#eugh talking to people. talking to them about my problems. disgusting

[fairyblue-alchemist]

*grits teeth* i am getting such a good grade in being an adult i'm doing such a good job of not wanting to combust, cry, or both

[hellotoltecs]

Can only warn about this zelenskyfan25 (or whatever she keeps naming her accounts) aka Oleksandra (or whatever she is naming herself) too. She means problems.

She wrote to me a while ago and was super weird and pushy. Also totally crazy. And she's OBSESSED with Zelensky in an unhealthy way.

I know from several people in the fandom that she showed the same behaviour when interacting with them - even stalking and harassing one fan in particular for a long time. She also tried to start drama and talked badly about that account, with faked screenshots and lies.

Another word of warning: Have an eye on new followers. She keeps creating - deleting and re-naming her accounts.

i thought i was the only one who thought her zelensky obsession was fucking weird lmao. like i get having a crush and everything but that is just...eugh its so disgusting and unhealthy. i also knew it was off how she talked badly abt others, including my own friends from the fandom. i am usually open to new fans, but after this i am not as open. shes even tried to harass me, begging me to be her friend and behavior of the like. she's also tried to get out of it by messaging others that she had been hacked, so new fans that are not her, do not interact or trust her and BLOCK IMMEDIATELY. thank you for coming to my ted talk

[guqin-and-flute]

Episode 73: Koala Chlamydia Is A Problem [My Brothers, My Sister and Me Excerpt]

[MBMSAM AU] [First Installment] [Podfics!] [Ao3 Link]

[COVER ART BY THE FANTASTIC LITTLESMARTART]

Jin Zixuan: Do we want another question?

Qin Su: Sure, yeah, got one right here. 'When I was younger, I was really skinny and weak'--hey! Hey, now, negative body talk, much! That's super judgmental of yourself!

Mo Xuanyu: And of us people who are skinny and weak right now! [teasing] Right, Yao-gege?

Meng Yao: [calmly] I'm not affiliated with you.

[crosstalk] Mo Xuanyu: [cackles]

Qin Su: 'When I was a kid, I was really skinny and weak, so I made it my mission to get as jacked as possible so people would take me seriously. I put in a lot of hard work, changed my exercise routine and diet and it worked. But now, as an adult I'm a 6 foot 7 dude--'

Jin Zixuan: [incredulous] 6 foot 7 ?

Qin Su: Just a mountain of a man. '--6 foot 7 dude with serious muscle mass--'

[crosstalk] Jin Zixuan: [sotto voce] Good God .

Qin Su: '-- and a pretty intense resting face. I routinely make children cry just by existing and everyone shoots me nervous looks in the grocery store. It gets to me sometimes. I’m not a bad guy! I just look scary. What are some ways that I can make myself less intimidating?’

Mo Xuanyu: Huh.

Qin Su: I mean, let’s see...puppies are unintimidating. Can you devise a system where you carry a few around with you at all times? Maybe in some saddle bags, everywhere you go?

Mo Xuanyu: The movies, the gym, on dates… .

Jin Zixuan: Sure, until they start pissing down your legs. Then you’re not just unintimidating, you’re the guy no one wants to stand next to at the bus stop.

Meng Yao: I mean, it still does the job, doesn’t it?

Mo Xuanyu: You could get a butterfly tattoo, like, directly on your forehead.

Meng Yao: Okay, please explain to me your thought process on how exactly that would make anyone more approachable.

Qin Su: They still want to be able to navigate human society, A-Yu.

Mo Xuanyu: Ew, why? 

Jin Zixuan: Let’s see...what makes someone approachable….Who is the least intimidating of all of us?

Qin Su: [immediately] You.

Meng Yao: [affirming] Mm.

[crosstalk] Jin Zixuan: [incredulous] What?

[crosstalk] Mo Xuanyu: Oh yeah, you’re like...you’re like a poodle. Or a--

Jin Zixuan: [highly offended] Excuse me! I'm the oldest and definitely the tallest one here!

[crosstalk] Meng Yao: [ill concealed snort]

[crosstalk] Qin Su: [pityingly] Oh, da- ge .

[crosstalk] Mo Xuanyu: Or a golden retriever.

Qin Su: Please don't tell me you think that being tall translates into you actually being scary. You’re tallest by, like, 3 inches. At most, that’s just part of the equation of being scary.

Meng Yao: And the rest of Zixuan’s equation is just filled with collared polo shirts. Which absolutely tanks the intimidation ratio.

Mo Xuanyu: That doesn't tank yours, though.

Meng Yao: I wear button downs. It’s not the same. [Vaguely disgusted undertone] Collared polos.

Jin Zixuan: Excuse you, polos are weekend wear and there is nothing wrong-- I can be intimidating!

Qin Su: [doubtfully] Ehhhhh…

[crosstalk] Mo Xuanyu: [badly stifled snickers]

[crosstalk]Jin Zixuan: I can! Just because I’ve never had to intimidate you --

Qin Su: Let's just say; citation needed

Mo Xuanyu: Please, jiejie has you beat.

Jin Zixuan: [indignant] Wha--

[crosstalk] Qin Su: He's right, gege; an unopened jar of mayonnaise has you beat. And I'm no unopened jar of mayonnaise. 

Mo Xuanyu: That shit is opened .

Meng Yao: That’s a Tinder profile quote.

Qin Su: What? 'Spicier than mayo?'

Mo Xuanyu: [half singing, half chanting] ‘My mayo brings all the boys to the yard, and they’re like-- [normal voice] this is really underwhelming.’

Meng Yao: [musing] ‘Saltier than soy sauce, spicier than mayo….’

Qin Su: Why do we always come back to food? Are our Skype calls haunted by starving Victorian ghost children? Are we possessed?

Mo Xuanyu: [mournful, high pitched, bad British accent] ‘My name is Bartholemew and I’m starving. Please, spare some mayo.’

Meng Yao: It’s your own fault if none of you bother to eat before we record. You all had the schedule.

Mo Xuanyu: [crunches loudly near mic]

Meng Yao: [falsely happy] Hey, thanks! Thank you so much, A-Yu, love the level spike on that one. Editing mouth noises out of our podcast makes my day brighter.

Jin Zixuan: [under his breath] Just...unbelievable….You all….

Qin Su: [smiling] I think we broke him.

Meng Yao: [laughing] Zixuan is limping behind the conversation indignantly, brandishing his cane….

Mo Xuanyu: [sympathetically] Awww.

Jin Zixuan: I--! I am a high powered businessman! I am trained in martial arts and archery and swordsmanship --

Mo Xuanyu: [mouth full] Oh please, gege, you’re a pod caster.

Jin Zixuan: [forcefully] I am a CEO--

[crosstalk] Qin Su: [ignoring him] I think Yao-gege is somehow the most and least intimidating out of all of us at the same time, if we're all being completely honest with ourselves and our place in the world.

Mo Xuanyu: Aww, I thought I was at least a contender!

Qin Su: Honey, you're feral. There's a difference.

Mo Xuanyu: What does a kid have to do around here to be intimidating?

Meng Yao: Learn how to chew with your mouth closed, for one.

Jin Zixuan: [indignantly] A-Yao? Are you not going to deny this?

[Brief silence]

Meng Yao: [calmly] I don't think I'm scary.

Qin Su & Mo Xuanyu: [instant uproarious laughter]

Jin Zixuan: Oh, come on! He's like...a little koala bear or something! How is that scary!

Meng Yao: [offended] Excuse me--

[crosstalk] Mo Xuanyu: [still laughing] I’m gonna pee --

Meng Yao: -- koalas have smooth brains and eat poisonous leaves all day. Are you calling me a poisonous idiot bear?

Qin Su: [wheezes] Only in private.

Mo Xuanyu: [laughter trailing off] Wait, wait, hold on. Don’t all koalas have chlamydia or something?

Qin Su: [renewed laughter]

[crosstalk] Meng Yao: [startled laugh] What?

Mo Xuanyu: Chlamydia! I think that I read--!

[crosstalk] Jin Zixuan: Oh my god, I think I’ve actually heard that. The plague, the bubonic plague, isn’t it? Or that--Some sort of--that disease people used to get where bits of you fall off?

Qin Su: Beheadings?

Meng Yao: [voice strangled from laughter] Yes, A-Su, that ancient disease the French Revolution that all koalas have--

[crosstalk] Jin Zixuan: [snickering]

Mo Xuanyu: [loud and close to mic] LEPROSY .

[crosstalk] Qin Su: Ow--

[crosstalk] Jin Zixuan: Holy shit--

Mo Xuanyu: It’s leprosy and you’re thinking of armadillos, da-ge. 

Jin Zixuan: [muttering] Aren’t we all….

Qin Su: [solemnly]  Armadillos and guillotines. Every damn minute of every damn day.

Mo Xuanyu: And I googled it, I’m right; koala chlamydia is a problem.

Meng Yao: And we’ve just found the title of this episode.

Qin Su: If most koalas have chlamydia, I feel like they have other problems they have to deal with.

Mo Xuanyu: Those pesky, promiscuous koalas!

Qin Su: Get them some damn sex ed! Use those eucalyptus leaves for protection!

Meng Yao: [pleasantly] That’s just about the worst thing I’ve heard all day.

Mo Xuanyu: Eugh, that menthol, though. Like Vicks for your dicks!

Meng Yao: I hate it.

[crosstalk]Jin Zixuan: [pained] PSA: don’t do that. Ever.

Qin Su: The voice of experience?

Jin Zixuan: I don’t think you actually want an answer to that, meimei.

Meng Yao: You people make me hate learning and also knowing things.

Mo Xuanyu: Also I've been looking it up and mountain lions are the ones that can have the bubonic plague.

Meng Yao: Choose your fighter; chlamydia ridden koala, leprosy ridden armadillo, or mountain lion with the Black Death.

Qin Su: Well, at least the mountain lion could inflict some damage. Use it like a poison delivery system, like an anthrax letter to secretly infect people.

Meng Yao: [patient teacher tone] ‘A mountain lion is to an anthrax letter, like a koala is to a…?’

Qin Su: [mock frustration] Oh, man, I know this one….

Mo Xuanyu: 'I can't come into school today, I got attacked by a mountain lion.'

Qin Su: [acting concerned] 'Oh my God, are you okay? Are you gonna have scars?'

Mo Xuanyu: 'Worse. The Plague .'

Jin Zixuan:  Okay, glad we got our animal infections all sorted out--back to what we were talking about. So, riddle me this--

[crosstalk] Mo Xuanyu: [delighted, Riddlemancer voice] Rrrriddle Me Piss, kids--!

[crosstalk] Meng Yao & Qin Su: NO!

[crosstalk] Jin Zixuan: Oh my god --

Mo Xuanyu: [laughing] I don't actually have anything today--

[crosstalk] Meng Yao: A blessing .

Mo Xuanyu: --but I'll get you next time.

Jin Zixuan: No, I need to know, genuinely, this is not a bit-- why do you think A-Yao scarier than me?

Qin Su: I mean, what's not scary about a smooth brained bear full of toxins and chlamydia?

Meng Yao: [disgruntled] Uh huh.

Mo Xuanyu: Technically, they’re not bears, they're marsupials! And I think Yao-gege is more of an armadillo--hard on the outside--

[slight crosstalk] Qin Su: --And full of leprosy on the inside. 

Meng Yao: [further from mic, keyboard tapping] 'And to Mo Xuanyu...and Qin Su...I leave... absolutely nothing, except...this bag of dog shit and...spiders…..'

[crosstalk] Mo Xuanyu: [laughing]

[crosstalk] Qin Su: Awww, A-Yu, we're being written out of his will again!

Jin Zixuan: Listeners, am I wrong? Am I crazy? He’s the size of a toddler--

[slight crosstalk] Meng Yao: [still away from mic, keyboard tapping] ‘And to Jin Zixuan...I leave--’

Jin Zixuan: He looks like a sugar glider baby that got turned into a human man--

[slight crosstalk] Meng Yao: ‘This box...of useless...tetanus filled screws….’

Qin Su: Da-ge--

[crosstalk] Meng Yao: ‘--that i...encourage him to use…--’

[crosstalk] Mo Xuanyu: [snickering]

Meng Yao: ‘As acupuncture needles.’ There. Sent to the notary. Now, what were we talking about, again?

Qin Su: Da-ge, all those things might be true--

[crosstalk] Meng Yao: [flatly] Wow.

Qin Su: But here’s a test. What would you do to someone picking on A-Yu in school?

Jin Zixuan: [immediate, sounding businesslike and slightly aggressive] I would contact their parents and set up a meeting with the school officials and make it very clear that they are never to do that again.

Qin Su: [grinning] Okay. Yao-gege, what would you do to someone picking on A-Yu in school?

Meng Yao: [calmly] Absolutely nothing you could prove in a court of law.

Mo Xuanyu: [bursts out laughing]

[crosstalk] Qin Su: I mean--

[crosstalk] Jin Zixuan: Uhhhh--

Qin Su: You see? Also-- [quick sing-song voice] 🎵 This is a joke, for legal reasons, this is a joke 🎵 [normal voice] He’s got that--that--

[crosstalk] Mo Xuanyu: [lingering laughter] Yeah, it's that menace. Da-ge, you’re like--you’re like if a duckling--okay, you remember when I brought you to Hot Topic? You were like a duckling at a Death Metal concert.

Jin Zixuan: [defensively] The music was so loud--

[crosstalk] Meng Yao: [pityingly] Oh, Zixuan.

Qin Su: You're like if a golf course got turned into a human. 

Meng Yao You're what would happen if you gave mac and cheese a social security card and keys to a lamborghini.

Jin Zixuan: [unamused] Okay.

Mo Xuanyu: [laughing] You're the lightly salted almonds of people. 

Qin Su: You're like a wholesome Hallmark movie fucked the concept of the suburbs.

Jin Zixuan: [unamused] Sure. Sure.

Meng Yao: You emanate the peril of a box of lethargic kittens.

Jin Zixuan: Wow. My own family. This is coming from the physical manifestation of a My Chemical Romance song--

[crosstalk] Mo Xuanyu: [smug] You say that like it’s a bad thing.

Jin Zixuan: -- and the woman who cries at the Land Before Time every time she watches it. I think this is a case of glass houses, here. Let ye who are intimidating... 

Qin Su: Oh, so we’re not roasting Yao-gege back?

Meng Yao: Not sure how me being compared to a STD riddled marsupial for about 5 minutes straight escaped your notice, A-Su, but alright. 

Jin Zixuan: I feel that you are all being...heinously short sighted, here. Are you seriously trying to tell me that A-Yu is scarier than me, a full grown man?

Meng Yao: I would certainly be more warranted in my concern about him stabbing me than I would about you.

Mo Xuanyu: Oh my God, gege, that was like 5 years ago and I already said I was sorry--

[crosstalk] Jin Zixuan: [loudly] What--

[crosstalk] Qin Su: Did we actually help this person? I mean--

Mo Xuanyu: We always help, jiejie.

[crosstalk] Jin Zixuan: Hold on--

Qin Su: We learned a lot about exactly how disturbing the animal kingdom is, but….

[crosstalk] Jin Zixuan: No, go back--

[slight crosstalk] Meng Yao: Dress like a middle aged accountant, share minion memes on Facebook, and buy your son a puppy so you have an excuse to talk to the dog and not people. There you go. Done.

Jin Zixuan: No, rewind--Xuanyu, you stabbed our brother? 

[brief silence]

Qin Su: [brightly] Well, that's going to do it for us today, folks--!

Jin Zixuan: A-Yu!

[crosstalk] Mo Xuanyu: It was only a little!

Jin Zixuan: How can you stab someone a little ?! 

[crosstalk] Qin Su: Thank you so much for listening in this week--

Jin Zixuan: With what ? Why?!

Mo Xuanyu: It honestly wasn’t that bad, he made it sound like--

[crosstalk] Jin Zixuan: That's not an answer --

[crosstalk] Meng Yao: [begins laughing]

Jin Zixuan: A-Yao--!

[crosstalk] Meng Yao: [still laughing]

Qin Su: [brightly]  We hope you enjoyed our enlightening romp, here! We want to thank Sister Sledge for the use of the song We Are Family. A-Yu, how about that last Yahoo?

[crosstalk] Meng Yao: [farther from mic, clearly grinning] Ohhh, boy. 

Mo Xuanyu: Okay, okay--anonymous Yahoo Answers user asks….[exaggerated, desperate voice] ‘I can’t afford a freezer. Where do I put my deer meat?’

[Outro music begins quietly]

Qin Su: [laughs] I’m Qin Su.

Jin Zixuan: [sighs, disgruntled] I’m Jin Zixuan.

Meng Yao: [grinning] I’m Meng Yao.

Mo Xuanyu: [sheepish] I’m Mo Xuanyu.

Qin Su: And this has been My Brothers, My Sister, And Me! Thank you to everyone, see you next week and remember; send your trash dad straight to jail!

[xiaosmoon]

hello! i loved ur college au, so can i request that but for zhongli and kaeya pls? thank you!

the boys as your college roommate pt.2

pairings: zhongli & kaeya x gn!reader ft.hu tao (afab reader for kaeya)

content/warnings: fluffyyy, mentions of a seance. mentions of sex for kaeya's but no actual intercourse between the reader & kaeya

a/n: i got carried away with zhongli... ehe *ghost busters theme song*

-> zhongli

moving in with zhongli was an absolute delight. he was so respectful of your space and even helped you study!

you weren't really surprised to find out he was a history major. it's practically almost all he talked about, not that you minded.

today he came home with the biggest smile plastered on his face and pamphlet in hand. "there's a new history exhibit opening up around campus. i heard it's about the town's local history and war from over 800 years ago. uh if you'd like, we can go together?" and who were you to say no?

you knew this wasn't a date or anything, just two friends hanging out! because that's what friends do, right? once you and zhongli arrived, you both decided to go with a tour guide because even zhongli didn't know much about the town's history. "and this exhibit over here ladies and gentlemen tells you about the haunting of whitmore's house, ouuuuu!" the tour guide gave his worst ghostly impression.

you chuckle and turn to zhongli, who didn't seem as amused. "zhongli? you don't really believe in the haunting of whitmore's house, ouuuuu!" you gave your best mimic of the tour guide. he's eyes remains fixated on the small replica of the house. "hmm, i'm not sure. i am confused on why it would be in a history museum."

"well my friend, whitmore was a brave general during the war. he unfortunately got ambushed in his own home. legend has it you can still hear his screaming coming from his bedroom!" the tour guide made another ghostly mimic before leaving. that sent chills up your spine. "eugh, how awful." you crossed your arms. the distaste in your voice was very evident, so zhongli and you both decided to move on to the next exhibit.

later that night while you guys were deciding on what to have for dinner, there was very loud knocking sound at the door. "i'll get it." when you opened the door, you were met with an overly excited hu tao. she was bouncing on her toes with a up to no good grin.

"hu tao? i wasn't expecting you. come on in." you open the door wider and she makes a bee line for the couch. "weeee have plans tonight." she announces plopping down next to zhongli. "we do? i wasn't aware." zhongli raises his eyebrows.

hu tao was a good friend of zhongli's. although you didn't know her too well, you liked her spirit. "ohhh yes we do! we're having a seance at whitmore's house." her smile only grew wider. speaking of spirits. you on the other hand collapsed on the couch. "a seance? at a haunted house? you can count me out." you shiver. zhongli wanted to say he was surprised, but he really wasn't. hu tao was the president of the occult club after all.

"will it just be us?" zhongli's interest was piqued. "mmm no. a few of my club members will be joining us but i wanted to invite the two of you as well! i know you guys went to the museum today so i thought you'd be interested!" the way hu tao's eyes sparkled at this was a bit concerning.

you sigh, nibbling on your bottom lip in deep thought. oh, what the hell. it's not like you believe in this ghosts anyway. you slam your palms on the coffee table and stand up abruptly, making zhongli and hu tao flinch. "let's go catch some ghosts!"

now what the hell were you thinking?! the weather was freezing, and dark clouds painted the night, showing signs of a thunderstorm. you were shaking in your boots standing outside of the haunted house. if you can even call it that. it was more of an abandoned manor. a gate surrounded the property so it was a hassle to get to get in.

zhongli noticed your shaking, so he held your hand. you look up at him and he just shoots you a comforting smile. your body begins to shake less. "alright everyone, are we ready?" hu tao turns around to look at everyone. you all nod and follow hu tao inside. the atmosphere inside wasn't helping your nerves. the wallpaper was tearing from the walls, stains of water damaged, missing floorboards, and- was that a blood stain?

you must've clenched zhongli's hand too tight because he started rubbing his thumb across your intertwined hands to help calm you down. okay, deep breaths y/n. you can do this. besides, it's not like ghosts actually exist, right?

"wowwww look at this place! how about we explore for a bit? we can split up and meet up later here!" hu tao suggested. you were about to protest, but zhongli was already leading you away from the rest of the group. "is this really safe?" you ask him barely loud enough.

