#everything is terrible always and forever and i cant even cry. it just. isnt working

[mousehole5000]

 this is it... the final post.... 226 through THE END!!!!!

this shit with mu qing and the river of lava is SOOOO dramatic im loving it

oh my god theyre on a FUCKING bridge of course they are okay let’s go boys

“You’re right. We’re alike. You think me odd, I think you to be rather weird too.” - so what im getting from this is that xie lian and mu qing are the only characters in this book with working gaydar okay yup got it this checks out

god... the fact that xie lian is ready to be like “look mu qing we can just forget about the past it doesnt matter we dont have to be friends i know you dont like me but im not gonna let you die over it” and then mu qing is like “.... god i really do admire you huh”

“You...certainly...are rather amazing. You’re...also...a better person...than me. Long story short, I...very much wanted...to become your f-f-friend.”  - going to think about this for the rest of all time im about to become utterly unintelligible im overcome with emotions

“And, at the end of the white silk band, Feng Xin was gripping Ruoye with one hand while the other was holding on to a steel-faced Mu Qing, and he shouted towards him.” - the fucking IMAGE of this im gonna cry this is everything i could have asked for im so happy also mu qing dangling there like “ welp. guess ill live“

“Feng Xin was almost burnt by that pillar of fire, and he shouted in outrage. “WHAT’S WITH THIS BAND OF DOG SHITS, ATTACKING PEOPLE WHILE THEY’RE DOWN, SO VILE! FUCK YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY!” Xie Lian responded, “IF THEIR ENTIRE FAMILIES ALL LOOK LIKE THAT, YOU SURE YOU WANT TO FUCK THEM??” - theyre so funny!!! and theyre best friends!!! theyre joking together now in the middle of all this i could cry theyre back!!!

“Using sticks as arrows, he held the bow with one hand and used his teeth to bite back the bowstring.” - no clue how practical this is but okay archer boy. hot

i actually have so many little quips between the three of them highlighted but we’d be here all night if i included them all. im literally so delighted by this omg worth the wait

“Each sabre strike slashed to the bone. It wasn’t like Xie Lian had never seen Hua Cheng use the sabre before in the past, but his style had always been easy and leisurely, nonchalant and casual. Rather than say he was handling a weapon, it was more like he was toying with a small knife. Yet those blade marks were filled with killing intent. It was easy to imagine just how skilled the one exchanging blows with him was, and how perilous this battle.” you have no idea how mad i was when i read this and thought we missed witnessing the fight between hc and jw omg

“Behind him, Feng Xin muttered, “Dear fucking god, may all the gods and buddhas grant their blessings, that better absolutely be Crimson Rain Sought Flower, otherwise he’s gonna go mad!” “Stop your rubbish,” Mu Qing berated. “We’re all the gods and buddhas ourselves and we can’t grant shit, just keep up with him! Look at the stumbling way he’s running, he’s gonna trip and fall to his bloody death before he even sees the man!” - okay i know i said no more quips but this is literally too funny i just wanted to read it again

“ However, for whatever reason, that vicious ghost, in its muddled state, took that large group of live mortals under its wing and fled for many days. In the end, they were still surrounded by millions of ghosts, trapped in a dead end, and it was going to be eaten along with those humans.” [...] “That vicious ghost almost made a move against those humans, but for some reason, in the end, it didn’t. It instead used one of its own eyes as the price to forge a blood weapon. That vicious ghost was already forcibly hanging on with its last breath; after digging out its eye it should’ve broken apart completely. Yet somehow something had shocked it, and it instead woke to its senses completely. “ - THIS IS AMAZING ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? IS THIS ALL WE GET ABOUT HIS GHOSTLY LORE?????? HUA CHENGGGGGGGG

“What a terrible offence, his old habit had come out, and he quickly apologized. “I’m sorry! You don’t have to listen to me!” Hua Cheng, however, only smiled happily. “Everything gege tells me is the best advice, so why wouldn’t I listen?” - this isnt the fucking time afjdkfjsdkl they really never stop

“So you can hold the illusion of a perfect Crown Prince of Wuyong to face and dismiss the Jun Wu now. Isn’t that your objective? Did you think I don’t know what you’re thinking?” “THAT’S NOT IT!” Guoshi cried. “Stop getting tied up in right and wrong, victories and defeat, I’VE NEVER THOUGHT THAT WAY BEFORE!” - jun wu only being able to see xie lian as his successor and believing that thats all anyone else sees too... okay

honestly this whole final showdown was a blast i cant put everything in but it was so much fun to read. the DRAMA the LAVA the SHOUTING t

“Hua Cheng had poured too much spiritual power into him. There really was too much, so much that it was completely outside the amount the cursed shackle could withstand.” - okay.... okay... the love you give will set you free... okay....

“With Jun Wu in his grip, he carried both their bodies and forcefully slammed into the incomparably-solid rock wall! He used all of his power in this smash, and in the rumbling and crashing of rocks, he also heard the sound of something breaking.” [...] “A moment later, Jun Wu suddenly asked, “That move. What is it called?” “...” Xie Lian raised his sleeve and wiped away the blood on the side of his face. “Shattering boulders on the chest.” YES!!!!! YES!!!!! xie lian actually lived that life!!!!!! i loved this detail so much

“After a moment of silence, Xie Lian took off the bamboo hat carried on his back, took it in his hand, and covered it over Jun Wu’s face.” - xie lian... good... another detail i love. a hat that protects from the rain, given in a moment of need, even to someone who has caused you hardship... we do not forget the kindness granted to us

“There was gratefulness, there was shame, there was heartache, there was wild joy, but above all else, there was incurable love.” - :pleading: i wish it was just that easy tbh. “i have to tell you about the worst parts of myself” “ive already seen them and i dont care i still love you“ truly the dream

“ It’s been so long since anyone listened to me talk, won’t you stay? Don’t...actually do this. I won’t be able to take it. Twice, it’s been twice already! I really don’t want there to be a third time!!!” - the bit about just wanting someone to listen to him talk... xie lian... :(

emily corpse bride moment.... i knew it had to happen.... butterflies.... death and rebirth.... inevitable

xianle trio bickering about ruoye..... mu qing complaining but not letting anyone else fix it... im so happy

“The Rain Master sat down on the spot, looking like she was going to perform a passing service for her. After all, Xuan Ji was the only one left of the Kingdom of Yushi besides herself.”  - xuan ji you sure the hell were... a character. this little moment tho..... yushi huang... many thoughts

“ Who hasn’t made promises, or swore to the mountains and the seas when they were young? Talking of affection, of love, of forevers. But, the longer I hang around in the world, the more I understand, something like ‘forever’ is impossible. It’s never going to be possible. Having it once was already good enough. No one can truly achieve it. I don’t believe in it anymore.” - jian lan im happy for you bummer it didnt work out with feng xin but yeah that was looooong ago. also this quote me same mood kin but its chill. having it once was already good enough

although yeah tbh if theres anyone who can have a forever like that... it would be a ghost and a god

fasdfjadklfj GOD... pour one out for ling wen.. but is that not the truth of this world? the one can be pardoned for being good at paperwork that no one else wants to do? isnt that the plot of the shawshank redemption?

okay but the fact that all xie lian’s friends come to visit him while he waits for hua cheng is making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.... fengqing coming together to try to get him out of the house but get scared off by his cooking... amazing

“Last time, they spent eight hundred years running towards each other. This time, it only took an instant to fall into each other’s embrace.” - im completely unaffected by this. im not lying i swear (i am lying im very emotionally affected)

okay i love this final wrap up chapter party its so fun. mu qing moving on from the broom thing!!! good for him!! the beggars get their reward!!! the fun ghost city chefs!! SQX!!!! and he xuan is?? here too??? he’s hungry??? fjadlkfjsdl

“The grounds that Feng Xin and Mu Qing had just swept were once again filthy from that giant crowd of muddy feet. Mu Qing gripped his broom, looking like he felt someone had infected him with fleas, and his eyes were wide.” - me when my dad comes into the kitchen when ive just finished washing dishes i get it king

the little folklore bit... fun!!! oh my god its over..... :(

that was really fun i had a blast reading it and on the whole really liked it i WISH soo badly that hua cheng had gotten more outside of being cunty and devoted even tho those are both important i just wish there was more about like how he got by during those 800 years and like did he ever have doubts? what shaped his worldview was it all xie lian or was it his experience as a mortal as well? why is he so mean to e’ming? theres bits and pieces here and there and i know it was already SO long but that really would have been great if there was more about hc cuz tbh by the end, at least for me, the hualian relationship didnt actually feel as fleshed out as the xianle trio relationship like i still liked hualian’s dynamic and it was really sweet how much they clearly really liked each other and  everything but i kind of wish some of the other subplots had been dropped or diminished in favor of more hc development i think that would have been cool

but anyway thats some of my thoughts and i really did enjoy the hell out of book 5 that was a riot and uhhh thanks to everyone who read these or commented *lends you spiritual energy through a high five*

[fatrainbowmermaidunicorn]

We Dont Talk Anymore (Yoongi x You) (ONESHOT)

A/N: this request has been sitting for a year (or more) in my inbox and im sorrryy. This is a short story and I feel like its not my best 😔 but I still hope you like it. Im sorry and Ill do better 💜

Oh, we don't talk anymore, like we used to do I just heard you found the one you've been looking You've been looking for I wish I would have known that wasn't me

Min Yoongi and Big Hit Producer, Zara announces that they are officially a couple!

Y/N scrunched up the glossy page of the tabloid and throw it in the nearest garbage bin, pulling her jacket tighter around her and keeps on walking. Maybe thats where she should be too, since thats how Yoongi treated her heart, like trash.

A year.

It has been a year since their heart wrenching break up and Yoongi has finally moved on. He is finally in a relationship with someone else. As he should be.

Maybe its a good thing. She was never a good match for Yoongi. Shes just a boring lawyer. What does she know about the entertaining world of the music industry right? All she do all day is fight in court and do the paperwork all night long. That producer girl will probably fits him better. Understand him better. They can talk music all day long, and write together all night long. The girl wont be mad at him for being busy all the time. Hell, they can spend time together while working. Y/N scoffs to herself.

She just wish.. she had known from the beginning that they were not suited for each other. Then she wouldnt have wasted her time to be in a relationship. To go on dates. To face his crazy fans. To balance work and spending time with Yoongi.

She wouldnt have wasted time, and her heart... to fall in love.

'Cause even after all this time I still wonder Why I can't move on Just the way you did so easily

A year.

And she still cant move on. How can she? She was never in love. Never felt it. Never wanted to. Never planned to. But Min Yoongi, with all his coldness he showed to the world, theres just warmth in him that melts her heart. That makes her so sure that love is real. She felt it with Yoongi. She felt it his smile, she felt it in his laughter, in his tears, in his frustration, she felt it in the way he covered her up in a blanket when she fell asleep while doing her case reports, she felt it in tbe small wave he gave her when he saw her in the crowd watching his performances. She felt it. And she knew its real.

Thats why she wonders. And keeps on wonder, how can he moved on so easily? And why cant she do the same.

Oh how she wish she can.

Don't wanna know What kind of dress you're wearing tonight If he's holding onto you so tight The way I did before

Breaking up with someone you love is painful enough. Its even worse when that someone moved on and you are told about every single detail of their love life. With every step she took, news about Yoongi and his new lover were whispered, talked about. Where they go to dates, what they do on dates, how romantic their kisses are.

If a heart can be thrown out, Y/N wants to take it out right now. She doesnt want to feel anymore. Yoongi was her world, the one she told everything to, the one she spend all her time with. The one love she overdosed on. The one that means everything to her.

