#emotionally abusive relationship so a lot of the lyrics hit close to home but to the degree where afterward it just made me sad to listen to

[faunandfloraas]

Wait you're a Phoebe fan too?! 😳

Omg yeah 🥰

[hallefms]

𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐠𝐨’𝐬 𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐇𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐄 𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐓𝐄𝐍 𝐡𝐚𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐨𝐧 𝐦𝐚𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐚𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐮𝐞 , 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐚 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐬𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐑𝐘𝐀𝐍 𝐃𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐘 ! 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐦𝐚𝐲 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦 𝐚𝐬 @𝐡𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐧 𝐨𝐫 𝐡𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐭 𝐩𝐚𝐠𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐦𝐳 𝐚𝐬 𝒖𝒑𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒓-𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒈𝒘𝒓𝒊𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒉𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒆 𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒕𝒆𝒏 𝒇𝒍𝒂𝒔𝒉𝒆𝒔 𝒑𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒂𝒛𝒛𝒊 𝒂𝒕 𝒂𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒅 𝒔𝒉𝒐𝒘 𝒂𝒇𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒚. 𝐚𝐜𝐜𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐦𝐳 , 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐭𝐰𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐲-𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐫𝐝 𝐛𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐡𝐝𝐚𝐲 𝐛𝐚𝐬𝐡 . 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐯𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐧𝐞𝐰 𝐲𝐨𝐫𝐤 𝐢𝐬 𝐮𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐫𝐭𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐛𝐞𝐜𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮’𝐫𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 , 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐩 𝐲𝐨𝐮 . 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐭 𝐚 𝐛𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐩𝐢𝐜𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐛𝐞 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐭 𝟐 𝐚𝐦, 𝐥𝐨𝐮𝐝 𝐥𝐚𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐬, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐤𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐨𝐤𝐞 𝐧𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐮𝐭 . ( 𝐜𝐢𝐬 𝐟𝐞𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐞 & 𝐬𝐡𝐞/𝐡𝐞𝐫 ) + ( 𝐦𝐲𝐚, 𝟏𝟗 , 𝐬𝐡𝐞/𝐡𝐞𝐫, 𝐩𝐬𝐭. ) 

triggers will be tagged and marked accordingly as they come up but here’s what to look out for: alcohol tw, drugs tw, abuse tw, shooting tw, hospital tw, death tw, grief tw

𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐒

𝐅𝐔𝐋𝐋 𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐄

halle caroline forten

𝐍𝐈𝐂𝐊𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐄𝐒

hal and hals

𝐁𝐈𝐑𝐓𝐇𝐃𝐀𝐘

april 11, 1997

𝐇𝐄𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓

5′5″

𝐀𝐆𝐄

23 years old

𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑

female

𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐍𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐒

she/her

𝐎𝐂𝐂𝐔𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍

singer/songwriter

𝐋𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐔𝐀𝐆𝐄𝐒

english, italian, french, spanish, and mandarin

𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍

bisexual

𝐅𝐀𝐂𝐄𝐂𝐋𝐀𝐈𝐌

ryan destiny

here’s her current home

𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘

𝐀𝐋𝐂𝐎𝐇𝐎𝐋 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐃𝐑𝐔𝐆𝐒 𝐓𝐖

halle forten was born in CHICAGO ILLINOIS on an unusually warm day in april

her mother was an ALCOHOLIC and her father was a DRUG ADDICT and although they were both incredibly skilled with their respective crafts...the same could not be said about them being good parents 

𝐄𝐍𝐃 𝐀𝐋𝐂𝐎𝐇𝐎𝐋 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐃𝐑𝐔𝐆𝐒 𝐓𝐖

𝐀𝐁𝐔𝐒𝐄 𝐓𝐖

her mother was the more abusive of the two, her constant alcohol use and consequent promise to quit caused her to have intense periods of blacking out and then withdrawing to the point where she’d take it out on her children albeit emotionally, verbally, or worst of all physically. her father on the other hand managed to simply exist in the household, unless he was going on rampages through the house of breaking things it causing physical and/or emotional scars to his children

𝐄𝐍𝐃 𝐀𝐁𝐔𝐒𝐄 𝐓𝐖

halle grew up in the neighborhood of WASHINGTON PARK not exactly known for being the hamptons of chicago so everyday was like trying to navigating a battlefield

thankfully, or maybe sadly? halle wasn’t alone in this fight she was the youngest of five, two sisters, and three brothers, for the most part they were all extremely close, they fought like any other siblings, but knew the evils the awaited them if they drifted apart

despite all this, halle had an extremely close bond to her older brother, she told him EVERYTHING and he trusted her with his life it was obvious to anyone that the two of them were inseparable 

although his protectiveness, did manage to get in the way of their relationship at one point, i’m getting ahead of myself, first i have to set the scene with halle’s high school journey

although halle wasn’t necessarily handed golden keys to receive a sound education, she didn’t let that stop her, she was determined to make it out of washington park if was the last thing that she did, and she worked her ass off to make sure that dream would become a reality

and so in turn halle became an HONOR ROLL student, she her homework on time, she aced her tests, and she even helped tutor her peers on the side for extra money, her parents didn’t exactly have the biggest expendable income after all, things went fairly well for her academically

socially, is where halle would stumble a little bit, she wasn’t exactly the friendliest person, and even when you managed to break down her barriers, it was likely you’d be cut off shortly afterwards, she was extremely uncomfortable with being so vulnerable she mostly stuck to just socializing with her siblings and their friends

eventually, she maintained a solid friend group, one where she didn’t feel judged or felt the need to isolate herself, although she’d often do so for periods of time for seemingly no reason, and she CLUNG to them closely, secretly being afraid of being LEFT BEHIND, and although she wasn’t a SUPER AGGRESSIVE person if you ever had the audacity to mess with her friends, you could expect threats from halle, and she WOULD follow through with them

then came the obligatory part of high school where her friends would seek relationships and find some mediocre high school boy who could barely take care of his basic needs, and then SOMEHOW question why halle herself wasn’t in a relationship

and this would continue to be her stance UNTIL he came along, with his stupid smile, goofiness, and eyes that twinkled, to turn her world UPSIDE DOWN

and some despite ALL ODDS in halle’s mind he choose her, the only issue is due to home life, halle was unsure was healthy love looked like, she wasn’t aware that love DIDN’T have to hurt

remember how i told you that the protectiveness of halle’s brother would come in the way of their relationship? here’s where that comes into play. he stepped in when he saw the LENGTHS that halle was going to sustain a relationship, and she told him he had NOTHING to worry about, this lead to a series of arguments that halle would end up winning, but that would cause a GIGANTIC rift in their relationship 

𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐎𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆, 𝐇𝐎𝐒𝐏𝐓𝐈𝐀𝐋, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐃𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐇 𝐓𝐖

A WEEK LATER, her brother would be rushed to the hospital in critical condition where he later died, the story goes he was walking home late at night, and he was randomly shot at in the arm and in the chest, halle ran to the hospital desperate for a last minute reconciliation with her brother, he held her hand before taking his last breath, and their parting words to each other where ‘I LOVE YOU’, her brother’s gunman was never identified or arrested 

𝐄𝐍𝐃 𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐎𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆, 𝐇𝐎𝐒𝐏𝐓𝐈𝐀𝐋, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐃𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐇 𝐓𝐖

this only CEMENTED the fact that halle NEEDED to get out of washington park, she became more isolated than before, and ended her relationship, she was even more determined than before to excel at school

𝐆𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐅 𝐓𝐖

through her grieving halle found an OUTLET in music, compressing her pain and hurt into song lyrics, and allowing herself FOR ONCE to be vulnerable, she even recorded her FIRST album on her bedroom floor, with a shitty headphone mic, her heartfelt lyrics, and only a vague grasp of music production

𝐄𝐍𝐃 𝐆𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐅 𝐓𝐖

halle eventually GRADUTED as VALDECTORIAN of her class and applied to NEW YORK UNIVERSITY she had the grades and a perfectly curated college essay that guaranteed her acceptance into the school of SCHOOL OF ARTS

the only reason she applied to NEW YORK UNIVERSITY is because she knew that she wouldn’t be able to get DISCOVERED by staying in washington park nor would she be able to FURTHER her education, desperate to finally get her escape one night without telling ANYONE, including her siblings, she booked a flight to NEW YORK CITY and never looked back

college life took her by SURPRISE but she knew this was her CHANCE, she knew she had to keep the same drive that got her OUT of washington park

FINALLY after only a semester in college, and lots of behind the scenes work, she signed a contract with a NOTEABLE music label, and began reworking the album she wrote on her bedroom floor a year or so ago

she released her FIRST studio album and it was a HIT, in all honesty it was an OVERNIGHT SUCCESS, halle’s recognition was something so NEW to her, she had never put herself in the SPOTLIGHT always much preferring the background, but remembering the hardships and trails that she’d faced, she EMBRACED the newfound attention 

halle would go on to win an award for BEST NEW ARTIST and in her acceptance speech she shed light on the hardships and struggles she faced and thanked the driving force that got her out of her situation HER BROTHER

SINCE THEN halle has begun working on her SECOND studio album and has started a CHARITY to help children of abusive households, and a separate CHARTIY focusing on helping families who have lost children to neighborhood violence

halle has especially been more social since her high school days, but still carries her AGGRESSIVE streak and will stand up for herself and her beliefs no matter the cost, she’s truly found herself and is able to be vulnerable with others almost to a fault, but that doesn’t mean you will win her trust easily, that is still something you’ll have to fight for, but once you earn it she WILL go to bat for you NO MATTER WHAT

HOWEVER halle is still EXTREMELY UNACCUSTOMED to her fame and often does things that paints her in a less than flattering light

𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘

𝐙𝐎𝐃𝐈𝐀𝐂

aries sun, gemini moon, gemini rising

𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐆𝐍𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐓

chaotic good

𝐌𝐁𝐓𝐈

isfp-a

𝐄𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐀𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐌

type 9w8

𝐓𝐄𝐌𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐓

sanguine

𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐒𝐄

slytherin

𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 𝐋𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐔𝐀𝐆𝐄𝐒

in order: words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, physical time, and receiving gifts

𝐏𝐎𝐒𝐈𝐓𝐈𝐕𝐄 𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐈𝐓𝐒

adaptable, adventurous, affable, affectionate, ambitious, amusing, attentive, brave, bright, calm, caring, charismatic, charming, committed, courageous, creative, decisive, dependable, determined, diligent, direct, driven, easy-going, efficient, engaging, enthusiastic, extroverted, flirtatious, forthright, frank, fun-loving, funny, gregarious, intelligent, knowledgeable, lively, logical, loyal, mischievous, neat, objective, observant, open-minded, organized, outgoing, passionate, persistent, playful, practical, pragmatic, protective, quick-witted, rational, realistic, reliable, responsible, romantic, self-confident, sociable, strong-willed, and trustworthy

𝐍𝐄𝐆𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐕𝐄 𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐈𝐓𝐒

abrasive, aggressive, aloof, analytical, argumentative, arrogant, assertive, avoidant, belligerent, blunt, bossy, calculating, callous, cautious, competitive, condescending, confrontational, critical, cynical, deceitful, defiant, destructive, detached, discreet, dishonest, dramatic, evasive, explosive, foolhardy, grumpy, guarded, harsh, headstrong, impatient, impulsive, insensitive, intimidating, irrational, judgmental, melancholic, narcissistic, negative, opinionated, outspoken, perfectionist, pretentious, private, quick-tempered, rebellious, reckless, rude, secretive, stubborn, temperamental, thoughtless, unemotional, vain, and violent

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐏𝐎

i’d like to say she’s a weird amalgamation of characters i liked in media i’ve consumed, and although he relates more to some characters than others this is an incomplete list of my influences

p.s. you can click on the names of a charatcer to see a gifset of them that reminds me of halle <3 <3 <3

𝑱𝑨𝑫𝑬 𝑾𝑬𝑺𝑻 ( 𝐕𝐈𝐂𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐎𝐔𝐒 ) , 𝑱𝑶𝑵𝑨𝑻𝑯𝑨𝑵 𝑩𝒀𝑬𝑹𝑺 ( 𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐑 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 ) , 𝑴𝑨𝑹𝑪𝑬𝑳𝑰𝑵𝑬 ( 𝐀𝐃𝐕𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐄 𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄 ) , 𝑺𝑯𝑨𝑮𝑮𝒀 𝑹𝑶𝑮𝑬𝑹𝑺 ( 𝐒𝐂𝐎𝐎𝐁𝐘-𝐃𝐎𝐎 ) , 𝑷𝑯𝑰𝑳𝑳𝑰𝑷 𝑱. 𝑭𝑹𝒀 ( 𝐅𝐔𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐀𝐌𝐀 ) , 𝑴𝑶𝑹𝑫𝑬𝑪𝑨𝑰 ( 𝐑𝐄𝐆𝐔𝐋𝐀𝐑 𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐖 ) , 𝑺𝑶𝑶𝑺 ( 𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐕𝐈𝐓𝐘 𝐅𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐒 ) , 𝑮𝑾𝑬𝑵 ( 𝐓𝐎𝐓𝐀𝐋 𝐃𝐑𝐀𝐌𝐀 𝐈𝐒𝐋𝐀𝐍𝐃 ) , 𝑱𝑨𝑵𝑬 𝑳𝑨𝑵𝑬 ( 𝐃𝐀𝐑𝐈𝐀 ) , 𝑴𝑬𝑹𝑬𝑫𝑰𝑻𝑯 𝑮𝑹𝑬𝒀 ( 𝐆𝐑𝐄𝐘'𝐒 𝐀𝐍𝐀𝐓𝐎𝐌𝐘 ) , 𝑵𝑨𝑻𝑬 𝑨𝑹𝑪𝑯𝑰𝑩𝑨𝑳𝑫 ( 𝐆𝐎𝐒𝐒𝐈𝐏 𝐆𝐈𝐑𝐋 ) , 𝑨𝑵𝑫 𝑻𝑰𝑵𝑲𝑬𝑹𝑩𝑬𝑳𝑳 ( 𝐏𝐄𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐏𝐀𝐍 )

𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒

𝑹𝑶𝑴𝑨𝑵𝑻𝑰𝑪

𝑬𝑿𝑬𝑺 𝑶𝑵 𝑮𝑶𝑶𝑫 𝑻𝑬𝑹𝑴𝑺. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.