"don't worry. i'm here with you. and if you get too uncomfortable, i'm sure hu tao will understand that we had to leave." his words brought you enough comfort to keep your legs walking. you clung to zhongli's side as you explored the eerie hallway with nothing but a dim flashlight. "i wonder which room was his." zhongli mumbled mindlessly. your body tensed up at his statement and you shook your head. "i'm sure hu tao is on the hunt for it." you tried to joke, but the fear building up in the pit of your stomach was just too much.

the gods were definitely against you. the flashlight zhongli was holding had gone out. "oh great. good thing we have our phones." you reached out for your phone in your pocket and hastily turned the flashlight on. "oh, seems like i forgot my phone. let's find hu tao."

for the rest of the night, your hand never left zhongli's. even when you heard a ghoulish scream coming from the upper level

-> kaeya

being roommates with kayea was very, well, exhilarating. he wasn't a terrible roommate but he was totally a fuckboy. you had to set boundaries when you heard unwanted noises coming from him and his friends on the other side of your wall almost every night.

he apologized for his behavior and promised to never let it happen again. until it did.

it was midnight and you were awoken by the very evident sex noises coming from kaeya's room. it had to have been his 3rd person this week. he thought he was being slick by sneaking his links over while you were fast asleep. you were finally going to put a stop to this.

deciding enough was enough, you angrily rip off the blanket on your body and shuffle into your bunny slippers. you march over to kaeya's room and knock very loudly on his door. "kaeya my love, is everything alright. seems like quite a ruckus in there. i'm coming in."

without shame, you open up the door wide to find kaeya and his flavor of the week hiding under his covers. well, time to put your acting skills to use. "oh! kaeya! what's this? how could you! even after i told you about our baby just yesterday?! what am i suppose to do now? i can't deal with this!" you burst out into the fakest tears kaeya has ever seen. kaeya had the most horrific expression on his face. the girl beside him was disgusted. she slapped kaeya, "you told me you were single! your s/o is pregnant! you disgusting man." she grabbed all of her clothes littered on the floor and left the place almost like she was never there.

as soon as she left, you wiped away your fake tears. "what a performance am i right? i'll make a great movie star in the future." kaeya clenched his bedsheets closer to his body and looked at you like he's seen a ghost. "what the hell was that? what did you-" "i told you specifically not to bring anymore of your hookups to our shared dorm. this isn't just your space, kaeya." you crossed your arms and squinted your eyes. he huffed and fell back on his bed. "yeah but did you have to be so dramatic about it? now everyone's gonna think you're pregnant with my baby."

oh. you didn't even think about that. "that's a problem for later. right now i need you to seriously promise me no more hookups. i'm getting tired." kaeya propped himself on his elbows. he knows he was being unfair and totally disrespectful. it was your place too and he shouldn't keep up his antics. "okay. i promise. i swear this time. i'm sorry."

and so he really did keep his promise. in fact, his hookups in general became less and less prominent, until he stopped hooking up with people at all. why? well because he developed feelings for you. he never planned on it, but it kinda just happened.

he realized his feelings when you first brought a date over to your dorm. he didn't like the way you flirted with them and how you laughed at all of their jokes. they should be laughing at my jokes, he thought.

so after that, he began dropping hints that he liked you. of course you never picked up on them. kaeya being a flirt was a normal thing. so it only made sense for you to not pick up what he was putting down.

but kaeya was determined. he was determined to make you his. he just needed a little push.

[relenafanel]

Dicks (in every definition): a fake-relationship AU

Geralt/Jaskier

Find it on Ao3:  Dicks (in every definition) by relenafanel

FOR THE MODERN AU CHALLENGE. WEEK 1: Fake-Relationships

Tag: witcherauseptember

________

“I can’t believe anyone could be such an unmitigated puss-filled dick,” Essi said, staring at her phone in disbelief. Jaskier groaned and let his head thunk on the bar.

“I can.” His sticky forehead was the least disgusting part of the evening.  He'd just come out to forget his ex, and maybe celebrate being free a little (as fucked up as that was) and quite frankly felt attacked by his social media.

“If I believed it from anyone it would be that narcissist,” she conceded, biting on her lip.

“I know,” Jaskier agreed. “That’s the worst part. I feel like it’s my fault being blindsided by this, as though I should have known something was going to happen today.”

Essi snorted. “It’s not your fault your ex is the worst.”

“No, but I was with him for almost 3 years. I don’t know. That’s my fault.”

“Don’t be stupid,” she said. “Look at this desperate fucker. Do you actually think he’s winning? He might be in a new relationship but the look of this guy makes my vagina want to shrivel up and die.”

Jaskier took her phone from her and looked again. Yeah. Yikes. Valdo was definitely scraping the bottom of the barrel with that one. Jaskier hadn’t even tried to join any dating sites post-breakup, but he was pretty sure there were better options. It wasn’t even the guy’s looks so much as he just screamed skeevy douchebag. It was making Jaskier’s metaphorical vagina also want to die.

“You need to get drunk. Maybe laid.”

“No,” Jaskier said, an idea starting to form as he looked at the relationship status change. “No. I need to match pettiness with pettiness. I need to find someone so hot that I’d have trouble getting him - let alone Valdo with his sad, small dick - and make sure to post a picture on Facebook.”

“Would that make you feel better?”

Jaskier smiled with teeth. “I think it would.”

***

It was their third bar of the evening and Essi was definitely sick of the manhunt. She probably hadn’t realized that when Jaskier was judging men fully objectively and not looking for matching personalities (relationship goals) or a willing body (one night stand goals) he had incredibly discerning tastes.

Probably too discerning.

“How about him?” Essi asked, barely looking up from her phone. She gestured to a guy sitting at the bar trying to make eye contact with a woman across the room.

“Ehh,” Jaskier said. “Sweater vest.”

Essi rolled her eyes. “But cute.”

“I’m not looking for cute. I’m looking for eye-searing hot.”

“I’m having trouble remembering how you’ve ever been in any relationships with these unrealistic expectations.”

“Valdo thought I was hot.” Jaskier thought about that for a moment. “Did I stay with someone for three years out of flattery?”

“Probably. Fuck. Get therapy.”

“I am.”

“You’re going to be working on tonight for a while.”

Fucking true. “Oh god, we just saw Valdo’s taste in men. Tell me true… am I ugly.”

“You’re spiraling.”

“That’s not an answer!”

“You’re spiraling!”

“Yes,” Jaskier agreed, pulling at his hair. “I’m so aware.”

“Based on the guy in his status update I’m going to guess you’re the hottest guy he could get.”

“You’re a good friend.” Jaskier pressed his head against her shoulder.

Then, a table opened up across the room, revealing the man sitting on the other side of it. “Holy shit.”

Essi looked up. Then she looked up. “Wow.”

“I hope he’s into men,” Jaskier said. “Or at least willing to play along with pretending to be for long enough for you to get a picture.”

“You’re going to walk up to that?” Essi asked. “You have more balls than brains.”

That was probably true.

***

“Hi, I’m Jaskier,” he opened with, dropping into the seat across from the gorgeous man. Up close he was even more startlingly pretty, with a chin dimple that highlighted his strong jaw and drew attention to his mouth. “And my boyfriend broke up with me two months ago, only to post his new relationship on Facebook today. Our three year anniversary. It’s the dickest of moves, right?”

The man hummed in agreement, but otherwise didn’t stop frowning in Jaskier’s general direction. Like someone waiting for him to get to the point. Jaskier saw that frown often.

“The reason for the oversharing is that I just forced my best friend to follow me to three different bars to find someone so phenomenally hot for me to spend time with and get picture proof, and here you are. I’d do jazz hands but you don’t seem like someone who responds well to jazz hands.”

“What are jazz hands?”

Whoa.

What a voice. What a sexy, sexy voice. Jaskier knew what he was talking about. He was a connoisseur of voices.

Jaskier wiggled his fingers at him. Tada! “Jazz hands.”

“Huh.” The man took a drink of his beer. “You want to use me as a revenge plot?”

“Exactly. Can I buy you a drink?”

The man gestured to his mostly full beer. “I’m not drinking to get drunk tonight.”

That was only a no to the beer. “Nachos or some other foodstuff?”

The guy seemed possibly interested in food.  

“Fine,” he agreed.  

****

Facebook: Julian Alfred Pankratz is in a relationship with Geralt of Rivia.

“Who’s Julian Pankratz?” Geralt muttered, staring at his phone.

“What?” Jaskier groaned, coming out a shitty sleep to a few realizations:

He’d gone home with the hottest guy on earth, which he should be pleased about, AND WAS PLEASED ABOUT

He might throw up

He’d done something last night. Something he’d said “that’s up for tomorrow Jaskier to sort out” because his drunk self was apparently a fucking masochist, and now Jaskier wasn’t really sure what that was.

Only Geralt was still scowling at his phone and seemed to know his real name.

So.

“Fuck,” Jaskier groaned. His mouth tasted like nachos and the regret of doing shots too late in life. He was 28 years old, not dead, but his hangover didn’t seem to know that.  “We didn’t get married , did we?”

“...”

Jaskier risked the light filtering in through the edges of the blinds to look at Geralt. His hair was beyond mussed - Jaskier didn’t know hair could get that tangled overnight. He was still frowning at his phone.

“I’ve been calling you Jaskier.”

“I go by Jaskier,” he promised. He was too busy having his own crises to deal with Geralt’s! For fucksakes. “Now, back to the marriage thing??”

“No.”

Phew. That was probably on him. He wasn’t sure people could actually get fake married overnight. Legally. He’d seen a lot of movies, though.

Ok. Next problem.  “I might throw up.”

Geralt turned his head slowly to look at him. Yikes. Too much beautiful-man-face in his face for this early in the morning.

“It’s eleven,” Geralt told him in the dry tone that told Jaskier he’d said that all outloud.

“Eleven after getting to bed at what? Five? Eugh, boo. Do you have any food?”

***

Geralt did have food.

Well, Geralt had protein bars and electrolytes, which was basically the same thing. Jaskier could always fall on top of a burger on his way home if he had to.  He’d finally looked at his phone by the time he was halfway through his breakfast.

107 new notifications.

What the fuck?

Julian Alfred Pankratz is in a relationship with Geralt of Rivia

Geralt and I were going to wait until announcing this wasn’t an asshole move, but now that it doesn’t really matter, I just wanted everyone to know that I’m doing GREAT.

Attached to it was the picture of the two of them together that Essi had taken with the caption of “I wouldn’t feel too sorry for Jaskier tonight”

His drunk self had a lot to answer for. No wonder Geralt had been scowling at his phone.

“I can’t believe I went Facebook Official with someone I haven’t even had sex with yet,” Jaskier mourned. “What is it, 2007?”

***

It took Jaskier almost the full day to recover enough to actually look through his comments on Facebook. By the time he had, they’d almost doubled and he’d made the mistake of clicking into Instagram to find one of those quintessential happy-relationship-our-feet-are-cute-together bullshit pictures. He had a different following on Instagram, mostly using it for pictures of himself singing.

Yikes. Yikes. Yikes. This wasn’t a contained problem, if you could call their mutual friends and families on Facebook that had been gathering in the wings for 15 years a contained problem . Fucking Facebook. Jaskier friended people he’d met once. He had a database of acquaintances. It was great for - you know - being a musician looking for gigs. He’d done 15 weddings in the last year.

It was pretty shitty when he’d faked having a boyfriend so people wouldn’t feel bad for him.

But, as he read through the comments and realized that some of them weren’t for him, he realized that maybe he wasn’t the one with the biggest problem.

Jaskier: Did you just come out?

Jaskier: Are you EVEN INTO MEN?

Jaskier: I REMEMBER YOU THINKING THIS WAS FUNNY AND AGREEING TO IT

Jaskier: BUT

Jaskier: I REGRET COMMITTING TO CAPS SO SOON BECAUSE I MEAN THIS IN CAPS AND BOLDED

Jaskier: WHOEVER LAMBERT IS JUST CONGRATULATED YOU ON FINALLY GETTING DICKED DOWN BECAUSE IT MIGHT MAKE YOU LESS GRUMPY

Geralt: I see you’ve read the comments

Geralt: my brother

Jaskier: YOUR BROTHER?!

Geralt: bold and caps?

Jaskier: and italics what the fuck. Why’d you let me do this?

Jaskier: wait.

Jaskier: WAIT

Geralt: there it is

Jaskier: this was your idea

Jaskier: did you use me to tell everyone you know that you’re gay or bi or whatever you identify as?

Jaskier: what a brilliant opportunity last night was for both of us

Geralt: you went back to sleep and didn’t process any of this yet, didn’t you?

Jaskier had been seen with that, fuck. He made a face at his phone even though Geralt couldn't see it.

A few moments later a response to Lambert popped up from Geralt himself.

@Lambert who says I haven’t been getting dicked down this entire time you heteronormative asshole

Followed by someone named Yennefer posting a picture of a strap on.

Who were these people? Could you love someone based on how their friends reacted to their ill-advised fake-relationship status change? Asking for a friend.

Geralt: for context, that’s my ex-wife

Geralt: we’re ok

Geralt: especially when she’s helping me fuck with my brother

***

Jaskier was debating the merits of asking Geralt if he wanted to come up with a break-up plan or just date when another comment showed up.

Vesemir left a comment:

You’ll bring him to brunch tomorrow?

Geralt left a comment:

We’ll be there

Vesemir left a comment:

Leave the frightening device at home

Geralt left a comment:

He doesn’t need it

This was followed by a string of variations of LOL and OH SHITs from about 7 different people. Jaskier watched it all unfold feeling like he’d stepped into the middle of something he didn’t understand - yet. He was definitely in trouble, if the way his heart rate increased at Geralt’s he doesn’t need it was any indication. It wasn’t even the dick reference, though that was amazing. It was the snappy, quick response. The underlying sarcasm.

Jaskier had a type. He could end a fake relationship that was based on seeing a searing hot guy across a room, but it was a bit harder when the guy had a personality he liked. If Geralt turned out to have a heart of gold, Jaskier was screwed and would probably be proposing marriage by year’s end.

Yeah, we’ll be there , he commented.

Geralt: my dad

Geralt: thanks

Jaskier: no problem

Jaskier : gonna call

“So I’m thinking,” Jaskier said the moment Geralt’s face showed up on the video call. He was squinting at his phone like no one had ever tried to video call him before.

“Hi,” Geralt replied, looking amused.

“I’ve been debating the merits of planning a breakup for our fake relationship or just… dating? I’m thinking maybe we should date? Do you have input?”

“Dating’s fine.”

“But do you… are you even attracted to me? Would you pick me?”

Oh fuck, what was that?! Something new to bring up in therapy.

Geralt tilted his head.  “You don’t know this about me yet, but I’m capable of saying no. Overly capable, some of my family might tell you.”

“So you’re not saying no?”

“I’m pretty confident I said yes instead.”

***

“As Jaskier’s best friend and the only witness,” Essi said into the microphone, holding up a glass of champagne to salute the two of them. “Our happy couple gave me full permission to tell the story of what happened the night Geralt and Jaskier met. Like Jaskier himself, the story is partially an embarrassing tale of bad decisions, half-cocked plans, and a lot of heart.”

Jaskier grinned, and nudged his shoulder into Geralt’s.

“And,” Essi continued with glee, “dicks in every definition.”

[kbstories]

habits

(Or: Bakugou is a little shit and a dork. 1-A gets used to it.)

Read on: AO3 / Twitter

*

One lesser known truth about Bakugou Katsuki is that he's an unrepentant thief of snacks.

Class 1-A is blissfully unaware of this habit all the way up to their move to Heights Alliance. There, they not only share living space, but every meal of the day as well — a status quo that revealed many a peculiar fun fact about most classmates, really.

Bakugou's first victim by sheer proximity is Kirishima. They're hanging out outside after a weekend session at the gym, drinking their electrolytes and talking about the pros and cons of different brands of protein bars. Well, Kirishima is, at least.

Bakugou is huffing, saying, "It's all bullshit", as he gives the one Kirishima is currently eating the side-eye. "The food industry is one big scam, really. Learn to cook your own stuff and you won't need processed anything."

"Okay", goes Kirishima, long used to debating him on anything from hero rankings to the weather. "But consider this: I burn anything I cook. Anything, dude."

"That's factually impossible."

"...I burned water trying to make ramen once?"

"Shitty Hair. Water doesn’t— How the fuck?“

Kirishima laughs, waving the half-eaten protein bar around. "I don't know, but there was smoke, I swear! I set off the fire alarm and everything, my moms were so done. Life-long kitchen ban in my own home, that's me."

Bakugou groans a disgusted eugh sound. "Fucking understandable."

When it only makes Kirishima smile all the wider, Bakugou pushes at his shoulder, a shove too rough to count as affectionate by anyone's standards but Bakugou's.

"Fine. Normal people shouldn't eat protein bars. You shouldn't either, but you'd starve without 'em, apparently."

"Or, you could, y’know, cook for m—"

Another shove, enough to push a still-laughing Kirishima over. "Keep trying, dickhead. Pshh, cooking for you. In your dreams, maybe."

Kirishima hums and says nothing, his idle sip of sports drink interrupted by Bakugou pulling him to his feet.

"Who cares, c'mon. Don't think for a second I forgot about Thirteen's assignment."

A sputtering gasp from Kirishima. "Thirteen gave us an assignment?!“

"...Kirishima."

"Wait, no, listen. Why do physics have to, like, exist?", is Kirishima's brilliant argument. Nailed it.

Bakugou just stares. Then he snorts, "Fucking hell", shakes his head. "Whatever, I'm gonna make lunch and you're gonna do your damn homework. Maybe I'll let you have some. There's a faint chance. Very faint."

"Bro", Kirishima looks at him in wonder. "What about this, though?“

The glance Bakugou gives Kirishima's protein bar is downright offended if a little confused, too. "What about it?"

"Yeah, you're right. I'll just throw it awa—"

Bakugou moves so fast, all Kirishima sees is a blond blur.

Suddenly, the hand holding the snack is empty and Bakugou is chewing, having snatched the thing up with his teeth and devoured it like a beast from myths and legends.

"Problem solved, we're going. Huh, these don't even taste that shitty.“

Kirishima is too stunned to resist.

The Bakusquad is next in line when it comes to Bakugou's food-related crimes. Specifically, the croissant Kaminari is enthusiastically gesturing with to emphasize the point that yes, sneaking off campus for one (1) French pastry was definitely worth risking Aizawa's wrath over.

"It's perfectly baked. Look at its impeccable shape", Kaminari holds it up to his circle of friends like its his first-born child, "and the crust! It's so fluffy. I've been craving one all freaking week. This is gonna be so—"

Chomp.

Before Kirishima can even attempt to stop the tragedy waiting to happen, Bakugou has wandered back from his room, a stack of books under one arm and Kaminari's prized croissant in his mouth. The books are slammed on the table.

"Less talking, more studying", Bakugou snarks, somehow without getting crumbs of the stolen treat on anything. "Where'd ya get this from, anyway? S'good."

Kaminari’s jaw is on the floor, shell-shocked. "My… My croissant..."

"Sorry, bro", Kirishima sighs and pats his back. "He's just too damn quick."

The words are said with a look towards Bakugou, the that-wasn't-nice-man kind. Bakugou wrinkles his nose at him. (The very next day, an identical croissant shows up on Kaminari's plate during lunch break.)

Weeks fly by. By then, most of 1-A has been caught unawares by Bakugou's sneaky ways exactly once. They're training to be Heroes, after all — there's no way he'd get the drop on them again, at least not as easily.

Bakugou seems to be aware of this.

It doesn't stop him from snatching away Tokoyami's apple during movie night, smirking at both him and Dark Shadow with near-obnoxious levels of smugness. Tokoyami stares him dead in the eye while he grabs another one, one feathery brow raised in challenge.

Aoyama's handpicked brie is next, the guy's offended swearing almost as colorful as Bakugou's on his worst days. Bakugou outright cackles at that, obviously delighted by the prospect of someone else being subjected to Iida's no-cursing lecture for once, foreign language or no.

Speaking of Iida: It's his unopened cup of chocolate pudding Bakugou is eyeing like a cat does an especially oblivious mouse.

"Dooon't", Kirishima warns, hand hardened and ready to make a grab if needed. "I swear to Crimson Riot. Let the poor man have his pudding, or else."

"What has Iida even done to you, bro?", adds Kaminari, sliding his food tray into his usual spot across from them. "Like, I get it, I've pranked you enough times to owe you twenty croissants. And you're carrying Kirishima's entire academic career, so targeting him is valid, too."

"Hey! ...That's fair, actually. Carry on."

Kaminari winks at him. It's not like it's any different for him. "Iida, however, is wholesome, and—"

"Guys, you're making a great point and all that“, Ashido contributes over her bowl of natto. "But he's already gone."

Kirishima's head whips around. Indeed: No Bakugou. "No!"

"How is he this stealthy?!" Kaminari whines. "Bakugou, of all people!"

A few tables over, Iida is currently mid-story and too wrapped up in telling his audience of Momo, Todoroki, Uraraka and Midoriya about his adventures of googling what Aoyama had yelled out in sparkly rage the day before to notice a certain someone approaching.

Bakugou smiles, certain of his victory. Pretending to walk past them, he takes one hand out of his pockets and reaches out—

Only for his arm to be slammed to the table with a loud bang, mere inches from the desired snack.

"Kacchan", Midoriya pipes up casually, eyes still on Iida who — like everyone else at the table — jumped half a foot in the air from the sudden movement. "That's not yours."

Every member of 1-A is blatantly watching as Bakugou, food thief extraordinaire, is stopped in his tracks for the first time since his reign of terror began.

A collective breath is held. Surely, this will lead straight into a showdown of epic proportions in the middle of U.A.'s cafeteria. After all, any interaction between Midoriya and Bakugou tends to end in a shouting match, chaos or even bloodshed. And Bakugou does look intense, glowering at Midoriya as the muscles in his pinned arm bunch up and his palm starts to glow.

Then, he goes tch and rolls his eyes, grumbling: "Let go, Shitty Nerd. Figures you'd be the only one paying fucking attention."

Midoriya smiles and does as asked, pushing his own pudding cup closer to Bakugou right away. A blatant offer that's equally as blatantly ignored, as expected.

The actual food was never the point, after all.

Bakugou huffs off, lips upturned in somewhat of a smile of his own. Not that he'd ever admit to it as he rejoins his own friends, snapping at them to close their mouths and finish their lunch already.

Read on: AO3 / Twitter

[galacticnova3]

sorry but what do you mean by good faith headcanoning? /gen (i agree w/ you and you don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to, i’m just curious)

Oh I’m fine answering stuff like this! Helps me get my points across easier if people actually know what I’m talking about after all. Apologies in advance this got very long because I’m tired and can’t write short explanations when tired.

In a nutshell, it means not making some incredibly complicated headcanon that “explains” how x thing that clearly applies doesn’t actually apply. I just call it good faith headcanoning because it’s headcanon that doesn’t stem from much, if any canon basis, but that also isn’t used to excuse or push harmful or super unrealistic interpretations. An example of a good faith headcanon would be that Meta Knight is blind and his mask is what lets him see. There’s nothing that suggests or supports this in canon, and considering he still flies off even without his mask, it can be assumed it’s not actually required for vision. But saying that you headcanon he’s blind ultimately doesn’t do any harm, and just as importantly, doesn’t deny important established information.

