#every single thing. and it also sucks bcs i feel like smth changed in out relationship but it's either true or i'm doubting my relationship

[bixiaoshi]

i have a feeling that one of my... friends? doesn't like me anymore and it fucking sucks

[bunnihearted]

im still mad ._.

😭😭😭😭 fr im just so annoyed like i dont actually want my neighbors to die. they make me so angry and im irritable and it makes me feel better to make an offhand comment abt it that wont even make a difference to their lives. they will keep making noise everyday. they will go to work and they have friends and partners and they're living their lives w support and care and love. i sit in my room and rot all alone, going crazy by all the noise since my brain is so weak. in my experience, asking someone politely to consider the noise they're making only makes them agressive and vengeful (i.e they'll start making even more noise just to mess w u). the only thing i can do is to take my anger and express it in an agressive way in a space away from them. i have never killed anyone. i most likely never will (sorry but i cant promise i wouldnt kill a rapist, pedophile or animal abuser). i have never acted agressively or violently against my neighbors. if i heard they died i wouldnt celebrate (i would most likely just go 'oh that sucks :/' then go on abt my day bc even if u dont wanna admit it that's how most ppl would react). im not actively doing anything to cause them to die. i am not making plans that i want to carry out. all i do is make a comment born out of frustration and rage (bc honestly apartments shouldnt even be built to let noise thru) bc that's all i can do to channel my emotions.

"just bc they make noise" yeah bc i have to sit here every single fkn day and listen to every step they (3 apartment units) take. every cabinet they slam. every door they close. every chair they scrape against the floor. the guy next to me stands in his kitchen for hours some days, and i can hear him bang stuff in the sink. the ones in the apartment above him stand in their kitchen once in the morning and once in the afternoon and bangs smth (sounds like a hammer kinda) for 20 mins. in the middle of the night at 3 am when im trying to sleep they start making a noise that i can hear thru my earplugs so i cant sleep. the guy above me is drilling and hammering stuff regularly, which sounds like he's in the room next to me doing that. he also does smth that cause rhytmic bangs that can last for hours. they generate noise every single day. all throughout the day. im lucky if i can get 15 mins straight where it's quiet.

the thing is i've lived here for 25yrs. it's NEVER been this bad. one guy above me had a surround sound system and had it on high volume for an hour every morning but that was the only thing i heard. another neighbor next to me i could hear when they put away their clean dishes but i couldnt hear anything else. these apartments do not have "thin walls". sound does not easily slip thru. it does that when the inhabitants have no furniture and no decorations/stuff on the walls. and in combination with being heavy handed/heavy footed (some ppl are prone to clomping around while other ppl are light on their feet. some ppl use force to slam cabinets and doors instead of just closing them). ppl who live here recently are students, so they live here for a couple of years and therefore dont bother to get furniture. and that causes their apartments to let out all noise they make. ofc u can blame the architecture (again, buildings should be built to let thru noise). but i've never experienced this kind of noise from neighbors before, smth has changed lately). also bc of trauma im hypervigilant and my brain takes in and process everything in my surroundings. all of the constant bangs, stomps, and diverse noise makes my heart rate spike and makes me stressed, tense and angry. i have a high blood pressure bc of this. (plus theres noise everywhere constantly bc of construction outside so i never get to relax). my brain isnt healthy or normal when it comes to noise. that isnt my fault or smth i can control. it's also not smth therapy or medication can fix. my noise sensitivity makes me suicidal. and ofc thats no one's fault. my neighbors' are just living their lives, they dont care abt me and therefore they arent doing it with the intent to harm me

but im still in psychological agony bc of it. it's not their fault and thats why im not knocking on their doors and threatening to kill them if they dont shut up. but it's still driving me insane and thats why im venting abt my frustrations, expressing myself in a way that lightens my rage. for self preservation. 'wishing' death on someone actually isnt as straighforward as wanting it to happen. or making it happen. or being happy if it happened. if they died someone else would just move in and continue the noise. but in the moment it makes me feel better so i will say it. ppl have genuinely wished death upon ppl for way less. hell, ppl are out there killing other ppl for bs! women are being chopped up and buried in pieces by the men they thought loved them. yet i am a horrible monster for venting my frustrations without actually intentionally irrepairably hurting someone?

anyway humans are making so much uneccesaary noise every day all the time. sm noise that dont need to exist. it wouldnt have to if society was better. i mean, the noise of fireworks kills millions of animals every year. noise can have a psychological and physical affect on many many ppl. you are lucky and fortunate if noise doesnt affect you. but ppl whose brains arent wired like you exist. and it is we who have to live in a world that is constructed to cause us harm every single day. i am allowed to be angry bc this is what my life is gonna be like every single day. i am allowed to vent in a way that is personally uncomfortable to you, bc it will never change and i know it never will. i am never gonna kill anyone bc they make noise. but that co exists w the fact that there's a lot of noise that humans make that is completely unessecary, but no one cares bc most ppl are normal and they dont care abt what ppl with sensory issues have to go thru.

im also allowed to vent abt my emotions in a way that is uncomfortable to u. maybe thats too much for u, and thats valid. but you need to recognize that you should just go hmm that's not it for me, and then move on and be on your way. it's condescending and arrogant to force ppl to only express themselves in a way you personally approve of. you and i may not value things the same, and therefore there's no reason for us to co exist in the same space. it might be "just noise" to you, but to me noise is excrutiating and affects me so deeply it gives me suicidal and homicidal emotions as well as physical stress responses that take a toll on my physical health.

[hoedameron]

Dark Winds anon back again to talk about the new episode bc I have so many thoughts and no one to tell them to irl!! What an episode man aughhhhhhhh. (These thoughts are very disjointed so bare with me) The whole hospital scene was sooooooo cool! whoever did the lighting for that needs a raise fr. I almost wish it had been a longer sequence with Joe and Bern having to go inside and stalk blondie/ protect Chee, but that’s alright. Speaking of Joe, I’m absolutely loving the little descent to madness he’s got going on. The staring off into space, dismissing anything that isn’t the manhunt, the obvious exhaustion etc all works so well. Bern was really keeping an eye on Joe the whole episode, which leads me to think that she’s at least somewhat caught onto his spiraling and is….. Concerned….. at the very least. It does make me wonder just how much they’re going to touch on Bern’s feelings regarding Joe Jrs death, esp since she says he was like a little brother to her in s1. Personally I think that, unlike Joe, she would probably be able to keep her feelings out of her work more, and that she’ll probably be a rock for him (at least on the professional side, her deal with Joe and the border patrol job is smth else entirely) rather than succumbing to the same recklessness as Joe. (Tho if anything happened to Joe or Jim I imagine that might change). My guess is that if we see any of her thoughts about it, it’ll be a quieter moment off the frontlines. but that’s a complete guess, I could be wrong about all of that! Overall, another great ep. I won’t lie the timeline is sort of throwing me off (it doesn’t seem like it’s been 6 days since the events of the first ep) but maybe I’m just dumb. Veryyyy much looking forward to the next episode which based on the preview seems to be a lot of injured Zahn McClarnon walking simulator, my favorite!

OMG HELLO BABE sawwwy i had a swamped up week and barely had enough energy </3

every single episode keeps gettng etter and better like what did they put in this show that makes it sooooooo scrumdillyumptious....YESSSSS the entire coloring of this season has been sexy as hell and i hope whomever had a part in that decision gets sloppy onthe reg. joe can go on a spiral as a treat for having to deal with another whitte man messing around with his livelihood like totally understandable it's only fair. goshhhh, my bbygirl bern needs a break !!!!!! and she is also always the one getting thrown into the supernatural-esque situations like omfg GIRL.

that's why i adore the relationship between joe and bern because they take care of each other like they can alwys lean on each other and trust one another with each other's lives. no, you're right, i do think bern might be the anchor in the storm and the one who would most likely face consequences for their actions is joe since it's now eating away at him. the questions of how did that buckle end up there? what really happened? just swirling around in his head. naurrr, it's going rather quickly and that's the thing that sucks about this show is that it's only six episodes long </3 even my dad was like wthhhh do you mean it's only six episodes ....my thoughts exactly. at the same time, i do think that if it was any longer than 10 episodes, it might be a litle drawn out like i've seen shows with long seasons and it's not always good lol. WHUMP JOE EVERYON EO N THE WHUMP HURT NO COMFFORT JOE TRAIN BABEYYY!! two premium tickest please ^_^

[blurglesmurfklaine]

📓 tell me ur thoughts....

EDIT: I THOUGHT I POSTED THIS BUT I NEVER DID???? MY BAD THIS HAS BEEN READY FOR WEEKS

1) please do not take this the wrong way but although I have a Lot Of Things I Like, I am a glee/Klaine blog and mostly wrote fic about them akdhakdj and I noticed you’re multi fandom and idk if there’s glee there so i don’t know how we ended up following each other but i ain’t complaining bc you’re super cool and also I AM SORRY IN ADVANCE THIS IS ABOUT KLAINE FROM GLEE *right where you left me plays gently in background*

This one shit lived rent free in my head around December of last year and I *almost* started writing it but I didn’t?? I might fuck around and try to finish it in time for this year Christmas though!

Blaine is a choir director at a middle school (no I’m not projecting……. Yes I’m projecting, but I’m also just a slut for teacher AUs) and Kurt is an English teacher/coach.

Theyve been working together for four years or so, and it’s coming up towards the end of the fall semester, and there’s a holiday exchange between coworkers. Kurt gets someone random and Blaine says he gets the science teacher or smth I don’t fucking know

Blaine has been feeling burnt out in his position for some time, ever since an administration change a couple of years ago, and he’s thinking about leaving schools. Throughout the fic it would like, jump back and forth between the present and show key moments in their friendship: at the beginning Blaine goes to a volleyball game to support his athlete students and he’s like “I try to make it to what I can. I will say, I’ve never seen a coach at a single one of their concerts.” And Kurt’s internally like “aight bet I’m going to every single one.”

