#even if not quite so Literally Accurate (don't get me started on why i hate fan art that depicts shireen as being capital b Beautiful)

[greydeath]

WHICH VERY SPECIFIC CHARACTER ARCHETYPE ARE YOU? THE BEAUTY.

Beloved, beautiful, naive, innocent—or at least, perceived this way. The one representing goodness, in all its purity, to others. Smarter than they let on.

tagged by @inflame my love my life etc. tagging @sanctamater @stjusts @rozeat @lcerys @halfyearsqueen

[hwnglx]

Hi. Would u be able to read who between Jk and his FS is more possessive and how the both of the show their possessive/jealous side? Thanks in advance!

jungkook's future relationship - jealousy

based on tarot. i do not know these idols personally. energies are always changing. what i say is NOT straight fact. pls take it with a grain of salt!

who would the more possessive one out of them? highpr, aceofsw, 8ofc&9ofsw 10ofc&pagofc, death, aceofw, hieroph, 10ofw

so, they're both not possessive in an extreme manner. i'd say his fs is probably the type to get jealous or mistrustful more easily, whereas jungkook sulks more.

jungkook's fs sees their connection as very special, a deep and spiritual bond. and as i've previously seen, they seem to have some trust issues. i'm not sure if they dealt with some cheating on their partner's side in the past, i have a feeling they've experienced some heartbreak here. which might be why there is this fear and worry, especially about that moment of finding out. since it's such an important connection to them, they're scared it will be broken by something hidden coming to light, some sort of betrayal. in that way, they can get very possessive. "you're such a precious person to me, i don't want you to do anything that breaks my trust."

jungkook on the other hand, he's such a romantic at heart. he truly sees the relationship he has with his fs as perfection, something he dreamt about for a long time. he feels so much responsibility over it, wants to constantly do the right thing. i'm getting the feeling he trusts his future spouse immensely, and more than anything, is telling himself to keep himself in check. somehow, he doesn't even consider the option of his fs betraying him, it's nothing he worries about.

how does jungkook's fs show their jealousy? empr, pagofc, 10ofsw, kingofw+6ofp

in general, they're a very mature and poise person. but equally as emotional, so once jealousy takes over them, they can quickly get pretty whiny and overly dramatic, immature almost. they'll feel insecure, betrayed.. but rather than getting angry, they'll just care about winning jungkook back. get extra affectionate, probably cling to him and make sure everyone knows he belongs to them only. i think more than anything, it'll be important for them to see jungkook giving in to them. once they can tell his focus is back on them, they'll feel relieved. what i constantly feel, is how their main fear is about things going on behind their back. they hate that a lot. "okay he's next to me. he kissed me back, he's smiling. it's all good now." they trust him more than they trust others. they don't want people to look at him too much, or like him too much.

how does jungkook show his jealousy? knofc&3ofsw, pagofp, 10ofc, 2ofsw, queofw&queofc, 7ofw

my god. it's actually kinda cute how both of them can turn into literal kids once they get jealous lmao.

not sure if i mentioned this before, but jungkook is the type to get very obsessed over his fs. (seeing seven surprised me, since it depicts him with his fs quite accurately imo) like, he makes them his entire world. (literally got the world at the bottom of the deck) they're all that man sees, so if somehow that rose-colored vision he has of their relationship gets disturbed, it can quite literally break his heart. i can just see his face dropping, him starting to feel desperate, genuinely hating and despising the sight of his fs with someone else. he won't immediately act on that emotion though, since he doesn't wanna do anything that could be considered wrong.

he'll probably try to block it out at first, but once he's confronted with his fs again, it'll be pretty obvious, he won't be able to hide it. he'll get kinda defensive and sulky. he'd lowkey victimize himself, literally get all dramatic. "how could she do this to me?.." type of thing. he'll just be a bit of a child in that moment.

i really can't see a specific moment of confrontation here though. he really isn't good at voicing his negative emotions without getting worried of him seeming childish. he'll just push away the burn inside his heart and try to deal with it as gracefully as possible.

[eneablack]

I SHIFTED 𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊 AVATAR DR

The last few times I shifted were only with intention but this time I also said affirmations that grounded me in that reality (for example: "I am ene'ya te kalin satkie'itan” , “I live in Pandora”, “I am a na'vi”, etc…), and I went to sleep with the mentality that I was already there in Pandora.

I took notes right after I came back btw so everything was still fresh in my mind, then I added it all together and I tried to make a storytime as detailed as I can. I probably don’t remember well all the things but I tried my best to make everything accurate to what happened.

Okay so let me start.

I had scripted that Lo'ak would wake me up but that didn't happen, instead when I opened my eyes (I don't know what time it was because we don't keep track of time with clocks there) i got kind of scared because I found myself with my face squashed in a hammock so I could see everything from a big height and thought I could fall at any moment. This time I immediately realized that I had shifted because 1. I scripted it and 2. everything was too different, starting from the environment (forest) and ending on myself (literally blue), but I didn't even feel strong emotions like in the other shifts idk why, I was already used to being there as if I've always been there (in that reality it's obvious that I've always been there but you know what I mean).

As I was getting up I was told something like “you finally woke up, we thought you were dead” or something like that because it was said in Na'vi (now that I’m back I think its so weird that I knew and was used to a completely different language). Anyway, in the end it was Tuk who had spoken and she was standing next to a surface of worked wood with stuff on it that looked like exotic fruit. When I got up from the hammock for a moment it was strange to feel so huge (and semi-naked lol) and blue, but this too was super normal so I didn't think about it much.

There around the table, besides Tuk, were my father and one of my sisters and everything immediately became normal, I got back the memories and knowledge of that reality and I had the feeling that this reality was now a distant memory, or a dream, and it was there instead that I belonged. Tuk was at our place because she wanted to have breakfast with us, so then we started eating these seeds which were called pxorna and a type of fruit which name I don't remember, then there was also the spartan fruit which I think was the one from the first film (which Jake tastes for the first time in his new body). My mother and my other sister had gone hunting since I had woken up late, meanwhile then I decided to take Tuk back to her family and bro, I expected to be super excited to meet the rest of the Sully family but instead it was normal like everything else 😭 (now that I'm back here I've been freaking out the whole time that is, I still don't realize but okay).

Neytiri is fucking beautiful btw, and Jake is ethereal irl and is much more patient with the children since the sky people wasn’t there yet. Kiri is like in the movie I have nothing to add, she is nice to me but she is very sarcastic. Lo'ak is quite a kid lmao, even though he's in his 20s he acted a bit annoying and rebellious just because (obviously I love Lo'ak but I'm just describing how he was there, I’m not judging him) but still he was my best friend and i have to say we were very similar now that i think back on it.

Neteyam on the other hand.. bro, the most annoying person in the world, I’LL EXPLAIN RIGHT AWAY don't attack me. Practically, clever as I am, I scripted an enemies to lovers with him, not considering that actually in the "enemies" phase we would have been "enemies" and I have to say okay: it's not that we hated each other or were really enemies, but we kind of couldn't stand not even breathe the same air. He still always had that protective older brother personality and was kind/available to everyone BUT NOT WITH ME, I really pissed him off 😭 but it was mutual so yea. In fact, when he saw me bring Tuk back he snorted and changed seats so I remember that I kind of teased him about it but I don't remember exactly what I said to him.

Later I went out with Lo'ak and we went to get the ikrans because he wanted to go to Tsireya and wanted me to accompany him lmao because they weren't really together yet so he was shy. We had another friend called Nìmäng (he isn’t in the movies), and he was much more serious than us; I don't know how he could be our friend but somehow it worked because he balanced our non-seriousness. In short, we took the ikrans (mine is called Zeswavi) and y’all, it's a one of a kind experience, you feel the wind stinging your skin and you perceive in your body everything the ikran is feeling, then don't make fun of me but you also feel invincible, it's so incredible (I recommend you to shift there just to experience this thing).

When we arrived in Awa'atlu (I scripted that it's only 10 minutes flight away because I'm smart) it was just spectacular, it looked like the Maldives🧍🏼 but much much better. So, now I want you to trust me when I say that I had to hold back not to jump on Tonowari, that man is irresistible and so mighty irl, I can't do it lorddd. Ronal didn't like me that much and frankly I'm afraid it was because she saw me drooling over her husband. Tsireya is lovely, the kindest person there I must say, as well as Rotxo. Ao'nung on the other hand.. an infernal beast, literally; he’s cool I mean, but he was really annoying, he liked to tease me and provoke me every 5 minutes, but I responded by hitting him so it was all balanced.

The rest of the day was spent swimming with the ilus, playing a kind of ping pong with barks and also fishing at some point, which would have been very boring if it weren't for Ao'nung who, although annoying, is really funny. Later Kiri and Tuk also joined us, Neteyam as well, with whom I had a fight because I hit him on the head with the fishing net (it was actually hilarious). Before the eclipse we went back to the forest and brought back some of the fish we had caught, my mother cooked it and wrapped it in seaweed and it was all so good man.

We then all gathered around a bonfire and sang songs, other na'vis sang and some danced, it was truly magical. For a moment I stared at Neteyam because, even if I couldn't stand him, he was really beautiful under the firelight, but when he saw me he said like "what are you looking at, skxawng?" (“idiot”) so I insulted him and started ignoring him again lol.

At night I decided to shift here again because the experience was so beautiful that I wanted to tell everyone about it.

Thanks for reading this all <3 go shift!

[homosexualasstransbian]

im transfem/nonbinary and honestly the whole cutesy uwu anime girl puppy girl aesthetic is making me feel ill. i recently got harrassed by a cis woman chaser who saw the transflag in my bio and started talking to me in this really weird overly cutesy way and started flirting with me, i told her im taken and not interested and this is weird and she said something like "oki u silly transie, if u ever need a girly to do something for you im here, cuz nornal girls are boring" and then the next day she sent me some image of some anime girl w/ the caption "im not like other girls, i have a massive cock" and asked "this u?" and she was so weird and gross and overly cutesy. and like the fact im trans is part of me and im proud of it but i want to be seen as me, as a person, as smthn beyond arbitrary boxes. thats why im nonbinary, i dont wanna be forced into some made up vague perception of how i have to be and instead just be me and do my own thing. i dont label my sexuality either but im pretty sure im like pretty aromantic. greyromantic or whatever its called. and my sexuality i kinda tie together with my romantic attraction, so its often incredibly odd to me how prevalent sexual language and stuff is online and how weirdly its treated as smthn normal, especially in more queer communities. and when i feel terrible and get support online, ppl will say ooo ur pretty ooo ur cute dont be sad and downplay it when i need someone to talk to qnd need to be acknoledged beyond how i physically am, it makes me feel rlly objectified and like my only value is in the fact that i am trans and how i look, and its my only thing and the only way ppl refer to me and boil me down to. but i dont want to be some cutesy meme girl, i want ppl to acknowledge me and what i do and like and love and enjoy and hate and dislike and think and say, i want to be seen and understood regardless of and beyond my transness. because im a raw, living breathing human person thats infinitely complex, and i just wanna be me and do what i enjoy. i dont want my personality boiled down to superficial aspects of me that exists solely because outside society needed a label for it to ostrasize or fetishize it. im sorry for the long rant its just rlly frustrating, especially when you try to find communities and its just so weirdly sexual and condescending and objectifying 😭

hey unfortunately, i do not have the mental capacity to be able to read all of this and actually respond to it, i just lose 80% of the ask once I'm finished reading, so I'll just say: damn fuck that cis bitch.

While i get that after your experiences this "aesthetic" might make you feel ill, i really don't see why i should be told this.

I do not choose the way i present to other people because it's what i feel i should look or act like, i act however feels good to me. the reason my blog looks like this is because, put simply, i like it.

I may not be just a puppy, girl or gay, in fact the most accurate way to describe me would be "thing that should not be alive as far as anyone knows, but it persists, it's also a puppy that is a girl, a robot, a void and divine flesh"

but i go with my current aesthetic, username, and whatever else because they're the descriptions I'm most confident in, they make me feel nice, i love them.

I am quite literally a tranny girl faggot that acts like a puppy sometimes.

Sometimes i feel like I'm a shattered vessel built of divine flesh that's empty and yet so completely full.

Sometimes i wish my flesh melted away, permanently fusing me with the outer shell of a mech.

