fucking up or not doing right by Tchalla she’s either evil or he just leaves her crying in the dust. I want a fic where she fucks up but apologizes, confesses how much she really loves him and is just scared, and HE. FORGIVES. AND LOVES. HER. And she shows him how much she loves him...wink wink. Basically what we do for Erik in these docs where he fuck up but we forgive him! Except Reader and his level of fucked up! Thank you!

Requester: Anonymous

Summary: I’m not afraid of commitment. I’m afraid of surrendering control too quickly, of putting my heart in hands that do not know how to hold it.

Warning(s): Angst, bad decisions, fluff

(Suffer with me) @adiafegan @wikiwakanda @melaninmarvel

Honestly, T’Challa is a cinnamon roll and if anyone’s unhappy in a relationship, just end it. I give that advice every time, you do more damage staying with somebody who you honestly don’t even like because you scared to be alone/lonely. That’s fucked up, so just let that person go, let them be with someone who can appreciate them. Anywho! I know it’s probably implied in the request about ‘Erik’s level of fucked up’ meaning she is supposed to be having an affair/cheating but I couldn’t go through with the whole thing because I’ma sucka. 

#CheatersNeverProsper

~

You had been born in a country that didn’t want you and fighting against a system designed to keep you at the bottom, scrambling for scraps. Being black in America meant that from jump street, you’re at a disadvantage. Even more so, you’re a black woman, and that comes with it’s own set of stereotypes and little boxes to be checked off so other minorities and Caucasians can feel justified in their treatment of you. 

Be too loud, then you hood. Talk too soft, then you shy, overlooked. Dress conservatively, you a square. Show some skin and you a ho. So what do you do with these mixed messages thrown in your face all the time? 

Not give a fuck!

Or at the very least, master the art of pretending to not give a fuck. 

Mama taught you to be independent and how to take care of yourself, pay your bills on time and be a lady. Daddy had a gambling addiction and while he could be sweet as gold, the pipe dream of hitting big and being a millionaire is too tempting for him to kick; you learned that some people are just lost causes.

The core lessons stuck. 

Throughout your life, you bumped your head, stumbled and got lost trying to find who you are as a person. You lost friends along the way, chasing your dreams. Romanticist to the core but you’d been played too many times to the point where you knew all the tricks; you ended up being the one calling the shots in relationships. 

No one had the power to hurt you anymore because you wouldn’t let them. 

One night them and move on, that’s the number one rule. 

Until T’Challa Udaku. 

He swept in your life and thrown everything out of wack. You was used to the hood niggas, fools who wanted you to spread your legs and close your mouth or the hoteps who were fake ‘woke’ and wanted you to be ‘all natural’ and worship them for breathing. Workplace hook ups were entirely too messy. Businessmen, lawyers, doctors, etc. were serious about their craft but they tended to prioritize work over relationships in your limited scope of experience. 

This man, though? 

He was...He is good. 

He treated you with respect, listened to and valued your opinion. Had no issue with spending money on you and wouldn’t complain about the price for anything, opened doors for you and treated you as if you were important, beautiful. T’Challa is one of those rare, one of a kind people and for some reason he wanted you. Can you imagine that? You, one of the many translators that the U.N. had employed but out of everyone there during the press conference where he made history by announcing on live television that Wakanda would be more involved in the world, and share it’s resources, after decades of isolationism, it’s you who caught the attention of a king?

Talk about surreal. 

Admittedly, you thought that T’Challa was just after some easy pussy. You wasn’t no ugly bitch, you’re confident enough to say that much, but you didn’t have time for other people’s foolishness, not even, maybe even especially, a king. Thus, you ignored the chemistry between y’all and tried to keep from lusting over his sexy, polite ass. 

It’s an exercise in failure. 

The first time you ended up in his bed, or to be specific, in a ritzy upscale hotel and he’s all up in ya guts, hitting your G-spot and making you see stars, the morning after, you blamed it on being drunk even though all you did was nurse a beer all night. You tried to sneak up outta there without causing a scene but the Dora Milaje caught you; Okoye didn’t think much of you but your presence seemed to amuse Ayo, her amusement growing when T’Challa joined y’all in the hallway and dismissed them. He wanted to see you again and you made up an excuse for why you couldn’t, or so you tried. It’s a little hard to stick to your guns when he’s french kissing you so sensually and skillfully, reminiscent of when his tongue had played wit yo punani...

Long story short, he’d gotten his way, much to your (delayed) irritation.

