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misscarolineshelby · 3 years

Text

A New Life

Part Nine: First Night Away

Pairing: Cillian Murphy x Reader

Words: 3,605

Warning: Angst, Smut

Original Blogger: @queenshelby

The long weekend trip to Kerry was fast approaching and you hired a car to drive there with Max with the view to visit your cousin on the way.

You were the first one to arrive at Cillian’s holiday house on Thursday afternoon and were thankful for the GPS and the fact that Max slept the whole way through.

The house was not far from many beautiful walking tracks and was even somewhat secluded. It was a large house, but somewhat dated and it was obvious to you that Cillian liked to keep the old charm of the house rather than turn into something modern.

‘Are these your sheep?’ you said as you stepped out of the car and Cillian greeted you after having heard your car pull up.

‘No, they belong to the neighbours’ Cillian said and you looked around somewhat confused. There was no other house nearby.

‘Neighbours?’ you chuckled and Cillian nodded.

‘Yes, they live a kilometre up this way’ he said, pointing north, before asking you to come inside.

The house was beautiful and featured a new but rustic kitchen and three bathrooms. The living room contained a large stone fire place and there were five bedrooms.

‘I am sorry that you have to bunk with Laura’ Cillian said as he carried your bag to one of the rooms after having shown Max where he will be sleeping with his two cousins and a friend’s young son named Connor.

‘Well, I thought that you would be sharing a room with her after the rumours I have heard’ you winked and Cillian couldn’t help but laugh.

‘Rumours, eh? What have you heard?’ he then asked and, whilst you knew that you should have kept this to yourself, you couldn’t.

This was all you had been thinking about for the past two days and you were seriously bothered by the fact that Cillian and Laura had shared an intimate moment together.

‘I’ve heard that you and Laura shared a kiss’ you said, pretending not to be bothered by it.

‘If, by sharing a kiss, you mean that she forced herself on me when she had too much to drink then yes, the rumours are true’ Cillian laughed rather amused.

‘That’s not how I heard it. Apparently, you guys had a moment’ you said surprised but Cillian shook his head.

‘The kiss wasn’t mutual Y/N. She was drunk and I am actually quite surprised that she remembered it at all. I had to take her back to her hotel room and help her lie down. That’s how wasted she was’ Cillian said somewhat amused and you couldn’t help but start laughing as well.

‘Well, I think she might actually like you Cillian. It was more than a stupid drunk moment for her’ you explained somewhat concerned but Cillian still didn’t take you serious.

‘I am not interested in her Y/N’ Cillian then confirmed.

‘I don’t care if you are’ you then said with blushing cheeks which is when you heard Cian’s car pull up as well.

***

The afternoon went fast and, while Cillian, Cian and their mutual friend Liam prepared dinner, Laura, Evelyn and you played a boardgame with the children in front of the fire place.

After dinner and after all of the children went to bed, you opened two bottles of wine and enjoyed some time just between adults, talking and joking together before your big day tomorrow.

Laura tried her best to get closer to Cillian throughout the evening, sitting next to him whenever she could and teaming up with him during a game of trivia.

You tried not to let this bother you while Cillian behaved just as he would normally without letting her get too close after what you had told him.

But Laura didn’t give up and would, occasionally, brush her hand over Cillian’s arms or otherwise try to make physical contact with him.

You couldn’t help but cringe every time you noticed it and Cillian had become almost oblivious to her actions as the night went on and she had a few glasses of wine to drink yet again.

Eventually, Evelyn and Laura decided that they drank enough. They both wanted to be ready for the hike tomorrow and decided to go to bed at around 10 o’clock that evening, leaving you to sit in front of the fire place with Cian, Liam and Cillian.

‘I might just quickly change into my pyjamas so that I don’t wake you when I come in’ you suggested to Laura who, surprisingly, you had been getting on with perfectly fine that day.

‘Sure, thanks’ Laura said as you followed her into the bedroom. You knew that, sharing a bad with her would be awkward, but you knew that space was limited.

***

‘Where did everyone go?’ you asked surprised when you returned to the living room after you got changed and saw that only Cillian was left sitting there with his glass of wine.

‘To bed’ he chuckled before topping up your glass and handing it to you. It was obvious that he wasn’t tired yet.

‘Wow, alright…old farts’ you joked while, the truth was, that you didn’t really mind at all. You enjoyed spending time with Cillian on your own and you quickly got talking again, about literature, art and theatre which were all the things you couldn’t talk about when Cian or the others were around.

Then, eventually, the topic of past relationships came up again and you talked about that for at least twenty minutes until you decided that it was enough. It had become too depressing and Cillian wanted to put an end to the conversation.

‘You know, just fuck him Y/N. I think you just have to enjoy life without thinking too much about it and ignore the people who want to interfere with it’ Cillian said after you told him about the latest stunt your ex-boyfriend had pulled back home, alleging that you had cheated on him which was far from the truth.

‘I love your no fucks given attitude; you know that?’ you then smiled. Of course, you knew that he was right about it. You couldn’t let this sort of behaviour bother you. But somehow, it did. It annoyed you and made you angry.

‘This kind of attitude comes with age’ Cillian grinned before looking up at the sky featuring a cloud-free star-scape overhead through one of the large skylight windows in the living room.

‘It’s beautiful, isn’t it?’ you said, looking up as well, and Cillian agreed with your observations.

‘You know, I really enjoyed the night we shared with each other last week’ you then said to break the silence in the room, causing Cillian to look at you with his piercing blue eyes.

‘Me too’ he responded, smiling and waiting for you to say something else. It was almost like he was lost for words.

‘I was thinking that…perhaps…we should do this again some time’ you then said, unable to take your eyes of him.

‘Y/N, I think that would be a bad idea. As I said earlier, I don’t want to be in a relationship right now’ he explained and you told him again that you didn’t want to be in a relationship either.

‘I am going back home in six weeks Cillian. It would just be sex, occasionally, now and then, whenever we feel like it. No strings attached’ you explained, causing him to cock an eyebrow and sigh.

‘Well, you just said to me before that, sometimes, you just have to enjoy life without thinking too much about it’ you reminded him with a wicked smile, causing Cillian to laugh.

‘Whilst this was not what I had in mind when I told you to enjoy life, I think that I may be open to your proposal’ Cillian then smirked and, just as he did, you got up from your seat and stood in front of him, leaning down slightly and cupping his face.

‘Would you just?’ you teased, biting your lips seductively before pressing them onto Cillian’s lips who, without hesitation, gave into the kiss.

‘I would. In fact, sleeping with you again had been on my mind’ Cillian admitted after your lips drifted apart and, as soon as Cillian put his wine glass down, you crawled onto his lap which is where you could feel his erection poke eagerly against the fabric of his jeans.

‘Clearly you have. You are so hard for me already’ you breathed out teasingly in between sensual kisses all the while you were grinding yourself against him, allowing your own core to get some friction.

‘We can’t risk doing this out here Y/N’ Cillian said eventually as he felt himself getting even more aroused than he already was. You talking dirty to him was the icing on the cake and there was no turning back now.

‘Let’s take it to your bedroom then’ you suggested while getting off Cillian’s lap and straightening up your clothes but, to your surprise, Cillian shook his head.

‘I think we should wait until we get back to Dublin’ Cillian said, causing you to pout.

‘Why?’ you asked, running your hand over his crotch seductively, teasing his hard cock through the fabric of his jeans.

‘Because your brother could hear us and I am very keen to live another day’ Cillian chuckled, but you wouldn’t let down.

‘I need you to fuck me tonight, Cillian. I am serious. I am all horny now. Feel that’ you demanded while taking hold of his hand and pushing it beneath your cotton pyjama pants and inside your panties.

‘Jesus Y/N. You are soaking’ Cillian said in a low groan while pushing his finger inside you slightly.

‘That’s just what you do to me Cillian. Now take me to your bedroom and fuck me’ you demanded while grinding yourself against his hand.

‘Alright, but you need to be a good girl for me and stay quiet. Can you do that?’ Cillian then asked before taking your hand and, of course, you nodded eagerly.

***

Within minutes, you found yourself in Cillian’s bed with his bedroom door locked from the inside.

You were both almost completely naked, facing each other and sharing playful kisses.

As you were kissing, you pressed your hand against Cillian’s chest, then running your fingers over his back and then back down over his stomach until your fingertips were just tracing under the waistband of his Calvin Klein briefs.

‘You know how often I’ve been thinking about you over the past week?’ Cillian then asked as he took you by surprise, suddenly kissing you back hard, leaning into you, and thrusting the hardness of his erection between your thighs, which opened in an instinctive response.

‘Me too. In fact, I’ve been fantasising about you fucking me while I am masturbating’ you moaned as your head went back and you groaned softly as he kissed up down your neck with an insistence that was completely irresistible. You threw your leg over his hips and pulled him into you.

You could hear Cillian’s breath becoming harder and more ragged now as you ran your hand down into his underwear to free his glorious, throbbing cock from its restrictions.

You pulled your hips back so you could run your hand up and down his thick shaft, and play with the drop of precum that was oozing from the head with the tip of your finger and, without even thinking, you brought the finger up to your lips so that you could taste him.

‘Jesus Y/N, that’s so fucking sexy’ Cillian groaned in approval.

He had one arm under your neck and the other cupping your ass under your panties, pulling you into him, before you felt him reach down the back of your thigh beneath the stretching elastic.

He then slid his fingers up the front of your eagerly parting legs, teasingly fingering your outer folds where you knew he could feel how your pussy was suddenly flooded with warmth and wetness.

‘So, fucking wet for me…I can’t wait to slide my cock inside you’ Cillian whispered as you tried to stifle your delighted moan as he breathed into your ear.

‘I need it so badly Cillian. I need your cock inside me’ you moaned in response and, with one motion, he pulled your panties down to your knees, where they were easy for you to wriggle out of. More clumsily, but no less hungrily, you pulled at the elastic and cotton that still covered the base of Cillian’s straining cock and his balls, until he took pity on you and pulled off his underwear.

For a moment, the feel of Cillian’s naked body pressed against yours took your breath away, and you could hear that he had the same reaction. His lips found yours in the middle of your intake of breath, kissing you passionately.

You gasped as he broke away and gave you another quick kiss on your neck while rolling you over onto your back. Cillian’s body was protective on top of you and his hips were pressing into yours while the head of his cock flirtatiously and teasingly brushed against your outer folds.

‘Please, I need you inside me’ you begged again as, breathlessly, you reached down and pulled him towards you, one hand pulling at his hips, the other desperately, thirstily trying to guide the head of his cock into the wetness of your screaming, impatient, painfully empty pussy.

Cillian resisted one more second while he covered your mouth with his and then, finally, after what seemed like eternity, plunged all the way into you.

‘Oh god yes’ you moaned loudly into Cillian’s mouth which was a completely involuntary response to the feeling of him thrusting so deeply and forcefully inside you.

But your moaning didn’t stop there. Instead, you continued to moan loudly as Cillian began to move inside you.

‘Shh’ he whispered past your lips after he pulled away from the kiss and he quickly covered your mouth with his hand instead.

You nodded in response as he started moving very slowly but deeply in and out of you, holding each stroke at its deepest point, filling you up entirely.

You smiled, and kissed the palm of his hand that was pressing across your lips to show him that you remembered that Cian and Evelyn were in the next room.

When Cillian saw that you got control of yourself, he moved his hand caressingly down your neck, to your breast, and down to play with your clit.

The other hand grabbed your leg up onto his shoulder, pulling you up onto his cock as he thrusted downward, over and over, establishing that perfect rhythm that was at once too rapid for your sensory overload, and too slow for your insatiable, hungry need for him.

As you looked up at Cillian you could see his eyes burning down into yours, turning you on even more.

Within no time, you clenched down on him hard with your muscles mid-stroke, your pussy pulling him back into you just as he was pulling out, and this time it was your turn to reach your fingers up to his lips to hastily and tenderly stifle the resounding groan that was nearly wrenched from him in response.

‘You feel so fucking wet and tight around my cock’ Cillian whispered before he leaned down to kiss you.

As you shared a passionate kiss, Cillian suddenly thrusted hard and unyieldingly into you once more, and again, and again, cutting off your moans with a gasp of overwhelming pleasure.

‘Oh god yes yes yes’ you moaned as quietly as you could as he continued this new pace unrelenting, driving into you with forceful, fierce, inexorable, remorseless, incredibly deep and increasingly intense, insistent thrusts.

When Cillian was sure that you were not going to cry out in spite of the mind-blowing pleasure, he slowly sat back upright. His hands were holding you down on his cock as he shifted positions, and then spreading both your legs wide so he could go even deeper.

Fucking you hard and deep, you watched from above as you arched your back and bit your lip in mute ecstasy, gazing back up at him as your hand strayed down to work your swollen, pulsing clit. The feeling was so incredible it took literally all your self-control to not scream as you rode closer and closer to orgasm on the grinding girth of Cillian’s cock.

‘I am so close Cillian’ you moaned quietly and, just when you thought you couldn’t take too much more, you saw Cillian’s jaw clench and heard him draw a deep breath.

‘So am I’ Cillian groaned just as you felt his body shudder and his cock swell inside you, which is when you let go.

Your head was thrown back and your eyes were tightly shut as you started to cum. Your lips were also pressed shut as you concentrated on not making a sound, feeling wave after wave of pleasure roll down your body and ring through your pussy, until you felt Cillian reach down, his fingers at the back of your neck and his thumb against your mouth, compelling your eyes to snap open and meet his as he surged into you, flooding you with his warm cum as quietly as he possibly could.

Coming in sync like this with him was surreal and, whilst you didn’t let yourself go completely to avoid being too loud, it was intense. Seeing the fire in each other’s eyes and feeling the passion build up between your bodies was all you needed.

‘I needed this so fucking bad’ you huffed out, relieved, when Cillian collapsed onto you and you wrapped your arms and legs around him, pulling him close and kissing his ear, his cheek, his forehead and then his lips as your bodies trembled and you both gasped for breath.

‘I am sorry for not being more experimental tonight but I don’t like the fact that your brother is right next door’ Cillian whispered as he stayed there on top of you for a minute, breathing hard into the hair just behind your ear and absently kissing your neck.

‘It was perfect Cillian’ you said rather satisfied by what you had achieved within 45 minutes while Cillian carefully pulled out of you, causing some of his cum to leak onto the sheets beneath you.

You both rolled to your sides, facing each other before you resolved into an uncontrollable flood of silent kisses and caresses. Cillian was still holding you close to him and you felt at ease and ready to fall asleep in his arms once again. But, you knew that you had to get up and get into your own bed instead so that you wouldn’t raise any suspicions.

‘I better go and sneak back to my room’ you eventually said but Cillian wasn’t quite ready to let you go despite the fact that it was already 2 o’clock in the morning and you were scheduled to get up for your hike at 7am.

‘Not yet, stay just a little longer’ Cillian said before kissing you again gently and you continued like this for another ten minutes before calling it a night.

After you said goodnight to each other, you tippy toed back into your room where Laura was sleeping deeply.

You climbed into the bed beside her, not sure whether you could fall asleep after what you had just been doing. You also felt a sense of shame, being there right next to her after having been with the man she desired. But this sense of shame you were feeling was quickly taken over by more lust for Cillian as, after you pulled the doona over your body, you could feel another gush of Cillian’s cum leak from your core and into your cotton panties. The thought of his cum being inside you made you all excited again. You wanted more, so much more. You knew that you were in for more wet dreams and regretted not having demanded a second round from Cillian before you left his room, knowing that he was very much capable of going again.

***

The following morning, when your alarm went off at 7 o’clock, you stumbled into the kitchen, yawning and with dark circles beneath your eyes.

Cillian was already sitting on the kitchen table in his pyjamas, drinking his coffee and trying to maintain a conversation with Cian who appeared rather lively. Cillian, on the other hand, did not. He was clearly still tired and even a little exhausted.

‘Good Morning, Sister’ Cian said, smiling and handing you a cup of coffee which you gladly accepted.

‘You obviously stayed up late. You look tired’ he then said while Cillian gave you an innocent wink when Cian looked the other way to grab some sugar for Evelyn’s coffee.

‘Yes, I had a few more glasses of wine by the fireplace’ you said, cheeks blushing as you watched Laura sit down next to Cillian and trying her luck again, flirting with him and trying to get his attention.

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#cillian murphy #cillian murphy smut #cillian murphy imagine #cillian murphy x reader #cillian murphy x y/n #cillian murphy x you

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mashiraostail · 4 years

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could you maybe do a part 2 of the depressive episode ask with fatgum, hawks, n gang orca pease?

ofc anon! I think these get progressivley longer also fldsfdsjl idk why that is, sorry!

