#every time i hear this song my mind goes LAURIE

[hellraiseher]

Hello Imogen! I hope you're doing great!

So I reread your Halloween book for probably about four times. The amount of details and love you put into it is fascinating. Truly remarkable. If that's your first time writing something so lengthy I'm truly impressed! It would have been interesting to hear about your influences and inspirations!

The character of Laurie is very complex and exquisite. She is rigid, stubborn, sometimes sassy, yet delicate and vulnerable.

I just love how carefully you designed her femininity. How you didn't shy away from it, but embrace it. The small things in her room displaying her girlhood, her relationship with her sexuality, her friendship with Annie and Lynda, how she perceive her beauty and just how she wanted to know if Michael finds her beautiful or not!

And that scene when she killed him... lives in my mind rent free to this day. Obsessed just how you merge and conjoin violence and sex and love. How the things that are so obscene and debaucherous can truly show their devotion to each other. So animalistic and carnal and sensual an-

The way you portray erotica and their intimacy are incredible. It filled with so much of that youthful curiosity and shyness, yet so sensual and sexy. Love Laurie's exploration of Michael's body, the contrast between his emotionless persona and very much real man's body is striking. How she herself having that realization during her close proximity to him. How she explores his humanity and pushes it even further and further, until she gets every piece of him. Laurie is a greedy girl.

And I want to emphasize just how I appreciate the fetishism in your work. Specifically the mask fetishism. I know it's bad manners to compare, but so far, your depiction of it has been the most validating and visible to me. Not only in Halloween fandom. The way you let Laurie acknowledge his plastic features, their unique shapes, how they changed after her passionate touches. How she sees and understands his every emotion, every mannerism. Searching for hints of the glimmering eye in those black pits of his. Hungry to take every clue that his mask will allow.

The scene when she cuts the hole where his mouth is. So perverted and so dear to my heart. Wanting his tongue and mouth, yet not wanting to part with his real face. The vision of a man desperately shoving his tongue, through plastic imitation of a mouth, to taste her, is very erotic.

Most of the times when I read stories with mask kink, it just, like, never or rarely mentioned, or the focus goes to what underneath the mask, which is quite disappointing... So I definitely want to compliment you on that!

The man that unleashed upon her such trauma and horror is the one that, in a way, freed her. He will always embrace and welcome her ugliness and rage. Because it mirrors his own.

His overall insanity over her, the surrender to her feminine force. She is his goddess of love and passion. She tempers his masculine and bestow the power of immortality and killing victories. He begs to serve and wants to love her to death.

Speaking of song references, I adore your Playlist for s1 of The Devil You Know ( haven't thoughtfully listened to the second one yet! Not in the right mood, my apologies!). The song choices and their lyrics definitely reflect the depth of your work. The collection of songs are very unique and some of them are definitely now in my listening drafts. Nora Guthrie, Dusty Springfield, Joyce Heath, The Shangri-Las, Jessie Ware to name a few. Filled with that girlish and feminine perspective, the lyrics and delivery are so touching. It's so refreshing to hear that type of style.

(Love how Laurie calls him tiger. Could be wrong, but something tells me it's Lana's influence...)

Also your blog is very thought-provoking and aesthetically pleasing to me! You're very intriguing and interesting young lady!

hello tsotsou!!! thank you so much for this gift of an ask, everything you've said will feed me well into 2024 🤍

i have tried to properly structure a response to all the aspects you've touched on, i'm prone to tangential infodumping when given enough incentive and if the platform allows. even trying to condense in my notes app was a challenge... but since most chapters clock out at around 17k-20k words, i don't think a modest 2k essay will overstay its welcome 🤭

my major inspiration/influences feature:

angela carter (namely the bloody chamber)

david lynch (namely twin peaks)

obvious but clive barker (also obvious namely: the hellbound heart/hellraiser. extending from this, i would say candyman but mainly the bernard rose adaptation)

emily bronte's wuthering heights, alongside charlotte bronte's jane eyre. while i think their works are ubiquitous and unspoken/spoken touchstones within a LOT of gothic romance/female-led horror fiction, i feel the formative influence their novels had on me is so potent that they can't go unmentioned.

helene cixous' essay the love of the wolf.

park chan-wook (namely thirst and stoker)

margaret atwood's power politics and the robber bridegroom

eiichi yamamoto's belladonna of sadness (our third eyes are looking directly at each other)

music!! which will undoubtedly be referenced now and then throughout subsequent paragraphs... i don't think there is a single instance where i can't link a certain scene i've written back to some kind of song or soundtrack!

anything that visually, thematically, conceptually or even emotionally to me if i decide, channels the death and the maiden trope.

originally i was going to detail why each feature had such an impact... but then this answer would be equally, if not just as long, as my chapters... and this reply is already a whole dissertation. if you (or anyone reading this) wants to know any specifics though i am more than happy to answer!

moving on!! to the most important topic: laurie laurie laurie!!

with her i feel like i was able to take advantage of what was already provided in the source material. teenage girls' bedrooms in contemporary horror are especially evocative of a decade and genre-specific youth, revealing so much about their interior lives in set-design that script may not allow ... (whoever pinned up that james ensor poster, thank you for my life etc.) but i think what i found the most endearing about her was how she's capable of being incredibly confident (babysitting tommy, answering a philosophical literary analysis question in class even after being distracted, girlchat with annie and lynda) but also painfully shy whenever BOYS are brought up - to such a degree that she relies on annie to call out michael stalking her.

however, as hesitant and dismissive as she is with annie's teasing about pursuing her crush on ben tramer, she is clearly a romantic - what with the lyrics of the song she sings. people use this as s diagnostic reason for michael stalking her, but it also reveals so much about her!! when she thinks she's alone, when she's just walking to school in the town she knows so well, she is fantasizing about Not Being Alone but Alone with Someone Else.

relevant digression but there is an interview with howard ashman, who wrote the songs for disney's the little mermaid and beauty and the beast, in which he pinpoints how the introductory songs that these heroines in musicals sing describe an ideal life. and i always interpreted laurie's introduction aligning with this paradigm. except while the likes of ariel and belle describe the desire to transcend their current provincial or inhibiting circumstances, wishing for a freedom they can only dream of comprehending, laurie sings of a lover she can only dream of comprehending, a companion who is peerless in mutual devotion - 'i wish i had you all alone, just the two of us' (although the attraction to rejection of societal expectation and norms is tied up in this, too). her fate also exists within the same constellation as the older, more brutal iterations of those fairy tales (hence angela carter influence). it's why chapter 6 of tdyk directly acknowledges snow white, sleeping beauty and references cinderella. the fairy tale heroine being the grandmother of the final girl.

she longs for fairy tale romance !! yet as soon as she's presented with the opportunity to pursue anything romantic - annie threatening to ring ben - laurie immediately shoots annie down. i don't think this is just her voiced insecurity from the lack of male attention she receives but that she also has more traditional and exacting standards of wanting to be courted.. but she would never say this because she is a Liberated Woman like her friends who is supremely self-sufficient and mature in all other aspects of her life!!

as much as she may consciously enforce this commonality with her friends, maybe she has less in common with them than she thinks. her distinction from them is obvious in her wardrobe design. her femininity is noticeable compared to annie and lynda's, her floral skirt and tights contrasting with their bell bottoms. she is comfortable in this femininity. her gait and mannerisms while she's walking to and from school have this graceful stride, almost floating... which makes her outfit change to a more masculine michael-coded blue palette so inchresting. when she changes after repeatedly seeing michael throughout the day, especially after seeing him watching her through the more invasive framing of her bedroom window, there's this awkwardness to her: when she hurries to annie's car struggling to carry the ridiculously large pumpkin, when she tries to smoke weed and just coughs and chokes, her fidgeting and twirling her hair. of course, this is understandably the anxious aftermath from being stalked but i do think there's a general discomfort displayed in this 'new skin' she's trying to assume.

it's why i wrote her as being envious of michael's masculinity - chapter 6, again - which he embodies to a patriarchal degree without any effort at all. in the next chapter there's more overt insight into this but on a more attraction-level-basis; an attraction to masculinity that laurie is able to consciously register and accept. now, she is much less concerned with being inaccessible to him by trying to adopt his infallibilty because he has increasingly made himself accessible to her... which brings us to...

THE KILL !!! i knew from the first chapter that Something Like That would go down, and it wouldn't be difficult considering DBD's Whole Deal to configure a plausible cresting point. that, and i wanted it to clearly be laurie's choice (deranged, albeit). and i wanted her agency to be integral. there is clearly a difference between attacking out of self-defense and attacking as a form of outlet. just as there's a difference between being groped and making sure michael is doing the groping right. from michael's perspective, much like how he doesn't just want to watch her but be watched by her, he doesn't just want the infatuation reciprocated but ALSO for her to reach the realisation the two of them are not so different after all. this reciprocation of attention and ego is so very key to me. if each boundary between them is a wall then michael isn't so much as demolishing through them kool-aid man style (anymore) but is the sledgehammer laurie is using... and this inevitably involves a convergence of languages they are each fluent in !! laurie in romance and michael in violence... except laurie is learning his very effectively!! vice versa! vice, indeed..

and on that note, greedy laurie, indeed!! not just biting but devouring the hand that feeds (literally in next chapter. somewhat. 🤐) did laurie effectively exercise girlpower by taking advantage of michael's sexual ignorance, essentially granting him with a sexuality?? probably not !! but where michael has (previously) been sexually ignorant, laurie has (previously) been sexually ignored. their navigation of this new mysterious world (and each other) has to consider this lack of experiental knowledge, resulting in this youthful curiosity as you phrased it (💓) but also that visceral physical communion and emotional/spiritual completion that comes with Two Becoming One... it is not enough to self-recognise through the other but to demolish the self and become the other!!

in terms of their sexual intimacy, from a writing perspective i trace a lot influence back to depeche mode's discography, especially their track in your room. a lot of their songs have an not-so-implicit eroticism in which the narrator (engendered as masculine with dave gahan's baritone vocals) embraces the subjugation in devotion, unashamedly worshipping his partner. this also relates to your point on michael easily and essentially deifying laurie. in your room is the pinnacle sex song (to me), just soooooooooooo heady and theatrical. the lumbering rhythm of the bass, the ghostly backing vocals, those synths that just build and build! and the lyrics !! how the narrator only finds true liberation in this clasutrophobic physicality - through this communion and only by completely possessing his partner, the lines 'i'm hanging on your words / living on your breath / feeling with your skin' parasitically merging subject and object, can his and her obsession be reconciled with.

i'm surprised michael's mask isn't fetishized more! but it just makes common sense to me that laurie's attraction to him would include the mask and this involves her gazing and touching and sometimes changing it... in chapter 4 i compare him to a hellenistic sculpture because it was a period of sculpture that valued expression. however, it's also paradoxical in the material being so rigid - the face is immobile but the action is hyperbolic. this comparison immediately mythologizes him but laurie has indellibly left her mark with his neck scar, thus creating a keyhole she can peer through when she wants to glimpse any of his humanity-inhumanity. and then of course the mouth she carves for him turns the keyhole into a door (into another door into another door)... and much more !!!!!!

if we are going to get even more Laurie Freak Strode... when considering michael doesn't have any eyes for show, the mask gives the sense that he can gaze at her without needing to blink - his voyuerism is eternal and omnipresent. there can be a 'guardian angel (demon)' value in this, and when laurie knows that the only person he wants to look at - and the only person he cares to acknowledge as a woman with thoughts and feelings - is her... while that should be horrifying, she eventually can't deny the pride that instills. because of this, instead of the fear that the mask would ordinarily evoke in others, there's an emotional inversion that laurie would experience as attraction and arousal. it turns out that laurie likes being watched equally as much as michael likes to watch.. everybody wins! (apart from anyone else who impedes on michael's view of her)

michael 'freeing' her, despite all previous crimes and abuses, is definitely apt!! it's safe to say that, at this point, any animosity or abuse laurie encounters (and has to tolerate) is in trials from other killers. if there are any destructive or abusive interactions with michael, she is often the instigator... which michael doesn't mind at all. he is more than happy to witness and enable any extremity of her emotional state!! if laurie is charging into the Coping Mechanism Store and picking the worst ones that are kept behind the adults only curtain, then he is carrying her shopping for her...

on a more sincere note, i've always kept the challenge of laurie trying to maintain her agency at the forefront of tdyk. she has very little within the confining context of the fog but then, by stark and overwhelming contrast, she can do whatever the hell she wants to (and with) michael. this strengthens her dependency on him and, in turn, makes the tenuous relationship she has with her team more frail. this major conflict is obviously apparent throughout tdyk but is especially so in the next chapter, laurie balancing her infatuation with him - the addictive affirmation of Being Seen and Being Known and Being Loved (to devastating degrees and effects) vs The Team conforming to a desensitisation and resignation to each other's routine deaths which is necessary for their survival. she is trying to balance on a thread-bare tightrope and it's only a matter of time and missteps until it snaps.....

i am glad you liked act one's playlist!! and of course no pressure to listen/like act two's! finding the right song with the right lyrics and atmosphere can really make a scene / chapter for me, and it's an ideal way to visualise how a certain scene will play out.

her nickname of 'tiger' mainly stemmed from the playful aspect of acknowledging and declawing his predatory status while he is pawing all over her.. but miss lana's influence can never be overstated !!!!!! NFR is a frequent album i put on while writing, how can it not be with those opening lyrics ....

and i'm glad you enjoy my little blog!! 💗i love the curation of yours, too, and adore your art of course!!!! (another inspiration). how you capture their likeness is so masterful and the depravity in their intimacy makes me lose my mind!! the size difference in their proportions 🥰 if it were safe to do so i would print out your galleria and liquefy it to directly inject into my veins ..

[dylanlila]

closure is a laurie laurence song.

[johnkrrasinski]

dwindling, mercurial high

full masterlist

Pairings: Andy Barber x female!reader 

Word count: 2,733

Warning: SMUT!!! infidelity/cheating, age gap, unprotected sex, dirty talk, angst, lots of angst. (MUST BE 18+) 

Summary: based on the song ‘illicit affairs’ by taylor swift. things changed between you and andy, the man you’d been crushing on for the longest time, after you returned home from college. what was born from a single glance & stolen stares turned into a secret addiction, something neither of you could get sober from. 

a/n: the idea piqued my imagination after watching taylor’s folklore long pond studio session and i wondered what it’d be like to be the third person instead of the cheated one, thus this angsty fic was born. reblog & feedback are always appreciated. 

⭒☆━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━☆⭒

You closed your eyes as your back hit the wall repeatedly, you held onto him as tight as possible as you moaned in his ear. The bristle of his beard tickled your neck as he nipped your sensitive spot, causing your head to spin. The coil in your abdomen tightened, so did your legs around his waist, and you clenched around him, pushing him to thrust harder into you, chasing your orgasms. Your wailings grew louder and you cried out his name like prayer as his pace become sloppier.

Time became hazy as you plummeted into bliss while he continued to impale you, prolonging your release as well. You wanted the moment to last as long as possible as you presented your body as a vessel for him to obtain pleasure, the kind that he couldn’t get at home from his lovely wife. You didn’t mind that it took him longer to reach his peak, the comforting feeling of him being inside you was like cozying up to your favourite knit sweater and a cup of hot chocolate whilst it was raining outside.

But rains don’t last forever, and the sun was always around the corner, lurking to appear and scorch the planet once more, waking everyone up out of their comfortable place. And that’s what it was like being with Andy.

He groaned as he released deep inside you, resting his face on your shoulder while trying to catch his breath. He kissed you on the lips, claiming your mouth as you ran your fingers through his hair until he needed air. But you didn’t, because he was the air that you needed. Then he set you on your feet gently and he began putting on his clothes. “It’s stopped coming down, I should head back now, Laurie’s going to come home soon and I told her that I’d be working from home today. It’d be suspicious if I left the house without telling her.”

You nodded, “…okay.” But it wasn’t okay, how much longer were you going to have these clandestine meetings? How could you tell him that you wanted him to stay and hold you close just for once?

He slipped his feet into his shoes and untied the lace. You leaned on your hands against your study desk and watched his flushed state longingly as if you were trying to speak with your gaze and you wanted him to get the message because words would hurt both of you. He put on his coat and swung the hood over his head then stood before you, “are you okay, kid?”

No, how could you even ask me that? “Yeah.” He always asked the same question after every time you both made love but never once did you tell him the truth and he believed you. He kissed you on the forehead and there he goes, leaving you with your tears and fury once more without a single weight in his heart.

How did you end up here? It began last summer after you came back home from college. You were going to work in your father’s law firm once you finished law school and obtained your degree. Your father was a lawyer and had a good friendship with the Barbers since you were little. You even watched Jacob being born when Laurie went into labour. Besides living across from each other and worked in the same field, you were like a big sister to Jacob too. He was always a shy, introverted kid who didn’t make friends easily so Andy truly cherished your companion for his son.

You were always happy being a big sister figure to Jacob, you were both the only children so it was easy to bond over that. But what you’d never admit out loud, was also the fact that yous secretly had a crush on Jacob’s dad. What’s not to swoon over? Andy was extremely good looking, a good father and a loving husband. He was a top lawyer, courteous, soft-spoken and always treated you kindly whenever you came over.

It affected your dating life in high school because, despite all the boys asking you out, you never said yes to them. Because there was only one man that you wanted and you couldn’t have him. Even in college, you tried to forget him and seek for someone else, but even college boys couldn’t live up to Andy.

Three years went by and you finally returned home and were ready to start your career as a lawyer. Law and crimes always fascinated you because you believed that justice wasn’t as simple as black or white, or the good guy versus the bad guy so it came naturally for you to follow your father’s footsteps.

Your father invited the Barbers over for dinner to celebrate your homecoming. Laurie asked you about the college life and teased if you might’ve had dated a few boys and you nervously refuted the question by telling her that you were too busy with studying. Andy sat across you and you tried so hard not to make eye contact with him but you couldn’t fight the urge and you swore you saw him glance at you once or twice and he’d quickly look away once you caught him.

One afternoon, a couple of days after the dinner, when your father was at the court, and your mother was at her boutique, you decided to come over to the Barbers’ house. Jacob texted you earlier about his Physics homework and asked for your help on doing it. You were going to start working at the firm on Monday so you had plenty of spare time at home, doing whatever you wished for. You were bored, you had been reading books and watching Netflix all day so you decided to spend time helping Jacob with his homework.

You knocked on the door and texted him, “I’m outside.” You were a little early than the agreed time so Andy opened the door instead of the person you expected.

“Mr. Barber, hi! Is Jacob home yet?” You tried your best to keep your composure.

“No, he said he was staying for Math. He didn’t tell you?”

“Uh, he must’ve forgotten. He asked me earlier to help him with his homework and I thought I could come by early to hang out, but it’s fine, I’ll just come back later. Thanks, Mr. Barber.”

“You could come inside and wait for Jacob here if you want?” He offered.

“Um, are you sure, Mr. Barber? I don’t wanna be a bother.”

“No, please, Laurie hasn’t come home yet, and I’d appreciate the company. And just call me Andy.”

“Okay, yeah, sure. I’ve got no one to talk to at home yet, anyway. Except for my cat who only comes to me when she’s hungry.”

He chuckled at the joke as he closed the door behind you. “You want anything to drink?”

“Coffee would be nice, thank you Mr. Barber.”

He gave you a look at the nickname. “Sorry, I meant, Andy.”

“You’ve really grown since the last time I saw you, ____. You’ve even gotten good-looking.” He nonchalantly said whilst he was making your coffee. “Milk?”

“Huh?” your heart was beating fast at his flattering words. “Do you want some milk in your coffee?”

“Yes, please.” You gulped, mentally screaming at yourself to keep it together. “Are you saying that I was an ugly duckling, Andy?”

He chuckled, “no, what I meant was, your appearance definitely changed and I like it.” He served the coffee on the dining table where he laid a bunch of papers and a laptop and you tried to maintain your distance despite every cell in your body was begging for you to sit closer to him.

You hoped he couldn’t hear the way your breath hitched so you drank your coffee with shaky hands. He asked you about college or shared some advice in becoming a young lawyer. He also caught you up with stories that you missed while you were away. How he found out Jacob was bullied by this kid in his school and how he and Laurie had been arguing a lot lately.

“I’m sorry about that, Andy. But you two will work it out, what marriage doesn’t have its disputes, right? If you both had made it this far, I’m sure you can make it for many more years.”

“Thanks, ____. Be sure to keep that in mind if a guy starts a quarrel with you, okay?” He sipped his own coffee.

“I’ll have to find a guy first, I guess.”

