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sweetmemories2606 · 5 years

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Grayza (brotp) Appreciation (Royal AU)

A ship that's on my list of perfect backups alongside Lyvia and NaLi. I couldn't not have written interactions between them, although in this story, they are purely platonic.

I always love writing Gray and Erza together because they have such chemistry and the fact that Erza is a major Gruvia shipper brings up many possibilities.

In this case, their interactions were about the plan to have Gray infiltrate Avatar and leave Juvia behind.

WARNING: This contains MAJOR SPOILERS for the story.

Hope you'’l enjoy!

Chapter 3: Choices:

Gray found himself on the terrace above the bar where Fairy Tail was still celebrating their victories from the second day of the Grand Magic Games. Not in the mood to celebrate after the awkward and infuriating conversation he'd just had, the ice mage chose to go out for some fresh air.

Surprisingly, he soon learned that Erza had had the same idea. Spotting the red head leaning against the balcony, he greeted her casually.

"Hey, Erza. What's up?" She turned around slightly and he was immediately concerned. "Is something the matter?"

"Hello, Gray." She greeted him, sounding a bit tense. "I'm fine, don't worry."

He was about to ask about what was bothering her, but she beat him to it. "So, what brings you out here all alone?"

"After dealing with Juvia and Lyon's nonsense all night, I figured I could use a little fresh air to clear my head." She gave him a knowing smile.

"You think it's nonsense, huh?" Gray looked away.

"I don't understand why they can't leave me alone." Erza laughed, albeit bitterly.

"Is that really what you want?" He frowned, confused.

"What do you mean?" Of course that's what he wanted, he'd just stated it.

"Do you really want Juvia to stay away from you?" She asked. "Or to be with Lyon?"

"Please." Gray rolled his eyes. "She would never settle for that idiot."

"What if she did, Gray? What if she chose him and they started dating?" The ice mage immediately tensed at the thought. "Would you be okay with that?"

"She wouldn't." Erza sighed.

"You didn't answer my question and I think I know why." Pausing, she placed a hand on his shoulder and turned him around a bit to face her. "You can't deny that you've been jealous of Juvia with Lyon."

"So what? It doesn't mean anything." Gray tried to convince them both.

"Maybe you haven't yet figured out how you feel about her, but you really should." Erza told him, sincerely. "Because she won't wait around forever and I know that it would hurt you if she chose to be with someone else."

"She won't chose someone else." He affirmed, unsure whether to feel happy or bothered by it.

"Denying it won't help you." She warned. "You must give her a real answer, unless you want to lose her forever."

Once again, Gray looked away, but this time Erza was confident he would think about it and give the water mage an answer. What she couldn't have possibly imagined, though, was that by the time he did, Juvia would actually be engaged to someone else.

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Chapter 4: Confidence

"Gray?" Erza frowned, concerned when he was silent for too long.

"Sorry." The ice mage blinked. "It's a lot to take in."

"Yes, I know." She nodded, remembering when Jellal had filled her in on the situation.

"So there's this dark cult who worships Zeref and you want me to infiltrate them and figure out their final goal?" Gray asked for clarification.

"Exactly." Erza nodded once again. "Jellal made it clear that they are a real threat, so the sooner you do it, the better."

"But why me? Why can't he infiltrate them himself?" It made no sense to him that the man who once ruled over the Tower of Heaven wouldn't volunteer to infiltrate Avatar.

"He's got a lot of his plate now that he's responsible for the former Oracion Seis." The red head explained. "And besides, I don't think you'll have a problem pretending to be evil."

"Is that a compliment?" Gray raised a brow.

"You're a skilled liar, so I believe you can convince Avatar that you're on their side." She continued. "And these black markings should be enough to prove that you're no longer one of the good guys."

"So you think they'll believe me just because I look evil?" He looked down at his chest, where the black markings remained.

"I think that it will help you, but you still need to come up with a convincing lie." Erza replied.

"Okay. So, say I do infiltrate them. What happens then?" He asked, crossing his arms.

"You'll gather information. It shouldn't take longer than a month for you to get close enough to figure out their plan." His eyes widened.

"A month? I can't be gone for a whole month, Erza!" Remembering the bluenette who was probably patiently waiting for him to come home, he shook his head. "I can't do that to Juvia."

"I'm glad you brought that up, Gray." Erza said, looking conflicted. "Because I'm afraid we won't be able to tell her what we're doing."

"What do you mean?" He didn't like the sound of that.