Taishiro Toyomitsu/Fatgum You were both busy people, Taishiro was even busier than your average pro now that he’d taken on those two students, he didn’t mind the extra work though. Plus he was used to having you around on top of it all. He understood you worked as well, and he’d even tried going there to surprise you since it had been a few days since the pair of you spent any time together which was entirely unlike you only for your coworkers to say that you’d called out a fair bit of time. Maybe you’d headed home, a family birthday or special occasion beaconed you, but whenever you left you always asked him to watch your place, he’d hardly heard from you beyond a text for the past week or so now. So he decided to head over to yours after calling it early one day, he sent Kirishima and Amajiki packing and told them he had a small emergency to deal with, which wasn’t exactly a lie. He was growing a bit concerned for you your lack of communication with him wasn’t just rare it was totally unheard of, normally you were joined to him at the hip, you adored him and you always made sure he heard it all the time. He didn’t want to be overbearing or show up uninvited but he hated the idea of you being sick or worse with no help around, he understood how badly you wanted to be perfect for him, you didn’t want to add to his workload or be a bother at all, he was just trying to figure out the best way to make you see that you could never do any of that to him, and you’re perfect for him however you want to be. He knocks on the door a few times to no avail before electing to use his key, you’d given it to him a while ago but he still knocked most of the time, he didn’t like barging in on you, despite how he loved to have you do it to him, nothing was better than an unannounced surprise visit from you in his eyes. “Anyone home?” He shuts the door quietly behind him and looks around. The mess says you should be in, that’s for sure. He’s holding a bag of snacks in his hands, plus some medicines and general stuff in case you were sick with a cold or the flu, and he already had his whole chastising speech set up in his head for you. But he had to find you first. There wouldn’t have been any place for you in the living room, the couch was littered with groceries that had yet to be put away, the coffee table covered in glasses and the kitchen wasn’t much better, it was full of everything and anything but actual food. The door to the laundry room was just barely holding a tidal wave of unfolded clothes back. The bedroom door was slightly ajar. “Hey, you-” He nudges the door open with his shoulder, “‘re you decent? Can I open my eyes ‘fore I bump into something-” “Taishiro?” He hears the rumpling of blankets, and your voice is wet and tired and warbly and even though you didn’t give him the go-ahead he couldn't help but rush over to you at the sound of it. “Hey, what’s the matter? He drops the bag on the bed to your other side and instinctively cups your face in his hands. “What are you doing here I-” “I was just in the area and... it’s been a while since I spent any time with you, sorry barge in like this, you didn’t answer the door, I just wanted to check on you..and it seems like it was a good thing I did..” You’re looking up at him like a deer in headlights, it’s only then that he realizes his potential indiscretion. He moves to pull away from you, to wait for a green light to touch you and be close to you, he didn’t want to overwhelm you, or make you feel guilty or anything like that. You can sense that he’s about to pull back, and a few minutes ago all you wanted was to be alone but now that he was here, the last thing you wanted was for him to not be near you. You take a hold of his wrist. He let out a long, thankful sigh, “alright then, I’ll stay right here.” He sits on the edge of your bed, “I’m glad you’re here.” He nudges your hair back with his other hand, “’re you sick?” You shake your head in his hands, “No I just-” Your voice waivers, “I feel so terrible-” “Terrible like how?” He looks guilty of something and it just makes you feel worse, “did something happen? Someone giving you a hard time or-” “No-” You choke it out tears already slipping down your face, “I just..I’m so exhausted and I feel like everyone hates me or forgot about me and I know somewhere in my head that that’s such a stupid thing to even worry about but I can’t stop worrying and-” “Hey, it’s alright, it’s alright,” he shushes you, “I see now, I get it now.” He pushes your cheeks up under his palms, “I’m sorry I didn’t notice sooner. I didn’t come sooner-” “It’s not your job to take care of me-” You warble, “I’m being a stupid baby I-” “Stop that. Just because something isn’t my job or responsibility doesn’t mean I still won’t wanna do it. You take care of me all the time.” “This isn't the same I-” “Come on and give me a hug.” He cuts you off before you can get anything else out, “I really need a hug, can you?” He scoops you up, underneath your arms and pulls you forward, he drops back into your mussed up pillows. “Tighter,” he complains as your arms coil around him weakly, and you laugh through a cascade of tears. “Feels good to cry huh?” He’s holding the back of your head with more protective instinct than you’ve ever felt from anyone. His other hand pulls the blanket up around you. “I couldn’t- I’ve been- all week and I just-” You hiccup, “I had to so bad but I couldn’t, and you-” He shushes you again. “Go on ahead, cry as much as you need to. I won’t say it doesn’t break my heart a little to hear it, but I know you’ll feel better after. And don’t go apologizing for this either, sometimes it’s just what you need. Let it all out. I’ll be here if you get sick from it. Afterward, I can help clean up, get you in a nice hot shower, make you something to eat? Sound good?” “Will you stay all night?” You were pressed into his chest, his tear-stained shirt muffled your voice but he got the idea. “Honey, I’ll stay as long as you want me.”

Keigo Takami/Hawks The no. 2 hero rarely has much time to kill, that being said Keigo liked to make it a point to see you as often as he could, or at least to text you. But over the past few days, you'd hardly replied at all, and when you did they were just simple one or two-word answers. It worried him, gnawed at him, for a myriad of reasons; were you sick? Were you drowning in work? Had you run into some kind of trouble? Were you injured? Had you gotten tired of waiting up for him? Sick of canceled dates and being woken up by him clambering out of bed early in the morning to answer a call, exhausted by all the would-be intimate moments between the pair of you that were interrupted by his work? All of these possibilities were equal parts nerve-wracking and heartbreaking. If you were sick he wanted you to reach out and ask him for help, there wasn’t anything he couldn’t make time for if you were involved, he’d figure it out, he always did... if you were in some kind of trouble or injured did you not feel like you could ask him to come to watch out for you without being a bother to him? Did he make you feel like a burden? Or worst of all had you just grown tired of him? Him and his baggage and his job? The gnawing in his chest become too hard to ignore. He could pawn this patrol off on someone else, it was a slow enough day anyways, maybe Enji would do it. He snorted at the thought. He’d just fly by your window, see if you were in, what you were up to. Maybe you were just swamped at work, he reminded himself, sure he was busy but that didn't mean you couldn’t be too, and two busy partners can make for sparse communication, there was a fair chance all of this was just you being busy too. He counts the windows and flies up, it wasn’t hard to memorize which one leads to your apartment. When he gets up there the blinds are open, he can see right inside. You woke up feeling okay today, okay enough that you figured maybe you could tackle this goddamn laundry at least, it was making such a mess in the hall and you thought maybe if you got that sorted out you’d feel a little more useful. But somehow you just ended up sitting on the floor in the hall, back against the wall, laundry basket spilled before you in a bigger mess than when you started. You may be an adult with a job and apartment but you were crying about the mess. You were an adult, you can cry about whatever you want, that’s a perk of being an adult. You sink further into the wall somehow. His vantage point lets him look clean through the living room into the small hallway where you sat. It’s slightly cracked, just enough that a few feathers can wiggle in and push it open enough that he can slide his fingers underneath. He should head to the ground, walk up the stairs and knock, like a normal person. But he can’t help it, he’s panicked, what the hell happened to you? You were just sitting there, laundry basket spilled, sobbing into your hands? Were you hurt? Did someone break-in? He couldn’t waste time on foot. “Hey-” He strangles it out as he’s contorting himself to duck into your window, “It’s okay, hey- I’m here, I’m here now, babe what happened?” He’s squeezing into your window, his wings folding and tufting up against the windowpane, “do you need my help? Are you hurt? Is someone here did someone-” He falls inside unceremoniously, a ball of red feathers and sherpa by your house plant. You’d never been so happy to witness his stupid antics, you’d never met someone so smart yet so dumb. It felt good to see him, you hadn’t realized how much you missed him. “Keigo?” You drop the shirt you were crying into, “n-no, I’m not hurt I just dropped the laundry and..-” Coincidentally it was his shirt. “Is this because of me?” He notices it fall to the ground, he looks incredibly guilty, “did I do something to upset you? To-” he scrambles up into a sitting position, “make you feel like I don’t care about you?” A feather is already righting the tipped over laundry basket, a few more collecting various tee shirts and socks. “What?” You wipe your face with your hands as he clambers over to you, you sniffle, “no Keigo you didn’t-” You shake your head as he nudges your legs apart and sits between your bent knees, “I’m sorry I’m the problem it’s me-” You look forward to him and his eyebrows furrow. “What do you mean? No one’s the problem there isn’t a problem what’s the-” He squeezes your arms, “forget it. Where have you been? I’ve been so worried about you..and now I find you crying on the ground and-” “I’ve been here.” Your voice cracks, “I haven’t gone out once.” You laugh wetly, “it’s embarrassing. I just...I can’t do it. I feel so useless. I do nothing all day but I’m so tired Keigo..I’m even too tired to sleep..” The mess that would have taken you days to clean on your own was practically rectified now, and Keigo hadn’t even lifted a finger. “I’m sorry I worried you.” You wither back into the wall and he shakes his head. “I don’t want sorry. I get it, I understand now.” He takes your face in his hands, “I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner-” “Your job’s more important than taking care of me like a child-” “That’s not a fair comparison. And it’s not true anyway. I know my work is important but that doesn’t mean other things can’t be important too. I want to be here for you. You would if it were me right?” You nod meekly at that, “thank you for coming I- I don’t even know what happened one minute it was fine and the next I-” “It doesn’t matter. It happens to the best of us. I just wish you’d called me. Asked for my help I... I was so worried that you were sick or..worse than that.. you were sick of me.” He laughs a little, “how stupid is that right? Like you’d ever get sick of me.” “Does that feather have my underwear?” You look at it over his shoulder. “Sorry. I... thought it would be funny.” It falls to the ground, you snort. “You’re right. That is stupid Keigo.” You murmur, “I’d never get sick of you.” “My job’s important, I know it eats up my time, and we don’t get to be together as much as I want to sometimes...” “I think I should be the one pleading my case right now Keigo.” You laugh a little, “my apartment is disgusting, I’m crying over dropped laundry and you haven't even seen the state of my kitchen yet. I ignored you for days over nothing, I’ve barely showered I probably smell abysmal and-” “It wasn’t over nothing and you don’t need to plead your case with me because you’re going through a rough patch, I’m the one that’s been too busy to notice you struggling-” He shakes his head, “all because of my work, I can’t... not do it but I want to be with you, I want to be with you all the time, I’m probably so annoying blowing up your phone and climbing in your window whenever I have a few second... I don’t know how you put up with me, I’d get sick of me in a few days.” He reaches out and tugs the bottom hem of your shirt aimlessly, “I don’t know how you do it. I guess all I do know is that I want you to stay near me.” “Keigo-” You warble and pull him into your chest, “I'm sorry I scared you-” “Don’t be sorry just...know that I want you to ask me for help...I know it’s easier said than done but..well I just said it. I just wanna be with you, all the time, like 24/7 I don’t even care what we’re doing. I’ll do all your laundry forever if you just stay near me while I do it. It’s not a bother you aren’t burdening me just ask me for help. I don’t want you to feel like this...let’s just..” He turns into the crook of your neck and sighs, “stay like this for a minute. And then I’ll help you clean up around here, that’s what's upsetting you right? The mess? Lucky for you I’ve got plenty of hands...well feathers. And then we’ll see what else we can get done, together okay babe?” “Yeah.” You press your cheek into his hair, “thank you for understanding.” Keigo nods, his finger traces the neckline of your shirt and he speaks again, “Please don’t pull away so much, I missed you, you’re the only person around here who has any fun besides Rumi, and whenever we’re together one of us ends up with a broken bone or worse.” You snort at that, “okay, noted.” “And I think you smell great by the way.”

Kugo Sakamata/Gang Orca It felt weird to be away from Kugo so much. You just hated the idea of him seeing you like this. You were tired and irritable and in a mess all the time, you hadn’t changed your pants in days and the only meal you’d had over the past 3 days was crackers and bread, maybe toast depending on your mood. Not to mention the laundry situation or the chaotic state of your bathroom. You normally hated mess, and even though you didn’t have the energy to clean it ..it still made you terribly anxious. You were almost out of crackers, you hated that you lived in the exact area Kugo patroled, it was how you’d met in the first place, and normally it was a delight to run into him on your way home from your own job, even just catching a glimpse of him patroling out your window usually really improved your mood but the thought of running into him now made you sick to your stomach. You couldn’t get the energy up to put something nicer on, but you didn’t even have a morsel of food left, everything you had you’d Mcgyvered into something to eat. If you saw him you’d have to explain where you’d been for the past week, why you’d been basically ignoring him, and even when you did answer him it was just to blow him off or send him to voicemail. You wanted to see him, but you were too afraid at this point, you’d dug yourself into a deep hole, there’s no way he wouldn’t be mad at you. Not that he’d ever gotten mad at you before really. But this time would be different. Or at least you’d convinced yourself of that. Maybe keeping your hood up would stop him from recognizing you. You made it to the store with no incident, you were feeling pretty hopeful, though equally drained, you barely went up and down 3 isles before deciding you were done after finding the pre-made cold brew you’d been craving. It amounted to about 3 bags total, and the cold brew bottle wasn’t exactly small..well you could always order out. Worried was a gross understatement, Kugo was sick with it. He wanted to barge in, everytime he offered to go to you you said no, you had a conference call, you were working late, your neighbors were fighting again, so on and so forth. That paired with the one to two-word answers he’d been receiving made his stomach hurt in a way he only experienced when he couldn’t tell the outcome of a big mission. He asked if you were okay practically every day and you always said you were fine. Though when he mentioned it to Hakamada the other hero informed him that ‘I’m fine’ was usually 'code’ for something else. If space was what you wanted then he’d let you have some...that being said when he saw what was certainly your receding figure on the street..wearing shorts in this weather? “Hey-” His voice makes you jump out of your skin. God the universe seriously hates you this week. “Kugo-” You don’t wanna turn around. “What are you wearing? It’s freezing out you should be wearing a coat and pants.” He wraps an arm around you, “you’re shaking. What were you thinking huh?” He reaches out and takes your groceries too, “you better be going home.” “I am..” You murmured, “I just needed to run out fast, I’m not cold, don’t get distracted from work because of me-” “I’ll bring you home. It’s fine, don’t worry about that there are plenty of people out today.” “I-” “Please let me bring you home.” He huddles you into his side, “I’ve been worried..” “Have you?” “Of course I have, you’ve made yourself so scarce recently, and now this?” “’m sorry..” You hug your chest as you turn the corner to your complex. “Do you want me to come up with you?” He turns to you. Now you were at a crossroads, you’d seen him, you were seeing him, he was touching you, his side was warm and his arm around you was comforting and the idea of being alone was equally as upsetting as the idea of him seeing the state of your apartment or the state of you close up. “You aren’t even wearing layers.” He scoffs as the neckline of your hoodie dips a bit. “Do you want me, yes or no? Either is okay but you need to get inside before you get sick.” “I do want you to come with me I just-” “Well explain upstairs then.” He's ushering you inside the moment you finish. “Did you lose your keys?” He’s still squeezing you into his side when you stop at your front door. “I... don’t want you to see it.” “See what my love? Your apartment? I think we’re a bit past that.” He presses his nose into your hood which is still covering your head. “It’s a mess- I’m a mess Kugo.” “I doubt it's that bad. Even if it is I won’t mind, so let’s go in instead of standing out here like two fools.” “Promise you won’t be mad.” You turn the key and he sighs. “I promise.” The door creaks open and you aren’t sure if it’s your anxious mind playing tricks on you or if it’s 10x worse than what you remember. “Oh god-” You warble, “I'm so sorry Kugo this is so embarrassing.” The way your voice breaks makes him jump. “Hey-” He sets your groceries down on the sliver of free counter space he can find, “no tears my love, no tears okay?” He puts his hands on your shoulders, “is this where you’ve been? Why you haven’t been talking to me? You’ve been all shut up in here?” He turns to you and you just want to fold in on yourself and disappear. “I wanted to clean, and I wanted to call you but I just couldn’t get the energy to and it kept piling up and my bathroom is even worse and I didn’t know what to do and then even when I started to miss you I was too embarrassed at the idea of you seeing me like this because I can’t even comb my hair right now let alone take a shower or even change my clothes and I was afraid you’d be angry with me for letting it get so bad and I-” “Stop.” He pulls you forward and you fall against him wistlessly, “relax, you’ll work yourself up to tears like that.” He cups the back of your head. “I won’t ever be mad you for something like this. Why would you be afraid of that?” He takes your face in his hands, “and why would you be embarrassed of me seeing you when you don’t feel well? I’m here to help you.” He nudges your hood back, “call me sooner next time, please, if not for your sake for mine.” A big hand cups the nape of your neck, “I was worried sick about you dear.” “I’m sorry-” Your voice cracks, “I’m sorry Kugo I just-” “I understand. I’m sorry too, I should have checked in sooner, I should have made sure you knew you can trust me with this sort of thing.” “It’s my fault not your’s don’t be sorry Kugo I-” You’re blinking back tears and he sighs. “There’s no sense in going back and fourth about it.” His thumb rubs your temple, “I’m just glad I’m here now. I’m sorry you don’t feel well but seeing you after so long is a relief, I really missed you.” “I missed you too Kugo-” Your voice cracks and you throw your arms around his neck and shoulders. “Do you need to cry? Don’t hold back for my sake.” A big hand rubs circles between your shoulder blades egging you on, “if crying will help then cry. I’m right here for you. No more worrying okay my dear?” “Okay-” You wipe your nose on your sleeve over his shoulder, tears falling freely, “thank you for coming Kugo-” Your feet are hardly on the ground anymore, your face nestled into his shoulder, “I’m sorry for getting tears all over your-” “What did I say about worrying?” He pulls you back and uses his thumb to clean off one cheek, leaning down and brushing his nose against the other you let out a thankful sigh at the gentle touch. “I just can’t help it Kugo-” You murmur, voice still wet with tears, “i just love you so much and I don’t-” “Oh, you’re such a sweet little thing.” He pulls you up a bit by your cheeks, “it just breaks my heart to see you like this. I may never let you out of my sight again.” “I’m okay with that.” You duck into his neck with a hiccup and he laughs. “I love you too, why don’t you take a warm shower, I’ll help you however I can, then I think we should call it a night, we can worry about the mess tomorrow.” “You don’t mind?” You squeeze him around his shoulders and he hums. “I don’t mind at all.” He promises, “I’ll do whatever I can to help you feel better.”