“Are you not seeing anyone?” He gave you a quizzical look.

“No, just haven’t found the time, I guess.”

“Oh, c’mon. You’re an intelligent and attractive young woman. You should go out and explore.”

“And what if I couldn’t find one that I want, Andy?” You stirred your coffee, unable to look him in the eye.

“What do you want, ____?” He inched his face closer to you, making it hard to breathe. His ocean blue eyes bored into yours, with the kind of look that you never saw before. In this proximity, you could see how his pupils had dilated, filling the rim with darkness lust. And you didn’t question his intentions or what he was thinking but at that moment, you had never wanted him more. And you needed him. You needed him to grant your heart’s greatest desire. Him.

“You,” you voice was barely a whisper. “I want… You.”

“Say it, say it louder.”

“I want you, Andy. I’ve wanted you forever.”

Then as if the time had frozen, he slammed his lips onto yours, nearly causing your chair to fall back if only he didn’t catch you. Andy grabbed your face and kissed you with a burning passion. You shut your eyes, reeling from the swirling emotions in your stomach. It wasn’t butterflies but the whole damn zoo. Andy licked your bottom lip and you parted your mouth for him, allowing his tongue to enter and tangle itself with yours.

You whimpered and you felt Andy smirked at the way your body reacted to him. Andy then stood up and lifted you onto the table, and he slightly pulled your hair back, exposing your neck to him. He began trailing kisses there and his right hand roamed around your body until it reached the hem of your off-the-shoulder top and it travelled to your breast and he toyed with it, pinching the nipple and fondle with the globe.

“Andy…” taking your whimpers as a green light, he moved his hand down to the zipper of your jeans, fumbled with the buttons and he pulled them down just enough for his hand to caress your womanhood. Blood rushed to your cheeks when he felt your arousal. He shoved the G-string aside, allowing his fingers to stroke you.

“If I knew how much you wanted me, I would’ve made a move sooner, baby.”

The coalescence of his voice, his plump lips and his hands touching you all over nearly made you forgot where you were until the act was interrupted by Jacob’s voice from the door, “Dad, I’m home!” Andy quickly stopped his assault on you and let you go. You stood on shaky legs as you tried to smooth over your rumpled top and zip up your jeans.

Luckily, when Jacob found you both in the kitchen, he didn’t suspect anything and you followed him to his room, walking away from Andy as if nothing even happened. And that was the beginning of your doomed affair.

His infidelity carried on for months and none of you had found the strength to break it off. You knew it was wrong in so many ways. You always considered The Barbers as your second family despite your latent feelings for Andy. You’d be letting down so many people if they found out about this affair. Each time you both ran off to find escapism in a secluded place, you were consumed by guilt. Every time you told yourself that you can always stop, that he can always stop, you were choked with words. The desire has rooted itself way too deep and none of you could go back now.

It started in your room and once he’d grown weary of the atmosphere, he’d take you to a motel a little outside of town where nobody really knew who you were and it has now taken you to an empty parking lot. Andy laid on the reclined shotgun seat with his clothes off and his pants around his ankles. You leaned your hand on the window as his cock stretched you open from under.

He loved the way your breasts jiggled with each thrust. You had your shirt lifted just enough to display your breasts for him while your shorts and underwear were thrown off to the backseat. His cock was hitting your G-spot repeatedly, creating tantalizing friction. You writhed above him, screaming his name as loud as you possibly could with your mind disarrayed from his thrusts. He had both of his hands gripping your hips solidly, controlling your move as you rode him.

“After all the time I’ve fucked you, you’re still so tight,” He groaned. He moved one of his hands to breast, pinching the nipple and you mewled from the pleasurable sting. He slid his hand up to your throat, cutting off your airway, suffocating you. Your whimpers your muted but it didn’t stop you from moving up and down on him. His other hand slid under your body, he toyed with your wetness and rubbed your clit, causing you to clench around him. ��You gonna cum all over my fat cock, baby?”

His filthy words never failed to arouse you. If anyone had told fifteen years old you that the man you had such admired and respect, though from afar, had a foul mouth during sex, you would’ve told them to piss off because they had no idea what the hell were they talking about, but now you had an explicit, front-row seat view of it, you couldn’t look at him any other way.

The way his cock rutted into you and the way his digits worked you over and over again, while his massive hand made you struggle for air, sent your body into overdrive and you cried out his name as if it was your salvation. Your brain was clouded with ecstasy as he continued to ram into you, chasing his own release.

You lost the power to straddle him and collapsed on top of him. Andy’s hands travelled back into your hips, locking you in place as you were pliable with your prolonged orgasm. “Fuck, I’m gonna cum too, baby.”

Then Andy emptied his seed into you, filling you up with his load, and he groaned out loud in your ear. You both tried to abate your breathing while he was still sheathed inside you. The closeness felt intimate and comforting and somehow it felt like you were committing treachery. Your limbs were intertwined and you didn’t wanna untangle yourself from him because you knew if you did, he’d drive you home and take the less travelled by road and that would be it.

There was no post-sex cuddling or aftercare. There was no murmuring soft words under a duvet and exchanging tender kisses while basking in the afterglow with him. Because that’s all this was, an illicit affair. All there was after a steamy rendezvous were quick showers to wash off traces of each other as if you didn’t even exist and a spontaneously fabricated tale so the other person wouldn’t know where the other one had truly been.

You wanted to throw things at him and scream, don’t you fucking call me kid or baby, I’m neither of those things. You wanted to hate him for the godforsaken mess he’d turned you into, but you couldn’t. Because he had shown you colours you couldn’t see with anyone else and you couldn’t erase the secret language he taught you from your mind despite the idiotic fool that he made you.

And no matter how many times you witnessed him kissing his wife like a loving spouse would and how long he made you wait for a call, you knew damn well that you’d do it all over again for him in a heartbeat.

[dripkingpetey]

bestfriends forever-b.boeser

oh god here i am once again with a brock fic😐 i’ll be trying to do the requests that i’ve been getting over the weekend but please don’t get mad at me if i don’t end up getting to them. oh also! the flashbacks are in italics just an fyi!

brock boeser x oc!

2436 words

“Come play hockey with me Kyia!” Brock exclaimed at his bestfriend from his bedroom window over to hers, they were next door neighbours, with the windows in their respective bedrooms facing each other.

Kyia still remembers it like yesterday, Brock always asking her to play or hangout with him. Except right now, Kyia was in her car crying, she had just dropped off her bestfriend at the airport and he was heading to Vancouver. Obviously she was happy about Brock going to the NHL with the Vancouver Canucks, she didn’t want to leave him though. Brock and Kyia have been bestfriends even before they were born, with their mothers being bestfriends. They have never had to be separated before, even when Brock went to college for hockey, she ended up getting accepted into the same university. 

It took awhile for Kyia to stop crying but when she did, she started driving home, thinking about all of the memories with Brock even though it was likely that she would see him in a couple of weeks. She started playing her and Brocks playlist, they had started it when Brock got his first iPod after a hockey tournament when they were 9.

“Kyia! Come over I have something to show you.” Brock waved his arms furiously to get Kyia to hurry up. “Okay, okay I’ll be over in a sec.” Kyia giggled at how excited Brock was, slipping on her shoes before making her way over to Brocks house.

“Look it’s got all of these cool songs that we can make playlists with too.” Brock exclaimed enthusiastically as he hooked the iPod up to their family computer, making a playlist title ‘Kyia and Brocks swag times’ which was quickly denied by Kyia and changed to ‘Brock and Ky’s playlist’. “You’re boring you know that right?” Brock mumbled. “Yeah but you couldn’t live without me.” Kyia grinned at Brock as they searched up all of their favourite songs to add. 

Though that playlist has had many different versions for each year, they always put every song into the original playlist, making the total amount of songs over 1000. 

Brock had sent a snap to Kyia almost as soon as she got home, it was almost like he knew. Kyia opened it and it was a photo of Brock smiling with a heart emoji in the text bar. It wasn't unusual for Brock and Kyia to be saying I love you and stuff to each other, they’ve always said it and it would be weird for them to stop. Kyia didn’t want Brock to see that she was crying even though he knew, she responded to him with a text that said. “I miss you so much already, how was the flight?” Knowing that Brock had already taken off and wouldn’t see the text till he landed in Vancouver.

“Did you have a fun day?” Kyia asked over FaceTime to Brock, he was in his hotel room in Vancouver, getting ready for the start of training camp. “Yeah, traveling was exhausting but I got to meet some of the guys on the team today and they’re all really nice.” Brock smiled at you, the same beaming smile that could always cheer you up whenever you felt down. “That’s good.” Kyia said, not knowing if she should really tell Brock how she was feeling. “You should go to bed, it’s getting pretty late in Minnesota.” Brock said while running his fingers through his hair, referring to the 2 hour time difference between Vancouver and Minnesota. “I guess you’re right.” She mumbled, wanting to be with her bestfriend right now. “Ky, I miss you too. We can see each other soon, if I make the roster after training camp. You can fly to Vancouver with my parents for my first game.” Brock tried to make you feel better even though he missed you even more. “I guess, goodnight I love you.” Kyia said even though she didn’t want to end the call which resulted in Brock having to hang up after he said goodnight as well. 

-

It was hard on both Brock and Kyia, not being able to see each other almost everyday. Brock was focused on training for the upcoming season and Kyia had been busy with all of the school work she had, which all resulted in Brock and Kyia barely talking for two weeks, not to mention that the time difference made it even harder.

“I made it! I made the roster!” Brock exclaimed over the phone to Kyia which reminded her of when he made the roster for UND’s hockey team.

Brock rushed right to Kyia’s dorm room, knocking quickly as she got up to answer it and she was met by a big grin on Brocks face which quickly turned into him pulling Kyia into a tight hug. “I made the team.” Brock exclaimed, she was the first person he told after he found out. “You did it!!” Kyia was proud of him, she knew how hard he had been working for a spot there and he did it.

“You did it!” The same words came out of Kyia’s mouth as she teared up in happiness for him. “Holy fuck, you did it Brock.” There was a giant grin on Kyia’s face and she was sure Brock did too. “Yeah, I can’t believe it too.” Brock sighed along with a light chuckle. “Okay I gotta go tell my parents, do you want to FaceTime later?” 

“Wait, I’m the first person you told?” Kyia had expected that Brock would tell his parents first and her after. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I tell my bestfriend first?” Brock smiled even though she couldn’t see. “Awh, I love you, go tell your parents.” Even though Kyia knew it, it was still nice to hear that Brock was her bestfriend. “I love you too, you might want to start booking the plane tickets.” Brock joked but that’s exactly what she did, Kyia rushed to her computer to look at flights after he hung up. 

-

It was all-star break and Brock hadn’t been home in Minnesota for weeks, so he took advantage of that. Despite going back to Minnesota for Christmas, he was already missing it there, especially Kyia. “What are you up to?” Brock asked over FaceTime to her while sitting in his old truck he had in Minnesota. “Not much, just planning to sit around in bed all day.” Kyia mumbled. Brock being all the way in Vancouver was much harder than she thought it was going to be, it sucked to not see him and it was taking a toll on her mental health. “Fuck I gotta go, me and Petey are going out for lunch. Talk to you later?” Brock lied, knowing his plan was all coming together. “You know where I’ll be.” Kyia sighed while taking a sip of water. “Love you, I’ll talk to you later.” They both said at the same time.

Brock almost started giggling because that’s how excited he was to see Kyia. Her parents already knew so hey let him slide into their house, moving quietly before opening Kyia’s door to surprise her. “I’m home!” He exclaimed but quickly furrowed his eyebrows together when he saw Kyia crying, she didn’t even realize Brock was in her room till he started speaking. “Are you okay?” Brock said quietly, hugging Kyia while she was laying on her bed. “No, but I’m better now that you’re here.” She mumbled with a slight smile at Brock, she was crying about him, about how much she missed him and wish he never went to Vancouver. “I missed you.” Kyia laughed while turning around so she could give her bestfriend a proper hug. “I missed you even more Ky.” Brock chuckled as he tucked the loose strands of Kyia’s hair behind her ear. 

Brock would be lying if he said that he didn’t want to kiss Kyia right in that moment, with their faces inches away, looking at Kyia’s beautiful smile, their faces getting closer and closer like two magnets. But he knew he couldn’t do it, he would chicken out.

For the next three days, Kyia seemed like she had been brought back to life. The sad, Brock missing Kyia was gone, it was like Kyia was herself again. 

“She’s so much happier when she’s with you, you know? It’s been tough for her for the past couple of months.” Brocks mom, Laurie said quietly to him as they watch Kyia play with his dogs. Brock didn’t know what to do, all he could do was sigh, sigh and worry about how Kyia was going to be when he goes back to Vancouver and Kyia would be here by herself again. “Brock?” Laurie asked, trying to get his attention off of Kyia. “Yeah mom?” Brock quickly snapped out of it. “You know that she’s in love with you right? And I think you feel the same way.”

“But-” Brock tried to say something but quickly got cut off by his mother. “But we’ve been bestfriends forever.” Laurie mocked Brocks voice as he slumped down into his chair. “I know the two of you have never confessed it, you probably don’t even know that you’re in love with her. But I can see it.” Laurie said as she looked at Brock who was lost in his thoughts, staring at Kyia as he took Lauries words in. “Maybe I am.” He mumbled quietly and Laurie laughed. “I’ll leave it up to you two.” Laurie sighed, getting up and patting Brocks knee as she headed into the kitchen. 

It was the night before Brock had to fly back to Vancouver and Brock and Kyia had to spend every last moment together, before he had to go back for god knows how long. “I’m gonna miss you.” Kyia mumbled and pouted, she was laying on her bed on top of Brocks chest, tracing little circles on his chest with her fingers while he played with her hair. “Me too Ky, me too.” Brock sighed, closing his eyes so he doesn’t start tearing up. 

“What if you went to Vancouver with me?” Brock asked while him and Kyia were both half asleep. “Just for like a week or two.” Brock quickly added, hoping she would say yes.

“I could.” Kyia mumbled, looking up at Brock who was smiling at her. “All of my classes are online this semester anyways.” Kyia said as she watched Brocks face light up even more. “This is gonna be so fun.” Brock chuckled and kissed the top of her head.

It was a couple of days after Kyia and Brock got to Vancouver, Brock tried to show her around to get Kyia used to the surroundings. “Hey, do you mind if a couple of the guys come over for drinks later? They said that they wanted to meet you today while we were at practice.” Brock asked while looking over to see what she was doing, chuckling when he saw that she was playing with Milo and Coolie once again. “Yeah, I just gotta get ready though.” Kyia looked over to smile at Brock, she didn’t want to admit it but she was falling hard for him, those feelings have always been there but being in Vancouver with him for some reason just fuelled it. 

“Ah yes, so this is the lovely Kyia we always hear about.” Jake smiled at you before introducing himself. “So you talk about me huh?” Kyia raised an eyebrow playfully and everyone watched Brocks face turn into a light shade of red. “He never stops talking about you.” A tall blonde swede who she later learned was Elias, sighed with a chuckle before getting a little punch from Brock. 

“So, who wants some drinks?” Brock said quickly, trying to steer the conversation to a different topic. “You know what I want.” Kyia smiled as Brock went over to the kitchen to make her drink as well as grabbing a couple of beers for Elias and Jake.

Kyia learned a lot about what Brock was like on the ice and in Vancouver, not that he was any different than normally, it was just fun to hear the stories of him in Vancouver.

Elias and Jake had headed home, leaving a tipsy Brock and a drunk Kyia alone. “I love it here with you.” Kyia smiled as she heard those words come out of Brocks mouth. “Me too.” Kyia slurred while sitting closer to Brock, snuggling her head into his chest as he rubbed his thumb along her waist.

“I really missed seeing you everyday.” Kyia mumbled and pouted at Brock. Their faces were inches apart once again, and both Brock and Kyia were fighting the urge to just kiss each other. “Can I kiss you?” Brock asked quietly, cupping his spare hand onto Kyia’s bright red cheeks. “Yeah.” Kyia said with a smile before Brock pulled himself closer to her, kissing Kyia softly as she returned the favour. Neither of them said anything after they pulled away, they just sat there and cuddled till Brock had the guts to say something. “I love you.” Brock mumbled, expecting Kyia to be asleep. “I love you too, not as friends, more than that.” Kyia said softly as she looked up to see Brock smiling at her. “Me too.”

-

Brocks favourite thing to do in the off-season was going back to Minnesota and spending everyday on the lake and that’s what was happening right now.

“Hey.” Brock grinned while sitting down next to Kyia. “How many beers did you have?” Kyia sighed, quickly folding down the corner of the page she was reading and placed her book down so she could pay attention to Brock. “A couple.” 

Brock leaned his face right up to Kyia’s and kissed her face over and over again before whispering some nonsense as she giggled and smelt the alcohol in his breath. “I love you too Brock.” Kyia quickly pecked his lips before he rested his head on her chest. “What if we got married?” Brock mumbled, not expecting Kyia to hear it even though he wanted her to. Kyia didn’t know what to say, she knew that Brock was the one but she didn’t know if he truly meant it or he was just drunk. “Actually?” Kyia questioned and Brock lifted his head up to look at her. “Yeah.” Brock grinned because that’s all he knew what to do. “One day,” Kyia smiled as Brock laid his head back down on his chest and she played with his blonde hair.

[ziracona]

Dwight/Jake wedding headcanons maybe? They deserve it.

For sure!

It’s a couple years down the road. They’ve been living in the Indiana house with Adam, while the others orbit in and out from Springwood and Lockport and Haddonfield and Indianapolis and Bloomington and New Jersey and Missouri and New York and such every few days. It’s peaceful and fun there for them. Woods, big house, familiar smells and people and memorobelia and Ron’s grave and markers added nearby for Vigo and Alex and Lisa and Sujan and the person from the lab with no name and the survivors who came before them and never got to be buried. It’s home. They’re just chilling, Dwight and Jake talking with intent but also very relaxed about something while Adam edits a sequel in his easy chair, deep in edit mode, when Jake calls over, “Hey Adam, do you want to be a best man, or do you want to marry us?”

Which Adam hears the wrong homophone for for a second and almost takes him out before he realizes they meant the other version of ‘marry’ and remembers how to breathe again.

He stutters out a, “Well, I, uh—I mean, I can do whichever you’d prefer, but I’m not ordained. In. Anything. I know I did Min and Nea’s, but—”

“—Yeah, we know, but we just need it to be legal,” Jake shrugs, “and we don’t want a stranger at the wedding period, so someone’s getting ordained.”

“I think you can get ordained online in like an hour,” adds Dwight helpfully, “and we’re not religious either, but—and now that I’m saying this it was Meg so that means I should make sure becuase sometimes her memory for numbers is uhhh bad, but she told me like a week ago you only need ten people to officially get your new religion recognized. And we could be ‘the survivors’ or something. I don’t know I believe in much, but I believe in that.”

Jake nods. “Whatever is true, this group of people can rip a hole in the fabric of the universe for each other. I’d ascribe to that.”

“I kind of like that,” says Adam, “I would too. But if we have a spiritual ‘leader’, wouldn’t Ace be a better choice than me? Or Jane?”

This is considered a good point and they debate between Adam, Jeff, Tapp, Jane, and Ace for a bit, [Philip is also briefly considered, but they realize just as fast he’d be overwhelmed and stressed by having to do it & mercifully swap him to another role], then decide on Ace, who’s always been the kind of...not exactly dad, not exactly uncle, but not not those things, and certainly some kind of an early spiritual or morale core for them, parentish figure, and a comfort and hope leader for them all. Also, they know he’ll get a fkn kick out of being ordained for this.

Dwight takes Quentin as his Best Man, Claudette his Maid of Honor, and Jake takes Nea as Matron of Honor, Andrew as Best Man, and Meg as Maid of Honor. They decide fuck it, and it’s kinda Parks & Rec (an argument used by and against Jake many times the next few weeks) anyway, and also both take Adam and Philip as Best Men because fuck it, it’s too hard and also wedding rules are arbitrary and made to be broken, and so then Jake adds Kate as a bridesmaid, Dwight adds Laurie, they realize the number of survivors is dwindling dangerously and decide fuck it, our wedding is for us might as well be fkn weird and cool, and add David, Min, Tapp, Jane, Jeff, and Laurie as groomsmen and bridesmaids too. This still leaves Michael, Anna, Sally, Benedict, Susie, Jeff’s three Legion kids, and everyone’s families which is like fkn a lot of people, to be audience party (sans Nancy, who is pleaded with to be wedding party and run the music pre-reception because the number of people that they want involved /and/ who won’t give in to or be tricked by Meg into some kind of terrible flash mob stunt is very small, and in fact, basically is just Nancy. She is happy to do it and thinks their desperate reasoning is hilarious).