𝑬𝑿𝑬𝑺 𝑶𝑵 𝑩𝑨𝑫 𝑻𝑬𝑹𝑴𝑺. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.

𝑭𝑹𝑰𝑬𝑵𝑫𝑺 𝑻𝑶 𝑳𝑶𝑽𝑬𝑹𝑺. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.

𝑭𝑹𝑰𝑬𝑵𝑫𝑺 𝑾𝑰𝑻𝑯 𝑩𝑬𝑵𝑬𝑭𝑰𝑻𝑺. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑. 

𝑺𝑲𝑰𝑵𝑵𝒀 𝑳𝑶𝑽𝑬. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.

𝑺𝑳𝑶𝑾 𝑩𝑼𝑹𝑵. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.

𝑷𝑹 𝑹𝑬𝑳𝑨𝑻𝑰𝑶𝑵𝑺𝑯𝑰𝑷. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.

𝑻𝑶𝑿𝑰𝑪 𝑹𝑬𝑳𝑨𝑻𝑰𝑶𝑵𝑺𝑯𝑰𝑷. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.

𝑼𝑵𝑹𝑬𝑸𝑼𝑰𝑻𝑬𝑫 𝑳𝑶𝑽𝑬. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.

𝑷𝑳𝑨𝑻𝑶𝑵𝑰𝑪

𝑺𝑸𝑼𝑨𝑫. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.

𝑹𝑶𝑶𝑴𝑴𝑨𝑻𝑬𝑺. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.      

𝑮𝑶𝑶𝑫 𝑰𝑵𝑭𝑳𝑼𝑬𝑵𝑪𝑬. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.   

𝑩𝑨𝑫 𝑰𝑵𝑭𝑳𝑼𝑬𝑵𝑪𝑬. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.

𝑩𝑬𝑺𝑻 𝑭𝑹𝑰𝑬𝑵𝑫. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.

𝑪𝑯𝑰𝑳𝑫𝑯𝑶𝑶𝑫 𝑭𝑹𝑰𝑬𝑵𝑫. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.

𝑵𝑬𝑮𝑨𝑻𝑰𝑽𝑬

𝑭𝑹𝑰𝑬𝑵𝑫𝑺 𝑻𝑼𝑹𝑵𝑬𝑫 𝑬𝑵𝑬𝑴𝑰𝑬𝑺. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.

𝑬𝑵𝑬𝑴𝑰𝑬𝑺. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.

𝑭𝑹𝑬𝑵𝑬𝑴𝑰𝑬𝑺. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.

if any of these interest you feel free to message me! i have ideas for all of them that i’m always ready to share! also feel free to mix and match any of the plots above a good influence who has an unrequited crush but is also his roommate? sounds like content to me, a friend with benefits turned best friend turned exes on bad terms we love to see it! and if none of these seem interesting to you fill free to check out halle’s wanted connections page!

[ladynox]

(Fic) Milestones

Fandom: Roswell New Mexico

Relationships: Malexa

Summary:  Maria, Michael and Alex have been in a v poly relationship for years. Peacefully cohabiting together. That peace is upended when Maria realizes she's pregnant.

Notes: A thousand hugs to my wonderful beta @beautifulcheat. You are the best!

Chapter 1

Alex’s house was a little small for three people, but they made it work and it was cozy.But as Maria looked at the positive pregnancy test in her hand, she knew cozy wouldn’t really cut it anymore.

“Fuck.” She was sitting on the toilet, panties around her ankles, just staring at the two little pink lines in the results window. “Fuck.”

A fucking baby.

Maria had never been sure babies were in her cards. When her mother was 28, she had already been born. At 28, Maria had only just started not-dating Michael. To be honest, with the specter of a degenerative disease hanging over her, it made more sense to focus instead on earning enough monetary success to take care of her mother, to eventually take care of her when she could no longer do it herself. And all she could do was ignore the looming certainty of her future and hope for a deep connection with someone, a love affair for the ages -- or at least for a decade or two.

In the end, it was the correct decision to stop running from her legacy, to embrace her abilities and their terrifying side effects. In doing so, Maria’s whole future opened up before her in ways she’d never imagined. And here was one of them.

“A baby,” Maria whispered, laughing softly in disbelief.

She finally moved to the sink, splashed cool water on her face and looked at herself in the mirror. She grinned at herself in the reflection, eyes shimmering with tears.

“Michael’s gonna flip.”

They’d been together almost five years now, so they had talked about babies, many times. Michael especially had talked about babies. Maybe fostering some kids too. He wanted a big family. Michael had a huge heart full of love and he wanted, he needed, to share that with others. Even with Maria and Alex, his siblings and friends, that boy had just so much love to give.

Alex was more ambivalent. He managed when dealing with children but there was always an undercurrent of discomfort. The parental role didn’t come as easily to him as the one of a defender, protector. Maria privately thought that Alex worried he’d be like his father. She got it, even if she thought it was ridiculous. Maria wished Alex would talk about it. But even after so many years and all the work he had put into himself and progress he had made, Alex had a hard time talking about Jesse Manes.

But Alex had never vetoed children. He even said he’d be ok with them down the road.

Maria really hopes they’ve gone far enough down the road.

--

As expected, Michael was ecstatic. He picked Maria up and spun her around the room, then cupped her face in his big, strong hands and kissed her breath away. Held her tight in his arms, swaying and babbling like a baby himself. Alex actually had to swat at Michael so he could have a chance to hug Maria.

“Congratulations,” Alex said warmly, still hugging her as he leaned over to kiss Michael’s cheek.

Maria tried to read Alex. Not just his expression and aura but his mood. Since they were touching, it was easier to do. She could sense apprehension—

Sighing, Alex shifted his gaze slowly away from Michael to Maria. He was looking at her with one of those unfairly perfectly eyebrows arched and expression of patient exasperation, and she knew immediately that she’d been made.

“I mean it,” Alex said, kissing her forehead before adding firmly, “so get out of my head.”

“I’m not in your head,” Maria protested, easing herself out of his emotional space.

She glanced at Michael who seemed close to vibrating, from a combination of excitement over the news and worry over Alex’s feelings on said news. She and Michael had spoken privately about Alex’s ambivalence toward children. Michael, as always, worried too much. Worried that the child he wanted so much would ruin the peace they’ve built here. Alex had left Michael so many times that no matter how many assurances he had since provided (rings, holding hands in public, actual verbal promises), Michael still worried that he’d do something wrong. That Alex will leave. That they both will leave him.

Maria grabbed Michael’s free hand, tangling their fingers together. Alex was holding the other one.

“This is a big change,” Maria pushed.

“Yeah, we’re going to need a bigger house for one.” Alex smiled and Maria laughed.

“You’re right but—”

“It’s ok. I’m happy and excited, Maria. Michael.” Alex looked at Michael now, understanding that Michael was the one that really needed to be reassured.

“It’s not too soon?” Michael asked.

“No.” Alex shook his head. Michael arched an eyebrow. “Ok, I dunno. Maybe? But I don’t think there’s ever going to be a moment where I’m one hundred percent ready.”

“Yeah, I don’t think I’m ready either,” Michael offered.

“Yeah no shit,” Alex joked but Michael glared at him.

“Alex,” Maria groaned, rubbing Michael’s arm with her free hand. When would they stop with the defensive humor in emotionally heavy situations? Not in her lifetime.

“Ok I’m sorry,” Alex sighed, kissing Michael’s knuckles. “It’s scary. But I’m really ok with it.” He smiled little against Michael’s hand. “I can’t wait to be the cool uncle to your little psychic curly haired terror.”

Michael pulled Alex closer, holding him so, so tightly. Kissed his hair. Maria could see the way Michael’s aura shifted as he slowly relaxed. This was just the first conversation, Maria knew. There would need to be more. Many more.

“They won’t be a terror,” Michael protested.

Alex snorted. “No child of yours will be anything but.”

Alex kissed the pout off Michael’s face.

She could sense the nervousness from him immediately. But also excitement?

--

It was Michael who made the suggestion, one night after coming home from working late and finding Alex and Maria sitting on the couch, scrolling through the home listings on Zillow. Michael had settled on Maria’s side, put his arm around her (two weeks in and he already couldn’t stop petting her belly).

Maria waited.

“How about a ranch?” Michael finally said, after a few minutes. “I hear the Smiths are selling.”

Alex and Maria glanced at each other, surprised. This wasn’t the first time Michael has mentioned wanting to live on a ranch, however. He talked wistfully often enough about working as a ranch hand. About horses and cattle. Helping mares ready to foal and milking cows. Giving riding lessons. Growing their own food. Being completely self-sufficient.

He started a vegetable garden in the backyard three years ago, which he lovingly maintained (and used the vegetables to create new and interesting dishes for Maria and Alex), and he’d been reading about beekeeping. The only reason there wasn’t a hive out back already was because Alex had vetoed the idea. Maria had agreed because there just was not enough space. She wanted to sunbathe without a colony buzzing next to her.

So yeah, the fact that he wanted a ranch wasn’t the surprise. It was more that ranches weren’t exactly cheap.

Of the three of them, Michael earned the least, which obviously stressed him out. He clearly hated feeling like he wasn’t contributing his fair share. They used to talk (fight) about it a lot, although that had lessened now that they had five years to figure out a system that worked for them, for Michael. But still, all the things Michael did around the house felt at least partially transactional in nature.

“A ranch?” Alex asked, opening up a new tab for the ranch listings. A moment later he was looking at the details for the Smith property.

“It’s not too big,” Michael said. Alex hummed in agreement. “Lots of room for kids to run around. And there’s room to have a garden, maybe some horses, apiary, and even a recording studio for Alex.”

Alex hadn’t re-upped the second time he was eligible for discharge. Instead, after years of performing his songs at open mic night at The Pony, Alex had decided to pursue his dream. By then he had already formed a decent following on YouTube. Maria remembered Alex standing in this very same living room, explaining to her and Michael his plan. Nervous, resolute in his decision, and excited, too, because there were music companies interested in his lyrics. Michael had kissed Alex so hard after yelling out finally!

Maria shook off the memory, smiling. “Do I get anything out of this?” She asked. “You best not say the kitchen—”

Michael kissed her. “Pfft. The kitchen is mine. Ya’ll are both terrible cooks.”

Taking offense to that, Maria grabbed a decorative pillow and hit him. It was a weird angle, so it barely grazed him. He laughed and said, not as apologetically as Maria would like “Ok. Ok! Alex is a terrible cook. You’re passable.”

“You’re just going to sit there and take this abuse?” Maria demanded of Alex, who was still doing research on the Smith ranch, looking at acreage information and checking the place out on Google Earth.

“Nothing he’s said is wrong,” Alex replied.

“Thank you, Alex!”

“Traitor!” Maria accused him, hotly.

Alex shrugged. “And you can finally have a real office, Maria. Even a whole room for all your damn shoes.”

“What is this pick on Maria night?” Maria could feel Michael laughing against her, but the tension psychically radiating off him had not eased. She didn’t want to ignore the elephant in the room for too long.

“I love this idea,” Maria said.

“Me too,” Alex said carefully, glancing at them.

“Ranches are expensive,” she finally said.

Michael sighed but he hadn’t let her go. Ok good.

“Yeah they are…” He agreed. “And I know I can’t contribute as much as I’d like towards the down payment. But I want to give this kid everything y’know?”

Maria squeezed his knee. Alex put his laptop down and shifted closer to them, resting his hand on Michael’s shoulder. Maria was bracketed between them and, not for the first time, she felt like the three of them could do anything, as long as they were together.

Michael took a deep breath, exhaled and continued. “I’m also hoping I can make up the difference in labor—”

“Michael, you’re not our servant.” Alex frowned.

“I know. You’ve said,” Michael replied, dryly. “And that’s not what I mean. I mean like managing the ranch. Like we can rent stable space or horses, and I can give riding lessons. We can get chickens. I can increase the size of the garden and with the apiary too, I can set up a little stand. Sell vegetables, eggs and honey on the weekends. And I’ll still have my day job at Sanders’. I know I wouldn’t be contributing nearly enough for a while even after that but—”

“I’m down,” Maria interrupted. Michael had been speaking so fast, close to tripping over his own words, in an attempt to get it all out as fast as possible.

As if they could ever say no.

“Same.” Alex was looking at Michael so fondly. Maria twisted so she could get a look at Michael’s face. He looked stunned, almost disbelieving.

“Good,” Maria said to Alex. “’Cause I want a steady supply of fresh eggs.”

“I just want to be able to walk around the house without tripping over one of your boots,” Alex replied.