#fatgum x reader #taishiro toyomitsu x reader #hawks x reader #keigo takami x reader #kugo sakamata x reader #gang orca x reader #bnha x reader #bnha requests #hawks #gang orca #fatgum #keigo takami

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devilrainbunnie · 4 years

Text

._ anthurium pt 2 _.

tomura shigaraki x fem!reader

1/X/3

CW: anxiety trigger, manipulation, cheating, mentions of alcohol, mentions of depression and mental health (minors DNI)

a/n: I could not get the second part idea out of my head, I’m also going to try to write properly instead of doing all lowercase for practice. I’m used to doing lowercase but, whatever.

Tomura sprawled out over the black couch in his now empty, and lifeless apartment. His eyes were locked to the ceiling above him, though he was looking at nothing in particular. There was an unfamiliar feeling inside of his chest he had never felt before. Never in the mans life had he ever felt, or thought the way he did now. All his life he had done nothing but take, hate, use and abuse everything in this world-- so why couldn’t he stop feeling this heavy weight of regret within his body? Why did the corners of his eyes prick with hot, salty tears? Why couldn’t he stop thinking about you? In his mind, he blames you for this feeling. If you had just stayed, and let this continue, he wouldn’t feel like this.

But deep down he knows, that this is all of his fault.

He hurt you, constantly. Because you had always been there, accepted him, and coddled him, he never expected you to go anywhere. No matter what he did, or no matter what he said to you. He had hurt you in the past, many times. You always stayed. That made him believe you were okay with everything, or that’s at least what he told himself to make what he did not as bad. He never saw you crying, he never saw you actually upset. He thought your sometimes pestering and anxious ways you tried to confront him were nothing but annoying, not that you were silently begging him to love you and see he was breaking you. Or maybe he just didn’t want to see it. He didn’t even think about how it was affecting you. He was selfish, when all you were was selfless. You’d given everything to him, after Kurogiri was taken, you took care of him. Fed him, comforted him, made sure he was holding it together. Even before that, you tried to stop him from scratching at himself, you made sure he ate more than just take out, and junk food. You made sure he slept every night, showered every day. You helped him keep his things tidy.

You gave him something he had never had; love. You gave up everything to be with him, and you made sure to always put him above yourself, even when you shouldn’t have. He realized up until recently that he made the biggest mistake he would ever make. He lost the one person who would’ve dropped everything for him, for someone who was nothing but a good fuck. Someone who was manipulating him, someone who quite literally used their quirk to make him believe what he was feeling was genuine.

Tomura hated himself for it, he felt like a fucking garbage can. He lost his everything. He lost his love, his life, his happiness... all for some sex, and higher ranks.

He tried a couple times to release his pent up emotions by turning to the girl, but he felt sick any time he put his hands on her. Everything came crashing down to him, and it didn’t exactly happen immediately. The first time it hit him, is when Dabi tried to kill him.

...

The day after you left, Tomura was furious with you. Believing you had betrayed him, deceived him, and that he was going to unleash hell the next time he laid eyes on you. He slammed doors all night long after he found your note, drinking some sake and staying up until the sun rose. That morning he had a meeting, he got ready and wore his usual new outfit, a fancy black suit, with a long black trench coat and fur lined at the hood. Something you had actually helped him pick out, even though he whined about it being itchy against his face and neck constantly. He preferred his big hoodies, skinny jeans and converse, but now that he was a leader of such a professional group-- he was expected to look the part.

He adjusted himself in the mirror, putting on the singular artist glove, and flattening out the wrinkles in his suit. In all honesty, he just wanted to go to bed, and sleep away this angered feeling but he decided against it. Tomura needed to be professional.

He stepped out of the apartment, his hands in the pockets of the thick trench coat. A migraine beginning to settle into his head at the bright lights of the building. His eyes squinting, and blinking rapidly to adjust. He mindlessly strolled over to the elevator, and waited until the doors opened. Staring at his fancy black dress shoes, thinking to himself how stupid this all was. Soon the elevator arrived, and he stepped inside. It was empty, just how he preferred it, leaning his head back against the cold metal framing of the cart as it went upwards to the room he planned to have the meeting.

Soon he arrived on the floor, stepping out of the metal box, and walking into the large room the meeting was meant to take place. As soon as he opened the door, all eyes were on him. He walked to take his place to speak, when he heard a familiar raspy voice make a comment towards him. Tomura, having absolutely no patience for his shit, decided to speak out. “Is there a problem, crispy?” he sneered, taking his seat on the couch, scooting himself in to get comfortable.

“Yeah, there is a big fucking problem. Not that you would give a shit though, fucking prick.”

“Excuse me?!” Tomura snapped, sitting up to look at Dabi standing in front of him.

“You fucking heard me you nasty street rat. We have a fucking problem, and you’re lucky we’re inside because I wouldn’t hesitate to torch you alive right now.”

“What crawled up your ass and died?” he scoffed.

“Y/n. You fucking pushed her away. Y/n could be dead right now for all we know and it’s all your fault, because you just had to be selfish and fuck someone who is quite literally using you.” Dabi snapped, a little bit of blue shining from the insides of his closed fists. He was seething with rage, the tension in the room was so thick, you could cut it with a knife.

“She left on her own accord dumbass. If you’re so concerned with her, then go find her yourself. Stop talking about her. I don’t have time for this shit. I did nothing--”

“That’s the thing crusty, you did. You fucking cheated on her, pushed her away, made her cry, and treated her like shit. Do you know how many times I had to see that poor girl looking like she was barely hanging on by a thread?” He sneered, Tomura rolled his eyes and shook his head. “Don’t fucking act like you did nothing wrong. All of us tried to talk to you about cheating on her because we never saw Y/n and when we did, she looked fucking hollow. I don’t know how many times Twice or Spinner tried to talk to you about it, and you’d shut the door in their faces.”

“As I said, she left on her own accord! Quit talking about this--”

“He’s right, Tomura-kun. You need to take responsibility for this, she left because of you. She didn’t just abandon you, you pushed her to her limits and she left because she felt like she was no longer wanted by you. Why can’t you just take responsibility? I thought you were better than this Tomura-kun.” Toga stepped in, his words hit her hard. Toga was like your little sister. She loved you the most out of anyone in the league besides Twice, any time she could, she was right at your hip. “I-I... I miss her so much.” Toga said quietly under her breath, feeling herself start to tear up.

“Fuck this!” Tomura said loudly, slamming his fists down against the couch, and standing to his feet.

“You don’t get to just fucking walk away from this!” Dabi screamed at him, which was really the only time they ever heard him get upset. Dabi marched straight at Tomura, launching his fist straight to his face. Tomura grabbed his wrist with his gloved hand. They began to restrain one another before Dabi started slowly inching flames his way, and Tomura’s glove began to slip off intentionally. They were both pulled away separately. “I’m gonna kick your ass for this soon enough you grimy fuck! That girl was the only person in the league I actually enjoyed! Fuck you! I’ll fucking kill you!” Tomura realized how much he was acting like an older brother to you, and how truly sad everyone looked. You were part of their family, and he had made you leave. The rest of the day was a blur to him, he spent it drinking too much sake, playing games, and at some point crying.

The next days, he was angry and couldn’t process his emotions without some alcohol in his system. After a while, it hit him way too hard, and sleeping at night was nearly impossible. The next weeks all he did was mope around, and hate himself. He didn’t do anything like he used to anymore, besides stuff with PLF, he just took it upon himself to waste his days away locked on the couch or bed.

...

Tomura rubbed his face with four fingers, turning to his side to stare out of the large window, watching the way the moon shined into the room. He imagined your silhouette sitting at the window watching it to, like he often saw when he came into the room. This time instead of being annoyed at your presence, he wonders how he could fix things if you never left. Would things ever even be seen properly if you hadn’t left?

He whines out loud at the thought, wishing you were there to tell him it’s all okay, and comb through his hair with your soft fingers like you used to. He wants to sleep, but he can’t.

“I miss you. I’m a fucking idiot.” he softly murmurs into the air. Looking over to the anthurium plant that was in its usual spot that you loved so much, you had that plant longer than you were with him. Most of the plants in the room were long dead by now, but the anthurium was thriving. It gave him the smallest bit of comfort and relief, that somewhere, you were alive and okay. He wondered if you’d ever come back, even just for the plants. He smiled at the thought of you again, and he reached to the floor to pull up one of your old tee-shirts you left behind. A simple black one, and it still reeked of your familiar, comforting scent. He nuzzled his face into it, absorbing the comfortable feeling it gave him. Imagining you just being here again, right back into his arms like he wished. Like everything was okay again. The thought gave him comfort, as he closed his heavy lidded crimson irises that begged for the release of slumber. To dream of a life different than the one he was faced with. One with you in it.

In another life, I guess.

^^^

The last month was a tough one for you, you left everything behind. No plan in mind but to get as far away from Tomura as you could. You managed to get through the run down city of Deika somewhat okay, even though there was rubble covering the entirety of the streets. You would’ve been left with cuts and bruises because of how hard it was to climb over certain spots, but luckily your quirk saved you from that. Your eyes were dry by the time you reached the end of the city, it dawned on you there that you were finally free from the pain you once felt. It didn’t completely go away, but the familiarity of your surroundings was unknown, and that gave your mind some clarity. There was no pain here, nothing around you reminded you of him. It was uncharted territory, a place to make your own. Sure it was just a mostly deserted pavement road surrounded by some trees, and houses that were more than likely empty. There was nothing left to do but go forward. You walked down the empty pavement road until the sun began to rise, and still no signs of any civilization. It was empty, lifeless, and dull, but you were happy. Free. From time to time you’d stop to fix your shoes, find somewhere to relieve yourself or drink some water.

You were hoping to find a bus, or a motel before you got too tired. You stopped for a moment to check the small pocket watch you had with you in your bag to see that it was almost seven in the morning. But you kept on, and even though your legs began to feel like jello-- you soon were coming upon a new city. One that looked full, lively, and different.

Instead of just hopping on a bus, you decided to find a motel to shower, unwind and sleep in a warm bed. As you stumbled upon one, paid for you room and stripped yourself of your clothes, you immediately crashed to the bed. Sleeping for far longer than you wanted to, but needed to.

For a while it was a lot of traveling, trying to come up on a plan, and your money was running low. You were free, but there was still a cost. There you were, eating some cheap, cold soba outside in the rain in Musutafu. It was midday, and there was a lot of people out on the streets going to and from work (or school, who knows), the streets were lined with cars. heroes were on patrol everywhere. It felt good to be back somewhere you were used to, even if there was nothing for you there to feel stable. The jacket you wore was fairly thick, but didn’t keep you the warmest. You sat underneath a small bus stop shivering while eating something that made your hands go numb. Some of those that passed you gave you dirty looks, eyeing you up and down, assuming you were just another dirty beggar enjoying a meal someone else paid for you. Internally you felt ashamed of yourself for having to live like this, but it was all for a purpose. Let them stare, what do they know?

Soon your noodles were lessening, and you had finished your soba. After you took the last few noodles, you grabbed all of the trash you had sitting around you, and walked over to a trash can outside of the large law firm you were outside of. Placing it inside, and walking away before you heard something behind you. “Y/n?” a voice called from behind you, not registering at first that it was familiar to you.

You turned your head to look at the person behind you. It was Giran, in the flesh. Standing there with an umbrella over his head, and cigarette kissing between his lips. “Giran?” He flopped his grey locks out of his forehead. He looked exactly how you remembered him, gapped tooth, nice looking clothes, beautiful gold rings decorating his fingers, and the little glasses of his you always tried to steal from him.

“Doll... what the hell are you doing all the way over here? What happened? Why do you...”

“Why do I look like this?” You raised your brow, he shamelessly nodded. “I’m homeless, that’s why.”

“Why? What happened for you to be homeless?”

“I... I left. Things happened, I just-- I needed to leave.” you stumbled over your words, not really wanting to tell him the full story.

“I have a feeling there’s a story there you’re not telling me.”

“Yeah, I’ll tell you about it another time. Well, it was good seeing you, I’ll leave you to it--”

He hastily cut you off, not letting you walk away from him. It was obvious to the both of you that you were running from something, and probably going to run off to another city alone again. “Wait!” you turned to him, raising your eyebrow to him. “I was just heading home, come with me. You shouldn’t be out here alone, doll.”

“I don’t want to impose... Really, I’ll be fine--”

“Y/n. You are homeless, I want you to be safe and sleep in a warm bed. You aren’t imposing sweetheart, I’ll take care of you. I ask nothing in return besides that you fill me in at some point about what happened. I don’t wanna hear any no’s or but’s coming from ya, you’re not sleeping out on the streets anymore. Let’s go.” he said shamelessly. Giran was always good with looking out for you, you came to him shortly before going to the league looking for work as a healer within a group. You found yourself intrigued by Shigaraki, and Giran of course being the gentleman he is, asked you if you were sure a million times. Telling you that no matter what happened, he would watch over you, and take care of you. He’d always cared. You hastily agreed, he patted your shoulder comfortingly.

You followed him closely back to his home, the umbrella doing little to prevent water from falling all over you. Soon you arrived to his beautiful home, and quickly settled in. He allowed you to take a shower, took all of your clothes to run through the washer, and gave you some of his spare clothes to wear in the mean time. The hot water soothed your sickly cold feeling skin, the musky mint smelling soap soothing your senses. For the first time in a while, you were relaxed.

After taking a shower, and setting up in his guest room, Giran came into the room. Eyeing you carefully as you sat in the white cotton sheets in his baggy undershirt and basketball shorts. Your wet hair sticking to the back of your head. “Hungry?” he asked. “I’m about to order takeout, what sounds good?”

“Curry, and taiyaki. Haven’t had either in so long.”

“An interesting combination, but I’ll see what I can do. Just relax for now, feel free to hangout in the living room. I got a TV and some books. Do whatever you feel, though.” he grinned at you. Patting the doorway before turning to walk away.

“Giran?” you called out to him.

“Yes?” he replied putting himself back into view.

“Thank you, for everything. I hope I can make it up to you one day.”

“Don’t worry about that now doll, all I care about is keepin’ you safe.” he smiled a genuine smile, which you returned. It was nice to be surrounded by so much hospitality and kindness. He stepped away from the door frame once again to let you do whatever it is you wanted to do. That night you both shared a meal, chatted, and went to bed. He let you take some books into the guest bedroom for you to read whenever you wanted. You felt at ease, like you were finally safe and grounded. You didn’t have to rely on Tomura for anything anymore, you had yourself.

Even though deep down, you missed him. It had been ages since he last held you, kissed you, or even looked at you properly-- but you still missed it. All of it. You wondered if he was doing okay, if he was still with her, or if he even cared if you left. Honestly, you doubted it, he probably would’ve taken a couple days to even realize something was even slightly off. You didn’t regret your decision, but part of you would always miss him.

Always, and forever, love him.

Over the next month or so, the routine was generally the same. Giran learned about what Tomura had done to you and why you were homeless. He decided to let you work with him in his office, you mostly would just organize his files, greet clients (usually ones he needed help convincing because you were the little office eye candy), cleaning around the office, and just overall being his assistant. He respected you, cared for you, and got you back to your feet-- without expecting a thing from you. The two of you were growing closer, and you were nothing but thankful to him. Sometimes the two of you would dress up super fancy to go to meetings for very high up clients who couldn’t be seen anywhere near where Giran worked out of safety for the two of them. It was a quite relaxing life, and you were growing used to everything.

There you sat in your usual spot in Giran’s office, filing some paperwork that needed to be put away. Your office was a little room attached to Giran’s main office, small but comfortable. You’d spend most of the day in there until it was lunch time, or special cases where he needed your charm to make a client more comfortable. You were lost in the groove of the routine that often came with these tasks, listening to the music playing from your laptop speaker that was low enough to be able to hear anyone talking, and not be heard by anyone but you. From time to time stopping to play with the button on your blouse. Giran insisted that you dressed formally for the job, which consisted in business formal attire. Like right now, you were wearing a black button up blouse, dark maroon pencil skirt, tights, and black mary-jane high heeled shoes. A cute little choker chain on your neck to show some more class, and matching simple earrings. You looked formal enough to be doing the job, but also cute enough to just go out in the outfit.

After sitting, and filing for what seemed like hours, you decided to stretch. Getting up from your chair, and popping your limbs. Walking into Giran’s office cautiously. You didn’t hear anyone with him, but you never knew. You lightly knocked on the door frame to get his attention, his face was downwards as he read over some documents at his desk. “Hey bossman, how’s it goin’?” You asked him, leaning into the open frame. His head turned towards you away from the desk, a small smile present on his features.

“Good, good. Just readin’ over this real quick. You need me doll?”

“Oh don’t flatter yourself, I just needed a bit of a break, and you also shouldn’t be stretching your neck out like that. You might hurt yourself.” raising your eyebrows playfully. He scoffed and rolled his eyes.

