#except that i don't have to take the birth control anymore or deal with a period at all :D

[vulpinesaint]

BEEN TWO DAYS NOW BOYS I THINK WE'RE IN THE CLEAR! NO MORE CURSE OF THE BLIGHTED I AM FREE... IMAGINE A WORLD WHERE TESTOSTERONE TAKES ALL THE PAIN AWAY...

[mermazeablaze]

So I went to my gyno visit today at the Indian Clinic. I have been having issues hemorrhaging during my periods, off & on since 2013 (23yrs old, now 33). I already have children & my tubes are tied. I want a hysterectomy. My gyno is refusing.

Some Backstory:

A male gyno specialist (2013) refused hysterectomy & kept saying, "Tubals can be reversed. You might want more children. Hysterectomies are permanent."

I have three children & due to a hereditary disorder anesthesia increases my chances of seizures. I almost DIED during my last child's birth, C-section including tubal **AND** sedated.

When I told him I was firm on not having anymore biological children because of that. He kept pushing for 'uterine/endometrial ablation'. Which is where they burn off your uterine lining to pause your periods or can do it enough where you don't have another period. I told him no & sought a second opinion.

My second opinion was a female gyno who tested my hormone levels, ultrasounds, MRI &EKGs even to rule out pregnancy &/or hormone imbalance. Everything came back fine. Yet I was still hemorrhaging.

Female gyno insinuated I was either exaggerating or lying about the bleeding. So I saved a day's worth of saturated feminine products & brought them to her. She was grossed out, but realized I was telling the truth.

Female gyno placed me on Seasonique. A birth control pill which gives you four periods a year, to see if it would help regulate the bleeding. It did for almost a year, by then 2014. But it started giving me intense depression & irrational thoughts.

Female gyno told me to stop taking it & wait a month before trying something else.

During that time my right arm not my left would tingle off & on. I would get woozy & nauseous. Cold sweats & feel clammy. One night all of those symptoms descended upon me except with the addition of my heart racing. Not hurting just racing. & my body was screaming something wasn't right. It's one of the few times I can consciously say I knew I could be dying. It was scary.

I went to the ER & after testing I was having a cardiac event from a blood clot forcing itself through my heart. My white blood cell count was almost FOUR TIMES the amount a person usually has during a heart attack.

I was in the hospital for a little over a week, angiogram & making sure another blood clot didn't develop. They believe the Seasonique was the cause.

Since then I've just been suffering with the sporadic hemorrhaging since then. Which is now including debilitating & excruciating pain.

Which is why I went to the gyno today, different from the previous two. Only to be told that she wasn't going to give me an updated hormone screening, ultrasound, MRI, etc. She offered me ablation or birth control.

I told her I don't see the point in ablation. It has so many horrendous possible side effects, including hemorrhaging! Plus, she would want to do the type of ablation where it rids you of a period. But a hysterectomy does the same fucking thing.

& I'm not taking birth control. Not gonna to risk either exacerbating my depression or another heart attack.

She was trying to say: But you'll need hormones after a hysterectomy!

Me: & birth control isn't hormones?!

& that I want a second opinion on the hysterectomy. I am 33, my mind has been made up since I was 23, I have kids, I have a tubal & I'm basically praying for menopause the past five years. So I don't have to keep dealing with this bullshit.

She put in a referral for the second opinion & didn't bother to talk to me about pain management. She was too busy feeling butthurt that I know what I want & need & she couldn't give me a good enough reason why aside from, "Because!"

Sidenote: When I get my hysterectomy & I will. I want a shirt made that says:

"Ask me why I'm no longer hysterical, I'm just hilarious now."

[symptoms-syndrome]

UGH and now there's fucking DRAMA with birth parents!!!

My birth dad is taking my birth mom to court AGAIN. It's like his favorite activity. He just takes her to court on baseless bullshit because he has a lot of money and she doesn't.

Apparently this time it's about my little sister's college stuff. He's saying he needs total control over her college decision and that birth mom has to pay for it. What the fuck ever.

My like. Perspective on both of them has definitely changed as I've gotten older. I feel...pity, for my birth mom. She's a very, very mentally ill woman who had one kid by accident and one in an attempt to save her failing marriage. She wasn't ready to have kids and wasn't able to take care of them. She's been dealing with my birth dad, which got worse after he divorced her, and is too proud to accept help financially, medically, socially.

My birth dad...is a bad person. I hesitate to call people "bad people" but I'm obviously biased here. He's manipulative, self centered, and needs to feel important and powerful and admired above everything else. Everything he does is solely for his own gain. He doesn't care about anyone else except as stepping stones to greater and greater things. He's told me so himself, he told me to think of people like that. To him, it's a dog eat dog world and he needs to be seven steps ahead. I see some of the worst parts of myself in him. He takes advantage of my birth mom despite her being less powerful, less wealthy, and less capable than him. Maybe because of it. He needs total and ultimate control over his children because his children are part of his image. That's another thing that's straight from the horse's mouth. Every time there was some minor infraction, that was the scolding. "The way you behave and present yourself reflects on me. You need to act proper or people will think I'm a bad father."

That's the only reason he keeps trying to be nice to me, I think. It looks bad on him to have an estranged kid. He keeps trying to get me back. But I wonder why he hasn't given up on me. Just erased me from his perfect existence. One time he told me a father's job is to "keep his daughter off the pole." Now I'm like. Doing drag that involves stripping. So. I'm not sure how much he knows about that though.

Individual parts (big or little p, not sure, probably both) have varied feelings. Some are scared of him. A lot of them are, I think. Some are neutral. There's also the opinion that I should keep some sort of loose connection. Which is where I am now. There's the very strong but not very popular opinion I need to cut him off entirely. But that's counteracted by the fear. Lots of fear. But there are still parts that desperately, desperately need his love, approval, affection.

IDK. I have a lot of "daddy issues" TBH. Freud would love me.

There's also the issue of. My little sister. She's still... IDK. I can't blame her for anything. She's in a really traumatic and scary situation. I cut my birth dad off (though I don't remember it) around 15. She hasn't done that yet and she's 18. She's scared to. Part of me feels angry at her. She doesn't have the courage to do what I did. But I can understand. She's scared to be on her own without support. She wants him to help pay for her college. All this sort of stuff. But I'm like... you're an adult now, legally. You don't need to do anything he asks of you. You don't even need to live with him anymore if you don't want to. But she's just... IDK. Compliant. I was too. It's like he makes you into a robot that needs to follow orders. He frames it in a way that makes it feel like if you don't do what he tells you to you'll doom yourself to a shit existence. Which I guess. IDK I fell into the doomed shit existence. Things probably would have been easier, in every way except mentally, if I had been compliant. But I didn't make that choice. I couldn't be compliant so I was thrown away. And now he thinks he can fix me, I think. He regrets throwing me away.

I can't blame her for her decisions, or lack thereof. But it does make me angry. I want her to have the courage to stand up for herself. She's so trained by him she can't even tell me what she wants or doesn't want to do. She can't make any sort of decision without three hours of reassuring her that it's her choice and I won't be upset with whatever she chooses. And sometimes that doesn't even work. I can understand it but that doesn't make it less frustrating. Less infuriating. I don't understand even though I do. Just do it!!! Just have the courage and make even the smallest choice to distance yourself!!! What is she going to do when she's living by herself, or in college? If I were to be mean, I'd say it's pathetic. She's pathetic. I can only hope that she toughens up.

