#extravapalooza

[teethterror]

Art Fight attack #1 - for @extravapalooza’s OC, Safalina

[dandelion-roots]

[Image description: a digital drawing of two people who have their faces close to each other. On the left is a dark-skinned person with short, slicked back wavy pink hair; they have a gold choker, a gold earring, a couple gold piercings and a gold cuff bracelet whose design displays angel wings, two knives and a pair of grapes; on their chest are golden top surgery scars. Their expression is sad, and their hand is the other person’s face and neck, their thumb by the other person’s ear. The other person has their face tilted up towards the first person, and their expression is neutral and unreadable. Their hair is long and light blue. They have paint in the colours of the trans flag on their cheek, and small gold jewelry in their hair; they’re only shown from the shoulders up, so we can only see the dark purple shoulder of their clothes. The background is light blue, light pink and gold, and displays the artist’s signature (@dandelion-roots) in the corner. End description.]

[sweatermuppet]

what do you say when people ask why you call yourself transsexual? i personally have a few different responses depending on the person (varying from "it has a swagful ring to it" to "fuck off" to an actual genuine explanation for people earnestly trying to learn) but i always think its interesting to hear others!

my go-to is typically short & sweet "personal pref" because ive explained myself so many times. or "i use transsexual cuz that's what i am" + "my transition is an aspect of my sexuality, my use reflects that". also i think "transsexual has a swagful ring to it" was said by @extravapalooza who designed one of my business cards <3

[last-nights-dream1]

@extravapalooza I hope you don’t mind, but I loved the outfit a lot and drew it.

[racingtoaredlight]

RTARL’s 2020 NFL Season Week 1 Extravapalooza

Two months ago, I really didn’t think the NFL would be kicking off this weekend as scheduled. You know, because of the ongoing viral pandemic that America has not at all managed to tamp down in any meaningful way. In hindsight, it was extremely naive of me to underestimate the coercive power of extremely lucrative television deals and non-guaranteed player contracts. 

 I don’t want to be a total downer and make it seem as though I’m not excited to watch the games, because I totally am. Football is and always will be a fucking blast to watch. It’s just that enjoying the NFL already requires a fair degree of mental bargaining and downright self-deception, and the possibility of COVID-19 tearing through an offensive line group comprised of men suffering from one of the worst comorbidities you can have with this disease (obesity) makes that calculus even more difficult. 

These guys are all adults who have chosen to play, and they’re being well-compensated for their efforts. I get it. But, I still worry for them. Does the worry stem from genuine concern, or is it just that I don’t want to deal with feeling guilty down the line if somebody really does have their career cut short (or worse) due to playing a game for my entertainment during a society-wide health crisis? It’s a tough question to answer, honestly. 

Anyway, let’s all form the online equivalent of a season-long prayer circle and hope that each and every one of these beefy boys makes it through without having their careers (or the lives of their loved ones and elderly coaches) drastically impacted by the effects of COVID-19. If a bunch of postponed games are the worst things that happen this season (Bill O’Brien’s playcalling notwithstanding), I’ll be a happy camper. 

Now onto my dogshit picks! The picks are in BOLD, and the lines come to us courtesy of our friends at Vegas Insider. I use the “VI Consensus” line, which is the line that occurs most frequently across Vegas Insider’s list of sportsbooks. Your sportsbook of choice may offer a different number, and if you’d like my opinion on said number A) you are insane, and B) leave a comment below and I’ll try to answer at some point before kickoff today.

Early Games

Miami Dolphins at New England Patriots (-7)

The Dolphins were exceptionally feisty toward the latter part of last season, and I see no reason why that won’t continue. Between the Patriots’ loss of defensive personnel due to Free Agency or COVID-19 opt-outs and Cam Newton’s adjustment period absent a preseason, I think this game’s gonna be a grind.

Cleveland Browns at Baltimore Ravens (-7.5)

As of this writing, it looks like the Browns are going to be down 3 DBs, a linebacker, and 3 offensive lineman. That’s not great, imo. I do expect them to be pretty good this year, though.