Again and again, y’all linked up and the dicking down that you got is always good. Your prerogative is to keep your distance and although you had tried, there’s just something about T’Challa that drew you in, made the walls around your heart trembled and shivered with the need, the want to come down and let him in, especially when he’s open with you. Somehow this had been going on for a month before he asked you if you would date him and despite your misgivings, despite the instinctive response to deflect and retreat, you told him yes. Yes, you told him even though you wouldn’t allow him to come to your house. Or meet any family members. Yes, you told him and while you liked him, truthfully, you’re sprung and in love, you still tried to remain a sense of separation, of independence because that’s all you knew and the rings of self-preservation crawled up your spine every day that you spent at his side and he proved to be a genuinely good man. 

Good men didn’t love like damaged women such as you.

The two of y’all had been together for just under four months now and it’s clear that he wants more. Hell, he deserves more, deserves better. And part of you wants to give in and trust that T’Challa will catch you, each time your mouth opens to throw caution to the wind, you become frozen and chicken out. Maybe it’s that type of vulnerability which Sebastian DeMarco, your ex, sensed and capitalized on, suggesting that y’all get drinks and catch up while he’s in town. Any other day, you’d have refused, cited work, going to church on Sunday, or any other random thing you could think up. 

No, not this time, this time, you said yes. And you didn’t tell T’Challa about it. You said that you were working late and that you’d see him tomorrow. He’d texted back an affirmative, the response a little more clipped than usual since y’all had gotten into an argument earlier. 

For the first time in awhile, you didn’t think about anything or anyone’s feelings, let alone your own. You got turnt the fuck up, bih! It was so much fun, so easy to get a rush of this type of energy. Sebastian had always been fun type, wild and carefree, why hadn’t you hung out with him again before now?

Turning to ask him, you blink when his lips are on yours. 

Just as you go to shove at his chest and demand what the fuck--

“Y/N.” 

Oh. No. 

Heart beginning to pound with anxiety, drunkenness starting to wear off, you turn to see that it’s T’Challa and another male, some resemblance to him, possibly his cousin that he sometimes talked about? 

“Ba--” You try to take a step toward him while the other guy immediately went after Sebastian (”Wassup, nigga!?” “Whoa, whoa, whoa, bro, I’m just tryna smash!”). 

“You told me that you were working late.” T’Challa stated, voice frighteningly blank. “You lied to me.”

“I just needed a night to myself.” The minute to those words leave your mouth, you know it’s a mistake. Hurt flashes across his face before his features become frighteningly blank. 

“Do not worry. You can have the rest of your nights to yourself, from here on out, Y/N Y/L/N.” He says in the coldest tone you’ve ever heard from him. “N’Jadaka!” Calling out sharply to the other, at the corner of your eye, you see that Sebastian’s face is a mess of bruises and bloody. “Let us go. We are done here.” 

“Nigga, is you forreal?! He kisses yo girl and you letting his punk ass walk away breathing?”

“T’Challa, please.” You try to plea, but he ignores you.

“Now, cousin.” As T’Challa turns to go, you reach out for his hand and he dodges your touch. “Do not---!” Biting back words, he shook his head, disappointed and disgusted.  

You stand there, trembling with suppressed emotions, watching as he got further and further away from you, his cousin chewing him out,  tears in your eyes and a lump in your throat. Leaving Sebastian groaning on the ground, you find a cafe and have the owner call you a cab. Once you arrive at home, you stand in your empty, lonely apartment. Hand going to your head, you walk past a mirror hanging on the wall, pausing as you catch sight of yourself. 

You look shell-shocked, dumbfounded. Like a woman who had the world in her hands but lost it because she was an idiot. A surge of anger flows through you and you yank the mirror off the wall, flinging it. 

Shards of glass decorating the wooden floor. 

Pressing the heels of your hands into your eyes, you laugh and laugh and laugh. Until you cry. For the longest, you just stand there, shoulders shaking and breath seizing your throat as you tried to be silent in your misery. 

And things do not look brighter in the morning. In fact, things look absolutely shitty. Your head hurts because you’re hungover, you can’t talk because your voice is scratchy and you just look like a straight up mess because you fell asleep on the couch, without a bonnet or scarf or nothing. 

Wolf Woman is a thing now. 

If you had the power of time travel, you’d rewind back to two days ago, when you’re in another fancy hotel room, T’Challa tracing the words, ‘I love you’ into your skin while you were ‘asleep’. You cry in the shower because of that. You cry while making breakfast. 

You cry before you leave out for work.

