#everyone keeps saying im so strong and ive handled it so well and im kinda just like. thanks i don't see any other way to be

[bhalspawn]

i can't say im glad i got so sick and had my legs amputated but i do feel like a totally different person now in the best way. like i know how much im loved and i know that im so much stronger than i ever thought

[lunatic-fandom-space]

Comparing RWBY and YGO DM: The Handling and Evolution of Themes

Hey! Its been a hot minute since I last posted anything RWBY-related but Im laying in my bed right now and Im sick and bored so I guess we're doing this. Today I will do my best to analyze what I percieve to be the main themes and messages of both of these shows, or more specifically, how theyre handled narratively. Im mostly focusing on that part because, while these series do have similar themes and messaging, they are still a few things in which they are wildly different. And with that, lets start with this essay-post-thing!

1. Theres something we need to adress first

Okay so, before we can really talk about this, theres something I feel the need to clarify here: Neither of these stories was "planned from the beginning".

Now, I dont think a story being planned from the beginning or not nesscessarily makes the story any better or worse by default, however, it is still important to acknowledge because the way the story is planned is going to affect every facet of it. Things are not going to be foreshadowed properly, things are gonna be set up only for nothing to come of it, the story might drastically change directions, characters might act differently, etc, etc.

And, this is bit off-topic but, it's much better to just admit that the story was not planned than trying to pretend that it was. Like, there are a lot of reasons why I tend to be so forgiving towards YGO even though its not very good, but one of them is definitely the fact that, as far as Im aware atleast, the guy who wrote it isnt pretending to have had this big master plan all along and neither is the fandom. With RWBY on the other hand... yeaaaah, its kinda the opposite. From what Ive seen of RWBYs fandom, there seems to be this pretty popular narrative that everything was planned even though it clearly wasnt. Thats pretty bad and honestly lowers my opinion of the writers so much more than if they would just admit to not having a proper plan.

Like, I initially consumed YGO like this: Yu-Gi-Oh Duel Monsters, Yu-Gi-Oh (aka Season 0), like, a quarter of the Yu-Gi-Oh manga (I still havent finished it)

In all three of these we have the character of Yami Yuugi, or just Yami. Broadly speaking, he is an ancient egyptian gamer spirit who lives in a magical puzzle that has not been solved for 3000 years until this highschooler named Yuugi Mutou comes along and solves it, thus setting him free and allowing him to possess Yuugi and have access to the vague magical powers of the puzzle.

In Duel Monsters he's perfectly fine most of time, morally speaking. There is an instance of him almost murdering a guy and its a bit unclear what exactly happens to those he mindcrushes but overall he's very much a pretty good guy. In Season 0 most of what he does is set up these games for bad people, where they will go insane no matter what they do. From how I understand this whole Shadow Game, Penalty Game stuff, if you lose a Shadow Game, you get violent and intense hallucinations and you will always cuz yknow, gamer spirit. But if you try to cheat, which most of the bad people do in this show, you get violent and intense hallucinations as a punishment.

Since the two anime are generally considered two different continuities, its perfectly fine that Yamis characterization is wildly different in both of them. But in the manga both of these characterizations appear, basically one after the other with no real arc or consequences, for that matter. Why is that? Simply put, someone thought it was a good idea to try to turn an episodic, very slice of life-y light-horror manga into a more traditional, more plot-driven battle shounen. From what Ive heard, it was apparently largely because of network interference or something, but the point is, it changed directions incredibly drastically with little planning and everyone knows this and I can understand that for the most part.

In RWBY we have the character of Blake Belladonna, who, in the first 3 volumes/seasons atleast, was this aloof, more toned down loner-type character with a pretty strong sense of justice. She's an in-universe marginilized racial minority and she clearly cares about racial injustice. The way its initially framed makes it seem like she had a very hard life and no stable support system, which is what eventually pushed her to join a Civil Rights group/Terrorist organization (good god, the Faunus subplot is so awful, I could write a whole essay about it but Im already de-railing rn so I'll just save that for later).

Then, in volumes 4-5 it turns out her father is actually like, the mayor or chief of this island-place called Menagerie and she grew up in this big mansion with multiple guards/servants. Oh and also, apparently "space is a commodity" on there, so theres that. She still retains large parts of her personality but she's kinda like, worse somehow I think. I cant really describe it in a meaningful way but I hope you get what Im saying anyway. Then in Volume 6 she confronted her emotional abuser Adam (sorry for not mentioning him sooner but yeah, he was like, her abusive boyfriend, which is something that a lot of people disagree with but I wont really say anything about it either way because I dont really feel any specific way) with her friend, Yang, and ended up killing him.

After all that, she pretty much lost the rest of her personality, as well as her arc about all the Faunus stuff. She just kinda became the meek, generically nice, recovering abuse victim. Why? Well, the actual reason is that they didnt plan out shit and are just kinda flying by the seat of their oversized clown-pants and if they and the fandom just admitted it, I would have less of an issue. I still wouldnt be as forgiving towards RWBY as I am towards YGO because the crux of the issue, for me, is just that I dont particulary like RWBY but also like. Do you really expect me to take MKEK seriously as writers after admitting to not have a timeline because iT wOuLd CaUsE pLoThOlEs?

However, since they want us to believe that everything was planned out from the beginning, the explaination would be.... Idk, they deliberately butchered one of their main characters?? Because.. they hate her?? Maybe????

So yeah, that was quite a detour however, I would like you to keep this mind going forward.

2. Themes of the Early Series'

First, what do mean by 'Early Series' for both of these shows respectively? Well, for YGO that would have to be Season 0 or if youre reading the manga, everything pre-Duelist Kingdom. Basically, the part of the series thats a episodic, very slice of life-y light-horror series.

For RWBY that would be the first three Volumes, also known as the Poser-Era. Back then it was just kinda an action series that took place at Anime Warrior Academy (also known as Beacon) with some pretty bare minimum worldbuilding, character-driven plots and developments but now its more of an epic high-fantasy story with more of an emphasis on plot as opposed to just action.

The themes and messages in Early YGO are kinda vague, very confusing to me and if you were to follow any of it literally that would be pretty bad. For now Im just gonna say the main themes are Friendship and Identity and mostly focus on the Identity aspect.

Now, it took me a little while to figure out RWBYs deal but I think the main themes for Volumes 1-3 are also Friendship and Heroism. Once again, I'll mostly focus on Heroism and touch on Friendship more briefly later.

I dont have much more to add to YGOs themes right now, so I'll briefly go over Heroism in RWBY.

In RWBYs setting there are these man-eating monsters called Grimm that have basically infected the planet. In order to deal with that, they have people called huntsmen and huntresses that kill them and protect people. Theyre trained at special academies like Beacon and go on missions there and stuff like that. Our four main characters, Ruby, Weiss, Blake and Yang, are training to become huntresses and one day they go on this mission to clean up a grimm infested city block with one of their teachers. Obviously, that takes a long time so they have to camp out in one of the empty houses. Weiss, Blake and Yang cant sleep because theyve been thinking about this question that their teacher asked them when they were fighting grimm: "Why do you want to become a huntress?"

They have a heart to heart and we find out about their motivations; Weiss wants to bring honour back to her family, Blake want to distance herself from the White Fang (that terrorist organization I mentioned earlier) and as an extension from Adam, Yang wants to have a life of adventure. They also talk about why Ruby wants to be a huntress and it turns out that she judt wants to help people. Unlike the others, she has no motivation besides that. We're meant to listen to that and look at her as a sort-of personification of Heroism: kind, but not naive, strong and most of all, selfless. The others on her team are not portayed as bad for not being like Ruby by any means but we are clearly meant to admire her the most out of all of them.

Okay, now comes the part Ive been looking forward to the most:

3. How did these themes evolve in the Modern Series'?

Alright, before we can really delve into the way they evolved in YGO I'll have to give you a brief summary of the character progression. At the start of DM, during the Duelist Kingdom arc, Yami Yuugi is just that; A darker Yuugi. Hes more confident, bolder, his voice is deeper, hes somehow taller, more ruthless, all that good stuff. Notably, he doesnt actually seem more skilled than Yuugi even at the start of this story, but he's still dependent on Yami. Yami on the other hand, has no identity of his own or even hints at one at this point. He's just The Other Yuugi.

Then during the Battle City arc, they find out that Yami was actually a pharao prior to being sealed in the puzzle, he just didnt know because of amnesia, I guess. So now they need to find out his real name and then send him to the afterlife because hes meant to be dead, but not before saving the world from being swallowed by darkness, which is also a thing they have to do now.

Then we finally get to the Memory World arc, where Yami, Yuugi and the rest of the gang astralproject to ancient egypt via puzzle magic. Yami is trying to figure out what the hell is going on and who all these familiar people are, while Yuugi & Co are trying their best to help him. Then some weird shit happens and it turns out that all of that is not just Yamis sealed away memories, but also a giant D&D Shadow Game that will destroy the world if Yami loses. So now theres Pharao!Yami who is still clueless on the metaphorical and literal playing field and Player!Yami, who is kinda controlling himself now? I guess?? Yamis opponent, The Spirit of The Ring, has something similar to that going on where hes both controlling and properly participating in the game. So Player!Yami is now fighting against Player!TSoTR, Pharao!Yami is now fighting against Thief King Bakura (who is like, the human, ancient egyptian version of the Ring Spirit) and Yuugi is now fighting against Yami Bakura (who is like, the human, modern japanese version of the Ring Spirit). Yuugi gets Yamis real name, he and the gang go over to Pharao!Yami and tell him his name, meanwhile Player!Yami is also somehow helping as well and they defeat the Ring Spirit, thus saving the world. Then they travel to modern Egypt, the Ceremonial Duel happens and Yuugi wins, sending Yami to the Afterlife where he can finally rest and that was the series!

I originally wanted to recount the stuff that was going on with the Ring Spirit and his host as well because they parallel eachother, but this summary is already far too long and I think youll get the point without me needing to explain any more.

My point here is, that the story went from being vaguely about Identity, maybe? to being very clearly about Self-Discovery and Learning to Be Independent. I think this is a very good way to evolve the messaging of your story. How does RWBY track on that?

Well, uh... its not great. I will acknowledge that they have tried to introduce new themes and ideas since, even though I wont really be talking about them in this post. But yeah, the whole Heroism thing really regressed.

Like, I didnt explicitly say it when I was explaining grimm earlier, but theyre not going away. The grimm have always been there and people who sign up to become huntsmen and huntresses are effectively signing up for a job that will never truly be done, no matter what they do. Characters like Ruby and even more minor ones like Phyrrah have shown us that that doesnt matter when youre a hero. No life isnt worth saving, no grimm isnt worth killing, no criminal isnt worth arresting. Then, in volume 6 they find out about Salem. Salem is the Big Bad of the show, shes immortal, controls the grimm and is supposed to be very powerful.

What do our heroes do? They give up. Sike! They were just mindcontrolled by monsters or some shit, of course they didnt give up their mission (which is to bring an Important Macguffin to a city called Atlas, sorry I didnt mention it)!

But then they arrive in Atlas (which is llike, a city thats floating over another city called Mantle) and yknow, they do some plot stuff thats not really important right now until the city gets invaded by Salem and this big grimm army she has.

What do our heroes do? Well, Ruby, Weiss, Blake and some side characters are chilling, drinking tea in a mansion and Yang and the B Team were actually trying to do something, but even those efforts seem incredibly minimal.

Oh wait, I also forgot to mention that Ironwood (a fairly minor, vaguely antagonistic character up until now) wanted to lift Atlas even higher to save Atleasian civilians from danger while leaving Mantle vulnerable to Salems invasion.

What would be the most heroic thing to do?

A) Let Ironwood lift Atlas, get as much support as they can down to Mantle and save as many Mantle civilians as they can from the invasion

B) Prevent Ironwood from lifting Atlas but then split up in order to protect both Atlas and Mantle civilians

C) Prevent Ironwood from lifting Atlas and then dont do anything else

Congrats! If you choose C, you think exactly like the writers!

And I just

This is so mindboggling to me, I feel like I shouldnt even have explain how this is bad. And like, it wouldve been so easy to actually make them seem herokc through their actions, to make it seem like they did try but no.

I have never seen a central theme be this botched, how in the world did they do that? Why did they think it was a good idea for Ruby "The Embodiment of Heroism" Rose to sit in a mansion doing nothing, no planning, no organizing just ..... God, how are they this bad? Like, this doesnt even have anything to do with it being planned in any way, this is just straight up incompetence

4. Very briefly touching on friendship

The friendship is awful and its not solely because they all have the same opinions. They barely interact with eachother outside their designated pairs which leads to it all feeling incredibly hollow. Theyre also practically indistingushable from one another now, which is a shame because it wasnt always like that. Like, I dont think the characters were that well-developed in earlier volumes but they were very well-characterized. But now we've gotten to a point where you can literally copy and paste one characters dialogue onto another and literally nothing changes, it really sucks.

5. Some closing words

Damn, this took way longer than I thought it would and now Im pretty exhausted. I have no idea how yall always write these but props to you! I feel like this ended up a bit rambly but overall, Im pretty proud.

Please let me know what you think of the points I brought up! Id also really appreciate some tips on how to get better at these longer posts because I am planning on writing more in the future (not the near future, probably but yknow).

Thats all I have to say for now, thanks for reading!

[laiqart]

The Untamed vs MDZS Anime: Which is better?

Going to japan now. Currently in the plane. The in flight tv is broken. So... ive been watching mdzs on youtube!

Hot damn the animation is beautiful. Every frame is a work of art. How the hell. Its so beautiful. I mean they use 3D a lot for the backgrounds and boats but its still gorgeous and not too jarring. The lighting is so realistic, scenery too. All the fighting choreography is beautiful. The way the swords swing in the air looks so fluid, and when swords clash its in flashes of light the color of their sword. Such a tasteful yet stylistic choice. Everyone's, esp wwx, hair is so flowy, so detailed every strand sways in the wind. The waves reflect light and move smoothly. How the hell did they do that. How. I was thinking of doing those screencap redraw thingy with the scene when wwx whacks lwj's boat. (they also emphasised how far lwj's boat was sinking into the water, which makes it more convincing how wwx can deduce that theres something underneath vs the live action where lwj's boat looked normal..) it was damn beautiful. The thing is, the point of these redraws is that the animation looks simple, so the redraw would enhance the scene. But for mdzs, everything is already in peak quality, redrawing it will only look worse. Its like writing fanfiction of books. The original writing is so damn beautiful, fan fiction ends up being such a stark difference that the reader cant help but compare the 2.