New York Jets at Buffalo Bills (-6.5)

My God, the Jets. If the players truly cared about winning they’d purposely get blown out in as many consecutive games as it takes to get Adam Gase fired. Josh Allen remains the league’s preeminent “Fuck it, I’m Chuckin’ it” player, and I love him for it.

Las Vegas Raiders (-3) at Carolina Panthers

Both quarterbacks in this game are risk-averse to a borderline detrimental degree. If you enjoy checkdowns and dumpoffs, this is the game for you.

Seattle Seahawks (-2) at Atlanta Falcons

I think barring an uncharacteristically shitty season, Russell Wilson is going to be this year’s MVP winner. The reason I think this is because there’s already a narrative building about the fact that it’s crazy that he’s never received an MVP vote despite being excellent for his entire career. The Falcons, with their impossibly shitty defense and loaded passing game, are going to be a solid place to spend your entertainment dollars this season.

Philadelphia Eagles (-5.5) at Washington Football Team

I’m picking Washington explicitly because Mina Kimes tweeted that this game would be close and who am I to question her? I was surprised to learn that Boston Scott was Philly’s starting RB and not Mark Wahlberg’s character in Ocean’s 14.

Chicago Bears at Detroit Lions (-2.5)

Matthew Stafford is one of my favorite players, and I do think the Lions will be in the playoff hunt this season. But for today, they’re down Kenny Golladay and Stafford hasn’t had a chance to knock the rust off in live action yet. The Bears D should be able to hold things down enough for the win here.

Indianapolis Colts (-8) at Jacksonville Jaguars

The Colts giving 8 seems insane to me. Sure, Jacksonville’s front office appears to be blatantly trying to field a losing team, but c’mon. They’ve still got the Minshew-Chark love connection, and the Colts are trying to break in a new QB in Phil Rivers.

Green Bay Packers at Minnesota Vikings (-2.5)

I really hope we get Rejuvenated Awesome Aaron Rodgers this season instead of Passive-Aggressive Counting Down the Days Until He’s Out of Town Aaron Rodgers. Kurt Cousins continues to entertain me one way or another, he’s the best. 

Late Games

Los Angeles Chargers (-3) at Cincinnati Bengals

Joe Burrow is such a cool dude. I’m rooting for him to be great, but the Bengals organization is going to make that as difficult as possible. I’m picking them to spring the mild upset on the Chargers, mostly because I’m a sucker.

Arizona Cardinals at San Francisco 49ers (-7)

This game, if it ends up taking place today, is going to be played in the middle of a goddamned inferno, Kane vs Undertaker style. On the plus side, the smoke coating the players’ lungs and airways should shield them from any coronavirus particles. 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at New Orleans Saints (-3.5)

Huh, Tampa has a new QB. It’ll probably be tough for them to gel offensively until later in the season, especially with Mike Evans already dealing with a balky hammy. The admirably loyal Drew Brees will lead his men to a big win today, much to the delight of his fanbase that he loves and would never hurt in any way.

SNF Game: Dallas Cowboys (-2.5) at Los Angeles Rams

Dak Prescott is such a weakling he was actually sad when his brother killed himself, meanwhile Jared Goff ate his twin brother in-utero. Advantage: Rams. Seriously though, fuck Skip Bayless. 

MNF Game #1: Pittsburgh Steelers (-6) at New York Giants

Why do I think that Daniel Jones is going to be really good this year? I’m genuinely asking, I don’t know the answer. Someone please help me. Ben Roethlisberger looks alarmingly like a bloated corpse these days, so don’t be surprised if you see a certain Super Bowl winning QB-turned-analyst lurking on the Pittsburgh sideline.

MNF Game #2: Tennessee Titans (-3) at Denver Broncos

It really sucks that Von Miller suffered a season-ending injury during practice this week. I realize he’s probably on the downside of his career at this point, but whenever I see his name I immediately flash back to watching him absolutely destroy multiple O-lines and QBs in several different playoff games. Von Miller could suit up at age 50 against my team and I’d still be terrified of him. What an awesome player. 

