#eddie's sun is christopher and buck no doubt

[eddiediaaz]

i should not be left to my own devices they come with prices and vices i end up in crisis

[fastcardotmp3]

I'm so excited that you are gonna write for 911. I am kinda obsessed with fics in that fandom at the moment (have not watched a single episode yet haha) so very cool to have one of my favourite writers engage with it!

first of all, thank you for your kind words!!! <3

second of all, truly fascinated with you for reading fic of a show you haven't watched and studying you through the glass of your enclosure as i toss you this snippet like giving a pumpkin to a tiger 👀

help me write!

Eddie steps out into Bobby’s backyard on a sunny weekend off-shift and Buck stops breathing. 

Something about the sight of him— the presence of him in this space as he’s led out onto the grass— is suffocating. It’s water forcing its way down into Buck’s lungs, a gasping for oxygen and the finding of the sea in its place, and Buck just— he just freezes. 

He gets stuck, for a moment, in a time where it never happened, where Eddie was never lost at all, where Buck never had to put on a brave face and keep going going going without breaking because he couldn’t afford to let Christopher down and he couldn’t afford to stop or he’d just fall to pieces and he was never quite sure he would survive it if he just— if he let himself feel. 

For a moment, Buck is three years younger and Eddie is his best friend— plain and simple— and everything isn’t easy, but it is good. 

But a moment is all it lasts, because a moment is all he gets before his tunnel vision opens up and he can see the entire breadth of scenery out here under the sun. Not just Eddie, but the context he’s stepping into. New people and new relationships and— and fucking new firefighters who Buck knows outside of his life and story with Eddie. 

It’s too much. It’s suffocating. He’s drowning in it and he knows without a shadow of a doubt that he can’t be here when all the pieces of his life start clashing together. He isn’t sure what happens when waves collide like that and he’s not ready to be pulled into the potential riptide again and so he bows out of his conversation with Karen and barrels his way past Eddie and Bobby setting food out on the table and through the sliding glass door back into the house. 

He can’t breathe. He can’t— he’s not built for this. He’s spent two years constructing a version of Evan Buckley that knows how to show up and be around and exist without his best friend, and now that he’s back it’s too much. It's too much.

[chronicowboy]

wip wednesday

i can no longer in good conscience gatekeep beneddie from the masses, i am nothing if not a fair and diplomatic ruler of the au, so have a tiny piece of this sad, wet, pathetic cat of a man with his gay little desires only realised through his son

 When Eddie blinks up at him, narrow-eyed but just a little fond, Buck is helpless to prevent the smile tugging at his lips.

"Hi."

"Hey," Eddie replies after a beat too long. He shakes his head in confusion. "What are you doing here?"

"Your budget taskforce was interfering with Bobby's romantic cruise plans, so he made me the parks and rec representative." Buck lets the smugness of his smile infect the words too, languishing in the small tick of Eddie's lips like he wants nothing more than to share in the joke with him. He hopes that one day Eddie will allow himself to do so. "I have so many ideas, I'm so excited. You're in for a real special summer."

"I don't doubt that," Eddie murmurs to the laptop.

"Hey, um, how's Christopher?" Buck tries not to be too offended by the shock on Eddie's face when his neck snaps up to look at him, reminds himself of the guarded defensiveness Eddie had hoarded Christopher away with in the microbrewery. He knows its nothing personal, but it stings all the same. "Did he enjoy the concert? I tried to find you guys before it ended, but things got a little hectic."

"Ah, we left at the start of Doe and Daisy's set, you wouldn't have found us. Chris gets sleepy in the sun, he conked out on the blanket before Tagliatelle in my belly." Eddie bites his lip and rearranges his notes on the desk before putting them back in their original place. "Wouldyouliketocometothezoowithus?"

this scene might be one of my favourites <333 @danielsousa @butchdiaz @gracelcdomas @diazly @jamietarts @shitouttabuck (lmk if you want to be added to the pnr au taglist !!)

[bieddiediaz]

four kisses

partially inspired by this fic by @capseycartwright. special thanks to my love @zeethebooknerd ❤

buck/eddie, 1108 words, fluff.

the first time they kiss is when chris and eddie have had a fight, and eddie’s in the kitchen upset and spiralling and doubting himself, and buck reassures him and comforts him and promises that he's not going anywhere. it’s small, it’s quick, barely noticeable among buck's words and the way he has their foreheads pressed together, but it warms eddie to his core.

they don't talk about it.

maybe it's for the best — maybe they're not ready, but it's okay because christopher comes out and he and eddie apologise to each other and eddie still has his family. he still has his son in his arms, and he still has buck, with fond glances and soft touches and seamless partnership and his friendship.

(if his gaze lingers sometimes, if every time he touches buck he wants to grab on and never let go, well. he’ll tell buck one day. 

he's just not ready yet.)

——

the second time they kiss is also in eddie’s house. 

(he’s starting to think this house, his home, will always contain traces of buck. he wouldn’t want it any other way.) 

they’re off shift, and his son is asleep down the hall, and he and buck are lounging on the couch, half-ignoring whatever movie’s playing on the screen in favour of just existing with each other, and eddie thinks this is the most relaxed he’s ever been. it’s been a perfect evening, extremely domestic in its simplicity, and maybe it should scare him — the level of comfort and dependency he has with his best friend — but instead it just makes him feel secure.

a loud sound from the tv startles him out of his musings, and he rolls his head against the back of the couch to turn to buck to find him looking right back at eddie, mirroring his position on the couch as his eyes twinkle.

eddie’s mesmerised.

they both lean in at the same time. it’s a little longer this time round, and eddie has time to wonder at the softness of buck’s lips and the warmth of his skin before they break apart to beam at each other.

they still don’t talk about it. 

(and it’s not like eddie’s unsure of his feelings for buck, but he’s definitely not sure of himself, and he knows buck has his own hang ups too, so. they don’t talk about it, and they keep being companions and partners on and off the field and whatever this something-more-than-friends zone is that they’ve found themselves in.)

——

the third time almost doesn’t count, except eddie can’t stop thinking about it. 

it’s been a rough call, and as they all return to the station and get cleaned up, and bobby heads to his office to call athena and hen and chim head upstairs to watch one of their dumb reality shows, eddie waits in the locker room for buck to come out of the showers. 

he’s so wrapped up in his own thoughts, though, that he doesn’t even notice buck’s footsteps until his shadow falls across his lap and eddie looks up from the ground to see him in shorts and an (is that eddie’s?) lafd hoodie and damp hair. buck wordlessly holds out a hand and eddie lets himself be pulled up, but instead of keeping him still, buck uses the momentum to wrap his arms around his waist and pull him into a hug. eddie folds himself around him in return, feels his partner relax into him and bury his head in the crook of eddie’s neck like he always does. 

eddie’s very aware of the way his own hands are gripping buck’s hoodie tight, and the way buck’s breath feels on his skin, and that after minutes pass and buck shows no signs of letting go, they’re in a room with glass walls and have been hugging longer than friends ever do, but he can’t make himself let go, either — especially when he feels buck’s lips press into his neck in the ghost of a kiss and stay there.

that small bit of comfort stays with him, even as they break apart and move upstairs, as they work their way through a simple meal, as bobby puts them back on rotation and they go out for more calls, as the sun rises and they all head home to sleep off their shift.

but they don’t talk about it.

eddie’s not an idiot - he knows they can’t go on like this forever, but he’s content with this slow pace, in this limbo with buck. 

(maybe he’s a little terrified of himself, though — every relationship he’s ever been in, he’s been selfish and inconsiderate and pushed and pushed until his partner broke. he’s already lost his child’s mother, in more ways than one, and he thinks — no, he knows —  he wouldn’t recover from losing buck.)

——

the fourth time is different. 

the fourth time isn’t by happenstance, the fourth time eddie makes happen, because. because - he can’t stop thinking about the way buck hugged him, the way he comforted eddie and let eddie comfort him, the way he and buck have always been so in sync with each other, how after a bad day all eddie wants is to see christopher and buck, and he’s lying in bed in the middle of the night, about to drift off, when his own words from that same locker room come back to him, unbidden - tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone. so if you love her, tell her.

suddenly eddie’s wide awake.

he doesn’t get any sleep that night. he gets up before his alarm, wakes up christopher and feeds him breakfast, gets him ready, drives him to school, and when christopher has disappeared into the building with a kiss on the cheek and a love you, dad!, eddie’s driving to buck’s loft on autopilot before he knows it.

he doesn’t know what he’s doing, can’t form a coherent thought beyond tell him. he’s not even sure what he wants to tell buck, he’s not sure he’s not going to fuck everything up, he’s not sure why he’s banging on buck’s door at eight in the morning, but when buck sleepily opens the door and mumbles ‘eds, what-’ all eddie can do is take buck’s face in his hands and press their lips together right there in the doorway until buck relaxes in his hold and kisses him back.

the need for air forces them to break apart eventually, and buck’s smile could power a thousand suns. eddie can only grin back helplessly and think that maybe ready is overrated.

[bisexualbuck]

Buddie + 20 👀

things you said that i wasn’t meant to hear

[READ ON AO3]

It’s the middle of the night at the Diaz house, and Buck is walking in unannounced.

He makes sure to be as silent as possible so that he doesn’t wake up Eddie and Christopher, even though his limbs are trembling and his sight is darkened by the lingering nightmare that woke him up, and he's afraid he might crash onto the first obstacle that will stand before him.

Buck isn’t expecting anyone to be up so late. He only came so that he could crash on the couch, and let his weary heart rest surrounded by the walls of the house he wished could be his home.

There’s light in the living room however.

Eddie’s soft-spoken voice floats up to Buck although he can’t make out what’s being said.

Oh, awkward. Should Buck just make his escape before Eddie notices him?

But no, they have promised one another to ask for help when they needed. If Buck wants Eddie to reach out to him when he has a nightmare, then Buck must reach out in return when he himself has one.

“Can’t you just let it go?” Eddie whispers loudly.

Buck frowns and steps further into the house.

Eddie is facing away from Buck who can see his computer’s screen from where he is standing, and he catches Sophia Diaz rolling her eyes.

Buck likes Sophia. He’s met her only a couple of times but she was a riot each time, and knew how to rile up her big brother like no one else.

Really, Buck doesn’t mean to eavesdrop. He truly is about to make his presence known but Sophia speaks up before he can, and this time, he’s close enough to hear her.

“Come on, Eddie,” she admonishes like only a sibling can. “You’ve told me weeks ago you wanted Buck to move in with you, why do you keep chickening out?”

“I don’t chicken out,” Eddie protests, just as Buck exclaims,

“You want me to move in with you?”

Eddie all but jumps out of his chair, spinning around, his hand going to his heart.

“Buck! What– when did you get here?”

In the background, Buck can see Sophia laughing.

“Just now,” he replies, a bit dazed. “You want me to move in with you?”

Any remnant of his nightmare is long gone, the happiness that’s setting his entire body alight, has extinguished the horror of the memories.

To Buck, Eddie is the sun, the light that guides him in darkness. His smile shines upon the lives of those he loves, Eddie quiets the cacophony of Buck’s mind with his rooted confidence, his affirmed loyalty.

Eddie is the sun and Buck would gladly go blind only for another glimpse of him.

Eddie is many things, and a coward has never been one of them.

“Yes, Buck,” Eddie admits, his smile soft and private. “I want you to move in with us.”

“Are you sure?” Buck asks, because he has to. “We aren’t even dating yet.”

It’s been hovering between them, unsaid, unacknowledged with words, but they both know. This is where they are going, and they are walking together toward the same end. They only take their times because they have both made mistakes before, with each other and with previous partners, and this is too important to rush.

The traits of Eddie’s face turn impossibly softer. If love had a face, it would be Eddie Diaz, standing in his living room, wearing gym shorts and a graying white shirt, as he stares at Evan Buckley with stars in his eyes.

“I’ve loved you for a long time, and I’ll love you for a long time still.”

Washed are all of Buck’s self-doubts. They will come back tomorrow like the tide returns to the shore, and Eddie will stand in all his grandeur and order the sea to gentleness.

“So have I,” he says. “So will I.”

And it should be fitting that the first time they say I love you to each other, it’s to confirm the longevity of their love.

Their journey together has not always been an easy one, but it is one that will continue for many years. All that Buck wants, is that it lasts for all the years that they have left.

They have been sharing the same path for years, ever since the promise of having each other's back. They were friends for a long time before they fell in love, or perhaps they have been in love just as long. Perhaps, to them, it's the same thing.

