#even if temporary. i'd try to find their replacement while they are still in the company and can teach new people everything they know | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thebunniwagon · 2 years

Note

ok i'll bite, i'd love some fluffy reader x N headcanons pls /w\><3

Ok let’s see!

N x fluffy you!

When you and N first started to date, he would often make metal flowers by using the parts of deceased drones, his own way of trying to make amends to the worker drones.

You’d rarely make flowers, using the rebar and scrap metal you’d find around your temporary base, before handing the flowers to him with great care and love.

One day you and Uzi managed to find some covers that the humans used, you’d kept one of the covers for a secret project.

Sharing a blanket, you were the little spoon while he was the big spoon, his arms surrounding your torso. There wasn’t much living space on the spacecraft, so Uzi made the suggestion to relocate to another place, everyone agreed.

Even before you both started to share secret smooches behind the tower of corpses, you made sure to keep an eye on N, after all he is a murder drone. A drone that eats your kind, propagated by cruel gods who would surely genocide you all.

When N snuck off for the first time, you grabbed a hidden shiv that could kill something with a well placed strike. You carefully followed N to where he was going, hoping to get rid of a potential threat. Scared that N is secretly going to call his fellow drones to put an end to you. He was cordial with you, but you figured it was an act.

You’d caught up, ready to fight the drone, only to find him digging though some rubble. Your steps are silent, until you step on a can, alerting the drone.

You hid your shank, while he got up hiding his own secret.

“H- hey… N”

“Oh uh, y/n, I didn’t know you were following me”

“What do you have there?” N shuffled in place, his interface about to run an excuse program, as he blubbers up his words. You let go of your shiv, careful to use your heel to cover it with the ash. Realizing that N most likely would’ve been able to kill you in a second, your paranoia slowly starts to subside, accepting that maybe you were wrong about N.

“It’s a gift, for someone…” he says, still idling in place, softly blushing.

“For Uzi?” You reply, hoping to find out what he’s hiding.

“Uh, for um, you…”

He finally reveals what he’s been hiding, a small snow globe in pristine condition, he hands it to you while blushing. You accept the gift, happy to see that N thought so highly of you. You feel a little guilty, first for intending to harm and betray him, and secondly for not showing him your token of appreciation.

Ever since, you’d make gifts for him in hopes of matching the snow globe he gave you. Unfortunately, there isn’t much to craft with in the wasteland, at least to make something decorative. You’d both scavenged together, shooting quips at each other while Uzi reminded you both of your duties.

One time you suggested that he’d find a new hat, one that you conveniently managed to find rather quickly, skipping over valuable resources that Uzi asked you to bring back. They can wait, it’s not like they’re going anywhere, but this chance is quick to disappear and is seldom rare. You yonk the hat, and offer the hat to N, he declined of course. He really likes his pilot hat, so you figure that you would modify it, better than replacing it.

You decided to ask him out one day, by carefully crafting a flower, something you’d practiced over the previous weeks. In this flower, you painted with scavenged crayons you melted down. By using a paintbrush you crafted, you carefully painted the metal flower blue, while the stem was painted green.

When N returned from his scavenging mission you called to him, he followed you, and you led him to your gift. When you were both out of the others sight, somewhere private, you confessed your true feelings for him. How you loved every single one of silly quips, even the terrible ones. How every night you envied his ability to sleep upside down, wishing you could be close to him, how every gift he gives makes your robotic little heart flutter. You showed him your flower, ready for rejection.

His interface was glowing bright, large blushes overlapping his face. He reached behind him, pulling out a brown jacket with white fur, apologizing all the while for not getting a better gift. You giggled as he accepted your confession, giving him a gentle kiss on his cheek.

You held his face your hands, happy to have someone as caring as him. You both heard a squeal from behind some rubble, Uzi’s beanie visible above of the spot. N was about to go investigate, but you held him by his hips, bringing him back to you.

Sharing a kiss, you both stood there, basking in the violent ash storm. After separating, you held N’s hand as you both returned home.

“I love you N”

“Oh em, I love you too Y/n”

“I love you more”

“No, I do!”

“One of us is lying then”

You’d dragged the poor drone to your sleeping spot, forcing him to share it a small seat with you. But he stuck around, preferring to be with you instead of being outside alone.

Nowadays, you and N would sleep outside to bask in the wind and give Uzi some privacy, sharing a blanket to ward off the cold.

Thanks to your scavenging missions, you finally had the materials needed to create a perfect gift for him. You just needed his captains cap, the one thing that he doesn’t give out easily, only letting you hold it for a few seconds.

When you and N were sleeping together, you slowly let go of him, grabbing his cap while gently kissing his head. You got up, heading to your secret bench where you gathered your materials.

There, you worked all morning, getting tired but still pushing yourself to keep crafting.

Eventually you finished your gift: N’s captains hat refurbished with shiny metals lining it’s sides, fur interwoven with new soft strands that you’d found, it’s emblem shined to perfection.

You hid the gift, going back to join N in your sleep. Waiting for night to come, you wrapped N in your arms as you shut your systems down.

When you awoke, N was gone from your arms, leaving only you covered by the blanket.

You found N digging through some trash, so you hug him from behind. He yelps in surprise, his tail standing still as to not sting anything.

“You surprised me Y/n! Oh um, by any chance have you seen my cap? I think I must’ve lost it, I swear I had it on before I slept”

You try to lift him up but he’s too heavy, he giggles at your attempt, you contemplate letting him fall. Letting him down, you ask him to follow you, saying you have a gift for him. You bring him to a ash hill and ask him to close his eyes, he covers them with his hands, and you retrieve the gift. The cap a little but of ash on it, you swipe it off and tell him to open his eyes.

He opens his eyes to a new cap, prepared with a small bow, his gift.

“Really Y/n, for me?”

“Yes!”

He picks you up with a giddy squeal, spinning you in his arms. You kiss him as he held you up, using your arms to hold his cheeks. The wind blew slowly tonight, leaving you both in peace. That was until you both heard a squeal erupt, you fell as a spooked N let go of you, he looked back at you with panic. You both looked at who was spying on you both, a purple beanie just above some cover.

“We can see you Uzi”

“No you can’t”

“Yes we can”

“Bite me”

I hope I did well!

Hey, psst!

I need your honest opinion here, do I write too much? Sometimes I think I add to much to these “headcannons” turning them into short stories instead of specific scenarios that address the request, I’m not sure if this is what you’d prefer or not, please let me know.