"Gray, you know Juvia even better than me. Do you really think that she'll be okay staying behind while you go on this dangerous mission?" She did have a point.

"She'll probably try to convince me to take her too." Gray groaned.

"Which would only put the two of you in danger." The read head crossed her arms. "Avatar could use her against you or vice-versa."

"So what do you suggest we do?" Her face showed regret as she said it.

"You'll have to leave her behind." The words hit him like knives.

"So you're saying I should abandon her?" He swallowed hard, tears threatening to fall. The mere thought of it hurt deeper than the fear of Juvia getting hurt. How could he do something so horrible?

"I'm sorry." Erza offered a sympathetic look. "But it's for the best."

"I don't see how." Gray shook his head, feeling disgusted with both of them for even discussing it.

"It's the only way to keep her safe, Gray. Isn't that what you want?" That wasn't yet enough to convince him, but after he reluctantly agreed to follow Erza's plan, her words became his constant reminder every time he thought about Juvia.

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Chapter 6: Changing

"She did what?!" Erza's eyes widened.

"It caught me off guard too." Gray admitted.

"How did we not count on this?" She shook her head.

"I guess I just never thought that she would go that far." He sighed. "She was always trying to get me to talk, but I guess she finally realized that I wasn't going to."

His mind flashed to multiple conversations with Briar, who never ceased to ask about his past and the "mysterious woman" whose mention always made him tense.

After months of asking, she apparently decided to take matters into her own hands and stole Gray's file from their leader's office.

"What about the other members? Do they know the truth as well?" Erza asked.

"As far as I know, Briar's the only one who read the file." Gray replied before correcting himself. "Besides Arlock, of course. He showed it to me when I first joined."

"We've always known that their leader was aware of everything." Erza stated.

"It's never been a big problem since he accepted me nonetheless and didn't tell the others that I used to be in Fairy Tail." Gray added.

"What about Briar? Do you think she will become a problem?" His answer was expected.

"She knows about Juvia." The ice mage swallowed hard. "So, yeah, that's a problem."

"Are you absolutely sure that she's going to hurt her?" Erza asked.

"She's made it clear that if she ever finds Juvia, she will be eliminated." Gray tensed at the thought. "She even said one time that she would use Juvia as a sacrifice."

"Why is she so eager to kill her?" He shrugged. Even though he was aware of Juvia's feelings and his own, he failed to see Briar's.

"I don't know. She just hates Juvia, for some reason." Erza was thoughtful for a moment.

"What should we do about this? Should we perhaps eliminate her?" Gray shook his head.

"If we get rid of her, they'll be suspicious." Frowning, he tried to come up with a better solution.

"Perhaps we should move Juvia, then." Erza suggested.

"I agree. Take her somewhere safe." He nodded.

"I'll go back to Rainfall Village tomorrow, then." She told him before sighing. "I hope Juvia's alright."

"It's been 4 months since I left her." Gray swallowed hard. "I doubt she will be."

"Is there anything you'd like me to say?" She knew it was best if they told Juvia nothing, but maybe there was something she could say to ease the water mage's suffering.

"Tell her that I'm sorry." The ice mage pleaded. "And I will come back."

That was exactly what Juvia had needed to hear, but his words never reached her since she was long gone.

#fanfic #royal au #grayza #awesome friendship #moments #appreciation #angst #minor #gruvia #gray fullbuster #erza scarlet #juvia lockser #fairy tail #final season #avatar arc #infiltration plan

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grayzaweek · 6 years

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Day 6: Assassin-Spy AU

A/N: You asked for darkness. I had to cut a few things, but still, reader discretion is advised.

“The cult’s name is Avatar,” Erza began handing him her findings. Gray flipped through the pages. There were a lot of pages. He set them down to read through later. “Their leader, or Priest, goes by the name Arlock. No intel on what he looks like.”

“They’ve proclaimed themselves as the successors to the Balam Alliance,” Jellal added. “They worship Zeref, and go to every depth imaginable to do so.”

Gray didn’t even look at him, keeping his eyes fixed on Erza.

“Usually, we would apprehend one of the grunts, get to the big fish through the small fish,” she said with a grimace. “But Arlock and his lieutenants are too well insulated.”

Gray scanned her face, staying silent while turning the gears in his head. There was only one reason why Erza would ask him for help, and it wasn’t for firepower. She and Jellal could take most dark guilds by themselves.

“You need someone inside,” he said finally. “You want me to go under.”

“You’d be the perfect recruit-”

“Shut up,” Gray told Jellal quietly while keeping his gaze on Erza, who bit her lip in momentary uncertainty before stepping up.