None of it matters though, only that they are here.

“I think that’s when you kiss each other,” Sophia pipes in.

Buck laughs, careful still to be quiet enough not to risk waking up Christopher.

“Why are you still there?” Eddie complains, but he’s smiling too.

“I had to make sure you wouldn’t mess it up somehow,” she says. “One can never be too careful with you two.”

“Well, we’re all set here, thanks for your help. Go be noisy to Adriana.”

“It’s not as entertaining.”

“Goodbye, Sophia,” Eddie says.

“Bye!” Buck adds cheerfully, waving at her.

The last thing they see of her before Eddie hangs up, is her sticking their tongue at them, her eyes sparkling.

“So,” Buck says in the quiet that follows. “We’re going to live together.”

“We are, yeah,” Eddie confirms with the same joy that Buck is feeling.

“And we’re dating, right?”

“We are dating, Buckley.”

“Copy that, Diaz.”

The space between them is unbearable, and so Buck walks into Eddie’s arms who welcome him like he belongs there. Maybe he does.

A mere two hours ago, Buck was waking up trembling, plagued by images of his friends bleeding out and dying. He was shaking as he got dressed, and he was so unsettled that he ordered an Uber rather than make the drive himself.

And now, Eddie is holding him tight, their gazes are meeting and neither will look away.

“I love you,” Buck says because he can, because there is nothing else to say.

“I love you too.”

Sophia was right. They could have been kissing much earlier, but making their journey on their own time has always been a necessity.

Still now, as they kiss, there is no rushing.

They know that they have all the time in the world. It’s only them and their hearts beating in unison.

They part, breathless, at peace. They let their foreheads touch, their bodies are pressed together, their fingers are laced together.

The two of them together, as it should be.

And now they are going to live together. All that Buck has ever wanted his going to be his, theirs to share. Tomorrow morning, Christopher will wake up, and he will find Buck and Eddie making breakfast together.

Perhaps then, they will tell him about Buck moving in.

“Is Christopher going to be okay with this?” Buck asks softly.

If Christopher asked, Buck would walk through Hell and back. He already has, he’s walked the streets of LA after the tsunami, bodies laying all around, he bleeding and terrified.

He would do it all over again for all of eternity if it meant Christopher was safe and happy.

“He was the one who had the idea first,” Eddie said.

“What?”

“He said you spend so much time here, there’s no need for you to have your own apartment.”

Buck snorts.

“This kid, I swear.”

“There’s no other like him,” Eddie smiles. “But he was right, this is your place. Everything here is yours, including us.”

And what can Buck do but kiss this impossible man senseless?

This time around, the kiss is less chaste though it’s still as sweet.

Neither could say how long they spend right, there, in the living room, kissing and laughing and talking. They talk about their future, about places they could go together, holidays they could take for Christopher.

They talk about the big things, the things that hurt – the nightmares, the fears – but they also talk about all the things that bring them joy, and these things are many.

They talk too about the small nothings that make up so much of life. They talk about their next shift, what they are going to tell their friends about the two of them being together, and what groceries they will need to buy.

The sky is lightening outside, they still have a few hours before Christopher wake up, but this bubble of time is theirs and theirs only yet.

It’s not until much later, after they have migrated to the couch, still pressed impossibly close together, that the realization hits Buck.

“I finally have a couch,” he blurts out.

“Yeah?” Eddie says. “You think that’s the right one for you?”

Months prior, they had this conversation. Buck being weary of making another mistake, he hadn’t known then that the perfect choice was right in front of him.

But he knows now, and he’ll never lose sight of it ever again.

This couch, in this house.

Their home.

“I’ve never been surer of anything.”

If Buck knows anything thing about the future, it’s that he has found where he belongs, and it’s by Eddie and Christopher’s side.

They are his home, his family.

He can’t wait to spend the rest of his life with them.

[kitkatpancakestack]

(I'm sorry not sorry. Interior Designer Eddie has me in such a chokehold.)

I

“What’s the difference between Autumn Breeze and Whispers of Apple?”

Buck crouches down so he’s eye-level with Christopher. “They’re exactly the same, Chris.”

“What?”

“Yep.”

“So how come Dad keeps making that face?”

Buck returns his attention to Eddie, who has the two candles in his hands. He sniffs one, nods to himself, takes a huff from the ziplock bag full of coffee grinds to cleanse his palette, and then sniffs the other. This repeats several more times. Buck thinks it’s absolutely the most ridiculous thing he has ever seen another human being do. He loves it.

“It’s all about his process,” Buck says, and can’t keep the mocking edge out of his voice even if he wants to. “You know this.”

“Buck,” Eddie calls, pinning a narrowed eye on him over his shoulder. “I can feel your judgement.”

Chris fails to suppress a giggle behind his hand and Buck raises his palms in a gesture of innocence. “I’m not. I swear.”

“If you’re going to be an idiot, then at least be a useful idiot and tell me which one you like better.”

Buck is familiar with this dance. He’ll pretend the candles don’t smell exactly the same, do eeny meeny miney moe in his head, and offer his opinion, and Eddie will furrow his eyebrows like he’s trying to uncover the rationale behind Buck’s choice, and ultimately ignore Buck’s input. It’s exhausting and endearing and a swirling conglomerate of emotions Buck has never experienced before.

“Keep in mind the other stuff I bought today,” Eddie instructs as Buck and Chris stop beside him. “Make sure it all fits, you know?”

Buck blinks at him. This side of Eddie is an eternally novel discovery. “Fits?”

“Yeah. Fits. With the whole . . .” Eddie gesticulates wildly around him, can’t find the words he’s looking for, settles on, “Theme.”

Buck rolls his eyes. “You submit pictures to a Home & Decor magazine one time . . .”

“Buck. Stop jawing and sniff.”

So Buck sniffs, and he pretends to consider, and he ignores the way the citrus-woodsy scent of Eddie’s body wash ignites his brain more than the candles. “I like Whispers of Apple.”

And in a shocking turn of events, Eddie says, “Me, too. Let’s go.”

A melodramatic groan unburdens itself from Christopher’s chest. “Finally.”

Eddie’s face pinches in as he steps behind his exceedingly full cart. Buck chuckles and picks Chris up, feeling the strain on his back as he gives him a piggy-back ride. He wonders how many more shopping trips he has until Chris is too big for piggy-back rides.

Buck takes Chris to the car while Eddie checks out. They’re already buckled in and waiting when Eddie tosses the bags inside, and then throws a Hershey Bar at Chris and deposits a bag of Skittles in Buck’s lap as he climbs into the driver’s seat.

“Wow,” Buck says, ripping into the package. “Someone’s feeling generous.”

Eddie rolls his eyes and reverses out of the parking space. His voice is soft around the edges when he says, “I know I was a bit more insufferable today than usual.”

Chris grunts some scathing form of agreement. Buck stares at the side of Eddie’s face as he pulls out of the Target parking lot, fingers clenched tightly at ten and two on the steering wheel. “You’re not insufferable, Eddie.”

One quick glance, a fleeting flash of brown eyes full of doubt. “It’s okay. It’s a lot. It’s dark out now and we were up before the sun.”

“Stop apologizing for your interests.”

A tense moment of silence slithers through, but then Eddie nods and relaxes his shoulders, and the heavy air in the truck dissipates.

They make it half-way home before Eddie stops at a redlight and goes, “Shit.”

Buck startles, having settled into the comfortable silence, smiling at Christopher’s tiny snores from the back seat. “What?”

“The throw pillows and the afghan I bought, they’re burnt umber. And the wreath has leaves. And the doormat says Leaf your Worries Behind.”

Buck’s gut twists. “Eddie, don’t you say it. Don’t you fucking say it.”

“I picked the wrong candle.”

“Eddie.”

“We have to go back.”

And it’s useless, because Buck isn’t driving, and all he can do is watch helplessly as Eddie flicks his turn signal on and U-turns them back to Target.

[tabbytabbytabby]

By The Fire

Read on AO3

“Why are we doing this again? And where are we going?” Eddie asks for what feels like the hundredth time. He’d feel bad for asking, but Buck has yet to give him a straight answer.

“I’ve told you, you need a vacation,” Buck tells him. “And with Christopher on his own little vacation, right now is the perfect time.”

“And I told you that I’m fine staying at the house by myself,” Eddie says. “You don’t have to distract me.”

“That’s not why I’m doing it,” Buck argues.

Eddie takes in Buck from his place in the passenger’s seat. Buck’s sitting straight, his fingers tapping on the steering wheel as he stares out at the road in front of them. It started snowing close to an hour ago, but Buck has continuously assured Eddie he’s fine to drive. “I’m from Pennsylvania, Eddie, I’ve driven in snow before.”

Eddie doesn’t point out that that was years ago. 

He’d been content to just let Buck drive. Even if his curiosity did get the better of him from time to time.

“I know you miss him too,” Eddie says softly.

Buck shoots him a look before his gaze quickly moves back to the road. “I do,” Buck says just as softly. “But that’s not why I’m doing it either.”

“Then why?”

“I told you,” Buck says. “You need a vacation. When was the last time you did something fun for yourself?”

Eddie opens his mouth, prepared to argue that he does stuff for himself all the time. But then he closes it when he realizes he really can’t think of anything. And he’s never had a problem with that. He loves Christopher. All he’s ever wanted was to give him the best life he can while making sure he’s safe and happy and loved. And he’s done a damn good job of that.

“I know you love Chris, Eddie,” Buck carries on as if he’s sensed where Eddie’s mind has gone. He probably has. He knows Eddie better than anyone else. “So do I. But that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to take time for yourself.”

“I know that,” Eddie says.

“Good,” Buck says, shooting a grin his way. “Then sit back and relax. We should be there soon.” Eddie opens his mouth, a question already on his lips, but Buck is quick to cut him off. “And no, I won’t be telling you where there is. It’s a surprise.”

Buck really does know him too damn well.

It's another hour before Buck pulls off the highway onto a small two-lane road. Eddie would question what Buck's definition of soon is, but he knows the weather hasn't exactly helped.

The sun is starting to set when Buck pulls up in front of a cozy, but small sized cabin. Buck stops the car and Eddie stares.

"A cabin in the woods?"

Buck shrugs in his peripheral. "You said you've never done anything like this, which felt like a shame. So here we are." 

Eddie stays silent as he takes in the view in front of them. It's a beautiful one. With the Snowy landscape and the sun setting over the lake behind the cabin. 

No, he's certainly never done anything like this before.

It hits Eddie that this whole thing feels a lot like some romantic getaway. Like something he'd see in a movie. 

Because it is from a movie. 

Some cheesy RomCom he'd watched with Buck weeks before. Neither had really picked it out. It'd just been on TV one night and neither had turned it off, instead, they'd made comments about how unrealistic some aspects were, and at some point, Eddie had made the comment about how he'd never stayed at a cabin in winter.

Buck had gone quiet then like he's gone quiet now. He's fidgeting nervously beside him. And Eddie realizes he too has been quiet, and Buck's probably starting to have his doubts.

"This is nice, Buck," Eddie says sincerely. "Thank you."

"You don't think it's too cheesy?"

"Maybe." Eddie laughs. "But there's nothing wrong with a little cheese every now and then."

Buck grins. "No, there is not."

"So, are we just going to sit here and look at the cabin or are we actually going to go in?" Eddie asks him.

"What if I told you I drove us out here just to look at the cabin?" 

"I'd call you a liar," Eddie says. "I know you better than that."

"That you do."

Eddie follows at a slower pace when Buck jumps out of the jeep and runs to the back. Buck's jumping from foot to foot when Eddie reaches him. 

"What's wrong with you?"

"It's cold!" Buck mutters. "Oh my god. Why is it so cold?"

Eddie raises an eyebrow as he grabs his duffle and throws it over his shoulder. "Because it's snowing and it's winter."

"So?"

"So those two things usually mean cold," Eddie replies.

"Let's just get inside," Buck says. "We can appreciate the beauty from someplace warm."

Eddie ducks his head to hide his amusement as Buck takes his bag, closes the trunk, and all but runs towards the door. 

Or at least, he's attempting to run. But there are about 5 or so inches or more of snow that they're battling through to reach the door. 

Buck's a few feet ahead of him, muttering to himself as he half runs, half hops hips way towards the cabin. 

And then he stops. He seems to slide for a moment, his arms flailing out beside him before he starts to fall. 

"Buck!" 

Eddie fights his way through the snow toward where Buck fell. When he gets there, Buck is staring up at the sky, eyes wide. 