Sebastian calls you while on break and you let it go straight to voicemail. Then delete his number and contact info that he’d snuck into your phone yesterday. God, was it really just yesterday when your whole world came crashing down? Fingers hovering over the buttons, you stare at the screen for a new text message, leg bouncing up and down with anxiety. What do you say, what could you say? Exhaling roughly, you send him the address to your apartment and turn off your cellphone, because you’re a coward. 

Even now you’re trying to protect yourself from more pain and rejection. 

If he doesn’t show up, he doesn’t show up. You’ll accept it. Leave his life and let him move on with someone else. That’s what a good person would do, right? Right, and you’re trying to be better. Throughout the day, you try to focus, but it’s pointless as your mind keeps going back to him and you know your boss is irritated by your behavior but you’re not called out on it, thankfully.

When you get home, it’s not T’Challa waiting for you, but Okoye and Ayo. 

You’re barely able to get a foot out of the car before the General of the Dora Milaje is on you and not in a sexy way, but in a threatening, I will end you type of manner. Her elbow is braced against your throat, applying pressure and she smacks the shit out of you more than once. Literally, you don’t think you have any taste left in your mouth or feeling in your face before Ayo pulls her off.

“Have you no shame?!” The fierce, bald woman demanded, her eyes wild, angry.

“General...General, stop.” 

“You think that because he is soft for you that you can treat our king in any manner--” Ayo blocks her before she can lunge at you again. “I should kill you!”

“I just want to see him.” You say, calm and even toned, heart racing with adrenaline. 

“And you think you have the right?!” Okoye presses a hand on Ayo’s shoulder, about to push her aside but Ayo isn’t budging. “I knew you were not right for him...I told him, I knew it!”

Before you can come up with something witty or smart-alecky to get another smack across the face, “That is not up to you.” 

Okoye ceases trying to murder you for the moment, “Kumkani...”

Ayo hesitantly let her go. 

“We will discuss this breach of trust and insubordination later.” T’Challa says calmly, as if he hadn’t just probably witnessed that embarrassing one sided fight. “Dismissed.” 

“Kumkani...” Disbelief coats Okoye’s voice and features. Ayo, however, merely crossed her arms in the Wakandan salute, marching away. “T’Challa, are you really going to just forgive...” Looking at you with disgust, she closes her mouth, curtly nodded before she also saluted and marched away.

Silence lingers between the two of you for several seconds. 

“Do you want to...come in? Talk, maybe.”

“I do not think that is the best idea.” T’Challa stated, clipped and short. “I should be going as well. I only followed them because I wanted to know what all the secrecy was about and now I have my answer. It does not interest me.”

“Please, T’Challa...” Hand on his wrist, you’re surprised that he allows this. But also, you’re elated because only a day without him and you think that you’re going crazy. You had spent so long with his arms around you, in constant contact, that now that you’re on you’re own, you’re constantly cold, bereft. “Please, just five minutes. Please.”

T’Challa half turned to face you, looking down at you with a blank expression, “I told you that I was done with you.” 

“You’re going to throw away me away for one kiss that I didn’t even initiate?” Again, you’re putting your foot in your mouth. “He kissed me. He kissed me, I didn’t want it.”

He scoffed. “Yet you let him kiss you all the same.”

“I was going to push him away. You came across us before I even got the chance--” His hand is on yours now, he’s trying to get you to let go. “I’m telling the truth, T’Challa, please. If you would just listen to me...”

“You had months to talk to me!” T’Challa shouted. Then when he realized you were staring at him with huge eyes, his normal soft tone returned, “You had months and you chose to just lead me on. Making a fool of me, Okoye was r--”

And you couldn’t stand this anymore. “I was scared, okay?!” Apparently today is the day for dramatic outbursts. “I was t-terrified....of the way...that you make me feel and I...” Vision going blurry with tears, they fell down your cheeks unchecked. “When I get scared, I try and push the problem away but I didn’t want to push you away. And I’m sorry I’m difficult and mean and I don’t always know how to talk about... about anything, but I love you. It’s scary because you see through me sometimes and I can’t...I can’t...” Hiccuping, you let go of his wrists to cover your face, trying to maintain some dignity. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for wasting your time. I’m sorry.” 

This is it, the end of the road, sis.

You had made your pitch and now that he’d seen you for the pathetic, waste of space that you are, just like you promised, you’d let him g--

T’Challa gently gripped each of your wrists, moving your hands out of the way. Embarrassment welled through you and in reaction, even more tears fell down your face. You want to stop crying but it’s so difficult and this isn’t cute or right, tears are not to be used like weapons against people that you loved, after all. “...Do you realize that this is most you have confided in me since we met?”