What do you do when the one person you talk to is gone? What do you do when the one person you love stop loving you? Nothing. You moved on. And hope the pain passed. But it never will. Because afterall, nothing hurts more than a broken heart.

I just hope you're lying next to somebody Who knows how to love you like me There must be a good reason that you're gone

Yoongi walked down the street. The snow has been falling non stop today. It matches his cold cold heart and matches his cold cold feelings even more. He felt numb. Everything about him is numb. News broke today that hes dating their producer.

The truth is, he isnt.

He just hope Y/N saw the news. Hoped and prayed she saw it, and moved on. Yoongi swallowed a lump in his throat. Just the thought of Y/N with someone else... kills him, break him, but he have to do it.

Image of Y/N crying almost everyday, screaming almost everyday before their breakup haunts him. Thats not what he wanted for her. He wants to give her happiness, love, laughter. But hes not able to. He never have time for her, to talk to her, love her. And she deserve better.

He hope and he prayed. That with the sudden news, she will find someone new. She will finally open up her heart and let someone new in. And he hope and he prayed for that someone to love her as much as he does, because theres no other love in the world stronger than his love for her. And it will always be her. To Yoongi, it will always be her.

Every now and then I think you Might want me to come show up at your door But I'm just too afraid that I'll be wrong

He knows Y/N doesnt mean it. When she cries and say those awful words of separation, he knows she doesnt mean it. She wants him to stop her, to change, to love her better. But he cant. He cant love her better. He wants to, but he dont how. And thats why he lets her go.

Every single night while he rolls around in bed, his handphone screen is the only thing lighting the dark room, illuminating Y/N's picture in his phone that hes been staring at, he wonders. What if he just picks up his coat and knocks on her door? Will she open it? Will she welcome him with open arms? Smiling, crhing in happiness? Will they kiss and all be okay? Will they ever forget this terrible tragedy even happen? Will they start again and be happy like before?

Every single night he thinks about it. And every single night he almost did. Almost.

But he has a bigger fear. What if hes wrong. What if Y/N has moved on. What if Y/N has found someone who love her better.

They dont talk anymore. They didnt talked for the longest time. And maybe its better that way..

I overdosed Should've known your love was a game Now I can't get you out of my brain Oh, it's such a shame That we don't talk anymore,

Her mind has been wondering with thoughts about Yoongi, not really paying attention to where shes even going until she suddenly stopped in her tracks and looked up.

Standing in front of her, all bundled up in heavy coat and gloves, scarf around his neck, nose tinge pink, is the man that haunted her mind himself. Y/N breathes, her mouth whisper the only word she wanted to call out for so long.

"Yoongi,"

Yoongi stops in his tracks. Maybe he had successfully stopped himself from going to Y/N's door every single night, naybe he managed to talk himself out if it, but fate has brought Y/N right to him, and this time he wont let it go to waste.

This time, he will make sure to show her how much he loves her, needs her. He will tell her every little thing that happened in his life. There wont ever be a second of silence between them ever again. They will talk. They will talk all night long. Fate wants them together. His heart wants them together. And he wouldnt let them down again.

But if only things were that simple. If only thats the truth, but the fact is... they dont talk anymore. Y/N was right. Y/N was right when she ended it. They havent for the longest time. All the laughter, the kisses, the whispered words of love, its all lost in memories. Memories that will remain in his heart forever. His heart is racing to reach out to her. Hes hoping hers does too.

But they dont talk anymore.

And they never will again.

"Y/N,"

Both eyes locked with one another, staring deep into their souls for a split second, almost tellimg each other how they really feel, that their names are still beating in each others heart, before both pair of eyes quickly averted each other and continue walking, shoulders slightly touching as two past lovers passed by one another, having so much to say but nothing to talk about.

[its-3am-sadness]

getting lost up in the past— this is what I found

Friday February 1st, 2013:

ugh..im sitting in third hour..i wanna cry, but i cant theres to many people..

can anyone really save me? ..no.. noone ever can.. i just wanna be happy, truely always happy.. )': ughhhhhhhhhhhh! i gotta go..

Monday February 4th, 2013:

holy shit that was a longg weekend.. i almost cut saturday.. i got a new razor & everythingg.. Jake told me to go chuck itt in the snow, soo i did, but then on sunday i went & found itt.. soo i have itt in my ipod case like my other one.

I stayed up till 3 saturday nightt watching 'Enchanted' i love that movie now (: and i sent Jake a 7 and a 9 page text.. he was asleep though..but his best friend is a girl & i have nothing at all against that, i don't have a reason to hate her at all, i havent even met her, but i still am so super jealous.. i hate that they hang out and slepover together and i dont know, i trust him.. but look what happend with the last guy, i trusted him with all my heart, i never thought he would cheat on me and he ended up fucking his ex-girlfriend and lying about it.. im so scared.. i dont wanna be here.. i was thinking saturday & yesterday how i wish i was single just so i don't have to be so paranoid..but i love being around Jake that i wouldnt dream of ending it..

Shawntay said i should tell him about how i feel with him & his besty, but i idont wanna be the dumb bitchy girlfriend who is all 'you cant talk to girls-blahh blahh blahhk' shitt, ya know?? So ima just leave it to myself because i don't care..

im really trying not to cut.. Tabby (my ex's girlfriend) told me that it takes 21 days to break a habbit & we both last cut on the 22nd, soooo we'll see how that goes..

on wednesday it'll be me & jake's 4 months.. & next thursday is valenitines (how ever you spell itt) day and i wanna get him something.. hmm..

my tits now have names.. right one is Adam & the left is Ryder (:

I love him, my baby. <3 soo much.. </3

Wednesday February 6th, 2013:

today is 4 months with my baby!! i love him sooo much. dude. <3 he is so amazingg. i just want to push him in the snow and kiss him and be crazy. i am crazy about him.. like super crazy aboutt him. <3 i dont wantt him to be taken awayyy! ):

Hunter said he was going to ask me out last week on friday on the bus.. god he's a douche.. he broke my heart so many countless times and just left.. and my ex. my good lord, he is such a dick. im sick of them both fucking with my head and heart. ive moved on and it Shawntay's words 'have a new life with a better guy'.. god i love her. i dont know where i would be right now if it werent for her.. <3 i love you shawny'z forever <3

Friday February 8th, 2013:

well..i almost cut last nightt, i didnt but i was aboutt to.. im not taking my meds, im just throwing them in a bag & ima sell them.. they weren't working anyway soo..

Im seriously so sccared that Jake's going to leave me.. even though he says he's not going to an yada yada yada, but still.. im paranoid.. it's just who i am... i love him with all my heart though.. ya know??

im diguesting..im a whore..a damn slut.. in love with a guy who prolly cant stand me.. im fucking pathetic.. why..why..why would, HOW could anyone like me, or put up with me.. i mean, what the hell..im a little ugly bitch. a fat, pathetic, stupid, idiotic, loud, sluty little damn bitch...fuckkkkkkkk.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuckfuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuckfuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuckfuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuckfuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

Monday February 11th,2013:

well..i hate myself. terribly. fucking. little. cunt. thats what i am. a fucking bitch. a pussy, more like a pair of balls.. pussy's are actually quite strong.. so im a pair of balls. GROSS!.. i like pussy better.. whatever. so anyway.. i hate how much of a bitch i am. im so mean to everyone. im not good enough for shawntay. i dont deserve jake and i feel like i treat both of them like shit.. i dont mean to. they're both my whole world..damn.. i couldnt live with out both of them.. i really couldnt.

Conversation on Saturday Night:

me: how isn't it? if you go then you wont have to worry about me.

Jake: ill worry more

me:no

Jake: yeah i will

Me:no

Jake: why cant i?

me: Because..you just cant. you shouldnt. its not worth it.Never. You should leave before you get hurt.

Jake: this isnt about right now anymore is it?

me: i guess not..

Jake: cause ive told you before im not leaving unless you stop loving me ima be here for you until you dont want me to and ima be with you till you break up with me, i love you and im gonna stay through thick and thin. you wont hurt me. You wont.

Baby i friken love you and i wanna be with you no matter what im yous i dont want anyone else but you and im gonna stay okay?

Me: i hurt everyone. i want to be with you. i am in love with you. but i am so hard and difficult. i push every single person away because i just tear people down. i dont want to do that. You are so amazing and that cant die.

how can i call that mine? that is a way to good for me kindda guy.. ive fallen in love with him. but he is way to good for me.

Tuesday February 12, 2013:

i almost cut last night.. i lost it and i started crying terribly. my mother is such a damn bitch. i cant handle her anymore.. she's having surgary on the 25th of this month.. but shes forcing me to appologise for being 'rude' to my brothers wife.. fuck that.. she told me i didnt appriciate anyone.. you dont tell someone who hates themself, who seriously cant stand to look at herself or hear herself, you DONT TELL THEM THAT THEYRE NOT FUCKING APPRICATIVE! what the hell.. so i have anger issues so i flipped out, not to her, just annonmusly over facebook & shes not even my friend on there so fuck her. seriously. and my mother is sticking up for HER, an not ME. bitch.. i have enough shit i dont need to deal with this, its from over a month ago.. i hate my mother.. she fucking came running downstairs screaming at me for taking something that i really didnt.. i didnt even know what she was talking about.. why... im always to blame. FUCK HER! god... she makes me want to kill myself. she thinks that i look up to her and that she's this perfect little angel and does everything for me.. but all she does is make me feel like shit.. i mean we have our moments that we get along an laugh an are friends. when we're friends we're totally fine, but than she turns in to over protective bitch mode.. i hate itt.. i dont wanna stay after school to get extra help.. and shes fucking making me. i hate it. i hate her. i want to get the fuck away. HELP ME! i need to be saved.

Wednesday February 13th, 2013:

theres not a lot of time to write here today...i only got about 3 minutes.. but damn.. i wanna die.. im not going to stopo myself tonight if i wanna cut. i gotta do it.. its to hard. my parents and my one brother are douches..they fucking dont know when to stop making me feel like shit.. i hate it. goddamn.. i cried so much last night.. i wish i were alone.. it'd be easier not to worry about hurting someone.. i hate myself. im absolutly disguesting. fat, ugly and just so gross.. i hate what ive become.. i cant stop myself. it's who i am now..

my razors fell out of my case this morning, it was scary i thought that someone was going to ask me what they were when i bent to pick them up.. i was so shakey.. i hate myself. ughhh. fuck. i hate everyone, my self the absolute most though.. good bye..

Thursday Febraury 14th, 2013:

well.. i stopped the 21 days last night.. 16.. 2 on my thigh, they're small. and the rest between my two arms. im such a fail..

Jake did the cutest thing ever.. he put a bunch of choclate kisses in my locker & taped it saying 'i <3 u' i keep blushing today.. i just told someone i like they're hat & he said he liked my face, i blush to much, i dont like him even, but it was kindda a compliment, soo.. *sigh* i hope shawntay doesnt get mad at me.. i told her i cut in our notebook, i havent told jake & im nott gunna unless he asks.. i cant tell him.. i HATE THAT THEY CARE!!!!!!!!! ugh... i just hurt eveyrone.. i make everyone want to kill themselves.......... FUCK.

ive been handing outt 'my little pony' valentines today.. only 4 gurls, and like 15 or more guys.. the girls are Shawntay, my friend Kenzie, Tabby & Heather. God.. all of them are so FUCKING gorgeous..ugh.. i seriously wish i could be even half as pretty as them.. Shawntay, everything about her is perfect, i wouldnt change a thing. Perfect long hair, flawless skin, perfect body.. McKenzie, she's in love, happy, so beautiful. Tabby, SO gorgeous, i find her easy to talk to and i think we could be pretty good friends. i love her hair.. i want it terribly. and Heather, her makeup, my lord is it always so damn perfect. no flaws to it, always perfect all the damn day long. She may be a bitch sometimes, but she's also hillarious as fuck. i could see me an her being better friends then we are, but not anything long-best friend. but damn.. i wish i were them..

