#dying cuz i love how this isnt the first time someone thought that

[revelarete]

OH MY GOD YOUR URL IS A TWEWY REFERENCE I ONLY JUST GOT IT. I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY IT WAS ABOUT ERASING FACES I THOUGHT IT MUST HAVE BEEN A SONG TITLE OR SOMETHING AJSKABSJSBS

OMGFHDHDISOS

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket,Se03, Ep 8 (part 1)

“ I hate myself, so much, so intensely, so completely, I wish I just go away, disappear for good, & yet in the end, I always protect myself, instead of taking responsibility, I run away every damn time, like now, I’m too scared to even look at your face”. The real kyo under the layers of trauma.

This quotation is why this ep is not abt romance. Instead it is abt: Extreme self-loath, faulty coping mechanism, self-awareness & inability to make correct decisions due to suicidal thoughts & non-existent self-worth.  

This is a guy who’s literally seen death TWICE at the age of 4 & 15 (his mom & kyoko), is trying to avoid the THIRD (tohru’s) & is questioning why the FOURTH isnt happening (his own death).

-The layers of a broken self: Excellent writing:

I applaud the writer for choosing fitting methods to portray her characters’ own trauma. Yuki “ prince” mask & tohru’s “i’m okay” mask were fitting to hide their trauma & uncover the real personalities. However, since kyo would be the character to hide secrets & carry guilt, the viewers need to feel he’s hiding sth w/o knowing what it is. It was done cleverly to (a) tie the plot together, (b) build kyo’s character, (c) fit the climax, (d) suit his trauma of severe guilt & self-loath. Some of the things he does can fit two genuine layers: Both layers are true:

His initial refusal to open up to tohru in early se01. (Surface layer): he doesn't know how to interact with ppl who accept him as he confessed to shigure, (Deeper layer): he avoided tohru cuz he knew her!

He initially refused to join leisure activities & trips: hot spring & kyoto trip (Surface layer): he didn’t want to go with yuki (Deeper layer) he didnt want to spend time with tohru as he was unconsciously feeling that he’s stealing from her.

It killed him to see her true lonely self behind her fake mask & approached her with advice. se1, ep5 (grandpa house), se1, ep23 (sick tohru), se2, ep 8 (hiro’s remarks) & other instances.  (Surface layer): he was noticing her issues, & genuinely wanted to help her cuz he’s kind (Deeper layer) he was falling in love w/her & unconsciously wanted her to be happy with HIM.

There were times when there was ONE layer, such as: kyoko’s 1st grave visit. He was so off, rigid, unresponsive, & completely shut down. Everybody read him. Yuki, tohru, Arisa & hana. they just don’t know why he behaving like that. his trauma manifested itself deeply that he apologized to tohru in her sleep cuz he was “ too scared to even look at your face”.

- Kyo’s trauma takes physical shape: (Clutching his heart: PAIN, clutching his stomach : DISGUST) :

While confessing to tohru, kyo’s features spoke volumes. You can see disrepair, guilt, broken soul, sadness & surrender. His body reflected his emotions:

wide eyes (disbelief), Cat eyes (utter fear)

trembling body (overwhelmed with toxic emotions)

clutching his fists (anger at self) , opening fists (surrender to darkness)

hand covering face (shame), Hand around neck as he finished confessing abt kyoko & yuki (desire for death: the final judgement)

The most focused physical appearance was his fist clutching his heart: he was in so much pain as he narrated how he loved kyoko & found a friend in her, desired to make her happy, to find tohru for her, how his his mom withered away out of fear of him & how pitiful & sad he felt towards tohru for loving someone like him. It broke his heart to see them all suffer after knowing him. All the love he felt for them squeezed his heart tight, he wanted to pull it & rip it away. Above all, he was sad to loose them all. Sad he can’t be wit them.

Then he clutched his stomach: representing the pure disgust he felt at himself. As he realized that there is no escape from being responsible for their death, as he admitted he illogically blamed yuki, his disgust with himself boiled in his stomach. What kind of disgusting horrible person does that? blame someone illogically? I’m horrible, hateful & utterly undeserving to be forgiven. Being disgusted with one’s own self! oof! it was so well-done with animation!

-Tying Mature Themes with Child Trauma:

Through kyo’s story, there were different mature themes that excellently dictate his behavior, mentality & emotional well-being: Excellent writing!

(1) The desperate need for self-worth: To be good for once!

by constantly destroying his self-worth thro contempt (the sohmas), rejection (his mom), hate (his father), pity (kazuma/ kagura, initially), kyo searched for an outlet to be a worthy human. Someone who deserves to be loved for who he is. He found that in kyoko. It is brilliant that kyo didn’t look for a mom in kyoko. He called her “ old hag”, she told him unflattering facts abt herself “ neglecting her daughter”. she was his first real friend. He found comfort being with her. He wanted to return the intimate feeling he felt deep down, kyo is so hung up on giving as much as taking as it contradicts the notion of pity. The opportunity came! Helping her find her daughter! being someone who does good! Return the daughter & feel worthy of being a true friend, a man (aka a person). “ i’ll help her, I’ll protect her for sure! it’s a man’s promise” The promise in its core is abt kyo wanting to be a person. Not a monster, or a cat. A true real boy. Away from all the toxic past emotions. Being a man: means being a big boy (person) with good achievements! All this shattered when a better boy beats him to it. The boy who was always praised, loved & respected! kyo’s self-worth diminished greatly & all the toxic emotions came back!

(2) The downfall of faulty coping mechanism: Creating a Bad Guy:

I stated before that one of my fave scenes of kyo was in se02, ep23 when kyo lashed out at yuki on the stairs upon seeing the hat & how yuki felt nothing but pity towards kyo as he was stuck in the past while yuki moved on. Brilliant scene that explains why one moved on & the other didn;t. Yuki’s faulty coping mechanism was being withdrawn & shutting himself. This coping mechanism didnt make him feel better at all!!! Also, he doesn’t have regrets nor sins, he dealt with his faulty coping mechanism with tohru’s help & the school council & healed gradually. Forever loving the writer for writing the distinction between kyo & yuki logically without painting any as monster in reality. Kyo couldn’t do as yuki for the following reasons: ( remember the old theme of everybody heals on their own pace? love it )

(a) He was addicted to shifting the blame as it made him feel better abt himself!! he shifted his thoughts from “ I wanna go away for good” “ mom, why didn’t you kill me instead” to “ it’s not my fault at all, it’s yuki” No match between the two feelings! one leads to suicide, the other leads to feeling like a mere victim. The two feelings are wrong tho & He knows that! he isn’t ready to stop the drug. He can’t face himself. “ the bad guy, if he isn’t as awful as you think, who you’re left to blame”.

(b) nothing around him can make him feel better. Tohru? but she’s kyoko’s daughter! she’s a lonely orphan, carrying her mommy’s pic taking to it! why? cuz you didn't save her! Loving tohru? is good & I wish we can run away far & be together always! wake up! why would she wanna be with a disgusting monster like you?!! You dont deserve her! you who caused his mom to die, caused her mom to die, blamed an innocent guy! Yuki? yeah, look at yuki, you can never be like him, watch as his true kindness gets noticed by tohru, the school & everybody!! he’s everything you cant be!! he should be with tohru! not you!! Master kazuma? poor guy! you brought him nothing but misery! you see his sad smile, don’t you? he’s disappoint in you. Kagura? she pities you!

(b) Kyo can’t fix his mistakes. kyo watched as yuki got back with his brother, befriended haru again, goes back to the sohma estate for the holidays. he feels he cant have similar reweds as he cant bring the things he needed. his mom, kyoko, his bio dad’s affection, kazuma’s pride in him, tohru’s love & his own satisfaction at himself. kyo just hates kyo “so much, so intensely, so completely”

(c) his fault coping mechanism mirrors his dad’s. Kids pick up toxic habits from parents all the time. Even his suicidal thoughts mirrors his mom’s! brilliant writing!

3- running away from responsibilities: perfectly constructed theme!

Who didn’t? I’m guilty! ugh! one of the best themes in furuba hands down! Any other writer would have made kyo do it once, or twice & have him face it in climax & then deal with it. but NOT takaya-san! She excellently took her time with kyo repeating this exact mistakes over & over to better portray the theme & take it out from the boundaries of story-telling to realistic depiction & logical gradual progression:

kyo ran away from being accused of killing his mom (he’s completely innocent & isn’t responsible for his birth’s deformity/curse nor his mom’s suicide)

kyo ran away from accepting kyoko’s words that yuki isnt bad & most importantly that kyo is good. He had found relief in blaming yuki, now you wanna tell me I should look into myself? I’m bad! i dont wanna look. your words are weird “ no bad or good”  Everybody says otherwise, the sohmas, dad & mom! kyo angrily ran away (completely guilty but excused as child would be).

kyo ran away from facing kyoko’s body & wanted to punish himself with death. Depression took over him as “ master tried to get me to keep living”. (completely guilty in his own eyes, if only he tried to safe her, even if he transformed, Even if she still died regardless!!! he hates himself for choosing the disgusting kyo over the kind kyoko)

kyo ran away from telling tohru the truth upon seeing her, pretended not to know her, slowly dying each time she smiles, slowly falling in love & wishing for a chance with her, a chance he believes doesn't deserve.

Kyo ran away in se01, ep14 when remembering the accident as shigure  triggered him. Tohru consoled him & he lost the chance to come clean.

kyo is running away now. Unable to face her “ too scared to even look at your face”. “ I cant forgive me! I dont want you to fogive me either”

So, after running away the first time, kyo should’ve learned better, right? now in the climax, he shouldn’t  have run away? Yes, he should. cuz simply, he isnt ready. We dont learn from our mistakes cuz someone told us. we learn when we fix the core issue. A guy who thinks he deserves a chance in life would stand tall, confess his sins, argues, talks, tells the story unbiased,  then waits for verdict. kyo thinks he doesn’t deserve to be alive, thus, tells the story with server bias towards judging himself as unworthy. HE decided the verdict & didnt wait for tohru: “ I cant forgive ME! I dont want you to forgive me either” That’s why toru’s words fall flat. “ why cant you see the truth: I love you” he can’t tohru!! cuz right now it is NOT abt love. It is abt trauma!

4- Sever guilt & desire for disappearance (death):

As adults our mistakes loom over us & we’re constantly reminded of the “ what if I had acted differently”. This ties with kyo witnessing his mom’s horrible death at 4 years old. Death in itself is scary. A loved ones death is devastating. Watching it unfold in shocking unprepared way is destructive. kyo was destroyed. Not enough: he gotta carry the guilt as his dad & the sohma hammer the accusations. He gets another chance & loves another person. Only to watch the blood splash reach his shoes. “Guilty” whispers the past. “Guilty” confirms the present. He stands in front of the most precious person to him. Now what? If tohru forgives you, the pain goes away???? You wouldn’t repeat the ultimate mistake of killing her, would you? you ominous creature. Her mom warned you. The nightmare stands hovering over kyo’s head, waiting to come true. IT WILL COME TRUE!!! OMG!!!

if Akito does it. It wouldn’t be kyo’s fault, right?  If the car hit kyoko, it’s not my fault, right? if my mom did it herself, it wouldn’t be my fault, right?

But if only kyo didnt ran away, tohru would be alive. If only I pulled kyoko, she wouldn’t have died. If only I wasn’t born, mom wouldn't have killed herself.

The “ if only “ that killed kyo’s mom as she lamented “ if only I gave birth to the rat” will eventually destroy kyo! ugh!!! AMAZING WRITING!!!

5- The Right Time to Heal (self-desire or outside help?):

When yuki was trapped in Akito’s room, haru visited to help. did yuki accept it? NO. yuki didnt even remember much of it. Why? cuz it wasn’t the right time & yuki was too deep into darkness to notice, to accept & to change. It wasnt until he was out, in co-ed school, rebelling against akito, when tohru came, he accepted her, then it lead him to accept School Council & haru. Tohru had Arisa & hana, but never went to them in her darkest moment, hiding she was living in a tent, they were hurt & confronted her, still she kept hiding her fears, sadness & darkest thoughts, interfering in Arisa’s life to provide help, but never allowing them to interfere, until kyo came & broke her mask, she started to complain, talk, show true emotions & want things! She opened up to Isuzu, too. Arisa & hana weren’t the right ppl at the right time for tohru to heal. Kyo had kazuma to teach him better, kyoko to make him notice his mistakes, tohru to love him unconditionally, the right ppl, but all that was in the wrong time cuz he’s in his darkest moment now like yuki was, unable to see or accept. Healing requires self-desire & outside help, but it gotta be in the right moment, when you can see beyond the abyss & into the faint light of dawn. That’s when words will reach the heart. Kyo need to fall so hard, in order to stand up again. Today, he unloaded his burden, threw up the disgust he felt towards himself, spewed all the hate against the real bad guy: himself! Kyo is kyo’s bad guy, has always been. He needs to let go of hating himself & accept the kind gentle kyo that kyoko & tohru saw ~

Side Notes:

This ep is why furuba wins & deserves 20 years of recognition among manga-readers! this story is real! it is NO sweet fairy tale of two lovers. It is abt one’s self & desire to live. All of them struggle with  this particular desire: kyo, tohru, yuki & the rest.

kid kyo was looking for young tohru all night! T_T

this ep of kyo confessing/ narrating his past , reminded me of yuki’s 3 eps of him confessing/ narrating his past!!! ugh! I wish tohru had that! ahhhh.

The 4 months in the mountains weren’t training!!!!! they were depression & suicidal thoughts! ouch!!

Perspectives are what dictate our feelings: Through yuki’s eyes, kyo was so happy with a loving father, friends around him & a house outside the sohmas. Thus, yuki envied him & wished to die not knowing kyo was living in trauma & feeling utter contempt & self-loath. Through kyo’s eyes, yuki was so happy with a living loving family, friends around him & a house with respect. Thus, kyo envied him & wished to die Not knowing that yuki was suffering abuse & neglect!