[warcrimesimulator]

Oliver, 8/7/21 - 12/25/21

When my cat Noodle gave birth to three kittens on that early morning of August 7, I had no intention to keep them- raise them until they're old enough to surrender to the humane society, I told myself. I never intended for them to even exist in the first place, after all. I begged my parents to get Noodle fixed, which would, of course, mean aborting the kittens inside her.

But alas, Noodle gave birth to three seemingly healthy kittens that I never wanted. Except for one. The moment I saw that dark orange tabby with the swirled stripes, I knew I had to keep him. Oliver, a reference to a little orange cat of the same name from an animated Disney film I loved as a child.

I never really expected any of these kittens to die, but in early October, I lost the little gray girl. At that point I decided I'd keep the remaining two.

Oliver was a chaotic little creature. Very food aggressive- always growling. Bit me a few times while trying to steal food straight out of my hands. Tore up my brand new computer chair I had gotten from Ikea (although his brother also helped in that.) The vacuum cleaner was his greatest enemy. He was always standing on my laptop keyboard or falling asleep on top of the mousepad.

Despite being a chaotic little creature, though, he bonded strongly to me. The little guy loved people. If I was at my desk, he'd always be on my lap, or on top of the desk behind my laptop. If I was using my laptop on the bed, he was beside me (unless I had that one really soft blanket he hated and avoided like the plague, for whatever reasons.) At night he'd curl up under the covers and sleep nestled in at my side.

For four long, long months Oliver was the light of my life, and I was expecting him to live many years with me. I was preparing to get him neutered and to get his rabies vaccination. I even bought a harness for him so I could take him outside when he was fully grown. It was all in perfect timing, it felt- last year my beloved cat Millie ran away after someone left the front door open, and Oliver's presence was like the final step of healing from that loss. But on December 9, illness struck suddenly. It didn't seem like a big deal at first- sometimes cats get nauseous and lethargic, just like people do. But he never got better. I couldn't afford the diagnostics from an emergency vet, and I could only hope that the de-wormer, antibiotic, and anti-nausea meds I was given would save him. And for a few days, it seemed hopeful. But then he got worse again and it was a downward spiral from there. By the very end he wasn't even able to jump up on my bed anymore, and was anemic from a flea infestation I was trying to control to no success. And he died on this cold Christmas morning.

I'll never know what happened. I don't know if it was an intestinal obstruction or some sort of congenital illness. I don't know if this death was inevitable or if, had my family given me the money, he could have been saved- perhaps, even, if it could have been an easy fix. Thinking about the very real potential that this all could have been prevented fills me with despair and even rage, and I'll have to forever live with knowing that Maybe all of this was unnecessary and if something was done from the start, he could be sleeping beside me right now, as he always did, healthy and happy.

I'll never even know what specifically killed him. Did he starve to death? Did the anemia kill him? Did his body just go into toxic shock from long-term constipation? The last few hours of his life were spent in what was basically a vegetative state- his eyes were open, but he was not responsive and didn't seem to be conscious at all.

The unanswered questions and what-ifs that I'll have for the rest of my life hurt as much as the loss itself.

This is the last picture I took of him before he got sick, chilling with mama Noodle on my bed:

Oliver was a good boy. A great boy. He was my greatest non-human friend, and also my biggest regret. He should have never existed.

I hope he knows he was loved, even in those two weeks of suffering leading to the end.

[ihopethisendswell]

The part where you get basic info on my Pokémon oc's so you don't get confused when I post about them.

This is gonna be a long post. I have like 8 total. 16 if your counting the secondary protags (my version of May and Lucas for example,which I won't be going over in detail cause I'm not insane). Might want to check my timeline 9 it's pinned or just check bulbapedia if your confused about the ages. If you have any questions feel free to ask. I hope you enjoy :)

Name :Jin Amachi

Gender: " I am nonbinary. I they/ them pronouns, but I'm alright with he/ him as well.

Age:

12( when started journey in Hoenn( Emerald)

22 by SM/USUSM

26 by SWSH

Basic info: With all things said and done, Jin is grateful for their journey. They learned a lot, even if they had to stop two extreme environmentalist along the way. They know the two meant well, but it's just too bizarre for it to happen. Though the two seem to be in a better place now. They're happy for them. They're father and them talk more now. It's still awkward, but better. They know he's trying his best, and they will do the same. It's much better than back then. But no need to worry about the past.

If anything, they're more worried about the others.

Kenji Elm

Gender: " I'm getting sudden dejavu. But I'm a boy! The best boy! Don't call me a girl, I will cry. And because I'm not one! So don't. Anyway have you heard of-" * starts to ramble*

Age:

10 when journey started in Johto( HGSS)

17 by SM

21 by SWSH

Basic Info: Kenji Elm is not the biological son of Professor Elm. He was adopted at a young age, and he doesn't know who is birth parents. Not that he cares. He's more than happy with the family he got( though he wonders when they'll throw him away like his parents did). Energetic and always willing for an adventure, Kenji is generally on the move!( He's so sorry if he's being annoying please don't leave please)

He has a vast amount of interests, but his two favorites are painting and battling. Battling is obvious, he's the champion of the Indigo League, but he always had an artistic eye. But his favorite pastime is hanging out with his friends! When he gets the time of course. He's sometimes wonder how he was able to hold the title of champion for so long though haha ( his win was a fluke he knows it he knows it) .But yeah! That's Kenji! Always there with a smile! Our little golden boy! 😁

Name: Danica Yamamoto

Gender: "I'm a girl. She/her pronouns. They/ them is cool too. Don't mind Kenji, he talks a lot." *Offended Kenji noises in the background*

Age:

11 when journey started in Sinnoh( Platinum)

18 by SM)

22 by SWSH

Basic Info: Giratina and Arcues are quite alike, the more she thinks about it. Though, the rest if Sinnoh, quite possibly the whole world would disagree with her. Giratina is " the lord of darkness". It's followers have a history of not being....the best. Giratina resides alone in the Distortion World, paying for it's past sins. Clearly, Giratina and Arcues are nothing alike.

Hm? Oh. Right. Pardon.

Danica grew up in Twinleaf town, with her best friend Barry. Those two are almost polar opposites. Barry is always moving, going fast, and doesn't wait for no one( except Danica and Emmet). Danica can go fast, possibly faster than Barry, but likes to take things slow. Both can be quite chaotic.Barry has a bit of a temper, Danica's chill. Both are cases where you should run when they are angry. Like. Very angry. The two bounces of each other well,and hang out regularly with Emmet, even with their busy professions ( Danica as champion, Barry as Frontier Brain and Emmet as a professor). Danica loves baking, and would often be making poffins and other baked treats for her, her pokemon and others ! She's also a bit of a nerd, so you'll also find her in a library or two. Her pokemon are her babies, and she hopes to have plenty of battles with them in the future!

.....

But really. They are quite alike. Both are beings of great power. Both have a following, even if one is less seen. Both are feared. They are feared greatly. Do they fear each other? Did Arcues banish Giratina in fear of the world or in fear of losing control? Did Giratina learn it's lesson after eons of being in the Distortion World? She could never tell. It doesn't really open up much, only going back to said Distortion World on its own Accord( it felt wrong to be it's "owner"). Though it do comes back, surprisingly. Maybe because she asked it to. To make sure Cyrus doesn't die in there. He still won't come out. She doesn't understand why. It's been years. Has he learned his lesson? Giratina seems to be fond of him. Affectionate. Cyrus never objects to this. So he must right? Right?

