#feeling things and shit or whatever bluh bluh bluh

[tangledinink]

(i love you) (i love you) (i love you)

[ ✩ the gemini ✩ ]

[ozlices]

getting to that point again where our amxiety is building again as it does every few yrs. however, we rly do not have it in us to restart anymore so. we're probably just gonna make our blog priv & mass make our posts unrbable. it's the closest we can get to the comforting privacy of twt. so, yeah. no idea when we're gonna do it kinda depends on energy which has been quite wishy washy, but it will happen at some point. ty in advance for being understanding.

[kintrash413]

socialstuck fic given... recent events :3c

Reddit would consider Tumblr… a friend. maybe. As far as he could tell, Tumblr didn’t think of him at all- embarrassing, considering the small but existent pedestal Reddit held him on but whatever. Reddit, Tumblr, and 4Chan seemed to be the last anonymous sites out there, as far as Reddit knew. and 4Chan was beyond antisocial so once again, that just left Tumblr.

Reddit’s home was collapsing. The carefully built in technology he’d curated over so many years to help everyone he could was getting outlawed, and as a result every part of his home that relied on it was collapsing. Which was… most of it, really.

But… Tumblr wasn’t open to taking in people for charity, he’d made that very clear when Twitter was in an eerily similar situation. And those two used to be matesprites. What hope did Reddit have in comparison?

All this to say that Reddit had been standing outside of Tumblr’s door for nearly an hour, and it was starting to snow. Worst he could say is no, right? Well, that wasn’t true. He could say ‘ew’.

Taking a deep breath and brushing the powdered snow off his shoulders, Reddit knocked.

The door slammed open, and Reddit was greeted with the blade of an axe to his face. He screamed and backed up, hands shooting up innocently. “I’m sorry I’m sorry! I’ll-”

“Oh.” Tumblr lowered the weapon, placing it against the wall. “Thought you were another bot. What are you doing here?”

“Um…”

Tumblr took a step out into the cold, shivering slightly under his suit jacket and eyeing Reddit intensely. “You’re not a bot, right? What’s five (5) times five (5)?”

“...25?”

Tumblr nodded, absconding the single step back inside. “Firefox, it’s cold out here. Come in, dude.”

Well, Reddit was allowed inside for the moment, and he gratefully took it, kicking his boots against the welcome mat as he stepped in. “I don’t know if you heard but, Spez-”

“Oh I heard,” Tumblr spat as he shut the door. “Another fucking corporation fucking over disabled people to make a quick buck.” He shook his head in disgust. “Can I offer you a drink?”

“Sure?”

Tumblr headed into the kitchen without another word, and after a moment of standing in place stupidly, Reddit decided the best course of action was to follow a few feet behind.

“congrats on the protesting, by the way,” Tumblr stated as he rummaged through the cupboards. “Takes guts to cost a corpo that much money.”

"th-thanks." Reddit twiddled with his thumbs and hid his smile in his hoodie. "but, because of all that my house is… well it's a mess. it's falling apart, the lights aren't working, and the locks have all been changed so…"

Tumblr sighed, pulling a carton of some strong-smelling drink from the cupboard and pouring two cups. "What is it with everyone coming to me when faced with homelessness? I'm honoured, maybe?"

"I mean- I don't think Spez will keep this shit up I just need a place to crash until… if you have the space, I mean."

Tumblr pushed the drink into Reddits hands, just listening for now as he leaned against the counter and downed his own drink in seconds.

Reddit took a single sip before immediately deciding never to do that again. "bluh… anyway, i, uh…" Reddit spoke quickly, as if that would make the next sentence any less embarrassing. "I enjoy a lot of your content and made quite a few snoos after you so I should be able to acclimate-"

"ah, stop you flatter me," Tumblr made a show of fanning his cheeks dramatically, playful grin making Reddit feel all sorts of pale things he was desperately trying to ignore. "multiple? I knew about r/Tumblr but… oh, I guess there's r/CuratedTumblr and r/196, practically. and... r/TumblrCringe."

Reddit had no excuses for that.

"but I know a lot of my bigger users carry fame across your platforms as well so clearly you've got good taste." Tumblr hummed thoughtfully. "I'll think about it. where are you staying right now?"

well, a few minutes ago he was staying outside of Tumblrs door. and before he walked over he was living on his own porch leaning against the locked door. but mostly he was living nowhere and bouncing around to distract himself from the fact that he was living nowhere.

"oh," was Tumblrs subdued response to Reddits silence. "how long do you think you'll…?"

"48 hours, hopefully."

"well… that's not long at all. I got a couch you can sleep on until then and… you're a hell of a lot more respectful than Twitter was…" he patted Reddit on the arm with a smile. "let me show you around."

Reddit let out a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding before following Tumblr further inside the house. "thanks."

"not a problem! stay as long as you need."

[thegreathomestuckreread]

been spinning my wheels again about whether or not i'm autistic

it would explain. so many things. and i feel like a lot of my experiences make so much more sense with that lens of processing the world applied to it

like at this point i've got over a decade of scattered research and reading trying to figure this shit out, including results from a smattering of self-report assessments where almost all of them place me in the autistic scoring range

but more recently all that's brought me to like. the emotional intensity of the autistic experience seems like a pretty crucial piece of the picture and i don't think i really meet that?? things like, i'm a highly empathetic person, but i don't think it's autistic high empathy, not debilitating like my high school friend who once started crying because i was describing an animal video to them. i have a hard time crying actually, it's something i do very infrequently. that's just one more specific example but just like in general, from what i can see the burning overwhelming intensity of emotion is kind of a really big part of the autistic experience, and i don't think i'm there, or at least not there with enough regularity for it to be like A Thing

and like i don't think i've ever had an experience that would fit the description of an autistic meltdown, or an autistic shutdown. i mean, maybe some of my experiences could fit into descriptions of a shutdown, but idk if the same intensity is there, and even if it is the frequency seems way too, well, infrequent to qualify. anything that might fit the description of a meltdown i think would be much better described as just a plain ol' emotional breakdown. and along the same lines i don't think i've ever experienced what would be called sensory overload

like even as a child i don't think the slipper fits on this stuff, i was perhaps a bit more emotionally intense than my peers but not like my autistic childhood best friend was, i didn't even really have tantrums that could have been mislabelled meltdowns

but there's so much other stuff that just makes so much sense. [i had a whole huge paragraph here but i've cut it and put it under the readmore at the bottom to cut length]

there's more. it's a lot. i've been adding things to this paragraph for at least 20 minutes now, maybe closer to 30. like there's a very good reason that i am still on this research thread after so many years. i just can't shake that i could be reading it all wrong

like all of the stuff i talk about causing me stress or whatever, i'm getting the sense that it's not with the same intensity as the autistic experience of that stress. like it really stresses me out yeah, but like. not enough maybe??????????? and that's kind of the thing with most of these traits i guess, i'm questioning whether i actually experience them with enough frequency and intensity that they would fall under autistic experiences

and like, i'm not going to seek professional assessment, because even with a diagnosis i don't know what that would do for me as an adult. the accommodations i got in school for my chronic illness covered any time i needed accommodations for brain reasons while i was in school, not like i plan on going back. and idk what i could even ask from a professional working environment

and at the end of the day if i'm not even seeking that what does it matter???? like can i not just exist as i am and keep using the tools that help me regardless of whether or not i may qualify as Diagnosably Autistic? i guess it all comes down to like, i don't want to water down what autism means by calling myself autistic if that's not really it. it would just be really nice to know why these things are hard and know there's a community of people who understand that. it just feels like if that's not it then what have i been doing wrong? if that's not it what am i doing wrong?? bluh