Friday February 15th, 2013:

last night i broke down terribly and cried for hours.. i could stop. my douche fuck parents.. goddamn.. i wish i could just love them and call it good. but my mom comes down and bitches about facebook.. so now i have to delete it.. god. she controls every damn thing of my life.. she doesnt even know what tumblr is or instagram & she fucking wants me to delete them. HELL TO THE FUCK NO! dumbass. i hate her.. she ruins my life..

Tuesday February 19th, 2013:

okay..well this is reallly really stupid.. but on friday, i realized that with my ex boyfriend, he fucked her while we were together & i had sex with him countless times after.. so now i obviously did something wrong. it showed me how worthless i am & how much i seriously fuck people up..it's all my fault. i loved him wrong. i treated him like shit and look where that's gotten me.. im such a pathetic fucking fail of life. i hate myself.. im used and worthless. im the damn slut of the fucking family for fuck's sake!! my oldest brother just got married & the other just got engaged.. ugh..

ive been starving myself latley too.. it's kinda hard because i love eating, but ive been not eating lunch for about a week & i rarley eat at home soo..

[ellerevelle]

okay so im feeling crazy and detached again (as usual lately)

but instead of spiraling into absolute fucking panic, I’m deciding to take today to just ... not wholly subscribe to this manner of thinking BUT. JUST FOR NOW. I feel like taking some of the craziness flack off myself and blaming it on some shit outside of myself. Because feeling this weird and detached cant all just be me. So here’s a brainstorming of whats got me fucked up, in no particular order: 

Trump is our stupid President

That guy who told me he loved me daily and asked me to be his girlfriend after basically living with me immediately after meeting me and I fell for hard despite a ton of red flags CHEATED on me while I was away visiting home. 

And then blamed it on MY bad communication? fuck that guy. 

But now I see one of the girls he slept with (multiple times, three days in a row) I see her everywhere all the time in everyones instagrams, at everyones parties... ugh. 

Um. People are dying. Close to me. More importantly and spefcifically women I love are dead. 

I didnt get to see Inga before she died. I was too busy forging a relationship with CHEATER GUY. Didnt get home in time to see her. Talk to her. 

Grandma. This has been the whole first year without her, come November. Its subtle, but terrible and I hate it. She was my last matriarch. The last woman who’s blood is in me. 

because Mom’s dead too. And has been since August of 2015. 2015, right? God it feels like forever ago now, probably because I’ve pushed it away. She died unexpectedly and NO ONE IN MY FAMILY HAS SAID THE WORD SUICIDE OUT LOUD even though thats what happened. She OD’d on prescribed opiate painkillers to escape her depression. And we NEVER talk about it. 

So I kindof feel insane. Not talking about things that are clearly there. Like, are they not clearly there for anybody else? Now all my women are gone. My brother literally avoids talking about feelings. My dad is a little more receptive but is more the comforting type than the forthcoming, express onesself type. Getting sentimentality out of my brother is like pulling teeth sometimes. But yet if his son does something cute, its God’s Work and he cant help but cry and get that beautiful lovie squishy look on his face. 

I’m jealous of my own nephew. I see the way my Mom loved me, in the way my Brother loves his son. And I miss being that perfect to somebody. My Dad loves me forever and always and there isnt a word for how grateful I feel for our relationship. I dont take that for granted at all. It actually kindof scares me because... hah, well what if Dad dies? Like, before I’m ready? I’ll be even MORE fucked! 

Anyways. Austins been pissing me off. I’m sorry but although Polyamory is possible and cool and im sure quite beautiful for many, 

The Austin poly scene is fucked and tainted and a bunch of slutty people having orgies and not TALKING about anything and its ruining the healthy vibe poly is incumbent upon. 

So, whatever I’m angry. So fuck that noise. 

I feel like because of cheater guy and my anger at the psuedo poly orgy sexy bullshit scene in Austin, I feel like I’ve broken up with a whole group of friends. Like, I dont want to be around any of it. I dont want to see you eat mushrooms and twerk. I dont want to see your stupid, super naked outfit. I dont think its hot you carry a flogger or can pole dance or slink around like a tarantino character. It used to be hot and thrilling and fun, when I felt like it was connected and for love and sharing and caring. But now it all just is slutty and vapid and useless and cold. Like a sad clown. And thats not sexy, its dark and desperate. *this is about both VERY particular people and broad general strokes. There are several extremely amazing friends in the scene and outskirts thereof that truly inspire me and dont fall into this catagory in my mind, although they’d probably still be angry with me for dissing things ^^ the way I just did but. fuck it, this is MY journal entry and I can be irrational if I want to. 

You cant be open fucking minded ALL the time. Sometimes people really arent acting with anyones best intentions but their own. I’ve used up SO MUCH FUCKING ENERGY making myself soften and open and “woke” and trying to go with everybodys flow. And I’m exhausted and over it. I have my own principles and theres nothing wrong with having differing opinions than someone else. 

All summer I’ve been feeling like I’m a bad person for not liking or not understanding this hyper sexual scene in Austin. I thought, “why am I shaming a scene thats giving me opportunity to really shine and be free?” when, in an IDEAL world, yes thats what the scene could be. But in what actually fucking unfolds -- humans SUCK and dudes SUCK and girls SUCK and everybody (especially when horny) are fucking STUUUUPIIIIIDDDD and ideals get thrown out the window! people arent nearly as “woke” as I gave them the actual credit for. Seriously. So! I’m fuckin OUTTIE! 

I’ve felt broken up with a whole scene. FUck cheater guy, fuck poly, fuck orgies, fuck people who are reckless with my love. 

Back to the list:

I’ve been eating too much out of boredom. Which I’ll blame on lack of quality social interaction in this town. Where are the scholars? Where are the sexy edgy BRAINY people? I’m tired of hot people in little clothing in the summer. 

Ah! Another thing for the list. its been TOO FUCKING HOT OUT. FOR MONTHS. 100 DEGREES FOR MONTHS. thats enough to make anyone insane. 

So i’m sick of teenie boppers in their nothing outfits in the heat. 

I want old smart people in peacoats. I miss books and weather and frowns. Irritable debates about literature or physics or religious theories. 

I only like my own brand of cigarettes. 

My roommates are annoying me. I dont really like my house anymore. Theres too many humans and not enough square footage. Four people to one kitchen is TOO MUCH SHIT. EVERYONE BUYS THEIR OWN BANANAS AND THEY ALLLLLL GO BROWN ON THE TABLE. thats four peoples worth of bad bananas. FUcking stupid. 

I dont have a hairdresser here. Sometimes when I feel shitty I like to throw money at the problem. Buy something. Get a haircut. See a show. Etc. 

And my hairdresser love is in Philadelphia and getting a flight to get a haircut is slightly insane (without a longer visit)

I miss Adam. 

What else can I blame my upset on. Shitty politics, shitty weather, shitty social sexual scene in my town, I dont like my house, I dont like my hair. Its too expensive to live here. No one in my immediate acquaintance or friend circle seems interested in the sort of romantic relationship I’m seeking, nor if they did does anyone have the “it” factor I look for which I’ll *try* to describe maybe in another post. 

So. I sit inside my room and try to fix stupid remedial things as if itd make a big impact. I tidy and put away clothes in attempt to feel less cluttered but am too scared to make BIG cuts and BIG changes. So instead I light insence and watch netflix and eat too much. I have started going to Barre3 again more and have been semi regular with therapy so thats something. 

I really ought to start doing “morning pages” like the book Fiona loaned me suggests in its FIRST GODDAMN CHAPTER. But, alas, I am lazy. 

No, I have become recently lazy. 

I’m spoiled. I dont do things I dont want to do. Its a major character flaw. I only push and struggle if I see worthyness in it, and lately theres been serious lack of evidence of that in, well, anything.

 #depression! 

so, I guess in summation- because nothing has been a WORTHWHILE struggle, EVERYTHING feels like a struggle. Humph. thats... thats not good. But it does, because i dont see the worth in a lot of goals or tasks or even relationships, (and i dont mean the greedy “what can I GET for ME out of this!” sort of b.s.) (I mean the... conserve precious energy, is this going to teach me something or help me grow as a person or bring love into my life sort of vibe) ...

when I dont think the energy expenditure is going to pay off, I dont do it. Or I do it half way or lazily or with tentative fear. I guess I could do an experiment and just do everything with HOPE and see if my energy put in will get a different result... but. like. I feel like I did that all summer and he cheated on me. And my “friends” said “dont be angry, be poly” and I couldnt call on my Mom or Grandma and so I call on eating and isolation and running away to visit home where no one cares I dont have a job. where the house is big and the air is cold and my friends are smart. 

I really miss Kristian. That was one of the greatest feelings of self love in my entire life. I felt like, if someone that special noticed ME. Saw ME. Little old, semi chubby, not famous ME, and wanted me around for a couple tour dates. Then I ought to believe in myself TOO. I wanted to dance, I wanted to make art, I wanted to take photos, I wanted to be bold, I wanted to be humble, I felt so open and content with myself. I was motivated to work out, I was motivated to eat healthy and clean and small portions. It was easy. It felt so fun. I loved him. I dreamt big. My imagination was so warm and excited. My inner critic was GONE. 

But he faded away. He got back with his ex. The shooting star left the sky. I’m still grateful for the experience at all, but. 

I feel a little stupid for thinking anything could’ve happened. 

And I truly miss feeling so special and excited about life. 

I dont want to run away from Austin out of fear. But I cant tell if I’m unhappy and want to leave genuinely, or if this is the spoiled part of me thats like, “this sucks, lets leave.” instead of pushing though, curating something better with some struggle, and sticking it out. 

How do people make big life decisions like this? I feel like thats what marriages do. People stay together and fight. But sometimes they get divorced anyways, its just been longer. More years wasted. When maybe it wouldve been healthier to leave sooner and cut the cord and be free to live without, sooner. 

I really like a lot of things about this city. But I really dislike a lot too. And I cant tell where I want my life to go, in a grand sense, so its hard to pick which attributes will matter in the long run. 

I dont think I should leave yet. Maybe a new house. Or like, serious efforts to declutter this one. Is this just excuses? Ugh. 

Declutter this house. If that doesnt feel better, leave the house and move to a new part of austin. If that doesnt feel better, leave austin. 

I need a job. 