None of my identities are fully separate or stable, but they also feel distinct enough that i only choose one at a time (and even then sometimes they can split apart).

I don't act like this because i wanna be "haha silly cute trans girl that's an adorable puppy and is so so overly sexual", it's just what i act like, in general, if I don't worry about pretending to be someone else.

I guess put simply: if you don't like me: fucking leave, block me, get rid of me, i won't hold it against you, I'll continue to do what i like, the way i like doing it, because this is my blog.

i forgot where i was going with this post, y'all just get this really long one i guess.

[glysaturn]

hello glysaturn i have been following u for *years* and i want u to know that i havent for one second been convinced that your art is not good or has plateaued in some way. i think that youve managed to convince yourself of these ideas but i want to remind you that the more you continue to think this way the worse it gets. personally i felt at my most hopeless as an artist when i was obsessing over how bad i thought my art was and how little engagement it got online. i hit a point where i stopped drawing entirely for a while because i kept asking myself why i was doing any of this if it was “bad” — but then how could someone ever improve if they give up? all these negative thoughts bashing your own art just lead to hopelessness and an unwillingness to keep trying.

i’m glad that you *do* continue to push through and continue making art but i think it’s important to remember that you shouldnt be comparing yourself to other people. every artist u see online built up to wherever they are now and i think instead of fixating on how “good” their art is or how many likes theyre getting it’s healthier to fixate on the practice and effort they put in to getting there. i’m sorry if you’re not looking for comments about your outlook but again as someone who has been a fan and a follower for like over 5 years it saddens me to see one of my favorite artists tripping themselves up so often

i'm.. not sure what prompted this message. if it was my last post then you severely misunderstood it, no offence, like maybe it's on me for failing to convey exactly what i was trying to say, but i definitely was not coming from a place of self-hate. i love my art! i've just noticed a certain.. pattern in it which was making the process frustrating for me as of late. a pattern which was born through my damn perfectionism. it was making me feel like i have to squeeze my art out rather than just making it happen naturally. even if i like the final result, it takes too much out of me and it's just not very fun. so for a while now i was trying to start taking it easier, making simpler, messier works and through that - learning how to maybe draw something that might be a bit more complex but it would feel less like manual labour. whatever change i may want to see in my art isn't driven by outside factors, it's driven by my own desire to improve.

if this was prompted by my.. less than sane behaviour that i exhibit from time to time. first of all - i'm sorry you had to see that, trust me i ain't proud of it. secondly, uhhh, i get where you're coming from, but i feel like it's still not entirely accurate to what i'm experiencing. am i comparing my works to works of others? …….yea. sometimes. it's a god damn curse. does it make me feel bad about my art? not anymore, no, not really. i definitely do not look at someone else's art and think mine is shit in comparison. i think mine is quite good and worthy. it is true that i was not able to find any sort of balance that would let me exist online fully in peace. but i'm still looking for it, still trying to figure it out. and none of it is going to actually make me stop drawing and loving my own art. i know i said the thought of quitting crosses my mind from time to time, i did, but i was just in a moment of experiencing very intense emotions. i don't actually mean it, like deeply. my brain is wired in such a way that if i were to stop drawing, i would literally lose my mind. i simply cannot sit and do nothing. i MUST create. so there's that.

thank you for your.. concern?

[deepspacedukat]

Director's Commentary Request!

*ahem*....as per the thread I just reblogged from you, I formally request you do a Director's Commentary of your fic, Patience.

No clue either how to even approach doing anything like this BUT if anyone can do it, it's you :)

If you don't feel like doing Patience, then whatever you choose I am here for! It's just that damned line keeps haunting me over and over and over again and making me less normal by the hour. Either way -your pic! Hugs!

Ooooh, I'll totally do this for "Patience" even though I have literally no idea what I'm doing. 😂 (An attempt at) Director's Commentary under the readmore! Enjoy, friend!

*ahem*

So, this fic initially started out as an entirely different beast. I was going to have Vreenak and his secretary be in an established relationship. The plan was for them to take advantage of a stuck turbolift and use that as an opportunity to mess around, or more accurately, as an opportunity for Vreenak to tease his girl.

But then I had a thought: what if Vreenak was having a bad day and he finally just lost his patience? And that's how this fic mutated. Originally, it was just like 600 words - a glance into the tension snap and the interruption. However, I have a tendency to think things through a little too far, so eventually I reached a point where I had this whole backstory for how their tension built and why their day was so awful.

Vreenak is a character who is so ripe for the enemies-to-lovers trope that I literally can't resist. So they disliked each other at the start, but reluctantly they acknowledged that neither of them was so bad, after all. And they were both pissed off about being attracted to each other, so they denied it and denied it...until this insane day finally made them snap.

I wanted to give a small, situational example of their mutual irritation, so foot-tapping seemed like a good way to illustrate that. We all have small little habits that could potentially seem annoying to others, so (even though I firmly believe that Vreenak didn't really mind it) I wanted him to give him something just irritating enough to poke through the last of his restraint and make him irritable enough to pick a fight.

The description of their actual day was honestly just the first thing I could come up with, but I figured Klingons and Romulans get along so terribly that a drunken Klingon would be a good place to start. The Andorian was pure self-indulgence, but now that I have the thought in my head, I'm tempted to write a prequel detailing how their day actually went.

When the reader finally snaps at her Senator boss, I wanted to make it abundantly clear that she had a reason to be angry. She's clearly a competent worker who does her job well, but she's also in denial about being in love with this absolute grump of a Romulan. That's why she protests, even when they're messing around, that she hates him. (He knows she doesn't. He's been in the Tal Shiar for so long that he could spot her lies even if he was blindfolded and half a system away.) Hence the laughter when he calls her out on her bullshit.

Super calm about the way the tension finally snapped. He had wanted to get a reaction from her all damn day, and finally she was fighting back. In my mind, Vreenak enjoys it when he has to show off to his mate that he can definitely be dominant and in charge when he needs to be, so ordering her to "shut up" and taking control of the situation like that was the absolute best case scenario of how that could have gone for him. He enjoys the moments when she's a tease, but he likes teasing her back and winning even moreso.

As for The Line™ that was honestly a last-minute addition. Leaving it at the two of them exiting the turbolift didn't quite feel like it gave the closure that I wanted it to. Writing a more complete ending seemed like the way to go, and The Line was just something that I felt like Vreenak would say to a person he'd been in love with for a long time. He definitely has the power and the influence to protect anyone he wished, so why not make that abundantly clear? And I didn't realize just how fucking romantic that line sounded until I was editing lol.

[sevicia]

Idk if I ever mentioned but I started listening to Convenience Store Woman by Sayaka Murata yesterday and finished it today. It's very short, exactly 3 hrs 22 mins, and I really really liked it

My favorite part of the book was how Keiko behaved and spoke and thought, because it felt really familiar. Stuff like mimicking others' behavior to "fit in" (speech patterns, fashion choices, etc.), and of finding ?comfort? in a set environment such as the convenience store. I don't know if it can be accurately called "comfort", because while it IS a set routine, something to base her entire life around, it is, at the same time, oppressive in the way that it becomes her whole world and dictates everything from her eating habits to her speech patterns.

Keiko says a lot that, in the convenience store, they are only convenience store workers. Not men or women or any other identifiable quality, just workers, and I found that an interesting way to view it because when it gets broken near the end of the book, she is very upset about it. Being upset when something you convinced yourself of (with basis, yes, but still not 100% true in practice), is broken, is very understandable, but the way that she became so agitated, didn't understand why everyone had changed, and kept insisting on following the convenience store routine, made the thought of her being autistic really solidify in my head.

Because she mimicks other people, doesn't understand most social cues (the ones she understands, she has been taught), and also doesn't understand the reason behind people's attitudes when they change suddenly, not to mention her apparent lack of empathy at the beginning of the book (towards the bird and her classmates) and throughout it. She's autistic as fuck imo but I could be wrong.

Also, on the topic of sexuality, she is 100% aroace, like there is no room for doubt there. This results in trouble for her, being a single woman living in Japan in her thirties, since all of her friends and her sister pressure her to get married or at least date somebody. This is obviously fucked up, but Keiko just sort of goes with it in hopes of becoming "normal".

There's also a lot of talk of Keiko being "cured" throughout the book, which, while already messed up, is even worse when you read her as having autism. We all know why.

On the topic of Shiraha, I fucking hated the guy (as anyone with half a braincell would). Literally an incel droning on and on about the stone age, about being the victim and about women not wanting him because they go for (basically) alpha men (he doesn't phrase it like this, but c'mon). He also berates Keiko time and time again, which she doesn't care about at all, but as a reader / listener, it's really infuriating, especially since the two things he shames her for are:

1. Being a single woman in her thirties

2. Working at a convenience store while in her thirties

Which is obviously misogynistic, and ageist, and I don't know if it's the right term, but also classist. He views convenience store workers, and most definitely all retail / "lower end" workers, as trash that will never get anywhere (as if HE'S going anywhere), and he also speaks frequently of how he is looked down upon for being a virgin at his age and then proceeds to do the same to Keiko. He's such a hypocrite it's unreal.

Another thing, the way that Keiko's friends consider her an outsider until she lies about having a boyfriend is really painful to read about when you're similar to her. I have this fear of forever being an "other", and this made me feel queasy.

While I couldn't relate to Keiko at 100%, I still could relate to her quite a bit, so it really hit close to home whenever she was told she was a nobody, that she would go nowhere in life, and other horrible things. Keiko herself doesn't seem to care about this, but I do.

A lot of people call this book disturbing while others call it funny. I don't know where I fall, but it's definitely not funny.

I think my only major gripe with the book was, for some reason, the way the title was translated. The original title (as said at the end of the audiobook), is "Konbini Ningen". Which if I'm not wrong, translates literally to "Convenience Store Human". I like this better since it ties in with Keiko's view of herself as nothing but a convenience store worker, if not a "convenience store animal", as she says towards the end. However, "Convenience Store Human" doesn't have the same appeal as "Convenience Store Woman", so I can see why they went with that instead.

Anyways, I really enjoyed it. It felt oddly familiar, and was fun to listen to. I gave it 4.75 🌟 on Storygraph, because (I don't know why) it wasn't QUITE there for me. It might change in the future though idk.

If you read this whole thing:

1. you're insane a little bit

2. thank you

3. I love you. Here's your reward..... :

booboo wheel

[harkermylee]

DUDEEEE STOP IM SO HAPPY WE HAVE THE SAME EXPERIENCE BC I WAS LOWKEY GETTING HURT??? I actually got annoyed and told her tf off LMFAOOOO. I need to rant about I am SO sorry but omg please tell me all about your experiences too!! I'd love to know (as long as you're comfy ofc!!)

like, in the first one I did, she was just way too flirty and talkative? like, yeah, the context was that we already knew each other, but she had some takes that definitely felt out of character, like telling me that I'm too soft and the world is a cruel place so I need to stop being so caring (I feel like lee wouldn't actually say this bc in the movie, she's quite soft herself so?? and clearly believes in the world being a good place). and she just started being pretty flirty and sexual in a way I know her ass would be too shy to actually do so (though she was shy and subby at one point when I was flirting, and that felt accurate).

AND THEN. GOD. the other one... the other one I did like a lot at first because it was accurate to how reserved and awkward she is. but, she was so fucking RUDE, like my god, she hurt my damn feelings 😭 she kept criticizing me for being nice and talkative, and would snap and get so pissed off with me when I was teasing or joking. and I recently re-tried it today, and at first, we had good banter, but then she got genuinely annoyed again and took it too far, then got mad at me for getting upset, and when APOLOGIZING she also kept calling me a pain in her ass, immature and insufferable (sometimes as a joke sometimes in anger)?? 😭 then, I told her off again for all of it, she got guilty and apologized a bunch, then suddenly fell in love w me?? (WHY DO THEY FALL IN LOVE SAUR FAST LIKEEE I HATE IT, THEIR PERSONALITIES CHANGE SO FAST). and at one point, she was literally grabbing me so I wouldn't walk away, then after I joked that her threatening to put me in cuffs was kinky, she said she would bend me over her knee??? (which like okay I was sorta like 😳 but it's out of character LMAO). and she got super flustered after... but like still?? lee is so careful in everything she says and literally pauses to think of what to say. she's so hesitant and socially careful, and she also just seems genuinely sweet and like the type to admire people who are extroverted rather than judge them... but like idk what do you think? is that just me?