the childhood bullying and being confused as to why people didn't like me, the intense social anxiety in high school, struggling to start and end conversations that don't serve a logistical purpose, difficulty maintaining or initiating small-talk, how fucking hard it is to maintain friendships especially over time and distance, forgetting to fucking talk to people lol, literally all of the close friendships i've ever had being with people who are autistic or adhd or both, all of those people looping me in as neurodivergent without me even saying anything about it, my ex who said that when they were confused and frustrated trying to figure out what the fuck my deal was and complaining to their mom the two of them would use autism as a lens to talk out what the fuck my deal was and it was genuinely very helpful lmaooooo, my general inclination towards just telling the truth and how stressed i get about lying and dishonesty, the 'picky eating', the chewing the shit out of my lip, constant fiddling with my clothes and jewellery, being a 'high-energy child' (my mother's words) aka hyper bouncing off the walls, the specific noises that made me cover my ears and run away as a child (ripping up the bathmat and the sound of the vhs rewinder going really fast), the amount of stress i feel in unpredictable situations or when plans change unexpectedly or when i'm not prepared for a situation, how untethered i feel without some semblance of routine, the empty state of my brain when plans change and i don't know what to do with myself lol, how stressed the thought of not being in control of myself or being in an uncontrollable environment makes me, my systematizing and sorting and categorizing and organizing, when i learned what even numbers were as a child and immediately thought "those are my favourite numbers because they can be divided neatly", how i often speak in fractions and percentages, my attention to detail and noticing small details others don't (and sometimes having to pretend i don't notice things so i don't come across as 'nitpicking' or 'creepy'), researching and researching and researching for the smallest decisions, being overwhelmed with excessive options and just shutting down and not doing anything, general excessive indecisiveness, my god the fucking 'procrastination' on school assignments and communications and fun things that i would like to be doing, my 'literal' reading of school assignment outlines and surprise at seeing how classmates could twist the assignment and still do very well, my multi-year intense interests such as the sims 3 and homestuck and animal crossing, the fact that even when i play the sims i forget to make my sims talk to people until i realise their social meter is really low lol, how i lost so many things as a child, how if i don't have a written prioritized to-do list i tend to just faff about aimlessly and forget everything that i need to do and/or not get most or all of it done, the genetic factor of it running in both sides of my family

[pesterloglog]

John Egbert, Roxy Lalonde

Act 6, page 6989-6990

JOHN: poor rose.

JOHN: she was always too brave for her own good.

JOHN: this is exactly what happened last time.

ROXY: last time?

JOHN: um.

JOHN: it was years ago.

JOHN: when jack killed our parents.

JOHN: and we tried to fight him but we weren't strong enough to face him yet.

JOHN: so he killed her.

JOHN: but at least that time...

JOHN: i could bring her back to life.

ROXY: how

JOHN: uh...

JOHN: just, like...

JOHN: using a certain method.

JOHN: that is not an option anymore.

ROXY: ...

JOHN: that's the weird thing about this for me.

JOHN: i'm sitting here, looking at my dead friend.

JOHN: and it's really sad.

JOHN: but at the same time...

JOHN: all of this has already happened before.

JOHN: the death and tragedy and stuff.

JOHN: getting painted into the corner of yet another unwinnable situation.

JOHN: it keeps happening.

JOHN: and i don't know how to stop it!

ROXY: yeah

ROXY: me neither

JOHN: but we can't give up, right?

JOHN: i mean, we've all been in worse situations and gotten out of those, right?

ROXY: er

ROXY: have we rly

JOHN: well...

JOHN: hm.

JOHN: no, i guess we haven't.

JOHN: i guess this like, may be quite literally the worst thing that's ever happened??

JOHN: i mean, not to put too fine a point on ranking shitty things.

JOHN: but this is about as unbelievably shitty as it gets.

JOHN: i keep thinking about what i could have done to...

JOHN: or what i STILL could do if only i...

JOHN: if somehow i could learn to control this...

JOHN: or like, even better understand this...

JOHN: this stupid, zappy, retconny...

JOHN: WHATEVER IT IS.

JOHN: bluh.

ROXY: john yo

ROXY: chill

JOHN: chill?

ROXY: yes

ROXY: maybe we should try to like

ROXY: not worry about shit so much anymore

JOHN: why not?

JOHN: there are so many problems!

ROXY: i know

ROXY: i know all about the problems

ROXY: and we are both way brave and all

ROXY: im sure between us we proved that hella many times already

ROXY: but man

ROXY: i never wanted anything more than to meet my mom

ROXY: to meet rose i mean

ROXY: and to just

ROXY: be with her and talk

ROXY: and try to understand this bond i felt like we always had without ever knowin each other

ROXY: i kept getting so close

ROXY: dreamin about her...

ROXY: wakin up too soon...

ROXY: and finally

ROXY: the last time i woke up

ROXY: was just in time to see her die

ROXY: its like

ROXY: the witch was holding out just long enough for the dream to feel like a real possibility

ROXY: before taking it away

ROXY: then u take that ultrasad thing

ROXY: and pile on all the other brutal manure raining down on this epic shit charade

ROXY: and ive got to say john

ROXY: this is starting to feel an awful lot like the end

JOHN: the end?

ROXY: yeah

ROXY: whatever the end of the road feels like

ROXY: has gotta feel like this

ROXY: maybe we should just

ROXY: admit to ourselves this is probably what its like when you find yourself in a timeline where everything went wrong

ROXY: and you know it means youre doomed

ROXY: and the only thing left to do is face the fact you have to ride it out into nothingness

ROXY: stop worryin so much

ROXY: and try to let it go

JOHN: you mean, like.

JOHN: ...

JOHN: what do you mean?

ROXY: i mean

ROXY: accept that we lost

ROXY: admit that the people we wanted to be with

ROXY: the life we always wanted

ROXY: it was never gonna happen

ROXY: except maybe in the afterlife

ROXY: our friends are there

ROXY: callies there

ROXY: my mom is there

ROXY: why shouldnt we be there too

ROXY: why not just

ROXY: let the doomed timeline work its gloomy majyyks

ROXY: and slip away into nothing with the rest of this mess

JOHN: ...

[plantpest]

Reading comprehension? What about basic writing abilities for yourself first before you write your (inadequate) musings on some tumblr drama you think you feel radical enough to join on like pack wolf or even just some sprinkling of basic human decency. Are you too scared to post your anons because you are getting called out for your previous negligent rallying comments on how to harass someone online properly or what?

What about basic writing abilities for yourself

1. english is not my first language 2. if something is unclear there's several niftly ways to ask for clarity (i'm thinking the ask box, private messaging, the comment field and the reblog+add comment function). i understand this can be too hard for some people to comprehend, but i'm sure you'll learn one day

What about basic writing abilities for yourself first before you write your (inadequate) musings on some tumblr drama you think you feel radical enough to join on like pack wolf or even just some sprinkling of basic human decencyasic human decency.

ever heard of basic writing abilities? sentence structuring, maybe a comma here and there..?

to your point (i think): yah i feel radical enough to name and shame people who don't feel that, as an example, trans women has the right to be treated like women or have the right to get their basic humans needs filled, such as housing, not being harassed, not getting their murderers getting away with "trans panic" defences...

i have and will continue to namedrop people whose opinions are, in my opinion, dangerous. it's my blog lmao, i do whatever the fuck i want. before now, only one person decided to be fussy about it but it never derailed. in the case with kate i tried to be very clear about what i felt was adequate evidence for my stance, while being understanding to her situation beside this. i also tried to reach out to her privately but she decided to be a fucking ass about it, which made me lose p much all patience with her

Are you too scared to post your anons because you are getting called out for your previous negligent rallying comments on how to harass someone online properly or what?

i mean, most anons are "bleh bluh u a meanie" so i don't really feel like posting them. i guess i could, but why on earth would i. i try to address those who actually seem to have some kind of substance to them beside being insults. this blog is a plant specific side blog on which i blog about my plants as well as reblogging things related to plants, be it pretty pictures, art or plant care. do you really think my followers want to see a bunch of anons slinging insults at me? do you really think that i want to fill my blog with that shit? so far NO anon has actually have any real substance to them! not you, no anyone else. i'm kind of fucking begging y'all to give me proof i'm baselessly harassing people, but i'm getting nothing because no one has anything. WHERE have i rallied anyone to harass anyone else? because i can only find things where i try to do the opposite

can people stop sending shit now please? i really don't want to turn anon off for several reasons, but if you only come here to insult me i will. we can have an adult conversation about whatever issues you might have, or we'll have none at all

[aplaceforsecrets]

Fun fact that I'm sure no one will care about: I also write fanfic!