Guilt stabbed through you. “I’m sorry.” 

“Stop saying that.” He lets your wrists go and you let them drop to your sides. “...I was hurt by you kissing that man, yes. Or he kissed you, there is no real difference. But more than that, I was hurt that you lied to me about your whereabouts. I thought I needed time and space away from you, and while I am irritated by Okoye’s actions and interference in my personal matters, her concerns are well placed.”

Swiping at your eyes, you try to get ahold of yourself, “I know.” You bite your bottom lip to avoid apologizing again.

He lifts your chin, making you look at him. “Do you know? Do you understand how cruel you have been to me?” T’Challa doesn’t let you get a word in edgewise and keeps speaking, “We would probably both be better off and better people if we stop seeing each other.” You try and look away but again, he makes you keep eye contact. 

“But like the fool that I am, weak as you make me, I still love you.”

Then much to your astonishment, T’Challa is crying too. 

You probably look like two idiots, crying outside like that and making gossip for your neighbors, but you don’t care. For once, the facade of being a strong, take no shit type of woman is the last thing on your mind as you blubbered, apologizing over and over again. Eventually though, the two of y’all did migrate to your apartment. The reality that you could have lost him, and very much still could if you didn’t handle your shit like an actual functioning adult and communicate more, hit you full force in the face. 

“‘Challa.” Fingers massaging the pulse point of his left hand, you waited until he hummed, showing that he’s listening, “I love you.” Glancing up, you see that the umber skinned male is watching you. Maintaining eye contact, you guide his hand downdowndown, the fabric of your booty shorts the only obstacle, “I love you and I don’t want anyone else to t-t-to...touch me...” Voice stuttering towards the end as his fingers have disappeared underneath the shorts and his long middle finger dips into your puss til the knuckle, sinking in and out, in and out. Hips rising of their accord, wanting more of that touch, still, you tried to stay on script. With shaking, unsteady fingers, you got the zipper of his pants down. When he added another finger, brushing up against your G-spot teasingly, you went a bit cross eyed before you clenched your eyes shut.

T’Challa smacked you on the ass, hard, causing you to flinch and moan. “Do not stop. This is about me right now, not you, and if you cum on my fingers before I am inside you...”

Oh God, the thought of cumming on this man’s fingers. Pulling down his boxers, his dick came free, saluting you practically; your lips find the mushroom head, kissing the tip before swirling your tongue around, collecting pre. You heard him let out a quiet hiss, abdominal muscles tensing and flexing before he relaxed, and rewarded you by adding one more finger. Deciding to be a bit of a tease too, you massaged his balls gently, kissing along either side of his cock for a few seconds and just before he could warn you again, you took him in your mouth. His hand is on the nape of your neck and his hips rose, making you take more and more, relaxing your jaw, you let him use you, fuck your throat. 

By now, you’re practically soaking his hand and maybe even the couch. 

You could probably cum from this. 

As if sensing wayward train of thought, T’Challa removed his fingers and you let his dick fall out of his mouth without being told. 

“Come here.” There’s no way that you’d disobey. Half rising up, you straddle his waist, legs thrown over either side of him and you sloowly sink down on his cock. T’Challa’s hands are on your hips, fingers slightly bruising when you’re finally seated and he’s buried to the hilt. You have to pause for a second there because he’s not some small guy. It’s only when you’re squeezing his shoulder and wiggling in his lap does he start thrusting. The rhythm is slow and drawn out, he doesn’t rush to get off and he’s not going to let you off that easy either, you belatedly realize when you shuck off your shirt and his head dips to take a nipple in his mouth. 

T’Challa knows your body so well and he has the restraint to edge you over and over again, asking in a calm, almost unruffled tone, who you belong to, who is fucking you so good, and each time, you answer him, all but screaming himhimhim, you belonged to him. And just when you thought that you couldn’t take it anymore, he changed up the game again, delivering short, hard strokes to your G-spot, fucking you so good, so right and when you came all over his dick, screaming his name and probably disturbing your neighbors, but who cared cuz the dick was too bomb-- His spine stiffened and his hips stuttered as you clamped down around him, trying to suck him for every last drop of cum as he came inside you. Leaning heavily against T’Challa’s chest, you can feel his own heart thundered beneath your ear, “I love you.”

You heard him snort. 

Then his hand circled the nape of your neck, thumb caressing the skin. 

“I love you too.”

Not everything is magically fixed between the two of you, even with the best dick session to help things along, and the both of y’all knew that. But this was a start, y’all were going to work it out, then maybe, hopefully, be better in the future.