Last Season’s Record: 113-115-6

[turtletoria]

last couple attacks! gonna take a looooong nap now 

character credits: checkndartz | yellowwclouds | @extravapalooza

[yearning-latino-boy-core]

Gay Cowboy Men

Credit to @extravapalooza and @bigmothcomics for the images on the upper right corner and middle

[anistarrose]

The Gingerbread Shacks (GF Holiday One-Shot)

Summary: Nothing ignites sibling rivalries like a challenge to replicate a tourist trap in gingerbread.

Word Count: ~1500

Warnings: none

(Disclaimer: I have not personally tried any of the baking-related things done by characters here, so if you attempt something like this at home, do not expect this fic to predict your results.)

“Grunkle Ford, what happened in here?” Dipper asked as he entered the kitchen. “Those dessert pixies didn’t come back again, did they?”

It was a valid question, seeing as nearly every flat surface within an eight-foot radius of Ford was covered in flecks of either frosting, powdered sugar, or both — not to mention Ford himself, whose hair had accumulated so much sugar that the stripe of lighter gray was indistinguishable from the rest.

“Nothing of the sort, don’t worry,” Ford replied cheerfully, his attention staying fixated on the object on the kitchen table as he slathered it with frosting from a Sasquatch-themed bowl. “I’m just making a gingerbread Mystery Shack. See?”

Dipper gave the structure a closer look as Ford pressed cutout gingerbread letters H, A, C, and K into the frosting, and then haphazardly tossed an S onto the tray below. It really was quite a good replica of the Mystery Shack, as long as you looked at it from the right angle to actually notice the boundaries between all the white-coated pieces.

“Is there even any gingerbread in there, or is it all just frosting?” Dipper asked.

“Well, that’s a funny story,” Ford began. “You might have inferred from the general state of this kitchen —” He gestured around, and a plume of powdered sugar escaped to the air from his sleeve. “— that I’ve had to make a few different batches. That’s because the first batch wasn’t stiff enough to hold the gingerbread pieces together at the angles I needed, so I had to increase the sugar content. First I tried to simply mix additional sugar into the frosting I already had, but that didn’t work as well as I’d hoped, so I had to make a new batch, but I knocked that bowl into the sink… you get the idea. It’s been an ordeal. And when I finally made a satisfactory batch, there was already frosting all over the gingerbread from my first attempt, so I decided to make one more bowl full just so I could cover the whole thing in frosting and have it be uniform.”

He pulled out a Jersey Devil-themed bowl, this one full of red, white, and green sprinkles, and declared: “Just one final touch left to include. Stand back!”

He swung the bowl towards the gingerbread Shack like he was going to throw it, stopping at the last moment as sprinkles rained onto the icing and leaving the Shack looking like a Christmas tree had exploded next to it. Then he repeated the procedure on all sides, and poured the leftover sprinkles onto the roof, grinning widely and happily as he gazed at his creation.

“Did you and Mabel swap minds or something?” Dipper asked incredulously. “What… what even prompted you to make this?”

“Well, Melody was talking about how she’d wanted to make a gingerbread Mystery Shack but ran out of time before the holiday,” Ford explained. “Then Stanley said that he could make one, and I expressed skepticism that he could — so now we’re competing to see who can make the better gingerbread Shack. He’s been working on his at the table in the living room, I believe.”

Ford paused for a moment, contemplative. “You know, I really hope he’s not making as much of a mess as I am,” he murmured, as if the thought was just occurring to him.

“Oh, you’re competing with Stan,” Dipper said. “That explains a lot.”

He heard the door to the porch slamming shut, and a moment later, Mabel, Soos, and Melody entered the kitchen, having apparently returned from their run to the grocery store to replenish dwindling hot chocolate supplies.

“Ooh, Grunkle Ford, are you done with your Shack?” Mabel gasped, leaving noticeable footprints on the sugar-coated floor as she rushed up to examine Ford’s creation. “I see you took some artistic liberties, but I like it! Very festive!”

“Artistic liberties are for amateurs who can’t pull off realism!” Stan barked from the other room. “I haven’t even seen Poindexter’s yet, and I know it’s gonna look like a tree threw up on it!”

“I recall you saying something very different about artistic liberties whenever your taxidermy work came up!” Ford shot back.

