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prettieparker86 · 6 years

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We All Have A Hunger

Pairing: Tommy Shelby x Reader

Warning: Dysfunctional relationship, eating disorder, anxiety, depression, adult situations

Gif Credit: @englandsdreaming Thank you for letting me use your beautiful gifs!

Please Read: This is a very dark imagine. Perhaps one of the darkest I’ve ever written. But I’ve always wanted to try and put to words what an eating disorder can be like in all it’s complexities and contradictions. That it’s not about food and body shape. It’s about emotions and unhealthy ways of coping. Also, eating disorders were not well understood back in the 1920′s, which would have made it more confusing to those who saw it happening, but didn’t understand. And in case you’re wondering at the end whether Tommy loved her or not, He did, but he’s broken in his own way too… But that’s a different story. And to his defense, I imagine her didn’t cheat on her constantly. Only every now and then with Lizzie, when the moment took him, and other women when it served him in his business pursuits (think Jessie Eden). Not that that would make it right or ease June’s pain.

Please heed the trigger warnings. There is no shame in not reading this. I’m not even sure anyone will enjoy it. It certainly came from a darker place in my soul, but I wanted to write it. This ones for me, but if you gain something from it, Wonderful! It’s also a one-shot. One and done, that’s it.

And somehow watching this vid and listening to this song one too many times, inspired this madness…

https://vimeo.com/108003855 & https://youtu.be/C7VxXRR8BEI

You come downstairs early in morning in a simple but lovely floral dress that dances and sways around you as you move, your hair curled, make-up finished, graceful and breathtaking - just for him.

Charlie dangling off your hip as you enter the oversize dining room, making your way to the far end of the table where Thomas sits at the head of it, his face nearly blinded by the morning paper spread out wide in his hands. You take a seat and place Charlie in your lap, kissing at the apples on his plump little cheeks as he giggles and squirms, before Frances comes in from the other room.

“Morning Mrs. Shelby,” She greets your politely. “Shall I bring out your breakfast?”

You eye the endless plates scattered around the table before your husband, all full and untouched as usual, before you glance back up at Frances and smile. Your belly gnaws, but the tea will sooth it.

“Just tea for me, please.”

Something in her eyes saddens with your answer and you have to look away unable to meet her knowing gaze. Your eyes drifting over to Tommy or where his face should be if it weren’t buried in the paper.

“You aren’t hungry, Ma’am?” She inquires further and you can practically hear the thoughts swirling in her head that never leave her lips. You know she means well. Frances is kind, concerned and you appreciate it, but she can’t save you.

You glance up briefly, but never meet her gaze.

“No, I’m feeling a little under the weather actually.” You lie with a simple shake of your head. Pulling a quick excuse, you’re good at that. Say something often enough and it becomes easier to recite than the truth.

But your answer does stir him as Tommy lowers and folds the paper. Placing it back on the table to look at you as France hurries off to get your tea.

“You’re feeling ill?” He inquires, something close to concern mounting in his guarded eyes.

You love his attention as much as you hate it. Hate the way you still crave it and get excited when it’s earned. You shake your head to reassure your husband, forcing a smile, always pleasant, always kind. Illness would only bring alarm to Tommy’s mind and while it would give you the attention you crave from him, not even you’re that desperate.

“Charlie was up most of night, that’s all. Just a little tired.”

He nods, accepting your answer as his attention turns to the toddler in your lap.

“Did you keep mumma up all night.” Tommy asks, genuinely smiling as he reaches for his son. He used to smile at you like that. His whole face would light up and draw you in like a moth to a flame. The softest part of Tommy reserved for his son these days. Pulling the toddler onto his lap as he quietly plays with him.

Frances returns with your tea as you stare absently the scene before you. The beauty of your little family as you stand at the edge of it all. Like a stranger on the outside looking in…

You met Tommy at the races. You took the bets while Thomas Shelby controlled the Worcester Races, the gambling end of it anyway. He fancied many girls back then, all briefly, taking what he wanted before sending them on their way. So when you caught Mr. Shelby’s eye, you refused to be another notch on his belt. You were an independent woman, you could take care of yourself. And while he was strikingly handsome with the most hypnotic eyes you had ever seen, you had enough moral backbone to resist the temptation.