Ah, getting off topic. They're quite alike, being feared by the masses. Even if Arcues is mostly beloved. It's a god. It has such power. They're both feared. They themselves must fear as well . It must get lonely....... She thinks she gets Cyrus now.

Name: Alexis " Alex" Jones

Gender: " Um, hi? I'm just a dude. Use he/ him pronouns.....yeah"

Age:

14 when journey started in Unova( BW)

18 by SM

22 by SWSH

Basic info: It's so funny, the more he thinks about. He was so excited, despite his worries. He was going on a journey. A gym challenge. Pathway to champion. He was going to do that! With his sister and his friends! On his birthday! It was perfect! It should have been perfect! But everything just went wrong.

The bodies, the blood, the pressure to " be a hero"( intentional or not), it was all too much. Too much. Then- then he was a coward. He fled it all. Even after saving the day. It was stupid. So stupid. And the people in his life had a right to be angry. Why wouldn't they? He deserved it, really. But now things are better(?). He has a daycare to co-run, he's gradually learning his way as a pokemon medic, and he still has his pokemon( the ones that were lucky enough to survive). He's so grateful for them. He doesn't battle, though. No, he's never doing that ever again. He's caused enough harm( he hates how he stares at trainers battling). He's no good anyway( he hates how bored his team looks half the time) . He doesn't understand why people insist that he is( he hates that he has this itch, this desire). He doesn't understand why they look so disappointed when he says he doesn't battle anymore( he hates that he misses the rush, the strategy, the freedom of it all). He's fine with what he got. He's no hero.

.....Why is his aunt calling him?

Name: Evangeline " Eva" Ortiz

Gender: " Hiya! I'm a lovely lady! I use she/her pronouns, please and thank you!"

Age:

14 when journey started ( B2W2)

16 by SM

20 by SwSh

Basic Info: Eva! Eva my Beloved. Eva's fun, y'know? Always moving, helping, laughing, smiling. Life of the party! She rivals Kenji with that winning smile. Not to mention that she's a great battler! It's almost like she was born for this. Maybe she is! Who knows. But what she do know is that she's Unova's Champ and she gotta defend her title! And protect her region! Though she probably would have done that without the title anyway haha! Hmm what else? Oh! She loves technology! For some reason that surprises a lot of people that don't really know her, but she does! She's a bit of a tinkerer if she do say so herself. She likes it when people compliment on her skills it makes her more confident in them. Even Col-

No.

....

Ahem.

Anyway she's pretty talented. But that comes from a lot of hard work! And luck. But lots of hard work.( And also luck). Aaaah, that should that's it? Well, she does tend to be distant, b-but she's busy, yeah? Don't worry about it. Oh! One more thing. It's not really a big deal, just a random fact.

She hates the cold.

Name Jude Bellrose

Gender: "...... Why do you care ?" ( E: Jude don't be rude! Al: No no, she has a point.) *Ooc: Jude is genderfluid. Right now, in this post, she's using she/ her pronouns, but she also uses he/him and they/them*

Age:

18 when journey started in Kalos( XY)

20 by SM

24 by SwSh

Basic info: Death has a way of teaching you things. Jude learned a lot from it. She learns to not take it for granted, both death itself and the one that is dead.She learns to be humble. She learns to be kind.

Jude was, and still is, prickly. She's not rude my any means, unless she is, but she's just hard to become friends with. She used to have this philosophy of trainer and pokemon; they should be no emotional bonds. They're not here for that. They're here to win. And she did. Until she didn't. Her first pokemon died. It devastated her. Her pokemon, surprisingly, comforted her. And then another one died, and her pokemon comforted her again. Star, her Staraptor, was strong. So strong, and yet it died, and she cried and get pokemon cried with her. She never felt so loved. Not saying that her mother doesn't love her, the opposite really, it's just things have been....complicated. Couple that with strangers turn( begrudgingly) friends, and Jude's heart turned all warm inside. Not that she'll ever admit that outloud.

Jude is a kind person, despite her prickly nature. She loves the world around her, loves her friends, loves her pokemon. She respects death, despite the pain she causes her. The world itself of beautiful as it is, which it's such a shame that a capitalist fool a certain someone couldn't see that way( poor Sycamore).

Jude is a good trainer, despite her loss. She knows this. She'll prove it too the moon and back. If only a certain someone thought the same for himself.

Aster Mahina

Gender: "...." "Mizzz Aster is a girl! She uses she/her pronouns! Zzt."

Age:

11 in SM, where her journey started

15 by SwSh

Basic Bio: Aster doesn't hate Kanto. She doesn't. She was born there and lived there for 11 years. She just doesn't want to back. But she has to, cause she's " the first champion of Alola and as champion" yada yada yada. Like. She gets it. Being Alola's first and currently only champion, you gotta make an impression. She gets that. She still doesn't want to go. Even when she's been there, like, 4 times now. There are some good things in Kanto though. Lillie is there. And seeing Lillie physically is always a plus. She also gets to see Uncle Red, Uncle Green, and Aunt Blue. Kenji, while not living in Kanto, is champion of the Indigo League, and it's always fun with Kenji( she loves his art). But. Like. She still doesn't want to go.

But she also likes being Champion. That means she's strong. And since she's strong she can protect her mom. But she can't protect her mom when she's all the way in Kanto! What if he comes back? What if goes to Alola when she's away? She knows that her mom is strong, she knows that but still!

No. No it's okay. Her mom is strong. Lillie is strong. Gladion is strong . Hau is strong. Guzma is strong. They're all strong. She's strong.

She is strong.

Name: Naomi Einar

Gender: "I-I'm a girl! She/her pronouns please!"

Age:

15 in SWSH, which is the start of her gym challenge in Galar!

Basic Info: Hop is pretty convincing, she realizes. Or maybe she's very weak willed. " Let's do the gym challenge together!" He said. He had that look in his eye. She couldn't say no. Or she could, but that would make him upset, and that's the last thing she wants.

If she's being honest with herself, she's scared. She doesn't like big crowds, the attention. They'll be so many eyes on her. So many. A-and then there's Lee and her cousin, Alexis. Hop has made her sit down and watch almost every single match Leon has had. He's an amazing trainer. A-and her mum would tell her stories about Alexis. He was a hero! He stopped an evil team and everything! She can't live up to that! She never even battled before, why would Hop-

No. It's okay. It's okay. She- she'll just quite after failing the first gym. She can handle the embarrassment. And then she'll cheer Hop on when he wins against his brother. Yep. She'll do just that. Okay. Okay.

.....

Everyday, Slumbering Weald seem to intrigue her more and more. It's almost like it's calling her. Da?

No. It- it'sprobably nothing.

[euphoria-vmin7]

tiger flower | jjk

pairing: jeon jungkook x reader 

genre/warnings: angst, hanahaki! au, non-idol! au, heartbreak, unrequited love, swearing, a n g s t

word count: 1,830

summary: tiger flower. it’s his birth flower. it’s the flower that you can’t have. 

rating: pg-15 (swearing) 

-- a/n: so this is my first submission for the BGW BINGO BASH! i was listening to crystal snow and then i got really inspired and so this was born at 2 am :) it’s for the “hanahaki!au” square. i hope you all like this! 

.

ஓ๑♡๑ஓ 

.

“Dammit (Name)!” Jungkook groaned, throwing his hands up in the air with utter disbelief. “Why the fuck did you kill me?!” 