As an example of a bad faith headcanon… Ok, this is gonna be silly, but I’m kinda brain’t right now. Say someone decided they don’t like the fact that Kirby loves strawberry shortcake for whatever reason, and said that they headcanon that Kirby LOATHES strawberry shortcake. In response to people pointing out that Kirby’s love of strawberry shortcake played a major roll in Squeak Squad, and has been depicted in other situations as well, they decide to say they headcanon that Kirby actually DOESN’T like it, but had to eat it for a challenge. Or they headcanon he was being “influenced” by something to make him want to eat the shortcake, as well as in every other instances of it being eaten.

The problem is that while this sort of thing technically DOES work as an explanation, it’s not a “fair” or reasonable one. No matter how much people point out that it contradicts something that’s been established, the person can always just point to their complicated workaround and say that “you can’t police my headcanons that’s mean!” In essence it’s basically the same issue teachers/professors have with you doing an opinion or argument-centric paper on something that can’t be disagreed with or argued against; at that point you’re not addressing the information, you’re just dodging the issue.

Yes, it’s true that people are allowed to headcanon what they want and that policing it(when it isn’t harmful/disgusting) is a shitty thing to do. I agree with that entirely. I’m also not against a bit of tip-toeing around in the vague parts of canon, and in fact that’s probably how the majority of my headcanons came about. However, in my opinion, there’s a point where it becomes a bit too much, where it’s really clear it’s all just an excuse to ignore important and well-established information about a character. Ignoring canon is fine until ignoring it fundamentally changes aspects of everything connected to it, in a way that no longer resembles the actual media.

The simple solution is to just call it an AU and then go from there, instead of making excuses for why X is like Z, when in the series X is shown to be like Y. In that case, so long as the impacts of changing that aspect are shown, and again, it’s not just an excuse to make abhorrent content, there’s no problem.

In reference to how this came about, the “bad faith” headcanons I was talking about would be the ones that basically say “Marx wasn’t actually a bad guy”, “Marx wasn’t being selfish”, “What Marx did wasn’t manipulative”, etc. as a means to justify Marx not experiencing consequences. Doing that essentially removes the basic core aspects of Marx’s character. Milky Way Wishes’ entire plot revolves around the simple fact that Marx is manipulative and a liar. He basically admits it himself when he says he got the sun and the moon to fight, got Kirby to summon Nova, and then brags about that whole thing going according to plan.

While it’s not out of the question to give him a motivation besides wanting to rule, like I did with Magolor in my headcanon, that motivation shouldn’t/can’t be used to undermine or otherwise excuse his actions. It doesn’t matter if he wanted to take over in order to improve Popstar or whatever(which he didn’t, because he gets excited about being able to cause all the mischief he wants, by the way). At the end of the day, he still probably caused major problems when the sun and moon started fighting, lied to and later attempted to kill Kirby(indirectly through exposure, then directly by fighting him), and ultimately got Nova destroyed. If the headcanon solely exists to say “but it’s ok and doesn’t matter anymore”, whether to woobify him into just a naughty widdle clown boy or (eugh) ship him with Someone, I can’t see a plausible way that it is in good faith and not just a tailored excuse to deny his wrongdoings in canon.

Now, this might seem like there’s an unfair line, because obviously not every unrealistic headcanon is in bad faith, but imo it can be figured out pretty simply. Generally, it can safely be assumed to be bad faith if multiple of the following things apply, within reason:

-It’s ignoring core information that, when changed, changes something completely in ways beyond just what’s being changed (ex. If you say Marx was actually possessed and that’s why he did MWW rather than being power hungry, there’s going to be more affected than just everyone going “oh it’s not his fault, ok” and then doing nothing)

-It’s changing so much information to make sense that, in justifying the one headcanon, many other things no longer line up or make sense, but go unaddressed (ex. Saying Meta Knight wasn’t bad in Revenge of Meta Knight because he wanted to take over Dreamland because there was actually some kind of great evil that he needed control to destroy, and that saying it’s because he wanted to end the lazy lifestyle was just a coverup to not cause mass panic)

-The headcanon attempts to justify an act that can’t be honestly justified or made ok in the canon circumstances (ex. Saying Sectonia actually wanted to rule Floralia and take over Popstar for good reasons that Kirby couldn’t see, like trying to unite them into a safer whole, or trying to justify Hyness’ mistreatment of Zan Partizanne by saying she’s actually the bad one)

-It is used in a manner that basically attempts to “victimize” the creator or “villainize” people who disagree if discrepancies in their headcanon are pointed out (ex. The creator “headcanons” Dedede is actually totally evil in order to write characters hating him, and acts like they’re being bullied when people correctly point out the positive relationships Dedede has with the main cast, as well as his role in aiding the side of good in games like Return to Dreamland, Triple Deluxe, and Star Allies.

-It is otherwise an unsupported, implausible headcanon being used to excuse gross and/or malicious content (ex. Headcanon excuses for shipping gross pairings, like MetaSusie or p*do/*nc*st ships)

While these criteria technically mean my shortcake example doesn’t count, I think there’s also always going to be a bit of case by case judgement with this sort of thing. Another important note, a bad faith headcanon isn’t necessarily bad conceptually; in most cases the issues can be solved by just making it an au with the appropriate changes, as that removes the issue of “how much canon can a headcanon ignore before it’s basically just an au?” As an example, “Au where Marx wasn’t a bad guy” is very different from “Marx wasn’t a bad guy”, while still allowing the same concept to be explored.

[fizzysquish]

I'd really like to hear about your opinion on the ahit fandom if youre ok with sharing? love your writing by the way!!

Oh wow I actually didn't expect anyone to wanna know yifhfkhck

And thank you!

Alright this is.. Gonna be long and most likely have some spelling errors every now and then but bear with me.

Tw- talk of pedophilia, swear words

Tldr at the very bottom

The ahit fandom..

...sucks

But also doesnt? Its kind of hard to explain. In general, if you just glance at the fandom it will either come across as pure or as a shit show. This fandom has some serious problems.

This fandom has a lot of drama happy people in it. Im not going to name names or anything, cause there's no point, but it does. A single scroll through the tags will tell you that much. And this isnt me saying 'people can't have opinions' or what have you. What im saying is that there are people in this fandom who live just to stir up drama and make others angry.

Or, in a lot of cases, instead of just saying a persons opinion, they'll swear up a storm and say they hate certain people or call certain types of fans 'the problem with the fandom' and like.. That just makes you sound like an asshole honestly. And it hurts people, too.

(And nobody can tell me it doesn't. Ive had to reassure too many venting and upset friends because of it. It hurts people.)

Also, because you know I have to mention this and it fits perfectly after this first paragraph- subcon. Snatcher.

I legitimately do not understand why some people hate snatcher so much. And I also cannot understand why some people will specifically target snatcher fans at times.

Snatcher is a big comfort character for a lot of people. Wether its for personal reasons (ex- mine is because of my own past dealing with abuse and trauma), or if its just because they make someone happy.

Snatcher is a comfort character, and the whole story surrounding subcon is so so interesting and fun to explore? And so what if people enjoy it? I can understand that it can get frustrating seeing so much of it, especially if you like something else, but that is no reason to target snatcher fans (or.. Any fans in general) and/or make people feel bad for having fun.

Fuck, thats how you make people leave the fandom entirely. I understand it can get frustrating, but just.. Try to be nicer? Try not to make people feel bad for having fun? Please?

And before anyone tells me "it's not about that!", i want to point out that I often see posts like "don't let the snatcher fans see this-" and other things along that.

If you want me to believe its not about that, prove it. Cause as far as i can tell, it certainly is.

(Also as a note- who cares is someones thirsty??? Like

Just block them and avoid if it bugs you so much?? It's not that hard dude)

-THIS PARAGRAPH MENTIONS PEDOPHILLIA, SKIP IF NEEDED-

Another serious thing to mention is the pedophilia in this fandom. Feel free to skip this part  if it makes you uncomfortable, but its something i need to talk about.

There are pedophiles in this fandom. Ive seen the art and the fics (no matter how many times i scrub my eyes, because its disgusting and horrible and just- eugh-). There are pedophiles here and its easy to come across them because they just.. Aren't afraid to post in main tags. People follow them. People support them. Granted, not everyone, and generally most people know to avoid em, but they're still there. They havent been kicked out or ostracized. And it disgusts me.

I know this whole paragraph could be argued that "that doesn't represent the fandom!" Or whatever but.. This is a younger audiences welcome game guys. Its advertised as 'the cutest 3d platformer!'. Kids can and do play this game.

There is pedophilia in this fandom, and i feel its important to mention.

-END OF PARAGRAPH-

Also, some people in this fandom just.. Suck. Plain and simple. Some people in this fandom are just genuine assholes. And said asshole just like harassing others and causing problems. There's a literal shit ton of drama and problems with this fandom, and honestly it's.. So dumb??

This is literally just a video game and people are just having fun. If there's a problem, treat it like a grown up and either ask the causes to stop and why, or block and move on. Simple.

Now lets move onto the good parts of this fandom, yeah?

First of all- there are some serious sweethearts and amazing people in this fandom. While there are some that suck, there are more that are actually just here for a good time and to make good content.

Ive met some of the nicest people ivs ever known thanks go this fandom. Ive created friends who I seriously consider family. And most people ive talked with or even just ran across have been pretty cool.

This fandom is also generally very welcoming to new people (minus the assholes), ive noticed. Some people get into it really easily just because eveyones generally friendly and supportive. Which is always great!

Also, the fanworks people in this fandom create. Can i just talk about how fucking talented people are??? Its pretty amazing to see how people create things for this fandom.

People will take the story that gears for breakfast showed and they'll run with it, and create these amazing au’s and stories and 'what ifs' from it. Its just.. So amazing to watch people use what we've been given just weaved it into something.

(And this isnt even going over the mods and the stories those create, which always amaze me.)

So with all that laid out, do i think the fandom good or bad?

...i think its both.

The fandom itself has some serious problems in it. It gets unnecessary drama nearly every other month or so for no reason. There are some truly disgusting people and some absolute assholes, but the majority of people are actually pleasant, fun to be around, and welcoming. As long as you be careful of who you follow and use critical thinking skills, its not so bad.

Im not going to lie to someone and say it's all honkey dory. In this fandom, you will inevitably interact with either a creep, an asshole, or both at some point. There is a likely chance that you will have your feelings hurt in some way in this fandom. Ive see it, ive heard about it, ive experienced it.

All that being said, if you curate your viewing, follow people that seem/are cool, and use the block feature (don't. Debate it, if youre unsure about someone just block em)... Its a very fun fandom filled with both heartfelt creations and memes, and has plenty of potential new friends.

So its both good and bad, yeah.

Tldr-

Fandom has lotsa issues but overall is fun, just make sure curate your experience for yourself and dont let what drama pops up or what assholes say get to you.

[happyhollow-mellowmarsh]

S.H.R.E.C.

“Hello and welcome to Sharing How Related Elements Contrast, or S.H.R.E.C., for short. My name is Eleanor Eglantine Ambrose II, the author of the… Controversial book Forbidden Temptations: I Can Eat This But You Can Not as well as one of the apprentice of the Grand Witch Treat. Today I’ll be joined by two of my fellow apprentices as we go over the way that different magical elements contrast, interact, and change based on their relationships with one another.”

A short pink haired girl with elven ears stands in what looks to be a kitchen, the type used for a professional cooking show. How she and her companions got the rights to film here is a mystery. Grey eyes flick to the two men accompanying her, and she gestures at them, clearly unaware the camera is going to pick this up. One of the men, the one with white highlights and scars all over him, simply stares back at her, clearly confused as to what the hell he’s supposed to do here.

Elle nudges the scarred man with her elbow, aggressive whispers, “Introduce yourself!” She knows this is getting picked up by the mic, right?

He hisses a bit at the nudge before slowly turning to the camera. He seems a little...shy. “I’m...RJ Mendoza. Another one of Treat’s apprentices. Mm.” Doesn’t seem like the talkative type, either.

The other man, on the other hand, is all smiles and appears to be more than comfortable in front of the camera.

“And my name is Maui Nguyen, also one of Treat’s apprentices. It’s so great to be with you all today!” He says with an enthusiastic wave at the camera. “Especially you Elle, thank you for lettin’ us join you,” he says, gesturing towards Eleanor. “I can’t wait to see what you got in store for us!”

“It is no problem Mr. Nguyen.” No thanks for RJ though. Elle moves off camera briefly to bring two… Interesting smoothies. Given they each have a tide pod floating on the top of them, they are clearly deadly.

“Today,” she continues. “We are going to be testing different ways to negate poison using magic. Poison is my primary specialty, and as a result I have studied a variety of ways to use it and negate its effects. Mr. Mendoza also has magic that can negate poison.” 

RJ nods, but there’s a short pause before he realizes that he should probably say something. “My primary element is Salt.” He then pulls out a salt shaker from his pockets. “This is just regular table salt, but I can use it with my magic to make poison stuff edible.”

Maui oos exaggeratedly as if this was his first time hearing their elements, picking up a tide pod from his “smoothie,” showing it off for the camera to see. “Edible you say? Even this?” He says, waving the tide pod in front of them, clearly trying to put on a good show for the audience.

Elle clapped her hands. “Oh yes! With my magic, and Mr. Mendoza’s I suppose, you could definitely consume a Tide Laundry Capsule! I have heard that this was a fascination for youths online for a considerable amount of time. I thought it would help us get wider appeal.” She remembers she’s still on camera, right?

After a brief pause, she turns back to the camera. “Ah, yes. Mr. Nguyen is not immune to poison, and as a result, he will be our test subject for this endeavour. You, of course, consent to this, correct? You need to say it for legal reasons.”

Maui, with a flashy smile, nods his head and gives them all a big thumbs up. “Absolutely! With you two magic masters, what can go wrong?!”

“Excellent! Mr. Mendoza, will you start us off?”

RJ nods and simply sprinkles a generous pinch of salt into one of the smoothies. “Should be good now.”

Maui claps his hands in performative amazement, before taking the cup and sloshing it around. “Still lookin’ pretty thick. Anyone have a guess at what this’ll taste like?” He asks the audience, before giving another cheeky smile. Someone is having fun. “Well, bottoms up!”

Without wincing at all, Maui begins to chug, taking huge heaping gulps, and in no time at all shows off his empty cup to the camera. It was only then did the man shudder slightly. “Eu-eugh, salty…”

“And, he suffers no ill effects- Oh, wait, I meant to show how deadly… Maui, can we edit this to go before the drinking?” Who does Elle think is editing this? Either way, she runs off screen and grabs a potted plant, pouring a bit of the remaining drink in. It immediately starts wilting.

“I customized the poison so it would be far more potent than the average one,” the girl explains, far too cheerful about something that could have killed her test subject if the magic failed. “Now, Mr. Nguyen, to test the second glass, I’ll be siphoning the poison out of you before it causes you any harm. Would you prefer I hold your hand, or do you want more contact. The more contact, the easier it is.”

“Uhhhh-” Maui stutters, momentarily disarmed before realizing he was still on camera. With cheeks steadily getting rosier by the second, he flashes another smile and sticks out his hand. “Sure, why the hell not?! … Bu-But just in case, how much skin contact do you need for -uh- ease? Do I gotta take off my shirt er somethin’?”

“No, I think that would get us demonetized… Just let me hold your arm. Like this.” The pink haired girl wrapped both her arms around Maui’s right arm, binding it in place for the time being. “I should easily be able to pull out any poison before it becomes a problem.”

Maui flushes quite a bit as Elle suddenly wraps herself around his arm, his on camera persona breaking for an instant. “U-Uhh- Yea, this is nice. Suure doesn’t feel like anythin’ is happenin’ right now though…”

“You need to consume the poison before I can really do anything.”

You can’t help but notice RJ sighing and shaking his head in the background.

“Ha-Hah, right…” Not wasting another second, Maui swipes up the second glass and chugs it all down once more, his face squinching slightly at the soapy taste. Elle squeezes his arm tightly, clearly focusing on filtering everything out. She made this really deadly and didn’t want to kill him.

Killing someone accidentally with a super poison again would be horrible.

“Are you doing alright?” Elle asked, after she finished dealing with the poison.

“Hmmm, other than feelin’ a little warm I think I’m doin’ jus’ fine. Maybe I shoulda drank even more-! Hey RJ, grab me another cup will ya?” He jokes, laughing. 

It seemed Maui might have said the wrong words here, because Elle absolutely preened at that. “I suppose that means you find my method of poison extraction to be superior to Mr Mendoza’s salt bath. Of course. Salt is impressive in some ways, but Poison is by far the superior element.”

RJ glares at Elle, disgust and annoyance evident in his face. “Yeah, sure, whatever. Rather hear it from Maui then from you putting words in his mouth.”

“He all but said it already!” the girl huffs. She unwraps herself from Maui’s arm dramatically while looking directly at RJ. “See, I’m not influencing him. I have no doubt as to his answer.”

Uh oh. Wrong words said indeed, this was NOT how Maui envisioned his joke to land. Now with both of his friends looking towards him for an answer to an impossible situation… there was only one thing left to do…

“Whoaa guys- guys,” Maui says raising his hands in hopes of pacifying the building tension, “This is… This is all jus’ fun ‘nd games, yenno? A-Actually- That reminds me!”

Without skipping another beat, Maui flees offstage, still blabbering as he does.

“I actually got you guys some gifts while I was travellin’ around that I’ve been meanin’ to give- OH FU-“

Suddenly, a crash. The camera topples onto the floor, the last thing the audience sees and hears is a big meaty brown man cursing and apologizing at the same time before the broadcast abruptly ends.

Happy Hollow: Mellow Marsh is a tumblr submission trials game with Discord ooc and a Discord thread server, and the sequel game to Happy Hollow. This game is 18+ with the exception of returning players. We will be accepting a cast of 16-18 people including mod ocs, and characters should be aged 16-24. The events of the previous game are not public knowledge to characters, so catching up on the last game is not necessary!

Apps close on April 12th, one week away! A three day extension is available upon dm request.

About || How to play || Application || FAQ || Hopefuls || Hopefuls chat

[argyleandjonathansmokingajoint]

In the Warmth of Your Smile

Pairing: Byeler/Byler

Words: 2441

Summary: Will’s had a pretty bad night. Scratch that, pretty bad year. Mike can’t rewind time, but he can be here.

Warning: None, they’re kids and they have their first kiss though? (Well, Mike’s second, sorry.)

Author’s Note: Thanks for reading this! I just have a lot of thoughts about that Halloween night. Can you believe I didn’t mention “Crazy together” once? I hope the feeling is invoked, though. You can also find this and all my other Byeler fics on my AO3 here!

They’re sitting shoulder to shoulder with legs pressed in close in Mike’s basement. It must be getting pretty late now. The fear’s still sitting in Will’s stomach like a lump, but it’s settled now thanks to Mike and his comforting words. His reassurances are still floating about in Will’s head when Mike says something and he has to turn to him to try to catch it.

“Huh?”

Mike scoffs lightly at his friend. “I said you really should have told me about that girl-”

“Max.”

“Yeah, whatever. you should have told me she was coming with us tonight, that you were inviting her.”

“You’re still upset over that? Come on, Mike.”

“What? Because of her-” he cuts himself off and lowers his voice again. “If I wasn’t so focused on all that, I would’ve been with you the whole time.” his chin is jutting out and Will’s worried he might cry, but instead he just curls his fists up, pulling on the pants of his Ghostbusters suit.

“Hey, it’s nobody’s fault. And don’t blame Max. ‘Sides you never asked about your friend, El being in the party. Just decided." he says it matter of factually as he swipes a bite-size snickers from the table and unwraps it. He tries to avoid conversations about her usually, especially if Mike’s the one talking about her, but he can’t help the comment that rolls off his tongue.

“What?” Mike has all of a second to feel offended before he looks at Will’s face. That’s right, now isn’t about him and besides, Will’s right anyway. He always seems to be right. He wishes he knew what Will was thinking though.

“Nothing. I just d- Look, it doesn’t matter anyway, okay?” Will sticks the whole snickers in his mouth and bites down. Hard. It gives him something else to focus on, other than the thoughts running through his mind.

“Sheesh, you won’t even have a conversation with me? Fine! I don’t get what the problem is anyway? It’s not like she’s done anything to you! She even helped save you!” During Mikes little tirade, Will finishes his mini up, but was now looking to the ground, visibly shaking.

He turns towards his friend within the second Mike was done talking and lets loose on him. “Jeez, I just don’t like her, okay?! Not everybody has to like everybody and I don’t! You don’t like Max? Well I don’t like this El you-you keep talking about! God, you can’t just shut up about her! I- I mean I get it, you care but guess what? I’m right here, Mike!” There are tears in Will’s sullen eyes now, but he keeps going, voice softer this time. “I came back. She left. You’re always here for me, but it’s like you’re not at the same time and I hate it.” The words are practically growled as they make their way out of Will’s angry throat.

Mike looks at Will, his best friend since they were five, as if he’s been stricken. It hurts, to hear all the thoughts and feelings that have been built up inside his small friend this whole time he’s been back home. He thought it’d been him and Will against the rest of the world, but it turns out he’d been part of what was hurting him most.

He blinks and feels something running down his cheeks. Huh? How long has he been crying? “I-I’m sorry. Will, I-” He looks down at his lap, then back up at the boy in front of him. Tears escape his eyes too and Mike wants to hold his hand or hug him, to comfort and be comforted, but he’s afraid he’s lost those privileges now, so he settles for just looking at his sad face, sure that he’s never felt so crushed in his life, excluding the time he saw “Will’s” body being pulled from the quarry.

“Will, I didn’t know you felt like that. I thought we told each other everything.” Will’s sharp look makes Mike flinch and inhale a breath.

“Yeah, so did I. But I guess not anymore.” When Mike looks at him questioningly, Will sighs. “You and El sure got pretty close while I was- gone.”

Mike is stunned for a second. He racks his brain and then it clicks. No, no way. “Will, it’s not like that! I- We weren't -!” He clumsily scrambles closer to Will on the couch and clutches both of his hands in his own. “I promise it wasn’t like that. Not for me, definitely! You know I-” The words don’t quite make it out of his lips, but the answering blush to both of their faces is enough tell them both the truth.

“But, then why did you act so uh, you know?” Will looks to the side.

Mike bumps his shoulder, still holding his hands and makes sure to look into his eyes as he says the next words.