"What the fuck."

"Must have been some ice," Eddie says. "Are you okay? Did you hit your head?"

"I'm okay," Buck tells him. "And I don't think I hit my head."

Eddie offers him a hand. "Come on. Let's get you inside."

"Yes, please."

Eddie pulls Buck to his feet and keeps a hand on his back as they walk the rest of the way towards the cabin. Buck puts a code into the door and opens it. He's the first one through, with Eddie just behind him. 

Buck stops just inside. "Oh."

One word, but Eddie knows exactly what it means as he looks around the cabin. He'd been right when it thought it looked cozy. It certainly is inside as well, but small was also right. 

It looks like there are only three rooms in the entire place, two of them being the bathroom and the kitchen.

The other room is the one they're standing in. There's a fireplace, already set with wood next to it, and a recliner by the window. And there, right in the middle is a bed. 

One single bed. 

He glances at Buck, who's biting his lip as he looks at the bed. His whole body shakes as a shiver rocks through him and he wraps his arms tighter around himself.

"Did you uh…?"

"I didn't do this on purpose!" Buck blurts out, looking at Eddie now with wide eyes. 

Eddie raises his eyebrows. "I didn't say you did. I was going to ask if you wanted to change out of your wet clothes."

Buck looks down at himself. "Oh."

"So?"

"What?"

Eddie laughs. "Are you going to change?"

"Right! Yeah! I should do that." He picks up his bag from the floor and groans.

"What is it?" Eddie asks him.

"I dropped my bag in the snow when I fell. It's wet too." He drops it again and kneels next to it. Eddie watches as he looks through it, muttering to himself. "All my clothes are wet."

"I brought extra, you can just borrow some of mine," Eddie offers. 

Buck's head snaps up. "Really?"

Eddie shrugs. "We can't have you freezing to death. You get changed and I'll get the fire going."

He takes his shoes off and then the bag Eddie holds out for him and disappears into the bathroom. Eddie goes to the fireplace and kneels down next to it. 

He places some logs in the fireplace and works on getting it lit. Then he sits back and watches it for a moment. 

It's nice, but Eddie still can't shake the thought of this being a little on the romantic side.

A throat clears behind him and he turns. Buck's standing there beside the bed, watching him. Eddie just stares. He knew realistically that Buck would be wearing his clothes, but knowing it and seeing him in them are two very different things. Because the sight is enough to knock the breath right out of him and send his heart racing.

Buck's wearing his clothes. His clothes. They're a little small on him, the top riding up exposing a hint of skin. Eddie has to tear his eyes away. He keeps his eyes on a spot on the floor as he gets to his feet.

"Fire's going," Eddie tells him, relieved when his voice somehow remains steady. 

"I can see that," Buck says. "The bed's nice and comfortable too."

Eddie glances up, and almost wishes he hadn't. If he thought simply seeing Buck in his clothes was bad, seeing Buck sprawled out on the bed with an arm thrown behind him and his stomach now on full display really might do him in.

That's it.

He's going to die right here in this cabin.

"Eds?"

Eddie clears his throat and makes himself meet Buck's questioning gaze. "Yep?"

His voice is far less steady now. Just that one word feels like it's been strangled out of him.

"Are you going to stand there all night?" Buck asks him. "Or are you going to come to bed?"

"It's only 6 o'clock," Eddie points out.

Buck shrugs. "We've had a long day of driving. And besides…"

"What?"

"I'm still a little cold," Buck tells him.

Eddie could tell him he could always get under the covers. He could offer to throw another log on the fire, turn the heat up, anything. 

But instead, he takes a few slow steps towards the bed. "Are you now?"

Buck nods. "The fire's nice, but I know something that works better."

Eddie stops at the edge of the bed and looks down at him. "What's that?"

In answer, Buck reaches out for Eddie's hand and pulls him down into the bed with him. His hands rake up Eddie's back, pulling his shirt up and exposing his skin. It's Eddie's turn to shiver. It's less to do with the cold and more to do with finally having Buck so close.

"Body heat," Buck murmurs against his ear.

This has to be a dream. Something he must say out loud because Buck chuckles and places a soft kiss on his jaw. "This is real."

"You could still say that in a dream," Eddie points out.

Buck pulls back enough to look into Eddie's eyes. He cups his cheek with one hand and takes Eddie's in the other. He brings it to his neck, right over his pulse. Eddie feels. He feels the way it pumps steadily against his fingers. A sign of life and so much more.

"Do you feel it?" Buck asks him.

Eddie nods. "You're alive."

Buck grins and moves his hand up so he can run it through Eddie's hair. "Oh good. It would sort of ruin the mood if I wasn't. Unless you're into talking corpses."

"I'm into you."

For so long, Eddie's felt like he's had to hold back on his feelings for Buck. There was always some reason, some excuse.

But he doesn't want to look for excuses anymore. He doesn't want to be afraid anymore. This is Buck. His best friend. The man he's probably been in love with since he met him. He doesn't have to be afraid with him.

He's always trusted Buck to have his back. Now it's time he trusts him to have his heart too. 

Buck leans up and brushes his lips softly against Eddie's. It's a barely-there kiss that has Eddie yearning for more and chasing his lips when he goes to pull back.

Buck chuckles and pecks his lips again. "Hold on. Just… wait."

"What is it?" Eddie asks him.

"I just need you to know something before we go any further," Buck says, and Eddie nods for him to continue. "I'm in love with you, Eds. You and Christopher are my world, and I …"

"I know," Eddie assures him. "We love you too Evan. I love you."

Buck's answering smile is breathtaking, and Eddie just has to kiss him. So he does. 

Outside, it continues to snow. But neither Eddie nor Buck notices. They're too wrapped up in the warmth of the blankets and each other to pay any mind.

[feral-peacock]

Today I'm thinking (screaming) about Buck LITERALLY LAYING HIS HEART OUT ON EDDIES TABLE AND LITERALLY GIVING HIM HIS HEART and @hmslusitania 's amazing fic Leave the Light On (I'll Be Coming Home) where Eddie tells Buck "You had my heart" and because that quote had been embedded in MY HEART for a while. (Please please please read this fic it's beautiful) And just these two and how they may not be to the point of professing anything yet but they both will give each other their own hearts in a million different ways a million different times. Neither will leave any room for doubt how much they love trust need and WANT the other and it's insane. They each hold and protect and covet and cherish and LOVE the others heart.

NOT TO MENTION HOW INTRICATELY WOVEN BOTH OF THEIR HEARTS ARE WITH CHRISTOPHER. Buck made a heart for Eddie with Christopher while helping Christopher finish his homework while Eddie was at therapy. This whole episode was Dad!Buck to the extreme. Following up last week when Buck was Christopher's first call in an emergency and Buck raced over to help his boys. We picked up with Buck dropping off Chris at school, helping him with homework, and finding and taking him to equine therapy. Buck seamlessly fits into the Diaz household and family just like he did when Eddie was shot and then he didn't even know about the will which leaves me with no doubts that he would be doing the EXACT SAME THING even if Eddie hadn't changed his will or told Eddie about the will. AND THATS EXACTLY WHY EDDIE CHANGED HIS WILL. Because he doesn't second guess Buck. He knows Buck will do what's best for Christopher the way he knows the sun will rise.

Bring it back to when Bobby said "Having a kid is like having your heart outside of your body." CHRISTOPHER is BOTH Eddie and Bucks heart. He is a physical manifestation of their love and their love language. Doing things with Christopher is their safe way of loving each other all the way back to Eddie's second episode when Buck took him to pick Christopher up. They may not be making out against walls in the station but they have both freely and KNOWINGLY given the other their own heart fully without stipulations. This episode was so beautiful and I'm so emotional and they are so soulmate shaped and so family shaped.

[wackybuddiemewbs]

WIP Wednesday

Hello there. Another AU I'm oddly obsessed with. I guess the concept of Being Human is just one of my many guilty pleasure AUs and I have since accepted my fate lol.

Basic idea: Buck and Eddie are not just your regular roommates. Because Buck is a werewolf and Eddie is a vampire, two men trying to manage their monsters, their jobs at the hospital, and raising Eddie's son Christopher.

Find out more here: Moodboard

There is this saying that we only appreciate what we have when we lose it.

And sure, true enough.

Because we easily take things for granted. We don’t even think about it that the sun will shine another day. That we have air to breathe. That the people we care about are part of our lives, even if they often annoy us.

And most of us, without a shadow of a doubt, take it for granted that we will wake up human every single day.

Because it makes sense. Because it happened so often before, why question it now? Why even entertain the thought of things being different, when there is no reason for it?

But is that really all of it?

Because sometimes, we appreciate something we don’t have, something we couldn’t ever lose because we never had it in the first place.

And sure, stupid enough.

Because it makes no amount of sense to miss something you never had. You don’t even know what it would actually be like. You may very well hate it, if only you’d give it a shot. It may not have been what you envisioned it to be. What you didn’t want may turn out to be so much better than this.

What seems to be true about most humans is that we strive for things we don’t have. Or rather, strife always comes from a place of wanting something you don’t already have. Why else seek it, right? If you already found the treasure, you have no longing for finding it anymore.

We can’t miss what we never had, not really. Because we don’t know what it’s actually like. But we can miss the feeling of striving for it, this feeling that if you work just hard enough, one day, you may achieve it. We can miss the fantasy of a happily ever after, of a would could have been, if live hadn’t played this way or the other.

Perhaps it’s the loss of a dream.

Perhaps it’s the loss of a reality you thought you could take for granted.

Because the only certainty you have that there is another day is your past experience. No one can foresee the future. We can look back, and make an estimate based on that, on the thousand of miles we have walked since. And sure enough, most of the time, we’ll be just right.

But what if, just one time, we aren’t?

Then yes, you end up missing a lot, you learn to appreciate that which you took for granted. Because it suddenly is no more.

And what’s perhaps most torturous is seeing people achieving and having what you were foolish enough to take for granted. Not because you begrudge them the normalcy they have, the wonder of it. But because you suddenly find yourself standing on the other side, looking in. And you have no way to get through, no way to get to the other side. Because the only thing you see is a shadowy reflection of yourself, promising only that.

A shadow of what you once were.

A paling image of the dreams you used to have.

A faint glimpse at the person you were before all hell broke loose.

And all you can do is look back at it, because we can’t look forward.

Though perhaps that is part of the human condition, too, maybe even the whole of it. Learning to live without the dreams you used to have. Learning to live despite what you are. Learning to strive, even though you know for a fact that you won’t ever make it there. Learning to appreciate to want something, knowing you’ll never have it. Learning that wanting is what keeps us alive, what keeps us human.

Because the moment we no longer want, the moment we no longer care, that is when we give up. And that is indeed the end of the road, no forward and no back.

So it seems that the best we can do is to keep on dreaming.

Because our dreams are what makes us aim at a future, to keep moving forward against all those many odds.

Because our dreams are what makes us human.

And for some of us, that is indeed the dream.

###

Buck chews on his bottom lip as he watches the paramedics of the firefighters bring in the stretcher with a victim from the burning house complex that was all over the news.

Han, Wilson, Nash.

He’s seen those names often on the turnout coats, whenever they help along to transport a patient inside the hospital. So often that it feels like they have been burned into the back of his head. And even covered in dust and soot, they shine brighter than anything Buck has ever seen.

Those are real heroes out there. They save peoples’ lives from impossible situations. They get to do that with their lives.

Isn’t that amazing?

When Buck stands just right, he can see a turnout coat mapped on his own reflection. A pretty little fantasy that he knows he should have long since stopped entertaining.

Because that’s just not where his life is headed.

Not anymore, at least.

Not that Buck has any deeper knowledge of where his life is headed nowadays. He thought he had some idea, at long last, after returning to the U.S. But that’s the funny thing about life. It fucks you over when you least it expect it, and not at all in the kinky way.

He thought he would get to follow a dream.

He thought he would get to follow his heart.

But he thought wrong. Because life is unpredictable, sometimes downright brutal, and all you are left with are reflections, little lies painted on glass, of promises long since forgotten, abandoned, dead.

Buck is pulled out of his thoughts when he feels someone tapping their fingers against his chest.

“Buck, stop staring at people, that’s creepy.”

Swatting the familiar hand away, Buck turns around with a huff. “I’m not staring, I’m observing, Eddie.”

The other man grins as he leans back against the wall. “Yeah, which is another way to say that you’re staring.”