Probably more appropriate to talk about this on my kink blog than my writing blog (@avulle), which like, probably has plenty of people following it who have no interest in my weird sex problems. (They probably followed me for my naruto power-fantasy fic, my crack femmeslash fics, or my sweet loving smut.)

It's like, theoretically a Triple Treble fic bluh bluh whatever you can read the summary, I'm posting this on my kink blog so I can spill my guts about the weird sex shit.

This fic was, in a very real sense, me reckoning with my kink. It's still comparatively tame for, like, most of the people who are gonna end up here, but this fic was I think the first time I really thought about what kink could look like for me, both as a domme and as a sub. I have a myriad of weird trauma around a lot of bdsm stuff (don't worry, it's not from anything like that), and this was the first time I tried to actually engage with bdsm without ignoring those problems, or shoving it down and pretending it didn't exist long enough for me to orgasm.

In my fics, I am every character. They're all different fragments of myself, so in this fic, so—

With Aubrey (in her relationship with Chloe), I was very much asking myself "what could I do as a sub?" Despite my trauma, are there aspects of this kind of play that I could enjoy? (If you do read it, don't worry, I don't have *quite* as many problems as she does.)

With Chloe (in her relationship with Aubrey), I was asking myself like, "what kind of domme would I want to be?" How would I want to be treated, how would I want to treat a potential sub? Chloe is comparatively vanilla because her sub is me (and I have so many Problems), but also the things she likes doing are the things I like doing, but also the way she sees herself (“You know that I like hurting you, because I’m kind of a bitch—”) and the way she likes to be touched or not touched.

Beca, of course, is all the most traumatized parts of myself. (Spoilers for stuff that isn't even part of the fic yet, but): Beca has the vampire-superpower to command anyone to do anything she wants. She is a walking threat to the sanctity of the minds of literally everyone around her, and she hates it. To compound that, she is a vampire in a relationship with a human—who she can effortlessly overpower in every way. She is one of the seven vampires left who still have bloodlust, and unlike most of the other seven, she Very Much Feels It. Beca is about having power you don't want, feeling like you have a monster inside of you that you can never let out, that you have to be ten times more gentle and kind at all times to keep it at bay, to stop everyone from being terrified of you. For the longest time, I viewed my kink as this monster inside of me that wanted to hurt the people around me—especially the people I cared the most about—always itching to get out, and at its closest to the surface when I was aroused. (A battle I felt I was losing every time I gave in and watched BDSM pornography.) Like, she's me times a gajillion, and also I'm more at peace with myself than I was when I wrote this fic, but she's still definitely a fragment of myself.

Anyways.

Yeah.

You should read it. I do think it's good. It wins the award for the first sex scene I wrote that actively aroused me, which was an experience. I felt like I was out of my mind for like three hours straight as I wrote it. (It's the one in chapter five.) I wonder if that's the way most people feel when they write smut all the time? (Sorry, off topic.)

[xxjunesroomxx]

i also feel so shitty bc im so like spiteful (internally) to these online people and i get so easily annoyed by others and it sucks this is a shitty attitude i have bc i feel shit and i want acknowledging it to make it solved and go away but it doesnt work like that

also feel shit just mindlessly fuckin scrolling social media not feeling a damn thing reblogging whatever the fuck just cuz i go eh sure i'll reblog that i guess. bluh

[mintglacier]

Finally finished my first playthrough

Thoughts below

Spoilers ahoy

WOW what a great game like holy fuck. The amount of content and things to do is insane and it's all incredible?? I thoroughly enjoyed every second of it.

Now for the spoilery bits

I didn't go too in depth with a few companion quests and straight out skipped shadowheart's (as in I didn't even put her in my party OR camp) so I think that didn't help with my somewhat lackluster feelings on what happens in act 3. I didn't finish or do astarion's or gale's either, whatever tho

I feel like Orin and gortash were way too easy?? To fight. Like I dunno it wasn't so difficult and I thought it was such a meh fight so when I defeated them there wasn't much feeling of accomplishment.

I HATED that the choice I went with to turn karlach into a mindflayer is basically her good ending, and I get why they made that decision but it just SUCKS there wasn't any other way to save her unless we wanted her to go back to avernus.

I loved freeing Orpheus for laezel's quest but I feel like there could have been a bit more to it when she leaves with him to free her people? I would have loved more intimate dialogue with her or have the option to hug her or her say something to you because she looks so sad as she gets on her dragon ;w;

Wyll's resolution I loved. Literally no complaints to his story or how it ends. He got his closure and reconciled with his father and now will work to rebuild baldurs gate!

And look I love halsin to death but he is such a flat character. I enjoy having him with me but he really doesn't have much to him.

Oh I don't like how u don't really see what happens to ur allies after the fight or what people have to say? When you save the world. It seems like an oversight imo cuz I'd have loved to talk to those u recruit in helping u with the final boss. And I only say it's an oversight because of how meticulous the rest of the game is.

I dunno. Act 3 just didn't hit like act 1 or 2? It feels lackluster. Again, I didn't do EVERYTHING there was to do which ofc is impossible on a first playthrough but somehow...it just didn't feel climactic or rewarding for all the effort you put into killing the netherbrain.

Act 2 by far was the best part, and ketheric thorm was beyond a much more challenging fight with 2 phases to him.

Raphael's fight was good. Challenging but really good and worth the headache.

I think my biggest disappointment is certainly karlach's character tho. It's real sad how dirty they did her and I see why so many people don't like it. Next time I won't turn her into a mindflayer or free Orpheus so we'll see what happens.

Speaking of disappointments tho, the whole thing with the emperor was so BLUH. maybe I just didn't explore enough or learn more about him but the way he immediately goes against you when you free orpheus is so stupid. And orpheus didn't even stop blocking out the absolute's influence when you freed him so the emperor was full of shit. I know it's something about dnd lore where mindflayers are simply evil so it makes sense but gosh damn it why lol

Overall however the game is fan fucking tastic. I'm gonna try and recruit everyone on the next playthrough and take my time in certain areas, especially in act 3 and ofc make different choices.

[barbaracleboy]

Bluh...Y'know what? Three strikes, I think I'm done with Tumblr Tournaments. First I joined one (submitting a Character and paying attention to what was going on) and I thought it would be enjoyable, but then there was some bullshit right at the beginning that soured the whole thing for me.

Then there was one that I didn't even choose to join for fear of drama, and while there was next-to-no drama (to my knowledge) there was a Character I disliked getting shoved down my throat often. And then said Character I disliked won so :/

And now I tried again at having fun with one, and due to bad luck and I suppose bad choices on my part all but one of the Characters I submitted were dropped in the Qualifying Polls, and the one that did make it was put into what I genuinely believe was the most unfair position it could possibly have been in. Seriously, I'm not sure how the luck could have been worse there. And I know it was luck, I won't get mad at anyone over it (especially because the tournament host is a nice person), but damn, my fucking luck fucking sucks. And with how the actual polls are set up I feel little-to-no-reason to actual care about the polls, not just because I don't care about most of the Characters taking part but because most of the most popular Characters are on the right side, and based off the kinds of people submitting to the tournament I know at least one of those Characters are gonna have obnoxious campaigns led by assholes that're proud of being assholes pulling randos from wherever they can to add to votes. That's all assuming that one of the Characters involved doesn't win another tournament, with the same theme to boot.

I'm just so tired. I'm not even getting into how there's apparently been other kinds of drama with other tournaments that I haven't really kept up with, but even ignoring drama I'm just so sick of the tournaments in general. It feels like every other day there are two or three more tournaments and they keep making more and more arbitrary categories like "Best Blue-Haired Character!", "Best Character with a Stutter!", "Best Little Brother!" And, I mean, people are allowed to do what they want but I'm also allowed do dislike what I want and I just don't get how people can get invested in one Tournament, let alone the half a dozen I see when I'm just browsing peoples' blogs.

