#drunk schlatt

[s0ftl3]

And a Happy New Year

A/N: ok so y’all know the newest Joe Bartolozzi ep? Where Schlatt is chugging down schnapps? Yeah well I've been thinking about big guy would act after they’re done filming and it melts my heart thinking about it. So, please enjoy.

It’s been a good fifteen minutes since you heard them end the discord call from the living room, but Schlatt has yet to leave his office. It’s not uncommon for him to spend some time in his office after finishing a podcast recording, but it’s usually followed by the sound of a videogame or video he's editing. There's no sound coming from the room though, so you make your way down the hall to check up on him.

You open the door to find him leaning back in his chair, pretty lashes brushing his cheeks. Your eyes flick to his desk which has a bottle of peppermint schnapps sitting on it, the poor guy must have had a bit going on and had a bit more than he could handle. You gently shake him to wake him up.

“Hey big guy,” His eyes flutter open gently and he looks up at you with a pout on his pretty lips, “aw, sweetheart why don’t we get you to bed?” 

He groans as you help him out of the chair leading him to your shared room, and pulls you down with him as he lays down on the bed. Through your giggles you can hear him start to say something.

“You’re perfect for me y'know that sweetheart?” it’s not unusual for Schlatt to get sentimental when he’s had a bit too much to drink. He’s always clingy and sappy and you couldn’t love him more than you do when he’s sappily letting you know just how much he loves you. “So good t’me, and you’re so pretty, and you’re all mine.” 

“That’s right sweetheart, I'm all yours.” you stroke his hair as you coo at him. Not very long after your confirmation he’s dozing off sure to be whining about his headache in the morning. which is why he’s so thankful to have a pretty girlfriend like you to leave an aspirin and a glass of water out for him.

A/N: I CAN"T BELIEVE I DIDN'T POST THIS????? Maybe i did and just didn't link it in Schlatt's masterlist???? If not umm here's a mini fic that was rotting away in my drafts????

[broken-bottles-of-jack]

The presidents office, widely known to be a very off limits space, one that anyone aside from the Vice and Fundy was allowed to be. But here it was, doors wide open with a very (close too) passed out President JSchlatter , mumbling incessantly to himself, whiskey tumbler in hand, and an almost empty bottle of Jack Daniels on his desk. The President’s tail waved wildly, ears flicking at the slightest of noise, with his suit pressed so prim and proper, framing his body and making him appear oh so intimidating.

But then he turned around, making direct eye contact to the one who stood outside his door. “The fuck are you doing here?”

[keyslox]

i dunno.. he seems pretty mcytblr sexyman to me d:) (im correct)

[mack2732]

episode 102, idk if they were just drunk or if the boys were extra funny this episode.

[itzagundam]

(My first post!!!! I have a huge Jschlatt obsession so ofc he’s my first post 🤭🤭🤭)

Yummy alcohol

===============

Jschlatt x Female!Reader fluff

Summary: Reader is lonely and a hopeless romantic, goes out for a drink to calm down, meets drunk Schlatt instead.

Warnings: Alcohol, language, drunk Jschlatt (That’s a warning in itself)

===============

It’s been a tough week.

Your job has been sucky, and your boss has been giving you hell all week for you just doing your job.

You met Schlatt at a bar six months ago, you were with some friends but you didn’t really talk to them— and then the tall man bought you a drink.

(He says it’s because you looked sad but it was definitely because he thought you were cute)

You two got to talking, and you both hit it off.

You quickly realized that you were his only close friend who didn’t do content creation—meaning there were times that you couldn’t see him.

Which sucked a lot; he was like your rock— and you were crushing on him. Hard.

There was just something about the way he talked— his slick New York accent and his brash voice— and his tall stature- his broad shoulders— and his weird facial hair (which you grew to love), that just brought you in and didn’t let you go.

You came home from work, setting your keys down and sighing.

Your apartment was a mess- clothes everywhere, dishes in the sink. You just had no time to be clean, all because of this stupid job that you don’t even like.

You huff and rub your temples, some part of you is glad it’s Friday but the other part knows this bullshit will start again on Monday.

You decided to get a drink, go out to the bar and get wasted.

You slipped on a nice outfit, and matching shoes— fixing your hair well.