Another moment is during a work day, they just hang out and help each other decorate/set up their classrooms

Kurt consoles Blaine after administration cuts his budget or keeps pulling kids out of his class

They get closer and closer but in the present, Blaine’s talking to his classes and admitting that he won’t be back after the end of the semester. The kids are like “IS IT BECAUSE WE SUCK???” And blaines just like no, you were the reason I stuck it out so long. Kurt overhears this and confronts Blaine later like “YOU LITTLE SHIT WHEN WERE YOU TELLING ME YOU WERE LEAVING??” but then calms down and is like “I hope you go somewhere you’re truly appreciated” blah blah

Finally, it’s the last day of the semester, and the faculty have their holiday gist exchange, and Kurt gives his gift to random teacher and SURPRISE Blaine had Kurt, so he gives him his gift and is like “just don’t open it until after I leave.” and then they say goodbye, Blaine takes off, and Kurt opens it and it’s something really nice and thoughtful idk I don’t have all the answers aight??? But there’s also a card in there that says “The kids weren’t the only reason I stayed so long.”

And then Kurt runs to the parking lot and is like “HEY BITCH WHAT THE FUCK?? YOU CANT JUST SAY THAT AND THEN PEACE OUT?” and then they kiss!

So yah there’s that lol

[beeapocalypse]

got tagged by robin in that cute little 'get to know ppl better' question post. didnt want to add to the huge rb chain so here this is lol

favorite piece of clothing? jackets. i choose one and wear it for like three years straight lol currently ive got a jacket from goodwill thats got knit sleeves and a jean body. its very ugly but its got a good weight

comfort food? im a big fan of soup and meatballs. italian wedding soup is okay but im not a huge fan of combining the two

favorite time of year? monsoon season. used to go out and watch the lightning a lot w my neighbor as a kid and it rules when its gray and cloudy all day long

favorite song? oh god idk LOL its a very mood dependent thing. i always rlly rlly love conceited by anarchy 99 and away. by crisis sigil and judgement day by girls rituals and IM A FREAK CUZ IM ALWAYS FREAKED OUT by black dresses tho

do you collect smth? i went thru a goodwill clown doll phase but im a changed man. i like collecting weird little cassette tapes my most prized ones are my phone is on 5% by bxnshy (shes an arizonan artist. found it in a little record shop and thought that was very very cool) and this yellow greek (i think???) tape that is like a singers live performance. its got a very nice vibe 2 it

favorite drink? peach tea. i dont have any fun coffee answers here bc drinking even the slightest amount of caffeine makes me feel like that post where someone was rping as sans drunk off ketchup i CANNOT handle it lol

favorite fanfiction? this question is so so funny i love it. what the hell. heres a little list bc i love to talk abt writing and share writing that i like <33

to treat with beasts by thesunkencost fucking rules i love the style and the interactions and the entire bit where the graverobber shares a bit abt herself telling the abomination abt her husband and the dog fights he would bet on makes me shriek. my god

the troubles by nazu_gull. i have not read this in a very long time but the entire atmosphere of it is imprinted on my brain like a stamp and ive always wanted 2 be able to get to that sort of Realism in the depiction of grief. the fact that the images 4 it are no longer there absolutely sucks they were the best

and bc i have a bad memory i have a ton of little concepts and scenes from past fics ive read stuck in my head that i cannot remember where they come from so here is a little list of those

- i think it was part of the annual payday secret santa but there was a fic where dallas went back 2 his parents house and got houston his collection of hot wheels and model cars and the entire idea of that makes me emo every single time i think abt it

- i am not linking this bc apparently the author orphaned their account on ao3 but my god. in this dd fic there is a very very tiny moment with this fucked up formatting that GOT me the first time i read it. look at this

- and also an honorary mention 4 the deviantart ds fic series titled some shit like 'wilson is insane' or whatever thaat i read as a kid that was my first exposure 2 unconventional narratives and weird formatting that i am pretty sure was a huge background foundational influence for how i want to write now. i do not remember any details abt it but i do remember thinking it was the most mind blowing shit ever lol

u can just lie and say i tagged u if any of u want 2 do this

[lihikainanea]

can you please write smth where tiger's having a rough migraine but she wont tell bill bc she knew he'd drop work and would be at home in a snap of fingers if she told him smth, and then when he comes home he finds her in her room with all her blinds shut and doors closed to not let the light come through bc it makes her head ache more and its hurting so much already that she had thrown up a couple of times and he's worried and upset that she didnt call him but then takes care of her?

oh goddddd nani babes this is so sweet. As a fellow migraine sufferer, god I feel junk punched by this one.

I don’t know about any of you, sometimes I can feel a migraine come on from a day or two before--something will just feel off, I’ll get a nosebleed, or I have one of those “haha I’m so stressed god it’s a miracle I haven’t gotten a migraine yet” moments and then the next day--BAM. Flattened. Sometimes too, though, they just come out of nowhere. I’ll be fine, and then my vision will skew, my stomach will turn, and I know I have about a 5-10 minute window before I’m in some serious pain.

I get all the symptoms, too. Nausea. Extreme sensitivity to light. Blurred vision, or total blackout vision. Splitting pain. If I’m lucky, it only lasts a day. I’ve had some bad ones that last a long ass time and it’s awful.

So like, look--maybe tiger feels one coming on. Maybe Bill is on set--he’s in town, just on set for 16 hours every day--and tiger has been working like the boss bitch she is. But one morning at work--she feels it. That drilling sensation above her left eye--it’s a headache for now, but the minute the vision in her eye goes wonky she knows what she’s in store for. She quickly packs her shit, pops a few really strong Tylenol in an effort to fight it off (sometimes it works), and she heads home. She has a routine, one that works half the time--some strong Tylenol, a whole bottle of gatorade, and ten minutes later--two espressos. Hydration and caffeine can sometime nip it in the bud, if she’s lucky.

She’s not so lucky this time. She gets these, usually with the change of seasons or the barometric pressure being all off. She half contemplates calling Bill, but when she squints her eyes enough to see the time she realizes that he’s only been on set for two hours, and probably hasn’t even made it out of the make up chair yet. This shoot is a short one and every hour counts, and she can’t ruin his day.

Instead she stumbles to try and get her stuff ready for the long haul--cold compresses, warm compresses, her bottle of pain meds, some water. She barely makes it to bed.

And that’s exactly where she proceeds to stay for the next 14 hours.

The poor bean, it’s awful. The pain is so bad at one point that she dry heaves. And even if she wants to call Bill now, there’s no fucking way she can even function long enough to do that. She can barely speak. She’s just curled up in bed, in complete darkness, trying to relax and not tense up, whimpering in pain.

Bill wraps around midnight--he calls her, but it goes to voicemail. He thinks maybe she might be asleep, but something doesn’t sit right because she hasn’t texted him all day--and when she goes to bed, she always tells him goodnight. It’s a sweet sentiment, but also a warning that his lanky ass better not make too much noise when he comes home, lest he wake her up. He shakes off a feeling of malaise, and heads home.

But the hairs on his neck stand on end when he pulls up and every single one of the lights inside are off. He can’t explain it, but his Little Human alert is dinging furiously and he doesn’t know why. Taking the steps two and three at a time, he swings open the door and calls out to her.

But like, listen--the door whipping open and shutting harshly after, Bill’s loud voice calling for her? Fuck man, that’s torture when you have a migraine. And all he hears is her whimper, her choking sob, and he knows right away. And while he wants to be angry, his first instinct is just...concern. Care. He heads to the bedroom immediately, trying to walk as softly as he can.

“Oh kid,” he whispers lowly. He approaches slowly, crouching on her side of the bed and putting a soothing hand on her. She’s scrunched up so small, tensed in a tiny ball, in way too much pain.

“Billy,” she croaks out, and it’s half sob, half relief, half whimper of pain.

“It’s okay tiger, I’m here,” he whispers, “I got you.”

He’s trying not to talk too much because even a whisper is too loud, and tiger is just kind of full on crying now which is no doubt causing her even more pain.

“Hush,” he soothes, “I’ll be right back.”

There are a few things that help ease some of the pain, but more often than not, she just has to let it pass on its own. He gets some room temperature water and a straw, to help her swallow some more meds. He gets some new cold compresses, and heats up her warm ones. Granny made a ginger tea, a home remedy, that used to help with tiger’s symptoms--so he makes a mug of that.

He makes his way back to the room, puts the straw to her lips for a sip. When she’s done he just gently pushes two pain pills between her lips, giving her the straw back so she can swallow.

He doesn’t want to move her just yet--he will eventually, but he’ll let the pain meds kick in a tad first. Instead he just gently--oh, so gently--replaces the warm compress on her neck, places a new cool one on her forehead. She flinches at that one, and he apologizes softly.

She can’t sit up and sip the tea, and he purposely popped a few ice cubes in so it wouldn’t scald him. But then he just real gently dips two fingers in, and holds them to her mouth. She sucks the tea off of them that way--and he keeps doing it. Just getting a bit of liquid on his fingers and holding them to her mouth so she could wrap her lips around.

His other hand is on her somewhere--her thigh, her side. He wants to weave it through her hair but he can’t touch her head when she’s like this, even the softest head scritchies would still cause her too much pain. When she’s halfway done her tea, he starts on the second part of what usually helps her--just holding her tight, giving her something else to focus on, and pressing on a few pressure points that she taught him.

“I’m gonna move you kid,” he whispers. and she stirs a little. he climbs onto the bed as gently as he can, gathering her in his arms as he sits with his back to the headboard. She lets out an agonized whine.

“I know, I’m sorry,” he murmurs, “It’ll feel better in a second.”

He scoots her up onto him a bit more, cradles her head to his chest. He pats gently at her stomach with one hand, using his other one to pinch hard between her forefinger and her thumb. He alternates between pressing down hard on it, and rubbing slow circles.

It helps, but nothing but time will make it completely go away.