I love the pacing of this ep!!! It gives room to feel pain & understand the situation!!! I didn’t feel the headache of the bullet train!! THANK GOD!!! SO SATISFIED!!! I was invested all the time!

kyoko’s “ I’ll never forgive you” really destroyed kyo & went beyond it to destroy her own daughter! AAAAAAHHHH ~ T_T

I have some issues with the “ I forgot” part. It makes no sense that they make him forget the accident only to do the cheap cliff hanger in ep 6, then lazily weave it into his confession to tohru in ep. 8. He always remembered the accident. Apologized to tohru in her sleep in se01. ep14 for that exact accident, Then in se02, ep 9. It was ALWAYS in his mind! ALWAYS. Sorry Mr. Director. very lame try. lol.

The only thing I didn’t like is the music! very weird choices throughout the ep! especially at the end. Why a happy music over kyo’s “ I’m disappointed in you? lol!! its sad & tragic?! weird!!!!

I will talk abt Tohru will be in part 2. (her choice, kyo’s answer to her & the need to let go of her mom, the sohmas & of... kyo.

[boognish-worshipper]

Remember the Rain

praying this is the final part of “Sunrise, Sunset” by the time i’m done omg ,, lamar finally talks it out with frank. i was tryna keep the titles consistent with a sky theme? wasn’t sure what to name this one at first, but i settled on naming it after a i song that i felt was sorta fitting lol ,, also lamar’s dramatic when drunk, that’s jus how it’s gonna be

oh and i included one last convo w/ that psychic lady bc each character got three opportunities to speak to her lol

//

The night Franklin and him fought was the third night in a row Lamar couldn’t sleep right. Then it became four. Then five. Six. He had hoped after the first couple days of Franklin being mad, that it’d all blow over and things would go back to normal. That he wouldn’t ever have to say anything about what he felt deep down. Even though he told himself he had to, he wouldn’t. He waited it out, and still hoped it would all just fucking blow over. That wasn’t what happened of course.

An overcast sky was spread over LS, light rain tapping against Lamar’s window. As cheesy as it was, it reflected how he felt. Another day had passed. Franklin wasn’t picking up, not even reading his texts, nothing. He called a couple times at first when the fourth day of the silent treatment occurred, then tried a few more times to contact him in the following days. It had grown into a long and sad string of texts.

franklin.

dog

plz

pick up

answer me

plz?

c’mon frank i told you i have nothin goin on with yo auntie

i wanna talk things out with you.

u ain’t let me finish explaining

text me when u read this. plz bro

He sighed. This was hopeless. He set his phone aside, still laying awake. A buzz came right after. Fucking finally, something.

fuck you

we got nothin to discuss

He didn’t know how to feel. This was fucking him up and he couldn’t think straight. He tried calling him once more, the ringing as he waited for a pick up mocking him. Voicemail yet again. How many messages had he tried leaving at this point?

for fucks sake frank pick up

u ain’t doin this to me rn

jus let me explain myself

He stared at the ceiling yet again, like it would have all the answers sprawled out for him. As he did, he focused on how the rain had picked up, coming down harder. Then he felt his phone buzz.

no

now stop blowing my phone up

i’m tryna sleep

Lamar was never one to be sensitive, but he felt so crushed right now that all he could do was cry silently to himself. He didn’t even have Chop around anymore to comfort him like he normally would whenever Lamar was going through something. Would he even see him again? He lived over at Frank’s now. Fuck. Did this mean they’d have to share custody now? If he wasn’t so upset, he most likely would’ve laughed at the idea of it. He was letting bad thoughts consume him, turning to a last minute resort of drinking to try stopping it. This kind of thing rarely happened to him, these kind of feelings weren’t common. He knew no other method of trying to stuff bad feelings down, working through a 6 pack of beer on his own, followed by a bottle of some type of random liquor. Anything to stifle the pain in his chest, although it didn’t accomplish much other than making him feel even more queasy. He left one last voicemail, choking back a sob. Or what he had thought would be the last one. He lost count.

“Franklin. Please jus’ talk to me already man. You- you believin’ what you wanna believe right now, you ain’t even givin’ me a chance. You my best fuckin’ friend, don’t that mean shit to you anymore? We.. homies n shit.” He sniffled, cringing to himself when he said the words “best friend”. Franklin was so much more than that to him.

“Ion… Ion think I can live without you in my life. You can’t hate me man that shit.. that’s fucked. This is fucked. I’m fucked.”

A strong feeling of humiliation hung around him for many reasons, one being that he was fully crying now, over the phone. He couldn’t get any lower.

“You jus’ mad right now. But you.. you won’t be, eventually. Right? Please get back to me soon. Please. I’d rather fuckin’.. die or sum’ than have you hatin’ me n shit. At this point I might as well.”

After hanging up, he decided to visit that site one last time. His tears blurred his vision, making it harder to type. The shit in his system didn’t help either.

lady

i fuckef up

thsi is yo faukt

What now? Why are you back?

frankljn hates me

He does? That’s not right.

damn straighy it fuckign isnt

No, I mean that’s not correct.

There’s no way that he could, even if it seems like it right now.

jus fuckin tell me whst to do

That’s out of my hands.

is not u fuckin wirch

*withc

*witch

Look, I really don’t know how else to help you. I don’t have any other visions to offer. You’re on your own.

They do say though, that dreams are visions themselves.

dont fukcin speak in riddles rn

Precognition, Lamar. Just have faith

prewhatnow

n yeah. faith. bc that helps so fuckn much

All I can say to you is good luck - it’s all coming together. Just wait.

th fuck does that mean?

It means that you’re stressing too much - you better sleep it off. Farewell Lamar. You’re gonna have a killer hangover you know…

SERVICE UNAVAILABLE. PLEASE TRY AGAIN LATER.

The notification did nothing but make him more upset. He calmed down eventually, the crying and alcohol tiring him out. He blacked out soon after, not remembering when he fell asleep.

For the first time in a while, he dreamt about the two of them. The start of the dream showed a radiant sight before them, the sky lit up in a million shades. Chop was laying beside Franklin, head on his thigh. All three of them sat on a grassy knoll, a soft breeze blowing through each blade. Franklin turned, Lamar not taking his eyes off him since the dream started. He only noticed the sky’s wide color palette because the intensity struck Franklin’s face just right. He looked right into Lamar’s eyes, speaking softly.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“What?”

“You had so many opportunities. So many times, I thought that you would. I got my hopes up, you know. I waited. When Tanisha left.. I only had you.”

“Tanisha..”

“I still love her. I.. I think apart of me always will, but I love you just the same. Even if you drive me up a Goddamn wall sometimes. You both mean the world to me.”

Franklin looked back at the view ahead. A heavenly indigo replaced the vivid hues from before.

“But she’s gone now. Shit ain’t the same. All I know is you stayed when she didn’t. Even when she got pulled outta the hood and made some kinda new life for herself, you never left my side. Never changed yo loyalties.”

He turned back to face Lamar again. His eyes were glassy, the glow of the midnight sky reflecting in them.

“So why didn’t you say somethin’ sooner?”

“Franklin.. I ain’t deduce that shit ‘til now.“

“You really didn’t know?”

Even in the dream he could feel that previous frustration occur in his mind. Was he hiding in a glass closet or something? He could only let out a wry laugh.

“Yeah man. I was a fuckin’ fool, jus’ like you always said.”

“Damn straight.” He chuckled, and Lamar came to the conclusion that he could listen to that laugh forever. Franklin’s face then fell solemn.

“Y’know I really thought that.. I really thought that you jus’ got with someone else. Not even jus’ my Aunt. I saw how you wanted to get away from me, and I thought…” He stopped himself, petting Chop’s head.

“I.. wanted to be happy if you was, but the thought of that at all bothered me.”

“Why?”

“Cuz you were all I had, dog. Mike n Trevor, they have their own lives, their own history n shit. I can’t always rely on them. Denise don’t give a fuck what happen to me. You my lifeline dog, I’ve known you for years. I didn’t want you to forget me over a chick or sum’. That day you acted all different n shit, it worried me.”

“Hey man, y’know I ain’t ever gon pull that shit on you. I’m with you for life.”

“Then don’t pull other kinda stupid shit on me.”

“Whatchu mean?”

“You can’t ever die on me bro. That ain’t how this shit works.”

“Ay man, I don’t plan on dying jus’ yet. Not unless yo ass by my side. Not ‘til I tell you I…” He couldn’t finish the sentence.

Franklin got closer to his face, cupping his cheek. His eyes shone as the stars around them fell from the sky, akin to raindrops, hitting them. Everything about him was flooding Lamar’s senses, and it felt surreal, between his aroma and all the other things he loved about Franklin. Golden flecks covered them both, and the stars continued to crash down. The sky was growing darker than before.

“Just say the words Lamar. Say them and this shit’ll be over.”

“How?”

“Well first you need to wake yo ass up.”

“Huh?”

“I said wake up, fool!”

Lamar’s blissful dream had been interrupted by an unknown figure shaking him, literal raindrops hitting his face. He was still bleary eyed, only seeing a vague silhouette in front of him. A wet slap to the face rattled his brain around, the hangover settling in. Shit, was he still drunk? What time was it?

“Lamar! Get up!”

“Oh.. Th’fuck? Who- who that is?” He grunted out.

“It’s me you fuckin’ clown!”

“Frank?”

“Who the fuck else?”

“Why are you-”

He was abruptly yanked out of bed, thudding to the floor with a small “oof”.

“Get up you punk bitch!”

“Franklin what the fuck-”

He was grabbed again, tossed back onto his bed. Franklin straddled him, shaking Lamar by the collar.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” He said, Lamar getting another slap to the face.

“What in the fresh fuck is you talkin’-” Another slap.

“15 fuckin’ missed phone calls! 15! Are you fuckin’ nuts?!”

Lamar’s eyes practically popped out of his head. 15? What the fuck did he say to him?

“I did what-”

Franklin shook him even harder by his shirt, stretching the material out. He was straining his voice now.

“You had me worried like fuckin’ crazy! I thought you was in some sorta fuckin’ trouble again! You blew my phone up when I told yo ass not to, and then didn’t fuckin’ pick up after I heard the first couple special messages you left me!”

Oh God. This was it. He told Franklin everything, didn’t he? The color drained from his face.

“Oh fuck me..” He mumbled, putting a hand over his eyes.

“What?!” Franklin yelled, shaking him again. Lamar’s head was pounding.

“Franklin.. what.. what I say on there? I barely remember a thing, let alone callin’ yo ass.”

“You seriously don’t fuckin’ remember?!”

“Yeah. Seriously, man.”

Franklin slid off of him, putting a palm to his face. He breathed through his nose hard, trying to calm down. Lamar realized he was drenched from the small downpour outside. Pellets of rain thumped against the window as a reminder that the storm never went away.

“You.. fuck, man. You started sayin’ all this shit about how bad a fuckin’ friend you was. That you, you was hidin’ all this shit and couldn’t live another day without tellin’ me.”

Okay. Good. He didn’t tell him the truth.

“You told me you wanted to die dog. Didn’t realize yo dumbass was safe n sound asleep in yo fuckin’ bed.”

“Oh.”

“…’Oh’? Is that really all you have to say?!”

“F, I was jus’ drunk. It was dumb of me, I know, but I.. It’s nothing, okay?”

“Don’t do this shit to me man! I’ve already dealt with enough of yo fuckin’ schemes n shit-”

“Frank.”

“It’s 3 am! You had Chop barkin’ his Goddamn head off the whole night!”

“Franklin.”

“Then I race my ass over here to find yo drunkass self passed out in bed-”

“Franklin.”

“What! What?! You finally gonna put yo two cents in for once?”

“Stop yelling. My head hurts like a bitch right now.”

“Good! I’m fuckin’ glad because I know mine does as well you fuckin’ asshole!”

Lamar looked pathetically up at him. This was getting out of hand. He let it go on for too long.

“Why did you come here then?” He croaked.

“Because you were fuckin’ sobbin’ into the phone! All I heard was you cryin’ like mad fuckin’ crazy and it scared me. You don’t ever do that shit, not even when you fucked up.”

“How much I say?”

“I got the first message pretty fuckin’ clear, the rest was jus’ incoherent bullshit. I barely got through the second one before speedin’ on over. You sounded hurt n shit, I thought something happened. I thought you was a goner.”

“No weird shit though right? I ain’t say nothin’ bad?”

“What? Lamar, what the fuck are you on about? I just told you what yo ass cried out to me! I couldn’t even understand any of the other messages!”

“Okay, okay. That’s.. good I guess.”

“That’s good? Fuckin’ hell, why did I come here? You- ugh!”

“Franklin. Can you jus’ sit down before you pop a fuckin’ blood vessel? You stressin’ for nothin’.”

If anything, Lamar should be the one stressing right now. He had been so close to confessing without knowing. Franklin sat next to him, arms crossed.

“Franklin.”

“What.”

“I’m sorry that I scared you. I didn’t mean to.”

“Well good fuckin’ job, you accomplished that real well didn’t you.” He said, sarcastically applauding him.

“I thought you were cutting me off for good homie. You think I was gon’ let that happen?”

“Lamar, that still ain’t a good reason to freak me out like that in the middle of the night.”

“It’s only cuz you hadn’t been listenin’ to me bro. I’ve been wanting to tell you somethin’ so badly lately and I never.. got the chance.”

“Then do pray fuckin’ tell LD, what the fuck is so important that you had to do this shit to me at 3 AM!”

“Franklin man, c’mon-”

“No! Don’t start!”

Franklin stood, heading for the door as he spoke. He stopped in the threshold.

“Tell me what the fuck is goin’ on with you, or I’m leavin’ yo sad ass here to wallow. I mean it L.”

“Don’t be like that. Please man. I want to, but I-”

“Jus’ fuckin’ tell me! Why won’t you tell me?!”

“Frank-”

“I dragged my ass all the way over here for nothin’ didn’t I? You ain’t dead, you ain’t sayin’ shit, you jus’ bein’ so- ugh! Fuck!” He threw his hands up, exiting Lamar’s bedroom.

“I’m done man, fuck this.”

“Franklin wait- don’t go-” He pleaded.