They break the news to Meg and Claudette and Ace first (after Adam), ask Ace to marry them, and tell Meg she can run post-weddding/reception music however she wants, except the songs for a couples dance & parent dances. She is /thrilled/. Claudette is very happy and cries. They call up Quentin & Nea to add to the conversation and Jake says Nea and Meg and Susie are in charge of setting up the wedding because he knows they’re gonna fight him for the role anyway, but they have to throw whatever they can together with only the stuff they own already and $50, they want only family & the other survivors/their families at the wedding, the service short and sweet, and to have it at the cabin, by the river. Meg loses her mind with indignance and joy together, and goes buckwild. They hit thrift shops for fairy lights and streamers and more.

Everyone is thrilled to be asked, Jane says “about time,” and Philip can’t think of anything to say and gets overwhelmed emotionally and taken off guard to be asked to be a groomsman. It’s sweet. Everyone with fashion sense takes everyone else shopping or through their wardrobes for fun wedding clothes and to at least have accent pieces that match a color theme. (Complimentary blues, yellow/gold, and pinks to the grooms’. More on that). It’s super fun & they make a fashion show of it. There’s no matching in form, just color, which is just the best version anyway there’s really no goddamn reason to spend thousands of bucks on a wedding when you could just have a funky cute good time with the people who love you & no stress.

Jake picks a deep blue hanbok (bc the hottest Jake I’ve ever seen is the one @eggchef did for lunar new year & the note in the tags about an actual hanbok has been banging around in my head ever since), and when they’re going through stuff for Dwight, he comments a pink one is surprisingly nice because it’s not the color he’d expected to think about, and Jake remarks offhand that if they do deep blue and pink they’ll be stealing their girls’ looks, and the second he says that, they both know there’s no other choice now. Dwight gets a light pink suit and a tie that matches Jake’s blue. They’re adorable and both look exceedingly handsome.

The wedding is short and perfect. Ace does a great job, it’s a nice day, and Meg works wonders with her $50 budget and (notably obscenely large) preexisting store of party supplies, + help from her mom who is passing down the legacy of being the best tiny budget party planner on earth. It’s very open, but with near arches and dangling glass and prisims that cast rainbows everywhere, lots of meaningfully chosen for their blessings and symbolism flowers and flower chains from Claudette. It’s a little reminiscent of the birthday decorations Min and Nea did plus the prisims, and that accidentally makes all the survivors super emotional like 1 minute in.

Only the moms get to speak in the wedding (besides Ace and the grooms), and Andrew and Meg and Nea and Quentin and such all gotta save their roasts for the reception. It’s sweet. Ace knows them super well and it shows in the best way. The grooms write their own vows, and both echo their statements in the hatch tunnel without knowing the other was going to do so too. Jake starts with an “I am deeply, unendingly, ridiculously in love with you,” and Dwight brings in a, “I wouldn’t be who I am without you.” They end it with Dwight saying, “Will you still stay with me, now that it’s all over? Through whatever we’re thrown to next?” And Jake replying, “Wherever you go, I’ll always follow.”

I cry.

The reception is a party by the house. It’s just a huge prepared buffet made by the family who can cook, so no one has to sit and wait. Meg starts the music with Cascada’s Evacuate the Dance Floor because she doesn’t “want to see people dragging their feet like a bunch of fuckin weenies, I want asses on that dance floor!” There’s a lot of 90s and early 2000s pop, but also many many classic dance songs. Lots of ABBA. Lots of it. Everyone has great fun. Min, Nea, Susie, and Meg made the playlist, except for a few of the specific dances. Muriel Fairfield’s mother-son dance with Dwight is to Song For Ten by Neil Hannon because he knows she’s a sweet big emotional nerd and it’s the song she wants, and he’s willing to do it, and she sobs and is a mess but also the happiest she’s been since the day she got the call he was alive.

They have literally zero idea where they’re going when they drive off for a honeymoon. They’re like “Uhh so I’ve been looking at our complete and utter lack of wedding structure and planning as a good thing? But we might have overstepped that a little here....”

Dwight drives while Jake searches the web for LGBT safe honeymoon locations because there’s nothing that would ruin a trip more than that not working out, and reads off a list and Dwight is like, “Wait wait holy fuck, I though you meant what US cities or maybe Canada. Switzerland? Do we even have cash for the plane fare somewhere like that?” And Jake just looks at the page silently for a few seconds, shuts the laptop, and without expression says, “...I really hate this, but I’m gonna let myself be a rich boy, just once.”

They take Andrew’s jet to New Zealand (Jake calls him and listens for 2 minutes then just monotone goes “Okay but you owe me for being a dipshit for fifteen years,” and they get the ride). Jake picks a relaxed pace and some scuba diving, some hikes, but no overnight camping. Lots of just seeing the world and holding hands and grinning at how absolutely breathless and shocked Dwight is at every chunk of nature like nothing he’s seen before. They are disgustingly, blissfully happy.

[loveamongthesailors]

Well, Pathologic 2, you’re One years old! It’s as good a moment as any to reflect upon and shatter the time-lines you’ve drawn out for us. OR; Reading His-Story Against the Grain

i saw this post about pathologics incongruous timeline stuff the other day and i ended up Getting Into It.. this piece draws on stuff from patho classic but its focused on patho 2, especially on a comparison ov the Diurnal and Nocturnal “endings,” and contains spoilers for both games, probably, i guess, on varying levels ov abstraction and explicitness. i/m going to attempt to stand on a street corner and point towards Pathologic’s overall construction/presentation ov “time” as the Now-time, Exploded time, Messianic Time.

from dear daniil dankovsky, on Angels; “An angel is a nightmare. Their purpose is to instill primal, oppressive horror. I think if angels existed, they’d resemble a divine pillar of light---from the heavens to the earth. Devoid of anything remotely human.” We commend this Puppet for his drama but would like to take a slightly different approach. Even awful dreams are good dreams, if you’re doing it right.

 IX

         “A Klee painting named ‘Angelus Novus’ shows an angel looking as though he is about to move away from something he is fixedly contemplating. His eyes are staring, his mouth is open, his wings are spread. This is how one pictures the angel of history. His face is turned toward the past. Where we perceive a chain of events, he sees one single catastrophe which keeps piling wreckage and hurls it in front of his feet. The angel would like to stay, awaken the dead, and make whole what has been smashed. But a storm is blowing in from Paradise; it has got caught in his wings with such a violence that the angel can no longer close them. The storm irresistibly propels him into the future to which his back is turned, while the pile of debris before him grows skyward. This storm is what we call progress.“            

         on the content ov patho and in a real Life context, im also going to be discussing genocide ov Indigenous people, colonial Violence, police brutality, and anti-Black violence in this piece. i’ll also be contextualizing some views on History through the writing ov Walter Benjamin, a German born Jew living in the early 20th century, and friend ov Bertolt Brecht, who you may be familiar with if yr into patho. In 1940, shortly after writing On the Concept of History (referenced here),while fleeing persecution for neutral grounds, he was trapped in catalonia by a franco government cancellation ov travel vistas and,under threat ov repatriation to nazis by the spanish police, commited suicide on the night ov september 26. His theses were passed on by surviving members ov his group who were granted “safe” passage after his suicide, being later taken under the care ov Hannah Arendt and Theodor W. Adorno. His Grave reads -in German and in Catalan, reproduced here in english-

"There is no document of culture which is not at the same time a document of barbarism"

(from section 7 ov On the Concept of History)

    i will also be using sections from baedan, which has been dear to me over the years, on Benjamin’s Concepts. some songs will be dispersed throughout (featuring Laurie Anderson, Owen Pallett, and some good ol tmg), with relevant links beneath. you’ve heard that old Brecht aphorism about dark times, singing, whatever? i’m nearly sick to death ov it. these stories, in addition, will be based on a few things i know Myself. follow the threads as you see fit <3

Because History is Stories...That we half-remember... And most of them never even get written down. And so when they say things like "We're gonna do this by the book," You have to ask "What book?," Because it would make a big difference if it was Dostoyevsky or just, You know... Ivanhoe.

xxx

“Read what was never written,” runs a line in Hofmannsthal. The reader one should think of here is the true historian. ~ Walter Benjamin, omitted notes to the theses on history  

//// //// //// ////

Isidor Burakh: All I wanted was for you to understand, not to follow any particular fate.

...

Isidor Burakh: The Town needs to move forward, but it doesn’t insist. Facing the Future is the the way of Love. Facing the Past is the way of Love. But the two are incompatible, and it broke my heart. //// //// //// ////

      so,,, depending on who you ask within Pathologics narrative, the history ov the Town-on-Gorkhon stretches back to Time Immemorial, constitutes a few hundred years ov settlement, or only goes back about as far as You have been playing the game. You’ll hear conflicting narratives around just about everything in this Town. Simon Kain, hundred something years old, mystic, spiritual founder ov a several hundred year old settlement. an executed general’s vengeful daughter, Artemy and Rubins foggy backstories ov military service, what military?, what war? Who sent in the Military and Inquisition, how can We get at the Powers that Be? looking outside ov the narrative and towards history for these sorts ov questions will give us All and None ov the answers. 

       The Termitary (internment/interment/intermediate/immediate/intermittent)  looms over the Home ov Isidor Burakh, Menkhu and sole Medical Practitioner ov the town(excepting disciples. consider the spread ov knowledge, what different Knowledges are at hand and how they perpetuate...we can see how Isidor himself looms from his grave Quite well!), colleague ov radical intellectuals from the Capital and serving with Simon in tandem with the Mistresses to hold the Town together by force. Everything is Happening at Once.

        Look at What/Who is Moving this Story Forward. Different ruling families will give you again, different Numbers, different Stories. One can’t trust the Numbers, we say! and One can hardly trust the Stories either, mind you. This engenders an approach based on following Patterns, exploring Roots, pulling back the curtain to ascertain the shape ov things, reading the lines so to speak. one Bull or Several bulls? silly question. again, we’re trying to looking beyond the Numbers. consider Time as a Multiplicity. consider Rhythmic and Linear time, Time Stratified, Unending Time, Plague Time and Empty Time, Lived Time and Time un-Lived, if one pleases!

XVII                                                    

           “Historicism rightly culminates in universal history. Materialistic historiography differs from it as to method more clearly than from any other kind. Universal history has no theoretical armature. Its method is additive; it musters a mass of data to fill the homogoneous, empty time. Materialistic historiography, on the other hand, is based on a constructive principle. Thinking involves not only the flow of thoughts, but their arrest as well. Where thinking suddenly stops in a configuration pregnant with tensions, it gives that configuration a shock, by which it crystallizes into a monad. A historical materialist approaches a historical subject only where he encounters it as a monad. In this structure he recognizes the sign of a Messianic cessation of happening, or, put differently, a revolutionary chance in the fight for the oppressed past. He takes cognizance of it in order to blast a specific era out of the homogenous course of history—blasting a specific life out of the era or a specific work out of the lifework. As a result of this method the lifework is preserved in this work and at the same time canceled*; in the lifework, the era; and in the era, the entire course of history. The nourishing fruit of the historically understood contains time as a precious but tasteless seed.”                                                   

*The Hegelian term aufheben in its threefold meaning: to preserve, to elevate, to cancel.

          Everything is happening at once, already, and, for the purposes ov Our story, A plague is on. (why is there a plague on?  in this Specific Case, read: Specimen, there is a plague on because infection serves as a very useful allegorical device. haha. see also dominant theories ov infectivity in russian imperial medicine, policy, and social science) Crisis as Inflammation. Violence and Control intensified along multiple vectors. Mobs, Witch Burnings, The Quarantine, districts carved up and kept under surveillance, the Town Police, Arsonists, government or Otherwise, the Military, the Inquisition, Hangings in the square, tallies ov the Dead in the Termitary... Was any ov this new? did it Crystallize from thin air? here’s an aphorism: There’s Nothing New Under the Sun. what can we find beyond the Sun’s reaches? what has the Sun given us, and what has Earth? shall we keep them apart? whose bodies are restricted in their movement over the earth, and how severely are they restricted? who is targeted? who enforces the control? is this what Crisis looks like? when did the Crisis start?

VI                       

           “To articulate the past historically does not mean to recognize it ‘the way it really was’ (Ranke). It means to seize hold of a memory as it flashes up at a moment of danger. Historical materialism wishes to retain that image of the past which unexpectedly appears to man singled out by history at a moment of danger. The danger effects both the content of the tradition and its receivers. The same threat hangs over both: that of becoming a tool of the ruling classes. In every era the attempt must be made anew to wrest tradition away from a conformism that is about to overpower it. The Messiah comes not only as the redeemer, he comes as the subduer of Antichrist. Only that historian will have the gift of fanning the spark of hope in the past who is firmly convinced that even the dead will not be safe from the enemy if he wins. And this enemy has not ceased to be victorious.”

//// //// //// //// 

But do not be scared Surely some disaster will descend and equalize us A crisis Will unify the godless and the fearless and the righteous

...

In a certain slant of light the feeling will hit me Like a man against the waves and a violent wind Waking up in a bloody morning With the warmth of his forgiveness around me The shared dream left me shaking The memory is threatening to capsize every ship upon the sea

xxx //// //// //// ////

      Pathologic, having mapped out these lines, and being a concatenation ov narrative fiction that could not have existed without the precondition ov colonial expansion and the Extermination and Assimilation ov Indigenous populations and Life ways, can be can be unwound through a conventional historical approach by investigating various moments, epidemics, and movements in The Steppe (and all Land and Living Beings subsumed by Russia’s internal colonization) and looking for similarities, sources, influences, reflections, distortions... You’ll never find quite an exact parallel to the events ov pathologic, and you will find that the Trick that the devisers have given you in fact resides in laying out what can be gleaned from the Tangled view.

“…they make the work a process of learning or experimentation, but also something total every time, where the whole of chance is affirmed in each case, renewable every time,”

         — Gilles Deleuze, Difference&Repetition

//// //// //// ////

“For Benjamin, the conclusion of the movement of history through time is not some inevitable utopia—capitalist, communist, or otherwise. Rather than viewing the progression of civilization as an accumulation of gains and reforms toward freedom and justice, history can be seen as the continuous defeat of the exploited by their oppressors; the intensifying alienation of beings and their re-construction into capital. History not only serves to justify today’s rulers, but also to encode our memory with a narrative that reads historical events as a necessary chain of events along the path toward some future revolution or techno-utopia. He describes this as “a view of history that puts its faith in the infinite extent of time and thus concerns itself only with the speed, or lack of it, with which people and epochs advance along the path of progress.”

//// //// //// ////

     In your Twelve Days in the town as a Healer, what did you see? piles ov wreckage, debris, bodies stacked under streetlamps flickering in the night? a town spreading across a steppe? a Utopia growing through the Earth? do you think you saved any lives, and was any-body's life yours to save in the first place? a Plague moving through living organisms? a Plague moving through non-living organisms? did you observe any Organisms, living or otherwise, over the course ov the play? do you have Mirrors in your house? have you seen a still, clear, body ov water recently? what are the waterways where you live called, and have they been called anything else in the Past or Present? did you become the Haruspex, and following what paths does becoming-haruspex entail? are you winning, son?

When the hunger turns in on itself, it begins to devour its host Who do you turn to for help? Who do you love the most? When the word comes down the wire that they're looking To make an example of you Skin and bones around a campfire beneath the stars No good end in view I dance with the ones that brought me I dance with the ones that brought me here

xxx

         did you observe a Fever? can you feel a Fever? can you Imagine a great crack ov lightning striking across the Steppe, illuminating in raw detail the beauty and horror ov all that you have experienced? how would it smell afterwards? can you smell the Twyre on the air? is Twyre even a real thing? what may influence your imaginary ov its scent? Feel small, dirty hands reaching out for beetles, marbles, raisins, souls within nuts and names without people. Living on pemmican, Living on military rations. razors, fish-hooks, scalpels and syringes passing through the hands ov children as well. noticing the flows present in everything, spots where they are arrested, and the intensities they assume. we could run through the Game and Count up the Number ov Clocks present, and we could also look at how many hours we have Clocked in our Playtime, and the date ov this Play’s Production. did the Kains succeed in their mission to Produce Time? was this the Kain’s mission Alone? how is your mental Clock? We got the Body Count at the end of the day, and commentary too. cant beat that courtesy, *hem hem* but again, looking beyond the Numbers. how many Bulls did you see? when is a question also a trap? 

XVIII                                                  

       “‘In relation to the history of organic life on earth,’ writes a modern biologist, ‘the paltry fifty millennia of homo sapiens constitute something like two seconds at the close of a twenty-four-hour day. On this scale, the history of civilized mankind would fill one-fifth of the last second of the last hour.’ The present, which, as a model of Messianic time, comprises the entire history of mankind in an enormous abridgment, coincides exactly with the stature which the history of mankind has in the universe.”

what are the Consequences ov inserting Living Beings into a Linear Framework? where did Architecture come from? how was this Story constructed? What do you remember about the Town? 

We can take the Diurnal “ending” as a fairly straightforward allegorical Byway for the Forces ov Progress. Boundaries are set, You are not the Town, the Town is your Soul-and-a-half.( wikihow to not be a cartesian dualist, consider also Spinoza if laying bare the path ov immanence was ov interest to you) What lays beneath the Sunlight? what still lays beneath the Earth? What time is it? things are weirdly cozy, in some ways. mimesis, echoes, ghosts. Are their voices still heard? grace tallies up the bodies. are You ready to Leave Artemy here? is this a comfortable future for you to imagine? how are you with uncertainty? Does the costume itch? do you ache at the seams, or are your joints sore from all the strings pulling at them? got arthritis? i’ve used stinging nettle. can a Story devour a human being? why would something with that power stop at One?  

What Do You Think Will Happen Now?

One can also make the Choice to step into the Darkness. One with many names has returned to the Earth,(”One” ov many False Deaths and Smart Tricks too. love ya girl <3)... taya as mistress-ov-bulls, grace as mistress-ov-dead, changeling as mistress-ov-absolutley-whatever. Mistresses, Mist, Tresses, Bulls, Brides, Worms, Plague...the Theme/s to note here is/are Multiplicity. Is there a difference between imagining the future and the past? Where are you? Where did You come from? the Nocturnal ending already asks enough questions to make me quite happy. sitting next to the Girls now, looking out at the New Sky. same as the old sky, Full ov Magic. if we take Death ov the Author into account, we could say that the Polyhedron belongs to the Dead in more ways than one. We can see your house from here! i wouldn’t say we’ve even gotten to the Prophet yet. When did our Hero leave us? did We have any use for Heroism? the Steppe is in the Stone Yard now. The World is returning to Life. what does it mean for me?

how many angels can dance on the head ov a pin?

how many worm brides can dance in the cathedral?

   ....“The way in which the dead are present is as the “caress” of a “breath of… air,” as an “echo,” or as a sister who one no longer recognizes. In other words, the past is present and everywhere, touching us every moment and “in the voices we hear,” but only suggestively, in and in spite of our own inability to recognize it. But the possibility for redemption, the weak messianic power, lies in the chance that we might.

In the intimate, ever-present opportunity he describes there is a tremendous deal at stake. For, he writes in the fourth thesis, the “refined and spiritual things” that live in the class struggle “as confidence, courage, humor, cunning, and fortitude, and have effects that reach far back into the past… constantly call into question every victory, past and present, of the rulers.”

Later, turning to the historians he criticizes as tools of the ruling classes, Benjamin makes it clear in his seventh thesis that their resurrection of the past is an entirely different kind. The nature of the sadness—rooted in an indolence of heart—that Flaubert described feeling in his historical study of Carthage is clearer, Benjamin says, when we remember that the historian’s empathy is always with the victor, and thus with the present rulers. It is the kind of sadness, then, that gathers to the loyal servant or minion in knowing that it is being used for its ruler’s purposes”

         “Figured another way, the task of interruption requires us to locate the clocktower that we could fire upon to stop the day. Homogenous time no longer flows through the monolithic machines in the city centers. Now, a range of technological advancements have diffused and integrated the machinery of time into our very thoughts and rhythms. Everywhere we go, we are surrounded by and permeated with devices which serve to manage the regime of time. Where once a singular apparatus mediated our relationship to time, its dictatorship is now imposed by an innumerable array. A desire for interruption must now reckon with the countless apparatuses that segment our memory and integrate our very being into capitalist time. But rather than waste time lashing out against all these clocks one after another, let us cut through to what underlies them.