“As Jellal said, you would be the perfect recruit,” she told him. “They are… an expanding business, and are on the lookout for potential recruits to help further their cause. You, a former Fairy Tail mage with Devil Slayer magic, would be too tempting to pass up.”

“Your history with Deliora might present some problems,” Jellal said and Gray finally turned his attention to him. “You have documented conflict with one of Zeref’s demons. They’ll be privy to it. As a Zeref cult, that’ll be a roadblock.”

Without a word, Gray turned back to Erza. Then he asked, “What would I hafta do, exactly?”

“You would have to get close enough to identify Arlock and get intel on the structure and reach of the organisation. And here’s the endgame.” She held out a folder to him, which he took and opened. “This is an arrest warrant for Arlock, signed by the King himself. It’s solid and was issued about a year ago. It was not executed because we can’t identify or find him.”

“But you can. If recruited, you might get close enough to signal us in. You see Arlock, you call us in and we’ll take him down.” Jellal paused. “We’ll set you up with all you need, don’t worry.”

There was urgency in his tone and Gray didn’t respond as he read the entire warrant.

“If Gray does get recruited, he could be taken anywhere,” Erza said finally. “I don’t like that.”

“Why don’t you just go in and take them down?” Gray asked Erza before Jellal could respond. “Would be simpler.”

“Because we want Arlock. The grunts are matter-of-course.” Jellal shrugged. “We need the head of the snake. That’s why we need someone inside to give us the signal to get Arlock.”

“We need to think about this,” Erza said decisively as Gray leaned back in his chair, now leafing through Erza’s notes. She’d been very thorough, putting a lot of effort into the report, though her handwriting had not improved much. She must have wanted to take down Avatar pretty badly. “I am not going to order him to do anything with a risk factor like you’re talking about here. So give us a day or two and we’ll get back to you with an answer.”

Jellal raised his hands, palms out. “Absolutely. I just called this meeting to make my pitch. The rest is up to you.”

He got up to leave the small inn room they’d been sitting in, but Gray stopped him with three words.

“I’ll do it.”

Jellal turned and looked at him. “Are you sure?”

Before he could answer, Erza jumped in. “Gray, we should take our time and gather our options. This is dangerous–”

“Gimme a coupla days to get ready,” Gray told her. “I’ll give it a shot.” He looked at Jellal for the first time that evening. “When do we start?”

“Friday,” he replied. “That’ll give us time to sort out logistics and see about a shadow team. Prep you.”

“I’ve gone UC before.” Gray held up Erza’s notes. “I’ve got all the prep right here.”

Erza shook her head before turning to Jellal. “I want full coverage on him. Whatever, whenever. If anything happens en route I want to be close enough to act. I don’t want him out there without backup.”

“He won’t be. We’ll have him covered at all times.”

“What about after he gets recruited?”

“He’ll be on his own until we can set up communications and establish location. After that, we’ll be close enough to act upon getting the signal.”

That ended the questions from Erza, but she still frowned. Jellal turned to Gray again.

“Friday?”

“Friday.”

After he left, Erza exhaled deeply and sat down on the corner of the bed. She ran her fingers through her hair and then fixed Gray with a glare.

“I still feel you should think about this. Any second thoughts and we pull out.”

Gray shook his head. “You called me here because you needed my help. So I’m helping.” Then he smiled. “And you should know me well enough by now that I’m too thick for even a single thought, let alone seconds.”

Erza was not amused. “Gray…”

“Erza, do you, or do you not want these assholes put away?”

“Yes, but-”

“And this is the most expedient way of doing that?”

She sighed. “Yes.”

“Then we’re doing it.”

Erza looked at him for a few seconds. He could tell she was turning things over in his head. Finally, she nodded.

“Okay, Gray. I’m behind you one hundred percent.”

1234567890

Gray moved down the aisle, looking at inflatable pillows. His partner, Reynard, was at the counter of the store, speaking in hushed tones with the proprietor. A week in and this was his daily routine. They went out, shook down shops, recruited homeless people to run drugs for them. It was grunt work, but one always had to climb ladders in these sorts of situations. Building trust was essential.

The store wasn’t deserted. There was a clerk mopping the floor while two other customers gathered things into baskets. Gray was considering buying an inflatable pillow when the door opened, causing a bell to chime, and another customer walked in. Gray glanced at the door, scanning the newest addition for threats, but glanced away when he saw that it was Erza.