Drama, as everyone says, shows better facial expressions due to the live actors, so emotions hit harder. But anime def LOOKs way better in all action scenes. Angles that follow the characters are used to emphasise scale between enemy and chracters, and all the movements feel so dynamic, and i love how when they use talisman spell thingies they got a circle of light in an intricate pattern thats super beautiful. In the drama, its just a piece of paper.

However, i prefer drama's lwj. Maybe cos wyb looks so young, its more believable when he freaks out over the adult book that wwx gives him in the library scene. In the anime, he looks 20+-30+. Its a bit hard to believe that he'd be worried over that. Idk theres a kind of innocence and naivety that leads to the stubborn refusal to express emotion that young lwj is plagued with that we have in the untamed (was this intentional on wyb's part or is it because the teenage lwj wig made his eyes look floaty, so he seems more like a teenager and naive, less experienced as a cultivator vs lwj 13 years later? Dk but it works!). In the anime, he looks like an adult thats calm and level headed already from the get-go. Idk maybe i just havent watched enough (only seen up til the water demons in caiyi town). In both anime and drama, everyone and i mean EVERYONE besides the fricking babies looks the same 13/16 years later. It doesn't feel like time has passed at all. I wish they would have maybe a change in costume, or hairstyle in the anime. The drama at least changes their costumes a little and neatens the hairstyle of jiang cheng and lwj to indicate maturity.

Btw i love that in the anime for the water demons section they had wwx and jc casually chatting (though its a blatant cornetto ad which is fricking weird. How can there be frozen treats back in those days), then wwx beautifully catapulting himself onto a boat and rowing away showing the unique and romantic af mode of transport in caiyi town, then smoothly transitioning to the lan bros on the bridge right above them with lwj asking why lxc decided to bring them along. Its just tying together so many scenes, quickening the plot along and yet doing it so naturally and seamlessly compared with the novel and drama.

Though i like that the drama involved wn and wq and have wwx save wn, and makes way more sense why wn would want to risk his life to help wwx recover his parents fricking corpse illegally right under the nose of wen chao and wen zhuliu.

The anime removed the entire mystery plot of a yan and the fairy goddess statue and thats honestly the best best best choice to make. In the drama, it was one of the worse sections ever cos i didnt understand who all these random ass characters were (it was one of the first mysteries in the drama) and yet it didnt go into detail like they did in the novel, so not only did i not know what was going on, i also didnt give a single shit about the characters. When i saw that they completely did away with the random passer bys who screwed around with the fairy statue, i was thoroughly impressed.

I liked that the drama let nhs have his own trouble making moments tho, like having him sneak a live bird into class. It makes it more convincing that wwx would be friends with him because they both have a mischievous side that they can both appreciate in each other. In the anime, nhs just looks like a loser nerd thats weak in swordplay and does wwx's homework for him, without a will of his own. It doesnt make sense why wwx would keep him around. Then again, maybe itll make the reveal that nhs is a conniving mastermind more impactful for the anime, oh well only time will tell.

I liked that lxc and lwj look similar in the anime. Its more convincing when people call them the twin jades of the lan clan. In the drama, they hardly looked like brothers. Lxc looks more like lwj's mentor or teacher rather than an older brother. In the anime, they look more siblingy.

I miss drama wen ning. I rmb when he looked so fierce and terrifying in his first appearance. I was legit intimidated. Oh how hes changed! Hes so fluffy now. In the anime hes equally menacing. His fight scene with the statue goddess was so beautiful. Doesnt it take a long time to animate the chains moving so fluidly yet dynamically yet somehow looks like it can disintegrate rock in an instant? The lighting on it too, how it reflected the fire of the forest around them. Have i mentioned how beautiful having that fight scene at night was? It was dark and ominous looking, yet the fire cast an epic looking light over the scene with warm orange glows. And the animators had that fiery light reflected in anything they could find: eyes, chains, swords.

Ooh but jiang cheng's whip looked prettier in the drama than in the anime, which is kind of weird given they were both cgi-ed. Somehow the lighting of the whip in the drama was brighter, looked more like real lightning vs the whip in the anime looking a little dull, like they colored it then added a gray filter. This is kinda bizarre given the laughably bad effects of the effects for everything else in the drama. Visuals for non human things is not the drama's strong suit, so it makes u wonder what happened for the anime whip. Maybe in the dark, the lightning would have to look hella bright and reflect on the surroundings (tedious to color) more so than in the day, hence why it looked worse in anime vs drama. Oh well.

As for lan sizhui, its weird that his voice is so deep in the anime (and audio drama!). Ive always seen him as a kiddo thanks to the live action, so hearing him sound mature is kinda off-putting. He sounds like a leader, and gives off lwj vibes vs in the live action where he gives a goody two shoes studious nerd vibe, whos just trying his best. Maybe this is better, he feels way more like a lwj-raised child(serious and business-like) which makes more sense. Live action lsz feels like a wwx(optimistic and intelligent) AND lwj(well-behaved and sensible)-raised child. Anime lsz looks like hes got his shit together. Jinling is fairly similar in both, maybe less prideful in the anime (in live action theres the scene where im pretty sure he indirectly kills one of his men by wishing for the fairy goddess statue to come to life. That was a hella asshole move. This was omitted in the anime.) Jingyi in the anime somehow looks snarkier. Maybe cos he straight up duels with jinling and kicks him down a dark cave. Ive been wondering why all the tumblr posts depict ljy as this sassy ass short tempered kid when he was quite tame (though sassy by lan standards) in the live action. Now i know.

The costumes for the drama is better, more detailed though thats expected i guess. I just love that they have little white gusu lan clan uniforms that wwx jc and friendos are required to wear. Its so cute and such a cool detail. In anime, theyre all in their usual garb, and they just look like random people who decided to turn up at lan qirens class. In the drama, it looks more like a school that they have to attend for half a year and it feels characteristic that gusu lan clan would require their students to have a uniform, given their incredibly strict regime type. It also serves to separate the happy carefree school days from all the other tragic af events in wwx's life. His costume starts out white showing innocence and purity of his naiive teenage years who had yet to experience hardship and still feels invincible as a youth. After school, he wears dark blue, as he goes on an adventure with lanzhan and experience how important the yin iron is (gives up the joking light hearted nature as a teenager by realizing the gravity of situation if the wen clan gets their hands on it) and maybe that hes not truly part of the jiang clan who wears purple. Then his costume eventually becomes black as he experiences his first life and death situation that he isnt sure he can handle. That child like assurance that "oh the seniors will let me off" or "im sure jiang fengmian will come to my rescue" gets demolished when he undergoes cruel indoctrination at the wen clans. This visual development may be a bit on the nose, but personally i love subtle representations.

Overall, the anime does do a better of job of explaining the world's mechanics, which is quite important. The drama is quite faithful to the book, at times even more so than the anime, so it irks me that this is the one thing they decide to skim on. The god damn premise, the first thing the audience needs: why the hell is wwx alive again and what is mo xuanyu doing?? I guess the drama thought that it explains itself but it doesnt really. It was really confusing. The anime, though somehow faster than the drama, still has the time to properly explain mxy. A technique ive noticed is that they do exposition during the fight scenes, which is so ingenius. Its visually appealing, as always, so its not boring, the viewers gets to understand whats going on AND it gives the sense that the characters are so skilled that they carry causal conversations while fighting supposedly weak enemies like zombies and water ghosts, which is accurate seeing how wwx and lwj and friends are supposed to be one of the most powerful cultivators.

TL;DR both are good lol

[im-just-having-fun-karen]

✨Febuary Dances

Heya everybody! This is a Aoyama x reader! Basically UA has a dance and you and Aoyaoma bith want to wear dresses so you decide that both should! No one said you both couldnt wear dresses together! Also i dont his backstory so im making it up so please dont be mad or offended.- Author-san

Aoyama x reader

Gender neutral reader and nonbinary Yuuga Aoyama

Quirk: light dance, you can manipulate the light when you dance such as making it shine in certain places or making it burn someone, this can also cause you to glow when flustered or excited

Warnings: mentions of high heels and dancing

Begin!

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Y/N PoV

"-there will also be a Febuary dance to celebrate all of your successes as coming this far in your training. It will be on Febuary 13th an begins at 7:30. I hope to see you all there" the class 1B teacher said. Febuary dance? Huh, sounds fun i guess... I began to think of who to take with me when the bell rang and everyone got up to leave and head to lunch. "Bonjour Y/N! Would you like to sit with me?" Aoyama asked as i stopped walking to let them catch up. "Huh? Sure!" i smiled with closed eyes before continuing to walk with Aoyama.

"So, you hear about the Febuary dance Y/N?" i looked up at Jiro with confusion for a moment, "huh? Oh! Haha yeah, not sure who im gonna bring though.." i said as glaced over at Aoyama who was currently talking with Midoriya at the other end of the table. "Really? Well I heard Kirishima was going with Bakugou so thats new!" Kirishima and Bakugo? "Really? Good for them! Im glad they finally decided to come out about their relationship!" i genuinely am happy they came out and that they're going together, i wish i had that confidence with Aoyama. I still remember when we were little and how they were so much less confident back then.

3rd person PoV

Two small kids one with short blond hair and the other with (your hair length and color), both just sitting on the young blonds bed talking. "Its flashy but its useless if i cant use it for more then a second" the young Yuuga said as their eyes began to fill with tears. "Then you'll just have to train more! That way eventually you'll be able to use it as long as you want!" a young Y/N spoke with such determination that it almost convinced the young Yuuga, "b-but I'll never be as strong as you! I'll never be a good hero!" young Yuuga shouted crying at this point, But of course our determined little Y/N wasnt having it. "Of course not with that attitude!" young Y/N spoke with determination as they stood above their best friend, "You cant give up without even trying! Would almight give up!? No! So why should you! We'll train together and both become great heros! No matter what happens we'll always stay together! I'll make sure you become a good hero!" the young Y/N spoke with so much power that Yuuga swore that day to be as confident as them..

Y/N PoV

"Y/N??? Yyyyyy/nnnn! (your full name)!" "eep!" i squeaked as i was suddenly supried out of my spaced out state. "What! What happened!?" i said as i looked around frantically. "Haha! Calm down! Nothings wrong you just spaced out is all" Jiro said as i calmed down and sighed. "So who are you gonna bring to the febuary dance?" "dude i already said i dont know yet." i said with a dead panned look sighing, "well how would you like to go dress-" "or tuxedo!" "yes, or tuxedo shopping with us?" Momo asked as Hagakure interrupted. "Sure, sounds fun."

(time skip because i still cant write you walking to places)

"So wich one do think looks better?" Mina asked me as she showed me two similiar pink dresses. "Hmm, the second one i guess"

I said as she smiled and went to go put the other back.

"Dont forget to get something yourself Y/N!"

I nodded and began to look around for a bit before finding one i really liked. It was long and a bit flowy, it was a beautiful golden yellow with yellow tinted clear fabric covering the legs and beautiful swirly accents, it was a bit open on the sides but it had orange accessories on the belly, legs and upper arms. It had an light orange bra like top with a yellow lace cover and soft yellow clear fabric. The sides, back, and middle front of the dress were a silky soft fabric with a yellow orange gradient. It had a golden orange neck peice like the ones female Egyptians used to wear along with one gold triangle earing on one of the ears.

"..woah.."

I said as i reached to touch it, the fabric was so soft.

"Find one you like y- woah! Thats stunning!"

Mina said as she was awwed by the dress

"I can get it for you Y/N"

Momo said as she walked over to us and smiled

"H-huh!? But its so exspenisive! I-"

She cut me off,

"Its fine Y/N! Really! I dont mind"

I stuttered an ok and she pat my head

"You should try it on Y/N! I wanna see how good you look in it!"

Mina said as she jumped,

"S-sure"

I stuttered as i grabbed the dress and left to the changing room, a bit later and i walked out in the dress staring at the ground.

"Well? How do i look?"

I heard a few gasps and suddenly i was hugged by Jiro, Mina and Ochako

"YOU LOOK AMAZING!!"

(Again i really need to learn this)

"Well we're here!"

I heard Mina shout as i got out of the car and began to walk to the doors with her and Jiro next to me. I walked over to the benches to sit and look for Yuuga, see they asked me to go with them about two days before the dance and right after i picked out my dress.

"Bonjour Y/N! You look absolutely stunning darling but if i knew we were both wearing dresses i might have said something!"

I hear them laugh as i turned around to look at them, they were wearing a wonderful dark blue dress with a light blue cover that had sky blue swirls and dots. It had a cream colored ribon tied into a rose with greyish blue outlines, neon blue dots on the bottom and white swirls on the chest piece, it had a blue neck piece with a small white rose keeping it together, they had black gloves and a beaded arm piece on one arm. It was flowy and long like mine but the bottom split to show their legs and black rose vine heels with blue roses.

"You look amazing Yuuga!"

I blushed as they laughed and saw that they were wearing soft yellow lipstick, i was wearing dark blue. We really fit together,

"Well thank you! Care to dance?"

They asked holding out their hand.

"Of course!"

I grabbed their hand and we went to the dance floor, i put my hand on their waist and they put their hand on my shoulder, our other hands locked together and we begun to move to the song.

I nearing the end of my fourth year

I feel like ive been lacking, crying to many tears

Everyone seemed to say it was so great

But did i miss out? Was it a huge mistake?