You winced and shot him a glare. “I’ve never played this before!” 

“Well I wouldn’t have let you play if I’d known you’d suck this bad,” Jungkook tossed his controller to the side as you struggled to keep fighting on your own. Sadly, your character died pretty quickly without the help of the expert gamer next to you. You turned fully to grin at his angry scowl and punched his shoulder, which of course didn’t faze him at all. Stupid muscles. 

“Oh quit being such a baby, Kook,”  you teased, leaning back to lounge against his worn out couch. “It’s just a game,” 

“A game you suck at,” he muttered, standing up and heading into his kitchen. You chuckled at his salty tone. You had probably just broken his spotless winning streak or lost him his spot on the leaderboard or something trivial like that. Well, it was trivial to you, but obviously not to him. Jungkook lumbered back into the living room, shooting you a pointed glare before plopping down next to you. He tossed you a bag of chips and grabbed the remote to fiddle with the channels on his television. You raised your legs and draped them over Jungkook’s lap, an excessive show of making yourself comfortable that earned you another glare. 

“I don’t need your sweaty feet in my face while I’m eating my precious chips, (Name),” he snapped irritably. 

“Well there are a lot of things you don't need but you get them anyway,” 

“Fuck you,”  

Despite all his complaining, Jungkook didn’t make any move to get your feet off his lap, an action that made you grin when you realized it. You watched with a sweet concealed smile as he lazily shoved chips into his mouth, not minding how much he was spilling on his old grey hoodie. You chuckled quietly. What a slob. 

Technically speaking, it had only been about three weeks since you had last seen Jungkook. You both had headed to your hometowns for break to spend the winter holidays with your families, which was basically the only time you were apart. It had only been three weeks, and yet somehow it felt like lifetimes. Maybe it was because he was so deeply ingrained into your daily life. Maybe it was the play fights that normally ended with you holding an ice pack to your shoulder. Or maybe it was the spontaneous knocks on his apartment door at two in the morning with nothing but the pajamas on your back. Or maybe it was the hushed whispers of childish secrets under fortresses made of blankets and pillows. 

Or maybe, it was just him. 

Maybe it was because you just missed seeing that annoying yet frustratingly pretty face that told you he was up to no good. Maybe it was the disarmingly handsome and boyish smile that fueled the competitive rage within you. Maybe it was how despite all his tricky smirks and winks, he still looked like he was hand carved by angels when he slept, like they had put utmost care in crafting the most perfect human in the universe. 

Maybe. 

You should’ve known better than to let these thoughts fill your head once again. You could daydream about how much you hated and loved Jeon Jungkook for hours. If only he’d actually let you do it in peace. 

His fingers twisted mercilessly into the skin of your thigh and you yelped at the sting. It was partly your fault seeing as you had made it easy for him by putting your feet right in front of him. But still how dare he?

“Are you even listening to me?” he asked, letting his fingers rest after the sharp pinch. It was your turn to glare at him and you reeled your foot back to kick his knee, not too hard but not gently either. 

“No. I don’t listen to stupid things,” 

You knew what he was thinking: That’s such an eight year old thing to say.

Well joke’s on him. If you were eight years old then so was he. 

“I was asking you...” he rolled his eyes, leaning back to stare at the TV again. “...how your break was?” 

“It was good,” you smiled a bit. “Spent time with my family. Had my dad’s food after dealing with your horrible cooking for so long,” 

Instead of the same glare you had been on the receiving end of for the better portion of the night, Jungkook rewarded your statement with a good-natured chuckle. At least he knew his cooking was subpar. You grinned. 

“How about you?” 

“Ah y’know? Same thing as you. Spent time with the family blah blah. We went on a road trip,” 

“Nice,” you sighed, still smiling as you leaned back into the couch and closed your eyes. “You came back a week earlier than I did though,” 

“Yeah that’s because you and your family took that fancy trip to Europe,” he mocked and you smirked. 

“You could at least try to pretend you aren’t jealous,” 

Jungkook scoffed out a chuckle and began surfing his channels again, letting a comfortable silence overtake the both of you. Well, of course it was comfortable. Awkwardness was not a thing when it came to you and your best friend. Keeping your eyes closed for too long almost always led you to falling asleep, and you would have gotten there this time too, if it wasn’t for the sudden yell from the boy next to you. 

“Oh fuck, wait! I forgot to tell you!” he screeched, his eyes going wide. You jumped, eyes peeling open before scowling at him and punching his bicep. 

“What the fuck, Jeon? What is it!?” 

“So while you were gone...I did it,” he grinned, sitting up straight. Immediately, you knew what it meant. As much as you wanted to pretend like you didn’t get it, you knew. The way his cheeks began to slowly bloom with color was another huge giveaway. That only happened for one thing. 

“Shut up,” your jaw dropped, lips twitching upward. “You didn’t!” 

“I did,” he said proudly. His smile was so genuine, so real, and it made you so indescribably happy. And yet it didn’t. 

“And?” you pressed, moving to sit on your knees and grabbing his arm. 

“And…” he drew out with a concealed smile. “And she said yes!” 

You cheered loudly and he laughed, his arms naturally coming to wrap around you and give you a squeeze. You giggled at the feeling, the feeling of comfort that came from being next to him, with him. 

“Aw I’m so happy for you, Kookie,” you mumbled, smiling so hard your cheeks hurt. His laugh shook his whole body as you buried your face into his sweatshirt. 

“Thanks Peanut,” he chuckled. “I was so fucking nervous you should’ve seen me,” 

The thought of your normally confident and suave best friend being all flustered brought a smile to your face. Oh, how you wished you could’ve been the one to see it. 

“Yeah that’s because you’re scared of girls,” you teased. It was a running joke amongst Jungkook’s closest friends. A joke that obviously wasn’t very true. 

“And what about you?” he laughed. “Are you not a girl?” 

“I’m not that type of girl to you,” you smiled ruefully. 

“Nah,” he grinned, his eyes shining in blissful ignorance. “You’re my special girl,” 

But not that type of special. 

Other than the smile you gave him, you didn’t respond to that. You don’t know what to say to it anymore. You stayed there for a few more minutes, shamefully enjoying Jungkook’s arms around you. You hid your weak smile from him because he’d immediately be able to catch how upset it was. How selfish could you be to take advantage of his love for you? He loves you. You’re his special girl. He said it himself. He’s not lying. 

But you’re lying to yourself when you say that it means something. It means something. But not what you want it to.

How many times had you shakily typed into the search bar: How to confess to your best friend?

How many more times would you need to type before you realized what you already knew?

Jungkook gently pushed you off of him, not in a way that was intentionally cruel and yet somehow it felt that way. He stood up and stretched, a tired groan leaving his lips as he popped a few joints. 

“I’m going to bed. Are you coming?” 

“In a few,” you smiled, the facade taking over you easily. Of course, after all this time, the practice had made you a master at hiding. He grinned at you, the boyish grin that masked the tiredness in his eyes. Tired eyes that lit up when they looked at you. But sparkled and softened when they looked at her. 

You sat there on the couch for a while, a few measly minutes that felt as though they were stretched into long hours. Thinking like this, alone, was dangerous for you. No matter how many times you’d tried to clear it, Jungkook remained, his hold on you becoming stronger as every second passed. It wouldn’t get any easier in the future. You knew this and you knew it well. 