“Well, it’s almost time for lunch. How about you go out and get us somethin’ to eat? You hungry yet?” he asked pulling a cigarette from his pocket, and placing it on his mouth. Grabbing his metal lighter from the desk to light it, taking a long drag before exhaling the smoke slowly out his nose.

“Hmm... maybe, I’d be okay with getting us something.”

“One sec.” he replied, getting up from his seat to walk to his large trench coat that sat in its place on the coat rack in the corner next to the door. Digging in the pocket of it for something, which he soon found. He took a drag on the cancer stick once more before returning. “Here’s my card.”

“Thanks.”

“Also, you look beautiful today Y/n.” he admitted, leaning against his desk in front of you.

“Are you implying I don’t look beautiful every other day?” you retorted, feeling your face warm up with bashfulness.

“Never, doll. Just thought I’d make you smile.” he leaned towards you. Pulling his cigarettes from his lips to press a kiss to you forehead, your stomach fluttering wildly. Sometimes his little affirmations of affection made you go insane, you sometimes wished you had the confidence and stability to just grab his collar, and kiss him. Sure, he was older, but he was attractive. There was no doubt there, and the feelings were mutual. But you assumed neither of you wanted to ruin what was already going on. “Now get on, it might rain within the next hour. Wouldn’t want you to get wet.”

You smiled, placing your hand on his cheek in an assuring way before walking to the coat rack to grab your warm coat. Turning back to him before exiting the office, a soft smile present on your lips, muttering a quick good bye before opening the door.

Soon you were back with take out bags on your hands, coming up upon the door of the office, knocking, before taking a step in. Happy to see Giran again, and eat your lunch. As your eyes registered upon the desk in front of you, you felt your heart drop into your stomach. Your hands quickly becoming sweaty as your gripped on to the plastic bags you held on to for dear life. There was that familiar light blue colored mop of hair sitting in the chair adjacent from Giran. He was wearing a black trench coat you hadn’t seen him wear since he exchanged his wardrobe for all of the suits, his back was to you, but even then you could still immediately tell it was him. His voice rang in the air, and died quietly as he recognized Giran’s distressed face.

“Giran, what...” he asked, but let the words fall off his tongue, turning his head to look into your direction.

Without waiting, you dropped the bags of food on the ground, turning to open the office door. You quickly walked to the elevator, smashing the buttons on the wall to step in, just wanting to get away from him. You were scared to face him, you refused to, and luckily the buttons outside the elevator dinged, and it opened, you looked back to the office to see Tomura opening the door, catching your gaze. “Y/n! Wait! Please!” he called after you as you rushed inside the elevator, smashing the buttons to close. Your arms and legs trembling violently as you waited for the door to close on him.

“Stop! Y/n please let me-- hey stop!” he called after you, his foot steps and voice growing closer as the door began to close. When it almost came to a close, you saw his panicked red iris, he sounded so distressed that it made you almost want to open up the door, and let him in. But at the same time, you were trembling. You knew he worked with Giran, but you never expected to see him again. Giran tried to promise you that, but he also warned that things were unpredictable, and that he would do his best to keep you safe. You felt tears welt up in your eyes that you tried to blink away, knowing that he most likely was going to beat you to the lobby and confront you anyways.

You loved him.

But could you even forgive him?

#shigaraki x reader #shigaraki tomura x reader #tomura shigaraki fanfiction #tomura shigaraki x reader #giran x reader #giran x reader idk?? kinda??#shigaraki angst #tomura shigaraki angst #angst #bnha au #bnha fan fiction #mha fan fiction #tomura shigaraki #shigaraki #tenko shimura #this is kind of trash i am so sorry #please forgive me i just wanted to post something

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bbugyu · 4 years

Text

how jeonghan knew

a journey with yoon jeonghan, lee seokmin, and you.

there was always something about his infectious laugh and his genuine nature that felt like fate to jeonghan, and maybe you were the muse that kept their red thread in tact.

prelude | part one | part two | part three | epilogue

wc.10662 (LMFAO) | fluff, smut, courtship, angsty in the beginning, polyamory, sugar daddy!jeonghan musician!seokmin escort!reader, hi cheol, hi gyu (again), hi boo, hi wonu, gay pining, jk he's pan probably, discovering sexuality, daddy kink, special guest seokmin!!!!!, threesome, lots of mlm, oral, cumpla, handjobs, choking, butt plugs, male penetration, there's a full on reader-less memberxmember sex scene idk, unprotected sex, please use condoms, jeonghan gets overwhelmed, the TEASING, jeonghan being a home improvement freak, don’t mind han jisung he’s just vibing, required listening is positions (2020) by ariana grande because it’s a perfect album

and here we have poly seokhan: the gayening!!! this is going to be the end of my scheduled updates for neverending artistry, but i’ll be posting an epilogue when i finish it - probably after i post a couple of other fics. this chapter.... is my fave......... i think u will see why lol. i went ahead and got a lil carried away with the house stuff but LISTENNNN i watch a lot of architecture videos ok LFJDSJ

thank you all so much for your continued support and incredible feedback on this series! it seriously means so much to me and i love seeing asks and messages from everyone telling me how excited they are to read more. i hope this satisfies you!!!

jeonghan is pretty sure he always loved seokmin. it wasn't something he would ever be able to change about himself, he figured, as he watched his friend date woman after woman in college with varying seriousness. he decidedly ignored any amount of feelings he harbored for the younger, especially after he dropped architecture as his major and he saw less of him.

jeonghan tried to get over the destined musician (he would always be singing or fiddling with his guitar when he was meant to be helping jeonghan with a diorama) with several women, and after decisively focusing on his career for a couple years, he found success in another man. his short lived gym buddy, but lasted quite a bit longer as his boyfriend. they had connected first when jeonghan had offhandedly commented that he liked the logo on his shirt, to which the long lashed, broad shouldered man had said he had gotten it at the brand's store down the street, making jeonghan chew his cheek before he admitted that he had helped design that location. they connected the second time later that night, clumsily but intensely, and jeonghan liked his plush pouty lips and how his messy black hair felt between his fingers.

while that didn't last forever, he found varied success in other men, and he figured this was why dating women had always been so difficult for him. definitely not that he had been given small choice amongst the rotten apples that attended his college.

he was single again, and at an industry party when he reconnected with an old friend from college who happily reminisced about the fun their small group of friends had back then. he asked if jeonghan remembered seokmin, the guy that dropped the program.

"lee seokmin?" he asked, his brows knitting as he tried to react normally to the name, and mingyu hit his shoulder, laughing.

"yeah! guess what? that son of a bitch is teaching my niece piano!"

jeonghan smiled at the idea of seokmin as a piano teacher, nodding along as mingyu talked about how he had volunteered to take her to her lesson one week, only to be put face to face with a long lost friend. jeonghan laughed as mingyu imitated the face the other had made, laughing harder when he recognized it and remembered seeing it on seokmin's face in the past, then telling mingyu about how he had once pranked him by making the poor guy think that he was going to fail a project because seokmin had accidentally destroyed a diorama. it had already been graded, and he was going to take it apart to save on materials anyways, but the younger nearly cried when he thought he had wasted hours of jeonghan's time and cost him the grade by accidentally kicking it off his desk.

he asked how seokmin was doing these days, and mingyu told him he seemed well, and that he takes his niece to her lessons as often as he can spare, just to chat for a while. "i could give you his number," he said, feeling his pockets for his phone. "i'm sure he'd love to hear from you."

mingyu had been right. seokmin did love hearing from him. and he loved the way seokmin made him laugh with his ever joking tone and physical comedy antics. the way his eyebrows creased as he tried to keep a stern face but was unable to hide the smile across his lips. the way he always fought with him for the check despite jeonghan being older and notably better off.

he didn't love, however, how seokmin nodded his head after the waitress and asked him if he thought he had a shot.

maybe he was desperate, or maybe he wanted an excuse to not date seriously, or maybe he just wasn't ready to let go, but jeonghan continued to invite seokmin out, despite the fact that their relationship would never develop past friends who met in college. he enjoyed his company anyways, even if it felt bittersweet.

he poured himself into his work for several months, taking more contracts than usual and keeping himself occupied, only really seeing others for meetings and constructions, or when he was depressed on a friday night and caved, asking seokmin to join him for drinks somewhere. he continued this cycle for too long, his personal assistant noticing his mood changes before most.

"are you taking your vitamins?"

"yes, seungkwan, i'm taking my vitamins," jeonghan bit back, fully aware that he wasn't asking about vitamins at all, but about his state. confirming he was still making an effort to take care of himself rather than spiraling, sat in his living room on a tuesday after being told by a doctor to rest, for god's sake as a solution to him nearly collapsing several hours earlier. seungkwan shifted on his feet, tongue running over his teeth as he stared at the architect, hands folded in front of him.

"you need to stop seeing him. it only hurts you."

jeonghan sighed, staring at the black screen of his television. "i know."

his assistant studied him. "you should come out with the team sometime," he said. "we get drinks on wednesdays, usually. come tomorrow, it could take your mind off things."

jeonghan looked up at seungkwan, who was clearly sucking on his cheek. he knew he was right. more importantly, seungkwan knew he knew, but jeonghan had a hard time wanting to take his mind off this one specific thing, considering the way this one specific thing laughed like a hyena, poured himself over a piano like an ocean wave, and sang along like an angel. his head fell back on the couch, and he had to take a long, conscious breath to lower the ringing in his ears at the silence. "i'll be there next time."

seungkwan exhaled in defeat, eyes flickering around as he excused himself and said goodnight, knowing his boss was lying.

jeonghan found you on accident - put in an uncomfortable corner by an ultimatum from his publicist and the circulating rumor that he sleeps with men because he can't keep a woman around that seemed to pile on top of everything else on his plate - and the second you opened your mouth, he knew you were special.

he remembered the profile he had seen from your broker, and knew you were attending university. he asked you your major, and when you told him you wanted to produce music for a living, something deep in him stirred. you had been sitting in his car for all of twenty minutes, and you nearly had him under your spell already.

he couldn't understand his fascination with you, but he continued to book you for dates, sometimes deciding what event he would be attending by asking what day you were available that week. he figured if he needed to prove to the world that he wasn't gay (which he was, he was pretty sure), you were the only one he was interested in doing it with.

maybe he had a thing for musicians.

he had taken out quite a few escorts before you, but none of them were nearly as fun. you always did an incredible job engaging in whatever event he brought you to, but also hit his chest as you tried to stifle a laugh at something he muttered into your ear, guiding you away. his friends liked you, too, the few he had. the ones that had met you. yongsun had even tugged him aside briefly, asking if he really liked you. you seemed nice, she had said. and good, in general, but also for him. she wanted to make sure he wasn't just leading you along to quiet some stupid rumor. he glanced at you, smiling wide as you excitedly discussed music with one of his other friends (the fifth and last person he liked at this event, the two of you included), and wasn't quite sure why he told her he actually liked you, but didn't feel the need to correct himself.

then you told him you were quitting, and he realized what he would be losing. then you kissed him, and he realized what he had been feeling. then you looked at him with wide eyes, just as shocked as he was by the explosion of fireworks you had both just experienced, and he realized what he had been missing out on all this time.

he figured he must have always loved you as his eyes scanned the hotel bar, confused at how you had managed to get away so quickly. he was running into the hall to see if you had escaped to the lobby when someone caught his arm.

"hey, you seen yongsun?"

jeonghan blinked at his blonde friend, recognizing her play. "have you seen y/n?"

"try the bathroom," she said, throwing a thumb over her shoulder in the direction she had come from.

he looked down the hall at the restroom signs, nodding. "i saw her at the chocolate fountain a minute ago."

byulyi patted his shoulder as she walked past him. "good luck, yoon."

it felt good telling you the truth, while sitting in your well organized and tastefully decorated studio apartment that you had insisted he would hate, even if he was too scared to admit all of it. why he had needed you before, but wanted you now. his heart nearly beat out of his chest when you agreed to his conditions, though he recognized that he had given you just about every advantage in the deal. it would have been near impossible for you to say no, especially after the way you had kissed him before someone had finally tried to enter the bathroom you were hiding in.

for a while, he only kissed you as a farewell, mostly because he enjoyed the old school romanticism of kissing a beautiful woman in the moonlight, her back against the passenger door of his black vehicle parked on the street outside her studio apartment. then, when he had invited you to his home after the two of you had ditched a boring dinner several hours early, you had curled up in his side to watch a movie. at some point, he caught you staring at him, and you put a hand on his cheek and kissed him sweetly. slowly. kissed him in a way that only made him crave more. you smiled, settling back into his side for the rest of the movie, and even though you had done it unconsciously, the back of your hand rested against his thigh in a way he had a hard time ignoring, and he decided he must have just had real shit taste in women before he had met you.

the following sunday, when you mentioned how pitch black the sky seemed at that late hour, having gotten caught up binging some drama, he not-so-vaguely hinted that he'd be okay with you spending the night in his bed. you eyed him, and he shrugged playfully.

"or i have guest rooms. up to you."

"i have class tomorrow," you tested.

"i can take you," he responded. "if you want."

you paused, watching him as he recorked the wine bottle the two of you had opened earlier in the evening but only managed to have one glass of each before abandoning it to cuddle on the couch. he was always so thoughtful, even in his teasing. he cared about your comfort. he wanted to maintain your boundaries. but it had been a really long time since you had gotten laid, and everything in you yearned to say yes. jeonghan's voice in your head reminded you, no expectations. this could be whatever you wanted out of it.

so you went to bed with him.

jeonghan would swear up and down that you were the most beautiful woman in the world, and his beliefs were only confirmed when he pulled your shirt off of you, dragging your pants down your legs, and got a real look at you for the first time. you felt unexplainably embarrassed under his gaze, asking if he was okay.

"yeah," he said breathlessly, a hand running up your side, your back arching slightly to his touch. he curled over you before he whispered "god, yeah, i'm more than okay," against your lips.

not even ten minutes had passed before you told him you loved him between your panting, and he was so ecstatic when he could tell you, wholly and truthfully, that he loved you, too. and after your pulses had died down and you were falling asleep in his arms, he said that if you were staying under his roof, you were not allowed in any guest rooms. that if you needed space, he would find a different bed to sleep in, because this one looked best with you in it, and he refused to have it any other way.

jeonghan never got bored with you. over time, you began going to his place after events and dinners more than he dropped you off at your apartment, becoming an often enough occurrence that he had asked you one night to fill an online shopping cart with clothes for you to keep in his closet, so you could stop this silly packing bags nonsense. he had already bought you a full set of toiletries for his bathroom, started keeping your favorite snacks in the pantry, and even gone as far as to buy you the house slippers you had offhandedly said were cute when the two of you wandered aimlessly around a mall together. you were becoming a part of his home in more ways than one, and he was happy to have you.

he offered you an unused office on the second floor when you started studying for finals on the peninsula of his kitchen counter one monday afternoon, and you asked what was wrong with you doing it where you were.

"because you're not going to clean it up," he pointed out.

"maybe if we had a rewards system," you argued. "if i clean up, i get a prize."

he laughed, rounding the small jut of countertop, thinking about how he would probably need a proper kitchen island if you were going to be sticking around. "just because i give you an allowance, doesn't mean you're a child. you're not supposed to focus on the baby part of sugar baby."

you pouted as you turned on the stool to face him, a hand gently tugging his tie to pull him into you. "what if i focus on the daddy part of sugar daddy?"

a hunger dropped in jeonghan, gazing down at you as you sat at his kitchen counter, surrounded by textbooks and notes. your eyes sparkled under the lights, and his fingers went behind your neck before he kissed you, muttering against your lips to try calling him that again, angel.

the kitchen remodel had gone about as smoothly as it could have, given the fact that it was nearly impossible to transport such a large slab of granite for his dream island without it snapping in half from its own weight, but they managed, and when the light fixture finally turned on for the first time after the new cabinet doors had been installed, he felt justified in remodeling a kitchen that had hardly needed updating. he felt even more justified when he came downstairs to find you, having woken up in an empty bed, only to have you yell at him as you flipped pancakes on the griddle of his new gas range, saying you were going to bring him breakfast in bed and if he didn't cooperate, he wouldn't see you for a week. he laughed at your threatening spatula, putting his hands up in surrender, unable to stop smiling as he made his way back up the stairs.

you had enrolled in online courses for your last year of school, mostly so you didn't have to be anywhere specific for several hours every day, and instead could keep your schedule massively open to cater to jeonghan's needs. this also meant you usually attended your afternoon lectures at his home, waiting for him to get off work and distract you.

then the two of you started attended wednesday drinks with the team. seungkwan had thanked you, though you hadn't realized that you were deserving of a thanks.

"he'll tell you when he wants to, i guess," he said, twirling the beer in his hand. "but he wasn't in a great place before he met you."

you could hear the subject of your exchange laughing further down the bar, and you wondered what kind of place he meant, but tapped your glass against seungkwan's instead of asking the question. "to better places."

he chuckled, bringing the beer to his lips. "cheers to that."

jeonghan enjoyed having you on his lap on the couch, listening to whatever r&b record you had chosen as you worked your lips against his. he nudged several kisses down your neck, and you mentioned offhandedly that there was a perfect place in his living room for a bar, pointing at the wall behind him. he pulled away from you, turning his body with an arm over the back of the sofa, and his head cocked as he stared at the wall that only held a painting. he silently agreed with you, wondering why you seemed to inspire all his recent projects as you nipped at his neck, drawing his attention back to you with a smile on his face.

the bar was finished in time to hire a bartender for a halloween party. he hadn't told the guests that it was an anniversary party, but you had been made aware of the secret arrangement during a conversation the two of you had over a private meal in your favorite restaurant the week before.