“Dick.” Maria shoved him hard with her foot. “Giving me shit about my shoes. How many guitars do you need Alex? You only have two hands.”

Alex opened his mouth to protest, but Maria cut him off. “And don’t you dare bring Michael into this. He only ever uses the one. You have three more. This is before we even take the keyboards into account!” Michael’s face was pressed into her shoulder now, but both Alex and Maria continued bickering instead of making a big deal of the fact that Michael was clearly crying.

[marisakage]

undefined

Hi there, Abby! @yunsoh I think this is my first time ever talking to you. Technically, this is a recommendation-turned-into-an-analysis post (I hope you don't mind).

So the other day, I came across a vocaloid music video called Bitter Chocolate Decoration.

Now that came outta nowhere, right? It has been ages since I've last listened to a vocaloid song but surprisingly enough this one resonated with me to a big extent.

You'd wonder why would this particular video hits real close to home. Well, that's simply because I regard this as Yuki's perspective towards society and his toxic relationship with his mother/Akito.

When you look into the lyrics, it clearly visualizes impossible-to-express emotions and emphasizes the arduousness of fitting into the world.

The kid in the MV was basically taught by his mother/caretaker to be a flawless person despite him not being comfortable with it.

He tried so hard to be what society always expects us to be, humble, altruistic, social, and selfless.

But being perfect made him unable to express himself which pushed him into shutting down his emotions, bottling up his feelings and suppressing his own thoughts. He ended up imprisoning himself and as time passed by he grew to accept the collar that has been choking him as a reality of his life resulting in him losing his identity.

There are instances in the MV where you can spot the kid wearing a VR headset and wires basically scattered everywhere. It's my own interpretation but I think they might signify the fact he has always borne the thought his whole life seemed real but in fact it was fake all along. The wires are what keeps the VR functioning and metaphorically speaking that might represent our society.

The visuals reminded me of how abusive Akito was towards Yuki. This might be not subtle at all but it's almost as if the caretaker in the MV is stuffing food into his mouth against his own will. Food represents what society expects us to be, in other words idealism. The kid was reluctant at first but later he felt so hopeless and gave up.

He followed everything meticulously in order to become an 'adult' while trying to the best of his abilities to maintain his sanity. Because being an impostor drives one insane and being someone else other than yourself is suffocating. This has turned him into a controlled puppet, a marionette or for a better choice of words a slave.

I'm not trying to imply that Yuki is like the kid from the MV but rather the noxious relationship both parties share.

Yuki has been abused by Akito all his childhood. The stuffed food you see in the MV represents that kind of sick and ill treatment Akito has been displaying.

Being ostracized, having to endure harsh and discouraging words on a daily basis, getting rejected by your mother and your brother when you especially seeked help from them. All of this has caused Yuki to have a very low self-esteem. No matter what he does, he remains convinced that he's a good-for-nothing person.

So faking his own personality while suppressing his needs and keeping a distance from others is what he resolved to do.

The only authentic and real feeling he's been expressing so far is his jealousy towards Kyo. He probably didn't want to end up being a shell devoid of emotions so the only thing he wanted to hold onto is what he feels towards Kyo. Kyo has always been a scapegoat after all (I feel so bad for him). But besides the point, Yuki's been trying so hard to please everyone in fear of getting rejected the way he did by his mother and his brother. Just the thought makes him feel nauseated. He's been not only bound by the curse but also by society and how it regards him.

The scars and the wounds made by Akito and his actual mother prohibited him from moving on. Almost getting an anxiety attack in a closed space is proof that he's always been haunted by them which shows how nasty and agonizing their kinship is.

It's been obvious how he tries to escape from the shackles; Akito; by picking his highschool and later deciding his future career. Normally, everyone would want to fit in but in his case it drastically went for the worst aggravating his self-deprecating. That's why being a perfect version of yourself can drive you insane and having to shoulder expectations coming from every corner is torture to say the least.

He didn't snap or anything because he thinks he has no rights to express himself, after all he's a pathetic and a worthless person who doesn't deserve people's attention and empathy let alone the affection everyone craves for.

Yet witnessing before his eyes the way Kyo and Tohru interact with each others made him realize how superficial and fake his life is (throwback to VR and the wires) and how his efforts will never bear fruit.

He struggles to please everyone but at the same time he thinks he's undeserving of feeling loved. It really is lonely but what makes things worse for him is that he; a despicable being; strives to have that kind of connection. That goes to show the depth of his wounds and how emotionally scarred he is. To belittle himself to that extent really proves how traumatizing his experience with Akito is.

And frankly speaking if it wasn't for Tohru, he would have ended up like the kid from the MV a lifeless "puppet" dominated by both society and Akito. He attempted everything in order to break free from their grasping fangs but his efforts were futile leaving him in a rather exasperated state.

But you know what, that's one of the many things that I appreciate about Yuki's character and that's because he didn't want to lose hope. He struggled in his own way to find meaning in his existence even when he knows that he's not worth it, he's human and having such a humane feeling is absolutely normal.

Everyone seeks to find their own purpose and so does he hence he projected a subconscious image that prompts him to do so: "hatred".

He doesn't care so long it serves him as a purpose because he's scared of living meaninglessly but it turned out that what he's been missing out all this time was "love"

Love as in supporting someone else who's as flawed as you. He's been the only one receiving love and he's thankful for it but now that he grew accustomed to this foreign feeling, he started to strive to be the kind of person Tohru is. A person who gives meaning to someone else's life cuz definitely that act in itself will give a meaning to yours.

The act of repairing the other's broken pieces will definitely repair yours in return. That's what love is, it's staying by your most important person's side and helping them chin up regardless of how low they think of themselves while at the same time coming to terms with your tragic past and healing your scars. Loving someone else equals loving your own self, it's an indirect way of pampering your injured soul. An endless cycle.

Sharing that sacred feeling is what gives people a purpose in life and this is what Yuki has realized after receiving it from Tohru. He wants to become that person even if he's scarred and flawed. He wants to support whoever's in dire need and prevent them from falling in the depths of darkness so they don't end up like him, and that person happened to be Machi. Both of them saved one another, Machi gave purpose to Yuki's life and Yuki helped Machi open up and accept the fact that nobody is perfect and that having flaws is what makes us humans.

I don't even know how I ended up deviating so much from the main point but simply put that MV reminds me a lot of Yuki from when he was a child and how sickening and revolting his bond is with Akito and society in general. I apologize for this wall of text but I really couldn't help sharing my thoughts with you especially when you're one of my favorite bloggers.

[kanisuru]

13, 18, 30, 32, 48, 49

Get to know my character - Accepting 

13. What are your character’s sleeping habits? Heavy or light sleeper? Blanket stealer? One that always rolls onto the floor? Pushes their lover onto the floor? Sleep talker or walker? 

Akira is a heavy sleeper. When he’s tired, the man drops wherever he can find a comfortable spot to curl up in. He’s also a cuddler. If you share a bed with him, just be aware you might get spooned at some point in the night. Akira starts off on his back, and throughout the night will end up on his side, and if he’s sick, he’ll sleep belly down. Definitely, a sleep talker, especially if the dream is very vivid in his mind. He’s also more likely to kick his blanket off over stealing it from his bed buddy. 

18. What kind of home would they want to live in? Where would they place this abode? His dream home would be in the forest or at the edge of one, or somewhere near a body of water like the beach or near a lake. He loves being close to nature to relax his mind and body. Akira doesn’t mind sharing his space with animals, or anything like that. If he couldn’t have either of those, then he wouldn’t mind being in a city with lots of access to various cultures. To have an apartment with a spectacular view of the city below would be great. He could be happy anywhere, really. Anywhere he lives, there has to be a lot of natural light and space to be creative with decorations. 

30. When it comes to the arts (music, film, theater, etc), what does your character like? Akira likes anything that gets him moving and feeling something. His music taste ranges from house music to some old school hip-hop to pop, and everything in between. When he was little, his father would take him and Amory on long car rides and play the old rock music he listened to as a kid as well as the 90s-early 00s hits that were popular at the time. Little Akira was also notorious for giving the stink eye of anyone who interrupted his screechy rendition of ‘Cry me a river’ by the great Etta Fitzgerald. (One incident was caught on camera) He is not huge on horror but can be persuaded to watch it if he’s with good company. Akira is also very emotional, and not ashamed to admit it. He has been known to cry during Amory’s Thai movies and those really sentimental movies centered around family. (Yes! He cried during Finding Nemo) His mother played a lot of show tunes as a child, so chances are he can finish the lyrics to a good chunk of the more popular musicals without even thinking about it. 32. If your character’s lover offered to take them out on a dream date, what would they want to do? Get him tickets to one of his favorite artists, and Akira will do just about anything asked of him. If he can share his music with someone, and they’re receptive to it, then it’s just like sharing a piece of himself.  A show, dinner (late night ramen?), and a walk around the city as they hold hands and sneak kisses? Perfect! They can end the night bed, talking about the fun they had, and more. He’s really easy to please. 48. Is there anything in particular that would ignite your character’s jealousy? Or does your character not get envious?Akira is human, and he does have his bouts of jealousy. He does his best not to let it get the best of him, and that’s what he believes is most important. What would make him jealous would be if his lover were to behave in a way that he believes is inappropriate. For example, a little flirting/teasing is fine between friends, sometimes it happens without thinking, which is fine. He also does not get jealous over those silly “crushes” that are developed on celebrities, or models. He has a few of his own! But when it turns excessive that’s when he would start to question some things. 

In Akira’s mind, the intention is what matters, and whether the relationship that they have is being nurtured. Also, when a partner feels the need to lie or keep certain connections out his sight. That would read as off to him. Akira does not believe he is the end all, be all when it comes to Luci and her needs. That’s abusive thinking. 49. What is something that your character has nightmares about? Are these frequent? Do they heavily affect your character’s mood?Akira has nightmares of losing parts of himself, whether that is physical, mental, or the people he cares about.  Out of all the dreams he has, Akira’s nightmares are usually very detailed, so his reaction is very visceral and physical. They really throw off him off because they do not occur very often. Akira is very vocal during these dreams. You will hear him mumbling, or whimpering in his sleep, either reacting to what is happening in his head or trying to wake himself up. He will also move around a lot. Whoever is sleeping next to him will know pretty quickly something is going down in dreamland, and it isn’t good. Once he's awake, he will be very emotionally sensitive. It's almost like he's still -in- his dream, and needs time to remember that he's awake. You can see his distress written all over his face and in his body language. He's had shit sleep and that dream really fucked him up.

[fmdtaeyongarchive]

↬ i beg you, don't be disappointed with the man i've become.

date: december 5, 2017 (d-7 to album release)

location: knight’s dorm

word count: 1,705

summary: honestly idek. ash hates himself. he’s doing great emotionally. 

notes: depression tw. mentions of alcohol abuse. mentions of weight loss and vaguely(?) suicidal thoughts tw. i lost the original version of this para back in october so i finally rewrote it and gave it a makeover to be relevant now.

“I wish my family and friends, they stay healthy I wish that love was a currency and the whole world was wealthy I found myself late night wishing on a star Everyday I wish I'd never broken a heart.”

when his manager said ash’s new schedule would be a lot busier than it had originally been, he hadn’t been kidding. for the past month and a half, it’s been the same. ash spends all day in the studio recording either for his album, or a portal single, or one of knight’s albums, and then he has concept meetings for music videos and photo shoots and stages, and they’re all pointless because they rarely consider his input anyway. there are days ash leaves with a success to his record for expressing his own vision, but they’re rare and he wonders how he can feel so stifled when the music on the album itself is so intrinsically his work, from his lyrics to his music to his voice.

today is a good day, at least. recording for his album is long done and the meetings are only about promotion concepts now. nothing today directly contradicts his own vision, so he celebrates the small victory in his mind as he leaves the bc building.

as decent as his day has been, when he gets back to the knight dorm for the day, he wants to be alone, so when his phone starts to vibrate on his bedside table, he plans to ignore it. when he looks down and sees a face time request from ‘mom’, though, he has no choice but to pick it up. there hasn’t been a time since he debuted that he got to talk to his parents enough and it’s been even worse lately with his busy schedule.

“mom?” 

his mother’s face appears on the screen and she looks just like she always does, somehow both put-together like the magazine editor she is and as relaxed as the free spirit he knows her to be. “ashton! i’m glad i caught you. you’re not busy now, are you?”

“no, mom,” ash answers, angling the camera to show her where he is before bringing it back to his face. “i’m just at the dorm. i’m not doing anything.” he’s unable to keep himself from smiling at seeing his mom’s face and hearing her voice. he sees her disappear off-screen for a few seconds before his dad joins her in the frame.

“son!” his dad bellows with a wide grin, before it falters with what ash reads as concern."you look like you’ve lost weight. you’re losing those signature kwon cheeks that made your mother fall for me.” ash sees his mom roll her eyes and the homesickness hits him all at once. “your mom and i have been watching your award shows performances and you’re getting really thin. they better not be starving you over there.”

“all i do is eat, dad. you know me.”

“are you sure? you’re starting to look as thin as you did last year, kid. you lost a lot of weight back then.”

the mention of the previous year makes ash shift on his bed. as open as his relationship with his parents is, he’s never found it in him to tell them more than the basics of what had happened last year. they didn’t even know he’d been put on antidepressants and gone through endless sessions with his therapist. they didn’t know he’d lost all of his passion and desire to exist like air knocked out of his lungs after a blow to the stomach. he knows it’s not a big deal and it’s not really a secret and they’d be supportive and want him to be healthy, but he doesn’t want to worry them. they’re too far away to do anything and it’s not their problem.

his mom seems to notice his sudden discomfort and traces the path of the conversation away from his dad’s train of thought.