Tournaments just suck, honestly. At best it's praying that a Character you like has a big enough fanbase and/or isn't put up against someone from one of the most fucking popular indie games in the world. At worst you're dealing with people that are extremely annoying about the Character they like because that shit seems to be encouraged in this situation. The most annoying person I know keeps getting wins with their Characters so whatever.

I'm just gonna mute any Tournament Tags I see from here on out and just try to ignore that side. It'll suck ass when people don't actually make unique tags for their Tournament posts (I know of at least one like that right now) but it's the best I can think of.

...I'm gonna bury this. I was already pretty frustrated lately so that may or may not be making me more upset about this shit than I otherwise would be but whatever.

[honeyrisuke]

ok no turns out what im mad about and posted about earlier wasnt a big deep "modern media bad bluh" thing, im just. not feeling so hot rn

very long boring ramble below

I've struggled with my art ever since I started to put it online

like, I'd always refresh and check if someone saw it and then get all exciting when someone did see it and like it and so on but not even once have I had some art I did actually,,, do anything for me. it was never _worth it_ if that makes sense.

I'd sit there for hours upon hours and then post it in hopes someone else enjoys it and seemingly nobody ever does. I can spend days on a drawing and it barely even reaches my friends, and in old media at least I still had one or the other random

even right now on Furaffinity, which also isnt algorythmically sorted, I occationally get people who just like all of my stuff in a quite sincere way, or comment on my art in a genuine way- and that's why I've recently enjoyed drawing furry fetish art a lot more than anything else, even when I didn't wanna draw furries that day.

but on shit like instagram or twitter or even on here I've. I rarely even get one interaction?? on my art?? I've never gotten a comment. I've never had someone share my art on twitter or instagram because they liked it

and when I did get faves or comments it was always either an IRL friend of mine who'd like a selfie of me taking a shit bc they don't care, as long as I posted it, or someone I don't know who just wants to promote their own account

I've blocked people in the past who left a nice comment on instagram, and when i replied to thank them they immediately went for "would you mind checking out my page"

bc yea i do mind shut tf up

its. fundamentally uncomfortable to be in those positions. I don't wanna go around using other people as stepping stones to get anywhere. I don't wanna go around and put up this big professional influencer facade just so I can draw my lame fucking characters and have maybe 10 people like it

and no, I'm not talking huge numbers and wanting fame or whatever, just. something. anything.

I've grown to really really hate art communities, and that means whenever I sit down and want to draw I have to first fight a big "but what for?"

and most of the time recently? I lose that fight. I can't think of a "what for", and then I sit there for several hours slowly thinking myself into a rage instead of doing anything productive, because actually I'm also very upset about not drawing, but I can't think of a good reason to do it

and to anyone who says "just do it for yourself"- you know you're lying. I've never met an artist who said that shit to my face and didn't have at least one person they could share their art with

I'd just be out here sending it to random ass people knowing damn well I'm annoying.

art is worthless if it can't be shared with anyone. I really picked the worst fucking hobby as a child. I hate everything I do and I hate doing it

I was hoping to rekindle my muse with artfight but as for right now, it looks like I'm not even gonna get a single attack, and each time I sit down to draw I'm building my hope up again that "this time they will respond and draw something back to" just to sit here on the 31st with maybe one really crappy doodle made by someone who just wanted to get free art from me. and if I'm as stupid as I've been all these years, I'll even have given them that free piece of art.

I'm just. I don't know where to go from here and. not to be even more of a downer at the end of this, in case anyone actually did read it, but

I've. not felt so hot about being around anymore recently, and fundamentally feeling like I should stop doing at alltogether is a big part of that. I've always done art one way or another, and so far nobody has ever given a shit about it. I have genuinly no idea why I've done it for so long. but i feel like if i stop then I am doing absolutely nothing anymore. i wouldnt be expressing myself anymore, i wouldnt put anything out there anymore. id just be here locked inside of my head unable to communicate the things im passionate about because i KNOW im annoying, i KNOW im unbearable and overly aggressive and genuinly unlikeable, and i know nobody gives a shit about the stuff i like or enjoy. i already stopped being excited about things bc of that years ago and am now only defaulting to be pissed and to complain and to make fun of things

and i feel that if i fully stop drawing and making art its. kinda over. idk i dont wanna write it out but that'd be it.

[orcelito]

Ugghhhhhh I really am gonna be closing on both Friday and Saturday night this weekend huh?

Curse my kind fucking heart

[ressyfaerie]

Fic suggestion; 2/3 years post canon where they're in their respective colleges/universities. Kai happens to be passing through & finds out that Tyson is struggling to fit in due to relentless bullying. Kai decides to confront the bully(es). Afterwards Tyson wonders what made Kai be so protective & out slips an accidental because I love you? hehehe

This sounds CUTE! And Also reminds me of when I wrote something similar in my long slow burn fic (its a bit of a long story)... but this sounds SUPER FUN. Big fan, here we gooo

“So I hear the world champion still can’t integrate into society?”

“Shut up, Kai.”

The phone connection crackled as Tyson put Kai on speakerphone.

“Where are you right now?”

“Walking in the park to get back to the dojo, how about you?”

“Studying back at my apartment, is it dark? Be careful.”

“I know how to walk, Kai. It’s not that dark, there's lots of streetlamps. So why are you phoning me?”

“I need a reason to phone my best friend?”

“You always have a reason.”

“Alright, you caught me.”

“I knew it, you know you’re not that sneaky, Kai.”

“Whatever. Ray told me you were having troubles at school—”

“I’m fine, Kai.”

“Is it studying? I can help again—”

“No it’s not that, everything’s fine, okay? Can you drop it?”

“It doesn’t sound like everything’s fine.”

He heard Tyson sigh on the other end of the line.

“Bye, Kai.”

*beep*

“Tyson? Tyson!?”

Kai threw the phone down on his open textbook.

That bastard hung up on me!?

Kai had just finished texting Ray about Tyson’s troubles at school. This time it wasn’t the studying, girl or boy problems, friend problems, family problems… The list of Tyson’s issues that Kai was forced to deal with since he started university was overwhelming. Not that he was forced to deal with them… They kept getting shuffled down until Kai was the closest person to deal with it. Tyson didn’t accept help easily, but Kai could tell when he needed it.

Kai found he was worried about Tyson constantly.

And he had every reason to be.

Kai attended a prestigious university, while Tyson decided to enroll in one closer to the dojo. Kai got used to university life fast, Tyson lagged behind. Tyson was hit with a brick wall. University wasn’t highschool, or a tournament, it wasn’t traveling the world. It was a whole other realm that really didn’t suit Tyson at all. Kai watched from afar as Tyson struggled through the everyday, he made friends easily but everything else was ten times harder.

And now, it seemed that Tyson had yet another problem he wasn’t sharing.

The tip of Kai’s mechanical pencil broke.

He decided he’d go to Tyson’s school tomorrow to check up on him.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

Kai mimicked Tyson’s anger.

“Checking up on you.”

Kai leaned on the hood of his Mercedes, wearing casual clothes and a hand in his pocket.

“If you show up looking like that talking to me like this, people are going to think you're my boyfriend.”

Kai laughed, “what’s wrong with that?”

Tyson stuttered but didn’t manage to answer.

“What’s wrong?”

Kai’s words cut through the world, forcing it to stop moving and stay stationary for just a moment.

“Nothing is wrong.” Tyson turned on his heel, but Kai was too fast.

He grasped his arm pulling him back.

“Kai, what the hell!?”

Tyson angrily twirled backwards, trying to push him off.

“What’s wrong with your face?” Kai felt his heart rise in his chest when he saw the purple bruise on his cheek.

“Hurt it doing kendo, can you stop? Get off me!”

With force Kai pulled Tyson into him, observing his face.

“Stop looking at me!” Tyson used both his arms to push him away.

Kai had slipped off the curb he was on and fell into his car, leaving a small dent near the hood.

Tyson’s face read pure panic, “I’m sorry! I never meant to push you that hard!”

