#even after so much time has passed
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I think....maybe...now that things have calmed down a bit...I might start writing What Fades Away again.
#not fandom#it's been a lot#so much#so much health crap#for me and maggie#utter chaos all the time#but i really miss writing that story#i still feel so strongly about it#even after so much time has passed#since i first started writing it
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— If you create us a kingdom, we will write the book of our future. The future of the Church, of the world we live in will be ours, yours, and your children's. You say nothing? Why do you think we wished you a cardinal? So you would be Pope one day. Carve us out a kingdom, Cesare, and be both king and pope. I am stunned into silence.
#this scene is just so powerful even though cesare didn't have lines#cesare was proven wrong after all the time he was thinking juan was the favorite...#he came to the realization that even though rodrigo saw so much of himself in him...#he still planned from the beginning to make cesare his true heir!!!#in this scene he was brought relief and a sense of validation after years of feeling inadequate...#like he always intended for cesare to succeed him in the church from the very startwhich was the only way that truly mattered to rodrigo#but ces has always viewed being the leader of the papal army is The prestigious position so he envied juan thinking rodrigo was favoring hi#and when rodrigo shared his dream of creating a papal bloodline to be passed down to cesare and his own son?#cesare's perspective shifted <3#the borgias#theborgiasedit#cesare borgia#cesareborgiaedit#perioddramaedit#tvarchive#tvedit#cinemapix#tvgifs#tvcentric#by jen
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#a doodley#okkk 2022: the torture chamber....i only sparsely drew al and developed talon (he was borned...) bc my mind was occupied with other things.#2023: exiting torture chamber; it took me a tiny little bit to get back to drawing and ''interacting with'' al again but i did it even#though it was a reminder of the Bad bc he's my copium#summer 2023: i view and witness media and suddenly have like 5 fictional men i cant decide on which to focus... and september (talon month)#comes along so I decide to focus on Talon after not touching him much at all throughout the entire year#(forced this btw i did not wanna do it LOL i didnt even remember how to draw him)#september 2023 to now: talon has infiltrated the brain. but i want to swivel back to al#now: i've forgotten how to Talk to al (just like i did in beginning of 2023)#(and just like i forgot how to talk to talon for most of 2023)#so ive kind of just been replaying the smunker cow al daydreams from when they first met#so I can find my way back...retracing my steps#in doing so ive kind of also forgotten how to interact with talon but still havent gotten back to al#so rn my life is so boring without imaginary bf interactions. just the before sleep plot rehashing daydreams...#or sparse visions of em Sometimes#nobody in my brain rn just like the short period last yr and its distressing#what do i draw without a love obsession.....#how do i pass time without it....! so boring. idk what to do#i miss the me of several yrs ago when i was drawing 50 different aus with al....ive downgraded in skill and imagination and creativity#so bad since then. idk. idk. i hope they come back to me soon#maybe i shld just draw al a lot which is how i kickstarted caring abt talon again almost a yr ago ?#hoping i can get him to come back before my surgery i need my big sexy boy nurse for recovery#(complaining abt things usually fixes em for me so im hoping thats the case here)
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if you hate nana mother 3 you will die and go to hell
#shes on my mind. where is my girl#you know something that makes me think nana is a little older than the rest of the kids in tazmily is that#yknow she has no parents#but its not even implied theyre dead or anything#in tazmily hinawas death is described as the first time the village has been truly sad#so she’s the first time they’ve had to face someone passing#since the whole egg of light new world thingy.#so her parents did not die AFTER the new world was formed#so nana was born prior to the egg of light being used to reset everyones memories#whereas lucas and claus for instance were born after it#and that makes me sad.#it’s not that she’s mourning her parents#its that she never had any at all. ever. atleast not in her memory.#so when she grows up with nothing but her mothers clothes. a woman she didn’t even know. she cherishes them.#it’s not a reminder of her mother it’s a reminder that she even had one.#NANA MOTHER 3 WHEN I CATCH YOU#😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I LOVEYOU SO MUCH#nanathinks
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A–Aventio TGCF idea?? Wherein Civil God Veritas Ratio meets the infamous Ghost King Aventurine during his first mission cuz cuz like— The "live for me" paralels?!? The one who has all the luck partner as well?!? The villain who was actually not the Villain this whole time!?!? The loving humanity a little too much it causes the downfall of a god?!?!?!?