           History’s servants promise us a shining future. Whether by means of technological innovation, hard work and sacrifice, or the Revolution, we are assured of a heaven-on-earth of light and crystal. But all of these glimmering apparatuses can only serve to adorn the monumental pile of wreckage in which we live. All around us, the carnage and corpses of our ancestors form the architecture of our daily existence. Not only the walls and freeways and shopping centers, but the smart phones, pornography, surveillance and entertainment systems—all monuments to the same enemy that has never ceased to be victorious. Capital, Leviathan, civilization, society: so many names for the process which turns life into an assemblage of death, which would integrate us as machines into a grander machinery. Futurity is the logic that drives this regime of subjection and assimilation, but is also the science which desecrates our memory of those who also struggled; the treachery which turns their struggles into so many more ideological cadavers. Where living beings once struggled to be free from futurity’s domination of their lives, we are told that they dutifully sacrificed themselves for society’s future. We too are called upon to procreate and raise up children who might one day live better lives than we. But just as we were born into the halls of the dead, so too would our children be the stillborn janitors of these halls, breathing circuits embedded in a massive cybernetic cadaver. Ghosts call out to us: they ask that we tear apart the sutures of this Frankenstein’s monster which they’ve come to constitute. They call on us to cremate their remains and bury the ashes, to end the reign of the dead over the living.”

//// //// //// ////

"I am not afraid," ze said "Of the non-believer within me Nor delight at the pain of my enemies Nor tears for any friends I have lost" ...

I’ll never have any children I’d bear them and eat them, my children

I’m gonna change my body In the light and the shadow of suspicion I am no longer afraid The truth doesn’t terrify us, terrify us My salvation is found in discipline, in discipline

xxxx

//// //// //// ////

“It is apparent from the foregoing that all accumulation is cruel; all renunciation of the present for the sake of the future is cruel.”

— Georges Bataille, The Accursed Share, Volume III

//// //// //// ////

“The Haruspex is blood and organs... ...The Haruspex’s overarching idea is the interconnectedness of everything and restoring the connections... ...The Haruspex hears (rhythms)... ...The Haruspex: water + forward vector. „ — [from the game’s design documents]

“ The Haruspex, a butcher, a killer, one could even say a murderous psychopath, gets the warmest character arc. It’s about love. „ — [from the game’s design documents] 

//// //// //// ////

Infinity Mirrored Room—All the Eternal Love I Have for the Pumpkins -

Yayoi Kusama, 2016

//// //// //// ////

       A long “personal” anecdote: there’s music on the air and i hear a familiar buzzing. it isn’t twyre growing, nor it is the hum ov flies. we Keep bees here, to get honey.  I should try to remember to bring some to my wife tomorrow, though making the journey on its own is a bit daunting these days. 1 hive, 2 hives, the bees build and swarm and our Keeper rearranges the frames, adds in new boxes, tries to give them enough space that they'll stay within our domain. I think about the complex roles being fulfilled within the hive, and how any egg can grow into a so called “Queen” if need be. These Hives haven’t always held the same populations, sometimes a swarm will depart and won’t be Recovered. Look around the neighborhood, find the buzzing tree, you may be able to get them back yet but... have you tried getting a swarm ov bees into a box before? good luck finding the queen! (hoping i don’t have to do this but a bit excited by the prospect at the same time.)

        Our honey bees didn't originate from this region, i see them in the “yard” alongside native bees (one tries to plant for Everybody) but obviously, Our Hives are here so i’ll always see more ov the honeybees as long as they’re occupying them. Native bees to our Bioregion are leading very different lifestyles. Different threats, dynamics, and places in the ecosystem as well. Bumblebees are the most Beloved. Native Bees here- vital pollinators, ground and stem burrowers, more solitary souls than most, but are any ov us really alone? what are their favorite flowers?

          I think about Bees a lot now. I’m standing here thinking about Bees, and where I’m standing is in between the entrance ov the Hive and their favorite Ceanothus (see also soap brush, red root, buckbrush, see medicinal uses...). Very precious grounds to these Bees, not somewhere where I’m welcome. I Haven’t always known as much about bees. I get stung right inbetween my pinky and index fingers, on the palm ov my hand. yeowch! Bad luck, but i could still use a shovel the next day. This was an anecdote about Paying Attention to Your Surroundings.

       The Ceanothus isn’t flowering anymore, and hasn't been for a few “weeks” (i think?) The Bees have other concerns now. In fact, it was heavily damaged in a snow storm a couple years back, and half ov its branches collapsed under the weight ov the ice. Its a bit ov a twisted thing now, what remains still flowers but what remains is not so much. At some point in the future upon yr reading ov this, it will have been cut down and possibly dug out ov the earth. I wouldn't be surprised if a few more, smaller, iterations made their way to this space in remembrance/ tribute. The branches lost in it’s first wounding are still stacked up nearby, all sorts ov creatures love that stuff. Dead trees in the back that Birds still frequent stay for the birds. We never get that many plums because we’re not smart or quick enough, or as willing to take one great bite ov a fruit and let the rest fall to the soil. I didn’t really get stung by a Bee in a situation exactly like what i described up there, it’s drawing on a few different times that sort ov thing happened. I hope you’ll forgive me for my obscurantist tendencies.

       Looking past the Hives and onto the Streets, I am a White Settler(family fled the reach ov the Soviet Union to integrate into America, family fled family to a different part ov land under the Reaches ov said “America”,cave fled family but stuck with the Land, recurring patterns, what would my views be if i had grown up in Czechoslovakia? geography, chronology, trick questions) living in a segment ov Town that, until 1968, was a legally a Sundown Town, see Racial Restrictive Covenants. I still don’t see than many Black ppl around my neighborhood. I do see grocery store parking lots swarming with cop cars, more cops than i can Count, at least two k9 units, all to pursue One Black Body through the rainy night, My own Body lets me move through the world without these Forces being brought upon me in this intensity, lets me Watch.

          Certain alignments ov directions ov Struggle have brought me into the position ov the Other at the end ov the cudgel, a body in a crowd under the looming eye and long barrel ov the sniper, the surveillance camera. Visibility is a Trap. Any ability i have to Get Off The Hook is based not on Luck or Fate, but due to the way the color ov my skin is reflected in the eyes ov Those in Power. what can i do from inside This Skin, and what can i do with the veil ov a mask obliterating my “selfhood”? How are we to heal? If you didnt read this into my Musical choices already- im a bit ov a flaming/smoldering queer. sitting in the planned parenthood lobby, one among many, gripped by recollections ov the devastating history ov HIV/AIDS and a cluster ov other Crises, memories ov beloved souls lost to policies and hegemony ov extermination and neglect. blood in vials, piss in jars. how does the time spent waiting for results feel?(how long? weeks months?)

           I have more free condoms on hand than i’ll ever get through. A veritable theoretical eternity ov Safer Sex. There are Reasons why Queer Institutions give access to free condoms. But i’ve gotten them from some delightful Quakers as well. on another squeamish, libidinal subject, administering self injections isnt so daunting when you’ve seen it done a Million times before. It’s like watching somebody sneeze, or pinching yourself. HRT as potions, mechanical intrusion to will a slow transformation. getting into the fat is easy, some other avenues less so. “This requires the Gentle Hand of a Surgeon, step aside!” i know a lot about what Doctors Don’t Know. (veins and arteries as streets- easy. nerves as streets - you hear this a bit less. streets as eyes, the opening ov your mouth with a railroad track running down it, eyes as streets, whose streets? fuck streets! tear up the concrete)

          The aforementioned streets are closed to Traffic due to the Quarantine, and i hear folks and families from the neighborhood walking/hoverboarding/skateboarding/biking down the street,(mostly the new work from home yuppie class and their spawn respectively, but there's some real ones around here too. all ages. have yet to live anywhere that people don't ask me for cigarettes) chattering away, masks or no masks. If i take a long walk down past the cemetery, I’ll find myself passing by a Native American Youth Home, created to provide support for a population that is currently disproportionately represented in this Town’s already Massive Homeless population. (their covid19 resources and donation info) Even with the Plague on, New Condos are built and Old Condos stay empty. Who do the bones in the soil beneath my feet belong to? When did all ov this Start, and how Long will it go on? why does the Map look the way it does? I would rather listen carefully than dig. This Story is not the only Story, nor should any be.

      do i remember how the damp asphalt smells Here after Lightning Strikes? do i remember the feeling ov my body thrown to the concrete and the chaos and disorientation ov Crowds mobbing over me, slick with rain and sweat? who saw, and how many hands reached out to lift me up, who saved who? is that my blood trickling down the sidewalk? Flashbangs and Flashes ov Lightning, take yr pick. you can get similar experiential learning in the moshpit. this is an anecdote about Paying Attention to Your Surroundings.

i’ll try to bring us nearer to the point with baedan’s conclusion, a reflection on the First thesis from On the Concept of History. I will leave it up to You to investigate the original text if you are so Inclined.

//// //// //// ////

           “For every pretty theory that presents itself, study it only in the way that a cat studies its prey: for the enjoyment of the hunt, to be sure, but also so as to seize upon whatever unique revolutionary chance may appear as in a flash of lightning. So that when that narrow gate opens, you pounce without a moment’s hesitation. In the meantime, by all means, enjoy the diversion of the theory’s lines and moves, but if you are to avoid becoming its tool you must ever have in mind to shatter the system of mirrors and confront the dwarf that has been pulling the strings all along. Faced with this ugly little creature behind all the lines of play you’ve enjoyed and suffered, able at last to read the lines of its face and the dark of its eyes, as time stands still and the entirety of the past falls to you, you will have to make a deeply ethical decision that nothing in all the games before could prepare you for. The only decision that truly matters.”

//// //// //// ////

Artemy Burakh: Any Choice is Right as long as it’s Willed.

//// //// /// ////

Hansel and Gretel are alive and well And they're living in Berlin She is a cocktail waitress He had a part in a Fassbinder film And they sit around at night now Drinking schnapps and gin And she says: Hansel, you're really bringing me down And he says: Gretel, you can really be a bitch He says: I've wasted my life on our stupid legend When my one and only love Was the wicked witch

She said: what is history? And he said: history is an angel being blown backwards into the future He said: history is a pile of debris And the angel wants to go back and fix things To repair the things that have been broken But there is a storm blowing from paradise And the storm keeps blowing the angel backwards into the future And this storm, this storm is called progress

xxx

TLDR; pathologics shitty timeline is cool because it fosters a metagame where the imperative is to make history explode in real life.

specific thanx to: every1 included above, my local subversive lit dealers, Whoever gave the talk last ABF about Queer Wanderings in the anti-nazi Underworld, have not stopped carrying those stories with me since. thanks to the Dear Listener, thanks 2 my wife for pragmatic and personal encouragements <3

a personal acknowledgement to the lives and legacies ov the dxʷdəwʔabš (Duwamish) people, past and present, First People ov the Land i currently Occupy, alongside the entire City ov so-called “Seattle.”

[ofelvie]

joe keery. cis male. he/him.  ／  elvie croft just pulled up blasting spooky boy by danny gonzalez  — that song is so them ! you know, for a twenty - four year old youtuber, i’ve heard they’re really scatterbrained, but that they make up for it by being so loyal. if i had to choose three things to describe them, i’d probably say 80s horror, buckets of halloween candy, and blurry photographs of mysterious figures in the woods. here’s to hoping they don’t cause too much trouble ! ( sam, 23, est, she/her )

hey there demons! *ba dum tss* my name is sam and i’ll be writing elvie, a brilliant harvard law graduate who threw away any shred of credibility he ever had in order to make silly videos on the internet. more info under the cut. feel free to message me if you would like to plot!

i. stats

𝖋𝖚𝖑𝖑 𝖓𝖆𝖒𝖊: elvin tupelo croft

𝖕𝖗𝖊𝖋𝖊𝖗𝖗𝖊𝖉 𝖓𝖆𝖒𝖊𝖘: el, elvie, the ghost guy

𝖍𝖔𝖒𝖊𝖙𝖔𝖜𝖓: salem, massachusetts 

𝖉𝖆𝖙𝖊 𝖔𝖋 𝖇𝖎𝖗𝖙𝖍: october 31, 1995

𝖟𝖔𝖉𝖎𝖆𝖈: scorpio

𝖔𝖗𝖎𝖊𝖓𝖙𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓: demisexual

𝖔𝖈𝖈𝖚𝖕𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓: lawyer youtuber

𝖕𝖔𝖘. 𝖙𝖗𝖆𝖎𝖙𝖘: loyal, open - minded, exuberant.

𝖓𝖊𝖌. 𝖙𝖗𝖆𝖎𝖙𝖘: scatterbrained, obstreperous, impulsive.

𝖎𝖓𝖘𝖕𝖎𝖗𝖊𝖉 𝖇𝖞: shawn spencer, psych ; fox mulder, the x files ; stiles stilinski, teen wolf.

ii. history

elvin tupelo “elvie” croft was born in salem, massachusetts ( yes, really ) on halloween day ( yes, really ). an only child, his father is the district attorney for essex county, massachusetts while his mother owns a store in town that sells witchcraft supplies such as crystals, herbs, grimiores, etc. fun fact: she’s the descendant of an accused witch, meaning that elvie is as well.

as it turns out, beneath of the surface of the few tourist attractions that it has to offer, salem has a small town, stuck in the past vibe. it’s the sort of place where everyone knows everyone all their lives because no one ever leaves and no one ever moves in. he grew up in this...eccentric...environment, living in the same house all his life and only ever leaving to visit his grandparents in boston. 

he was five years old when he saw his first horror movie ( an apathetic teenage babysitter let him stay up long past his bedtime to watch nightmare on elm street ) and from that moment on he was HOOKED.

when he started school, two things about him became apparent: 1) he was highly intelligent and 2) he struggled greatly with tasks such as sitting still and staying focused. he was tested, and it turns out that he has a through the roof genius level iq and he also has adhd, which he was put on a few different medications for until something finally seemed to work for him.

he could have been one of those child prodigies who finished high school at the age of ten and then college at the age of fourteen, BUT his parents decided that they didn’t want him to miss out on the experience of going through school with people his own age.

as the smartest kid in class with glasses and braces and an insatiable obsession with all things horror and halloween, he…was picked on. mercilessly.

so, he didn’t really have any friends...............................at all.................................but he didn’t mind. he was perfectly content to go right home after school and spend the rest of the day reading comic books or watching horror movies or researching local urban legends and paranormal stories.

he started his youtube channel when he was a teenager and it was…trash honestly. it was basically buzzfeed unsolved if buzzfeed unsolved consisted of one ( 1 ) dorky teenager yelling at the air in the middle of abandoned house at 3am, but it turned out that people found it entertaining. his first few videos were flops, but he would soon start amassing subscribers in the hundreds, then thousands, then hundreds of thousands.

so, when he got to his senior year of high school, he was a shoe - in to be named class valedictorian ( he was ) and he was even getting ivy league offers. at the same time, his youtube channel was starting to gain momentum. his parents mainly his father were really pushing him to attend college and elvie, genius level iq and all…didn’t want to go. he wanted to focus on his youtube channel, but his dad was absolutely not having it.

he attended harvard for both his pre law and law school studies, breezed through classes, graduated with honors at the top of his class and once he passed the bar exam there were countless job offers waiting for him. elvie ignored them all and moved to los angeles so that he could finally focus on his youtube channel.

it’s been almost two years since he moved and he likes it in california!

iii. extras

his name is elvin but basically no one ever calls him that. his own parents don’t even particularly like the name. long story. most people call him elvie and some who are super close to him just call him el.

while he is the “ryan” aka the believer of his youtube series, he’s definitely NOT a scaredy cat like ryan the poor guy. in fact, all his life there’s been this running joke that HE DOESN’T SEEM TO BE SCARED OF ANYTHING, and who knows? maybe he isn’t.

has the most cartoonishly exaggerated boston accent that one could ever hope to hear, except he doesn’t seem to realize it at all. 

10/31 blaze it he’s a HUGE stoner.

he’s got jokes. stay vigilant.

he’s OBSESSED with all things horror, halloween, and 80s. he makes a lot of film references that are often so obscure that most people don’t even catch them.

he is legally permitted to practice law in the states of massachusetts and california, so basically: he’s a lawyer! however, this is not at all common knowledge because...

most people don’t know how smart he actually is because he intentionally plays dumb and he’s really good at it. being high all the time and his natural chaotic energy is quite helpful in hiding his intelligence. he just doesn’t like to be seen as smart, so the whole once - brilliant law student thing? not common knowledge whatsoever. he tries not to mention the college he attended by name at all, but if he has to then he lies and says that he went to salem state.

and yes, he has SO MUCH chaotic energy. he’s the kind of person who will stick a fork in his microwave just to see what would happen out of sheer boredom. he has two pet mexican redknee tarantulas that probably aren’t even allowed on campus named freddy and jason who he just…fucking loses track of every other day. his favorite drink is literally black coffee mixed together with a can of monster energy and 5 ( f i v e ) teaspoons of sugar. he is c h a o s. he has absolutely NO IMPULSE CONTROL whatsoever. 

he has slight Daddy Issues™. slight. when he was born, his dad was hoping that he would get a star athlete kid who would go on to follow in his footsteps and one day become a successful, respectable lawyer but instead he got…elvie. he’s never outright said that he’s disappointed but he didn’t need to. elvie’s a really difficult person to rattle but every time, without fail, he ends a phone call with his dad and he’s in a bad mood for the rest of the day. 

his car is this PIECE OF JUNK giant turquoise van that he painted to look like the mystery machine. her name is laurie strode.

even though he makes constant pop culture references about horror movies and the 80s, but outside of those areas he’s completely clueless about pop culture. like, he can recite the entire scripts of the shining and empire strikes back and ferris bueller’s day off word for word, but if someone tried to talk to him about the new post malone song or the latest marvel movie he would just stare blankly.

he has a HUGE sweet tooth. his favorite food is halloween candy and his favorite candy is black licorice disgusting i know.

he takes adderall for his adhd and he’s usually good about keeping up with it. started keeping them on his person in college because he realized that his meds were getting stolen and it’s a habit he's held onto that doesn’t really keep his shit from getting stolen.

.he’s good at…A LOT of things because he’s a really fast learner. he can play the guitar, he can draw, he did drama in high school. he just has to watch someone do something once and then he can usually immediately do it himself. this skill doesn’t extend to physical activities such as sports, however. he’s terrible at those.

he’s basically a cartoon character

iv. wanted connections

friends

cousin  ( their grandparents would probably be from boston but otherwise anything really goes for this )

his weed dealer lmao

smoking buddies

people who don’t like him / find him annoying

has stolen his adderall

maybe someone who knows how smart he really is

exes and flings

( these are just ideas and i’m trash at coming up with these, so please don’t feel limited by what’s listed here. )

[elviefm]

is that [JOE KEERY]? no, that’s just [ELVIE CROFT]. [HE/HIM] is [TWENTY-FIVE] years old and is a [NIGHT JANITOR AT CURTAIN CALL]. rumor has it they’ve been in town for [ONE MONTH]. on a good day, they’re [JOCUND & PERSPICACIOUS]. but watch out! they can also be [SCATTERBRAINED & OBSTREPEROUS]. [SCRAWNY BY WALLOWS] plays in my head whenever i think of them. can’t wait to see them around Springhill! [sam, 23, est, she/her]

hey there demons! *ba dum tss* i’m sam and this is one of my favorite muses ever so without further ado, character info is under the cut and please message me if you would like to plot!

i. stats

ｆｕｌｌ ｎａｍｅ：elvin tupelo croft

ｐｒｅｆｅｒｒｅｄ ｎａｍｅｓ：el, elvie, spooky guy

ｈｏｍｅｔｏｗｎ：salem, massachusetts

ｄａｔｅ ｏｆ ｂｉｒｔｈ：october 31st, 1994

ａｇｅ： twenty - five

ｚｏｄｉａｃ：scorpio

ｏｒｉｅｎｔａｔｉｏｎ：demisexual

ｏｃｃｕｐａｔｉｏｎ：night janitor at curtain call movie theater

ｐｏｓ． ｔｒａｉｔｓ：jocund, perspicacious, loyal, open - minded.