The pain in your chest came fast and familiar. You brought your hand up to your lips to muffle the sound of your harsh cough. Pulling it away, you looked down at the petals in your palm. 

Tiger Flower. 

Poetic isn’t it? His birth flower. You smiled at your palm. With your other hand, you reached into the small bag at your feet, the bag reserved for overnight stays at Jungkook’s house. The pamphlet you pulled out was curled at the edges and crumpled in certain areas due to how much time you had spent looking through it. 

Your mom had told you about the surgery as soon as the petals started coming. Everyone was worried, because they knew what would happen if you let it go. Everyone except him of course. Poor thing, he didn’t even know. 

You stood up and walked into the bathroom to dust the petals into the trash. 

You couldn’t bring yourself to let Jungkook go. There was no pain that would be greater to you. Jungkook was real and he was the only real thing that mattered to you. You were his special girl. How could you even think of letting him go? 

Chuckling to yourself, you made the decision and felt your heart tear. 

You grasped the pamphlet in both hands and tore it in half, then quarters, then eighths, until it was nothing more than uneven shreds in your palms. With a bittersweet smile, you dusted the shreds into Jungkook’s trash can, before following him into his room, ready to build another fortress of blankets.

.

.

.

[harry-sussex]

You're lovely, and I enjoy seeing your blog on my dashboard. I'm sorry this has been such a difficult thing to process. It's always really difficult to rework an image of someone you once thought you knew. However I'd like to just put it out there - sometimes (I think the large majority of the time) news is presented in the most sensationalist way, such that nowadays I make a point of de-sensationalizing any news I read in my head. In the case of the whole Harry's memoir thing- I can sympathize with Harry as a person possibly just wanting to take back some control of the narrative for himself. Not just in the most recent events with family (that I tend to think are less horrifying than the fandom/Twitter sussex squad discusses it anyway), but in all aspects of his life. I do not at all think he's going to put his family on blast. I can easily imagine Meghan reigning that dialogue in; she has the tendency to think before she speaks that he seems to lack. And he loves his family. Similar to The Interview promos, I imagine the publishing house knew to increase the interest by implying it to be a tell all memoir. I think he's just done a lot of growing up that he didn't know he had to do over a short period of time, esp re: implicit bias/racism in the setting of media's blatant attack on someone he loves, and is disappointed by the institution's and his family's response to it. I think he's emerged a more introspective and aware human, albeit a disillusioned one. Yes it breaks my heart to think that Meghan won't get a break from the tabloids any time soon. If I were him I'd counsel him to write it & sit on it for a few yrs. But I don't want to give the media the power to destroy Meghan in my mind, and I pray she & Harry won't either. I think she'll be okay. She's a strong one, and I think he's able to draw that same link for himself and be thoughtful about what he does. No one likes being misunderstood/misinterpreted, and I wouldn't be surprised if Harry's especially triggered by that given his history with the press. Maybe this idea emerged from therapy, idk. I can empathize with that, even if I wouldn't do it myself. I hope and pray Meghan gets the support she needs from him and her loved ones in the meantime. I'm honestly not going to read it. I think the less attention I give the BRF the better off they are, unless they're doing something immoral/illegal (see: Woking pizza alibi). And I think at the end of the day, people will unfairly judge other people, especially public figures that have tragic pasts and are publically fighting with the media. A lot of it is going to be noise and I'm not going to give my energy into figuring it out. I like to think I've got a good sense of who they are as people - flawed but ultimately well meaning and earnest. I'm a huge admirer of Meghan and think Harry got really lucky with this one and I'm proud of him for choosing her in more ways than one. I believe Harry and Meghan are lovely people, and I 100% believe their interview. I believe that there are people in the palace with a lot of unchecked power who deliberately uncovered her and Archie from BRF protection for reasons of believed superiority over Meg & Arch. And they're figuring out how to deal with that as a couple and a family. And it's none of my business past that imo. I pray for them and hope it'll eventually end in peace for them all. Just wanted to add another perspective, and hopefully some levity. xx M

Hi, dear. First thing’s first, I really appreciate that this is off anon lol. I love it when people own their opinions, and it says a lot that you did. So thank you for that.

Second of all, I really appreciate the nuance and perspective that is in this message. I agree that the news is sensationalist, and my initial reaction was based off of that. I did watch the promotional clips of the interview and I believe it did sour my expectations going into it when I watched it nearly a week after it aired. I did my best to stay away from Tumblr because I didn’t want that to hinder my view, but it was impossible to separate the promotions that presented the information one way from what it actually was, and thank you for bringing that up with respect to the memoir because I hadn’t considered it. I will say that my knee jerk reaction is pretty on par with the way I still feel about it 24 hours later, especially since I got the news directly, not from Tumblr or Twitter or anywhere else, but you’re right that it could have soured my view from the very start.

I appreciate that he wants to take back some of the narrative but I think that ship has sailed, tbh. He did that with the interview and now I just think it feels like information overload. At some point, people are going to get tired of hearing the wealthy, privileged, powerful Prince complain about his life while more than 4 million people have died due to a global pandemic in less than 2 years. Not to say that he doesn’t struggle - in the words of Roxane Gay, there is no oppression Olympics (and that can be extended to struggle Olympics) - but people view it that way and will get tired of it, if they haven’t already.

I also agree that Harry’s past with the press has tarnished the way he has handled the media and the public post-exit, when he’s finally in a position to strike back without being somewhat obliged to them as part of the circumstances of his birth. I understand and sympathize with him but I just don’t think the public does, and the public matters much, much more than the perspective of one single American fan, to whom he’s never been obliged, and I simply do not think the public will afford him that same understanding, sympathy, and leniency. The public and the media are critical to his humanitarian work - his mother never realized that towards the end of her life, and I truly don’t think she would have been the martyr/saint she is perceived to be now if she had lived, because she did not know how to meet the media in the middle and eventually that started to piss people off. He’s starting to piss people off now and if it doesn’t bother him personally (which it definitely does), I don’t want it to affect his causes. The Invictus Games, Sentebale, Walking with the Wounded, WellChild, Mayhew, Smartworks, Archewell, etc. deserve better than to suffer the wrath of the media and an apathetic public because their patrons simply will not shut up lol.

I guess my point is that they will be unfairly judged (regardless, but especially due to the way they’re handling things), and I think it would suit them better in the long run if they adopted a different strategy. I really sympathize with the fact that he feels frustrated with the narrative that has been manufactured but I really, really think the narrative will only get worse and worse as he continues to go on and on about how badly his life sucks, basically. Again, I don’t deny that he struggles - we all do, some more than others, especially when there are mental health issues - but the public, to me, simply does not care. My own therapist has told me to simply stop caring about the things that I discuss with him. Not to say that they’re not relevant, important, or worthy of discussion - they absolutely are - but his point is that you cannot change people and you are wasting your energy and struggling yourself because you want to change them so, so, so badly that you’re neglecting your own self care in the process. I hate that I do it to myself and I also hate that he appears to be doing it to himself. I’m sure a lot of this conversation has been brought up in his own therapy, and I’m no professional, but I’m doing my best to heed the advice of my own therapist - which is the opposite of what Harry is doing - and it’s done wonders for me, when I actually can do it.