Rant AU in the tags proceed with caution
#Okay to put it into better words:#Veritas having once being a prince wanted to give everyone the prosperity of knowledge and became a civil god in the pursuit of it.#Sadly this backfires in people using that knowledge for their own greed and creating civil wars within it as well as unleashing far more#Destruction upon the land. And the other gods didn't help Veritas in stopping that bc see that's what happens when people overshare info!!#So the aftermath is just pure chaos plus banishment from being a civil god and thrown as this god of war and plague.#800 years passes and he is seen to just still be doing the same things but I a simple term. Teaching people to read and count.#Often times taking up mission and doing research on new pathogens to help cure the sick that can't afford and somehow during a reading#Lecture he gets ascended back to godhood and everyone is like ??? And even he is like ???#Well he doesn't care much about it and just continues to do what he's always done. Except that once in a while he has to take a detour#Mission to deal with ghosts and other malignant spirits. And upon one of those recurrences he finds himself aquaintanced with#The infamous Ghost King Aventurine. Who is mostly feared in heaven due to having beaten the strongest and wisest at their own games. Even#When the odds where fully against him.#As for Aventurine.#His life was harsh but as the prince had given a lot to the people#Not just education but also free them of diseases and sickness. One of which had struck his sister. He liked the prince and wanted to#Follow in giving and protecting the prosperity of the former kingdom. But the good things did not last and his family was struck in between#The many wars that took place. No matter how much refuge Kakavasha and his sister sought no place was ever#Safe enough for them.#He watched the entire world go up in flames yet somehow he could hate the prince-god for it. But rather the people who had started to#Create weapons in his name. The rest of his years he spent it as a warrior slave and then when death reached him he couldn't even go to#The afterlife since he still held so much vigor and wanted revenge to all the people who had turned his land into ashes and his family#Into bones. That is why he became a mourning ghost.#(I didn't want the kakavasha story to be so centered on ratio like it is in tgcf. Because I think it will be fun for the two of them to#Not recognize each other at first after 800 years and then when they do. Rather when aven does he's full on: oh shit it's the cute prince—#As for who was the cause of the upheaval in the kingdom and the maker of the weapons. Idk I was debating there being more than just one#Antagonist to have pulled their strings in verita's kingdom as well as be the reason Aven's sister died. So he's more revenge seeking for t#And the genius society as civil gods just spoke to me it for so perfectly. Ling wen as Ruan mei? Yeah exactly.#ratiorine#Aventio#Dr ratio
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literally how i feel any time i read this line. absolutely NOT
i think he's a great mirror type character for the mc depending on how much you draw on the default ra-on and their characterization, but more specifically their feeling of inferiority to solomon (which i take for my mc loyal). both the mc and bael are stuck filling in for a role for a king that neither feels they're well equipped for or were even born to hold and the fact that bael's so used to taking the fall that he's automatically ready to do it for you too is just. man. orz
#cliffnotes/.txt#whb#bael whb#its so...augh he makes me so sad#ik itll probably take forever to get to avisos since the promised chapter 6 hasnt even released yet#but waiting so patiently to pick bael apart (not really patient (vibrating like a chihuahua))#bael and mc spiderman pointing meme#god and both being like an imperfect copy#just similar enough to pass off as a fraud but so very different at the same time#and bc of that they'll never be true replacements#though the mc isnt even supposed to be one its like#the moment of disappointment almost everyone has shown when they realize its not solomon#even if they change tunes and bounce back quickly its there#happy to meet you but still upset its not him#and the underlying expectation that it *should* be him at first#like how it should be beel in avisos. but its not#both get a good amount of reassurance and support from those around them tho i will say its nicd#esp after seeing how the rest of avisos' camp feels abt bael#they love him and trust in him so much even though he always feels like hes failing them just by not being the king#he does so much and still feels like itll never be enough#ok now im just rambling its time to be quiet before i write an essay in here
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Loki surveilling the skyline of New York from the top of Stark Tower and clocking that his favorite paired set of buildings are gone. sad