Your father and mother were devout Catholics, and you were raised as such in a strict home, where high standards were the expectation. In adulthood, you sought freedom, moving in with your brother and his wife in the city. Helping out with the children and securing a job at Worcester. You wanted to explore freedoms outside the sheltered little world you grew up, but you weren’t about to get mixed up with the likes of a man like Thomas Shelby either. And perhaps that’s why he worked so hard to win you over.

You held your ground as long as you could, but eventually you gave in, after you made him work for it, because you found you were as attracted and intrigued by him as he seemed to be taken with you. To your surprise, Tommy loved your loud laugh and the little songs your like to sing. He loved hearing about your favorite books, hearing about what it was like going up in the country, and he loved taking you out to dance.

The more time you spent with him, the more you found yourself falling for the man behind the myth. Someone who could be kind and gentle, but only with a select few. Who had a thirst for knowledge and unyielding sense of ambition. You admired him and the life he had built for himself. His charisma, his magnetism, he was a like force of nature you couldn’t help but be drawn to and Tommy appeared equally smitten. Your connection felt real and growing fast. You were on fire, but like any raging inferno, sometimes the flames can become so hot they burn themselves out.

When you became pregnant so quickly, you were terrified. You weren’t supposed to sleep with a man out of wedlock, weren’t supposed to bear his child, that was a mortal sin in your home growing up… Let alone with a man like Thomas Shelby. Trying to ease your fears, Tommy told you he “knew a woman”… You knew what that meant. The fear inside you whispered it was for the best. Take care of it before anyone knows what you’ve done.

But that was an even bigger sin than bearing a child out of wedlock. And that wasn’t even what haunted you the most, you were never as pious as you knew you should be. It was the idea of getting rid of what you created with him. What you made with the man you love, a little you and a little him, growing inside you. Looking into Tommy’s piercing sapphire eyes as tears welled up in your own, you told him you couldn’t do that. And just like that you gave up everything you’d ever known.

The boat began to shift on the rocky seas of your life after the baby. You got the idea from Tommy actually, the man who never eats. It started out simple, after the baby was born. Just to lose a few pounds. Get back to the way you were before.

All women do it. In one way or another. It was easy enough you found, to just skip a meal, here or there. Your efforts were praised when you bounced back so quickly after the baby. Everyone complimented how beautiful you looked and how easy it seemed for you. But what mattered was Tommy loved it, he thought you looked beautiful and that meant everything in your eyes.

Everything changed after all the Shelby’s got locked up, sent to prison. All the Shelby’s, but Tommy. He changed after that and so did you. Suddenly you found you had no one with his family gone. Your family was ashamed after you got pregnant by the notorious gangster of Birmingham.

Cutting ties after you married him. The loss was painful like severing an arm or losing your identity, but Tommy and his family welcomed you with open arms and for a time that was more than enough. Until they were gone. And all you had was Tommy and his broken heart. Tommy and all the choices he’d made in his life. The choices he could live with and the ones he didn’t know how.

Tommy always worked long hours. He had more drive any man you’d ever known. Just one of the many things you found yourself drawn to in him, but after the Shelby’s went away, the hours at the work or in his private office at home grew longer and longer. When his family got out, you had hoped things would change, but all that was dashed away as they cut him off as swiftly as your own family had. And as Thomas Shelby’s wife, that meant you and Charlie too.

It broke your husbands heart and your own to watch him suffer so greatly. To lose sight of himself without the compass of his family. Powerless to change it, though lord knows you tried, but no one was budging. You tried to pull Tommy near, tried to be everything he needed. Love him harder, stronger to fill in the gaps, but the more you pulled, the more he pushed. The more you tried to sparkle in his eyes, the more he slipped away.

And eventually, you grew tired of the fight. Only so many times someone can turn you away before your heart can’t bare reaching anymore. You knew Tommy could be cold and distant, but you had no idea how worthless and isolated that would make you feel until you were on the receiving end of it.

You spent your days at the Arrow House. Living a life of luxury, you could have never imagined before Thomas. A world with anything your heart could desire and yet, you were completely alone in it. Tommy wasn’t though. You learned that the hard way. When you went to surprise him at his office late in the evening, one of your silly attempts to spark up your marriage. You were a fool…

Standing in the shadows of the main office, gazing into his private one through the glass windows that lined it, you watched as your husband held his secretary over his desk and fucked her senseless. You don’t know how long you stood there. Blinking – frozen – heart racing so fast you thought you couldn’t breathe as you watched your Thomas fuck Lizzie over his desk. In your mind it felt like forever. In your mind you can still hear the pounding on the desk, the sound of her cries, the grunt of his. You can still see it clearly even today. Only today, you know Lizzie isn’t only the one.