Franklin did nothing but leave him stranded again, thunder rolling far in the distance. Lamar ran after him as he walked out the door, hearing the rain heavily hit the pavement. His mind was racing far ahead of him. Franklin was leaving, he was leaving for good, and he couldn’t. He can’t. That’s not how it’s supposed to work. Franklin can’t do that, he can’t-

His mind had gone so far away, that he didn’t even realize that he had tackled Franklin to the ground. The two of them fell to the ground with a loud splat, followed by sounds of pain.

“Lamar what the fuck?!”

“Don’t go! Fuckin’ hell, I gotta chase yo ass and for what?!”

“Get off me dog!”

“No!” Franklin was pinned beneath him. The raindrops that rolled off of Lamar hit him in the face.

It reminded Lamar of when they were younger, playing football or whatever sport they could outside even as the deluge soaked them both to the bone. The roles had been reversed, with Franklin constantly knocking him down onto the grassy sludge. They got quite an earful from Lamar’s mom as they tracked mud in the house upon returning. It was a memory amongst many that stuck with him like glue. Those memories couldn’t go away. Franklin couldn’t go away.

Tears mixed in with the rain as he yelled out to him.

“You fuckin’ idiot! Why you makin’ this shit so hard for me?! You keep leavin’ before I can even finish!”

Franklin struggled to break free from Lamar’s grip on his wrists, huffing as he looked away.

“Look at me!” Lamar shouted, grabbing his face with a free hand.

“I didn’t wanna fuckin’ tell you like this, but Jesus Christ! For fucks sake you stubborn asshole-”

He was doing it. He bit the fucking bullet.

“You know how we got into that fuckin’ argument last week? When I told you that I was dealin’ with that whole love thing, I wasn’t talkin’ about yo Aunt, a hoe, nobody else! I was talkin’ about you!”

Lamar threw himself off of him, stumbling backwards. Franklin propped himself onto his elbows. He finally said it. He said it, and he was far from finished.

“But you didn’t wanna fuckin’ listen! And now I’ve fucked our friendship over for a second time! All because of you! This whole thing has been drivin’ me fuckin’ insane lately, and I couldn’t do shit about it! I tried so, so hard to avoid this, but nothin’ ever goes my way, huh?! Every time I think a plan of mine’ll work, it doesn’t! You know why?!”

Opening his arms wide, he spoke loud and clear, finishing his rant.

“Lemme remind you: I’m Lamar fuckin’ Davis! The biggest fuckin’ fool, fuckin’ clown, fuckin’ whatever you wanna call me! Lamar Davis, the most naïve bitch on the planet! Fuck me for thinking that this would ever go well!”

Now it was his turn to leave. But he didn’t go back into his house. His legs moved for him, walking in no particular direction. He just needed to get away from Franklin, not caring about how damp his clothes were now. He was shaking, and he didn’t know if it was from the rain or the range of emotions he was flying through.

He could hear a pair of sneakers squishing behind him. Franklin was running, and he was catching up fast.

“Ay Lamar! Get back here!”

Oh fuck. He was chasing after him now. That’s not good. Lamar started running himself, not caring about possibly slipping and falling on his ass. Only a few hours ago, he had told himself he couldn’t be without Franklin. Now all he wanted to do was run away.

“Lamar!”

Fuck fuck fuck.

He wasn’t fast enough. The second time they hit the ground, Lamar had the wind knocked right out of him, the duo splashing right into a puddle. Hands gripped his shoulders, flipping him around.

“Lamar!”

There were only a few instances in his life where Lamar felt small. He’d always been big in character, big in height, and according to him, big in other ways. But this was one of those moments where he couldn’t help but flinch, wanting to collapse in on himself. He was so tired.

“If you gon’ beat my ass or somethin’ jus’ get it over with.” He sighed, shutting his eyes tight.

When he felt nothing but raindrops touch his face, he opened his eyes slowly. His heart sank when he did. Franklin was visibly upset, guilt in his eyes.

“Lamar. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

A wave of déjà vu washed over him. Oh. So that’s what precognition meant. Motherfucking psychic lady.

“You should’ve jus’ told me man.”

“I tried dog. You wouldn’t hear me out.”

“Cuz I.. I thought you got with someone. I didn’t wanna hear it straight from yo mouth if you was.”

He shifted up, Frank sitting in his lap.

“Y’know I always thought that.. Part of me jus’ kinda thought that it’d always be the two of us. I’m never gonna get Tanisha back.. but you..”

Franklin looked away.

“You a crazy ass loyal motherfucker man. You stuck by my side no matter what, and some dumbass part of me was convinced that you… I mean fuck, so many times I thought you would jus’ flat out say something. Somethin’ so I could stop waiting for the one other person I had known forever to just say that they fuckin’ loved me like that.”

Lamar blinked, rainwater getting into his eyes. It wasn’t quite as serene as his dream had been, nor was it verbatim, but Lamar didn’t care. There was something about the way the water droplets sat along Franklin’s face, highlighted by a streetlight behind him that made him look angelic.

“When you started actin’ all weird it jus’.. made me so fuckin’ mad man. I thought you was gon’ pick someone else over me. Jus’ like Tanisha did.”

“Franklin..”

“So why didn’t you jus’ say somethin’ sooner? I waited. Hell, I don’t even know why I did at first.”

“Franklin.”

“But now I’m realizin’ you must not have even noticed yoself what you was feelin’, when I fuckin’ did. I noticed and you didn’t and-”

Lamar grabbed him by the face, grip surprisingly strong after being in the rain.

“How many times do I gotta say yo name for you to hear me?”

The rain kept falling, never slowing for either one of them. Yet, it felt like time stopped. Lamar chuckled lightly.

“Franklin Clinton and Lamar Davis. Two of the dumbest motherfuckers in LS. Homies for life.”

“Yeah. Homies for life.”

His hands never left Franklin’s face. He pressed their foreheads together, lowering his voice.

“I love you, bum ass bitch.”

“Yeah yeah. I love you too.”

He kissed the top of his head, moving his hands down to embrace him in a tight hug. When was the last time they did this? As he thought it over, he could hear Franklin’s voice muffled against his chest.

“Don’t scare me like that again. Next time save us both the trouble n jus’ spill yo heart out. Dramatic motherfucker.”

The words had no malice in them, Lamar feeling him smile as he said it. He kissed him once more, and they just sat in the rain, feeling it bathe them in fond memories.

//plz listen to remember the rain by 21st century it’s so good 💔😭 anyway ya i decided to end it on a sorta happy note !!!!! franklin is a stubborn guy smh,, sorry for any typos lol also i rlly had no idea where i wanted to go with this so sorry if it’s weird or whatever

[winterrhayle]

ok, some of u have probably noticed by now that tegan has deactivated her account (@lethughandsimonkiss) and she sent me this to explain why: (everything in italics was written by tegan)

There are things more important than what I'm upset over. Tumblr really isn't a great place anyway. And when you just get buried beneath it, it doesn't help anything. There are so many things dying on it, i wont be surprised if Tumblr deletes itself in two years. The sharing of content is too much all in itself. I think you guys already know about that. I didn't even know what i was doing on tumblr, i was just there to have fun.

But the more time i spent on it, the more it seemed it didn't matter. I wanted to apart of the Renegades fandom. And the only i came apart of it was the reblogs right? People starting seeing what i did, and you accepted me. That was cool. I mean, yea i wanted to popular like the big blogs but i was never gonna get there. That was fine with me until i had to learn about how tumblr worked. That caused me stress. I started just wandering around tumblr, dead minded. Eventually that writers stand thing happened and it took a lot out of me. I didn't really participate but i did take the time to reflect on why i was even on tumblr.

I suppose its just some people i cant be in the same room with.

I cant really consider what is fair and what isnt. I mean i guess it sucks when something you work hard on basically gets shit on. Was it fair? Not really, no actually. Was it really something to delete your account over? No, it wasn't (keeping in mind this isn't really what i deleted it for) But when you really try to reach just to get shot down, you can't help but think about it right? I couldn't help it. Yes, it was stupid but i wasn't expecting it to blow up like that

. It just discouraged me from everything. I was trying so hard for something that was never gonna happen. Sure, i was holding a grudge. But the damage is done. And it sucks. I just want to be able to enjoy something without someone going all uwu on me. Its disappointing. I was disappointed in this more than angry( even if i seemed to come off as angry). I thought fandoms were supposed to be fun spaces, not something you dread over. I know i seem bitchy about this one thing, but it just sucks, ok? It made ALOT of questions run through my head nonstop. I want to be able to forget about it.

it's actually more things i just cant deal with. I could tell you more reasons but i dont wanna keep your time more than i already have. Tumblr has actually caused me more pain than comfort, even when i was just sitting there, watching y'all argue over generally nothing. Maybe some time, this or next week (if im lucky that is) i can make a new account and start fresh. Without grudges, no regrets, and no jealousy or whatever. Maybe my therapy will fix that. I know it seems dumb to mention therapy over fucking tumblr but my first session actually explained alot, (about me dreading, not being able to sleep, the questions) I guess deleting it was a first small step. And i will say goodbye (at least for this moment) with this : You can still support each other. Just enjoy each others presence. Encourage each other. Make their time as worthy as yours. Please. Its actually not that hard. It doesn't really contradict anything.

So if you wanna talk to me: insta: capsnhoodies, ao3:mangoesntangoes

I still post to insta( cuz i fuck around on my stories), and i like to post fics on ao3 cuz Tumblr eats them.

Thanks for everything anyway <3 Hope to get back to you all soon

she’d rly appreciate it if u signal boosted this so i’m gonna tag a bunch of ppl to spread it round

@honey-harper-official @furryevanderwade @cerenoya @thepurpledragon4444 @sanktaleksander @emybain @cinderswrench @scxundress @jacihayle @half-heaven @cindersnightmare @strawberry-seraph @novas-tunnel-of-anxiety @blackpercyjckson @girlfriendisthemoon @novas-egg-beater @creampuffqueen @its-liiinh-cinder-official @healing-winston-pratt @alecjamesartino @teawithhoneyharper @queen-of-self-love @ohmyskies @pjo-and-jollof-rice @ztomazhipsclato @bisexualnovaartino  @lavenderbloo @screennamealreadyused @peoplecallmeginger @idkchatie @emmabookworm08 @angstycatthatlikestea (sorry if i missed anyone)

[tragicomedys]

uhmmm gentan

WEOWOEOOOWOOIIEOIFPOPLP

>:) . i love gentan a lot. now im not gonna be able to give a sexy ass nuanced essay like my fellow mutuals do about their pairings but listen . i just think theyre great. i think they complement each other i think they could potentially have been rlly fucking good i think they couldve really been essential figures to the other’s development. notice the word COULDVE because yeah i admit a lot of the pairings i like come from my own perception on how they couldve developed bc like admittedly genya had way more potential and tanjirou as great and fun as he is he literally just stays static thru out the whole manga. except for a couple of small moments. but like other than that hes mr perfect BUT ANYWAY

i think for genyas part its kinda obvious. tanjirou helped him Tremendously through his relationship with his brother & overall was pretty protective over genya n shit. i think tanjirou helps/would help genya gain more confidence overall, especially thinking back to his last moments where he thought of tanjirou and his words to gain, like, the confidence and strength to go through with the mission even tho he was doubting himself. in that way, tanjirou sorta completes genya, like he reminds genya to be kinder to himself and be more confident in himself and etc etc. pretty common tanjirou behavior.

for tanjirous part... their backstories are similar in how they both experienced the deaths of their entire family (in contrast to zenitsu and inosuke, and kinda kanao because her original family’s deaths arent expanded on), but the way each of them took it provided like a backdrop to their characterizations. i know tanjirous own experience with coping and grieving isnt expanded on too much, considering how its shown that he sorta “accepted” the death of his family from the beginning (thinking back to the scene where he held that guys hand & smiled, and even if that wasnt necessarily acceptance we dont REALLY see tanjirou process his past trauma in depth ig), but i think tanjirou in general is someone that would be closed off abt his own grief and pain cuz hes the “older brother” and would naturally hide away anything he thinks would worry and upset others. i mean we already see that in how he didnt tell that little nurse butterfly girl that he had a fever for his sun breathing (self-sacrifical too) and how he was basically kinda like. not expecting to be alive by the time nezuko would become human/theyd defeat muzan (essentially accepted dying when his face got FUCKED up until zenitsu said ur not dead yet buddy; overall he doesnt accept other ppls help easily as he noted how if he were the demon in their situation nobody would help him (i forgot what manga ch that was but he said smth like that) amongst other situations). theres also one of the first demons he fought where he was talking about how as the oldest brother he needs to endure more stuff and pain and whatever whatever u know. so what the fuck im getting at by the end of all of this is that i just think as genya could develop into being more confident n sortaaaa pushy (i feel like hes naturally pushy with basically anybody except his brother and tanjirou LMFAO) and could like, help tanjirou express his feelings in its entirety more freely yknow, like both the good and the bad. like i mentioned with why im not really into inotan / zentan (like that i feel like tanjirou would always feel the need to look over them n honestly can u blame him ? theyre Crazy) but i like gentan bc i feel like they could naturally become more equal in a sense when it comes to how they balance each other out. genya could've possibly been a character to help tanjirou through his own grief that he’s internalizing and couldve been someone tanjirou could relax around and not feel the need to look over... IFFFFF AND ONLY IF his character was expanded on/didnt die that quickly n early or whatever.

I think that kinda dynamic would also work out bc of how genya couldve possibly been feeling towards his brother growing up, just watching him from a distance and wanting to help him but not being able to do anything. and his guilt when he accused sanemi would just be insurmountable. so what im getting at is that i feel like genya wouldnt want that to happen, like, again, and thats why i think he’d actually take action when he grew to be more of a risk-taker and would try 2 actually make tanjirou open up yknow. bc again tanjirou upholding his “oldest bro” title wouldve taken a toll on him if u ask me. that whole vision of himself would logically lead to a lot of bottling up of emotions. i know genya tried making that right and tried helping his bro by like, becoming a demon slayer, but again i just can see genya and tanjirou having that sorta relationship.