I spun them a bit and we moved faster

I cant help the fact i like to be alone

It might sound kinda sad, but thatd just what i seem to know

I tend to handle things usually by myself

And i cant ever seem to try and ask for help

We clapped and they spun me our movements faster, one foot after the other i danced with them

Im sitting here, crying in my prom dress

I'd be the prom queen if crying was a contest

Makeup is running down

We laughed a bit and contuined

Feelings are all around

We blushed as we looked at each others eyes

How did i get here? i need to know

I guess i maybe had a couple expectations

Thought id get to them

I begun to dance away from them without realizing, my quirk was activating nad the light followed a pattern around me as i danced

But no i didn't

I guess i thought that prom was gonna be fun

But now im sitting on the floor and all i wanna do is run

I realized what i was doing when i felt everyone staring at me, i looked around scared before seeing Yuuga looking at me wide eyed.

"....i-i im sorry!....."

I ran out of the building in fear, i cant believe i did that! I kept running until i made it back to my dorm, i knew it was a bad idea to go to the dance.

(a few hours later)

*Knock knock*

"Hello? Darling its me"

I heard Yuuga through my door

"Darling im coming in.."

I heard the door open and saw them close it behind them

"..hey.."

I mumbled a "hello"

"..Yknow i thought your dance was amazing darling."

I looked at them with shock,

"Really?"

They nodded

"I'd still like to finish our dance if you dont mind.."

"Here?"

They hummed a "no"

"Not here, somewhere special. C'mon get cleaned up and we can go"

"...alright...thank you"

They hummed a response and waited outside while i fixed my makeup and put my shoes back on.

"Alright, where are we going?"

"You'll see"

(Wow so many of these in one story like damn)

Thousands of colored lights shined below us, we were on a grassy cliff aith a few trees.

"....woah this is....amazing.."

I felt Yuuga hug grab my hands with theirs and turn me around to face them

"So, wanna dance?"

I nodded glowing a soft gold

One foot after the other we danced slowly and calmly, it was peaceful and quiet besides the hum of the city below us.

We stared into each others eyes, the soft glow of the lights below us illuminating our faces. Closer amd closer our lips touched and our eyes closed, it was soft and a bit longer then a peck but it was amazing. Softs gasps as our eyes and lips parted,

"I...love you"

They sighed a bit

"I love you too Y/N.."

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Done! I really hope you all enjoyed because it took me a week to finish this, again none of the art or music in this is mine, Yuuga Aoyama belings to Horikoshi. I tried hard to make this longer and im glad it came out with over 1,000 words! Its the longest one ive written so far! Im proud of myself and again i hope you all enjoyed, if you have any tips feel free to send them to me as im always open to criticism - Author-san

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Carly

Ali: How do you like your  🥚🍳 in the morning? Carly: no 🐣 Carly: ha Ali: 🐔 didn't show up in your roost later, did he? Carly: he must be scared of you Carly: 🔮 Ali: or my 🐺 Carly: maybe Ali: eggs aside, how you feeling, chick? Carly: 😷🤒🤕🤢🤮 Ali: 👎👎👎👎👎 Ali: unacceptable! Ali: what do you need, kill or cure? Carly: cure forever Carly: im too young to die Ali: I'll swing by with my witches brew Ali: actually doesn't taste like ☠ either Ali: pure 😇 Carly: aw Carly: really? Ali: 'course, not gonna half-arse the job Ali: and it makes a full pot, no sense in not sharing the 💚 Carly: 💙 Carly: wat does it taste like? Ali: like Christmas 🎄🎅🤶🎁❄️🌨️☃️✨🌟 Carly: 😋😊🥰 Ali: it's got ginger and peppermint in Ali: the only other person hanging out their arse is my brother and he would rather die 'cos he's grumpy 👴 man energy so Carly: no 🦃 tho yea?! ha Carly: oh no he sounds like my da Carly: which cute bro is it? Ali: definitely not 😂 Ali: some greens but not sprouts Ali: the freckly one Carly: did u heal my heart to 💔😢? Carly: course itd be the most beautiful one Ali: oh no, you're delirious Ali: I'll come quick 😜 Carly: dont b jealous 👼 hes only the most beautiful boy Ali: 😏 My ma'll be gutted Carly: do u have a tea for that? Ali: 🍋 'cos she's so bitter? Ali: I'll see if she goes for it Carly: noooo 🍯 so she wont be Ali: you're too sweet yourself, Walsh Carly: aw Carly: but ur the 1 who saved me Carly: ur the sweetest Ali: anyone would Carly: nah ur the 1st Carly: not just saying it to u get ur fairy wings Ali: had to fly away from that particular 🐔 plenty myself Ali: harmless and flightless though he is, most the time Carly: yea Carly: he talks about u wen hes been on it Carly: the 1 that flew away Ali: uh oh Ali: can't let a boy ✂ your wings Ali: ever Ali: ever Ali: 👼🏽 🐔 🐧 🐦 🐤 🐣 🐥 🦆 🦢 🦅 🦉 🦚 🦜 🦇 🐝 🦋 🐞 🦗 🦟 🐓 🦃 🕊 Carly: im 😕💫🙃 but idk if those were the guests i danced with Carly: did get a cute lil 🎶🎤 to fall asleep to tho 💙🕊 Carly: 🌚🌝🌛🌜🌞 Ali: very 👸 of you though Ali: I can 👀 it Carly: my ma is trying to make me clean Carly: 🐇🐁🐀🐿🦔🐾 pls Ali: also unacceptable Ali: not 'til you're better Ali: use my wings to fly through and 🤞 he don't get the wrong idea about who I'm there to see Carly: [sends her a pic of whatever caravan mess she caused last night that her mum is raging about] Carly: so u can play a game of spot whats got her 😠 Carly: cuz idk Ali: Fun 🧐🤔🤨 Ali: angry mothers are my forte Ali: [does the circling the hazzards moment on the pic] Carly: making her angry is mine but nah to knowing y ever ever Carly: k ur cute & smart Carly: 🌟 Ali: it's rarely logical, but 🤫 on that or it's hulk levels in 0-60 Ali: how are you this nice when you're 😷🤒🤕🤢🤮 Ali: that's a skill, rare one at that 💎✨ Carly: my da is looking green must of had his own 🎶🍻💃 ha Carly: idk i can b nicer? but k now i know ronan aint been talking bout me when hes 🍺 or 💊 Ali: can be a tea party for three Ali: have to bring his own 🎩 though Ali: not to me anyway Ali: but as you can tell Ali: 🐺 keeps all the 🐓🐓🐓 away Carly: 🐇🐇🐇♠️♣️♥️♦️🐇🐇🐇 Carly: she is fierce Ali: she likes to think so Ali: 🐶 really Carly: course ur not scared of her silly Carly: u love her Carly: im a 🐈 person ha Ali: [sends her a load of pictures of Bluebeard she didn't ask for rather than being like do I love her hmm] Carly: AW!!!! Carly: 🥰🤗 Ali: he's captain ☠🏴 but there's always room aboard Carly: thats the best offer ive had from a gentleman ever ever ever Carly: whats his name? Ali: Bluebeard Ali: and he is MOSTLY a gentleman if you can handle some toe nibbling Carly: 😍😍😍😍 Carly: into it Carly: ive done more for lads i just met who aint as beautiful so Ali: 😂 I feel that Ali: honestly, it's quite comforting, when he doesn't sneak attack you with it Carly: [sends her a selfie that shouldn't be as adorable as it is] Carly: now u can introduce us Carly: 👋 baby blue Ali: the 😍😍😍😍 are mutual Ali: I can tell Carly: yay Carly: 🧡 Ali: is there anything else you need/we want for the tea party? Ali: en-route at last Carly: ur really coming? Ali: yeah, sorry I was ages, it's a whole process brewing it Ali: also a dead giveaway you're 😷🤒🤕🤢🤮 which obvs my ma takes as her cue to be all Spanish inquisition about it Ali: 📚 of my mostly-fictional-but-which-are-and-which-aren't-mother exploits later Carly: sorry iou so much magic Ali: nah, don't worry about it 👸 Ali: who doesn't love a little scandal with their morning brew? she deffo does Carly: its too late im looking for 🍀 Carly: among the 🌼🌼🌼 Ali: awh Ali: I'm never turning down extra luck Ali: we can make daisy-chains Carly: its the dresscode Carly: soz da Ali: does he have a 🧔? Ali: that's a #look Carly: not rn Carly: my ma wasnt on @ me only to clean up Carly: he had his turn Ali: damn it Ali: maybe a nice belt Ali: I'll be 🤔 Carly: dont b 💔😢 he has bushy eyebrows Ali: same Ali: he's earnt his invite back Ali: your ma gonna have to chill though Ali: and it ain't that kinda tea 💔 Carly: you wont b able to tell if shes angry or surprised Ali: 😚 ⬅ I know the vibe Ali: you do you babe Carly: she used to let me sort em out but there was an accident Carly: which im sworn to secrecy about Ali: I'm so good with secrets 🙏🙏🙏 Carly: k Carly: my head zoned out but my hands kept going like Ali: you were meditating you can't help having  🌌🧠 Ali: I'll 🤭 now and never tell, don't worry Mrs W Carly: @ school yea im meditating on your q sir relax Carly: ha love that Ali: they just ask questions to answer it themselves, what is the point Carly: u coming for my ma again? Ali: 🤫 bad first impression, that Carly: shes heard it from ronan too sorry Carly: lad has loose lips Ali: honestly Ali: 🙄 can't keep up with my bad reputation Carly: ud think hed be better at kissing Carly: its talk talk talk Carly: more good things about u than ive made it seem like tho Ali: he was a big talker Ali: probably 'cos he ain't allowed with the lads Carly: if he talked about what a 👼 u are & how 💔😢 he is theyd uninvite him from the bonfire Carly: its sweet really how hung up hes got Ali: he only thinks I'm an 👼 'cos he took my virginity probs Ali: that's more suitable 🔥side chat Carly: he goes on about that alot but I thought he was lying Carly: oh no that sounds bad Carly: not calling u a slag ur obvs not its y he likes u more Ali: 😂 I'm fine with slag Ali: all definition dependent anyway Carly: yea same Carly: can be hot if ur in the mood Ali: right, and if I'm a slag 'cos I didn't marry him then I'll take it Carly: & hes not allowed to marry gorgers theyd wanna throw him in the 🔥 Ali: exactly Ali: we can't both be 💔😢 forever can we boy Carly: just me @ the party til u came to my rescue Ali: 🥺 Ali: What was he even on about then, like? Ali: dickhead Carly: idk i zone out wen he shouts @ me too Ali: I can always poison a cup and send it his way Ali: just say the word Carly: hes not that bad Ali: okay okay, just some laxatives Ali: 'cos he's a bit 💩 Carly: ha Ali: no 🌼🌼🌼 unless he says soz then Carly: but his beautiful curls 🥺 Ali: hmm, a good point Ali: be strong, baby Carly: ill throw one @ him & run away Carly: back to u Ali: you're so adorable Carly: says u Carly: 👼👸🏼 Ali: 💚 we're gonna have an adventure when the tea hits okay Ali: I've decided Carly: k thats the kinda 🎄🎅🤶🎁 it is Carly: i do want the energy of a kid on xmas morning Ali: that's the best Ali: how I'm tryna be every day Carly: 💫⭐️🌟✨⚡️☄️ 🚀🛸 Ali: if only 🚀 Ali: this bike can only go as fast as my lil legs can carry, like Carly: aw baby Carly: i shouldve asked u where u live before this 2nd rescue was launched Carly: im sorry Ali: No distance is too far for a fair maiden Carly: ill have to see what other 🔮 i can find before u get here Carly: dont love ious Ali: there's no ious Carly: [sending her loads of pics of her with or just pics of the cat lady's cats that she's rounding up for this tea party and they're adorable] Ali: 😍💞😻 Ali: okay, non-debt fully paid though Carly: [just rambling about the names she's given each cat cos her and cat lady don't know each other properly til Ali comes along and like facts about each cat/her fave things cos she's a big nerd] Ali: I love them Ali: I'm gonna get them some 🐟🐟🐟 when I get tea party tings Ali: some cream, awh, okay, this is happening Carly: im picking enough 🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼 for everyone Ali: should've put Bluebs in my basket Ali: next time Carly: aw Carly: Humbug might try & fight him Carly: youd b there to protect him tho Ali: I can ref Ali: my little brother is always trying to play-fight everyone so I'm well-versed Carly: is he ticklish? that works for me Carly: broken up lots of fights Ali: big time Ali: his kryptonite Ali: reckon it's against the rules in professional fights but preparing him for anything like any good big sister Carly: ha Carly: aw i bet ur an amazing sister Carly: if i had 1 maybe id wanna be on site sometimes Carly: my ma's eyebrows r hardly a call to home Ali: he might disagree but he's 5 so what does he know 😉 Ali: feel that though Ali: home is just a base, whole 🌍 out there Carly: wen ur 5 you argue to argue Carly: yea if u dont use ur wings theyll think u dont want em 💔😢 Ali: flying is like riding a 🚲 though Carly: r we goin on a 🚲 adventure? Ali: definitely Ali: ugh, need one of those wagons for the 😻😻😻s Carly: ☺️its gonna b so fun! Carly: we might meet more 🐈🐈🐈🐈 Ali: way better than 🐔 Carly: ha Carly: do u have 🔮 left to help me find shoes? Ali: have you checked the fridge? Carly: [a pause while she do] Carly: theyre not there 😕🧐 Ali: damn, that'd be the last place I'd look though Ali: were they in the mess your Ma was sounding off about fr Carly: o mayb Carly: if i was wearing any when you dropped me off Ali: 🤔 I don't know if I recall any glass slippers Ali: I'll ask Lene hold up Carly: 👸 energy Carly: but idk if i wanna scary 🐺 at my door Ali: turns out she's actually your 👵 Carly: ha my grandma is 💍 to god Carly: its not close to the energy shes putting out Ali: she'd probably tell your actual that God is a gay girl Ali: nah she's well 😇 around fam, just hide behind your Ma and me, baby, you'll be fine Carly: ha that wasn't in any of the kids bible stories she sent me every 🎄🎅🤶🎁 Carly: her god is 😠 than Humbug Carly: he likes to shout so i gotta zone out Carly: aw that's sweet ur ma loves her too? Ali: Hooray for Catholicism, yeah? 😏 Ali: she loves my Ma, more like Carly: we spend our sundays on our knees nana but its 🚽🤮 or u kno a bigger sin Carly: u do look like her i remember Ali: that's not QUITE 🚽🤮 levels but close 😂 Carly: nah its nice u have the same 👀💙✨ Carly: idk who i look like Carly: postman maybe Ali: now I don't know whether to 😳 or be 🤨 you like my Ma too Ali: you look like you and that's Ali: 💛 😍 😘 🥰 😚 👸 👼🏽 🐰 🌼 🌻 🌞 🍓 🍑 🍨 🍰 🍭 🍬 🎆 💜 Carly: yea 🤞🙏🌠 the postman isnt my da cuz hes a ride Carly: aw now youve got me 😳 Ali: rude, my postman is not Carly: 🚫💌 then baby Carly: ill text u instead Ali: so grumpy, don't stick your hand right into our house if you don't wanna get bitten, sir Ali: not by me, whatever Ronan has said Ali: though I'm well flattered I'm getting a text back Carly: ha its k its not that u use too much teeth Carly: & course ur my hero Carly: tho 🤞🙏🌠 wont b an sos every time Ali: good, can't have him putting you off with blatant lies Ali: it won't be if I do a better job at the heroics and get there before any bad shit can happen Carly: its k i like it Carly: helps me remember what i did Carly: 💔😢 no lads r spelling their names out in bruises for the who Carly: 🐇🐾🐇🐾🐇 Carly: nooo theres no better u could do Carly: ur flying to me faster than anyone has ever ever Ali: amateurs, like Ali: so rude, ain't they heard you're 👸 Ali: I'm basically there now, prepare for the best tea party you've ever been to Carly: aint wat theyve heard but idc Carly: yay 💙 i havent had 1 since me & my 🧸🧸🧸 Ali: I'll be 🎶🔊 it so get in the know lads Ali: awh, can I meet them too? Carly: not too 🔊 or ur gf will bite me which could b fun but im not trying to do u like 💔😢 Carly: some r shyer than others but if u work ur 🔮 how u did for me ull make friends Ali: fill your boots, babe, I don't reckon she's your type, like Ali: I'll be on my best behaviour 🤞 Ali: the loveliest guest you've ever had 🤞🤞 Carly: be fun though Carly: not boring Ali: 😲😲 Ali: Is that the impression I give off? Ali: or another Ronan tale, either way Ali: gonna have to prove otherwise now in the most extra ways imaginable Carly: nahhh Carly: he don't lie to me its his 1 saving grace Carly: its just like a pls Carly: to u & the universe Ali: I won't be boring Ali: trust me Carly: k Carly: i do ur a lifesaver Ali: nah Ali: just happy to help Carly: im happy we r mates Ali: me too Ali: idk why we weren't before, like Ali: too many people at school Carly: & i dont go much ha Ali: this is true Ali: lesser spotted walsh 🐦 Carly: oooh wat colours am i Ali: 💗💜💛🧡💗 Carly: cute Ali: very Carly: wats ur fave colour? Ali: It's a harder question than people reckon, that Ali: like, there's so many beautiful things of every colour Ali: if I can decide for the day, I feel like I'm doing a disservice to all the others Carly: sorry Carly: i havent decided on mine either Carly: when i was a lil kid it was 💛 for the 🌞 then wen i started goin out it was silver for wat i thought the 🌚 looked like Carly: but ive seen so many new colours since Ali: kids always know Ali: they're much smarter than adults about everything Carly: i bet ur lil bro is the smartest Carly: like u Ali: he likes red for 🚨❌🛑⛔️🚫💯‼️🥊🥤 Ali: and I see the appeal Carly: does he like 🍎? i kno somewhere that sells the reddest shiniest 1s Carly: or we cud just throw 🍅s Ali: he's at the anti-fruit stage Ali: but I reckon he could be convinced if we let him smother 'em in caramel and sprinkles Carly: its a date Ali: Me first