She browsed the items on sale as Gray monitored both her and Reynard, who was still busy talking. Invariably, Erza went and stood beside him, taking a pillow in her hands and turning it over.

“How’re you doing, Gray?” she asked in a low voice without looking at him.

“I’m good. What’re you doing here?”

“Needed to check. We had no eyes on you for a week.”

Gray took a deep breath. “Are you fucking shitting me?” he hissed as quietly as he could. “He said there’d be a shadow team.”

“There was, but they lost you after they took you to the station. Jellal lost his head about that. Where were you taken?”

“Malba. They have a train, Erza. Use it to transport drug mules from city to city. We ride it every day, hitting most of the towns, escorting the mules.”

She nodded. “And you are okay?”

“I am, but I almost wasn’t. They had me strip naked and played ping-pong with my nuts to make sure I wasn’t some UC guy.”

Erza sighed and put the pillow back. “I’m sorry, Gray. Do you want out? I give the word and we’ll swarm this place and pull you out, make it look like a bust.”

“Nah. But I want you to do something else. Who’s out there with you?”

“Jellal and Sawyer. We were eating out fingernails all week but we have you now and won’t drop the ball.”

Gray looked at Reynard again. He was now pointing at the guy behind the counter. They seemed to be arguing.

“Okay. After we’re out of here, there’ll be another pair here tomorrow. Have someone swing by on random enforcement and bust them.”

“Okay. Why?”

“The more people they’re down, the more important I become. Maybe they’ll think twice about playing ping-pong with me again.”

“Okay, we’ll do that, but that’ll pull surveillance off you.”

“Didn’t have it for a week. One day won’t matter.”

“Don’t be absurd. I’ll make sure at least Jellal stays with you. And here, take this.”

She pulled out her purse as if counting money for the pillow and held up a small lacrima communication device between her index and middle finger. Gray took it and shoved it into his pocket.

“Be very careful to not get seen or heard when you call,” she told him. “I’ll be available anytime.”

“Right.”

“Now I have to go buy a pillow. Take care of yourself, Gray.”

“I’ll try.”

1234567890

“Hello.”

“Hey.”

“Gray, do you have something to report?”

“Yeah. They want to make me a full member.”

“…when?”

“I don’t know. But there’ll be a test and a ceremony.”

“Will Arlock be at this ceremony?”

“Probably. I’ll keep you posted. Later.”

“Gray-”

“Yeah?”

“Are you okay?”

“Yes. I’m fine.”

“…okay.”

“Take care of yourself Erza.”

1234567890

“Gray, you’ve missed your last two check-ins, what’s going on? Are you okay?”

“…yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. Write this down.”

“Just a moment… okay, go on.”

“Remember the day we talked? You bought a pillow.”

“Yes.”

“The owner of the shop. His name is Vito Castagnoli. He’s been an associate of Avatar. Gets paid to look the other way. He sells prescription drugs wholesale. He has a wife and two sons, so cash is tight.”

“Okay.”

“His eldest son, Michael, is a good boy. Naive and dumb, but good. He straight up told the Avatar goons that their shop was not for sale. Father and son had a falling out. The father knows that he’s gonna pay for that, but the son refuses to betray his morals.”

“I see.”

“My test is to kill them. Both father and son. The hit’s been scheduled for this Friday.”

“Specifics?”

“I don’t know yet. But I’ll do it alone.”

“What do you want us to do?”

“I want you to get the whole family out of here. I want them gone without a trace. Outside Fiore if you can.”

“Understood.”

“That’s it. I’m out.”

“Okay. See you Friday.”

1234567890

Erza shot up from the rock she’d been sitting on as soon as Gray stepped through the brush. Without a word, she came up and enveloped him in a tight hug which knocked the air out of him. Gray put his arms around her waist and pulled her flush against him and held her there as she rubbed his back.

It had been a week since the hit, but they’d spent all of ten seconds together during the hand-off before he’d had to go. This was the first time he’d had prolonged physical contact with her after going undercover.

At long last, Erza let go of him and held him at arm’s length to appraise him. She frowned as she looked him over.

“You look like a wreck.”

Gray smiled. He saw what she was looking at every day. He’d lost a lot of weight and it showed. The bags under his eyes would be going nowhere fast. She was right on the money. He was a wreck.

“Whatever gave me away?”

“Gray, don’t joke. Are you all right? What happened to you?”

He shrugged. “Don’t you want to know why I asked to meet first?”

“I want to know how you’re doing first. You look like you’ve been hit by a famine.”

Where do I begin, he thought as he sat down on the grass. Erza sat right across from him.