That night ripped open everything that had been building and festering inside you. Every insecurity you had about yourself and your marriage, about your worth. You didn’t know if you were more heart broken or angry. The emotions too intense and unleashed inside you to be pinpointed to a single one.

You wanted to leave him. Pack your things, take Charlie and go, but where? You had nothing outside of Tommy. No one. You had sacrificed everything for him. You were trapped. Bound and held to the fire of your life. You were screaming at the top of your lungs and not a soul could hear you or cared to listen.

That night you slept in the rocking chair in Charlie’s room beside your young son. And in the morning, when it was time for your family breakfast, you found you couldn’t eat. Sitting beside your husband at the table, picturing him fucking Lizzie over it.

You belly so tied up in knots, you couldn’t stand the thought of it without wanting to vomit. You could hardly breathe, nerves racing through your veins. Tommy’s eyes scanning over the plate you hadn’t touched. He didn’t speak a word, but the question lingered in his eyes… What’s wrong? Are you alright?

That moment was glorious. Tommy could hold you to the flames, but this - this he couldn’t make you do. That epiphany, that power, sent you tripping into a rabbit hole you’ve been falling down ever since.

You hated the way you loved him. Hated the way you still craved his approval, his attention even as he broke your heart, but now you had an escape and it gave a voice to the hollowness aching inside you. A blinding distraction from the loneliness you felt. Alone most of the day in such a large house, it was easy to choose not to eat.

It amazed you how easy it became to lie about it too, but then again you had been lying to yourself for far much longer than that. Letting excuses fall like prayers from your lips to maids who were in little position to insist. You eat enough to not rouse suspicion, but you long for the company the feeling of emptiness brings. Ever present, never abandoning you when times are tough. Quite the contrary, it holds steadfast when everyone else is long gone. Promising it’ll never leave you like the rest. Surely there’s a price for its love and commitment, but what love doesn’t?

The emptiness inside you soothes the ache of your heart. It comforts and reassures your heart it isn’t alone in its suffering. The pain of hunger slowly quiet with time too. Your body giving up on sending a message no one was receiving. And the euphoria you felt when you went too long, was the closest thing to real pleasure your heart was feeling.

Tommy still finds his way to press against you most nights of the week, ravenous for your kiss and the taste of your flesh. As if he can’t get enough, as if he’s gone too long without it. And you give it freely, your body is his for the taking. The honey between your thighs is all his, anyway he wants it, whenever he wants it. Because you still love him and want to be a good wife… Because he’s miles away from you the rest of the time… Because he already took your soul.

The first time you black out and nearly faint, you’re embarrassed of yourself. It’s at a fundraiser with all the social elite of Birmingham. To drum up new business dealings you’d image, but Tommy doesn’t tell you anything about the business these days. Slim and lean, petite and slender was all the rage and no one did it better than you… No one was prettier or happier than Thomas Shelby’s wife. You played the part, a vision with your bubbly laugh and blinding smile, as your silk dress dipped low in the front and skimmed revealingly over your petite body. Your short hair in shiny marcel waves, a sparkling oversize gem hanging from your neck.

You had too much champagne that night and almost nothing to eat that day. A combination that turned against you as you rose too quickly from your table. Everything went dark as if someone had drawn the curtains in your eyes. You could feel them open as you blinked, but only darkness awaited you. You could hear the party going on around you, the melody of live music, the clatter of dancing feet, as you clutch wildly at the table top trying to stabilize yourself, as your knees buckle and your legs start to give way.

“June,” Tommy sounds frantic in your ears, his voice desperate in a way you haven’t heard before as you feel his strong arms swoop in around you, lifting you up and against him. “Get out of my fuckin way.”

June – like the summer, though you feel like you haven’t felt the sun in ages.

“Tommy, I can’t see.” You weakly gasp out, frightened as you cling to him, listening to the noise of the party grow fainter as he carries you away, your limbs trembling beyond your control in his arms.

Tommy insists you see doctor even after your vision returns and the shakes stop… After you finally eat. Dehydration the doctor says, because you tell him you feel fine and he can’t find anything wrong with you. Lies, always lies, more familiar to you than the truth these days.