There was a pause, and then: “You get your smartass remarks in now, Ford, ‘cause once you lay eyes on this masterpiece you’re gonna have no choice but bow down to my mastery of the gingerbread craft! Ugh, my back is killing me —”

Stan staggered into the kitchen, carrying his gingerbread Shack on a blue plastic tray. As everyone moved to the sides of the room to let him get through, a few impressed gasps could be heard — even from Ford himself, though he’d naturally deny it later.

“So? Whaddya think?” Stan’s smug grin was growing wider by the second.

“Set them down next together, so we can judge them!” Soos told him.

Stan did as he was told, and placed down his creation next to Ford’s. While both Shacks had almost exactly the same dimensions, and had featured the letters HACK on a sign with the S down on the tray, the differences ended there. Ford’s was mostly devoid of further detail, but Stan’s had gumdrops and other candies lining almost every edge, and additional gingerbread pieces attached to form triangular windows. There was even a tiny question mark weathervane, though it was held together by toothpicks and the letters WHAT were replaced by gumdrops.

Soos stood between them and held up both his forearms perpendicular to the floor. “Let’s check the Gingerbread-O-Meter…”

On Ford’s side, he turned his arm about forty-five degrees, and then just a bit further extra as Mabel chanted “Go! Go! Go!” and Stan yelled “Hey!”

On Stan’s side, he turned his arm about the same amount in the opposite direction, and then a decent amount further as Dipper and Melody cheered. Ford scowled and raised his hands in exasperation as it became obvious who was in the lead.

“Looks like we have a winner, folks!” Soos declared. “Mr. Pines, you’re the first ever Annual Mystery Shack Gingerbread Bake-Off-A-Thon Extravapalooza Champion!”

“Haha!” Stan cheered. “Eat it, Ford! Except maybe don’t literally eat it, ‘cause —”

“Oh yeah, that reminds me!” Mabel piped up. “Gotta make sure it tastes as good as it looks!” With a surprising amount of effort, she yanked a piece of the roof off of Stan’s gingerbread Shack.

“No, Mabel, wait — please don’t —”

She popped it into her mouth, and her expression lit up as she chewed. “Grunkle Stan, that is fantastic! I can’t place all the favors, but I think you might just be a culinary genius as well as an artistic one!”

“Really?” Dipper said. “Let me try some.”

He took a bite from a piece that had fallen loose when Mabel removed hers, and immediately spat it out with so much force that it flew clear across the room and stuck to the wall. After running to the sink and rinsing his mouth, he finally choked out the words:

“Grunkle Stan, did you glue this together? That was nasty!”

Stan gave a slight shrug, arms folded and eyes pointed towards the ceiling. “Uh, maybe. Don’t worry, though, I only buy the nontoxic stuff.”

“Stanley, I trusted you,” Ford told him, voice dripping with the exaggerated drama of feigned betrayal. “And you go and disregard the rules of our competition entirely.”

“Hey, remind me when you said I couldn’t use glue? Oh, that’s right, you didn’t. See, no rules disregarded! I keep track of these things!”

“It was implicitly stated! We agreed to make gingerbread houses, and gingerbread houses are by definition meant to be edible —”

“Glue is edible, you just have to have an open mind!” Mabel chimed in. “Don’t let society’s ideas about food control you!”

Ford sighed. “You know what, let’s compromise. The two of us can split first place.”

“You guys are the only two who even participated,” Melody pointed out. “If you two tie, there’s no first place. That’s the only place.”

“Yes, but we don’t have to explain the details of the competition to everyone who learns that we’re the first ever Annual Mystery Shack Gingerbread Bake-Off-A-Thon Extravapalooza Co-Champions,” Ford replied. “It sounds rather impressive without context, doesn’t it?”

“Now you’re thinkin’, Sixer!” Stan threw his arm over his brother’s shoulders, and started chanting: “Pines! Pines! Pines!” Ford joined in too, raising a mug of hot chocolate in celebration.

Mabel handed Dipper a frosting-covered piece from Ford’s gingerbread Shack, and started munching on another piece from Stan’s.

“I thought you quit eating glue when you were ten,” Dipper said.