Eddie crosses his arms over his chest, way too amused about this than Buck would want him to be. Not that he minds, really. He never minds with Eddie.

“Plus,” he continues, his voice trailing off, “there’s better things to direct your attention to.”

Buck whips his head around. “Chris is here?”

Eddie frowns at him, then rolls his eyes. “No, Christopher is at school. Like any boy his age around that time of the day. Duh.”

Heaving another sigh, Buck turns his attention back to the firefighters starting to move out to go on their next mission to fight for life itself. “Then what’s worth my attention?”

Sure, deep down, Buck knows he shouldn’t keep doing it, trying to see himself in a reflection not his. It’s not healthy. He should be better at letting go.

But sometimes, it’s just too tempting to look at the life you may have had, if life hadn’t made you the butt-end of a joke.

Eddie holds a newspaper in front of his face. “Two master bedrooms, a room that can easily be redone as a children’s bedroom. Big, accessible bathroom. No unnecessary stairs. A small garden. And it’s not that far away from the woods you’ve been frequenting anyway. I spoke to the owner, we can look at the house right after work if we want.”

Wrinkling his nose, Buck takes the newspaper from him to skim through the information in print.

“Kind of antiquated, don’t you think?” he snorts, amused. “Of course you’re the one guy to still look through newspapers for that.”

“Well, I got us a house visiting,” Eddie huffs. The newspaper rustles as he takes it back from Buck in a snappish motion.

“I got us the one before that,” Buck argues.

“Yeah, and it was shit.”

“I liked it,” Buck retorts.

Fine, it wasn’t the Four Seasons, but it could have worked just fine. If the landlord stood true to his promise to fix the plumbing in time, that is.

“That’s no high bar. I’ve seen your apartment,” Eddie snorts. “Man cave, more like.”

“Way to motivate a guy. At this rate, I may reconsider moving in with you,” Buck huffs, unable to hide a smile this time.

Eddie only chuckles softly at that. “Oh yeah? Good luck explaining to Christopher why you suddenly don’t want to be roommates with us anymore.”

“You fight very dirty, Dr. Diaz,” Buck replies, narrowing his eyes at him mockingly.

Because yeah, as if.

His life is certainly not what he dreamed it to be, not even by a stretch, but Christopher and Eddie pose the single greatest improvement of the past years. Buck understands that Eddie wants to find the perfect place, he’s like that, always wanting what’s best for his son. But Buck just wants to finally get on with it. He is ready for the next chapter. Which is why he was totally fine with every single apartment or house they looked at before.

So long we’re in this together, we’ll be just fine. The day can’t come soon enough.

“I scheduled an hour after work,” Eddie continues. “So don’t go camping in the children’s ward again and come to the parking lot on time. Or rather, start going five minutes early. Because I know you never get past the nurses without getting drawn into the latest gossip.”

Buck tilts his head to the side. “You know, now you tempted me to take up Tiana on her invitation to a tea party. She said I’d get to pet her unicorn plushie. Imagine that!”

“Almost cute,” Eddie snorts, tapping his arm lightly. “Still, be there on time.”

“Sure thing.” He shrugs. “Now go on break some bones.”

Eddie shakes his head, amused. He hates all those physical therapist jokes with a burning passion. Which makes it Buck’s absolute guilty pleasure to bring them up every damn time.

Eddie pushes away from the glass. “Have fun with the bedpans.”

He gives Buck’s shoulder one last squeeze before walking away again.

Buck looks back down on the newspaper, then at the firefighters still talking to the doctors to give them all the details they need for the guy they just brought in. With a whole ass harpoon through his stomach.

He is not staring, he really isn’t. Buck is just observing, catching glimpses at the things that could have been but never were.

At the man he could have become.

His eyes drift back to the newspaper, reminding himself that those are the things that could be, even if they don’t reflect the light.

[panicatthediaz]

40 (almost kiss) + 54 (secret relationship)? 🥰

Being in bed at 12:00 am will not stop me, I guess. Bonus Getting Together, I guess. Spent 3 or so hours at this. Ops.

Post S4. This is a disgusting amount of fluff. Unbeta'd (but self proof-read) as I wrote this from 12 am to 3:30 am.

On AO3

Years In The Making

Not that he believed it, but he was sure most people around him would say it was meant to be; something fated somewhere to happen somehow. Eddie didn't really believe that.

What he did believe was that they may have been too afraid (or maybe too repressed, in his case) to see what was going on, what had been growing for a long while. Years, maybe?

But getting shot (again) had given him a good shake, and he could say he'd been almost disappointed to see Ana by his bedside. No fault of her own, of course not, but...

He was pretty sure of what he wanted at that moment.

Breaking things off with her hadn't been that difficult, or painful, a couple of weeks after his return home. Ana's disappointment was clear, but she seemed to know as well as he did that they weren't going anywhere as a couple. With a promise to stay in touch, she walked out of his home one last time.

Now all he had to do was talk to Buck.

-

Buck had been cagey for the first few days when Eddie had asked him about Taylor. It took about a week and a couple of beers for him to blurt out, "She kissed me then ran out." He fidgeted for a couple of minutes. "Then she came back and we talked through it."

Eddie's heart sank, but he still put on a smile for the sake of his friend (if that was all that he would be for Buck, he'd make do). "And?"

"And we are at very different stages when it comes to romance." Buck shrugged, but the tiny frown was right there between his brows. "She became a good friend, but damn, we wouldn't have lasted as a couple."

Buck finished his beer and turned to Eddie, though not looking beyond the water bottle he was holding in his one good hand.

"She, uh... She isn't quite who I want." Buck cleared his throat, abruptly standing up and walking away from the dining table to place his empty bottle in the recyclable bin. "How is Ana, by the way?"

Eddie accepted the deflection well enough, watching as Buck stood by the doorway with his arms crossed, a stance that tried to project calm. Eddie doubted he was anywhere near it; he never enjoyed talking about failed relationships (including those that never took off).

"We broke up last week," he replied easily, standing up to refill his bottle in the kitchen. "Don't worry," he added, seeing the wide-eyed surprise (and dare he say, hope?) in Buck's expression. "It was pretty amicable and even. We both saw we weren't going to get anywhere and decided to split."

"Okay," Buck whispered, following him into the kitchen. "You okay?"

Eddie nodded, smiling. "Yeah, I'm fine." Though he had to ask... "Who is it?" Buck's confused, scrunched-up expression was pretty damn cute, making him look a little bit more like the Golden Retriever pup Hen and Chimney often compared him to. "You said Taylor isn't who you want, so who is it?"

"Eddie," he said on a groan, though he simply leaned against the counter instead of answering.

"See," Eddie spoke with a new bout of confidence (maybe just as ill-placed as the excitement he was starting to feel), standing against the sink across from Buck. "I'm kind of hoping for a specific answer here."

Buck didn't reply. Eddie had barely even noticed a shift in Buck's expression before he moved into his space, pressing a hard kiss against his lips, a huge contrast to how softly his hands cradled his head and how careful he was to not press against the sling and his injured shoulder.

Eddie wasn't sure if the bottle ended up on the sink or on the floor by their feet. What mattered was that he managed to get his hand on Buck's neck, drawing him even closer.

(Not that Buck let either of them press too close, and god, he loved him.

And he was distantly aware that he should be at least a little freaked out over the thought after one kiss - their first kiss - but, well... Years in the making and all that.)

-

One kiss became two, became many, and Eddie could see the same feelings reflected in Buck's blue eyes. Belonging, a finally and a home.

There was no need to go beyond kissing and cuddling, both of them content to sit even closer together, hands intertwined whenever they could.

It was... Soft in a way Eddie hadn't had in so long, intimate in ways he thought he wouldn't experience.

-

And they weren't subtle, weren't actively trying to keep anything a secret. Eddie was still off work, doing his PT as he should and Buck had been staying at his house (their home, he couldn't help but think every time) since Eddie got out of the hospital anyway.

But two months passed and the only two people aware of the change in their relationship were Christopher and Carla because they found them cuddled up on the couch, Eddie knocked out by painkillers and then too out of it to deny anything when his son questioned him about it.

(Christopher had simply nodded with a mumbled "Good" and left it at that. They still had no idea what that was about.)

The sling had come off a few days ago, though he still couldn't do that much, and it was driving Eddie up a wall. Buck was at the station, and he didn't want to think about the conniption he'd have if he drove there.

He knocked on Christopher's bedroom door, opening it slowly to see his son smiling at him from where he sat with his book.

"Hey, buddy." It was impossible not to smile back, feeling the all-encompassing warmth at the fact that he was still here, could see his son growing up for a while longer. "What do you say we pay a visit to the station?"

The frown he got for that was so much like Shannon's that he didn't know what to do with the pang in his chest. There was no guilt, not then, over the fact he missed her. He just did, she should be able to see how much their kid was growing, how much like her he could be sometimes. And maybe she was, if the afterlife turned out to be a thing after all.

"You are not supposed to drive."

And that tone was way too much like Buck's, just this morning, for Eddie to hold back his laughter.

"I was thinking we could take an Uber." He shrugged with his left shoulder. He might have been desperate to get out of the house, but he wasn't stupid; he didn't want pain and he didn't want to end up lectured by the entire team once he got there. "What do you say?"

Christopher considered it for a moment, then placed his bookmark and got up. "Let's go!"

-

"You better not have come in your car, Eddie!"

He rolled his eyes at the very much expected exclamation as Christopher giggled beside him.

"Don't worry, Buck," the kid said, walking ahead as Buck came downstairs. "I didn't let him drive."

"Thank God for you, kid," Buck said, kneeling on one knee to give Chris a hug. "Your dad is stubborn, he probably would have driven here if it weren't for you."

"Hey!" There was no real annoyance in his protest, but Eddie still said, "I get enough sass from my kid, don't you start, too."

Buck, in such a show of maturity, stuck out his tongue at him before turning to Christopher once again.

"Come on, buddy, let's go see the fun people."

Chris' laughter echoed in the station, and Eddie let the light atmosphere carry him upstairs to the loft where he was greeted by the rest of the team with hugs, and some friendly pats on (thankfully) his uninjured shoulder.

Chimney and Hen immediately walked with Christopher to the pinball machine, and Bobby had given him a plate of leftover breakfast to carry wherever he ended up sitting.

He chose the couch, where Buck had already made himself comfortable again and was currently watching the trio at the machine. They could hear Hen encouraging Chris to beat Chim's high score.

"Hey you," Buck greeted softly, an arm going around his shoulders as Eddie adjusted himself.

"Hey yourself." Buck glanced at the other side of the loft, then pressed a quick peck to his lips. Apparently, everyone was sufficiently distracted. "How are you?"

"So far so good." He took one of the biscuits from Eddie's plate, quickly popping it into his mouth as if Eddie hadn't sat here to share them. "I'd ask how your day is going, but it's obvious you're bored out of your mind."

Eddie groaned, letting his head fall back against Buck's arm. He was beyond bored, at this point, and no amount of movies or video games had helped. Buck's chuckle beside him was another pretty good incentive to get out of the house.

He turned his head to face him, his own expression undoubtedly soft as he took in the man that had been by his side for so long and for so many things already.

Buck's expression softened even more, somehow, his smile bright as the sun and even warmer. He leaned closer and-

And what sounded like a very undignified squeak interrupted their almost-kiss, causing Eddie to huff in mild annoyance and turn around.

Chimney stood by the dining table, gaping at them. Bobby was still in the kitchen and turned to look at them at the sound of Chimney's squeak.

"What's wrong, Chim?" Hen asked, frowning all the way from the pinball machine (where Christopher continued to play).

"They..." He gestured between the two of them. "Since when are you two together?!" He ignored Hen's own surprised exclamation. "They were about to kiss!"

"Yeah," Eddie confirmed, nonchalantly making himself comfortable in Buck's arms in the new position so he could look at the rest of their team. "And you had to ruin the mood."

Buck hid his face in his hair, and Eddie could hear the quiet snickering. They really thought the others would have caught up after two months of visiting Eddie at least once every few days.

"What about Ana?"

"We broke up two months ago, man."

"And Taylor?"

"Dude, we never started dating in the first place." The exasperation was clear in Buck's voice. "She's really just a friend."

Chimney nodded, satisfied for the time being. They had no doubt that there would be more questions later.

"When did this even happen?" Hen asked this time, walking over with Christopher.

"Two months ago," Chris answered before either of them could, smiling a little too innocently. "A week or something after Dad broke up with Miss Flores."