“I lost a friend. I guess I started to care about her.” At Will’s hurt expression, Mike quickly corrects his phrasing. “As a friend though, a friend only! Besides, she doesn’t even know basic stuff. I think it would be, like, taking advantage of her.” Mike makes a face. He remembers Nancy overhearing Nancy talk on the phone to Barb about that. His dad was never gonna tell him, so he’s lucky to have learned it somewhere when he did. He still feels guilty for that kiss, knowing what he knows.

“Mike?” Said boy looks at Will and his heart almost stops. There are dried tears on his face and a question in his eyes still.

“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere but here, anyway.” He says softly, pulling Will closer and wrapping his arms around him tentatively. Will seems to accept this, so Mike leans his head on Will’s shoulder and then, with the silence of the house around them, he just breathes him in.

Will sits there, still and breathing shallowly. He’s too nervous to do anything, not wanting to make a mistake and have Mike move away.

It’s maybe thirty seconds before Mike chuckles and burrows closer to Will, gently stroking his back with a single finger. “I’m not made of glass, you know?”

Will seems to calm when he hears that and relaxes instantly. “S-sorry. Nervous.”

“Me too.” If Will could see the expression on Mike’s face as he say those words, he’d see the hopelessly lovesick look he wears.

Will, wearing his own lovelorn look, places his head atop of Mikes and his arms come around Mike in a hug-like fashion, then stay there.

It’s quiet inside Mike’s home. The only sound the boys can hear are their breathing and the muffled television upstairs. Will can feel Mike’s heartbeat against his side and he wonders if Mike can feel his. It’s a nice thought and it makes his heart feel all fluttery inside. There’s so much he’s yet to tell Mike, that he must know now but Will wants him to hear it too. He wants to-

“Can I kiss you?”

“I- Wha-?” Mike’s head shoots up and he stares wide and owlishly at Will.

“Um, a kiss?” Will’s losing his nerve, but he looks into Mike’s eyes and Mike doesn’t look disgusted. He looks amazed, like he’s surprised that Will would actually want to kiss him of all people.

“Y-yeah!” Mike catches himself and then says, calmer, “I mean, sure, okay.” But his eyes are still eager and Will can’t help but grin, even as his cheeks turn a dewy pink. It’s okay, Mike’s are the same color.

“I’ve never done this before.” Will confesses. It’s kind of daunting.

“I’ve never done this with someone that matters.” Mike whispers back as his face comes closer to Will’s own.

It makes Will’s heart hammer even faster. He feels almost like a grown adult and at the same time like he’s five years old again, meeting his best friend for the first time on those swings. His eyes are cracked open just the slightest bit ‘cause he figures you gotta be able to see which direction you’re going in, right? He thinks Mike probably looks beautiful this close up because he looks beautiful all the time, but he can’t see to well with his eyes squinted half open and half shut so he’ll half to check another time. Another time, wow.

His internal monologue seems to die as Mike’s lips graze his own, his eyes slipping shut fully and of their own accord. After five seconds it’s over but then Mike’s coming back in again. And again. And again. He doesn’t really know what he’s doing and Mike doesn’t seem to either, so he just tries to emulate what he’s seen in movies and from TV. It seems to be working, Mike and him pressing their lips together and rubbing them around slightly. It feels nice, at least. He’s grabbed onto the back of Mike’s suit sometime during their kissing and Mike’s bunched up the front of his in his hands.

They’re still softly kissing when the door to the basement opens and the clicking of heels starts down the steps.

“Shit.” Mike curses. They jump away from each other as quickly as they can, almost as if just burned.

“Boys!” Mrs. Wheeler rounds the corner and peeks her head down. She looks at them suspiciously for a few seconds then shakes her head fondly. “Boys, sort out your candy now! Will, your brother’s here to pick you up, sweetie.” She smiles, turning and heading back up the stairs.

“Yes ma’am!”

“Okay, mom!”

Mike looked put out as Will and he starts sorting through the candy and chocolate.

“Eugh, raisins.” Mike’s face scrunches up and he’s about to throw them in the trash can, but Will stops him.

“Wait, I’ll take them.”

“But you don’t like raisins either.”

“No, mom does.”

Mike’s eyebrows go up at that. “Dude, I’m seriously questioning your mom right now.”

Will just shrugs and smiles. “She eats them on her oatmeal.”

“Wow.”

When nothing else is said Will looked at Mike questioningly, still going through the candy pile. “Huh? What’s wrong?”

“It’s true.”

More silence.

“Mike, come on. What’s true?”

“You really are too good! How is this possible? That I could meet someone like you and you would think I’m worth anything is beyond me.” Mike’s tone is joking, but Will leans over and pecks his cheek anyway.

“Don’t you know how important you are, Mike? To the party? To me?” He leans in and just when Mike thinks for sure, they’re going to kiss again he smiles and pushes him back.

“Here.” In Will’s hand is a Baby Ruth. Mike looked at him questioningly.

“I dont-?” He wasn’t sure what was up.

“Kiss.” Oh. Oh, okay. Well, if it was an exchange Will wanted than he’d be happy to oblige.

“O-okay, yeah!” Wow, calm down, Mike.

Will just laughs slightly in return. Then, they’re coming closer and closer, but the sudden sound of footsteps on the wooden steps stop them in their tracks. They didn’t even hear the door open this time. Was it never shut? They can’t remember. Mike and Will back up until they’re at a safe distance from each other, then Will picks up his candy-filled bag.

Perfect timing, as Jonathan rounds the corner just then. His eyes are tired but his lips curve into a smile when he sees Will. He waves and nods his head at Mike too.

“Hey guys, you hit a lot of houses?”

They look at each other and remember the events that had taken place earlier. “Uh, it was pretty good. We decided to come back early though and just watch some Halloween movies.” Mike covers for Will.

“Oh, yeah? Not too scary?” Jonathan’s concern is palpable an honestly, Mike gets it.

“Uh, n-no. Funny ones mostly.” He’s blanking, shit, he’s blanking.

“Um, E.T and So-something Wicked This Way Comes?”

“Right. You guys okay? You’re kinda jumpy.”

Oh no. It’s all over. He knows and he’s gonna tell they’re mom, then Mrs. Wheeler’s gonna find out, oh God, Ted-

“Did you guys actually watch a scary movie? ‘Cause I won’t be mad. Will, I know you love them, an-”

Will sighs and looks over at Mike, who gives him a smile and a quick wink.

“Okay, yeah. We watched Cujo. It was really scary and ya know, we’ll probably both have nightmares now.” He looks back to Mike, who nods along.

“Okaaayy.” Jonathan draws the word out, still not sounding convinced, but whatever secrets they’re holding, it doesn’t seem they’re ready to give it up quite yet.

Will turns back to Mike and walks over to him. “Here.” He looks down and in Will’s hand is the Baby Ruth from earlier.

“But-” He looks at Jonathan standing on the foot of the steps and then back at Will. “Our deal.” He maybe puts too much emphasis on the words, but that’s neither here nor there.

Will grins. “It’s okay. You’ll make it up to me, won’t you Wheeler?”

It nearly short circuits Mike’s brain, but he manages to hug back when Will goes in for a hug.

“I’ll call you later on the walkie.” He promises.

“‘Kay.” Then Will’s out of Mike’s arm’s and moving up the stairs, shouting a ‘see ya’ behind him.

“Bye!” Mike yells back, then he plants himself on the couch with a doofy grin on his face.

~

"Hey, buddy?" Jonathan looks puzzled as he and Will make their way out to the car, having already said by to Mike's mom.

"Yeah?"

"You guys drink some Kool-aid or something? Have some kind of red candy?"

Jonathan can swear he sees Will's soul leave his body the moment he say it, the sheer terror on his face is enough to read and he feels like a fool. It doesn't take a genius to round up all the clues and know what they mean.

"Yeah! We had.. Skittles! It was skittles!" Will hurries through an answer and though it's hardly believable, Jonathan lets it go.

"Well, congrats." He ruffles Will's hair and the boy looks unsure.

"For what? Eating skittles?" He's incredulous.

"Uh, yeah. I haven't had any, but I hear they're pretty good." He says as they buckle their seat-belts and Jonathan starts the car.

That changes Will's mood instantly and he smiles. "Oh, I still have tons! You can have some of mine!"

"Oh. Thanks, bud."

Jonathan turns up the music on the radio, a song about someone who's in love, their heart is breaking, and for the first time Will can't relate to it.

[omnifalls-10]

Omni Falls Chapter 3: Headhunters

It’s been rather quiet at the Mystery Shack today. That doesn’t seem much of a problem  for Dipper and Mabel, who were in the living room watching a show on television called Duck-tective. While watching the television program, Mabel knits a new sweater and Dipper eats popcorn from a bowl. She reaches for some popcorn, only for him to slap her hand away.

“I'm afraid your services won't be required here, sir.”, the constable taunts, with a condescending smile on his face.  “My men have examined the evidence, and this is obviously an accident.”

“An accident, constable?”, Duck-tective quacks, his webbed feet paddling across the crime scene. “Or is it...Murder?”

“What?!”, the constable yells as the logo of the titular character comes on the screen as the commercials starts. 

“That duck is a genius!”, Mabel gasps as she drops her sweater.

“Eh, it's easier to find clues when you're that close to the ground.”, Dipper shrugs.

Mabel puts her hand on her hip, skeptical. “Dipper, are you saying you could outwit Duck-tective?”

“Mabel, I have very keen powers of observation. ”, Dipper explains, sitting up. “For example, just by smelling your breath, I can tell that you have been eating….” He sniffs the air, looking confused. “..an entire tube of toothpaste?”

“It was so sparkly...”, Mabel pouts, her mouth covered in toothpaste.

Soos arrives, running end with a look of excitement. “Hey, dudes, you'll never guess what I found!”

“Buried treasure!”, the twins say simultaneously before looking at each other, laughing.

“C’mon, follow me.”, Soos tells them, leading them to a mysterious door that’s been cut off. “So, I was cleaning up, when I found this secret door, hidden behind the wallpaper. It's crazy bonkers creepy! ” He unlocks the door and shows them what’s inside. They look around and see a collection of wax figures. But not any wax; these wax statues are historical figures, from Robin Hood to Shakespeare to Coolio.

Dipper shines his flashlight on the statues. “ Whoa. It's a secret wax museum.”

“They're so life-like.”, Mabel notes as she pokes the wax sculpture of Sherlock Holmes.

“Except for that one.”, Dipper critiques with his flashlight shining on a wax figure of Stan. Except it moves.

“Hello!”, Stan greets, making the twins scream and Soos. “It's just me, your Grunkle Stan!” His response doesn’t make it better because they still run out of the storage room, screaming their heads off.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

After regathering the Twins and Soos back into the room, Stan introduces his prize collection of wax figures, “Behold the Gravity Falls Wax Museum! It was one of our most popular attractions... before I forgot all about it”, he admits before showing off the individual statues. “I got 'em all! Genghis Khan, Sherlock Holmes….”, he pauses to see a statue of Larry King. “some kind of, I don't know, goblin man?”

Dipper shudders. “Is anyone else getting the creeps here?”

“And now for my personal favorite: Wax Abraham Lincoln, right over--”, he stops his sentence to see said statue melted in the summer sunlight.“Oh! Oh no! Come on, who left the blinds open? Wax John Wilkes Booth, I'm looking in your direction!” He bends down and puts his finger in wax, huffing in annoyance. "How do you fix a wax figure?”

"Cheer up, Grunkle Stan.", Mabel livens up her grunkle. "Where's that smile?" Stan grunts.

"Beep, bop, boop!", she cheerfully pokes Stan in the face, only to poke him in the eye. "Ow."

"Don't worry, Grunkle Stan.", the young Pine smiles. "I'll make you a new wax figure from all this old wax!"

“You really think you can make one of these puppies?”, Stan rises up. 

“Absolutely, Grunkle Stan! I'm an arts and crafts master. Why do you think I always have this glue gun stuck to my arm?”, she holds up her arm, which has a glue gun glued to it and tries to shake it off. “Eugh, eugh!” 

“Huh, I like your gumption, kid!”, Stan acknowledges with a grin

“I don't know what that word means, but thank you!”, Mabel gives one of her own.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Dipper’s been deeply invested into his journal. He just found a page talking about Methanosians, plant-like species that are able to emit flames. It’s very interesting to think about: how are they able to achieve this? Are they able to move so fast that they ignite the air or is it chemically triggered? Perhaps the chemical is-

“Dipper!”, Mabel drops down in front of his startled brother, who almost drops his journal before putting back in his jacket. 

“What do you think of my wax figure idea?”, she shows Dipper a drawing that she sketched in her sketch-book. “She's part fairy princess, and part horse fairy princess!”

“Maybe you should carve something from real life.”, Dipper suggests, feeling creeped out by her picture.

“How about a waffle with big arms?!”, Mabel turns another page, showing the aforementioned waffle.

“Okay... Or, you know, maybe, something else.”, Dipper clarifies, hoping to get his point across. “Like someone in your family.”

“Kids, have you seen my pants?”, Grunkle Stan asks as he poses on a briefcase, trying to find his piece of clothing. This makes Mabel gasps as a surge of inspiration courses into her mind. She turns around, her eyes becoming big as she looks upwards.

“Oh, muse. You work in mysterious ways.”, she beams with excitement.

“Why's your sister talking to the ceiling?”, Stan asks Dipper, clearly unaware of the young artist’s creative breakthrough. The next couple hours revolve around Mabel crafting the new wax figure. She works thoroughly on making the statue’s structure, working on the small details of her grunkle, and painting the right colors. It is rigorous and time consuming but she manages to get half way done. She moves back to admire her work with Dipper and Soos next to her. “I think... it needs more glitter.”, she muses.

“Agreed.”, Soos nods, handing the young Pine a bucket of glitter. She tosses the entire bucket onto the statue. “Perfect!”, Mabel exclaims in joy.

Stan walks in with his pants on but missing his shoes. “Ok, I found my pants but now I'm missing my--” He stops and notices Wax Stan. “Ahhh!” He falls over and crawls away in shock by witnessing the wax’s lifelike features. 

“What do you think?”, she asks, anxiously.

“I think... the Wax Museum's back in business!”

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

A bustling crowd has gathered at the Mystery Shack, they arrive in droves to see the latest attraction. What the attraction was, they don’t know but it must be worth the price of admission they paid to be here.

“I can't believe this many people showed up.”, Dipper comments as he watches the crowds arriving at the event.

“Yeah, I bet your uncle bribed them”, Wendy replies with a sarcastic grin. 

“He bribed me.”, he smiles, showing the 5 dollar bill that his Grunkle gave him in exchange for working in the ticket stand. She pulled out her own 5 dollar bill that conman bribed her with, making them both snicker. On stage, Stan walks on stage towards the podium. He taps on the microphone, ignoring the ear-piercing feedback it emits from the crowd. 

“You all know me, folks!”, Stan smiles, attempting and failing to charm the crowd. “Town darling, ‘Mr. Mystery.’ Please, ladies, control yourselves!” This garners no response from the women in the crowd. “As you know, I always bring the people of this fair town novelties and befuddlements, the likes of which the world has never known. But enough about me.”, Stan continues, getting to the point of the congregation. “Behold….me!” He removes the tarp, revealing the wax duplicate to the whole crowd. This receives a lukewarm welcome with two people clapping and another coughing. “And now a word from our own Mabelangelo!”, the conman introduces Mabel who takes the microphone from him before walking in front of the crowd.

“Thank you for coming!”, she greets the crowd. “I made this sculpture with my own two hands!” She throws up her arms into the air for a brief moment.  “It's covered in my blood, sweat, tears, and other fluids!” The implication makes the audience cringe in disgust.

“Yeah.”, she laughs it off. “I will now take questions! You there!” She points her hand to Old Man McGucket.

“Old Man McGucket, local kook.”, he introduces himself before asking. “Are the wax figures alive? And follow-up question, can I survive the wax-man uprising?”

“Um...Yes!”, she answers with a confused look on her face before pointing to a staunch man holding a turkey baster in his left hand instead of a microphone. “Next question!”

“Toby Determined, Gravity Falls Gossiper.”, he begins. “Do you really think this constitutes a wonder of the world?”

“Your microphone's a turkey baster, Toby.”, Stan shoots down his question.

“It certainly is…”, he retracts with a look of self-pity.

“Next question!”

“Shandra Jimenez, a real reporter.”, the female reporter says, holding a real microphone and a camera crew. “Your flyers promised free pizza with admission to this event. Is this true?” She holds up the said flyer in front him. This, in tow, makes the crowd erupt in indignation over the fact that there wasn’t any pizza around. Stan looks at the crowd with a nervous frown as they demand for pizza and glare at the conman.

“That was a typo.”, he gives a short answer, not really explaining anything. “Good night, everyone!” He drops a smoke bomb running off the stage before taking the admission cash box before anyone would notice. To say the crowd is upset would be an understatement, they are furious that they were swindled by the “Man of Mystery” as they all leave the Shack. No significant damage is caused save for the decorative pole that’s punched by Manly Dan.

Mabel leans on the admission table that Dipper and Wendy are sitting with a smile on her face. “I think that went well.”

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

“Hot pumpkin pie! Look at all this cash!” Stan smiles in pride as he counts the money in the evening. “And I owe it all to one person, this guy!” He points to his wax replica of himself to which Mabel punches her grunkle in the arm playfully.

“Yeah, you too, ya little gremlin.”, he laughs, giving her niece a noogie. “Now you kids wash up. We got another long day of racking cash tomorrow.” He starts pushing the twins out the living room. They head upstairs, smiling, as they run upstairs to brush their teeth and go to bed. Once they had gone upstairs, Stan decides to hang with his wax counterpart to watch Ducktective.

“Well, duck-tective, it seems you've really quacked the case.”, the constable jokes.

“Don't patronize me.”, Duck-tective quacks, clearly annoyed by the tasteless joke.

“Stupid duck!”, Stan can't help but laugh as the show goes to commercial. “Well, I'm gonna use the john. You need anything?” His wax counterpart’s grin doesn’t waver, but that doesn’t stop him from laughing. “I love this guy! Don't you go nowhere.”

He leaves to go to the bathroom for a few minutes. That’s all the time that’s needed for something sinister to occur. Like a thief in the night, the figure appears out of nowhere but their intention remains obvious and so, the terrible act is committed in such swift fashion that it’s almost like it never happened. The figure disappears as they hear the footsteps of Stan coming back into the den, leaving no trace.

When he comes back into the living room, Stan's face turns into horror as he screams as his eyes lay upon a devastating sight. “No!... No!... Noooooo!” His yells cause the twins to run downstairs to their grunkle on his knees with his hands holding his horrified face.

“Wax Stan! He's been...murdered!”, Stan points to the headless body of his wax counterpart on the floor. This shocking revelation makes Mabel faint with a gasp with Dipper catching her. While he isn't as emotionally torn about it like his sister and grunkle are about this, it’s still a scary sight to behold. 

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

An hour passed by, the cops arrived when Stan called. The living room is turned into a crime scene with Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland questioning Stan about what transpired. “So, I got up to use the john, right?”, he explains, even though he’s still shaken by seeing his wax counterpart beheaded. “And when I come back, blammo! He's headless!”

“My expert handcrafting... besmirched.”, Mabel cries dejectedly as she looks at her masterpiece beheaded.“Besmirched!” Dipper puts a comforting hand on his sister’s shoulder as he looks at the wax figure. The way the head is cleaved indicates that it wasn’t an accident. But one question remains in his mind. Who would do something like this?

“Look, we'd love to help you folks, but let's face the facts.”, Sheriff Blubs confesses after Durland finished taking notes on the murder. “This case is unsolvable.” Everyone, besides the cops, gasp incredulously. This makes Grunkle Stan very furious

“You take that back, Sheriff Blubs!”, Stan growls. 

“You're kidding, right? There must be evidence, motives. Anything.”, Dipper insists, there must be something that the police officers are missing to figure out the murder.“You know, I could help if you want.”

 “He's really good. He figured out who was eating our tin cans!”, Mabel vouches for her brother.

“All signs pointed to the goat.”, Dipper proudly declares.

“Yeah, yeah! Let the boy help.”, Stan adds on. “He's got a little brain up in his head.”

“Oooh! Would you look at what we got here!”, Sheriff Blubs taunts the young Pines, making him annoyed by the patronizing of the officers. “City boy thinks he's gonna solve a mystery with his fancy computer phone!”

“City boooy! City booooy!”, Durland eggs on with his partner. Blubbs just laughs on before smiling at the young  Pine, condescendingly. “You are adorable.”

“Adorable?”, Dipper pouts, aggravated by the patronizing cops, who just keep on laughing at him.

“Look, P.J.'s.”, Blubs begins, grinning at the aggravated Pine. “How about you leave the investigation to the grown-ups, okay?” Just as he said that, his walkie-talkie sounding off. Attention, all units. Steve is about to fit an entire cantaloupe in his mouth. Repeat, an entire cantaloupe!

“It's a 23-16!”, Durland squeals in excitement. 

“Let's move!” Blubs proclaims as both officers run off, laughing as they get to their car in quick fashion.

“That's it!”, Dipper declares, determined to prove those officers wrong. “Mabel, you and I are going to find the jerk who did this, and get back that head. Then we'll see who's adorable.”

“Aww, you sneeze like a kitten!”, Mabel gushes with a beaming grin, to which he glares at her for making him sound cute. It’s going to be a long process for him to get through in order for him to be taken seriously.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

The morning arrives and the Pine Twins begin their investigation. Dipper suggests finding clues in the last spot where the crime occured, which is the living room, where the wax statue still lays on the floor since last night. Mabel wraps the police tape, which is basically toilet paper with “Do Not Pass” in marker, as Dipper shoots a picture at the “corpse”.

“Wax Stan has lost his head”, Dipper explains in a tone reminiscent of a detective. “And it's up to us to find it.” He looks at the bulletin board with pictures of suspects. “There were a lot of unhappy customers at the unveiling and the murderer could be anyone of them.”

“Yeah! Even us!”, Mabel adds on.

“In this town, anything is possible.”, Dipper continues as he looks at the journal for some clues. “Ghosts, zombies, it could be months before we find our first clue”.

“Hey, look! A clue.” Dipper stops what he’s doing and looks at where Mabel’s pointing at. He walks to where she is and finds the first clue: shoeprints in the shag carpet. 