"a threesome," you asked, hoping for clarification.

"with a guy, preferably," jeonghan said. "but i could be convinced to approve of a girl if that's what you would like."

"you're being serious?" you seemed to find yourself asking him that a lot. every time he suggested something that he knew you wanted, you wondered if he was pulling your leg. "and you want me to choose?"

"yeah, at the party," he said, watching you shake your head incredulously with a smile on his face. the two of you had discussed the possibility in the past, and he thought it made a fun gift. an unexpected one, from someone who had enough money to comfortably gift you just about anything. "i have to approve, obviously, but you get to pick the candidates."

you thought a moment. "what if we can't agree on anyone?"

"then i take you to bed alone and we have fun anyways."

he laughed when you squinted at him.

"if the opportunity comes up down the line, we can try again later," he said. "but i thought this would give you something fun to do while i'm hosting guests."

and it had, as you sneakily scoped out the guests, flitting around the party of both familiar and unfamiliar faces in your angelic cheerleading costume. visiting and laughing heartily with the team, as well as your uni friends that jeonghan insisted you invite, offering them more drinks, then saying something about having to play hostess so you could continue your search. byulyi and yongsun were there, and you complimented their matching rapunzel and flynn get up, jeonghan catching you for just a second to ask if you needed anything.

you settled in on one target perhaps too quickly, without even really having made an effort to see all the options. you had been struck by the same sharp cheekbones, puppy dog eyes, and crooked smile that jeonghan had once fallen for. when he saw you tucked into lee seokmin's side, recognizing your flirting even from a distance and noticing how receptive the musician was to it, his heart fluttered, and he couldn't tell if it was a good or bad thing.

a good thing, he decided, when seokmin had asked him permission before he came in you. because, seemingly, sexuality was much more of a spectrum than jeonghan had once thought, and perhaps his college crush just needed the encouragement of an incredible woman to try something a little beyond his experience, much like he had.

and when you wouldn't stop mentioning the musician the two of you had enjoyed the company of while schmoozing guests at the opening of him and his friend's collaborative art exhibit, he got a slick idea. on the way home, he told you that you weren't allowed to make a noise until he hung up the phone, but you were already writhing in the passenger seat just as the phone rang.

and when he answered, you clamped a hand over your mouth, a bare foot landing on the dashboard as you tried to grind against jeonghan's hand, his voice steady as he talked to the younger.

and when he mentioned you, your walls pulsed around his fingers, a smile finding its way into his lips as he spoke. he tried not to take too much pleasure in the way you looked at him with begging eyes and your fist between your teeth, or in the way seokmin's tone dropped as he confirmed that he would get a cab, but he truly couldn't help himself when he made eye contact with seokmin as you sucked him off, his hips canting into yours recklessly, forcing seokmin to break the contact as he reacted to your moan on his cock.

he noticed the way seokmin's hips began to move on their own, begging for enough control to chase his nearing high in your mouth but having it brought right to his doorstep instead. jeonghan felt your perfect heat cling to him in reaction, and before he could think to stop himself, he pulled you into his chest by your throat, not daring to let you claim it all as he lapped cum from your mouth. you whimpered against him, your orgasm lasting impossibly long as he fucked into you, getting milked by your needy walls.

when he caught seokmin staring directly at him, he grinned and wiped the back of his hand across his chin and lower lip, languidly licking any escaped cum off it, and asked if he wanted to try his, too.

seokmin agreed, nodding shakily before jeonghan massaged at your sides, pumping himself into you a few more times. he told you to give seokmin's mouth a ride. you groaned, his cum dripping down your thighs.

jeonghan watched the younger's cock twitch as you moaned over him, one hand on the wall and the other on his scalp, his fingers digging into your thighs. he stared at how it never lost hardness. he didn't even realize that his hands were on seokmin's hip and thigh before he even asked if he could touch him, but a large hand left your thigh to shakily bring jeonghan's to his thick cock, answering the question despite you occupying his mouth, his fingers lingering over jeonghan's as he pumped his length.

he couldn't deny that how badly he wanted to fuck seokmin, but he could settle for making him cum in his hands until he was ready for something more, especially with the surprising amount he had to give after already having cum once. he let himself indulge in a single lick across seokmin's sensitive slit - though it was hard to stop there - triggering a garbled moan before he left to shower.

a week or so later, jeonghan asked you if you were interested in dating seokmin. you put your phone down and rolled over in bed, propped up on your elbows as you asked him what he meant.

"i love you," jeonghan assured, pulling you to lay closer to him. "and i can tell you like him."

you studied his face. "but i'm with you."

"that doesn't have to stop," he said, smiling at you as he tucked a hand behind his head. you eyed his arm briefly, then refocused on him. "but you know how things get in the winter, and i would be okay with you trying things out with him while i'm busy."

"you're being serious?"

jeonghan laughed at the familiar question. "yes, y/n, i'm being serious. i know you want me, but i also know you want more than me."

you had never told anyone about your desire for multiple partners, not even admitted it out loud to yourself, so his candid assessment caught you off guard. "how did you-"

"just little things you've said," he teased, leaving you to question how much you had revealed about yourself without realizing. "besides, no one can deny the chemistry."

you paused. "boundaries?"

"just tell me," he said, putting his arms around you and tugging you into him. "i just want to know when you're seeing him. and, eventually, i would like to be invited every once in a while."

"invited to dates?" you asked, throwing a leg over his lap to straddle it as you laid over him. "or invited to bed?"

he smiled up at you, hands running over your rear. "either. both. whatever you two want."

you agreed, but only after you made him promise he would tell you if anything changed for him. that he had to tell you about every doubt and worry he had. "i'll always choose you," you stated plainly, lips brushing against his as he gently rolled his growing length up against your clothed heat. "no matter what, i'll choose you."

"i know, sweetheart," he said, a hand on your cheek as he kissed you. "i promise."

after he came back from a business trip in december, you admitted to him that you and seokmin had exchanged i love yous, and he just put an arm over your shoulder and turned down the volume on the tv, telling you that he was pretty sure he loved seokmin, too.

"it was him, wasn't it?" you asked, studying his profile. "he was the guy you couldn't get over?"

jeonghan rubbed his face with one hand, sighing. "yeah, it was him."

"why didn't you say anything?"

he thought a moment. "i didn't want you to feel obligated, i guess."

your fingers straightened the seams of his long sleeved shirt across his shoulder. "obligated to win him over for you?"

"obligated to love him, too."

"jokes on you," you giggled. "he's very easy to fall in love with."

jeonghan supposed that was true, thinking of how quickly he had fallen for him, even back before he had admitted he liked men. how he had fallen into the same spot even years later, just over a shared meal and a few bottles of soju.

but you were easy to fall in love with too, he thought, remembering how he hadn't even understood his feelings towards you until you had kissed him, but he had felt them strong enough to want you to stay by his side anyways. maybe jeonghan just fell easily, but maybe he was lucky enough to have found his people at such a young age.

you settled back into the crook of his arm and asked him what he thought about seokmin coming over to join you two for christmas. while much of the world celebrated with family, it was more of a hallmark holiday in korea, often times spent with a long time sweetheart or a budding romance. or both, in your case, jeonghan supposed, when you were distracted trying to find the third christmas music lp you had specifically gotten for the occasion (out of eight, of course, because you didn't want to run out of christmas music). he was leaning against the tasteful home bar that had been hardly touched since halloween when seokmin shyly admitted that he knew jeonghan was interested in him.

he said nothing for a moment. "she told you?"

"kind of, back when you were in japan, but-" seokmin paused. "i think she was just suspicious, but i should have known. you were always too kind to me."

"not too kind," jeonghan said, hiding behind his wine as he sipped at it, trying not to show his embarrassment.

"i think i'm interested, too."

he looked at seokmin, who was staring down at his hands. "are you sure?"

"i'm-" he paused, catching jeonghan's eyes for only a second before scratching the back of his neck. "i think so. i've never even thought about doing anything with - uh - men. until you."

"that's okay," jeonghan said, looking to where you were flipping through records. "i didn't like women until y/n."

seokmin faltered. "wait, really?"

he nodded, a small smile on his face. "i thought i was gay. turns out i'm not."

"but you-" the musician stretched his jaw. "weren't you kind of a player in college?"

he almost said something about how having sex to meet an end and keep an appearance was different than enjoying it, but stopped himself when you announced that you had found the lost record, switching the lps with a flourish and setting the player again. and while he was curious about the level of seokmin's interest in him, he was happy to leave the conversation where it stood when you excitedly rejoined them at the bar.

"do you think i could be a bartender?" you asked, leaning over the counter and grabbing an unused shaker.

"probably," seokmin said.

"for sure no," jeonghan laughed.

you pouted at the latter, holding the shaker between your hands as you directed your attention to the former. "thank you, seokmin. i appreciate you encouraging my dreams."

"any time," he joked.

jeonghan rolled his eyes. "what about that music degree i'm paying for?" he asked, taking another sip.

"just because you've known what you wanted to do forever, doesn't mean everyone does. maybe i'll change my mind." you tried to spin the shaker in your hand, but the force you used was too little and it stopped on your palm too quickly, clumsily clattering to the counter. you stilled it, exhaling sharply when jeonghan giggled beside you, looking to seokmin. "he might be right."

"it's almost like i know you," jeonghan teased, nudging you. "she was convinced she could become my personal bartender for all of two weeks."

"i tried," you whined. seokmin laughed. "the tricks are harder than they look."

"and you hated shaking drinks."

you put the shaker back, defeated. "the ice made it cold."

"isn't that the point?" seokmin asked.

jeonghan smiled at you. "you're lucky i like wine."

"i'm gonna talk to you now," you announced, turning your body to seokmin. "because you're nicer to me than he is."

"aw," the architect chuckled, and seokmin watched you react to a squeeze at your butt. "did he make you soft? can't take my teasing anymore?"

you ignored him, trying to ask the man in front of you about his lessons, but you yelped when his hand firmly landed on your ass, grabbing seokmin's arm in reaction. he looked at you, seemingly just as shocked, and you tried to continue the conversation, but jeonghan's hand didn't leave, and your entire body was reacting to the way it was slowly hiking up your skirt and running between your thighs.

your eyes fell shut, and you muttered for him to cut it out as your grip on seokmin's arm tightened, but jeonghan just made eye contact with the other male, asking him instead if he should.

without thinking, seokmin shook his head and put his hands on your jaw, pulling you in to kiss him. your moan against his lips was involuntary, and jeonghan grinned as his fingers ran over your core, making you whine.

"did you tell him?" you gasped out, asking seokmin with hooded eyes. he shook his head, saying that he hadn't told him everything.

"told me what?" jeonghan asked, interest piqued as he put down his glass, pulling his hand out from your skirt and placing them on your hips instead, squeezing gently as he stood behind you, and your head fell back into his shoulder without much intention as you licked your lips. "seokmin?"

he pulled his gaze, trained on your mouth, to look at jeonghan, and he felt his breath stop in his throat as he fully processed the sight in front of him. you gasped again, as jeonghan's hand came up to knead at your breast, and you tried to pull seokmin closer, but he didn't stop moving even when he was pressed against you.

jeonghan thought he might faint. he wasn't sure what he had been expecting, but when seokmin's hand found the back of his neck and pulled him over your shoulder, his mind went blank. when his lips found his, his vision went white. when he felt his tongue against the inside of his teeth, he couldn't help but moan, one hand gripping your waist and the other aimlessly tugging on seokmin's shirt, seemingly just to hold something that belonged to him.

"fuck, okay," jeonghan breathed, staring after the musicians lips even when they left. you giggled, recognizing the feeling. "okay," he repeated. "got it. understood."

you spun around, hands on jeonghan's chest. "we prepared something for you," you said, and seokmin's cheeks and ears were bright red when he sheepishly nodded with you.

jeonghan looked between the two of you, swallowing suddenly. "what?"

you tugged on his hand, then grabbed seokmin's, too, when he didn't move right away, leading them both to walk around the couch. you pulled jeonghan onto the cushions with you, kissing him briefly before he realized someone was between his knees. when he saw him, that was when jeonghan's dick woke up, suddenly realizing what was happening.

"be nice," you muttered against the shell of his ear, your hand running down his torso. "it's his first time."

seokmin's hands were strong but gentle, and despite never having touched a dick that wasn't attached to him, he knew what felt good. he needed a bit of guidance from you to begin, less from lack of knowing the process and more because he was nervous, but quickly found a comfortable rhythm. jeonghan sighed when he finally got pulled out of his pants, and you were sucking a mark into his neck, his arm wrapped around you and his hand kneading at your rear. his eyes could hardly stay open when seokmin ran his flattened tongue up the underside of his cock.

"isn't he pretty?" you asked, whispering, a smile on your lips.

he groaned, threading his fingers behind seokmin's ear, desperately trying to hold back his release because he hasn't even put you in his mouth, yet, jeonghan, for god's sake, keep it together. the younger's eyes flickered up to his, and he nearly came just from the feeling of his soft lips around his member, sinking slowly.

"fuck, you're too good at this," jeonghan said, the half chuckle on his lips falling quickly when seokmin's tongue ran over a vein, the warmth of his mouth feeling like heaven. his teeth bit down on his lower lip, watching your hand run through seokmin's hair. he hummed at the contact, his grip tightening slightly, sending a jolt through jeonghan's system. "fuck, i'm gonna cum already."

"there were lessons," you giggled, your hands wrapping casually around his neck. his breathing hitched, eyes falling shut, focusing on the mouth sheathing his cock as he recognized your fidgeting fingers over his pulse. "merry christmas, daddy."

he inhaled sharply right before you squeezed at his throat, and he thought that he should maybe let you lead more often if it was going to feel this good. seokmin seemed surprised by the feeling of jeonghan cumming in his mouth, but he did his best to pump every drop from him, swallowing thickly. you only smiled when jeonghan sat up, leaving you behind as he pulled seokmin's face to his, his hands running up jeonghan's thighs as he kissed him.

jeonghan decided the sunroom extension was all wrong, and that he'd have to redo it.

"you just built that," wonwoo said, having been the contractor that oversaw the construction. "besides, it's snowy season, we can't do outdoor construction. you'll have to wait til spring."

"not outdoor," jeonghan said, rolling out the drafting papers he had drawn up over the course of his new year break, the final pieces being completed in the wee hours of that morning. he had sent wonwoo a text as soon as he thought he would be awake, asking for a meeting despite it only being two days after the new year. "the shell can stay the same, we just need to build indoors. besides, i need this done in february."

wonwoo blinked at him. "when in february?"

"it has to be fully furnished by the 18th."

the contractor laughed at the deadline, only a month and a half out, as he looked over jeonghan's drafts. it would be a tight schedule, considering the structural changes he wanted, but he recognized his long time work partner's determination and knew there was little he could do to argue. "okay. let's get to work."

he turned down a contract for a café to make time for the new home project, but not before recommending they contact a kim mingyu, giving him the vaguest thank you for introducing seokmin back into his life. he didn't have time to draw several attempted variations of every café he had ever designed, he was too busy mapping out the logistics of adding a lofted space to the two story sunroom. too busy planning to tear out the outer wall of your office and picking the right sliding glass doors that would lead to the loft. you had to ask him several days in a row before he finally told you what he had planned.

"a music room?"

he tried to gauge your reaction. "is it crazy?"

you broke out into a smile, studying his design, gripping the mug that held your latté that morning. "absolutely, but i love it."

he asked you to help him pick instruments, saying his wishlist included a white grand piano and three to five guitars that could be displayed together. he also told you to pick out your dream computer setup for production - you were graduating that year, afterall, and it was about time you started using something other than your laptop and a midi controller to make music - and you almost started crying from how fucking excited that made you.

hiding the plans from seokmin was the hardest part, especially when he started spending weekends at the house. he saw the construction area often, and one friday afternoon, he had even asked if he could help, leaving you to usher him away and assure him that jeonghan didn't like help when it came to these things. he believed the white lie, allowing you to distract him with the option of watching shit television in bed, even convincing him that tonight was the night to surprise his new boyfriend. seokmin laid in bed with his arms wrapped around you, trying not to move too much, fully aware that even the slightest movements in his body caused his dick to come to life, until the last of the workers left and jeonghan appeared, asking if there were dinner requests before he went to take a shower.

seokmin had been training with you for over a week. you had bought him some toys, even helped him try them out in the comfort of his loft, and he got increasingly excited - generally, but also in those moments - to show jeonghan what he had learned. the surprise he had been keeping had already made him beg you to cockwarm him as he waited, but you refused on account of knowing him, and by extension, knowing that he would not being able to stop himself. he had a bit more confidence, though it may have only been fueled by horniness, when he pulled the vaguely sweaty architect toward him on the bed. he tried to say something about how he should really wash up, but seokmin just kissed him, hands gripping around his skull in desperation, his dick already hard against jeonghan's pelvis.

jeonghan's hands wandered, as they usually did, and when he reached down to palm at seokmin's ass, he reacted in a way that earned him a questioning glance.