I’ll bet he falls asleep like that, doesn't he? Because pain is an exhausting thing, and after so many hours of it, tiger’s body just kind of shuts down and knocks itself out--and miraculously, she falls asleep. He hears her breaths evening out, feels some of the tension leaving her, and he too kind of sags in relief. He doesn’t dare move once she drifts off, not wanting to wake her. He knows how painful these are for her, and he’s going to have a long talk with her tomorrow about how she should have called him. How he doesn’t ever want her to be in pain like this, for that long, alone again. 

But for that night, he drifts off real soon after she does. Propped up against the headboard like that, her all curled up in his arms.

[lovenona]

me, waking up: oh another day. then, after reading your answer: HOLY SHIT. guess i'm now the loving ramble enabler (LRE?). and DO NOT apologize for being passionate about smt that makes you happy you lovely human being that u are! hearing you ramble (how many times will i use this word idek) about the creation process made my day dammit! and i can assure you, reading about it is as good as reading the masterpiece itself, especially considering how good you are at manifesting the vibes (tm) (pt1)

(pt 2 bc word count sucks) how did you first get interested in pirate history? (if you don't mind me asking ofc) *slides 15 bucks* please, be my guest. do tell us more about the writing/revision process. sincerely, a genuinely interested person currently wondering why the fuck tumblr won't let her do a paragraph break. have a lovely night/day!

bestie ur rly enabling me 😭 ur so sweet skSJKAJSk i will tell u so much under this god damn cut 

first because this is the easy response: how did u get interested in pirate history????

short answer: keira knightley in pirates of the caribbean BYE 💀

long answer: it’s basically a mix of those movies being a centerpiece of my childhood and me just thinking pirates are cool SKJSKAj i’m very much into history n my uni had a course on ‘history of pirates’ last spring so i took it as smth to do during quarantine and i ended up really loving it !!! i’m actually workin on historical fiction short story abt anne bonny and mary read rn which required me to do a lot more research on pirates (under the black flag by david cordingly is a very good book on piracy!) and my research has been very interesting just in general and for writing the odyssey – i've incorporated little historical tidbits here n there to add to the world-building :’)

next: ur writing process

ok so let’s go cray besties i’m going to tell u abt the life of adele writing the odyssey!!!! i’ll try talking abt this in some semblance of a logical step-by-step

1. manifesting vibes + outline

i talked abt this last time but manifesting the vibes is very important ! the first things i like to do when getting ready to write a new chapter is define the setting – place(s), weather, time, and general mood 

while i have a pretty good idea of how many chapters it will be and where the odyssey ends, i usually don’t plan a chapter in super great detail until it’s time to sit down n write it. i have general points of people to include + things that would be important to the plot + vibes i hope to include (parts 6 and 7 r gonna SLAP!!), but these never get fleshed out until it’s Time. my outlines are therefore usually not very detailed because i like to give the odyssey room to do its own thing – i find it important that the story takes its time and we get to the important stuff whenever it wants us to. an outline will usually b something like, in the case of the furies call part 2: 

find megumi, talk abt his role in the zenin clan – naoya arrives on shore and shit hits the fan – run to find mai, maki fights her father – fight between naoya and todou – todou dies because you can’t kill naoya – sukuna rescues reader and it ends

after i have smth that looks like this as well as a decently clear idea of how everything will look and feel we get started!!

2. writing (pain)

arguably the worst stage for any creator! writing! at this point i genuinely just let go and let god tbh. i have no idea how i do things at this stage other than see how many commas + dumb poetic phrases i can include SKKSJKA – sometimes things just happen and it’s really cool!! for example in part 4 i didn’t know the guns warehouse was going to blow up until i was writing it and it just happened 

i do have a set quota of words i meet every time i sit down to write so that i A. feel accomplished and happy when i'm done, even if it sucks and B. don’t get burnout and start hating what i do. this stage is always difficult because writing is just hard and takes a lot of brainpower and self-discipline </3

i wld say the hardest part is that i run the risk of getting very overwhelmed – by the complexities of the plot, by how fucking long it takes me to write, by how much work writing itself is ! for example, abt 7k or so into part 5 i started having the worst existential dread when i realized that this chapter was not even halfway done and i wld have to surpass 15k before it was (at the time of writing this, part 5 is 16.3 💀) it just gets hard sometimes to overcome that and maintain the motivation to keep going and know that everything will be fine when it’s done – thankfully everyone here is so patient and sweet so it makes me feel better when i'm taking forever and/or need time off <333

basically, as always, the pain of writing is just having to write and come to terms with the fact no one else is going to manifest it for u. and have fun too!! writing is only fun when ur writing what u think is cool 

3. revision (less pain)

one of the fun stages, but also the point when i start to become impatient! writing an odyssey chapter can easily take 2.5-3 weeks even if i'm writing my quota every single day (part 5 took roughly 3 weeks of writing every god damn afternoon) and after that i spend another few weeks just going back and rereading/fixing everything. 

i basically start by rereading sections of the chapter to change sentence structure, grammar, dialogue, or whatever else i don’t like – sometimes sentences sound stupid or certain things don’t make a whole lot of sense so i like to go back and polish up! for example i changed the arrival of maki/mai/nobara in furies call part 1 about ten times before i decided it made sense to me

this step can be horrendous because i'll often write things really shitty in the first draft with a “i’ll come back to this later” mindset and then get mad at myself later for being a hoe <//3

in essence, i'm a horrible perfectionist so i will usually reread everything and change or add things multiple times before i think i'm finally ready to share. most of the time, as the chapter gets closer and closer to completion i become more and more hyper-fixated on it – i’ll start spending almost all of my free time just rereading and looking for minor fixes or places that don’t vibe as well. 

at the end of this step, my favorite thing to do before i queue the chapter up to post is sit down and just read the entire thing once or twice and give it one last kiss before i send her off into the world <3

so anyway there’s my ted talk of how i usually make the odyssey ! i vibe, write, revise n take forever to do all three steps but that’s just part of the fun! thank u for tuning in if u have any other questions u wld like me to overshare on i am more than happy to talk abt it :’)

[spacey-png]

🎥🎶💢?

Adsfsfsd tumblr sucks at giving me notifications I didn’t see this until now but-

🎥 do you have any favorite scenes from your hyperfixation?

YES there’s several actually!

Bakugo vs Ochaco fight- this is probably one of my favorite fights throughout the entire show despite how short and inconsequential it is ^^; I just really love that it shows how smart and quick thinking ochaco is, plus it delves a little deeper into her motivation for become a hero! I was genuinely kinda upset when she lost :,)

Iida vs Stain- there’s no real reason for this one besides I love how iida/deku/todoroki interact with eachother AND seeing iida go feral was a very wild and very fun experience

Mirio vs Chisaki- the entire overhaul arc utterly destroyed me every single time I have watched it- especially the Mirio vs Chisaki scene. I can’t point out everything specific about the scene that I love- Just something about Mirio fighting by himself against probably one of the more deadly villains he’s faced, risking everything all to save one little girl just really really does smth to me, he’s probably one of the better heroes in the show imo

🎶 if your hyperfixation has songs/an ost, what is your favorite song from it?

YESYESYESYES The Day by Pornograffitti and Odd Future by UVERworld absolutely slap (also the last opening in season 4 I can’t find the name but it’s SO GOOD)

💢 what do you NOT like about your hyperfixation? is there something you would want to change about it?

Hmmm probably a lot of the same stuff other people don’t like tbh-

-the whole child soldier thing for one, I have no idea WHY these freshmen are being put on the front lines. They are children, I’m sure there were better options than risking 14-15 y/o’s lives

- female characters being treated how they are, they’re needlessly oversexualized for the most part and Horikoshi really does not care about writing them in the slightest. It makes me really sad bc I actually love the female characters but I feel like most of their depth comes from fanon rather than canon (despite maybe one or two of them)

- not really something I dislike abt it but just kinda smth I’ve always been confused abt: I have absolutely no idea how Hagakure passed and it bothers me a bit

-I wish half the class had more screen time!!! Like I wanna know more abt tokoyami, sato, shoji, hagakure, and Ojiro!!! I really hate that there’s so many characters in the class but only a handful get screen time!!

[mnogorgannik]

2 10 n 11 :)

this is basically an essay im so sorry. watch how hard i can infodump (ill put this under a cut hopefully it works bc sometimes tumblr decimates the keep reading things if theyre in asks)

2. Who’s your favorite of the Bound? What do you think of the different ideologies they have? Which of the factions are you most aligned with?

WE ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER I AM A PETER LOVER THROUGH AND THROUGH!!!!!! oh baby i love that morally questionable architect. pretty early on in getting into pathologic (it’s coming up on a year now...) i thought about peter stamatin too hard and now i’m here. but really i find him to be such a fascinating character!

the thing about pathologic that i love is how almost every character can be as complex as you want. pathologic does an excellent job of implying a lot of character traits while only exploring some in further detail, which in some games is frustrating but patho does it so well! it consistently hints at traits and lets you fill in the details yourself. peter’s character is extremely interesting to me... and maybe a little more relatable at times than i want to admit lol.

i think i’ll talk about both stamatins though! their dynamic hurts me a lot. i’ll start with andrey bc i’ve been thinking about him lately. although i’ll bounce back and forth between both stamatins.

i’ve said this before but i’ll say it again.... andrey’s role as a protector who inadvertently hurts the people he cares about really gets to me. he is not a shield but, in his own words, a battering ram. and the problem is that battering ram has a recoil.

i have to wonder how that mentality of his came about, anyways. the implication is that it’s always just been him and peter, so did he take on that role because there wasn’t anyone else to do it?

in his efforts to protect peter from... military, i believe, he kills four people. which leads to daniil getting mistaken for andrey, which leads to daniil getting shot. and almost dying. he protects peter but to a smothering extent, peter even says he’s been suffering for ten years bc of andrey which is a LOADED line. he protects on a physical level but he kinda fucks up on the emotional.