Bed rest is the order and Tommy doesn’t leave your side. Looming over you, clutching your hand, stroking your face, holding you close to him in your bed. Catering to you in a way he hasn’t since you were pregnant with Charlie. You hadn’t realized how badly you missed his affections until you finally got a real taste of them. Even Polly calls to check on you. Refusing to speak to Thomas still, but her voice is like a breath of fresh air. You’ve missed her desperately.

But all good things must come to an end, and when your bed rest is over and everything returns to the way it was. And the hours alone only seem to feel longer now. As if they echo off the walls, taunting you with everything you have… And everything you don’t. When your insides tremble and your thoughts race, focusing your mind on food and restricting calms the chaos raging inside you. You find feeling empty is the only way you know how to scream. Giving voice to the sound of your heart when it breaks. Comforting you in its consistency when you have nothing left.

You wonder if Tommy notices something is happening when he begins taking you out to dinner more. He’s barely had time for you up to this point, always busy with work, but suddenly he’s taking you out once a week. You wonder if Frances said something, but then Tommy only brings you to restaurants, always the finest, but food is always the focus. It’s hard to keep his attention, he’s preoccupied with business even when you’re out, but now you catch him watching your plate and it isn’t just the help that’s catching onto your little secret.

But you’re a master at abating the truth by now, so you play the part. Smiling as you ask about work, moving to take a bite before pretending to get distracted by something he says. Sipping away at your drink as you move food around on your plate until it looks messy - devoured because even in his concern, he doesn’t see you… He sees an issue arising, a problem he needs to handle before it gets out of hand.

It’s a weak moment when Tommy shows you his hand. Lying in bed with you, come to claim what’s rightfully his by vow, as he tosses your balled-up slip onto the floor after slipping it off you. Lowering back down over your body, Tommy searches for your eyes, but you only pull him in for a heated kiss. You can’t look into his eyes and not wonder if he looks at other women the same way when he fucks them. It eats you alive, so you stopped looking.

His mouth trails your body, making your senses come alive, your nerves tingle, always a generous lover. Skilled with his hands and mouth, he loves to make you beg and moan before he ever gives you what you want. And when he’s inside you, buried deep within you - you can almost swear he’s only yours. You can almost convince yourself you know what it’s like to truly be whole and not empty inside.

The feel of Tommy’s warm mouth wrapping around your flesh, the smooth wet feel of his tongue against you, stroking all the places he knows make you weak, your body responds even when your heart has given up on him. This you can still do, here as he finds a home between your thighs – you can still pretend… as long you don’t open your eyes.

You feel Tommy’s hands seduce all your weak spots, his mouth trailing lazily behind as you arch into his touch and beg for more. But as he reaches your hips, you feel him linger, his thumb running along the outline of your bone. You take special care to ensure you’re not too skinny, never enough to raise any alarms. You’re petite, slender, slim, not sickly. You’re always in control.

But your body has changed and no one knows that better than Thomas. No one’s gotten a closer view than him. His hand slips down along your thigh as Tommy’s lips replace his previous touch, leaving tender little kisses along the curve of your hipbone as you sigh deeply with the feel of it. He buries his face in the intent of your soft belly, breathing heavily against your skin in a way that leaves tingles running down your spine as you rake your fingers through his hair and hold him close.

“What are you doin’ to yourself, June?” Tommy breathes against you, a quiet desperation on his breath as if he doesn’t understand.

Moving up your body, hands roaming across the bottom outline of your ribcage before his lips pepper your bare skin in fervent kisses. His mouth trails your body, melting you as he goes, until he reaches for your cheek and calls your name, and you echo his back, begging for his kiss that never comes.

“Look at me.” Tommy insists, but you resist, struggling against the intimacy of his request. Struggling to reveal yourself after he’s hurt you so badly, but you can see he isn’t going to let it rest until you do, so you try to guard yourself and relent. Meeting his gaze as he softly strokes your cheek with a callused thumb.

“Why don’t you eat?” He quietly asks, gazing down into the depth of your eyes as he hovers over your body, revealed for him to see. His piercing blues like probes, seeing deep within you even as you try to keep him out.