[grailbot143]

Our belated celebration of 64 followers!

Here is the second installment of SUDnD to celbrate one of the milestones we defined in the beginning. It has actually been a bit since we hit this milestone, but I was preoccupied. . .

I want to thank loreweaver, alvinnobody and delicious-anomalocaris for all the reblogs and thanks to everyone who comes back each week and reads and likes the stuff. Thanks to daiskken for the continued conversations each week.

Campaign: Crystal Gems

Session 2: Laser Light Cannon

MotelCalifornia: Alright, so Steven and Amethyst have decided to go to the fry shop while Pearl and Garnet stay on the Beach near the Temple? We’ll follow Steven and Amethyst for now. Fryman is in the store right now.

ShieldsNRoses: Hey, Fryman, give me the bits!

MotelCalifornia: It’s kinda late, so the shop is closed right now.

MotelCalifornia: Oh, uh he gestures to the closed sign and says *Fryman* Steven! We’re closed.

ShieldsNRoses: D: Aww, what?

AwesomeSaucem: imma beat on the counter Give 'em the bits! The bits, the bits...

ShieldsNRoses: The BITS! The BITS! The BITS!

MotelCalifornia: *Fryman* Okay, okay! Take it easy on the counter, will ya?

ShieldsNRoses: Yes!

AwesomeSaucem: Yes!

MotelCalifornia: He gives you the fry bits. They’re even more burnt than usual. I can give you actual fries if you want.

ShieldsNRoses: Just the bits, please. Thanks. @awesomesaucem Did we want to get anything else?

AwesomeSaucem: nah we dont need anything we head back to the beach

MotelCalifornia: Cool on your way back, you guys see two suns in the sky

Pearlescence: Two suns? I thought you said this world was basically Earth. A planet with two suns wouldn��t be anything like Earth.

MotelCalifornia: I’ll explain in a bit Let’s get everyone together first. But one of them seems to be getting bigger and the other one is setting

AwesomeSaucem: as were walking i wanna munch on stevens bits

ShieldsNRoses: have at it. Ah, sunset, my favorite time of day. When the sun goes down, and the second sun gets bigger and bigger in the sky.

AwesomeSaucem: lol Yeah, that big hot second sun

MotelCalifornia: You notice the second sun has a red eye

AwesomeSaucem: oh man not again!!!!!!! oh no, what is that doing here?

ShieldsNRoses: What is it?

AwesomeSaucem: I don’t wanna explain this I carry him to the others

ShieldsNRoses: Ah, my bits! *Rolls low*

Motel California: It was in your inventory, Shields, you didn’t have to. . . ah, never mind. We’re going back to Garnet and Pearl until you get to the beach.

STELLA: This is bad.

Pearlescence: I’m looking through the telescope. I want to roll to see how much I can remember about the red eye. *Rolls 10*

MotelCalifornia: It’s bigger than you remember, but you know it will likely crash into the city and kill people, including you.

Pearlescence: Look at the size of it, I had no idea these things were so big!

MotelCalifornia: Steven and Amethyst approach Pearl and Garnet on the beach.

AwesomeSaucem: still runnin and ive still got steven and im just yelling really loud Garnet! Pearl!

Pearlescence: I’m very angry that you guys weren’t with us when this all started. We saw. Some of us are trying to protect humanity. Where were you?

AwesomeSaucem: I put steven down Eating fry bits.

Pearlescence: Ugh

ShieldsNRoses: I wanna look through the telescope Oh, can I see? I see a giant eyeball Woah. It's a giant eyeball! Awesome!

Pearlescence: NOT awesome! It's a Red Eye!

ShieldsNRoses: A Red Eye?! It’s going to infect us all!

STELLA: That’s pink eye, Steven.

AwesomeSaucem: lmfao

Pearlescence: It’s going to crash into Beach City and crush us, along with a bunch of oblivious, innocent people! We have to stop it.

ShieldsNRoses: What are we going to do?

STELLA: The only thing powerful enough to destroy it is a Light Cannon that belonged to Rose Quartz.

ShieldsNRoses: My mom?

AwesomeSaucem: *ugh* if rose were here this would be so easy

Pearlescence: I know, but she’s not, and the cannon is missing. We’ll have to find another solution.

ShieldsNRoses: If it belonged to my mom, I bet my dad knows where it is. He can help us save the day!

Pearlescence: . . .

Amethyst: yea seriously

ShieldsNRoses: Huh? Eah?!

MotelCalifornia: Shields we hhavent decided your dads charatcer yet. I was hoping to bring him in later…

ShieldsNRoses: Well… why don’t we just make him like you? He’d be a perfect dad character

Pearlescence: Steven, he is your dad.

ShieldsNRoses: Exactly!

Pearlescence: I speak in a slow sweet voice: Greg is... nice, Steven, but I doubt Rose would entrust someone like him with such a powerful weapon.

MotelCalifornia: um

AwesomeSaucem: Your dad is kind of a mess, Steven.

MotelCalifornia: UM

Pearlescence: AMETHYST! You calling someone a mess makes it seem a little extreme…

AwesomeSaucem: I’m just sayin’, even if she did leave it with him, he probably broke it, or lost it, or dropped it in the ocean by now.

STELLA: TRUE

MotelCalifornia: Stella no not you too

ShieldsNRoses: Cmon guys No way, I’m sure he’s just keeping it somewhere safe. I’ll go ask him.

STELLA: WE CAN HANDLE THIS, STEVEN.

AwesomeSaucem: were way higher level than last time we can totally do this I bet that garnet could just throw me and it would beat it

STELLA: READY?

AwesomeSaucem: woah rly? HELLz ya lets do this

MotelCalifornia: Alright then roll for strength

STELLA: 19

MotelCalifornia: You pick up Amethyst and launch her at high speed directly at the redeyee. She makes it and it makes a neat thump when she bounces right off.

AwesomeSaucem: rly? with a 19? I bet a crit would knock it out of the sky we gotta keep trying

STELLA: OK

ShieldsNRoses: Uh, I’m gonna go. I head to town.

Pearlescence: (half-heartedly) ... Okay, good luck.

ShieldsNRoses: I’m banging on my dad’s van doors Dad, it’s me! Dad, are you in there? Wake up! We have to save... the— WORLD!

ShieldsNRoses: I climb on th van Dad! I think the van is like a mystry machine except more like ashtroids and shootin stars and planets

ShieldsNRoses: and a purple and white Mr. Universe real big on the side

MotelCalifornia: hm, you trip on top of the van and set off a car alarm

ShieldsNRoses: :)

MotelCalifornia: Greg bursts out of the van with a waffle iron *Greg* Who’s there? I have a waffle iron!

ShieldsNRoses: Dad, it’s me!

MotelCalifornia: Greg looks on top of the van. *Greg:* Steven? I almost waffled your face! What are you doing up so late?

ShieldsNRoses: whatdya meen? the sun just went down like an our ago

MotelCalifornia: *Greg* Oh, heh. It was a... slow day at the car wash. Anyway, what’s up? Just needed to see your old man, pal around, learn some lessons about life?_

ShieldsNRoses: NO!!! I need the lite cannon that belonged to mom to blow up that eyeball

MotelCalifornia: *Greg* Eyeball?

ShieldsNRoses: *pointing at it* that!!!

AwesomeSaucem: just as greg is looking at it he sees me flyin up and smack into it Raaaah!!!

MotelCalifornia: *Greg* Wait, is that a magical thing? The Gems told me not to get involved with magic stuff. It... it could be dangerous or interfere with what’s left of my hair. Greg rubs his long luscious hair.

AwesomeSaucem: lol. . . long lushus hair cept the bald part on top

ShieldsNRoses: But they need Mom’s cannon. You've gotta know where it is, like a cave dungeon or a cloud fortress, or in a clam at the bottom of the ocean!

MotelCalifornia: *Greg* Well, I don’t know about all that but I have an idea where it might be.

ShieldsNRoses: A magical storage unit!

MotelCalifornia: *Greg* Ha, not exactly. But some would say there’s magic inside. *winks at Steven* It’s just a shed I use to keep things that don’t fit in the van. If it’s anywhere, it’ll be in here. Greg opens the door and reveals a shed a well organized shed.

Pearlescence: I hope you don’t mean as well organized as your actual shed.

AwesomeSaucem: lol ya just pakced top to botom w/ junk

ShieldsNRoses: if imma go in there Imma gonna need some gear.

MotelCalifornia: It’s not junk. I save everything for a reason! There’s some really important stuff in there!

MotelCalifornia: umm, I mean Greg has a reason for everything he saves.

ShieldsNRoses: I tie a flash lite to my head with a sok and elecktric cord around waste here I go

MotelCalifornia: *Greg* Good luck!

ShieldsNRoses: I crawl in on my hands and knees woa, cool! Its like a dad museum.

AwesomeSaucem: see that pic of the cat with the ball of yarn? Mabe some mattresses? Newspapers?

MotelCalifornia: A dad museum? Roll for investigation

ShieldsNRoses: There it is! *rolls 3*

MotelCalifornia: If by IT you mean golf clubs...You pull them down on top of yourself

ShieldsNRoses: Do you golf?

MotelCalifornia: *Greg* Eh, I’d like to think of myself as someone who would golf... eventually.

Pearlescence: There are probably a lot of weapons in there. I seem to recall you having a harpoon gun. I’m fairly sure I saw an arrow sticking out of a file box!

AwesomeSaucem: Oooh, and that sweet mask, shield and drum from Africa. Have you even been to Africa?

Pearlescence: I think I remember you having a refrigerator also. And a Japanese lantern.

MotelCalifornia: Alright guys. . . Steven, Roll again?

ShieldsNRoses: hmm, yes! *rolls a 6*

MotelCalifornia: You find a drum. Again?

ShieldsNRoses: No! I smack the drum first!

MotelCalifornia: Ok. It makes a thump sound. Roll

ShieldsNRoses: No, no... Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh! Is this *rolls a 4*

MotelCalifornia: A t-shirt cannon? Why yes, yes it is!

ShieldsNRoses: cool, I shootit

MotelCalifornia: A t-shirt comes out of it.