“I guess it’s a mix of the sleeplessness, starvation and the drugs.”

“Drugs?!”

He shrugged again. “In a crew where everyone uses them, I’ll blow my cover if I refuse. There’s no choice.”

“But there are-”

“Time-release additives by the manufacturer?” He shook his head. “The crush the pills and snort them. Renders the additives useless.”

Erza said nothing for a while. Then she licked her lips. “And what about the starvation and sleeplessness?”

“Those are related. I usually skip dinner so the hunger keeps me awake.”

“But why?”

“It’s a pit of snakes, Erza. I can’t close my eyes for five minutes at a stretch. Three assholes tried to shank me in the first week alone.”

“But now?”

“Now not so much, but I don’t trust them.”

Erza sighed. “Gray, do you want to-”

“No. I can’t. Not now. That’ll waste all this effort.”

“All right. So what do you have for me?”

“Locations of chapters and branches of Avatar.” He took out a folded piece of paper from the inside pocket of his coat and handed it to her. “Sadly, no Arlock yet.”

“This is good enough,” Erza told him as she pocketed the note after scanning it quickly. “We can target one chapter, arrest a grunt and bring down the whole branch.”

“That’d be a significant blow, yes. That might even net me another promotion. They’ll want strong people in their core squad.”

“Speaking of which, how went the ceremony?”

“Oh, that.” Gray took off his coat and his shirt and pointed at his right pectoral, which now sported the mark of Avatar where once the Fairy Tail emblem was.

Erza nodded to herself. “We’ll get that tattoo removed once you’re done.”

“It’s not a tattoo,” Gray said off-handedly as he put his shirt back on. “It’s a brand.”

“What?!”

“Yeah, they had a branding iron and all that. Real theatrical. Chanting and stuff.Sure felt like a cult ceremony.”

He chuckled, but Erza wasn’t amused. She sat chewing her lip and Gray didn’t have the words to comfort her. So he got up.

“I have to be getting back now,” he told her. “It’s been good seeing you, Erza.”

“Gray.”

“Hmm?”

“Please take care of yourself.”

“I will.”

1234567890

The old, rundown church in the middle of Mikage forest was probably the worst place Gray had ever been. Not because it was a shambles, neither because it was the main headquarters of Avatar. He’d seen places in worse states of disrepair.

He just didn’t like what the ruins contained.

There was a nude woman lying on a threadbare couch to the left side of the room he was in. Her face and body were turned in toward the rear cushions and she appeared to be asleep or unconscious. Gray couldn’t see her face, but it didn’t take a genius to figure out what was going on. They had most likely drugged her, raped her, and left her unclothed on the couch. Gray believed anyone who did that was capable of the same casualness when it came to murder. He leaned his head down for a moment as he filled with revulsion.

Gray had seen the worst of what humans could do to one another. But by the time he was a witness, the crime had been committed and the suffering was over. Every case left its psychological mark but it was balanced by the fulfilment of justice. He didn’t solve every case, but there was still accomplishment in giving every case his best work.

But when you went undercover, you moved from the safe confines of justice done and entered the world of the depraved. You saw how humans preyed on one another, and there was nothing you could do about it without blowing cover. You had to take it in and live with it to see the case through. Gray wanted to save that woman from another minute of abuse, but he couldn’t. Not now. There was a greater justice he was looking for.

Mary, the Avatar lieutenant who had been giving him the tour, now smiled at him.

“Fuck her,” she said cheerfully.

Gray gave her a long look. “Why?”

“I’m recommending you to Arlock. I have to be sure that you’re not a queer.”

He wanted to reach out and smash her face in, but he settled for tilting his head and smirking. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“Do it and you’ll be told.”

Gray shook his head. “I don’t have to prove a goddamn thing to you.”

“Oh no, not to me. To Lord Zeref.”

“Well he ain’t here right now, is he?”

Her eyes hardened at that, though her smile didn’t falter. “You will not make light of him, Fullbuster.”

“I’ll do whatever I want. You asked me here. You need me in your ranks. I can refuse and walk right out.”

“Then you’ll never get the precious Book of E. N. D. you’ve been searching for.”

Gray remained silent. That was his objective for entering, as far as they knew. She had cornered him. Mary smiled sweetly.

“So now I’ll watch you fuck her and prove you’re no queer. Infidels have no place in the Inner Circle.”

He looked from her to the woman on the sofa and felt his stomach turn.

1234567890

“Hello.”

“…”

“Gray?”

“Yeah. Hey.”

“Report?”