[sixcastappreciation]

sixcago gave me my gay rights

alternative title: review of the evening sixcago show on july third

this is like almost 4k and its mostly just rambling but i need to express how much i love sixcago

like at least half of this is just me being gay so i bolded some of the things that i found really interesting and isnt just me like, freaking out

so to start off: holy shit. the energy of the entire show was amazing, it was really funny and fun and the acting/dancing/singing was on point like i cant think of a single complaint on the part of any of them.

so to get into the actual show

ex wives

when the curtain came up and the smoke started pouring out i actually felt my soul leave my body it was such a good moment

less than thirty seconds in brittney mack made eye contact with me and i swear to god my heart stopped and i honestly had trouble focusing on the rest of the song

i am not exaggerating that is the whole truth and nothing but the truth

shes............. literally so good im still shaking as i write this like three hours later

the third repetition of the rhyme where they all sound kinda pissed off? they nailed that

adrianna was so cute when she said “you wont try that again”

andrea holy shit. thats really a wrap on that

abby got that like, kinda head in the clouds thing that i feel like is janes Brand during this part

when he saw my portrait he was like JaaAAaaa

i love brittney mack

courtney knew what she was doing with that prick line. get it girl

anna has the most angelic voice i swear to god

the six of them work really well together on stage???? like i know its all choreo and stuff but you could Feel the energy that they had together it was good

oh man the choreo for the end. im so gay

intro thingy:

adrianna with that riff!!!!! we stan

annas face after “herstory” was iconic. she knew what she had done wrong

you couldnt hear the intro for maggie bc people were cheering so loud

the way adrianna says maria made me gay

abby also knows what she had to say. she knows how cursed janes sense of humor is and she was really playing it up

protestent............ protestant

“we’ll tell you what you want what you really really want” this made me laugh so hard i dont rly remember the next like thirty seconds because i was dying

“the biggest.... the firmest......... the fullest..............” im. i cant

no way

“maria” AGAIN adrianna please. please i cant handle it

“OH muy bien aHHah” not to be Lesbian On Main but fuck this was so cute

her emotion during the monologue was SO funny

it was peak, it was so good

she really gets it. i dont totally know what it is but this aragon monologue gets it

when she said “really trying” she did like, a motion. i cant go into more detail but Fuck

so after “move me into a convent” everyone like, gathered around aragon and adrianna did a

well idk what youd call it but a like

her entire torso swung around in a huge circle right before “i dont think i’d look that good in a wimple”

and idk what it was but that part just made me Lose It

adrianna had this way of making it all a little funnier?

like catherine is usually pretty Serious, i think but it felt like adrianna knew she was playing a character who was Like That, if you will, and was kinda leaning into breaking the fourth wall a little

i can probably elaborate if that doesnt make sense

you say its a pity cos quoting leviticus ill end up kiddiless all my life

she said that with such conviction goddamn

oh, he doesnt remember

this was so good

the “sh-”s were really funny

the fucking. i dont know what it is but the *ting*

holy shit

i cant put into words

how much i loved that part

the pause after “i’ll go” was............ expansive

i just checked it was 10 whole seconds

that doesnt sound long but it felt like forever

she went high on “end of my life” and thank u for mine adrianna hicks

the amount of no’s was impressive and im heart eyes for it

adrianna just had really good stage presence

like i caught myself looking at her during the dance breaks of all the songs when i wasnt looking at brittney

it was just so fun to watch her go!

dluh

during the intro of like “yeah, you know, the really important one” andrea was doing some Dumb Shit in the background

like i dont know exactly what it was but she was just like

idk like noodling around in the back

and i caught her eye and she like, smiled a little

the gasps the rest of them did were....... cute

then andrea busted out a full on fucking witches cackle

then she stuck her tongue out and looked like she was taking a selfie and it was so cute

like, her tongue was OUT

“not my thing” had the BIGGEST uwu energy of anything ive ever heard

i thought people were kidding when they said andrea boleyn had uwu energy

they were not

pret a manger barely came across as a real line it was more like, an experience

the sorry not sorry choreo. its so funny and cute and simultaneously cursed

the way andrea delivered her lines here was just

it was like, cutesy and fun but also kind of cursed

uwu

when she said “are you blind” andrea like, gestured to herself, in a like “look how hot i am” kinda way

which might be the standard? either way it made me laugh a lot

don’t be bitter/cos im fitter was the only line in the entire production said with a british accent and it fucking slayed me on sight one hit ko

i actually like that they changed “mate, what was i meant to do” to “wait, what was i meant to do” because

it implies that anne had no other train of thought than the one she was on and thats very funny to me

i think it fits w andreas portrayal too

everyone was like, fake crying when anne fake walked down the aisle and it was really funny imo

and as soon as she got to the end anne like, turned, yk?

bro just shut up

the entire audience gasped after that

andrea had actual like, panic on her face

then she led into “i guess he just really liked my head”

and there was a beat after that, where everyone laughed

it was long enough that everyone got the joke

then she mimed the blow job

her riff on “hell”? iconic

“wait, didnt you actually die” no jane she was beheaded but she was fine

abby seymour said dumbass rights she has the Dumbest Bitch energy god

“catherine of aragon had tragically died” catch adrianna looking like, yeah it was so sad for me, how terrible, right?

then boleyn goes off

the. fury, passion, anger, zest, contained in andreas “MASSIVE-”

“over my dead body” andrea gave her this look like, youre damn right it will be

heart of stone

oof

okay so the monologue

oof

“i was lucky. okay, i was really lucky” o o f

“edwina” is still cursed tho

i dont know what it was about this. i dont know if it was abby, or the dialogue, or just it being live but

this made it clear that jane had been Through It

like, this monologue came across (to me at least) as unquestionably a “woman who was abused trying to justify it to herself” kind of situation

“and that’s not because i was scared,” she said, wearing an absolutely terrified expression

this is where she started tearing up i think

okay i gotta take a moment here because

abby was fully crying before the song even started

like somewhere about halfway through her monologue she started tearing up

i was looking for it specifically

i wrote this before the last part so see above

so by the first fucking like of hos you could hear her voice breaking

holy shit ms meuller what the fuck

im not kidding who gave her the right

at the stagedoor she said that after this she was like, “well thats it for my makeup” when someone complimented her song

she is crying. the first chorus and she is actively crying. in the breaks between her lyrics you can hear her crying

abby went high on a couple of notes in here

she riffed on “truthfully” and it was, wow

she didnt go for the whistle tones which was, honestly? the most relatable thing in this entire show

but a couple of the other notes she went high on and they were so killer

there was a second or two of pause after the end where everyone just, absorbed things before the applause

i have some questions for abby about this actually because i dont know if its just because the monologue was different than im used to but

i just want to know if abby meant to have everything come off like That but god

the mental gymnastics jane is doing here are so intense

this performance genuinely changed how i listen to hos forever

i dont think i can ever peacefully listen to this song again

this song gave me so many layered emotions thank u abby mueller

haus of holbein

hans................................. *holbein*

the chaos

i honestly barely remember most of it it was

i had no idea who to be looking at

but i remember it being beautiful

i dont have the words to express how

fucking funny it was

the accents were hilarious

like they werent great german accents, but that made it far better

they were leaning into the ridiculousness of it all

the way abby said “but we cannot guarantee that you’ll still walk at forty” had me on the ground

ive spent the last 24 hrs trying to figure out exactly why it was so funny and i think i got it

she dropped the german accent

and she straight up sounded like she was reading off the side effects of a pharmaceutical ad on tv

the freeze frame? legendary

anna and courtney (im pretty sure?) managed to look so genuinely offended that henry swiped left on them

your highness your highness your highness

god adrianna please

actually every h sound that came out of their mouths

but adrianna Got It

get down

oh god i gotta talk about “didnt live up to his expectations”

brittney like, half took off her jacket and gestured to her body and like, body rolled a bit and honestly? i was fucking dead

the sarcasm really jumped out here. brittney went off in the best way possible

she was fully fake sobbing right before “tragic”

fucking legend

brING me some pheasant!

the woof line is always a good moment but their facial expressions really made it work here

this song has the most outwardly complex choreo (ofc i cant speak to its actual difficulty) and every single one of them crushed it

brittney made eye contact w me again on “looking cute” and im deceased

oh god after “take my fur” she whispered “thank you. honestly” and gestured to herself again and like, i was dying

iirc brittney was like, skipping across the stage or something on “i look more rad” and snapped into position for “lutheranism”

we gotta take a moment to appreciate the operatic talent of that one “get down you dirty rascal” instead of the slo mo

like, ofc the slo mo is a good moment but

brittney went full opera and it was,

wow

shes got a voice on her holy shit

so much talent in such a tiny body

aCHYEAH

she picked the person sitting next to me to dance w her and

they did their cute little dance thing and then brittney gestured like, go sit down, and the person did, then stood back up and started dancing again

not like, in a bad way i dont think

it was super fuckin funny and after the song brittney was like “oh that was cute you think youre funny”

but i heard them talking at the stagedoor and like, brittney was chill it wasnt like a violation of anything

im not explaining it very well but it was really funny in person

everything about her on stage was just, so enrapturing

i dont have too many specific notes about this song because it would probably turn into just, me being gay, which is enough of this already

anyway! get down was good brittney mack is a stellar cleves

her fake crying is next level tho

the confrontation

boleyn, unprompted: i lost my head!

the beheaded cousins high fived after “nice neck” and like, stuck out their necks a bit it was so funny

seymours “i died”

we all know abby is gonna kill her line delivery

but GOD

and then after, she like, realized what she had said and struck a pose like, shit please still think im regal

the line itself was actually pretty, uhhhh, sad

theres something about boleyn roasting khoward in andreas voice

courtney with that “and your songs” had perfect timing

also “when will justice be SERVED” had such good punch to it

after she did that she like

rubbed her hand on janes face

and abby looked SO offended

theres something so, sincere about courtneys delivery of her roasts that i hadnt been getting and its SO much funnier to me

i forget exactly where but at some point boleyn aragon and howard were arguing

and in the background it really looked like seymour and cleves were having a normal conversation and i lost it like. they were just chattin

there were a couple moments of like, cleves and seymour interacting and it was interesting

aywd

courtney! mack! took! no! prisoners!

jesus christ

okay so i dont know if other howards do this or if it was just because i was seeing it live and up close and that made the difference but

for me the most compelling part of this howard was the fear

like yes there was the sadness/anger/etc like there was good emotion but

from the “he says we have a connection” re: henry, and then on, everything about courtneys body language just screamed that she was afraid

idk i might expand on this in a separate post because its a darker topic but yeah. holy shit that was emotional

not a single person clapped after the last line. they all waited until after “yeah, and then i was beheaded” before clapping

like the theater was dead silent. DEAD silent

it was like, so haunting because it was just courtney on stage at that point, with just the white spotlight on her, it was a Moment

im not sure i have the heart right now to get too deep into this

if it would be particularly interesting to anyone feel free to ask, im happy to get more into it but idk its just Emotional

actually this is already so long ima go for it

so on each “we have a connection” it was uhhhh parr and aragon (i think) who each put a hand on like, her clavicle

and for the first two verses she grabbed one of the hands and was like, flirty? ig

but on the one about henry seymour also put a hand around her waist and she like

she freaked out

and listening back to the audio i can

unpopular opinion perhaps but the actual emotion of her on stage didnt come thru in the audio

because it was so physical

like you could see how scared she was

which made it more relateable to me honestly

like she looked so so scared

it was heartbreaking

the confrontation part ii

oh BOOH OO MISTERESSES

“okay catherine, babes” is CUTE fight me

anna looked like, progressively more concerned as that beat went on, and then she just kinda like, deflated? it was really funny tbh

idk her parr feels Different than the parr im used to

during “oh im catherine parr i draw the line in arbitrary places” courtney was playing with her hair it was hashtag cute

BACKING VOCALS RIP CATHY PARR

idnyl

a cute little b flat major 7

yeah anna parr seems

hmm

she seems like she’s just, over henry

like from the start she just has no time for him

idk im Conceptualizing

anna uzele is

her voice is next level

she put survived in the “got married to the king became the one who survived” in air quotes which i think is an interesting note

anna got really physically into the “remember that...” bit of it and everyone in the back was also having a good time with it it was Good

andrea. she stuck her pointer finger between two of her other fingers on her other hand for the “my sixth finger” line and it was SO funny

khoward keeping aragon in line was

not the hot take i was expecting but nevertheless the one we deserved

both for “dissolution of the monasteries” and “well actually”

idk it was a cute character moment

one of *unsure, disgusted, vaguely annoyed* siiiIIIiix

abby was right in front of me and she looked SO uncomf

yeah, i read

iconique

andrea like, threw her head back for this line

the pause after “theres not much we can do about it now” is

painfully long and so so so funny

i was only really looking at brittney but she was like, arms down head up no body language it was SO funny

also her “yeah?” ended my life

she raised the mic up to her mouth while not moving an inch of the rest of her body

the part where they get all meta. has me dead

it was about halfway through this second part that i realized cleves had her coat back. i dont know when that happened. if anyone else knows when exactly anna of cleves gets her coat back after it gets taken off in get down please tell me. i genuinely want to know

this actually distracted me

i got vibes that they genuinely hated henry during this part

first off, mood

secondly, good

annas riffing. god.

