#dumbass philip au?

[tf2rocks12]

moreee phil au things, i really like drawing his hair its very pretty

theres two collectors now, since philip brought the disk through the timepools, hes got a primal fear of the older collector and isnt too sure why

also? dancing philip? is so funny? theres no way he can dance he cant ride a bike how is he dancing

[flowery-king]

So in Elsewhere and Elsewhen apparently the reason Philip got his scar was cause he was using palisman to manage his curse and it kept his injured nose from healing. I always thought that on one hand he's able to deal with the effects of the curse now, but in the long run it's very harmful and because of that his nose wasn't able to heal right and it got a lot worse, turning into that giant scar. When Philip expels the palisman from his body does that mean that his scar finally starts to heal properly?

Yea it does! Or atleast it doesn't spread any further. The scars and crooked nose don't just magically disappear hah, he's stuck with those.

I have a headcanon that Canon Philip's face scar is pretty small compared to the marks on his body. His body is covered in this one massive scar wrapping around him like rot and it just continues to spread since he has no intention on stopping the use of Palismen.

Defanged!Philip doesn't use palismen as frequently because he KNOWS it fucks with his body in some way - so it's not as severe, but he is still actively taking it. Sure, the scar has also started wrapping, but the moment he found it started spreading to the rest of his body and crawling into other scars he has, he panicked and decided to just consume palismen only when it starts getting very bad.

Quick doodle of his scar placements :P

[tornrose24]

GREETINGS, NERDS! IT'S YOUR BOY, BILL CIPHER! I HAVE POSSESSED THE BODY OF TORNROSE24 FOR THIS POST IN REGARDS TO MY ROLE IN THAT DISNEY CHANNEL THEMED RESIDENT EVIL VILLAGE AU!

So you likely saw those drawings of that Resident Evil Village Au (hilarious, I know) and are wondering ‘but I want to know more about Bill. Why is his human form some old dude that wouldn’t be useable for a Tumblr sexyman contest? WHERE’S MORE INFORMATION ABOUT BILL AND HOW DID HE TAKE OVER THE PINES?! AND HOW IS HE COMPARABLE TO EVELINE WHEN HE IS FAR SUPERIOR?!’ Well worry not, nerds, for I shall tell you MY side of things:

MY TIME IN THE VILLAGE:

-See, I grew up in that dumb village. The so called ‘Father Belos’ implanted a cadou at me at a young age. I was a massive success, of course, and he decided to make me part of his so-called ‘family.’ As for my real, biological family? Well… the less you know the better. Other than that their remains are somewhere in the surrounding woods.

–FYI, his REAL name is Philip and his big goal is trying to get his big bro back. He already tried the cloning gig and it didn’t work. And he thought he could use MY body to get Caleb back?! Ha! Fat chance, dingus!

-So I was given power and prestige for a time. I had my own lab where I inserted cadou into SEVERAL people and got a few henchmen out of the deal. Meanwhile, I had fun screwing with everyone’s minds and visiting them in their dreams thanks to some good old mental astral projection and what not. (And helping to get rid of anyone unwanted…. Fun times!)

-Those four other lords? They’re losers. I can’t believe they are meant to be my ‘siblings’ as ‘Father’ puts it.

-Oh, but I’ve visited their minds and know their fears! One has nightmares about losing her hunky husband and baby girl. One has nightmares about ‘what could have been,’ being alone, and having guilt issues. One is worried she’ll lose control of her mutation and kill everyone. The other… eh, just typical ‘always rejected by my family’ and weirdly about platypuses for some reason. (That’s the one I go to the most when I want to be amused).

-Ah yes, their heirs… my ‘nieces.’ My personal favorite is Meteora–what an adorable little hellspawn! She tried biting me several times and it’s a ticklish kind of painful! Also she’s already making the best demonic faces and crawling up walls! I hope for the best for her!