“do you think you’ll be able to come home for your birthday and christmas this year?” she asks.

“mom... i...” he doesn’t know why he’s hesitating. she has to know the answer. he knows her, which means he knows she only asked out of the tiny shred of hope that it would be different this year. “my album’s coming out and i’ll be promoting over christmas.” his voice takes on a melancholy tone. “i really wish i could, but you know i don’t get a say in it.” he has no control over the circumstances, but guilt begins to bubble in his chest anyway.

“we’ll send your gift in the mail, then,” his mom says with a smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes. ash knows his parents miss seeing him. likewise, he misses them more than he could ever convey to them. he misses home. no matter how long he lives in seoul or how many friends he makes there, it will never be his home.

“so, ash..,” his dad speaks up with a more awkward tone after a few seconds of silence in which the guilt only continues to eat away at ash. “you know we don’t usually read all the rumors about you, but we saw they’ve been popping up again an awful lot.” it’s a topic ash has dreaded having to discuss with his parents. “you’re doing okay, right, ash? you’re so young, kid, and we know you have a different kind of pressure on your shoulders than most kids your age do, but we don’t want you to let all of that get to you,” his dad says and ash barely holds back a bitter laugh. can they really not tell that it got to him a long, long time ago? “we know who you are, son, and it’s not any of the hate you get. you have a lot of love to give and you’ve always had a kind heart. we’ve never questioned that.” the words should reassure ash, but there’s something about them that makes him feel like there’s a but coming.

and it does come.

“but you’re not... drinking too much, are you?” of course they’ve seen the video from back in tokyo. if they keep tabs on him, they were bound to. he just hopes they haven’t read the comments. ash deserves all of the harsh words he gets, but they don’t deserve to have to read them. they don’t deserve to realize that despite all of their best efforts, their son has turned out to be someone so unlikable and flawed beyond repair.

“i’m an adult. i can drink,” he says with as much conviction as he can muster. there’s nothing wrong with him having a drink, but that doesn’t keep him from feeling guilty every time he resorts to getting so drunk that he can finally feel something close to numbness. it isn’t fair for him to be numb when so many others have suffered because of him. the poison eating away at his soul is his punishment and yet he’s so weak, he tries evade it. the guilt he’d felt earlier from not being able to visit home for the holidays has spread to his whole body now.

he can’t look into the screen of his phone anymore and a silence hangs in the air of his room. in the quiet, the urge to drown himself in the calming sea of liquor creeps up on him again and, god, does he hate himself for it. he wonders if instead of his punishment being his own pain, it’s his inability to disappear into thin air. the only way he could possibly hope to atone for his mistakes is to let everyone live their lives free of him before he can do something else to hurt them.

his parents deserve to have a good person for a son, but he doesn’t know how to apologize for the fault of his existence.

instead, he clears his throat and blinks back tears threatening to wet his face. “um, hey, guys.” his voice nearly cracks, just like he can feel his composure doing. “i know i said i wasn’t busy, but i forgot to do something important before i came home. i actually have to go, sorry. it’s a..,” he wavers, “a work thing.”

ash can see the disappointment in his parents’ faces and although he knows it isn’t directed at him, he thinks it should be.

“okay, well, i love you, ashton,” his mom says first. her sadness at their short conversation weighs heavy on his heart.

his dad adds, “yeah, we love you. stay healthy, okay, son?”

ash nods wordlessly, fighting back the urge to tell them he doesn’t deserve their love. he knows they’d argue to the contrary because they’re good and loving people. much more so than he’s ever deserved. “i love you guys. talk to you soon.” his response is quiet and he gives them a forced smile before ending the call and tossing his phone to the foot of his bed.

the tears come as soon as there’s no one to see them, but ash fights hopelessly to hold them back. they feel like stinging acid running down his cheeks. they’re tears he shouldn’t be shedding. what has he done to earn the right to be sad? so many have it worse than him, yet he has the audacity to cry. tears have always come too easily to him because of his selfish need to release his own pain.

he rubs the soft fabric of his sweater over the damp skin under his eyes as he reaches over to turn off the lamp on his bedside table. he feels the darkness blanket the room and then slowly creep into his heart as he rests the side of his head against his pillow and curls up into himself. a puddle of dampness from his tears forms on the pillowcase, but he doesn’t notice. he tries to fight back all of his thoughts, to let his mind go blank of any intrusion without the aid of liquor. it’s not as easy, but nothing ever is for him lately.

he doesn’t remember falling asleep, but eventually he gives in to the thoughts prodding at his mind and, exhausted by his own crying, drifts off into a dreamless sleep with only the hope that it will all be better when he wakes up. that he will be better when he wakes up.

[andrewberkowitz]

2017 - A Year In Review

I’m not a pessimist, but it sure is hard to find the positives in 2017.  We’ve lived through almost a full year of a sexual predator as our President, seen thousands lose their lives to senseless gun violence, and have had our racial tensions soar to impossibly new heights. Changes are happening every day and sometimes it’s hard to tell if we’re even heading in the right direction. The world is scary for everyone right now, and while it’s important to stay vigilant, everyone also deserves a distraction every now and again. Some people sweat out their stress by running marathons, others through hot-yoga, and others through leaving our country all together and traveling the world. My decompression, as it always has been, is through totally immersing myself in the endless abundance that is New Music and dissecting it until the late hours of the night. This year, I was slightly disappointed by the lack of consistency from bands and songwriters. There was no Lemonade to inspire us, no Blonde to lullaby us, and no Life of Pablo to wake us the fuck up. In fact, 2017 feels like the year mainstream rap and pop just took a year off. DAMN. was alright, but overall, I wasn’t compelled by anything that made its way to the Top 50 Charts. So, where does that leave us? With an obscure collection of mostly sad, but beautiful songs that I don’t recommend playing at parties. Grab some tissues, and enjoy. Best Songs of 2017 25. “In Chains” – The War on Drugs Truly almost any song from The War on Drug’s fourth and best album A Deeper Understanding could’ve made the Top 25 list of the year, and I chose “In Chains,” sort of arbitrarily. “Chains” is classic The War on Drugs. A repetitive piano line, grazing synth, and straight-forward percussion chugs the song along until screeching guitars whip us into an incredible chorus that would make Bruce Springsteen diehards sprint down the nearest turnpike at blistering speed. Also, on the topic of The Boss, if the piano solo at the very end is not a blatant ode to “Jungleland,” than I don’t know what is.

24. “The Grocery” – Manchester Orchestra

It’s really hard to include this song by itself because it really belongs as a companion piece to the two-minute “The Sunshine” that proceeds it. In fact, the entire album of A Black Mile To the Surface is such a cohesive album from front to back that it’s hard to appreciate the parts of its sum and not just the whole itself. Alas, if Black Mile is a cohesive narrative, than the “The Grocery” is its epic chapter. After a near death (“you squeeze on the trigger / but all it does is click”), the song builds into an impossibly gorgeous wall of sound, a mix of multiple layers of pitched up vocals, guitars, pianos, and drums. It’s everything, all at once, and it’s freaking awesome.

23. “Through The Roses” – Future Islands Arguably the hardest working person in the business, Sam Herring, frontman of Future Island brings all the emotions to the front on “Through The Roses,” a deep-cut off the AOTY contender The Far Field. Somehow Future Islands always finds a way to make singing about pain so danceable and this is no different. “Through The Roses,” is one of the most emotionally affecting (“it’s not easy being human”) and lyrically vivid (“the cut is waiting / the cut is waxing and it’s cold) songs in his entire catalog, but it will also the one that will get stuck in your head the longest.

22. “Tonite” – LCD Soundsytem

When I first heard this song, I really wanted to hate it. From the jump, we are greeted with a cheesy 80s house beat, SNL-inspired cowbell, and the hyper-processed vocals we're used to hearing in Daft Punk songs. "Tonite" chugs along for four minutes, gradually adding tension with the help of a gorgeous synth line, anxious guitar plucking, and a choir of echo-ing vocal harmonies. In the song's final two minutes, Murphy substitutes his talking for singing and the pay-off is incredible. With lines like “you hate the idea that you’re wasting your youth" and "terrible people know better than you / the use and abuse of the wants of dear listener," you'll be mad at yourself for questioning this incredible song in the first place.

21. “Losing All Sense” – Grizzly Bear

A standout single of the new record, Painted Ruins, “Losing All Sense,” is one of Grizzly Bear’s most accessible songs ever recorded. A bouncy guitar riff pushes along the up-tempo song until a kaleidoscopic chorus takes over, slowing the song down to a crawl as Ed Droste anchors the moment with the thoughtful lyric, “could I ask of you / not to cut into me?” It’s such a great juxtaposition of jingling, upbeat instrumentation and dark lyricism. Not since “Two Weeks” have we seen a Grizzly Bear song this replayable, which is such a nice reprieve from the dense tracks that cover the rest of the album.

20. “Proud” - (Sandy) Alex G

Alex Giannascoli, the prolific Philadelphia singer-songwriter refuses to put himself in a box. In the past half decade, Alex has shown us a multitude of different sides to him, from straightforward lo-fi bedroom folk-rock (Tricks, DSU), to dark, weird indie-rock (Beach Music). On his latest though, Rocket, Alex takes all of his influences, and then some, and throws them into an album that has as many abrasive, screaming experimental-rock songs as it does simple, cozy, alt-country songs. It’s a terrifically weird juxtaposition to hear, but one song that really stands out on the latter side of that spectrum is “Proud,” an incredibly warm, Americana-style song that has Alex strumming cleanly on an acoustic guitar overtop a dancing piano line and a tambourine. It’s such a simple and classic tune you’re going to swear you’ve heard it before. It’s definitely not even close to the most interesting song on Rocket (Check out “Horse” or “Brick” for that), but it’s definitely the most beautiful and replayable, and those are the ones that tend to find their way into my year-end lists.

19. “Supermodel” – SZA

SZA, who absolutely deserves the award for Breakout Artist of the Year, is a co-writer for Rihanna, and on first listen to “Supermodel,” not to mention the rest of the stellar Ctrl, it’s easy to see why. “Supermodel” kicks the album off with a bang, as her vocals carry the song throughout the entire track, twisting and turning in gorgeous fashion, not unlike the cadence one comes to expect with the flows of Young Thug or Frank Ocean. SZA’s lyrics are at the forefront as she sings, clear as day, “I’ve been secretly banging your homeboy,” atop nothing but a few pillow-y guitar chords. Well, shit.

18. “May I Have This Dance” (Remix) – Francis and the Lights ft. Chance The Rapper

Before Chance added a verse to Francis Starlight's, “May I Have This Dance,” it just sounded liked a 80s cheese-pop ode to Peter Gabriel. On the remix, it still sounds like that, but with a much-needed upgrade to freshen it up. Easily one of the most (and only) danceable songs on this list, Francis’s lyrics of “can I say something crazy? / I love you” actually feel authentic and not overly saccharine, which make this song cut deep, if you let it. Chance ends the song with a characteristically fun (ex: “I love you more than you mother”) verse as we’ve come to expect, before the explosive final chorus brings the song to the end. Make sure you check this song out live – Chance and Francis have an adorable dance that goes with it.

17. “Waving Through A Window” - Ben Platt

I’m just gonna say it. If you are not a fan of corny musicals, then go ahead and skip this song. Now that we have the haters gone, I can swoon over the standout hit from 2017’s biggest Broadway musical Dear, Evan Hanson, an incredibly powerful coming-of-age show about bullying, anxiety, suicide, and unrequited love. “Waving Through A Window,” is an immediate hit that may sound like a Top-20 Christian-Pop song (I know) on first listen, but when you really let go of your judgements you can enjoy the song for what is is - one of the catchiest songs of 2017. Just wait until the major-key change at the end – so amazing.

16. “Follow My Voice” – Julie Byrne

There were a lot of solemn, introspective albums released by fearless women this year (Vagabon, Phoebe Bridgers, Julien Baker, Big Thief, Palehound), and Not Even Happiness by singer-songwriter Julie Byrne is one of the best of the year. “Follow My Voice” is the opening track on the album and also the strongest. An absolutely gorgeous acoustic guitar flutters along as Julie shares what seems to be a moment of tension for her in a relationship (“to me this city is hell / but I know you call it home”). Around halfway through the song, strings are introduced and that’s when the waterworks begin. It’s an absolutely real song about personal sacrifice, insecurity, and love, and you can feel every emotion thanks to Julie’s soaring vocal range.

15. “Cold Apartment” – Vagabon

There’s really no silver lining to this song. “Cold Apartment” is a song about the painful end of relationships and how nothing ever goes as planned. I love how vulnerable Laetitia Tamko is on this track, as she starts the song off with “I know it’s my fault. I gave up on everything.” From there, you are in for a ride of dark and brooding instrumentation and lyrics. While this song elicits the same emotions as Julie Byrne’s “Follow By Voice,” the roaring percussion of “Cold Apartment” at least allows you to take out your anger by punching a wall rather than crying softly into your pillow.

14. “Haley” - Big Thief

“Haley,” a standout track from the Brooklyn quartet Big Thief, is a beautifully, intricate folk-rock song with enough tension and resolution to please the average classical music listener. Overlapping twinkling guitars carry the song as the song’s tempo swells and contracts back and forth, reminiscent of a 1970s Joni Mitchell.