#n #uzi #v #thank you so much for requesting this!#murder drones #request #x reader

236 notes · View notes

dogfags · 25 days

Text

for the past couple weeks I have tried multiple times to sort out this kind of. thought cloud I'm stuck in. but I can't properly journal out my feelings bc I can't exactly put words to them. I keep trying to get my feelings out with words and it's impossible. so I resort to trying to organize them in pinterest boards and playlists bc those things are more abstract but still help me think through stuff. but even there I'm sort of at a loss. I guess I am coming up on a sense of self for perhaps the first time in my life? and it is so strange and foreign to me that I'm having a hard time. putting it together. for sure it'll take more time. but holy shit it just feels like I am having all these like. epiphones about myself idk how to spell that word whatever. it feels like I'm getting closer and closer to a sense of self. which I have never ever had in my life before. I have always felt like a weird amalgamation of traumas and I have these identity crises every other month wherein I try to reinvent myself and become someone new. and in so doing I have completely just. erased any kind of sense of identity I could have had bc I'm constantly just changing it so nothing I am ever feels permanent. every trait is just temporary and mutable. but last summer, almost a year ago I was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder and put on mood stabilizers. and after 3 months I started having these like... come back to earth moments where I'd finally be like wait, this isn't me, this isn't what I want. and I'd change it. and slowly I've been doing that with different parts of myself and my life. and then it all kind of came to a head when my ex cheated on me and we broke up and they were gunna attempt suicide and the gun and the hospital and just all of that SHIT happened and then I very suddenly decided to move out bc I couldn't live like that anymore. and then I started seeing my now bf more and more.. and just like wow. it's crazy how drastically my life has changed in a couple months. I mean in January I was in a shitty relationship I didn't see going anywhere with a loser who treated me like shit. I was living with this person and my old roommate and not doing much of anything for enjoyment except scrolling mindlessly through Instagram reels. I used to go to punk shows all the time and one of my epiphones (literally how do you spell that) was that I didn't actually enjoy going to shows that much and the people there weren't really my crowd and I don't want to drink or smoke or any of that. so I stopped going to shows but I never replaced it with something to do enjoy doing. but now... since I left that house and went no contact with my ex and sort of distanced myself from that whole friend group I have been more capable than ever of like, finding myself and who I am and who I want to be. I moved out completely within a week of deciding to do so for my mental health and even though I'm still working these 65 hour weeks and YES my job sucks and makes me wanna die I am still so much less stressed and I am not in literal agony. I used to be so confused with who I am. I used to struggle so hard to see myself as a human being. I was in a near constant state of dissociation due to the horrible trauma I've been through + my dysphoria + bipolar disorder + shitty relationships. Its like I'm waking up now. I keep having these moments where I pause for a moment in reality and I'm like holy shit I'm HERE like I'm alive and I'm present and i am experiencing this moment in this moment. it's just wild to me. i think this is a real turning point in my life. like fr a brand new chapter. a fresh start to everything. I left so much behind and for a while it left me feeling like an empty husk but now I am just starting to see the new little sprouts of life in myself. I'm not having an identity crisis I'm having an identity rebirth.

#barks #sorry to get all deep on the dashboard #id put this in my journal but my laptop isnt working 🙄🙄

8 notes · View notes

mollyjames · 2 years

Text

Alright tumblr detectives, I got a doozy for you:

So as some of you already know, the water in our apartment is contaminated. It's been almost a year, we still have no idea what's causing it.

The Problem

This all started last year, when I noticed a weird taste in the water. At the time I thought maybe I hadn't washed out my glass properly, or else I just left it out on my desk for too long. But the problem persisted. The weird taste would start to linger well into the night, and I had increased difficulty sleeping as I grew steadily more anxious. Even then I tried to pass it off as no big deal. My partner hadn't said anything about the water, and I have a sensitive palette. Just because I tasted something a little fishy doesn't mean there's something wrong.

Then, after about a week of exposure, I started getting a truly awful feeling in my mouth, the likes of which I'd never felt before. For a few hours at a time, my mouth would prickle up and start to salivate. It felt like I was trying to spit out my own tongue. At this point, we stopped drinking the water entirely, and did everything we could to limit our exposure to it.

Temporary Solutions

The first thing we tried was to get a Brita filter. Knowing what we know now, this might have actually helped, but at the time I still thought I could taste something weird, so we stopped after a few days. We started getting our drinking water from the grocery store, but I kept getting that weird taste. It was only after we began sanitizing our dishes with bleach that the taste fully went away.

We reported the problem to our landlord, who after a few weeks of unhelpful troubleshooting, agreed to drain our hot water tank. This seemed to help briefly, but the taste came back within a few days. Eventually, he replaced the hot water tank altogether. This worked! Or so we thought. After six months, the taste returned. We're now planning to move out at the end of November.

Data Collection

We ran several home tests on the water to try and find the problem. All typical contaminants, such iron, lead, and copper, came back negative. We also didn't detect any bacteria. (Please take this with a grain of salt, we ran these home tests ourselves. However, it is much more difficult to get a negative test for bacteria than a positive one.) The only result that turned up anything strange was a pH level of around 6.5. This is particularly notable as our city water errs close to a pH of 8. However in isolation, it's not much to go on. We also took the water to a nearby lab to run tests for mineral contaminants. These came back negative.

As mentioned previously, I noticed a strange taste while my partner did not. However, once we began to limit their exposure to the water, we were able to identify some unusual symptoms. Several lingering digestive issues went away, and what they had assumed was an allergy to green tea disappeared as well. They also noted their throat was more sore than usual after exposure to the water. My partner has several co-morbidities (for lack of a better word), like asthma and allergies, which make their symptoms more difficult to parse. That said, once we limited our exposure to the water, they felt notably healthier. For what it's worth, they are confident that I am correct in saying that the water is a problem.

Whatever this is seems to like hot water, or at the very least doesn't mind it. This is subjective, but the contaminant seemed to appear more concentrated in coffee, tea, soup, and other warm items, even after boiling the water. My suspicion was that the cold water was fine, or at least less of a problem than the hot water. This is corroborated by the replacing of our hot water tank, which did solve the problem for a time. It also seems to like metal, and places where water collects for a time, such as pots and cups. Soap seems to have no effect. It does not like bleach. Given this, in combination with our testing, I am inclined to believe whatever this is is organic.

Other apartments are not experiencing the same issue. There is a single water tank that feeds into all of the different rooms in the building. Our landlord has confirmed that no one else has experienced this issue. I was also able to personally sample some water from a neighbor, and found no issue with it.

Our landlord has tried the water himself, and said he didn't taste anything weird. (Remember, it took a week of continuous exposure before my extra-sensitive self decided it was worth doing something about.)

Additional Symptoms

These are subjective, but worth noting regardless:

I noticed rashes forming on my body. This is not an issue my partner had, but I also like to take long hot showers. They eventually went away on their own after a few months the first time. This second round I'm being much more cautious, and taking exclusively cold showers. The rashes have returned, but are much milder. The cold showers appear to be helping.

At first exposure, I grew incredibly anxious. Again, this is subjective, but I consider myself to be someone who is fairly aware of how her brain works. I do not typically have a problem with anxiety (as someone who has done a pretty good job keeping it together amidst a global pandemic). However, as I was exposed to the water, I found it increasingly difficult to control my thoughts. My heart rate would elevate rapidly, and at times I felt certain I was going to die. I am not an anxious person. I consider these symptoms to be highly irregular. Once exposure to the water was limited, I no longer had these thoughts. My partner has also experienced similar symptoms.

My sense of taste has become the default mode of detection. I've been calling it taste, but truthfully it's less a taste and more of a texture. It feels like a thin layer of protein powder coating the inside of my mouth; less intense, but more persistent. Over exhaustive months, I've gotten to know the sensation pretty well. Every so often, if we forget to sanitize a dish or use the wrong concentration of bleach, I'll notice it within the first few minutes of exposure. If it's minor, the taste will last for a few hours, then go away. If it's a little more than minor, it might last half a day, and my partner will notice an unusually sore throat when they try to sleep that night. I've learned I should trust the taste when it appears, and take action as quickly as possible to mitigate further exposure.

Working Theories

Our current best guess is that this is some kind of algae. When I mentioned the symptoms on discord earlier, one person mentioned experiencing something similar, and found the problem was algae. Algae is also very difficult to detect, and requires expensive, specialized testing. Confirmed reports of algae exposure also loosely align with our symptoms. How would algae have gotten into our pipes? I have no idea, but it's as good a guess as any.