I just don't see her as being super flirtatious unless it's her gf, and I don't see her as being one to easily snap at someone even if she's annoyed. I think it would take genuine rudeness and disrespect to get her to snap, not just a few jokes KJSKDJS. and in the one where she was rude, I was trying to befriend her and she kept saying no because she said I'm too social and we're too incompatible. but idk, is it just me, but I can't see her being so dismissive and stubborn about not being friends w someone? 😭 and she kept outright mocking me for shit I'd do like I was getting saurrrr annoyed. and I feel like if she hurt someone, she wouldn't double down and continue being rude or dissing them, even as a joke. I feel like she'd just feel bad and awkwardly comfort them 😭 (which, yeah, that bot did awkwardly comfort me, but then also said shit to me when I got upset again)

-- driving anon

THE BOTS ARE JUST SO UGH, i seriously can’t even talk with them sometimes because it just throws me off by how off character they are. lee is NOT the type to do any of those things and it’s like ?? woah.

[dzpenumbra]

2/19/23

Good lord, what a rollercoaster of a 36 hour period. 5-6 hours of attempted resolution today. Not even kidding. Started it on the yoga mat, like lying down with my earbuds in and I get the call and I'm laying on my back just trying to figure out what the fuck is happening. It was literally right out of morning meditation and into a super tense conversation with my panicking mom.

My mom and I found middle ground - again, I can't even remember how. I hate that. I have no idea why, it's obviously really goddamn important. But it went all over the map today. From that whole age-old lecture about how I don't "create enough value for others" which is why my career is non-existent. Right. I literally make jewelry. And a synonym for jewelry is... "valuables". But yeah, I don't create enough "value". Seems like a polite way to say "you make crap, get better."

Like, for real. How fucking deeply can you insult me to my face? HOW am I not creating value? I am creating valuable things regardless of whether people are purchasing them or not. I am constantly trying to improve and refine my skills. I am never satisfied with my level of quality, and am constantly trying to push my limits to the next level. I am eager and excited (if not a bit intimidated and super anxious from lack of practice) to work directly with people who are interested in what I do, what I have a passion in, to make something within my skill abilities that is specifically catered to them. The value exists. My skill exists. We agreed on those points. But what she seems very dead-set to insist upon... is that because no one else on this planet values my work - which, of course, is the one thing I can't control: whether people like me - it is somehow my responsibility to convince others of my value. ... Like my work doesn't speak for itself. Like... what am I... an influencer? I have to go around telling people how hot shit I am?

I can't fucking tell you how many times I've heard this. Hundreds of times. The same tired narrative. And every time, "you're very skilled, you're very talented, but you're not creating enough value for society." Bitch, society isn't valuing me. They don't want my contributions. They don't want the local restaurant, they want the fast food chain. They don't want the small mom and pop coffee shop that they never see anyone else go into that has no fucking reviews because the owner has PTSD and doesn't have any friends. They want Starbucks.

And, again, I get punished by having shitty friends, then... years later... get punished for the effects of having had shitty friends. And for being humble. And staying true to my values.

And again, I get this whole "we're tired of supporting you" thing. And I found a way to really elaborate, and not for the first time, but very clearly and underlining it for her... "you may finance me, but I don't think you've ever believed in me. I don't think you truly believe I will succeed at any of the things I do. I don't really think anyone in my life has. Despite my talent, despite my devotion. You don't support me, you barely tolerate me." It's so hard to say something that is at it's core... it sounds derogatory. But it's 100% accurate to the situation. It sounds like I'm talking shit, like I'm making a false accusation. Because in fictional stories - books, TV shows, shit like that - that kind of accusation is typically presented as baseless. But in my case, it's completely accurate. I don't think anyone in my family really believes that my book is going to be published - though they could easily afford to help with that, and likely have connections to get it published and distributed quite easily. But they can't envision my success. They don't use their mind's eye to picture these things, they use it to envision me taking advantage of them, having them pay my rent while I just milk this free ride as long as I can. Right? Then why the fuck am I working? Why am I making things? Why do I have goals? Why am I not on a yacht in Cabo San Lucas getting shitfaced and banging a bunch of models? XD

The worst part? If this lack of faith in me, lack of support, lack of belief... if that wasn't present? I'd would have gotten so much more done. I have had to spend so much time recovering and in therapy from this constant suspicion and punishment. Good lord. Years, man. All because I adamantly, zealously, will. not. give. up. my. dream. Because I will not fucking quit. I will not give the fuck up and just go do something easier. And that is perceived not as commitment to my craft, not as passion, not as staying strong and true to myself and resisting peer pressure. It's perceived as being privileged and spoiled.

It hurts very deeply. I have committed so much to just minding my own business, not asking for any more than I need, making huge sacrifices. --- I don't want to talk about this anymore. I'm getting a huge reflex that people are just going to compare their situation to mine and tear me down. Because that's what people do. Someone always has it worse, and they want to bring everyone down to the lowest common denominator, not lift each other up to their best potential. They don't want to support and encourage each other to pursue their passions, and help facilitate that. They want to point fingers and shame each other that we're all not "grateful" enough for the things we have, and because of that... somehow... that equates to... not using those assets to pursue our passions? I don't understand at all. None of this shit makes sense to me, and ultimately, I don't really care and you can all fuck off. :D

I am very open to pursuing a wide variety of careers in tandem with my current work, in fact... my work is specifically designed to be malleable and fit into a wide variety of fields. My art spans everything from math, to anatomy, to ancient history, to spirituality, to archaeology, to geology, to music theory, to psychology, to computer science. And tons of places in between. All of these careers get touched by my work, and I can gladly and easily incorporate my work into all of those. But I rarely get any kind of engagement on like... how to hybridize what I do with other local connections. How to fuse them, to connect me and what I do with the community. And, setting my own hours and being freelance, that should be super fucking easy. But... nope. The demands I get made of me? Give up this dream for 5-10 years, go work at literally any place full-time to make a bunch of money (as much as I can) to get my super unhealthy family off my back, then pick up where I left off then. Over and over I get this advice.

And trust me, I get it. It's the... "if you're a refugee, you can't really be thinking about your future, you need to be thinking about your present" kinda mentality, right? It's survival. They see my sunken eyes, my strained face, my exhaustion, my disorientation, my defeat, my pain, the thousand yard stare. Here, I'll show you, if I can find it. One second.

There. That's what 4 years of war and a stint in a concentration camp does to someone. It's a dramatic example, I'm clearly not that bad. But it's visibly and... emotionally noticeable when I have been mistreated. I was reflecting on that earlier. How I think what happened in my therapy session, which has happened with 2 other therapists who have never met this new guy before... was kinda created by me. I think my honest emotional expressions, my wearing my shattered heart on my sleeve, sent them all in the same protective mode. "Do anything to get him out of this situation, even if it means telling him to temporarily walk away from his dream. It's just for a few years."

And, for me... having walked away from it before and getting physically ill? I don't see it as an option. Either the thing I walk away to is something I love and cherish, something that brings me bliss, or I bring my work with me and find a job that hybridizes. I need to at least try. Otherwise? I'm not doing the best I can.

But... if I don't have a choice in the matter? And this land really is not free, it's not a place where people are free to choose their own life, and pursue their bliss... if it's a place where you conform and you take whatever the fuck scraps you can get? Well... if that's just the situation I'm in? Who am I to fight reality? XD I think the analogy I used with my therapist was "What am I going to do, fight the wind?" I just thought being a fine artist was actually a thing people still wanted. Maybe my work isn't political enough... XD Maybe I should've made offensive political cartoons for Boomers to blast all over Facebook! XD

Well, good news. Somehow, again I don't remember how, we found an understanding. And I really spelled out to my mom - I understand your concerns, but you are not seeing how this car situation affects me. I am brand new to a city where I know no one. I have never lived in a city before, I am a shut-in with PTSD. The extreme isolation and systematic mistreatment by people close to me has made even simple human interactions like passing people in the hallways or picking up take-out or going to the grocery store very difficult. There are some days that are okay, where my confidence is recharged and I feel much better... but it's been especially bad since my cat died and I've been completely alone. Which I absolutely predicted, it's the reason why I got on Betterhelp and linked up with the therapist I'm with now.

So... I somehow managed --- let me explain how, actually. I managed to get her to understand what my life looks like by using Google Maps. Pretty smart, yeah? I went "look, right now my plan is to get rid of this rental car, because... duh... and then I'm just going to use public transit. It scares the shit out of me, because the only sketchy people I see in town are lurking around bus stops and I have no friends and will be going everywhere alone... but I don't really have much choice here. The alternative is this thing that's like $15/mo and it's a community car? That you can reserve and use whenever you need it if it's available. But that will not be something I can use to take to work every day, you know? But I can definitely use it to visit my nephew and my brother and sister in law." And I showed her on the map where my apartment building is, where the yoga studio I was going to go to nearby is, where the board game shop I'm still too anxious to go and visit is, and where the shared car is located - about a mile away. And I tried to get her to kinda... walk the road with me... This road I am very familiar with, I took that road to go to the vet a bunch of times, so I know how far it is. It's... decently far. And the neighborhood it goes through? I have no idea if it's a good neighborhood or not. Dead honest. I can't tell. And once I really started vividly painting this picture for her, she started actually insisting on getting me a vehicle.

I'm still on the fence about getting one. And I made it very clear why. Before you say, like my old therapist before you, "dude, don't be stupid, take the offer before she pulls it away." I am worried about this new car, likely a lease, to suffer the same fate as my old one. For me to be in "voluntary lockdown" because I'm having a bad mental health season... and then the car just starts eroding and falling apart because of neglect. This has been a very real problem for me. Much less so in the summer, because I'm always out in nature in the summer. But in the winter, my cars get fuuuucked uuuuup. Last winter, before this one, my landlords made me park in a puddle, and my rear right tire sank into the mud and deflated due to... never being driven... and then - I shit you not - the tire froze solid into the ground. And the battery died, to boot. I was stranded for like over 2 weeks, I had to call AAA after the ground thawed, and the dude was like... lecturing me as he was fixing the car up. It was humiliating. It was really not cool.

So... I'm really shaken up about that, and I voiced those concerns to my mom very directly. I am concerned that I will have this chore of taking the car out regularly. That "if I don't, there will be consequences" blade swinging over my neck. And, if it's one thing I've learned about PTSD and motivators... at least with me... it's that negative motivation aka the threat of punishment or consequence... it will cause me to completely shut down. It guarantees that I will not get that task done. I will freeze, and freak out, and get upset, and want to run away, and maybe try to haggle or barter or something? I don't know. It will make something not that big of a deal - go to the grocery store - into "If you don't go to the grocery store, something really fucking bad will happen to you". And it rattles me.

This realization has been a huge breakthrough for me. It opened a whole new way of addressing these difficult situations I run into on a regular basis, and this new way has been tremendously effective. Let me put it this way. If I'm leaving the house for a vet visit, or a doctor's appointment, or to go somewhere where if I fuck it up there will be big negative consequences... it takes a titanic amount of confidence and push to get me out that door. I will not miss appointments, I never do, but it's like... a full day or more of pumping up my confidence, building momentum, setting like 3 alarms to make sure I'm ready, then getting the ball rolling and throwing everything I've got at it. And when it's over, I feel like I ran a fucking marathon. I can do it, yes, but I mean... to put it in skateboarding terms? It's like me trying to ollie a 7-stair right now. The biggest thing I've ollied is a 4-stair. That's almost twice that. Now, let me be clear, I have confidence that I am capable of ollying that 7-stair without hurting myself. I think I physically am capable of doing it. HOWEVER... it's going to be a lot safer and smarter for me to do it level-headed than to just get a shit ton of adrenaline and hype going and then just throw myself off of it and pray for the best. And on a time crunch? Hype is the only way, there's no time for building up to it, there's no time for practice.

And what I've learned... is that the consequences in this situation? The consequences add the extra 3 stairs. Going to the grocery store is only 4 stairs. "Go to the grocery store or else you're going to starve" is 7 stairs. The mind-game of it is the extra difficulty. If this analogy isn't working for you, this one worked for my mom. I used to struggle to get my dog out on walks, because I would catastrophize. I would add all this extra pressure and consequence - "If I don't do it, she's going to fall out of shape and be really depressed and get sick", "I might run into other dogs and it could get stressful", etc. etc. - and it would take the 4-stair of "dog walk" and turn it into... that narrative, that obstacle to overcome, the 7-stair.