"we - ah-" his eyes shut, jeonghan's hands getting closer to his surprise. "she's been helping me-"

and that was when he felt it. the small, hard handle of a plug, situated between seokmin's perky asscheeks, easy to feel through the loose fabric of his shorts, and jeonghan felt his arousal tenting his pants just from the concept.

jeonghan hadn't even noticed your movement off the bed until a bottle of lube hit his leg, looking down at it briefly before looking to you.

"i'm gonna go clean up," you said, running a hand through your hair as you retreated to the bathroom, leaving jeonghan with an already flustered seokmin.

before long, he had him on his back, naked, and finally got to see how sweet his little ass looked when jeonghan pushed his knees towards his chest. when he saw the black knob fitting tightly into his hole, he groaned, his own bare cock flinching in need. he put a hand on seokmin's dick, gripping it lightly, then put a thumb against the plug.

"nngh- fuck," seokmin stammered, fingers gripping at the bedsheets as his neck stretched out against the pillows, bucking into the hand wrapped around him. "j-jeonghan…"

"this is cute," he said, slowly moving his thumb in a circular motion, the plug's movement making seokmin let out choked moans. "but i really need to play with you now."

seokmin nodded, hurriedly, brows knit together. "please."

he hooked his fingers under the knob of the plug, slowly pulling it out and relishing in the reaction. the younger's back arched in a way that jeonghan wished he could see from every angle, knowing that the way his shoulders and back looked must have been incredible, but satisfied by just watching the way his mouth hung open and his eyes clamped shut, his fingers gripping at jeonghan's hand where it stayed on his dick.

he began to pump the dick in his palm, setting aside the plug and grabbing the lube, popping it open with just his left hand and quickly squirting a healthy amount onto the tip of seokmin's penis, making quick work of spreading it completely over the engorged member, the slickness making him moan even louder and reach out for jeonghan's shoulders.

he let seokmin tug him over him, kissing him briefly before looking down at where the younger's thighs spread over his, wanting nothing more than to just fuck him already.

jeonghan's hand left seokmin's cock, leaving him whining against his lips, but it was short lived as his lubed fingers slid down to his puckered hole.

"seokmin," he muttered, studying his face. "you're sure, right?"

"fuck, i've been wanting this for since christmas, jeonghan," he sputtered out, eyes barely able to focus when there were fingers teasing his entrance. "yes, please, i'm sure."

jeonghan slid a digit into the tight hole, watching seokmin's face as his brows creased and his head fell back, a moan tumbling from his lips. another finger, jeonghan decided, and the reaction was similar, making him smirk.

"god, you're ready, aren't you?"

"please," he begged. "i want you."

jeonghan sat back, and the musician got on his elbows to watch as he readied his cock with lube, putting more on his finger and spreading it around seokmin's hole. he whined when jeonghan placed the head of his dick at his entrance, tugging him over him again.

"i'll go slow, okay?" jeonghan assured him. "tell me if i need to stop."

seokmin just nodded, eyes trained on his, and they locked lips as jeonghan pushed his hips forward slowly, the man under him immediately moaning and huffing against his mouth.

jeonghan really liked sex with seokmin. he also really liked sex with you. but he was pretty sure he liked it the most when you were both present.

seokmin didn't walk right for a day and a half, and while he was slightly embarrassed, you told him it was a badge of honor he should wear proudly. afterall, he had done the same to you on halloween.

"how's your butt?" you asked when he came down the stairs, the sunday morning after they had done the deed without you, making him choke out a laugh as you got his tea out of a cabinet in jeonghan's kitchen.

"better than yesterday," he said, gingerly seating himself at a stool. "but not as good as friday."

you eyed him. "before or during?"

seokmin thought a second. "both."

"good morning," jeonghan said, quickly planting kisses on the man and then you, cheek and lips respectively based on the convenience as he walked past you, making his way to the espresso machine. "i think i'm gonna work on the sunroom today."

"today?" you asked. "wonwoo's gonna say no."

"wonwoo isn't getting invited. i still have to find furniture," he said, rinsing out the espresso shot glass and wiping down the portafilter. "we're getting close to deadline, i need boo to order the upholstery job on tuesday and i have a meeting tomorrow."

"when's deadline?" seokmin asked, wondering why he had one for a home project.

jeonghan blinked at the wall, not even turning towards the younger. "don't worry your pretty head about it."

you pouted, closing the short distance and wrapping your arms around him, your chin on his shoulder. "it's sunday. can't we cuddled puddle?"

"you mean like we do every night?" jeonghan asked, but grinding espresso beans so you couldn't answer the rhetorical question, packing down the grounds. "if you want to cuddle puddle, don't get out of bed so early."

you huffed as you dropped your arms, leaving him to prep a glass for his americano. "whatever. seokmin and i will have fun without you."

"what kind of fun?"

you stick your tongue out at him, using a teasing voice when you said "wouldn't you like to know."

innocent fun, was the truth, but you thought it was a victimless bluff. you spent the morning sitting on the couch with seokmin while a record played, discussing everything from your favorite movies to your weirdest dreams. you had to get up every six songs or so to flip or change the record, but seokmin liked that every time you rejoined him on the couch, you got closer to his side until you were eventually snuggling into his side, arms wrapped around his torso.

the innocence stopped when jeonghan emerged from his study, joining the two of you for a break. he planted himself on the other side of seokmin, under his arm, letting his hand not-so-subtly run over his thigh. you noticed the contact, peeking around to jeonghan.

"what kind of break are you looking for, hannie?"

he adjusted. "an inspiring one."

you giggled, recognizing the euphemism he used whenever he was stuck on something for work as you leaned back again. "that means he's horny."

seokmin sputtered out a laugh, jeonghan chuckling at your direct observation. "it's hard to not think about you two sitting out here, having fun without me."

"you may not believe it," seokmin said. "but i don't think sex was even on the table for us two today."

jeonghan's eyes met his, and he swallowed harshly. "can it be on the table for all three of us?"

the comfort of returning to bed was hard to deny, especially when they had you laid out against seokmin's chest as he was pressed against the headboard, his mouth attached to your neck and his fingers twisting a nipple, all while jeonghan was digging his digits further into you with his tongue flicking against your clit.

seokmin grunted, rutting his hips against your back. "fuck, he looks good there."

you gasped, nodding, biting at your lip as he kneaded your breast, your fingers digging into jeonghan's hair. "you both do."

jeonghan never struggled to pull you apart, his deft fingers and teasing lips making you squirm and moan until you were shaking, mouth hanging open as your vision blurred and he told you you tasted like candy.

"minnie," jeonghan prompted, making the younger sit up with you whining against him to clean your taste off his fingers. his dick throbbed in need, watching the singer's agile tongue against him, wishing it wasn't just on his fingers.

seokmin had to practically beg jeonghan to fuck him again, but his only hesitation was that he may not have recovered yet. seokmin was on his back and gripped at jeonghan's thighs, urging him forward as your hand twisted around his thick, throbbing cock.

jeonghan swallowed, pausing despite being covered in lube and in position. "you're sure?"

"yes," seokmin said, gasping at your hand on him. "jeonghan, i appreciate you asking, but i'm always sure when it comes to you."

you weren't sure you had ever seen jeonghan blush like that in bed, and you smiled against seokmin's neck as he groaned, his cock firming in your grasp as the older pushed into him. you admired seokmin's silent scream, his head lolling to one side at the feeling.

"angel," jeonghan sighed, settling into the way seokmin squeezed around him. "what do you wanna do?"

you teased a thumb over seokmin's slit. "i wanna ride."

"f-fuuck-" seokmin panted, his hips resting against jeonghan's spread thighs as his knees hung to either side. "i'm not- nngh- gonna last."

"you don't have to," you said matter of factly, adjusting to straddle his torso. jeonghan winced, watching your form as he pumped into seokmin. "we're done when daddy says so."

you put your hand, palm up, over your shoulder, and jeonghan chuckled at the recognized motion for him to spit on your fingers - usually, so that you could slick his dick to sit back on it. you worked jeonghan's spit over seokmin's engorged cock, then slowly lowered yourself onto him.

seokmin stared up at you, eyes fluttering and mouth open, suddenly not only feeling impossibly full, but also absolutely stuffed into you. he moaned out loud when jeonghan bumped into his spot, overwhelmed by the simultaneous pleasure. you fell forward onto his chest, holding yourself up with shaky arms as your face hovered over his, both of you trying to hold off your own demises.

then, jeonghan pushed himself deep into seokmin, who whined, his dick pushing up against your cervix. you nearly collapsed, whimpering as your forehead fell to his, gasping into a desperate kiss. jeonghan groaned, his hand running over your hip as he looked at the intersection of you all, staring at the way you barely contained all of seokmin before he leaned forward and kissed your spine.

"you two will kill me," he said, one hand holding you firmly at your waist while the other gripped seokmin's thigh as he picked up his pace. you both moaned, fingernails digging into the plushest part of your thigh when seokmin questioned how much longer he could hold out at jeonghan's unrelenting pace.

a long, high pitched whine fell from his lips. "fuck, i need to cum," he rushed out, bleary eyes barely opening as he looked at you.

"hang on, baby," jeonghan said. "ladies first."

you babbled against seokmin's lips, somehow never being able to get used to the way he filled you, though jeonghan pushing him into you didn't help. you could do nothing but repeat curses in increasing pitch, pushing your face into seokmin's neck as your walls clamped down around him. his mouth gaped, desperately trying to not succumb to your plush insides before he got the okay.

jeonghan smiled at how seokmin tried to focus on him, despite his hands gripping you as you shook against him. "go ahead, baby."

so seokmin went. and god, he went, coating you internally, immediately squeezing out around his stuffed cock and onto his lap, making jeonghan pant as he kept his hips moving, chasing his own end. he leaned forward, chest pressing against your back as he fucked into seokmin, not stopping until his eyes were clamped shut and he was painting his walls white.

there was a long period of time where none of you moved, then another after you had all managed to untangle from each other. jeonghan sat back, leaning against a hand and scratching his brow as he breathed heavily.

"bathtub cuddle puddle?"

you laughed, chest heaving as you looked over to him, but it was seokmin who spoke. "that sounds nice."

he started to get suspicious when his birthday got closer.

jeonghan told you to suggest a dinner outing for that night to divert attention, but he had caught you moving one of the guitars for the music room only a few days before his birthday, and he looked at you with squinted eyes when he asked if it was for him and you hurriedly said no, hiding the guitar behind your back despite him clearly being able to see it.

"i panicked," you told jeonghan, eyes wide. "he saw it in me. he could tell it wasn't just the guitar."

"it'll be fine, y/n," he said, pushing around potted plants until they satisfied him. "he has to think it's weird that we haven't let him see this room yet, anyways."

you chewed your cheek, looking around the almost completed sunroom. the tall windows showed the light snowflakes falling from the sky, not quite thick enough to leave a layer but enough to make the enclosed yard look slightly pastel. despite the open space that looked out into the cold seoul winter, it stayed cozy, heat radiating from the floorboards and the faux fur rugs laid across them. the space near the entrance had a raised floor with a grand piano, along with several guitars hanging upon the wall, while the area partially covered by the balcony had two heavily cushioned, dark heather gray couches and a bright armchair, adorned with pillows and cable knit blankets.

jeonghan had a slight obsessive nature when it came to his home projects. he was meticulous with contracts, too, but he truly wanted this house to be perfect - not just for him, but for the people he loved. so you watched him rearrange pillows about four more times before you ran up the stairs to the loft to see if he had changed anything there since you had looked the day before.

it almost felt as though it was outdoors, with plants hanging off the edge of the railing and the rustic desk he had originally picked for your office placed to one side. you imagined doing schoolwork here, fantasizing slightly about watching seokmin play piano from your vantage point as you wrote essays. you slid open the glass doors to peek into your new office.

he had painted the walls white, taking a hint from the styling in your own apartment when he picked out a neutral toned couch and light wood shelving, your early graduation present of a computer set up spread across an L shaped desk. he had even paid to have your upright piano moved here, and cut into the next room over to give you more space for an electric drumset. you couldn't help but smile, imagining your friends coming over to record stuff with you. you had always felt strange about inviting them to your rich boyfriend's house, despite him insisting they were welcome, but he had really gone through the trouble of making a room so perfect for all of them that you had no choice.

and it was brighter, you thought. you had told him you worked better in bright spaces.

despite jeonghan's promises, the music room renovation felt like it was as much a gift for you as it was for seokmin. though, maybe he couldn't help it, when the reasons he loved you both overlapped so much.

you went to seokmin's apartment the next day with a bagged gift for him, arriving again right as his client was leaving, and you smiled at the same young man you had seen the first time you had come to visit seokmin. you knew his name now, not because you had spoken to him much, but because you had been told about him by his teacher, and you congratulated him on getting a gig the upcoming weekend.

"oh," jisung said, glancing between the two of you. "he talks about me?"

you laughed and gave him a fighting, seokmin looking upwards to hide his embarrassment as he ushered his student toward the door. "have a nice week, jisung! i'll try to be there this weekend," he said, throwing you a look as you giggled.

"it's not for guitar, you don't have to come," the younger assured. "but if you want to, bring your girlfriend!"

"yeah!" you said, putting your fists on your hips. "i'm getting you dinner for your birthday tonight, the least you can do is take me to an underground rap show!"

"okay, both of you, no more talking," seokmin said, trying and failing to prevent jisung from stopping in his tracks at the news that it was his birthday.

"woah, teach, happy birthday!" he laughed. "you weren't gonna say anything?" he kept talking even as his teacher pushed him out of his apartment.

you couldn't stop grinning when the door closed, seokmin turning to you. he pointed at you, trying to hide his smile as he could only get out a vaguely annoyed "you."

"happy birthday, baby," you said, wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him into a kiss. he softened against you, smiling as you pulled away, his hands on your waist as he thanked you quietly.

"he asks about you a lot," seokmin said, joining you when you laughed at the fact. "i think he has a crush on you."

you rolled your eyes. "stop bragging about me, then."

"i don't brag," he said, smiling into another kiss. "i just tell the truth. i can't help that you're a dream come true."

you only pulled away from him to grab the two thick paper bags that you had set on his couch. "c'mon, we gotta head out. open your presents."

seokmin's mouth dropped open when he saw the logo on the bag. "wait, you didn't."

"i had to," you said, giggling as he grabbed one and tugged it open, moving to the couch to pull the garment out. "you said you wanted it."

"where did you find one?" he asked, staring at the corduroy parka from the brand you saw him wear constantly. "they've been sold out for weeks!"

"i got it before then, duh." you poked his cheek when he pouted at you, his eyebrows knit. "there's more, stop getting distracted."

seokmin hugged you extra tight as a thank you for his romantic crown haul, and he decisively pulled on the golden yellow shirt with the pizza on the back, making you grin at how perfectly jeonghan had predicted his thought process before you dragged him out of his apartment to go get dinner.

"we're just picking it up," you said, jangling a keychain. he gave you a quirked eyebrow, and you giggled, pulling him over to jeonghan's car. "do you wanna see it self drive?"

you pushed the side door closed with your butt and called out to jeonghan, saying the birthday boy was here. seokmin took the pizza boxes from your arms and put them on the kitchen counter as jeonghan walked around the stairs.

"well one of us has to change," jeonghan said facetiously, and seokmin looked down at the yellow shirt peeking through his half zipped parka, looking back up at jeonghan, who was wearing the same shirt.

"wait wait wait," you giggled, turning around to undo the zipper of your own jacket, pulling it open as you spun around to reveal that you, too, were wearing the shirt.

seokmin looked between you two with wide eyes, his eyebrows creasing. "you got us matching shirts?"

"pizza shirt gang!" you giggled, stripping off your jacket. "do you like them?"

he smiled into a disbelieving laugh. "how did you know i would put it on?"

"because we know you, minnie," jeonghan said, reaching for his hand after he took off his new coat. "before we eat, i finished the sunroom today, wanna see it?"

"hang on," seokmin stopped, making his hand fall from jeonghan's. "that's not the gift, right?" he looked at you. "the sunroom isn't the gift?"

you pursed your lips, looking at the ceiling, and seokmin started to argue, making jeonghan laughed. "who cares if it's for you, i just want you to come look at it."

jeonghan is pretty sure he always loved seokmin. it wasn't something he would ever be able to change about himself, he figured, as he watched his lover cover his face with his hands, sinking to crouch on the floor as his eyes looked around the large room that was lit by fairy light. the first thing he had seen was the piano, which made him gasp, then he saw the guitars, and looked at your smiling face, suddenly connecting dots, unable to stay standing from the shock as he understood why he hadn't been allowed to help.

and then he started crying.

the two of you ushered him to a couch, sitting him down as he sniffed back the tears. you sat beside him, wrapping your arms around his shoulder and cooing, jeonghan crouching on the floor in front of him.

"i'm sorry," jeonghan said, smiling slightly as he gave him an apologetic look. "i didn't mean to overwhelm you."

seokmin choked on a laugh, wiping at his cheeks. "how did you think i'd react?"

"i don't think he thought about it," you whispered, knowing full well jeonghan could hear you.

"i got a little carried away," he admitted, hand rubbing comforting circles on seokmin's leg. "you're special to me, so i wanted to make something special for you."