she is so talented

dsfjksdf they all straight up left

six

the opening moment is really sweet and kinda funny

abby again killing it with janes cursed lines

courtney howard is actually so cute

when shes not being heartbreakingly sad that is

like her “bye!” was so cute

theyre all so supportive of each other its very cute

megasix

adrianna and abby both looked into my camera and like, i died

at the end anna and brittney were doing some dumb shit as they walked off stage and it was SO cute

after the show

i went to the stagedoor and it was a really fun experience! ive never done that before

it seemed like everyone was being pretty respectful and stuff, thank u six fans for being sane

i got four signatures on my program dklfjsldfjds

abby was such a sweetheart, we actually talked a tiny bit

i told her i loved her line delivery (because uhhhhhh i do) and she said that she tries to get in that comedic timing when she has Those Lines and like yeah

she was seriously the nicest

the ladies in waiting came out as well and everyone cheered for them and lets be real they DESERVE it

lemme sidebar here actually and talk about the ladies in waiting because

they killed it

bessie on the bass was living her best life at literally all times

brittney was also super sweet! i told her she had good energy (because uhhhhhh she does) and she was very nice about it!!!

i didnt really talk to anna or andrea but i got their signatures!

also speaking of my program im still losing my mind over “remembered for: headlessness” and “remembered for: staying alive”

thank u sixcago program

in conclusion! this was such a great+special experience!!! all of the actors were incredible, it was so wonderful

im also not claiming any of this stuff was unique to this performance or to sixcago in general this was just the stuff i noticed as i was watching it. if you clown on this post ill end u

[nothingnessthots]

Amazing

I loved everything about today. for my first time ever tripping i wouldnt have wanted to do it with anyone other than the one and only Sydney, I felt everything i was looking at and there were moments when all i could decipher was the ground pulsating underneath my body as i sprawled in the forest of hoover. Everything was so real and living and it really made me realize that everything else literally doesnt matter. my friends are so amazing and made sure i didnt die and i dont think its because they wanted to or had to but its because they wanted me to be alive and you know thats why were all here. my friends are all so supportive and amazing i couldnt ask for anyone better. MGMT WHEN YOU DIE. all i know. is that acid is amazing. we went out there. WE WERE SO NOT READY CJNDJNDJK WE LITERALLY HAD NO WATER OR PHONES WE COULDA PASSED OUT BUT WE MADE IT. Mother earth herself granted us with Water. im so grateful for this beautiful place we live on. literally i was sitting on a piece of the world with my best friend for hours. watching the water come out of the dam looking like a whole ass daisy blooming in slow motion in front of my eyes but in reality it was moving so fast and it wasnt a flower but water fucking flowing. the water sounded like kali uchis voice. soothing and almost spiritual.i wish i could still see everything moving. -see you again tyler the creator- can i get a kissssssssss - back to the water, i def cried looking at it. we cried a lot. it felt beautiful. “is it raining or are these tears?” we literally wouldnt stop crying and thinking it was raining and now that i think of it i really wish it rained but we can save that for another time. our trip was so random but expected ya know. i asked sydney if she wanted to trip because i was thinking about buying some and it just HAPPENED. SYDNEY IS THAT BITCH. i really needed this trip day so i can relax and say fuck everything!!! you already know i got home though (after being gone for an entire fucking week in florida) threw all my shit into the washer and got all my goodies cleaned so i can be cutie again. then tripped. lmao we love a responsible queen. im currently listening to music and writing this. having such a fun time at 3:05 in the morning and i got home at 1:30. i bet you if i text sydney she would still be awake right now. i have terrible lock jaw but thats honestly it man. this is what im listening to right fucking now. i dont know whos going to read this. but if you are. i love you. i need you so. this song is adorable i just started typing it out lmao i feel like i need to sleep soon but i have so many things flowing through my mind i sort of want to play around on tumblr. all i want to say is thank you. we are more than amazing and the thots and nothingness that are coming out of my brain right now only make sense to me and thats okay. life. is. amazing, ohio really isnt too bad. it gave me the exact trip i was wanting my whole life. rolling around in a field in barely any clothing looking up at the sky watching the clouds turn into faces and look as if they are going to fall out of the sky onto me in a big embrace. i wanted to hug the earth, i hugged carlo in those moments. FLASH FORWARD to when we were in a car. im telling you me and syd shouldnt have been un super vised but we made it home safe and im going to add those videos onto here sometime. i took a lot of cool videos and i wish i had sydneys camera so i could mess around with all the footage and make something. i definitely need to go somewhere i can submerge my body into a perfectly warm form of water next time. the beach was fucking amazing last week too like i feel like i didnt get to experience it with anyone but lex. I started crying at one point in the trip because lex was not there. i cant believe my bff is out in florida doing what i did a year ago in california like that was a real life trip. i felt like even though me and lex are so far apart we still got each other and thats what its all about. next time i trip it will be with lex and we will cry and hug so much. im crying typing this right now. thinking about my best friend and how i love him with every piece of my HEART. thats how i feel about cheerleading too.  YO I DID A BACK FLIP ON ACID BTW FUCK WITH ME BITCHES WE GOT IT ON TAPE AND THAT JUST SHOWS I WILL FOREVER BE ABLE TO FLIP MY BODY. im going to continue doing it forever. omgggggg midway through my trip STEPHANIE TEXTED ME and asked me to go to the gym TO TEACH A CLASS!!!!!!! i said no so fast. i almost freaked out and told her i was on acid but that would have ruined my vibe so thank god i didnt. but who else would that happen to. literally just me. i felt like i was in that episode of broad city where they eat shrooms and had to go to her bosses work to deliver her macaroons. this so throughout this piece i have been adding random songs that have begun playing on my youtube that have distracted but also helped me throughout this process. im shocked at how i did not get horny throughout my trip. ive been so sexuallly frustrated for no reason at all. i dont need to be frustrated over something like that and literally everyone was on their periods so women rule anyways!!! women are just as great as men and we can reproduce a fucking child in my stomach which is awesome but like why would anyone need that right now you know. basically what im saying is i got my period and we are working well. we as in me and my body. i had a very disassociating trip in my opinion. i felt as if i was just a soul settling in the warmth and comfort of my body. i felt as if i could step out of my body and observe it. i always want to feel the way i did as i was looking at everything. to conclude my flow of thoughts and nothingness i will leave you with this, you are amazing and alive and know that i am sending every possible positive force i have in myself to you. goodnight. 

[myheartdoessink]

angela

im definitely a full believer that everything happens for a reason. there is a reason you came into my life. the life lessons that you have taught me in the last few years is something im going to take with me forever. at many points in our relationship i thought you were the one but with every argument is was followed by maybe this isnt for us. it doesnt matter because no matter what you were to me you had a such a huge piece of my heart and i think you forever will. the text that i read that night i know wasn’t the real angela. when i started to date nathan i think that was a wake up call for you that you need to move on and you were going to do whatever it takes to do it. i wish you would have told me how you were feeling then. i wish you would have told me that you saw something with us and seeing with him hurt you to a point of no return. i wish you have told me anything but you didnt. communition has never been our strong suit but anything would have been better than nothing 

i think this is truly what happened. i think that you told jamie at one point that i wasnt a fan of hers. jamie then, thinking as a manipulative person would, saw it as a game, like a revenge because people like her cant stand when someone doesnt like them and they are going to make sure that they pay. she was coming on to you, and guessing you denied it at first but loved the attention and her company but when you saw me with nathan you were like fuck it. jamie made it a mission to put a bad taste in her mouth about me and paint me in a terrible light. like im some evil person who just used you. i think at some points, it worked. 

you see angela, thats the difference between you and i. no matter any negative things i heard about you, no matter what point in our lives we were, i would never talk like the way you did about me. you were my heart, my soul, my fucking rock, and i truly thought you had my best interest at heart. maybe you did, maybe you didnt, buy after reading what you had said, you absolutely did not. 

i have read those messages so much i can read them to you by heart and to think that was only a few weeks worth? i cant imagine what else has been said or done. 

the night i read them, we kissed.  i dont know if it was just a normal kiss to you but it sent me on a different planet of emotions that i absolutely longed for. i fucking missed you so much. i missed your hugs, your sarcastic humor, your smile, your laugh, your beautiful big brown eyes, (your boobs/butt but that is a given), i just missed you. holy fuck did i miss you. 

i wish i wouldnt have gotten the covid vaccine that day because maybe things would have pan out differently. maybe i would have felt so much better and things would have escalated faster into us making love and maybe it brought back all the good memories we shared together. 

you went out for a smoke and ask me is it was ok. why? you knew you wanted to just to call jamie so why ask me if it was ok? i said i would kiss your forehead on a ventilator to have you just mock me later on to jamie. 

i wanted so bad for us to make love that night. i wanted for you to take a bath with me. i wanted us to have a good night because its been too long since we had one. never in my wildest dreams did i i think i would have discovered what i did. 

i took a bath and you passed out on the couch. i came out shirtless trying to give you all the kisses but you wouldnt budge. i tried to get you to the bed but you also werent wanting that either. now looking back on it is it because you didnt want to sleep in the same bed as me anymore so you could tell jamie you didnt? i dont know but i let you stay on the couch with fri. i went to your bathroom to make sure you had motrin when you wake up, you didnt so i gave you mine and put it in the bottle where you were sleeping so fri or roo couldnt get to it, and then i plugged your phone in. 

i saw that jamie texted you but at this point it was 3:30 am so i knew it my gut something was up. i stared at it hoping and praying it was just going to say “happy new year” or something work related. I tried to let it go but the more i thought about it, the more it was eating me alive so i looked. i shouldnt have looked. i respect you and i respect your privacy but it that moment i was selfish and wanted to know that was happening. 

when i read those messages angela i thought i was in an actual nightmare. i truly did not think that this was reality and i was seeing it right so all i could do was take pictures to know that im for real seeing what im seeing and that im not crazy. im shaking while righting this but i never thought that two people could be so mean and cruel and for what? i didnt do anything to jamie and for you to just go along with it and antagonize her about me at what point? let me take you through some of my racing thoughts while reading:

“this cant be real life”

“this cant be real life”

“i need to wake up”

“theres no way my angela would say this”

“this cant be my manager”

“im going to throw up, i have to stop reading”

and it was. it was my manager that you were having a full on affair with. now i am not upset or was i ever upset about you having a relationship with someone else. would that hurt? absolutely but i would have understood and moved on with some level of respect for you. but for this to happen with my manager? i swear to you i have never felt this type of betrayal and i hope to god you will never have to experience it and if you have, im so sorry. 

i can no longer take a bath, run, do anything or express my emotions/personal and vulnerable moments without thinking they are going to be said to others. youve broken the biggest bond of trust i had with someone and i dont know how im ever going to get that back, with anyone, or ever. 

when i left that night with my mom on the phone it was very clear you didnt care about my well being, you cared about jamie and protecting her. that was made more clear when i saw that even after i discovered the messages, you saw her the next day. 

i was going back and forth if i should tell cori. when reading the ccf policies and with encouragement of my family, i came to the conclusion that it was the best thing for me to do. i was that nothing bad would happen to you which is why i made the decision to go to cori. 

i know you cant see it right now and maybe you will never see it but jamie is a disgusting manipulative selfish human who has absolutely no right to be over seeing anyone. just try to put yourself in my shoes, there is no way i could let this continue any further. i needed out of g100 because i knew if i didnt, things would have gotten so much worse. 

bring it up to cori’s attention has brought on so many mixed feelings. on one hand, im happy i stood up for my myself and used my own moral compass to help. but on the other, i know i hurt you and thats what keeps me up at night crying and eating me alive. my therapist and family said i did the right thing but it feels so fucking wrong. i dont care what happens with jamie (to an extent) but with you, angela when i say that the last thing i ever wanted was for you to get hurt, i truly mean that. ive said it before and ill say it again, i would take all the suffering in the world if it meant that you didn’t have to. 

i dont know when we will talk again or if we ever will, but im writing this with the most heaviest heart, i love you. even though you said those things and you did what you did, i feel like i know the true angela and i forgive you. i hope someday youll find it in your heart to forgive me too. 

i told renata to make sure you’re okay and all i can do at this point is let god and the universe take its course. i hope one day our paths will cross again. 

time heals all wounds. i have to say goodbye for now. 

i love you forever and always sis, 

liz

[spentgladiator]

Year in review???