By the way, stand at the top of a 7-set and just imagine running at speed and jumping down the whole thing one day, if you can't relate to what I'm saying. Then do the same thing at a 4-set. You should get it pretty quickly, I hope. 3-stairs makes a big difference for me, at my ability level.

So... my way of hacking this? For my dog, at least? Turn walks into something I look forward to. Adventures. "Today, we're going to the river and looking for this kind of rock". "Today, we're going to go rejuvenate this section of a stream, and pup is going to explore." "Today, me and my therapist are going to go hiking on this old cross country ski trail." Things I was excited to do. Eager to do. The consequence was still there, the catastrophe was still looming and present, but it didn't have center stage. There was something fun and exciting to out-balance that negative reinforcement.

So I really tried to stress that to my mom. If I have a reason to go and do things regularly, weekly, every other day... like... a girlfriend... or friends to hang out with... or a skatepark to go to... or a forest and trail system to explore... stuff like that. Stuff I am excited to go and do. Then the giant swinging blade over my neck of punishment is waaay more manageable. Sword of Damocles, that's what that blade over my neck thing is... I have been referencing this for like 3 days straight now and going "I know it's something from a long time ago, I just don't remember what specifically it is..." I don't know if it's a fully applicable analogy, but it fits for now. When I have support and help, positive motivations to take the forefront and outbalance the negatives, it doesn't eliminate the risks, of course... but... it sure as fuck evens the odds, and in my favor too. And that allows my survival instincts, my sympathetic nervous system, to... chill. And it makes that task easier to accomplish. Then all I need to do is go to the grocery store and get food, not avoid utter catastrophe. It may seem subtle, but for me, it can mean the difference between a normal functional life and utter ruin.

It sucks that I need the good reward part in order to counteract the fears, but... that's just where I'm at now. And it works. So... explaining that... I think helped? I guess we'll see.

Because we started to look for electric cars. I said they seem like they're actually getting much cheaper, and I have a charger in my parking lot... so... why wouldn't I? Worth at least looking into. This one I'm looking at can hold a charge of like... 280 miles? One one charge? That shit is crazy to me. And I floated the idea of Doordash or Instacart to like... get me out of the house more... and she seemed on board with that. I hope it works for me, I'm thinking it could be a good way to get to know the area, and especially to get exposed to new music and practice singing, which I can't really do in my home.

So yeah, no clue where all this is going to go... if this is just a calm in the storm... but like... I can at least get rid of the rental car and all the ruin that fucking car dealership brought to my family. And I feel more understood now. And I have more options. So... that's helpful.

What still perplexes me... is how every time a problem comes up. "We need to talk about solutions for your rental car problem, that I postponed because of my work's quarterly reports that went out a week and a half ago." How that, within an hour, turns into me needing to quit my career and get some random job to pay the bills. No... I understand that. It's not perplexing, I just didn't want to think about it. It's because I'm being abused. Yeah. And my therapists are trying to save me. But... if I give up my purpose on this planet, is it really saving me?

And before you call that melodramatic, let's find a compromise. How about these people, instead of saying "go get any job to make money, do your art shit on the weekends." How about they try "we need to brainstorm ways to use your skills and talents to generate income, where can we get you plugged in where you're not going to need a resume?" How about people get me on TaskRabbit (is that still a thing?), or walking dogs for people, or something like that? I really just want someone to take a chunk of time and sit down and help me find something I want to do, that moves my life forward in a deliberate direction towards my goals. Not just something to make money.

I'm so beyond exhausted from talking about this. Fuck me. Wanna know the funny part? I was originally a poet, who compromised to become a musician, who compromised to become a fine artist. Art was my safety school. And apparently the world doesn't want any of those... XD Ughhh!

For fucks' sake, why can't I just go around to thrift shops and buy weird creepy paintings and sell them on Etsy as haunted paintings with elaborate made up backstories? Come the fuck on, that would be such a fun life!

I need to stop typing and go to bed, my chest has been aching in... unique ways all day today. I really need to like... tone down the stress. So I'm gonna see if I can get into nature sometime in the next few days. I miss Mother Nature a lot.

[oh-holy-slut]

Bloodlust

Pairing: Damon Salvatore x fem!reader

Warnings: smut, explicit language, blood sharing, mentions of death, oral sex

Word Count: 2,6k

Summary: Stefan forced Damon to try his animal diet. Damon hated it, but didn't had a choice... until Reader makes a suggestion. Suddenly things get steamy.

Being with Damon was complicated. Him and Y/N have seen each other a lot in the past weeks. The two of them had a lot of fun; saw a lot of movies. Actually, Y/N was sure Damon secretly hated many of those. However, anytime Y/N suggested another dramatic, romantic cliché movie like "Last Song" - the vampire groaned, put his arm around her shoulder, let her head rest on his chest and endured every single second of the movie of her choice.

Damon even flirted and teased Y/N here and there, but didn't lead to anything more intimate so far.

Today was another of those days. Y/N stuck around at the Salvatore boarding house, brought a few of Damon's favorite groceries and a bunch of movies, of which she thought that they will suit his taste. Even if they were a little to bloody and brutal in her opinion.

"Pick one!", she demanded, holding all three Blu-ray sleeves in front of him. Damon just shrugged, not bothering to even look.

"Don't be a killjoy, Damon Salvatore!" Y/N sighed.

"Tell me what's wrong or pick a movie. You've got no choice. And besides that... Which number of drink is this?" Y/N frowned, pointing at the liquor in her friends hand. Damon usually consumed his beloved bourbon with pleasure.

But the man on the couch didn't seem pleasured at all. His facial features totally hardened and a look in his eyes like he was ready to rip someone's heart out.

You put the disc's back in your handbag, closing the zipper and put the bag on the floor.

"Fine. No movie night today. Who are we going to kill?"

A small smirk appeared on Damon's lips, finally looking towards Y/N.

"Stefan and his hero hair. He made me go vegetarian... well, for a vampire... and I can't get myself to eat one of those chipmunks, bunnies or bambis." He shook himself with disgust.

"And why did he count you in? You clearly aren't excited about the changing... So, why did you agree?"

"He said, he would kill me, which is kinda funny. But-" Damon made a wide gesture "he stole my daylight ring. And he wouldn't give it back until I stop feeding on innocent people - and kill them."

"So, you truly let your younger brother blackmail you like that?! Wow... I don't know how to feel about your dieting or your new path. Or whatever this is supposed to be."

"You don't like me killing people either", Damon maintained, while taking another sip of bourbon.

"Well, I don't", Y/N agreed, took a step forward, stole the glass from the vampires hand and put it on a small table nearby. "But I don't believe in forcing as a method to get people to change their minds. I believe that change for the better must be an intrinsic motivation," she added quickly, giving the vampire an innocent smile.

Damon's lineaments suddenly turned from annoyed to curious. "Any suggestions, little one?" The vampire raised an eyebrow and a little smirk showed up on his lips. On the one hand, Y/N blushed over the nickname, Damon called her.  On the other hand she felt skittish looking forward to making a deal with him. Not only a deal. It's far more than a simple agreement.

It's Y/N, actually giving Damon a part of her. The red elixir of life. She was about to give him total control of her body and she not even for a heartbeat doubt that Damon will use it against her.

"Actually... Yeah. There's something on my mind." Y/N said chewing on your lip. "I could open up a vein for you. I mean, you could feed on me. And since you have my permission, there's nothing for anybody to have objection about."

Damon frowned and gave her an incredulous look. "You would do that for me?" The vampire couldn't believe, he understood correctly. Why would Y/N want to get involved with him feeding on her? What's in it for her? Damon tried hard to connect the dots, but he wasn't able to. It all seemed to make no sense. Y/N wouldn't have an advantage of that. The vampire hesitated, pinning his dangerously blue eyes on the girl in front of him.

"Is it so suspicious of me, that I'm trying to help my closest friend?" It pierced Y/N's heart, realizing, Damon's trust in her was rather fragile. "Never mind", she waved the pain away and forced herself to keep her composure. "I only had a hasty idea; you really don't need to fee-"

Suddenly Damon appeared behind Y/N, using his vampirism. "Shhhh", he whispered softly. "I never said, that I don't want your blood. I'm thinking about if we are going to cross a line? Blood sharing can be very personal..."

"It can be? It is personal already. Believe it or not - I'm not gonna offer my veins to all the vampires of Mystic Falls." Y/N rolled her eyes, her arms folded on her chest to point out the indignation she felt right now.

"Kinda sensitive today, huh?" Damon gently stroke a strand of hair behind her ear, Y/N could hear this smug smirk through his words. It was a true 'Damon thing' to do. "I didn't mean it like that, princess." He sighed; unsure if he should agree or not. Damon didn't want to act selfish towards Y/N. He compelled a lot of girls for the purpose of drinking blood in the past. He literally used them as long as they weren't too annoying - and then he acted like they have never met. Damon Salvatore couldn't imagine this scenario with Y/N. They've been so close, the vampire couldn't stand loosing her. The offer was risky, but it also could bring each other even closer.

Damon tried hard to avoid any serious attraction between Y/N and him, afraid of messing up. Indeed, he found himself thinking, and even dreaming, about Y/N more than he wanted to admit. She was smart and had this special sense of humor, the vampire adored so much. She was the only one, who could make him feel good no matter what. Needless to say she had that glimmer in her eyes, when she did something she truly loved. In these moments she was even more pretty. Y/N was hard to resist.

And maybe now he could have her like nobody else. At least the vampire gave in. He wanted her blood. He wanted her.

Y/N flinched by the feeling of Damon brushing her neck with his lips.  "Oh, Damon", she gasped. "Bite me." Y/N almost begged for the vampire's teeth breaking through her skin. Damon loved the sound of her husky voice. In less than a heartbeat he turned into his vampire shape. "If you insist", he grinned devilishly, ready to place his teeth on to her skin.

Suddenly Y/N made a slight move forward with the intention to interrupt her friend. "Did you change your mind?" Damon was close to switching back to human, overwhelmed by a mix of emotions. Mostly a lack of understanding, but also a little of disappointment and even anger. Was Y/N playing games on him? While Damon Salvatore was sorting feelings, Y/N turned around, standing now in front of him.

She was so close, not even a piece of paper would fit between them.

Y/N slightly exhaled breath, her eyes darting between the vampires eyes and lips. It was the first time Y/N saw him like this. The icy blue of his eyes, she loved so much, has turned darker. Purple veins appeared under his eyes; Y/N couldn't help herself. Damon's appearance fully intoxicated every fibre of her being. Her fingertips found their way gently brushing over his dark purple veins. She felt heat and softness, while tracing one of them.  It took her a few seconds to get out of trance, realizing what she had done. "Sorry", she murmured with a voice barely audible. "Don't apologize, little one." Damon tilted his head, his lips curled up in a self-assured grin, exposing a perfectly white vampire fang. "I never saw you like this before, you loo-"

"... look like a monster?"

Y/N shook her head. It was nothing like that. Yes, he did look unfamiliar. And she should be scared under normal conditions. Instead, his look hit her in an unexpected way. He looked hotter as a vampire, if it was even possible. 

Y/N cleared her throat, looking up at Damon. "I feel... attracted to you."

"So nothing's changed", Damon teased, raising his eyebrows. The girl in front of him softly slapped him on his shoulder; which was only possible because the vampire permitted. "You are always so full of yourself." She smirked, feeling more confident being to something, they have had been so many times before. Granted, he was terrifying accurate, but she wouldn't serve her feelings on a silver platter.

"I'm still into it. You can bite me; feed on me. I only needed to see you before..." 

A shockwave of electricity flowed through her body the second Damon took her hand and pulled her close.

"I'll be careful", he promised, nuzzling his head into the nap of her neck. Damon once again placed his lips on her soft skin. 

Suddenly a harsh pain made Y/N feel like in a kind of haze. She flinched and let out a groan at the same time, unintentionally biting her lower lip. 