13. “Hunters Gun” – Palehound

“Hunters Gun,” the opening track from Ellen Palehound’s newest album, A Place I’ll Always Go stuck with me the second I heard it. While under two-minutes, “Gun,” packs quite the punch, as a lo-fi crunchy drum mix and simple electric guitar accompany Ellen Kempner’s desperate and painful vocals. As Kempner breath-sings “Don’t come near me, I don’t wanna see your face,” you can literally feel the goosebumps from the horrid scene she’s describing.

12. “Ballad Of A Dying Man” - Father John Misty

Enough has been written on Father John Misty that I don’t feel like I need to give this man more credit than he already gets, but I’d be remiss to leave off a cut from Pure Comedy, the latest output from J. Tillman’s impressive catalog. Like many songs on Pure Comedy, “Ballad Of A Dying Man,” is a sardonic social commentary on modern-day culture, but this time from the perspective of someone who is about to die. “Eventually the dying man takes his final breath / but first checks his news feed to see what he’s about to miss” is classic Tillman, as he sings over a track that is brought together by acoustic guitar, piano and some background gospel singers. It may be easy to roll your eyes at this song but it’s even easier to admire its beauty and genius.

11. “Chanel” - Frank Ocean

“My guy pretty like a girl / and he got fight stories to tell” may be my favorite lyric of the year, and it’s the opening line to Frank Ocean’s stand-alone single “Chanel,” released in March. One of the more braggadocious Frank tracks in recent memory, Ocean’s boasts about sex, money, and fame with a vocal performance that constantly shifts and turns with each new line, from tenor singing to a lower-register rap flow, sometimes even within the same bar. This is Frank at his best, flexing both his singing and rapping muscles while somehow still finding a way to make us to shed a tear while he sings about maxing out his Amex.

10. “Mallwalkers - Fred Thomas

Fred Thomas writes stories and then creates music around them. The Michigan native has written over 20 albums under several different alias’s and all of them are just as raw and impressive as the next. “Mallwakers” is the final song of his latest record Closer and it’s vintage Fred Thomas. A distorted guitar riff and crashing drum beat carry us through a mostly spoken-word narrative that builds and builds as the instrumentation intensifies and progresses. Listening to this song, it appears Fred is not singing for anyone but himself, as he reflects on the boredom and torture of a younger, past life, questing and criticizing something new in every line. Almost every line is simultaneously genius, funny, and heartbreaking all at once, particularly when he calls his high-school peers “horrid hushed hall talkers” and “judge-gabled gawkers.” Fred’s art has always been just as enjoyable to read as it is to listen to it, and “Mallwalkers” is no different.

9. “City of Roses” - Sufjan Stevens

In 2015, Sufjan released Carrie & Lowell, arguably my favorite album of all time. Since then, Sufjan has catapulted himself into a rare space of artists I believe can literally do no wrong (joining Justin Vernon and that’s about it). In 2017, he released the Planetarium LP, a Carrie & Lowell live album, contributed two songs to the fantastic Call Me By Your Name movie, and most recently, released The Greatest Gift, a Carrie & Lowell B-Side alum. Within the latest releases, we have been blessed with dozens of new Sufjan tracks that belong on this list, but the one I’m choosing to include is “City of Roses,” a short, addictive ode to one of Sufjan’s favorite cities, Portland. Unlike most of the sad, autobiographical tunes from Carrie, “City of Roses” is a refreshing reprieves of positivity, yet one that doesn’t sacrifice any beauty along the way. Reminiscent of Illinois-style folk rock, Sufjan admits, “I’ve had it enough with the east coast,” as he begins his trek to the beautiful Pacific Northwest. This song is short and sweet enough it will quickly reach it’s way to your most-played list before you know it.

8. “Real Death” - Mount Eerie

On July 9, 2016, Phil Elvirum’s wife died from pancreatic cancer. On March 24, 2017, A Crow Looked At Me was released, an album that pretty much chronicles in real time the aftermath, mourning and pain that Phil went through and continues to go through following her death. There has truly never been an album quite like this. It’s a rare, rare inside look to the unspeakable truth of what it feels like to lose the one you love and be left alone to raise your two-year old daughter on your own. “Real Death” is the first song off Mount Eerie’s arguably unlistenable, yet Album of the Year A Crow Looked At Me. All metaphor is stripped away, as Phil leads the song with the immortal words, “Death is real / Someone’s there and then they’re not / And it’s not for singing about / It’s not for making into art. When real death enters the house all poetry is dumb.” The language alone to describe his loss (“crusted with tears / catatonic and raw”) is enough to make you cringe and threaten to press the skip button. There really is no reward to listening to this song. But it’s real and it makes me feel things. And it’s the 8th best song of the year.

7. “Hey K” - Passion Pit

If you didn’t know, Passion Pit secretly self-released an album this year in March called Tremendous Sea of Love and it’s actually one of my favorite albums of the year. Despite my enjoyment of being in the minority of people who have been exposed to this album, I think it’s worth sharing a piece of the magic from the album in the form of “Hey K,” the most beautiful arrangement Michael Angelakos has composed to date. Warm, dreamy ambient synthscapes that we’re used to hearing from Passion Pit glisten and swell with twinkly pianos as Angelako’s familiar, yet slightly processed tenor glides us through the track.  While the track is directly aimed toward Michael’s ex Kristina Mucci, it is actually an exquisite love-song; a song of appreciation for what they had and will always have.

6. “Pageant” - PWR BTTM

I know I shouldn’t be writing about PWR BTTM because of the allegations against frontman Ben Hopkins, but I can’t help myself and include “Pageant,” --- the centerpiece of the same-titled 2017 record that never even saw the light of the day --- on my list. This is one of those songs that just stuck with me the second I heard it. The way in which Ben’s voice awkwardly bends along with the off-tempo melody of the acoustic guitar, the way in which their voice feels like it’s on the verge of breaking apart at any moment, and the way in which it does break apart at the end, all before an electric guitar takes the song to its natural conclusion. To me, it’s a perfect song and it’s a shame the song never actually got to see the light of day. In fact, good luck even finding this song on the internet.

5. “The System Only Sleeps in Total Darkness” – The National

How long have National fans been waiting for a song like this? After just about two decades of subtle, textured, mellow, down-tempo rock songs, the National reward its fans with “The System Only Sleeps in Total Darkness,” an urgent, thunderous, accessible stand-alone single that fucking rips. “I can’t explain it any other way,” says Berninger, and I have to agree. This song --- along with Aaron Dessner’s gross guitar solo in the middle of the song --- is simply one of the most fun, aggressive, cathartic National songs ever recorded. It’s up there with “Mr. November” as one of the all-time best too, and that’s saying a lot.

4. “Intrepid” – Pinegrove

Pinegrove know how to tangle your heart into a ball, play with it, and then give it back at the exact moment you’re about to curl over and die. “Intrepid,” the single off the supposedly titled Skylight supposedly out in March, is a call-back to the lo-fi days from Everything So Far. On the first couple listens to this song, it’s actually quite unassuming. Evan’s vocals are tucked neatly into the back of the mix, as clean guitars ring out over a tense percussive back. At times, Evan’s voice becomes more pronounced as he screams, “well the way I spent my winter / I wonder” but then almost immediately, he and the music pulls back, and leaves us wanting so much more. What feels like a frustrating tug and pull of tension with no real resolution during the lengthy and repetitive middle section soon makes sense when it transitions to its fateful conclusion. The tempo slows, then quickens, then slows, and then quickens again. Finally, the intensifying vocals and guitars swelter until they can’t take it anymore and we are greeted with a climatic, harmonious resolution all packed within a single chord. It’s a song that really takes a while to sink in, but once it does, you will not be able to stop hitting repeat.

3. “Orange Colored Queen” - Ty Segall

Ty Segall is a legend. If you don’t know him, he’s a singer-songwriter who has released 10 albums in the past 10 years, and that’s just counting the ones under his own name. He is a naturally gifted songsmith, who, at his best, has a really classic sound whose influences range across The Beatles, The Kinks, David Bowie, The Rolling Stones, to Queen. At his most interesting though, you can find Ty Segall crossdressing, wearing a mask and screaming nonsense into a microphone for five-minutes. “Orange Colored Queen” though, of literally the 200+ Ty Segall songs is probably the most straightforward and down-to-earth he has ever sounded. Starting with a beautiful and lazy guitar line, Ty eases us into the song before soon enough at the :50 second mark the track doubles in time, the drums kick in, and we are in paradise. I have a hard time describing this song because it’s such a simple and basic pop song that it really just needs to be heard, similar to any Beatles song you’d find on One. When a song is this good and this simple, you don’t ask questions – you just listen.

2. Appointments” - Julien Baker

Ok, so first, if you know me, I tend to be attracted to certain songs that have a specific formula to them. One of my favorite formulas is this: Quiet, atmospheric piano-driven ballad with introspective lyrics slowly builds to an anthemic, explosive, and deeply cathartic (key word) climax and that leaves you stuck in your chair for a bit after it’s over. Some of my favorite songs of all time employ this formula of slow start → rising action → climax. “Exit Music (For A Film)” does this well, “Ultralight Beam” does this well,” “I Dreamed A Dream” does this well. “John Wayne Gacy, Jr.” does this well. Well, Julien Baker, welcome to the club.

“Appointments” is that formula perfectly executed, with a twinkling guitar repeating throughout the song atop a timid piano line. As Julien reflects on a destructive relationship, the song slowly but surely starts to pick up pace, until eventually the music drops out altogether. After echoing and overlapping vocals fill up the instrumental void, the piano and guitar suddenly come back, this time with Julien belting the final refrain like it’s her final moments on earth, screaming, “maybe it’s all gonna turn out all right / oh, I know that it’s not, but I have to believe that it is.” It’s a powerful ending to a song that seems to bring as much healing to the listener as it does for Julien herself.

1. “Blanket Me” – Hundred Waters

Like I said in the Julie Byrne review, this year was rich in providing deeply powerful introspective indie-ballads from extremely talented frontwomen. “Blanket Me” was a song I discovered this year at a time when I really needed comfort and it really provided me the warmth I longed for. Just like its name, “Blanket Me,” is the feeling of locking yourself in a room, lying on the floor, wrapping yourself like a burrito in blankets, and blasting your favorite song until you sink deep into the floor. And if you think I’m being dramatic, go ahead and press play. The lyrics literally read “gone under, capsized and sinking” before she screams, “blanket me” literally 81 times (I counted). On top of the repeating lyrics, you get absolutely smothered by noise, as you are met with waves of vibrating synths, explosive drum fills, and a choir of pitched-up electronic vocals. There is so much going on at once that it’s hard to separate one sound from the other. It’s totally immersive, visceral, and above all, comforting. “Blanket Me” is the best song of two thousand and seventeen.

Full List:

1. “Blanket Me” - Hundred Waters 2. “Appointments” - Julien Baker 3. “Orange Colored Queen” - Ty Segall 4. “Intrepid” - Pinegrove 5. “The System Only Sleeps in Total Darkness" - The National 6. “Pageant” - PWR BTTM 7. “Hey K” - Passion Pit 8. “Real Death” - Mount Eerie 9. “City of Roses” - Sufjan Stevens 10. “Mallwalkers - Fred Thomas 11. “Chanel” - Frank Ocean 12. “Ballad Of A Dying Man” - Father John Misty 13. “Hunters Gun” - Palehound 14. “Haley” - Big Thief 15. “Cold Apartment” - Vagabon 16. “Follow My Voice” - Julie Byrne 17. “Waving Through A Window” - Ben Platt 18. “May I Have This Dance” - Francis and the Lights ft. Chance The Rapper 19. “Supermodel” - SZA 20. “Proud” - (Sandy) Alex G 21. “Tonite” - LCD Soundsystem 22. “Losing All Sense” - Grizzly Bear 23. “Through The Roses” - Future Islands 24. “The Grocery” - Manchester Orchestra 25. “In Chains” - The War on Drugs 26. “Motion Sickness” - Phoebe Bridgers 27. “Man of War” - Radiohead 28. “Guilty Party” - The National 29. “You Have The Right” - Passion Pit 30. “LOL” - PWR BTTM 31. “DNA” - Kendrick Lamar 32. “Evening Prayer” - Jens Lekman 33. “Charlie” - Alison Crutchfield 34. “Half A Million” - The Shins 35. “Reactionary” - Fred Thomas 36. “A Slow, Slow Death” - Los Campesinos 37. “Ran in Soho” - The Mountain Goats 38. “George Washington” - Why? 39. “Over Everything” - Courtney Barnett & Kurt Vile 40. “Mercury” - Sufjan Stevens, James Mcallister, Aaron Dessner, Nico Muhley 41. “The Greatest Gift” - Sufjan Stevens 42. “Blood On Me” - Sampha 43. “Darkened Rings” - Cloud Nothings 44. “Third of May / Odaigahara" - Fleet Foxes 45. “Total Entertainment Forever” - Father John Misty 46. “Kill Jill” - Big Boy, Killer Mike, Jeezy 47. “What I Want” - Cende 48. “Radio” - Sylvan Esso 49. “American Dream” - LCD Soundsystem 50. “Take Care (To Comb Your Hair)” - Ty Segall 51. “Keep Your Name” - The Dirty Projectors 52. “Dogs” - Pile 53. “Say Something Loving” - The XX 54. “Gone Beyond” - Peter Silberman 55. “Creature Comfort” - The Arcade Fire 56. “How Do You Sleep?” - LCD Soundsystem 57. “Look At Your Hands” - tUnE-yArDs 58. “Tonya Harding (in Eb major)” - Sufjan Stevens 59. “Taste” – Rhye 60. “Sugar For The Pill” – Slowdive Best Albums of 2017 1. Mount Eerie - A Crow Looked At Me 2. Julien Baker - Turn Out the Lights 3. The National - Sleep Well Beast 4. The War on Drugs - A Deeper Understanding 5. Passion Pit - Tremendous Sea of Love 6. Future Islands - The Far Field 7. Manchester Orchestra - A Black Mile To The Sun 8. Father John Misty - Pure Comedy 9. Sylvan Esso - What Now 10. Grizzly Bear - Painted Ruins 11. Los Campesinos - Sick Scenes 12. Fred Thomas - Changer 13. The Mountain Goats - Goths 14. James McAlister, Bryce Dessen, Sufjan Stevens, Nico Muhly - Planetarium 15. WHY? - Moh Lhean

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading. I hope you at least learned one new song or album that can bring deep emotion into your life. Below is a Spotify Playlist of every song except for PWR BTTM and Ty Segall. 2018, bring it on. Playlist here: https://open.spotify.com/user/andrewberkowitz/playlist/1v9fNU9V2foTnGu7LOjspO

[kb9-ships-mistercriky]

Linkin Park, Kerrang! January 23, 2008

[You have to read all this. I’m crying. Chester, Mike and the guys are so amazing!]