(It’s not Like you really cared how you looked- just wanted to get some attention to get some esteem)

And you walked out of your dingy apartment and into the even more dingy streets of Austin, Texas.

You entered the bar, sitting down and quickly ordering a drink.

You drank by yourself for a while, getting occasional drinks from douchebag college boys.

But, a large crowd caught your attention.

It was loud— so many voices filled the bar now. You watched them for no reason- but you’re glad you did because if you hadn’t you wouldn’t have noticed the tall New Yorker within the crowd.

From first glance he was normal, but as the group approached the bar you could see the faint pink dusted on his cheeks and the small stumble of his stride.

You were blushing- it was just a reaction at the sudden appearance of the tall man.

But you were so entranced by your thoughts that you were very startled when that same man slipped his arm around your shoulder.

“What’s your name, doll?” He asked, clearly drunk from his breath on your neck.

It took you a minute to process his words— then realizing he was so drunk he didn’t remember you.

“My Name is Y/N, what’s yours?” You say, deciding to play along.

“Schlatt.” He said, smiling, his arm still around your shoulder.

“Y/n’s a pretty name.. for a pretty broad.” He teased, laughing softly.

“Well That’s a weird beard for a handsome man.” You say back.

He laughs, “don’t say that about my beard, Doll, I worked hard for it.” He said, slurred.

“Here, let me get you a drink, hm? What does the pretty lady want?” He asked.

You blushed, but you tell him your favorite drink.

He orders for you, but you find yourself staring at him— and you find yourself caught.

“Like what you see; babydoll?” He said, smirking.

You blush, stammering.

Suddenly, you see Schlatt rest his head on the counter, snoring softly.

You’re confused— but you understand that he’s drunk, and that’s what drunk people do? Fall asleep randomly?

You shook him awake softly, and he lets out a grumble.

“What the hell y/n??” He said drunkenly. “Just let a poor guy sleep..” he says tiredly.

“Schlatt- I’m pretty sure you can’t sleep in a bar..” you say, worried about him.

“How about I finish my drink, and then I take you to my apartment that’s just a block away, okay? I don’t want you hurt.” You say softly.

He groaned, but he nodded.

You’ve never drank a glass of alcohol so fast.

You gulp it down, and just as you were about to pay, Schlatt slides his card in front of the bartender, paying for your tab.

It was around 10:30 pm when you both left the bar, walking a block to your apartment.

You let him inside, and you get him a glass of water.

(He’s been complaining about being thirsty for 10 minutes)

You yawn, really tired.

“ ‘m going to get pajamas on Schlatt, ‘m be back.” You mumbled out, going to your bedroom.

You come out in some comfy pajamas, and you have a blanket and a pillow for him to sleep on the couch.

You set up the couch, “Schlatt, Honey-“ You start, not Even meaning to use that pet name but you’re too tired to care. “You can sleep here tonight, okay? You’re welcome to my kitchen.” You said kindly.

He grunts- (so drunk he really can’t form sentance a) and he stumbles to the couch, plopping himself down after turning off the lights to the kitchen and living room.

You’re about to say goodnight and leave when Schlatt pulls you in, making you lay next to him on the couch.

“Really doll? Going to leave me all alone in the cold? Wow.. how rude.” He mumbles, holding onto you tight.

You sigh, laughing softly as you try and adjust in his arms, knowing that you won’t be able to escape anytime soon.

“Goodnight Schlatt.” You whisper, closing your eyes with him, and falling asleep in the arms of drunk Jschlatt.

===============

First post!!! Let me know how it was— and if you’d like a second part! Bye!!!!

[bringbacktim]

Dial drunk- Jschlatt

A noah kahan inspired jschlatt imagine , this is not proofread or edited so be warned

Sad I didn't write this after the post malone version comes out , his verse sounds so good

Warnings : mentions of breakups , alcohol, death, cops , use of y/n , one swear word

Wc: 1.6k

It was no secret that Jschlatt liked to drink , he wasn't an alcoholic or anything, but he drank more than the average person

This drinking multiple times a week and his recent break up did not mix well together at all

Most nights he would get absolutely plastered and either leave a drunk voicemail or a drunk text (both equally embarrassing for him to discover the next morning)