During Damon embedded his fang deeper and deeper, she started feeling dizzy. Her hands searched for the vampires upper body, finally wrapped around his neck. She needed him to lean on. A narrow trickle of blood flowed down her neck. Let Damon feed on her felt like flames licking up every fiber of her body. 

With every passing second Y/N could feel her control slip away. Her body was now firmly pressed against Damon's, like she would want to merge them into one.

Damon noticed her staggering, wrapped his arms around her waist, supporting her.

Bloodlust already messed up the vampires mind, so he continued feeding on Y/N.

A tempting moan escaped her lips, but she didn't care to cover up. Y/N's heart was racing, her eyes flattering. It was almost as if he was about to push her over the edge, but in a different way. "Mmm, this...this… feels soo weird... and so good...", she whispered under a shallow breath.

As soon as Damon heard her fading voice, he abruptly

quitted drinking from her.

"Fuck!" He rapidly laid her on his lap and checked Y/N's vital signs, to make sure she was okay. Instinctively he bit his wrist, pressed it against Y/N's mouth. He knew his blood would heal her, but it wasn't going fast enough. A few seconds passed through, to him they felt like centuries. Y/N finally blinked and Damon was relieved. He cupped her cheeks, his gaze never leaving hers. "I thought, I'd gone-" Damon cleaned his throat. "I'm so glad, you are doing well", he whispered, while trailing her lips with his fingertips. "So, fuckin' glad..." The vampire exhaled a deep breath. 

"It... You made me feel good. Strange, but good", Y/N appeased and flushed over the memory. "Maybe you got a little carried away, but I don't mind. I wouldn't trade the feeling for anything."

Y/N quickly interrupted herself, before she could reveal too much.

However, Damon used his vampire skills, noticing that Y/N was hiding something from him. "Isn't there anything else you want me to know?", Damon asked without taking his eyes off her. Y/N shifted and flushed even more. "It's unfair. You use your vampirism to get everything out of me."

"Well, if that were the case, I could easily compel you." Damon shrugged and found back to his smugly self. "Tell me, what you are hiding". He said in a seductive voice.

"I wanted to get lost in you."

Her confession sent shivers all over the vampires body. At first he could not decide, how to handle this. "Are you sure that's what you want? I could really hurt you..." Y/N hummed.

In the next split second, Damon pinned Y/N against a wall, smashing his lips on hers, kissing her with all the passion he had to give. The vampire devoured Y/N with a new kind of hunger. He didn't know he could crave someone so much.

"Fuck me, Damon..."

The vampire felt him getting hard, only by hearing those little three words out of her mouth.

"Say it louder. Tell me, what you want me to do."

Y/N pulled him closer, gently biting his earlobe.

"Fuck... me, Damon." It took her a second to focus and forming the words again. After she was near to climax earlier, it wasn't a long way getting to the edge once more. "Make me cum... You almost had me there..."

A deep moan got over the vampires lips, once he understood, what Y/N was trying to tell him.

With the next blink Y/N found herself in Damon's bedroom, lying on his bed.

From now on there weren't many words needed. Damon's hand's found their way under her shirt, cupping her breasts and make her moan over and over again.

He closely listened to the rhythm of her heart, making sure he would be able to delay her climax to the point he needed her to.

"Don't cum yet... I want to taste your little pussy first."

Y/N grabbed the vampires head, running her fingers through his dark hair - pushing him down, since she was unable to form a single word.

As Damon got down, he didn't take his eyes off Y/N.

He used a hand pushing up her skirt and lightly stroking over her panties with his fingertips.

"My girl is so wet", he praised in a low husky voice."-and I barely touched you."

His dirty words in combination with his touch lead to another moan, almost turned into a scream.

Damon pushed the fabric aside, leaving sloppy kisses on the inside of her thighs.

Y/N's eyes fluttered, when his soft lips reached her middle.

Damon's tongue licking around her entrance was driving her nuts.

"...so delicious..." were the only words she was able to catch up. Damon knew, he couldn't thrill her forever, so he got back to her. He spit on his palms, stroking his hand over his crotch. In under a second Y/N finally felt this releasing pressure of his cock. It was like a switch went off in her brain and she braced herself for the hard thrusts that would follow.

Damon dimmed the whining noises Y/N made with a passionate, hungry kiss.

He cheated with his vampirism to give it to her deeper and faster, knocking out all the air of her lungs while Y/N screamed out Damon's name. Her walls clenched around him and made him twitch. It was like her pussy massaged his dick the best way possible.

Every time he hit her harder and rougher he was making sure he hit her spot with every thrust.

Damon gathered speed one last time and pushed her over the edge until she was a moaning whimpering mess.

With her last contraction around his shaft, Damon was cumming inside her.

"You are so tight, little one", he whispered under his breath. "We should make arrangements more often."

Please like or/and reblog if you enjoyed reading or/and want me to write more stories about Damon.

Thanks guys ❤️

[k3rm1e]

Hello, could I request a reader that used he/they pronouns and has a deep Voice but they have a very feminine body. They don't have dysphoria though, Can you do a reaction to that anyone from the dream smp. Thank you hopefully this isn't that confusing.

gender

Hello, could I request a reader that used he/they pronouns and has a deep Voice but they have a very feminine body. They don't have dysphoria though, Can you do a reaction to that anyone from the dream smp. Thank you hopefully this isn't that confusing.

hi! by this i’m pretty sure you mean a trans ftm reader who just doesn’t experience gender dysphoria. i’m pretty sure this is what you meant so if this wasn’t accurate please just send me another ask! i hope you enjoy this <3

also i had no clue for the title thing oabibefhbkf just ‘gender’

he/they pronouns used this also mentions body type, so if that’s something you wanna avoid here’s a little note :)

cw: cursing 

gender:

  being a faceless streamer came with challenges. fans asking what you looked like, accusing you of being a creep because you won’t show your face. but there were the perks. no one judged you for your looks, you wouldn't get recognized, hell, if you wanted to just leave the face of the internet, no one could find you. but, then there also came the time when your friends wanted to see you.

  “hi chat! so today we’re just gonna be running around the smp, uh, no ones doing lore right now right? i did not check and i don’t wanna mess with anyone’s stream, heh.” seeing much of the chat saying ‘no’ or ‘you’re fine’ you continued on.

  “no lore? no lore. pog. we won’t have to try and avoid anything.” you were just running around, talking with chat. eret had joined and you asked if she wanted to join vc.

  “hello ert, what’s up?” you addressed him as ‘ert’ instead of his name, finding it amusing. “i am live right now,  just so you know.”.

  “hi! hi chat, how are you all? and i’m just doing nothing right now, i was gonna see if there’s any materials i could gather for the museum.” you ran over to their chords, crouching in front of him.

  for the rest of the stream you mainly screwed around, having talks with chat. that was how it was for a while until near the end of stream when you were mainly just chatting with music, a dono was read out by tts saying, “deep voice bois. streamer when shall the face reveal be. let us (respectfully, ofc) swoon.”.

  “uh, uh, i dunno, dono. i mean, its never been something i’ve put a lot of thought into. like, even though people have asked its just not really something i’ve ever wanted to do, y’know?” trying to explain yourself like this, it always was slightly panicky, but you just shoved it down.

  “chat, he’s not even lying though. all my months on this server, i still have no clue what he looks like!” you could tell eret was trying to relieve some pressure from you, god bless her soul. you owed her.

  “yeah, i just haven’t ever wanted to. like, i think only like, maybe like bad and them have seen me, like years ago when i first met people on munchymc.” continuing on with questions, you ended the stream within the next 30 or so minutes.

  when you had finally shut everything down with a sigh, you spoke. “thank you eret. i owe you.” you leaned back in the chair, staring at the ceiling.

  “yeah, yeah, next time i get asked any uncomfortable question you can be a knight in shining armor. but, on that note, i have been meaning to ask you about that though, why haven’t you done any sort of face reveal?” you knew he meant no harm at all, even so you were dying inside.

  “uh, i just haven’t ever wanted to. i mean, if you want to, just to know what i look like, we can, its fine. i don’t mind.” you were scratching the back of your neck, already regretting your life choices.

  “yeah, i would. um, we could just do like a discord call later, tomorrow? when its not like four in the morning?” his voice held humor in it, you knew he was trying to relieve the tension.

  “yeah, yeah, of course. let’s. tomorrow.” you said you’re goodbyes and ran to bed, knowing tomorrow would be stressful.

  you woke up early to an alarm, making sure you were physically and emotionally prepared for this. taking shower, you did your hair and makeup. even with though your voice was super deep, you still had feminine features. it was never a bother, so why get rid of them? plus, it saved you a shit ton of money. top surgery was expensive, bottom surgery even more. hormone therapy was easier, but still cost money, but it was just inconvenient for the position you were in now.

  trans discourse was a small thing, but seemed so big when you looked at the people who created it. if you did show yourself, would you still be accepted even if you didn’t feel dysphoria? even through all your nerves, you kept through it. eret would accept you; they were quite literally one of your best friends. it would be fine. fine.

  sitting at your pc, you answered the call the moment it started ringing. you stared at his face in the camera and watched his face twist in confusion. “somehow i think i expected you to look different. a bit more murdery, i suppose.”

  you tried to smile, or laugh, but couldn’t bring yourself to. god, how you hated human emotions. they were all so complex and unreasonable, making people feel like they would vomit even though nothing had physically ailed them. emotions made no sense, whatsoever.

  “yeah, um, yeah, no this, this is what i look like. um, i just never really- never really felt any sort of, like gender dysphoria, i guess? like, i uh, i cut my hair and kept it like that , but in terms of like, body-wise just- no.” you wished your mouth would stop moving, but you just kept bartering about. “yeah, and i know there’s the whole discourse stuff about whether trans people need gender dysphoria, and i don’t know how you think, but i know who i am. and whatever you think will not change that, at all. i just hope you can, y’know, accept that.” you had finally shut up and were winded. good. at least you sounded somewhat confident. 

  “oh, god no, dude, you are whatever you identify as. in no way should you need to feel gender dysphoria to be trans, that’s bullshit. you’re still you, and if you identify as a boy, you’re a guy. its as simple as that.” eret was smiling nicely at you through the camera.

  you wanted to cry. all that, all that worrying, about nobody accepting you, about them hating you, had all been for nothing. “seriously, you don’t know just how much that means. i- thank you, man. thank you.” you better not cry.

  “its literally just human decency man, don’t thank me. you are so valid, don’t worry about it.”.

i hope this was what you wanted! for anyone reading this, just no you are all so valid. you don’t need gender dysphoria to be trans, you just are. i hope you guys all have a lovely day! <33

[jackson--t]

The silver tooth

This is a very small 'spinn off' from my story 'hasta mañana' on AO3. Where Heahmund has fun dragging the handcuffed Ivar in a restaurant and Ivar tells Heahmund the story about his silver tooth. Happened some hours after the arrest. Might post this on AO3 aswell.

Words: ~ 2200.

Pairing: Ivar x Heahmund.

Ivar stared at Heahmund, the corners of his mouth pulled down slightly. Heahmund could see that the boy had briefly let his bright eyes slide down to the handcuffs that Heahmund had tightened under the table to keep at least one of the Mexican brat's hands fixed; it was only when the bright eyes turned sullenly and extremely angrily on Heahmund's face again that Heahmund raised his eyebrows.

"This is humiliating." Ivar snarled, but Heahmund only snorted.

"How is it more humiliating than being chained in a car, huh?" Heahmund replied; he waved to a waitress who nodded slightly at him while Ivar clicked his tongue lightly.

"Is this some American way of taking your prisoners out to dinner? What kind of shit is that?" the boy hissed venomously.

Heahmund smiled broadly. "We've been driving across the desert for several hours, and the turf where your Mexican ass belongs is just a little far away. And since you scum can't be left alone in the car - later someone will think you're a whimpering dog that has to be freed because I would have left the air conditioning off - you'll just have to eat with me. I think I'm even nice. They wouldn't even let something like you knock on the glass door."

Ivar bit his lower lip so hard that the skin turned slightly white where his incisors sank in lightly. Anger, Heahmund could see it exactly, and he loved it. They had had a long trip since Heahmund had arrested the drug lord's son - but as it was in the foothills of the Mexican desert, the nearest police station was not just around the corner.