[redpandamemes]

SHITTY FAN FIC (VOLTRON X DBZ)

Hunk lazily woke from his sleep deprived haze. He needed to get a drink of water despite how exhausted he was. Yet he couldn't move, something as hard as steel firmly held him to his bed. Perhaps it was his bed pulling him back into a comatose, or a dream putting back to sleep. But Hunk fully knew what and who was keeping him there. His eyes slowly looked down to his waist to see his oddball "mate", Raditz.

Raditz was dead asleep yet somehow KNEW Hunk was leaving for more than 5 seconds. He placed his hand firmly on his stomach to keep his close; like hugging a teddy bear at an awkward angle. His forehead now resting on his spine, Hunk gave a gentle smile. "I gotta get up..." Raditz have more of a whine than a growl as he lazily flopped his hand off him, now nearly black dark gray eyes looked up at him lime a lost puppy. "I'll be right back...!"

He has no idea what drew him towards him. Nor did he care. Hunk just knew he did feel... Something towards the hot headed soldier. His complete opposite was now sleeping in his bed, something he'd see as a threat to not only him, but Voltron as a whole was acting like a love sick dog over him leaving. He enjoyed it, that someone like Raditz was completely different behind a closed door.

But how did they even get stuck with him? Well, it was awful. All Hunk wanted to remember was in the end, they saved the day, rather than all the death and destruction Voltron somewhat caused. Chasing down Galra spies, meeting a new species, accidently almost destroying the planet. The basics. In more details, Galra spies found the Lions but their ship crashed landed on a strange planet. Looking for them was mostly Allura's idea to make sure they "really can't tell the Empire information" AKA make sure they were truly dead, even if that meant killing them. The planet was mostly rocks, sand, and somehow rainforestes that never had a pattern.

Soon they, mostly Lance, meet the Saiyans in a near death shoot out, only having no bullets fired thanks to Hunk's panic and Shrio's words. They had a tension filled talk as guns still faced them about the Galra scum, to anyone's surprise where alive. And planning on killing everyone. How? Well with a super weapon the Saiyans forgot about until it attacked the capital and killed thousands. It went like any normal fight. Form Voltron, kick ass, win. But with a lot more death than anyone wanted thanks to the two Galra attacking citizens more than Voltron; ants compared to the giant robot they were spying on them for to begin with.

As an oddball thank you they gave team Voltron a... Slave. Well, kinda. Raditz was a 3rd class, aka a pesent to anyone. He'd attacked higher law and supposedly killed a few(although Hunk nor anyone but Allura was allowed tonhear the talk). Raditz was an "assistant" that they worked for "free". And work he did. By destroying rooms, couches, and doors in unpredictable fits of anger. After a while, it was normal to hear screaming an a clash of heavy metal slamming against the floor. Yet Hunk was always worried WHY he was doing it to begin with. It wasn't normal for anyone to have rage like this normally, hell not even Keith did. But he was angry all the time and it was near impossible to get near him.

Only when eating was he venereal to emotions. And Hunk, while not his only quality, was a fantastic cook, thus he was able to see more than an angry ball of hair that would gladly set a baby on fire. Rather a more emotional man, a confused and frustrated man, a man disappointed in himself for not bring good enough. Hunk would just listen to him ramble as he ate his meals one after another, with an evergrowing sense of dread of Raditz hurting himself with emotions to physical.

So it came as a huge shock that he wanted to be with Hunk, as in more than a bro way. He became protective of him, showing a smile, wanted to be by him almost all day. Raditz became more like a clingy cat towards him than an angry ass towards everyone else. And Raditz was new to any form of romance, as he's only ever kissed his cheek in a awkward moment and seemingly out of instinct.

Now he gently nuzzled his way back into bed and felt muscular arms fasten around him like a seat belt. Hunk looked down at the black mass of hair that looked like a demonic cat. He slowly ran his fingers through the hair, surprised to feel it was smooth and soft, rather than rough and tangled. A deep rumble broke the scilene of the room as Raditz slowly purred like a tiger on the paladin's lap. Hunk slowly drifted to sleep, feeling warmth as Raditz practically buried him in arms and hair. Hunk just gently smiled, slowly kissing the Saiyan's cheek.

(HNNNNNGGGGGG this sucked sorry. Yes this is out of place. Yes I haven't watched anything passed Season 1 so AAAAAAAAA. And Raditz isn't 20-something in this. This version of Raditz is 19 and S C R E A M)

Hunk belongs to Dreamworks: Voltron legendary defenders

Raditz belongs to Dragon Ball Z, akira toriyama.