ANYWAY. again i do acknowledge that like, for the most part ive probably filled up parts of their personalities bc i think the both of them had more potential/couldve been developed more like i just view it sorta as a flaw how static tanjirou is and how short genya’s time was. it’s definitely possible and likely that i interpreted some scenes in a very diff way compared to others, and i mightve interpreted their characterizations differently than watever other people. but like in my big dumbo brain theyre gay theyre fun they would love eahc other 2 death they would have a lotta fun together and BLAH BLAH ! but besides the “analysis” i jusyt gave on them i just thikn theyd be awesome. mr “i thought he’d talk to me since we were both in the nude” tanjirou kamado. the way genya and tanjirou have blushed @ each other many times WOUGJOUIHJ. the way they give each other strenght . the way genya protected him in battle and thought of him during his last moments . the way tanjirou is easily impressed (u remember when he was like WOAH SO COOL about mitsuri n stuff and genya was just like ... :| ) so i just think its funny if tanjirou thought genya was cool like . .it’s genya LFMREI9WODJFSLK. i know every other person tanjirous age is like in love with him but whatevrr tanjirou would crush on my homeboy genya 🙄 . iwas gonna say something else but i totally just forgot

in conclusion they should kiss just cuz i said so or what ever idk 

[writinandcrying]

Could you make hcs for Hitoshi Shinso's First date with his s/o, how it would look like

HELL FUCKING YEAH I COULD ( I absolutely love shinsou I’m always waiting for someone to ask for scenarios with him it iS MY TIME TO SH IN E )

Ok just an addendum; not really a first date headcanon BUT horny shinsou stans where u at ; I can imagine shinsou making out to his s/o with this song SO MUCH ( https://open.spotify.com/track/28luqgS4NCuFKP6YSOtia5?si=smUkjqECSDC2FEa1U99MDQ ) it’s slow and sensual and there’s this hit of jazz and hngkgofkdnfkgn seriously slow make outs before getting more serious? Lik e,,, feeling every inch of your body with pure passion kind of thing? Goddamn. ( it’s 2am forgive me ) So have this song; the name says it all 👀

So let’s get to it 😇

First date Headcanons - Shinsou Hitoshi x reader

💜 hitoshi is someone who values trust, honesty, and for him to he asked anyone out actually would take the longest ass time ever

💜 he has to be 300% sure you are in this, that your intentions are good, and what you guys have isn’t a prank, he had a rough past towards dating and trusting the wrong people that it came to place he wouldn’t even allow himself to try anymore, so for him to actually consider asking you out ( and giving -him- the opportunity of falling in love ) is a big deal ( no pressure lmao ? )

💜 but yeah behind his smirks and sarcastic comments he’s actually nervous and dying inside because he doesn’t want to fuck this up, you will get to see a much softer shinsou in your first dates because him opening it up and being on a vuneravel spot makes him go so bashful ( it’s the SWEETEST thing )

💜 but anyways after making SURE that you liked him back and there was no absolute way you would say no, he would ask you out after training in the most “casual” way, maybe dropping a comment that there’s a cat cafe ( original I know but shinsou it IS the kind of coffee shop date guy so what can I say? ) around the block and he loves to visit there, coffee is great, cats are cute you know how it is

💜 cue to bashful shinsou to enter, would look down smiling while trying not to blush too hard, asking if you would like to go with him next weekend

💜 chuckles when you say yes ( inside he’s head; ok I knew they would say yes but !;bgndkfkfk yes??? Yes ok yeah cool I’m cool you cool? Nice cool see you around then ” )

💜 shinsou is a smooth mtherf*cker but when it comes to you, his crush, being a smooth motherfuck*er towards HIM, he gets soft.

💜 actually if you did anything towards him, being smooth or cute or whatever he would get soft, no I don’t take criticism thanks

💜 anyways back to date hcs

💜 he would wait for you outside the cafe so both of you to go together, would arrive 20 minutes before the actual meeting time because he has planned before hand but this plan went so well that he got earlier than he should have

💜 Thanked whatever god blessed his life that it was a cold day cuz seeing you all cozy and cute in a big coat/hoodie/scarf and gloves was the cutest thing for him, he wanted to hug you so much

💜 he knew the place before hand so would help you pick whatever beverage based on your taste, he have been paying attention for you for a while so he know if you like more sweet or bitter stuff, would point out which ones you think you might like ( he’s that observant )

💜 he leads you to a cozy spot where you can still have some privacy but check out the cats sleeping and playing around, the cafe it’s a quiet place, there soft music playing on the background, there isn’t a lot of people but it isn’t empty either, I can see shinsou being so comfortable there and making the whole situation just light hearted and enjoyable the whole evening

💜 you both would talk about EVERYTHING, politics, hero x villain dilemas, even nerdy comic book / anime / series stuff, doesn’t really matter the topic the conversation will always engage to another til the point you have even forgotten about the hot drink you ordered

💜 he loves listening to your voice, loves hearing about you and your past, pays so close attention that you end up thinking my you are being even selfish for being the only one talking, which isnt the case, he honestly share his opinions on your conversation just as much, but his attention is so devoted for you ( and for petting the cats, he would always stroke one while listening to you) that it makes you feel that way

💜 would stay on the cafe until night time, he previously thought you both would stay until like 7-8 for you to get tired of him but when he saw it was almost 10pm he would get surprised

💜 the walk back to ua high was slow, you both taking your sweet time until curfew, laughing and chatting together

💜he would be cursing himself in his head for not asking you out sooner, or planing this date a bit early so it wouldn’t have to end up so quickly

💜if he’s really into it ( which yeah duh) he would lace your hands together, would give a soft squeeze if you didn’t pull away, caressing his thumb across your skin to warm your hands

💜 would walk you til your dorm, he would sigh a bit, resting his head against the door frame, didnt want the date to end because for him the time with you was so good he didn’t even see the hours pass

💜would voice out that he had a great time and thank you for being... well? So nice? For accepting his invitation? For being you? He truly had a great time

💜 what time is it? It’s soft/cute boi hours, time for you to drop some heart eyes emojis on him, he’s blushing so much for being honest with you about... well... this, him. What’s he’s feeling, about you and him, it gets tiring being the “stoic I don’t care about you I’m not here to make friends” shinsou all the time, so him feeling that he could be himself with you was the nicest change; he didn’t even have to voice it was just so transparent and he’s a bit embarrassed but he likes it at the same time?? if you show you are enjoying him for who he is ( I mean who wouldn’t ???) he would become more confident in being himself around you, it would just be easier to get to know him and be with him for now on

💜 I don’t think he would kiss in the first date, I mean if you want GO FOR IT he would be surprised! Would love it def!!!! but I think he wouldn’t allow himself to get to that point with you, to think you would want kiss him in your first date, I expect him to be a “well... let’s see if this works out” kind of guy on a first date, and when you go way higher than his expectations, on the following dates he wouldn’t stop thinking about your lips

💜 but! Please voice out how much fun you had as well, thank him and already plan the next date cuz he wants it, he wants it bad

💜 kiss his cheek, give a hug, hold his hand as a good night SHOW at least a tiny bit physically that you are thankful for this date and he will melt

💜 on the next following days at school will always give you smiles on the distance and will still remain his sarcastic self and such, will engage you a lot more and look forward to spend time with you! he might seem like you have him around your finger b u t know if you decide to make a move on him he might do another right back at you ;)

eitherway he soft sensual nice good understanding underappreciated boi STAN SHINSOU HITOSHI- I love him and I hope you liked this Headcanons!!!

[seijch]

hi im about to spam u (so sorry) but ive been too scared to read doomsday until now and im so glad i finally did becasue dude. Dude. its so much. "It’s as the sky bleeds from orange to pale blue that it hits." i loveeee how you incorperated such small moments like the hot chocolate and the ily + i know... be even here just the thought of your Last Sunrise is heartbreaking, but to /realize/ your own end coming in that moment, especially watching the soft sunrise... oof.

HI!!! omg when you sent this i was like . abt to sleep but i read this before i did and went irl 🥺🥺 and then also passed out before i could formulate a response sjfksdfds

anyway!! my response to your asks (i hope i got them all but!!) will be under the cut bc i dont know how to shut up ❤

a lot of the way the interactions in doomsday unfold are honestly BECAUSE tsukki and the reader are (i mean first of all, theyre tsukki and the reader with all that comes with) fully aware that:

they have abt a full day of life left

theres nothing that can be done to elongate that time or avoid death altogether

its not like some young adult novel where a group of ragtag teenagers save the world; its the tale of two adults who have had time to come to terms with the fact that their lives and the lives of everyone they know will end soon (and once again everything that THAT comes with). its why i rlly enjoyed juxtaposing the nice weather w the crippling realization of their own mortality 🕺🏻🕺🏻🕺🏻

"you try to stress your words, make it absolutely clear that you’ve never meant anything like you mean this" this is HEARTBREAKING in a whole miryad of different ways - for a realtionship u establish as one with so many things unsaid but still understood, but here to have her say this so desperately?? like she feels this its too big to leave between the lines? it doesnt matter that he knows, she needs to say it and needs him to hear it UGH IM SAD AGAIN

IM SO GLAD YOU POINTED THIS ONE OUT!! this is EASILY one of my favorite parts of the whole fic mostly bc its something i go thru a lot? like im the definition of that tweet abt never making any damn sense but ESP when it comes to my i love yous or other serious things...i say it a lot and yes i mean it every time! but sometimes i MEAN it and i never quite know how to properly express that kinda thing. 

i think its especially big for the reader in the context of the world ending and in the context of their relationship with tsukishima to have that moment of transparency and complete sincerity for the EXACT reasons you described!!!

"It’s hollow; neither of you have been under the delusion that this was anything but." u said u werent sure about his characterisation but this screams tsukki to me. cuz hes blunt and i dont think he would lie to himself about something like this especially. and even when she tries just for a moment to pretend, he just shows her /no, its ok, this is the truth and we have to die with it/... nah it vibes dude. hes such a interesting character for this idea too? because hes not sappy or anything +

so his tears hurt so much more... oof. "This is my goodbye, he says with more than words." this just... i have so many feelings about this. cuz to me hes totally someone who shows affection through small actions when he cant find the words to match his emotions? so this is like a 4-book-saga laying out his emotions cuz he doesnt quite have the words to say it out loud and theyre out of time. its desperate, but not sad desperate? like its the end but its just him making sure shes knows everything 

ok first of all THANK YOU for saying that bc i wrote him being more vulnerable than i think we rlly see in any tsukki not like ... in junior high LMAO and immediately after i felt my characterization alarms ringing ... like yk those natural disaster alarms? thats the vibe...

but i had one of those Moments where i was no longer the one writing and it was the characters themselves just telling me what to say and how to say it nsfsfsd so im rlly glad it worked! and tbh when the concept first grabbed me by the collar i was juggling a few different characters around in my head but i think i made the right choice in the end. its like you said -- hes not a particularly sappy type and hes always been more grounded in reality imo than some of the other characters (another contender for this fic was akaashi but i realized i do NOT have any solid grasp of his character that isnt from fandom interpretation which is a double edged sword tbh)

and honetly i was ok until "If you’re going to take me out, do it in style, you’d said to him, once. So he does." and then i was all of a sudden crying. and the "stripped down to your bare selves" like theyre just being incinerated together and IM- NO WRODS JUST FEELINGS. i think the best thing about this is how unrushed it feels? and it hurts and its aching but they Know. +

and theyve come to some form of peace with it so when it does come, they can focus on eachother and not the end oh im gonna cry again. this was so gracefully put together, thank u for this. i might reread it and cry again, amazing work 😭💕

i didnt touch on it above bc i wanted to do it here but yes!!!! the absolute fucking DESPERATION felt by both parties in that last minute (which idk if you read my tags on the fic proper but 11:59 was originally one segment before i took those last couple paragraphs and made them the very last second ... i think i made the right choice? it rlly does scream FINAL to me) is SO poignant. all of the walls and hidden meanings fall away because in the end theyre all they have left, dying in each others arms at the very end of it all.

this full REVIEW honestly made me so happy to hear esp on a piece i wasnt quite sure how to feel about at first,, thank you 🤝🏻🤝🏻 i hope you have/had a wonderful day!!!!

OK EDIT BC I JUST SAW THIS COMIC SOMEONE MADE ON IG AND ITS NOT THE MOST RELEVANT BUT ANSWERING THIS PUT ME IN A TSUKISHIMA MOOD SO HERE

[rigginsstreet]

Titanic au hargrove

WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SAY THIS TO ME YALL KNOW THATS MY M O V I E

god ok but like...billy being an artist and steve wanting billy to draw him because hes tired of everyone drawing him “like a porcelain doll” and when billy draws him its the first time steve actually feels seen and like someone really gets him and even appreciates him

and steve and nancy are arranged to be marry but steves known for a while nancy isnt in love with him and theyre both miserable and really theyre only seen together when they need to be (like meals and church service etc) and when theyre not together steves wandering around the ship and thats when he catches billys eye AND TOMMY.. CAN BE TOMMY... just a thought that popped into my head lmao but anyway billys like zoned IN on steve and tommys by his side laughing that thats never gonna happen and teases him... literally why am i already crying we havent even gotten to the sad shit yet...

since im already crying lets just skip to billy dying and steve changing his last name to hargrove and starting a new life and he never tells anyone about billy and their time together but when steve dies hes reunited with billy and theyre young again and they can be happy.... i cant do this i have to go but please send me more message about the titanic au cuz theres a million things to talk about BILLY RIPPING A BENCH OUT OF THE FLOOR AND RAMMING IT INTO THE GATE TO GET THEM OUT AND HIM BANGING ON THE GATE YELLING “GOD DAMMIT SON OF A BITCH” IS REAL SEXY I THINK OKAY

WE CAN REPLACE CALS SCENES WITH STEVES DAD INSTEAD (like... obviously not like.. any scene that would make it creepy lmao which honestly are rose and cal ever really romantic?? im drawing a blank like the closest they had was the necklace scene ANYWAY)

just imagine steve trying to smoke and his dad stomping out his cigarette or steves dad saying “to be a whore to a gutter rat?” and steve saying “id rather be his whore than your son” and spitting in his dads face cuz billy taught him how to hock a loogie thats really gross but the concept is sexy i think

[tania-grey]

Look.