#everyone wants thor and loki to have visited earth a bunch of times and obviously they wouldn't be too invested in earth politics#but i think the concept of much time passing between visits should be taken advantage of#like what if one of them missed seeing the statue of liberty on their past 3 visits and now that's 'suddenly' a famous historic landmark#Loki like wow I sure hope that restaurant in the Soviet Union is still around!#and Natasha's head whips around so fast like you mean Russia or one of the surrounding countries that used to be part of the USSR#Loki: uhm. well. what's the difference#Natasha: here is a map of the countries does this help#Loki: it does not help but thank you for trying#Thor: what do you mean Rome is gone???? Rome was HUGE?????#Tony: well it's been a few centuries since then Europe is very different now#Thor: (visibly distressed) so the the sweet effeminate men enjoy the streets no more??#Tony: ...I don't keep track of foreign border laws about that#Thor shows up after 3 years and there's a new president and he's very confused through the entire meeting#brodinsons being so detached from the political scene but being so used to realm politics they come to correct conclusions about things#even though the timeline and how long things stay the same on midgard still messes with them#Loki: at least Egypt is still around#Thor: China also#Brodinsons visiting New Zealand(Aotearoa)/Australia/various British mandate islands before the British formally showed up#returning 2 centuries later and 'the gene pool has altered drastically' 'must've been a war'#well it's either that or since Asgard seems spared of colorism they treat all humans as the same and don't notice. which might be worse#on the colonisation and liberation side of things
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semester is almost over. im dying
#my oc#rune#mori#i have a project due tomorrow and its finally scared me back into drawing#even though i should be working on this project but im SO SO SO TIRED#i went on an outing like 2 weeks ago the same week that i walked everywhere cause i was desperately#trying to get my taxes done but thats a different story but the point is i was walking a lot and i went on an outing where i stood all day#and then i had to go to class the very next day thinking i was fine but i wasnt.#and that same day after i walked across the city because i absolutely had to pick a thing up. i think the same week i met up with my mom#a couple of times but i was walking the whole way there. my point is that for 2 weeks straight i have been rigorously walking everywhere#and on my feet all the time with little breaks in between and my feet fucking hurt man#i need this semester to be OVER i need to sleep for a MONTH#but i cant because i have to scrape together SOME of this project and finals are next week#this class this project is for fucking sucks. all semester ive been teetering the line between pass and fail#and its not even my fucking fault. im so burnt out so i dont want to do this project. but i might fail if i dont#i need to at least demo it but i have like. one thing done and i dunno what to tell my TA about i#how do i tell my TA and prof that everything is too much for me so i absolutely could work on this project#my laptop is broken so im afraid to use it. the server kept going down last month so i was afraid to use that#so many stupid little things keep piling up and i'd sound really weird trying to explain why i cant do my work#because my desk is on the floor and it makes me really sad so no i cant do my hw. my fave candy has red40 in it so i had to stop eating it#but now i cant do my work because i was using it to help me focus on my hw. LIFE SUCKS BRO#anyway whatever happens. i cant wait to play video games again
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got a sortof interview for a research assistant job tomorrow and sooooooooo scareds :D
#delete later#sortof bc its basically already mine since my mom works there and said the current assistant sucks so bad theyll take Anyone with a degree#and theyre desperate#and its super casual and low intensity but still stressed tf out#bc i havent done anything non routine since december and my anxiety has gotten soooo bad and im soooo bad at talking to people#and ik the antidote is doing things again which is why am i doing this but. scary#and time is moving too fast and im so lost and i hate my stupid fuckass grocery store job and idk what to dew w my life rn#cannot stop reminiscing abt the life unlived and the time lost and while i do that i am not living anf losing time#😃😃😃😃😃😃#cannot stop thinking abt how my school life is simply over and i missed it i wasted it its Over 😀 no more chances#didnt make ONE friend in 5 years of university didnt join anything didnt do anything except mentally deteriorate#uni is supposed to be the source of so much life and experience. and yooo i missed it 😂yooooo omg its too late for me 😂😂😂#i rememebr before crossing the stage at high school graduation i was like. rn im in the part of my life before graduation#and in a minute suddenly im gonna be in the after#and then i realized recently. im in The After of university. the moment passed and i missed it#there is no more chances theres no more ‘next semester ill make friends’ theres no more Anything it is Over#time keeps going so fast and yallll i cant go back lol 😂😂😂 brooo wtf nobody told me u can never go back 😂#dawg i havent felt alive even once since leaving high school 😂 yo i peaked at age 17 😂 yo jm about to turn 23 and my last memory is being 19#yooooo whered the time go 😂😂😂😂 brooo where does it keep going lol come back wait up im runnin out of time 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂#x
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Silly Headcanon: Unruly Clone brothers get Held to keep them out of trouble/discipline them by their commanding officers. Older the CO = longer they can hold a troublemaker.