In between bites, she replied: “It was out of season for a while.”

“Out of season for three years? That’s not how seasons work!”

Mabel shrugged. “I dunno. Just don’t tell my orthodontist.”

***

Thanks for reading, comments/reblogs are really appreciated as always! Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it, and to those who don’t, hope your day has been great!

[goingforthebronzatron]

We made this super funny, nerdy, toy extravapalooza Christmas Special just for you! Check it out and we tripple dog dare you not to laugh. It’s our finest work to date.

[suckinglucifer]

you're a hottieeee :)

6 sorry :/

i can smell post limit

[racingtoaredlight]

RTARL’s 2020 NFL Season Week 14 Extravapalooza

The Week 14 slate of games is straight doo-doo until the AFC North rescues us in primetime. As a result of this, I found it pretty difficult to get up for this week’s Extravapalooza. I know what you’re thinking: I’m a professional being paid ludicrous sums of money to show up on the weekend and give it everything I’ve got. But, I’m only human. My assistant puts my pants on me one leg at a time, just like everyone else. Frankly, I think this lackluster effort falls more on the coaching staff than it does on me. 

My picks are in BOLD, and the lines come to us courtesy of our friends at Vegas Insider. I use the “VI Consensus” line, which is the line that occurs most frequently across Vegas Insider’s list of sportsbooks. Your sportsbook of choice may offer a different number, and if you’d like my opinion on said number A) you are insane, and B) leave a comment below and I’ll try to answer at some point before things kickoff today.

EARLY GAMES

Houston Texans (-1.5) at Chicago Bears

Hey, did you know that the Bears traded up in the draft to take Mitchell Trubisky over DeShaun Watson? It’s true! Today, it’ll look like it was the right move. LOL, not really. But, I’m putting my faith in the ability of the Bears defense to bottle Watson up just enough to allow Mitchell a brief afternoon of sweet, sweet glory.

Dallas Cowboys (-3) at Cincinnati Bengals

OH BOY, ANDY DALTON REVENGE GAME!! This game could’ve been a fun time with Dak Prescott and Joe Burrow calling the signals for their respective squads, but sadly what we have in reality is a hideous slopfest that only the most degenerate among us would dare gaze upon.

Kansas City Chiefs (-7.5) at Miami Dolphins

I think the Dolphins defense can do a reasonably good job holding K.C. down, relatively speaking. The problem is that I’m not sure their Tua-led offense can keep pace. They’re still adjusting to life with Tua as their triggerman, and losing their best RB, Myles Gaskin, to the COVID list is a tough blow.

Arizona Cardinals (-2.5) at New York Giants

The Giants have won 4 in a row, while the Cards have dropped 3 in a row and 4 of their last 5. These twin developments are most unexpected. I just can’t bring myself to pick against my beloved Kyler Murray in this one, even though he’s been scuffling and the Giants made Russell Damn Wilson look like crud just last week. Daniel Jones is expected to be back in the saddle for the Giants, which provides another reason to pick New York that I’m choosing to ignore.

Minnesota Vikings at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-7)

The Vikings are agents of pure chaos capable of both thrashing anyone and being thrashed by anyone, while the Bucs haven’t strung together two good halves in over a month. I truly have no idea what to expect from this game*. 

*Judging by my picks record, I have no idea what to expect from any game

Denver Broncos at Carolina Panthers (-3.5)

Here we have an incredibly resistible force meeting an exceptionally moveable object. The Broncos will be without their top 3 CBs, which is less than ideal. Carolina won’t have RB Christian McCaffery or WR DJ Moore, but I still like their odds of hitting a big play on offense and/or capitalizing on a Drew Lock mistake enough to pick them to win by more than a field goal.

Tennessee Titans (-7.5) at Jacksonville Jaguars

Derrick Henry is the jewel of my fantasy team, and since my playoffs begin this week I’m putting the idea of him cranking out a hilarious yardage total while grinding out the clock out into the universe. 

LATE GAMES 

Indianapolis Colts (-3) at Las Vegas Raiders

The most non-descript game imaginable.