Eddie had no idea Christopher knew that level of details, but he had definitely been out of it when he told him. Maybe he said more than he remembered.

"Well," Bobby finally spoke up, walking over to their little family unit on the couch, now that Christopher was tucked on Eddie's other side. "I'm happy for you two." Eddie could feel whatever tension had been on Buck's body (not that there was much in the first place) drain out of him at Bobby's words. "And we can deal with HR and paperwork once you're back at the station," he added, directed at Eddie. Bobby's smile was genuinely warm, putting him even further at ease.

Years in the making. Maybe it was obvious to everyone else, but Eddie wouldn't change a thing about the road they took to get here. It had been hard and full of hurt, but what they had was solid and them and it was definitely worth it all.

Including the cheering, clapping, and whistles of everyone else when Buck pressed a kiss to his lips right there and then simply because he could.

[elvensorceress]

I had too many feelings after yesterday’s episode. So, here. Have an angsty snippet of angst. 

Everything Is Fine

It’s not the loss of light that bothers him, or even the whole station living on top of each other for days on end. It’s the unending heat. Constantly sticky, constantly sweating, constantly too much. But he wants to set a good example for his newfound probie protégé, so he does what he does best. He wears a smile and keeps track of what he can control and shows the world that he’s fine. 

Everything is fine. 

Except that nothing is. 

The blackout, the power outages, the zoo escapees, the sad food, the lack of his own cellphone — that he can handle. All things considered, they’re nothing really. Especially after last year. It’ll be over eventually. Those aren’t the things that keep gnawing at his insides and flooding him with worry and visions of a hospital ICU. 

Every time he closes his eyes. Eddie is pale, intubated, unconscious, fighting for his life. 

What if his heart is broken? What if the extreme hypovolemic shock and blood loss and trauma to his body weakened his heart? What if there’s residual damage? What if he had some kind of underlying condition that was aggravated when he nearly died four months ago? What if he suffers an attack or his heart starts failing and they can’t get him to a hospital this time? 

There is no chance in any sort of hell that Buck will just drop it and move on. 

He knows Eddie’s been carefully avoiding him the past few days. Not enough to be obvious. Not enough to make it seem like it’s anything out of the ordinary. To anyone else that is.  He still smiles when they’re near each other and sits beside Buck when they eat like they always do.

He’s just not talking. About anything more than work. 

And after something clearly happened when his girlfriend stopped by with salad and Christopher, Buck is done. He’s done. It’s not okay. He’s not ready to be a single parent. He’s not ready to watch Eddie crash and slip away from them. Everything around them is sweltering, suffocating, and he can’t bear to watch Eddie stop breathing. 

So, no. He’s not going to give up. Ever. 

He’s also not sure what to do with the revelation that Eddie is having panic attacks so intense and visceral that 1) he has to see a cardiologist and 2) are over the thought of his long term relationship becoming serious. 

Eddie and Ana are supposed to be great. They’re supposed to be doing well together. Eddie is supposed to be happy. He has to be because if he’s not then all of this is so much worse than Buck ever could have imagined. 

He’d been working on his relationship with his parents. He’d upgraded himself, turned a page, started a new phase. He’d been thinking about the future he wanted. 

Dr. Copeland told him to make a list — they could be goals, they could be dreams, it didn’t matter how far-fetched or ridiculous they seemed. She told him it was good to figure out what he wants his life to be and what he wants out of it. It would help him take steps toward those things. 

He knew it wasn’t possible. He knew it was a future he could never have. But it was a dream that existed, okay? 

When he looks at the smile on Christopher’s face, when he thinks of the way Christopher turns to him for help, when he feels the way Christopher hugs him and melts because he’s safe and loved and happy when Buck holds him. 

When he thinks of his own safe person, of reassurance, of compatibility, of comfort, of happiness, there’s no one he can picture but Eddie.

He can’t imagine a future without them. He doesn’t want a life without them. 

But he can only have so much. He knows that. It’s fine. Everything is. He just filled his nights off with an endless string of first dates that went nowhere instead of playing video games and watching movies and cooking dinner with his favorite people. 

He didn’t think about being replaced. He’s not a Diaz and never will be. He wouldn’t be missed. He had plenty of things to do on his own. If a lot of them turned out to be listening to Albert talk about the people he’d met while out clubbing and the ones he’d kissed or wanted to kiss, it was Buck’s fault for asking what he was up to. 

His loft was so quiet without roommates. Too quiet. When Albert was gone. When everyone was gone. 

But it was supposed to be worth it. Because Eddie was supposed to be happy. 

How the fuck can he stay with someone, knowing she is probably in love with him by now, when he knows he’s not in love with her? When he knows the thought of being with her and having a future together is something that literally, physically hurts him? 

How can it be enough? How can he live through giving up time with Chris? Time with Eddie? If this is what he gave that up for?

He stepped back. He made room because Eddie wanted someone and should have someone, and Buck knows there’s nothing on the future list for the two of them as anything more than what they already are. 

And that’s fine. He can live with that, too. As long as they still have each other in some way, as long as Eddie is alive, as long as Christopher is still somewhat his, Buck can accept it. 

But not like this. Not when Eddie is miserable and hurting himself and hurting someone who probably loves him. It’s not fair to any of them. 

“I have been Ana,” he says before he can ever rein in depth and layers of unrequited love. Maybe it’s not fair, but neither is holding on while you have one foot out the door or your whole entire self on another continent. 

Abby let him love her. She knew Buck loved her, wanted her, wanted to be with her. If she’d asked, he might have even followed her. But she didn’t ask and didn’t want him in return. Didn’t even tell him. In the end, he’d fallen in love with a ghost. A shadow. She confessed she wasn’t herself with him, and he wanted to say he didn’t know and couldn’t feel it. But he could. 

He’s not sure anymore if he’s ever known what it’s like to be loved by someone in that way. 

It hurts worse than the truth. The uncertainty, the knowing but having no confirmation, the suspicion and doubt. It breeds insecurity and jealousy and he already lacks in the department of self worth. 

If Eddie asked, there’s no question, no limit to what he’d give.

But he won’t ask. He wants to stick it out and hurt every single one of them. 

So, Buck leaves him to contemplate while he goes outside in the roasting sun. It’s too much. Too much heat and not enough relief. Too much always, always pulsing in his chest. The air smells and tastes even more toxic. Metallic, noxious pollution hovering within everything. 

It’s not fine. He doesn’t know how Eddie can be okay with it. 

[benka79]

Change of Heart /502 meta

Buddie meta. Eddie Diaz meta. Spoilers

Okay, I watched the episode and there's a lot of interesting takes, and let me tell you something, the Buddie talk isn't over yet...

Check out my thoughts under the cut

The Heart Rescue Scene

Okay, I heard some of you were disappointed about this scene. But let me tell you, it was subtextually perfect.

First of all, the paramedic that takes care of the heart says "the heart comes from a tragedy" but it can change someone's else life, changing it for good, once they land. The pilot smiles, and mentions that that night a miracle will happen.

The new heart that comes from a tragedy is screaming Eddie's past (his dead wife) but also is screaming Bobby's past (the loss of his family). So oth men with tragic pasts. One of them (Bobby) already changed his heart, he has a new family but that doesn't mean he doesn't miss hi original family (remember this tslk? With Eddie)

The other dude that needs to change his heart is Eddie.

But because they're mirroring each other (both having tragic pasts) is because Bobby rescuing the heart represents Eddie.

If you rewatch the scene, Bobby hesitates at first before jumping inside the helicopter. He stares at ghe red light inside of it, and finally goes to the rescue of that new heart. It's exactly what's gonna happen with Eddie. There will be doubts and it's not gonna be easy to recognize he loves Buck romantically and he needs him by his side, but he will do it anyway, he will go into that dangerous adventure and he will rescue his own new heart.

Another thing I want you to keep in mind is, the doctor is happy bc she has the heart, but then she asks if Bobby know how to make a transplant in the dark.

Visual Narrative: when the rope breaks, and it looks like Bobby is gonna fell, but then everything ends fine, it's another representation of Eddie reaching his breaking point.

The Darkness and the Sunlight. And the Buddie talk in the middle

5 days of blackout, 5 days without energy, 5 days with the toxic man Jeffrey outside. The number 5 strikes again, as a reference of change and also season 5.

But the symbolism of them being in the dark, is important because it reinforce the opposite: LIGHT, SUN, ENERGY.

When the doctor says she can't do the transplant without energy, and also whrn Chim is out of batteries in his phone, and also when the kid is about to die because his ARM is out of energy... the helps comes.

The light/energy is related to the woman trapped in her car in the scene from 501. She sees a light, and the light becomes Eddie and Buck.

Well, Buck is the one helping with the generator in the hospital, with the charge of batteries for cellphones. Right?

The meaning of all of this is EDDIE NEEDS TO SEE THE LIGHT, HE NEEDS TO AKNOWLEDGE HIS OWN TRUTH what is deep inside of him, repressed, burried. His true feelings. What he really wants (*coghs* Buck*coughs*) .

Another important symbolism was the neighborhood trying to give that mom energy, the cable wasn't enough. One neighborhood says 'It's all we've got' and the lady replied: 'No, it's not'

Why is this so important? Because it's related to the Buddie talk. It's telling us it's not over, the real words hadn't been said yet.

It's also pointing out GOOD NEIGHBORS WORKING TOGETHER TO SAVE A LIFE, TO HELP PEOPLE. Maybe as a foreshadow, we will see more good neighbors helping in the incoming episode. Maybe helping to find Harry.

Okay, let's jump inside the important thing here.

It's obvious that Eddie's body language was more than clear. Eddie is not comfortable with having Ana in his element.

First of all, Ana brings Christopher because the kid was really worried about his dad. And it's so interesting the whole scene was in the middle of the darkness.

Buck definitely is Christopher’s dad there, the amount of love he shows for him is undeniable.

But then, Eddie DOESN'T INTRODUCE ANA TO RAVI. He is just standing there, frozen. Ana meeting his intimate circle, his wirk, it was something he didn't expected. And it means a lot to him. It means to put a tag of seriousness to his relationship. Something he is not ready to do(he doesn't want to). Then he avoided her, he just shove the problem and vanished.

But the panic in his face when Ravi asks if Ana is his wife it's priceless (the 'not yet' killed me, it also killed Eddie tho LMAO) And Buck, as always, focused on Eddie. He noticed it right away.

The talk between these two happens in the middle of the day. There's light! Sunlight! (On the contrary of Ana's scene) and it also is related with the sunlight energy that saves the kid. (Is the sun representing Buck?)

When they start talking, Buck points out at the shooting but Eddie knows very well what's triggering it: Ana. (OMG i just wrote a fic yesterday and the talk was so so alike, you can find it here if you want)

Eddie avoided Buck's gaze the whole time as he mentioned Shannon and Ana. He says Christopher loves her when Buck implies Eddie should be the one loving her. And then, Buck goes for the line : "Is that enough?" Mirroring the neighbors scene in which one man says that's all they've got.

But we know that's not enough, and we know something huge will happen. Eddie changing his heart.

Buck scolds Eddie because he wants to stick to Ana. And he literally is asking Eddie to be honest with her and with himself.

Gif credit @mymycorrhizae

Buck emphasizes with Ana in the topic unrequited love, maybe as a Foreshadow of this season in which I can speculate Buck will be oblivious about his feelings and Eddie will be pining but not talking about it.

Gif credit @olisgifs

This is a very important line here. Because Buck/Eddie + Christopher, they're already a family. The family that was built slowly in trust and love. And we had Eddie admiting Buck takes Chris to the Zoo the whole time, Buck is Christopher other dad. Buck became his dad naturally and slowly but also, Eddie made it legal. Do you see the war inside of Eddie here? It's his head against his heart.

But, again, that talk isn't over my friends.

And where do I have the proof about the tag: "not really unrequited love season 5? In the following point.

Mirrors and Foreshadows

Okay, let's go with this...

We talked about darkness and how Buck is the sun for Eddie. Right? Time to make some spec now...

Cut throat. Hard to breathe. Hard to speak

Jeffrey Hudson (the toxic masculinity) cut the cop's throat. And the poor guy is not able to use his own words now. Also we know he's out there, and he kidnapped our Harry. But it's also very important Athena words about it: 'He's not a man of one woman'. That contrasts with Eddie.

The kid and his mom. Another mirror was the little kid of 12 years old that can't talk but it's saved because the sunlight energy.

Another scene was Maddie and her baby that almost drown.

Okay, where I'm going with all of this...?