–I decided to be funny and visit the girls’ nightmares. Metora is a baby, so there’s not much in her little brain, besides worrying about getting separated from her parents. The others though? One is worried about causing pain to her family and friends and blames herself for it. Another is afraid that Belos is going to find out about ‘the big plan’ (which I won’t spoil, of course). The last one just wants a normal life.

-So I wasn’t too keen on being an underling and tried to take over the village with MY underlings. Unfortunately, the other lords managed to turn on me, my henchmen were dead, and **** brains decided to punish me. He couldn’t kill me himself, so he injected something that would make me age faster than that decaying apple you refused to eat as a kid, instead of aging slowly like the others. (Oh, I wonder if Belos told the two losers who adopted the girls who got injected with cadou that they might age slowly like they will? They will be so PISSED considering those girls still have their biological families around. I think it’s HILARIOUS! Or I don’t know, maybe they aren’t aging slowly. Getting a cadou is the dumbest lottery scam ever.)

–And how did ‘Daddy’ get rid of me? Well Fordsy was visiting the village and I managed to sweet-talk him into taking me home with him. Belos was all too glad to be rid of me.

–What? Was there anything between me and Ford? MIND YOUR DAMN BUSINESS! I’m not telling you anything!

MY TIME WITH THE PINES–

-What a dumbass! Ford took me to his house while his family was there! So I quickly got most of them under my control with the exception of his brother and great-nephew. (Eh, it was easy–I just used a little infection on them). Stan managed to get Dipper away, but little did he know that I infected the boy with something.

–See, as much as I enjoyed having my own ‘family’ I needed to ditch my rapidly aging husk and get a new one. Dipper was initially my best candidate, but I had the others trick several young men and boys into getting to the house so I can infect them and get my new body. Unfortunately, all the bastards died–they weren’t compatible. Meanwhile, I was using my favorite projection as a disguise–a certain triangle form that you all love and want to kiss (you disgusting freaks! I know you love me, but I don’t want EVERYONE’S SALIVA all over me at the same time! One at a time, please!)

–So Dipper realized what was happening to him and–wanting to get his family back–snuck onto the grounds. It was around this time that Heart-Cheeks and her friend, Beauty Mark were tricked into coming to the Pines residence. (I think they were on a summer vacation). I had the Pines snatch Beauty Mark away and they helped me infect him while I left Heart-Cheeks at their mercy.

–Speaking of which, would Mabel count as my ‘daughter?’ I’m sure my nieces would have loved her. Especially that really preppy-happy one.

-Knowing my time was short, I sped up the infection in Dipper and I did it a little too fast because he was starting to crystalize while trying to help Heart-Cheeks. I had better success with Beauty Mark.

–Unfortunately that ASSHOLE Stan eventually came to save his family and teamed up with Heart-Cheeks. Also, Dipper managed to make a serum that Heart-Cheeks used against me and cut off my ability to create illusions and get in people’s head. I. WAS. PISSED!

–Well, the joke’s on her. I left that infection in Beauty Mark, but changed it up a bit. Let’s just say that if Belos knew what it was that I put into the boy, he would immediately get the kid and use him for his ultimate scheme.

-Unfortunately, I DIED. Calcified into dust when Heart-Cheeks smashed me to bits, with some help from some military-looking people. And yes–Stan dealt the final blow. Asshole.

-And I’m now stuck in the Megamycete’s consciousness/realm/whatever you want to call it thanks to the connection some of us share with it. The only way I can have any fun is to give those losers nightmares. Last I heard, the Pines family was freed from my control, Dipper's body went back to normal, and all my victims managed to escape... WHAT KIND OF–?! I wanted violence and trauma, damnit!

-Ah well. Heart-Cheeks will have to deal with Belos and my four ‘siblings’ soon enough.

–Well, looks like my connection is failing and I’ll lose control of this idiot’s body soon. Hope you had fun reading this, because I’m thinking of possessing YOU next. Also, tell your Mom I said hi–I hope you took that DNA test like my canon self suggested.

[sea-owl]

With the Crane x Featherington blended family AU, does Felicity join forces with Hyacinth or are they at odds with one another? Is Lucy and Hermione there?