ShieldsNRoses: ooh it says buy tshirt cannons

Pearlescence: Now that I think about it, you have a lot of sports things in there, don’t you? A croquet set, tennis balls, rackets?

AwesomeSaucem: mabe u can find some of your dads old music in there

ShieldsNRoses: YES! I roll to find some music *rolls 18*

MotelCalifornia: really? You find a box full of CDs

ShieldsNRoses: hey, there’s a bunch of copies of your old CD! I put one in my pockit

MotelCalifornia: *Greg* Huh. Oh, man, I couldn’t give those things away. You know, before I ran the car wash, when I was a one-man band, I traveled the whole country.

ShieldsNRoses: lol I know, Dad.

MotelCalifornia: *Greg* When I came to play a concert here in Beach City, no one showed up

MotelCalifornia: *Greg* _except . . . _

ShieldsNRoses: An ALLIGATOR!

MotelCalifornia: What? I thought you’d say your mom. . . *Greg* No, it was your mother.

ShieldsNRoses: Hahaha, I know.

MotelCalifornia: *Greg* And we were always together after that. Until she gave up her physical form to bring you into the world. I don’t know what a magic lady like her ever saw in a plain old dope like me. roll again to find the cannon?

ShieldsNRoses: *rolls 1*

MotelCalifornia: you break something under your knee

Pearlescence: A photo frame of Greg and Rose

ShieldsNRoses: What?! uhh, dad I broke a photo.

MotelCalifornia: roll again?

ShieldsNRoses: *rolls 14*

MotelCalifornia: *Greg* It’s okay buddy. If every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn’t have hot dogs. You see the cannon glow

ShieldsNRoses: Huh? The light cannon!

MotelCalifornia: Greg is ignoring Steven distracted by the red eye *Greg* Oh boy, that thing’s giving me the willies.

ShieldsNRoses: Dad I found it!

MotelCalifornia: *Greg* Really?

ShieldsNRoses: tying cord around cannon Get the van!

MotelCalifornia: ok Greg ties the other end of the cord rope to the van, then drives it forward until the cannon is out.

Pearlescence: Wouldn’t that cause everything else to come out with it?

MotelCalifornia: …yes.

ShieldsNRoses: This thing could save the city, we've gotta get it to the beach!

MotelCalifornia: *Greg* How? It’s too big for the van. rolls 3 …um. a wagon rolls by?

ShieldsNRoses: That’s perfect! We can just put the cannon into the wagon!

Pearlescence: Steven… I don’t think that any wagon that Greg is going to own will be strong enough to hold the cannon.

ShieldsNRoses: well its what we got…. it has to work

MotelCalifornia: alright Steven we’ll roll for it Easy does it. Greg puts the cannon on the wagon. Steven, roll?

ShieldsNRoses: *rolls 8* Is it gonna be okay?

MotelCalifornia: The bottom falls out and the cannon hits the ground. the rest of the wagon is in good shape though. *Greg* shrugs If every pork chop were perfect...

ShieldsNRoses: We wouldn’t have hot dogs! I tie the wagon to the van. It might be able to pull it like this?

MotelCalifornia: Sure. roll

ShieldsNRoses: *rolls 17*

MotelCalifornia: That should work. We get in the van and drive to the beach, the cannon dragging sparks behind us.

MotelCalifornia: Greg is really disturbed by the enlarged Red Eye. That thing’s getting huge, it's freaking me out.

ShieldsNRoses: Can’t the van go any faster?

MotelCalifornia: This is faster.

AwesomeSaucem: Ugh this is takign 4evr

Pearlescence: It has been a while.

ShieldsNRoses: Oh I know! Finding dad’s music earlier got this in my haed! Don’t worry. Come on, let’s put on your CD.

MotelCalifornia: uh What? Really? Come on, you’ve heard it. Steven, please no

ShieldsNRoses: You come on. youtube song Let me drive my van into your heart!

MotelCalifornia: We get to the beach

AwesomeSaucem: G r u still thowin me? that would be hilarious

STELLA: OK

AwesomeSaucem: Sweet! Throw me again, I think I’m cracking it.

MotelCalifornia: You guys notice the van coming up with the cannon draggign on the beach behind it.

AwesomeSaucem: Is that... ?

ShieldsNRoses: Hey, guys!

Pearlescence: I imagine Pearl would be very surprised. He really had it!

AwesomeSaucem: We’re SAVED!!!

MotelCalifornia: Red Eye’s gravity begins to pull everything towards it, causing rumbling and destruction. The fryshop sign falls over.

AwesomeSaucem: no not the fry shop!

MotelCalifornia: shingles are coming off the roofs, telephone poles are being pulled towards the eye, the wind is crazy

STELLA: WE HAVE TO USE IT NOW

Pearlescence: I don’t remember how she activated it. I think it was a password. I don’t know how it works, it was Rose’s!

ShieldsNRoses: Dad, how do we use it?

MotelCalifornia: I can’t just tell you that. I don’t think greg would know anywho

Pearlescence: Steven, this is serious. The gem. You have Rose’s gem.

AwesomeSaucem: a pwd or did she tap it with her gem? That’s it! I grab steven and rub him on the cannon

MotelCalifornia: that doesn’t work

AwesomeSaucem: Ah, come on!

STELLA: STOP THAT

Pearlescence: Can we get a hint? Your puzzles aren’t usually this difficult.

MotelCalifornia: I figured you guys wouldn’t remember so I’ve already given you hints.

Pearlescence: Ugh. It’s no use.

AwesomeSaucem: Fine, forget it. Throw me again.

Pearlescence: That’s not going to work.

MotelCalifornia: The gravitational pull intensifies and pulls the van and cannon.

MotelCalifornia: Greg unhooks cord from cannon *Greg:* I got this. *rolls 2* *Greg:* Ugh, wait, nope, maybe I don’t!

ShieldsNRoses: I start talkin to the canon Please work, unlock, activate, go, please! Everyone’s counting on you, you can’t just be useless! I know you can help. i gotta be able to find the password if i just keep talkin rite?

MotelCalifornia: That’s actaully pretty good. I’ll give you another hint. *Greg:* It’s okay, Steven. We’ll figure out something else, something even better.

ShieldsNRoses: right… if every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn’t have hot dogs.

MotelCalifornia: that’s right! you activate the cannon.

Pearlescence: It’s working!

MotelCalifornia: The cannon starts folding out like rose petals it shines bright pink, then it falls forward and is now aimed at the horizon

ShieldsNRoses: the horizon?! where is the red eye?

MotelCalifornia: almost diagonal up in the sky

ShieldsNRoses: I try to lift the cannon

MotelCalifornia: roll for strength

ShieldsNRoses: *rolls 19*

MotelCalifornia: hold on let me look at your character sheet

MotelCalifornia: ok you do a good job lifting it. But its still too heavy for you to get it all the way.

Pearlescence: Steven! We’ll help! *rolls 16*

AwesomeSaucem: This is it! *rolls 18* this is gonna be sweet

STELLA: BRACE YOURSELVES *rolls 20*

MotelCalifornia: I’m glad I get to use this again. It explodes and *rolls* falls destroying parts of the city boardwalk. a giant crack in the ground. Mr Frymans car falls into the crack

AwesomeSaucem: Steven, you just saved most of Beach City!

ShieldsNRoses: poor mr fryman Sorry about that!

Pearlescence: How did you get it to work?

ShieldsNRoses: I just said that thing that Dad always says.

Pearlescence: That thing about pork rinds?

STELLA: Hot dogs.

MotelCalifornia: Greg tears up remmemberin Rose Rose...

AwesomeSaucem: yo wudnt all dat destruction hit da water and cos a big wave?

MotelCalifornia: ya probably

AwesomeSaucem: wudnt it carry ur van away?

MotelCalifornia: *Greg* My van!

ShieldsNRoses: It’s okay, Dad, if every pork chop were perfect

MotelCalifornia: *Greg* I LIVE in there! apparently

ShieldsNRoses: Wait up! I run to ward van

MotelCalifornia: Greg goes running after his van *Greg* Oh geez, wait, wait, wait!

MotelCalifornia: ok guys I think that’s enough for this week. That was a pretty good session I think.

Pearlescence: I agree! You were doing a great job today Steven!

ShieldsNRoses: Thanks! I tried my best. Saucem and Stella were being the funniest though.

AwesomeSaucem: ya i no im great

MotelCalifornia: Alright so let’s meet up again next time. We’ll be heading to the Sea Spire for this one.

Pearlescence: Oh, how lovely! I’ve always liked the Sea Spire. I can’t help but imagine it as being very majestic. I’ll see you all then.

AwesomeSaucem: ttyl

ShieldsNRoses: Bye!

MotelCalifornia: Cya then.

[patchdotexe]

So, I have a character who is a system, and I wanted to know before I develop them further, how does DID work, from a personal account? I really really really don't want to accidentally create yet another TOXIC misinterpretation of a real condition (because I know how horrible that can feel), and I hope I'm not saying anything wrong even now. (P.S. I love your blog, but I'm too shy to come off anon.)

hey anon!! it means a LOT to me that you sent this message :D theres a lot of really messy-bad potrayals of DID in the media so seeing people actually going to the effort of asking systems abt their experiences is really heartwarming for us. (plus the fact that ppl keep asking us in specific abt system stuff omg,,)

im gonna preface this by saying that, in the end, i can only really talk about my own experiences with full confidence. systems can work pretty differently from each other, but this is how we function and also some details ive noticed from system friends + general discussion over the years

so, to start off: Dissociative Identity Disorder is, at its core, your brain trying to respond to trauma in a pretty severe way. that being said there ARE systems that didnt experience severe trauma and still developed, and im not really sure about the mechanics behind that but i find it really cool and it totally exists. im gonna focus on trauma-based systems bc that’s our ~tragic backstory~ and also tends to be what most people opt for when creating system characters anyway, but the only real difference from what i can tell is, uh, a lack of trauma.

I HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR ME TO SAY THE WORD “TRAUMA” A WHOLE LOT JFC

(system friends are welcome to reblog with corrections or added info!!)

anyway. the way your brain responds to things is really weird. if something happens where you’re just, like, completely unable to handle it, like you dissociate yourself so hard because there’s no way you can manage this, your brain has a chance of going “uh… well, fuck, uh” and generating somebody who can manage it. or it might decide to be a dick and take all of the fucky internalized garbage and turn it into a person whose sole existence is to be an asshole. (they have the potential to get better, i think… ours didnt.) honestly theres a bunch of reasons and a bunch of “roles” that could lead to an alter/headmate* forming.

* we use the terms interchangeably depending on mood and whos fronting. i think its supposed to be “alter” is DID, “headmate” is implication that theyre non-traumatic? we like using “headmate” because it brings this fun mental image of us being a bunch of roommates constantly starting shit with each other and goofing off which is pretty accurate about 75% of the time

i keep getting distracted bc my cat is here. this is gonna be fun to go back and edit.

whatever the original situation is, you’re suddenly not alone in your own brain. and it’s REALLY WEIRD. communication was VERY hard. Icarus, our system original, used to do a very “cliche” thing of sharing a journal with their early headmates, where theyd write a sentence and then theyd write a reply (although back then they didnt realize that was a system-related thing and just thought they were having a fun conversation with their ocs. which… they were, just. Actually Talking.) they didnt have any inward perception of themself or their headmates either, so that kinda built up over time (with some help) along with the appearance of our headspace so that there was… actually a location for people to interact in. once they had a better awareness of things, mental communication got a bit easier– its sort of like background chatter really, when everybody’s awake. sometimes i get weird out of context things from Mae yelling at somebody, or sometimes ill be talking to a friend and someone’ll butt in.

when talking out loud, this usually leads to us suddenly stopping and then laughing or going “no!!!”. when on discord and around people who know who we are… well.

speaking of Mae, she’s pretty much my sister. not like… biologically? because i don’t think thats possible for me, but shes kinda literally my “other half” which ill get into later. headmates can have strong attachments to other alters! friends, best friends, family, dating, whatever. they can also do that with people outside the system, and itll be different for each headmate. there’s like 4 people dating Jorb but i just see him as one of my best friends. we’re people and we have complex social interactions that can get to be kind of a nightmare when you’re around a bunch of people who don’t know that you’re Not Leo and that youre suddenly not super up to existing around people in general.

plus even if like… so Jorb’s dating 4 of us like i said, but his relationship w/ each of them is different? Ica is very clingy and likes rambling to him, Summer’s pretty much just always happy to hang out, Mae makes fun of him a lot but in a loving way, and Leo is… kinda “all of the above” because that’s his gimmick. plus even tho a few other alters have a sibling-ish relationship with Mae like i do, usually its just me and Mae that do the “chaos siblings” bit.

the basic system.. thing… is that there’s “front”, which is being in control of the body– so, like, i’m currently fronting/in front, because im the one currently active and using our computer and staring at our cat.– and then theres the headspace, where everybody hangs out when theyre not in front. the headspace itself can differ in style & functionality for each system, and i think theres some systems that dont really have a location at all? but for us its like a full on location where we have individual rooms, places to visit if we get bored while away from front, etc.

theres also like, being at/near/away from front? so currently im in front, but Leo is pretty much always lurking nearby if he’s awake (we have individual sleep schedules that dont always sync up to the “irl” one, Trust is almost always sleeping), Ica’s somewhat in the back talking to Rookie so i cant really make out what theyre saying (its probably about either a youtube thing they both like or about a comic they want to do), and everyone else is either asleep (in which case they could be nearby but i cant currently “ping” them, so id have to actually take a sec to ground myself in headspace more) or in a different room. communication is easier if im in front and somebody is nearby, or it can be like with Ica rn where im like “well, theyre talking, but i have no idea what theyre saying and am making a guess based off their usual interactions”, or i could pass off front to go talk to Ica and come back (in which case my memory would be kind of vague and weird because information doesnt always properly translate), oooor i could actually go bug them while still in front. which.. im not gonna do rn bc then id get super distracted.