All these scenarios and charavters that can't talk, or can't breath, it could be related to Harry, and what it could be a future trauma post-kidnapping. Maybe he won't be able to talk. It's because two scenes were setting with worried moms, foreshadowing Athena. Together with two mom/kids in risk (Maddie and Jae, that mom and her kid with tracheostomy) are foreshadowing Athen and Harry being in risk.

Now... the "Welcome to the Jungle" scene

Did you find Buck and Eddie there? Because they were there.

Buck was the man with the broken leg they found at first , as a recalling of his biggest accident in which he broke a leg. And the interesting take in all of this was HE COULDN'T SEE (oblivious Buck about his own feelings for Eddie) and HE WAS WORRIED ABOUT IVAN (EDDIE'S MIRROR).

Let's go with Ivan now, he was very very bloody (just like Eddie in 413 and 414) and he had one of his ears like eaten hahahaha. Okay, poor guy, but what I'm trying to say here is EARS=LISTEN, listen to who? HIS OWN HEART!

The alpaca, peaceful animals until they got mad hahaha OMG, this is Eddie.

And Hen saying IGNORE THE ALPACA AND KEEP MOVING. Hello toxic masculinity, Eddie's father voice again.

Yeah, ignore the huge ALPACA and ghe huge elephant in the room and in the streets of LA, asking for attention violently. Keep going. But be careful, maybe they could bit you.

To Conclude:

This episode was a compendium of multiple mirrors and symbolism about tragic past, breaking point situations, and darkness vs light.

It's gonna be a large path for Eddie, and a very difficult one, but at the end, he will find the way, he will be fine, and he will finally change his heart for a new one.

Hope you like this mess. You can read my 5x01 meta here.

Buenos Aires, September 28th 00:44 AM

[sweet-sammy-kisses]

For @buddiebingo​ prompt Hen Wilson Title: That Boy is Taken Pairing: Eddie/Buck Rating: G Word Count: 699 Tags: Married Buddie, possessive Eddie, protective Hen, jealous Lucy and a different take on the bar scene Summary: Hen sees the way Lucy is looking at Buck and she isn't the only one. Lucy learns Buck has only one true partner and there is no replacing Eddie Diaz in work or in Buck's life. Also on AO3

Lucy had a look in her eyes on that Hen had seen many times, there was a hunger in her eyes as she drinks in Buck sitting across from her. Hen didn't like it and despite how Lucy had done an amazing job and she and Buck worked well together and saved the family she wasn't blind she could tell that Lucy was aiming for a different kind of partnership.

'Not on my watch.' Buck was her baby brother, with both Eddie and Chimney no longer part of the 118 they had grown even closer the only two really understand what it was like not to have the person you trust the most no longer there to have your back.

"So Buck when is Eddie joining us?" Hen asked a smile appearing on her face as a blush and doppy smile on Buck's face at the mention of Eddie.

"He should be here soon," Buck informed her as he looked around the bar his eyes stopping at the entrance and his whole face lit up in a smile that could outshine the sun. "There he is." Wiggling out of the booth and looking every bit the golden retriever he is compared to Buck bounced towards the doorway.

A bitter look appeared flashed in Lucy's eyes before she quickly hide it, "So who is that?"

Hen couldn't help but preen a little as she informed Lucy, "That is Eddie Diaz, Buck's former partner at the 118 and his husband."

"Buck's married?" Lucy looked put out for a moment before a calculating look appeared in her eyes.

A look that Bobby noticed, "It seemed like forever for the two of them to act on their feelings that everyone saw." Bobby sent a mock glare towards Hen, "Hen and Taylor ended up winning the pot and bragging rights for a month. They are soulmates."

Lucy opened her mouth to say something but closed it as a hand in hand  Buck and Eddie joined them.

"Lucy, I would like you to meet my husband Eddie Diaz, he was the dispatcher who figured out there was a pressure plate," Buck beamed at Eddie and placed a kiss on Eddie's cheek.

"Nice to meet you, Diaz, I'm Lucy Donato. I was the one with Buck on the truck, the one the news can't stop talking about."

Bobby and Hen exchanged a look as Eddie's eyes narrowed and Buck tilted his head looking confused.

Dropping his hand from Buck's Eddie wrapped a possessive arm around Buck's waist, "And I can't thank you enough for helping out my husband both me and our son Christopher were thankful he had back up. It's not the same as me and Buck having each other back but it was something."

Hen wanted nothing more than to whistle at the sight of possessive Eddie coming out to stake his claim as Buck's one and only partner.

"Are you going to be joining is for a few drinks?" Hen asked.

Eddie and Buck held one of their telepathic conversations before Eddie addressed Hen, "Sure we can stay for a few. I think we have earned them."

Hen was more than happy to be squished against the side of the booth if it meant she got to watch her family be happy. Buck happily snuggled into Eddie praising his husband about how badass he was taking command. Eddie letting his guard down and returning Buck's praise about how proud he was of Buck thinking through the rescue instead of just jumping in without thinking - a dig at Lucy Hen had no doubt -before the two became lost in one another. Eddie made sure Lucy knew Buck was taken with the possessive air around him.

The only missing piece was Chimney hopefully he would be back soon and the 118 would be back as it should be.  

But for now Hen would put up with the rotation of temps and be keeping a close eye on Lucy as no one messed with her family. Meeting Lucy's eyes Hen held her gaze until the other woman looked away once she got Hen's message, 'They are my family and mess with them you mess with me.'

[luifairesaigner]

From the prompt: "Please? It’ll just be a few hours, I promise."

Pairing: Buddie

Word count: 777

Isabel and Josephina had taken a trip to Texas for a week to celebrate a relative’s 80th birthday. But Abuela owned a tiny Pomeranian and needed someone to watch her while she was gone. She wouldn’t leave without making sure Butterscotch was taken care of, and A-Shift happened to have four days off.

“Please? I’m ordering pizza and it’ll just be a few hours, I promise,” Eddie pleaded over the phone. “There’s not a lot to do here, so I brought the XBox… but he’s asking for his Buck.”

Buck didn’t really need to be persuaded to visit with Christopher. It was his favorite pastime. So, he got dressed and drove out to Whittier without a second thought. But agreeing to spend the night had been a stupid idea.

He reminded himself of that as he sat in darkness on the antique sofa in the den after they’d all said a quick goodnight. An afghan, handmade no doubt, hung over the back and there were two pillows and a comforter placed neatly at the end for him to use. But Buck wasn’t sleepy.

A Tiffany lamp on a decorated end table sat in front of a wall of framed photographs and Buck couldn’t help himself. Three kids, two girls and a boy, were prevalent in most of them and it melted his heart to see Eddie’s little face with chubby cheeks and doe eyes.

Food stained the tank top he wore as he sat in a high chair with one of his sisters beside him at the table eating cereal and Buck sighed with utter fondness. Christopher’s baby pictures looked so much like Eddie’s did. Same wild, thick hair cowlicked in every direction, same endearing smile that could light the world should the sun ever burn out. He couldn’t feel more in love if he tried; but he needn’t try. The secret feelings grew stronger every day.

Softly playing music lured Buck from his thoughts and he snapped his attention toward the doorway that led down the hall to the main house. The longer he listened, he realized it wasn’t coming from the actual house. Crouching toward the floor with each palm on each knee, Buck deduced that the sound had to be coming from… below?

The jaunty little tune felt familiar, but Buck couldn’t place it as he walked the corridor toward the kitchen. Though it seemed to become louder the closer he got to the front of the house. Between the living room and the kitchen there was a hallway with three doors. The first, an obvious bathroom. The second Buck learned to be a coat closet. And the third, the source.

As he walked tentatively down the stairway, Buck clenched the railing to keep from stumbling down to the bottom when both knees instantly turned to goo.

“Just remember what your old pal said, boy you've got a friend in me,” Eddie sang to a laughing Christopher as they sat side by side on a piano bench. “Yeah you’ve got a friend in me.”

“You gotta friend in meee!” Christopher squealed excitedly as he started the next verse. Eddie parroted it with perfect pitch as they looked at each other and Buck felt his pulse spike as he gnawed at his lips between his teeth.

His body on autopilot as he floated over each step, Buck shook his head to try and return to normal as he got close enough for Eddie to turn his head to notice.

He grinned when he saw him approach and Christopher leapt from his seat to throw his arms around Buck’s waist. Eddie didn’t stop playing, he only said, “Christopher got me out of bed so we could come sing a goodnight song,” before repeating the melody so they could catch up.

“Sing with us, Buck!” Christopher insisted and shoved Buck into the space he’d been sitting beside Eddie until their shoulders bumped. Christopher didn’t hesitate to perch himself atop Buck’s knee.

“You got troubles, I've got 'em too / there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you / we stick together and see it through / cuz you've got a friend in me!” they sang together until Eddie was riffing like Elton John and saying, “thank you, thank you, now goodnight.”

Christopher protested of course, but Eddie stood up with finality. “Alright, let’s get this guy to bed for real this time!” Eddie growled and touched their foreheads while he swept his son close to carry him up the stairs.

Lingering at the foot of the staircase, Eddie paused before he wondered, “You wanna come help me?”

[fireladybuckley]

Congratulations on the milestone, babe! That's so amazing!!! Gods, I remember when you celebrated 100 a few years ago. Now you're up to 1700??? Insane. I'm so happy for you! May I please request 7 with Buddie, please? ♥♥♥

Thank you so much, babe. For the congratulations, and for being my biggest supporter and always getting me through times of doubt and self-consciousness.  You are an amazing partner, friend, beta-reader and all around person and I love you so much 😍   I hope you like your fic!

Prompt:  “Hey, look at me. Focus on me alright?” (Thank you @dearestdiaz​ for beta-ing this ficlet! I appreciate it!! <3)

---------------------

           “Wow, that wind is really picking up,” Eddie commented, shading his eyes as he squinted in the breeze that was ruffling his wet hair rather violently.  Buck planted his feet on the sandy bottom and followed Eddie’s gaze, the wind all but  slapping him in the face as he turned his head.

           “Yeah it is,” Buck agreed, rising to his full height.  “But look, it’ll make the waves bigger, that’s always fun.”

             “True,” Eddie smiled as Buck grinned at him and dove into the water, diving after him, trying to catch him as he swam off.  The ocean felt incredibly refreshing as they shot through it, flipping around and laughing like kids.

             Eddie’s abuela had taken Christopher for the weekend, Buck’s air conditioner was on the fritz, and Eddie’s house wasn’t much cooler.   The heat had been relentless for at least a week so they’d taken to the beach, hoping the ocean would cool them down.  The forecast was predicting storms late that afternoon, so Eddie supposed that was why the wind was picking up so much, but for the time being, the sky was clear and cloudless, the sun beating down on them.

             The waves began to increase in size as Buck had predicted, and they spent a good half an hour diving over, through or under them, feeling that wonderful sense of relief every time they submerged, thoroughly enjoying themselves.

             Soon the water became even choppier, and they stood waist-deep, catching their breath and bracing themselves as the waves crashed against them, sometimes washing over as high as their shoulders.

             “Should we get out?” Eddie asked, hopping a little to avoid a wave smacking him in the face, watching Buck do the same.

             “Nah, this is fun,” Buck said, jumping over the next wave as well. “We can leave in a few.”

             Eddie shrugged agreeably and they continued their fun, the waves growing noticeably larger as the wind picked up even more, large storm clouds starting to form on the horizon.  After nearly face-planting into a particularly large wave, Eddie stood and shook out his hair, feeling like there was seawater in his brain, trying to blow his sinuses free.  Buck had just noticed he’d stopped and stood up, moving towards him to ask if he was okay, when Eddie noticed a huge wave growing right behind Buck.

             “Buck!  Watch out!” Eddie called, pointing, and Buck whirled around just in time to see the wave crest higher than his head.  Before he could move, the wave broke and smashed down right into his face and shoulders, the force of the blow knocking him off his feet.  Buck choked as he was tossed about under the water, wincing as his back slammed against the sand below, the circular motion of the surprisingly strong wave flipping him around as he flailed helplessly, trying to figure out which way was up as seawater filled his nose and mouth.

             It happened in an instant;  one moment Buck was out for a swim with Eddie, and the next, he was back in the tsunami, being thrown around like a ragdoll under the water, sure he was going to die.  Panic spread through his body like electricity and he cried out for help while still under the surface, which only made him choke on the water more.  The waves calmed for a moment and Buck thought maybe, just maybe, he’d be able to right himself, but then another rolling wave swept into him and he was tumbling again, terror engulfing him.  He was going to die, he just knew it, his lungs burning as he clawed desperately at the water, but he was so disoriented in his panic that he had no idea what was happening anymore.