New York Jets at Seattle Seahawks (-15)

The Seahawks need a get-right game after losing to the Giants last week, and lo and behold the Jets are coming to town. The only thing giving me pause here is the non-zero chance that Pete Carroll got sidetracked during the week and the team spent their preparation time learning the TRUTH about a totally different New York jet situation.

Green Bay Packers (-8) at Detroit Lions

Somebody on Twitter (possibly Jim Harbaugh Scramble?) pointed out how much the FOX cartoon graphic for Packers TE Robert Tonyan looks like White Michael Vick from the infamous “What If Michael Vick Were White?” story from a few years ago, and it cracked me up for a solid 10 minutes.

LOL

New Orleans Saints (-8) at Philadelphia Eagles

I’m morbidly fascinated by this game. Saints QB Taysom Hill has looked shockingly competent...when playing against the Atlanta Falcons. How will he do against a different, larger species of bird? I don’t know what to expect out of Eagles QB Jalen Hurts in his first start, but at the very least I think he’ll take off running to try and gain SOME yards if his first couple of reads are covered, as opposed to holding the ball and waiting to get creamed a la Carson Wentz. The Saints defense is a brutal first matchup for him, though.

Atlanta Falcons at Los Angeles Chargers (PK)

I’m following my “Don’t Pick the Falcons If Julio Jones Is Out” rule here. I have no idea if that rule has actually served me well whatsoever. 

Washington Football Team at San Francisco 49ers (-3)

As of this writing, I can’t find any solid info as to whether or not Football Team O-linemen Brandon Scherff, Morgan Moses, and David Sharpe are going to play. Even if they manage to get out there, they’re pretty banged up. The o-line injuries combined with the loss of studly RB Antonio Gibson has tamped my enthusiasm for Washington down considerably. 

SNF: Pittsburgh Steelers at Buffalo Bills (-2.5)

FIRE TOMLIN! Seriously though, this is Pittsburgh’s third game in 11 days, which is ridiculous. They’ll also be without CB Joe Haden, which will only tempt Josh Allen to chuck it up even more. Whether or not this is beneficial for the Bills depends on how you feel about Josh Allen, I suppose.

MNF: Baltimore Ravens (-3) at Cleveland Browns

The Browns and their fans are riding too high right now. The laws of the universe require them to be knocked down a peg or two, possibly due in large part to former Ohio State Buckeye JK Dobbins returning to Ohio and running roughshod over the home team.

Last Week’s Record: 8-6

Season Record: 82-91-6

[nonlouis]

❀

6.9

blog rates

[pinkyadam]

OK LETS SEE josh hutcherson, george shelley, luke brooks, jj hamblett, blake jenner, jacob artist, logan lerman, keegan allen, tyler blackburn, taylor lautner, IF YOU DINT KNOW THEM THEN LOOK THEM UP BC THEYRE ALL FUCKIN SEXY OK U N F

BLAKE JENNER HOLY COW I LOVE HIM. A;SLDKFJA;DFLKHBAJ;SLDKFGJ;ASLDKFJAS;LDKFJ;AWORIGJ;ALKDSFJ;ALSKDFJ;ASLDKFJA;DFLBA;DFLKGJ HE WILL BE MY HUSBAND SOMEDAY I PROMISE

tell me the top 10 of your hotties list (doesn't have to be 1d)

[dinqus]

you stole fanart from rockitrocket... in this picture: 25*media*tumblr*com/tumblr_m9mu5xmDlw1ro94u5o1_500*png you photoshopped rockitrocket's signature out from above the door and put yours in and i know this for a fact so please dont say "how do you know she didnt steal it from me" but you should probably delete the post or give her credit :)

what the fuck are you talking about...i drew that ok rockitrocket didnt. I DREW THAT. THATS NOT EVENN HER STYLE OF ART I WISH I DREW LIKE HER SO DONT FUCKING ACCUSE ME..OMG 

I DREW THAT OK WHY WOULD I EVER REMOVE SOMEONES WATERMARK WHEN I HATE WHEN PEOPLE DO HAT TO ME NO

[muttatedcity]

that gif at the bottom of you faq is godly im drooling but harrydf kuwhfelo;

Hahaha. Oh, Harry. :D

Please criticize my poem for my English project. OMG.