If there’s anything I know from this whole thing, it’s that Harry is absolutely punching above his weight, love him as I may, and that he adores, adores, adores his wife. He has chosen her from the very second she came into his life and I couldn’t want anything more for him or from her. I’m not going to lie, I would have been in this thing for any wife that Harry chose, because I was here long before Meghan specifically came into his life. However, I am glad every day that he chose her, that he loves her, that he wants to protect her, that she loves him back, that he lives the life with her that he’s wanted as long as I (and I’m sure he) can remember. I love her because he loves her, and I would have no matter what, because at the end of the day, it’s his happiness and comfort that matters to me, that has mattered to me since I discovered him and how wonderful he can be more than 7 years ago. What more could I ask of Meghan? What more, as his fan to the end (annoy me as he may), could I want for him? Who could say anything about her in that regard? If there’s anything that has come of this mess, to me, it’s that Harry loves, loves, loves his wife. I will always be happy for him and I will always be proud of him for choosing her, even if I don’t always agree with the way he goes about it.

I’m looking forward to peace, too. I cannot wait for things to just die out, for them to work things out as a couple and as a family, and for everyone to move on. The family will still do their thing and the Sussexes can do theirs, but I cannot deal with this back and forth, tit for tat, petty nonsense anymore. They’re wonderful and flawed, like the rest of them (except Andrew), and I just hope that they can all come to some kind of agreement or terms that lets this die down. It’s exhausting for everyone - themselves included. If I’m this tired, I can only imagine how tired they all are.

Thanks for stopping by, and sorry for the essay (essays, these past 24 hours lol). I really appreciate your kindness in this message, your presence in my notifications (I do see them!), your nuanced perspective and like I said before, I really, really appreciate that you own it!

[bobasheebaby]

100 Roseanne Prompts

I usually try to stick to quotes that can work for everyone but some of these were too good to skip. Break at 15 like always. Request a show

1 “Hey, all our lives suck.” — Roseanne

2 “Here's why you can't trust your kids 'cause they're stupid. That's why we don't give 'em cars or booze.” — Roseanne

3 “Etsy is like a yard sale except online because nobody can afford a yard anymore.” — Darlene

4 “All of your relatives died from alcoholism. The ones that didn't drink were killed by the ones who did.” — Roseanne

5 “Did all of your children's deliveries go according to your birth plan?” “Um, they found their way out, if that's what you mean.” — Andrea & Roseanne

6 “You gotta pick your fights in life.” — Roseanne

7 “Okay, he doesn't have to wear pants, but he's gotta wear underwear.” — Dan

8 “It is not my fault that I just happen to be a charismatic person who's always right about everything.” — Roseanne

9 “Why are you picking on me? What, did I take the last doughnut, or something?” — Darlene

10 [Person B is embarrassed after walking in on Person C nursing her baby] “Oh, now, NAME. It's not like you've never seen breasts before.” “NAME’s my friend. As far as I'm concerned, she has no breasts... It works for me, okay?” — Roseanne & Dan

11 “The car has heated seats? Thank God, I thought I was going through the change.” — Roseanne

12 [stoned and laying the bathtub] “Is this the sink? Am I shrinking?” — Jackie

13 “In this house, I'm in charge and father knows squat.” — Roseanne

14 “What's up? I smell fear. I love that smell! But what's up?” — Roseanne

15 “Do you have anything sharp I can stick in my eye?” — Dan

16 “You are really, really gettin' on my nerves today, man! I mean more than usual!” — Dan

17 “Well, you think you can stop me from seeing NAME, huh?” “I think I can stop you from seeing tomorrow.” — Mark & Dan

18 “You were always trying to push us apart. You were always putting me down!” — Mark Healey

19 “My marriage is not based on me listening!” — Roseanne

20 “Why don't you just kiss my butt?” “Well, haul it on over here, Jumbo!” — Becky & Darlene

21 “You are just evil!” — Jackie

22 “Oh good, go for the guilt. You better take a looong, hard look at yourself, NAME, 'cause if you are this obsessed with my life, there is obviously something missing from yours.” “Just figure that out?” — Jackie & Roseanne

23 “I thought you were just gonna go over there and scare him/her?” “Well, it started out that way.” — Roseanne & Dan

24 “Being your own boss isn't that great of a deal. Last week I sexually harassed myself.” — Dan

25 “Hell, even I don't hate her that much.” — Dan

26 “Oh my gosh, I'm so nervous.” “Just don't shoot any milk out of you nose, and you'll be fine.” — Becky & Roseanne

27 “Please, NAME, I don't want you to help me, I just want you to leave me alone ... Please.” — Darlene

28 “Don’t toy with me, NAME.” — Roseanne

29 “We, have had a fight, and we're not speaking to each other.” “Oh, well, what was the fight about? Maybe I can take a side.” — Roseanne & Jackie

30 “He/She wanted to do something; I didn't feel like it.” “Yeah, well, so what are you going to do?” “Nothing.” “That's what you did last weekend!” “Yeah, well I'm not finished.” — Darlene & Roseanne

31 “No, NAME always was the bad influence.” — Roseanne

32 “Talking - it's like yelling, only not as loud.” — Roseanne

33 “Yeah, but you know what they say, NAME. They say, ah, when you really love something you should, you know, make it go away or get rid of it, or whatever.” — Roseanne

34 “You're acting like a crazed psychopath.” [snorts] “Well the voices in my head disagree.” — Dan & Roseanne

35 [on getting married] “I always thought it was the smartest thing I ever did. You obviously don't agree.” “No, I do agree with you, it was the smartest thing you ever did, but we're talking about me now!” — Dan & Roseanne

36 [Person A and Person B bury the hatchet] “So, I guess we've finally approached the end of Bitch-Fest YEAR.” “Oh what a time we had!” — Roseanne & Darlene

37 “You can't tell NAME what to do. She's a big girl!” [snarls] “Compared to who?” — David & Roseanne

38 “What kind of list is he/she making? Not that it's any of my business.” “A hit list.” — Beverly & Dan

39 [feeling for pulse] “I think he’s/she's dead.” [steps back] “Check again.” “I know how to count to zero.” — Roseanne & Dan

40 “What was the second thing you noticed about me?” — Roseanne

41 “Aw, get off the sympathy wagon, NAME; there were plenty of guys/girls standing in line for you to treat 'em like dirt. I was just the lucky one.” — Dan

42 “You are rotten rotten kids, and I can't even believe I'm related to you two!” — Jackie Harris

43 “You'll just do something stupid that you're going to regret later.” — Roseanne

44 “I'm your husband/wife. That's my right.” — Dan

45 [finds present] “You're not going to open it, are you? It's two days away.” “Yea! Well I need time to practice pretending like I like it.” [pulls something ugly from the box] “Oh man, I should'a opened it a week ago.” — Jackie & Roseanne

46 “Oh, this is going to be soooo great!” — Darlene

47 “What's the catch?” “No catch, can't we do something nice?” “I don't know, you never have.” — Roseanne & Becky

48 “Oh my God. You're kidding me!” — Roseanne

49 “Save your breath, NAME, you're not gonna talk me into dropping this lawsuit.” “Well, maybe I can talk you into begging for your life.” — Fred & Roseanne

50 “I'm way more powerful than any law!” — Roseanne

51 “Well NAME, I guess you're just not the man/woman I thought you were ... and I wasn't too happy with that one!” — Roseanne

52 “We should've known, NAME, men stick together no matter how butt headed their argument is.” — Becky

53 [about Person b and person c’s sex life] “You're kidding? You guys have a night?” “Yes, we have a night. It's not only Wednesday, but it's always Wednesday.” You have a time too?” “Yeah. Twenty minutes, or until he gets a cramp.” “Well, you should make him wait half-an-hour after he eats.” — Jackie & Roseanne