[dirtycoolcatconfessions]

COOL CAT DVD PACKAGE FULL ANALYSIS

  As some of you may know, as a birthday present I have finally received the Cool Cat movie from a friend of mine. Seeing as I am the self-proclaimed front-runner of the ironic Cool Cat fandom, I feel it is my duty to provide you all with my full analysis of all that comes with this monstrosity, so strap in fellas, this is gonna be a long one.

  Here's an image of the full package:

  Alright, let's start off with the "Thank you for your purchase" type paper.

  Right off the bat, let me say that every paper (bar the "poster", though that one is still preeeetty bad, though I'll analyze that when we get to it) is literally just standard-fare 8.5x11 printer paper. Now, let's start from the top. It says "Cool Cat Productions" as opposed to Derek Savage Productions, what he listed in the movie from what I can remember, so that's pretty strange. To the sides you can see two horrendous pictures of the cartoon form of Cool Cat, which both look like they were drawn in different art styles, with the one on the right for some reason reminding me of some kind of old 2D Chuck E. Cheese drawing, and the other on the right appears to be crying out in pain with weirdly-detailed clothes, a curly pig-like tail, and looking like a failed attempt at perspective. After that it lists the website, (nothing new here) and the email, which uses Yahoo, which I find fairly unsurprising.

  Another thing I love which shows just how much love and care (sorry, "love" and "care") Derek puts into his products is the fact that it doesn't even specify what you ordered, (in addition, the fact that it lists "bookS", since Derek doesn't even have the Cool Cat books for sale, and the Cool Cat Stops Bullying book comes with every purchase of the DVD, and soundtrack, of which they don't sell at all, though I believe Derek stated something about wanting to sell it in the future) which really lets you know that Cool Cat Loves You in particular and cares who You are as a person. (The capitalization is really weird throughout the paper, especially when listing the various products you could have bought, really lending to the "Copy-paste" feel of the whole thing, and the Cool Cat Loves You part somehow evokes a ™ without one even being there.) Further down it asks you to print out free "Cool Cat Loves You" posters (instead of just saying Cool Cat posters, for whatever reason) which is strange for a vast number of reasons. First of all, the poster section of the website is NO LONGER ON THE WEBSITE, and second of all, using the Wayback Machine to go back to an instance when there was shows that the 11x17 "poster" is identical to the poster received in the movie package, which makes you wonder why you would want a second one. 

  (One fun thing to note about this image is the fact that promises that Cool Cat greeting and birthday cards are "Coming Soon!" which I feel really shows you just how much commitment Derek has towards his projects.)

  Back to the original paper, we reach the bottom third of the page, we have Derek begging you to tell everyone you know about Cool Cat so that they know it's time to cut off all ties with you, followed by a call to follow the official twitter @CoolCatLovesYou, officially confirming that that twitter is indeed the real one, fucking weird and not-so as it may seem. Then there are a number of images of potential merchandise you can buy, mainly consisting of the horrendously drawn books that Derek isn't even selling because he's "still looking for a publisher." (Yeah, he couldn't get anyone to publish his books, what a fucking surprise, right? In addition, upon incredibly close inspection of these low-res images, I found that they don't even list the "Illustrated by" that's shown on the Cool Cat Stops Bullying book that came with the movie, since Derek wasn't actually the one who drew this shit. And it's not because it was only on the Cool Cat Stops Bullying book, since among the books on here IS that exact book, sans the "Illustrated by" like all others on the page. I just found that interesting.) Finally, reaching the very bottom of the FIRST ARTICLE OF LIKE 6 (told you it was gonna be a long one) we have a reminder to visit Cool Cat online for Game"s" (There's only one game on the Cool Cat page, "Cool Cat's Fun MatchGame") "Cartoons" (Neither of the two cartoons are accessible from the current page anymore) and More! (Which if by more you mean continuous self-advertising, shitty web design, and child-unfriendly content that can be easily clicked to from the page.) 

  Alright so, the next article, well, honestly I'm not sure what to call this one. It's got two sides, so let's start with the side I'll probably spend less time on.