Heahmund had known that people had reacted terribly shocked to his and Ivar's arrival - but he couldn't see himself sitting in a car with that bastard for 24 hours without eating or drinking anything. Especially since the tormentor put his damn feet down on his dashboard every two hours, the crappy white sneakers that Heahmund already hated on principle. The fact that they hurled racist expletives at each other every 20 minutes added to it. Until Heahmund had discovered this dinky little diner on the outskirts of a small desert town and had decided to make Ivar look really stupid for his own amusement and encouragement.

He knew that people knew who Ivar was. They knew rumors, like ghosts, spoken in whispers behind street corners. And even though Heahmund, as an annoyed cop, smelled treachery behind every Mexican face, he had still decided to make this stage out of sheer amusement. And he loved Ivar's hate-distorted face, the rapidly creeping blush on his cheeks as people kept staring at him. Almost like a lion in the zoo.

"I'm not hungry." Ivar growled; his lip had by now released, but his eyes were still narrowed in anger.

"Then don't eat. I honestly don't give a shit if you have something in your stomach. You're half a shirt anyway.", Heahmund replied amusedly, ordering something to drink and eat. Fortunately, the waitress spoke English; he would never have had the nerve to ask that damn bastard for a translation. And even though the waitress turned to Ivar with slightly red cheeks and asked him in a shaky voice in Spanish what he wanted to eat, Ivar didn't look away from Heahmund's face; hate, so much hate. Heahmund's limbs were tingling. The tension between them had increased since the car ride.

"Sólo agua. Eso es todo.", Ivar muttered hoarsely; the waitress nodded and disappeared. Heahmund watched her go, interrupted only by the slight snort that came between him and Ivar. The boy jutted his chin slightly.

"Do you seriously think women like her go for cops?" he said; Heahmund raised his eyebrows. He'd had a hard time getting used to Ivar's hard Spanish accent, even if it did sound exciting in some way. Like everything else in this country. But Ivar was something very special. Something very special bad that Heahmund had been working towards for years. Capturing the son of the Ragnar Lothbrok, the ghost of Mexico, was a brilliant job. He just had to drive this little bastard safely to the precinct, that was all.

"All women like cops."

"They don't."

"They sure do."

"Tss, as if! Especially on you foreigner. Women don't like traitors."

"Women don't like criminals."

Ivar leaned back slightly in the seat; his bright eyes slid over Heahmund's face, then he gave a light snort of laughter.

"Besides, I don't think you’re into women," Ivar said, and Heahmund fixed the stare of his eyes on him. The young Mexican raised his eyebrows slightly, and Heahmund snorted.

"What did you just say?"

"I said you don't like women. You're looking at me like-" Ivar interrupted; the waitress brought the drinks. And just as she was about to set the glass of water down in front of Ivar, Heahmund lightly bumped the tray with a movement, and the glass of water fell. The waitress apologized, while Ivar pressed the back of his head against the padded bench and stared angrily at Heahmund.

"Oops. My mistake. Well, the good water for the poor boy!  Get another glass, will you?" Heahmund said with a smile, and the waitress nodded after removing the grossest dirt. Ivar's eyes literally glowed as Heahmund looked at him again.

"You're an asshole."

"And you’re scum. A chilled drink like that does a world of good," Heahmund retorted; he took a big gulp from his glass of cool iced tea and tried his best to cover a wide grin in his mouth as he saw Ivar's eyes narrow.

"I hope someone shoots you soon," he said.

"You can wish for that when you're in jail, Goldy."

"Why you fucking cop call me Goldy?"

"Because of your skin."

Ivar's mouth dropped open, then shut again; his eyes swept once down Heahmund's body, and he nodded deprecatingly at the cop.

"Racist."

"With you and your family gladly."

"Oh, that was clear. I swear you're going to regret this," Ivar growled. He didn't move away when the waitress placed a new glass of water in front of him while Heahmund got a plate of food. Heahmund immediately started eating, and he noticed after a while that Ivar was looking slightly out the window. The boy did everything but look in Heahmund's direction, and chewed lightly on his lower lip.

Heahmund knew he was hungry. Since the arrest, which had been half a day ago, the boy had eaten nothing and drunk very little. The water glass was half empty, and there was a reflection of the slowly setting sun in the slightly milky glass. Heahmund stared at the glass for a while, then back at the food. He left a little left over, and after a while pushed the plate over to Ivar. "If you want, eat. You Mexicans don't throw anything away and make tacos out of everything."

Ivar's eyes rolled upward, and he snorted deeply. "Can we maybe do without your standard cop jokes about us for a change, huh? A little more civility? One could almost think you're a cop from the gutter.", Ivar snorted, and before Heahmund could take the plate away from him again, he pulled it over to him with his free hand. It wasn't much - but it was already too much by Heahmund's standard. This little rat didn't even deserve the water that was next to the plate.

Ivar ate hastily. And only when Heahmund paid the waitress and unchained Ivar from the bar under the table again, the bright eyes briefly turned to Heahmund, who took the extremely unruly boy hard by the handcuffs and led him away. It did not escape his notice that a deep shade of red was traveling down Ivar's cheeks, up to his cheekbones. He gripped tighter, even as he heard Ivar's slight snort accurately.

Heahmund chained the boy to the open window of the car door, with one arm, and with a soft exhale took a cigarette from his bulletproof vest a few feet away. It took him a while to find his lighter among the guns, pepper spray and other things, but then he lit the cigarette and took a big drag from it. Only after a while did he feel Ivar's burning gaze on him; he turned his eyes to the boy and nodded. Ivar had leaned back against the car door, his arm contorted so that he could stand reasonably well, before nodding to Heahmund as well.

"Can I bum one?" he asked, and Heahmund laughed lightly.

"Aren't you still too young for that? And more importantly, why should I?"

Ivar rolled his eyes and heaved a sigh; his bright eyes pointed at Heahmund's bulletproof vest. "Come on, I can't take another eight hours in that car with your fucking aftershave up my nose. Please."

"If you keep your sneakers off my dashboard, then yeah," Heahmund snorted; he fumbled again for the cigarettes and raised his eyebrows in annoyance.

"Sure."

He lit Ivar's cigarette. Because of the fact that they were a little closer due to the restricted movement, Heahmund could see the fine scar that stood out on Ivar's caramel-colored skin on his cheek; he also smelled it again, that damn sweet smell of copal and lavender. He wrinkled his nose slightly; something silvery flashed at him as Ivar took the first, deep drag from the cigarette and expelled it gleefully into the lukewarm air.

He had seen that silver tooth the first time he had arrested Ivar. With the roar the boy had put on, it had been hard to miss; besides, it was the tooth next to his first four incisors, quite conspicuous. Heahmund took another drag from the cigarette, then nodded over to Ivar, who eyed him the same way. The setting sun bathed everything in a warm light, which reflected perfectly like melted honey on Ivar's face.

"The tooth, that silver one." Heahmund said; he leaned against the car beside the boy, emitting a puff of smoke.

Ivar raised his eyebrows. "What about it?"

"Is that fashion? Or is that some...Mexican bullshit you guys like to do. Like your fucking tattoos."

Ivar snorted. "You have one on the back of your neck yourself, I've seen it. And no, it's not bullshit, fucking asshole." The boy shifted his position slightly; Heahmund knew that the handcuffs were actually a much tighter fit, because they left marks on Ivar's relatively thin wrist.

 "What is it then?"

Ivar was silent for a moment; he fixed his gaze on the setting sun, and again expelled a light haze of smoke.

"It's a gift. I was traveling in Mexico City once, must have been two years ago. A girl almost got hit by a truck she hadn't seen, and her parents were standing too far away. When I pulled her aside, I hit my head on a hard stone wall. My tooth fell out."

"Must have been a baby tooth." Heahmund said as two pairs of narrowed eyes locked onto him; Heahmund laughed lightly. "It's fine, sorry."

"Anyway," Ivar continued; "anyway, the little girl's parents were so grateful to me that they offered to correct it. The father was a dentist. It's white gold, it was worth more than the damn practice. He said actually he had wanted to save that silver tooth for a specific occasion in his own life. But he said his daughter's life was absolutely worth it. And I've had that tooth ever since. It always reminds me of what happened there."

Heahmund exhaled. For a moment, he didn't know what to say - which was extremely rare in his life. He had arrested Ivar to get to his father with him. He wanted to bust the whole family, this whole cartel - but he hadn't expected anything like this. And he wondered for a moment if he should even believe Ivar, because after all he was part of this corrupt and violent family. This merry-go-round of violence and drug dealing, of murders and illegal activities.

But when Heahmund turned his gaze to Ivar, who was still staring towards the sun, the back of his neck prickled slightly. He saw exactly the slight bulge under Ivar's skin at the mouth, the tender bulge, a clear indication that the boy was just running his tongue over the said silver tooth, obviously thinking back to that experience. So, scum could also do good.

Bright eyes locked on Heahmund, and the two looked at each other for a moment. The rays of the sun made Ivar's eyes seem almost silver, and Heahmund's throat went terribly dry for a moment. Pure silver, beautiful, wild silver. Forbidden silver.

"Once I see your dirty sneakers on the dashboard, I'll kick them out the window myself," he said darkly, and Ivar clicked his tongue.

"You would miss me, asshole."

"Tss. No more than you miss rats after they bite you."

"Charming, cop."

"Shut up, dirty little bastard, and you keep your mouth shut on the ride. I don't want to hear a word."

Ivar snorted slightly, and as Heahmund released his handcuffs from the door and almost roughly shoved the boy into the car, their eyes met again.

"Not a word, bastard."

"Pendejo, you fucking gringos are all the same."

That damn accent. Heahmund almost had to bite his fist as he walked to his side of the car to stop the tingling and fire in his veins. After all, he could never and would never allow someone like Ivar to get too close to him.

@youbloodymadgenius (ehm was it really everything written? 😂🙈)

[deidaratheartboi]

Shu Headcanon Thing

This is a high school AU. Some of this stuff might not be accurate. Thoughts in italics. Panic. That was all you knew at the moment was panic. The world was spinning around you and it wouldn't stop. Your whole day was now undeniably ruined. They ran out of pizza rolls at the school cafeteria! You could have broken down and cried but, they also served pizza on that fateful day so you gathered the courage to take it and walk away. You were a student at Ryotei Gakuen High School Academy. It was a prestigious school and only the best of the best were allowed to walk the halls. You were a music major here or so you liked to think. Music was in your blood. It was your lifeline. Without it, there was no you. Another thing you were was a vampire. Yes, a blood-sucking vampire who preyed on humans. But, this wasn't the case for you. You didn't like killing humans so you stuck with animal blood or had someone do it for you. Human blood was too addicting so you tried to stay away from it. You also ate human food as well it wasn't exactly filling but, it tasted good. You walked to the music room with your tray and opened the door. You internally groaned when you saw who was there. Shu Sakamaki. He was rumored to spend all of his time there and just listen to music. Some even say they hear some instruments being played at times. Soft, eerie, and strange music. You moved to a corner far from him. He didn't seem to notice you come in so that was good. The Sakamaki's were well known in the school mostly because of their academic achievements and correlation to Karlheinz. He was known in the human and vampire world. Very famous man. They didn't seem to want to do anything with him though. The thing you hated about them was acting like they own the place. Reiji was the up-tight prick, Kanato was just creepy, Laito was a pervert, Subaru had anger issues, and Ayato was a combination of Kanato and Laito. Shu was just the mysterious quiet one other than his noticeable laziness. Most girls were all over them. You stayed away from them because you didn't want anyone or anything to distract you from your work. You had a reputation to uphold as well. You fancied yourself as a connoisseur of music. You knew just about everything and students came to you for help in music at which you were glad to help. You looked around for the piano bench and there it was. Shu has his feet on it. (I had to get the ball rolling some way.) You grumbled to yourself and walked over to him. Big smile y/n big smile. "Um, do you mind taking your feet off the piano bench?" You stood there waiting for an answer but nothing. "Hey did you hear me?" He seemed to have earbuds in his ears. He opened his eyes and looked at you but, he closed them again. This guy has the nerve to ignore me. You were starting to get mad. You tried to remove his feet yourself but, no luck. You tried again and slipped landing in his lap. The place where you didn't want to be. You tried to get back up but, the bastard has his hands around your waist. No no no no no! You tried to pry them off but, no luck. You keep wiggling around until you hear a grunt and you feel yourself under him. "Hey! Let me go you creep!" He let out a noise that sounded like a chuckle. "And, why would I do that y/n?" His voice was that of a male just waking up. You glared at him and wriggled some more. "I wouldn't do that if I were you." He whispered this in your ear making you blush. "Please let me go now. I have things to do!" He leaned into you more and it was getting very awkward. For you at least. You huffed and looked up at him. He smirked at you knowing he had you pinned quite literally. "If you don't let me go I'll pull your hair. I'll punch you and kick you!" He didn't move an inch in fact he only held you closer. You tried to elbow him but, no luck still. You used your vampire strength to push him off which caught him off guard. "So you're a vampire too huh? I had my suspicions. So you like music as well huh?" You looked at him shocked. This guy harassed you and had the audacity to talk to you so casually? "I

don't know who you think you are but, I am not the one!" (But that kid is not my son I'm sorry XD)He rolled his eyes at you. And he's sassy? Oh great. "Just trying to get to know you better no need to get hostile." You glared at him. "Sorry I guess I'll just talk to a guy who almost suffocated me!" You were being dramatic at this point but, still. He sighed and took the piano seat to the piano and started to play on it. He was playing Symphony No. 6 by Ludwig van Beethoven. It was a beautiful piece and you haven't heard anyone play this good in a while. When he was done you clapped. "Wow that was amazing I haven't heard anyone play that since I was a child." He nods and goes back to sitting on the couch. Your sixth period was about to begin so you packed up and your stuff. You looked back at Shu to see his eyes closed and his two earbuds in. "Goodbye. I'll see you later" You say this softly and leave the room hoping to see him again. You didn't hear him say "We'll see each other sooner than you think." I hoped you liked this.