FAQ

Maybe it's something else? Highly highly unlikely. The water is the one consistent element in all cases of exposure, and we have had many many cases to work with. The most impactful change was replacing our hot water heater, which solved the problem for a good 6 months.

What if you and your partner got sick with something? Then I would expect other water to also taste strange to me. Store bought water, and water at friends and relatives places has been completely fine. Unless, somehow, I am only sick when in the apartment, and even then only very occasionally, this doesn't make sense.

Is it really that bad? I tried to spit out my own tongue. I felt like I was going to die. I'm done taking chances with this thing.

Aren't there laws? You should sue! I appreciate where you're coming from on this, but I am poor and tired and trying to move someplace safe first.

Wow, this sucks. Yup.

tl;dr

The water in our apartment is contaminated with something. I'm the only person so far who has been able to taste it. Because of this, it's been difficult to get help, or even make people understand there's a problem in the first place. Any insight would be appreciated.

38 notes · View notes

keefwho · 10 months

Text

September 04 - 2023 Monday

7:17am

Yesterday taught me that something drastic needs to change in my life. I knew that already, thats why I'm trying to "improve" whatever that even means. But I mean I need to take more aggressive action because I've basically caught myself thinking a lot more than doing. I need to try more action I can take that will encourage positive changes in my life/mentality. I don't know what kinds of things yet so it's about trying lots of things until I find what works. I will try to use my schedule so I can actually stay on top of anything I decide.

8:40am

I'm having the thought that I can't achieve my goals. I'm having the thought that I'm going to tire myself out and inevitably fail. I'm having the thought that I'm an obsessive person and cannot stop. I'm having the thought that I won't be able to get all my work done today and be proud of myself. I'm having the thought that I can't respect myself. I'm having the thought that people are always judging my flaws. I'm having the thought that trying is pointless.

2:29pm

My heart pushes back against me so much. As soon as I start feeling like maybe I can feel good about my life, it feels CRINGEY. Deep down I'm rejecting it very strongly to the point where it feels like it's just a temporary feeling I'm experiencing on the surface and eventually it'll go away so I can feel like shit again. Its all rooted so very deep. It really feels like at the very center of myself is a cynical, self destructive being, thats what my core is made out of. I don't know how to change that if it's true. Or maybe I'm exaggerating and this is a temporary assessment.

The book I'm reading that is based on ACT is good but has been employing some concepts and techniques that don't really work for me. A lot of it is more abstract mental exercises than I'd like, it probably works for some people but it's not my thing. I'm still following the book anyways but trying not to do it as religiously as before. Right now I'm supposed to schedule 3 events for the next week that will directly challenge some of the thoughts/feelings that hold me back. To me this means figuring out things to do that I wish I could. Basically I'm going to roleplay a 'better' version of myself that can do these things I want to try. Or something I already do but in a different mindset.

10:56pm

This morning I made eggs with corned beef hash and toast. I watched some Chris Chan before stream.

The warmup went well and I mostly finished up the commission I was working on. ('Mostly' because the guy had a bunch of changes to make later, really stupid ones too.) With my spare time I started a new YCH and worked on a goofy drawing drawing intended to be for business growth. That basically means it's an idea utilizing a popular character from media as opposed to mine or someone else's OC. I could have ended early and I wanted to but my main goal is to stick to my work schedule so thats what I did. I also worked on a YCH because instead of having dedicated YCH time 2 days a week like I did, I'll just use spare commission time to do it since I have enough of it.

After stream I replaced my iffy extension cable I use for my heater, I cleaned up the toilet with one of those scrubbing stones, disposed of a mouse I caught, and vacuumed. I also used Pine Sol for the first time to clean the windowsill. I figure bleach based cleaner is not good for it, I know it's not but that's all I had before. I'm doing it properly now. Lunch was tuna spaghetti while watching more Chris Chan, which is always a bad idea. He's gross.

I was a little bit late with getting afternoon work done but I did do it all. The request went well and I finished my friend's birthday gift finally. Also worked on a real old sketch finally of the mane six travelling through a snowscape.

I played some HOI4 today and made more progress in my interesting campaign. This evening I streamed that and some Mother 3 with my bestie and had some really good conversation before bedtime. We also peaked at BOTW and how simplistic it is compared to TOTK. Crazy how we can always talk about Zelda and it's fun. Tbh we can talk about anything and it's fun but especially Zelda.

Tomorrow I'm not looking forward to the commission because it's by someone who I historically have a hard time drawing but it'll get done and be fine I'm sure. I'm also trying to change my mindset from "what will I lose if I don't do X" to "what will I gain if I do X". I think it's a more positive way to view things.

#journal #diary #change #thoughts #venting #self worth #ACT

0 notes

evan-algore · 1 year

Text

I haven't been active on any pro Ana anything in a while.

I haven't gotten diagnosed with any ED as of now (if I were to self-diagnose; it'd be EDNOS/OSFED) though I'm finally talking about it in therapy.

I haven't acted in any ED related behaviors in a while and the intrusive thoughts are near non existent. It's been almost a year since I've stressed over my meals and I've lost weight from it. Ironically, I expected this. (See; EDNOS/OSFED)

From 10y/o to 19y/o, I stayed between 147lbs and 130lbs despite destroying my digestive system and heart trying to be 118.13lbs (BMI of 18.5) or less. My eating disorder had been such a central part of my adolescence.

I don't know how, but around 2020, I guess I just had bigger fish to fry than my body, or maybe not having lost any real weight over a decade disillusioned me. Mentally; I was at my worst over quarantine and still kinda since so its primarily due to that. Just a temporary shifting of tides realistically.

These days, I struggle to remember the calorie counts of this, that, and the other thing I used to have memorized like gospel. I've been working as a cook at a restaurant for almost 2 years and find myself being able to sample the foods I make without anxiety.

I still had a lot of anxiety when I started the job but it feels like forever ago now.

I'm officially underweight as of a couple days ago. I put on a few gw cloths and I feel nothing. Not gratification nor shame. More like casual acceptance. (I think it was my 3rd gw that was 118.13. I remember it was my ugw up until I was 14y/o)

My mental health is still ass but the personification of ana in my head has since taken on a far more realistic and accommodating character personality.

I've reverted back to my old eating habits in which I easily forget to eat and never seem to be hungry anyway. It always bothered me how this went out the window when I started trying to restrict. (Again, see my assumption on EDNOS/OSFED lol)

Oily and greasy foods have always made me nauseous so that hasn't changed but, otherwise, I have no fear foods anymore. Milk was a fear food but I find myself drinking it as a meal replacement when I don't have an appetite or otherwise can't stomach solid food.

I've finally mentioned it in therapy but, all things considered, it's a low priority. There's still a risk of it coming back (I know that ed's can't just get up and walk away) so it will be addressed soon. It's kinda nice not having to deal with it so I want to make sure it stays that way. It's distressing how much of my day and life revolved around it.

I never expected to be in this position. I don't know how to feel. I was always terrified of being taken off my medication once I got diagnosed with an ed and I'm still terrified of that happening now (I've been taken off them before; long story short, an ed would be the least of my problems). I can only hope I can prove to my doctor's that I'm presently well enough to stay on my regiment and maybe being an adult will allow me more influence on that decision. I may be required to gain weight for that and another reason anyway so even my cw is likely temporary. Regaining the weight may summon my ed back into existence but time will tell.

Time will tell.