PHOENIX, ARIZONA, 1992. A thin, wiry kid – 115 pounds of sinew and bone – sits in a friend’s house, “the place where we used to crash,” he says now. Around him is the detritus of a normal day: wraps of speed, opium, booze and weed.

Suddenly the door bursts open, members of the “Mexican Mafia” swagger into the room, guns at their side. Someone starts to say something; the butt of a gun to the side of his head the reply. Someone else gets pistol-whipped for good measure, the better to keep order.

They want money, these gangsters, and they get it. Pointing guns, they sweep through the house taking cash, what meagre valuables there are, and the bike parked out front. The bike belonging to one Chester Bennington, sitting cowering inside. His internal monologue: “This isn’t cool. I’ve got to change my ways, I’ve got to stop the drugs. I’ve got to change my life.”

The story that led him to that life had been just as ugly.

“I STARTED getting molested when I was about seven or eight,” says Bennington, now. “It was by a friend who was a few years older than me. It escalated from a touchy, curious, ‘what does this thing do’ into full-on, crazy violations. I was getting beaten up and being forced to do things I didn’t want to do. It destroyed my self-confidence.

“Like most people, I was too afraid to say anything. I didn’t want people to think I was gay or that I was lying. It was a horrible experience. The sexual assaults continued until I was 13.”

Thoughts whirring around his head, he would sit alone in his room, his parents having divorced when he was 11 years’ old. His older brother and one sister had left home, his other sister was never around. Left in his father’s custody – a police detective pulling endless double shifts – he was virtually ignored, no-one to confide to.

“It was an awful time. I hated everybody in my family: I felt abandoned by my mom, my dad was not very emotionally stable then, and there was no-one I could turn to – at least that’s how my young mind felt. The only thing I wanted to do was kill everybody and run away.”

Instead, he drew pictures and wrote poetry – reams and reams of the stuff, all in the form of songs, all with verses, with choruses and all with the intention of making sense of his feelings. On the stereo in the background would be Depeche Mode and the Stone Temple Pilots; in the future would be Grey Daze, Bennington’s first band, and then would come the music that would save his life.

“The relationship I had with that band was the first time I felt I had a connection with anybody. I knew those guys would back me up. From then on, I started getting some confidence back. The problem was, I also found a good way to escape the abuse of my past. Getting high, drinking a lot and having sex with a lot of great girls is a pretty good escape.”

And so, what started out as a way to fit in, a way to block out his childhood, soon became a raging habit.

“I took everything. I got really, really bad. Until I was 16, I was doing a ton of LSD and a lot of drinking. Then, when we couldn’t find acid, we turned to speed because it was cheap and it worked really, really well. I got really bad, really quickly. On a normal day, my friends and I would go through an eight-ball. We were smoking it in bongs – I was doing bong-hits of meth. It was ridiculous. Then we’d smoke opium to come down, or we’d take pills, or I’d drink so much that I’d shit my pants. It was not pretty.”

GANGSTERS OR not, Bennington’s wake-up call was inevitable. Aged 17, he moved back in with his mother who was so shocked by his emaciated, drugged-out appearance that she banned him from leaving the house. He took to drinking heavily and smoking weed to ward off the cravings from his speed-ravaged body. Soon he was, he admits, “a full-blown, raging alcoholic. In later years, the drinking would come to take over my life.”

Yet despite all this, Grey Daze would continue to gather momentum. They would open for any national act coming through Phoenix, they could sell out 2,000 seater venues on their own, they could, as Bennington remembers, “Sign autographs from the minute we finished playing until they closed the venue”.

They released two albums to huge local acclaim – but, crucially, to very little national interest. “We had a grungey sound and, though I’m proud of the songs, there wasn’t anything super original about most of them,” says Bennington. It was a lack of interest that led to arguments, the gradual dissolution of the band inevitable.

So it was that, aged 22, Chester Bennington found himself married, working at a digital services firm, and with a future that pointed anywhere but towards music. He didn’t know it, but his 23rd birthday would change his life.

HUNDREDS OF miles away, in Los Angeles, were five musicians who could not have cared less who Chester Bennington was. Ensconced in a practice studio, all they wanted to do was to work out how to blend hip-hop and rock, and to have fun while they were doing it.

Centred on the childhood friends Mike Shinoda and Mark Wakefield, they had met when Wakefield introduced Shinoda to members of his High-School hardcore band – drummer Rob Bourdon and guitarist Brad Delson. Soon Delson’s college roommate, guitarist and bassist Dave ‘Phoenix’ Farrell, was hanging out with them too, before a college friend of Shinoda’s – Joe Hahn – also joined in. Their name: Xero.

“We would write a lot more than we played,” says Shinoda now. “A lot of bands rush their songs, and go out and play a ton of shows; we spent weeks and weeks on the music, and probably only played one or two shows a month.”

“We definitely weren’t polished but we had a lot of potential,” adds Farrell. “We only really played shows as an excuse to get our friends together for a party afterwards. In the early stages, it wasn’t about getting a record deal. But the more we played, the more we realised we might have a chance.”

Their demo began doing the rounds of LA’s A+R men, most of whom passed on Xero quickly. One though, Zomba’s Jeff Blue, heard enough to persuade him to keep in touch with the band. But despite this, Wakefield began to drift away. Now working in management with the likes of Deftones, his amicable departure left Shinoda in something of a predicament.

“I never pretended I could carry the vocals on my own,” he admits. “I had these great melodies in my head, and I couldn’t get them across. I wanted to find someone who could do them justice.”

They handed their demo to Blue, among others, and asked him to send it out. Then sat back and hoped for a bite.

CHESTER BENNINGTON picked up the phone, on 20 March, 1999 – his 23rd birthday – and found Jeff Blue on the line. “I'm going to give you your big break. I have a great band for you,” he said. “I’m going to mail you a demo.”

“He told me he they had a hip-hop meets rock thing going on,” says Bennington. “I wasn’t really into the hip-hop thing but I told him to send it anyway. The music was really cool and the band were very talented but I knew I could do it better. I went into a studio and cut my vocals over their demo the very next day. That was a Saturday and on Sunday I called Jeff Blue back and said: ‘I’m done, when should I come out?’ He laughed and said: ‘No, we need you to record some vocals before sending it to us.’

“I was really cocky, so I put the tape in my stereo, pushed the phone to the speaker, played him 15 seconds of the song and went, ‘Is that good enough for you?’ He went, ‘When can you be here?’ The next day, I was on the steps of Zomba Music at 9am, waiting for the doors to open.”

But though Blue thought Bennington was the man for the job, the band had other ideas. Having already lined up a set of auditions with other singers, they were reluctant to just hand Bennington the mic.

“It was really awkward because, as I met them, they were auditioning people,” says Bennington. “In between the auditions, I would sing with them but then we’d have to stop because another guy would turn up. I just had to sit there and watch them audition someone else. I was thinking, ‘You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!’

“They seemed very indecisive, as though they were always looking for something a little better. Personally, I thought I was the best thing they were going to find. I had been in a band for along time and we had been quite well known, so I thought I was a big deal. I thought I was doing them a favour and they were looking at me like as just some other guy they might consider. I thought they were crazy, I seriously contemplated telling them to fuck off.”

His bemusement can only have deepened on seeing his competition.

“There was one guy who never wore shoes, and he told us he wanted to do stand-up comedy during our show,” laughs Shinoda. “When I met Chester, my first impression was that he seemed smaller that I thought. He was really skinny, with glasses, and he was wearing this awful butterfly collar shirt that hung all over him. It made him look like a cheesy guy from an Arizona nightclub bar. But his vocals on our demo were incredible. He sang like a fucking beast, the same way he sings now.”

The job was his.

FROM THEN on, they worked feverishly on their music. Now known as Hybrid Theory, they rehearsed intensively. Shinoda would first work with Delson on the music before he and Bennington would write lyrics – often dredging up painful memories from Bennington’s childhood.

“There really wasn’t any room for bashfulness,” says Shinoda. “Some of his lyrics addressed that stuff [the sexual abuse], so when he and I were talking about the songs, he told me about it. It was a weird way to get to know each other, but that’s how it happened.”

Bennington, meanwhile, was homeless in LA. Despite owning a house in Phoenix, he was forced to sleep on his new bandmates’ sofas, in his car and then at a rehearsal studio.

“It was tough,” says Bennington. “I was fucking miserable. The only thing that was keeping me going was knowing we had something special going on. I knew this was the one.”

He, Shinoda and the rest of the band would go online when not working on their music, posting mp3 files and generating interest from fans on internet message boards. But, despite favourable responses there, Hybrid Theory still couldn’t get a record company interested.

“We played over 50 showcases for label guys,” says Bennington. “We got turned by everybody multiple times. We were thinking: ‘You guys have to be out of your minds, we’re awesome!’”

And then they got their break – old friend Jeff Blue was hired by the Warner Brothers A+R department and made Hybrid Theory his first signing. Their luck was about to change… or so they thought.

TO DATE, Linkin Park’s debut album has sold over 24 million copies worldwide. Last year it was certified Diamond (10 million copies) in the US alone. But when they signed to Warner Brothers in 2000, the record company weren’t even sure they wanted them on their books.

“[Some people there] hated us,” says Bennington. “I don’t mean that lightly. Literally fucking <i>hated</i> us.”

The first problem was the name Hybrid Theory. Another recent signing to Warners, a band called Hybrid, were considered the next big thing, forcing Hybrid Theory to change their name to Linkin Park. The next problem was their music. As they started pre-production work with Don Gilmore, the producer told them he didn’t like any of their songs.

“Well, actually he liked two – Points Of Authority and With You,” says Bennington. “We basically had to write a new record in two months. We stayed at Mike’s house around the clock and wrote that album.”

But there were further – and far more serious – problems ahead. Bennington claims he was told he "the star" and that Linkin Park should be his band. Shinoda would be relegated to just being the keyboard player or, worse, jettisoned. Bennington resisted immediately: “I said, ‘Fuck you guys. Are you serious? I’ve only just got into the band, and you’re telling me to start a coup against the guy who writes all the music? It’s <i>his</i> band. If he could sing, I wouldn’t have a job. You fucking idiots, what’s wrong with you?’

“Then they wanted to bring in this other rapper, a reggae guy called Matt Lyons. After that, they told Mike to try and rap like Fred Durst. It was like, are we on the same fucking planet here? Suck our dicks!”

“We cut off all communications with the label unless absolutely necessary,” adds Shinoda. “At the end of it all, we stood our ground and essentially told everybody, ‘We’re going to do this all on our own, our way. If you don’t like it, you can drop us, we’ll take that risk’. When we finished that record, I felt like we had run a marathon. I remember thinking, ‘I can’t believe we did that.’ It was exhaustion and pride.”

FOUR MONTHS later, on 23 October 2000, the band found themselves in Washington State just outside Seattle. Their debut album would be released the next day and, thanks to the support of the Warner Bros radio pluggers, its songs had been riding high on the airwaves. Bassist Phoenix Farrell, who had missed the recording process after temporarily leaving the band to fulfil a commitment to his old band Tasty Snax, had rejoined.

Parked outside a 24hr record store, waiting to go in on the stroke of midnight to buy the first copy of their new album, they started dreaming about what Hybrid Theory might sell in its first week of release.

“I thought it would be awesome if it sold 3,000 copies,” says Farrell. “I thought that was something to build on. But Chester said he thought it would sell 8,000 copies. My gut reaction to that was panic. You’ve got to set your expectations high but you don’t want to be stupid.”

In fact, by the end of that first week, Hybrid Theory had sold 47,000 copies, “and we all just went, ‘Holy shit!’” says Bennington.