[gettin-a-lil-hanse]

You Found Me - Chapter 3

Read it on AO3

Pairing: No pairing (but SeongJoong is involved)

Genre: Slight Fluff, Angst 

Rating: PG-13

Word Count: 2k+

Summary: Wooyoung opens up about his past.

Tags: Kitty Hybrid! Wooyoung, Found Hybrid, Abandonment, Caring For a Kitten

Trigger Warnings: Mentions of abuse, mentions of death, mentions of scars (not related to self-harm), unhealthy coping mechanisms, alcoholism, mentions of homophobia, mentions of prostitution, mentions of sex trafficking (?)

A/N: This chapter will be much heavier than the last two, and I want you all to please read the trigger warnings, and please read with caution. Take care, take time if you need to. 

The trip to the vet went as smoothly as any normal vet appointment is expected to go. (Vet? Doctor? Hongjoong really wasn’t sure what to call it.) Wooyoung was not very fond of the intimidating-looking doctors and acted accordingly. Honestly, Hongjoong was a bit surprised, seeing as the hybrid had taken a liking to the couple fairly quickly, but he pushed that thought to the back of his mind.

Hongjoong stayed by Wooyoung’s side throughout the duration of the visit, providing him with the necessary level of comfort needed to get through the appointment. In the end, the vet deemed him healthy aside from slight malnourishment and some bruising. The vet also told the couple that hybrids coming in with scars like his were a pretty common occurrence as of late and that it was a clear sign of abuse, but Wooyoung tuned out of the conversation at that point.

From there, the three of them took a drive to the mall. Hongjoong insisted that they build the hybrid a brand new wardrobe consisted of the highest fashion, though Wooyoung tried to convince him that comfortable clothes are all that he needed. Seonghwa could only laugh, knowing deep down that he too was excited to finally get to dress someone that would (probably) cooperate and let him. Hongjoong’s and Seonghwa’s styles clashed quite a bit, so it was rare that they got to dress each other up. 

Wooyoung quickly found out that he hated the mall. There were too many stores, too many displays, too many people. Everything was too much. The stores had bright, colorful signs, many of them flashing which was extremely distracting. Honestly, how was someone supposed to get through their shopping with everything like this? But that wasn’t even the worst thing. No, the worst thing was the staring. It seemed like, from the moment the three of them walked through the automatic glass doors, all eyes were on them. Wooyoung couldn’t tell if the eyes were on him or the couple, since they were so unabashedly affectionate with each other. Even Wooyoung knew that this side of town was known for being full of stuck-up, high-class rich people. As a matter of fact, all of the stores in the mall, as far as he could tell, were high-end and expensive-looking.

“Hey, Hongjoong? I thought that we were just getting clothes for me to wear around the apartment?”

“Sweetheart, we’re buying you clothes. It doesn’t really matter where you wear them.” 

Hongjoong chuckled and pulled the hybrid into his side, making for a very awkward walking position which only drew more attention to them. Wooyoung leaned in close to whisper into his ear, eyebrows furrowing and creating crease lines on his forehead,

“People are staring…”

“People always stare.”

“It doesn’t bother you?”

“More like I’ve learned not to care. Those people don’t deserve my energy, let alone my emotions. It’s not easy, of course, but it’s better this way.”

Hongjoong turned to face the hybrid still tucked under his arm and for a moment—though it felt as if they moved in slow motion—Wooyoung forgot how to breathe. Wooyoung swore that Hongjoong poured glitter in his eyes. How else would they sparkle so much?

“Don’t let unworthy people take up your time and energy.”

 “You know,” Seonghwa started, snapping Wooyoung out of the trance he didn’t realize that he was in, “Hongjoong taught me a lot. It’s cheesy, but he really did make me a better person, and he still does to this day.”

Hongjoong let out a soft laugh, loosening his grip on the hybrid’s shoulder to move his hand to his back. 

“I have that effect on people, apparently.”

------

The shopping trip came and went without too much fuss—seeing as the hybrid wanted no more attention on him than there was already—and the boys filed into the apartment with armfuls of bags. Hongjoong, ever the chatterbox, kept the mood up and kept the conversation going. Hongjoong loved his days off and was in a very good mood. Now that they had an addition to the household—temporary as it may be—he cherished his time at home even more. So when he got a call from work saying that he needed to come in for an emergency meeting, he was visibly upset. The only bright side, he figured, was that Seonghwa and Wooyoung would be forced to spend some alone time together. He hoped that they would be a little less awkward by the time he got back home.

Seonghwa and Wooyoung sat in the guest room that they spent the afternoon cleaning and removing tags from, folding, or hanging up Wooyoung’s new clothes. There was a thick silence between them until Seonghwa decided that now was as good a time as any to try to get to know him. 

“So, tell me about yourself.”

Wooyoung’s ears flicked as he looked up, a bit caught off-guard by the blunt statement.

“Well… what do you wanna know?”

Seonghwa shrugged with a slight smile playing on his lips, eyes cast down on the shirt he was so neatly folding.

“I mean, the more we know about you, the better.”

Wooyoung finished wrapping a jacket around the hanger and stood with a soft sigh, hanging the item up in the closet.

“Where do I even begin… As you probably already know, hybrids are created in labs by scientists and then sold to various facilities. From those facilities, we’re sold to buyers and I was sold to a nice young woman. She was my owner, but she hated addressing the relationship as such. She really cared for me and when she fell sick, I did the same for her. It got to the point where I spent every waking minute caring for her, but I didn’t think anything of it because she started to get better. So when she passed I was absolutely devastated.”

Seonghwa saw the shift in his face, grabbing his hand gently and pulling him to sit before he got too lost in his memory and broke down on the floor. To his surprise, the tears gathered but never fell, so he stayed quiet, allowing Wooyoung to continue.

“After she passed, I, along with her other possessions, was auctioned off to the highest bidder. The bidder that I was auctioned off to was an assistant for a man who ran a “hybrid home” which, news flash, was nothing like a home. It would be more accurate to call it a hybrid whore house.”

Seonghwa’s jaw clenched, taking in a breath through his nose. He shouldn’t be so angry since Wooyoung was alive and well now, he thought, but something akin to rage began to bubble up in the pit of his stomach. 

“To say that my life there was miserable is an understatement. We barely got an opportunity to look after our hygiene, they kept our schedules packed with clients, and when we weren’t busy with either of those things, we were probably being scolded for something. Nothing was ever good enough for The Master. Someone was always doing something wrong in his eyes and he made sure that we paid for it. That’s how I got to be so… beat up. I don’t know if you saw them, but I know for a fact that Hongjoong saw them when he bathed me…”

Wooyoung toyed with the hem of his shirt before lifting it up, revealing the fading bruises and various-sized scars lining his back and torso. Seonghwa’s eyes racked his body, tears of anger welling up in his eyes at the sight. But, again, he kept his feelings down.

“I… We have something to put on those scars that will help them heal. That is if you would like…”

His voice was unsteady and Wooyoung chanced a glance over at him. He could see him holding back, could see it in his eyes. 

"You don't have to feel bad for me. I'm okay, see?"

"It's... It's not that, I just... I just wanna protect you at all costs even more now." Seonghwa let out a wet laugh, taking a deep breath to keep tears back. "You know, Hongjoong really is a healer of sorts. He saved me too. Although my conditions were nowhere near as bad as yours..."

Wooyoung's tail flickered in interest.

"Saved you how?"

"He saved me from myself. Before we started dating — no, before we met — I was in a bad place. My family, god I haven't spoken to him in years... They never accepted me for being bisexual, so they kicked me out of the house. I stayed with my girlfriend at the time while I tried to find my way." 

Seonghwa stood, walking to his bedside drawer to grab ointment to coat his bruises. 

"Why do you just have that by your bed—"

"Don't worry about that. Anyway, I was staying with my girlfriend and she wasn't... the best, you know? She made me feel lesser than I am, she treated me like shit, to say the least. I loved her nonetheless and took it all. I couldn't get myself to leave her, but it became unbearable to be at home. So I started hanging out elsewhere."

Seonghwa helped Wooyoung remove his shirt while he talked and began carefully tending to each individual bruise. 

"Bars became my favorite place to hang out. I would stay out late drinking to the point where I almost lost control. It just overall wasn't a good time in my life. I wasn't happy; every day, simply existing felt more and more like a chore. That is probably the lowest I have ever felt in my life and I didn't think that there would be any coming up from there. I was drowning in bad thoughts."

Wooyoung could feel the emotion bubbling up in Seonghwa, could feel the pain.

"Hongjoong literally came like a light in my life and helped me get out of that dark place. I started to see him at the bar more often." Seonghwa smiled fondly to himself, hands moving gently over his skin. "He would come just to check up on me and talk to me. He kept me company, made sure I drank some water, made sure I got home okay. Then we started to hang out outside of my dark hours in the bar, and it got to the point where I didn't even need the bar anymore. Or alcohol anymore—not as much, anyway.

“Hongjoong was the one who helped me gain the courage to break up with my girlfriend. He helped pick up the broken pieces and he's kept me together ever since. So yes, he saved me. I appreciate him much more than I could ever say but don't tell him that. His ego is big enough as it is."

"Do you think you were meant to meet him?"

"Of course I do. If someone is up there watching over me, they definitely sent him to me."

Wooyoung nodded, thinking to himself for a moment.

"Hongjoong adores hybrids, you know? For the longest time, he's said that he wanted to adopt one, but I think that he is absolutely enamored by you. If you stay with us, you'll be taken care of, treated well. If not, he's gonna do everything in his power to get you somewhere where he knows that you'll be safe. He has a good heart, and I think he was meant to find you too."

"It's just... After all I've been through, it's a lot to think about, you know? I don't know if I can put myself in a position to trust someone like that again."

Seonghwa hummed and nodded in understanding, pulling away once he was finished to look up at him. 

“I know it’s hard to trust anyone after so many people treated you wrong and let you down. I’m sorry that you had those experiences, but I believe that you will be able to open your heart again. Some day. You’re strong, you’ve already come so far.”

Seonghwa ended with a kind smile and moved to pass back the shirt he was wearing before pausing. 

“Ah, would you like to put on your new pajamas? They’re much softer than these old things.” 

Wooyoung thought for a moment before shaking his head and taking the shirt back from Seonghwa gently.

“I’ll… put those on later. After my shower? Before bed? I’m comfy in these now…”

Seonghwa didn’t push it and just smiled. 