54 “Oh, c'mon. Just because you guys aren't having "Wednesday", doesn't mean he’s/she's out ... "Wednesday-ing" somebody else.” — Jackie

55 “What's the matter with you, boy/girl? Can't keep your pants on?” — Dan

56 “Damn women! Who the hell do they think they are!” “We are sugar and spice, and everything nice. So bite me!” — Dan & Roseanne

57 “Have you met NAME?” — Roseanne

58 “Gee, I'd love to NAME, but I'd rather stay home and drill some screws into my toes.” — Darlene

59 “Remember one thing, NAME, I'm your worst nightmare!” — Jackie

60 “You always say how you want better things for us.” “Ah, yea, but I was talking about me and your Dad. You kids already got it too good.” — Becky & Roseanne

61 “You are a controlling bitch!” — Dan

62 “Boy I'll tell you, I wish I had never m - -“ “What? Say it.” “Nothin'.” “Well that makes two of us.“ — Dan & Roseanne

63 “Ooohhh, we all know what this is about, don't we? You're just jealous because I've made something of myself.” “Yeah, an ass ... And where do you get that hoity-toity accent anyway? You're from PLACE!” — Ronnie & Roseanne

64 “I can't believe that I wasted TIME hating you for something as stupid as a wedding, when there's a very good reason to hate you. You're a bitch!” [gasps] “I'm a bitch? Hah! I bow to the queen of all bitches.” — Roseanne & Ronnie

65 “Look me in the eye and tell me it was an accident. And remember ... I can tell when you're lying.” “It was an accident ... could you tell?” — Roseanne & DJ

66 “I could go for something to eat.” “Yeah? Well, then go.” [motions toward the door] — Arnie & Roseanne

67 “You're going to flunk marriage if you can't pass the oral ... oh my God ...” “We know too much, we know too much.” — Dan & Fred

68 “NAME, where'd you get those jelly beans?” “From the bin at store.” “NAME, I told you, you gotta finish eating them while you're in the store, 'else it's stealing!” — Roseanne & DJ

69 “I never thought I would say this ... I'm too depressed to drink.” — Dan

70 “Let's just cut the crap, okay. You're talking to NAME’s mother here, the mother of all mothers and she is majorly mad.” — Roseanne

71 “NAME, NAME, NAME. I have raised two of the best damn liars in the free world. Don't embarrass yourself.” — Roseanne

72 “This is for the pain.” “Owwww. Make it a double.” — Nurse & Jackie

73 “I hate to see you laying here in pain like this.” “Well actually, ever since he/she gave me that shot, I'm feelin' kinda neat.” — Gary & Jackie

74 “I want someone who will love me and support me no matter what. Just like NAME does for you.” “Are you insane! You know how many years I had to put into NAME? You think he/she came out of a box like that!” — Jackie & Roseanne

75 “What do you think your punishment oughta be?” “What do you mean?” “NAME told me everything.” “That little rat.” “But I told him/her I wasn't going to do anything until I get your side of the story.” “Well first we, wait a minute, uh, uh --“ “You're getting good.” — Roseanne & Becky

76 “I worked it out with NAME, he’s/she's gonna stay here and babysit and I'm gonna go out.” “Why would he/she do that?” “I have dirt on him/her. “ “What kind of dirt?” “Now if I told you, I'd have to stay home.” [person a leaves] — Darlene & Roseanne

77 [Person A is acting like a hunchback] “I brought the baggage master, where do you wish me to put it?” “Just put it anywhere Igor.” “Maybe later you and me.” “We'll see.” You're so kind.” [ kisses hand] — Dan & Roseanne

78 [about child’s behavior] “NAME you did stuff like that when you were NAME’s age right?” “No, the boy's odd.” — Roseanne & Dan

79 [offering to the family] “Hey, I got one more pancake.” “I want French toast!” “Well, you better move to Europe.” — Roseanne & DJ

80 [Person A, angry, grabs keys and leaves the house] “Oh God. This is really bad.” “Yeah, I know.” “Oh no. I mean, this is really bad. I'm parked behind him/her.” — Jackie & Dan

81 “Yeah, I do. And we're not going to put him/her through that again, are we?” — Dan

82 [comes in through the front door] “NAME, you all ready to go?” [whining] “I don't wa-haant to-o-o-o! I feel like a used piece of gum that somebody stuck under the table, just waiting for the excitement of drying up and hitting the floor.” — Jackie & Roseanne

83 “You HAVE to take this job ... you're the only one that applied!” — Marsha

84 [grabs the syrup bottle and comes up behind PERSON B] “Remember me, NAME?” [look of terror] “Not Mrs. Butterworth ... please not Mrs. Butterworth.” “Remember how your brother/sister NAME told you how I came to life at night in the cupboard? Remember how I would chase you around even though I have no legs? Well I'm back and I just want one more sticky kiss!” [PERSON B screams] — Roseanne & Jackie

85 “I hope I see you later, I mean, a lot later.” — Roseanne

86 [after the birth] “I didn't call you any horrible names back there, did I?” “No more than usual.” — Roseanne & Dan

87 [about kid dressed as a lawyer] “That's the scariest costume all night.” — Roseanne

88 [going through the candy bowl] “This is all sugar in here.” “Not true, there're chemicals too.” — David & Roseanne

89 “You should be giving children the stuff their bodies need.” [gets fruit from the kitchen] “What the hell is that?” “Wait a minute, honey, I've seen this before, it's food that doesn't come in a wrapper.” “That's unsanitary.” — David, Roseanne & Dan

90 “Did you see the Great Pumpkin last night?” “No, NAME wore pajamas.” — Jackie & Roseanne

91 [discussing Person C] “She's rude and selfish.” “I know, but, inside she's just a ... scared little girl.” Yeah, and I know what's scaring her, the raging bitch on the outside.” — Dan & Roseanne

92 “I'll be back later to give you your present.” “Why can't I just open it now?” “I haven't bought it yet.” — Jackie & Roseanne

93 “And don't you ever feed my dog!” “If I get drunk enough, I'll fight your dog!” — Roseanne

94 “I really don't think it's wise for anyone in this family to be giving away livers.” — Beverly

95 “Say 'I'm not taking any crap from anyone'.” “I am ...” “Stop! It's not 'I am', it's 'I'm'.” “I'm not taking any... do I have to say the C word?” “Yes you do, NAME, because that's the most important word.” “I'm not taking any crap from anyone.” “That was good but are you serving tea, NAME? Get mad and say it.” [louder] “I'm not taking any crap from anyone!” “Good, now personalize it, make it your own.” [louder] “I'm not taking any damn crap from anyone!” — Roseanne & Doris

96 “Hey, where's my 'My other mug is a shot glass' mug?” — Roseanne

97 “Why are you gettin' so mad at me?” “Because you are making me defend NAME.” — Becky & Roseanne

98 “I am not sexist. I'm much too frightened of women to be sexist.” — David

99 “Get me a beer.” “Get it yourself, slob!” — Mark & Darlene

100 “I can't believe you're jealous over this.” “Why not? It's very typical of me.”

[malachi-walker]

What character(s) from other fandoms that you're a part of remind you the most of Catra? Personally, I don't think I've seen too many, aside from maybe Vegeta from DBZ and maybe Jason Todd from DC comics but that's about it for me

Ok, anon, thanks for your patience. Let's go.