I figured I'd post some kind of update even though I didn't get much interaction on this account when I was active. The fact that this account still exists keeps popping up into memory and it feels weird to just leave it as is.

I just changed my bio from; "Male-19-cw:130lbs-hw:152-lw:128-hight: suffer.__I'm mostly posting memes (like my last two deactivated accounts lol) and not much else. I'm also five foot seven lol. I'm not that insane."

Throughout this, I did gain a lot of experience about how ed's tend to work. I'll end this with some advice that made it a little easier to live;

----If the alternative is a feeding tube, just eat something. If it works to threaten your anxiety with a 2k+ calorie feeding tube being shoved down your nose if it doesn't let you eat a can of tuna, do it.

----Eat or drink dairy before purging to neutralize the stomach acid and prevent stomach ulcers and tooth decay.

----Keep safe foods on hand when you can in case the anemia or protein deficiency becomes impossible to ignore.

----However much you'll eat that day, always make sure to eat after a workout, even if it's a small amount.

----Keep some kind of emergency kit somewhere you can reach in the event you can't physically get out of bed or get sick beyond management. (I kept aspirin, vitamins, tuna packets/protein bar, water, and an electric heating pad)

---- Otherwise, have an emergency plan if things go wrong. You know your health and you ed better than anyone else, take advantage of that for the sake of your life.

Listen to your body and take care of it for the long term.

Don't let your ed out-live you.

I don't know exactly what's going on with me or why it is the way it is so please don't think you can do the same one day; I still remember very vividly how powerless I really was to my ed when it was at it's prime.

Stay safe out there. I love y'all.

0 notes

megthemewlingquim · 3 years

Text

someone new.

summary: there's an art to life's distractions.

pairing: eventual hades! loki x persephone! reader

warnings: implied smut, alcohol consumption

a/n: here it is, the first part of foreigner's god. as said in this fic's masterlist, these will not be chapters, but rather short stories and one shots that can be read separately or as one whole piece. it's up to you.

i plan to base each part off of one or two hozier songs. this is inspired by "someone new".

is there a right way to fall in love?

that’s what loki asks himself every day — well, every night — when he spends his free time at bars and gatherings. populated widely with fellow gods, goddesses, and spirits of many colors and passions; these bars are perfect places to find someone new.

being the god of death, however, puts loki at a bit of a disadvantage. yes, the stereotypes are, unfortunately, true. loki is dark, a little antisocial, and very quiet. beautiful in appearance — death is seductive, at least to the willing.

‘the willing’ being many a spirit, many a dryad or goddess or creature who wants bragging rights, or a little nightly thrill. ‘that’s right,’ they say, ‘i had a little dance with death last night.’

loki doesn’t mind the mornings when his temporary partners talk about the nights, but he always cringes when they mention that accursed french phrase — la petite mort. it’s a joke to them. a mockery.

yet, they stay, and sometimes, they come back for another little death.

the spirits and goddesses never make a big impact on him. he is with one for a night, then another for a night, and so on. he falls in love every day with someone new and it’s a bore. a bore and a drag.

dark caresses don’t do much to numb the pain: the pain of loneliness and solitude. the ache in his heart is constant, tearing at his mind whenever it can. alcohol can't do much either — all gods have a very high tolerance. mead was made for them.

so loki is left with no escape besides those that come from the willing. little deaths. they make him feel loved.

no...

no one loves death. some crave him. but they don't love him.

that’s the common theme running through loki’s head every time he takes someone home with him, or goes upstairs with them to the top floors of the inns he’s at, where the bedrooms are. it’s a distraction.

however, the cycle ends when, while pointlessly wandering around his usual bar, he sees someone new one night. you.

you radiate this... this warmth that he’s never felt before. everyone around you seems to be affected by it too - they don’t treat you as the life of the party, but they do gravitate towards you like birds to a nest.

and you’re quite shy, but infectiously happy and cheerful. you’re so beautiful, with your bright eyes that he knows are wide and filled with wonder, and your lovely skin that he knows is so soft. and your smile that he knows is so comforting to all who see it.

to everyone else, you feel like they’ve just wandered into a happy memory, or a sun-lit room that’s pleasantly warm and golden. you feel familiar. ordinary, but lovely all the same.

to loki, you feel... feel like something he’s only experienced in dreams. so, really, he’s never felt it before in his immortal life: something warm and alive and... and anticipatory. like there’s new things about to come up to the surface — flowers, new animals, maybe. you give off a sense of... he can’t describe it well. a slow and joyful awakening something.

and you also feel completely and utterly powerful. unstoppable. he’s terrified of you, and yet he’s drawn to you. you’re so fascinating, strange. not as if you could end the world, no, that’s his own job. but it’s as if you can bring the whole world to life, raise it back up again after the chaos fades.

you feel like spring. like rebirth. like new life.

and that’s when it hits him.

persephone. he’s heard the name passed around before, but before now, he has never seen the face behind the name. something about this sparks some fear in him: how would persephone, goddess of spring, daughter of demeter, react to seeing anyone even remotely like himself?

for a moment, he’s grateful that you’re not looking at him; you’re actually looking at the table, at the drink you’re sipping. there’s a look on your face that isn’t bored, nor afraid. maybe... observant.

people are around you still. not crowding, but not interacting with you either. it’s like you have a bubble around you, keeping everyone from getting too close. maybe it’s your doing but maybe it’s theirs. honestly, you’d think that dryads and gods and goddesses and spirits of all forms and colors and subjects would be more accepting.

he pities you. you seem lonely.

loki takes a few steps forward, betraying his own fear. like the red sea, the crowd parts. some are bold and unafraid, and they give loki varying looks: disgusted, seductive, snarky. you don’t notice him until he sits down in front of you, at the other end of the table.

“hi,” he says calmly. he manages a small smile. “you’re new here, aren’t you?”

your eyes lift to lock with his own. immediately, you recoil just the slightest bit. he knows what you’re thinking: wait, that’s hades! god of death... wh-why is he talking to me?

“it’s alright,” he soothes. “don’t worry. you’ve probably heard of all the stories: gods kidnapping and doing terrible things to goddesses and spirits and dryads. i’m not here to do any of that. i promise.”

with a single, somewhat confused blink, you nod. “m-my mother has told me a lot about that stuff,” you say slowly, as if saying anything too revealing will somehow alert demeter and get you in trouble. “she’s... she’s terrified...”

“what is she terrified of? that those terrible things might happen to you?”

“yes,” you say. “she’s told me that she’s had nightmares in the past. specifically about you. how you’ll kidnap me and take me to hell to live with you.”

he laughs at that - a rich, amused laugh that takes the shivers out of you. “that’s bullshit. overprotective mothers, yeah?”

you shrug. “she loves me.”

“and are you afraid of me, princess?” the last word is whispered. his voice extremely soft - it’s a curious question.

he notices how you lick your lips. “no,” you say. he notices how your eyes flick all over him. “no, i’m not.” and you seem truthful.

“smart girl,” he says with a grin. “i hate liars. there’s not a god on in the world that’s ever been truthful. well, besides jesus. yahweh. whatever you wanna call him.” loki leans back, crossing his hands behind his head and bringing his feet up to the table. “your father, though... he’s the worst of ‘em. having children with other women, including your mother, while hera has to sit by and watch, and then lying about it.”

“we’re gods,” you say. “i'm not trying to justify things but... we’re far from perfect.”