What I cannot do: Draw people or clothing/armor.
What I can do: Depict silly, lighthearted idea as meme.
*C.O. can be substituted for any ("big") brother really.
#frosts fandom freakouts#star wars#here have a meme#silly ideas#tcw headcanons#new little brother constantly getting into trouble? put him in air jail. problem solved. 🤙#Hunter's too short to put (some of) his bros in Air Jail so he has to come up with his own system#sometimes clones want Air Jail just for fun#something tells me Anakin got put in Air Jail once by Cody and and Obi Wan wanted to laugh so badly he nearly passed out#if you're difficult for the medic while he tries to set your broken bones after you punched a droid he puts you in Air Jail#if you annoy your commander too much you get put in Air Jail#even when you're wearing your full armor kit#no it doesn't matter if you're not a shiny anymore either#son idgaf if you're an ARC trooper you're going to Air Jail for giving me a heart attack#Hardcase loves Air Jail time
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in my quest to quell my pain ive only hurt myself worse. damned if i do damned if i dont.
#i need better coping mechanisms but it’s so easy to just turn to substances when you’ve never learned how to cope w your emotions#and physical pain. however a lot of it has been brought on by the substance abuse aka i did it to myself#so i probably deserve it#but i started with them in the first place to get rid of pain that was so overwhelming and constant#it feels like every time i do something to preserve myself im punished for it#and im so sick of it. i cant believe its gotten this bad#i drink to help the pain -> i get hungover and the pain is way worse -> i drink to stop that pain#and the worst part is it always works#realistically ive depended on substances for like a decade#i started drinking at 13 and fell into a rut of alcoholism at like 15/16#my mom was going thru a phase of alcoholism and roped me into it so bad if be woken up by her bringing me a drink at 9 am#and we’d drink till she passed out and i had to walk her to bed and cook for everyone and do all the chores#it went on for months one summer#then it was weed and i smoked every day from like 18-22#only thing thwt stopped me from drinking until i started again after both my parents died#i havent recovered since.#im still so traumatized and depressed that i looked for any method of relief#the dph phase was the worst. i think alc is even better than that lmfao it was horrible#once i got access to alc i stopped all that. wouldnt have if i hadnt had alc tho#it’s honestly been one addiction after the other for a decade#and my parents fueled so much of it#‘oh id rarher you drink under my eye than do it behind my back’#BRUH YOU WOULDNT LET ME GO ANYWHERE OR DO ANYTHING. HOW WOULD THWT HAVE HAPPENED#crazy how i was obsessed w drugs and shit by the time i was 10 and i remember thinking wow im gojna grow up to be an addict.#why am i so irreparably fucked up#idk whatever. like im not gonna drink abt it lmao.