switching front differs between systems a lot! and even varies from day to day. like there are days where we wake up and we have absolutely no idea who we are bc we went to bed as one person and woke up as another. or we could be talking to somebody and then realize “wait, i stopped being Leo a bit ago, who am i”. or we could pass off front to somebody, like if Summer really wanted to front sie’d run up to me and let me know and we’d swap. or if something critical happens (usually a breakdown), Leo or one of the other headmates that’re more built to handle stressful situations will literally drag somebody out of front to make sure they dont hurt themself. or sometimes we throw front at people unexpectedly, like either mid-breakdown where we go “okay i dont wanna be here anymore, tag youre it” or sometimes because we think its funny because its the metaphysical equivalent of getting clonked in the head with a dodgeball, except the dodgeball is “being in control of our shared physical form”. usually mae’s the one that does that lmao

there’s a couple major categories of how alters come about. there’s “walk-ins”, where they kinda just… appear externally? like they just show up. sometimes we get a feeling of “huh. i think somebody might be here? or somebody might be showing up soon.” and have to rummage around for a while until they approach us or we find them. our walk-ins aren’t like, inherently aware of system stuff at first, so they usually get a crash course before they first front (if they choose to front at all) and it can be kinda entertaining. Rookie’s a walk-in! also Hiro, from a couple years ago. most of our walk-ins are fictives (fictional characters, usually appearing in response to us getting extremely attached to something or somebody) but a couple of our trauma splits are also fictives so that’s not like, a Rule or anything. i think these are mostly associated with non-traumatic systems but we get em fairly often so man idk

theres also… uh, i dunno what theyre actually called? we used to call them “constructs” but that sounds kind of mean. these alters exist to fill a specific role! and we usually dont talk about them on here with the exception of one major one, they just kinda hang out. Dhe exists to keep the system stable and manages the “backend” so to speak. Imp is kind of a mix of our intrusive & impulsive thoughts that came about from us trying to separate ourself from them so that we had an imaginary entity to go “nope!” at, which… stopped being imaginary, and is now a gremlin that lives in my brain. they can show up in response to trauma but arent split off of somebody, they kinda just pop into existence to help manage things.

the more… well-known, i guess? alter origin is “trauma splits”. rather than “just showing up one day with no real connection to the system origins”, trauma splits are formed when somebody in-system, uh, splits. it could be in response to a single situation or something built up over a long time, but somebody just kinda breaks and somebody new that has a bit of the original alter’s identity (if kinda influenced by the situation) shows up.

this can vary. All is a trauma split off of Leo himself, who got saddled with all of our brain hell about our ex and their insystem appearance is influenced more by eir than by leo which is… something they struggle with. Mae has a trauma split from a similar situation that is “Mae but from 2 years ago”, so basically her old identity before she reworked herself after getting put through total hell. and then uh… then there’s me and Mae! Icarus quite literally exploded into several people, with Pat (me) and Mae being the most distinct ones. we’re STILL finding out alters used to originally be a part of them that later evolved into their own people, like Summer and Toby. my identity is shaped pretty heavily not just by who Ica was at time of splitting, but also what they wanted to be jumbled together with trying to rationalize what was happening to them (they’re a pretty big fan of megaman star force, which has a media-typical system in it, so they leaned into hard “its like pat and rey from mmsf! i like pat, i wouldnt mind being like pat, its scary but im like one of my current favourite characters” and so i ended up being like, half-weird shapeshifter, half-green-haired prettyboy. and yeah thats where my name comes from!)

(Ica got put back together w/o anybody needing to integrate, which we were all very scared about, and it’s still kind of surreal to me because… me and Mae used to be able to stick ourself back together and thats how we found out about what happened to Ica in the first place? and we havent tried that since bc we have no idea what would happen. Ica 2: Ica Harder?)

despite their origins, trauma splits can be way more than… being a split. :V;; Toby’s not just a tiny splinter of Ica, he’s a quiet guy that gets stressed out and isn’t totally sure how to interact with people. i’ve existed for like 7 years at minimum and im a totally different person than i was when i thought i was still Ica, ‘cause ive had time to grow and change (and a problem Ica keeps running into now that theyre back is… they kinda Didn’t change because they were MIA for 6 years.) like everything else though this is variable– there can be “temporary” splits that dont develop properly and might get integrated back in, which has only happened to us when we were at the lowest point in our life where we were stuck constantly splitting to try and cope with whatever the hell was going on.

so Ica was gone for 6 years, which meant our system was without an original or main– there wasn’t anybody to be head of the system, basically. for a while i was operating under the assumption that i was Ica, so i filled in that role for a few years before i made the realization. eventually i kinda… stopped being able to, though, bc of stability issues, and then we were back to not really having a proper main anymore. to make up for it, we started going by Leo collectively and kinda… trying to pretend to be a single person? and so that ended up creating a construct to fill the role of “system main and the person we pretend to be when passing as singlet/not a system”: Leo himself! he’s kinda the most prominent traits we all have in common rolled into a single guy, which means that not only is he a pretty good system representative but we can also pretend to be him pretty easily (unless it’s someone like Toby who acts totally different). i dont know how common this situation is, i think normally it’s just “if system original is gone, another alter steps up” like originally happened to us before i had a severe case of problems disorder.

uhhh this is very rambley bc there’s a Lot to cover and now im trying to figure out how much of it i HAVE covered. systems are complicated and weird! OH WAIT okay i have one last bit.

so like, for us, first realizing we were a system was total hell. we fought a lot. as more alters showed up through various means, there were times where Ica felt like they were completely out of control of their own life bc of having to manage everything. there were a lot of panic attacks of people fronting and not being sure they were even REAL, despite… being in front. but we still felt like we were deluding ourself. this was in, like, late 2011, so systems weren’t a THING. they were a very fringe community that everyone hated. we got constantly harassed, which only fed into Ica’s panic hell and our identity issues. interpersonal relationships became a nightmare, especially because we have BPD as well which varies in severity for each of us but… for me it’s pretty bad! there were times early on where every day was another fun new breakdown from us arguing with each other or our friends or not being understood or… etc.

so… how are we holding up ~7 and a half years later? pretty well, actually! we talk to each other. we do things for each other, like buy food or games we know specific headmates like. Ica is back and way happier than they were in 2011, and is thrilled to get to hang out with everybody that’s showed up since. we help each other through problems, because at the end of the day our system ended up being a support network. Ica couldnt function on their own, so we’re like… 10+ people working together to try and be a single functional person. and we feel pretty okay with that! we still fight, and we still start shit, but we’re not in constant crisis anymore. we’re still working through all of our trauma, especially the more “recent” stuff that kinda broke our system for a while until we were able to start rebuilding, but we’re doing it together. :D

so… yeah, it can start out as a stereotypical “nightmare system”, with constant infighting and toxicity and self-sabotage and etc. but we worked through it! it took a while, but we’re overall more stable than we were before. we got out of the bad environment that was fucking us up, we got mental help for our other brain hell (we havent been able to bring up the system to our therapists bc its literally a non-issue now and we focus more on other things like our depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc), we found people that support us for being us, and we were able to like… figure things out. and it was a mess! i still have issues about my own identity because of literally thinking i was someone else for two years. Ica’s still trying to figure out how to adjust to things, especially bc they missed our entire “cringe culture” phase so they came back to find that i’d dismantled a lot of their middle-school settings. and, uh, some of their friendships as well.

systems are fuckin weird

[musubiki]

Oh my gosh! Every time i see your hc bullets ... my head EXPLODES!! They’re sooo goood

djfhhHHHHDHD ILL MAKE A SEPARATE POST FOR WHITE/FWS So HERES HOW LEAF AND WHITE MET (so far..i think..)

➞

leaf travels to (either hoenn or sinnoh i havent decided yet) and coincidentally, white is also there. 

the events of frlg/bw take place around roughly the same time, so when leaf is out journeying, white is out there looking for N(and meantime getting stronger and stronger)

ANYWAY at some point, they end up at the same place at the same time and oh look! its the regions evil team here to take everyones pokemon! so naturally leaf and white both have that kind of ‘everyone move im about to kick this guys ass’ kind of mood, so they get everyone else out of there and it ends up at like, 12 grunts vs the two of them. 

white is more of the protective type (and she has no idea who leaf even is, same vice versa) so shes like “Stay behind me, this could get rough!” and leaf is like “Oh, thanks but I can handle too.” and they both whip out their pokemon teams and they are fuckin killer duo 

whites all pleasantly surprised because wow, haven't seen someone this strong in a while!!!! what the hell!!!!!! shes only half paying attention to the battle and like, cheering for leaf

after the battle the grunts are scared shitless. “Y-you monsters!!!!!” “Who ARE you people?????” theyre shook. white spits out some arrogant jab. probably about their hair or something and they run off. she turns to leaf with a big “Not bad!!!!!! That was HELLA cool!”

after this they chat, get some food, end up hanging out a lot. they never battle each other, but they let their pokemon play around together and the way their personalities fit is great and they become best friends easily

Leaf tells her shes just a wandering explorer(this is about. a year into her journey) and white tells her shes out here because shes been looking for someone. leaf offers to help her look because hey, ive been meaning to see the region anyway, so they end up exploring (sinnoh probably) together!!!! dppt doesnt happen for another 1-2 years.

they talk a lot about…their boys.,.,.,,. and ngl leaf likes being around white bc she reminds her of green. like a slightly nicer version of him. and leaf kind of reminds white of n she likes the calmingness of being around her. 

white tells leaf a lot about N and what they went through and leaf the whole time is like wow. you guys really had something(shes also shook bc her journey was nowhere near as epic as whites)

and leaf tells white about green and white is like “oh OH I GOTTA SEE HIM YOU GOT A PICTURE” shes shocked when she sees the picture leaf has of him. “damn hes hot girl what you doing give him a call”

white actually pushes leaf to call him. leaf makes up every excuse but whites not having it HERE, i got the gyms phone, heres a dollar for the pay phone, now go talk to your boyfriend before he hooks up with someone else.

green doesnt pick up (because of timezones) but it goes to his voicemail and theres. his voice. snarky arrogant lovely green over the phone with a “Hey! You’ve reached the Viridian Gym, leave a name and number and I’ll get back to you! Smell ya!” and leaf. just kinda stands there for a while. and keeps calling just to hear his voice until she runs out of quarters

WHEN WHITE FINALLY MEETS GREEN IS.,., probably at the pokemon world tournament. or during this other story that ive been trying to develop and i havent posted anything about it yet but i kinda wanna do it

but when she first sees him hes bantering with and teasing leaf so she MARCHES HER ASS OVER(she forgot what he looks like already) AND FIRST IMPRESSION “Hey! Back off creep, what do you think you’re doing?” 

and green is. who the fuck is this. “Excuse me?” he kinda sneers out and leafs like oh no. white its okay hes my friend- and white. is white, and cuts her off with “Well that doesn’t sound like a friend” shes just concerned for leaf and shes. white shes very rash she doesn’t think

to which green just “Oh and you think you are huh?” white scoffs “Listen guy, I’ve known this girl for 3 years. I think I can call her my friend, how long have you known her, 20 minutes?”

AND GREEN WITH THE MOST SNARKY ARROGANT FACE “20 years.” and white just oh. taken aback l,ike oh my bad.leaf who is this guy. and leafs just “This is…Green…oak…” and whites like OH OH ITS THAT GUY “Yeah its that guy” 

she playfully punches greens arm “My bad dude, you’re cool.” and immediately goes back to being chill and hes “?????????”

hdjffj sometimes their interactions are so. petty. bc green likes leaf and he like wants to be around her 24/7. and whites like uhhh i havent seen her like like 2 years can we have like girl time pls.

they fight about who leafs REAL best friend is

also white is leafs #1 wingman. she purposely says shady shit and plans outtings and doesnt show up so it turns into a date for them

when leaf and white actually fight (probably the world tournament) theyre the last two. whoever wins this fight is the strongest trainer, and its actually

white

white wins and shes actually the strongest protagonist. leaf is in. shock bc she hasnt lost in a long time.

afterwards white goes to find leaf and she feels kinda bad. but leaf tells her its ok because she always felt like she had to live up to some sort of expectation to be the best and its kinda nice not having that anymore

(ofc leaf still lives on in folklore of being the legendary trainer, but officially, its white)

[rosefromc0ncret3]

hoping for more good days.

been feeling so sad again lately. when am I not sad these days? been really wanting to seek mental health services again so I can get professional help. cried to my hr this morning cuz I wanted to inquire about therapy and when she asked if I was okay, all I told her was that ive been feeling really sad lately. we both shared a moment of sadness together lol, it was comforting knowing that im not alone with how ive been feeling. but it just sucks. teared up as I was talking to her and I wish I could find a way to just be happier. cue blue and grey, just wanting to be happy. been thinking a lot about how I treat people and wondering if I purposely push people away without knowing it. thats my own pain that I have to deal with and sort out, but I always wonder if I project that onto others or if im hurting other people unintentionally by doing that. I guess I just get bummed cuz this past summer and how many months have been some of the hardest months I had to go thru this year and I felt like I needed a lot of space. and I felt like I had to look inwardly for that. and now that I want to reach out to people and talk, it seems like I dont have anyone to talk to anymore. or maybe I should think of it in a way where I dont take it so personal. like it has nothing to do with me. cuz even tho im super struggling during this time, I have to keep in mind that other folks are as well.. idk. I guess I just miss when I knew I could call someone and they’d be there. maintaining friendships during this time has been so hard. and I feel like ive been forced to face a lot of past shit that ive been suppressing and trying to let go of my own toxic habits and traits. trying my best to be patient with myself. but I cant help but feel like a bad person or feel hella selfish when I have to put myself first. idk, I also get hella butthurt when I try to reach out to people and they aren't there. cuz it makes me feel like im not important. or it makes me feel like im just not worth talking to. I always say this, but I wish my worth wasn't linked to what other people think of me. or how often they reply to me. I find myself always comparing myself to other people when I know that doesn't help. doesn't give me any solutions whatsoever, and if anything it just makes me feel more like shit. idk, ive been hella crying cuz in short I feel so lonely. so extremely lonely. and idk what to do anymore. idk who to turn to and idk what to even say these days cuz at the root of it, I just feel incredibly lonely. like I have no one to talk to. no one to listen to me. and especially no one who understands me. sometimes, I get kinda triggered when folks say to reach out to someone I trust cuz I feel like idk who I can talk to like that now. I feel like this pandemic has just enhanced so many of my feelings and I get so overwhelmed with how I feel and idk how to navigate them. everyone around me just seems so happy and it seems like im the only one hella struggling with my own emotions during this time. like I dont know who to even talk to cuz I dont want to just bring the mood down. or be seen as someone who's just hella sad all the time. I want to be able to process these emotions on my own, but it just gets rly hard sometimes cuz idk how else to express it... besides cry. been thinking a lot about how I just handle these emotions and its like idek what to do with them. I hope in the future I can be better at navigating things. my hr told me today that the first step to trying to be happy and better is taking action. and the limbo is always the hardest part. I also have to remind myself that taking action can mean a lot of things. even something like this, taking my time, and researching different resources around me. sigh. I hope in the future I can be abundant in many ways. financially, academically, and in love too.. whether platonic, familial, or romantic. I hope to be so strong and secure in my character that these thoughts dont shatter or take over me. and I won't believe them either. sigh. deep breaths in. and deep breaths out. hoping for better days always. here's to one step closer to those better days and feeling loved and fulfilled. 