[racingtoaredlight]

RTARL’s 2020 NFL Season Week 11 Extravapalooza

Holy moly, we’ve already made it to Week 11. I’m honestly conflicted over whether or not this is a good thing. In terms of basic pandemic mitigation practices, the NFL conducting its season is fucking insane. These guys are all well-compensated pros, but they’re still taking risks well above and beyond what they normally do, and I truly feel pretty shitty about that. In addition, the fact that some stadiums are allowing thousands of fans inside during games is a crime against humanity, and it really lays bare how craven and sociopathic the ghouls who own sports franchises are. 

With that said, it’s extremely hypocritical of me to be so disdainful of the NFL’s current existence, since I watch the games, set my fantasy lineup, and generally enjoy all the stuff that comes with an NFL season. I usually bristle and roll my eyes whenever a sporting entity trots out the whole “We feel like we’re helping society by providing a distraction from everything going on” line, but in this case, with where we are right now as a country...the NFL really is doing that. For me, anyway. Is the stress-relief that the NFL provides to me and millions of other people worth all the bad stuff that comes with it? I don’t know. Probably not. But, I’d be lying if I said I’m not thankful that it’s there.

My picks are in BOLD, and the lines come to us courtesy of our friends at Vegas Insider. I use the “VI Consensus” line, which is the line that occurs most frequently across Vegas Insider’s list of sportsbooks. Your sportsbook of choice may offer a different number, and if you’d like my opinion on said number A) you are insane, and B) leave a comment below and I’ll try to answer at some point before things kickoff today.

EARLY GAMES

Tennessee Titans at Baltimore Ravens (-6)

It’s odd to have a game between a pair of 6-3 teams widely considered contenders that feels like a “must win” for each scuffling side. A great man once said “Desperation is a stinky cologne,” and the Titans absolutely reek coming into this one, so I’m giving them the edge. Baltimore being down two starting defensive linemen when Derrick Henry comes to town also factors into my pick, but nobody wants to hear that nerd shit, gotta go with my GUT, baby!

Philadelphia Eagles at Cleveland Browns (-2.5)

Hey, Cleveland doesn’t have to play in the middle of a tornado this week! There will still be driving rains, though. Fortunately, the Browns are built for the slop. RBs Nick Chubb and Kareem Hunt are both ridiculous, but I’d like to give a special shoutout to G Wyatt Teller, who is currently Pro Football Focus’ highest-graded player...in the entire NFL. That’s some grade A beef! DE and straight-up superhuman Myles Garrett is out for this one, which is an enormous blow for the Cleveland defense. If I had any confidence whatsoever in Carson Wentz I’d think about taking Philly, but that young man is a mess.

Pittsburgh Steelers (-10.5) at Jacksonville Jaguars

I’m once again betting on the Steelers playing down to the level of their competition. The Jags kept things close against the Packers last week, there’s fight in them thar cats.

Cincinnati Bengals at Washington Football Team (-1.5)

I’m still extremely nervous for Alex Smith the entire time he’s on the field, but I have to admit there’s something magical about him making it all the way back to being exactly as Alex Smith-y as he was before (minus the scrambling ability, obviously). Washington RB J.D. McKissic has 16(!) catches on 29(!!) targets over the two games Smith has started. If this continues J.D. is going to owe Alex a cut of his next contract, and possibly the mineral rights to his legs if the need arises.

Today is Cincy RB Gio Bernard’s birthday, so LOOK OUT LADIES!

Atlanta Falcons at New Orleans Saints (-3.5)

I’m making this pick based on the assumption that New Orleans really does roll with Taysom Hill at QB for the entire game, because that’s what all currently available information indicates will happen. I really do wonder if that’s going to be the case, though. I’ve read a couple of things speculating that the reason Hill is starting is that if Jameis plays he’s likely to reach various incentive clauses in his contract and cost the Saints a bunch of money. That seems utterly ridiculous to me, because why the hell would you bother signing him at all if this is how you were gonna roll? Then again, I’m not a Football Man, so maybe my un-browned normie brain just doesn’t understand.