This night was no different, it was a lonely Saturday evening and Jambo was beginning to grow bored of only having one adult to annoy . Schlatt was done streaming for the day and just wanted to wind down so looked no further than the liquor cabinet in his kitchen

Tonight he was definitely going push the limit of how much alcohol he usually drinks without caring about the consequences because he could physically feel his heart breaking in his chest and it was clearly taking a taking a toll on the orange tabby as well

To say the breakup was messy was an understatement , if it had to be described in one song it would be 'come back be here' by taylor swift. The distance did more harm than good, obviously being in a relationship with a youtuber was hard , but having that youtuber across oceans made it nearly impossible

I'm rememberin' I promised to forget you now

The alcohol was hitting hard by this point and his conscience was very much gone so the shit show that was drunk Jschlatt was going to begin

But it's rainin', and I'm callin' drunk

He could hear the pitter patter of the rain on the window and he thought back to how much y/n loved to cozy up on that very sofa with a hot drink when it rained , so the only logical thing to do was call her and tell her it was raining and that it reminded him of those fond memories

And my medicine is drownin' your perspective out

The liquor was making very much not care about whatever negative thing she would  have to say on the other side of the line if she actually picked up

So I ain't takin' any fault

Am I honest still? Am I half the man I used to be?

Obviously he wasn't going to blame the alcohol for the abrupt phone call , that was all him but not the tough guy he used to be that everyone loved . The gooey in the middle guy who doesn't know how to live without Y/n by his side

I doubt it, forget about it, whatever

It's all the same, anyways

With that saddening thought he put the phone down not even bothering to leave a voicemail because then she would know he was drunk

I ain't proud of all the punches that I've thrown

In the name of someone I no longer know

He definitely wasn't proud of all the times he had defended her name even though she ripped his heart out of his chest , stomped on it , and then shot it until you could see through to the other side

For the shame of being young, drunk, and alone

Traffic lights and a transmitter radio

He doesn't remember his feet taking him out the door or walking down the street he knew her hotel and favourite bar was , but at this point it was muscle memory no matter how hard he tried to forgot it his feet could never forget his old favourite path

That wasn't the only thing his feet forgot how to do because next thing he knew a cop car was pulling up next to him asking how much he'd had to drink and to walk in a straight line (aka the most difficult task in the world at the moment)

I don't like that when they threw me in the car

Being put in the back of the aforementioned cop car was no surprise after he couldn't walk or talk even remotely like a sober person

I gave your name as my emergency phone call

"Is there anyone we can call to come get you and make sure you get home safely?" The cop turned to him and asked

"Y/n Y/l/n" he knew it was a long shot , but she was a relatively nice person

Honey, it rang and rang, even the cops thought you were wrong for hangin' up

After about four attempts at calling the cops gave up and we're shocked that his only lifeline wouldn't come get him or even pick up

I dial drunk, I'll die a drunk, I'll die for you

He knew at that moment his life would stay the same for however many years he still had left, Jambo would be left at home wondering when his father would sober up and give him some attention

I'm untetherin' from the parts of me you'd recognize

From charmin' to alarmin' in seconds

He had changed too much since that last phone call and it was hard for his friends to watch , they didn't recognize him a lot of the time . Even his viewers could see he was a shell of himself

I'll be bedridden, I'll let the pain metastasize

But that's mornin', I'll forget it

He didn't care about streaming half the time and just laid in bed wishing the pain would stop spreading from his heart to everywhere else and controlling him like a little person in his head

But that's mornin', I'll forget it

And the dial tone is all I have

It usually got better once he'd actually manage to get out of bed to feed his cat etc , but he couldn't bear to stop calling just to listen to the dial tone it was all he had left of y/n after all and everyone knows that old habits die hard

I ain't proud of all the punches that I've thrown

In the name of someone I no longer know

He was two seconds away from defending you to the pair of cops who didn't even disrespect you even though you just hang up on him four times

For the shame of being young, drunk, and alone

Traffic lights and a transmitter radio

It was shameful to be so young and this sad over something so silly that a macho man like him shouldn't get upset over , luckily the radio kept spitting out messages so he was silenced for now

I don't like that when they threw me in the car

I gave your name as my emergency phone call

He was pissed about them not only man handling him , but also the fact that you wouldn't even pick up despite him having a habit of doing this , why didn't you even want to know he wasn't a danger to himself like some of your mutual friends said