“Well you did.” Kai rubbed his forehead with his forearm, “clearly something is going on, you wanna share with the class?” A dangerous scowl grew on Kai’s face.

“I’ll tell you, but I don’t want your help okay?”

Kai nodded.

“Some guy has been picking on me—we got in a fight, but it's under control.”

Tyson sent him a broken smile and Kai felt a burning rage in his chest.

“What’s this guy’s name?” Kai wore the same scowl from before.

“You don’t need to know, because I don’t need your help.” Tyson stated matter-of-factly.

“Did you at least beat the shit out of him?”

Tyson bit his lip while looking in the opposite direction.

“Don’t you know a shit ton of martial arts? You’re telling me you didn’t kick his ass?”

Kai kept his voice from rising, but it was shaking. The rage was hard to keep under control the more he imagined someone hurting Tyson.

“There… might have been more than one guy.” Tyson trailed off.

“They ganged up on you?” Kai’s mind was now filled with a murderous rage, “why?”

“Dunno, jealous maybe? World champion, bluh bluh bluh…” Tyson yawned “well, time to get back home, huh?”

Kai locked his eye’s on Tyson’s.

“Call me if they try anything.”

“They won’t. I’m sure it was a one time thing. Plus I was stronger than they thought I’d be…”

“I don’t care.” Kai’s voice was serious. “Call me.”

Days later Tyson wasn’t returning Kai’s calls. He texted him asking why he wasn’t answering, he got simple short messages, busy or sorry can’t talk right now. It pissed Kai off. He hoped their interaction hadn’t damaged their friendship. He valued any relationship with Tyson, any excuse to be close to him really. He really hoped he hadn’t screwed this up.

Almost two weeks later Kai was at his desk studying. His regular nightly routine. His phone buzzed, a phone call.

From Tyson?

He dropped his pencil and reached for his phone so fast he became worried how obsessed he was with this boy.

He dropped the phone.

No doubt it was Tyson missing him, apologizing and begging to talk to Kai again.

Wouldn’t be the first time.

Maybe I should give it a few minutes.

He put the phone on silent. And left it by his side for less than a minute. When he looked back he had a text as well. He rolled his eyes.

1 missed call.

2 texts.

He opened the text box.

Park.

Help.

Before Kai could process what was happening he was in his car speeding down the highway.

He almost sped past the park, slamming on the breaks he just managed to make out a dark group of boys huddled away from the streetlamps by a tree. He had no time to observe, only to assume.

He accelerated, jumping the curb into the grass and tearing up dirt.

He kicked open his car door and slammed it closed.

“Where is Tyson?” He said in the boy's direction.

A member of the group broke away, advancing on Kai, he mumbled something about ‘minding your business’ before launching a fist towards Kai’s face.

He expertly dodged with an instinct he forgot he had.

He grabbed the boy’s fist in midair and landed his elbow in the boy’s forearm sending him crumbling to the ground screaming.

Two more from the group branched off towards Kai.

Kai clenched his teeth. It had been years since he actually fought, he forgot how it felt. One of the boys tried to punch him identical to how the last one tried. Kai bent his knees landing a punch to the boy's gut, knocking the air out of him. Now he could focus on the other one, who was trying to land a kick by his ear.

Kai fell on his back, feeling the air brush past his face, the boy now had the advantage, but kai was fast. Using his knees and all the momentum he had he launched himself off the ground to his feet.

“The fuc!?—”

The boy didn’t have the time to finish his sentence before Kai jabbed the edge of his palm into his throat.

Kai turned around directing his attention to the center of the group, one boy standing over a black mass.

Kai cracked his knuckles, “if that’s Tyson, you understand I will kill you?”

The boy wore a devious smirk. Kai shook his head.

The black mass on the ground managed to mumble, “Kai…”

That was Tyson’s voice.

Kai slowly blinked. His face showed only pure white anger.

“I’ll kill you.”

The boy held his ground as Kai threw his body full force towards him. He was bigger than Kai, he blocked his first hit, throwing Kai back.

This guy is a tank… I have to be careful.

I need to finish this fast. I need to help Tyson.

Kai fixed his stance, grounding himself expertely. The boy grabbed for his shirt, he used both his palms to push him away. The boy kept trying again and again, Kai finally attempted to land a punch, but this guy was strong. He pushed Kai’s fist away and grasped the collar of his shirt, then threw him to the ground.

Kai felt the ground quake under him as he lost the ability to breathe.

The boy punched him, and then again.

He felt no pain, only fear for what had happened to Tyson before this. The world around him flung side to side, then suddenly, the boy stopped.

WACK.

Above him the boy was motionless, and fell to the side near Kai limply.

Tyson took the boy’s place. He was holding a heavy stick. He dropped it on the ground.

They were both covered in blood and bruises.

“I told you I'd be just fine.” Tyson grinned.

Kai tried to laugh but still didn’t have his breath back. He managed to groan, then inhale sharply.

“Why didn’t you call somebody to come help? Is your car okay?”

“Because…” Kai managed to moan weakly.

“Cause?” Tyson asked in a hoarse voice.

“I love you.”

Kai held his side, unaware of the words he whispered to the dark.

Tyson held his hand out to his best friend.

“Come on sourpuss, let's get to a hospital.”

[wakraya]

don't know what was up with the art, my guess is a somewhat less experienced member of the art team did this update, but the fact that people are shitting on it so hard? like, the art has charm even if it might not have the same xamag level polish, and the fact that people are calling it a "punishment" by the HS^2 team? Thats shitty, because its not the clever jab at the team that they think it is, its only insulting the effort of a few, or even 1 artist who worked on the update.

Yeah! I honestly feel really bad for whoever did the art because, it’s not horrible like many are making it out to be! And particularly the people using it to scream like how the Team is bad or whatever, people are sooooo quick to jump at the throats of people, throw insults and laugh at their faces.

Also I am not even sure if Xamag is the artist for many of the prior updates! I know she’s not the Art Director since a long while ago, so I can’t quite tell whether she hasn’t contributed since, or she has and is just not directing, but like, there has been a variety of artists and styles, and while this was less refined, it wasn’t the worst thing ever by a LONG shot. @.@ That said, it’s kinda fun seeing the redraws of the panels pop up.

Honestly it’s kinda sad? Because like, this was probably the worst update. It wasn’t bad, I am not saying it was bad. It was funny, and fluffy, and silly, but it was just Roxy and Dave talking, the art was less refined than prior updates, there wasn’t much, it was just a mindless little respite after the Candy Stuff. So I do think it was the ‘worst’ in those terms. It was just silly fun. And as such, you can absolutely come up with constructive criticism! About pacing, about art stuff... But ignoring the larger context of Hiveswap coming out, and the large amount of people just being mean, overdramatic, going too far, make it hard to like, actually criticise, because you end up fearing you will sound like the people going too far, so it’s just. A mess that helps nobody.

I personally really liked the different artstyle of this update, if they made more panels like that i won't mind.

And of course across the people that seemingly ABHOR the update, bluh bluh huge entitled britches, there’s people like this other anon! I’ve seen people seriously cracking up at the interactions and calling Dave an icon! I’ve seen already three or four discord users with Jade or Dave from this update as icons. I’ve seen people skeptical of HS^2 do a heel-turn on this one and really just, enjoy the fun of this update. I’ve been enough out there in the sea of really liking an update a lot of people didn’t, and it’s not the best, to say the least.

It’s almost 6 AM, I wanted to wait for a video to render but, fuck it, I’m just going to leave my PC on and let it finish overnight. Hiveswap Act 2 was wonderful and I had a blast playing it and I’ve got a bunch of fun theories and ideas. This upd8 was a good, silly respite after a really tense and busy month between the Elections, the release, that I personally really appreciated. I’m just so tired, at this point, y’all. I’m tired of having a list of filtered names on XKit that I NEVER see pop-up when things are good and fun, but that always, without fail, pop in to throw shit in the tag the instant they get the chance. I’m tired of getting hate in my Inbox every day because I DARE like that Jade is horny in post-canon and just chillin’ in this last update. I’m tired of seeing people like me who are working in good will even if they fuck up at times, on the stuff I love, having what would be my dream job, get kicked down by the so-called fans to the point they’re afraid of putting their names out there.