there’s a horrible irony in peter and eva being the people he cares about the most and both attempting suicide. with eva once she’s missing he immediately goes running off trying to look for her, and . ahh i can’t remember right off hand what exactly he thought happened. but ik he was probably expecting a fight. with peter he says that after that he’ll never let peter leave his side, at least “as far as his knife can fly”... it sounds cheesy but the one thing he can’t save anyone from is themself.

and god the way andrey bases his ENTIRE sense of self worth on peter fucking hurts. they’re not peter and andrey, the architects. they’re Peter And Andrey, The Architect. (thinking about “one architect, two brothers” here.) andrey thinks he’s larger than life and all but he’s constantly living in peter’s shadow. their theatre of death positions come to mind here, with peter standing up, looking down at andrey. but andrey is on his knees in front of peter, arms limp to his sides.... separated by a wooden beam...

peter’s side of this dynamic is fascinating too. his dependency on andrey is. ow. leaving all practical matters and decision making to him... there’s this resentment (That’s Fine I’ve Been Suffering For Ten Years Because Of Him) and lack of communication that especially shows through for him.

while in p2 andrey completely crumbles if peter dies, peter doesn’t seem to care...... at all....?? which hopefully is elaborated upon in p2. he’s willing to talk to aspity about worrying if andrey is angry with him but he can’t bring it up with andrey himself. when he asks how andrey is doing he stops and says andrey is a “tough man” and can handle anything. in general, while it’s definitely there for andrey, themes of dependency are really glaringly obvious for peter.

one of my favorite peter things i’ve talked about before is still his ego!!! peter has a gigantic ego!!! he really does think that even though he’s hit the ceiling and can’t go any further he is still “a true architect” and “the rock upon which is built the stairway to tomorrow”. he has a blunt edge to him and he doesn’t ever tell you more than he thinks he needs to which i love. if he doesn’t want to tell you something he isn’t gonna do it. this is a character trait i think ppl miss which is sad because it’s so good and adds another layer of depth to him!

it really does hurt me how he’s valued for his mind alone (AHEM AHEM AHEM. GEORGIY) but it’s the thing nobody understands about him. i’m nowhere near as smart as peter lol but i do know that pain of feeling like none of your ideas can be understood because you just can’t express them the way you’d like, and then feeling like you’ll never be able to make it happen.

also, here’s a little thing  i’ve picked up on. this connection probably doesn’t exist but i’m making it because the stamatins make me lose my mind and start becoming one of those people who looks for connections in everything i guess. peter standing in the theatre of death, andrey below him. peter’s loft being at a high point in the town, the broken heart being underground. peter’s loft is also higher north on the map but the broken heart is lower south. just smth interesting

i have more thoughts on them of course! but this is all getting awfully long. i feel like i’ve only just gotten to the tip of the iceberg  even though i’ve written so much skfjskfjs this just feels quite surface level or. at least what is surface level for me who thinks about the stamatins so hard.

anyways i’ll keep my answers to the other two parts of this question quick! peter and andrey’s more creative vs practical mindsets are rly neat. especially because i would actually argue peter is a little more grounded in reality in certain aspects. not all, but certain ones...... their take on the utopian ideology is interesting. hot take: peter’s version of utopianism leans a tad towards humility. and andrey /does/ feel “straightforward utopian” but i think in certain regards? this man has a bit of a termite streak..... (hi al if you’re reading this). but i won’t get into that right now i’ve already gone on so long. saving that for later.

i think all of the factions kinda suck in their own way sometimes, honestly? although all of them are well written and have their pros and cons. were i in pathologic and i had to choose one i’d probably be a termite but everyone around me seems to think i’m a utopian. is it bc i love peter so much

10. What would you be like as a Pathologic character?

this question is a hard one! i did make a self insert once, mile-a-minute, but they’ve become their own oc by now. i think i’d be very...... very afraid...... probably isolating myself why does every pathologic character break quarantine???? also you could trade beetles with me :) thats about all i’ve got sorry this is real short

11. What is something you would change, writing-wise, about either game?

UGH i’ve been gushing about pathologic because. obviously i love this game so much. but the way it handles racism & such (in both games!) leaves much to be desired :/

i see a lot of the points it’s trying to make but i think the way they’re handled can be very messy. there are moments that work very well but. a lot that don’t. (i am aware that dybowski writes partially from his own experiences)

all too often the game “validates” the kin’s oppression and... at times paints them as oddly antagonistic? i don’t like how often as artemy you’re able to be like “i’m not one of those beasts” and i think there are better ways to touch on his internalized racism. in general the constant comparisons to animals is weird. you get big vlad who is obviously explicitly racist comparing them to animals, but then sometimes it’s like “ACTUALLY calling them animals is fine :)”

i think the herb brides are kind of. Hm. in their portrayal. also using parts of the buryat alphabet to denote an accent is weird. making odongh and herb brides inhuman is weird. connecting the kin to Magic is weird.

and, listen, i’d really like to not be playing Artemy Burakh Experiences a Microaggression Simulator every time i’m playing the haruspex route. hate that you either can’t call ppl out on their shit or if you can it ends the conversation/bars you from getting necessary information. glad you at least get to drag the vlads, i guess?

i also was talking about this but wrt peter specifically, and this issue is present throughout the game but it’s especially visible with peter, i don’t like how often you can mock him for his addiction.

he’s obviously in an extremely rough patch! being able to be just so plain cruel to him about the dependency on alcohol (and iirc in p1 hallucinogens, bc aglaya mentions it) he’s formed to cope with his mental illness & trauma just feels bad. especially because yes it is not a healthy coping mechanism at all but... it still is a coping mechanism, if that makes sense?

the way you’re able to constantly rub it in his face feels awful. peter is fully aware that it isn’t good for him and shows a desire to quit. even if he didn’t it would still be awful to say because. it’s just insensitive. like you don’t just go up to someone and keep being like HEY YOU DRINK A LOT YOU SHOULD STOP DOING THAT DO YOU KNOW WHAT WATER IS? feels really bad to keep harping on something that causes him pain and that he struggles with every single day.

however peter does have moments where he tells you Not to say that, or if you pry into why he drinks he’ll outright say he doesn’t remember you being his friend, which is better than nothing.

in p1 moreso than p2 i hate how you can be like oh he’s craaaazy he’s off his rocker he’s delusional!!!! that “why, i never... an architect of schizophrenia!” comment sticks in my mind because it’s just... so genuinely mean. especially because if i remember correctly that line is from when he’s planning on LITERALLY FUCKING BURNING HIMSELF ALIVE

i think if they were going to have all of this they should have gone more in depth on how it’s really. not good that he’s treated so poorly. and i do believe that’s what they were going for, a la the art book w/ the whole “not to be made into a drunken clown, this is a tragic character”, etc. but it just doesn’t land. i’m holding out for the bachelor and changeling routes in p2 to see if they expand upon any of it but i highly doubt i’ll be satisfied in this regard.

i stand by the One time it was really fucking funny to clown on peter being the time you can tell him little girls eat raspberries and earthworms and he just believes you

[feisty-fae]

If you still do the flower ask thingys.. 👉👈 𝘼𝙡𝙡 𝙤𝙛 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙢 𝙜𝙤 :)

HoooH boY hEre we gO-

Alisons: Sexuality?

I sexually identify as a can of beans

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender?

Cis female she/her

Amaryllis: Birthday?

27 September

Anemone: Favorite flower?

All flowers pretty,, but stargazer lily, rose, dahlia and cherry blossoms

Angelonia: Favorite t.v. show?

I don't watch tv but I'll list some other stuff i like to watch:mha, beastars and aggretsuko

Arum-Lily: What’s the farthest you’d go for a stranger?

Idk depends on scenario??

Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes?

"Kanye West he likes, fingers in his ass."

Aubrieta: Favorite drink?

Any Milkshakes or smoothies (mostly banana and strawberry for milkshake and p much anything for smoothie)

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

I've never had kith

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love?

Well you see yes but actually no

Baneberries: Favorite song?

I listen to a lot but to keep it short:baby in the kitchen, in my mouth and friends slowed (chase atlantic)

Basket of Gold: Describe your family.

We p chill fam

Beebalm: Do you have a best friend? Who is it?

Irl bestie,, shes not on tumblr lol

Begonia: Favorite color?

PinKKK

But i like most colours

Bellflower: Favorite animal?

Cats,,,,

FoxES,

ANYTHING CUDDLY AND CUTE

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person?

Night

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be?

I'd be like a doggo bc it would be the most fun i think-

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I wanted to be a vet but then when my granny asked me "but whos gonna clean up the animal poop?" I was like "eWW pO0pP!" and then decided that mayb i shouldn't be a vet

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children?

They're either really kind and sweet

Or literal demons from hell

Legit no inbetween

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why?

I'm afraid of lot of things-

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood.

I was one dumbass bitcg-

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth?

Idk eat pizza and cry or smth ajakamkw

Buttercup: Relationship Status?

Single

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go?

NEW YORKKK, CONCRETE JUNGLE WHERE DREAMS ARE MADE OFFF THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN'T DO NOW YOU'RE IN NEW YOOORKKK

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved?

When someone hugs me or just generally spends time with me

Canna: Do you have any tattoos?

Nop

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings?

I used to have piercings when i was a bab but eHh haven't worn them since and i dont think my ear holes are big enough now-

California Poppy: Height?

4'10 grrr I'm the omega midget and I'll devour ur ankles

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts?

Nop

Carnation: What are you currently wearing?

Pant, pink top and black hoodie

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight?

I think i have??

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged?

My mom and my dad

Chrysanthemum: Who’s the last person you kissed?

I never kith

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?

I dont have one so imma say sans bc it always looks out of place and makes me laugh-

Columbine: Are you tired?

No

I feel like screaming and jumping around my room like a crackhead

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to?

Nothing in particular ig

Coneflower: Dream job?

Smth kinda fun and art or design related hopefully,,,,

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert?

Introvert but i also get lonley easily

Crocus: Have you ever been in love?