So 2017 was a big year!!! Last year i got my license and this year i got a sweet ride (thank you so much to @the-avenginator for all the help!!!!) that can get me places and places it did get me!!! I moved into a place just me and Mark!! Ugh commitment is weird. This is the first time since HS ive been consistently with someone from the beginning of the year to the end. How bizarre.

A lot of things i had always taken for granted got changed in my life this year, cat moved away and (CAT DO NOT READ) i definitely cried about it a whole bunch secretly because well. Sometimes its ok if people making the right choices for themselves makes others very sad, its very rare that other peoples decisions are meant to make you sad, even if thats a result. Its an unfortunate side effect of difference.

I saw los camp, live in Vancouver when they dropped Sick Scenes and in doing so took my very first real adult vacation, and reconnected with someone i had thought i lost forever. What a sweet and simple treasure, what a dream come true, all of it. Gareth autographed a cd for me and.... spelled my name so phenomenally wrong. Honestly? It fits so much into the god damn narrative thread of my life that i cant even be mad, only damned amused.

Coming off of birth control was very difficult. Being on it did what it always does, and made me really really sick both mentally and physically (think big angry cold sores and chronic yeast infections, something about bc DESTROYS my immune system tho i believe that the mental stress brought on by the imbalanced hormones is what really causes it yknow? Like when youre living every day in what is essentially a perpetual anxiety attack? Not healthy. Not fun. Fuck all that noise.)

My birthday party this year was possibly the best night ive ever had. It was just a few folks at my house, a big roarin fire in the pit and some inebriants. I made alfredo at like 2am and as we were all layin around on my bdrm floor all i could think is "god it feels like it used to" while cradling andrews head and trying not to cry bahaha

I got really close with scoot who turned out to be one of the coolest dudes i ever met. @co0t ily, imy, hope to see you sooooooon!!! Because he also moved away and it also made me very sad :(

I did smth im really proud of this year, i stood up to my boss who was not paying us up to labour code. It was very scary, i am not the kind of person who is very good at standing up to authority but i called her t.f. out in our work facebook group in front of everyone so that she couldnt dismiss my concerns (as she had done to other employees in the past who brought things like this up privately. However unlike the past girls i did my research and had receipts from the labour code ready) that was a day i spent 3hrs on the phone bahahahaha but now we all get paid a lot more than we used to (to the tune of, at minimum for me, $15/wk usually a lot more)

I made countless trips back home to see my mom and went to the other city to see my sibling @carlos-isnt-all-that-perfect and they stayed at my house and we played jackbox and went swimming this summer.

Speaking of this summer? Can you say BEACH DAYS??? OH MY GOD I CANT COUNT HOW MANY DAYS I SPENT AT THE BEACH THIS YEAR. truthfully? @all my beach babes...@lanternkicker and johann i dont have ur tumlr and scoot and @therealstifler all of y'all made my summer worthwhile!!!

Also lilly and i laid to waste every decent yard sale in the tri county area bahahahaha!!! Got some gr8 scores, like a bunch of good board games for like ten dollars!!

Mark and i went to edmonton to see Blind Pilot!!!!!! We were there in the city less than 12hrs, damn being working stiffs!!! It was a great trip but i get very emotional at 4am as andrew and ty would learn like two weeks later LOL!!! Mark and I also went to Callaway park and it was a BLAST!!! His friend is a higher up there and even let us use some line jumper passes on the log ride!!!!! Oh my god he was so scared!!!! Bahahahahahahaha ❤❤❤

I took my shitty little neon to the coast and back. Twice. It was a dreamy drive, all four times. Even the time i was sleeping, it was all perfect and i love the two of you so frikken much ❤❤❤❤❤❤ got thrown in a pool, left my phone at the bar, everything was so amazingly perfect.

When i got back i had a wild night out of the time stream with the softest, sweetest boy and it was an amazing night and he bought me cigarettes and i chain smoked as we wandered around the city at 4am and just talked and i love him i love him i will always always always love him ❤❤

This fall everything went completely off the fkn rails and there was some really terrible shit to trudge through. Work pretty much consumed my soul, i sprained my ankle so bad i had to be home for six days but i made the most of it and took up painting again!!! I did some cool shit im really proud of :) someone i love very much got caught up in some very terrible stuff but it all worked out in the end and everyone was safe, and very very very loved ❤❤❤

"I just love that paul giamatti lookin motherfucker" -me at countless points this year

Finally started hanging out with @mollycolliex again!!! Missed u boo!!! I know things suck, but im glad ur still around!!

Christmas was nice :) this year has been the first year in a while ive worked the same job all the way thru the year and so its nice having a guaranteed income so christmas was much easier than last year. I got super drunk at my work party but managed to not make a huge ass of myself and thats all we can really ask for bahahahahaha

Anyway i love every single person i saw this year and i love every single person reading this!!! Its been weird, but its been fun. Hope to see you all next year!!!!

[teddy-feathers]

Me: having a fucking break down.

Ranting about issues that matter to me. Making mopey fucking comments.

I realize it happens frequently. I realize there's no help to be had. I realize i just have to muster up and do it... Or find an alternative solution.

But it makes it all the more noticable when she doesn't... Seem to notice. Or say anything. Or focuses on the wrong thing. Or how can you like every fucking post but miss the important ones. Or not worry on the times I'm radio silent.

Maybe raido silence from me is the expectation anymore. I dont know.

I dont think I've really paid attention the last several phone conversations we've managed just because I'm getting to the point I only have enough spoons to deal with so much emotional bag and I realize Ive already checked more than my fair amount but Im also dealing with my mom and my dad and work and having to fight off anxiety attacks before after and INSTEAD of social activities.

And i have other people who are going through a rough patch. And the shit with the car. Hell 99% of my recharge/ coping is just staring at Tumblr mindlessly. Cant even read or play video games without guilt or I just end up staring aimlessly at tumblr because tumblr wont make me feel things Im trying to not feel.

But... Nada you know?

No worried messages. Maybe an I love you but its more of "im lonely and i miss you pay attention to me" than "im worried about you"

I dont... Talk really. Or rant or vent or... Share. I'll make a couple of comments but really its just. Listening. Trying to maybe comment and being happy at least shes rambling about things shes enjoying and that things are going well.

And when there is a problem... I try to refocus. Dont panic, worry about what you can do. Youll get through this you have options and viable plans if you follow through. Distract until youve processed and calm - watch a funny thing. Or watch a sad thing so youll feel better after crying cause happy ending. Eat. Drink. Fluids. Rest. Itll turn out okay one way or another.

Then redirect convo to happier topics until she sounds a bit happier.

Her: sometimes i dont want solutions i just want to cry and have you tell me everythings going to be okay.

I just. I cant do that. What lie to you? What allow you to sit there and break down and do NOTHING to attempt to help? I cant even let people bitch without trying to "help" or "fix" things or at least explain something. And most of the time I'm barely okay emotionally I CANT handle other people breaking down and HELPLESS because EVERYTHING is terrible and there is no way out. I HAVE to try and find a way out. Usually with far too many words.

More to the point... Dating me has always been this huge thing. Like it matters to her. Because "I'm all she wants" ? But. I'm really not and I could list all sorts of things she wants and needs that I just. Dont. Do. Wont do.

It matters to her and it doesnt to me and we are best friends so what does it matter?

Only while it has fixed some problems because she's happy with that... I swear its just an idea, a possession of having me forever maybe? Idk. And of being in a relationship...

Long term it just isnt sustainable because of things like this.

She wants me to be jelly but she could date like a hundred people or sleep with them rn and I wouldnt care if she was happy healthy and they treated her right.

But... I feel like... I'm alway breaking down or having shit go wrong and she's never there, never notices, never says anything aside from... Irrelevant comments and I notice and feel that and try to give the benifit of the doubt because hell its not like we get a chance to bs very often and that is mostly my fault.

But she calls and I just. Cant. Sometimes. Or its all surface bs. Or it is cool stuff but I just... I'm glad shes happy.

Or she calls and I just cant but she sounds upset so i swallow it and try and then I get this bs.

Or I say hey i dont want to talk about xzy

Okay but one last thing -

Or hey i HAVE to go now

Awwwww okay but - keeps talking

Or its always some smarter last word feeling thing with her. She doesn't mean to but she treats people like theyre stupid.

Or how she got into a huge fight with my family on facebook amd neither side respected the fact I dont do face book and Im not getting in fucking volved just leave me out of it...

But she cant unfriend my fam cause that's "weird" even though it'd STOP shit like this from happening but yeah not apologizing to my aunt for some series fuck up on her part is okay.

I just. For the longest time I hated the idea of dating. Hated relationships because of all the bullshit and honestly I was never going to let anyone treat me the way dad and mom treat each other.

Then... I tried it. And it was terrifying amd fun but in retrospect I just like having friends. And dating amd friend stuff for me just. I do the same things. And sex I just dont want to have anything to do with me personally but Ive tried dating and sex and I'm back to the high school me standard of why bother?

And its honestly such a farce. I want my best friend happy. I am a people pleaser. I say nice things and mean them but... I say things and they make her sad whenever I bring them up like how I'm prob deff aro ace...

She wants to be special to me. An exception. Shes my best friend but ive told her so many times I dont love her the way she loves me, and that its not ENOUGH and shes just like "no its enough" while asking for more whether she realizes it or not.

I'm bad at relationships in general but Ive always been tired of my friendship not being enough for people. For me wanting to grow that bond is everything but I can't keep friends because I'm me and even my best friend is only my best friend because THIS is what she wanted and I gave it to her and somehow I'm still fucking this up.

[couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name]

I’m still so exhausted from this kids show rehearsal yesterday I gotta type it out to deal omfg

- The guy in charge of sound and lighting used to do shows in this company with me so I’ve known him for like 7 years??? When I got there and said hi he immediately launched into this weird super-commanding tone and started very quickly explaining how to work the lights to me (like so fast I couldn’t keep up), before abruptly breaking off mid-sentence and saying in a quiet, high pitched voice, “Also hi I haven’t seen you in forever...” like Tom bud I know

- I was there in like the back of the theater for maybe 15 minutes before the director, across the entire room and on stage, spotted me and screamed “THERE SHE IS” loud enough that all the little kids jumped in fear. Before I could even contemplate trying to hide she’s yelling “THERE’S MY MOLLY GIRL” so loud she could have awoken the ancient and buried gods of old, and running off the stage towards me. Immediately after hugging me she was clearly trying to asses and judge all of my life choices, as if I wasn’t the only person helping out out of kindness that’s not getting paid. omfg

- One of the kids mom’s kept running around demanding to know where Horton was. I desperately tried to explain to her I didn’t know any Horton’s. She grew angrier with me every time I saw her.