"this," seokmin said, looking around, gesturing at his surroundings. "this?"

the older huffed out a laugh, almost embarrassed. "yeah, this."

seokmin laughed too, eyes wet as he looked into the other's. "i can't believe you would make something this incredible for me."

"you're incredible," jeonghan said. "i want you to feel welcome in my home."

"i couldn't believe the record wall, either," you offered when seokmin seemed speechless, pressing your cheek against the his shoulder, hand rubbing his back. "jeonghan's love language is a little unique."

seokmin sniffed one more time, studying jeonghan's face, his brow creasing ever so slightly. "holy shit, i'm in love with you."

your heart stopped as you pulled away slightly to look at him, then jeonghan, who was frozen.

"i didn't realize that's what this was," seokmin said, hand gripping the one on his thigh. "i knew i liked you, but this is-"

jeonghan rose quickly, seating himself at seokmin's other side and kissed him. "i love you," he said, thumbs wiping over his slightly damp cheekbones. "it's taken me years to admit it, but i love you."

seokmin kissed him again in response, his face feeling hot from the continued attention. he broke away, only to look around the room again, jeonghan studying his face with a smile as he did.

"i think," seokmin said, clearing his throat when the words came out weak. he looked to you, then to jeonghan. "i think this is the best birthday i've ever had."

jeonghan laughed. "we haven't even had the pizza yet."

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skellebonez · 4 years

Note

You like soulmate aus? 44 with a soulmate au where there are countdown timers for important events and if you concentrate you can see the lifespan of your romantic and platonic soulmates except immortals. MK realizes he can see Red Son's life countdown and he only has 1 year left

ANON I WANT YOU TO KNOW THIS WAS THE SADDEST PROMPT I HAVE EVER BEEN GIVEN AND I HAD TO TAKE IT OUT OF THE WAIT LIST TO FILL IT ASAP. Just. Damn. You came for my heart and crushed it. @kitkat1003 you helped make this sadder so I wanna make sure you see this.

WARNING: I mean, look at the prompt. It's gonna be a depressing read regardless. Read the tags for a major spoiler if you want to know about the end in advance.

The Lunar New Year special is mentioned in passing but NO SPOILERS.

Why are you still awake?

MK never made it a point to concentrate and look at his soulmate timers unless he really felt he had to, tempting as it may have been. Especially not their life countdown timers. The colors one saw differed from from viewer to viewer, some people even saw only one color in varying shades, and no one knew why the colors were chosen the way they were for each individual. But to MK the timers were a whole swath of colors.

It was easy with Mei, her platonic bond with his allowing him to see the bright green (green for all platonic bonds, not just Mei) countdowns to major events (some bad but usually good, like a major race being announced or taking part in a game tournament spontaneously). The familial blue bond he had with Pigsy and Tang went much the same, as well as Sandy's own platonic bond. He didn't learn that immortal beings had their own color, brilliant gold tinted in whatever the proper bond was until he met Sun Wukong, his gold-green timer slowly changing into a gold-blue bond of family found.

It wasn't until Red Son that MK realized his romantic bonds were a brilliant red (which, in retrospect, could have been seen as funny), shining brilliant and bright and almost blinding him when he caught sight of him properly from far above him (and it nearly made him fall before Wukong forced him to, the traitor). He'd mistaken it for some kind of antagonistic bond before he learned that that was also a type of platonic soulmate. So that was something he shoved deep deep deeeeeep down inside to think about later, especially since a lot of people now a days rarely went after their first romantic soulmate and instead waited for a platonic to change in time.

He never told anyone.

It also wasn't until he tested concentrating on timers with Wukong, for fun and out of sheer curiosity if he really was super immortal, that he realized that immortal's life countdown timer just looked like a mass of rapidly changing numbers screaming in confusion and he decided to never do that again.

Until... the Lunar New Year celebration.

He was curious, scared, and Red Son was there and he let his curiosity get the better of him. He wanted to see if Red was still immortal and if his timer did the same thing.

361 days, 17 hours, 8 minutes, and 42 seconds.

That couldn't have been right.

He tried again.

361 days, 17 hours, 7 minutes, and 30 seconds.

And again.

361 days, 16 hours, 56 minutes, and 45 seconds.

And one last time, after everything was over.

361 days, 12 hours, 1 minute, 29 seconds.

Red Son... had less than a year left to live. Red Son, The Boy Sage Prince, the one who almost defeated Sun Wukong on his journey and eternal thorn in his side... was going to die.

MK hadn't ever really imagined that he could die. He had believed that Red Son was immortal, and maybe he still was. There were ways to kill immortals who weren't all powerful Monkey Kings. But he'd always imagined that, maybe, eventually, they could possibly at least work things out and get to know each other eventually after what happened with WBS.

Now he was plagued with the thought 'what if I'm the one who kills him' and he couldn't handle that so he made up his mind then and there and before Red Son could leave he grabbed him by his jacket collar in front of everyone and changed that thought to 'fuck it' and kissed him and pulled away and looked DBK in the eye and announced "I've known Red is my romantic soulmate since day 1 and I am not wasting anymore time with stupid feuds".

Apparently that was just enough to startle the other man into not attacking and to send Sun Wukong into a frenzy of cackling "I KNEW IT"s.

Red Son turned as red as his jacket on his cheeks and just looked at MK in awe. They had-

361 days, 10 hours, 2 minutes, 16 seconds.

Red hadn't left his parents, not immediately, but the sudden relationship that have been revealed between the successor to the Monkey King and the son of the Demon Bull King had forced everything to a standstill. DBK wanted revenge, PIF wanted her husband to be happy, Sun Wukong wanted to be retired, and all three of them were too stubborn to not insist the two men court each other anyway because tradition dictated that when a romantic soulmate pair revealed their bond no one could force them apart.

352 days, 14 hours, 34 minutes, 18 seconds.

MK felt back constantly checking Red Son's timer, but he didn't want to waste a single second. They had less than a year. He'd seen just how smart and resourceful and, as much as he didn't want to admit it at first, protective and caring for the people he had grown close to he was.

By the end of the month they had moved into Red Son's apartment (he had an apartment?).

322 days, 2 hours, 28 minutes, 50 seconds.

MK learned that Red Son was a fantastic chef, on par with Pigsy even. His food was spicy but over time he learned that MK would suffer through food that was hurting him just to try his food and make it less so. Just for him.

315 days, 2 hours, 45 minutes, 34 seconds.

They kissed for the second time well after they had moved in together. Despite rushing into this they had both been too nervous and flustered to do more than hold hands and sleep side by side in different blankets.

They started sharing a blanket by month 2.

292 days, 8 hours, 1 minute, 12 seconds.

DBK was still pissed at Wukong. No one thought his grudge would ever fully disappear. But he and PIF had stopped attacking. For now. For their son. The best thing they had ever done for him was let him be with his soulmate without fighting.

MK never felt more guilty than when he realized he was never going to tell them. He tried once, after they moved in. After he had truly fallen in love with Red Son. He'd cried too hard to get the words out and PIF had looked torn between telling him to leave and comforting him before she put a shockingly gentle hand on his shoulder.

He could never tell them.

267 days, 18 hours, 59 minutes, 2 seconds.

Red got along amazingly well with Mei and Sandy. The three of them together were a mechanical nightmare for anyone on their bad side and the most amazing team for anyone they made anything for. Red was also the new favorite among Sandy's cats. No one was surprised.

He and Red ended up adopting a little one eyed kitten they found outside Pigsy's Noodles. They named her Bao-Bao. They loved her.

245 days, 7 hours, 29 minutes, 34 seconds.

Naturally nothing was going to be calm for the Monkie Kid. Eventually demons far and wide came to attack either him or the city. The only difference was that, now, he had Red Son by his side.

Every time Red took a hit MK felt no fear. He knew that would not be the hit that killed his soulmate. His soulmate had-

208 days, 19 hours, 78 minutes, 21 seconds.

Red and Tang were fast friends. Red and Mei and Sandy were faster. It had taken longer for Pigsy but he came around fast enough.

Sun Wukong, though. Even after 5 months he was still slightly tense and terse and short with Red. But he had been coming around, slowly. Just like with everyone else, Wukong was hard pressed to open up to anyone who wasn't MK.

They visited Flower Fruit Mountain from time to time, and it was one day when Red had wandered off to enjoy the scenery at MK and Wukong had heard the pained screech of a small monkey in the distance.

When they saw Red calming the little one down, tending to it's wound as best he could, MK saw Wukong properly smile at him for the first time. Soon they had-

157 days, 22 hours, 28 minutes, 59 seconds.

There were still fights. DBK and Sun Wukong didn't get along. But things were better.

There were family game nights. Red and Pigsy and Wukong cooked together. Bao-Bao had grown into a beautiful Tortoise Shell cat (with tortitude included). Everyone promised to try to get along and things were going well. Red Son and MK were truly in love, it seemed. At least MK was. He was certain Red was as well.

That's why MK asked him to marry him that night.

Red said yes.

140 days, 19 hours, 34 minutes, 34 seconds.

Was 7 months too fast? Yes. Did MK care? No. Did anyone object?

Only the demons that showed up to fight. They were taken care of quickly. DBK was not entirely happy about how fast things were but for his only son it seemed he would not allow anything to ruin the day.

He'd changed over the 7 months. Not entirely, not enough for MK to completely forgive him for everything since he had awoken. But seeing him punch a demon into the stratosphere for Red Son was a pretty good marker of how much he was trying.

6 days, 37 hours, 8 minutes, 12 seconds.

Everything was amazing for those few months together. They fought demons. They kissed. They spent time with their family. No longer two families but one family.

Then Macaque came back.

MK had thought he was gone for good, he had been so quiet. But apparently he was planning something the whole time.

Something to kill an immortal.

That was when MK learned he was immortal. And wasn't that ironic?

Macaque had meant to stab him. MK didn't move in time.

Red Son jumped in front of him and there was red.

Macaque wasn't seen again after what MK did to him.

They bandaged the small wound in Red Son's shoulder. They would find a way to fix this. They had to. MK knew what would kill Red Son now, it wasn't that he wasn't immortal it was whatever poison had been meant for him. He knew people had beaten death clocks before.

He had to try.

5 days, 12 hours, 29 minutes, 56 seconds.

5 days, 12 hours, 29 minutes, 55 seconds.

5 days, 12 hours,. 29 minutes, 54 seconds.

That was what MK saw when Red Son coughed up blood for the first time.

4 days, 1 hour, 12 minutes, 13 seconds.

Sun Wukong found out where Macaque had gotten the poison.

There was no cure.

Red coughed more red and MK screamed at the Monkey King to look again. Do something. Anything. Anything...

They didn't see him or DBK for over 2 days.

1 day, 17 hours, 34 minutes, 14 seconds.

1 day, 17 hours, 34 minutes, 13 seconds.

MK watched the countdown timer tick down.

"Why are you still awake?" Red Son had asked him as he held his head in his lap.

"I don't want to miss any more seconds with you," MK answered softly.

"Am I going to... die?" Red Son asked softly.

"Not if Monkey King does what I know he can do," MK answered again. "I know he'll be back soon. I know it. I-"

"MK! MK I'M BACK!" Sun Wukong yelled through the apartment, bursting into their room looking disheveled and like he hadn't stopped moving since he left. But smiling. DBK looked much the same as he came through the door behind him.

"I think we found something!"

1 day, 17 hours, 32 minutes, 2 seconds.

MK prayed that Sun Wukong was right. He was Sun Wukong. He had to be.

1 day, 17 hours, 32 minutes... 3 seconds.

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isla-04 · 3 years

Text

| the art of falling in love with a dead girl.

miya atsumu x f!reader | part 2

Summary: love conquers all. a foolish boy will believe in anything just to get you to stay, just for one more day. one more second with you is all he wishes for, a second that you may not have.

word count: 1.5k

warnings: mentions of depressions and suicide

there was only so much time promised for a single person.

some were promised an entire lifetime. some were promised an eternity.

but there were a handful of those of us that were promised much shorter: months, weeks, or even days. sometimes those days weren’t even promised, sometimes our clock would run out much quicker than the time stamp we were given originally. we were forced to watch from the sidelines while others enjoyed their life to the fullest, stretching their days as far as they could. essentially, we’ve become dead men walking. or women, in your case.

at what point do we decide to accept our fate? at what point do we realize that our time is limited, compared to others who have an entire life to experience all the things we could only dream of doing? truly, there’s no exact point in time, but rather a feeling that we live with until our time is up. it starts off a simple whisper in the back of our head and grows into a fully matured voice that constantly creates conversation in our minds.

the voice of disappointment, where every little thing you do is no longer good enough for not only yourself but the world around you as well. one of anger, where every wrongdoing that has come your way adds fuel to your fire and eventually burns over your entire body, just waiting to lash out on whoever’s innocent soul is near. a voice of anxiety that feels as if it were crawling through your veins, instilling its poison in your blood to the point where you feel like you can no longer breathe properly. this voice sits in the back of your head, hushed and judgmental, and when you finally acknowledge that its there it will push to the forefront of your mind. dismantling your senses and clouding your vision, this voice becomes another body in your own. a body that has corrupted your soul with its apparent hatred.

rather than being given both the angel and the devil, the devil sits alone on both shoulders directing your every move. often times, against your will as well. maybe he was the one who stole your time, or maybe it was yourself. maybe you weren’t strong enough to fight off his thoughts, or were they yours? not that it would matter in the end.

once you’ve accepted the fact that there was only a short amount of time assigned to you, you’ve lost the desire to keep living for the rest of that time. there wasn’t much anyways, so why continue? in the end, your efforts would’ve been for nothing if you were no longer going to be here.

but what others don’t realize is that despite the fact that you’ve accepted your end, life actually seems to become easier. the motivation to get out of bed, shower, clean up, and do normal things returns in that short period of time before you leave. the smile on your face becomes genuine and the laughs you let out, they sound exactly like they did when you were a small child. you become the best you that you’ve ever been because finally, that voice in the back of your head will no longer be there to harm you.

maybe that’s what caused him to fall for you. maybe it was the genuine smile and laughs that you gave him after he told one of his jokes. they were stupid and to others, came off as failed attempts of flirting. but you laughed and you smiled as if he was the greatest comedian of all times. you only ever looked at him with kind and soft eyes, never raised your voice to him, never turned your back.

if he was excited he would jump circles around you, like a child excited to get ice cream. he would speak at a mile a minute, never pausing to take a breath, but he was too excited to waste a minute on breathing. he needed to tell you about whatever he was excited about, just so he could see your smile and here your voice. that silky voice that made his heart clench every time you spoke. you would be excited right along with him, even if you didn’t quite catch what he said to you in his jumbled sentences that he called english.

if he was nervous, you would draw spirals on the back of his hands in order to calm him down. “in...out...in...out. do that three more times, okay?” you would say to him before every game, even if he wasn’t nervous. but something about the way you worried for him made him feel safe, like he would always be cared for. like he would always have someone to fall back on.

if he was angry, you would be the first person to ask what was wrong, letting him rant and complain about whatever it was that got him so worked up. you wouldn’t interrupt or try to invalidate how he felt. he could rant for hours or days, and you would be right next to him with open ears. once he’d calm down, you would be right there to help him assess the situation. could he have handled it differently? was he in the right or was he in the wrong? no matter what it was that you suggested, he’d be 100% willing to do it.

but the part of you that he appreciated and would cherish forever, was that you were willing to carry his weight on your shoulders when he couldn’t do it himself. you would be waiting for him with opens arms and he’d collapsed right into them. the first few times you hadn’t properly prepared for him to actually collapse, and you were the poor boy nearly fell onto the concrete sidewalk. as he cried into your chest, you would softly run your hands through his hair and massage his temples; you were no stranger to the headaches that would soon follow after crying this hard. the sweet nothings you would whisper into his ear, affirming that he would be okay and that this would get better, helped him pick himself up again.

you took care of him like a mother took care of her child, but to him, it felt different. he hadn’t been sure before, but when he looked into your bright eyes, he knew; atsumu fell in love with you. he fell in love with your whole being actually, and there was no part of you that he could ever hate. everything about you was perfect to him.

you never judged him or called him out for his pathetic jokes, never shunned him away when he was upset, never ordered him to quiet down when he was too excited or ridiculed him when he got angry; but you didn’t really do much these days. unbeknownst to him, you were one of the few who weren’t promised a lifetime. he had eternity, and you had ‘till the end of the week.

the eyes that he believed held the universe, were the same ones that cried for hours at night in the dark. the same ones that were red and puffy in the mornings after those late night cries. the same ones that needed to constantly hold back their own tears during the day because you felt like the weight of the world would collapse onto you.

the shoulders that he would cry on were the same ones that slouched whenever you sat down because holding his emotional weight along with your own was beginning to overwhelm you. how were you to help him when you couldn’t even help yourself? the chest atsumu would cry into was the same one that felt empty. it felt like there was a large gaping hole in the middle right where your heart should’ve been.

but here you were, taking care of him. you did it all on your own account, not because you felt like you owed him anything, but after a while things were not as easy as they used to be. that voice in the back of your head would get louder each year, pushing you further and further into a dark hole. a hole that got deeper over time, one that you never saw an opening to. one that felt infinite, so deep that not even a sliver of light could touch you. the clock that you were assigned at birth was nearing its end and when the big hand hit twelve, a new day would start, one without you.

as much as you cherished your time with atsumu, you knew that it was coming to an end. sooner or later you would have to say goodbye, and not just for the night, but for life. a permanent goodbye that you knew would leave a scar on his heart, but this choice was yours and you made it already. you were ready to leave, ready to go, ready to finally let your conscience rest and ease the aching in your heart. this was it. it was time, so with tears in your eyes you let go.

birdy’s notes: please do not repost, rewrite or claim as yours. thank you!