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Eternal gales isat au except Bloom is the one looping and she never fucking escapes due to the curse of being 9 years old. Oh and also the middle aged woman actively sabotaging her at every step of the way ig
#rat rambles#eternal gales#for context in the main version of the au I have au aris as loop and as such in any swapped looper hypotheticals their loops would be their#au antag counterpart and just so happens bloom has by far the worst one to be stuck with#all the other au antags would play varying degrees of nice but au bloom very much Would Not.#au bloom's whole motivation in canon eg was kickstarted by their original universe being destroyed after all#and to have that happen after being stuck in timeloop hell? she would Not be ready to let the universe fuck her over without a fight#and this is only one drop in the bucket of many Many reasons that bloom would have a unquely fucked up and horrific time if she was looping#fydd wouldn't have a great time either but I do think au fydd would be nicer to him no matter how low that bar is#au fydd would be incredibly unstable and angry but he wouldn't necessarily blame fydd for that I think#seeing his literal younger self go through what had broken him as a teenager would probably get him to try to keep it together#he'd understand theyre both victims that got massively fucked over#au sier would probably get closest to loop in terms of helpfulness but probably still less helpful if that gives you any idea of how#useless these fuckers would be like even the ones who would legitimately try would just sorta suck at it I think#owl in particular would probably be Way too stuck in the playing mysterious zone to be very helpful#au fydd just wouldn't know shit nor know how to go about explaining shit#au aris would be very very distant with their advice and take a very mia appreach to things (take a clost look at your evidence esc)#au mase would be dead silent 99% of the time#and as said au bloom would be actively sabotaging everything at any chance she could get#now aris and sier are so nicies to me by having au antags that already have easy loop names#owl already altered her name in canon after all and while uni isnt here au aris can still borrow their name#thank god sier isnt the main character here if the act 6 twist was revealed with sier awf owl full name drop thatd be horrible lol#isat spoilers#justttt realized that I should add that. thats what happens when you post at 4 am ig#speaking of time to pass out
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I got covid for the second time probably on sunday though it wasn’t confirmed until monday, but since then certain things have tasted differently, though I'm hoping it's just the head-cold symptoms that are messing with my sinuses that's doing it, and that it will go back to normal after the cold symptoms pass. But so far it's only very few things that taste different and I'm so glad I haven't completely lost my sense of taste or anything x.x
#also I'm not even that snotty at all like I can still breathe through my nose most of the time (even though I do also sometimes struggle to#catch my breath for some reason even though I'm also not coughing that much really) but pretty much IMMEDIATELY when I got covid my voice#has gotten SUPER nasally as if I was fully congested which is so weird to me because I'M NOT?? Covid what are you doing to my body this time#i will say while i do have cold like symptoms including a sporadic mild fever so far this bout of covid is much better than last time#like at this point the first time I had covid I had trouble breathing constantly and I was so dizzy and had such bad vertigo that i could#barely walk or be upright and the room was spinning even when i was lying down (which was almost always)#it's much milder this time i think#so far at least 👀#hopefully this time i wont immediately get hit with bronchitis after it passes again#anyway this sucks wash your hands folks and wear a mask if you're sick and have to leave the house#this isnt fun#covid#my post#corona virus
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baby gurl
#super happy art time#erika#shes based off a creepy dream I had years ago#and named after an old oc I had that I just. Completely forgot Abt. she takes some notes from her but not much#she n jenny are besties she likes cute things like plushies n stuff but also loves creepy shit but is too shy and embarrassed to admit it#like she loves stuffies and has a snorlax backpack and loves tigger but she also adores creepy rpg maker games with plenty of mindfuck#as said she's based off a dream I had that involved basil having an extremely abusive brother and being influenced to do bad shit as means#for a reward (snacks#watching TV#whatever). she has a sister like this who is horrifically abusive to her. she doesn't see her often#cause she goes to college and only visits during breaks. eri hides away during those times.#she has a loving grandma who isn't doing so well so she has a caretaker#who will gain custody of eri when her grandma passes#their parents aren't in the picture cause they're pieces of shit and her grandma fought for custody of them both#thing is her sister turned out like her parents basically (maybe even worse) and eri is...very nervous and anxious and bad at opening up#she calms down with stuffies#has one she carries around in her backpack. she's learning how to crochet#so she can make teeny crochet friends. she also wants to learn how to groom animals and care for them#eri is very bright n fun and offers snacks to friends outside of home#but at home she's in PJs and hides away when she isn't seeing her grandma.#she's super super anxious and can be kinda clingy#she's bad at asking for help and normally feels like shes constantly making up for... SOM#something* I HATE TUMBLR#at the core of it she's very intelligent (she's VERY good at reading people) and can be extremely protective of others#also struggling with some bad psychosis that's going unchecked#anyway Tumblr hates me. i was copy pasting my twt thread cause im too tired and exhausted from everything to keep typing lol
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Kaeya was definitely the kind of kid who never threw tantrums and was willing to accept the bare minimum for everything, thinking he didn’t deserve to press for more (at first bc he thought he’d be kicked out if he did, then bc he just felt so guilty and uneasy doing so out of habit).