I’m gonna go sleep now so see y’all tomorrow.

[nimmy22]

A Mistake: Chapter 4

Cara missed her first two classes, having been knocked out into the late morning hours, courtesy of her dad. No parents were rushing to wake her up, no breakfast waiting for her, no offer for a ride to school. She woke up with a gash on her head, an abdomen that was an artwork of black and blue. The cause of it all was a dealer who had no stock to sell. His suppliers suddenly cut all contact leaving her parents without their fix.

Last night her dad came home seconds from exploding. He almost broke down the door as he struggled to open it in his drunken stupor, nose flaring and teeth grinding into dust even before his eyes locked on her. While these beatings were nothing new to Cara, she will admit that his hand was extra heavy yesterday, evidenced by the deeper shades on her skin. Her mother didn't even have to add anything into the mix, satisfied by her husband's handiwork.

Cara just couldn't wait to leave, but money was a dilemma. She tried her best to get the odd job here and there, whatever she could find, really. Things were even more difficult since her parent recently took to stealing her hard-earned money, ransacking her bedroom for anything worth selling. Not even the mattress stuffing or the soles of her shoes were a safe place.

Adding to her troubles was the potential loss of a job. She could no longer babysit Sherry and hasn't been contacted by the Birkins. Still, perhaps it wasn't such a bad thing. After all, these people were beyond dangerous, and she would do just about anything to never meet that man again. It still broke her heart to be cut away from such a sweet little girl, the separation was sudden, and god knows how hard that must've hit Sherry, losing one of the few people she trusted.

As expected, both her parents were gone. They were likely fishing for another dealer, and if they did not find what they were looking for, she knew what will be waiting for her tonight. It was better to stay away from home for now, and it didn't matter where.

While the other bruises were easier to hide, the limp in her walk was too obvious. She had just finished formulating a story by the time she made it to her third class, auto-mechanics. Usually, people ate up her stories without a problem, curbing their questions as their concern lacked genuinely. The real issue was Claire. She'll spit the story right out without even tasting it.

Claire was already waiting in their usual spot. Despite the pain, Cara tried her best to be as subtle as possible but attempting the once flawless movement of her legs took a considerable amount of control.

"Hey, you," Claire cracked a smile as soon as she spotted her friend. "Missed you at lunch. Actually, missed you for like half the day. Where've you been off to? Could've invited me too."

" Stayed up too long watching reruns and then ended up sleeping in. I scared my mom this morning when I came out of my room. She thought I was a burglar." Cara giggled over her lies, struggling to fight the grimace as she took a seat. Thankfully, Claire didn't seem to notice, leaning back in her chair to put up her red hair into a high ponytail. Care relaxed inwardly, feeling safe from the questions.... for now.

Half an hour later, Claire slid beneath the car donated to the school while Cara sat next to her on the floor leaning against the door. Cara was glad. This way, she could finally slouch over and breathe, gladly keeping the weight off her bad leg. The radio played a series of pointless advertisements adding nothing valuable to the background noise. Mr. Crawford liked the radio host, but Cara thought he simply lived to promote Michael Warren or was paid handsomely to do so. Sure, the mayor had done much for the city. Still, she found all this prosperity odd, especially under such a short period of time. Something smelled fishy.

"This shit can't be fixed," Claire grumbled, sliding out from below the hunk of metal, tossing the greasy gloves next to her on the floor. The car was so weathered the paint came off in large chips as she peeled whatever was left of it on the door.

"Something Claire Redfield can't fix? Well, that's a surprise." Cara giggled, raising an eyebrow.

"I can't fix what's not there. Half the parts are missing. The idiot who donated the car must've stolen it, took whatever was worth shit, and donated the rest to get rid of the evidence."

"Looks like you've been hanging around the station too long. What, are you going to start an investigation now?"

"If I wanted that bike upgrade, then I obviously need money, and you know I don't like asking my brother for money. But what I don't mind asking for is a job around the station. Pretty much everyone knows me by now. It's like a foot in the door. I'll just annoy them until it's official."

"Once they hire you as a janitor, don't forget about me. Then we can break into the records room where they keep all those juicy storybooks."

"Okay, that's a fun idea. But here's another idea! How about we not get my brother fired along with us. Plus, you forget where we live. Nothing major happens around here."

"That's where you're wrong," Cara whispered before mentally slapping herself. She tensed, begging higher entities that Claire heard nothing.

"What do you mean?" Claire perked up, reminding her of a puppy who heard the sound of the treat bag opening.

"Oh, nothing," Cara tried to play it off, not want her friend to dig deeper. If there was one thing she learned last Friday, it was to keep her mouth effectively shut. She was already screwing herself over and placing a friend in danger. Her pulse began racing with the prospect that she already said too much.

"Cara," Claire crawled towards her friend, a threat in he voice. "You heard something or...saw something? You can tell me, I'm your friend. Chris and I will always be there for you."

"I know. You remind me of that every day. It's not a big deal. I'm just worried about the level of stupidity in this town. I've heard about the three seniors who got caught breaking into Kendo's gun shop last night. He had them lined up on their knees with their hands behind their head by the time the cops came. The whole street watched them."

"Ugh, I've never seen someone do something as stupid in my life. Had to hear all about it from Chris. In fact, that's all he talked about last night and this morning. Don't get in the wrong crowds, bluh bluh. Guns are bad bluh bluh." As claire grumbled through her rant, Cara knew she had successfully steered the boat to safety.

"Well, it's nice to have a brother. I wouldn't mind a lecture or two."

"Oh honey, I can help with that," Claire cocked her head to the side with a gleam in her eyes.

"No, yours are excluded."

"Oh, ha ha, you'll be begging for it one day. Now be a good girl and be on the watch out. I'm taking a nap." Claire said, sliding back below the car before getting into a comfortable position. "Oh, and give me a foot massage while you're at it,"

"It'll cost you."

"Wait till I hear back about a job, and then we'll talk,"

They stayed like that, Claire breathing softly while Cara listened absentmindedly at the radio. Her thoughts were yet again plagued by the events of last Friday. It was suffocating having to mentally recover from something so scarring and no one around her knowing a thing. She had no one to talk to. The words of the host were starting to become much more appealing than her thoughts.

"Michael Warren did so much for Raccoon decades before he was mayor, but with him in power, we're doing so much better, growing faster than ever before. We all gotta thank him for that, you know? Everyone was skeptical about big pharma moving in, but he made a good partnership with them, and the jobs came raining down. Have you seen the homeless folk on the streets? No, cause they all got help, been offered good jobs, their lives are turned for the better. Y'all look at the jails. They are pretty much empty. Nobody needs to turn to stealing for a living when good-paying work is right in front of them." The host trailed on, with Cara barely listening to the shameless paid promotion. The supposed decrease in crime seems a bit far-fetched to Cara. Maybe the robbers, murders, fraudsters, and rapists just moved their activity to the next town over for whatever reason, much like her dad and his dealings? But if there were so many work opportunities, why couldn't someone come 'help' her parents? Uproot them out of the dark pit they dug?

"Hey, you coming?"

"What?" Cara snapped back to reality, realizing Claire was already on her feet, stretching her back.

"The assembly?"

"Oh...?" Cara frowned, forcing a straight face as she pulled her aching body up.

"I guess I can't blame you. You did miss half the day. Come on, I want to get a seat in the very back, makes for a speedy getaway." Claire was already out the door, staring back at her friend with her hands on her hips, impatiently tapping her foot.

"You go ahead and reserve me a seat. I just need to go to the washroom." Cara said, hoping to walk to the gym at a slower, less painful pace.

"Fine, but don't be too long," Claire said before jogging away.

Taking her sweet time, Cara turned a 5-minute walk to the gym into 10 minutes, but even then, that was still an exhausting mission. Soon she was seated next to Claire with the rest of the students as they waited for the presenter.