“I got pushed up to lieutenant.”

“You met Arlock?”

“Yes.”

“Then your job is done. We’re pulling you out.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Bigger things going on. Meet me tomorrow and I’ll tell you.”

“Gray, I’m-”

“I gotta go.”

1234567890

As soon as Gray reached the rendezvous, he knew something was up.

“Were you followed?”

Gray answered with a question of his own. “Where’s Erza?”

“She’s currently in a meeting with the Rune Knights in Crocus, discussing plans of attack,” Jellal replied. “Did she not tell you I was coming in her stead?”

“No.”

“Is that a problem?”

“No.”

“Then tell me what you have.”

Gray hesitated just a moment before telling him what all he’d learnt of Project Purification, where the entire populace of Malba was to be massacred as a sacrifice to Zeref. Jellal sat on a rock and listened to it all and nodded.

“Any idea about time frame?”

“Not, but soon. Sometime within the next month.”

“I see. We’re pulling you out.”

“Why?” he asked, anger flashing through his system. “I need to stay here. I can misdirect and delay them. I’m in.”

Jellal shook his head. “Gray, you’ve been in deep cover for half a year. You need out. You need rest, rehabilitation and a psychological analysis.”

“Fuck you, Fernandes, I’m the one in there! This should be my call!”

“Erza wants you out.”

That stopped his tirade and Gray turned away, scowling.

“Is that not why you took the assignment? Because she asked for your help?”

“Shut up.”

“But am I wrong?” Gray didn’t answer. “The main reason why you’re doing this is because you love her.”

He turned very slowly and levelled an icy glare at the man seated calmly on the rock.

“Pick your next words very carefully,” Gray said through clenched teeth.

“I do too,” Jellal said, looking down at his lap. “That’s the truth. I do love her. But… I also killed one of my best friends with my own hands. I even tried to kill her.” He sat silently for a while. “Nothing I do will ever change that fact. Knowing that, knowing what I did, I can’t even bring myself to hold her. Not with these same hands. It’s too unclean. I can’t do it.”

Gray closed his eyes and turned away, shaking his head. He hated the fact that he knew what Jellal was talking about.

“So I try my best to stay out of her way, because I can’t do it. I just can’t.” A pause. “But you can. And I want to get you out before you do something that you can’t come back from. If she’s with someone who can keep her happy, I’d be the happiest man in the world.”

Gray took a deep, steadying breath. “You’re a bit too late for that.”

“What?”

“You have no idea… the things I’ve had to do,” he said slowly and quietly. “As for you, stop being so fucking selfish.”

“Excuse me?”

“Whether or not she wants to be with you is her choice,” Gray said, rounding upon him. “Not mine, not yours. Hers. If you want her to stop, tell her clearly. Stop with this tortured soul and selfless sacrifice bullshit. Your decision alleviates only your own guilt. It does fuck all to resolve the situation.”

“I don’t deserve her.”

“You’re goddamn right. But it’s her choice. And that won’t happen unless she has a reason to move forward. In this case, you making up your fucking mind.”

“What would you do were you in my place, Gray?” he asked, clenching his fists in frustration. “What would you do?”

Gray scoffed. “I wish I was. I wish she looked at me the way she looks at you.”

“If you say it’s too late, whatever you’ve done, aren’t you doing the same thing as me? Self sacrifice to alleviate your own guilt?”

With a shake of his head and a sigh, Gray trudged over to the rock and sat down tiredly beside Jellal.

“I can’t because she only has eyes for you,” he replied. “I love her, and I hate you for making her suffer, but I don’t wanna force myself into this mess until both she and I are sorted out.” He shook his head again, chuckling darkly. “And that ain’t gonna happen anytime soon.”

Never in his life did Gray ever think he’d be having this conversation, let alone any conversation, with Jellal Fernandes. For the longest time, the only regret he’d had was the fact that it hadn’t been him who got to punch the fuck outta the blue haired bastard at the Tower. The thought made him bristle.

“So what you’re saying is if Erza is willing to have you someday, you’d be willing too?”

“I dunno. I don’t write the future. I might be dead by the time that rolls around.”

“But?”

“But… that would be the best day of my life.”

Silence fell between them, and Gray let his thoughts wander. They invariably returned to the conversation that had just ended. Despite himself, he felt a strange sort of kinship with the man seated beside him, also deep in thought. They had common ground in that they both wanted the best for Erza, and that was at least something Gray could respect.

“I’m sorry, Gray,” Jellal said at length. “This mission messed you up badly. I didn’t think it’d mess you up the same way I am.”