For reference here is the post

Felicity and Hyacinth are gonna be frenemies in this au. They have all the potential to be best friends but in the begining their goals do not align.

Hyacinth is all for polin and philiose. She likes watching her most committmentphobic siblings act like horny dumbasses for the first time in their lives.

Felicity on the other hand is against polin and philiose. She has some of her own issues to work through. She was partly raised by Phillip and Penelope is this au and she fears the Marina situation happening again. She fears Phillip marrying another woman like Marina and she fears that if Penelope gets married she'll turn into Marina. So she's super protective of them.

Eventually yeah Felicity will come around and the frenemies relationship she has with Hyacinth will melt into them being best friends.

For Lucy and Hermione they probably won't make an appearance. They would be fourteen in time where this story takes place and really have no reason to be at society events.

Now Lucy the barmaid from TSPWL might make an appearance if we go back to Romney Hall. The more I think about it the more I want her to become Gloucestershire's version of Genevieve Delacroix, except she owns a tavern.

Wait I just thought of something hilarious. The brothers vs phillip scene but Felicity is there with her shotgun ready to defend her brother. Meanwhile Penelope is trying to deesclate the situation.

[asknarashikari]

Me just visiting the Igasaki in-laws.

Me: How's the day father?

AU Igasaki-san: *pouring tea* The usual. And we're in mid-winter season.

AU Takaharu: *playing with the kids along*

AU Fuuka: *holding her nephew* You are so cute and chubby.

Everyone enjoying the the day as...

*big explosion somewhere nearby*

Me: Eh...

Everyone: Nani?

Monsters: *burst through*

AU Takaharu: Stand back kids.

MotW: Surrender weakling or *evil dialog here about taking over the world cliche*

Me: Wait a second... *looks closer* Hold up! Something ain't right. *gets closer and rips off the mask* You...

Tsukasa: Ehehehehe... You caught me.

Science Sqaud: *takes off mask* Hi...

Me: Why are you pretending to be MotW?!

Sento: Well...

Philip: We wanted to try out what it looks like being the villains. Soo...

Sento: We created life like costume mimicking villains of old and new.

Me: Go back to your universe! Or I'm gonna make a call or I'll have to imprison you guys in a black hole.

AU Takaharu:Oooo... Daddy is being angry hot right now.

AU Igasaki-san: *spats drink* Takaharu! Don't use that kind of language in front of the family.

AU Fuuka: *smh* *heavy sighs* dumbass onii-chan.

AU Takaharu: I'm sincerely sorry father. It just happens to slip out of my mouth and he really just makes me...

His father & sister: Don't say it.

Them: Uhhh... Damn.

Tsukasa: Even the horny is rubbing off to this particular Takaharu.

Me: Shut up and go.

Them: *leave immediately*

Another day ruined but soon gets fixed back to being normal again.

Ay mai gulay why are these fuckers like this...

[fandomshmandom69]

The height line up for the rip off/ fuck you apartment complex au!

All the characters designs are done :D!

Olly and Philip’s designs have been changed- Philip’s slightly and Olly’s a lot lol

From the left to the right-

Steven (aka Mother Fucker) Moth

Olly Dearest

Balloon Main coon

Philip Darn

Roberto Roberts

Crayon Doodles

Luna Sunlight

Bango Bongos

I’ve posted this before but I’m a dumbass and tagged it wrong 😂

[mentalmeles]

An AU in which Philip decided against killing Caleb and was taken in by him and Wittewife

While living with Wittecouple, not only does Philip learn to overcome his hatred for everything magic, but he also grows rather close to Wittewife, to the point that they consider each other siblings ♥

[philip-wittebound]

Hey Owl house Fandom, what do you guys think Philip's brother's name is? Tell me in the comments! My personal favorite it ✨Edward✨

[glyptark]

The titan: Why are there thousands of deaths on my name?!?