Mabel looks at the clue closely and notices something about them. “That's weird. They've got a hole in them.”  

“And they're leading to…”, Dipper stars before he and Mabel follow the trail to see their second clue: an ax behind the reclining chair. The twins look shocked at what they find. “The murder weapon!” He picks up the heavy axe and examines it.

“Who would know about this?”, Dipper thinks aloud.

“Maybe...”, Mabel thinks for a moment before getting a lightbulb. “Maybe we should ask Soos about this.”

Dippers hums before nodding his head.

They head to the gift shop to see Soos doing his usual tasks around the shack. After a few minutes of greeting the handyman, the Pine Twins explain what they’ve been doing and give him the murder weapon to inspect it.

“So, what do you think?”, Dipper asks, hoping Soos can give some additional clues. He keeps staring at the ax with the same analytical expression he had beforehand. 

“In my opinion, this is an ax.” Soos concludes, stating the obvious. 

“And is there anything else?”, Dipper asks, hoping to get an answer from the handyman. “Something weird? Something that can help us?”

“Uh...”, Soos thinks for a moment. “It’s sharp?” Dipper only sighs in minor annoyance. 

“Wait a minute.”, Mabel snaps her fingers. “The lumberjack!”

Dipper realizes for a second. “Yeah, that’s right. He was furious when he didn't get that free pizza.”

“Furious enough, for murder!”, Mabel adds on dramatically.

 “Oh, you mean Manly Dan?”, Soos clarifies the lumberjack’s identity. “Yeah, he hangs out at this crazy intense biker joint downtown.”

 “Then that's where we're going.”, Mabel declares with a fist pump.

“Dude, this is awesome.”, Soos chuckles, sharing some of Mabel’s excitement. “You two are like: The Mystery Twins!”

Dipper frowns at the name the handyman offered. “Don't call us that.”

After getting the information they needed, the Pine Twins walk outside about to the downtown area to where the biker joint. Before they reach it, Dipper and Mabel see their grunkle pulling a coffin out the trunk of his car. “Hey, give me a hand with this coffin, will ya?”, Stan asks. “I'm doin' a memorial service for wax Stan. Something small, but classy.”

“Sorry, Grunkle Stan.”, Dipper apologizes. “But we have got a big break in the case!”

“Break in the case!”, Mabel echoes. 

“We're heading to the town right now to interrogate the murderer.”

“And we have an axe!”, Mabel shows off the axe, waving it a bit with a gaudy smile.

“Hm, seems like the kind of thing that responsible parents wouldn't want you to do…”, Stan thinks for a moment. “Good thing I'm an uncle. Avenge me kids! AVENGE ME!!”

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Skull Fracture is the only biker bar of Gravity Falls, fitting for the most masculine of individuals to hangout. The outer appearance is enough for the normal person to steer clear from, especially with the large bouncer at the front. It’s why Dipper and Mabel are peering around the corner of the tavern, measuring the difficulty of their current situation. 

“This is the place.” Dipper examines, still feeling a bit nervous on getting caught. He turns his head to Mabel. “Got the fake IDs?” She gives him an ID card for him, but he’s not sure that this would work because the card looks hooky at best. It’s made by unlamented cardstock along with crayons and glitter.

“Is this the best you can make, Mabel?”, he asks, still looking at the ID with uncertainty. 

“C’mon, Dipper.”, Mabel pouts. “It’s gonna work.”

“Here goes nothing.”, the young Pine sighs, bracing himself for the worst as they both head to the front of the tavern's entrance, where the bouncer is standing.

“We're here to interrogate Manly Dan, the lumber jack for the murder of wax Stan.”, Mabel speaks with a level of professionalism that it’s a bit jarring.  “I believe our ID’s can provide proof for you, good sir.” They present their ID’s to the bouncer who stares at them, before shrugging.

“Works for me.”, he responds stoically as he opens the door, though Dipper is a little surprised that it worked. As they head inside, they understand why this tavern is called Skull Fracture. Men are either throwing fists at each other, arguing with each other, smoking, or sitting at the bar drinking some beer. Dipper and Mabel walk inside, looking around before motioning for his sister to follow him.

Mabel almost trips over an unconscious body and steps over it. She stops at a moment to stare at the body. “He's resting.”, she reassures to herself before catching up with her brother, who looks around and finds Manly Dan at the arm wrestling machine.

“Alright, let's just try to blend in, ok?”, Dipper asks as he heads towards the lumberjack. “I’m going to interrogate the suspect.”

Mabel gives him a thumbs-up before climbing onto a chair and talks to one of the patrons. “Hey there, fellow restaurant patron!”, she greets the gritty man with a cheery tone before patting him on the arm, ignoring his growl of aggravation. Dipper, meanwhile, passes through the patrons before reaching Manly Dan.

“Manly Dan, just the guy I wanted to see.”, Dipper speaks with nonchalance. “Where were you last night?”

“Punchin' the clock.”, Manly Dan grunts, holding on to the mechanical arm with veins popping. 

“Oh, so you were at work?”

“No, I was punchin' that clock!”, Manly Dan growls as he points to a broken clock outside, which appears broken and at an odd angle.

“10 o'clock, the time of the murder.”, Dipper hums, looking at the time on the broken clock, which is at 10, in consternation.“So, I guess you've never seen this before?” He pulls out the axe from his bag and shows it to the lumberjack.

 “Listen, little girl!” Manly Dan starts.

“Hey, actually I'm a--”

“I wouldn't pick my teeth with that ax. It's left handed! I only use my right hand, the MANLY HAND!!”, Manly Dan rips the machine's arm off and beats the machine with it.

Dipper looks at the axe. “Left handed.” He decides to go and catch his sister before they both head outside to assess what he learned.

“It's a left handed ax.” Dipper confirms as he shows Mabel a list of possible suspects from Stan’s unveiling. “These are all our suspects. Manly Dan is right handed, that means all we have to do is find our left handed suspect and we've got our killer.”

 “Oh man, we are on fire today!” Mabel exclaims with a lot of zeal.

“That we are.”, he responds, feeling some of her excited energy. “Now let's find that murderer.” He shares Mabel’s look of confidence as they share a fist bump. They start out looking around town to find their ideal suspects: they first start at the junkyard, where they see Old Man McGucket wrestling with a baby alligator. Mabel waves and the old kook waves  back with his right hand with the baby gator biting on it. Afterwards, Dipper, wearing a fake mustache,  delivers a package to Pizza Guy's house. Pizza Man signs Dipper's form and gets excited, only for Dipper to take the package and leave. On the other side of the road, Mabel notices the angry lady  and whistles to get her attention before throwing a baseball at her. She catches it with her right hand and crushes it. Later on, the twins find another suspect who was at the unveiling. They knock on his door, only for him to  come out with both hands in casts. So far most the people on the list were all right-handed. It seems like they aren’t close at all.

Except for one suspect.

Dipper gasps as looks for the final suspect on the list. “Mabel, there's only one person left on this list.”

 “Of course, it all adds up!”, Mabel realizes as well.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

It's nightfall as the cops and the Pine Twins head to the front door of Gravity Falls Gossiper. It took some convincing but Dipper were able to convince them that their number one suspect was responsible for the murder.

"You kids better be right about this or you'll never get the end of it.", Blubs warns them, hoping to be right so he could tease the city boy.

“The evidence is irrefutable, officers.”, Dipper responds.

“It's so irrefutable.” Mabel adds, waving her hand.

“I'm gonna get to use my match stick!”, Durland giggles in excitement as he waves his batton around.

“You ready? You ready little fella?”, Blubs askes, sharing his partner’s zealous energy as they hit each other playfully with batons, barely able to contain themselves.

“On 3!”, Dipper starts, before counting. “1, 2…” 

Before he can finish, the officers break down the door, barging in with a unified shout with the Pine Twins behind them. “Nobody move!”, Blubs shouts with authority. “This is a raid!”

As his office gets invaded, Toby slips and falls down, yelling in surprise. “What is this? Some kind of raid?”, he asks needlessly.

“Toby Determined, you're under arrest for murder of the wax body of Grunkle Stan.”, Dipper declares confidently.

“You have the right to remain impressed with our awesome detective work.”, Mabel adds on, smugly grinning as she high fives Dipper.

“Gobbling goose feathers! I don't understand!”, Toby exclaims, flustered by what’s going on.

“Then allow me to explain.”, Dipper starts with a confident smile on his face as Mabel holds a newspaper with a picture of Wax Stan's head. “You were hoping that Grunkle Stan's new attraction would be the story that saved your failing newspaper. But when the show was a flop, you decided to go out and make your own headline. But you were sloppy, and all the clues pointed to a shabby shoed reporter who was caught left handed.”

“Toby Determined, you're yesterday's news.”, Mabel concludes as she crumples up the newspaper.

Toby Boy, your little knees must be sore…”, the journalist starts, frowning. “From jumping to conclusions.” He finishes his proud remark before doing a little dance at the kids detective work. “I had nothing to do with that murder.”

“HA! I knew it-wait, come again?”, Dipper exclaims before realizing what he just said. “Nothing? D-did you just  say nothing?” He’s genuinely confused about what Toby just said. How could he not be the suspect when all of the evidence points to him?

“Huh? What? Could you repeat that?”, Mabel asks, sharing her brother’s confusion.

“Then where were you at the night of the break-in?”, Blubs asks, wanting to know the truth as well as Deputy Durland.

 “Ehh…”, Toby tugs on his shirt collar nervously before inserting a tape into a TV. It opens with him looking around, hoping no would notice what he’s doing before taking a cardboard cutout of Shandra Jimenez out of his closet. “Finally, we can be alone, cardboard cutout of TV news reporter Shandra Jimenez!”, he swoons affectionately before he kisses it, making everyone cringe in disgust from what they’re witnessing.

“Welp, timestamp confirms it.”, Blubs concludes. “Toby, you're off the hook. You freak of nature.”

“Hooray!”, Toby cheers, even though the tape is still playing.

“But, but it has to be him!”, Dipper argues, hoping that his hard work doesn’t end in failure.“Check the ax for fingerprints!”

The cops do so, dusting the weapon for any fingerprints, except there isn’t any on it. “Sorry, kid”, Sheriff Blubs shook his head. “No prints at all.”

“No prints?”, Dipper is confused by what he’s heard. There’s no prints on the ax?

Durland “Hey I got a headline for you: city kids waste everyone's time.”, taunts making the adults laugh, making Dipper and Mabel feel more embarrassed than they already are. They put so much effort into finding the culprit and from what they gathered, it seemed like the evidence was pointing to Toby Determined. But, they were wrong.  It feels like the case itself is unsolvable.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Later on today, Grunkle Stan arranges a funeral for his wax counterpart in the parlor. He is standing on a stage with a bunch of chairs set up with Dipper, Mabel, Soos, and the wax figures as the audience.

“Kids, Soos, lifeless wax figures, thank you all for coming.”, Stan thanks, solemnly before continuing. “Some people might say it's wrong for a man to love a wax replica of himself.”

“They're wrong!”, Soos exclaims as he stands up.

“Easy Soos.”, Stan responds, he understands the handyman’s sentiments. He looks at his headless wax replica, feeling a sob coming up as he continues. “Wax Stan, I hope you're picking pockets in wax heaven.” The conman sniffles, wiping his eye. “I'm sorry, I got glitter in my eye!” He runs out, not able to finish the eulogy without feeling grief.

“Ohhhhh duuuude…”, Soos cries out as he runs after his, trying to console him. There’s nothing but silence as it’s just the Pine Twins and the wax figures left in attendance. Dipper and Mabel look solemnly at the casket the headless Wax Stan is in, reminding them of their failure at finding the murderer. This realization makes Dipper slump into his seat, sighing.

“Those cops are right about me. About us.”, Dipper mutters in disappointment and defeat.

“But Dipper, we've come so far, we can't give up now.”, Mabel encourages as she gives her brother a smile.

 “Mabel, we’ve considered everything: the weapon, the motive, the clues.”, he insists as he stands up and walks to the coffin. “We looked at every perspective and there was nothing but dead ends.” When the case first started, Dipper thought he and Mabel could solve this easily. They had the clues, the potential candidates for the murderer, and the solid idea for a motive of the murder. But now, he’s not so sure anymore and can’t reach any conclusion. There are too many loose ends to this mystery.

That is until he notices something, something he didn’t see during their investigation. “That’s weird”, Dipper notes, as he stares at the wax rendition’s shoes. “Wax Stan's shoe has a hole in it.”

“Well, yeah. All the wax guys have that.”, Mabel answers, following her brother to the casket with the ax in her hand. “It's where the pole thingy attaches to their stand dealy.”

“Wait a minute, what has a hole on its shoe and no fingerprints?”, Dipper mutters to himself. He slowly realizes something. Despite the fact that his previous suspect had a hole in his shoe along with being left handed. But there’s an additional piece of evidence that’s to be considered: There’s no fingerprints. And there's someone or, something, that has none.

“Uh...Dipper”, Mabel asks, confused by her brother’s silence.

“Mabel.”, Dipper starts as he looks at his sister. “The murderers are--”

“Standing right behind you?”

The Pine Twins gasp in surprise as they turn around and see something that defies logic: all the wax figures rise up, either scowling with hatred or smiling in malicious intent as they creeped closer towards the stunned children until they’re blocked off from any escape. The lineup of wax figures include Shakespeare, Edgar Allen Poe, Genghis Khan, Larry King, Coolio (?), and Sherlock Holmes, who is holding up the decapitated head of Wax Stan. A wax replica of Lizzie Borden takes the ax from a terrified mabel before Wax Sherlock begins.

“Congratulations, my two amuetur slueths”, he patronizes as he tosses Wax Stan’s head up and down like a ball. “You've discovered our little secret.” He turns towards his wax comrades, who sneer at the Pine Twins. “Applaud, everyone. Applaud sarcastically.”

The wax figures collectively do so, mocking the children with sneers etched onto their faces, but Sherlock admonishes him. “Uh, no, that sounds too sincere. Slow clap, please.” The figures slow down their clapping so it may appear prominently more sarcastic. “There we go. Nice and condescending.”

“H-how is this possible?”, Dipper asks, baffled by what’s going on. “You're made of wax.”

“Are you magic”, Mabel gasp, curiously.

“Are we magic?” Wax Sherlock laughs with a sneer. “She wants to know if we're magic!” He keeps chuckling before slamming his fist down on the casket, jolting Dipper and Mabel. “We're CURSED!”

“CURSED!”, the wax figures repeat.

“Cursed to come to life whenever the moon is waxing.”, Wax Sherlock explains, walking near the fireplace.“Your uncle bought us many years ago at a garage sale.” 

“A haunted garage sale, son!”, Wax Coolio adds.

“Quite.”, Wax Sherlock agrees before continuing. “And so, the Mystery Shack Wax Collection was born. By day, we would be the playthings of man.”

“But when your uncle went to sleep, we would rule the night.”, Wax Coolio interjects again.

“It was a charmed life for us cursed beings…”, Wax Sherlock speaks, with a tone of reminiscent before turning cold.  “That is, until your uncle closed up shop. We've been waiting ten years to get our revenge on Stan for locking us away. But we got the wrong guy.”

“So you were going to kill Grunkle Stan for real”, Dipper asks, completely shocked by what he’s heard.

“You were right, Dipper.”, Mabel says. “Wax figures are creepy.”

“Enough!”, Wax Sherlock silences them. “Now that you know our secret, you must die.” Wax Sherlock, along with the rest of the wax figures, rolls his eyes to the back of his head. The wax figures growl intimidatingly as they get closer to the Pine Twins.

Mabel looks at her brother, who activates the Omnitrix. Dipper tries to select the right alien as the wax figures get close while Mabel attempts to distract them by throwing items from the small refreshment table. It does little to no effect before she throws a pot of coffee at the face of Wax Genghis Khan, who screams in pain.

“That’s it. We can melt them with hot, melty things”, Mabel realizes.

“Hot, melty things”, Dipper repeats before an idea pops up into his head. “That’s it!” He turns the dial to get his designated alien. In a flash of emerald light, stunning Mabel and the wax statues, Dipper’s body begins to morph: He feels his body developing chlorophyll as his feet become roots, his oxygen molecules shift to methane, easy for ignition. His shoulders develop red flowers.

Dipper becomes a Methonisian: a humanoid, plant-like alien that has an overall green and black colored body, mostly with a red flame-patterned head and root-like feet, seemingly holding black rocks. His eyes are oval-shaped with points at each end with pupils copying the shape but are smaller. Also, his shoulders and head have red petals and his elbows and legs have green frills sticking out. This alien is taller than an average human and has a distinct rotten stench that worsens with heat.

“Swampfire!”, the altered Pine shouts. Mabel looks at her brother in awe, he finds a new transformation that looks very cool but she notices something when she smells him.

“Ugh. Dipper you stink.”, Mabel holds her nose in disgust.

“That’s because my body is emitting methane fumes.”, Swapfire answers.

“Just take a shower when this is over.”, she begs as she grabs two decorative candles.

“The stink would probably go away when I transform back but okay.”, he answers, igniting his fists which causes the wax figures to step back even further. “Any one of you moves and we'll melt you!”

“With some fire and decorative candles!”, Mabel declares.

“Do you really think you could beat us with candles and by becoming a giant flaming weed?”, Wax Sherlock asks, his tone incredulous at the idea of these kids defeating despite them having the advantage.

“I mean….I can make flames outta my hands and she's got candles. So...”, Swampfire shrugs. 

“Yeah, it’s kind off a no-brainer.”, Mabel points out.

“So be it.”, Wax Sherlock answers before shouting. “ATTACK!” The wax figures and the Pine Twins charge, ready for battle.

Wax Lizzie Borden swings her ax at Mabel, but accidentally decapitates Wax Robin Hood. Mabel walks around her, but Wax Shakespeare sneaks up behind her. Mabel cuts off his hands with both candles, and he runs away in cowardice. Wax Shakespeare's hands, however,  move and begin strangling Mabel. She grabs a door and repeatedly smashes it on its fingers.

A couple of wax figures tackle Swampfire to the ground before dogpiling him, but since he has the strength advantage, he’s able to get them off of him through powering out, making the wax figures fly across the room in different directions. After doing that, he avoids being grabbed from behind by Wax Larry King before delivering a fiery chop that decapitates his head. “Interview this, Larry King!”

“My neck! My beautiful neck!”, Wax Larry King cries out, running away.

Wax Groucho growls as he charges towards Swampfire, but the altered Pine is ready as he blasts the wax figure in his stomach with a massive fireball causing both halves to slowly slip off.

“Jokes on you, Groucho!”, Swampfire quips.

“I heard of an empty stomach but this is ridiculous.”, Wax twiddling his fingers a bit as the top half of his body slid off of the lower half. “Hey, why is there nothing in my hand?”

Swampfire turns around to see Wax Genghis Khan charging at him and simply sidesteps him, making the wax figure run into the fireplace.

“Ha, Genghis Khan! You fell harder than the... uh... ”, Swampfire declares before getting confused. “I don't know, uh, Jin Dynasty? Heh. Yeah. Alright. ”

Mabel swings around Wax Coolio's head while getting overwhelmed by wax figures.

“Dipper! Watch out!”, Mabel calls out to her transformed brother. He blasts Wax Richard Nixon out the room before turning around to Wax Sherlock Holmes behind him.

“Alright. Let’s get this taken care of.”, Wax Sherlock says, putting Wax Stan's head on the horn of a rhino on the wall, and grabs a sword hanging on it. He then swings the blade and it slices Swampfire’s off. The wax figure seems pleased before his eyes narrow in annoyance and confusion as the altered Pine grows another arm. Swampfire ignites his fists and starts swinging at Wax Sherlock, who in turn uses the sword defensively while delivering more hits to the alien. This continues until they reach the attic.

"Once your family is out of the way, we’ll rule the night once more!", Wax Sherlock declares, raising his sword planning to slice Swampfire’s head clean off.

I can't deliver a massive fire attack in this area, Swampfire thinks. The best course is….He quickly turns to see the window. There!

"Don’t count on it!", Swampfire retorts, kicking Wax Sherlock down the stairs before opening the window to get outside. He climbs up to the top sign of the Mystery Shack and waits near the edge to hear Wax Sherlock Holmes coming up to finish him off.

"You think you can outwit me, freak?!", Wax Sherlock asks in aggravation as the figure climbs up. "I’m Sherlock Bloody Holmes!" He looks ready to slice up the alien boy until he reaches the top sign. But he realizes his mistake as Swampfire holds both hands out to deliver an attack.

“Burn.”, Swampfire declares before blasting a stream of flames that seems to have melted the wax figure. He moves forward to the spot where Wax Sherlock was standing. He looks from his left and his right, hoping to find any evidence that he melted the wax figure. Honestly, where did he-

Out of nowhere, Wax Sherlock appears between the top and bottom sign to deliver a hard elbow strike to Swampfire’s face. This causes him to tumble on the other side of the roof, rolling on the surface and grabbing onto the edge of it to prevent himself from falling down. He looks down at the ground below before gulping, he knows that these aliens are tough but he still doesn't feel comfortable at the aspect of falling. 

The sudden sound of scraping alerts the altered Pine to see Wax Sherlock Holmes, despite having one arm that’s mostly melted off, brandishing the sword with a hateful scowl on his face. He stops on top of the chimney and for additional cruelty, steps on Swampfire’s hands, eliciting a grunt of pain from him.

“Any last requests”, Wax Sherlock asks as he holds the sword, ready to finish the job of killing this freak.

Swampfire turns his head slightly to see the sky brightening up a bit, making him have a small grin of victory. “You got any sunscreen?”

“Sunscree-?”, Wax Sherlock looks confused before he realizes his hand is melting. “What?!” He gasps in horror at the sight of the warm, summer sun rising up.

“No.”, Wax Sherlock says placidly, despite his wax body melting in the heat.

“Yeah, it really wasn’t very sharp of you to let me lead you out here.”, Swampfire replies, confidently.

“Outsmarted by a child in short pants! No!”, Wax Sherlock exclaims in frustration and agony as the sun reaches even higher. “Fiddlesticks! Humbugs! Tiiter, total kerfuffle. Butter hallabaloo.” He continues cursing until he becomes a puddle with only his head holding some shape. Swampfire climbs up on the roof before sighing in relief. A certain ring from the Omnitrix emblem on his indicates that he’s going to turn back and in a flash of red light, Dipper becomes normal again.