Nop,,,,

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about?

I would get run over by 5 monster trucks, jump off a plane, get mauled by 10 bears, get trampled on by a stampede, get brutally tortured for 12 hours straight, yeet myself into the Grand Canyon and then break all my bones with my bare hands if they weren't broken already

Ok basically i care a lot

Cyclamen: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? What was it?

I had this st bernard plush called Sparky and this lion named Sammy,,

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign?

Libra

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering?

My memory is legit so bad it's probably concerning uHHH

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment?

Mayb art??

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)?

Ehhh i might reason with them and then if they still disagreed I'd just keep the relationship a secret

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to?

My parents

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at?

Ehhh arT

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at?

EhhHh everything that isn't art-

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month?

Oh boy here comes my shitty memory-

Hmmm

Idk but I'm mostly happy that I've been more social and stuff and i feel like im kinda coming out of my shell a bit

Not sure what to say for other 2 bc nothing in particular has really happend?

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today?

Ehhh oK??

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life?

Mayhapsn't

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two?

I hope to pass all my exams and get an okish job mayb

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life?

1.fRIENBS ILY MY HABIBIS

2. Fammm

3. eHhh yummy food,,

4. Drawing and uhhh art

5. EPIC MUTUALS

6. Ok idk what else aside from like serious stuff like house and etc.-

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed?

Drawing, crying, venting to a friend/parent

Hellebore: How do you show affection?

Hugssss,kith,cuddle, *draws u stuff*

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of?

MmmmmMy aRRt?

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day.

Wake up

Don't go to school

Vibe with friends

Sleeb

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time?

MmMmMM aRT-

Hydrangea: How long have you known your best friend? How did you meet them?

Ehh 8yrs? We met in hell school

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything?

Friendos

Mom

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have?

6..?? Aa idk theres some people that idk if they'd consider me a friend or not,,

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

Idk any compliment is best compliment for me,,

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself?

Ew yucky gröss

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

m y a r t

Also my hair bc its soft and wavy,,

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself?

Everything else-

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?

Climb trees and do dumb shit

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid?

Same irl bestie i mentioned before

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for?

MmmmmmMMM,,,

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?

MMMmMMmMMMMmmmMMm,,,,,,

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name?

Well I chose Fae bc i thought it sounded pretty

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it.

Idk what to rlly say lmao

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?

Kinda the same but i had toys everywhere-

Also when i was like 5 i had this legit fucking cursed thomas the tank engine shaped bed that i actually found a pic of but it's FUCKING HORRIFYING SO I PROBS WONT SHOW HERE-

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years?

EW BEING A TEENAGER SUCKS ASS HOW DO I UNDO????

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.

Hi mom ily ur epic

Onions: Tell about your dad.

Hi dad ily ur epic

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents.

Omg i miss my grannies sm bc i couldn't see em this year bc nasty pandemic

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it be so memorable?

Haha shit memory gor brrRR-

I don't really remember too many specific parties but when i was like 7-10 i had these epic parties in those birthday places with the giant play areas

I kinda wish i wasn't too old to go to them sobs

Peony: What was your first job?

I haven't had a job yet

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any?

Hmmmm idk? I haven't really thought abt that but i don't really mind i just wanna find someone to vibe with,,

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?

I cri

Pink: Where is home?

Home is home home

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change?

Now where do i start...

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them.

I look up to people that are kind, caring, brave, funny, cool or stronger than me ig?

Primrose: Describe your ideal life.

Basically my current life minus school, stress,pandemic and responsibilities lmao

Rhodendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child?

I used to believe in ghosts after i thought i encountered one

Ricinus: Who’s the most important in your life?

Hermmmst

Rose: What’s your favorite sound?

Peoples laughsss also music

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory?

Bro i dont have one,, my aphantasia makes it hard for me to remember stuff-

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory?

A

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want?

I wantttt better chargersss thattt donttt telll meee thatt myyy tablett will finishh chargingg innn 1 dayy andd 7 hoursss

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things?

Kinda difficult but im opening up more

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without?

fRIENDS,,,,,wAh

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night?

8 hrs

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning?

Idk ig i kinda have to go to school and do stuff

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job?

Non existant

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing?

My black and white stripy top, and all my hoodiess

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic.

I don't think i have just one aesthetic bc im drawn to so many different aesthetics at the same time-

Like vintage, neon, dark, spoopy, pastel, cute, etc etc

Tulip: What would be the best present to get you?

OMG I LEGIT JUST SCREAM AT ANYTHING ANYONE GIVES ME-

IF SOMEONE GOES OUT OF THEIR WAY TO MAKE ME SMTH I CRY,,

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now?

🤏

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called?

I haven't been reading anythinggg

But i should really finish reading Percy Jackson bc it do be picking up dust-

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year?

Everywhere

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is?

Mmm yummy 👅

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself.

I am currently living and breathing yes

[1shimaru]

tagged by @latiaso​ !!!

Last Drink: classic milk tea w small boba

Last Phone Call: from the fax machine (i was helping make sure it worked)

Last Text: to a priest for a mass request

Last Song You Listened To: talk by khalid

Last Time You Cried: i don’t remember!! :DD

Have You Ever Dated Anyone: yes

Been Cheated On: nope!!

Kissed Someone And Regretted It: i don’t think so

Lost Someone Special: i don’t remember, so ig not!!

Been Drunk And Thrown Up: never been drunk!! i have thrown up recently, it really sucks!!

List Three Fav Colors: yellow!! blue, purple

In The Last Year Have You…

Made A New Friend: yep!!

Fallen Out Of Love: uhh no

Laughed Until You Cried: YEAH RECENTLY WITH A STRANGE MAGIC GIF

Met Someone Who Changed You: p..probably?? i think u get changed by every little thing so yeah

Found Out Who Your True Friends Are: i haven’t seen my friends in a year due to school, so no

Found Out Someone Was Talking About You: nobody talks abt me?? not in a bad way, i just think i’m a p chill person so there’s nothing to talk abt 

Kissed Someone On Your FB Friends List: i don’t have a FB ://

General:

How many people on your FB friends list do you know irl: don’t have one!! so none

Do you have any pets: nope ;;

Do you want to change your name: i think my names are good!!

What did you do for your last birthday: drink a cup of champagne. it was my 21st and it tasted terrible. my little cousin made me drink more so i’d make a face and she could record it. several times.

What time did you wake up today: 7:30am. i had work today so i had to be up early!!

What were you doing at midnight last night: R ..READING MANGA... specifically senryu shoujo!! i’d reccommend it!!

Name something you CANNOT wait for: warmer weather.... it’s getting so cold even tho it’s summer -_- and also for my friend to come back from spain!!

Last time you saw your mother: a couple hours ago when she was trying to fax smth

What is one thing you wish you could change about life: bro, financial stability :p

What are you listening to right now: the tea by danny gonzalez

Have you ever talked to a person with the name Tom: yeah, we have a father at the parish by that name. he does a lot of the masses

What’s getting on your nerves: my sister always gets on my nerves, ngl

Most visited website: tumblr...//

Nickname: aaron ^0^)/

Relationship status: single!!

Zodiac sign: capricorn

Pronouns: she/they

Fave tv shows: rottmnt, revisited anime, aaahh idk what else rn

Hair color: dark brown w bleached hair that turned orange

Long or short: short hair!! my hair is thick and heavy and feels Greasy Gross when it’s 2 long

Height: 5’3″

Do you have a crush on someone: a little/// but i like them more as friends

What do you like about yourself: oof god you def Know what i’m feeling, idfjgfkj so open...

Tattoos: none!

Righty or Lefty: right

First surgery: i’ve never had surgery!!

First piercing: i had gold studs when i was younger. then they closed and i got em pierced again, now i have gold stars

First best friend: earliest i remember is preschool.. i had 2 friends, a girl and a boy, i used to be pen pals w the girl but i stopped a long time ago

First sport you joined: soccer in 1st grade i think?? p sure we lost every game tho lmao

First pair of trainers: huh?? like sneakers?? how am i supposed to remember that??

Right Now:

Eating: nothing

Drinking: nothing

Listening to: i answered this one!! i’m listening to danny gonzalez songs

Want kids: NO. NEVER. several reasons why. physically? imagine the toll. financially? IMAGINE THE TOLL...

Career: website design?? something fun??? ;;

Which Is Better:

Lips or eyes: idk///

Shorter or taller: tall is sUPER cool

Romantic or spontaneous: romantic?? i think it’s thoughtful, but ig spontaneous can be too!!

Nice stomach or nice arms: ARMS ARMS ARMS ARMS ARMS WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BOOOOOOOOYYYYY

Sensitive or loud: sensitive?? when others r loud it hurts my ears, but i’m always loud!! so what does that mean..

Hook up or relationship: relationship

Troublemaker or hesitant: Hesitant.. u can think things thru n not get hurt, why would i wanna b in trouble >:0

Have You Ever:

Kissed a stranger: no

Drank hard liquor: NO

Lost glasses/contacts: ya

Sex on a first date: NO!!

Broke someone’s heart: i don’t think so!!

Had your own heart broken: no??

Been arrested: nope

Turned someone down: for a relationship? kind of

Cried when someone died: Yeah, this one hedgehog on yt died and i cried so hard...

Fallen for a friend: yea

Do You Believe In…

Yourself: YEP

Miracles: kinda!!

Love at first sight: kinda!!

Santa Claus: No

Kiss on the first date: aww cute, it can happen

Angels: a little!! i think a little magic is Nice

i can’t tag ppl bc it’s 3:30 am!!