- We eventually figured out she was looking for Steven, who played Horton the Elephant in Seussical, like, 4 years ago

-Also, Steven was wearing a dark red ‘vans’ shirt, red and black flannel pajama pants, and completely bright red shoes that looked like plastic. I supported him.

- Alarming number of 10-12 year old boys trying to flirt with me. Guess I can’t wear V-necks for the rest of the week

- One of the Older Teen Interns(tm) who I vaguely knew when he was like nine pulled a cane out of his ass and kept spinning it around to look cool while flirting with the Older Teen Intern Girls(tm) instead of, like, doing his job

- Fuck there were so many moms there and they kept glaring at me when I was trying to put mics on kids??? Lady listen I’m not feeling up your leprechaun spawn he didn’t know how to hide the mic pack jfc

- Back in my day(tm) I had to run offstage yelling “SOMEONE STRIP ME” while three different older people of varying genders ripped clothes and mic packs off my body. You can handle me telling your kid to take his jacket off while I try to clip something to his pants oh my GOD

- The kid playing Gaston is the best one in the show but he’s a TWIG and it’s hilarious. He’s got a really strong commanding voice for an 11 year old but every time he talks about how hot he is or strikes a muscle man pose Tom and I were fucking dying in the back

- I went and taped up the lists of mic switches and stuff in the dressing rooms and I thought everything was fine until like 40 minutes later when I was like “they’re like fourth graders they probably can’t see that high” omfg and I spent the rest of the day waiting for someone to complain about it so I could Die

- Holy shit one of the ensemble kids was this real sarcastic shit with long hair and he was lowkey trying to hard to be funny and I know it sounds mean but he was def the type of kid you look at and you’re like ‘you’re gonna become a stoner or a shooter there’s no in between’ omfg

- THE MICS WERE A P R O B L E M

- And I know shit always happens the first rehearsal and blah blah blah but this was RIDICULOUS I literally thought Tom was going to burst into flames

- And some point he just yelled “SCREW IT” and raced out of the room and came back a few minutes later and made everyone try the mics again. They were still a bit of a problem but working a lot better so I was like “what did you do?” and he went on this whole explanation about how he bypassed the theaters sound system and I’ll admit I don’t understand much of the technical stuff but his attitude and tone of voice seemed to imply he probably wasn’t allowed to do whatever he did lmao

- Seriously I swear one of those little shit head kids found out about the ‘M-word’ superstition and yelled it back stage. That’s the only explanation I can think of for why everything was fucked up

- Also I’m sorry but the kids...are terrible

- I really don’t wanna be mean like they’re kids I wanna give them the benefit of the doubt but even at one point Tom was like “...were we ever this bad?” and I had to be like “Tom we have video evidence proving we were never this bad? Save for Fame”

- Just...imagine 60 some little kids screeching an off tune version of the opening number for 3 hours. Imagine it. I lived it.

- Gaston, Potts and one other girl (forget who she’s playing) all have decent voices but the girls were SO QUIET SWEETHEARTS YOU GOTTA PROJECT

-IM THE SHIEST PERSON I KNOW BUT I STEP ON A STAGE AND YOU CAN DAMN WELL BE SURE PEOPLE ARE HEARING ME IN THE BACK ROW WHETHER IVE GOT A MIC OR NOT. P R O J E C T

- There were so many times when a song got really out of tune or messed up so I was like “That was a note...” and the poor music major Tom sitting next to me almost having to choke out “No it wasn’t” lol

- The set makes very little sense

- “Where’s their tony nom?”

- Oh gosh during the great Mic Death at some point this REALLY WEIRD SOUND got picked up it sounded like aliens were fucking aobut to blow us up everyone was freaking out because mics shouldn’t make that sound??? Like 10 minutes into this we realized it was the directors husband playing something on his phone o h m y G o d my dude did you not hear us yelling

- SPEAKING OF HIM I couldn’t actually do anything with the lights during rehearsal bc they weren’t locked in place yet??? So he drops off two wrenches at one point and is like “I’ll be back at five when this is done and then we can fix the lights” which is reasonable, right?

- Five o’clock. Five oh five. Five ten. Five twenty. Where’s Jimmy? Jimmy. We can’t do this without Jimmy. Where’s Jimmy? Why can’t you do the lights without him? Because that latter is 20 feet in the air and I’d rather risk your husbands life than my own. Jimmy, pick up your phone. Five thirty. Where’s Jimmy? Has anyone seen Jimmy? Is Jimmy even real any more? Did Jimmy ever exist? Did we all just hallucinate an old man who almost exclusively wears bike shorts? Jimmy, where are you. The lights Jimmy, you promised. This is just what Jimmy does, he just does this. Where’s Jimmy? Who’s Jimmy? Where’s Ji-

- That question is etched into my soul now

- He finally gets there and that was just. A whole production in itself. “DUDE you can’t hit the lights with the latter you’re messing up the light’s you just set. Jimmy. the LIGHTS. AIM IT TO YOUR LEFT. WE CANT MOVE THE LATTER LIKE THAT.” oh my God

- The kids didn’t even get through the first act of the show. Which I normally wouldn’t judge because LORD KNOWS, but like...this is the Junior version. There’s only like 5 or six scenes in each act and they’re all fairly short. omfg

- “Lights, hey, why isn’t Maurice’s sphere lighting up?” “That’s literally not our job? It’s a prop?”

- Oh my God so when the lighting board was explained to me at noon I understood abso-fucking-lutely NONE of it, I was so fucking confused, I was certain I was going to let the production down.

- We get to like 5:50 when we finally start working the lights and with no further explanation or reminder I KNEW. I WAS ONE WITH THE BOARD. I WAS IN CONTROL. I BECAME A GODDESS OF LIGHT.

-I also hadn’t slept or eaten all day so I was a little loopy at that point

- An adorable tiny girl ran back at one point and started gushing over how cool the light and sound jobs were and kept pressing buttons we were gonna CRY she was precious

- 7 years later, I’m still the ONLY person who doesn’t get cell reception in the theater. My phone became possessed before my very eyes and called like 3 people on it’s own accord.

- A mom was really mad everyone else had tickets already and she didn’t. “Ma’am, you didn’t buy any tickets.” “Well, I wanna buy some now.” “This isn’t the box office.” “Everyone else has tickets!” “Yes, because they bought them on ticket day or called the box office.” “So why can’t I get tickets now?” “THIS ISNT THE BOX OFFICE.” And then we found out the show is sold out. Oh boy.

I don’t predict surviving the week.

[embeknorrig]

Sisters

I didnt think i would write anything about this. Its so strange how fast things change. Did it ever cross my mind last night this would hit me this morning?

Fuck no.

Im not sure if everyones life is fast paced changing like mine. But mine is fucking emotionally hectic lately. Last week i thought i ran out of tears to cry. Today i cried as hard as i did for what happened last november. Now i really wonder when this hot mess is gonna end. Am i living in this hellhole forever?

This fucking avalanche/tornado im in has been tearing every part of me that i thought makes me strong and independent. Im such a vulnerable, emotional little bitch who cannot stand having people leave my life.

I really thought it was gonna be awhile before i am hurt again this bad. But i think its bc im so badly damaged rn, everything feels like a hot knife stabbed continuously into a bleeding wound.

I dont understand why this life is so fucking hard. I dont understand the fuck why people just leave like this. Why do they have to go? If they dont plan to stay can they just not come in at first place?

I am furious and hurt at the same time and there’s literally nobodys fault in this situation. I hate being mad and unable to change anything. I hate feeling helpless and useless like this. I feel like the only way to get out of this endless turmoil is to get used to it. Its only when ive learned to accept the fact that my life is gonna keep throwing ass onto my face is when its gonna fucking stop.

It is at these moment that i wish i was never born. This joy of living is fucking ephemeral and scarce. People only bring life into this world for their own good. Its not even for my sake that my parents conceived me. And now they are the reason i cant die. Why the fuck do people trap us like this?

Its just so fucking sad and i dont get it how no one sees what im seeing. Maybe my family does but they are ignoring it. And they know whining about is a sign of pussiness. But then maybe its just me. I cannot force my point of view onto people who dont share the same experience that i do. Ive realized i have been projecting my other future plan onto my sister. Apparently my plan isnt for her and there are certain things i excel that she doesnt. People struggle with the weirdest thing ever. I mean look how i deal w goodbyes and breakups. My sister wouldnt have a problem w these nitty gritty things. So i guess immigration isnt for her anyways.

Why am i so good at leaving people but terrible at being left behind? I didnt even care about my friends and family when i left for the states. And now that i ive lost SO FAR: my boyfriend, my gay best friend and my sister; i just cannot accept it. I feel like this whole time has been a dream and it doesnt mean anything to these people.

I think about mom a lot lately. I think about how hard working she has always been and how she cares for her family. I think about how i dont want to be like her but then i have to if i want to make her happy and to become a better person. I really dont know. Im such a fucking huge diva and now that i am forced to make a few sacrifices, the world is collapsing in front of me.

I really dont wanna grow any older and i dont want to become any more mature. Growing up is painful af. Why do we have to go thru all this pain to know better? Is there a way we can just understand all of this knowledge magically as we consume food everyday? Actually is there a way we can get rid of emotion for good???

[old-nosaviors]

excerpts from nick and demi’s gh conversation october 9 - 10 

..are you sure you’re ok though?

no

Talk to me What’s going on? I mean..besides the obvious stuff

i m just so fucking tired i cant think straight i have all my fucking sleeping pills out i wanna take all of them i dont wanna do this anymore im tiredive been cryin gfor fifteen minutes i just want to be donewith everything youre the only thing keeping me here

Nick please talk to me. What’s been going on? I know there’s more..whatever it is though it doesn’t have to end like that...I can help you..let me help you nick please.

that and i dont wanna go to hell

I can’t loose you

and i cant tell you

You’re not going to go to hell

i am if i kill myself my dad says

then just keep talking to me..just..don’t do anything..

i love you and you know that but it doesnt feel like enough right now cause it feels so bad demetria it feels so bad i havent heard from my family in four days none of them i miss my fucking dog im not making a difference and thats okay i think everyone would be better without me anyway

I know it feels bad, but it’s not forever nick....you have to trust me...You do make a difference

then when does it stop because the thing i cant tell you about? im in way too fucking deep my life is over

It’s never too late Nick..even if you hit rock bottom , you can still get up.It’s not going to happen over night. Your life isn’t over...it’s far from over

i cant, i cant you dont understand

Help me understand..please..I can help you nick If you let me

you can't. no one can i want to go home i want to sleep and i want to go home and i want to start over i want to go back and not fuck things up with olivia i know you didnt like her but god i miss her so bad it hurts i want to say no to something i never should have said yes to in the first place i want to see elvis i want joe to stop hating me i wanna see my parents i'm not a guy with a lot of regrets. you know this. but right now there's a huge list and i'm so tired i'm so tired...

It doesn’t matter really what I thought of her , you loved her and of course it’ll hurt..it’s ok to have regrets though...it’s ok to not be ok...There are things you can and can’t change , the past doesn’t have to control you though..there are so many things I wish I could’ve changed , said no too..or what not...I really wish I could take all this pain away It kills me knowing I can’t do more..I just care about you so much. If I seem pushy , or whatever that’s why..

i know im sorry i just cant i dont want you to hate me too if i lose you i have nothing

I’ll never hate you I couldn’t

might be surprised i just wanna take the pills i need to sleep but i dont wanna wake up im fucking exhausted my mom always used to say things would be better in the morning but what if they aren't?