For the next 12 months, if you wanted to get in touch with members of Linkin Park, you would have to have scoured the globe for them. In the 365 days following the release of Hybrid Theory, Farrell estimates that the band played a shade over 300 gigs. “We were averaging about five or six shows a week and then travelling too. I think I only spent about 30 nights in my own bed that year.”

And everywhere they went, they were hailed as a success story, as the leaders of the nu-metal movement. It was not a tag that sat comfortably on their shoulders.

“We never liked it.  People lazily slapped that label on bands like us, but we never shared much in common with most of the bands we were grouped with,” says Shinoda. “We didn’t have the same interests, goals, musical influences, or sound.  I felt like we weren’t from the same scene.”

Elsewhere, including in this magazine, there was other criticism – that Linkin Park hadn’t earned their success, that they were a flash in the pan, that they were a boy-band put together by their label.

“Certain people hated us,” remembers Bennington. “They said, ‘Who’s this fucking Backstreet Boys rock band? Look at these white kids singing and rapping about how hard life is!’ I felt I had to defend myself against that stuff, we had to fight from that point on.”

“Those rumours were totally untrue, but it’s what happens when a band finds success; this was our first taste of it,” says Shinoda. “We tried to tell ourselves that it was complimentary, that they were just saying, ‘it’s too good to be true,’ but to be honest, we were a little bitter that magazines like Kerrang! would have our backs one minute and then would turn on us quickly without doing their proper research on a bullshit rumour.”

BUT THERE were deeper problems than just that. As their tour rumbled on across Europe and then the rest of the world, they hit morale-snapping lows.

“We followed winter around the globe for almost a year, it was raining or snowing everywhere we went, and we were getting exhausted,” say Shinoda.

“To be touring in front of larger and larger crowds across the world was incredible,” adds Farrell. “The experience was simultaneously rewarding but absolutely draining too. I’m glad I did it, but I never want to have to do it again.”

More worryingly, Bennington was beginning to feel ever more estranged from his new bandmates.

“I was drinking a lot then,” he admits. “I was smoking pot and that segregated me from the rest of the band because they didn’t smoke. I didn’t feel like I was connected with the guys, we didn’t feel like close friends. Also, my then wife and I were at each other’s throats constantly. It was a pretty miserable experience.”

So fragile and notorious were Bennington’s moods that the rest of Linkin Park would actively avoid speaking to him about anything inflammatory, further forcing him to the sidelines.

“I felt like I was doomed to be this lonely person,” says Bennington. “I thought I would never have a fulfilling relationship with anyone. I thought the only friends I had were Jack Daniels and Mary Jane. At that time, I never performed a show completely sober, I was always smoking weed right up until the moment we went onstage. Immediately after we finished the show, I’d go and get hammered.”

AS 2001 became 2002, Linkin Park’s schedule became ever more relentless. Remarkably, in the precious downtime they had, Mike Shinoda managed to remix most of Hybrid Theory for the Reanimation project – pulling in contributions from the likes of Black Thought, Jonathan Davis and Aaron Lewis while he was at it. And, while the project was occasionally criticised by rock fans as a cash-in, the album met with critical acclaim in hip-hop circles.

“I thought I was just going to do a remix or two, and other people were going to do all the work,” remembers Shinoda. “I ended up overseeing the whole thing and juggling over 30 artists’ work and schedule. I vowed never to do it again!”

Barely pausing for breath, the band went straight back into the studio with Don Gilmore, this time to record their second album Meteora – with the success of their first album a weight hanging around their necks.

“There was pressure on us,” admits Farrell. “No matter what we did, we knew it would probably be considered a disappointment. Clearly, there was no way we could repeat the insanity of Hybrid Theory.”

Its release, on 25 March 2003, was greeted with both commercial and critical success – though there were those who claimed that rather than develop their sound, Linkin Park had found a successful modus operandi and stuck to it. It’s something, retrospectively, that Bennington admits too.

“Within the band, we call Hybrid Theory and Meteora Volumes I and II,” he says. “They’re very similar in a lot of ways. There’s almost a formula to them, you can tell what each song is going to do next.”

“But, on the other hand,” counters Shinoda, “we wanted to further define and evolve our sound as well. A song like Breaking The Habit, for example, could never have existed on Hybrid Theory; it was a more mature song, lyrically and sonically. When I listen to that album now, I think it has its strengths and weaknesses. There are things that sound really stiff to me now but I love it for the period in time it represents for us.”

Then, once again, Linkin Park hit the road, without stopping for another two years.

“FOR FOUR or five years, we went at a hundred miles an hour,” says Farrell. “At the end of that, we needed a break. By the end of 2004, we were about to burn out.”

While Mike Shinoda found time to both oversee the band’s mash-up collaboration with rapper Jay-Z and to release his own solo record, Fort Minor, the rest of Linkin Park found themselves worn out as they finished the Meteora touring cycle.

It was perhaps Chester Bennington who was in the worst position. Trapped in a marriage that was no longer working, and drinking more and more heavily, he was in a bad way.

“I wasn’t leaving my house. I’d shack up in my closet in the dark and shake all day. I’d wake up and have a pint of Jack Daniels to calm down, then I’d pop a bunch of pills and go back in my closet and fucking freak out for the rest of the day. I was a mess. I was falling through windows, having seizures and going to hospital the whole time. It was fucking ridiculous. I was a total wreck.

“Eventually I just gave in. I had to give up and ask for help. If I had tried to do it on my own, I wouldn’t have made it. But everybody came to my rescue.”

He sobered up, divorced, and remarried, opening himself up to the rest of his band during emotional counselling sessions in the meantime. Forced to examine his behaviour over the past few years, he crumpled in front of his bandmates.

“I had no idea I had been such a nightmare,” he says. “I didn’t realise how much my drinking and drug use was affecting the people around me. It was a shock and I’ve done everything possible to stay sober since. That’s made a huge difference to my relationship with the band. We all hang out now because they actually want to be around me. That’s a huge deal for me.”

THE NEW atmosphere in the Linkin Park camp led to a renewed creativity. Though the writing process for third album Minutes To Midnight was both lengthy and complicated, what emerged on the other side was a new band, “a band free to do what we like,” as Bennington puts it.

While Shinoda admits there was an obvious temptation to repeat the formula – and thus the success – of their first two albums, he says Linkin Park are in a far healthier place for redefining their sound along side new producer Rick Rubin.

“We sold 35 million records of that old sound,” he says. “Saying that we wanted to leave it behind and make something new and equally good was horrifying but thrilling. We were prepared for complete backlash. ‘Where’s Hybrid Theory?  Where’s Meteora?’ and we got some of that but, finishing that album, was the first time since Hybrid Theory that I had that particular mixed feeling of exhaustion and pride.”

It’s an album that went to Number 1 in 23 of the countries in which it was released, whose singles have gone Top Ten in virtually every territory and whose sales have taken Linkin Park’s total album sales past the 45 million mark.

As they once again stride out across the globe, from continent to continent, enormodome to enormodome, Chester Bennington stops for a minute to look back.

“After everything we’ve been through to get here, we’re in the best place we could possibly be.” He stops for just one more second. “We couldn’t be enjoying ourselves more.”

[Source]

[rkpcy]

NAME  sebastian park / park chanyeol NICKNAME  seb, bas, yeol, yeollie, that idiot over there REASON FOR NAME english: named after his father---he doesn’t know this, though BIRTHDAY  november 27, 1995 AGE  21 GENDER  male PLACE OF BIRTH  los angeles, california, usa PLACES LIVED SINCE  from birth to 18: los angeles, california, usa / present: seoul, south korea PARENTS’ NAMES, BACKGROUNDS, OCCUPATIONS

birth father: sebastian kim, location and profession unknown. he fled town when ella became pregnant---she was 16 and he was 21.

stepfather: dean johnson, deceased. he met ella at a grocery store and is the father of the twins, michael and matthew. he’d been five years sober when he was involved in a hit and run in 2010.

mother: ella park, 40, masseuse. she moved to the united states with her parents when she was 6 and was kicked out by her father after becoming pregnant at 16. she was then taken in by her friend’s family for a year until her mother left her father and came to take care of her. she then got a job at her mother’s friend’s spa.

NUMBER OF SIBLINGS ( 2 )

michael park, 11. he’s the spitting image of chanyeol in both personality and ear size. a class clown and constantly getting notes sent home for talking too much during class. last year, he asked chanyeol for an xbox for christmas but got a 3ds and pokemon sun and moon instead. he loves it.

matthew park, 11. a little quieter than his two siblings, taking after his mother in that sense, but enjoys the same type of humor that chanyeol and michael enjoy. studious and smart, wears glasses. for christmas, he asked chanyeol to make a donation in his name, and chanyeol did just that, donating $500 usd to dogs without borders.

OTHER IMPORTANT FIGURES

grandmother: eunice lee, deceased. was put into an arranged marriage and moved to los angeles with her husband. she finally got up the courage to leave him after years of emotional abuse due to an argument regarding their daughter. when chanyeol was fourteen, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. two years after a successful mastectomy, she went into remission and eventually passed away from it.

RELATIONSHIP WITH FAMILY  chanyeol is extremely close with family, and values the bond, holding it with utmost importance. the reason he held two jobs was to help his mother out with finances, especially after his grandmother passed away. he knows that the only reason he is the person he is today is because he had family to take care of him and show him the right path, so he is eternally grateful. everything he does is for them, and any major decisions he has to make, he makes with his family in mind. HAPPIEST MEMORY ( 2007 )  his twin little brothers are born / ( 2011 ) enrolled in inner-city arts / ( 2015 ) gets a job at a recording company / ( 2017 ) signed to trc entertainment CHILDHOOD TRAUMA ( 1995 ) father abandons him and his mother / ( 2010 ) his stepfather dies in a car accident / ( 2010 ) arrested for posession and intent to sell / ( 2012 ) grandmother passes away

〈 PHYSICAL 〉 +

HEIGHT  186 cm / 6′1 WEIGHT  78 kg / 172 lbs BUILD athletic; toned and defined muscles, strong shoulders, slim waist, 9.4% body fat NATIONALITY  american ETHNICITY  korean DISABILITIES mild dyslexia COMPLEXION  clear; two tattoos along his right forearm: suaviter in modo, fortiter in re meaning “gently in manner, strongly in deed; solum omnium lumen meaning “the sun shines everywhere” ( x ) ( x ); done on the day he left la for seoul FACE SHAPE long DISTINGUISHING FACIAL FEATURES  dimple on left cheek, big smile, huge ears HAIR COLOR  black USUAL HAIR STYLE  depends on his mood, can range anywhere from the “i woke up like this” tousled hair style to a proper “clark kent” 3/4 split EYE COLOR  brown GLASSES? CONTACTS? he wears fake glasses sometimes, even though he has 20/20 vision STYLE OF DRESS/TYPICAL OUTFIT(S)  street style; hoodies & jeans, snapbacks, letterman jackets, sneakers TYPICAL STYLE OF SHOES running shoes, converse high tops, nikes, canvas shoes HEALTH  excellent; treats his body like a temple GROOMING  five minute showers, face washing and brushing teeth in the morning and at night ACCENT? none; bilingual since he could speak UNIQUE MANNERISMS/PHYSICAL HABITS laughs in all situations, smiles and looks around when he’s confused, leans back into chairs and extends his legs, doesn’t wear pants at home ATHLETIC? very; exercises every day at the trc and seocho buildings, enjoys most sports

〈 INTELLECT 〉 +

LEVEL OF EDUCATION  graduated high school in 2013, currently attending online lessons at sungkyungkwan university LEVEL OF SELF ESTEEM outwardly: 11/10; inwardly: varies GIFTS/TALENTS composing/producing, writing, rapping, guitar, piano SHORTCOMINGS  finds it hard to comprehend theoretical/ambiguous ideas and has a short attention span, also sucks at math STYLE OF SPEECH  speaks simply in normal, everyday conversations, but is very eloquent when he writes, can also be very persuasive LANGUAGES fluent in korean and english, can curse in many others “LEFT BRAIN” OR “RIGHT BRAIN” THINKER?  right brain ARTISTIC? completely MATHEMATICAL? not at all MAKES DECISIONS BASED MOSTLY ON EMOTIONS, OR ON LOGIC?  it depends on what he’s making a decision about; mostly emotionally based on day to day decisions, for decisions that affect him long term, still mostly emotional, but also largely logical NEUROSES  none LIFE PHILOSOPHY  "do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” RELIGIOUS STANCE  atheist CAUTIOUS OR DARING?  daring MOST SENSITIVE ABOUT/VULNERABLE TO  loneliness, his family OPTIMIST OR PESSIMIST?  optimist EXTROVERT OR INTROVERT?  extrovert LEVEL OF COMFORT WITH TECHNOLOGY  always up to date with the latest technology, follows many tech blogs

〈 RELATIONSHIPS 〉 +

CURRENT RELATIONSHIP STATUS  currently dating kim jisoo SEXUAL ORIENTATION  heterosexual PAST RELATIONSHIPS

( 10 ) an innocent “puppy love” type of scenario where holding hands was the pinnacle of the relationship and mostly consisted of eating ice cream together after school

( 14-17 ) various “relationships” that lasted anywhere from a couple of weeks to several months---none of them serious

( 17 ) his “first love.” they started dating in junior year and chanyeol would have been glad to start a long-term relationship. unfortunately for him, she didn’t feel the same.

( 19 ) his first and only girlfriend after moving to seoul. she helped him assimilate and get over some level of culture shock. it was casual, too casual---she broke up with him because she felt he didn’t care enough about their relationship.