I dont care what y'all do. Y'all can protest or whatever for your freedom after the pandemic. I get it. Y'all're scared that this thing is gon' be permanent, that the right to assemble will be taken permamanently. I get it. These are terrifying times.

But for those in the USA, can I jus' remind yuns that all presidential rein is temporary? That, almost guarunteed the next batch of candidates is gon' undo everything the current president put in place like he did to Obama? Like nearly every new president (slight exaggeration, but still.)?

Look. Im not for trump, i ain't against him cuz my allegience belongs somewhere else entirely. What I'm saying is y'all're so focused on yer own rights that you don' care if you spread this thing further. I saw plenty o' posts talkin' about how 'healthy people should be allowed to leave home.' Excuse me, but are you not gettin' the same news we are?? You can look and feel 100% healthy for literal weeks (a month) prior to testing positive, but still be carryin' that little bugger around an' spreadin' it everywhere. For all intents an' purposes, we are all sick before we ever feel the first symptoms!

If I'm feeling fine and have zero symptoms, that means squat. It literally means nothing when we are in the middle of a corona virus/covid19 epidemic. In this light, is it really that hard to believe and understand why governments world wide, including the US of A, is enforcing a complete lockdown? Please keep in mind that they have been using social pressure to try and keep people home. That's why the schools in the state of MO all locked down before the governor ever put out a statement to do so. The problem was- and is -that people still think its a joke, that its not a real problem and think its just like the flu....until it lands right on their front door step.

If Corona virus/covid19 was just like the flu, then we could invent a vaccine to create an immunity and insist everyone get the covid shots just like they enforce the flu shots. But there are two glaring flaws with this logic.

Research to create the needed shot will take time. Time that is not available during a wide-scale, very high mortality rate pandemic. But the doctors and supplies needed to safely carry out this research isnt properly available in the first place because of the sheer numbers of those infected and the high infectious rate with which it spread and the stark shortage of protective and medical equipments.

To have a functioning vaccination, it relys on bodily immunity that naturally occurs from exposure. The way vaccines work is they take old or weak versions of the sickness and insert it into your body. This gives your immune system the chance to successfully fight off the illness and retain a memory of the illness it fought. With this memory, it can effectively fight the full strength of the illness with minimal symptoms, if any at all.

The problem with a covid vaccination is that people who fought covid19 successfully are not immune to it. In fact, they have it again. This means there is no vaccine possible and that the only hope is to find a cure, rather than a vaccine, since the human body is not capable of 'remembering' the covid virus to fight it off effectively.

So if you see people trying to prevent a mass gathering, dont be so shocked. Those nurses see first hand the horror of what goes on in hospitals and are doing you a favor. They weren't asked by the government to protest your protests. They asked themselves if they could live with letting people get even more sick, making more patients suffer through covid 19 and they looked at themselves and asked what kind of nurse or doctor would they be if they did. And so when they get off work, instead of sleeping or eating, they stop you from making the pandemic worse because they are thinking about your individual well being. Because they cant handle the thought of yet another person dying from asphyxiation and blue lips. They cant stand having to watch yet another person getting a tracheotomy. Having to force people in pain to stand up and walk around their room when it literally is the painful equivalent of glass in their lungs because that they only way to break it up and the patients are begging to lay back down where its comfortable. People are are getting painful bronchitis and pnemonia from this thing and now... doctors are saying it can even be spread through farting. How the h*ll are we supposed to protect ourselves from farts??

For the love of all our grandparents. For the love all those with immune disorders. With lung disorders. With allergy disorders. For the two week old babies testing positive. For the love of yourself. Just. Stay. Home. Its not some flipping joke. My sister is not a joke when she says a doctor in her hospital just got a tracheotomy a whole week later than he should have because the people working there were too emotionally attatched to treat him like any other patient. Yeah. Because dying people is joke (#sarcasm). Please be selfless to save other people. The laws made are because of idiots who dont listen so if you wanna go off on someone, go off on the idiots instead who let their children bike around the neighborhood with their friends and make large gatherings at the local parks talking and drinking and not caring if there's over 15 people withing a single 8 foot radius. They are why lockdown is now politically enforced.

Would you like some more facts about covid19 that makes it terrifying? Its stays in the air for 3 hours. You really think its a bright idea to go protesting about literally anything? You really think a mere 6 foot distance is gonna help you when you walk through that same air space mere seconds after the last person did when its stays in the air for three flippin hours?? I'm sorry, but where is the logic in this?

To protect me, to protect my family, to protect my friends, to protect literally every human I'm surrounded by, I'm happy to give up my right to assemble. Because you know whats more important than my individual rights? Human lives. And that is the hill I will die on.

[ravenofthefandoms]

Here are my thoughts on S8E2!

REAL QUICK THO AN ANGRY REMINDER

If you’re gonna post about an episode after watching the leak TAG UR SHIT I saw way too many spoilers and literally two hours before it aired. If you can’t tag ur shit then don’t post at all until it’s over. At least then most people have seen it. If you don’t tag ur shit then ur legally an asshole so be careful

ANYWAYS Thoughts from S8E2:

- Hi yeah did Dany kinda forget that her dad was the Mad King or is she just gonna act like she’s the only one with the right to want Jaime dead?

- Also I love how she’s like “your sister lied to me wut you gonna do about it”

- She needs to step oFF of Tyrion

- I hope Jaime really does slit Dany’s throat tbh how great would that be

- Bran is great fuckin hilarious

- YAS BRIENNE DEFEND YO MANZ

- God I love Sansa so freaking much 😭 she actually values her advisors opinions unlike another queen I know

- I love how Dany expects Jon to be like “yeah babe whatever you want” and then he’s like “nah Sansa’s right”

- Grey Worm I love you but you’re not intimidating buddy I’m sorry

- Jonno does a 10/10 walkout

- Tyrion you don’t deserve this work environment abuse go give your wisdom to someone else who deserves it

- Mmmmmmm Gendry what a man

- “It’s strong enough” what ur dick?

- “What do they smell like?” What kinda question is that wtf

- PSA: sharp objects handled by Arya Stark turn on Gendry pass it on

- Arya Stark, Queen of BDE

- Fuck yes I love this Bran and Jaime reunion

- Bran is like it’s chill tbh it’s like a good thing that you pushed me out the window and made me a cripple cuz now we’re here and I’m a magical motherfucker

- Bran is the most understanding person ever after he became the Three Eyed Raven

- “She’s your new queen too” mmm no

- Actually, contrary to popular belief Tyrion, it’s not hard to blame her

- Tyrion is both smart and a dumbass at the same time how the fuck

- Jaime’s like a dog who just heard a squirrel like “????brienne?????”

- Podrick isn’t a boy anymore HE IS MY MANZ AND HUSBAND AND HOLY FUCK HE GOT HOT SO FAST LIKE THE LIGHT FACIAL HAIR? WET. SWORD FIGHTING SKILLS? WET.

- Awww Brienne and Jaime are like the awkward high schoolers who have a thing for each other

- Why does Jorah still call her Khaleesi

- I’m glad Jorah isn’t a dumb bitch. Like he literally betrayed Dany to her brother’s killer and she still forgave him but Tyrion decides to trust his sister for once??? Nope he fucked up too bad not trustworthy

- Uhhh the position wasn’t Jorah’s to be stolen

- This scene is proof that Daensa will never happen and I am glad for it

- “I wish I could have that kind of faith in my advisors” uhh??? Maybe get some new advisors then??? You should trust them??? That’s why they’re your advisors????

- PREACH SANSA CLAPBACK ON THAT BITCH BEING A HYPOCRITE

- Uh no a) the northerners accept Sansa pretty well they actually like her and b) you’re not doing a damn good job of it dumb bitch

- Uh the family that destroyed Sansa was your family dumb bitch

- Is this bitch really making the excuse that she was manipulated?¿?

- This bitch big stupid

- This scene literally reminds me of high school like Dany literally reminds me of those fake ass bitches who were sickly sweet just to get what they want from me like wtf Dany is so obviously fake that it makes me cringe

- BREAKER OF CHAINS MY ASS THE NORTH BROKE THEIR OWN CHAINS AND NOW YOU WANNA PUT THEM BACK ON DUMB BITCH EHHA (read that ehha as Cardi B)

- THEOOOOOOON YAS

- I love how he just ignores Dany and is like SANSA I WANNA SERVE U BB

- Suddenly I ship Theonsa

- This Theonsa hug is all I have ever needed in life

- Isn’t that the thief from Merlin?

- I love that little Irish girl who’s like “imma fight give me a sword” like is this Arya 2.0??

- I heart Gilly

- “I’ll defend the crypt then” YES YOU WILL LIL HUNNY YOU’LL DO A DAMN GOOD JOB OF IT TOO

- EDDAAAAAAAY AND TORMUND YAS MY FAVE BITCHES

- Tormund is like surprise bitch you getta hug me first

- Beric is basically that cool as fuck and chill as hell uncle

- “The big woman”

- We love a Jon Snow pep talk

- Bran is like “hi yeah I’d like to be uhhh bait”

- Damn Samwell you didn’t have to flex on us like that with that deep thinking aight

- YES THEON REDEMPTION ARC AS FUCK

- Noooooo let Tyrion fight you ain’t his boss bitch (I mean you are but)

- Need it for what? Taking over the north?

- “No one’s ever tried” hehe I’m in danger

- Stark fam looking badass as fuck

- Walkout #2 isn’t as smooth but still acceptable

- “It’s a long story” bitch I got time start talking

- I CACKLED when those girls walked away from Missandei like I felt bad but that was just such a “you can’t sit with us” moment

- CAN GREY WORM AND MISSANDEI JUST GO TO NARTH AND STAY THERE FOREVER AND GROW OLD TOGETHER PLEASE

- WE WILL PROTECT YOU IM CRYINGGGGG

- Ghost is that you homie????

- Awww the Nights Watch reunion made me tear up a lil

- Sam’s like “I AINT NO BITCH I KILLED A WHITE WALKER KILLED A THENN AND STOLE BOOKS FROM THE CITADEL IM THE BADDEST BITCH AROUND”

- I love this banter with my whole entire heart

- i miss grenn and pyp so much I’m crying grenn was my pre-Pod husband

- I love Lannister brother moments so much they are so pure

- Oprah is handing out redemption arcs left and right wOw

- PODRICK HE IS A MAN NOW HE IS MY HUSBAND HE IS JUST SO SEXY NOW

- CACKLINGGGGG “half a cup” pours in half the wine jug

- What a squad

- TORMUND MAKES ME LAUGH SO FUCKIN MUCH

- He’s the awkward kid who tells weird stories and then does weird shit

- “Kingslayer get it right” - Jaime on the inside

- Everyone just has a “wtf” look on their face and I’m dying

- I. AM. CACKLING. AT. TORMUND. SEND HELP

- I fucking love Sandor with my entire heart and soul

- “I fought for you didn’t I?” Touche you got her there

- *sandor doesn’t get to sit by himself* fINE WHY DOESNT THE WHOLE FUCKING NORTH COME SIT BY ME TOO HUH IF YOU ALL WANT TO. CROWD. ME HUH???

- “I’m not gonna sit with you old shits I’m gonna go fuck a bull I mean uhhhhh I gotta go ”

- Arya being lowkey jealous makes me cackle like a witch

- “Is that your first time?” “Well yeah Arya I don’t put leeches all over my dick every time I get home wtf”

- YES ARYA GET THAT DICK HUNTY YASS RIDE HIM TO STORMS END HUNTY YAAAAAAS

- ARYA IS DOM AND GENDRY IS SUB PASS IT ON

- Arya having her first time be CONSENSUAL and with someone she loves makes me happy as fUCK

- GENDRY IS THE PUREST MOTHERFUCKER I SWEAR (only after Pod though)

- All I want at this point in my life is for Podrick to hold me in his big strong arms like I just wanna cuddle him fUCK

- “Not a Ser?? Why the fuck not get outta here with that bullshit”

- “I never wanted to be a knight” Podrick: I call bULLSHIT

- Tormund is supportive of Brienne even when she’s dating another guy he doesn’t even care

- WE WAITED SO LONG FOR BRIENNE AND JAIME TO HAVE A ROMANTIC AND INTIMATE MOMENT AND WE GOT AND BRIENNE EVEN GOT WHAT SHE DESERVES OUT OF IT

- Podrick is Brienne’s proud son I am living for it

- BRIENNE’S SMILE IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND PRECIOUS THING ON THIS WHOLE ENTIRE EARTH IT MUST BE PROTECTED

- Honestly Tormund just wants to see Brienne happy and successful and tbh I don’t think he would care if that meant that she was with Jaime

- I stg if anything happens to babygirl Lyanna i will throw fists she looks like such a little bad ass in her armor omg she’s adorable

- Yeah Jorah you don’t gotta wield it in Randals memory he was kind of an asshole

- Can Podrick sing me to sleep every night please holy fUCK

- Theonsa? Check. Gendrya? Check. Grey Worm and Missandei? Check. Podrick making my whole self thirsty for him? Check.

- Uhhh Daenerys are you not gonna be concerned that you were idk fuckin your nephew or maybe that you aren’t the last Targaryen???? Maybe something important like that not the Iron fucking Throne???

- This bitch really thinks that Bran and Sam were lying hAh she drank a lot of dumb bitch juice this episode

- Daenerys is like those anti-vaxxers or flat earthers who refuse to see the facts

- Fun fact: episode 3 is going to tear out my heart and soul, put them in a blender, and then fucken shook it until it exploded like a coke with a mento in it

- I read somewhere that said something to the effect of characters who don’t learn from the past are doomed to repeat it and that sounds like Dany w/ the Mad King to me rn

- Honestly every time Dany talked in this episode I got pissed off so that’s not good

- People be like “aw this episode was so boring” like bITCH ARE YALL MISSING THESE GREAT DOMESTIC MOMENTS?? GAME OF THRONES ISNT ALL STABBY AND SHIT IT CAN BE NICE FOR ONCE

- This episode made my heart full and I’m going to cry

- Ummmmm in case y’all haven’t seen in Dan Portman (Podrick) posted on his Instagram and it may or may not be a spoiler and if it is then I’ll kill myself

[groguhasaknife]

Endgame Callbacks and References

proceed with caution - there will be a break before spoilers start but it may not work on mobile. If it does not work, I put 5 bold, header "Endgame Spoilers” in the beginning and 5 bold, header “End Post”s at the end

Please feel free to DM me I would love to talk to someone about this.