“damn right we are. we’re fucked up. good. we can agree on something. most days, people think us gods are... perfect things. role models. and, maybe some are. but not us. not the gods of olympus.”

he pauses, takes a swig from a beer bottle that was not in his hand a few seconds ago. “i was wondering if you wanted to do what humans do.” loki winces at the awkwardness. “when they're... y'know. interested in someone.”

“you're interested... in me?” you ask, incredulously.

“yeah, i am.” one sip of beer has loosened his tongue. or maybe that's just his confidence soaring now. “maybe this hasn't been the best introduction to things but i would love to take you out sometime. show you things.”

“my —” you swallow. “i'd get in trouble.” you shrink away just a bit.

his smile fades and it's replaced with a sadder, more sincere look. “the best things in life have risk to them. it's time i show you that.”

and really, he does feel sorry for you. it's your first time at a bar, you're lonely. no friends as far as he can tell. an overprotective goddess mother.

“think of it this way. i think you're very pretty and i like your honesty. i would like to help you see the world, and to have a little fun, since your mother has obviously never let you do anything in your very, very long life.”

“i'm twenty—one.”

“and now i'm wondering if demeter actually has you tell people that, as if you're a teenage mortal.” loki shakes his head, disappointed. “that's pathetic. you're a bajillion years old. you're a goddess! you should be able to do whatever the fuck you want, right?”

when there's no answer from you, he sighs. leans forward to sit normally, putting both of his elbows on the table and pointing his hands at you. “alright. i'll roll with it for now. you're twenty—one. i guess. you can drink. you can go out alone to bars and other places. you can meet new people. you're an adult. think about that.

“so, again. i think you're very pretty and i wanna show you around. get to know you. would you like to do that with me?” he raises his eyebrows a little, waiting for a response.

it's an eternity before you can win a battle in your mind. slowly, you nod, giving him a smile. “yeah,” you whisper. “yeah, i would. thank you.”

“don't thank me just yet, sweetheart. i haven't shown you anything yet.” he gets up, pushes his chair in.

before he leaves, he winks at you. “call me loki. it's... not as dreadful... as hades. and... what do i call you?”

you say your name, your voice quiet.

“much better than persephone, i think. it suits you. we'll keep in touch, ok?”

“okay,” you say. butterflies are flying rapidly in your stomach.

loki leaves you there. he'd much rather take you back to your home himself, but that would be too risky for the time being. for now, he walks out of that bar feeling like the king of the world.

189 notes · View notes

pleasancies · 3 years

Text

First Shot

wordcount : 2k+

content / warnings : futuristic whump, lady whump, defiant whumpee, electrocution, hunted, animal attack, starvation, human experimentation, animal death, graphic depictions of violence, eating live animals, leg injury

I was planning for a simple running off from wild animals story but stuff happens. The story got dark. Tag : @summer-of-whump

***

Previous Chapter

Avis woke up with a shiver. Wind gushes through her hair. Little thorns prickled at her back. She tried to heave herself up, but there's a twinge of pain in her arms that runs deep into her bones. It was dark, but she could smell the rain, hear the sound of leaves rustling and crickets chirping. She needs to get up. Keep moving. This isn't the lab anymore. She has to go back. Avis slowed her breathing. Her finger clawed into the ground. Grass brushing against her palm. With a count of to three, she heaved herself up. Pain flared on her arm. She grimaced. Pushing her body to stand was easier.

Every step was uncertain. Bare feet meets fallen twigs. The sound of it breaking is almost deafening. She felt around. Trees, moss, and stone. Avis was afraid she's going around in circles. But she's free, as baffling as it is. Last thing she remembered was the lab. The oxygen mask. John and Lisette. Fenrir.

Did they left her her because they thought she's dead? The test, whatever it is, was a blank in Avis head. Possible memory wiping technology? Too many question marks. Potential threats to report when she managed to get back to her friends.

"Hello, Miss. How are you feeling?" The voice made her jump. She turned her head, frantically looking where it came for.

"Down here. Look at your feet."

Sure enough, there's an ankle bracelet. Avis did the sensible thing to do, prying at it so it falls off. It was glued to her legs.

The voice speaks again, "This is the test we were preparing you for. Don't worry, the serum will kick in soon and fingers crossed it works. Now, I'd like you to—"

"Go fuck yourself, John." Avis spat. She grabbed a sturdy looking branch. Clenching her jaws, she forced it between her ankles. Avis let out a small yelp, as the twig tears apart the fused flesh and machine. Drops of blood falls along her toes. Still, she kept going without hesitation.

A nasty crackling noise send Avis movements into a halt. Her entire body jerked as electricity pierced her ankles and burned her veins.

"If you tried to break free then I'll zap you again. Got it?"

Avis tried to speak, but her teeth was still chattering from the aftershocks. She could hear Lisette murmuring on the other side. The girl was too far from the mic for anyone to clearly hear.

John went on, "I really don't want to do this. The more we hurt you, the more likely this project fails and you die. But you took things to an extreme."

"I'm a Heretic, I have to do what I have to do," Avis muttered. Her ankle cuff buzzed a noise that might have been an exasperated sigh.

"I urged Professor Clayton to release you without the shock bracelet. I don't want to reinforce your group's indoctrination that we're sadistic tyrants. But I guess he's right. You and your people are beyond saving."

"I don't need a baby-faced intern who looked like he could die if he lift a potato sack to save me."

Lisette's laugh can be overheard from the speaker.

"That goes for you too, Lise. You're complicit in this," John gruntled. "Fair enough, answer me, Miss. How do you feel? Avoid using profanities, please."

"Like I've been electrocuted, dear boy."

"Other than that. Emotions, physical conditions, list everything."

Avis frowned. It would be so easy to flip him off. Why would she answer to some milquetoast intern about how she feels? The boy might never even starve in his life. Her jaw and gums hurt. After the shock, her ankle felt strangely heavy. There's a veiled threat in his words. They injected her with something.

"How do you feel, Heretic?"

Do you even know my name?

She pick herself up, looking at the distance. Now she could see faint outlines of the trees around her. Faint glints of light hidden in branches. A camera? Avis stared at it.

"Hungry."

"Good, good. How about your emotions, and your perception. Compare to what you see and hear when you first wake up to now."

"A-agitated. Pissed. I want to kill you. My left arm hurts. My teeth hurts." Avis stopped, composing her thoughts. The tip of her fingers felt foreign. As if it belonged to someone else. She wondered what Sherman are doing now.

"Miss."

"Sorry. I'm thinking about my friends."

There's that buzz again. She could discern it. General interference and background noise. Keyboards clacking. Pen scratching at paper.

"Why do you think of them?" John's voice sounds so clear. Sickening. Avis could hear his breath. It was slightly shallow. Did this kid has ashtma? The image of him wheezing to death as she slowly crush his windpipes made a tight sensation in her belly.

"Dunno. Can you stop talking? Your voice makes me want to gnaw at my ankle."

"Alright. Answer my question first, Miss. Any significant change in your senses. This could be vision, hearing, smell, anything."

Avis point at the hidden cameras, "One, two, three, four, there might another one over there, but I need to come closer."

She put a hand on her stomach. It's like there's a hole in there. Somehow it reminds her of the well in her parents' house. The twinge on her arm had dissipate, replaced by a dull throb coming from the inside of her gums. There's just so many things she doesn't see or hear before. Hard to keep track. Her thoughts were jumbled, running all over the place. John muttered a curse.

"John, I thought you said there's no need for profanities."

"You're not supposed to hear that. It's the serum."