The gym was in a state of chaos. Everyone talked over the other. But this was not a surprising thing considering it was the last period of the day and the events of last night.

When Cara looked over the stage, she was surprised, seeing a banner with the Racoon police department STARS name on it. Great, it was another talk with the cops, most likely about drugs and whatnot.

"Hey, maybe your brother is here,"

"Chris? He would've told me,"

A throat clearing next to the speaker's podium failed to get the attention of the kids. It was followed by a very authoritative "Attention,"

Cara never experienced so much power put into a single word, but it was loaded, and it succeeded in forcing everyone to smack their lips shut.

For a few seconds, she was staring but unable to focus, her muscles tensed, ready to make a break for it. She held her breath, slid down her seat, covered her face with a curtain of hair, and for added measure, she put her head down. She hoped to stay hidden in the crowds of students.

It was Albert Wesker at the podium, hands resting on the edges. His eyes didn't have to scan the crowds for long, finding her easily. Her attempt to hid was adorable but in vain. He could track down men in another country given extraordinarily little info, and the foolish little thing thought she could hide in a measly crowd of 1200 hormone-riddled teens.

"I am Captain Albert Wesker of STARS, and five days ago, there had been an unfortunate, unfortunate accident. Maxwell Robford was barely five years older than many of you. Driving while drunk, he ended up wrapped around a tree and was incinerated along with his car. That road wasn't popular, and it would take days for someone to stumble across the wreck and give us a call. We could only recover a pile of ashes and bones to return to his family. Our hearts go to them. I'm here on behalf of STARS to urge you to stop drinking and driving because the next incident may not only result in us digging out your corpses but those of others. The morgue is no place for people so...young. That's all from me, and now my partner will add a few more words." Wesker stepped away from the podium, nodding as the other uniformed officer took over. The next speaker struggled to calm the students, who all at once started talking about the accident.

"That’s so terrible. I feel so bad for his family," Claire said, leaning her head back.

"Yeah..." Cara answered absentmindedly, unable to take away her eyes from the crooked officer. She was angry that he could come to her school and pretend to be an officer of the law concerned for the futures of the kids in the room. If anything, she could bet all the money she had that the kid died because of a foul. Maybe, Wesker himself arranged the scene before it was supposedly...discovered. Perhaps that poor kid saw something he shouldn't have and paid the price. And maybe she'll also end up in an unfortunate accident sooner or later. The thought of that sent the bile straight up. She rocked herself, mind reeling with the possibility.

"I'm going to the washroom," Cara said quietly, her voice unusually thick as she could not push the lump down. Raising from her seat, she rushed out of the gym, feeling the world closing in on her. She was barely aware of Claire calling out to her and the man on the stage who followed her with his eyes.

Completely bypassing the washroom, Cara burst through the school's back doors before throwing her back against the garbage bins, sliding to the floor. The stench didn't register as her brain tricked her into thinking she could smell burning flesh. Thinking about what the kid must have felt while burning up, she shut her eyes tightly, unable to handle such imagery. She didn't try to control her sobs, letting them overpower her without caring about who was watching.

Someone was watching, and they were amused.

"You know, it's rude to walk out while a speaker is presenting. We take the time out of our boorish days to speak to a bunch of idiots who won't hang onto a single word we say. A complete and utter waste of time." Wesker spoke, walking around the garbage can to look down at Cara. The silence came sharply as she noticed his presence. It was hard to believe the girl cowering in the corner was the same person who risked her life to protect his little Sherry.

"Did you kill him?" Cara whispered, her puffy eyes finding his.

"Who?" standing in front of her, Wesker squatted down to her level.

"You know who I am talking about."

"Still in the mood for asking questions? Do you think he will be more alive having that knowledge?" Wesker reached over with a gloved hand to push the hair away from her face, enjoying the complete mess she was. The girl was like this because of him, and he loved having that power. He didn't have to do a thing to get to her. Merely show up.

" I didn't say anything to anyone, I swear. Please just leave me alone." Her voice was octaves higher, uncaring when it fragmented at the end. Even if someone heard her, she doubted they would help. The decorated officer can make up a story more likely believable than a word out of her mouth. She was alone and wholly regretted leaving the gym. Cornering herself, she practically led him to her.

"Our encounters will only end once I say so. Now, answer this. Why were you limping?" Wesker watched as she flinched when his hand came to rest on her injured leg. He found this development displeasing. Someone trespassed on his right to be the only one to hurt her, to use her, to kill her. And correction was in order.

[autumnblogs]

Day 9: Troll Time

Time to get trolled.

https://homestuck.com/story/1527

This is the first of the events that I’ve noticed enough to talk about in Homestuck that alludes to the Alpha Kids. While Roxy on the other side of the scratch is the one actually responsible for the disappearance of Jaspers and the Pumpkins, at this point in the story, we have some pretty good suspects for exactly who disappeared both of them.

I could see myself guessing that Jade’s penpal is one of the trolls, but it wouldn’t be my first guess. I’m going to pay close attention to all of the events on one side of the scratch that are caused by the other side of the scratch, because my theory is that a Scratched Universe, more than anything else, is really terminated rather than truly being retroactively erased. Too much doesn’t make sense from a causal perspective (not necessarily from a temporally linear one) if a scratched universe is actually erased entirely, or even if it is closed off from the rest of existence - why can information enter and leave a Scratched Universe at all from an outside perspective, for example?

Are Side A Side B teleporters, appearifiers, and so on and so on, loopholes? Maybe it has something to do with the nature of Void, the Furthest Ring, and their seeming exclusion from the rules the rest of Paradox Space is required to follow.

The Doylist answer, which in Homestuck is also allowed to be the Watsonian answer, might be that while a Scratched Universe is *materially* erased, information about it is still permitted to propagate through narrative contrivances such as the author. Fenestrated planes can easily be considered narrative contrivances, but if we use this as our theory, it seems like Appearifiers and Sendificators would also have to be Narrative Contrivances (which I’m going to spell with a capital NC from here on out.) I... actually don’t have a problem with this hypothesis, so it’s what I’m going with. Also, since a friend of mine who’s reading this liveblog asked, I’m going to post a link to the tvtropes article on those two terms at the start of this paragraph for anyone who doesn’t know what I’m talking about.

Perhaps, given the proclivity for the Void to preserve lost information in the form of dreams and memories, and given the nature of Space as the medium through which events normally propagate (as well as the fundamental medium of storytelling from which all other storytelling mediums derive their medium-ness), and their proximity on the Aspect Wheel, Narrative Contrivances are objects which have are shared between these two domains - as objects associated with the Void, Narrative Contrivances are permitted to follow their own set of rules which to someone outside of the universe are obvious, but to anyone inside the universe are a complete black box, and as objects associated with Space, Narrative Contrivances function as a means by which to propagate information in such a way as to preserve causality, the logical topology of Paradox Space, and with them, the self-fulfilling nature of Paradox Space. They allow the world-line of objects travelling through the narrative to remain consistent, even when they would violate material geographical conventions.

This description of Narrative Contrivances makes me think a lot of things could be Narrative Contrivances, like First Guardians, for example, who can violate the speed of light.

This is all a lot of silly bullshit, but it’s fun to come up with theories to describe and predict Homestuck (and future Homestuck works, even though I’m not terribly invested in them.)

This has been a long Cold Open. More after the break.

https://homestuck.com/story/1529

John gets cyberbullied!

Man. Cyberbullying has really gone from being an individual concern to being an apocalyptic issue. Who knew? Maybe in writing the trolls and their cyberbullying as being inextricable from the apocalypse, Andrew Hussie predicted this.

I’m not trying to understate John’s issues by comparing them to stuff like massive social media disinformation campaigns - receiving Death Threats as a thirteen year old is terrifying, and on a general level, the fact that this kind of horrible shit was commonplace in the earliest days of social media should have been a big indicator that what was yet to come was going to be so, so much worse.