I literally spent 2 hours typing up my feeling and categorizing them so yeah this is just the references I remembered but I have other categories lololol and hopefully if I have time to format it I will post them later too. 

This obviously is not all of them it isn’t many at all actually but hopefully when I watch it again on Friday I can add more cuz I loved the references.

Endgame Spoilers

Endgame Spoilers

Endgame Spoilers

Endgame Spoilers

Endgame Spoilers

references/callbacks - these are all internal to like marvel itself

Joe Russo in support group

the same Russo bro was in Winter Soldier as a doctor

really liked how the subtly added an explicitly gay character, it was not the main point. as someone who is gay, I am always in disbelief when I see representation and I really could not believe it when he referred to his partner as he, I was so happy.

“Suit of armor around the world”

age of ultron

Tony, I love you. but it would have only delayed Thanos a little bit, it is the thought that counts.

Captain America’s Ass

okay this is not really a reference but this is just an homage to Chris Evans’ amazing backside

love that they pointed this out, love that they talked about it for a while

love that Tony commented on it and basically confirmed bisexuality love that

i like to think that this was for the fans

THOR VIKING BEARD

again not really a reference

there was a tumblr post going around that thor never got his braided hair well he did get braided hair or at least i think it was somewhat styled in thor 2 but WE GOT the braided beard babey with the full power up yummmm yess go off sir

also tell me thor in the end did not look like aquaman... or give you aquaman vibes love that for him and his final character arc, giving up his throne to valkyrie cuz he knows its not for him

Loki into Cap

callback to Thor: The Dark World

I knew as soon as I saw Loki again when they went back that they were going to think cap or tony was loki in disguise and they even pointed that out with loki transforming

it’s funny how loki only turns to Cap or at least he has done him the most from what we have seen

“I can do this all day”

the first avenger, civil war

This one was an obvious one, but I loved it just as much and future cap’s response? so good loved that for them

Elevator Scene

winter soldier

biiitcchhh i was toooo hyped when I saw this, but I just realized now, of course there was gonna be a callback to winter soldier and so like exactly because the Russos directed it obvi. But this was so good

like did they use the same footage in the beginning? (ik they didnt) It felt dead same to me but there were some different characters right? like was sitwell there in that scene in tws?

Hydra Cap

scene itself to Winter Soldier, Cap knowing they were hydra and reference to the comics plot twist that everyone was up in arms about

I think this was strategic for cap and I am pretty sure Chris Evans was against hydra cap? right so it was definitely not approving it or anything

the men "didnt feel so good" - when Cap is distracting Hank Pym

infinity war

I really don’t know if this was intentional but I was just like ……… really marvel youre gonna do us like that

"operating a machine" - howard stark

Iron Man 2

where he said tony was the best thing he ever created/invented, talking about him like a tool…...more on this another time

Jarvis!!!

agent carter

the same actor from agent carter! love him the most

“on your left”

from winter soldier

i died at this part, it took me a second to like process what was happening but jaglakjdf love u sam :((

“Avengers Assemble”

callback to tease in Ultron, and comics obvi

I may have cried. I was waiting for that. It was so good.

Steve Rogers wielding Mjolnir

from age of ultron…….more on this another time

callback to cap budging the hammer in age of ultron

“don’t worry she’s got help” - female characters

Infinity War

I don’t know if this counts since it was literally from Infinity War, maybe not the exact wording, but…... more on this another time

Someone standing behind Wanda

in the funeral scene there was someone standing behind Wanda, Bucky, and Sam that I did not recognize and idk if I’m just blind but they looked like evan peters to me...... and i know it was not him from searching it but i thought it was like an introduction of xmen to the mcu slowly as disney bought fox but i was wronggggg but who was it? was it maria hill? I saw she was credited in the well credits but i swear i dont remember seeing her in the movie

Wanda and Clint’s dynamic still remaining

callback to age of ultron

father and daughter relationship, really good

“don’t do anything stupid until I get back” “how can i? youre taking all the stupid with you”

from the first avenger

:((((((( i- that was very emotional like i didnt process that one either that was like deep in the recess of my memories wow that was solid

Clink of Tony working on the original Iron Man suit - end screen

from Iron Man (2008)

I did not actually infer that it was from Iron Man at first, that was in the back of my mind, but given that end scenes are always about the future I thought it was like the forge where stormbreaker and mjolnir and the gauntlet were made and referencing future characters, weapons, etc. But it was a great callback alkdfjalskdjfajlafjdklajkdl I love Tony :(((

also some unedited ramblings (i only added periods to make it somewhat comprehensive) :

I had the ending robbed from me by dumbasses on instagram. I predicted tony would take the gauntlet and die from it because I knew he was going to die. I wish I could relive watching that not knowing, but if any marvel fans want to tell me how they felt I would love to listen and talk about endgame and the mcu with you and live vicariously through you. that black widow dying and cap getting old was also spoiled. I thought cap was gonna stay when they time traveled the first time but I knew where the soul stone business was going. I wanted to sob at Tony dying and I knew I would have if I didnt know, but I already knew and had accepted it but now it feels like he isnt actually dead idk like when tony almost died in iw I cried so I know I would have sobbed.... but even so tony’s death had been spoiled to me 3 separate times in the three days since its been released and each has been on a different day so I guess it was meant to be but im still mad that was taken from me

End Post

End Post

End Post

End Post

End Post

[doofwrites]

How about the entirety of ten thirty p.m. because it's less than 500 words but also bc I'm too lazy to copy and paste on mobile

Peter comes home at half-past ten, scratching at the black, vein-like mark on his hand. He’s slumped by the wall, staring at his desk.

okay, I wanted, like, I thought maybe WHAT IF you could tell who didn’t make it in the snap.

what if.

what if it was a reminder of the ashes while we’re at it, because that’s already sad and I might as well.

so. craggy veins.

Homework.

Didn’t think he’d miss that.

peter’s a big nerd but even big nerds get tired sometimes and ESPECIALLY when he could be doing something more fun, like making new web formulas or annoying criminals. I felt like the mundane would be incredibly welcome after, y’know, dying,

May’s words from when he’d stopped by the hospital still ring in his ears, but everything’s still too foggy, too dusty in his brain.

my biggest mood is may working as a nurse of sorts

Bits and pieces floating around and refusing to string together.

I just kinda thought that this specific experience would make you kinda scatterbrained, just trying to wrap your head around what had happened

MJ and Ned stand in his doorway, Ned’s hands on MJ’s shoulder and arm.

She’s not pushing him away.

I am of the thought that mj is touch-starved but I am also of the thought that she’s picky about who she lets touch her and how often, so thinking of Ned, who I put down as a hecka hugger? she’s probably had times where she’s held him off. 

but then stuff like dying happens, so

(He’s been going back and forth between wanting to take it off and thinking it’s the only thing keeping him solid, so he’d just.

Left it on.)

baby boy didn’t change when he got back and that suit was under the iron spider suit so of course

MJ’s mouth opens and closes in slow, uneven movements, but nothing comes out.

it’s like, she’s thinking. of something to say. because mj always has a very succinct response to things, and it’s always something that makes you think, but probably has truth to it

“You jumped off the bus,” she rasps.

an “I know” and “You died” in one

She stares at him and he stares at it and Ned doesn’t let go until she’s able to stand by herself.

ned is the best and that’s all.

jk, it’s because! ned’s like this stable rock okay. if the world ends and fate pulls these two apart, ned is their constant, he is their anchor. like, may is too, probs, but ned knew them both first, bantered with mj first. idk this isnt even an explanation anymore I just love ned ok bye thanks for coming to my ted talk

“I’m sorry,” Peter says.

famous last words (AYYYYYYYY)

but really, what else do you say? when you find out your bff knows about you being spider-man, and guessed you died while doing spidey things, and your name is peter parker???

He can’t move.

ever wanna comfort someone but you’re also hecka depressed? this. this is that.

It’s a bitter laugh that comes out of her. A pained, energy-sapped laugh as she ducks her head and wipes with that hand at her eyes and cheeks.

“Same,” MJ says quietly, sniffling. “Same, Peter.”

when u try not to cry cuz u don’t know why u cryin’

she’s apologizing for the world ending, and somewhere in there, half her head’s going like, “that doesn’t make sense, I couldn’t have stopped it” but the other half is still sorry anyway

It’s a long time before they can say anything else other than apologies.

It’s a long time before they realize they didn’t have to.

very much some weird offshoot of survivor’s guilt imo

send me

[coughsyrupcowboy]

Ok let me just explain something. Nobody is upset that Adam is dead and that someones ship didnt become canon. You guys are really simplifying it and not listening to the actual complaints and have your rose tinted glasses on. Yes this is a story of war, people die, ect ect. But that's not the issue, it's much deeper and more insulting than a character dying.

So a few months ago, the voltron crew were like hyping up so much for the new season and its representation. They said shire was gay and had an defiance that we'd meet. And u know if a content creator says shit like they usually explore it.

Cut to when the new season is released. Adam and Shiro have one(1) conversation and they're having an argument. Here's where that is a bad idea from a writing standing point: this has no emotional effect on anyone. Like, first of all it's not even subtexted. They're stiff and mad and just look like roommates. We never see adam before this scene. We have no idea what their relationship was like before. And the general message there, accidental or not, is that gay people cant be happy with their partner. They always butt heads. But I guess they cant give off that message because they're too fucking cowardly to make them even touch each other or look at each other, let alone explicitly state they're gay.

I'm not sayi g u cant be gay without a partner. God, that is not what anyone is saying. I'm saying they're doing shiro dirty and never fucking stated that ANYONE IS QUEER. (This includes pidge, because her gender arc thing was a huge ass cop out. They could have explored maybe a trans man pidge, a trans girl pidge, nonbinary pidge or genderfluid pidge. But no they pulled a classic shes the man and made her a trans coded cis girl.)

The fans arent mad at adam dying. Look if adam had more lines, an actual relationship with shiro on screen, and his death served for some sort of plot or character development, I can guarantee u no one would be as absolutely livid as we are now. He gets two scenes and hes a bitch in the first and dies in the next. The shiro doesnt even liek bat an eye. He monotony says adam at his grave thingy and is on his way like he didnt just lose the man he was gonna marry.

Yes people die in a war. Yes things dont always work out for everyone. People die, people drift apart, some people arent good for each other blah blah blah. But here's the thing, the crew that worked on this show are basically the all seeing gods of this universe ok. They have the power to pick a character off and give that characters death meaning. But here they didnt choose a character to die. They MADE a character only for him to die and they decided the character that was born to die has to be a gay man. They had two gay men and they thought the best course of action after hyping the shit out of their show and clearly pandering to the lgbt youths desperately starving for any kind of positive representation.

Then only to get a slap in the face after getting THAT NONSENSE. yes people die in a war, but they had the power to pick and choose who dies in said war.

If you're cis het, I doubt this hurts as much as it does to the lgbt fans. When I was growing up, lesbian was a bad word. I thought if you said lesbian you would go to hell. On TV everyone was straight and normal, but the gays got made fun off all the time. They were the butt of jokes, used to make a point on how weird and disgusting they are. Very rarely were there gay movies or gay characters in a movie that didnt end up dying from aids, being killed for being gay, separating from their lover cuz being gay "sucks", or realizing they were gay only for it to be a phase. And as a child this sends me the message that if you are gay, you are disgusting and will never be happy. Straight people love getting off on gay misery and thinking that counts as representation. They get brownie points for killing off their gay characters.

But you know what these movies surprisingly do better than voltron did. They actually give their gay characters fucking personality and lines. Sometimes if a Straight is feeling first theylly actually use the word gay! But what voltron did was absolutely unacceptable. I'm not defending the fucking homophobic movies. I'm sayi g the bar is so so so so low that its hitting the ground and DreamWorks thought "hey if I take this jackhammer and make the worst fucking rep that anyone has seen in a while, fhats still representation and the gays will love it!"

I'm not even a goddamn fan of the show and I'm upset. My boyfriend had me marathon with him and we were both so ficking pissed.

AND ANOTHER THING!!! some of yall dont know what queerbating actually is??? Yall seem to think queer baiting is teasing your ship and not instantly becoming canon??? No it's the advertisement team looking at the scraps that lgbt get in regards to media and shoving a huuuuuuge Turkey leg in their face and then proceeding to throw it in the trash. What I mean by this is that when an advertisement team and production team realizes that a lot of queer teens are their main audience, they'll try to like "introduce" gay shit. Sometimes you get sexy lesbians only there for men to leer at. Sometimes it's two very visibly gay coded men who are bffs and then the writers give both girlfriends. And sometimes its telling fans that u have representation only to take it away immediately.

No one's upset about one person dying. No one's upset about a gay person dying. No one's upset that their ship isnt canon. No one's upset that this isnt a show for romance. No one's upset that we didnt "get the queer content we wanted."

We're upset that we didnt get ANY queer representation. We are livid that we only know shiro is gay from word of god and that people who dont have that context wont know that they were a gay couple. I'm mad that they took the only other gay man in the whole entire series, refused to even say anything obviously gay and or romantic and then killed off adam and called that diversity.

The crew seems to think gay people are just bitter or have no personality outside being gay. Once you show me a stable,happy, more than two lines obviously and proudly queer character then I'll shut up.(again if u mention pidge, fuck off)

And to the people sayi g were acting like shiro died, well here's the thing they've killed this motherfucker like 4 times and if that doesnt speak volumes of how much they enjoy making Gay characters suffer idk how to help you. ALSO DONT ACT LIKE SHIRO IS EXPLICITLY GAY BECAUSE HE IS NOT EVEN SUBTEXT GAY OR QUEERCODED SO SHUT UP AMD LISTEN TO THE LGBT PEOPLE WHEN THEYRE MAD.

[yfczangel777]

Since its 3:30 am and I'm just here overthinking things... i present a worry to the void;

I ramble and over explain cuz it's just how I am so sorry its gonna be long but yeah...