ｎｅｇ． ｔｒａｉｔｓ：scatterbrained, obstreperous, flippant

ii. history

elvin tupelo “elvie” croft was born in salem, massachusetts ( yes, really ) on halloween day ( yes, really ). he's an only child and his father is the district attorney for essex county, massachusetts while his mother owns a small local business that sells witchcraft supplies such as crystals, herbs, grimoires, and more. interesting fact: she’s the descendant of an accused witch, meaning that elvie is as well.

as it turns out, beneath of the surface of the few tourist attractions that it has to offer, salem has a small town, stuck in the past vibe. it’s the sort of place where everyone knows everyone all their lives because no one ever leaves and no one ever moves in. he grew up in this…eccentric…environment, living in the same house all his life and only ever leaving to visit his grandparents in boston.

he was five years old when he saw his first horror movie ( an apathetic teenage babysitter let him stay up long past his bedtime to watch nightmare on elm street ) and from that moment on he was HOOKED.

when he started school, two things about him became apparent: 1) he was highly intelligent and 2) he struggled greatly with tasks such as sitting still and staying focused. he was tested ( a few times, much to his irritation ) and it turns out that he has a genius level iq and adhd.

he could have been one of those child prodigies who finished high school at the age of ten and then college at the age of fourteen, BUT his parents decided that they didn’t want him to miss out on the experience of going through school with peers his own age.

HOWEVER, as the smartest kid in class with glasses and braces and an insatiable obsession with all things horror and halloween, he…was picked on. mercilessly. he never had many friends, but he was content to go right home after school and spend the rest of the day reading comic books or watching horror movies or researching local urban legends and paranormal stories.

so, when he got to his senior year of high school, he was a shoe - in to be named class valedictorian ( he was ) and he was even getting ivy league offers. of course, his parents mainly his father were really pushing him to attend college and elvie, genius level iq and all…didn’t want to go. he had a van ( a turquoise monstrosity painted to look like the mystery machine ) and he just wanted to drive. alas, his dad was absolutely NOT having it.

he attended harvard for both his pre law and law school studies, breezed through classes, graduated with honors at the top of his class and once he passed the bar exam there were countless job offers waiting for him. elvie ignored them all and finally embarked on that road trip he had been meaning to take.

he’s been on the road for about a year now and he’s traveled all over the country. he often breezes into a town or a city, lives in his van, and takes up some odd jobs to squeeze a few dollars out of before he inevitably gets fired for messing up or not taking the work seriously or getting high on the job. he arrived in springfield a month ago, continuing his pattern or having fun and exploring somewhere he’s never been before.

iii. extras

his name is elvin but basically no one ever calls him that. his own parents don’t even particularly like the name. long story. most people call him elvie and some who are super close to him just call him el.

BIG RYAN BERGARA ENERGY. a huge believer in the paranormal and urban legends, and one of his favorite things to do when he goes somewhere new is check out the local cemeteries and haunted locales. unlike ryan, the poor guy he’s definitely NOT a scaredy cat in fact, all his life there’s been this running joke that he doesn’t seem to be scared of anything, and who knows? maybe he isn’t.

has the most cartoonishly exaggerated boston accent that one could ever hope to hear, except he doesn’t seem to realize it at all.

10/31 blaze it he’s a HUGE stoner.

he’s got jokes. stay vigilant.

he’s OBSESSED with all things horror, halloween, and 80s. he makes a lot of film references that are often so obscure that most people don’t even catch them.

he’s a lawyer! at least in the state of massachusetts. however, this is not at all common knowledge because…

most people don’t know how smart he actually is as he intentionally plays dumb and he’s really good at it. being high all the time and his natural chaotic energy is quite helpful in hiding his intelligence. he just doesn’t like to be seen as smart, so the whole once - brilliant law student thing? not common knowledge whatsoever. he tries not to mention the college he attended by name at all, but if he has to then he lies and says that he went to salem state.

and yes, he has SO MUCH chaotic energy. he’s the kind of person who will stick a fork in his microwave just to see what would happen out of sheer boredom. he has two pet mexican redknee tarantulas named freddy and jason who he just…fucking loses track of every other day. his favorite drink is literally black coffee mixed together with a can of monster energy and 5 ( f i v e ) teaspoons of sugar. he is c h a o s. he has absolutely NO IMPULSE CONTROL whatsoever.

he has slight Daddy Issues™. slight. when he was born, his dad was hoping that he would get a star athlete kid who would go on to follow in his footsteps and one day become a successful, respectable lawyer but instead he got…elvie. he’s never outright said that he’s disappointed but he didn’t need to. elvie’s a really difficult person to rattle but every time, without fail, he ends a phone call with his dad and he’s in a bad mood for the rest of the day.

his car is this PIECE OF JUNK giant turquoise van that he painted to look like the mystery machine. her name is laurie strode.

even though he makes constant pop culture references about horror movies and the 80s, but outside of those areas he’s completely clueless about pop culture. like, he can recite the entire scripts of the shining and empire strikes back and ferris bueller’s day off word for word, but if someone tried to talk to him about the new beyonce song or the latest marvel movie he would just stare blankly.

he has a HUGE sweet tooth. his favorite food is halloween candy and his favorite candy is black licorice disgusting i know.

he takes adderall for his adhd and he’s usually good about keeping up with it. started keeping them on his person in college because he realized that his meds were getting stolen and it’s a habit he’s held onto that doesn’t really keep his shit from getting stolen.

he’s good at…A LOT of things because he’s a really fast learner. he can play the guitar, he can draw, he did drama in high school. he just has to watch someone do something once and then he can usually immediately do it himself. this skill doesn’t extend to physical activities such as sports, however. he’s terrible at those.

he’s basically a cartoon character

iv. wanted connections

best friend from salem who travels with him *will probably submit as a wc

friends

cousin ( their grandparents would probably be from boston but otherwise anything really goes for this )

his weed dealer

smoking buddies

people who don’t like him / find him annoying

i know there are a lot of business owners so : people he worked for who have since fired him for being an all around awful employee.

has stolen his adderall

maybe someone who knows how smart he really is

romantic connections!

( these are just ideas and i’m trash at coming up with these, so please don’t feel limited by what’s listed here. )

[televinita]

Little Women (2019): Thoughts

REQUIRED READING: the prequel post about my background going in to this film.

SNAPSHOT VERSION: Though I have some casting qualms, and may adjust my opinions after I reread the book, mostly I think this is everything my heart has needed since the magic of the ‘94 movie was broken for me. My heart is very full.

FULL VERSION: Twice as long as the prequel post (a.k.a. 1800 words), starts below.

I did not expect LW to be the first Unexpected Comeback Fandom of 2020 (or a comeback fandom ever, really), but here I am, having spent every day since I saw this film mooning about this story and looking up different editions and supplemental books in the library catalog, so I'd better process how I feel about it while the memories are relatively fresh.

Most of my thoughts are on casting rather than specific scenes because like I said, I can’t remember the book super well, so I’d like to get my movie memories to fade so that the book can surprise me. Also because I think I will have a more in-depth post about them when I watch the film a 2nd time, whether that’s in theaters or on DVD. But here’s what I’ve got for now.

ON CASTING

In no particular order --

* Emma Watson is very pretty but it is so hard to take her seriously as an actress. She's just Emma Watson, Famous For Being In Harry Potter and Getting Hired For Other Big Name Projects. I feel like she's so consciously acting all the time. She made a not-terrible Meg, I guess? No worse than she made a Belle. But it was roughly as hilarious watching her try to be a mother now as it was watching her try to be a mother in the last Harry Potter movie. To the point that I just kept hearing the "Damn! I'm SO maternal!" song playing as her theme in the background at all times. * I realized 6 days prior to seeing the movie that Florence Pugh is recognizable because she's in Midsommar and honestly, that just ruined everything for me. I didn't even see that film, I just know it's gross and I would hate it and while she is not tainted forever like the 50 Shades actors, she is definitely too tainted for Little Women. Also I could not stop thinking about how I associate Amy with being very dainty and prim and Florence, while perfectly lovely, is not. * Laura Dern was kind of strangely modern and kooky for Marmee, but I love her as an actress and I loved that she was just like "HELLO STRANGE NEIGHBOR BOY, COME BE MY FIFTH CHILD." So I was OK with that. * ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH BOB ODENKIRK. What kind of anachronistic garbage. What crack were you on, because it was obviously not the good stuff. "Did I stumble into an SNL parody??" I wondered more than once. * Meryl Streep as Aunt March was AMAZING. Ten Oscars. * Beth consistently looked younger than Amy, so that was weird. She was okay but kind of childlike, and failed to make Beth my favorite like she is in the book. * JO! Saoirse Ronan is by far my favorite actress in this set, but I didn't think she was right for Jo going in. "Jo's not a redhead!" I said, indignantly stamping my foot, because my childhood-era love for this novel reigns defensively supreme like for no other classic besides Black Beauty. (another 1994 classic they should remake soon, even though I love that version. Just saying.)

But damned if she did not COMPLETELY embody every essence of Jo there is and make Jo my favorite character this time. Truly, nobody except Meryl Streep so thoroughly matched my expectations for their character. Ten Oscars, part II. Or at least the one she is actually nominated for. If Jo loses to ScarJo I will riot. * John was nice. I feel like he was exactly what he was supposed to be, which is to say kind of plain and milquetoast but perfect for Meg. I don't actually remember him existing in the novel, so that was an interesting game of "how important is this guy?" until suddenly Meg was getting married and I realized I did, in fact, have a very dim memory of a wedding from the book. I think I will like their romance more the second time around, though. * Mr. Laurence was VERY EXCELLENT. IDK why I know the actor, even after looking him up, but I liked him in this role a lot. His grandfatherly quasi-adoption of Beth was so sweet. * As for Professor Bhaer...UGH. I hated him on sight and my brain wouldn't even let me recognize who he was for like 3 scenes, I was just like, "who is this random boarding lodger and why are we focusing on that weirdo." I mean, he's objectively handsome? But he did not do it for me. He lacked the gravitas I expect from this character and his thick accent scraped my ears and drove me insane (update from the future: his accent is also driving me insane in the book, where I have peeked in at a few chapters as incentive to reread. whyyyyyyy). * LAURIE: maybe it's been too long since I read the book, but never could I ever have imagined I'd want to use the term "fuckboy" to describe Laurie. It wasn't even Ski Chalet's face so much as it was that in all present-day scenes (post-rejection), he is such an insufferable, melodramatic, pouting trash heap that I didn't want him to marry any of them at that point. (Also YOU STILL DIDN'T MAKE ME UNDERSTAND WHY HE GOES FOR AMY, so good job.**) However, I took especial delight in paying attention to all the cuddly platonic friend cuddling he heaped on Jo growing up, in focus or in the background, and I loved it...kind of a lot? The ship radar made noise. That noise is getting louder by the day, smoothing away his faults. He may have permanently taken up residence in my mind's eye as the new Laurie. ...this is the worst. Make it cease. (**update from the future, I am peeking at the book and it looks like it's a lot easier to understand both in text and when you're inside Laurie's head. He is still clearly sulking his way through Europe, but in a way it's easier to recover from. Also, I don’t have time to unpack this but as I finish the edits on this post I started 5 days ago, I’m starting to think I could not only ship Laurie/Amy, but believe in it from the start.) ACTUAL PLOT AND FILM QUALITY

+ The shifting between past and present was very jarring right off the bat, but after that I think it worked.

+ I loved the attic play rehearsals so much

+ I am so glad Jo’s shorn hair is both fleeting and as hideous as it should look, and not Pixie Cut Chic (Childhood Me wailed at that part reading the book)

+ I remember hardly anything about the book's Part II / Good Wives, so basically everything in their adult lives was news to me. Amy and Aunt March go to Europe? Jo goes to live by herself in New York? Meg marries a relative pauper? Any of this could be true to the book or just made up as an alternate idea to explore, and I would be none the wiser. That made it more fun. (NOBODY SPOIL ME ON WHAT'S TRUE)

+ It did not occur to me until just now that the part where Jo publishes her version of Little Women is not in the book (right?), but that was beautifully done.

+ The house interiors were breathtaking. It's not like I don't regularly watch period pieces, but this time there was just something about seeing an old house, like the ones I am often in for estate sales, decorated the way I always imagine seeing when I enter those homes, that kind of made me tear up. + The outside shots were pretty too + Jo made me cry with her I'm so LONELY! speech, rude. (I went into this movie thinking I was 100% on board to finally read Alcott’s sequels for their Jo/Professor content, and now I'm like 'ah damn it is gonna be the season for the Jo/Laurie AU novel, isn't it.')

+ A strike against Beth and/or the actress playing her: I did not cry about her death (in my defense I was busy crying about Jo's pain).

+ I did NOT remember precisely how Laurie & Amy got married, so even though I knew it happened eventually, I felt that sucker punch to the gut reveal just about as hard as Jo did. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOUR WIFE.

+ My mom said she’d heard this movie was lauded as being super feminist, which rarely goes well for me, but I thought it felt like really authentic "married women literally were not allowed to control their own income and it sucked" 19th century feminism, and not someone using their 21st century voice to claim this is how people would have REALLY talked if The Patriarchy Of Historical Record hadn't silenced/suppressed it. Nothing rankled me. I’m very confused by the people who think it says Jo is queer and/or didn’t end up with the Professor, but if that’s what you see then I guess it’s a win/win situation for all of us. + LOVED the closing montage. + Basically, at all times that I wasn't annoyed by the casting, I was feeling the same magic I did while reading the book and/or while watching the 1994 movie as a child. I can’t think of any parts I really hated.

IN CONCLUSION

Part of me is honestly kind of sad I didn't reread the book before watching this movie, because even though I usually prefer to go movie first and then get the Expanded Edition that is the book, in this case I wish I'd taken my last chance to properly visualize everything in my head on my own -- since I’ve mostly forgotten the ‘94 film -- before the new movie washed it away forever. This is one of the rare times I would have liked to hope and guess what would be shown vs. cut, and be able to anticipate the thrill of seeing the page come to life.

However, seeing it was the impetus I needed to finally take my childhood copy off the shelf (and thank heavens I have it, because the library request is backed up 3 or 4 deep for every copy), and it took all of 5 minutes to get instantly sucked into chapter 1 and feel such rapturous joy and familiarity that I consciously cut myself off and decided I am going to journal out my feelings after each chapter on this reread. So that’s something!

[minipliny]

“I enjoyed reading 1851 novel, Moby Dick, but I really wanted to know how much 1970s Americana and Mountain Goats lyrics could be free-associatedly linked to it at 3am”: the playlist for you. 

Tracklist under the cut:

1.Joni Mitchell - Urge For Going Now the warriors of winter they gave a cold triumphant shout And all that stays is dying and all that lives is getting out See the geese in chevron flight flapping and racing on before the snow They've got the urge for going and they've got the wings so they can go

2. Warren Zevon - Things To Do In Denver When You're Dead Not everybody has a place to go And home is just a place to hang your head And dream of things to do in Denver when you're dead You won't need a cab to find a priest Maybe you should find a place to stay Some place where they never change the sheets And you just roll around Denver all day

3. Nina Simone - Sinnerman So I run to the river It was bleedin', I run to the sea It was bleedin', all on that day So I run to the river It was boilin', I run to the sea It was boilin', all on that day So I run to the Lord Please hide me, Lord.... But the Lord said Go to the Devil 4. Gladys Knight - Help Me Make It Through the Night Come and lay down by my side Til the early mornin' light All I'm takin' is your time Help me make it through the night I don't care what's right or wrong I won't try to understand Let the devil take tomorrow But tonight I need a friend  5.Buffy Sainte-Marie - Easy Like The Snow Falls Down Come to me Easy like the snow falls down Come to me 6. Little Feat - Willin' And if you give me weed, whites and wine And you show me a sign I'll be willin', to be movin' Well I've been kicked by the wind, robbed by the sleet Had my head stoved in, but I'm still on my feet and I'm still, willin'  7.Aimee Mann - Going Through the Motions Something isn't right I don't know how I know But baby, it's despite Your dog-and-pony show I can hear it coming You're only going through the motions, baby   8.Baptized by fire- Spinnerette Have you ever been alone Fighting your own war? Someone stole the life from you And now they're back for more Your heart is on the floor Beating out of control Oh, I don't want this anymore So I'll be sailing on Out into Bermuda blue Compass needle breaks Like the heart I gave to you I've been laying down in the devil's lair Sailing into the sun, I'll be baptized there   9.Asobi Seksu-Sing Tomorrow's Praise You've left without making a sound Lay your heavy hammer down For an ocean's not a simple way out Trees bend down and sway These leaves were falling anyway There's no time to walk away from this day Glowing reasons fray Chase these things that end this way Whisper words of faith and set out of place  10. Love Love Love - The Mountain Goats Some things you'll do for money and some you'll do for fun But the things you do for love Are gonna to come back to you one by one Love, love is going to lead you by the hand Into a white and soundless place  11.Wall of Death - Richard and Linda Thompson You can waste your time on the other rides This is the nearest to being alive Oh let me take my chances on the Wall Of Death On the Wall Of Death all the world is far from me On the Wall Of Death it's the nearest to being free    12. Silver Jews - People   I love to see a rainbow from a garden hose Lit up like the blood of a centerfold I love the city and the city rain Suburban kids with biblical names 13.Funkadelic - Maggot Brain I have tasted the maggots in the mind of the universe I was not offended   14. Tori Amos - Talula Say goodbye to the old world Ran into the Henchman who severed Anne Boleyn He did it right quickly a merciful man She said one plus one is two But Henry said that it was three So it was Here I am  15. Leonard Cohen - The Great Event It`s going to happen very soon. The great event which will end the horror. Which will end the sorrow. Next Tuesday, when the sun goes down, I will play the Moonlight Sonata backwards. 16. Dar Williams - Blue Light of the Flame As the earth melts at the poles I race to man the controls And I work harder, fiercer and smarter You're at the blue light of the flame Out beyond rescue Somebody let you Look into the blue light of the flame  17. Tori Amos  - Iieee I know we're dying And there's no sign of a parachute We scream in cathedrals Why can't it be beautiful Why does there gotta be a sacrifice Just say yes You little arsonist You're so sure you can save Every hair on my chest  18. Steely Dan - Don't Take Me Alive I hear my inside The mechanized hum of another world Where no sun is shining No red light flashing Here in this darkness I know what I've done I know all at once who I am  19. Buffy Sainte Marie - House Carpenter "Now you forsake your house carpenter "And go along with me "I'll take you where the grass grows green "On the banks of the deep blue sea."   20. Richard & Linda Thompson - Shoot Out the Lights Keep the blind down on the window Ah, keep the pain on the inside Just watching the dark. Just watching the dark Ah he might laugh but you won't see him As he thunders through the night Shoot out the lights. Shoot out the lights   21. Laurie Anderson - Pieces And Parts Out on the ocean, out of the water We look for signs of him He looks like a giant snow hill, a fountain Then he disappears. He's a speck on the horizon We see him only in parts The flash of a tail, his beating heart. He's in pieces and parts.   22. Leonard Cohen - Story of Isaac Thought I saw an eagle But it might have been a vulture, I never could decide.   23. Lucinda Williams & Mary Chapin Carpenter -  Sweet Old World See what you lost when you left this world, this sweet old world The breath from your own lips, the touch of fingertips A sweet and tender kiss The sound of a midnight train, wearing someone's ring Someone calling your name Somebody so warm cradled in your arm Didn't you think you were worth anything   24. The Mountain Goats - Autoclave Hand me your hand, let me look in your eyes As my last chance to feel human begins to vaporize Maybe it’s the heat in here, maybe it’s the pressure You ought to head for the exits, the sooner the better I am this great, unstable mass of blood and foam And no one in her right mind would make my home her home My heart’s an autoclave My heart’s an autoclave   25. Sufjan Stevens- In the Devil's Territory We stayed a long, long time To see you To beat you To see you At last I saw the dragons drying I saw the witches whine We stayed a long, long time But I’m not afraid to die

[ugly-crying-over-bucky-barnes]

Be My Baby Part 15 *Epilogue

Summary: Charlotte goes by Charlie in the summer of 1963. Sebastian works at the resort her family is staying at. He teaches her how to dance.

Chapter Summary: Summer. 1969. 

Warnings: None 

Epilogue: At Last Save the Last Dance for Me

My lonely days are over and life is like a song

At last the skies above are blue

So darlin’ save the last dance for me.

           Summer 1969

           I wasn’t sure when I’d return to the Downey Resort, if ever. It certainly seemed to be an opportune time. I’d been in Nepal for a little over two years on my trip for the Peace Corps. Then I left again for Brazil, spending another two years. Now I was back in the states, ready to start a new chapter of my life.

           Problem was I wasn’t sure what that chapter would involve. I was fast approaching my twenty-fifth birthday and my mom was horrified that I was married and pregnant with my third child. I assured her there were more important things in life than settling down but that didn’t calm her.