Tommy’s words feel like a punch to your gut, it nearly knocks the wind out of you as you stare back at him. Why do you fuck other women? Why do you drink all the time and ignore me except in moments like this? Why am I not enough for you? I’m your wife… Your heart breaks as you ponder inescapable truths, tears pooling in your eyes. But you can’t say them aloud, so use to keeping quiet, your tongue has forgotten how to speak the truth.

“If I’m not what you want, don’t trouble yourself.” You spit out, your jaw tight with unspoken venom as you quickly turn away from him. Ashamed of your body and yourself, you slip out from underneath him and roll onto your side, but you don’t get far before Tommy snakes an arm around your waist and drags you back to him.

You fight and struggle against him as his mouth slams into yours. Kissing you so hard you swear he’s trying to resuscitate the life back into you, his hand gripping at your wrists as you fight him. Pinning them down to the bed as his lips move frantically against your own.

“I fuckin want you, June.” Tommy insists against the press of your mouth, trying to make you believe him as you continue to resist. “Only you.”

Angry at him for making you look at the truth. Angry as yourself for letting him. It’s ugly and messy as he pins you beneath him and works his way between your legs once again, trying to convince you with his kiss. But then he says it… I love you.

His voice desperate and real in a way you haven’t heard from Tommy in so long you instantly stop fighting him. His heavy breath fans your face, his eyes barreling into yours as he says it again and pushes inside you. You feel so fucking weak, because this is the place where you can almost believe he’s yours, saying the words you’re so desperate to hear him say and it only takes a few moments before you’re kissing him back. Fervently, desperately, as he fucks you as if it’ll fix whatever’s broken inside. You wrap your legs around him, frantically pulling him as close as you can get as you beg him not to stop as if you believe it too…

But it doesn’t fix you, no matter how hard he fucks you, no matter how many times he makes you cum. In the morning, everything always goes back to the way it was… You’re alone in your mansion that feels like a prison slowly chipping away at your mind.

But you have Charlie. You’re precious Charlie. The best of both you and Tommy. Your compass when lost at sea. You find joy in all his tiny triumphs. Watching him grow and learn is the highlight of your life. One you feel blessed to have. To be his mother. A mother. But some days you even feel like a failure at that too, because you’re too sad to get out of bed. Too weak to run after him, to play too long with him, because your body is slowly dying like your heart.

It’s times like that you want to stop destroying yourself, but you can’t. It’s all you have left to hold onto. The only way you can cope. And you fear one day Charlie will find you as disappointing as his father does. Because Tommy may praise you when you play the good wife, but you’re just a ghost in his life the rest of the time.

You tell yourself you’re fine, even when you feel weak. Even though you know you’re not. Because there’s a hole inside you that nothing can fill.

You finally get the courage to leave when you find out your pregnant with your second child. Your last desperate attempt at self-preservation. For the sake of your children you have to try to find the sunlight in June once again. Tommy’s been dropping not so subtle hints for months he wants another baby, and he’s been coming inside you for twice as long. Only thing he seems to have left to give you is empty promises and his seed. But your flow hasn’t come regularly for some time. And you’ve learned missing a month doesn’t necessarily mean anything… But this time it did.

The final blow comes when you call Tommy’s office late in that evening to see when he’ll be home to tell him the news and Lizzie answers. She’s nice to you, she’s always nice to you and as far as you can tell you still doesn’t know that you know. But you hang up before you can say anything.

Then you call Polly instead. You haven’t spoken to her in months, not since you got sick. But when you ask if you and Charlie can come stay with her for a bit, she doesn’t hesitate. You pack up what you can fit in a small suitcase and have the driver take you to her house. It’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done, leaving him. Far harder than pushing away that plate. Far harder than watching yourself waste away to save your marriage as you suffer in silence. Far harder than crushing your soul to stand by his side.

But you can’t do it anymore. The things you’re doing to yourself could harm the baby and you can’t risk that. Not for Tommy. Not for anyone. Your babies are all you have in this world. The only light in a sea of darkness. And you know if you stay you won’t stop. Your marriage with Tommy is too toxic to bring another child into. This was the only choice you have left.

You look back as the car drives away and think of the letter you left him on the bed. Hoping he’ll understand…

Tommy,

I know about all of it. Everything you want me to and everything you don’t. I love you and I probably always will, but I can’t stay and survive any longer. Please try to understand this is what I must do for our children.

Perhaps in another life…

June

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