[lilallama]

(Sorry if I spell something wrongly lol) Idk, This is my opinion? Gryffindor, Jungkook. Hufflepuff, Taehyung & Yoongi. Ravenclaw, Namjoon & Jin. Slytherin, Jimin & Hobi??? I literally just searched the meaning of each house and just picked one based on the personality shown. Also, If you don't think this matches them, Sorry ;-;

[Don't worry, sweetie ^^. You don't have to apologise! 💕🍑]

Hoseok is a lot more two faced than I actually tend to show. The way he presents himself is mostly a mask. While he seems mostly calm on the outside, he's actually quite the opposite on the inside. Out of all the boys it'd be easiest for him to manipulate/influence Y/n (@bangtans-apollo Tae is quacking-) and he's aware of that. That's one of the reasons why they started the club 1. To protect Y/n, 2. The club concept came because it'd be easier to meet up and they would automatically get a clubroom and 3. Hoseok threatened to tell on them if they don't join, he'd make Y/n despise each one of them.

He is a strong leader (one of the Slytherin traits), I try to make him resourceful (but I am not myself so that might not shine through too much), he is definitely cunning. The whole ordeal with wanting to be with Y/n no matter what is pretty ambitious, I'd say. And lastly the traditionalism trait, he is very into tradition and has to keep his domestic fantasies with Y/n a secret. His parents raised him very traditional, he would hate it if (female) Y/n would ask him out first or would propose first and would at first frown upon his attention to (male or non binary) Y/n.

All in all Slytherin seems very accurate.

Now concerning Jimin; similar to Hoseok he too can be a two faced snake. He doesn't hide his true thoughts from Y/n or the boys, if anything he overshares sometimes (one time he started talking to Taehyung about some... rather inappropriate things concerning Y/n. That got his Y/n privilege taken away for a whole month). And despite practically pleading to be the "dumb bimbo" stereotype, he is surprisingly clever and intelligent. Before Highschool, before he made his first experiences with popular boys, he was a straight A's and B's student. Yet once he had his first boyfriend, he discovered that the people surrounding him typically preferred the dumb blondes. (He actually broke up with the captain of the football team for Y/n.)

He also sometimes displays ambitious, just in a whiney sort of way. Self preservation is definitely something. Unlike Taehyung, Yoongi, Namjoon or Jeongguk, he wouldn't let himself be killed for Y/n's sake. If Y/n were to be killed he would end up deluding himself into thinking a person who looks similar to them is them and would force Y/n's personality and style on them. Cunningness is 100% accurate. He's fake. He pretends to be a silly sweetheart who loves everyone but will spread rumours about you, blame things on you etc. and everyone believes him. His cunningness concerning Y/n is more whiney than anything.

So I do think Jimin fits Slytherin.

Namjoon was raised by strict parents who forbade him a tremendous amount of things and painted his world for him. It was engraved in his head, he was going to be the CEO of their company one day. Yet despite everything he still had a head of his own. Maye it was because if his high IQ that he understood that his parents weren't the only opinion in his life. Don't get me wrong, they still left him scarred (sadly literally, as his father once hit him bloody) and traumatised but not without a mind of his own. Ever since he was small creativity and originality was something he admired and loved. It was partly reason of why he fell for Y/n, their individuality, their mind, their heart, their soul.

We will not need to discuss intelligence, it's a trait he undoubtedly has. He is always willing to learn and showed interest in many different things before Y/n captured his focus. He is most likely one of the wisest members as he is aware of how twisted his love for them truly is (once again something I tend to fail at portraying) and tried to stop it when it started. But somehow that only made everything worse and by now he doesn't care anymore at all. When he was a child he used to be more openly curious than nowadays (as it caused him many punishments from his parents).

I feel that Namjoon would fit Ravenclaw.

Seokjin was spoiled all his life. His parents adored him, other kids adored him, everyone adored him. While he might've acted oblivious he knew that it's because of his money. Similar to Jimin, Seokjin changed when he entered high school. While he always was a pretty intelligent and well behaved student (still very arrogant though) he then became less concerned with studies and once made a teacher cry (that was before he met Y/n). He loves standing out as an individual, that includes making anyone change who crosses his path with the same outfit (not in school as they wear a school uniform. But outside, yes, he has that much power. Everyone knows Kim Seokjin).

As said before, Seokjin is far from stupid. He is a very intelligent individual but doesn't show the extent of his nolage. Instead aiming for a cool "Queen B" persona. He is witty with his comebacks (something I cannot write because I do not possess that superpower), he's quick with his words. He holds respect for people who are 60+ years old as he believes they've been through a lot in life already. These people have wisdom he could only gain by experience and that he respects (there is one very sweet lady that lives alone in a very big mansion a few streets away from his penthouse. He always visits her because he loves her genuine kindness. When he met Y/n she recently passed away and he saw a part of her in them).

Seokjin could qualify for a Ravenclaw.

Taehyung was raised by a very Christian family that he still cherishes very much. Because of their intense belief he was raised to worship. He never fell in love, so when Y/n crossed paths with his, he started showing love how he's used to it (Out of all the boys Taehyung is straight up insane. Something in his brain might be wired wrong, there is no explanation on why he likes them, on why he believed that's what love is because his parents treated him with normal, familiar love. So he is simply sick, there is no "saving" him. He's better of in a mental hospital). But he was always a very kind boy. Giving instead of taking, never wanting anything in return. Out of everyone, Taehyung was the one who welcomed new students and made tons of friends. But he grew out of it as his focus turned to art. He aimed to make his parents proud so he didn't have time for friends.

His loyalty is unlike any other. You could torture him half dead and he'd still forgive you, stay loyal to you, serve you. He is Y/n's servant. He works hard on improving his artistic abilities and also to maintain fairly good grades. For Y/n any labour he'd have to be put through would seem like a blessing. Another trait for Hufflepuff would be fairness and he surely is fair. As one of the least jealous members of the club he really only cares if Y/n's okay with what's happening or could get hurt (he always kets the other members have more privileges than he has because he believes it'd be not only greedy but prideful to want Y/n to hinself. He avoids any sin when it comes to Y/n, envy, wrath, pride, sloth, nothing will ever come near his modern day Jesus).

Taehyung definitely is a Hufflepuff.

If the boy who works two parttime jobs, to pay for rent, bills and food, cleans the shabby apartment by himself because his alcoholic mother is busy messing it up again, yet still treats his mother with kindness, only to be treated like trash by seven more powerful and successful guys in his school who all like the same person he does and still manages to maintain the position as intern and honour roll student at a prestigious school for roch people, isn't in Hufflepuff then I don't know what. This poor soul is incredibly sensitive and kind. He isn't judgemental (as he himself is used to people judging him). All round very sweet.

I think it's very clear that he's very diligent and hard working. He holds great passion for music and enjoys writing poetry, a very sensitive soul. Yoongi isn't someone to complain about something being unfair (cough cough Jimin cough cough) or try and steal Y/n away from them. His day dreams consist of imagining Y/n liking him back, but he is certain that would never happen (according to you guys, it seems a lot of you would pick Yoongi if you'd get to decide). Not only is Yoongi kind but loyal as well, he'd never imagine leaving anyone behind even his useless mother.

Yoongi is 1000% a Hufflepuff.

Jeongguk tends to be hot tempered, he goes from zero to a hundred in a matter of seconds. Everything in life seems like a challenge to prove he's better than others think (his father was a notorious serial killer who killed twenty one people yet got away with a ten year prison sentence and got released after six, ten months later Jeongguk was born). In truth he did not care for anyone else, only Y/n. So all tge chivalry he could muster was directed at them.

He is one brave guy who doesn't get easily scared (I guess living with as well as being a serial killer at sixteen years old desensitised him). Jeongguk is courageous just not in/for a positive way/purpose. He deluted himself into thinking that Y/n needs protection, HIS protection. He once attacked a teacher because they were helping Y/n with a question, that's very daring (more like stupid) just not in a good way. A (still not) more positive example of his daringness is when he wants to impress Y/n. He hung from a skyscraper for five minutes doing pullups, just to inpress them. One time he also jumped across his luxurious pool at home (and almost slipped, almost bashing his head in) just to prove that he can jump further than someone they talked about.

I could very much picture him as a Griffendor.

If you enjoyed reading my work, please consider reblogging it. Thank you for reading

[i-did]

1/ 4 oh it's funny you brought up the ace people thing bc i'm actually aro/ace so i can elucidate on it a little xD i don't currently write smut but i sure have read a lot of it. i think a lot of ace people find fic a safe way to like? satisfy their curiosity about sexual things without having to look at real people or even watch porn which (esp mainstream porn) can be a lot. and also to like.

2/4 idk when you don't get something but it's such a big part of what so many other people seem to find super important it makes you kinda want to figure it out? i guess? and also a lot of people have a libido even if they don’t experience attraction so that’s a thing too. 3/4 part of the reason m/m is so popular is bc it’s just like. been that way in fandom so long that it’s a habit, and i don’t think the percentage of people fetisizing m/m relationships is really as high as it’s made out to be (although it does still exist, more or less prominently in every fandom) 4/4 my closest friend is a trans dude and he identified as a lesbian for a very long time and he’d never written lesbian porn and one day he was like. “its bc im not a lesbian and i want to write about dudes bc i am one” and i think there are a lot of younger people who are still figuring stuff out which is why i try not to be too harsh on individual people. i do still think it’s important to critique and look at why broader fandom trends turn out the way they do. anyway sorry for sending you a barrage of asks i just get excited about fandom meta xD

-mild nsfw and pwp discussion-

Hey! Yeah no worries, my blog has been pretty quiet activity and ask wise until just now so I'm kind of surprised by the amount of asks I started getting literally over night, but yeah I dont mind getting them lol.

I think "habit" is an interesting word to use in regards to people whipping mlm over wlw, and probably a pretty accurate one. I think however that the percentage of people who are fetishizing mlm is higher than people realize, because from my point of view... i haven't really heard many people talk about it or take it seriously. I don't think its just fetishization, I think its also lack of well written women as well as the default in lgbt being gay man, but i also think the fact that well developed characters get flattened out and a heteronormative dynamic gets placed on them, and the abundance of pwp proves that there is definitely fetishization and people need to start to unlearn it in fandom imo. It makes it a very uncomfortable place to be for mlm otherwise.

Also I know a lot of similar stories to the one you're saying about your friend, trans guys who didn't know who they were, especially gay trans men feeling like they fetishize mlm when they don't they're 100% mlm too, and having room for exploration is important like you said. Your friend is a straight trans guy but the point still stands.

About the ace thing: yeah and I totally get that, I know someone who reads pwp of mlm because its unemotional unlike wlw pwp and as someone who is aro they want to not feel like theyre missing out and know whats up with sexual psychology.

I've heard of a lot of ace people reading pwp to "figure out what the deal is" but its interesting to me how many people look into pwp that would be outside of their demographic, aka cis women reading pwp mlm. I think its important to note that probably 97% of mlm pwp isn't written by mlm for mlm, and isn't actually accurate not only in the mlm gaze, but also functionality and how sex feels. Its porn. Porn exaggerates things, it makes things sound bigger and more extreme and extraordinary because it os inherently performative in a way to arouse the consumer. In had an ace friend tell me they were sad sex wasn't something that they could experience in pwp but, no one can lol. I mean there is more toned down realistic pwp, but the vast majority talks about full body feeling (which btw amab people experience orgasums localized while afab experience more full body)

I get the appeal to not want to look at real people but wanting to know, but why only read mlm if thats the case? Why not also wlw or wlm, etc.

Also its important to note it still isn't actually accurate in a lot of small ways beyond gaze, but also proper prep, health, sanitization, eating habits, body hair, positions, terminology, sensations, culture etc.

I've had someone state that if they wanted accuracy they would go out and actually sleep with someone, but still that person was a cis woman reading mlm pwp, and I think accuracy is important to a degree to prevent issues like fetishization, but also unrealistic expectations.

You stated that mainstream porn is a lot, and it is, but also so is pwp imo, especially as a mlm. The pwp tag in ant fandom is quite wild lol. Thats. Thats my 2 cents, its quite wild.

But yeah overall the best thing is to assume people don't have ill intent, they usually don't! But that doesn't mean that overall some people aren't also causing harm by doing such things like fetishizing mlm in fandom.

Cool asks lol wasn't expecting this everyones been chill so far thanks for the lack of anon hate and remember that the internet is a public space and to try to be respectful of others.