Hobi is warm and sweet and always puts everyone at ease and does everything in his power to make others feel heard and loved and happy. He really truly is the embodiment of his name: he gives people hope ♡

And I dont wanna be a bummer..

But I worry a little to myself.

((And for me; I feel this. Deeply. I am an empath and so I ~feel~ things, man. I vibe hella with Hobi and we are hella kindred spirits ♡ But this leads me to this worry cuz not only do I pick up on energies and also just generally assessing info I'm presented but I also feel that feel on a personal level and recognize a lot of behaviors cuz I've BEEN there))

But ok so...

I honest to god think he has found a certain amount of peace in life that does allow him to be truly optimistic and airy and just kinda vibe with life in general. I DO think he is genuine and his sunny demeanor is not an act. I feel sincerity from him deep in my bones ♡

However.... I worry for him a little because no matter how well adjusted and "cup half full" he tends to be everyone struggles sometimes.. especially I'd imagine in a high stress industry like hes in. I've noticed little things like that members say hes kinda "private" and he doesnt get overly "deep" in convos about himself. But continually everyone talks about how hes a good mediator and listener and never fails to bring up the mood or cheer up someone when they feel down. Hes a peacemaker and ray of sunshine for the group and that's amazing and HES amazing BUT I worry he does it all at the expense of himself. I've noticed he kind of offhandedly has mentioned like once that he 'doesnt always feel hopeful' but has to keep being the embodiment of hope anyways. I cant give specific sources but I've just internalized several instances over time from media of Hobi generally being like 'it's my duty to be hope for others. It's what I am so I cant stop'

Like I feel deeply that he GENUINELY is hopeful and truly truly loves others and lives for making people happy and genuinely cares for others and is glad when he can make them feel good.

But I also worry that during bad periods he keeps it deeply internalized because he is SO committed to being sunshine and comfort and hope to others that he fears letting people down if he isnt feeling okay. So I def think Hobi hides when he is feeling low because he just CAN'T let himself "burden" others with when hes feeling down. In his mind he cant stop being the light and joy to others at any cost because that's what he "needs" to be. They "need" him to be that for them. The members... Armys... everyone.

He never has stories of being comforted by anyone (at least on a deep level) but everyone has testaments of being comforted by Hobi. And I KNOW it's not because other members dont care or wouldn't comfort him but because he constantly hides from everyone any sign that he needs that support. I'm sure deep down he craves it but at the same time he would feel guilty if he let it happen. Me and Hobi are so alike that it's crazy... and I'm this way and I just... idk I just see it in him. I feel it from him..

But yeah and like.. it definitely builds up occasionally. Theres this one video (an episode of Run maybe? I have a hell of a time finding it but I've def seen it) and it just really stuck with me hard. I was deeply bothered by it. They were doing something (??) And had to stop laughing and everyone kept getting the giggles and kept having to try again and started playfully non-seriously scolding each other when giggles kept bursting out. And at one point they were almost under control and someone laughed again and everyone blamed Hobi cuz they thought it was him and he insisted "really no it wasnt me this time" but they kept teasing him saying it was (good naturedly mind you.. but they seemed convinced he really did. I actually dont know who it was tbh) and they playfully kept accusing him but then suddenly he just started crying??? Like he kept trying to smile n stuff but he just started to cry :( and everyone was suddenly like "??? What? Why are you crying? Oh No dont cry" and they stopped fooling around and quickly moved on from it and gave him a few gentle consoling pats but it was just dropped and they moved on and like ... it was never addressed?? And I was so so concerned and i was like "oh no Hobi 😢" because yo dude I recognize that situation. I've BEEN there. It's being so full of pent up bad feelings and then some minor little thing happens that normally wouldn't even bother you but you're just so fragile that it's the straw that breaks the camel's back and you just burst into tears and it's not cuz of that thing but you just break down cuz you've been holding it all in. It just kinda deeply stuck with me and I wanted to comfort him so bad. Like ... talk to me baby.. unload it all.. you're hurting... what's wrong? Let me help or at least just let me listen and learn on me 😢. I hope they took him aside and tried to care for him once the camera was off. I really really do.. the poor thing 😢 But yeah

That was a huge one. Along with all the little subtle things I keep putting together. This sweet sunshine boy... I wanna comfort him when he sad. I want SOMEONE at least to comfort him. But he has to LET someone in for that. He fears being vulnerable and feels it's a letdown to others and that breaks my heart.

But yeah.. at least it's not too often. Thank god it's not too often. I am grateful to the universe that this sweet man generally does seem to have a genuine positivity and optimism to him...cuz he deserves nothing but joy and good things. But on the occasions when he isnt okay deep down inside. I feel he is very emotionally stiffled during those times and ..it sucks so bad and hurts to just go through it alone because you CANT let your loved ones worry about you and you CANT let them down. And my heart aches for him because I'm the same damn way so I know that feel and I love him so i dont want him to hurt. And I /know/ that if the others knew they would want to tell him "no! We love you and want to help you!" You're allowed to have bad days! It's not letting us down!" But I feel he hides it really well and also I'm certain they've noticed tho more than once and I suspect Hobi either 1) denies it to his dying breath 2) only barely acknowledges it and severely downplays his own needs to encourage others to drop the issue quickly or 3) may even get defensive and/or lock himself away so he ~cant~ be approached about it. I suspect 1 and 2 the most but u never know.

But I just feel really sad cuz I want Hobi to allow himself support too. Hes our hope and brings us so much joy and comfort and deserves the world. He deserves the same hope and comfort. I hope for him that he can eventually let his walls down and lean on others when he needs to and know that hes not a burden if hes not sunny 100% of the time... that hes just human and is worthy of love and support and that people who love him want to give it to him and are not put out by it in the least.

I'm just like him. I can say these things but I still think "not me though"

But... at the very least I can vent into the void. I do this on tumblr because it's a bit different than a diary. It's out there in the world and others could see it but it's not like I'm directly imposing it onto another individual.

And my biggest improvement/accomplishment; I at least now have one person (my husband) who I finally.. for the first time in probably my whole ass life... have broken down a wall with and I can go to him and spill my guts whenever I'm not okay. It took a lot to build up to but to be able to do that at least with him helps a lot when I feel bad.

And I really hope Hobi can find the same. It makes a world of difference and someone needs to nurture this sweet boy the way he does for us. It hurts to know he likely suffers in silence most of the time when he does. I just want him to be nurtured and loved cuz he deserves it 🥺

[survivorbehemoth]

Episode #1: “brb gotta go to dinner” - Logan

This is literally the worst possible outcome, I would know the 10 fkers on the other tribe and only know of like 2 people on this tribe, sayonara it's a wrap a mere 5 minutes after the cast reveal concluded.

Omg! So this game started and i landed on a short witches tribe.. Maybe we are short but the humor around Helgamine is definitely tall. Love my tribemates! They are a bunch of really chill and fun to talk to people. At this stage of the game my goal is to get a good grasp on the already existing pre-game relationships within people. This knowledge will allow me to know what to say and to who. Other than that i'm focused on developing bonds with people without approaching them with gametalk. A pretty slow start for me, i don't need at all to jump into making alliances left and right. It's the beginning so its important to just leave a good (and non threatning) impression on my  tribemates.Those people seem to want to CALL a lot during the day JASHDKGAHD and i'm still exhausted from study group calls for exams so.. i'm not gonna be trying to do a lot of that. I'm however really excited for what's this game is going to bring up <3

_______________________________________________________________

Gonna do my own first impressions as well, to put some of my thoughts together.

Daisy - oh how i love her.. She's so positive and adorable. We have a pending plan for a call and I'm really looking forward to it. She's more experienced in discord ORGs than me and we are both BaR winners so.. we gotta work together. At least for now. She seems like someone that would be a bigger threat than me down the road.. I feel like we have a potential to work together well and I'd want to establish a duo with her and be partners in crime in this tribe. <3

Scott - OMG the only person in this whole cast that i actually knew before this game? we didn't talk in like 4 years but when i saw him in this cast i literally gasped. I enjoyed catching up with him and he is definitely someone i could see myself aligning with. Yesterday we shared each other concerns about a mention of alliances and alliance calls. And neither of us  introduced gametalk with other tribemates. He also mentioned that he wants me to be his #1 in this game. And i'm digging that!

Rob - OKAY our conversation on day 1 was p much awkward.. We have a mutual friend from the fb org and he was mad at me for winning an ORG over her and he literally didn't hestitate on letting me know that.. But we talked a lot yesterday and found out many common interests. He wants us to be like Fenella and Shonee and i mean why not? I really like talking to him but i'm not sure if i can trust him yet. He's the first person that reached out to me about doing a call and we did one today LMAO i had a lot of fun. He's definitely very social so keeping him as close as possible to me can only bring me some benefits. stan him tho <3

Seamus - Someone who i saw around forever but never had any opportunity to talk or meet his ass.  i just vibe w/ his clowny personality and already called him a caveman and a half british. <3 hoping to build a good connection here.

Logan - Funny and very active. He definitely stands out as he talks the most in the tribe chat and plans all the tribe calls. We had some good convos so far, mainly about total drama. Love watching his videos for this immunity challenge KSAJDHG but other than that i'm not sure how i feel about him but i would like to get close to him and work together when the game gears will switch on

Jules - She's so adorable and our talks are very cute but... they don't happen very often.  And she's not really contributing in the challenge so far which i really hope is going to change because in case we lose i fear that people will view her as an easy prey for the first boot? I hope that won't be the case and that she's going to snap cuz i think she's lovely and i enjoy our conversations.

Conor - Didn't have much to write about him until today. He just dyed his hair to the same color i got last summer so we have no choice but to stan. For real tho, we are the only europeans on this tribe (maybe even entire game?) but i don't have much to say about him. Curious how he will approach the game once we are forced to start playing.

Gage - Hmmmm! I like him, but don't really have any kind of trust towards him. He's just quite flirty and the flow of our conversations is weird/forced? I can't stop thinking abt Dean Kowalski and Spencer whenever he messages me.. It's like he's their survivor child.

Vincent - Great he immediately brought up his twin brother with who i played twice and ended him... twice as well. I literally have no idea how or what to talk about with him :/

Hmm the challenge is almost over

I definitely wasn't a challenge MVP by any means. I think everyone but Scott outscored me. But I did a lot better than I could have expected at the challenge start. 65 points isn't a Dooze-level score but it's a lot better than the 30 points I was expecting earlier.

Click HERE to watch Billy’s Round 1 Video!

Lol I'm super happy to be apart of this season!! So far it's turning out to be a great one and I'm hoping that I can do what I need to in order to get far.

Not gonna lie I just had a feeling we were gonna lose this challenge. Like I just... stink at challenges and knew I wasn't going to do well. So I just made sure I didn't have the worst score. Which I hope puts me in the clear. However, i lowkey get the vibe I might be going just cause the conversations are so... bland. Like no ones come purposing an alliance and such. I know I don't want to be the first person to do so, which means someone's gonna have to step up.

Anyways, here's my thoughts on everyone.

Szymon: he's cool, definitely my #1 out here, we've known each other from previous orgs and such. Seamus: I know who he is from tumblr,  but I don't know him that well. he seems chill. Daisy: Queen, shes an icon and O hope she can be my female iconic duo Logan: He seems like he wants to be THAT person who likes to be in control of everything, but doesn't want to come off as controling everything. So I let him think he owns me :) Vincent: I like him, he's a cool guy and one of the few I've talked to the most. He already told me about his vote steal and I'm just like "damn, look at you go!" Conor: He's cool too! I enjoy talking to him when I wake up in the morning. I like hearing about him and his boyfriend too. Gage: home boy likes to flirt around with everyone doesn't he. i'll play a long, but leaving a mental note to not go far with him. Jules: They're cool, not really that social tho but they try. Rob: I forget that he's on this season oops.

I really thought I was gonna get the boot first cause everyone is just so quiet. But the conversations seem to be between Jules and Vincent. Which I'm personally okay with either of them as long as I'm still here. I'd prefer Rob though just cause he doesn't make an effort to talk to me that much, but it is what it is.

Let's hope I get by this round and can survive the first boot. I like to think I can, but you never know with this group.

Click HERE to watch Cindi’s Round 1 Video!

Click HERE to watch Dylan G’s Round 1 Video!

Tribe Assessment:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bPt3M2z-Yw&feature=youtu.be

Day 2 Confession:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GU2v9ChlOm4&feature=youtu.be

THESE MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA SAY IM NOT ACTIVE JUST BECAUSE I DONT GIVE MY BLOOD SWEAT TEARS AND COOCHIE TO TALKING TO ALL THESE FUCKING MEN???????? LIKE???? YALL ARE TIRING! YALL ARE ALSO LOVELY BUT I CANNOT TAKE ALL THIS MALE ENERGY!!!!! PLS UNDERSTAND!!!! P L E A S E!!!! MEN SUCK BYE

we lost the challenge which sucked. but i really like my tribe. everyone seems chill. i didnt think we were gonna win the challenge though becase several people didnt rlly try to even get 100. so originally i thought it would just be a super easy vote on vincent because he isnt very chatty, but logan is annoying everyone. asking to one on one call and sinking his own ship by pushing so hard (giggity) for jules to go home. so i think either logan or vincent will go this round

I’m liking my tribe mates more than I expected. I’m just trying to play it cool so I make it to merge. I feel like that’s everyone’s goal. I love the alliance of Cindi, both Dylan’s and myself. I’m hoping that we stick together, because I feel like we can be a really strong alliance moving forward. I also think I might be good with Beck, because they’re dating Asya and we played a game together a couple years ago. Asya apparently still really likes me from what Beck said. So woo! Let’s continue the good vibes.

Click HERE to watch Beck’s Round 1 Video!

Click HERE to watch Ali’s Round 1 Video!