Firstly, I have two ladies that do give me a similar vibe to Catra (though they aren't 100% matches as you'll see.) And I want you to take particular note of that: it's very telling that the characters you mentioned are both dudes. This is something I have been thinking about for literally decades because it is a deeply entrenched stereotype in our culture: male abuse victims are angry, frustrated loners who lash out until they find that one (girl) person that gets through their facade, female abuse victims are portrayed as either anxious messes (more common in recent years) or as just... These smiling caricatures who continue to pretend to be happy because that's what our societies expect women to be. And this is something I took note of at a very early age, because as someone growing up with an abusive birth father I looked to the MALE characters as a guide book on how to act, because getting angry and lashing out was what made sense to me at the time and I resented the hell out of that unspoken implication that I was supposed to just suck it up and plaster on a smile when I wanted to rage against the injustice of what I was dealing with. In hindsight it wasn't great behavior, but it was what I needed to keep myself sane at the time. I'm not even exaggerating when I say I have waited my whole life for a character like Catra: someone who is reflective of my experiences as an ex-abuse victim, someone who is angry and wrathful and still allowed to be sympathetic. Now on to our two ladies.

First up: Vriska Serket from Homestuck. (I know, Homestuck is a huge fandom with a lot of assholes, but I do still enjoy the original comic. I just don't interact with the fandom.) Vriska and Catra both have similar vibes in the way they project their outward personas of being the badass bitch who takes no shit and is on top of things, but we all know that's a lie. And they both come from abusive backgrounds: Vriska was forced to become a killer at a very young age because her parental guardian (a literal giant spider) would eat her if Vriska didn't feed her other kids. Doesn't excuse her jerkass tendencies or her terrible actions, but that was how she started out. And Catra's deal with SW needs no explanation.

They both have developed very similar gadfly tendencies in order to maintain a sense of control around other people (though Vriska is a lot more mean spirited about it) and both have moments when the facade cracks and they show actual sincerity and frustration at themselves and other people. The main difference between them is that Vriska's actions are driven by a sense of grandiose self-importance that she has cultivated and fed into as a way to avoid looking at her own actions (because she's the best, so everything she does is awesome, right?) whereas Catra's primary driving motivation is pain: either making sure she doesn't have to hurt anymore or hurting those who hurt her. Plus Catra grapples with her sense of guilt a lot throughout Spop and maintains those sympathetic undertones while Vriska's moments of clarity are so rare that you basically have to keep a chart to locate them. But you could totally picture them both teaming up to make fun of their respective frenemies, assuming they didn't kill each other first for reminding themselves of their deep underlying self-loathing.

Second candidate: Anthy Himemiya from Revolutionary Girl Utena. And boy howdy, if anyone is interested in this show and wants to avoid spoilers, skip to the end now, because we're going on a deep and dark journey here.

At first glance, she and Catra don't have much in common. In fact, she seems to fit the stereotype I described above: the placid smiling doll who takes the abuse and keeps going. Key word: seems to. Anyone who actually watches the show knows exactly where I'm going here.

We're introduced to Anthy as the "Rose Bride": the prize in a series of sword fights between students at a very strange school, with the ultimate promise being that whoever owns the Rose Bride at the end of the duels will gain some nebulous ultimate power. And yeah, I said "own" for a reason: whoever possesses the Rose Bride effectively owns her and some of the most uncomfortable scenes in the show reinforce the fact that Anthy tailors her thoughts and actions to whoever currently controls her. And as you can expect, this leads to BUCKETS of abuse. Literally everyone in this show is culpable in some manner for this, no matter how well intentioned.

But remember that "seems to?" Because that's only one side of Anthy; the outward persona if you will. On the other side of the coin you have Anthy the Witch, and that's where the parallels with Catra come into play and why Anthy was my go-to abuse representation before Spop rocked my world. Because the big twist we find out at the end of the series is that Anthy and her older brother Akio (formerly Dios) are the former literal personifications of the fairytale damsel in distress princess and the noble prince on a white horse, respectively.

But the balance was upset: having to constantly go around saving people was literally killing Dios, because one of the major points of RGU is that you can assist people in saving themselves but doing it yourself strips them of agency and traps them in a cycle of needing to be saved again and again. The more people the noble prince saved, the more people needed saving. When it became clear that he couldn't keep going, Anthy took a stand and prevented the people coming for Dios (angry that he wasn't saving them anymore) from getting to him, and thus incurred the wrath of everyone and got skewered alive by an angry mob in the process. This isn't hyperbole: the role of the Rose Bride is to instinctively bring out the disdain and hatred of everyone on the planet. It's a punishment for stepping out of line, for not being the placid princess who needs to be rescued anymore.

Because we're operating on fairy tale logic, no longer being a princess means that Anthy became a witch, and no longer being the prince made Dios into satanic archetype Akio. So behind the scenes of the entire show, Anthy is the witch assisting her brother in orchestrating the duels, and their ultimate goal is to find someone pure of heart enough to embody those princely virtues Dios once possessed and to steal that power so Akio can return to being who he once was. All of the psychological torments and head games are designed to weed out the potential candidates to find that special someone... Except it's an impossible goal because no human being can live up to that standard. And with each atrocity they commit it becomes even more impossible to return to being that person.

Ok, tangent done, here's where it gets interesting: Anthy is a character with two sides to her, the suffering Rose Bride fated to endure the hatred of the entire world and the Wicked Witch who manipulates and orchestrates the torment of those around her. But here's the deal: she's a victim too. She's a victim of a system that won't let her be anything other than these two binaries; she's a victim of her brother who has all the power over her and has trapped her in a codependent incestuous relationship, and I don't care how awful the things she's done are: nobody deserves to go through the shit she does. So with all of that in mind, the actions that she goes through as the witch make perfect sense. Why shouldn't she torment these people who do nothing but abuse her and deny her of agency? Even the best hearted of the duellists (aka the ones who don't hit her or abuse her sexually) nonetheless fall into the trap of projecting their own biases and expectations onto her, biases that her role dictates she carry out. Her actions as the witch aren't right, but nothing about this situation is. That's the entire point.

And that's where she ties into being like Catra. Catra does some truly fucked up things, but it doesn't cancel out the fact that she's an abuse victim that has been literally tortured for most of her life for no good reason and has received zero acknowledgement of that abuse in universe. And much like Anthy, she can't begin to heal until the situation is acknowledged, because that's literally step one of breaking the cycle: confirming that this is not okay and that no one deserves the shit she's been through. Just knowing that herself isn't enough: it's acknowledgement from others that enables that process to begin, because no one can recover from abuse in a vacuum. You need outside people to be touchstones, because so much of recovering from abuse is confronting the way it warps your perception and thought processes. You need at the minimum one normal perspective to give you that, preferably more, but one minimum.

Hurting the people who care about her is definitely not okay and I'm not excusing her actions in that category, but it doesn't change the fact that she is justified in wanting to rage and lash out, because she is still trapped in that cycle. She can't heal or let go because the process hasn't even been started. She's not off the hook for the things she's done, but neither should she be automatically condemned without taking those factors into account (which is the entire reason why the distinction between an excuse and a justification exists.)

And if I can be a little pithy... The other similarity between Catra and Anthy is I can guarantee that in twenty years people will STILL be arguing over whether or not Catra "deserved" to be freed from her abusive situation.

Good God this turned into an essay. Hope this makes up for how long it took, anon. And anyone else who makes it this far, treat yourself. You earned it.