It’s only thanks to Diluc and especially Adelinde that he eventually came to advocate for himself more.
#hc; kaeya#//Lets face it; Diluc was prolly his biggest advocate throughout their childhood#//Kae had to be careful how much his gaze lingered on anything; bc otherwise Luc would jump the gun and either ask for it for him#//Or get it for him himself; which Kae found Utterly Mortifying#//Appreciated; but felt embarrassed when a Crepus or others stared at him like they Knew he was the one who actually wanted it#//Adelinde is the one who actively worked to help Kae be more independent; otherwise he would have just relied on Diluc for everything#//Damn near passed tf out asking Crepus for his own sword to follow in Diluc’s footsteps (Crepus already made the order bc he knew he did)#//Prolly still let Diluc do things for him even as they got older bc it made him feel important and relied upon#//Letting him play best big bro of the year; with that one#//Fell back into his old anxious habit when Diluc left. Stopped asking for things from anyone#//Addie took over getting things for him or being there with him for a bit while he emotionally readjusted to Luc’s absence#//Mostly the former; it’s the very reason he’d stayed at the Winery instead of running off with nothing after The Fight#//He felt so bad; but she understood he was still emotionally Reeling and needed a bit of support before he got back up on his own#//He still hates asking for things and such; but he hides it well#//Under charms and jokes or favors#//Or bc mom friend instinct overrode his nerves; that too#//Got thrown so bad by Diluc coming back; the first time he tried to ask him a favor; he just pissed him tf off on accident#//Wanted to hurl himself into Cider Lake first chance he got immediately after#//Still believes Diluc would refuse any favors he requests of him rather than accept#//Even if he has yet to actually do so; and everyone and their grandmothers Know Diluc wouldn’t either#//Thinkings bc am Obsessed w the idea that Diluc is still so doting; he let himself get arrested for a kid he didn’t even know#//After Kae outright falsely accused him of murder to his face; and Everything that happened That Night#//Just bc Kae asked him to#//And even rewarded Kae on a job well done with actual booze & let him stick around after the ordeal#//And that’s without mentioning the OTHER things Kae has gotten out of him in game with minimal effort/cost#//Lisa & Elzer are Aware Diluc would cave to Kae’s requests for things; w only mild complaining (& Elzer even says he doesn’t rlly MEAN it)#//And yet Kae still thinks he is like all the other things Diluc ‘got rid of bc he doesn’t need them’ anymore#//Heck; I veered off topic. RAAAAHHH#//But yeah; bby Kae was a shy nervous Wreck; and present Kae stole Bby!Luc’s confidence; send tweet blah blah blah
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i love you forever my shinee
#no matter how much time has passed it is still very difficult for me to talk about it...every time i think i will be ok it just hits me all#over again and i suddenly cant breathe and i cant think i cant do anything at all#had a bit of an anxiety attack on the 17th....on the next day i kinda made the mistake of watching a live performance of jjong where he#got emotional while singing and started crying...so i started crying too. still it was very comforting to hear the audience screaming on#top of their lungs telling him they love love LOVE him after that...you are so so loved jonghyun hope you can still feel that just like you#felt it back then. you are loved and will forever be loved#and the members' ig posts.....even though i try not to cry a lot i always kinda do..they just always manage to make me feel emotions#ive never felt before....mh telling jh about his mom...kb updating him about tm's successful concert....thats a FAMILY right there.........#love you my shinee family...hope you are all doing well and taking care of yourselves....my 5 boys forever#xlsx
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