Avis froze. The buzzing thoughts stopped. Cold panic gripped her chest. The forest she's starting to feel familiar with becomes unrecognizable. As if someone had brought her to a mirror world. The trees and rocks similar, yet still a twisted replica of itself. How could she not notice?

"What did you do to me?"

"It's only temporary, calm down."

She hissed. Avis took a start, crouching on the ground. The cameras are more than blinking lenses. She could see the machines, the holes it's stuck to. She lunged at the closest one. Her thoughts blend into a murky set of instinct and sensation. Lisette shouted in the background. Avis bit at the lenses, and pulled. She bashed it on to the trees. Stray cables flew.

There's still more eyes watching her. A few trees away. She took a step back, lowered her body, and—

An ear-piercing scream echoes throughout the woods. Her vision went dark. Her body convulsed. Avis fell. She grunted as her back collide with ground.

Still pumped with adrenaline, Avis practically jumped from the ground. Her head flinched back before she speaks. "C-coward! Where are you!"

Another shock. Blood leaked from her ankle. Avis curled in on herself. She blinked away her tears.

No, I'm not going to die like this!

Her body wailed in protest as she heaved herself up. They tased her again. And again.

She lay there for a while, afraid to move. Her fingers twitched. Something had grown in the tips of her nails.

"You're allowed to move now," the voice from the bracelet said. It was deeper. Older. "Please stand."

Getting up was a chore. Avis almost flinched as she expects another sting. One of her feet feels heavy. She leaned at a tree, trying not to move so hard. The gnawing feeling at her stomach is stronger now. She was still shaking and her ankle hurts everytime the skin touches the bracelet.

"I'm so sorry for ruining this Professor," John said.

"Don't be sorry. She's still awake. Project Fenrir, would you please tell me about your injuries?"

Avis grimaced, "You burned my ankle."

"How about your hunger?"

She wondered what Professor Clayton looked like. Until now the man only exist as a name John and Lisette talked about. How big is his head? Does it fit into her mouth? Avis shook her head. Disturbing that the serum made those thoughts came so easily to her.

"You didn't see me eating did you?"

"Aside from the camera I guess not."

"Thought so."

Maybe eating the head is unwise. It would satisfy her anger but it might hurt her jaw. Avis hope this professor is fat. More meat to fill her sick.

"I want to eat you, old man."

"We'll feed you. Soon. This is your test. We will send you a moving obstacle. Defeating them will grant you food. The wound in your ankle might hamper your movements, but if you're as skilled as your file suggest, I believe you can survive them. Good luck!"

Avis cursed under her breath. They left her no choice but to obey. She put her finger into her mouth. Her teeth had grown. Sharp edges and bigger fangs. She hoped the change isn't too drastic. Her friends would have a hard time finding her if she looked like a monster. James kids' would be afraid of her and she couldn't be their nanny anymore.

She should keep moving. Whatever that moving obstacle was, it's not going to be pretty.

Despite her limp, it was easier to navigate the forest. She had adjusted through the dark, and the uneven terrain wasn't so rough after you noticed it's patterns. It was an artificial forest. For miles there was no animal or a single fruit growing in the trees. The ground won't be too altered by the vegetation.

James had taught her once about the fake forests. The trees are real and organic, everyone knows that. But what's unsettling was it's history. Years ago, when the seeds of the trees weren't even made. The Empire was given a choice of which artificial plant variety it's going to use for conservation efforts. They chose the ones unable to bear fruit. The official documents said it produce oxygen more than the others. Besides, most of the land animals that can survive without human intervention had gone extinct. But the thing killed nearby wild plants. Soon enough, the main source of food are from corporate farms and their trademarked seeds.

Avis thought about James while she aimlessly walked in the forest. How he might think, working as a forester and having to plant the artificial seeds. She missed him. She missed Sherman, Emmett, Nancy, pretty much everyone. She hoped they made it out of the city.

A howl tore through the forest. The hurried steps making a beeline to Avis location. She heard panting and leaves crunching. It was a pack. Avis crouched, running more with her hands than her feet. She made a turn. The wolves changed their direction.

The animals were more intelligent that it supposed to. It doesn't seem to follow Avis by a trail. Everytime she repositioned herself the wolves follow. Always a straight line to her. It wasn't long until her throbbing ankle made her trip. Avis bit her lip. She shouldn't make a noise. She grabbed at her bracelet, desperately pulling at it so her burns get a chance to breathe. The footsteps grew louder. She clenched her teeth and started to stand.

The ground was spinning under her feet. Avis staggered. She was out of breath. Her stomach is growling.

Left foot, right foot. Come on, move!

Her face meets the forest floor. The hairs in the back of her neck stood up. A growl. Right behind her.

It dragged her by the neck. The other lunged at her face. Avis clawed and kicked. It hits the air. Another touches flesh. She smelled blood. Her throat was dry. She heard a yelp. It pulled her out of panic. Avis crawled as fast she could. They can't make her kill these animals.

One wolf caught her by the hair. They yanked her off the ground. She land head first onto a tree. She slid down, only to be bit by the ribs and feet. Avis flailed her claws into the air. They dropped her.

The smell of blood was too much. It filled her nostril. The emptiness in her middle ached. Avis lost. Her teeth finds flesh. Her ears barely register the dying cry of the two dogs. She chewed. She swallowed. Warmth filled her stomach. Nerves flared in delight.

When Avis came to her senses, there was only her and two carcass.

"Congratulations, Fenrir. You passed your first test with flying colors."

Next Chapter

#whump #whump fic #oc whump #whump series #lady whump #lady whumpee #dead dove do not eat #animal attack #animal death #electrocution #defiant whumpee #starvation #human experimentation #futuristic whump #summer of whump #summerofwhump #summerofwhump9 #leg injury #injury whump

10 notes · View notes

justanotherlifeff · 4 years

Text

Levi Ackerman × reader

Genre: Angst, Hurt/comfort, Fluff, matured themes, slowburn

Warning: There's mentions and descriptions of underage rape and suicidal themes and self harm and other triggering stuff.

Hanji POV

I was giving a pep talk to my squad when I saw (Y/N) talking to Levi. We were about to leave the walls in a few moments. For a second, I think I saw shorty with a warm expression. It was surprising really, given that he always looked like a "constipated brat" in his own words. What was more surprising was that he found himself someone shorter than he is. When we were called to the lift, I saw (Y/N) and Levi giving each other some really intense looks and talking about something.

God knows what these two were talking about given that their looks could make new recruits piss their pants. Levi walked away from her when the lift arrived and stood beside me on the lift. I saw (Y/N) move slightly to stand with the crowd.

"Yo shorty, what were all those intense looks about?" I nudged Levi to which he answered, "Shut it shitty glasses". I smiled at his usual behaviour. Seems like even love can't change some things. I sighed at the thought. Moblit and I weren't able to go on a date because of how busy I was with my experiments. I need to make it up to him after the expedition if both of us come back alive. As the lift creaked up, someone shouted from the crowd, " HEY HANJI!". I looked down and saw, "Flegel?" I muttered, curious that he was shouting my name out. "TAKE BACK WALL MARIA! THE FUTURE OF MANKIND IS IN YOUR HAAAANDS!" he shouted.

Following his lead, many others shouted out encouragements. Some thanked Levi for saving the town and to that Levi muttered, "Someone's got a big mouth". " Well, with the commotion we made, of course they'd find out." I muttered, answering Levi. The replacement for Mike said, "The thing is, all the meat we ordered was from the Reeves company." The replacement for Squad leader Ness merely said, "Damn that Flegel".