           I hadn’t found anyone who made me feel the same way he did. For a year or two, I chalked it up the relationship to puppy love. That’s what my parents said. But over time I realized it was more. I had perhaps met my soulmate.

           We had kept in touch right up until I left for Nepal. I often missed him and kept a few Polaroid pictures of him with me as I traveled. But I was so busy there wasn’t a lot of time to brood on the relationship.

           Now it was August and I was back in the Catskills. I drove up with my parents who I was living with until I found my own apartment. We were meeting our sister who was already there vacationing with her husband, Chris, and two children.

           They didn’t waste time. Right before I left for Nepal, Chris asked Laurie to marry him and they had a whirlwind of a wedding. Laurie refused to wait because she wanted me there as her maid of honor and did not want to wait two years for me to get back.

           They had a honeymoon baby, John Christopher Evans or Jack, and then Sandra Mae Evans came along. Now Laurie was pregnant again, this time with twins and I was at least happy to be able to be there for the birth this time.

           Even with kid three and four on the way, Laurie and Chris were still just as in love with each other as the day they met. And I was so happy for her. But I wondered if that could’ve been Sebastian and me.

           “Grammy!” Two little toddlers rushed up to us. My mom gasped and knelt down to scoop up her grandchildren.

           “Hi, my little ones.” She kissed their cheeks. Laurie and Chris had moved to Boston about a year after they married. Chris landed a well-paying job and Laurie was the housewife she always wanted to be. Fortunately, she listened to my rants about women’s rights and agreed whole-heartedly. But she was happiest at home with her children, which was fine by me.

           I smiled at my niece and nephew. I wasn’t the best with kids. I’d done a lot of work with children in orphanages during my time away. But I wasn’t confident with my ability as a nurturer. Chris and Laurie made it look so easy but I was sure if I babysat Jack and Sandra I’d make a mistake.

           But I was warming up to them, especially since the two toddlers refused to leave me alone.

           Laurie squealed and ran to hug me tightly. “I’m so glad you decided to come!”

           “Well, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to walk down memory lane.” I forced a smile. In reality, the drive up the mountains had been tough. My mind couldn’t help but wander to the wild idea that Sebastian would be there. He wouldn’t be.

           Chris walked over and smiled. “It’s nice to see you, Charlie.”

           “You too. Excited for a fuller house?” I teased.

           “We’re ready. We just have to double everything and we should be all set.” Chris chuckled and wrapped an arm around Laurie.

           “Well, I’m happy for you both. I couldn’t imagine a more perfect family.”

           “You might be closer than you think, sis.” My sister replied cryptically.

           “What?”

           “Never mind.”

           I walked into the already crowded ballroom. Nothing had changed. I heard soft piano music and perked up. But when I looked over he wasn’t sitting at the bench. I sighed quietly and felt regret sinking in. I should’ve realized that I would be able to forget how much I missed Sebastian. There were reminders everywhere I turned.

           I bit my lip and turned to leave. I had lost my appetite and my nerve. I wanted to go back to 1963 when I knew where Sebastian was and where I could find him. He could’ve been anywhere in the world at that point. Just like every able-bodied American man, I was afraid he’d been drafted. But I didn’t even want to think about that possibility. The possibility that he could’ve died before I saw him again. My stomach churned and I desperately needed air.

           I walked back out into the night and stood near the croquet lawn, where we first formally met. The world had changed so much. John and Bobby had been assassinated, Dr. King was assassinated, Nixon was president, I wasn't sure when the Vietnam War would end, and man had landed on the moon. But you wouldn't know it standing on the quiet mountain. It was as if the resort was immune to the test of time. I desperately wanted to go back to 1963. Back then I knew where Sebastian was. I wanted to hear his voice again.

           “Still bad at croquet?”

           My heart jumped and I turned quickly. “Sebs…” I whispered.

           He smiled and opened his arms. I wasted no time running right into his arms. I hugged him tightly and closed my eyes.

           “Oh my God, I didn’t know you’d be here,” I said breathlessly.

           “I didn’t know you would either.” He chuckled and held me closer. “Fuck, I missed you.”

           “You have no idea how much I’ve missed you.”

           He pulled back to look at me. He pushed a curl behind my ear and touched my cheek. “I forgot how beautiful you were.” He murmured.

            My chest tightened and I was in such disbelief. “How…why...what are you doing?” I rambled.

           “Chris asked me to come back for tonight. I wasn’t sure why but I guess he and Laurie…”

           “Were scheming, yeah that sounds like them.” I sighed.

           “I didn’t know you were back. I heard you left again. I was looking forward to getting back in touch with you but Chris said you were already on a plane.”

           I bit my lip. “I’m sorry, I was worried you didn’t want to hear from me.”

           “Charlotte, I never got over you.” He admitted. “There wasn’t a day I went without thinking about you.”

           I felt tears in my eyes. “Me too…I just thought it was too naïve to think we could ever end up together.”

           “Well…I did my best. I’m playing professionally now. Mackie’s managing everything for me. He’s really the reason I’m staying afloat.” He revealed.

           My eyes widened. “Really? Sebastian, that’s incredible.”

           He smiled shyly. “It wasn’t easy but I’m finally living the life I wanted to give you.”

           “Me?” I looked confused.

           “All my life, I wanted to have money but I figured I would still be okay if I never ended up rich. As long as I was happy it would be fine. Then I met you and I wanted to give you everything you possibly could want. You deserve so much, Charlotte.”

           “Sebastian…I don’t know what to say.”  I was completely at a loss for words. Everything inside of me was leaping for joy. It was all so overwhelming to process at once.

           He smiled and leaned in to kiss me. I eagerly reciprocated and wrapped my arms around him. I couldn’t believe I had forgotten how perfect it was to kiss him. It was like looking up to the sun during a nice spring day. It was soft, warm, and brought me so much happiness. I couldn’t hold him close enough.  

           “Say you’ll marry me.” He whispered when we drew apart.

           My thoughts screeched to a halt. “What?”

           “I don’t have a ring…and I haven’t really asked for your parents’ blessing but I couldn’t wait to ask.”

           “I uh…I don’t know if I’d be a good wife.” I laughed weakly.

           “It’s just a term, I don’t want to limit you. I just want to know that I’ll see your smile every day and tell you I love you every night. And if you still want that too then I want to marry you.”

           I couldn’t believe he had remembered what I said all those years ago before we parted ways. “That’s all I ever wanted.” I felt tears sting my eyes. “Yes, yes I’ll marry you.” I hugged him tightly and he lifted me off my feet. “Oh my God, my mom and Laurie are going to be so happy.”

           He chuckled but it faded. “What about your dad?” He set me back on my feet.

           “I think he’s too tired to care anymore,” I admitted and bit my lip. “My cousin was killed in Khe Sanh last year. It broke my aunt and uncle and I guess my dad realized if he had a son the same thing could’ve happened to him.” I explained. When I returned home, he told me the news in the airport. He held me close and wouldn’t let me go. I had never seen my father cry before. He apologized for pulling me away from Sebastian.

           “I’m so sorry…”

           I nodded and took his hands in mine. “I guess I should be glad you didn’t get drafted. Chris too.”

           “They almost did. But I told them I was an immigrant. Finally a legal citizen now.” He smiled slightly. "So I guess that's something else we can be happy about."

           I smiled and hugged him again. “I love you,” I whispered.

           “I love you too.” He kissed the top of my head. “So…big wedding? Small wedding?”

           “Small.”

           “Honeymoon?”

           “Wherever is fine.”

           “Kids? No kids? Some kids? Lotsa kids?”

           “Maybe one or two. I don’t think I could handle the number of kids Laurie and Chris are planning for.”

           “They’re not stopping after the twins?” Sebastian asked with slight horror in his voice.

           “I doubt it. Laurie wants a litter and a half.”

           He chuckled and sighed. “I’d be content with one or two.”

           “Mhm…” I rested my head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat. It was like I was restarting our time together. “I don’t want to leave you again.”

           “Then don’t.”

           “I won’t. I couldn’t bear it.” I smiled up at him. “Think we could still do that lift?”

           “Uh…maybe? I’m not sure.”

           I reached down to take off my heels. “Let’s do it.”

           “It would be easier to start in the lake again.” He reminded me but proceeded to take off his sport coat.

           “Ready?” I asked and hiked up the skirt of my dress a little to get a good running start.

           “Go for it.”

           I hoped for the best and jumped into his arms. He held me over his head for about a second before I lurched backward and screeched. Sebastian did his best to catch me as we tumbled into the grass. It wasn’t a bad fall so we both erupted into laughter.

           “Okay, so that’s a no.”

           “I guess we’re just too old now. Unless we practiced some more.”

           “Oh well.” I grabbed his hand as he helped me stand up. "I still think we can dance together though." I reminded him.

          "You have no idea how long I've waited to dance with you."

          "Well, I haven't danced with anyone else," I said as he pulled me close. We swayed softly to the faint music from inside the ballroom. I couldn't have been happier than I was in that moment.

           “Tell me about your trip,” Sebastian spoke up. “I want to hear all about it.”

           “Well, I started in Nepal and then Brazil. It was amazing…I learned so much. You should’ve met one of the translators he was so funny. He didn’t get a lot of my jokes or sayings. There was this girl from California there too she told the best stories about the actors she had run into…”

I could've talked to him for hours under those stars. We had all the time left in the world to talk though. We could talk at our wedding, we could talk on our honeymoon, we could talk through my pregnancy, we could talk to our son, we could talk during our anniversaries. But talk was cheap. I just wanted to dance with him. That's all I ever wanted.

//Thank you to everyone who read! Check out my other RPFs and one-shots on my page!

Masterpost

[ninjagoat]

Notes on Supergirl 3x14

[SPOILERS AHEAD]

I've been annoyed with the show for a while now. Season three came out of the gate with four solid eps, and then draaaagged for another seven; before finally putting things back in order: slamming a season's worth of Lena's 'development' into reverse so she can actually have her own worldview and agenda once again; giving the Legion a hidden agenda so they actually have some narrative juice; giving Alex and Kara a genuine ideological conflict for the first time since... I can't remember, and actually having a plan for the World-killers because of it; and, important to me especially, the re-emergence of Winn as a recognised problem-solver.

Which brings us to 3x14, a MASSIVE episode for Winn, and, in terms of scale, a massive episode in general: the two major action sequences are of a kind you'd expect from a season finale; they've landed a *recent* Academy Award Nominee for a guest star; there's a frank discussion of later-life mental illness, and an insight into J'onn's specific attitude toward his adopted race; and a hilarious sequence of our heroes just... hanging out.

In short, in just a few episodes (which, by sheer coincidence, would all have finished being scripted *after* AK was suspended and fired for being a mediocre sex-pest)... they fixed the show.

THEY FIXED THE DAMN SHOW.

Notes below the cut (it’s a long post this week):

- "People being addressed as soldiers going into battle before actually just trying something fun and silly" is one of my favourite tropes, and that look Winn and Kara exchange is one of the best indicators of their long-standing friendship we've seen in a long time (Winn is, of course, Kara's best friend. You many have heard her give statements to the contrary. THESE ARE LIES).

- The choice to have the characters, all played by actors who can sing, do 'karaoke voice' instead of their actual voices is a good one. Having Kara do Beastie Boys side-steps the whole 'we've heard her sing' problem; J'onn and Mr. J are both wonderfully appalling; and Alex letting the lyrics of her ballad run on as she stops to drink is, as the kids say, a Mood (I'll come back to Mon-El and Winn at the end).

- THERE ARE *STILL* NO ALIENS AT THE ALIEN BAR. WHAT HAPPENED TO KEVIN? OR BRIAN?

- James's constant need for validation crashing against Lena's particular brand of emotional - and literal - unavailability is a good choice; we've not really seen James's interest in Lena manifest outside of her needs until now, and it's the first time he's had a relatable problem since 1x06. And pairing him up with Mon-El for this scene - who's having his own issues right now - is nice.

- Speaking of which, Imra's telepathy: is this the show telling us she definitely *doesn't* have mind-control powers, or that Mon-El - currently not the most reliable expert on the Legion - doesn't *know* she has mind-control powers?

- "FELLOW DRUNKS!"

- I'll admit, James was my least favourite option for who could be Winn's emotional support in this episode, given his long history of being really quite bad at it; but in this first scene, he's actually pretty good, providing Winn with the avenues he needs to avoid the old-school masculinity coping methods he's trying to use instead.

- Winn making ABSOLUTELY SURE that his Winslow's dead, even before they tried to put him in the ground, is on point.

- Mary. MARY. The writers knew they had Tony-award-winning Steppenwolf alum Laurie Metcalf on board, and it SHOWS. She's nervous and tentative, but she's also forthright; she takes over the space when she feels she ought to (a lot of her funnier asides could have been put in Cat Grant's mouth with no problem), and physically, tangibly awkward when she doesn't; and Metcalf runs through the gear changes as only a pro of her stature can. In her first scene, she's anxious, yes, and she's having difficulty separating Winn from the little boy she left behind; but it's also clear that THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF HER LIFE, even if it isn't her son's. Mary is a catalyst for Winn's pain, but has a whole existence outside of it. That's good writing, that is.

- Speaking of Winn's pain... DEAR. LORD. That story goes toe-to-toe with any crappy parent story you've ever heard (and blows all of Lena's solipsistic crap out of the water); and Jeremy Jordan, having done so much with so little every week, completely sells that this is a story he's been waiting two decades to tell, and how being left alone with no-one to be *except* his father's son absolutely broke him.

- The Flying Monkeys sequence is the best action scene this show's ever done. Better than Reign. Better than Crossfire. And again, Mary and Winn: every time they're not focused on the time they've spent apart, it's almost like they were never apart at all.

- Winn calling out James for suggesting he forgive Mary is absolutely on point; and James admitting that he was a selfish, sulky little brat after his Dad died as an argument of how it could have been just as bad if she'd stayed is interesting (James is making it up to her now, though, by... never going home for a single holiday. Ever. Still, baby steps). His argument will also end up applying, subtextually, to his relationship with Lena; stop being ungrateful for the time she's not there for you, and just be happy for the time that she is. It's what she needs you to do. She's got her own stuff going on.

- "He doesn't always get the credit, but he keeps us going around here." Kara's gentle tribute to her friend (her BEST friend) and the adaptive, outside-the-box thinking that's been keeping everyone alive for years is wonderful; not just for what she says, but for how comfortable a rapport she has with Mary, while never forgetting that being told how great her son is by *Supergirl* is as good, if not better, than hearing it from the President herself (and if Mary needs that... it could be arranged).

- On a downer note, anytime a show starts talking about a side character as the "heart of the team" or somesuch... it's usually not a good sign for that character.

- I'm not ready to go into Mr. J's illness yet. I have a personal relationship to stories like this, and I can't write about it in this format. But Carl Lumbly is still ABSOLUTELY the best.

- And I'm not the person to get into J'onn's opinion on his own blackness; except to say, in a week when David Harewood met with British MPs to discuss the 'accidental' deportations of the Windrush migrants, this is a BIG DEAL.

- Since I'm doing asides into side plots: Mon-El and Kara. His apology - agenda-free this time - is honest and heart-felt, and his full disclosure about *why* he's apologising now raises interesting questions: at what point is this honesty defined as over-sharing? Where is the line drawn between being 'open about your feelings' and 'demanding emotional labour from others'? Kara has a firm boundary - they are *not* going to talk about his marriage - and he respects that. But should he have told her about it in the first place, even if it does lead in to the new information about the World-killers? I've said before: Supergirl is the only show with a significant male audience that, whether you believe it should or not, actually tackles questions of what healthy masculinity *should* be (albeit with varying degrees of success), and it's good that they're keeping it up.

- Mary's story is not only an important reminder that the men who commit mass-murder often begin by terrorising the women in their own homes; but also, in the context of Childish Things, addresses Winn's misunderstanding of his own fears. Winn has always believed that his father was a good person, until one day, when he just wasn't; and Winn believed that any time he didn't keep a lid on his own anger, any time that he might use that part of himself to stand up and say 'no' against those that would hurt him, the same would happen to him. But Winslow Sr. wasn't a good person. It took a long time for his anger to consume him, a long time for his battles against perceived slights to affect anyone except Mary. Winn has little to worry about.

- And her decision to take the gun and take on Toywoman(?) alone is immediate, consistent, and believable. She's been without her son for twenty years to protect his life. He will NOT be taken from her now.

- Delightful stunt-casting for Toywoman, by the way (If you haven't watched The Silence Of The Lambs recently... go do that).

- The second action sequence: not as good as the flying monkeys, but still has some banging moments, as the 'heroes' drop out to handle various contraptions to leave Winn to rescue Mary.

- Speaking of contraptions: "Cloth Magic." Comics Mon-El fans, that's got to feel good.

- How many times did Mary have to sit through New Hope when Winn was a kid? I'm guessing 'more than ten'.

- Winn being offended at the idea that he's going to be killed with something as pedestrian as a *firearm* is the absolute business, and annoying because it's a beat I'd already gotten it noted down for my own fic series.

- "You haven't just survived, you have EXCELLED."

- Mon-El *butchering* a song now synonymous with a TV show that *LIVES* in the kind of masculinity he's been used to deconstruct (again, with varying degrees of success) is a solid piece of work. As is his apology.

- Okay, this episode isn't exactly what we all wanted for Winn. No-one has hugged him. No-one has told him they love him. Kara has not re-iterated that he is, in fact, her best friend (because he is). He's not designing the Valor suit. We didn't get to hear him sing. And his twenty-year-long trauma of being alone in the world is resolved a lot more speedily that it really ought to be. But that doesn't matter. Those are indulgences, and that's pretty much what fan-fiction and the Miscast performance videos are for.

    What this episode *does* do is reiterate the show's mission statement once again: We, as a people, are at our best when we depend on each other. Forgiving when we can. Understanding when we can't. And more than anything else, simply being there for each other. Whether it's supporting each other through a personal crisis, or through the decline of a loved one; teaching each other new skills, or helping to mend a beloved outfit; or even, sometimes, just having the courage or shamelessness to perform karaoke with your mum; the same truth remains:

    WE ARE STRONGER TOGETHER.

- Which is why it's perfect that the show end on Lena. Alone. Keeping the truth from the people she's closest to. She hasn't told James. She won't tell Kara. She's just there, trapped inside the box in which she's imprisoned her oldest friend, with no-one else there to help or to guide her. For all her claims that Kara Danvers is her hero... ultimately, the only person she will ever truly depend on is herself.

   And it's all going to go horribly, horribly wrong.

-LyraWatch: I'm bringing it to a close. It's now been eighteen episodes, and nary a mention of if they're still together or where she's gone. It's so very unlikely that she'll be brought up again.

-LenaWatch: 14 episodes (record high: 16). Most likely at this point, Winn and Lena will have a scene at some point after it's been revealed she's been working on Sam (and has probably made things worse); and Winn will, for the third time, have to help bail her out of the war-zone-like situation she'll have created through her own hubris.

[werealljustwinginit]

The 20s and the 30s

For the “These are actually nice, you fucking nerd” ask:

20. what is your favourite song at the moment? Oh lord, I have a great deal of fave songs…I’ve never been able to pick when it comes to music. I guess some recent jams I find to be total bops are One Foot by Walk the Moon, American Girl by Tom Petty, and the entirety of The Greatest Showman Soundtrack.

21. age and birthday?This is a creepy ask to publish online…so I’ll give you I’m 23!

22. description of crush.Fictional characters and heroes.

23. fear(s)Spiders…that’s all I can think of? There has to be something else…but I can’t think of a single thing besides spiders.

24. heightTall my dude.

25. role modelHmm, my Dad, my two professors, and my favorite fictional characters.

26. idol(s)Tony Stark? Idk, I’m such a nerd…any celebs in shows and movies that I blog about on here. Beyonce, RDJ, Hugh Jackman, Zac Efron, Daisy Riddley, Zendaya, Obama, Julie Andrews, Tom Hanks…the list goes on.

27. things i hateSpiders, bad drivers, people, eating things from the ocean, waking up early in the morning or by alarm, cats, allergies, Donald Trump and most of the republican party…the list goes on. Why was this the easiest thing to answer so far.

28. i’ll love you if…You’re kind, you’re passionate about what you do, you are good with kids, you love shoes, are athletic, are tall, or are a nerd. Lol. You at least need to be prepared to listen to me talk about film and television.

29. favourite film(s)I LOVE THESE TYPES OF QUESTIONS. LET”S DISCUSS FILM. (Sort of in order:)Forrest Gump, La La Land, Les Miserables, The Lion King, Hook, HP, Marvel, and Walter Mitty.