“Nobody could’ve anticipated that. Not everything’s your fault, asshole. You’re not that important.” Gray looked down at his palm. “True, these hands are too unclean for her now, and we’re similar in thinking that. But there is a major difference between us.”

“What’s that?”

“I am not what I have done,” Gray said as he rose to his feet. “I am what I will do. And I will not let this hold me back. It’ll take me time to unfuck my head, but I’ll get there.”

Jellal said nothing. Gray looked back over his shoulder.

“I’m going back to work. I don’t ever want you here instead of her again.”

In the end, it didn’t matter what had happened in the past. The past existed to give one context, knowledge and anxiety. Nothing more, nothing less. Gray didn’t know what the future had in store for anyone. He wasn’t an optimist, but that didn’t stop him from hoping.

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The mission was over. Avatar would not rear its head again. His road to recovery had only just begun.

The first thing was to get him off the drugs, and Gray himself had had a brilliant suggestion on how to do that.

Put me in a room with a week’s worth of provisions and nail the door in. Don’t open before a week has passed.

They’d done exactly that. Gray had slept through the first day. He only started hitting the wall at night.

“Anyone out there?” he asked hoarsely as he pounded on the door, room spinning. “Anyone?”

“Gray? Gray, I’m here, what is it?”

Erza. It was her. She was outside. She was good. She’d help him.

“Let me out. Please, let me out.”

“I… I can’t.”

“The fuck d’you mean, you can’t?” He pounded on the door, suddenly seething. “Am I in jail again? You assholes gonna tie me up and break my fingers again, I ain’t tellin’ you shit!”

“No, Gray, you aren’t in jail.” A long pause. “But you can’t leave yet.”

“The fuck you talkin’ about? I needta go, man. I need to.”

“Gray…”

“You don’t understand.” He hugged himself. The shakes were coming. “What’re you doin’ to me?”

“I’m trying to help you, Gray. Remember Avatar? They’re all gone. You saved a lot of lives. But you’re still in the hole.”

Gray shook his head and beat the door with his forehead. “I needta go now, man.”

“Where? There’s nowhere to go, but we can help you here.”

“What do you have? I need it.”

“No, not like that. I mean, really help you. Get you off this addiction and out of this life.”

He shrieked with laughter, a short sharp burst.

“You think you can save me? You think you’re the only one who’s ever tried?” He sat down on the floor and put his back against the door. “Fuck you. I can’t be saved. I don’t wanna be saved.”

“I think you do. Deep down, everybody does.”

“No, please. Just… just let me go.”

“I know it’s going to be rough. A week in this room, it will probably feel like a year. I’m not going to lie to you about anything.”

Gray pulled his knees up and rocked back and forth. The room was doing the jig. If he didn’t move, he’d lose his balance and fall. He didn’t like falling. It hurt.

There was a long pause before the voice came again. “I’ll be sitting outside this door all week. I’m here for you, Gray.”

“Please, I can’t.”

“Yes, you can. But you’ve got to want it. Deep down. You have to know that you are in the abyss and that you want to climb out.”

A sudden spike of rage coursed through him and he thumped the ground with your fist.

“Take your preaching and stick it up your ass, okay? You don’t know what it’s like! You don’t know… you don’t know a fucking thing.” Gray buried his face between his knees and covered his head with his hands. “I bathed thrice a day, soap, shampoo, all that. Unclean. Unclean. Gods, what have I done, what have I done…”

“You’re right,” came the voice after a while. Soft. Pained. “I don’t know. But I trust you, and I know this: whatever you’ve done, you can carry that weight through the withdrawal. Then you can share it with me, okay? It’ll be easier to carry.”

“No,” he moaned as the tears came, shaking his body.

“I will help you. But you have to gut it out and you’ve got to want to.”

“I’m telling you, nothing works! I can’t be saved!”

“Look, I know you lost somebody. I know it can drive you down into a hole. But think of Ur. Is this the end she would want for you?”

Gray said nothing.

“Of course it’s not,” the voice said. “It’s not what she would want.”

“Please,” he said. “I want to go now.”

“Gray, just tell me you want this to end. Give me the nod and we’ll get through it.”

“I don’t even know you!” he screamed.

“You’re right,” the voice said, remaining calm. “But I know there is something better than this for you. Tell me you want it. For Ur. For me.”

“I want to go.”

“There’s nowhere to go. This is it.”

“Fuck.”

“Stay here, Gray. Say you want to try.”

Gray leaned his head back against the door and closed his eyes. He was tired, defeated.