             Suddenly, arms wrapped around his chest from behind and pulled hard, bringing  him to the surface as his legs flailed, trying to find the bottom.   Buck’s desperate gasp for air as soon as his head was free of the water was quickly eclipsed by deep, hacking coughs, his body convulsing as he spit up copious amounts of ocean water.   Someone was shouting something at him and started dragging him along, Buck stumbling and following as best as he could, still coughing violently.  Another large wave slammed into his back and Buck lost his balance, falling forward out of the person’s grip and landing face-first in the frothy water.

            “Buck! Come on, you gotta stand!”

            Buck tried to obey, Eddie’s voice just barely reaching him as he struggled to his feet, nearly collapsing as the water streamed down his face, waves continually crashing into him.   Buck was still in full panic mode as he blindly stumbled forward, desperate to get out of there, but he was so disoriented that he kept tripping over his own feet as he tried to run, the water slowing him down.

            “Buck, hey! Are you okay?” Eddie asked as he finally caught up to Buck again, sloshing his way through the thigh-deep water to Buck’s side.  Buck was still coughing a bit and he was shaking like a leaf as Eddie reached out and steadied him, gripping his bare arms tightly and holding him upright as he swayed on the spot.

            “Buck? Buck, what’s happening?” Eddie asked urgently as Buck's wide eyes flickered wildly around them and he tugged against Eddie’s hold, trying to flee.

            “We gotta get out of here, we gotta run!” Buck exclaimed wildly, trying to pull himself free of Eddie’s grip on him, staggering as another sizable wave slammed into them at chest height, nearly knocking them both over.  

            “Let go! I have to find Christopher!” Buck gasped, wrenching himself out of Eddie’s hold and stumbling forward.  Eddie rushed towards him, sudden understanding hitting him as he grabbed Buck’s arm once more and spun him around, forcing Buck to face him even as he struggled. 

            “Buck, no, Christopher isn’t here.  Buck, this isn’t the tsunami, you’re both safe.”

            Eddie shook Buck slightly in his urgency, watching the doubt and fear on Buck’s face, trying to shatter the flashback.  Buck was still struggling against his hold, his face still a mask of panic as Eddie gripped him tightly, pulling him closer.

            “Buck! Hey, look at me. Focus on me alright?” Eddie’s tone was forceful as he tried to snap Buck’s attention back to him, lifting a hand and cupping Buck’s cheek, and this time it seemed to work.  Buck’s eyes found him, but he still looked scared, meeting Eddie’s gaze though his eyes flickered back and forth between Eddie’s, like he was searching for something.  

            “Eddie?” Buck asked shakily, breathing hard as he stared at Eddie’s face, trying to understand.  The panic was still very much alive in him, making him want to run and clouding his logic, but something in Eddie’s eyes held him there, and Buck slowly came to realize that they were standing together in the waves, on the beach, years after the tsunami had happened.  

            “Yeah, Buck.  Yeah, it’s me,” Eddie told him reassuringly, his voice less abrupt now that he had Buck’s attention, stroking Buck’s cheekbone with his thumb.  “You’re okay, I promise, this is not the tsunami. You were having a flashback.”

            Buck looked around them and saw that although the waves were large, they were definitely not tsunami-large.  He saw other people milling around them, the beach stretching as far as he could see, dotted by thousands of umbrellas and towels, the other people completely unbothered.  

            “I…  I thought…” Buck stammered, feeling dizzy as some of his abject panic began to fade.  He coughed a little weakly as his throat burned from the water he’d swallowed and then coughed up, his head aching from the water in his sinuses and the extreme emotions.

            “I know, Buck,” Eddie said gently, his heart breaking as Buck’s face changed from an expression of fear to looking like he was about to cry.  Eddie pulled him close, wrapping his arms around him, their bare chests pressing together.  Buck clung to him, shaking, burying his face into Eddie’s shoulder.  They stood like that for a few moments as Buck struggled to get his breathing under control, still hyperventilating, and Eddie held him close and murmured reassurances, coaching him to breathe slowly.

            Another large wave hit Eddie in the back hard enough that he stumbled forward a little, unintentionally pushing Buck and destabilizing him.  Buck gasped, clinging to Eddie for balance, his respiration rate shooting upwards again.  Eddie apologized, steadying him, then shifted so he had an arm around Buck’s back from the side and began to lead him towards the shore.

            “Come on, let’s get you out of here,” Eddie intoned and Buck let himself be led along without protest, his mind still reeling.  He was clumsy with how much he was trembling, his muscles suddenly feeling weak, and Eddie’s grip on his waist tightened as he slipped and slid through the sand as the waves crashed insistently over the backs of their thighs, then their calves.   Eddie pulled him along towards their spot and Buck all but fell onto the blanket, pulling up his knees and propping his elbows on them, burying his face in his hands.  Eddie grabbed a towel and threw it around Buck’s shoulders before sitting down beside him, looking over him.

            “Are you okay?” Eddie asked quietly, not wanting to overwhelm Buck, who shrugged in response.  Eddie could tell by the slight shuddering of his shoulders that Buck was crying into his hands, and Eddie reached out, wrapping an arm around him and pulled him closer.  Buck unfolded himself and curled up against Eddie’s chest, sniffing, and Eddie encompassed Buck with both of his arms, holding him close.

            “I was back there for a minute, Eds,” Buck said hoarsely after a few minutes, his voice so quiet Eddie had to tilt his head to hear him properly.  “I-I was back in the tsunami,  I thought I was drowning, that Christopher was gone…”

             Eddie pressed a kiss to the top of Buck’s head and tightened his grip, resting a cheek on Buck’s wet hair. 

             “I get it,” Eddie said gently, stroking Buck’s shoulder with one of his hands.  “I have flashbacks too, and sometimes it seems so real that I really forget where I am for a moment.  PTSD can be horrifying.”  

             “Yeah, but you went to war,” Buck pointed out, sitting up slightly so he could look at Eddie, still leaning against his chest.  “I’ve never done anything like that, I shouldn’t be having flashbacks.”  Buck’s trembling fingers ghosted over the gunshot scar on Eddie’s shoulder, sending a slight shudder through him.

             “Buck, any kind of trauma can cause PTSD.  I’d say nearly drowning in the initial tsunami and then running around for hours and miles through water and debris, panicking and injured as you tried to find Christopher was more than enough to traumatize you.  Not only veterans can have PTSD, it’s not an exclusive thing.”

             Buck was quiet for a while after Eddie spoke, tucked up against him and slowly taking deep breaths.  Eventually his trembling subsided and he sighed, feeling exhausted as he thought about what Eddie had said.

             “I’ve never had that happen before.  I guess when that wave hit me…” Buck trailed off, and Eddie nodded, pressing another kiss to Buck’s hair.

             “Probably.  Triggers can be a wide variety of things, but swallowing some water and getting tossed around by a wave unexpectedly makes perfect sense for you.”

             Buck nodded slowly, staring out ahead of them, watching the waves crash to shore as more and more people got out of the water, fearing the storm that was coming closer by the minute.  The ocean had always been one of his favourite places, and even after the tsunami, he hadn’t feared it somehow.  But now, his heart raced as he stared at the cresting waves, the white froth of the aftermath.  He reached for and clutched Eddie’s hand, swallowing hard.

             “Is that going to happen again?” Buck asked, and Eddie could tell just by his voice how vulnerable he felt.  He understood.  Any time he had a flashback it was terrifying, but the first one had been particularly bad.  

             “It might,” Eddie acknowledged, his voice gentle.  “But it might not.  You could go swimming in the ocean every day for the next twenty years and not have one, or it could happen the next time you do.  Some people have very specific and very predictable triggers, whereas for others it's more random.”

             “I don’t want to give up swimming,” Buck said, his voice wavering a little, “but I- the thought of going back in there right now is scaring me.  Which seems pathetic, considering I’ve been swimming for two years since the tsunami happened.”

             Eddie held him close as he felt Buck shrink, hunching closer as he admitted his fear.  He could tell how hard this was for him, and hastened to say something that would make him feel better.

             “Give yourself some time to get through this,” Eddie told him.  “I promise you will want to swim again.  Can I tell you something I’ve never told anyone else?”

             Buck nodded, tilting his head up from Eddie's shoulder to look at his face.  A muscle in Eddie’s cheek twitched, but he swallowed and smiled down at Buck.

             “The first summer after I came home from Afghanistan, I wasn’t having a good time.  Lots of nightmares, sleepless nights, Shannon and I were fighting and it was just generally a horrible period.  I hadn’t been paying attention to the date, and hadn’t been going out much, so somehow I missed that the day was the 4th of July.”

             Buck squeezed Eddie’s hand for support, sensing what was coming next, and Eddie’s lips formed a tight smile.

             “I had three separate panic attacks that night.  The first burst of fireworks was set off by a neighbour, so close to my house and so loud that I was sure we were under fire.  I dragged Shannon and Christopher into the safest part of the house and started frantically barricading things until she was finally able to get through to me and I realized I’d been having a flashback.”

             Eddie let out a breath, feeling flickers of that same panic at the memory, pushing them aside as he glanced around and took in his surroundings, reminding himself that he was here with Buck.  

             “It was terrible.  I genuinely thought for a moment that I was back there, even though I had Chris and Shannon and we were in our house.  The mind is incredibly powerful, Buck, and it can happen when you’re least expecting it.  But that doesn’t mean it’s always going to happen, or that you can’t enjoy things related to it.”

             “You mean, like when we went to the fireworks show last month?” Buck asked, and Eddie nodded. 

             “Some veterans can’t handle noises like fireworks and gunshots because it always or nearly always triggers their PTSD.  Some, like me, are lucky enough that it only happens sometimes.  I love fireworks;  I just have to approach them with the knowledge that it could cause a flashback, and decide whether I’m okay with it that day.”

            Buck nodded again, sitting up beside Eddie and looking over at him.  Eddie smiled, bringing Buck’s hand to his mouth and pressing a kiss to the back of it.

            “Therapy has helped a lot, as well,” Eddie said after a moment of thoughtful silence.  “I resisted it at first, but once I finally started going, I have to admit it really did help.”

            “That’s good,” Buck said, pulling Eddie’s hand closer and wrapping it in both of his own.  “I’m proud of you.”

            Eddie gave a soft laugh and leaned closer, pressing a gentle kiss to Buck’s lips.  Buck’s eyes fluttered closed, and he finally felt his heart rate return to normal, soothed by Eddie’s soft touch.

            “Thanks,” Eddie said, bumping noses with Buck, who finally smiled back.  Eddie shifted his position so that Buck could lean on him again and Buck snuggled up against him, watching the storm clouds move closer.  

            “Maybe I’ll talk to Dr. Copeland about it the next time we meet,” Buck said after a while, tilting his head back and up in an attempt to see Eddie’s expression.  

            “I think that’s a great idea,” Eddie agreed, kissing Buck’s forehead and prompting a small grin.  “And for the record, I’m very proud of you, too.  You’ve done amazing considering everything that’s happened over the last few years.”

            “I mean, I had help,” Buck said, poking Eddie in the chest and smiling. 

            “Having support can make things easier, but you still do the brunt of the healing and overcoming yourself,” Eddie reminded him gently, and Buck shrugged, supposing he had a point.  

             Buck was about to reply when thunder crack in the not-so distant sky and they jumped, seeing that the storm clouds were much closer than they’d realized.  They leapt to their feet and took down the umbrella, stuffing their blanket, towels and other stuff into their duffle bag as everyone around them did the same.  Just as Buck slung the duffle over his shoulder and Eddie grabbed the umbrella and cooler, the skies opened up and began to pour down on them, re-soaking their hair and drenching them in seconds.

             “Go, go, go!” Buck yelled over the boom of thunder and Eddie began to run, Buck following in his wake.  They made it back to Buck’s jeep and threw the stuff into the back, hopping in just as lightning flashed right over their heads.   The rain was deafening on the roof and windows of the vehicle and they sat in their seats, panting as they watched the storm raging around them, laughing at the mad dash they’d had to do.  

             After a while, Buck reached for Eddie’s hand and thread his fingers through Eddie’s, smiling as Eddie looked over at him curiously.

             “Thanks, Eds,” Buck said, his gaze not quite meeting Eddie’s.  “I don’t know what I would have done if that’d happened when you weren’t with me.  Thanks for calming me down.”