Suddenly, I heard people beside us shouting "YEAH YOU CAN COUNT ON US!". I turned and saw Levi squad shouting out to the people. Other soldiers were muttering about how the Survey corps never had a send off like this before. Erwin replied to them by saying, "As far as I'm aware, this is a first" before starting to shout himself. Both Levi and I looked at him surprised. I looked down at the crowd to see (Y/N) gaping at the sight too. After all, this was completely unexpected for someone as calm as Erwin.

(Y/N) POV

It was surprising to see Uncle Erwin so excited about an expedition. Specially, one that could cause many casualties. The Survey Corps were gone after a while and the crowd dispersed. I went back to the Survey corps Headquarters to get my squad to help me receive all the furniture and make my home liveable. "I have a home now..." I thought gleefully. I finally was able to find happiness. I took my horse back from the stable and galloped towards the headquarter.

When I opened the door to the common room, I saw my squad complaining about not being able to join the expedition.

[(Y/N) Squad/ Special operations squad 2:

(Y/N) squad was supposed to be one of the four commanding squads beside Levi squad, Hanji squad and Drik squad but due to her pregnancy leave, Marlene squad was a temporary replacement for her.

Members:

Diana Becker: A graduate from 103 trainee corps. Very good at communicating with other soldiers and after being trained by (Y/N), 3DMG techniques are improving. Appointed as (Y/N)'s second in command.

Heinrich Fischer: A transfer from Garrison from 103 trainee corps. Area of specialty is medic. Good at 3DMG and getting better with (Y/N)'s training. Excellent at hand to hand combat according to (Y/N) as he was the only person who knew the right strategy to use on (Y/N), losing nonetheless. Not too good in social skills

Stefan Wagner: A graduate from 103 trainee corps. Area of specialty is Veterinarian. Good at 3DMG and improving. Good at social skills and will implement any command given as flawlessly as possible.

Marie Schwarz: A military police transfer from 103 trainee corps. Area of specialty is dealing with finance. A serious soldier who is good at almost all sectors except hand to hand combat due to a lacking in understanding of the enemy's moves but that could be improved by team activities. However, it seems like she had difficulty with authority, specially (Y/N)'s.]

"Damn it... This was one important expedition and we couldn't join... They will all be awarded as heroes when they return and we will only be watching.." Heinrich complained to the other bored soldiers as I walked in. They were all seniors in case of Trainee corps records but younger than myself by a few years given that I joined a bit late. "Heinrich, if you are so keen on being Titan fodder, go ahead, take your horse and follow them. They haven't gone too far yet." I told him, shutting him up.

"Sorry, squad leader (Y/N). He was just being an ass" Diana muttered, smacking Heinrich on his head. They probably were in a relationship or something, given that I walked onto them kissing one time. I pretended I didn't see it though. "Well, be thankful that you aren't fighting Titans with your lives in your hands and instead you're helping me with decorating my home. I want you all at my home in 30 minutes. I'll be going to the furniture store and getting the furniture." I ordered them as they answered with a "Hai!" before I left for the furniture store. It was already getting dark. I took my horse there, paid the furniture makers, rented a wagon and with the help of the furniture maker's apprentice, took all the furniture home. The squad was already home and with their help, I started arranging the house.

"Diana, go arrange the kitchen utensils. Stefan and Heinrich, move that shelf away from the window." I commanded. Most of the house was already decorated. I just needed to get the bedsheets arranged, bring all of Levi's and my own books from the headquarters, except of course, the work related ones. "Marie, we are going to get the books" I commanded her and we went to the headquarter.

It took a while to arrange all the books as I did that by dividing the books by genres. After the whole decoration process was done, I thanked the squad and dismissed them. It was about 10 pm when I started cleaning the house. After an hour of cleaning, I felt like the house was clean enough for Levi's standards and I locked the front gate and went back to the headquarter. We weren't supposed to be living in this house till we get married. I was tired beyond measures after all the work and decided to pass out on the bed.

A few hours later

Levi POV

"Looks like the beast titan has us in it's sights. This place is about to turn into a honeycomb. Erwin, if you tell me there's no way left for us to fight back, I'll start preparing for defeat." I told Erwin. This operation was meaningless. Of course there was no chance of victory after this. If we had to get some survivors... I would have to give up my life... Would (Y/N) be okay with it? I'm sure she would be devastated... But I had to do this. For humanity and for a good future of my child... Can (Y/N) raise him on her own? "It could be a she too you know" (Y/N)'s voice rang in my head. She always pointed that out whenever I called our child a 'he'.

"Eren's sprawled out there, right? Go wake him up. You and some of the others get on him and run. That way we'll have at least a few survivors." I continued. I remembered the last time I slept with her. She looks so peaceful when she sleeps... "The recruits and survivors from Hanji's squad can scatter on horses all at once and try to head home... How does that sound? With them acting as bait, you and the others on Eren will be able to escape." I concluded. I remember her snuggling into my arms, burying her head in my chest... "And what are you going to do, Levi?" Erwin asked me. Was that really the last time I saw her? And I really made a shitty promise that I couldn't keep that time?

"I'll deal with that beast. I'll lead him away" I answered. Am I really ready to choose humanity over her? Over our kid? "No. You can't even get close to him." Erwin stated. I remembered her rare smiles. I imagined a future where she and my kid will be safe. If this sacrifice is worth it, I can do this. "Probably not. But, if you and Eren make it back alive, there's still hope. Isn't that the kind of situation we're in now? This is a major defeat. Honestly, I'm not expecting anyone to make it home alive at this point." I replied. "True. If we don't have any way of fighting back." Erwin stated calmly. I was surprised. Did he have anything up his sleeve?

"Do you have one?" I asked him, genuinely surprised. "Yes" he stated. At this point, I was annoyed at him. What was he thinking? Why didn't he say this to me before? "Why didn't you tell me earlier? Why didn't you put that ugly mouth of yours to work sooner and say something?" I asked, genuinely annoyed. "If this plan goes well, you may be able to defeat that beast. But only if we sacrifice the lives of all the recruits here, as well as mine." Erwin mentioned. Sacrificing Erwin? Didn't I promise (Y/N) that I'll keep him safe? If he makes a decision like this, how can I face (Y/N) again?

"You're absolutely right. No matter what we do, most of us will surely die. Infact, it's most likely that we will all be wiped out. So our only choice is to assume we are all expendable and work from there. We'd have to ask these young people to give up their lives. You'd need the skills of a first rate con man to come up with a reason that convincing. So I doubt any of them will charge forward unless I was leading the way. Which would mean I'd be the very first to die. Without ever learning what was in that basement." Erwin said. "Huh?" I asked, confused.

This man was about to die and all he cared about was a shitty basement? He sighed and said, "I just want to go to that basement. Everything I have done, I did thinking that this day would come. That someday, I would be able to check my answers. There were so many times that I thought it would be easier to just die. Then, the dream I shared with my father would flash through my head. And now those answers are close enough to reach out and grab... They are right here... But, Levi, can you see them? All of our comrades? Our comrades are watching us. They want to know what we will do with the hearts they dedicated to our cause. Because they may be gone but their fight isn't over. But then again, I promised (Y/N) that I will be with her at her wedding... She doesn't deserve to lose more... I broke enough promises to her before. Will the last thing I told her be a promise that I couldn't keep? Or is it all pointless and nothing more than my own childish delusion?".