Belos: Titan, I'm a ✨💅material girl💅✨ psychopath

I was gonna draw serious promo art for what seems like a super important/traumatizing episode but my pigeon brain went "cottagecore Belos that's a material girl'

[azultecnicolor]

Imagine North Yankton and everything is the same but the only difference is that Franklin is part of the team, imagine Michael actually trusting him enough to tell him that he doesn't want to be part of The Game anymore and Franklin understanding him...would have Michael made the deal with the FIB???? what would have been Franklin's reaction to Trevor and Brad giving shit to Michael because he has a family and doesn't take many risks anymore??????? maybe Michael made a deal with Dave and then tells Franklin because he knows he fucked up? would he say fuck you to both and part ways??? or maybe choose a side?? WOULD HE HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN KILLING MICHAEL OR TREVOR (and brad, who cares about brad) AT THE END?????? MAYBE TREVOR REALLY LOSES HIS SHIT WHEN HE KNOWS THAT MICHAEL ACTUALLY WANTS TO QUIT??? WHAT WOULD HE DO?????WHAT WOULD EVERYONE DO?????

[flowery-king]

Guys what if i made him nice

[corpse-bl0g]

Having a huge Philip brainrot rn cause like get this,,,,

Ordinary but like w/ philip

[teehewz]

I haven’t really drawn on my normal tablet pretty much since I got the ipad but it has a bit of a different feel to it that I have missed, even if my lines are garbage.

I’ve been listening to old playlists tonight and I feel like a sad clown

[angelic-writer]

For the headcanons Chzo Mythos High School AU Victor

Victor is the kid who was on the honor roll, getting good grades on all of his subjects. Math is the only subject that Victor has a bit of trouble on, especially Trigonometry. Philip likes to tease him lightly on this, but he understands that Trig is a really hard subject.

Philip: Trust me, buddy. When you end up getting to learn Calculus, you're gonna need a triple shot latte.

Victor: I'd rather jump in the river Thames than learn about Calculus.

Victor is the student council president with Adam as the vice president. His peers are like "Who voted for this snippy man?" "All of us, dumbass." "Why though?" "Dude, do you think I know that?" At times when the work is too much, the two friends take a break to go out at night, have a smoke or two. Victor tried giving Adam a smoke one time, but it didn't go well so he stopped.

Victor has a bad habit of jumping into rivers. He doesn't know why he does it. Maybe it's the thrill or the adrenaline rush he gets from it. Adam gave Victor a bottle of vodka one time and he got really drunk. In his drunken state, he decided to jump in the river. Like "Wouldn't it be cool if I jump in this river?" and Adam is like "No?? Don't do that???" Despite Adam warning him, Victor jumps in the water. Since alcohol causes people to become disoriented when they're in the water... Well, let's just say that Victor almost drowns and Adam has to save him. That incident resulted in them making out. They both agreed to never bring it up.

Victor is considered to be the goth kid in school. He likes to listen to emo music like Radiohead and Linkin Park.

In addition to health class being one of the classes in the honor roll, Victor carries a litany of epi-pens in his backpack. Why so many considering how expensive they are? Well, he comes from a rich family and his uncle works as a doctor. He tends to keep an eye on his friends who have allergies, mainly Simmons who just can't stop himself from trying to eat peanuts.

As mentioned before, Victor's parents are rich and are considered one of the most prolific families alongside the Somersets and Quinns. You'd think having a family like that would be great for Victor. Well, the problem is... His parents are, let's just say, conservative. Long story short, Victor was in the closet for the entirety of his high school years.

Sometimes, he would get overwhelmed with everything. His schoolwork, his parents’ expectations, his confusion over who he is. It’s a lot to take in for a teenager. So, he’d vent to either his friends or one of his classmates, Leslie. They understand what Victor is going through, them discovering themselves as either agender or nonbinary. To please both of their parents, they decide to pretend to date each other. Victor will get the “girlfriend” he wanted and Leslie would have someone who appreciates them for being “feminine.” When they’re in the vicinity of their parents, Victor would use “she/her” pronouns to address Leslie, Leslie would dress in more feminine clothes and Victor would compliment them, telling them how beautiful they are. Both of their parents are very happy that their children are becoming more “like them” and started talking about possible wedding plans for them.