Honey, it rang and rang, even the cops thought you were wrong for hangin' up

They tried a few more times after a solid five to ten minutes incase she was busy , but still nothing.  They couldn't just let him go and have him wind up dead somehow

I dial drunk, I'd die a drunk, I'd die for you

Well, I'd die for you

Were the only thoughts in his head at that moment , he was obviously destined to be a drunk and die from being reckless

"I beg you, sir, just let me call" he  tried to plead with them to just call once more

"I'll give you my blood alcohol

I'll rot with all the burnouts in the cell" he once again begged, he just needed that one more call

"I'll change my faith, I'll praise the flag

Let's wait, I swear she'll call me back"  they we're growing bored of this emasculating begging routine by now

"Son, are you a danger to yourself?" The cop asked wanting to just send him home

"Fuck that, sir, just let me call

I'll give you my blood alcohol" 

Schlatt replied trying to bargain with the man but this was a fight he wasn't going to win

"I'll rot with all the burnouts in the cell

I'll change my faith, I'll kiss the badge" he tried being on their side and charming them to see if he would finally get his way , but still no avail

"Let's wait, I swear she'll call me back" his voice broke as

"Son, why do you do this to yourself?" The cop asked genuinely curious why a tough guy like him was borderline crying in the back of his car

And I said

"I ain't proud of all the punches that I've thrown

In the name of someone I no longer know" with his head in his hands and nursing a water bottle he confessed to the man who was definitely confused

For the shame of being young, drunk, and alone

Traffic lights and a transmitter radio

I don't like that when they threw me in the car

He began to question his current situation and what he deserved to end up a drunk who couldn't get over his ex who clearly didn't give a shit about him or his safety

[fuck-you-im-the-president]

(ooc: I’d like to think his chat is like. The sheep that you count when you get tired or whatever. This guy is always half asleep from all the drinking that his chat is just his sleepy-brain hallucinations.)

ooc:

imagine being so eepy you talk to imaginary lambs in 4th person smh

I love that though 🥰🥰🥰 but how would Quackity's chat work if he doesn't really have eepiness or hallucinations or whatever 🤔

[faebriel]

dsmp c!tierlist of who would slay at netball

[finallygaycoldones]

God he’s so wet and pathetic and cunty <3333 we’d build a “passion for drunk tweeting” army together 💛

[socially-unexeptional]

hating

[tunneltub]

hi =)

[mag171]

DONT WAKE ME UP FROM THIS SPELL / IM UNDER IF IM STILL BREATHING

[keyslox]

Is it cold outside?

[ohbabydollie]

during his bachelor party at a strip club schlatt is completely uninterested, instead getting drunk and saying he misses his wife

he’s in the corner chugging beer after beer, people would assume he was the one groomsman forced to attend instead of the groom. he’s so gloomy then suddenly his groomsmen are getting him up from the corner and tell him to stop sulking and that they got him a private dance.

he says over and over that he wants to go home and plow his s/o. they have to drag him into the room, handing him a thick wad of money before telling him to just enjoy it and shutting the door

he’s thinking about just paying off the person and telling them to come back once the time is up to wake him up from his nap. while he’s getting ready for his nap and about to hand the person the money he looks up and sees you.

as a little surprise you had been practicing your dancing skills in private as the request of his groomsmen who had the idea to begin with.

now schlatt is having the time of his life, watching the way you move against him and around the room. you’re teasing him pressing light kisses to his face and neck, barely touching him and he’s so fucking hard

suddenly before you both know it you’re on his lap making out with him heavily. he’s grabbing at your ass as you moan into his mouth, practically dry humping you.

you part from the kiss, looking down at him as he mutters “gonna make a perfect wife”

you giggle softly before going to kiss him one more time before you’re both suddenly interrupted. you quickly get off his lap, seeing as his groomsmen are there and schlatt gets up hard on very present in his pants as he kisses your cheek and says he ready to go home

[know-its-for-the-better]

living w schlatt hcs

guys im down so bad this week and with today's p.o. unboxing i fear it only got worse. anyways i just had a bunch of thoughts ab what it would be like to live w schlatt while y'all are dating. so these are my hcs. (also i am like incredibly new to writing original material so lmk if this is any good fr)