30. favourite tv show(s)(In no particular order:) The Nanny, Parks & Rec, Boy Meets World, Steven Universe, The Office, Black Mirror, Bob’s Burgers, and Classic Spongebob.

31. 3 random factsI’m deaf, I can snowboard, anddddd did you know you breath mainly  through one nostril at a time? You can breath out of both but there is a stronger air flow to one nostril at a time; it changes every half hour or so. This is why when you are sick sometimes your nose just clears and you’re like “WHAT IS AIR???” …because it’s changing nostrils. I’m currently on my right nostril.

32. are your friends mainly girls or guys?Girls

33. something you want to learnIt’s on my bucket list to learn ASL and calligraphy. 

34. most embarrassing momentOf life? Recently? I’m gunna just share the most recent embarrassment of mine…Back in March I had shoulder surgery and was in a sling, unable to move my arm for 8 weeks. (and even after that but at least the sling was gone). A few days after my surgery, my parents had gone out to this local bar and tavern and invited me out for the first time since my surgery. They called and asked me to meet them there and while I didn’t feel well enough to stay and hang, they were gunna buy me some food to bring home and eat later. But mind you I only have the use of my left arm and this was all new to me…so I couldn’t shower yet, couldn’t brush my hair or put it up and out of my face on my own, couldn’t really dress myself yet, def couldn’t put a bra on, couldn’t tie shoes, etc. It was a mess. 

But I end up getting myself there in the rain. So I 134% look like a huge mess–not even a hot mess. Just literally looking like garbage, and I’m still in my sling, and it’s raining. But I at least wanted my mom to put my hair up for me to look somewhat decent in public and in a place where I know a ton of regulars. So I’m outside in the rain, calling my mom’s phone asking her to meet me by the back door to put my hair up, but to be discrete about it. She drunkenly interprets that as “go and bang on the bathroom door in the pool room as loudly as possible and start screaming for me to open the door (because I’m deaf so I might not hear the knock).” So the back door is cracked and I can see her doing this in front of all of these VERY handsome, fit, young men playing pool. The bathroom door is locked because some poor soul is in there, and I am trying to whisper through the crack in the door for her to get her stupid ass outside. Literally like a minute and a half goes by of this fucking scene and she finally notices me. But again, fuck everything, she just opens the back door wide, exposing me to all of these beautiful men, while the lady who was in the bathroom starts yelling at us. And then she says she isn’t going outside because it’s raining so she pulls my garbage looking ass into the pool room. Now all of these hot guys are staring at me, wondering why any of this is happening, and my mother then proceeds to start bushing my hair and putting it up for me in front of all of them. As if I was five. These men literally are just staring and trying not to laugh. And then I notice I know one of the guys and they are all his friends hanging out…so once she is done I (mortified) try and flee the room immediately, but she then calls out and says I need to turn around and come say hello to Brad (the guy I know). So not only was I horrified, but she made me walk back into hell to say hello to this handsome lad and his friends.UGHHHH. SO EMBARRASSING.

35. favourite subjectEnglish! Art History!

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?Get married, have kids, and meet a really cool celebrity. 

37. favourite actor/actressTom Hanks, RDJ, Julie Andrews, Hugh Laurie, Hugh Jackman

38. favourite comedian(s)Amy Poehler, Christine Sydelko, Jimmy Fallon, idk.

39. favourite sport(s)Track and Field, Snowboarding, Soccer.

THANK YOU FOR ASKING!

[cnox]

Rowen for Distant Mirror Zine #1.* ROWEN is a project between Cristahel and Cantrith Knox. They play a subgenre of the dark ambient / dungeon synth movement they call Mythical Electronic. They have years of experience and also operate Hollow Myths in New England. I thank them for their contribution to the first issue of Distant Mirror. First, Rowen is a collaborative effort between Canrith and Cristahel Knox - do you have specialties which you like to focus on when creating (someone runs the drums and arrangement, someone finds the melodies)?

Eve, Thanx for the interview. We both play synths, drum machines and write together.  As of now, when playing live, Criss handles the synths, vocal whisperings and I play the electronic drums. Along with our visuals, fog and lighting. We are introducing more vocals on some new songs. In the studio, we also add our field recordings and percussion as part of composing. We sit and mix each song side by side.    

Tell us about your musical histories before forming Rowen, because its somewhat obvious you both have experience which maybe led to the result of what Rowen is on "Ashen Spirit"!

Both of us have electronic music in our past. Cristahel with Minimal Synth and I with Darkbeat. One of the first ideas we had for Rowen was to start all over. As part of the experiment, finding ourselves and each other through making music anew. See and hear our music become it's own entity. We started developing the concept in '14, in '16 we began recording and had our first release in '18. We set out with a clear vision of what we want to do with Rowen.

Also tell us how you discovered music and what your first true love in music was... How did you come to find music that would lead you to this underworld of music culture?

Canrith: I discovered music on a radio at age 3. First, second and third grade, I would stay up nights crashing on Ritalin (due to being diagnosed as Hyperactive) watching the first ever music videos on a UHF channel in Colorado called FMTV which predated MTV by a year or two. Laurie Anderson - O Superman, Kraftwerk, Barnes & Barnes - Fish Heads videos all had a great impact on me as a kid. During that time, late 70's - early 80's, I was hooked on the music and image of both Kiss and Devo. One of the first albums I owned was AC/DC - Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap on cassette that I purchased at K-Mart. Summer '81 NYC, I saw the first video air on MTV. Later, watching another UHF channel out of Boston called V66. Heavy Metal led me to the Black Metal and the dark electronic music underground. Dark Ambient and Dark Dungeon Music have always been a particular interest of mine. Mail order distro tapes and free box extras in orders started my collection as far back as the mid 90's. In the late 90's, I got really into BM, then obsessed in '03 onward, as many UGBM labels and distros were rising on the web. We are also into Minimal, Martial, Electro, Techno, New Beat, Cosmic, Italo, 8-bit, Video Game, Soundtrack, Old School Dungeon Synth, Winter Synth and so on...

Cristahel: My first exposure to music as a child was through my grandfather, who began teaching me to play classical piano by ear at the age of four. We would sit for countless hours at his black upright Steinway as he would play Chopin, Bach, Rachmaninoff, Tchaikovsky etc. a few measures at a time for me to memorize and string together until I had the whole piece memorized. His love and enthusiasm for music, and the time he took to develop that in me, is something I will always be grateful for. Also my cousin Sue was a few years older than me and was like some kind of magical mixtape faerie, forever bestowing masterfully crafted gems upon me filled with things like Lush, Kate Bush, Cocteau Twins, and Mazzy Star that served to mold/blow my little mind.  

By my late teens it was the late 90's/early 2000's and I was immersed in a maelstrom of kraut/prog, electro, early new wave and electronic/industrial, shoe gaze. I was fortunate at the time to have a lot of friends with varied tastes and massive record collections they wanted to share with me, because back then there was like, only Napster to try and download music off this nebulous internet thing they had just invented.  

I spent a lot of time not doing my homework and dancing around my room on speed and/or klonopins listening to things like Tangerine Dream, Cluster, Miss Kittin & The Hacker, Dopplereffekt, Chris and Cosey, SPK, early Human League, Slowdive, Clan of Xymox... all of which in their own ways began to inform the atmosphere of the music I create now, warped and haunted meandering electronic melodies, analog synths, string machines and rhythm boxes, pounding 303s and 808s, tape echoes, analog delays, layered sounds lost in chasms of reverb...

I moved to NY and started making music, playing shows and djing a bit (mostly playing gabber techno synth new age sets at London squat parties to kids who wanted to hear nu rave), getting into minimal synth, and beginning my love affair with collecting and recording with analog equipment.

Of course now anything you want is available immediately online, compared to how the 80’s and 90’s crowd discovered music. I’ve asked the other artists a similar question - how do you feel about the loss of mystery these days and what will happen in the future to return to that?

I feel the ability for creating mystique is greater now thanx to the internet. Almost anyone can record some music, upload it to bandcamp, make artwork, physical releases, open an online shop, start a label, etc..   If one is good at what they do, be it a hidden persona or being a face, presenting a strong sound, image and aesthetic, either way, when done right, it works. In some ways even mystery can be a gimmick.

You both are lucky to have grown up in the best time period for music. But what about movies and books people should check out?  

I collect children's books, read a mess of olde and new Black Metal zines, Books about Black and Death Metal. Sexy comics about Vampiress and Faeries. Presently reading The Devil's Cradle, a hard back about The Story of Finnish Black Metal. It was a gift from Criss. Everyone should read Lords of Chaos '98 (then '03) and Lucifer Rising '99. I still need a copy of that leather bound Mortiis - Secrets Of My Kingdom book '01.

As for films, we watch obscure horror, foreign horror and documentaries.  

Here are some if you have not already read or watched them; 

Read: Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs ('78) James and the Giant Peach ('61) Masquerade ('79) The World of the Dark Crystal ('82) The Book of Alien ('79) Moebius - The Collected Fantasies of Jean Giraud Series ('87 - '94) Flowers in the Attic - Dollanganger Series ('79 -'86) Wir Kinder vom Bahnhof Zoo ('78) William Klein: Films, 1958-99 ('99) Wreckers of Civilisation: The Story of Coum Transmissions & Throbbing Gristle ('99)

Watch: Christiane F. ('81) Out of The Blue ('80) Deadbeat at Dawn ('88) Combat Shock ('86) Street Trash ('87) Brain Damage ('88) Zardoz ('74) Excalibur ('81) Emerald Forest ('85) Wicker Man ('73)

If atmosphere seems to be a heavy orientation for your creative drive, is your local landscape an important part of this? or is it personal experiences driving the music towards such a dark and melancholy place? something about Rowen is both light and dark.

We live on a island North East New England and seldom see others. Most of our time is spent outside, alone with the wind, the trees, on the marsh, in the mist and rain, sea side mornings, hawks at dusk and in the woods every evening. Pretty, evil and sad is what we do. We are hoping folks will also consider us in the Nature Synth category.  

New England must be a very interesting place to live... what is your favorite time of year there, and what is your favorite part of the landscape there?

We love the woods, day hikes, mountain tops, swimming holes, water falls, gorges and quarries. Small towns, old houses, fields, orchards, pumpkin patches, bonfires. Train tracks, trestles, towers, castles, monuments and graveyards. I was born in October so naturally I love the fall. Hallow's Eve and all into November.  Leaves turn, death comes and things change. There is nothing like a cold moonlit night in the snow. I appreciate being where we can really experience all four seasons.

Also You are so fortunate to live on an island.. That’s amazing. It’s cliche to talk about misanthropy with dark music but is this the reason for being secluded? What do you feel is the best thing for people could do with themselves in (what is in my eyes the end of the world?)

We made the decision to come here for a time of research, get to know each other, talk about our dreams, foster our ideas. Focus on only that of which we love and gives us purpose. Live away from it all.  If everyone did what was the most important to them, a different world this might be.  

Rowen is listed among other trees in occult literature as a tree of magical powers... Is this the reason for using the name? Is there personal beliefs at play in Rowen?

As a band we have our own ideologies, as musicians, our own theories, as artists, our own creative processes and as members, a belief system. These are shared between us and are expressed through the music, words and imagery of Rowen.

The Greeks, Norse, Celts and Druids all told mythology of the properties and significance of this mystical tree. The Greek Goddess of youth who lost her magical chalice to the demons. An eagle was sent to retrieve it. From battle, it's blood splatter on the earth grew Rowan trees. It's leaves as feathers, it's berries, the blood. The Norse myth speaks of the tree from which woman was made. And man, from a mountain ash. Saved Thor in the underworld. Runes are burned on Rowan wood. In the British Isles they tell of the folkloric tree which protects against witchcraft. The red berries of fall make up the 5 points of the Pentagram. Goes also as the Goddess or Faerie tree. The Druids used the bark and berries to dye the garments worn during lunar ceremonies black. Rowan twigs were used for divining, particularly for metals.

I had no idea the importance of Rowen to ancient people. Yes, it is true that Norse belief teaches humans were originally trees before given life and awareness by Odin, Vili and Ve. Is there any interest for you both to express your philosophy on things in the music or is this an affair of escapism and pure magic.

"The Past is not Dead, it lives on in a Woeful Drift." We are connected to our roots, our family trees, where we came from, our heritage and lands. We could only hope that our music would offer an escape. Magic is the only way.

If you could live in any time period, what time period would you live in and what would you be doing?

Canrith: I feel lucky to have been a child of the 70's and we grew up in the 80's, 90's & 00's. We were there, I wouldn't change it. I would love to live in some medieval castle in the mountains, riding a black Clydesdale, wielding a mace, reeking havoc across the land.  

Cristahel: Same as Canrith but on a white Clydesdale with a halberd.

What's the most important part of the creative process for Rowen - is there a certain revelry for using old mysterious pieces of synthesizers or do you enjoy the vast possibilities of computers? There's always the game of analog vs computer in the electronic scenes, what is your thoughts on this?

For us, again, the most important part of the process is the experiment. We use all analog synthesizers, drum machines and record live. Roland, Korg, Yamaha. Same goes for our stage show. We have used and are not opposed to using digital synths on recordings and live. Casio & Yamaha synths, Simmons drums. For instance, "In Another Dream, You Were Mine" from "Ashen Spirit" was made almost entirely on a Casiotone. We record and mix on a desk top home computer.  

What are you both really enjoying listening to at the moment?

Listening to cult 80's video Game music on YouTube while answering these questions.

do you have any thoughts on where this rising momentum will lead as far as the dungeon synth genre is headed, and do you feel proud of your place in that? am i wrong in assuming you both also run Hollow Myths?  

We are proud of our place in DS. Though we set out to make our own mythical electronic music. And think the genre is progressing as it should. We have been very active in the scene going on six years now this November. As supporters, label, distro and band. We are most appreciative of the support we have received. And from the Black Metal Underground. Our first demo was released on pro-tape by Personnel Records, a sub-label of Seedstock Records ran by Marco Del Rio of Raspberry Bulbs aka He Who Crushes Teeth of Bone Awl. We are finishing our second release that will be out on CD & Cassette this time.  

Hollow Myths, the label and distro, is the work of us two. Releases, artwork, layouts, Photography, bios, press, promo, videos, zine, jewelry, leather work, patches, we also offer clothes that we call Cryptic Raiment for After Dark. Official Dungeon Synth, Dark Ambient, Black Metal, Hollow Myths* Shirts, Long Sleeves, Hoods, Record Bags, Altar Cloths...

Correct me if I’m wrong, but Hollow Myths has had to dig deep into the underground and re-release old gems, which is like reissuing from the archives.. many people don’t really appreciate that, can you tell us about what that’s been like and if anything else like that will ever happen?  

Hollow Myths* have re-released limited special versions of cult classics in a row of how I first discovered them back when. Being also from Dallas, TX, Equitant - The Great Lands Of Minas Ithil (City Of Isildur) '94 was one the first tapes I owned of the genre (and our first release from H/M* on cassette) after I found a copy of the Mournlord - Reconquering Our Kingdom Demo from '95 (SE) for a $1 in a bargain bin. These strange and very limited cassette releases helped crystallize what Dark Dungeon Music was to me. Like hearing the Caduceus - Middle Ages Demo '95 (LT) for the first time or later with the Corvus Neblus - Chapter I & II - Strahd's Possession tapes from '99 / '01 (LV). Our second re-released offering was Equimanthorn - Entrance To The Ancient Flame on cassette, another Texas born Ritual Black Ambient project with both Equitant and Proscriptor of the Mythological Occult Metal band Absu as members. After which, we made a chain of very special limited re-releases from; Gothmog, Depressive Silence, Solanum, Lunar Womb, Cain, two from Aperion, Arthur as well as Xerión with more to come. At the same time, we have introduced many new Dungeon Synth artists, some with their follow ups; Isåedor, Wyver and Wizzard to name but a few. We began in '16 and have 43 releases to date. Some mentioned above will see second pressings in the near future.

What has been your favorite release to work on this past year and what sort of artists does Hollow Myths look for?

We focus on outsider music and art and put our blood, sweat and tears into every release. Since we are primarily a physical label and distro (Tapes, CD's, Vinyl, Merch, etc.), it has been interesting to curate and mix the last three Shadowlore Compilations.

Each run over 2 hours long and feature new and exclusive songs by legions of Dungeon Synth artists from around the world. Being Digital, we offer it for Free or name your price for those who want to add it to their collections. Corresponding J-card "tape trade" layout print outs are included in the download, so one can make their own 2x cassette version. To be shared with friends, to inspire tape trading, for more reach and exposure for the artists' projects. Shadowlore Four will be released this Summer Solstice.  

Other releases from last year we are very proud of: Apeiron - Stardust / A Separate Reality. Cosmic / Dark Ambient / Black Metal from Austria. '95 & '97 and featuring a never before heard hidden track from '96 titled "Dimensional Chanting" exclusive only to this release. Xerión - O Espírito Da Fraga / O Trono de Breogán. Black Metal / Dark Ambient from Spain. The first two demos from '01 & '02 with 3 new songs recorded exclusively for this release including a Windir cover.  Galician Mythology and Folklore. Wyver -  Tragedies of Lost Village (Demo II). Dungeon Synth / Fantasy Music follow up. (PDX) Hypogeum - S/T. Introducing outsider, Raw Black Metal from the woods of Oregon. Wizzard - The Cauldron Descent. Cryptic Dungeon Synth follow up from Sweden. Morihaus - The Empty Marches. Eccentric Dark Ambient / Dungeon Synth debut from Kentucky.  

Tell us about Rowen’s plans to start touring.

We just played our first show at the Northeast Dungeon Siege MMXIX festival. Now we are working on piecing together a tour that will begin this summer in the north east coast with the plan to then head down, across the south to California, up the west coast, pacific northwest and back across the north and through the mid-west to return late fall. We recently put the word out that we are up to perform anywhere, anytime and received an overwhelming response. If we can get on tour, stay on tour, get back to Europa without haste, we would be more than pleased.

The first two shows will be outdoor camping events. Mythical Electronic, Dungeon Synth, Black Metal, Acoustic Black Metal, Death Metal, Doom, Crust, Folk, Country, . . . Both are on private land, in the forest and BYOB. Bring a tent, water, food and supplies. Crossbows and throwing knives.

Rowen   Seasons of the Savage at The Sonorous Glade June 22nd Topsham, VT w/ Haxen, Sombre Arcane, Fed Ash, Gorcrow, Melkor, Black Axe, Void Bringer, Acid Roach and Wild Leek River  

Rowen   Woods of Gallows II August 17th  West Chazy, NY w/ T.O.M.B., Worthless, Sombre Arcane, Ordeals, Malacath, Lightcrusher, Hræsvelgr, Graveren and Callous

[thotyssey]

On Point With: Blake McIver

Beginning his career as a child star with memorable roles in “Full House” and “The Little Rascals” reboot, this actor / writer / producer / director / singer / songwriter / ex-gogo boy has definitely sashayed his way into our hearts and minds. New Yorkers can enjoy a pair of performances from him this week at the Laurie Beechman Theatre: first covering a legend’s songbook in a solo show, then as a supporting player of a drag queen’s showcase that he’s directed. It’s the charming and talented Blake McIver Ewing!

Thotyssey: Hi Blake, thanks for talking to us! So, are you mad busy now with rehearsals and finishing touches on your two shows (Blake Sings Barbra and I Dream of Jackie), or are you comfortable with what you have down now for both of them?

Blake McIver: Well, I am admittedly a rehearsal addict, but I had to come back to LA for another show. So, we'll do a couple quick clean-ups before next weekend!

You've certainly been performing for nearly all of your life... have producing, writing and directing always been part of the equation as well? I've actually been directing for over a decade! I started a theatre company in Southern California at 19, and cut my teeth as a producing major during my time at UCLA. Writing came shortly thereafter, first with songwriting, and then it expanded from there! So are you pretty much open to a variety of projects, or do you have a pretty specific wheelhouse? I like wearing many different hats. It keeps my passion alive, and keeps me learning and constantly refining my skill set.

Are you still basically based out of California? I am still based out of LA. As much as I love my time in NYC, the West Coast is always home. I was born and raised in the heart of LA, which is very rare. I consider myself a unicorn, haha!

Unicorn indeed! You've had a long and amazing career as an actor, beginning with some choice gigs as a child star... including Derek from Full House, Michelle's adorable friend who slayed “Yankee Doodle Dandy” in his debut episode! When you're that young and that famous/successful, can you even fully understand what is going on... or is it just normal because that's all you know?