It destroyed Victor. This isn’t what he wanted. He doesn’t want to live in a lie just to please his parents. He’d rather die than conform to his parent’s expectations. Eventually, they decide to “break up” with each other, but Victor goes overboard, telling them that he hated being with them, that every time he had to lie to his parents, it made him want to die more and more. Every day of living with the fact that he is not like his dad was torture.

“Sometimes... Sometimes I wish I’d died in that river. I wish Adam didn’t save me!”

When he sees that he reduced Leslie to tears, he tries to apologize, but Leslie says it’s fine. They’ll be okay.

Later, Victor calls his friend group and is like “Okay, I’ll stay with one of you guys.” And later, Leslie sent him a text saying “Don’t worry too much about me. I’ll be okay. We needed to sell the act and to be honest, you aced your performance. But now, I’m really concerned for you. I think maybe you should see the school counselor. You don’t have to tell your parents about anything. It’ll be confidential between you and him.”

“To tell you the truth, I enjoyed going out with you, Victor. Even if it’s a lie, I really did like you. But I know that’s not what you want. So, hopefully we can still be friends?”

Victor texts back “Yeah. Of course we will.”

[forineffablereasons]

oh my god. P l e a s e tell me more about your 10 things i hate about you au idea

as with all good au it is ofc 10 things but a little to the left

a) crowley as heath ledger notorious bad boy with secret heart of gold. did he kill a guy? he would like you to think “maybe” but all he did was drive a golf cart into a cell phone tower. will he give you the guitar of your dreams? yes

b) aziraphale as julia stiles and gabriel as the little sister. so it’s gabriel who’s like, i want to go to the prom! and aziraphale is like struggling with heteronormativity and so he feels like he should also want to go to through with the prom but he doesn’t want to and he keeps putting off any preparations, including turning down several invitations for dates, the chance to go tux shopping - can’t he just wear what he likes? to gabriel’s frustration. instead of the overbearing dad who’s crazy about teen pregnancy it’s just an absentee parent. 

c) gabriel asks crowley to Tempt aziraphale so that aziraphale will go to the prom. crowley thinks this is probably a bad idea but gabriel pays well and like, pshaw. what does he care. (turns out he cares a lot.)

d) cue crowley showing up to places he’ll know aziraphale will be. casually reading a first edition. eating fine french pastries in the grass and offering to share. he has an opinion on modern composers (philip glass is overrated) intended to spark a good-hearted argument. crowley sneaks him out of his window one night to go star-gazing with stolen wine and chocolates. they kiss. 

e) the next day aziraphale and gabriel have this huge fight and he finds out from gabriel that gabriel was paying crowley all along. devastation! he blows crowley off - exactly what i always knew you were going to be!

i barely remember the movie/play at this point but who cares! not i! 

f) crowley sings you’re just too good to be true somewhere but not in public because that was cute in the 90s but aziraphale’s a little shy and also that would pressure him. instead it’s very softly sung from start to finish in some like. garden. botanical garden maybe? have y’all been to the japanese tea garden in san antonio? there are all these paths up in the woods around this huge quarry turned koi pond. basically like that. soft, sunlight streaming in through the leaves, heartfelt. 

g) aziraphale lets crowley kiss him again, but ultimately is like, i don’t even know you. not the real you. we have nothing whatsoever in common, i don’t even like you! we’re not friends! (bandstand scene!) and leaves him behind because i love an act four false ending!

h) act five! aziraphale finds out that gabriel has always intended to go to prom regardless of absentee parent’s perspective and absentee parent doesn’t actually really care whether or not aziraphale goes; gabriel doesn’t care either and just laughs at the idea that aziraphale did care, though he does say that no, he didn’t tell crowley what to do or how to do it, it was just a strict fee. so all those interactions, while motivated by money, were crowley. crowley had to think all that up on his own. and everything aziraphale felt was…..not fake. he felt it. he knew it. 