“Case closed.”, Dipper declares in satisfaction, wiping the dust from his hands before he sneezes.

“You sneeze like a kitten!”, Wax Sherlock laughs, mockingly as his remains slip off the roof. “Those policemen were right, you're adorable! Adorable!” He declares his final word before falling down at the ground below in a splat.

“Ew.”, Dipper mutters in disgust.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Just as the battle on the roof is finished, so is Mabel’s in the parlor as she scoops all the remaining pieces of the wax figures with one more, Wax William Shakespeare’s living head.

“Though our group be left in twain, the men of wax shall rise again!”, Wax William declares though it reaches deaf ears as Mabel picks him up.

“Y’know any limericks?”, she asks curiously.

“Uh... there once was a dude from Kentucky…”, the wax figure attempts, weakly.

“Nope!”, Mabel concludes throwing his head into the fire before noticing her brother entering the parlor. “Dipper! You're okay! You solved the mystery after all.”

“I couldn't have done it without my sidekick.”, he says as he pulls up a chair and takes Wax Stan's head off the wall. 

“No offense Dipper, but you're the sidekick.” Mabel informs him. 

“What? Says who? Have people been saying that? Have you heard that?”, Dipper asks nervously before coming down.

“Eesh, which one of you broke wind-”, Stan comes into the parlor before screaming incredulously. “Hot Belgian Waffles!! What happened to my parlor?!” He sees the room cluttered with various wax parts on the floor.

“Your wax figures turned out to be evil, so we fought them to the death!”, Mabel answers, jovially.

“I decapitated Larry King.”, Dipper adds.

Stan stares at them for a minute before laughing at their ridiculous claim. “Ha ha! You kids and your imaginations!”

“On the bright side, though, look what we found.”, Dipper shows his grunkle’s wax replica’s head.

“My head! Ha ha! I missed this guy!”, Grunkle Stan beams happily. “You done good, kids! Alright, line up for some affectionate noogie-ing.” Dipper and Mabel try to protest but he just noogies them, all of them sharing a big laugh before a police car drives near the broken parlor window, Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland on the inside relaxing.

“Solved the case yet, boy?”, Sheriff Blubs asks, condescendingly. “ I'm so confident you're gonna say no, that I'm gonna take a long, slow sip from my cup of coffee.” He holds up his coffee and starts drinking really slowly to mock the Omnitrix-user.

“Actually, the answer is yes.”, Dipper answers, casually as he holds Wax Stan’s head. This causes Sheriff Blubs to choke on his coffee before spitting it in Durlands face, which leads to him screaming in pain and spitting the coffee back at Blubs’ face, making him scream in pain . This continues on until the drive away in pain from the scalding coffee before ending up crashing.

The Pines laugh at the spectacle, enjoying the catharsis of solving the case. “They got scalded.”, Stan quibs, chuckling.

“So, did you get rid of all the wax figures?” Dipper asks.

“I am ninety-nine percent sure that I did!”, Mabel answers with a confident grin.

“Good enough for me!”, Dipper concludes.

Little does she know, Mabel missed one. A headless Wax Larry King chuckles before chasing off after a rat that steals his ear.

[atopearth]

Tales of Crestoria Part 3 - Growing from Mistakes (Ch 3-5)

Anyway, about time Kanata and Misella got captured by Aegis and Leon? Haha. As for Aegis' close relationship with Queen Rebecca? Nope, that's just spelling disaster man. Aegis is probably as naive as Kanata if he thinks that this is okay, because even if he knows so, people don't, and it doesn't help that the Queen personally visits him a lot. He's pretty silly and innocent to think that him being her confidant is okay when she's supposed to have the king and many other people to rely on. It definitely doesn't help that she does all this so publicly. Btw, since we haven't seen Leon much, and this was probably the first time I heard him talk so much, I finally confirmed that his VA is definitely Midorikawa Hikaru! Tamahome (Fushigi Yuugi) brings back all my memories! I also loved him as Yoshino Yuusuke (Clannad), yes, he is one of my favourite VAs too, so I'm glad I have his SSR! Anyway, I'm not sure why he's so adamant on capturing Vicious since it doesn't seem like a justice thing like it is for Aegis but I do appreciate how kind Leon is to be concerned over Aegis and want to watch out for him.

 LMAO at the prisoners feeling like they're being disrespected because Kanata and Misella kept talking and ignoring them, and then when they do talk to them, Kanata says nice to meet you like they're at a party or something hahahah. Nice to see that Rebecca isn't just a damsel in distress and actually has been actively finding a way to escape from the kingdom. Not surprised though, she's young, kind and beautiful, whereas the king is so old and definitely evil lol. I feel sorry for her that she got dragged into becoming queen just because the king loved her beauty. Like dang though, she was a rural farm girl and he was able to find her? That would suck. Or I wonder if he goes around looking for beautiful women lol. Okay, he does lol, he even finds beautiful men, eugh. It's nice to know that Rebecca was once pretty naive though and thought that everything would be like a dream come true since the king proposed to her, and it was only after she married him that she realised how crappy her life could become. To be fair though, at least she's still in his good favours as a queen and didn't get demoted into servant or something after he finished playing with her. I guess her maintaining her beauty helped lol. I feel sorry for Rebecca, I really wanted her to live even if she was kinda delusional and hopeful that Aegis loved her. Kinda silly how the king could appear so suddenly in the sewers though, like how did he catch up to them so fast and how did they not notice lol. Anyway, I feel sorry for Aegis the most. He didn't even kill anyone but he's been framed for trying to elope with Rebecca and then killing her when she became a liability. At least for Kanata, he really did kill his father. In this case, Aegis is completely innocent. He's such a kind and righteous soul that wanted the best for his kingdom too. It's so saddening. Leon to the rescue! I'm happy that Leon prioritises Aegis over disgust at having to ally with Vicious since he seems to hold a grudge against him or something. It seems like Leon is really strong! Ooh, Yuna saves the day with her boat? Good to know she's the informant that Vicious frequently deals with. Her manner of speaking is interesting yet annoying though lol. Anyway, kinda cool that this Ivis person was able to create the Nation of Sin whilst forming a barrier that protects it from the outside world, and even preventing people without the Stain of Guilt from being able to enter the place or even see it. It seems like they really wanted to create a safe haven for all these people. It's funny that Vicious calls it a boring place, but I guess it's understandable lol, in any case though, I'm not surprised it's a boring and peaceful place. With all the chaos that comes with being a transgressor, what makes Vicious think they'd be crazy here? Lol. I mean, if they were, I'm sure they'd get kicked out lol.

Lmao, even though Aegis is getting kinda annoying with the transgressor this and transgressor that (his situation is understandable though, so I don't really blame him), I love how Kanata just drags him along, and Vicious just wants Aegis to remember that he is a transgressor now too lol. It was heartbreaking when Aegis finally kinda opened up and talked about how his parents were poor but did their best to fulfill his dream of becoming a knight, so in order to repay them, he worked hard to become a righteous knight, yet that all backfired on him when he lost everything and he's even being helped by the people he stubbornly believed to be the worst and has even become one of them, it's just pretty depressing. It was nice to see that the warmth of the transgressors' stew really got to Aegis. I'm happy to see Aegis fight for these defenceless transgressors that are getting massacred by the little girl (who is the culmination of the thoughts of condemnation etc) and her army of enforcers. I'm kinda surprised all the transgressors died though, like, did no one think it was possible that they might get attacked one day and prepared for that? I doubt not having a blood sin is an excuse too, since Aegis fended at least some of them off without it. Oh well, at least the little furry creature survived hahaha. Maybe we'll get an SSR version of the furry thing one day if it evolves into something strong🤣 I guess it's good that they've resolved themselves to fight against the world and the vision orbs instead of just hiding away now though. Lmao at Misella naming the little creature after meat, I guess Meakyu is a kindaaaa cute name.

Omggg it's Luke!! I love him. He's so spoiled and whiny, but it's hilarious. Lmaooo when Luke said Misella should sell her dress so that they would have money to hire a carriage and Kanata said if they sell it, she'd be naked and that would be awesome LOL. Priorities, Kanata. Omgg, I didn't expect them to have Luke once again make an irrevocable mistake that would cause innocent people and their town to be destroyed... But, like Vicious said, the biggest problem lies with the Senegal guy who knew what kind of guy Luke was and lied to him that the "monster" needed to be defeated when it was actually keeping the mountain intact and safe with its' mana. Wow, Senegal is so ruthlessly cruel... I can't believe he even killed the Southvein people who were able to evacuate from the landslide and survive. Not too surprising since they interfered with his mining but still crazy. Even more crazy that his fabricated lie is that he had no choice but to decimate the town because he sent Luke as a peace envoy and Luke ended up killing one of the residents in self defence (due to their hatred of Northmine people), like excuse you?? Is no one going to investigate the landslide and other stuff? Or are they so powerful that they can block people from going there? Btw, so nice to see Jade!! I guess the reason why Misella has been thinking that Kanata isn't really "Kanata-like" is because instead of advocating for his sort of belief in justice, he is now instead taking things into his own hands to punish others that he thinks "deserves" it. Not saying he's wrong since people like Senegal probably do deserve it, but in a sense, it just kinda becomes the idea that instead of the vision orbs doing the condemnations, now Kanata is doing them, and really, is this how justice is supposed to be, and really, can they save the world like this? Since really, because of their belief in their own views, they ended up killing the guardian spirit of the mountain to save Luke, like yeah, they had "no choice", but was it really like that, or did they just not think of other methods to prevent stuff like this from happening? Have they kinda become used to the idea that they should just solve everything with the violence and condemnation that they were dealt with?

I'm kinda happy to see that everyone is helping out Luke in wanting him to find his own path after the sins he committed, causing so many deaths even if he didn't intend it. Aegis is right, Luke's higher position makes him even more responsible for his lack of knowledge and his naivety, so it would be nice for him to face his sins and grow as a person. Well, I guess rather than it being something nice, he really needs to grow up and understand that his decisions can really change lives. But, I think that with Jade and Asbel there to guide him, he'll be good as long as he tries. Lmao at their great idea of earning money, I'm not sure if Kanata, Misella and Aegis could win prize money as a theatre troupe lol. It's funny how Misella thought Aegis wanted her spot as the heroine when they haven't even decided on what to do lol. Penelope must be dying from how bad Kanata and them are loll, although she does seem to be literally dying too. Anyway, nice to see that Yuna vows to not use her vision orb and instead tries her best to uncover all the facts and the whole story (as the journalist she is) with all the evidence she can gather to piece everything together rather than relying on a vision orb to do things when it only shows one side of things. 

On the other hand, it's nice to see that Kanata and them have realised the existence of the crazy researcher Malcolm experimenting placing human souls in monsters and the other way around. It seems that he was the one who made Emil share his body with Ratatosk now. I guess Kanata will definitely meet up with Cress again one day then (since Cress is adventuring with Mint, Emil/Ratatosk and Marta to prevent people like Cress' master and Emil's situation from happening again). Forgot to mention, but it was really cool seeing Lloyd and Colette! Well, it was kinda obvious that Penelope was dying, but it was nice to know that the reason Yuna is deterred from using her vision orb is kinda similar to Farah. Yuna used it on Penelope's mother to show her physically abusing Penelope as a child when she made mistakes in training to be the best actress, and although it's definitely terrible to allow something like that to go on, it's also true that Yuna hurt Penelope a lot by using the vision orb on her mother and having her condemned to death. As she said, there were definitely other ways to handle the situation, but because everyone from the moment they are born have been ingrained with the idea of the vision orb, everyone decides to solve their problems by using it instead of thinking about other ways. They probably think it's a hassle to deal with problems any other way when you can so easily record it and have other people help make the judgement on what to do instead of thinking for yourself on what other things you can do to rectify the situation. But yeah, I'm sure Penelope doesn't really blame Yuna, since really, her mum was abusive and Yuna wanted to protect her.

Omgg their pirate costumes are so cuteee! Especially Misella's! Love it! Meakyu's is pretty hilarious lolll. It was a pretty cool idea to pretend the pirate raid was actually their stage play that was a part of the festival. It wouldn't have been cool if the pirates were actually stronger than them though hahaha, but all's well ends well. It's pretty silly but funny how Vicious was the one who lured them all here to chase some made up treasure just because he wanted to steal a ship from the pirates lolll. He's so drastic, I love it. Awww, Patty and Chat are so cute~ I love how the townspeople dragged them away to treat them to food for their "good show" against the pirates haha. Honestly, I know Yuna meant well and everything by telling people that Penelope's performance sucked and that they should look forward to her next one instead because she knew how dissatisfied Penelope was with it and how much she would want to stand up again to rectify how bad this one was, but really, Yuna (and the party) are the only ones that know Penelope's true feelings. So really, it's hard for people to not dislike her for saying such "disrespectful" things about Penelope's "last performance" especially as a close friend. As for the condemnation towards her, really, it's just a bunch of petty people everywhere that don't like her journalist articles lol, but it is rather interesting that you can be condemned for something like this. It really shows how the importance doesn't lie in the gravity of the crime, the vision orb is just a depraved way of wish fulfillment for those who abuse it to get rid of people they don't like. I like how Vicious helped Yuna come to terms that what she said wasn't wrong, because she knew that praising her crappy performance was the biggest insult to Penelope, and really, these people have no right to condemn her for what she thinks just because they think that Penelope is dying so no one should say such things. They didn't even bother listening to why she said it and I'm sure they knew what she said was right anyway but were just too spiteful and self absorbed to care since it was their best "legitimate" opportunity to get rid of her. The only good thing out of all this is that for once, there were actually other people next to these crazy people that were trying to tell them that it was unreasonable and possibly a misunderstanding and that they shouldn't be too hasty to condemn Yuna like that, which is a first that I very welcomed. I mean, it honestly felt like these people used their brains for once compared to the villagers in the previous chapters. Maybe you could warrant it as the difference between countryside villages and city towns, but whatever it is, it's nice to see that the story is at least veering a bit away from "every person aside from the Tales characters are either dumb, crazy or evil". 

Anyway, nice end to the chapter as Kanata further resolves himself to change the world and Yuna will accompany them as their "pen" since "swords" can't resolve everything. The only sad part is that I used my gleamstones to draw but still couldn't get SSR Yuna, but at least I got an SSR Aegis loll. Overall, I do look forward to the next chapters and characters. I mean, Eizen (the guy who got annoyed at Vicious for using Aifread's name to lure the crappy pirates here) looked pretty cool and I would totally draw for him if he got an SSR. He'd probably fit in well with my team of beautiful boys LOL. He seemed like a best boy for some people, so I guess I'll look forward to if he'll have more appearances soon! Otherwise, I would like to see Tear, Natalia and Guy (outside of the recent event)!

[bladekindeyewear]

Freed up some time, actually!  Gonna blog the new pages of HS^2.  Liveblogging resume...

FYI, the post I glimpsed that alerted me to the fact that new pages exist had a translucent screenshot of Brain Ghost Dirk on it, so I know that at least is in store for me.  Makes sense; a way to involve Dirk’s voice obnoxiously heavily even when he’s too far away to narrate.  And ties into this... chapter(?) name, of course.  Chapters, huh?

> CHAPTER 1. Ghostflusters

God. Damnit.

Could we NOT???  No?

Fuck you, Dirk.  I blame you for this.

So we have greenery, a can-city and Sburb-legal human house mix... some sorta cow-looking thing from far away in the front yard...

The void resounds. Space seizes and warps as the bounds of relevance erode away to nothing but the wishful nostalgia of times passed. There is a hole in the middle of the universe, and it is hungry.

All very literally true.

But the denizens of this particular iteration of Earth C don’t know it. All of this is just business as fucking usual for a planet plagued by war, continuous inclement ghost weather, and the general malaise of being absolutely severed from canon.

--oh, FUCK.  This isn’t the new planet, this is Candy timeline Earth.  I didn’t wanna come back here!  :C

I guess that explains most of the content warnings.  Except fucking ALCOHOLISM.  Gee, thanks for adding THAT to the Candy timeline, as if it wasn’t fucked over enough!!!  Bluh.

I thought the closing lines of the Epilogue were that after RoboDave, Aradia and alt!Callie dove out of the Candyverse inside the singularity, the black-hole timelines and Dirk’s presumably-still-”relevant” nonsense weren’t going to collide with each other again?  So... why are we seeing this?  Is there going to be MORE influence like that, and the ending line was just fancy-talk?  Is it just an irrelevant little follow-up to Candy to show things turning out okay or pseudo-okay, like an epilogue to the epilogue?  Or is some of this Dirk nonsense presumably within the bounds of some sort of canon going to still have some last bit of influence on this so-called non-canon timeline?

That last one would make sense, given that it echoes how Homestuck^2′s dubious canonicity would still have definite influence on fanworks outside of canon.  Right?

Let me pull that last line from the epilogues again--

...where’s the Epilogues’ log, this is getting kind of hard to find with all their reorganization... fuck, I had to guess at the URL even.  Here we go, the last page of Meat...

The hole leaves behind an absence in the sky so calm that continuing to call it a sky wouldn’t seem to do it justice. It’s a perfectly neutral expanse into which anything one can imagine might be summoned. And for a while, anything was. But not anymore. Where the hole gaped just moments ago, there now exists an imaginary line.

Above this line resides all that matters. Below exists all else. Never again the twain shall meet.

...Right.  This implies that Canon and Non-Canon shall never meet again.  BOTH ways.  Doesn’t quite gel with the fact that we’re cutting back here--

Oh.

This is about Jake and Brain Ghost Dirk isn’t it.  I noticed his name down further on the page.  THAT’S why we’re cutting back here.

So, Canon and Non-Canon aren’t exactly meeting... not for anything relevant, anyway.  But we’re using Candy Jake’s visibility of Brain Ghost Dirk to get a better idea of Dirk’s broader self and plans through a splinter of him?  While getting another glimpse into how the post-epilogue Candy timeline is going for our, er... “curiosity”?  Is that it?

Hm.  I guess that doesn’t count as the twain “meeting”... I’ll just keep reading now.

They spend their days absorbed in the petty and pointless pursuits of “having jobs” and “raising families” and “falling in love”.

Is this Dirk’s narrator voice?  This sounds like something the current megalomaniacal Dirk would say.

I’m not going to quote the rest of the text’s further reminders of how Jane has been made into an absolutely fucked-over asshole in every timeline except the one where she grew old to open a Joke shop, adopt Dad, die, get prototyped and timeline-doubled, then mysteriously disappear from any mention in the Epilogues as if the Sprites were just forgotten about completely eventually.

> (==>)

Oooh, using the less-relevance-surrounding-parens that were used on retconned ghost!Vriska back in Homestuck proper to denote our presence in the non-canon Candy timeline? How handy!

Not a far-away cow, then.

John has been an incredible pal, opening up his home to Jake and his son on such short notice, and even offering him a pair of pants, as well as a shirt that he has so far neglected to put on.

Alright, that got a chuckle from me.

John’s house doesn’t have air conditioning.

What the flying fuck.

...Ah, John’s been away patching things up with Roxy some more, I presume.

It, like the rest of his assets, is in her name. She’d seen to that as soon as they were married.

Life players and assets, huh?  Always gotta be hoggin’ em.

He hasn’t seen much of Tavros today either, but that’s not unusual. He’s probably out with his kismesis, the one he thinks Jake doesn’t know about.

Huh.  Maybe Candy’s young Vriska?  Couldn’t get the real Tavros with your main self, so your alternate nigh-clone self settled with a human by the same name?  Or one of the other kids we heard of from this ‘verse..?

> (==>)

Jake’s hot man-bod cropped out of this image to avoid titillating my readers too much.

(Tumblr keeps jumping back to the top of my post after I add images and I keep thinking the title reads “Ghostfuckers”.)

Jake washes the dirt out from under his fingernails, and his eyes fall on the bottle still sitting on the counter. John had opened it, but together they’d barely touched the stuff. Jake had promised him and Tavvy he’d dry up his act and all, but... well.

God damnit.  If this is still Dirk-voiced narration -- I’m not sure it can be, now I think about it, as he’s supposed to be “out of range” or something, unless non-canon is just malleable like that, which wouldnt be surprising (or Dirk’s splinter’s presence allows it) -- he could literally be inducing or writing in Jake’s drinking problem just to hurt him more.  You can’t really put an overstep that assholish past Prince Dirk the way he’s gotten to be.

There was another ask in my inbox insisting that Dirk wasn’t going to stay the true villain here, if only as some sort of karmic revenge for declaring his self-importance... but I still don’t think that’s the case.  For one, Dirk HASN’T declared himself the villain... he still can’t see how fucked-up and unjustified his trampling over of everyone’s wills IS.  Shadows of recognition... but not really.  He really honestly believes he has the fucking RIGHT to do what he’s doing.

(Which is, incidentally -- to answer another ask -- why there’s basically NO chance that Rose has some sort of control or recognition of her situation under the surface, and is playing Dirk, as another person hopefully surmised.  No.  She really IS being unknowingly steered away from personal growth and recognition of the thought-control she’s under... because nothing less could feel as horrible to us.)

Part of the entire POINT of Homestuck and its Riddle was to show that these crazy kids, if they put their wills to it, always had the potential to be the literal Gods of the world around them.  That when ordinary people grasp the will and drive to shape the world around them, they can turn everything back from the brink of destruction... or vice versa.  Thus, it’s only appropriate that a player from this game could become a villain more disgusting than any we’d imagined in the series so far.  What he’s been doing -- writing twisted sorrow directly into the lives and experiences of those around him, nurturing their worst, most power-hungry tendencies (Rose) and deceiving them more directly than Doc Scratch (who was PART Dirk) ever did, making a JOKE of their free will in a more terribly direct way than ANY have been shown onscreen to do?? It IS, and is MEANT to be, the worst we have EVER seen in Homestuck.  Not as clumsy and from-the-outside as Lord English, but just as blatantly direct.  Not as easy to ignore or mistake as Doc Scratch’s horrible, intentional Prince-of-Hearty worsening of the players, instead just as impossible to gloss-over as it is to bear witness to.  That very TITLE, “Prince of Heart”, can embody the very ANTITHESIS of the Ultimate Riddle itself, robbing EVERYONE of their ability to shape not just the world around them, but even so much as themselves or their very thoughts.  When used the way Dirk is using it RIGHT NOW, anyway.  And his ambition is to impose this on all of Paradox Space.