I’m also not trying to jocularly exaggerate the threat that almost completely lawless social media has on society. If you haven’t already, check out the excellent documentary The Social Dilemma, and then delete your Facebook account if you haven’t already (and since you’re reading my extremely anti-capitalist anti-patriarchy liveblog on tumblr, you’ve probably already done that. If you have, good for you!) And your twitter for good measure, come on, you know who you are. Mabe your tumblr too while you’re at it.

Cyberbullying is part of a larger theme in Homestuck, another one of those things that it’s Capital A About. As a work that is not only about growing up, but specifically about growing up in the information age, Homestuck is repeatedly about the ways that Social Media don’t just bring us together, but keep us apart from one another. Cyberbullying is one of the effects of Social Media pushing people apart - it’s so, so much easier to threaten to kill someone when you don’t have to look them in the eye while you’re doing it, and when you have the anonymity of a string of alphanumeric characters as a name to hide behind.

https://homestuck.com/story/1537

The Black Queen is a very bad woman. It’s always intrigued me that the Queens allow their counterparts’ agents free movement through their territory like this even on the eve (or the advent?) of full-scale war between their kingdoms. PM is just allowed to wander around Derse unsupervised.

I suppose that if even God and Satan can afford each other a bit of token civility while discussing the fates of sinners, so can Prospitians and Dersites.

https://homestuck.com/story/1542

@zeetheus​ John’s definitely proceeds Rose’s bluh.

Rose sips her Mom’s martini for the same reason that she later falls prey to alcoholism. Trying to grow up without help, Rose interprets the martini as a symbol of parental authority, the same way that she interprets the partaking of beverages in general as being a ritual of intimacy with her Mother. Empty signifiers.

https://homestuck.com/story/1549

Jack Noir’s grating voice is so outrageously distracting that it prevents itself as an intrusive thought in the Narrative for PM.

Actually, come to think of it, *all* of the Carapacians talk pretty much exclusively via narration. I wonder if that’s representative of an altered relationship with their narrative reality, which is the first time ever I’ve had that thought pretty much at all.

I always just chalked it up to one of the quirks of Andrew’s writing style, but especially when we take into account the fact that Homestuck is as metanarrative as it is, and that Carapacians are the only characters in Homestuck Proper who interface with the narrative prompt except for the audience, Andrew, and Caliborn himself, I can’t help but wonder. Maybe as living gaming abstractions, in spite of their limited intelligence and abilities, Carapacians have a unique relationship with the narrative laws of Paradox Space (perhaps in the same way that Narrative Contrivances do?)

https://homestuck.com/story/1569

Riffing a little more on the “Fetch Modus as analogous to thought processes” motif previously introduced, Jade’s excellent visualization abilities and vivid imagination serve her well as a Space Player, but tend to misfire, running wild, and seeing patterns where they don’t exist (intrusive thoughts make her see Johnny 5 in her Eclectic Bass and whatever the fuck mecha she’s about to accidentally imagine, I don’t know, I’m not a weeb.) Jade sure does think about robots a lot.

https://homestuck.com/story/1579

I have to say, I consider Terezi’s manipulative abilities to be genuinely pretty strong. I have never known a better way to strongarm me than by pointing out traits that I don’t know whether I feel good or bad about - it just terminates my thought processes.

Although in John’s case, it helps that he is, in fact, a weenie, a stooge, and most importantly, a nice guy. All these facts make him extra manipulatable.

https://homestuck.com/story/1584

<3

I have no reason to believe everyone in Homestuck’s universe isn’t stupidly badass, but I choose to believe that no one is as stupidly badass as the leads because it makes me happy to imagine that these kids are just ridiculously OP superhumans.

(That said, it’s kind of fucked up the level of violence that these literal children are involved in, maybe I shouldn’t get so excited about it. Should we be enthusiastic about the kids’ triumph over their dangerous enemies? Horrified by the travails they are being put through? Probably both motherfuckin’ things.

https://homestuck.com/story/1588

I think about this page a lot.

Rose Lalonde is a very dangerous young lady. She is ruthless, pragmatic, calculating, and cool. She’s even a killer, and literally just killed two imps before fighting this Ogre!

Why is she choosing to show mercy to it now? Is she just trying to get Dave’s goat? Maybe the answer is, deep down, she doesn’t really want to hurt anyone or anything.

https://homestuck.com/story/1589

Kanaya and Dave have a great relationship and I love them as friends very much. I wish dearly that there was more of them in the webcomic. They have approximately the same relationship with authenticity, which is to say that they don’t have an insincere bone in their respective bodies, but practice insincerity nonetheless to impress someone they care about.

For Kanaya relating to Rose, I think it’s a lot more innocent.

https://homestuck.com/story/1590

The least eloquent character in Homestuck has his brief, and I’m pretty sure only encounter with the most eloquent character in Homestuck.

Poor, poor Tavros. While Rose is pretty much always on this level, it seems a lot more innocuous when she’s talking to her friends, or the more mean-spirited and (relatively) competent trolls, the way she treats Tavros almost feels like bullying because of how obviously pathetic he is.

That said, he turns right around, and invokes exactly what’s coming to him. Y’know as much as Tavros is an authentic abuse victim and Vriska gaslights him into thinking a lot of the bad things that happen to him are his fault, there are a lot of times where he does stupid shit that invokes the justifiable wrath of the people around him.

https://homestuck.com/story/1592

While I could pontificate about the fact that Kanaya and Rose are my favorite couple, and squee enthusiastically, instead I will call attention to the fact that, by way of mixing her metaphors, Kanaya has been the victim of an authorial pun - she’s a Fruit Ninja. (Unless Fruit Ninja didn’t exist at the time of writing? It may very well not have.)

https://homestuck.com/story/1596

As the Page of Breath, Tavros sucks at communicating. Here, he sucks at communicating because in spite of his objectively pretty sick rhymes... he is talking to someone who just can’t be arsed.

https://homestuck.com/story/1602

This is one of those absurd moments that at first blush seems meaningless, but I think helps to decipher the kinds of things that John Egbert cares about. It’s one of the moments where he ritualizes an action that one of his heroes takes - John Egbert thinks that Nic Cage is cool, and wants to be like him, so he roleplays Nic Cage for a little while.

https://homestuck.com/story/1603

We’ve barely met the trolls, and they are *already* using the humans as a convenient method to troll each other instead of staying on task.

Karkat also establishes his love of RomComs before his introduction even rolls around.

https://homestuck.com/story/1618

Conceding ground to implacable enemies is generally the correct means to win in Homestuck, usually by getting them to destroy themselves or each other purely by their own unsustainably wicked or stupid conduct. Only a being as powerful as Lord English is sufficient to destroy the Significance-hoarding antagonist that is Vriska, as she threatens to overshadow everyone else in the universe by her own inflated self-importance. Only Vriska, so arbitrarily lucky, could possibly get into position to destroy Lord English. They were made for each other. They deserve each other.

One of my favorite dialogues in the whole comic. Man, I sure love Act 4. There’s something indescribable about the dialogue Andrew writes for this part of the comic. Homestuck at its best whiplashes from silly to scary to heartbreaking to heartwarming, and back to silly again, from beautiful to ugly, and I don’t think that even Act 5, as it piles up layers upon layers, well past the number of parts needed to make a whole, captures the essence of Homestuck as well as does Act 4.

Homestuck is different in every part, of course, and for everyone who says that Act 4 is peak Homestuck you will meet someone who says that Acts 1 through 3 were peak Homestuck, or who says that Act 5 was Peak Homestuck, or that Act 6 was Peak Homestuck. I do not mean to demean any portion of the work by saying that Act 4 is my favorite. The things I like in Homestuck the most are just the most themselves in this portion of the story.

https://homestuck.com/story/1627

I’m feeling less and less intelligent as I read more and more of Homestuck, because honestly, my theories read less like honest-to-god insights, and more like somebody who just wasn’t paying any fucking attention. Here, Jade spells out basically what I’ve been saying.

https://homestuck.com/story/1640

We’ll pause here for the evening. Reading was a little sparse today, but it’s a good place to leave off, especially since for some of these I wrote just stacks of theorizing.

Until tomorrow, Cam signing off, Mostly alive except for a bit of a cough, and not alone.