  Alright, so I guess this side is some kind of info paper? Still not sure what to refer to it as. If you notice at the top it lists the quote that's on the cover, "Cool Cat is Cooler than Barney the Dinosaur!" and I would like to bring to attention the fact that the quote is attributed to Ben Daka, the producer of Cool Cat Loves You, which helps in making the quote seem as incredibly unbiased as possible. (Also yeah, the fact that someone actually produced this steaming pile of dogshit surprises me likely just as much as it might you.) It proceeds to list the summary of the movie, saying what kinds of movies it is, etc. etc. etc. It also lists that it "Includes FOUR Original Cool Cat Songs" however as someone who has watched the movie before online when it was on Youtube for a brief day or two before getting taken down, I can say that there are only two that actually play in the movie proper, "Cool Cat Boogie" and "Cool Cat Loves To Rock", while one is only in the movie as an instrumental while the actual lyrics are only in the DVD menu from what I can remember ("Cool Cat is My Best Friend") and the other only plays during the credits, and is just the song from the now-defunct Cool Cat "cartoon" ("Cool Cat is Cool") however the one in the credits does have an instrumental track behind it, but I'm too lazy to find somewhere you can find that version at the moment.

  Moving on, we have the "STARRING" portion of the page, in which it lists Vivica A. Fox and Erik Estrada despite their 2-3 minute appearances. In addition, if read from right to left, then it technically lists Vivica first, and even if you do read it from center outwards, the way it was likely intended, it still has Derek listed where you would most likely begin reading instead of Cool Cat, which I feel really shows off his vanity.

After that, we have the imperative ">Get Your COOL CAT Today<" which makes it sound like some kind of cat adoption poster or something. After that there's the blatant lie of "We Appreciate Your Business" followed by a statement saying that discounts for schools, libraries, and stores are available, which honestly makes me wonder if there are any places that even carry the movie that aren't online. Also it's kinda weird that they'd have that on one of the papers that comes with the movie. Does Derek expect people to be so blown away by their movie that they just have to bring this flyer to stores and shit so that others can feel the joy of the movie? I don't fucking know this entire analysis is just me talking to myself and probably pointing out shit you could have noticed yourself, but hey if that's not what the blog itself is I don't know what is. Anywho, another fun thing to note is the fact that according to the flyer, the runtime of the movie is 75 minutes, which actually makes it debatable as to whether or not it could actually be considered a film. Final thing to note of this side is that I was indeed correct in my previous assumption that the movie was supposedly made by "a Derek Savage Productions" as opposed to the "Cool Cat Productions" stated on the earlier paper, which is weird.

Anywho, next side of the paper, let's go.

  Now this side, this side infuriates me to no end. It's pretty much one glorified advertisement for the movie you already purchased. To save on time, I think I'll probably speed through this one tbh since the last time I wrote this thing it took me like 4 hours and it mainly consisted of pointing out every little thing on the page, so I'll just give the main things. First of all, why the fuck would you advertise your own movie in the flyer that comes with the fucking movie??? In addition, why does it advertise the books? As I previously established, the books aren't for sale, since Derek's still looking for a publisher. After that, it states that there are Cool Cat eBooks, which I'm pretty sure there aren't any, and they wouldn't even need a publisher I don't think. Also, just to point out, Derek actually managed to misspell merchandise as "MERCHINDISE" at the very top.

  The movie also claims to be a "DOVE AWARD" winner. After some research (I.E. one single google search) I found that the "Dove Award" is actually an award given to exceptional Christian music, so unless the soulful ballad of "COOL CAT IS COOOOOOL" won one of those, I find it highly doubtful that its correct. Next to it, you can see a logo with the words "FAMILY APPROVED" and "ALL AGES". This is the "award" Derek was actually talking about, which is really just an organization that makes sure that movies are family friendly, which sure is a real fucking accomplishment. Below that the flyer claims that it's **STARRING** Vivica A. Fox & Erik Estrada, who really nailed their 2 minute "starring" roles. After that there's some quotes, including one by the late Adam West, may he rest in peace, saying "Cool Cat is Cool!" despite the fact that on the Cool Cat site the quote from West actually says "Cool Cat is Fun!" which shows just how trustworthy this quote was, plus the fact that Derek most likely got the majority of celebrity quotes by walking up to them and asking them to say it. After that there's a quote of "I Love Cool Cat!" from Bo Derek, an actress starring in such great films as Tarzan the Ape Man,  Bolero, and my personal favorite, Ghosts Can't Do It. (All of those films had incredibly negative reception btw, apparently all three of which won her three seperate Golden Raspberry Awards). Finally, below the advertisement for some hideous hats and shirts, there's the godawful pun of "Get Your Cool Cat Purr-chindise" which manages to misspell the latter half of merchandise again, though on the current website, it says "Purr-chandise" so Derek had to have fixed it sometime, but seeing as this flyer is advertising the hats which only just came out a month or two ago, this flyer was made recently, so I don't fucking know.

Moving on, we've got the Cool Cat Loves You Poster.