LEVEL OF SEXUAL EXPERIENCE  fairly experienced STORY OF FIRST KISS  he’s six years old and playing soccer with a few of his friends in his class. he attempts a game-winning goal, only to have the ball end up in the hands of the girl who would always follow him around. it was a short exchange: a kiss for the soccer ball, and once it was done, he never looked back. STORY OF LOSS OF VIRGINITY  it’s a typical prom night teenage rom com story in which he’d rented a hotel room for after the dance where they both lost their virignities. it was awkward and strange and a definite learning experience. A SOCIAL PERSON? extremely. will talk to/at anyone within earshot MOST COMFORTABLE AROUND (PERSON)  minseok, jennie, jisoo OLDEST FRIEND  minseok, since childhood HOW DOES HE/SHE THINK OTHERS PERCEIVE HIM/HER?  he’s fairly certain he’s annoying and obnoxious in other people’s eyes HOW DO OTHERS ACTUALLY PERCEIVE HIM/HER?  probably as some goof who never shuts up

〈 VOCATION 〉 +

PROFESSION   assistant at a recording studio, waiter, student, trc trainee PAST OCCUPATIONS  various entry level, minimum wage jobs PASSIONS  rapping, writing lyrics, composing, producing, performing ATTITUDE TOWARDS CURRENT JOB  always excited and full of energy, though does sometimes lament the rigid and repetitive schedule ATTITUDE TOWARDS CURRENT COWORKERS, BOSSES, EMPLOYEES  always friendly to his fellow trainees, and always bothering the staff. the staff seem to be used to his antics by now. was once recognized by tiger jk for a performance and is now dedicated to being recognized again. SALARY  a trainee’s sad salary

〈 SECRETS 〉 +

PHOBIAS  raccoons LIFE GOALS  to become a household name and give back DREAMS  to become a world-recognized musician and to use his fame to help the oppressed and less fortunate have a voice GREATEST FEARS  losing his family, disappointing his family MOST ASHAMED OF  his past run-ins with the law MOST EMBARRASSING THING EVER TO HAPPEN TO HIM/HER  chanyeol goes through a lot of “embarrassing” moments everyday, but he’s never fazed. in short: he’s shameless COMPULSIONS  talking, always / teasing people he cares about / toying with things in his pocket / incessant cursing when playing video games OBSESSIONS  music, pokemon, cooking, sports, his car SECRET HOBBIES  he has many hobbies, none of them secret (again, he’s shameless) SECRET SKILLS does a mean impression of enrique iglesias, really good at tongue twisters, a certified auctioneer, actually pretty good at boxing PAST SEXUAL TRANSGRESSIONS sex before marriage i guess??? CRIMES COMMITTED   possession of a controlled substance, possession for sale of narcotics, sale or transportation of a controlled substance, though he was never formally charged and, thus, they don’t show up on his record WHAT HE/SHE MOST WANTS TO CHANGE ABOUT HIS/HER CURRENT LIFE  being so far away from his family WHAT HE/SHE MOST WANTS TO CHANGE ABOUT HIS/HER PHYSICAL APPEARANCE  he honestly wouldn’t change a thing about his physical appearance, despite his insecurity about his big ears

〈 DETAILS &. QUIRKS 〉 +

DAILY ROUTINE ( AS OF JULY 2020 )

training from monday through friday, from the wee morning until midnight

more training on saturday and sunday, from the wee morning until 5pm

saturday and sunday nights may or may not include the following activities:

hanging out with his girlfriend

hanging out with his friends

visiting the youth center

visiting his old boxing gym

visiting his old jobs

staying home to work on songs

NIGHT OWL OR EARLY BIRD?  #TeamNoSleep LIGHT OR HEAVY SLEEPER?  light sleeper FAVORITE FOOD  his mom’s cooking LEAST FAVORITE FOOD  bell peppers FAVORITE BOOK   battle royale LEAST FAVORITE BOOK  text books lol FAVORITE MOVIE  deadpool LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE  ??? FAVORITE SONG  rap god by eminem LEAST FAVORITE SONG  ??? COFFEE OR TEA?  tea CRUNCHY OR SMOOTH PEANUT BUTTER?  crunchy TYPE OF CAR HE/SHE DRIVES 2002 hyundai sonata, black, pre-owned LEFTY OR RIGHTY? right-handed FAVORITE COLOR  yellow CUSSER?  yes, but not excessively unless he’s a) drunk, or b) gaming SMOKER? DRINKER? DRUG USER?  a social drinker BIGGEST REGRET  selling drugs and getting caught PETS?  none, but he wants a dog someday VOTED mister congeniality, best entertainer, class clown

[frostyendeavors]

The Smile of Serendipity

Thomas and I became virtual friends on April 6, 2019 but we haven’t spoken to each other until August 4 of the same year.

I didn’t know it back then but I was in the Halfway state when I found out about his existence; a struggling barista hiding a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship behind smiles and laughs. During that time, my goal was to simply find new contents on my social media feed because I was getting bored of it so I randomly added some peeps from my People You May Know list. There were no criteria at all; I’ll just add ten new people, I thought.

I’d be lying if I say that he didn’t catch my attention that way. The way he smiled behind a soccer net while wearing his ROTC uniform was as adorable and mesmerizing as a lion cub stuck in the middle of being cute and fierce. There was something at his smile that made me stare for a minute or two at my phone, thought thoroughly if I’d break my own rules and let my practice on discipline start the following day, before I pressed the Add Friend button and ran back to our back office since my fifteen-minute break was up and I had to put my apron back on.

Lady Luck must’ve been smiling at me back then.

After my shift that day, I fished my phone and earphones from my bag so that I wouldn’t have to walk lifelessly from our store to the bus stop. My eyes widen as I saw the names of the three people who accepted the friend request from this weirdo and one of them was the eleventh from the list: the lion cub. The sweet caress of euphoria danced all over my body as I stare at the words Thomas accepted your friend request. I smiled and bit my lips to stop them from going too wide; if my co-baristas see me smiling like that, they wouldn’t let me go that easily.

I took a deep breath, hit shuffle play on my playlist of Taylor Swift albums, unfriended the other two strangers, and walked like a kindergartner who received a chocolate from his crush while the lyrics of Everything Has Changed became the ballad of the moment.

The next thing I knew, my feed was filled with memes ranging from witty-and-funny educational stuff to wacky anime contents. Most of them were hilarious while some needed a little bit of research before I got the point. I had to battle with myself to whether I’d react on his chain of memes or not but I let the pessimistic side of me win in hopes of not being branded as the creepy new friend who’s suddenly his solid reactor.

The following months were lighter than it should’ve been despite the daily torture I used to sugarcoat with hopefulness.

For starters, my job was at Manila but I live and study at my home province which is a good two to four hours of bus travel away.

The worst shift that could be given to me is the closing shift. I have to serve people for nine hours, inclusive of two fifteen-minute breaks and a one-hour break, and clean the whole store and every single equipment before we could lock our glass doors. We’d lucky if we were able to close the store at exactly 1:30 AM. On hard days, we’d usually close around 2:30 AM because we had too many customers and the cleaning procedure was delayed. 

Don’t get me wrong; I loved and enjoyed my barista life. The part that I don’t like pretty much is what happens after closing the store.

We have to walk for around fifteen minutes from our store to the bus stop since taxis are too pricey and there are usually no jeepneys available that would take us to there. My co-baristas live in Manila so going home is easier for them. As for me, I had to catch the last bus en route to my province around 2:00 AM. If the luxury of fortune is not in my pocket, I’d have to wait for the next bus for around an hour or two. The worse part is that my first class starts at 7:00 AM and I can’t go there straight away because I have to take a bath and wear school uniform. If that is not stressing enough, the cherry on top of the sundae is going home to a (now ex-) boyfriend who just woke up and in amidst of throwing a wild tantrum because he’s hungry and mad because apparently I didn’t have the time to pick up anything on my way home for his breakfast.

Yeah, Paris and I used to live together. Fortunately for me as someone who is distant from his family, I have our house for my own; my mom is living at my sister’s house and my brother has his own place as well. If I had to live with both Paris and mom, I’m not sure how I would survive.

Eventually, I had to quit from my beloved barista life because there are no nearby stores from my house with a staff opening. I ended up being an essay writer for international students for a few months before becoming the call center I am right now.

Now, where did Thomas fit in this timeline? Everywhere.

When I finished my part on the daily cleaning procedure too early and I have to wait for my co-baristas to finish theirs.

While I’m waiting for the bus at the bus stop for hours.

During the whole trip on the bus because falling asleep is considered as a risky sin.

When I got home to my obnoxious ex so I sit for a few minutes on the toilet before taking a shower.

When I’m on my way to school or work.

When it’s my fifteen-minute break and my ex is starting a weird fight out of nowhere so I end up lighting up a cigarette while taking sips of my coffee.

When my family is too naggy and forceful about things they consider as right without any consideration to what I feel about it.

In every single moment that I find myself barely hanging on life.

Eventually, Thomas and I got close. We hang out a few times when I was in dire need of a break from a stressing work, exhausting academe, and an ex who was extremely difficult to deal with. He was my adorable happy crush and enthusiastic food buddy.

After a few more months of destructive tantrums, empty promises, and sharp words, I broke up with Paris and asked him to move out.

In a perfect world, where everyone accepts, respects, and tries to understand the wide variety of ideologies of other people, not a single soul would ask me one of the most intriguing questions ever thrown at me: isn’t that borderline cheating?

My answer was plain, simple, and paired with a genuine smile: No.

Whenever I find myself barely clinging to the idea of life because the world is too much to bear, I’d always get my phone and go to his profile. I’d either check for new memes or just look at his pictures. I would spend most of my spare time laughing on or researching about his memes. If given the opportunity, Thomas and I would meet up and eat.  Everything was platonic for me that time; I wasn’t talking to him so we’d be romantically attached to each other. Never did I think of doing anything that would make him feel that I was into him in a more affectionate way either. I made it very clear, with a long typewritten letter and a funny evening call, that he was indeed my happy crush and explained that my clinginess is something that resonates from me normally.

It’s something I could’ve done with anyone I wanted to. It’s just that my friends are either too young not have curfews or busy with graduation stuff back then. Thomas was all I ever had and was more than what I needed.

Despite all the time and efforts I’ve given Thomas, before and after we had any form of interaction, I never considered it as cheating because my intentions couldn’t be any clearer. I was only doing myself a favor and giving the one thing I needed most:

saving.

If it wasn’t for Thomas, I might not be chasing any dreams and goals anymore. There might not be a call center agent who’s trying his best to do what he loves even if it means starting his academe all over again for the fourth time. I might not be walking in the streets of Manila with a wide smile on my face even after a long and tiring day from work and school.

If it wasn’t for Thomas, I might not be here right now.

Paris and I were completely and officially over when I voluntarily let myself fall for Thomas. There were a lot of things holding me back but I threw them away and dived deeper into this risky serendipity because there was something that’s engulfing my instincts, telling me that he is someone I’ve waited for a very long time; the one who truly deserves what I have to offer.

I’m pretty sure it was definitely his smile.

[donttelljustwrite-blog]

Song Interpretation: Gravity

Gravity - Sara Bareilles (Vampire Diaries Motion Soundtrack)

To me this song is about a guy who has this emotional hold on a girl; no matter what she does to move on and not give in he has this power to persuade her to stay. Or perhaps he has this power over her emotionally that he's always with her. She can't forget him and that is also having power over a person. She's telling him to set her free and let her be because she doesn't want to be fragile and weak anymore. She wants to stand tall and be how she is supposed to be. So, she knows this guy is no good for her. She's begging him to let her go because she knows she could never do it herself. I can identify with this song on some levels. Love can be so...consuming.

I actually believe everyone suffers in some way from some form of addiction, and I can see this song relating to a vast array of addictions. I don't think dependencies or addictions always have to refer to substance abuse or something tangible like sex or money. For many it does, but for a lot of people, I think they can be addicted to certain emotions. A need to be accepted, to be adored, to be needed or desired. Ever hear of an "emotional cutter?" This song makes me think of people like that. It's a person who knows exactly what they are getting into, knows they are going to lose everything in the end, but does it anyway again and again. I really believe you can be addicted to the way another person makes you feel; even if it keeps ending badly...or maybe especially if it keeps ending badly. I also love the sweet almost comforting melody of this song entwined with the heart wrenching lyrics. It makes me feel like even though some people acknowledge their dependencies, it doesn't mean they are willing to let the security of them go.

I've been listening to this song on repeat because it hits so close to home for me. After years of a strictly platonic relationship, I think this is exactly the situation Sara is talking about. Take the second verse for example: "You hold me without touch. You keep me without chains. I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love And not feel your rain." I take this to mean that the person doesn't realize their affect on Sara. They don't see how they're making you fall deeper for them by merely being themselves. And Sara just wants to be loved so badly by this person but as the chorus says: "Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity. Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be. But you're on to me and all over me." And listening to the song, I don't see that Sara feels any animosity towards the person she's in love with, which especially makes me think that the person she's interested in is a friend. (It's harder to be angry at a friend for leading you on than a random person) I just think she wants the "gravity" to stop pulling her in.

I just saw her in concert and before she performed it, she said, "This one is about my first heartbreak" or something to that effect. I definitely agree it's about an unhealthy relationship. Falling for him is just as natural as falling to the ground, just like gravity.