Detroit Lions (-3) at Carolina Panthers

CATFIGHT!!!

The Lions are the orange kitty in this scenario, because Matthew Stafford will be playing through a torn thumb while not having WR Kenny Golladay or RB D’Andre Swift at his disposal. 

New England Patriots (-2) at Houston Texans

The concept of an “emotional hedge,” first introduced to me by RTARL commenter Beer, is in play here. I have NO idea if the Patriots are actually decent or not, and this has all the makings of a letdown game coming off of their unexpected win over Baltimore. Reigning Defensive Player of the Year Stephon Gilmore is expected to be back for the Pats in this one, which is very nice. RB Sony Michel is also likely coming back, which could muddy the backfield and take touches away from Damien Harris, which is less nice. 

The Patriots have an atrocious rush defense, but Houston’s primary RB, Duke Johnson, is far better as a receiver than as a straight-up runner, so I’m not sure they can take advantage all that much. In addition, Duke’s receiving skills are mostly squandered because QB DeShaun Watson hates checking down and seemingly prefers to take sacks while looking for throws downfield instead. Wait, why the hell am I picking Houston here??? Is this what hedging is? I don’t like it!

LATE GAMES

New York Jets at Los Angeles Chargers (-9.5)

It feels weird to lay 9.5 points with a 2-7 team, but such is the power of the Jets’ ineptitude. To New York’s credit, they were competitive in two of their last three games (against NE and BUF), but those two games were sandwiched around a 35-9 beatdown at the hands of Kansas City. We would all feel better if the cool, young Chargers steamrolled these sad sacks in a joyous explosion of big plays, and this pick is my attempt at speaking it into existence. 

Miami Dolphins (-3.5) at Denver Broncos

I don’t know why I have an affinity for Drew Lock, but I do. He probably appeals to the same part of my brain that delights in terrible movies and horrible jokes, which is the most backhanded compliment I have ever given anyone in my entire life. Drew's gonna tough it out and try to play through a rib injury this week, which is gutty and admirable and all that, but I can’t imagine it’s going to help his already shaky accuracy.

Green Bay Packers at Indianapolis Colts (-1.5)

The Packers are getting their best defensive player back in CB Jaire Alexander, which will make life more difficult for increasingly-noodle-armed Colts QB Philip Rivers. Conversely, Indy’s defense is among the best in the league, so I don’t really see a carnival of offense coming from the Packers, either. Honestly, this should be a close, well-played game between two exceedingly competent squads. The kind of game where there will be long stretches where nothing major happens, but you can point out random shit that happens away from the ball and talk about line play and really sound like you know what the fuck you’re talking about. A tremendous game for fraudulent football-knowers everywhere.

Dallas Cowboys at Minnesota Vikings (-7)

It would be an INCREDIBLY Vikings move to lose this game outright. The return of Andy Dalton is being treated like it’s something that’ll get the Cowboys somewhat back on track, but prior to his injury he looked like crap, so I don’t really know where that’s coming from. Also, while he was out with a concussion he had a bout with COVID-19 that “hit him hard.” It’s tough for me to imagine he’s going to play BETTER coming out of what sounds like a truly shitty few weeks.

SNF: Kansas City Chiefs (-7.5) at Las Vegas Raiders

A lot has been made about how pissed Kansas City is about the Raiders taking a supposed “victory lap” in their team bus around the Arrowhead parking lot after their win over the Chiefs earlier in the season, and I’m choosing to completely buy into this narrative because it’s fucking hilarious. If K.C. has already reached the “needing to exaggerate/outright invent slights to get up for regular season games against inferior opponents” portion of their reign, we’re in great shape for entertainment purposes going forward.

MNF: Los Angeles Rams at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-4)

I don’t remotely trust Jared Goff against Tampa Bay’s defense. I do think this is probably our SMASHMOUTH NOSEBLEED GRIND IT OUT Game of the Week, and I can already see Tom Brady screaming at his offensive linemen at some point after he gets popped a couple of times during a single possession. Should be fun!

Last Week’s Record: 7-5-1

Season Record: 65-68-5