  The first thing to note is that the poster feels like it was made on 11x17 printer paper, and all-in-all feels really low quality. In addition, it's fairly creased and banged up since Derek apparently doesn't know that you're supposed to roll up posters when shipping them. The main thing I want to note that stands out to me is the fucking background. When I first got it, I thought Derek, like, spilled coffee on it or something, but when I went to look at those posters online using the Wayback Machine, I found that it was completely intentional. I have no worldly idea why anyone would think that this would make a good background, since it gives off either an accidental coffee spill vibe or a 1984-esque dilapidated post-apocalyptic "Big Brother is Watching" sign from it.

That's about all I have to say for the poster, so let's move on to the keychain.

First of all, I'm debating whether or not to put this keychain anywhere since I would probably run a high risk of getting the shit kicked out of me. Anywho, there's not much to say here, it feels like a generic truck stop souvenir keychain, except the fact that Cool Cat is weirdly not centered is bothering me.

Here's the back side to the keychain.

  Again, not much to say, other than the fact that I never want to see the question "Got Cool Cat?" ever again.

  Now we have the book that came with the movie, Cool Cat Stops Bullying. Here's the front cover:

  As you can see the art is fucking hilarious and it looks like Cool Cat is being held at gunpoint. And again, I'd like to point out that it wasn't even Derek who drew this, it was some guy named Robert Rainbow. Imagine paying someone to draw your book and getting this in return. Also, fun thing to note, Daddy Derek is actually a cat in this one (Yes, that is actually supposed to be Derek, since Cool Cat refers to him as Daddy Derek in the book) which poses the question of why the ever-loving FUCK isn't Derek a cat in the movie? (I'll tell you why, it's because Derek still thinks he's hot and wants to show off his "body" in the movie, plus the fact that he was likely way too cheap to have more than one costume made, though it could have easily been avoided by not having the parents, namely Derek, show up often, or in such complex scenes, etc etc. You get the drift, it's just lazy and self-aggrandizing).

Following that, there's the back of the cover.

  Again, not much to analyze in detail, except for the fact that Derek would apparently charge $3.49 for this shitty thing, despite the fact that you can read it in around 2 minutes or under.

  After that there's the side of the cover, which actually has some sad little tidbits of its own.

  If you look closely enough, you can see that the book is fucking stapled together, which I find hilariously depressing. In addition, the publisher is sourced as "Blue Thunder Books" which from my extensive google searching towards the topic, doesn't seem to be a real publisher.

  I would love to post every page of the book itself, but I feel like that might be grounds for some kind of copyright takedown from Derek, though I'll continue looking for some legal way for you guys to see each page, since each one has an illustration, and they're fucking hysterical. Here's a single image for you guys as a little teaser:

  Anywho, onto what you all have been waiting for, the main attraction, the only thing that was purchased and all this other junk just came with for free: The movie. You all have probably seen the box a hundred times, so there's not much for me to analyze there, but here's the front:

  One thing I'd like to point out that I haven't seen anyone else discuss is the fact that Derek and Maria, though most notably Maria, are incredibly low quality and poorly cropped in, to the point where you can't really even make out Maria's face since it's so blurry.

Here's the back:

And here's the side:

  What's interesting to note here is the fact that on the top of the side there's two little icon image things, one of Cool Cat, and one of Vivica Fox, both of which are pretty low quality.

Anywho, enough stalling. Time to open this motherfucker up.

  I'll be honest, when I first opened this thing up, the first thing I noticed was the smell, oddly enough. It's really hard for me to describe, though I will say it's a weirdly bitter, sour smell, maybe something like glue mixed with something else. I have no idea. Anywho, as it was previously pointed out by YMS, the image on the disc is literally a fucking sticker. Unlike YMS's, however, is the fact that it doesn't come off just by breathing on it, so I'm guessing it was just glued to the disc. In all honesty, I haven't even put the disc in my computer to play it yet, since I'm afraid I'll either somehow get a virus from it or that it'll melt inside my computer. I'll just put it in.

Okay, so after putting the disc in the DVD the Disc Drive I got this.

Alright, so there are two folders, the audio one is empty. Great. Then there's the video one.

No idea what this means. Guess I'll have to play it on a DVD player for now.

  Anywho, I guess that there wraps up my analysis! It was mainly me just blabbing on and on about things you probably don’t care about, and doesn't really have a conclusive "end'' or anything, but hey if anything else pops up I'll be sure to notify you guys. Thanks for reading this far if you did, and hopefully Tumblr won't crash before I can post it this time.