[textic]

R❤️

where do i begin?

these 3 months have been nothing but a rollercoaster ride.

but an amazing and thrilling one.

ive never described or talked about someone i loved on my blog becuz… all they do was hurt me .

i used to spent my night, drowning in my tears, praying to God to take the pain away. praying that i’ll find someone better. praying that i will be strong enough to let go of someone SO atrocious and toxic. getting treated as if i’m the worse person in the world. getting reminded of how regretful and dreadful it is to be with me. getting blamed for everything I do. getting used. there’s alot more of what i’ve been through.. but i don’t wanna get into the details.

my point is, after everything I have been through, i didnt expect myself to come across u, R. u were of course, not a perfect guy. u still make mistakes. but the way u kept to ur words…. got me shook bruhhh!!!! telling me u will change, and u are slowly making progress…. I have never met someone who is so loving, devoted, affectionate, patient….. oh god idk the right words to describe him , he is just so-so extraordinary. im such a complicated person and he still wants to handle me(which so many guys said the same thing and still fail to handle me so baby, dont fail me pls). no matter how bad our fight is, he doesnt want to give up on me, even if he say it, he will still come back, apologising to me and telling me how much he really wants to be with me and how much i mean to him. we started talking in April and dated a month after that haha. in these 3 months, whatever i want in someone, he showed it to me. someone who is just as obsessed as i am. the way he looks at me when im not looking . the way he admires my face. the way he smiles when im talking to him(idk if he paid attention). the way he holds my face and looks me into the eye and admires me. the way he holds my hand and kisses it randomly. the way he tells me he loves me . the way he describes how blessed he is to have me. the way he accepts me for my abhorrent past. no, we both accept each other no matter abhorrent our past is.

he is a gem, a truly an angel sent from God. sometimes i think to myself, how did i ever get so lucky to have met such a wonderful guy? that,i have to thank God for bringing him into my life.

I can be me when I am with you—I hope you feel the same way too. i cant wait to meet you again and spend time with you and admiring ur face, telling u how much i love you. i wanna share my favourite paragraph from my fav movie, Love, Rosie.

“You deserve someone who loves you with every single beat of his heart, someone who thinks about you constantly, someone who spends every minute of every day just wondering what you’re doing, where you are, who you’re with, and if you’re OK. You need someone who can help you reach your dreams and protect you from your fears. You need someone who will treat you with respect, love every part of you, especially your flaws. You should be with someone who could make you happy, really happy, dancing on air happy.”

this paragraph, got me thinking alot, everytime i read it. and i found him , i found you, R. u are everything that was said in the paragraph. i dont need to go to sleep sad every night anymore. i dont need to feel as if im not appreciated. i love you , R . i really hope things will go well for us because i really wanna work things out with you. i want you to be my last. i love you so much, i cant wait to talk to u once i wake up from my sleep because thats all i look forward to when i wake up .

goodnight everyone, i know this post is so boring. nothing fancy. im sorry , im not a write-y kinda person and my vocabs arent strong. i’ll try to work on them. for the meantime, i’ll keep posting about him becuz i feel so special with this guy.. i love him . thank u for wasting ur time, reading this stupid post.

im definitely so blessd to have you in my life, R ❤️

[pokefanbri]

I'm a good person, I have a good heart, im a good Christian woman or try to be despite my sailor mouth & what have you, nobodys perfect. But I know my rights from wrongs, I don't bite the hand that feeds me, I keep the faith & its not my problem if others don't have faith in me I'm used to it...idc what people think & neither should u, idc if someone doesn't like me for whatever reason say a crappy customer...but put yourself in their shoes...if someone is mean to u realize others are going through their own stuff respectively & take it with a grain of salt cuz it's them not u. We aren't responsible for anyone's happiness but our own...we all have our own ecosystems to take care of & manage for a happy healthy life best we can within our abilities, though we can certainly try ofcourse to help someone out if we are able & if they even want the help depending on level of stubbornness, pay it forward & all that. All we can do is try to push on, keep on trucking, & overcome what's put infront of us..we're built to do so, but we cant get good results or get what we want without putting in the effort & work.

I observe & soak in information like a sponge, its part of my disability but its a gift & I apply what I learn to tasks at hand..im great at the jobs I do, i have a TON of experience i know how to take care of myself even if I struggle in the process....sure I complain alot through it I know lol, but my struggles make me a strong independent lady afterall. I like being more of a follower but have the heart of a born leader.

My mother is very street smart & was beautiful too, I got that from her..i see her in my own face & it scares the crap outta me lol, but im not her & I never will be...it saddens me she leads a life of self destruction however there's nothing I can do believe me Ive tried to save her....again not my responsibility & I went through hell with her to figure that out...not everyone wants to be helped, not everyone wants to better themselves. Nothing wrong with giving them support & having their back, but ultimately they're the ones that have to figure it out.

Good or bad u affect yourself & those around u especially young children, u want to make a good impact on them. I try my best with what's handed to me, I didn't have parents that loved me, my twin brother & I were Mardi gras babies conceived in New Orleans lol, I grew up uncared for, thinking I was worthless & that I don't matter...& affects me even now especially if shown to me by those I care about, it brings me back to my roots the little girl that just wants to be loved & appreciated. I know im not worthless & couldn't be further from the truth...Im fully aware of how damaged I am from the life I was given but I try not to show my fragile self, there's nothing wrong with it & just means I've been fighting for way too long, but im afraid I'll lose someone because of it if they're not equipped to handle it, & unfortunately I have once. Which is why Id rather keep it in til I'm alone & my emotions run it course because it's my problem nobody elses, I dont want my teary eyed hot mess to affect anyone else. I usually dont cry alot, 2020 especially brought it out but I feel we can all relate. Lately I've been doing great, im working on loving myself more everyday.

But I mean who isn't damaged, everyone is affected by their past in some way but it helps u grow nomatter what kinda hand ur given. I try not to let meanies get to me but I do...cause it makes me feel like im the problem, & I react most the time by crying out of frustration, depression, anxiety, etc. I dont as much anymore which is great but once I move I know im just gonna ball my eyes out. Sometimes If someone snaps at me or someone I care about best believe I'll defend & snap right back unless I'm held back lol (except at work obviously) im a firecracker...thats in my genes too but I'm more sweet than sour. I stress through everything..u can't even tell I keep it bottled up & put on a brave face...however I have kicked or punched walls, fall to the floor in defeat with my head in my hands, but once I get past it I can rest easy...the relief & reward is worth the effort, and then onto the next obstacle in my way lol. I try my best, thats all we can do right. If at 1st you don't succeed try try again. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. If you feel like giving up, you have more strength than u give yourself credit for. Stay positive the best you can, it makes things easier & lights up a negative environment. I hope I helped someone in some way by this, I cant do much or communicate by mouth as well as I can by writing but at least I tried ❤ nite

[perfectionistincrisis]

Longest post ever. Keep Scrolling! Look away!

About my brother leaving. Now there are two sides to it. One is how he is so young & he will move so far away & has to take care of everything. He has to study first of all, which is the main thing. And this in itself is a whole new experience. Starting university & facing all the pressure & tight schedule & deadlines that come with it. And to top that all, he will move to a new country. An entirely new place he has never been to & one which is very very very different from the country where he was born & raised & literally spent entire 18 years of his life in. Now whether this is the lifestyle & culture & religion we are talking about, or just the weather. You name it, & it's something different he has to face. Let's go back to studies. The ‘studies’ part, is totally acceptable! I mean it's his responsibility. No one will or is expected to do it or help him with it. This is totally on him. He has to figure it out himself. If he needs help, he needs to look for it. If he has a problem he needs to find a way out, or deal with it. The idea of having an elder sibling or family to help you with your studies, i believe, is totally absurd when someone is moving to university. At school, it might be ok but when someone is starting uni, cmon, I think it's time to stop already. Let them grow up on their own. You can't be wiping their ass for them their entire life. Not to mention, everyone has their own share of responsibilities, their own affairs to handle. Everyone of us are struggling everyday, to build our futures. And NO. This is not selfish. This is our responsibility towards ourselves. We owe this to ourselves, and no, you are not in any way, supposed to expect anyone to actually help you deal with your responsibilities in life. So with you share of duties, is it really selfish to focus on your affairs & prioritize them? & also what good will you be really doing by helping someone? How much of someone else's responsibilities can you own? There will come a point where you’ll have to leave them on their own except that now you've already spoiled them and they'll be more lost than ever. So yeah, plus i'm not even studying engineering so anyways i couldn't do much or anything at all but even if i could have, i really never liked the whole concept of doing it in ‘uni’. I have such a strong opinion about it seeing my cousins and other people. Meaning, it's not just me randomly thinking about it and commenting but i rather did always have such an opinion about this matter. So yeah that's the only ‘okay’ thing! From now, things are changing. Now, let's talk about the end of everyday! When he comes ‘home’/ dorm room. He doesn't come home to anyone. Whether it is your siblings being lame and stupid, or your parents being in a fight, or some really good day where everyone's happy and laughing - you're not getting any of it. Is anyone bringing you food? Cooking for you exactly what you eat? No. When are you going to bed? No one cares other than you. Who’s making sure you wake up and don't miss class in the morning? Who’s making you breakfast? Filling your water flask? You buy your food if you have time before class. Such a good day, just 3 classes and you're home by 11. Who do you go home to? Yourself. Weekends? .. Nvm But we are only trying to provide the best future for him. And i can NOT disagree to this at all. Not even for a second. Since almost a year, my dad & my mom has thought of everything & every tiny thing that we will need for him. Whether it is the fact that winter clothes are sold in shops during winter and winter in ksa was 6 months ago, so keeping that in mind and shopping for him things which is just too hard to get in the shops right now cause it's totally summer rn over here! Or whether it is something more serious like meeting all the different formalities to apply for a visa. And shopping for him all these months. Making lists of everything he might need. Things like plate, glass, things like rugs, things like brush, toothpaste, things like pillows, bed sheet, things like laundry basket, warm gloves, things like rain coat. Like you name it, and it somehow is something he actually needs. Also, we are so concerned about providing him the best. I think all my life, a part of shopping included looking at the price tag and seeing if its a good bargain. But now, suddenly thats not done anymore. Anything he touches (which is very little btw) & anything we choose for him (which is like every single thing we see), its just getting the best for him. Its like theres this thing in our heads. Like this is it. My brother hardly gets anything for himself. He is kind of different. So we are just getting him all these stuff because once he goes there, he might not get it for himself. And even if he does, us getting something for him now will be the last time we are doing so. Cause from now on he'll do his stuff himself. So like i was saying. We are only trying to provide the best future for him. And i can NOT disagree to this at all. Not even for a second. And this is a stage that comes in everyone's life & we can not and should not run from it. This is the right thing to do in my brother’s case. Everything till now has gone so smoothly Alhamdulillah. But it still doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Especially when i think of my mom. I get the whole idea of how it's the hardest on the moms. In fact i have even witnessed many moms crying & breaking when their kids had to leave and all. But. This is different. I am talking about ‘my mom’. I respect all mother’s love, i do. But about my mom; unless you live under the same roof as her, you will find it impossible to believe how much of her heart & soul & energy she invests on our family. For which, I will be forever grateful & will consider myself blessed. I will never be able to start and finish talking about her but let me mention some interesting stuff! Let's start with me! So im 21. And i don't do my laundry (none of it at all), i don't vacuum (the house or even just my room), I don't iron my clothes (never did), I don't clean the dishes (not even my own plate or glass or water flask), I don't clean my room (the furnitures & stuff) & interestingly, i don't even know how to make tea or coffee (unless it's those sachets you get, but i just use them at uni). TADA - Mom does all of that for me. I don't remember the last time i did ‘any’ of the things i mentioned. I can't say i never did any of them though, but it was only for one of the 2 reasons: 1. I was younger and mom got angry with me maybe & she’d punish me by making me do it OR 2. I voluntarily offered maybe cause it was vacation and i wasn't lazy & stuff (btw this vacation, i'm totally lazy, i never offered or did anything) So like i said, i don't remember the last time i did any of it. Infact, to TOP ALL THAT, mom makes sure of all my ‘excess’ needs too. She pays so much importance to them. Like, my diet. Diet - meaning the food i eat. Now regardless of whether im trying to lose weight or not, i totally dont like asian food, more specifically, all the daily food cooked in a bengali household. I dont like ‘curries’. I prefer ‘dry’ food. It doesnt matter what it is. Chicken, beef or veggie. If its a ‘curry’, im not putting it in my mouth. Curry meaning the whole making it liquidy with all masala & stuff. And i ‘especially’ hate chicken curry. I also dont honestly remember the last time i ate it. And i am NOT exaggerating but i stopped eating it like way back in grade 11 or 12. By chicken curry, i mean the MOST REGULAR meal in almost every bengali household, more like an EVERYDAY meal especially for the kids. And it works for my bros too lol. But no way on hell im eating it. The reason is, this is one food ive been eating since i learned to ear and then after around a pretty 13 to 14 years of eating chicken curry i had to say NO one fine day xD xD Ok now i have 2 phases: one is the normal daily phase where unis going on and i'm stressed and all i eat is junk food, or maybe something not junk but has to be all delicious or maybe sometimes i'll consider eating healthy and want some classy salad and stuff. Mom always has to prepare a different meal or me. Then she has to prepare something else for her and dad too cause chicken is kids stuff and also mom does not eat chicken at all if she is the one who cooked it so yeah. And then there's chicken for my bros xD On top of that, when im in the other phase where im trying to lose weight - Oh god. The whole menu of food changes. All green veggies and salads and stuff. All grilled chicken, grilled fish, grilled beef. She does all of that. Also. she THEN ‘decorates’ my food cause she knows i love taking pictures of my food. She decorates my food. She makes sure I like the plate on which she is serving the food; whether the plate will look good in the picture. She makes sure I get to take a perfect picture. If she gets confused about how to decorate something, she'll tell me to do it and ask me what i need. I mean man, who does that to a 21 year old???? I know i am spoiled! Now ^ i got carried away! All that is a small gesture of what my mom does for ‘me’. And i'm like her eldest kid. Like she actually thinks i can take care of myself ‘more than my brothers can’ Yeah do you see where i'm going with this? You can not imagine HOW much more she does for my bros, like ‘woahhhh’👌 I’ll just give one example for each bro. My elder bro - he never actually had to open his closet and decide on which dress to wear till now in his life!!!!! Yesss!!!!! Mom even takes out his clothes. Clothes. Every garment :):):) and keeps it ready for him to wear every time he showers, or changes, or goes outside :) and that's the one who’s already 18 and moving soon! And my younger bro - well he is kinda different. Like he is all concerned about his looks and he demands on choosing his own clothes from his closet and wearing them xD xD but then mom still feeds him lunch and dinner most of the day and he is almost 14 :):):) So yes. Idk how my mom is going to handle it. But what i know is that she is such a brave and strong and intelligent and amazing woman mashAllah. She is so hard-working & she puts aside all her sickness and pain & prioritises our needs, and our wants, even if theyre really stupid. And she means the world to me. And she is my number 1 person. And I can give up anything for her. Words cannot express how much she means to me. I once had to stay a night away from her during the 1st week of my uni in 1st year of med school. That was the night I actually realized how important she was to me. I was away from her and due to some circumstance I couldn't communicate with her. That whole night, i lied in bed crying & asking Allah to let me meet my mom in my dreams as I fall asleep now… Idk if I ever told that to anyone before, but yeah here it is. Ahhhh. God!!!!! Such a huge post wth man )@+%;’!(%)#!%(£))@!%!%) but Ughhhh I just needed to get it all out of my system! Hmphhh