I looked at Erwin for a while, my mind full of doubt. He was implying that I have to make the decision. This was much worse. (Y/N) would never forgive me. She will despise me. I might lose the only chance I ever had of having a family. Then again, didn't I decide that sacrificing my life for the safety of (Y/N) and our child was worth it? Why should this be any different? If wall Maria is captured, humanity will be much closer to victory. (Y/N) and our child will be safer. I'd rather have (Y/N) hate me than get her killed because I was weak. I knelt down in front of Erwin and told him, "You've fought a good fight. We have only come this far thanks to you. I'm making the choice. Give up on your dreams and die for us. Lead the recruits straight into hell. And I'll take down the beast titan.". To that he smiled slightly at me. "Keep (Y/N) safe. You two have my blessings." he said, startling me before he explained the plan to me.

"You want me to approach the beast by myself using vertical manoeuvring? There's nothing around him! There isn't a single tree or house or anything else I can use!" I asked Erwin, not understanding what he was talking about. "No... You have targets that are the perfect height. They are standing there all in a row aren't they? Use the titans to sneak up on and ambush the beast titan." Erwin explained.

I stood beside him as he convinced all the soldiers to give up their lives. Deep down, I knew it was all my decision. I felt revolted by myself. Does a person like me even deserve the happiness and stability of a family? When I can decide to send so many people to their deaths, bringing tragedy to so many other families... "No. I won't regret my decision now. It is all for the greater good" I convinced myself as I stood, watching the faces of people who knew they were about to die meaningless deaths.

The plan was put into action. I maneuvered towards the beast titan, killing it's titan army in progress. I saw the suicide charge down there. "I'm sorry" I told them in my mind as I slashed the napes of titans.

"Turning into titan puts a heavy strain on your body... So you can't transform again while you're busy healing. Isn't that right?" I asked the blonde man who I had cut out of the beast titan and stuffed my blade in his mouth. I pushed the blade forward, making it come out of an eye socket through his mouth before saying, "Hey, answer me. Don't you have any manners?". "I can't kill him. Not yet. Isn't there anyone still alive? It doesn't matter how injured they are as long as they are breathing... I can use this shot to turn them into a titan... Then I can have them eat this guy and steal the power of the beast titan. Isn't there anyone?" I thought. An image of Erwin passed through my mind.

"Isn't there someone I can bring back-" my thoughts were interrupted by the cart titan's mouth. I assumed that it tried to eat me but I moved away and saw it taking the beast titan and run away. "Hey! Where are you going? Stop. I'm not done with you yet..." I said, my voice sounding like a defeated person. Did I just lose to him at the last moment? The beast titan commanded the remaining titans to come at me. "Wait... I swore to him... That I'd kill you no matter what." I muttered. Anger surged into me as I continued, "I SWORE TO HIM!" as I changed my blades and charged towards the titans coming at me, slashing their napes off as fast as possible so that I could follow the beast and end him.

I flew to the wall as fast as possible to find the beast titan in front of Eren. Eren had his blade to the throat of a limbless figure, possibly the colossal titan. The beast titan saw me and started running again as I flew towards Eren. My gas finished off just as I reached Eren. "That was the last bit of gas I had. I'm going after him. Give me all your gas and blades. Hurry!" I commanded Eren just before a black figure behind him coughed faintly.

The black figure was Armin. Eren was going insane after figuring out that Armin was alive. He shouted at me excitedly to give the titan serum to Armin. A certain gut feeling made me hesitate. What if Erwin isn't dead? I was handing the serum out to Eren when Floch arrived with Erwin on his back. He said that Erwin is alive and gravely injured. I took the serum back, sure that I will inject it to Erwin. "Captain?" Eren asked, surprised and scared. I checked Erwin's nose with my hand.

"He's still breathing. He's still alive...". I can keep (Y/N)'s promise... "We're giving this injection to Erwin" I stated. Eren suddenly stood up, facing me. "You just said you'd use it on Armin.." he told me, tears streaming from his eyes. "I'm choosing to keep alive the man who will save humanity" I replied to Eren. Behind me, Mikasa got her blade out.

"You guys, do you have the faintest damn clue on what you're doing? We are talking about Erwin Smith. The commander of the Survey corps. You're telling me to sit here and let him die? There's no time. Get out of my way." I told them before Eren held the box of titan serum in my hands. "Eren, look past your feelings." I told him. "My feelings? Why did you hesitate before handing over the injection?" Eren asked me. Wasn't it obvious? I was trying to keep a promise that I made. I just had to take the chance...

"I was considering the possibility that Erwin was alive." I answered. "I don't see how you ever could ever have predicted that Floch would bring the dying commander." Eren stated. "You're right. But now that Erwin is here, we're using it on him." I told him my final decision. To my surprise, he still tugged on to the box and I had no choice other than punching him on his face, and sending him flying. Mikasa ran at me with her sword and jumped on me with her blade on my throat. Why couldn't I fight her? I was always stronger than her, but, was it guilt that made me feel this way? The fact that I probably was being selfish? That I wanted Erwin alive more for personal reasons than just the fate of humanity?

Hanji pulled Mikasa off me. She explained to her that everyone lost people dear to them today. She lost Moblit, how she regretted not going out with him even once, how she wished to bring him back too along with many other comrades. I was up on my foot now, kneeling in front of Erwin with the injection out. Suddenly, I felt someone grab my feet. "Heichou, have you heard of the ocean?" he said. He told me how much Armin wanted to see it. Floch tried to stop him but he said it anyway. I realised that he wasn't any different from me. He wanted his best friend back. I wanted (Y/N)'s happiness. I didn't have any right to choose who is to live and who is to die but at that moment, I was forced to make a choice. I chose to give in to my personal gain.

"Troops, clear the area! Erwin will turn into a titan and eat Berthold!" I commanded. "Fools, all of them... Like little kids... The way they scream and flail..." I muttered as I walked towards Erwin with Berthold. Suddenly, flashes of my conversation with Kenny came to my mind. "They couldn't keep going unless they were drunk on something..." he told me. I folded Erwin's jacket up to his elbow. I brought the injection towards his hand. "They were all slaves to something. Even him", Kenny's voice rang in my ear just as Erwin's hand shot up. " Teacher... How'd y... find out that they don't exist?" Erwin muttered.

Realisation flowed through my mind. Someone as self obsessed as Kenny decided to die when he achieved his dreams. I remembered the conversation I had with Erwin before the expedition. The one where he said that he didn't have much plans for after he finds out what was in the basement. The conversation from before the suicide march rang in my head. "There were so many times that I thought it would be easier to just die." I remembered Erwin saying that. Erwin was able to work his wonders only because of his curiosity on what was in the basement. If he found out what was in the basement, he won't have any reason to fight anymore. Sure, he loved (Y/N) but that had nothing to do with this fight. He already gave the responsibility of (Y/N)'s safety to me before the suicide march.

Even if Erwin lived, he wouldn't be able to contribute much to humanity's victory anymore. Armin on the other hand, still has a dream that was far from being achieved. "I need to keep (Y/N) and my child safe. No matter what." I thought. Erwin's death was crucial for humanity's victory. With that thought, I injected Armin with the titan serum.

To be continued...

Taglist: @reality-is-often-disappointing, @kingtamakimurder

#levi aot #shingeki no kyoujin levi #levi attack on titan #levi x reader #levi x fem!reader #levi×reader #captain levi #levi ackerman

9 notes · View notes