i) he races to the prom where crowley is putting vinegar in the punch bowl. he looks very nice. they say hey, very awkward. crowley avoiding him. aziraphale finally says, listen, please listen, i. have maybe been a little bit foolish. and i think that perhaps well. we do have something in common. and maybe i do like you. and crowley is just like. maybe? and aziraphale’s like. all right, not maybe. definitely. i like you. i……love you. 

j) and crowley just…..shines. his face opens up and he smiles and he takes aziraphale’s hands and they are closer and closer and closer and crowley asks if he can kiss him and aziraphale says quite breathlessly that he thinks he’d better, so crowley does, and then it’s just the two of them in the shadows during some dumbass prom with balloons on the floor all around them and crowley pressing aziraphale back against the wall while kiss me by sixpence none the richer plays and the screen cuts to black 

thank u thank u thank u very much

[americanphancakes]

For a prompt how about: home invasion

Anonymous saidpick your favorite kind of au and do a spin on it 

OKAY so I only wrote a part one for this because I’m not sure where I want the plot to go exactly. But I wanted to share the first part of this because it’s kind of hilarious, haha.

But my favorite trope is fake relationship, and I figure “home invasion” would be an interesting spin on it… plus, I got to put a fun spin on home invasion too? :)

Word count: ~1.3k

***********

Dan crouched behind the hedge and held his walkie talkie up to his mouth, ready to let his partner know when the posh couple inhabiting this ridiculously ornate house had left for the night. He waited a moment as he watched them walk back and forth across the front window, adding more outerwear and accessories to themselves with each pass. Eventually they were ready, but they seemed to disappear between the window and front door. That means the security system panel is right there, Dan thought with a smirk. Finally, the front door swung open.

“Door is open, get ready.”

“Roger that.”

The posh couple, layered with outerwear and hats to brave the cool midwinter evening, finally left the house. They got into their car, started it up, and pulled away from the house.

“It’s clear, go now! Go go go!”

Dan watched the house as his partner, Phil, emerged from an adjacent patch of landscaped trees and approached the front door. He picked the lock on the front door with ease, and Dan quickly followed as he entered the house.

While Phil looked for any handheld electronics that might be lying around, Dan applied a clear sticker to the security panel to see which keys had the most oil from finger contact on them.

“Thank God it’s a Lockwizard,” Dan said. “Makes this much easier.”

This particular brand of security panel required a minimum four-digit pin to arm and disarm, and most users didn’t go any further than that. It also had a time-based lockout of 1 minute rather than a number of tries. Dan could literally brute force the alarm system using the digits the user typically hit (1, 3, 7, and 9 in this case) as many times as he liked without fear of lockout as long as he got it in under a minute, and it wasn’t hard for him to enter 16 combinations in under 60 seconds at this point in his thieving career.

So Dan tried the first possible combination.

“One… three… seven… nine,” he muttered as he typed. He hit the star key.

“Disarmed,” the LCD screen read.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Dan said aloud.

“What?” Phil asked.

“One three seven nine,” he said.

“You’re joking!”

“Nope!”

“Amateurs.”

“Right?”

Dan and Phil proceeded to quickly track down as many small-but-expensive items as they could find. They were only a two-man team so stealing televisions and computers was out of the question, but they knew a house like this could land them a ton of jewelry.

After eight years of working together, they had a pretty good system - one looked upstairs, the other down, making sure not to leave a mess as they went through the home. Then, as they left, they reset the alarm. This made it less likely that their targets even realized they’d been robbed until they looked for something specific and couldn’t find it. Dan and Phil worked in sync, moving as fast as they could to make sure they had enough time to cover their tracks.

Once the home was cleared of the priciest things, they headed out, resetting the alarm and locking the door.