[littlebabycrybtch]

ok ik bitches are still going to complain but i gotta rant to keep my shit together;;; ngl after being stuck co-raising two babies now i really feel genuinely Disgusted by unnecessary parent critique. like it actually makes me feel so viscerally upset and depressed when i remember nobody gets this or cares to and probably just wants to call out what im doing wrong, instead of lend me a hand to do it better. man im not treading lightly here the ‘no excuses’ mentality is literally Inhumane to parents and dehumanizes them as these superhumans, they arent, they are people trying to take care of themselves Plus One. there Are ‘excuses’ for not being perfect. just bc every child deserves perfect doesnt mean it can be given and that fucking SUCKS but that is one of the only times im comfortable saying; ‘thats just life’. you cant magically make life better for kids the way you think, you’re not a protector, you’re their Rock to teach them How to DEAL with what life brings, that means you’re allowed to struggle with it too. childcare is like this cosmic design to work you physically and mentally to the brink, fucking forget the normalization of how many people you think you’ve seen raise kids and done fine, it is harder than you can even fathom. they probably did not do fine behind closed doors. the parents with the best behaved and most obedient kids probably did harmful things to make them that way that will eventually come back to them, the parents with the happiest most well adjusted kids probably had the money to provide the extra care for that. there are ‘excuses’. idc if it fucking annoys you or w/e, i dont like being the bitch that says stuff nobody wants to hear, but you truly deeply cannot 100% understand unless you are raising kids, i dont say that to hurt your feewings or exclude you, i used to think that way, i say it bc when you see me passed out on the couch while my nephew gets into something dangerous, its because i got one hour of sleep that night while he kicked me in our bed for 4 hours. he cant help not knowing how that affects both of us, but i cant help being affected by it just cuz im supposed to be ~the big strong adult~, bc i am not a fucking xman. i CANT pretend it all away. while im sitting there napping im also waiting for my mental health meds to start working. im also dizzy from not eating. it sucks that he gets into shit sometimes. hes still gonna get into shit sometimes, and i can do my best, but if i sit here worrying that karens are gonna get pissed abt that and work myself even harder im gonna straight up explode. who does that help. who does me falling apart help. come babysit my kid for free if you wanna help me bitch!

parents are doing twice the work of a normal person while also teaching one of these people theyre caring for, how to BE a person. i used to be SO pro judging parents and im literally nauseated by the judgments now. “i cant believe this parent looked away and their kid got hurt, i cant beleive they just leave them there with a tablet or a snack or a toy while they nap, i cant believe they let them do that, i cant believe--” btich you literally have no idea how lucky you are that they are not both already dead. you are so lucky tehy are both alive and the parent isnt hospitalized for mental health or even physical exhaustion, or addicted to a stimulant (which includes caffeine), or using smth to relax like weed or alcohol (hello wine mom culture), or the kid isnt traumatized from watching their parent have repeatd breakdowns. that is literally better than most situations already. no matter how impossibly perfect the family could be in your mind, kids fuckin get hurt and they make mistakes and the PARENTS make mistakes bc theyre PEOPLE and yall this blows my mind that ppl dont realize this but,,,,, Little kids??? THEY DO NOT LISTEN TO THEIR PARENTS bc they essentially CANT..... for like YEARS there is a period they WILL NOT LISTEN TO YOU at ALL while they have the full autonomy and smarts and strength to cause horrible consequential problems, they are capable of learning how to circumnavigate your ‘babyproofing’ in new ways every single day, but they have ZEROOOOO MORALS OR CAUSE AND EFFECT SKILLS to understand RIGHT FROM WRONG, NO MATTER HOW OFTEN YOU TELL THEM!!!!! IT WONT CHANGE, ITS LITERALLY A PHYSICAL BRAIN THING THAT THEY CANT LEARN WHAT ‘NO’ MEANS FOR A WHILE YET!!! THIS CAN LAST FROM AGE 1 TO 4, SOMETIMES LONGER! THATS GENUINELY INSANITY INDUCING FOR THE ADULT WHOS KEEPING THEM IN LINE HUNDREDS OF TIMES A DAY, KNOWING ITS AMOUNTING TO ALMOST NOTHING UNTIL YEARS LATER!!!! IT DOESNT HELP WHEN PPL JUDGE YOU AND DONT BELEIVE YOU AND THINK YOU JUST ARENT ~TRYING HARD ENOUGH~! holy FUCK dude, idc if you wanna judge, im losing it bc i am being forced to keep my cool while a child whos pinching me and genuinely HURTING and BRUISING me laughs in my face bc he truly DOES NOT KNOW this, and there is NO WAY for me to convey it to make him stop at the moment!!!! thats maddening!!!

listen to me, neither of you dying or experiencing lasting damage is literally the goal every day, not just ‘raising them’, but that you both survive to the end of it. im appalled by how different the lifestyle is and the way ppl just... dont know that/REJECT that information so they get to judge. ofc tiny vulnerable innocent kids deserve the best, parents cannot always provide that if they want to Survive, bc they also deserve , basic understanding and humanity. you call out abuse all you want, theres a difference between the 'lesser of two evils’ choices, or even the genuinely Bad choices you can Accidentally make when at your wits end (which you should immediately correct anyways), and ever causing intentional physical or mental harm to the child, but the secodn yall start nitpicking or blatantly being ignorant to a struggle just so you get your blame validation in i literally cannot AFFORD to give you the time of day, im busy running on minutes of sleep, so if you think i have enough free time to entertain ur whining that my kids got a messy face and has been on his tablet in a highchair for an hour or w/e, idc, im using that time to shower for the first time in 2 weeks bc nobody else is gonna be there for me to let me do that shit :) so frankly put your money where your mouth is and help struggling parents whenever you can. i cant make shit better out of thin air.

“oh, but i dont have the money to help you.” YOU THINK IM AFFORDING CHILDCARE?? YOU CAN COME OVER AND HELP DIRECTLY WHILE I DO CHORES. “oh, but i dont wanna babysit for my friends, i dont like kids.” OH REALLY?????? OH YOU DONT LIKE KIDS??? BC THEYRE DIFFICULT MAYBE ??? SO MAYBE YOU SHOULDNT JUDGE WHEN ITS HARD THEN????? LIKE YOU RLY THINK JUST ‘LIKING THEM’ SUDDENLY MAKES IT EASY FOR ME?? YOU THINK ME FINDING MY NEPHEW CUTE AND LOVING HIM AND HIS LAUGHTER GIVES ME FUCKING SUPERMAN POWERS TO DEAL WITH THIS???????? “but You chose to have kids” rt in my case i literally didnt and would be homeless if not offering to help care for them but HEY COOL CONCEPT PRO CHOICE KINDA FUCKIN INCLUDES WHEN PEOPLE ‘CHOOSE’ TO HAVE KIDS EVEN WHEN THEY STRUGGLE AFTER, TOO LATE TO FUCKIN COMPLAIN NOW, JUST HELP A BITCH OUT. LIke... bro BRO b R O im losing it stop giving parents the inspiration porn treatment while disrespecting the actual struggles they go thru any time the child actually suffers bc they are unable to shield them from their struggle. can i be real, life literally will not go without struggle. you cannot raise them to have a life better than what the world is, you can do your best but you really cant MAKE it fair. once again this is not a ‘raise the perfect child’ contest you are just . trying to raise them at all. its messy. every single day you will have successes and failures, and you’ll be running on empty, and you’ll be doing that just to make it through to do it again tomorrow, while it slowly (AGONIZINGLY SLOWLY) gets easier each day. im tired of pretending lmao i dont wanna hear you bitches judge parents anymore, i dont wanna hear the stupid ass ‘im allowed to’ shit anymore dude!!!!! for gods sake i can agree with you when some shits just plain wrong but ill never apologize for standing up for myself or other struggling parents even if it makes you uncomfy, i can care about Both the child and the parent at the same time, ig i wont ask you why you seemingly cant. 😶 ESPECIALLY when things like classism and ableism tie in so often with these situations. not to mention racism like im white but hoooo if i hear one more story about a black parents ‘negligence’ in efforts of just trying to help their family, like leaving their kids somewhere during a job interview or w/e, vs the white parents that LET THEIR 10 YR OLDS WANDER AROUND MALLS BY THEMSELVES... im gonna scream. im gonna fuckin scream. its so unfair. fuck off, stop the spiteful ignorance, change this shitty hateful culture.

tldr; you Can care about kids while respecting parents, even when they arent perfect. you can advocate for children while also advocating for parents, and in fact, you should fucking try.

[spentgladiator]

Year in review???

So 2017 was a big year!!! Last year i got my license and this year i got a sweet ride (thank you so much to @the-avenginator for all the help!!!!) that can get me places and places it did get me!!! I moved into a place just me and Mark!! Ugh commitment is weird. This is the first time since HS ive been consistently with someone from the beginning of the year to the end. How bizarre.

A lot of things i had always taken for granted got changed in my life this year, cat moved away and (CAT DO NOT READ) i definitely cried about it a whole bunch secretly because well. Sometimes its ok if people making the right choices for themselves makes others very sad, its very rare that other peoples decisions are meant to make you sad, even if thats a result. Its an unfortunate side effect of difference.

I saw los camp, live in Vancouver when they dropped Sick Scenes and in doing so took my very first real adult vacation, and reconnected with someone i had thought i lost forever. What a sweet and simple treasure, what a dream come true, all of it. Gareth autographed a cd for me and.... spelled my name so phenomenally wrong. Honestly? It fits so much into the god damn narrative thread of my life that i cant even be mad, only damned amused.

Coming off of birth control was very difficult. Being on it did what it always does, and made me really really sick both mentally and physically (think big angry cold sores and chronic yeast infections, something about bc DESTROYS my immune system tho i believe that the mental stress brought on by the imbalanced hormones is what really causes it yknow? Like when youre living every day in what is essentially a perpetual anxiety attack? Not healthy. Not fun. Fuck all that noise.)