For me, it was just going into the family business at a young age. Both my parents have lifelong careers in entertainment, which meant that many of their friends were in the business as well. I went to regular school, with non-working kids in between gigs, so I was aware that my life wasn't exactly typical. But I wouldn't have traded it for the world.

Nor would your fans! I understand Derek was meant to be a one-time-only appearance, but that evolved into a beloved recurring role for several seasons.

You're right! Derek was supposed to be a one episode thing, that turned out to be three seasons of the show until it ended. It was a joy to be on that set every single time. It really was a cohesive family by the time I entered the cast, and they all made me feel right at home.

One fun part of Fuller House is seeing many of these supporting characters and their actors from the original show return as adults for cute cameos. It would be difficult without the Olsen Twins on board for this version, but would Derek stop by Fuller House if it were up to you?

YES! If it were up to me, Derek would definitely be the flamboyant show choir director at the School of the "new generation" kids! Have you noticed the show is so gay now? DJ and Stephanie are hitting on gay guys, and Kimmy's ex-husband is basically the New Trade. It's wonderful! Haha! That's awesome to hear. I have to be totally honest and tell you I haven't actually watched any of the reboot past the first episode! I know, sacrilegious! There's just only so many hours in the day, and I have so many Real Housewives franchises to keep up with! But I'm so glad people are loving it, and I hope it goes on and on.

Speaking of Housewives, you made appearances on a Bravo show a few years ago, "The People's Couch!" What was that experience like?

Well I have to say, when they pitched the show to us I thought, "Okay, we've officially reached the end of entertainment! You're making a show about people watching other shows on TV." Of course I hadn't yet seen the brilliant original British version, Gogglebox. And then when I saw the rough cut of the pilot, I was blown away with how fresh and funny it was. 

We really had the opportunity to engage in social commentary in a way I couldn't have predicted. Of course there was plenty of silliness along the way, but we did get to talk about some real issues on Bravo primetime, which I'm proud of.

Your album The Time Manipulator was such a diverse collection of songs and styles. 

Indeed! The Time Manipulator was intentionally stylistically diverse. It wasn't until I began writing music that I realized the diversity of my musical influences. Each track on that album represents a story from a moment in my life; some happy, painful, frustrating, etc. The narrative is quite dramatic, and I felt the genres really needed to serve the narrative. 

Of course, that's the last thing any record label wants to hear... which is why it was important for me to self produce / release the first one so that my un-diluted musical story is there.

That's the way to do it! Who would you consider some musical influences?

I'm inspired by everyone from The Beatles and Queen to Diana Ross, Carole King, Elton John, Antonio Carlos Jobim, to Gaga and Beyonce. I'm a real music nerd so if the melody and lyric meet a pure emotional intention, I'M IN! Do you have any plans for another recording? I do! I'm in the middle of a (much more musically cohesive) new EP that is inspired by my love of Motown, Blues, and Soul.

Right before recording The Time Manipulator, the internet-browsing public was alerted (thanks to Perez Hilton, I think) to the fact that you--a former child star!--were gogo dancing to fund its production, and the Thirst Pics were abound. You've already talked a lot about that experience with honest candor and charm, but I was wondering.. does being a stage and screen performer prepare you for gogo dancing at all, or is it a completely different animal?

The performative aspect of it definitely felt familiar to me. Performing for an audience has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. But does anything truly prepare you for shaking your moneymaker in a jock on a box? Not sure, lol! 

It was like playing a role to a degree. I had a character / persona in my head. He had a name and a personality that was admittedly bolder than my own. So I guess it kind of was like a fun acting gig. Def, and it paid! Is that also how you got to know people in nightlife, like promoters and drag queens, or did you already kinda know that crowd from just being a gay entertainer in LA? It all sort of happened simultaneously, in a beautiful way. Just as I was becoming more comfortable and free in my queer identity and expression, I was meeting wonderful queer artists and brilliant performers who challenged me artistically and mentally, which was really wonderful.

What's been your history as a stage performer in NYC?

Well, my NYC stage debut was as an honorary member of "The Broadway Kids" in the early 90s. I believe a Gavroche got sick before one of their big shows, and my friend Kathryn Zaremba (who was Lisa on Full House) was Annie Warbucks on Broadway. She said to the director, “my friend can learn this show in four days.” Before I knew it, I was singing and dancing alongside all these young Broadway vets who were very gracious to let the TV / Film brat come play with them! What's a dream role for you, as far as Broadway is concerned? Deena Jones in Dreamgirls. Which I realize is extremely problematic on every level, and will never and should NEVER, EVER happen.  

I wish that Disney could get it together and put Hunchback on Broadway. I would do just about anything to bring Quasi to the Broadway stage. Oh God that would be incredible!  

So I saw I Dream of Jackie during its initial run at the Laurie Beechman Theatre, starring NYC queen Jackie Cox, which you directed and also co-starred in. I absolutely loved it, it was cute and very funny, and even had sincere moments! How did you get involved with that show, which I’m happy to see returns to the Beechman on Sunday, August 20th?

I'm so glad you enjoyed IDOJ! It was such a joy bringing it to life. Jackie (aka Darius) has been my best friend since we met on day one of college at UCLA. We actually came up with the character of Jackie together, which is why I am referred to as her "Drag Father," hahaha! 

It worked out that my schedule opened up enough for me to be in NYC for the month of July, and I jumped at the chance to direct and choreograph the show. Can't wait to do it again next Sunday!

Amazing! Have you / would you ever try drag yourself, by the way?

I have very strong, angular features. Me in drag just looks like Idina MANzel.

Ha! Well, the night before IDOJ returns, the Beechman will see you solo on the stage for the return of your own hit cabaret revue, Blake Sings Barbra: The Concert! What role does Barbra Streisand's music play in your life, and what made you want to bring this show to the stage?

I've been captivated by Barbra since I first saw Funny Girl at 7 years old. But it wasn't until her 1994 comeback concert that I became completely obsessed. It was a crazy year for me: I was in my second season of Full House, I filmed The Little Rascals, and my parents’ house was destroyed in the Northridge earthquake. In the show, I take you through all these things via The Concert, which basically taught me everything I know about being a performer.

I've wanted to do this tribute show for many years, and finally sat down one day last year, during the tumult of election season, and wrote it all down.

Now that you mentioned The Little Rascals--where you play spoiled villain Waldo-- and the election, I have to quickly ask about how surreal it is that Donald Trump plays your Dad on the other end of a phone conversation in a brief cameo. That must be so surreal to process, nowadays.

It really is! And I tell the extended version of the story in my show. It becomes relevant at a certain point in the concert!  Intriguing! What's your favorite song to do in the show? I love the setlist from the concert so much, so it really changes with every audience. Last month I had some true 94 concert superfans in the audience, so during "The Way We Were" they were quoting her ad libs at me, then I quoted some back at them during the interlude, and we all screamed and it was a fabulous moment. I explained it all to the rest of the crowd after the song, haha!

Sounds like a remarkable experience, congratulations! Anything else coming up for you? Yes, in September I am directing and choreographing a tour for the wonderful cabaret and burlesque artist Ariana Savalas (of Postmodern Jukebox fame). I built the first version of her show last summer, and now it's expanding into a full Caburlesque extravaganza, which is so fun! And then I'll be back at the Beechman in October with two more shows! Excellent! So, lastly: what do you think The Little Rascals’ Waldo would be doing today, as an adult?

I feel like he'd be on a yacht in the South of France, spending his father's money as rapidly as humanly possible!

Sounds about right. Thanks, Blake!

Check Thotyssey’s calendar for Blake McIver’s scheduled NYC appearances. Follow him on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, YouTube and his own website.

On Point Archives

[wiggimus]

My journey through a shitty album...

Metallica's St. Anger. For years, I described how much I absolutely fucking hated it, despite the fact that I never actually heard it. So I decided to actually hear it. The whole fucking thing.

*deep breath*

Let's do this...

"Frantic"

The opening track to an album is everything. It (usually) lets the listener know exactly what they're getting for the rest of their audio journey. In that, Frantic succeeds. It lets you know you're drinking a cup of shit. A cup that's an hour and fifteen minutes deep.

The song opens up very confusingly. The guitars are very simplistic. This wouldn't be so bad on its own, because songs like Pantera's "Walk" or Disturbed's "Down with the Sickness" make simple sound great. But here, it's too simple. It sounds like the result of waking someone up from a deep sleep, handing them a guitar and screaming "PLAY SOMETHING METALISH! NOW! RIGHT NOW!" until they did. The way the drums equate almost feels like it was doing its best, but without trying above the guitar's level of effort. It honestly sounds like the music was written by a child. Not just any child; a child that had never actually heard any Metallica. A child that overheard people talking about Metallica (complete with vocalizing riffs and such) and tried writing what the child thought was a Metallica song based on what those people said.

Lyrically, it's a fucking mess. At first, I gave off this confused "Okayyyyy...". Mostly because you kind of see where they're going, but they fall just short of truly making sense. I'm tempted to say they drop off after "You live it or lie it", or even "My lifestyle determines my deathstyle" *shudder*, but definitively, it's when he actually sings "Fran-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic-tic tock". He tries SO HARD to sell that terrible fucking line. And it's not even like he says it once or twice. No, it's THE SONG'S HOOK! THAT FUCKING POOR EXCUSE OF LYRICAL AFTERBIRTH IS MEANT TO CARRY THE SONG! Amazingly, the embarrassment doesn't end there. Not at all. On top of that, the more he says it, the worse the delivery. I don't know if he's trying to growl or scream it, but it comes out just sounding messy and shameful. I swear, if any other band tried "singing" like that, it would get rejected so quickly. Well, unless the singer had enough money to get the studio to shut the fuck up and call it a successful take.

Ugh. Now I have to take a shit.

"St. Anger"

I'm actually going to start this off on a positive note!

*gasp*, *collapse*

Right? I did that at first, too! Anyhoo, here it is: the video to this is awesome. No, really, go look it up. It's Metallica playing a set for the inmates at San Quentin. It does a good job at looking at the prisoners in a more realistic, down-to-earth light, portraying them as real people who were handed shitty cards in life rather than the scum of society. Plus, the guard makes the band verbally agree to an awesome disclaimer in the beginning of the video, which is a plus.

Okay, no more positives. This song blows. It sounds unfinished. The difference between the verses and the rest of the song is jarring. Hearing the intro just makes you breathe "Uh oh..." under your breath. The drums are obnoxious and overbearing and all the stringed instruments sound half-assed. When it kicks in stronger, it sounds so disorganized, like the stringed instruments are all trying to play over each other in an attempt to be heard over the drums. Then out of nowhere, it switches to what sounds like what was supposed to be an entirely different song. The verses DO NOT match the intro AT ALL.

These fucking lyrics. They're... awful. Just... awful. He repeats the same 3 or 4 lines far too many times. Not only that, each line is either painfully weak or excessively shameful. It all culminates in what is easily one of the absolute worst lines I've ever heard in any metal song I've heard in all my 33 years: "I'm madly in anger with you!". Who fucking thought that would be a good lyric? That's something a person would say if their grasp on the English language was shaky at best. Seriously, if someone didn't know how to say "laundry detergent", but instead said "shampoo for clothes", that type of weak grasp of English would be required to say "I'm madly in anger with you" in serious context.

Fuck this song.

"Some Kind of Monster"

This is the type of song you would only say is good when you wanna be nice to that one person you know who is in that band that really wants you to like them. This whole song is just plain messy. You can tell the people involved have more to offer, but they're just not. This is the first song that actually tries to sound Metallica-y, but it just weighted down by suck and effortlessness.

Instrumentally, this stands a little above the first 2 tracks in the sense that they're not constantly grating. For the most part, they're just meh. But the end of the song is bad. It tries for some top string, nu-metal-ish thing that just falls flat.

The lyrics combine "St. Anger"'s repetition with the cringe you get from "Frantic". Do you know happy I was that no one was around to hear me listen to this? I'd have been less embarrassed to have been caught with my dick in a stuffed animal.

"Dirty Window"

Not even 5 seconds in, I paused this, facepalmed and asked "What the fuck am I doing?" rhetorically. Immediately, it sounds like that band you humored by saying you liked "Some Kind of Monster" says "Yay! I have another one!" and you just respond with a resounding "FUUUUUUUUCK!!!"

On YouTube, there is a sketch from the British comedy show A Bit of Frye & Laurie where the two invent a subgenre called "light metal", which they sell as "heavy metal, but without all the weight". "Dirty Window" is the light metal version of a Metallica song. It's so "safe". It's metal suitable for kindergarten.

I am 100% convinced that James Hetfield had no hand in writing these lyrics. I do not believe it. If anyone says otherwise, I will tell them they're lying. There is no way an adult man wrote these. Nevermind the same man who penned "Fade to Black", "Hero of the Day" and "One". You can take their entire discography out of the picture. I am not convinced that an adult man who has fathered children, gotten married, bought a house, gotten a driver's license and pays bills on time wrote the words he sings in this song. Not at all. My daughter, who is currently only 6 years of age, would write these words. Her classmates would write these words. A teenager waking up from a month-long coma would write these words. ANYONE ELSE WOULD FUCKING TRY HARDER!

Luckily, it's the 2nd shortest song on the album. But, we go on to the 2nd longest...

"Invisible Kid"

Whoa... The opening riff... isn't bad? It's not great, but it's certainly the best this album has offered to this point!

Actually, this track features the least-worst music to this point, aside from blatantly stealing from "Frantic" at one point. It fluctuates between being tolerable and decent. You could actually see a crowd getting into it. Not a big crowd, but about 30 or 40 people. The drums still do that annoying snare-love bullshit, but they're not overbearing like in the previous 4 tracks. In fact, I might learn how to play this one day!

Fuck you, Hetfield! The moment you start singing, you ruin everything this song had going! It's like you dropped pubes into my cereal after I watched you yank them out! In his defense, the lyrics don't sound juvenile. Nope, here, they sound emo. Here's an example: "Invisible kid/never see what he did/got stuck where he hid/fallen through the grid". That's just the opening line. It gets worse from there! Fucking worse! Not even in just lyrical content, but also in delivery. What amazes me is that people let this happen. I can only imagine that the people who were helping record this album on the technical side must have felt like the film crew watching George Lucas make The Phantom Menace. They knew they were enabling pure shit but didn't (couldn’t?) stop it. I fucking hate every vocal aspect of this song. Before, the lyrics were childish, so you could go "Haha! Can you believe he said that?". But here, the words are awful, the delivery is awkward and the quality just sinks like a stone the longer the song continues.

I think the fact that the music is okay makes the whole song far worse.

"My World"

Fuck! Not only does this intro give me flashbacks to "Dirty Window", it's making me realize I already have flashbacks to "Dirty Window" Fuck! Well, actually, the main riff sounds like "St. Anger" with a tad more effort.

Is there a word that means "serviceable, but ignorable"? I'm too lazy to look it up. Either way, that word describes the music. Literally, I just finished listening to the song and I can't fucking remember how it goes. No, really, I paused it right after the song ended, started typing this and I can't remember a damn thing, other than that I don't remember hating it or anything. I know it has "St. Anger" vibes in the beginning, but not through the whole thing.

Well, the lyrics go right back to being childish. I bet you that they're written in crayon, on a piece of construction paper, hanging on a refrigerator by a magnet. But I'd say that this was written by a kid of about 8 or 9 who is starting to really discover swearing, but before they get all X-Box Live about it. It made me facepalm more than once, but brought me close to genuine laughter at its awkward uses of "motherfucker" and "son of a bitch". Mind you, I'm unopposed to vulgarity, but make it feel natural. There's one line that could easily be misheard as "give mama head", which is this album's unintentional greatest gift to music. Other than that, there's nothing good to be derived from this. It even joins "Frantic" on the Reasons Why James Hetfield Shouldn't Scream list.

"Shoot Me Again"

There are one-word descriptions for these songs. "St. Anger" is incomplete, "My World" is forgettable, etc. "Shoot Me Again" is directionless. The intro alone sounds like pieces of 3 different bad songs. The main riff sounds like Metallica's impression of KoRn. The verses sound like Metallica's impression of Staind.

Even more, if you played each instrument indivually, it sounds like each one is playing its own genre of music. Well, more like its own metal subgenre, but still, like a few different corpses Frankenstein'ed together. At one point, I honestly thought the song ended, so I started typing out my thoughts on the following track, but then it cuts back to "All the shots I taaaaaaake!". If that was supposed to be a breakdown, they need to listen to some Psychostick on how properly breakdown.

The vocals are just dumb. Yeah, they're childish and stuff, but overall, they're dumb and full of needless swearing.

"Sweet Amber"

Oh no. Don't do it. Don't you do it, St. Anger! You're not that good an album! Don't try for a slow, emotional song! Oh... you... listened to me? But then why was the intro all soft and clean? Fuck. Whatever. At least the following riff is okay.

Actually, if I'm not mistaken, this may be the least-worst song on the album. Musically, at least. It's better than "Invisible Kid". I know that's like saying a sunburn is better than an acid burn, but better is still better. Don't get me wrong, it's still pretty bad, but in comparison to what I heard to get here, it's at least tolerable.

But again, the lyrics ruin what was potentially a good song! Fuck the words and fuck the delivery. They're not "Invisible Kid" bad, but they suuuuuuuuuuck.

"The Unnamed Feeling"

Bland. Bland bland bland. The intro to this song is just so BLAND. Fucking emote. You're Metallica. Act like you want the listener to feel something! There is a name for my feeling: it's BOREDOM. Well, I'm bored until it takes a Mudvayne turn. Then I'm confused. Well, Mudvayne without the amazing drums and bass.

Overall, the music stays boring. So. Boring. This is just like "My World" where I can't remember the rhythm to this song AT ALL. It's so forgettable. All I can really recall is that the song just ends. It just drops. That's it.

To Hetfield's credit, these are possibly his "best" lyrics on the whole album. But I used the quotation marks because they're still bad, just not bad enough to make me piss myself in shame & regret. He swears again here, but it actually feels natural, as though it was a natural progression of the song for the f-bombs to reach that point.

"Purify"

Huh. An intro with energy. Dare I say, an impressive intro? No, wait, I'm stupid. It reverts right back into suck territory. Thanks for getting my hopes up...

Metallica doesn't wear nu-metal well. They just don't. Believe me, I actually like some nu-metal, but not this. This just sounds weak. That's all I have. It's weak. Moving on...

Okay, so I'm guessing Hetfield wanted to write lyrics in KoRn's style, but without the crying and the begging for hugs. Yet another song that goes on the Reasons Why James Hetfield Shouldn't Scream list. The lyrics & delivery aren't as overwhelmingly terrible like the rest of the album, but they're not redeemable in any sense of the word. They're just not good.

Thankfully, this is the shortest song on the album. But the next one is the longest *sobs*

"All Within My Hands"

I once started watching The Bourne Supremacy. You know, the one without Matt Damon. I got about 30 minutes into it but stopped once I realized that I asked "What is the point?" after about a dozen times. I felt that exact same feeling after only 1 minute into this song. That's only 1/9 of the total time of the track! I shouldn't feel so checked out so quickly. But I'm powering through this. It's the last track. I'm almost there...

Okay, so the music would probably be more interesting from a different band. If I heard an indie band play it with different lyrics, I'd probably like it. It has energy and power. I even bobbed my head to it once or twice. Shit, I may actually learn this song too one day. Maybe. I have a lot of Zelda music to learn first. Except for the fact that the last note played is so dissonant and awful. It's like kicking someone annoying out of your house, but they take a shit on your floor right before leaving.

I guess Hetfield's approach was to remind everyone the name of the song he was playing, because he repeats it to no end. The delivery is actually pretty good, but the actual words he recorded just suck. I need to listen to this again in the future to count how many times he says the song's name, because it must be at least 50. Honestly, try saying "All Within My Hands" 50 times in a span of 9 minutes. You'll piss yourself off, nevermind anyone else stuck listening to you. At the end of the song, he repeats the word "kill" in a way that made me chuckle. It reminded me of Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

...

HOLY FUCKING SHIT, I'M DONE. I will never do that again. Fuck this album. Seriously, I think that aged me. That 75 minutes felt like 150. I am beyond thankful that they followed this up with Death Magnetic. Could you imagine if this was the last album Metallica ever released? I would be so sad! I would feel so bad for them for the rest of my life. In fact, Death Magnetic just got so much better for me. Knowing they went from St. Shit to a modern masterpiece like Death Magnetic just makes their 2008 (holy shit!) release seem like the sweetest nectar from Mount Olympus.