[survivormarmoreal]

Episode #12: "FUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuoooouuoock me." - Maynor

Well. Looks like Bryce wasnt trust worthy at all. I can only have annabelle but we dont talk too much. I need to win immunity or my ass is gone next.

I definately need to win this immunity if I want to regroup. A even bigger fire in me wanting to play even more aggressive. Ive been passive. Now I dont really care who goes. Except for Annabelle ❤️. Im going to try and throw wrenches in their plans and try to get someone from their side out.

I’m on 230. Idk what my goal is going to be but i think im going to stop around 2pm so i can go back to 1 before 5pm deadline comes. I really need to win this immunity. 😰

Update. I am now at 500 for the number. Its barely noon. Idk if i should keep going or start to go back down to one. I just hope im the furtherest from everyone else. I would die if i dont win.

I feel so terrible. like that Nathan vote was the hardest thing I have had to do in this game so far. He betrayed my trust a lot. But I really got along so well with him. And Nathan deserves better. Ugh. Like Brian and I literally feel gross. And now I have to do damage control with Anna and make it seem like a last minute switch when actually it was me being a terrible person and plotting all round against one of the nicest players ever. I'm feeling rough and this season is getting really tough.

Well I am still here! I am honestly shocked that I am, but I will TAKE it gladly! Maybe I will stop being the target now cause nathan is gone (we shall see though, I feel like Bryce and brian are now HATED by Maynor and Anna) which will be nice. I now have the lovely (....) distinction of having the most votes cast against me in celestial history. and ALL Since the merge started lmao! I really am a magnet for votes huh. I feel good, might have to be rude to someone to get a target off my back though so uh maybe bitch boi matt will make a return at some point? We shall see

its so awk trying to talk to annabelle bc 1 she doesnt talk to me but more importantly idk what to say like. she feels betrayed but sharkys the one who threw nathans name out NNN she should be glad if it were up to me shed be in ponderosa right now ASFKJADSHFKJS. idk like i literally just forced a convo with her so i could confront her about leaking to sharky and she just ghosts. i want DRAMA. i want TEA. and yet nothing. maybe instead of doing the most i should be doing immunity but counting is literally so anxiety inducing and daunting JKHDAFSDKJFHKJ. anyways 6th is cute too

FUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuoooouuoock me. I got to 626 to pay my respect to Stitch and i mess up gojng down from 323 and put 321. I never wanted to cry so bad. I wanted to scream into the void. I cant even with this challenge. I restarted and back at 404. Its 1:25 and deadline 5. Hopefully itll be enough time.

OK, so I definitely won't win immunity, but I tried to do well!  I don't think my submission will be good enough, but I can hope and pray it is!!  I don't even know if I fucked up, but I don't think I did... so hopefully 317 is the number for me!!

In other tea time news, Nathan... ya... um... when you see this I want you to truly understand how heartbroken I am at what happened.  I knew with all the strong-minded gameplay and trust you had in me that we would've been final 2 given the chance, but I also think that what threw me off was Annabelle's constant tea spilling at Sharky and the fact that your closest allies (aside from myself) were her and Maynor, who I like but have little to no actual game relationship with.  In addition, your desire to take out Matt every single round of the merge?  Wig.

I also found out Bryce was the other Matt vote during the merge vote... so... wow I'm powerful....

According to me and Bryce's plans in this game, ideally, Sharky will go this round... but after sending home Nathan last round, my whole ass heart is on some different shit.  I just feel like me doing that would be another rough ass round, and I don't think I could handle it.  It was easier when people like Nick, who annoyed me on a game level, were the names being thrown out, especially with how cocky he was... but now I'm like... wow, these people?  Amazing.

I think Sharky winning immunity wouldn't be too bad because then I can finally push Annabelle out and won't have to worry about her, so I'm banking on that!  I don't wanna ruin Bryce and I's plans in this game, I just feel more confident sitting with Sharky than like anyone else.

I also think my relationship with Maynor is so much better, and I can actually work with him further down the road.  He sketched me out a lot in the past, but I really think it's a solid ally for me if I can get him passed this round.  Annabelle or Sharky are the ideal targets, but I'm really feeling an Annabelle vote this round.  I may not be in the best spot for immunity this round, but I know I'll have my A-game on and ready next round, so I'm READY.

I was doing so well in this challenge. I had like 900 and I screwed up. Now I'm feeling the pressure. And I keep messing up. Now I've got less than 3 hours to make it up and hopefully finally win something. Brian told me he did not do well. And I don't want anyone else to win because it will limit our options going forward.

I'm over it. I screwed up HARD. And now I have like no time to recover. I'm over it.

I decided to go back to 626. And at 2:41pm i was able to get back down to 1. Im happy but i really hope that was enough because if it wasnt then im going to cry. I really want to win this. Stitch my favorite please give me luck. 🦑

last round was so risky i hope it doesnt just get me 6th. i tried to get together with anna again and i think we are but maynor not so much which sucks but as long as brian is real with wanting to keep me i should be good imagine if it was fake and he wasnt really taking me to the end NNN adsjkfhadskj the gag of the season? but ugh sharky really wants me out again like maybe get a clue and stop.

That was upsetting. But Bryce did really well so I applaud him. Its most likely going to be me tomorrow night. It sucks but i can at least try and see if i can find a way to stay.

There is some hope. Annabelle and I want to make it a tie with Matt. And when its rock time, Brian or Sharky hopefully get the odd color and they are sent home. Thats the only play right now that I think can save me. I have to rely on Bryce who i dont trust at all anymore. But kind of have to if i want to survive tomorrow.

i'm down for some mutual destruction this vote. I hope that this pays off or it could totally fuck me over but it is what it is if this works out i'll take this as like a win for nathan and i'll  be in a much better spot i think. wish me luck <3

I WON IMMUNITY PPL CAN TRY TO COME FOR ME BUT THEY CANT SURE MAYBE I PLAYED BAD IDK I HAVE BAD SENSE OF SELF WORTH BUT MAYBE I DID PLAY WELL BUT MAYBE I DIDNT BUT U KNOW WHAT IS TRUE AND FACTS!!! ME WINNING THIS IMMUNITY. BRIAN DOESNT WANT TO VOTE SHARKY ALL OF A SUDDEN WHICH IS SKETCH BUT NOW THAT I HAVE IMMUNITY IM NOT AFRAID OF VOTING SHARKY AND HOPING ANNABELLE AND MAYNOR VOTE WITH ME IM TALKING IN CAPS BC IM SO EXCITED MY STOMACH WAS LITERALLY A MESS ALL DAY BC OF HOW NERVOUS I WAS COUNTING UP AND DOWN AND SEVERAL BREAKDOWNS LATER I WON WOOOOOOOHHOOO IT REALLY IS BRYCE HISTORY MONTH!!!! anyways yaa i hope f5 is me brian matt maynor anna and that brian is real one and uses vote steal there so we auto have immunity but maybe i try to win immunity again anyway to make sure im safe.... but then at f5 i think anna has to go but she'll be so mad idk maybe maynor.. or  maybe matt whomst knows KJASDHFKJS but wooh in this moment... i am at peace

Im convinced annabelle is like a marine biologist or something with how much she loves sharky! i just want him out KFJASDHFKJ i love being pushy jk i literally hate it but i just want him out its not a lot to ask and i feel like im getting played idk but at this point my loyalty is to brian so if he betrays me its like w/e NNN just hoping itll work out maybe i comp my way into a losing finalist spot... anyways i just got into dear evan hansen again so love that renewed obsession

The Fajita Fellas are actually a solid alliance. I know I've been skeptical of Bryce in the past but I'm actually starting to trust him which is cool. HOWEVER it's also an issue because if I'm going to keep trying to save Anna it's only going to get harder. I'm hoping this vote will be easy squeezy. I told the FF that Maynor is easy and least likely to have an idol. They seem good with that. So...we'll see.

I am very nervous for tonight. I am 2 of the options for Sharky, Brian, and Matt to do. Annabell and I are throwing each other under the bus to them. But our plan is to vote Sharky and hoping have Bryce with us and cause a tie. And on the revote hope one flips on Sharky or we go to rocks. And hopefully Matt or Brian get the rocks.

The vote is me tonight. If plan goes according to it should be 3 vote sharky and 3 vote me. Im really hoping they flip on sharky or that Matt or Brian get rocked out. 🤞🤞🤞

So this vote seems so simple, its like kinda amazing for once. Last tribal had so much deceit and lying to get Nathan out and this tribal is like. so. quiet? you could literally hear a pin drop. Maynor and Anna seem like they have legit given up trying to get further, with both apparently voting for the other. How quiet it is is making me slightly nervous, but I do know that if i do somehow leave i am very proud of my game I have played. and I will have the same placement as Standrea so like nothing could be wrong with that huh?

The vote ties, 3 votes Maynor and 3 votes Sharky.

Im died. It worked but now here is hoping for matt or brian to flip. Im scared n excited.

bro... wtf. Can I say I am mad at Bryce? no not really I saw this coming from a mile off, hell even from the other side as the Atlantic. so like mad? nah? Its just... making me so sad. Like I REALLY DO NOT want to go home, i've been through too much to get to this point. But like,... I REALLY love sharky as a person. Like, I love him loads so this is a REALLY hard decision. Fuck my life I don't know what to do

I HATE REVOTES. SO. MUCH. i AM REFUSING TO TELL ANNA ANYTHING cause i like know she will immediately run to sharky and if I am to flip I am gonna tell him first not let him hear via Anna cause that is fucking SHADY. she's just pissing me off tbqh and its just like??? at least be cordial and get off invisible for fucking once

i think the plan worked? it was so awk trying to talk to matt i felt bad but i hope he understands he said he did so! and like... idk its just so hm idk idk. hm. like brian and matt both prob gonna flip wooh. matt said i played well so maybe i did like i tend to never think i played well but maybe i did but maybe hes just lying so KJFSDHJFA wooh

BRIAN IS THE SKETCHIEST PERSON IVE EVER PLAYED WITH I JUST WANNA GO TO THE END WITH HIM BUT HES LITERALLY BACKSTABBING ME I WANTED HIM TO JUST 4-2 SHARKY BUT NO HE WANTED TO MAKE IT GO TO ROCKS TO FEEL BETTER OR WELL GO TO TIE NOT ROCKS AND NOW HES LIKE SORRY SHARKY HAS TO STAY LIKE NO HE ACTUALLY DOESNT HAVE TO STAY IF U VOTE HIM AND ANNA STOPS BEING FAKE AND TRYING TO KEEP HIM WHEN HES DONE NOTHING BUT LIE TO HER AHHHH THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING SJDKFHADSKJFHSDKJF DSHFKJADSHFKJADSHFKASJFHKADSJFHADSKJSKFHASDKJFHASKJFAHKJFS ps: i love everyone in this game... but in this moment? i was ATTACKED

It’s almost about that time. 20 more minutes. I am very nervous. I hope that Bryce and Annabelle stick with me and hope Matt or Brian flipped if not then at least go to rocks. Im really hoping that this move works. But this final 6. I ❤️ Annabelle. ❤️ Sharky. ❤️ Brian. ❤️ Bryce. ❤️ Matt. They are all awesome.

Brian is rocked out.