“Come on,” Erza said. “For me. It’s time.”

It was Erza. Erza would be out there all week. He trusted Erza. Erza was good. She wouldn’t hurt him.

“Okay,” he said. “I’ll try.”

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“Gray?” Her voice was gentle, but to him it still felt like nails on a chalkboard. “Gray, are you awake?”

He was, but he didn’t move. He couldn’t even if he wanted to. Most days he didn’t even feel like getting out of bed. Food turned to shit in his mouth and he just didn’t see the point anymore.

Withdrawal had caused him to chew through his nails, rip his hair out and scratch and pound on the door till his hands bled, but he’d come out clean. That had been the easy part. What came after was what almost killed him.

It wasn’t so much the memories of what he’d seen and done that smashed his will, but all the memories of instances where he could have done something, but didn’t. Rationalising it did no good. The voice inside his head refused reason.

You could’ve saved that woman, but you wanted to fuck her, didn’t you? You couldn’t have Erza, so was she a substitute? Were you just looking for a hole?

You could’ve helped all those boys and girls with their addiction had you called in the cavalry on day one. But you wanted to show Erza how good you were, right? Rub it in Jellal’s face? Didn’t matter how many lives you ruined in the process.

You will never have her. She despises you. She can’t even look at you. She knows what you did. They all do.

How do you live with yourself?

You deserve to die.

All day, every day, over and over. There was no way to tune it out, no way to tone down the volume. There was nothing. Nothing made sense. Nothing.

But he still got out of bed every day. Made himself eat. Shaved. Bathed. Went for a jog. Read books. Listened to a little music.

All because of her. All because he was tired of seeing her sad. But it was hard sometimes.

So when she repeated her question and added whether he wanted her to leave, he shook his head and tenderly put his hand over hers.

“Stay,” he said without opening his eyes. “I just need rest.”

Every day, she came without fail. Helped him should he need it. She came to keep him company. Cooked for him. Sometimes, she even read to him. Her voice was the one constant through it all he could lean on for support.

“Okay,” came her voice. “I’m right here.”

Jellal had been right. He had done it for her. There was no denying it. But…

Gray gave her hand a little squeeze. “I couldn’t have done it without you.”

“What do you mean? Done what?”

“I kept sane every week because I knew I had to call you and check-in. I focused on that. It centred me. Your voice… you have a really nice voice.”

“Gray, are you-”

“You gave me the strength to do everything I have ever done since I met you,” he told her flatly and opened his eyes. She was sitting on the edge of his bed, looking down at him. “Without you, I wouldn’t be half of what I am. You inspired me, had faith in me, trusted me, and all this gave me confidence. Told me I was worth something, you know? Still does.”

He reached up and stroked her cheek gently, caressing her hair.

“You’re one of those people I’ve always wanted to make proud,” he continued. “I can never repay all that you’ve done for me, Erza. Can’t even hope to begin. So let me just say that I love you. None of this is because of you. Don’t feel bad. This isn’t your fault.”

Hot tears fell on his nose and cheek, and he brushed them away from her face with his thumb.

“Please don’t be sad,” he whispered.

Erza responded by leaning down and pressing her lips to his forehead.

“You are a wonderful human being, Gray,” she whispered and kissed his cheek. “I hope you know that and understand how much you mean to me. I could not bear to lose you. For any reason. Least of all because of my own errors in judgement.”

As she sat up and dried her eyes with her sleeves, Gray sat himself up and swung his feet over the side of the bed.

I am not what I have done but what I will do.

That was what he had told Jellal. Now it was time to live up to it.

“Hey,” he said and she looked over. “I want to go out.”

“Really?” She looked both shocked and cautiously optimistic. “Where?”

“Anywhere. The walls are closing in on me. I just wanna go for a stroll. Maybe get some coffee.” He smiled. “Or cake. The sweetness might help me taste things again.”

Erza smiled back. “It might. I keep telling you to try cake, but you never listen.”

“Might as well,” Gray replied and stood up. He then held out his hand to her somewhat hesitantly and said, “Do you wanna come with me?”

“Of course,” she replied immediately and took his hand. “Like a date?”

“Yeah,” he replied after some thought. “Exactly like a date. Maybe just what I need.”

He would get through this. He knew that for a fact. And he wouldn’t let it stop him from at least taking the first step.

Up yours, Fernandes.

#born-potty #grayza #grayzaweek #grayza week #grayzaweek2018 #submission #fanfiction #day 6: assassin/spy au #day 6

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