They might not be , I can’t promise they.It might not be better for awhile

then i dont want to be alive for it

But it does get better

im going i lov eyou, demi

Nick please don’t I love you too Please nick Nick?

demi, wait

Nick please don’t do anything I’m crying I can’t loose you I can’t I just can’t

i dont want to die i just want it all to stop how do i make it stop if it helps im crying too ive been crying this whole time i fucking hate this im so fucking tired i think i'm just tired but ive been telling myself im fine and im not fine im not fine this isnt me ive never pulled this shit before

Can you let me help you? I want to help you..you have to give me any details..just..let me help you get better. You don’t have to do this alone.You didn’t let me go through it alone I can’t let you go through it alone

i have to

But you don’t...

i remembered something good though

What is it?

when i was like sixteen or maybe fifteen and we were doing some tour with disney i got like this just so fucking tired i wasnt checking my levels and i couldnt eat right and i felt sick to my stomach all the time and this one night it came to a head - like now and we were packing up and trying to leave the arena. idk if you were still there or not but i locked myself in the green room and i wouldn't come out and i wouldn't let anybody in kevin was the one that found me and he went and got my parents and i wouldnt let them in and then i guess somebody went and got joseph cause he came. and i opened the door for him cause, you know. he's my person. and i was just like, bawling. i couldn't breathe. and we went back to the bus and i got in bed and no one woke me up and afterwards it was kinda like i reset. it took a day or two more before i was back to normal but i think i just, like. got to my breaking point and i needed sleep more than anything i think that's where i'm at right now i'm so tired i think i feel like this cause im tired that probably sounds so stupid but nothing makes sense right now thats the first moment of real clarity ive had in days

~

I love you, Demi You’re the best Thanks for listening to all of that ugh I’m so sorry Two nights in a row I’ve probably given you a heart attack. And made you cry. I’m sorry.

I love you too Nick I care about you so much you’re my world. You don’t need to be sorry Can I ask you something? It’s related but kinda unrelated I was just going to ask if like if I made you feel the way like I am now whenever I was going through my stuff before rehab

What do you mean? Like panic and crying and stuff?

I mean just like how I feel worried , was that how you felt? Because I know I probably shut you out a million times & probably gave you a million heart attacks I still don’t remember much from then I wish I did

I remember going back to a hotel room one night with Joseph and I was crying and crying because I was scared out of my mind. He didn’t say anything, but he sat next to me and just listened to me cry and he knew exactly why I was upset You seemed good for weeks sometimes And then I’d see cuts on you all of a sudden or I’d see you staring at yourself in the mirror weird or those days you wouldn’t get out of bed and when you finally did you were yelling at everyone And I was trying so hard to understand why you were upset with me I thought back, every moment, trying to figure it out And then later finding out it was true that it wasn’t my fault after my parents had been telling me over and over... that was the biggest relief Because I didn’t understand. I could never wrap my head around it But through all of it the thing that upset me most was knowing that you were going through hell and I was completely powerless Even Joseph couldn’t make you laugh You wouldn’t eat. You wouldn’t sleep I...I don’t know It was intense. And we never knew in the morning which Demetria was gonna be onstage that night We loved you through it all but we were scared I think for me that I was so scared that I loved you harder, you know? I thought if I was nice enough or brave enough or funny enough you could get better And then I started to see that it wasn’t working So then it became WHEN is she going to pass out cause she’s not eating? WHEN is she going to get caught snorting coke? WHEN is she going to cut too deep? It wasn’t whether you were or not anymore, it was when. That’s why I was crying in the hotel. Cause I knew you were going to kill yourself. I just didn’t know when. I had this dream once that you were dead You slashed your wrists in a hotel room and I found you and I woke up crying So yes. Yes, living through that was the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced. But it just made me love you more

I honestly was so sick back then..it���s like I wasn’t even in control , it’s so..weird how it’s such a blur to me. I know I was pretty terrible at most points. I don’t think want to remember any of that..I do remember though you always being there for me even when I probably didn’t deserve it at some points. That part of my life almost feels like a dream ironically..i..mean even though I have had relapses..I don’t think I’ve ever gotten that bad again. I wouldn’t want too.It feels like a dream to me too.

If you were even starting to get like that, I would step in. Please know that. I’ll never forget those warning signs.

I remember being so emotional the first time we reunited in 2012 when I walked invited you to my set because it was the first time we saw each other before I left the tour to go to rehab. Seeing you in person again and just..knowing I’d have you in my life again pushed me to keep fighting I do appreciate that

Oh I’ll never, ever forget that

[unicornninjabitch]

Me to my therapist: No I’ve been doing really well :)

Me to strangers on the internet who dont give a fuck: Yo guess who’s having a depressive episode?! It’s me bitches

Here’s a secret, I’m a shitty person. I’ve hurt people that no amount of apologies could help. I wish I could’ve ended somethings on better terms than I did and I wish I could erase myself from some people’s lives cause all I did was fuck them over. I know this and I like to think if given the opportunity I could give them the apology they deserve cause, believe it or not, I’m a fucking disaster. I don’t want to sound like an Edgelord™, but I really am a fucking mess. I could blame the childhood I had or my own issues and you know those might be part of it, but I also know I’m basically always smashing my self-destruct button. I know I run from good things cause for so long my life motto was “Leave before you’re left” cause everyone left. My dad, uncles, aunts, cousins, best friends, my mom, exes, everyone left me behind at some point. For years I refused to call anyone my best friend because they all disappeared. Hell one of them left cause I didn’t have feelings for him and I blamed my fucking self. I told myself for months “If you just pretended you could’ve liked him” like that would be fair to either of us. For fucks sake even my middle school relationships I ended when they were good because I was terrified I’d get hurt. The only relationship I didn’t fucking run from was the one where I got cheated on like 3 times cause I was a dumbass freshman who thought some boy really changed for me. For gods sake I still get put on edge when people say nice things about me cause for so long nice things always came with a but or some kinda favor that needed to get done. I don't even ask my family to help me with a bunch of things cause that meant I owed them and owing people was a place I didn’t ever want to be (especially financially)

I think what it comes down to might be I’m scared to let myself be happy cause being happy was always followed by something terrible following it like if I stay alone and depressed then I can’t ever be let down. I know that’s a terrible way to approach life and it’s not healthy and I wish I could say I’m working on it, but I don’t know how to take that out of me. I think I’ve always been that way though, well at least a good portion of my life. I thought being abandoned was normal, but then I had friends and they would talk about their families. Their families were fucking great, they had their parents and the biggest complaint was their curfew or how they always had to sit down together to eat and a HUGE part of me kinda hated them. They had no idea what I would have gave for that, for a happy family, a normal family that were there for each other and consistent, for parents who didn’t start screaming the second they made eye contact. Here they were with the nerve to complain and I know I didn’t know everything about their home lives but it didn’t stop me from being angry or sad or deflecting every question about my family. And this shit all went down before my depression really started up can you believe that?! Like at least 2 years before and it just got fucking worse. I got sadder and angrier as the years went on cause my parents fought more (and i swore a divorce wouldve helped this but nope) and they still complained about curfews and sleepovers and dinners and what was baby Alex up to? Baby Alex was trying to keep a broken house from completely shattering and working and playing the messenger and being the middle man and parenting and being too grown up for a fucking 12 year old, so I stayed away from everyone and I delt with everything by taking it on myself. It wasn’t good, I’d hit myself and skip meals thinking if I got skinny I’d be pretty and refusing to sleep and cutting up my wrist and I probably did other dumb shit too.

Man and 8th grade was just the start of my eating issues, actually maybe it was 4th, but whatever. Okay so the 4th grade parts more one kid called me fat so I swore off breakfast and to this day I can’t eat till I’ve been awake for at least 2 hours. Then 8th grade there were days I’d only eat chips for lunch, but 9th grade was by far the worst. Okay 9th grade picture this you’ve been called fat since basically 4th grade and a lot of your 8th grade year your dad keeps saying “Oh you should eat better. You need to be more active” shit like that and you keep going on “family diets” plus the everyday self hate of being a teenager and society's beauty standards you cant meet. One day in the beginning of 9th grade I was really hating my body so I decided I’d go on a diet, so of course I downloaded an app and stared at pictures of skinny people with hip bones poking out and thigh gaps. However this app wasn’t worried about exercise or healthy food, but instead just calorie intake (see the problem already?) I thought if I keep the calorie intake below what the app says I lose more weight and faster. My daily eating schedule was a 90 calorie gatorade, half of a pb&j, half a carton of chocolate milk, and the smallest portion of dinner I could get (sometime with lunch I’d eat exctly 6 fries), but I mostly drank diet green tea and ice water. Each week I gave myself one “cheat day” where I ate whatever the fuck I wanted, but even then I tried to limit myself. I got called anorexic a lot at lunch because of how carefully I cut my food and pushed the remainder away from me. It was mostly kids joking and I mostly laughed it off or flipped them off cause I didn’t care they were joking. Until one day a friend offered me half his gatorade, so I took it drank some and put into the app how much I drank to which he said “Holy shit you really count your calories?” so I shrugged him off just like so what it’s not like I’m doing anything dangerous. Now mind you somedays my calorie intake was down to like 500 and the average for me at that time was like 1000 maybe (i dont remember its been a long time but it wasnt healthy). What stopped this you ask? Well I was talking to my mom one day and I was proud cause I lost like 15 pounds and a friends mom noticed (she asked if I was sick) and I noticed and I was just really proud, but my mom just said I was like obsessed, which looking back I was but at that time I was so pissed cause I didnt think I was. Then I stopped for a little, but it started up once I noticed I was gaining weight back. Then my mom had a miscarriage and got really depressed so she stayed with her boyfriend at the time who lived like 6 hours away. Food became like a huge thing, I ate a lot of junk food everyday cause I felt guilty. At that time me and my mom were butting heads a lot for whatever reasons and I was in the room with her when she learned the baby’s heartbeat stopped. I of course told her I was okay and didnt cry cause I wanted to be strong for her since she wa a mess, but I was like totally numb inside and totally blamed myself. (Now I logically know it wasnt my fault but I still feel like it was somehow if that makes sense?) Now my moms gone for the first time in my life, I’m with my dad who at this point I still can’t stand, my brothers are fighting a lot, I’m still distancing myself from friends, I’m dating a total douchebag, and it was just a lot for me, so I just constantly comfort ate cause I didn’t know how to talk about these issues to anyone.

Now back track to me saying I’m s hitty person, I was dating this guy and I loved him, I really dd, but I was scared. My last relationship was awful and bad and no one deserves that kind of relationship, but nonetheless I start dating this guy and it wasn’t healthy, I dont think. We were on and off for a while,I picked fights cause I was always told fightings normal in relationships, but we didn’t ever fight and I thought relationship fights were screaming and crying and slamming doors and shit like that cause that’s all I knew. Eventually we were together straight for about 6 months (I think all together it was about 9 months) and they were good for the most part, we may have moved too fast and planned forever too soon, but we were happy and didn’t care cause we loved each other. Then we broke up for good and I regretted it for a long time and we still talked convinced we could be friends after swearing we’d get married and other shit, but it didn’t work that way, so after about a year of us talking to each other scared to let go and move on and shit we finally said what we’re doing isnt good and we have to go separate ways. I was still miserable for awhile cause a part of me still loved him and maybe a part of me always will, but we unfollowed each other on everything and I think for myself I blocked him to make sure I didn’t do anything dumb.

After I like healed or whatever I dated this girl, she was fucking awesome, cute as hell, funny, just great and we were together not long but I had strong feelngs for her, but the Gender Crisis™ came and I didn’t know how to tell her what was going on so I told her I had some shit to figure out and we broke up and I immediately blocked her everywhere cause I didn’t want to hurt her like I did with that guy,and maybe it was dumb to do it that way, but I didn’t know how else to do it.

The moral of this is I’m awful, I do this shit at least once every summer, and idk how to talk about my issues in any other way than to word vomit to strangers on the internet.