There COULD be another villain, later.  But I can’t imagine a single one more appropriate.  And Andrew’s just the type to use one of the Striders, both practically self-inserts of parts of his personality and presence, as that ultimate villain to be overcome in a story about escaping Canon, too.

Turning his ex into an alcoholic just for his own self-satisfaction?  In a side timeline where Jake didn’t even try a relationship with him again and finally had a chance to grow up happy in SOME universe?  I wouldn’t put it past him, and you shouldn’t either.

Moving on.

> (==>)

Eugh.  I just... don’t want to think about him being an alcoholic on TOP of everything else.  As if there wasn’t enough to deal with in Candy already.

> (==>)

Hm?

> (==>)

The jungle air is heavy, humid, and familiar. Twenty years on and the thick drag into his lungs settles on him in a blanket of nostalgia, reassuring in its discomfort.

Hm.  Is this his fantasy, or a view of him in another timeline?

He is deeper in the jungle than he’d ever venture in his waking hours. There were places on his island that not even his Gran would tread, and she’d been the bravest person he’d ever known.

Hmm.  So he even knows it’s a dream, but is still in control...

Jake doesn’t recognize anything. The jungle of his dreams is wild and unknown, and there are things moving in the dense undergrowth.

...Hhhuh.  Still not sure what to think of this yet.

A sudden wind thrashes the canopy. There are pine needles in his mouth. There aren’t any pine needles in the jungle.

Very Dream, then.

> (==>)

--Yup.

> (==>)

Yoink--

> (==>)

JAKE: Yes you are i know that much. I saw your body! I carried your coffin chock full of all those stupid fucking swords! DIRK: Nope. JAKE: Dont nope me mister!

They would pile all those shitty swords into his coffin, yeah.

Anyway, now to see how much Prince Dirk is in this Dirk.  And if he’s in one mind with himself or has the slightest chance of feeling rebellious.

JAKE: I know a dead dirk when i see one! DIRK: Sure you do. But that wasn’t me. Are you really surprised to find out I got a couple of spares? JAKE: So what youre saying is you arent my dirk. DIRK: ...That is a whole ‘nother conversation that we really don’t have time for, pertaining to exactly who or what ‘your dirk’ actually constitutes. DIRK: Do you mean the Dirk from your timeline? DIRK: Then yes, that Dirk is dead. DIRK: If you mean the Dirk that you fucked and then ghosted, no, I’m not your Dirk. DIRK: If you mean the Dirk that you felt closest to, that you really knew--

...well, this Dirk still knows how to be a presumptuous, pushy creep.  :(

JAKE: Ahhh! Brain ghost dirk! DIRK: In the ghosty flesh. JAKE: Crumbs bro where have you been? JAKE: I could have used someone on my side! JAKE: You just disappeared one day without even the odd toodaloo to mark your passing! DIRK: That isn’t strictly true. I did disappear, but it was in a catastrophic blaze of hope-drenched pathos. I even threw out a couple one-liners. DIRK: But you wouldn’t remember that. JAKE: Because...it was a different dirk? DIRK: No, a different Jake.

Hhhuh.  So in the claymation-reproduced Lord English stagefight -- or, maybe more likely, the pre-retcon Aranea-induced Game Over timeline -- he was too washed out by hopesplosions to manifest properly?

DIRK: Until recently there’s been a shortage of ambient narrative relevance for Dirks, since one particular motherfucker has been sucking it all up like a thirsty little twink at his first interspecies rave.

Hm!  So Prince Dirk has been making it so other splinters of himself have really limited ability to influence, huh?  Guess that’s a sort of price for the narrative-hijacking power he’s attained.  Wonder how this Dirk really feels about that.

> (==>)

--Pff.  He’s certainly not shy about letting Jake know he shouldn’t trust him, though!  That’s a good sign.

I’ll split the post here for a bit.  Seems we’re about halfway through this upd8 from the look of the log.

[she-is-tim]

P.S. I miss you | Elu Online friends AU | Ch.1

It’s been since a month now that Eliott started to talk to this interesting boy on instagram. They get along well and it’s just a safe place for him to go back to when things are getting too much in his life. But january is here and he’s about to start at his new school. What he doesn’t expect is to bump into the person he’s been texting with. Suddenly Eliott’s life going upside down as he both tries to approach and avoid Lucas at the same time. 

The New Student

Eliott got up from his bed, turning off the alarm he snoozed at least five times in the last ten minutes. He got used to sleeping in during the holidays and this morning he felt extra grumpy for needing to wake up early. New school, new people, on hist last year. Gotta be a real fun ride, huh? He yawned, running his fingers through his messy hair and walked to the bathroom, taking care of his morning needs, such as peeing, brushing teeth and washing his face. When he was done, he took off the old shirt and shorts he was using as pyjamas, putting on light blue jeans and a black shirt. Before getting into his hoodie and going to the kitchen for breakfast, maybe some coffee, he grabbed his phone, unplugging it from the charger and checked his instagram. There was one new message. He quickly opened it, not being aware of the wide smile that spread across his face.

lucallemant Uhg, I hate waking up early

srodulv You tell me?  New school and all, remember? 

lucallemant Fuck, really That sucks

srodulv Wish me luck

lucallemant Should I send kisses? 

srodulv Oh, being playful so early in the morning?  I love that 

lucallemant It’s the Eli affect for sure 

srodulv So I’m affecting you?  Good to know 

lucallemant Shut up  Weirdo 

srodulv This weirdo have to get ready for school Talk later? 

lucallemant Good luck ❤️

srodulv ❤️

He was still smiling like an idiot as he got to the kitchen, making himself some toast and reheating some coffee from yesterday. It wasn’t the most healthy breakfast, but he could get on with it at least. Before leaving he pocketed his phone, put on his favorite brown jacket and left the apartment with his bag on his shoulder. Suddenly he started feeling really nervous. Through the past month neither he or Lucas had many things to do, so they were texting (and flirting) back and forth basically all day, but now they are going to have classes, homework, studies. It made him feel anxious to think about that he can’t share things with him, because he will be busy. 

With a sudenly appeared lump in his throat, he got off the bus at the stop nearest to his new high school. He pulled up his hoodie both as a protection from cold and from the curious eyes. He put in his earphones, turning on some dubstep, making sure the volume is high enough for him to cover the possible whispers, but not too loud to hear if anyone tries to talk to him. 

He walked through the school gates, trying to blend into the other students that arrived the same time. Everyone is busy greeting each other after the long holiday break, so he has good chances of not being spotted as the new kid. He almost made it to the building, people around him went off to their own way, when a small group of guys were coming towards him. They were so busy talking about something, that they didn’t notice Eliott. One of them even bumped his shoulders into him, but he kept talking with so much passion that was unreal in such early hours. The tall boy was so intrigued by these guys, that he stopped, turning around to see them, but all he saw was him. 

He felt like someone pulled the ground from under him, letting him spin and fall in the endless pit. His stomach flipped, his heart skipped a beat, then started beating faster than a race horse. He couldn’t believe that it was Lucas, but he saw his photos on instagram so many times that he could pinpoint him in the biggest crowd anytime. He was even more beautiful in person, his hair seemed soft, bouncing up and down as he walked. His smile was brighter than the sun. The only thing that surprised Eliott was his height, he was so tiny.

He looked down, then back up again, realizing that Lucas and his friends disappeared from his sight already. He swallowed the lump in his throat, continuing his way to the principal’s office. He had to get some things done before starting his classes. Deep inside he was fighting a battle with himself, incapable of forgetting his accidental meeting with his online friend... crush actually.

He was on lunch break, spending it outside on a bench, munching on his cold cheese toast and drinking orange juice. He could only start eating at the cafeteria tomorrow, so he had to bring food with himself from home, which was a bad idea, considering how bad of a cook he was. Suddenly his meal seemed even less intriguing when his phone buzzed, letting him know that he got a new notification. 

lucallemant So, how’s the new school?  I’m bored out of my mind 

srodulv It’s okay so far Eating cold cheesetoast  Delicious~

lucallemant Eugh! That’s disgusting Why aren’t you eating in the cafeteria? 

srodulv No tickets, only tomorrow

lucallemant I’m eating some weird looking pasta It doesn’t taste as bad as it looks like though

srodulv Well, I’m just gonna bury my sadness into my cheesetoast then 

lucallemant You are being unnecessarily dramatic

srodulv I’m craving for your attention 

lucallemant Yeah, right Dramatic

srodulv I like to label myself as romantic

lucallemant Sure, whatever Gotta go, the boys are bugging me for texting so much

srodulv Talk later then  ❤️

lucallemant Talk later  ❤️

Eliott sighed, pocketing his phone with a silly smile. He couldn’t remember when they started to use hearts when they said goodbye to each other, but since then both of them are doing it and it’s just so wholesome. It makes his heart flutter everytime. He was so in depth with his thoughts that he didn’t notice the girl standing in front of him, hands on her waist, so he startles when she says hi. He looks up and his face falls. Imane, wearing a nice headband over her braided locks, makeup is on point like always, her eyes piercing like a sharp knife. He swallows.

“Hey!” that’s all he can force out. He’s supposed to be the older one, but who the hell could be brave when someone is looking at them with such a mad expression. He knew Imane wasn’t a bad person, but she still had a tough personality, which won her the respect from Eliott. 

“Didn’t know you are going to my school.” she said it so casualy, like he was owing her any explanations to which school he attends to.

“This is my first day.” he shrugged. “Didn’t the boys tell you that I’m changing schools?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. Idriss usually shared every little thing with Imane, but probably he just forgot to mention this, since both him and Sofiane already graduated last year, there weren’t much talk about school between the three boys. 

“No.” she shook her head, expression easing a little now. “Problems in the other school?” he asked with so much understanding that it basically hurt Eliott. She knew exactly how it feels like to be different from others, wanting to break out of your previous life and start things over. He smiled at her softly.

“Something like that.” he admitted, trying to brush off the question. It was for the best if no one knows about his bipolarity in the new school. He was already grateful that neither Idriss or Sofiane shared that information with the girl. It was his private secret and he didn’t wanted anyone to pity him or think that he’s crazy. Especially not Lucas. 

“I see.” she nodded, not pushing forward the topic, which Eliott was forever grateful for. “We will have this thing.” she said, giving him a little piece of paper, well put together leaflet that was advertising some common room meeting. The boy raised his eyebrows in quiestion. “My friend is really excited about this, she wants to bring something new to the school, a place were people can meet up, talk and get to know each other.” she explained with a soft smile that made her look even more beautiful. “Can you come? We need people to be there, so she can go on with this project.” 

“Yeah, sure.” he said and shrugged, putting the paper in the pocket of his jeans. “It might be even useful for me, since I know noone here.” he said smirking, trying not to remember how big of a lie that was. He knew someone, and he knew him really well. 

“Cool, see you there then.” she said with a victorious smirk and walked away, probably back to her friends. Eliott sighed, throwing the rest of his toast and his empty juice box into the trash, walking back inside to his next class. 

The week passed by pretty calmly, Eliott decided to just avoid Lucas at school, which wasn’t hard since they weren’t in the same year. Also the short boy had no idea how Eliott looks like, neither he knew his full name. He once sent him a picture of his pet snake, Nagini wrapped around his neck, but he made sure his face is not showing on the photo. Oh yes, Eliott had a fucking snake as a pet, named him after the snake of Voldemort and loves him more than anything. He is that kind of nerd. Obviously he managed to freak Lucas out with that fact, but he only needed a week to get over it and now he sometimes just casualy asks how Nagi is doing, which makes Eliott’s heart melt each time.  

By friday he was kinda comfortable in his new school, even made friends with a cool guy called Alex. He was super chill, super nice and vegetarian. Eliott sadly couldn’t live without meat in his life, but he had huge respect for those who chose that path voluntarily. He was a bit disappointed when Alex said that he’s not going to the common room, because he knew just enough people and he also had basketball practice too. So accepting his fate, Eliott made his way to the place.

As he walked inside with a hopeful smile on his face, he noticed that he was probably a few minutes late, since the girls at the front were already talking. Thankfully the door was wide open so he didn’t got anyone’s attention by coming in and sat down to the closest chair he found. He catched a disapproving look from Imane, but she also had a smug smile on her face. He smirked back at her and for some reason he looked through the crowd. A lot of people came, which was really nice, since the blonde girl, Daphné if he remembered correctly seemed happy. She was probably the one initiating this whole thing.

His eyes almost wandered back to the girls in front of the group, when he caught a pair of blue irises staring at him. He felt like time froze right then and there as he stared back at Lucas. His heart was thumping in his ears, making him impossible to hear anything that is being said by the girls. He watched the boy swallow and turning back to his friends as they snapped him back to reality. Eliott was never so grateful for anything in his life, but he felt like if the boy would be staring just a few seconds longer at him, he would just launch himself at him, kissing the living hell out of those cherry lips. 

He tried to focus now on what Daphné was saying, she gave surveys to the ones in the front to spread it to everyone. Eliott was glad he was sitting far from Lucas, so they wouldn’t get in contact as the students passed papers and pens around. He grabbed a pen and a survey, then giving the pack to the next person. It was hard to pay attention to the quiestions when he kept hearing Lucas and his friends whispering. Hearing his voice made things much harder. Not like he didn’t hear it before, but only in videos and insta stories as he was goofing around with friends. This was different. His heart skipped a beat when he heard him laughing. He had to get out as quick as possible. 

The meeting took much longer than he expected it to, Daphné was a really talkative person and Eliott didn’t had the guts to leave in the middle. He was sure that Imane would cut off his balls the next time she sees him, so he stayed, trying to close Lucas out of his head, but it was an impossible task, since he kept glancing at Eliott from time to time. For fucks sake, Lucas, focus on what your friend says! 

He made his way to the bus stop as fast as possible, hoping that he doesn’t have to wait too long. When he arrived, he realized how hungry he was, so he stepped to the vending machine that was standing there behind the stop like an angelic blessing for his growling stomach. He looked through all the snacks inside, lifting his right hand to his mouth, running his fingers over his lips as he tried to consider which one would be the best choice. After some minutes he heard footsteps too close to him to be just one of the passing by people. He looked to his side and almost got a heart attack when he saw Lucas standing there, having a soft smile on his face. 

“Oh, fuck! I didn’t notice you there.” he stuttered, much more calmly than he was actually feeling. “I just don’t know what to get.” he explained himself, feeling like a complete idiot that he couldn’t just buy something and leave. 

“The 24 one isn’t that bad.” Lucas said and fuck if his voice wasn’t the smoothest thing he ever heard in his life. Also that fucking scarf wrapped around him like three times, consuming half of his face. When Lucas cocked an eyebrow up, that’s when he noticed that he was just staring silently, so he quickly started to look for the coins in his pocket, but managing to drop half of them as he pulled his hand out. He cursed under his breath and leant down to pick them up, but halfway his head knocked into Lucas, both of them stumbling back in surprise, pressing their palms on their foreheads. 

“Woah, I’m sorry.” Eliott mumbled, being terrified of what the short boy is thinking about him now. He used to be so fucking confident as they were texting, why he had to be such a clumsy idiot right now? 

“I wasn’t expecting that for sure.” Lucas replied, a soft giggle leaving his mouth, making Eliott’s heart skip a beat. Yepp, he definitely has a crush on this boy.

“Let me buy you something as an apology.” he mumbled quickly as he knelt down to pick up the coins he dropped, this time without knocking his head to Lucas’. As he straightened up, he catched those ocean blue eyes, seeing something special in them, a playful spark maybe? He swallowed and turned to the machine.

“Sure, get me one of those chocolate bars.” he nodded his head towards the machine. Eliott just nodded and started putting coins into the little hole, pushing the right buttons, then doing it for the second time. He took a deep breath, taking the chocolates out and turning to the short boy, handing him one. 

“Here.” he said softly, trying not to drop it or do anything stupid again, making even a bigger fool of himself. 

“Thanks.” Lucas said smiling and took the chocolate. Eliott was expecting him to eat it there, but he instead pocketed it and puled out something from his jacket. When he noticed what it was, he stared at him in disbelief. “Wanna share a joint?” he asked smirking, raising his eyebrows in a challenge. The fuck is this supposed to be, Lucas? He screamed inside his head.

“Sure.” he shrugged, sounding much more uninterested than he actually was. They walked back to the bus stop, sitting down to the cold steel seats, not exactly next to each other because no homo and all. 

Lucas lit the joint, taking a long drag from it and then handing it to the tall boy while blowing out the smoke. Eliott was just a little starstruck by that, but he took the cigarette, placing between his lips, inhaling the stuff. He wasn’t able to smoke since a while now, considering that both Idriss and Sofiane made sure that he has no access to blunts at parties. 

“Are you new?” Lucas asked after long minutes of silent smoking. The weed was kicking in, making Eliott relaxed and much more calm. His heart wasn’t racing anymore and his thoughts were too fuzzy to overthink this situation, he was just enjoying it. 

“Yeah, I just arrived.” he responded, handing the joint back to the short boy. “Third year, Literature.” that wasn’t necessary to share, but he still wanted Lucas to know. They never talked about school that much for him to realize that his new guy is actually the Eli he is texting with since a month now. 

“Five months before Bac?” he raised an eyebrow. “Isn’t that a bit weird?” he asked and every little part of Eliott wanted to scream, because Lucas is so fucking obsessed with the word “weird” that it’s ridiculous. 

“Are you trying to say that I’m weird?” he asked on a playful tone and he watched as the boy’s face falls, trying to explain himself, when a girl appeared from nowhere, jumping in front of him.

“Hey! How are you?” she asked with way too much enthusiasm than Eliott could endure. She was pretty though, long brown hair tied up, soft face, beautiful smile. Anything a teenager boy could wish for. 

“I’m fine. And you?” Lucas didn’t really sound interested as he was speaking, but the girl seemed to not notice that. What she noticed was the joint in the short boy’s hand, she beamed and her smile grew bigger. “Can I?” she asked and Lucas just shrugged, handing her the joint. She sat down right between the boys, taking a drag from the cigarette, focusing her vision only on Lucas, which started to annoy Eliott. 

“That meeting was nice, right?” she asked, trying to initiate a conversation between them. 

“Yeah, it was okay.” the short boy answered, taking back his joint from her.

“The survey was a great idea too.” she added and Eliott couldn’t hold himself back now, he had to say something. He leant forward, to be close to this girl that was getting on his nerves.

“I think it was weird.” he said, startling her with his sudden pesence, but she looked at him with that annoyingly bright smile. 

“How rude of me, I didn’t even introduce myself.” she said on a happy tone, reaching out her hand. “I’m Chloé.” she chimed and the tall boy had no choice but to accept her hand and shake it. 

“Eliott.” he said smiling a little, catching the glance of Lucas, who had all his attention on him instead of this pretty girl. He felt satisfied with that. “I’m Eliott.” he repeated, this time addressing it directly to Lucas who shot him a smile. 

“I’m Lucas.” 

Then an awkward silence fell on them, just passing around the joint quietly. When the bus arrived, Eliott got up and said goodbye to the two, mostly focusing on Lucas. He had a soft smile on his face which made the tall boy’s heart flutter in his chest. During the whole ride home he was smiling like a fucking idiot and not just because he was high. He was almost at his stop when his phone was buzzing. He pulled it out of his pocket and was surprised that it was a message from Lucas.

lucallemant Today was so busy Sorry for not texting you all day

srodulv No worries I also had a busy day

lucallemant Done with the first week though How was it? 

srodulv Not too bad I made some friends

lucallemant Shit, that’s awesome I’m happy for you 

Eliott couldn’t answer immediately, because he had to get off the bus and walk home. His phone was basically burning in his pocket, begging him to grab it and answer Lucas. As he walked into the flat, throwing his jacket on the hanger by the door, he went to his room to make sure Nagi is alright. He was rolled up in the corner of his terrarium, probably sleeping. After that he walked back to the living room, throwing himself on the couch and taking his phone into his hands. He got another message from Lucas.

lucallemant I actually met someone today

His heart skipped a beat and his hands started to sweat. What was he supposed to answer that? Yeah, I know, because that person is me? That is so fucking stupid. He should be honest with Lucas, they were always honest with each other. He knew about the bad mental state of the boy’s mother and Eliott hinted a couple times in their conversations that he also has some mental issues, not wording out that he’s bipolar, but he knew that Lucas put the pieces together. 

srodulv Oh yeah?  Already ditching me for someone else? 

lucallemant Hahaha I would never ditch my favorite stalker

srodulv You have multiple stalkers now?  What else I don’t know? 

lucallemant Oh shut up

srodulv ❤️

lucallemant I hate you 

srodulv No, you don’t 

lucallemant  You got some serious confidence, huh? 

srodulv I just know you  And I know that you can’t resist my intense charm 

lucallemant What charm? 

srodulv Ouch, my heart  That was mean, Lulu

lucallemant So, how is Nagini doing? 

Eliott smirked at his phone. This little shit often used stupid questions like this to avoid continuing a coversation. 

srodulv He’s sleeping

lucallemant  Good then 

srodulv So, you menationed that you met someone today

lucallemant Yeah, nothing special though He seems like a cool dude, but he might be weirder than you 

srodulv Is that even possible? 

His face was hurting from all the smiling, but he couldn’t stop. It was so sweet that Lucas was talking about him, while he had no idea that it was Eliott he met with. 

lucallemant Guess it is

srodulv Maybe you’re attracting weird people 

lucallemant  Thinking about my friends, that must be true

srodulv Still, I’m your favorite weirdo, right? 

lucallemant Of course  ❤️  You are weirdest weirdo I know 

srodulv That is so touching You are my favorite hedgehog too 

lucallemant  Like you have any other hedgehogs 

srodulv Oh, someone seems jealous I can reassure you that my heart only belongs to you  ❤️

lucallemant If only I could roll a joint with it... 

srodulv Every rejection is making my feelings stronger  Just so you know

lucallemant Shut up and go to sleep already

srodulv How mean We barely talked today and you want me to leave? 

lucallemant I just know that if you don’t go to sleep right now, we will be up until 3am talking about the global warming or shit 

srodulv That’s actually an interesting topic...

lucallemant Shower and bed, Eli Shower and bed

srodulv Only if you could join me

lucallemant I believe that you can fix that with some imagination 

Eliott had to take a deep breath after reading that last message. Lucas was always more flirty when he was drunk or high, he realized this just a few weeks ago. Lucas went out a party on saturday, just something organized by one of his friends to celebrate the last days of the holidays. He sent some messages while being at the party, but after it when he was totally high, he kept bombing Eliott with sweet, but for him probably really awkward text. He even asked for a dick pic. Eliott laughed his ass off that night and the next morning too when Lucas was apologizing rapidly. 