***

Phil, unfortunately, had a bit of a weakness for jewelry. So, for a few of his favorite pieces, he often held onto them rather than selling them like he was supposed to. This bothered Dan, who had anxiety issues and was sure Phil would wear something in public that gave them away. In the end, though, he always let it go, finding Phil’s love for all things shiny more endearing than anything else. Besides, the pieces Phil normally wore were understated and didn’t draw much attention.

What Dan didn’t notice is that when Phil’s mother came to London to visit them, Phil had slipped on a very elegant ring he rather liked. While Dan may not have seen it, a mother’s eye often tends to gravitate toward one particular finger on one particular hand whenever she visits her child.

“Oh! Phil! What’s that I see?” Mrs. Lester said over dinner, holding her son’s left hand up so she could get a look at the delicately-gemmed gold ring on his ring finger.

“Uh… it’s a ring!” Phil said.

Dan’s eye moved toward Phil’s left hand, and he saw it. A ring he recognized from their last job. He choked on his wine but did his best to cover it up. He smiled politely, trying not to give away the amount of internal screaming he was doing.

“You two?” Mrs. Lester continued with a delighted gasp, her eyes wide and face bright with hope. Phil still hadn’t quite caught on yet. “Oh, I always knew you were in love. A mother can always tell, you know!”

Now Phil had caught on, and was rendered speechless.

“Yep, us two!” Dan said, his teeth clenched. “Actually, do you mind if he and I talk for just a minute?”

Before Mrs. Lester could answer, Dan yanked Phil up by the arm and dragged him over to the corner where the toilets could be found.

“You’re wearing a ring from a job?” Dan hissed as quietly as he could while still conveying his anger. “On THAT hand?! What were you thinking?”

Phil, red-faced, was still mostly frozen in panic. “I don’t know! I was just putting it on because I liked it.”

“What, did you just not realize that was the engagement and wedding ring hand, you complete and total spork!?”

“I was in a hurry!”

“What the hell are we gonna do? Your mum thinks we’re engaged now! It’s not like we can tell her ‘oh no, we’re just professional thieves who stole that ring and your son is a dumbass who didn’t know what finger that was’ now can we? We’d be disappointing her on three levels! And honestly I really don’t wanna do that to your mum, she’s way too nice.”

“Well, you heard her, she’s thought we were dating for ages already. We’ve worked together so long, we never date anyone else since our job makes that so tricky… we should just… pretend we’ve really been together?”

Dan took a calming breath and folded his arms. “Just for tonight?”

“Just for tonight. Then in a couple of weeks when she calls to see how we’re doing, we can say we broke up. Decided we were better as friends or whatever.”

Dan sighed loudly, throwing his arms to his sides in resignation. “What other choice do we have?”

Phil shrugged, his face hopeful. “We’d better get back out there.”

“Alright. She’ll ask how I proposed though, what should we say?”

“You got down on one knee in the lounge while we were watching a particularly sexy episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?”

“Works for me.” Dan smirked. “It sounds like exactly what would happen with us, too.”

Phil chuckled in response.

“Shall we, then?” Dan asked.

“Yes. Let’s… shall.”

Dan smiled and rolled his eyes. “You really are a spork.”

“Hey, sporks are useful!”

***

They went back to the table, where they found Mrs. Lester smiling kindly. “I’m going to guess I wasn’t meant to see that just yet,” she offered.

“Ah, yeah, well… you know how it is.” Dan chuckled nervously and drank more wine.

“We weren’t planning on telling everyone yet, is all,” Phil said by way of half-assed explanation.

“It’s okay,” Mrs. Lester said. “I won’t tell your father just yet!” She winked and looked at her menu. “I do feel like this is a special occasion that calls for a nicer-than-usual dinner, though, don’t you agree?” She leaned in towards Phil. “I’ll pay!” she whispered loudly.

“Oh, you don’t have to do that, Mu–”

“I insist, Philip! I want to celebrate my boys finally making it official.” She reached across the table and held one of each of their hands and smiled warmly.

Dan winced a bit at her calling them “my boys.” He felt a bit nauseous. It felt as though he was in for the greatest, most difficult heist of his entire life.