So past 4 hours is a lot to process, but basically i got home expecting a pretty easy vote on Vincent. He's a great kid that but have to think about performing well in the challenges as a tribe. So then miss Logan decided to play as if it was merge and not day 3 and just went off with targetting Jules?? I am not having any of that because Jules is too fun to talk so i made sure to let Jules know immediately of what was going on. I believe i was the first to warn her of what's happening so that brings us two closer. Logan then went on calls with everyone individually, ending my call in such a shady way with an excuse of having a dinner... when he was just going to call with Seamus. And he told Seamus that he was currently eating the dinner.. WHAT? Anyway just got the tea that Logan was making multiple trios as well. WHY DO YOU NEED TO PLAY SO HARD? THIS GAME HAS JUST STARTED skjdghd

I feel really bad because he said that he was the first boot the last time he played due to playing hard. But this is just him... not learning from his past mistakes at all :/ Im sorry but i don't feel comfortable moving forward with such a ticking bomb. Neither he or Vincent have any benefit for my game at this point so Im hoping this plan that we put in motion with Daisy to get rid of Logan works, and then we have Vincent as an easy vote next time we lose.

Click HERE to watch Rob’s Round 1 Video!

Click HERE to watch Conor’s Round 1 Video!

Click HERE to watch Dylan’s Round 1 Video!

So I'm more optimistic now that I've properly gotten to know a lot of my tribe, I think I'm socially in a good place but I'm trying not to get ahead of myself and get lazy with communication. I love the little group I've got with Beck, Cindi and Dylan and I think Dylan G and Christian or Chips would fit in like a glove if we ever visit tribal council, and we needed to bring in another couple of people.

All I have to say before tribal is that I really... finessed this vote.

Logan got lose and decided to voice call everyone telling them that they need to vote Daisy. Which made a lot of people more on edge to vote out Vincent. I don't want Vincent to go because I think he's still useful. He has the vote steal advantage and I think he's someone who trusts me. He might not be a number for other people, but Vincent is a number for me. SO I want to keep him around as much as I can cause I trust Vincent more than Logan. So to save Vincent, I decided to throw Logan under the bus and push for him to go. I'm glad I did that since that got traction with Szymon and Daisy on board with voting Logan. However, they weren't enough so I campaigned to Seamus, Gage, and Rob to vote Logan out. They were hesitant at first, but they eventually came around and got on the ship to vote Logan out. I had to voicecall Gage, Rob, and Szymon to convince them but I'm glad it worked. I mean, i had to throw out there that I had an alliance with Logan and Vincent in order to get them to expose Logan's other alliances, but I did what I needed to do in order to save Vincent. So with everyone on board to vote out Logan, I think I set myself up to be in a good spot moving forward.

If I'm gonna be the move maker this season, then I guess I'm starting out the game with one of the biggest moves yet. Poor logan being the first boot AGAIN, but that's what happens when you decide to scramble your butt off.

Click HERE to watch Gage’s Round 1 Video!

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Logan is voted out 8-1. He is the first person voted out of Celestial: Behemoth.

Watch the Round 1 Cast Assessment with Anna/Jack/Jones & Alyssa below:

[survivor-kuwait]

Episode 3 - "I can feel my fangs coming in...tail growing...literally about to snake someone tonight and idk who it should be." - Owen

Out of all the people to take out 9-1.... you take out Beastman? Like when Nehemiah- THE PERSON WHO WAS ALREADY VOTED OUT- was there? Like what kind of fucking logic is that? Seriously, had you all used your heads and actually THINK- that should've been the 9-1 vote... Not for Beastman. Literally livid right now, and while I love the immunity of the safe zone, I do not want to tempt fate and throw this next challenge. I am here for myself, and any agenda that I have of wanting this asshole of a player gone- needs to wait or I need to have others do it for me. Praying that it is the latter over the former.

Well, I’m sad that Matt B. Was voted out. I felt that I could have worked with him in the game. Now there is still 10 complete signs and Nehe (Pisces) in the game. We need to win the oasis atleast so we can talk to people because not being able to communicate with anyone else is really gunna hurt us. I rather be in the oasis than warzone. This next immunity looks like we have a chance to win but it is gunna be lucked bases and if anyone wants us to be in the warzone. Hopefully no one does and we can slip into the top 5 now? and hopefully top 3.

Matt will never read this but it's okay, I wanted to type out my reasoning as to why I was chill with him being voted out. 1. I'm trying to play a game that's a little more selfish and a little less selfless to see if I can catch lightning in a bottle and get a TS win. 2. I really liked Matt and had things gone differently I would have been all about a long term alliance, that being said if I'm going to work with someone I need them to be able to keep their name off the unanimous block. He didn't talk to anyone at all til it was too late. I need an ally that if I things gets sticky for me then they need to he able to have pull to help me out of it. 3. This is a long game and we only have quick snippets of time to make connections and I'm not about to throw my vote to spare someone's feelings and get 8 other people start to think I'm swishy washy. They need to believe they can call upon me if they need to. Sorry about the 9-1 vote, but it's a game and we have a long way left to go.

Only remaining Matt! And boy do I feel powerful. However, I feel worse than ever regarding the challenge, it’s just extremely complex and it requires myself and Adrien to put a lot more effort than we are putting in. It’s hard because with only two people there’s no one else to rely on but ourselves, and honestly it’s consistently easier just to defect to him so at least something gets done.

I am getting really worried. My partner hasnt been on today and hasnt really help with the challenge. Im sooo worried that we are going to lose. I was just meh about it so i dont even fucken know if the list will be good and the target list is like my own thoughts even if i told Renee it was random.orged. I just wish no one wants to target us and we are atleast in top 5. 

Well we lost immunity. It sucks. But I get to talk to Madison again and also Stephen which is good because I can try and like solidify something with them. Timmy is here too so I can try and work with him but we do have org history with each other. I just hope Renee and I arent targeted this round.

Most likely gonna stick with doodle and nehe this round, it was either nip that alliance immediately or ride it till its time to flip, flipping now would just antagonise everyone.

I feel like I’m doing well socially but thats on my side. I dont know how people are perceive me. 🤷‍♂️ I hope that I’ll be good for tonight. Timmy and I talked last night and it was really good. It was more of life than game. I enjoyed it. I really want to work with Timmy, hopefully its mutual.

Narrowly avoided tribal this round, probably thanks to Cancer and Virgo making their entire list for the challenge "do nothing". I'm not sure if they threw it on purpose or if that was some type of strategy to keep signs from being mad at them, either way it's a damn challenge, people can get over it. Especially when you can target a sign that has consistently been on the top on challenges in Capricorn. I don't care, I'm not going to tribal, in other news, I landed another hit in battleshits. I need to get that ship sunk before someone else happens to find it as well, if I can grab another advantage that's one more someone else can't use against me.

I want to get Stevie out. I don’t think it’s going to happen but i want to try. I would go for Owen but people tend to tell Owen things if he name is mentioned because he just has that personality. I don’t think Stevie would have those connections and it would be nice to limit that tribe since they went to the Oasis twice already (I think that’s what it’s called). I just need to look back to see if he is already the weak link on the tribe because then it might be better to keep him but honestly I’d still rather see him go. So I’ll try to get people on board for some plan.

I uh threw out a name out to Timmy. I really feel like we can actually work together in this game my target as of now is Stevie. He’s really nice person but havent really talked to him outside of the warzone chat. Timmy had the same idea so hopefully it could be an easy vote tonight. Timmy seems on board so he could get his partner Trace. Doodle amd Stephen want to work with me and Renee so we’ll have their votes too. I need to talk to madison but hopefully they would want to do Stevie too. Leaving both Capricorns on the outs which sucks cuz i like Owen.

This vote is getting closer and closer. I’m slightly getting more nervous. Its being very calm and quiet again. Stevie is still the target for me so we’ll see how that goes. I’m just worried that there would be messy scrambling the last hr or 30 minutes that would switch targets but right now it feels like Timmy is on board for Stevie and hopefully Stephen would be too.

for the first time, I spend the day in the Oasis. Winning 3rd place is a blessing and for it to be on this challenge, an even bigger one (not seen as a comp threat, can pretend we tried to flop but not make it obvious to the Pact). I am glad that I get to socialize with Willow a bit again. And hopefully I can socialize w Matt and Adrian a bit too. Cullan is lowkey dry and idk if he likes me at all but idk why he wouldn't. Tonight, the people I like are facing tribal council. Owen, Madison and Jacob cannot go home but Renee could! I hope some miracle pulls through and that b*tch is sent packing. I did not come for her in any way shape or form in immunity bc I want to be able to disingenuously rebuild w her if we make it onto the same tribe or we both make it to merge. Renee's ass did NOTHING BUT GRAB AND SRATCH ME HOWEVER. FUCKING BITHCHCISOAFHISHFSKLHGSHGKLS I DIDN'T EVEN LOOK UNTIL NOW. I HOPE OWEN LOOKED AT RESULTS AND IS ON THE SAME WAVELENGTHS AND GETS THAT BITCH OUTTA HERE.  Kait and Thomas also grabbed/scratched but nowhere near as much as Renee's dumbass did. She's an idiot, she has no game. I'm getting her ass out the fucking second I have a chance. Does she not remember how easy it was to get rid of her the moment I wanted to in Kanto? forget you, go home, goodbye! I mean, this is embarrassing. You threw every wrench you could at me yet still I am top 3 and I do nothing to you and still you are in the bottom 6. anyway, prayer circle for renee to go back to the fissure where she came from.

....

Okay soooo i did something bad LMAO I told Nehe I wanted to work with him and then I told madison/Jacob I wanted to work with them and then I told Timmy/trace I wanted to work with them hehe so my plan was to vote Stephen/Taylor or maybe go for renee but..... Nehe wants to vote anyone BUT Stephen taylor/ and madison+trace both don’t want to do maynor/renee.... fuck my life 

So basically I have to either turn on Nehe which would kinda suck or somehow convince madison and jacob to do renee or maynor but I feel like they might even go for Nehe and ughhh how did I put myself between this ALREADY My horoscope was right I am dying today

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I can feel my fangs coming in...tail growing...literally about to snake someone tonight and Idk who it should be. I THINK that right now it’s: Timmy/Trace/Madison going for Taylor, Nehe/Stephen/Taylor going for Renee, Maynor going for Stevie. I have no clue what renee and jacob want. Theoretically if stevie and I vote for renee it could be 5-4-2 if renee did stevie but I also think that madison could try to get renee to do taylor.... ugh. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lie to Nehe, he was the one who told me that Maynor wanted Stevie out. But I can’t screw over madison/Jacob/Trace/Timmy.... Maybe I could vote renee but Stevie could vote taylor,???? And then I tell madison and jacob that Stevie did renee? But I tell Nehe that I did renee??? Idk this is all just too complicated and some people like Stevie and jacob won’t ANSWR ME

Jshdia I am dying how messy this vote is getting. The names that have been thrown out are Renee, Doodle, Stephen, and Stevie. Hopefully we can have the votes stay on Stevie but im worried about Renee. I just hope Im safe tbh. It is a single games after all.

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I am dying right now. Its either gunna be doodle or stevie tonight. Me and Renee are hearing mix signals. Ugh I just hope it isnt me or Renee going. It would totally suck if i leave and it would be bad if Renee left. Its gunna be a crazy tribal thats for sure.

Ok so today has been interesting. It's been such a back and forth between Taylor and Stevie going but at this point it's going to be Taylor. I know I said I wanted Stevie earlier, but honestly it's not me going so I don't care too much tbh. Stevie's name has already gone around once now so it's not going to be too difficult to bring it up again in the future. I'm just hoping for a twist tonight honestly. Something needs to change about this game.

Ooo i dont know if anyone caught that in the warzone chat but Stevie posted he was pushing for Taylor then removed it. I was dying if this was an accident. 😂 but im just crossing my fingers that its Stevie tonight. Doodle seems like they wants to work with me so I want to keep them around.

I ACTUALLY CANNOT HANDLE THIS RN DSAKFJHFSKJD UIGHHHHHHHHHHHH okay so madison tells me jacob and timmy want stevie out and then shes like "wait maybe not" and im like ok and she's like "taylor it is" NNNN OK SO FUCK JACOB AND TIMMY FOR CONSIDERING STEVIE BEHIND MY BACK?????? now I feel extra bad for betraying nehe... but stevie wants to do taylor 100% and renee is seeming to do taylor too? idk if I should just vote taylor and do damage control with nehe/stephen or ifi  should vote renee and try to pin it on stevie idek anymore. im worried ppl are being sketch with me and voting me??? but I think if they were votin for me they wouldnt be trying to tell madison stevie or taylor or all this. and idk if taylor/stephen are rlly doing renee like nehe says....or if theyre doing stevie with maynor???? ugh idk. and renee I have no clue about this is just too much but whatever ill make up my mind when tribal comes and pray it isnt me

The Oasis was nice as a change of pace from the warzone definitely!! Sad I missed the movie tho

one good thing about the warzone.... i dont have to deal with nehe yelling at me tonight

I had a really good time at Oasis! It feels good to succeed at something and I’m glad I got to talk to new people, but it also really reminded me that there is so much game left to be played and so many new alliances that need to be made. Thor Ragnarok was good but I was literally waiting for Chris Hemsworth to yell an idol clue or something... and now there’s a swap so I can shit my pants about that

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Pants have been shat. This war zone thing AND being on a tribe with any of the 3 people I’ve talked to is freaking me out like sauerkraut. I just gotta keep showing up enough for these challenges!

Haha i am dying. Both times o switched my target. This one tho might have not beed good but i think it was because me being able to adapt is part of this game and willing to sacrifce someone is 🤷‍♂️. Now lets hope i can get something out of this search i have hit 3 slots with tonight at 11:11pm will be my 4th hit. Cross your fingers for me. This swap is good and bad. But i just need to stay away from the bottom 5.

Lmfao. I swap with the one person that i don't want to associate myself with, like at all. which means that my road to getting 15th is already settled. which i literally hate because i do not want to do anything with Nehe and he has the audacity of messaging me: "we good or nah?" like.... you do the fucking math. you screwed me over and you ask that? like ofc we're not good. like im gonna make it my mission to screw you and your allies that you have made over the course of the past 4 rounds. you are a fucking little snake and im here with a vendetta. and that is to get you OUT!

Honestly Nehemiah is so full of shit. Him telling me the move is Renee when he knows there are no numbers there. I want his ass OUT