My birthday party this year was possibly the best night ive ever had. It was just a few folks at my house, a big roarin fire in the pit and some inebriants. I made alfredo at like 2am and as we were all layin around on my bdrm floor all i could think is "god it feels like it used to" while cradling andrews head and trying not to cry bahaha

I got really close with scoot who turned out to be one of the coolest dudes i ever met. @co0t ily, imy, hope to see you sooooooon!!! Because he also moved away and it also made me very sad :(

I did smth im really proud of this year, i stood up to my boss who was not paying us up to labour code. It was very scary, i am not the kind of person who is very good at standing up to authority but i called her t.f. out in our work facebook group in front of everyone so that she couldnt dismiss my concerns (as she had done to other employees in the past who brought things like this up privately. However unlike the past girls i did my research and had receipts from the labour code ready) that was a day i spent 3hrs on the phone bahahahaha but now we all get paid a lot more than we used to (to the tune of, at minimum for me, $15/wk usually a lot more)

I made countless trips back home to see my mom and went to the other city to see my sibling @carlos-isnt-all-that-perfect and they stayed at my house and we played jackbox and went swimming this summer.

Speaking of this summer? Can you say BEACH DAYS??? OH MY GOD I CANT COUNT HOW MANY DAYS I SPENT AT THE BEACH THIS YEAR. truthfully? @all my beach babes...@lanternkicker and johann i dont have ur tumlr and scoot and @therealstifler all of y'all made my summer worthwhile!!!

Also lilly and i laid to waste every decent yard sale in the tri county area bahahahaha!!! Got some gr8 scores, like a bunch of good board games for like ten dollars!!

Mark and i went to edmonton to see Blind Pilot!!!!!! We were there in the city less than 12hrs, damn being working stiffs!!! It was a great trip but i get very emotional at 4am as andrew and ty would learn like two weeks later LOL!!! Mark and I also went to Callaway park and it was a BLAST!!! His friend is a higher up there and even let us use some line jumper passes on the log ride!!!!! Oh my god he was so scared!!!! Bahahahahahahaha ❤❤❤

I took my shitty little neon to the coast and back. Twice. It was a dreamy drive, all four times. Even the time i was sleeping, it was all perfect and i love the two of you so frikken much ❤❤❤❤❤❤ got thrown in a pool, left my phone at the bar, everything was so amazingly perfect.

When i got back i had a wild night out of the time stream with the softest, sweetest boy and it was an amazing night and he bought me cigarettes and i chain smoked as we wandered around the city at 4am and just talked and i love him i love him i will always always always love him ❤❤

This fall everything went completely off the fkn rails and there was some really terrible shit to trudge through. Work pretty much consumed my soul, i sprained my ankle so bad i had to be home for six days but i made the most of it and took up painting again!!! I did some cool shit im really proud of :) someone i love very much got caught up in some very terrible stuff but it all worked out in the end and everyone was safe, and very very very loved ❤❤❤

"I just love that paul giamatti lookin motherfucker" -me at countless points this year

Finally started hanging out with @mollycolliex again!!! Missed u boo!!! I know things suck, but im glad ur still around!!

Christmas was nice :) this year has been the first year in a while ive worked the same job all the way thru the year and so its nice having a guaranteed income so christmas was much easier than last year. I got super drunk at my work party but managed to not make a huge ass of myself and thats all we can really ask for bahahahahaha

Anyway i love every single person i saw this year and i love every single person reading this!!! Its been weird, but its been fun. Hope to see you all next year!!!!

[sambashua]

8 questions tag~

I was tagged by the lovely lin aka @aceshua ! thank you friend!! your questions were so fun to answer~~

I’m soooo uncreative and suck at questions so I spent the majority of this time trying to come up w those sigh... it’s fine i did my best

I’m going to tag @atshinee (once you’re done w your test tho !) @strawberryboo @yooncheoly @everyonesabiaswrecker @king-hao @s-lay-ing @papadoyoung (idek which tf blog to tag for you) @amessence and @kylamassie1 you guys can do this if you want(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

lin’s questions(✿◠‿◠)

1. If you could have one member’s hairstyle on your own head for a day, who’s would it be and from what era? (this can be svt or not) oh dangg this is a good question ahhhh i’d probably sayyyyy either peach shua (bc ofc) or jeonghan’s pretty u era hair bc i want to try having short hair rlly bad ? but also i’m worried it would look trash soooo (o i just realized this could be any group ah i wanna try sinb’s fingertip hair it was so cute ahhhh also every single one of joy’s hairstyles has been the best thing since sliced bread so yeah~ shoot also rosé’s hair... i just want to try it all man)

2. What’s your go-to snack food? i really like nuts or dried mango or banana chips!! but i mean i’ll eat any snack food tbh i’m a snack ho (why am i like this)

3. If you can only have one piece of Bongbong merch– out of all of the boy’s bongbong drawings, fan made pillows/hats/plushies of various bongbongs, OG gyu bongbongies– what Piece of Bongbong would you want in your room forever and why? uMMMM i’m such a basic ho but probably og bongbongie just bc when i first saw him i was so touched bc gyu is just so soft:(((( ilh nd i wanna put bongbongie in my living room~~

4. You dress up as a piece of food for halloween. What article of food are you? THIS IS SO GOOD i’d probably be cheese bc i love cheese or a strawberry!! or a yellow fruit bc i’m blonde... i’m giving so many options for all these questions i jUST HAVE A LOT TO SAY I’M SORRY

5. You get to give your bias a present but it has to be hand made by You. What do you give them? AW THIS IS SO CUTE BYE (i’m just gonna assume we’re dating bc duh we already are but yes to clarify) i would probably make a scrapbook w little pictures and leave little notes of why i love him and maybe even little poems or smth even softer~ aND I’D INCLUDE PICS OF HIS FAVORITE PLACES AND IT COULD BE LIKE OUR HOUSE OR A PARK WE ALWAYS GO TO TO READ AND I WOULD HAVE JUST PICTURES I’VE TAKEN RANDOMLY OF HIM WHEN I JUST FEEL LIKE IT AND AT THAT POINT HE WOULD BE SO USED TO ME TAKING PICS OF HIM BC HE KNOWS I’M A PHOTOGRAPHY HO SO THEY’D ALL BE CANDID AND HE WOULD BE SO SOFT AND NOW I’M CRYING WHAT WAS I TALKING ABT IDK I LOVE JEON WONWOO

6. Favorite non-MV video of svt? ohhohooho this is so dang difficult... but i thinkkkk their vlive where they were celebrating the end of VERY NICE promotions and they had the barbecue for so so so many reasons man

7. Do you have the names of your future pets planned out? If so, what are they? hMMMM i rlly want to have pets w like... names of household items or foods... like smth dumb like ottoman or pancakes... wtf am i talking abt anymore afhkjad

8. What’s the stupidest thing you did/that’s happened to you this week? (I’ll start- the other day i woke up and my laptop was in my fridge…I don’t remember doing this. why) um literally a couple hours ago sister and i went through the cain’s drivethru and the man on the speaker said “cluck cluck chicken chicken which combo are you pickin’? welcome to cain’s i’m ____” and i literally died EVEN THO THEY SAY SMTH LIKE THAT EVERY TIME I ALWAYS LAUGH FOR A GOOD MINUTE BEFORE I CAN ORDER but my sister was driving and she only recently got her license so she was pulling up to the window and kept inching forward rlly jerkily and i was dying laughing and the window boy was like “are you guys alright haha” and i was like kill me then i triED TO HAND SISTER MY CREDIT CARD AND WE DROPPED IT AND STARTED LAUGHING AGAIN AND HE WAS LIKE “ARE YOU GUYS STRUGGLING” AND I WAS DEDDDD but we gave him a good laugh so hopefully it made his night a bit more entertaining we’re always so dumb omg

mir’s questions(✿◠‿◠)

1. what’s your favorite bridge in a song? (i know this is so difficult but i thought narrowing it to the bridge might help?? but back 2 u’s is honestly so good)

2. how many spoons can you balance on your face? (photo evidence is optional)

3. the ingredients you would put in your ideal smoothie are....

4. what was the defining moment that made your ult bias your bias?

5. would you change your eye color if you could? if so what color? (it can be natural or not have fun w it lol)

6. what are your favorite physical and personality traits of your top bias(es)? (alternatively just your fave picture of our bias if you can’t pick actually just include your fave picture bc why not)

7. do you have a go-to video to make you laugh/cheer you up?

8. end w your favorite quote/emoji/emoticon(ﾉ´ヮ`)ﾉ*: ･ﾟ

[lovethediseasedkillerpuppy]

Dean’s 2 talks with Mary:

Lemme freak out over this scene before I dissect it line by line. I replayed this stuff a good 10x bc I was so damn elated that Dean stuck up for himself & Mary sure as hell needed to hear these things. Jensen did a phenomenal job. I loved every second of it.

Mary: Just hear me out, please.

Dean: wow, just wow.

Mary: Dean, what the BMOL are doing, what we're doing, it's a better way. Look, I'm not blind to who they are or what they've done but…

Uh yeah actually ya are blind to what they've done bc you don't know all the people they've killed & ignorance isn't an excuse. You got in bed with these guys, you should have looked into 'em. You don't want to know bc it'll mess with what you want. 

Sam: When? When did you start working with them?

Mary: Before the lake house. It wasn't Wally. They brought me that case.

Try a lot before the lake house. Y'all were pretty damn cozy by then.

Dean: You were running an errand for the brits, you kept it from us. Cas almost died.

Sam: A hunter got killed.

Mary: You think I don't know? I'm the one who burned his body. I'm the one who told his wife. I watch him die every night.

Dean: Good.

Actually Dean, you ALL almost died. That prince of Hell was abt to take you all out bc of your mom's sticky fingers. Cas was just the one who got seriously hurt. What happened to your explaining, Mary? This shit sounds like defensive justifying your actions, making it abt you & trying to garner sympathy. As Dean said, good. Any guilt you're having is well earned.

*scene intermission *

Mary: I'm doing this for you. I'm playing 3 decades of catch up here.

But what does the former have to do with the latter? Again you're straying from this promised “explanation” & trying to manipulate the convo to gain pity for yourself. And I’ll leave Dean to deal w the 2nd part of that bullshit.