-this is not the first or last time this will be said but this man is an ass grabber. as soon as he knows it's something you're okay with? he's doing it. not in public, bc in my head he's not big on PDA, but when you're at home? every time he passes by you it's a grab of the ass and a big cheesy grin and he sometimes even a kiss on the cheek

-again, not the first time anyone has mentioned this, but this man is giant. 6'4. so he's def a big fan of the hug from behind. he likes to tower over you and kiss the top of your head. whether you're cooking, cleaning, looking out the window, or admiring jambo on his cat tree; he will come up and squeeze you into a hug from behind with no warning.

-"toots, come here rq" just to ask for a kiss while he's working or editing. simply as motivation to keep going. he says "it's like a reward" and you happily oblige.

-since he doesn't really stream anymore, he doesn't play a lot of video games, but when he does, he lets you sit in his lap as long as you sit still and don't distract him... (obviously you do sometimes... not your fault you have needs and he looks so cute when he's focused...)

-the drunk chuckle sandwich episode had me thinking about you playing bartender for him and making him different drinks to try since he usually just drinks straight from the bottle. he would say some shit like "i'm ngl i didn't know you could make it taste that good." bc nobody ever really bothered to make him try different cocktails until you

-super domestic dancing in the kitchen to old music. duke ellington and etta james and all different kinds of jazz and old love songs, it doesn't matter bc he is spinning you around and kissing you softly as it plays in the background while he sings to you.

-not to be cringe but he would sooo be into that thing those couples do when the smaller partner says "uppies!" and then the other one picks them up. except it would just be a look you give him and putting your arms out with a grabby motion and he would know.(bc im sorry the thought of saying uppies makes me wanna gag) he would pick you up and carry you around like a koala with your legs wrapped around his torso AND he's happy to do it. but just at home bc like i said he's not really into pda.

-he would so take candid pics of you at golden hour. you'd just be in the living room looking out the window with jambo or {redacted} and admiring the sunset and next thing you know there's a disposable camera or the little girl camera right in your face. he would so say some stupid shit to get you to laugh and then snap the picture. but once he gets one, you force him to hop in the frame while holding the other cat so you can get a cute little family pic while the lighting is good. obviously, you made it your background within the next ten minutes. and he made his background the candid picture of you the second he got the pictures onto his phone.

ok so hi!! i hope these fed you a little im so incredibly new to this whole writing thing but this was a lot of fun for me so if you have any suggestions i think my ask box is open? idk how those work but im sure i can figure it out. thanks for reading i know i yapped quite a bit LMAO

[yumiis]

｡ﾟﾟ･｡･ﾟﾟ｡ ﾟ。 DATING THEM ; SCHLATT

　ﾟ･｡･ﾟ

genre; fluff/comfort

type; headcanons

read below!

I like to think Schlatt jokingly likes PDA. If you guys are around close friends, he'll smack your back end or roughly give you a shoulder massage, just to say "this one's mine", y'know?

If he's drunk however, his love language is suddenly touch x10. He's all over you, hugging you from behind, touching your hair, kissing your forehead and neck, anything you could think of.

He also likes gift giving, but he does it really subtly. If he sees you looking at something for a little bit too long, he'll go back to the store when you're not with him and buy whatever you were looking at.

I like to think most of you guys' quality time together is when he needs someone to help him clean, or vise versa.

When you guys are done cleaning, it turns into a fight with the mops. One time, he accidentally hit you across the head with the mop handle, and he felt horrible. Don't worry, he kissed it all better.

He loves when you show him your music. He has a private collaborative playlist on spotify with just you two. He calls it "THE relationship". You told him that was a silly name for the playlist, but here you are, months later, with that still being the title.

Absolute BED HOGGER. You two will fall asleep spooning, but the way you wake up is NOT how you fell asleep. There was one time you actually woke up half way on the floor. He is also a blanket hogger, which has lead to you both having separate blankets.

Claims he is not a blanket or bed hog, but you have a lot of photo evidence showing otherwise. "I do NOT hog— Okay well.. That was ONE TIME." You show him the album you have called "Jay being a hog". "Okay maybe.. Maybe I am a hog."