             “I’ve always got your back, Buck,” Eddie said softly, lifting Buck’s hand and kissing it.  “I’m here for you.”

             “I love you,” Buck said softly, shifting so he could lean on Eddie as they watched the storm, looking up at him as Eddie turned and pressed another kiss to his lips.

             “I love you too.”

If you would like to be added to (or removed from) my tag list, please send me a message or an ask!

Tag list: @firemedicdiaz @diekatimitdemhutohnehut  @inuhimesblog @dearestdiaz @charnease @bicepsie @perfectlynervousbeard @floralbuckleys @outrunningthedark @morganayenneferburnham @fleurdebeton @princessbb

[novemberhush]

The Gift

@eddiediazweek For the Day 2 prompt.

March 2nd - Day 2: “This is nice.” + soft

It was too much. $606 (plus tax). But at the same time, it wasn’t enough. How could Eddie even begin to repay Buck for all he’s done, all he continues to do, for him and Christopher? If he really were to try to put it in monetary terms he’d need to scrimp and save a hell of a lot more than he already was doing just to pay off this sweater. $606 (plus tax) on his credit card had already meant cutting back on everything he possibly could, everything that wouldn’t impact negatively on Christopher, that is. But it’d all be worth it to see Buck in this ridiculously expensive, ridiculously soft, ridiculously pretty sweater. It’s high-quality cashmere, a beautiful deep blue (‘sapphire’ the woman in the store had called it) colour and the moment Eddie had seen it in the store window he knew he had to get it for Buck. He’d stopped in his tracks, right there, outside the store, a store he’d never usually give a second glance to because he knew guys like him on a wage like his couldn’t afford to shop there.

There it was, though. This sweater that looked like it’d been tailor made for Buck, Eddie knowing nothing about clothes or fashion but somehow sure the cut of it would fit and flatter Buck in all the right ways, showing off his delectable upper body to perfection. As for the colour, well, Buck suited almost every colour under the sun, but this? It was like the gods themselves had conspired to create the perfect shade of blue to complement Buck’s hair and skin tone, to really make the pink of his lips and birthmark pop, and to highlight those incredible eyes of his. Eddie had to have it, and for once in his life he didn’t second guess himself, marching straight into the store, feeling like Julia Roberts in that scene in Pretty Woman where all the snooty sales assistants look down their noses at her but not letting that stop him from making his impulsive purchase. Of course, the second guessing started the moment he stepped back into his truck, looking down at the classy cream and gold rectangular gift box the lady in the store had neatly folded the sweater into in such a way that Eddie knew not to remove it from the box to admire it once more when he got home because he’d never be able to get it folded again so perfectly. It hadn’t stopped him removing the lid and running his hand over the soft fabric at least three times a day since then, though, all the while quashing down thoughts about what a purchase like this said, concerned that it went too far, gave too much away, crossed an invisible line. But then he would remember the top-of-the-line coffee maker Buck had bought him, albeit under the guise of a prank because he knew Eddie needed his java every day but would never drop that kind of money on himself, and his worries eased just a little. Because, sure, Buck was generous with everyone, and as a single guy with no dependents he had a little more disposable income to play around with than Eddie, but he wasn’t going around buying Hen, Chim, Bobby, or anyone else for that matter, expensive presents for no real reason other than he wanted to. Buck had been saying something with the gift, even if he hadn’t realized it himself. Eddie could only hope he was saying the same thing Eddie was saying with this sweater. So now it was time to give it to Buck. His birthday was still months away and Eddie didn’t want to (couldn’t, if he was honest) wait that long. He’d missed Christmas, only spotting the sweater in late January, and there was no way in hell he was giving it to Buck on Valentine’s Day. No matter how much Eddie felt a gift like this exposed about how he felt about Buck, there was still a little room for plausible deniability should it quickly become obvious Buck hadn’t been sending the same message Eddie was with his gift, but presenting it to him on Valentine’s Day would have left no doubt about what the gift meant. Valentine’s Day had been and gone now, though, and Eddie knew he either had to bite the bullet and give Buck the sweater or hide

it away at the back of his closet for evermore. And, yeah, the irony of being stuck in a closet for the rest of time was not lost on Eddie, thank you very much. He didn’t have time to think much more about it, though, it fast approaching 11 o’clock, the time he’d arranged for Buck to call round, ostensibly so they could have brunch and hang out a little on their day off until it was time to go collect Chris from school and maybe take him to the park to feed the ducks before all heading home together for a cosy night in. Eddie had specifically chosen to invite Buck round while Chris was at school so he wouldn’t be tempted to use his son as a buffer between them. He’d also asked Buck not to tell Chris he was coming, on the pretext they could surprise Chris, but really it was because if Buck realized what Eddie was saying with this gift and ran for the hills then at least Chris wouldn’t be disappointed at not seeing his Buck when he had been expecting to. It would also give Eddie some time to try to put the pieces of his heart back together enough so he could muster up a brave face for his son, although Eddie knew they’d never fit together quite the same way again if Buck was the one to break his heart. There would be no getting over him. A knock at the door interrupted his thoughts, shattering the too loud silence that always seemed to settle around the house when he was there alone without Chris and/or Buck’s presence to both ground him and lift him up. He instantly recognized Buck’s familiar enthusiastic rap. Right on time, as always, never seeming to want to miss a single second he could be spending with Chris and Eddie, but never wanting to intrude by arriving too early either. Not that either Eddie or Chris would mind, but if Eddie often feared he wasn’t enough then Buck matched him with his anxiety about being too much. Swallowing down his nerves, he cast one more glance at the gift box sitting on the coffee table and went to let Buck in, going through the motions of greeting his best friend (and maybe more, if he was lucky), trying to act like today was a day just like any other. Of course, Buck knew him too well for that. Eddie had never known anyone who could read him so well or so easily as Buck. “Eddie, you okay?” he asked, genuine concern etched into every crevice of his face. When Eddie just nodded, Buck changed tack, aiming for lighthearted but his eyes giving away the fact he was still worried. “Are you sure? Because I could go grab you some laxatives, if you want. Might help with that constipated look you’re sporting.” Eddie snorted, glad to feel some of the tension he was holding in his body melt away. Buck had always been able to do that. “Nice, dude, real nice,” he joked back before his eye caught on the gift box and he remembered what he had asked Buck here for. Deciding he couldn’t wait any longer and not even giving Buck time to take off his jacket or sit down, Eddie grabbed the box off the table, practically shoving it into Buck’s hands. “Here, this is for you,” he mumbled, praying Buck would be too distracted by the gift to notice the blush Eddie could feel creeping across his face. Buck stared at the gift box in his hands for a moment, confusion clear in his expression. “For me? Why? What’s the occasion? It’s not my birthday,” he finally spoke up. “No occasion,” Eddie shrugged. “I just… saw it and thought of you.” “Eddie…” “Just open it,” Eddie cut in, the soft way Buck had breathed his name turning his insides to mush. “And it’s okay if you don’t like it, you don’t have to pretend if you don’t. But I think you will like it. Well, I hope so anyway,” he babbled, the words rushing out of him. Gulping in a deep breath in an attempt to stop his rambling and centre himself, he gestured to the box. “Go on,” he urged, “take a look.” Buck held his gaze for a second longer, leaving Eddie feeling flayed open by the intensity of the look in his eyes, before turning his attention again to the gift box. Sitting down on the couch, he set the box back on the coffee table before

leaning forward and gently easing the lid of it. Eddie could swear he heard Buck’s breath hitch when he saw the sweater. “Eddie, this is… wow, man. This is nice. I mean, this is… this is really nice. And it’s so soft!” he said, a look of wonder lighting up his face as he trailed his fingers across the fabric in a way that had Eddie ashamed to admit he was feeling envious of a sweater. A sweater, for God’s sake! A very nice $606 (plus tax!) sweater, but a sweater all the same. “I… Eddie, I can’t accept this,” Buck said then, turning towards him, a pinched look replacing the one of wonder on his face. “You can, and you will,” Eddie insisted, rolling his eyes at the earnestness in those blue eyes that had seen through him so many times but never seemed to help Buck see his own self-worth. “Go on, try it on,” he said, with a jerk of his chin in the direction of the hall leading to the bedrooms and bathroom, expecting Buck to want to change in private and maybe check out how the sweater looked on him in a mirror. He really should have known better. Buck grinned, standing up to quickly shuck his jacket before grabbing the back of his T-shirt, yanking it off over his head and tossing it in a ball on the couch, leaving Eddie dry-mouthed and weak-kneed at the expanse of smooth, inked skin and firm, taut muscle on display. Sure, he’d seen Buck shirtless more times than he could count, both at work and outside of it, but he had yet to become inured to the sight. Scrambling for something to say to try to fill the silence that had fallen between them, and to cover the way he knew he’d been gaping at his best friend’s bare torso, Eddie quipped, “I hope you’re not gonna treat this sweater the way you just did that poor shirt.” This time it was Buck who rolled his eyes, stepping forward to reach down for said sweater, unfolding it carefully out of the box, as if it was made of spun gold. He held it out in front of him, admiring it for a second, before slipping it over his head and down his torso, strong arms filling the sleeves snugly. Eddie had to remind himself to keep breathing when Buck turned to him, expression soft and bashful, his eyebrows raised in a way that clearly said Well, what do you think? “Perfect,” Eddie whispered. “You’re perfect.” The way Buck’s eyes widened before his whole face softened even more, if that was even possible, alerted Eddie to what he’d said. “I mean, it... it’s perfect. Perfect for you,” he stammered. Embarrassed but unable to stop himself, he added, “I knew it would be,” in a voice that sounded soft and small, unbearably vulnerable and unbelievably fond all at once. But this was Buck. He could be all those things around Buck without fear of judgment or censure or ridicule or pity. “It’s so soft,” Buck said again, looking down at the sweater and slowly dragging his hand down the front of it. “Here, feel,” he said, looking up at Eddie, ridiculously long eyelashes fluttering at him as he held out his arm. Eddie stumbled forward, drawn in like a magnet by those baby blues, assuming Buck wanted him to touch the sleeve of the sweater and indeed feel how soft it was. But when Eddie reached out tentatively to touch the sleeve, Buck surprised him by grabbing hold of his hand, tugging him closer, and placing it directly over Buck’s heart, holding it there as Eddie felt a newfound kinship with every romantic heroine he’d previously mocked who had swooned at every heated glance thrown their way or fainted at the slightest touch of their lover’s hand. “It’ll only get softer!” Eddie blurted out, feeling Buck’s strong, steady heartbeat under his hand as his own started thundering in his chest. “It will?” Buck said, raising another quizzical eyebrow at Eddie’s outburst. “Yeah, yeah, it will. The really good cashmere gets softer with wear and washing. The lady in the store said so and I looked it up online when I got home and she wasn’t bullshitting me.” “That’s… that’s good to know,” Buck smiled. The smile soon gave way to a more serious look, though, and Eddie steeled himself for whatever Buck was

going to say next.

“Eddie, why did you really buy me this? Not that I don’t love it, because I do, don’t get me wrong. I think it’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever given me, and Maddie gave me a Jeep once. But why?”

Eddie swallowed, knowing it was now or never, and never was never really an option, not when it came to Buck and letting him know how much he was loved.

“You know how I said I ‘saw it and thought of you’?”

Buck nodded, encouraging him to keep going with a squeeze of his hand and an open expression, their eyes locking, Eddie unable to look away even if he wanted to. Which he didn’t. He never wanted to look away from Buck.

“Well, it would probably be more accurate to say ‘I was thinking of you and I saw it’,” he said quietly, taking a step closer to Buck and bringing his free hand up to cover Buck’s where it still held his other hand to Buck’s chest.

“Because I’m always thinking of you, Buck. You and Chris, the two halves of my heart, my world entire. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing or how focused I seem on something else, you two are always there. Maybe not always at the forefront of my mind, but you’re there, at the back of it, reminding me of everything I have to come home to, everything I have to fight for. Reminding me of everything I’ve ever wanted. My family. My son. My… you. You, Buck. It’s always you. It’s always going to be you.”

Later, Eddie will remember the soft brush of cashmere under his fingertips as he wrapped his arms around Buck’s shoulders and pulled him impossibly closer. For now, though, he was too caught up in thinking how nothing could be softer than Buck’s lips as they brushed against his own when Buck surged forward and let Eddie know that maybe, just maybe, he was always thinking of Eddie, too.