Dean: And we're not? How do you think this has been for us? We're your sons. And you've been gone, our whole lives. You've been gone. You said that you needed time. No, you said you need space. So we gave you ur space, but you didn't need just space, no you needed space from us.

DEAN FUCKING WINCHESTER KEEPING IT REAL

Mary: That's not true. Dean I'm trying...

Ok so ur just gonna totally ignore his question, cool. Dean isn’t gonna push the issue it seems but I still wanna know. How do you think it was for them? Have you even thought abt it? Do you give a shit?

Dean: How about for once you just try and be a mom!

And BOOOOOM there it is!!! Your benefit of the doubt adjustment time was waaaay long enough, mother Mary. Abt damn time someone said it. All the bonus points that it was Dean who got to.

Mary: I am your mother but I am not just a mom & you are not a child.

It's interesting to me here how Mary differs from what Dean said. Dean told her to try being “A” mom, implication being act like a mom/do motherly things. But Mary says I am “YOUR” mother, implication that she birthed them. There's a fuck ton world of difference b/t being a mom (as Dean requests) & being a mother (that Mary answers back with) Birthing children makes you what Mary is defending herself to be. Actually being there for them & loving them is what makes you a mom, what Dean is, perfectly reasonably, asking for.

Now onto the 2nd part which is several levels of ridiculous. Who the hell said anything abt her being JUST a mom? Stop putting words into his mouth. And telling him he isn't a child...now THAT sounds very childish. But again, stop putting words in his mouth. Also how fucking dare you, bitch. You have your beloved John's journal & you KNOW Dean didn't even get that chance when he WAS a child.

Dean: I never was.

THERE IT IS. Thatta boy. Call her on her shit. You’re still being too easy on her, but ur a better person than me so...

Dean: So b/t us & them…

Mary: It's not like that...

Dean: Yeah Mary, it is. And you made your choice. So there's the door.

Oh how much I LOVED him calling her Mary. Being called mom shouldn't be smth just expected no matter what. Bitch hasn't earned that. Gah, ik how much it must have hurt him to do but seeing Dean kick her ass out was satisfying as fuck.

Onto talk 2...

Dean: It's not your job to make my lunch...kiss me at night. We're adults. You're gonna make your own choices even if I don't like 'em. Even if I really really don't like 'em. So that's just smth I'm gonna have to get used to.

Alright, there's a lot to be said abt this. I've seen a lot of anger over “Dean apologizing again” I understand why it's being looked at that way. Don't get me wrong, I'm pissed off abt this dialogue too but I'll get to that. To me, this wasn't an apology in the strict sense of the word. It wasn't him saying he was sorry, it was him laying things out there, making it completely clear what he meant before abt the mom thing. (since apparently she is that dense so he needs to spell it out for her) 

Now the reason it infuriates me & why imo it's being dubbed an apology is this; as per fucking every single time it is DEAN who has to be the bigger person. As always it's DEAN who is having to smooth things over. As always it's DEAN putting it out there that he's willing to accept & love someone unconditionally. Don't get me wrong, these are things that make up the big beautiful heart this boy has & I never want him to lose that, but as someone who loves him it PISSES ME OFF. Dean won't be petty so allow me. Why does it always have to be Dean? Why does he always have to swallow the shit? Why does he never get to just freely express his thoughts & feelings w/o needing to back track/suck it up later? Why is it always Dean who has to see & understand everyone else's point of view but nobody bothers to do the same for him? Can't we have that for Dean even ONCE? Of all the times this shit has happened you would think the ONE damn time it could've happened would be from his mother, but no, he can't even have that. So while I don't see it as an 'apology' I'm still just as damn enraged over him even having to give this little speech at all. MARY was in the wrong. MARY should have been the one to patch things up...and not to mention bc who expected Dean to get an I’m sorry but Ima do it anyway; WHERE IS MARY’S I’M SORRY??? HUH? And we’ve had enough damn examples of Dean ‘I will love everyone unconditionally’ Winchester. It’s beyond over damn due that we get some examples of him getting unconditional love back ffs. On the plus side at least Dean still stood his ground that he didn’t like her choice. He won’t do it, but we can give a huge I TOLD YOU SO later when this goes to shit.

Onto a different side of this rant. The fact that what Dean said is just utter nonsense. WHERE did this shit even start? Sam has said similar. I've seen some fandom say similar. The show is obviously trying to push it but WHY. It isn't black & white, all or nothing like the writers are trying to portray it. Oh either Mary is cold, distant, abandons them or she stays home, bakes them cookies & wipes their snot. Where the hell does that reasoning come from? Who even thinks it's reasonable to think that's what Dean would want? It's one of the more asinine things these writers have done & that's on a list of a LOT of competition. They're ridiculous. They're going so far 'this' way to try to show how oh so not sexist they are by having this bad ass career woman, kids be damned, & we are inclusive of the ladies but all it's doing in reality is making Mary look like a cold hearted selfish bitch. Of course she isn't just a mom. Nobody's expecting that. But she isn't even being a mom AT ALL. She's awful & the fact that the show is trying to have the narrative be in HER favor & making her sons just deal w it & see it her way & making THEM seem like the unreasonable ones (mostly Dean) is srsly sending a terrible message to the younger viewers.

Children plz, listen up, you do NOT have to love & accept your parents just bc they're your parents. If they hurt you you have every right to express that & call them out on it. If they disregard your feelings & continue to hurt you, you have every right to show them the door. Parents do NOT have the right to treat you like shit with the justification “I'm your mom/dad so I can treat you however I want & ur supposed to allow it” Blood does NOT make you family. That's complete truth. You DO need to earn that by being there for & loving someone. “They're family, they're supposed to make you miserable” IS WRONG. If 'family' truly makes you miserable it's called a toxic relationship & you need to srsly think abt whether it's worth it to keep the r/s going. If you hope it's salvageable & want to change it then go for it & try but if not then there is nothing wrong with cutting ties with blood family members. As heart breaking as it is, the truth is some of us are born to parents that are lives are better WITHOUT. Allowing them to continue to abuse you, be it mentally or physically, by brushing it off with “they're my mom/dad” can & will cause lasting damage./psych rant.

[seargantblue]

hey i just stumbled across ur blog its cute! i got no life so i just kept scrolling and scrolling and got interested in ur life a lil :) u still seeing that guy u were so crazy about? and whats he like? if so what has being with him done to all ur confusion abt gender/sexuality? what do u like abt him? im sorry if im being annoying im just so bored u dont have to answer

omg this message is so cute thx 4 being interested in my life!! its not annoying at all + i decide to put that information abt me online so its rly ok! my answer got really long and im a lil tired (and not good with english grammar) so sorry 4 any mistakes lel

im actually in a relationship with the guy rn and i swear its one of the few good things that happened to me in 2016 !! i mean it took some time for us to actually get together bc at first he didnt want to ‘put a label on it’ but apparently im an “all or nothing” kind of person and thank god he realized it!! its still kinda weird and very very new for me to be in an actual relationship and i sometimes forget that he is my boyfriend so ??? but im very excited and very very happy and even the smallest things he does still make my heart go !!!!! the gender issue I once had doesnt really exist anymore, I feel more comfortable in my body than ever and enjoy being ‘girly’. Im wearing dresses and skirts quite often now and started to wear the thight fitting tshirts again, instead of only the really loose ones (: the sex thing is still a lil bit tricky: he doesnt really care abt sex which is fucking fantastic, bc I used to think that maybe Im gonna end alone bc Im ace (btw I dont really consider myself ace anymore bc y should I label myself ?? Im okay with telling ppl I dont like sex, but maybe I will one day so idc abt what label to give my sexuality and honestly : its none of other ppls business who I fuck ((or not)) ). I did find out that I can get sexually aroused if I really like the person im with but Im still not sure if I really want to have sex and/or if I would enjoy it. maybe we gonna fuck one day, or maybe not but idc bc its not that important to both of us (i hope). I dont really wanna be too personal or nsfw here but lets just say that my body does react stronger to him touching/kissing me than I thought so yeah thats thatumm what to say about him… hes kinda the stoic person and thinks that everything has to be rational and objective which I think is very stupid bc Im a really subjective person who prefers to just do things instead of planning ahead. also he is very smart (but likes to think he’s smarter than everybody which sucks tbh) and he explains a lot of things to me which is nice bc im a sucker for people explaining the world and stuff to me. i feel very comfortable and safe around him and I think that I make him feel safe too. he questions everything and wants to be 100% sure he makes the ‘right’ decision before doing it, so i actually feel kinda special that he likes me. He also has this thing with wanting to bring out the best in people (according to his vision of ‘good’ and ‘best people’) and that does get kinda annoying bc I dont like the idea of him just wanting to change me ??? But apparently he sees way more potential in me than I do and thats a nice feeling tbh. aaah what I like about him is actually a lot, he is absurd handsome and can literally wear anything he wants ???? sometimes I get self conscious abt how good he looks and that Im not in his league or smth like that although I know how stupid that sounds.. anyway, hes kinda made of edges and has this thin, sharp smile with pointy teeth and hes very tall and fit and I like to call him weasel bc when he proofes me wrong he smirkes all mischievous and sometimes he gets giddy and hyper so it rly fits lol. I like how his voice gets all soft and warm when Im sad or something happened and he tries to cheer me up and I like how fucking much he cares abt other ppl - so much it must hurt himself bc he puts other ppls feelings over his and just cares too much. he is actually a very soft person but probably doesnt want everybody to see it bc he is a man™  I also love how good he is at reading ppl (especially me) bc im terrible at doing the whole feeling thing and voicing what I want so that helps a lot bc often I dont even have to say anything he just knows its spoopy. + im kinda obsessed with biting/biting people, not even in a sexual way just in a ‘i wanna bite u (bc im drunk)’ way and he does that too so thats !!! very good thank you universe for doing all this sorcery I still dont understand how this all worked out but im very happy and i appreciate every single thing in my life that led to today. its all magic but we somehow fit together quite well and I love him so please 2017 me dont fuck that up