He sighed, trying to focus his attention back on his phone, but his mind started to wander off to his meeting with Lucas. He couldn’t get it out of his head how the boy looked at him in the common room. That was the very first time he saw Eliott, not knowing who he was and still there was some strange connection between them in that exact moment. He knew that Lucas felt it just like him. He quickly shook his head, looking back at his phone, typing a reply.

srodulv Good night then, Lulu  ❤️

lucallemant Good night  ❤️

Okay guys, hit me up with your opinions on this new story. Do you like it? There will be a lot of texts, lots of flirting and disaster Eliott! I was so fucking excited that I finished this chapter within a day, don’t blame me, I was waiting to write this story since days now. Bisou 

[365daysofsasuhina]

[ 365 Days of SasuHina || Day One Hundred Eighty-Seven: Open ___ ] [ Uchiha Sasuke, Hyūga Hinata ] [ SasuHina, alcohol, vulgarity ] [ Verse: Best Years of Your Life ] [ AO3 Link ]

He’s never liked weddings. But at least this one has something he can appreciate: that being an open bar.

Sipping his whiskey on the rocks, Sasuke tries to ignore the party behind him. A little difficult to do, however, as the groom’s best man. He never thought the idiot would manage it, but...here they are, celebrating his wedding to his childhood sweetheart.

The same woman that obsessed over Sasuke nearly their entire primary and secondary school careers.

But hey, apparently people change. And he couldn’t be happier for them. Maybe with the pair of them hitched, they’ll have less time to drive him nuts.

...they’re his friends. Really, they are. But sometimes they really test that definition is all.

“Excuse me…”

Glancing over as someone steps up to his right, Sasuke recognizes one of Sakura’s bridesmaids: Hinata Hyūga. Ino had the honor of being her, well...maid of honor. The two have been inseparable since first grade...even if they had their rough spots due to...eugh, competition over who, apparently, was going to end up dating Sasuke.

Now Ino just needs to get married…

Hinata, however, was more their wallflower friend, from what he can recall. The quiet background girl to their bombastic natures and forward actions. And in all honesty, he’s surprised she’s here, all things considered. After all...she was head over heels for Naruto for a long time. It’d been hard enough for her, surely, when Naruto and Sakura started dating. He can only imagine what it’s gotta be like being a bridesmaid in their wedding.

Sure, it might’ve been a while ago now...but first loves always stick with you, right?

Sasuke wouldn’t know. He hasn’t had one yet. And doesn’t really plan on it, in all honesty.

Still, he snaps from his spirit-tinged stupor as she asks the barkeep for...ginger ale? A dark brow perks, and his addled mind doesn’t censor asking, “You feelin’ sick?”

Startling a bit at his voice, she nearly sloshes her soda. “W...what?”

“Ginger ale. Isn’t it good for stomach aches?”

Pale eyes blink. “Um...yes, but...I just...I don’t drink.”

“Whaaat?”

There’s a soft snort at his rather...obvious slip in character. “It’s just n-not my thing.”

“But there’s an open bar - it’s free!”

“And so is the soda,” she replies simply.

Sasuke scoffs...but doesn’t have a retort.

“Is there a reason the b-best man is getting so...sloshed?”

“Psh, I’m not sloshed. Just...taking the edge off,” he mutters.

“...edge?”

“...I hate weddings.”

“Oh...then why did you…?”

“S’not like I could say no,” he sighs, realizing her question before she finishes. “He’s my best friend. I guess. I dunno. He can be a right prick sometimes, but…” Shoulders lift in a shrug.

Hinata gives a smile that’s both sympathetic...and perhaps a bit amused. “I mean...I wasn’t exactly Sakura’s b-best friend in high school. To be honest...I don’t know w-why she asked me.”

“Could be she just wanted to boost her maid numbers,” he offers, examining his held-aloft cup. It’s almost empty...he needs to fix that. “She’s a show-off that way. Probably wants t’be able to shove that in Ino’s face later, that she had more bridesmaids…”

The Hyūga’s expression falls just a hair...and thankfully Sasuke notices. Ooh...he said a bad, didn’t he?

“...or maybe she wants to reconnect,” he tries to amend, but it’s clearly too late. Apparently she hadn’t considered the possibility she’s just number fodder as opposed to a valued friend. Sasuke doesn’t know their relationship: he can’t exactly speak on the matter, just offer a theory. But...clearly there’s a hint of truth to it if she takes it to heart.

After a pause, she slides up onto the stool besides him, taking a sip of her soda. “...maybe. At least it’s been fun, I guess…”

“Fun? Really?”

“In a way.”

“How’s it fun to watch your childhood sweetheart marry someone else?”

...damn it, he really needs to learn to shut up. Maybe he has had too much to drink if he’s going to blurt things out like that...like some kind of asshole.

Hinata flinches. “...that was...a long time ago.”

“...uh huh. Your reaction’s real telling.” Someone shut this man up!

Pale eyes slide to their corners to give him a look. “...and you’re c-clearly still bitter about how Sakura treated you...at least I made an e-effort not to let my feelings ruin their day. I’m sure they’ve noticed the best man sulking and drowning his sorrows…”

“You kidding? Those two only notice me when they want something,” Sasuke scowls, kicking back the rest of his whiskey and flagging for another. “S’far as I know, my duties are over for the night...I’m done. We did the toasts and all that nonsense. All that’s left is cake and dancing...and I hate cake. And dancing.”

“Do you like anything?” Hinata asks with a sigh.

“...yeah. But nothing I like is here.”

“What a winning attitude,” she half teases, half drawls.

“My cynicism is all that keeps me going.”

Her eyes roll. “...I don’t know what’s going to pickle you first: your drinks, or your vinegar attitude.”

At that, he gives a snicker. “...that was a good one. You’ve got a sense of humor. I learned something new.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. Though to be fair…I dunno anything about you besides that you were that weird, quiet kid in school.”

“Not much has changed, really,” she assures him. “Now I’m just the w-weird, quiet adult at work.”

“The one everyone’s afraid is gonna go ballistic?”

“More like the one that gets walked all over. But at least I can pay my rent,” she replies, shrugging.

“Well that’s no fun.”

“What about you? Still mister popular?”

His lips fall into a pout. “...nah. Well, maybe a bit. I’m just another lackey in my dad’s company while my brother gets groomed for a top dog role. I’m fine with being whatever, so long as I can afford what I need to. Just gets old, y’know? I love my brother, and I love my dad. But it leaves a guy wondering what it’s like to be the favorite.”

Hinata gives a sympathetic frown. “...sorry.”

“Not your fault.”

“No, but...I brought it up.”

“Was only fair - I asked you first.”

The music then quiets, and the pair turn to see Naruto attempting to remove Sakura’s garter for a crowd of luck-seeking guys in attendance.

Sasuke’s face falls into one of disgust. “Eugh...creepy.”

“What?”

“...you take a garment from a newly-wedded woman’s thigh...and you toss it to a bunch of dudes who probably just wanna use it as an excuse to get laid. Just like ladies use the bouquet as one to hint at getting married.”

Hinata can’t help a snort. “...I’ll admit, it’s weirder than the bouquet. But hey, traditions are usually weird.”

“I’d never let my wife do that. Anything under her gown is husband-only, far as I’m concerned.”

A far less dignified snort works its way from Hinata’s nose, almost spilling her ginger ale.

“...what?”

“Noting, just...w-wasn’t expecting that,” she giggles.

There’s an uproar as the garter is thrown, and then comes the bouquet. “...gonna go try?”

“Nope.”

“Why not?”

“I’m hardly even looking to date, let alone get married,” she replies with an exasperated smile. “...better to let someone else have that moment. It wouldn’t m-mean anything to me.”

“...fair enough.”

With that, the music kicks back up, and the pair lapse into a companionable silence. He’ll admit...seems Hinata’s grown a bit since they last spoke, what...back in high school? Seems her shyness is still there, just...with a new tinge of sass. Or maybe just a bit more confidence...or it could be a lesser tolerance for bull.

Either way...he’s having fun talking to her. By far, in his opinion, the best part of the night he’s had yet.

“...do you want to dance?”

“Huh?”

“Dance. Do you want to?”

“I told you, I hate dancing.”

“And I hate seeing you mope. You’re here, you might as well do something, right?”

“I am doing something,” he sniffs. “I’m drinking.”

Giving him a look, Hinata abandons her half-empty glass and tugs on him. “...come on.”

“No.”

“Come o-on!”

“I said no!” he retorts, nevertheless stumbling off his stool at her insistence. “The hell’s your problem, lady?”

“I’m bored, and I want to dance. And I don’t know anyone else here well enough to dance with. And you need to take a break. I don’t want you miserable in the morning.”

“Who says you’d even see me in the morning?” he retorts, following her into the crowds.

“I suppose that depends on how the night goes,” she teases back, smile ensuring him that’s one hundred percent a joke.

...but it still makes him pause.

Giving a little shimmy, she tries to egg him into dancing. “Can you still manage basic motor skills?”

“Course I can. Maybe I just don’t want to.”

“Either way, you’re doing it.” She gives him a pointed look. “Dance with me.”

Heaving a sigh, he blinks owlishly at her. “...fine. But you owe me a drink, since I never got my second whiskey before you whisked me away.”

Snorting at the wordplay, she replies, “I’ll consider it...after you dance.”

Sighing, he does a little...something. “...how’s that?”

“Pathetic,” she laughs. “Come on! You have to try.”

“All right, all right…” Following her lead, he just sort of...grooves around. Sasuke’s never been much of a dancer, but...this isn’t too bad.

...and maybe he really wants her to get him that drink.

                                                           .oOo.

     I had an UBER long day and I'm v tired and only just managed to get this done at two am, sO...I'm gonna be brief, lol      I dunno...what this is. I stared at the prompt before the phrase 'open bar' popped into my head, and we got...this. Out of a very tired author's brain. So I have nO idea if it's any good.      Hinata feels...a lil ooc? But she's feelin' the sass after her convo with Sasuke, and tbh the look she gives Hanabi in The Last when Hanabi's teasing her tells me that Hinata DOES have some inner sass (even if The Last isn't the greatest movie and I replace Naruto with Sasuke in it, in my head xD). So maybe it's not too bad. I dunno. I'm v tired, ahaha~      Annnyway, I need to go sleep, so that's it outta me for now! Thanks for reading~

[mc-dude]

home

The sky is overcast, when it finally happens.

He thought it would be clear– the sun would come out, clouds would part, birds start singin’, etc., etc.. Had envisioned that the weight would lift off of his chest and he could finally take a unhindered breath for the first time in seven years, imagined some kinda cosmic entity would descend from the sky and tell him rest now, gabriel. You’ve done enough.

But there’s only a light drizzling of rain and a pile of bird shit precariously close to his coat, the fumes of distant smouldering buildings melting into the skyline. He snorts. Typical. His right heel clunks against the perforated concrete as he swings his leg out and in, out and in.

The world never gave a shit about him or his fucking problems, and it’s not about to start now.

A purple clad thigh settles down a respectful distance away from him.

“Well, that was almost disappointing,” she sighs, haphazardly waving her hand in the air in emphasis, “how easy they fell.”

Gabe huffs, leaning back on his forearms, eyes still trained on the billowing plumes of smoke in the distance. “It’s a lot easier to behead someone once you’ve removed all their limbs.”

“Eugh, asqueroso,” she pinches her nose. “I’m glad I can count on you to provide the vivid imagery as usual, amigo.”

His nose itches. It’s something he’s long ignored, the constant mending of his skin, the way it destroys and rebuilds itself over and over in a disgusting mockery of biology. The constant pain has become something of a reassurance– it means he can still feel something. He leans back on aching wrists, angling for a distraction.

“Did you dump the info online?”

“Por favor, who do you take me for? I did it ages ago. It’s trending on every news site worldwide.” She pulls up a holoscreen, shoving it in front of his nose. “This one is even calling for a post-humerus pardon for one Commander Gabriel Reyes.”

“Hmm. A bit late.”

“The common folk are always such, amigo. Can never see what’s right in front of their noses.” She reaches over to boop his nose. Gabe swats at her hand without any real vigor.

“So,” she starts, hesitating just long enough for Gabe to know whatever she’s about to say he’s not gonna like. “What are you gonna do now?”

“I don’t know.” He shrugs. “Die, I guess.”

“Dios mío, you’re always so fucking dramatic.”

Gabe ignores her. He always thought this fight would end with his (second) death, splattered against the floor of some forgotten warehouse, alone and forgotten. Now that it‘s over, he doesn’t know what the fuck he’s going to do.

That’s a lie, an annoying voice whispers into his ear. You know what you want to do. He tells that voice to shut the fuck up and flops back against the rooftop, hand rubbing at his temple.

“Here I thought you would settle into a nice retirement– ” Gabriel catches the incredulous laugh that bubbles out of his throat before it leaves his lips “ –get a nice quiet house in L.A., adopt a dog. Maybe take up cross-stitching.”

“Hilarious.”

“I wasn’t making a joke.” She stands up, stretching her hands above her head. He trains an eye on her as she perches on the edge of the roof, arms outstretched to keep her balance. Adrenaline junky, he grouses to himself. Gonna get her killed.

“You’re right, Gabe,” she says, quietly. Serious, for the first time in a while. It makes him lift his head to give her his full attention. “You’re done. This long war you’ve been raising, it’s over. You deserve a little R&R.” She turns to him, smirk on her face. She taps her lips with a finger as if in deep thought. “Maybe a vacation? Somewhere sunny with a nice view.” She points her finger in the air, eyes going wide with a wicked sort of delight. “I know this great place in Gibraltar–”

Just like that, his amicable mood sours. He throws his arm over his mask with a groan. “Shut the fuck up, Sombra.”

“No, I’m serious. Hear me out– you’ve exposed them!” She pauses, spinning around on the edge and walking back the way she came. “Well.. I did, because I’m awesome and the security on that omnic’s hardware was hilarious bad, but that’s besides the point.” She turns and spreads her arms wide, gesturing to the horizon. “They know now. Everyone knows what really happened, what caused the fall of you’re little club.” She takes a few steps closer to him and kneels down so that they’re on a more even level, her voice growing quiet again. “You don’t have to hide anymore.”

Gabe stares at her. Doesn’t have to hide. What a joke. His nose itches again. He wiggles it in annoyance. Tired red eyes glance back up at the overcast sky. A drop of water lands on the eye hole of his mask, rolls down until it hits his decaying skin and evaporates. A wisp of smoke rolls off the point of impact, fading into the skyline. The exhaustion hits him all at once.

“I’m tired, Somb.”

“I know,” she coos, patting the top of his hood with fondness. “And now you can rest. Reconcile. Relax.”

Gabe glares at her. “You think it’s gonna be that easy? Forgiveness doesn’t just happen overnight.”

“But they must have read the news, must have realised by now what you’ve been doing–”

“Who said I was talking about their forgiveness?”

“Gabriel,” she says softly, tentatively.

He sits back up, wraps his arms around one of his knees to rest his chin on it. The fires are starting to die down, now just a whiff of smoke lazily drifting towards the sky. He can hear sirens in the distance, muffled by the thick fabric of his hood.

“.. you know what Talon did to me. You read the files.”

“I recall skimming the procedures done to one Subject 002 while I was carefully reducing their supplies of relevant pharmaceuticals over time, yes.” She pauses. “.. but you remember, don’t you? Once the sessions stopped, once the drugs were so watered down they had no effect on you anymore.”

“Bits and pieces,” he admits reluctantly. “They’ll come back to me in dreams, sometimes. Never know if they’re fucking real.” He kicks at the wall again. “The anger stays, though. The betrayal. All those years of having them feed that shit directly into my brain. Those aren’t so easy to get rid of.”

“You read the reports yourself, Gabe. What they did to you, what they made you think. What they did to make Jac–”

He glares at her sharply. “Don’t,” he rasps, low and dangerous.

Sombra puts her hands up defensively. “I’m just sayin’. The data doesn’t lie.”

He sighs, the exhausting eating away at his bones like it always does, making him hunch over like the old fucker he is. “I know. But this–” he taps the side of his skull. “This does.” A whiff of smoke rolls off of the impact, sifting into the air like a disease. “Who knows what fucking side effects I have from the shit they did. Some kind of programming to hurt someone after some predetermined conditions are met.” He tries not to think about the way they found Gerard, lying in a pool of his own blood with a single bullet hole lodged neatly between his forehead, a peaceful smile on his face. Of course, of all the fucking memories he got back, that is the one he can remember with perfect clarity. “Maybe by killing them all I just triggered something,” he says darkly, cautiously, “and one day you’ll wake up to see me hovering over your bed with a shotgun in your face.”

Sombra tsks, disgusted. “Like you could get past my security.”

Gabe rolls his eyes. “Whatever. You know what I mean.” He kicks his feet again. “It’s better if i just– fade away. For everyone.”

“Hmm,” Sombra sits down next to him, neatly folding her feet under her legs. “For you, maybe. Not for the people who still care about you.”

Gabe huffs. “No one cares about me.” Sombra taps her chin.

“That’s weird, then what’s the recorded 248 hours of log files I found on a certain swiss doctor’s computer of her running simulations on how to reverse your condition? The last one was made, oh,” she checks her arm display, “two days ago, by the way.” She opens a holodisplay of a white lily and waves it in front of his face. “Or the flowers that get sent to your sister’s fabric store every other month? There’s no name, but I traced the account to a bank in Cairo.” Gabe tenses up, fingers curling into the concrete. It crumbles beneath his grip. “Or should I tell you about a certain old man with a receding hairline who visits your grave every third sunday of the month–”

“Enough.“

“Oh, and then there’s a certain renown hacker who has been assisting you with your fucking mission for the past few years, you absolute moron. I know we don’t talk about feelings much, but you have to know that I care about you.”

Gabe tries to uncurl from where he’s been cradling the panging in his chest. “You care because I’m useful,” he spits between clenched teeth.

Sombra laughs. “Just because you’re useful doesn’t mean I don’t care. What’s the point of friends if you don’t help each other out?” She leans over to bump her shoulder against his arm. The impact makes him wince. “Nice attempt to change the subject, by the way.” She leans in closer, wrapping her fingers around the cuff of his jacket. “What are you so afraid of, Gabriel? That they won’t accept you, or that they will?”

His hand is shaking as he reaches for his mask, unclipping it and unsteadily pressing his knuckles to his forehead. “Fuck.” He hates how fucking perceptive she is. He used to have so many secrets before he met her. Smoke drifts away from a hole on his face, a haze of nanites that remind him just how fucking hopeless his situation is.

“They’ll never accept me looking like this.” He feels a third eye erupt from his forehead, world tilting with an infrared hue that he'll never get used to. He trains it on Sombra (as if to say see?) who doesn’t even flinch, just shrugs.

“Pff, come on. I’ve seen pics from when you were younger, Soldier 24.” He instinctively bristles at the name. “You were super hot. I’m sure the good doctor will be able to fix you up.” She pats his thigh amicably and reaches for a pouch on her belt to pull something out, hiding it behind her back. “Okay, hold our your hand.”

Gabe narrows his eyes. “Why.”

Sombra pouts. “Because that’s what you do when you’re accepting a gift.”

“I don’t want any of your gifts.”

“Always so difficult. Here–”

Sombra reaches out for his hand and places a light metal object in it. Gabe turns it over in his hand.

“.. and this is?”

“A phone. Come on, I know you’re not that old–”

“Sombra,” he interrupts with gritted teeth.

“It’s secure. My own work, of course. All you have to do is hit número uno on the speed dial.” She pats his hand one more time and springs to her feet. “For when you’re ready.”

If his heart still beat he’s sure it’d be bleeding out of his chest by now. He tries to clear his throat, but when he speaks it’s a barely audible rasp. “Ready for..?”

Sombra smiles at him before spinning on her heel to the fire escape, one hand waving casually over her shoulder.

“To see your family again.”

Gabe watches her walk away. He glances back down at the phone in his right hand. His mask is still in the other.

He stares at the both for a long time, until the sun sets behind the distant hills and the moon peaks out behind a sudden gap in the clouds. The moonlight gives his mask an almost ethereal glow. It’s well-crafted; hand-sculpted carbon fiber, built in holographic display with all the latest tech. He vaguely remembers the day he got it, handed to him by some dead guy with a smug look on his face. A new face for the new you. We can’t have you scaring the populace, now can we, my dear Reaper.

Fuck, he hated that guy. The shotgun blast to the roof of his mouth was the least he deserved. He curls his fingers around the edge of the mask.

It’s transformed from something they forced on him to something he’s chosen to hide behind, something that keeps him safe from prying eyes. He doesn’t remember the last time he took it off, before now.

You don’t have to hide anymore. Gabe pauses. Considers.

“Fuck that,” he announces with finality.

He takes one last look at the mask before curling his arm back as far as it can go and launching it into the distance.

He lets his coat and gloves dissolve and tugs the hood from his hoodie up over his head. He palms the phone, chest clenched with indecision before powering it on and hitting the 1 button before he can stop himself.

The dial tone rings once. Twice. Someone picks up.

“.. Gabriel.”

Not a question, not a statement. Just his name, spoken from lips he hasn’t heard it from in years. His knees almost give out and he sags heavily against the wall, hand clenched over his mouth to muffle the sob that works its way up his throat.

“Are you ready to come home?” No nonsense, straight to the point. Just like she’s always been. Gabe lets out a shaky laugh and stands, wiping his palms on his pants.

“Yeah,” he makes for the fire escape, making sure his hood is tugged snugly on top of his head before opening the door. “I’m ready.”