- this is my first official post and i hope that it was at least decent. i might attempt to make this a tiny series, but i’m not completely sure yet.

#miya atsumu #haikyuu atsumu #atsumu x reader #atsumu angst #haikyu x reader #haikyu #haikyu angst #atsumu x you #haikyuu!!#haikyū!!#haikyu imagines #haikyuu imagines #hq atsumu #hq angst #hq imagines #hq x reader

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overly-b · 4 years

Text

F*ck a Cheater - Chapter 1

In which you get cheated on, and the Pogues help you through it, and a certain blond seems to be there for you the most.

Warnings: swearing, cheating.

Word Count: 2k

Authors Note: I have never been cheated on so I apologize if some of the feelings and emotions are a bit inaccurate to how it really feels to be cheated on. And if you have ever been cheated on let me tell you real quick hunnys you deserve so much better than someone who doesn't love you 100% unconditionally, so truly, fuck a cheater.

not my gif

JJ was never a huge fan of the tall brunette that you called your boyfriend, and he could never quite pinpoint an exact reason. He seemed like a good guy, he treated you well, he got along with all of the Pouges, and he made you very happy. Despite those facts, the blond had a disliking for him. John B would tell him that it was because JJ had a crush on you ever since you met, and still wasn’t able to let go. Deep down JJ knew that his feelings were disrupting his getting along with your boyfriend, but he had a hunch that he was simply up to no good.

After an afternoon out on the HMS Pogue, you announced that you were heading to his house. He had called you this morning, telling you that he had been feeling sick all night and could not make it for the day out on the Marsh. He insisted however that you went and had a good time with your friends. You pushed back of course, wanting to take care of your sickly boyfriend, but he wanted you to have a good day, so to appease his pleads, you went out on the water with the Pouges, telling him that you would call him when you came back to shore.

You drove your beat up jeep through to his neighborhood, picking up some of his favorite foods for him. Upon pulling into his driveway, you found car that you had never seen before. It was a newer model vehicle, making your old car look worn and wasted. You assumed that his parents had company over as they often did.

However, entering the house you found it absent from parents and company. You made your way up to his room, calling out for him softly twice. He must be sleeping, you thought to yourself. You crept up to his door and knocked gently, pushing it open.

You found him sleeping as you suspected, however what you didn’t expect to find was lying next to him. Lying on what you had claimed as your side of his bed was a naked, raven haired girl that you had recognized from a few parties.

You gasped at the sight before you, dropping the bag in your hand. This woke him.

Rubbing his eyes of sleep, he found you in his doorway. He stared at you blankly for a moment, muttering a string of swear words under his breath, not making any effort whatsoever to even beg for your forgiveness. You turned quickly on your heels. “Y/N wait” You heard him grumble as you flew down the stairs, tears stinging in your eyes. You paid no attention to his attempt to chase you and made your way to your car. You harshly started your car, throwing it into gear and nearly crashing into the other girls car on your way out. You watch him stumble out the front door as you pull away, yelling for you to hear him out. You did nothing of the sort, and you didn’t plan on it.

You were hesitant to go back to the chateau, not wanting to face the reality of what you witnessed. You had been cheated on, how pathetic. You were crying profusely, even more pathetic. You felt stupid, pathetic, angry, worthless, and everything in between as you drove with blurry eyes around the island.

You landed at John B’s, like you knew you world eventually, and considering that you nearly crashed twice, you felt you were no longer okay to drive. You found the group of friends sitting around the porch as the sun began to set. They noticed that your car had pulled in the question was why you were back so soon. They got worried when you didn’t exit your car right away. They watched as you sat in the driver's seat. You had no idea what to do with yourself.

Rather than going to greet the group like you would usually, you hopped out of your car slamming your door with raging force, and walked to the end of the dock. You stood there for a moment, hearing rustling behind you as your friends watched your movement.

“Y/N?” You heard John B’s confused voice call out as you stood at the edge.

“What is she doing?” Pope asked the group as they all stared at your back.

“Should we go out there?” Kie thinks out loud.

“Maybe just give her a minute, she didn’t come to us right away for a reason” JJ tells Kie, knowing that sometimes you prefer your time alone. All of the sudden they heard your booming yell.

“Fuck!” You screamed out to the open water, drawing on the word until you ran out of breath. “Fuck.” You say again as a whisper to yourself, trying your hardest to blink back the tears in your eyes. You didn’t want to cry in front of the Pogues, not about something as pathetic as this. You got cheated on, you shouldn’t be upset, you should be angry, you should be pissed. But how it stood, you were both, caught in between seething with rage and cowering in tears and depressive thought. Your hands ran through your hair, pulling at the roots as you knelt down to sit, your breath no longer supporting your standing.

By this point, the Pogues were running to you. You leaned back against the post of the dock, tears falling to your lap.

“Y/N what's wrong?” JJ was the first to reach you.

“What happened?” Pope questioned.

“What in the world was that?” John B refers to your screaming in a joking manner before realizing that you were breaking down in front him. “What the fuck Y/N whats wrong?”

“Guys cool it.” Kie waves them back as she sits down next to you, pulling your head to her shoulder. “Give her a second.”

The three boys quieted down, Pope deciding to sit next to you in silent support. John B and JJ backed up, leaning on the rail across from you, giving you a moment to cry it out with Kie.

“He fucking cheated.” Your voice was scratchy from the screaming, so Kie was the only one to hear your confession.

“Oh my god.” She sighs.

“What?” Pope asks, not hearing your low voice clearly.

“He fucking cheated!” You exclaimed, anger taking back over. “I found him in bed with some fucking kook!” Your tears continued to stream as your watery tone sounded loudly to the boys.

“Motherfucker” John B mutters, pulling at his hair and slumping to sit against the post.

“Oh, Y/N” Pope was at a loss for words. He couldn’t tell if you were more sad than angry, so he elected to rub your back instead. “I’m so sorry.” Was the only thing he could come up with.

“What a fucking douche bag!” John B exclaims. “Y/N he’s a piece of shit,” He states. “He’s a piece of shit and you deserve so much better than that son of a bitch piece of fucking trash” By the end of his sentence his voice had risen in volume due to his anger. He was pissed, and increasingly so. It wasn’t until Kie gave him a subtle sign to stop that he had noticed his words were not as helpful as he thought. You were back to crying on Kies shoulder, more upset than you were mad. “Sorry” He whispers, backing off once again.

“It’s okay.” You sniffle. “I just don’t know if I’m at angry yet. I mean I am but,” Your words trailed off and Kie squeezes you into her shoulder. You peer upwards realizing that JJ has yet to comment on the subject at hand. He stands quietly with his arms cross, eyes ignited with pure resentment.

“I’m gonna fucking kill him.”

And with that short sentence, he walks towards shore with the intent of assault glinting in his eyes.

“JJ wait-” You weakly call after him, however your voice falls short of how you intended, coming out as an odd whine, and turning into a sob as you watch John B chase after your blond best friend.

“JJ” John B starts. “JJ stop”

“Unless you’re coming to help me, I don’t want to hear it John B.” JJ groans.

“Don’t make this worse” John B reasons.

“Make this worse?” JJ bursts at his friend. “He cheated on her! On Y/N! Our Y/N!”

“JJ I’m right there with you buddy, and if you wanna bash his face in I’m in but, we gotta give her some time to process this. She needs us to be here right now and us going on a rampage is not going to help her.”

“Fuck.” JJ mutters, knowing that John B was completely right. “So what the fuck do we do?”

“I don’t fucking know dude, she says shes not angry yet, so maybe we should just like, let her be with Kie for tonight and, yeah I have no idea I’m so pissed off how is she not pissed bro?” John B rants as he thinks about what you’re going through.

“She won’t stay down for long, and if I know Y/N, I know she’ll get mad real soon.” JJ huffs. “God what a dick. She can’t be upset for long right? She’s smart she’s gonna realize that hes a good for nothing son of a fucking bitch and shes gonna bounce right back.” The blond talks to himself, pacing the porch in front of a now sitting John B. “How could he do that to her? How could anyone do that to her? Does he know that he just lost the best fucking thing that he’s ever had?” His arm swings out gesturing to you still sitting on the dock with Kie and Pope.

“At least now, you can actually tell her how you feel.” John B propositions slyly.

“What the fuck are you talking about man?” JJ shrugs his friend off, not wanting to think of his feelings for you.

“You know what the fuck I’m talking about.”

JJ thinks for a few moments.

“Even if there was something there,” He pauses, knowing that there indeed was something there, at least for him. “I couldn’t tell her. Not now, she's dealing with way too much for me to just drop something like that on her.”

“You’re right.” John B agrees with him, happy that he finally admitted to it, and slightly proud that JJ knew he couldn’t ambush you with all of that right now. The two angry boys knew that they had to do everything that they could to be there for you, even if it meant that they couldn’t bust that prick's face.

That night, you had fallen asleep with Kie in the spare bedroom of the chateau. You didn’t talk to the boys all that much, however they made it clear that they were here for you whenever you needed them. You woke up feeling numb. Your cheeks felt tight as you had fallen asleep crying. Kie wasn’t next to you, so you assumed you had slept decently late.

“Okay so, what are we gonna do?” Pope asks as the Pogues minus you stands around the kitchen.

“I think that she just needs to feel normal. We should just try to make today as normal as possible.” Kie explains to the boys.

“Is she gonna wanna go to the Kegger tonight?” John B scratches the back of his neck.

“Maybe, it might be a good distraction, but there's a chance that he could be there.” Kie ponders the idea.

“Okay so what if we find something else to do to distract her?” JJ injects. As he says so, the door to the spare room creeks, stamping out the conversation. You drag your feet out of the room to find your four friends looking at you expectantly.

“Um, morning?” You state more as a question, not loving the confrontation. “What are you guys doing?” You raise a brow. When they all state different answers, you knew they were talking about you. “Subtle” You mumble. “I’m gonna shower.”

After spending a good hour in the bathroom, you felt somewhat normal. Your eyes no longer burned from crying and your face was no longer stained with makeup. You looked tired, but nothing more than a late night could explain that.

“Y/N!” You heard your name being shouted from the front of the house. “Y/N!”

“Fuck.”

It was your ex.

Taglist: (tagging some mutuals, hope thats okay!) Message me or send me an ask if you would like to be added to the taglist!

@midnightmagicmusings @midnightmagicmusingsmain @myrandom-fandomlife @maybe-maybanks @sarahroutledge

#jj #maybank #jj maybank #jj maybank imagine #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank fic #obx #obx netflix #outerbanks #outerbanks imagine #outerbanks fanfic #jj fic #jj imagine #jj x reader #fuck a cheater

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binbons-character-stuff · 4 years

Text

The Thief of Joy

This was requested by @emmaloo21 like a hundred years ago.

"Hey," you heard a whisper from around the corner from where you were definitely not hiding, and then Peter's golden head peeked at you from the other side of the shelf of books in the library.

You hurried to dash away your tears, but Peter had two younger sisters and could see the signs of crying well enough. "Oh, darling, don't cry," he soothed, sitting next to you and pulling you into his arms, your head going naturally into the crook of his neck.

"I am not crying," you said, though Peter could feel the dampness of your cheek against his neck.

"Shhh," he shushed you. "It will be alright, I promise."

"Of course it will," you said, pulling back a bit and forcing a smile to your face. "You're here."

Peter smiled at you with genuine affection. You had fallen into his family so naturally that it felt like you were another sister most of the time. "Tell me what has you sad and I'll fix it straightaway."

You chuckled. "Just having you here is enough."

"Darling, you know I'll always be here for you, don't you?" Peter crooned to you as he rocked back and forth.

"Of course, Peter. I never feel so safe as when I'm with you," you said honestly, if a bit sadly.

Caspian sighed silently, heart shattering a little more as he witnessed what he had suspected for some time: you loved Peter.

And who could blame you? He was young, handsome, courageous -- well, aside from 'young' he was everything that Caspian wasn't and probably never would be. And Caspian could accept all of it from everyone but you. You were his life. You had been inseparable until his escape; most of his people assumed the two of you would marry one day; he had assumed that the two of you would marry one day.

Caspian left as quietly as he had entered; he had known you were upset and he knew where you would go to be alone. He just didn't realize that Peter was also aware of the spot. Was it now a secret lovers spot?

As Caspian made his way silently out of the library, he wandered the corridors aimlessly, his only destination somewhere quiet and empty. He feared that his heartbreak was going to become a bit of an embarrassing affair and he preferred to kick the wall and throw his childish tantrum with no witnesses.

Peter. Always Bloody High King Peter the Bloody Magnificent! He took over command, bowled over any decision that Caspian ever made, he insulted him and acted like Caspian was a complete incompetent. And if that wasn't enough, he now was romancing the girl he had loved for as long as he could remember, the woman he had always hoped to make his Queen. More than that, though, you were his best friend, he needed you in the way that he had always thought you needed him.

Apparently he had been mistaken. Now you had Peter to run to when you were upset.

You had calmed down, focusing on Peter's soothing voice as he told you about something called automobiles in his home world.

"Feeling better now?" he asked quietly.

"Yes," you whispered. "Thank you."

"How about you tell me what's been troubling you, then?" he coaxed.

"It's nothing, really. I'm being silly."

"I shall decide what's silly and what isn't," Peter announced arrogantly.

You smiled, though his arrogance was a trifle annoying. Caspian was never -- you sighed, unable to complete a thought without him interfering.

"Come, now," he said sternly. "I am a King of Narnia; you must tell me."

"I missed Caspian terribly when he was gone."

"He spoke of you a great deal while we were in hiding. I understood you to be quite good friends."

"Yes," you said, not realizing that you wrinkled your nose a bit when he said 'friends.' "It just does not feel like he missed me as much. He seems to want to spend all of his time with your sister."

Ah, Peter thought. She loves Caspian. "Lucy and he do seem to be together a lot."

"No, Peter, I meant Susan."

Peter hesitated a moment and said, "Shall I tell you a secret?"

"If you wish," you replied rather disinterestedly. You were too busy picturing your old age as a spinster, dying alone for the overwhelming love you felt for your King.

"Susan thinks Caspian is beautiful."

Your eyebrows drew together in anger. "Thank you so much for sharing that with me, Your Majesty."

"So beautiful, in fact, that he could wear one of her dresses and be prettier than her."

You gasped, scandalized and amused. "She did not say this!"

"Perhaps not in so many words, but dear one, Susan and Ed and Lucy and I...we're old. Caspian is a boy. Susan is not interested."

You smiled then, but ruefully. "It does not mean that Caspian wants me because Susan does not want him."

"Then more fool he, I say!" he said buoyantly.

"Thank you, Peter," you said quietly.

"Of course," he said gently. "I must go, but do not tarry here too long, it will be supper time soon."

"Yes, Peter," you said quietly, smiling bravely for his efforts to cheer you.

You watched Peter leave and sighed. You were selfish enough to be pleased that Susan wasn't interested in Caspian, but as you had said to Peter, Susan not wanting Caspian did not make Caspian want you. There was an old saying that your Mother told you when you coveted a sibling's toy or sweet: 'Envy is the thief of joy.' You knew that it was wrong to be jealous that Susan held Caspian's heart, but you simply could not help yourself.

You sat and stared out the window at the late afternoon sun painting the courtyard below with a golden shimmer, pondering how to go on without Caspian in your life.

Caspian had retreated to his bedchamber, wanting to be alone for a moment. Well, physically alone. Since he had been crowned King, he had felt nothing but alone and lonely.

Before he had run away, you and he had been together whenever possible. You had taken lessons together -- and skived off of lessons together, as well. He had shared with you his worries of ruling a Kingdom someday, and you had simply smiled and told him he would be a wonderful King. Now, you barely met his eyes, leaving the room as quickly as possible.

Perhaps you knew of his feelings for you and were trying to keep him from humiliating himself? You were always so kind and generous to him, giving him perhaps the only affection he received since his mother died when he was small. How had he so badly misinterpreted your actions to mean you loved him as he loved you?

Or had you been plying him with honeyed words to become his Queen but decided that Peter was a better catch?

Caspian's jealousy ate at him as he paced his bed chamber, thinking back to all of the times he thought he had seen love in your eyes. Was it only a reflection of his own love, and not a genuine emotion at all? Were you simply smarter than the other girls at Court who had sought to snare him with their beauty and wiles? Had you seen the desperate need for love that he carried within him and exploited it?

He had to know.

Caspian gathered his jealousy, anger, and outrage close to him, wrapping himself in coldness to stave off the hurt. He stormed out of his bedchamber, his expression clouded with the anger and anguish that had taken root in his heart.

A few people tried to stop him on his way back to the library; he did not even acknowledge them. He was so focused on getting the truth from you that nothing else mattered. Indeed, for just this one moment in time, the Kingdom could burn.

Caspian would find out how you really felt, and Aslan help anyone who tried to stop him.

You heard someone come into the library, low voices conversing, and then someone left again. You went back to staring out into the courtyard below, wishing that you had been brave enough to share your feelings with Caspian before he had run away to escape his Uncle. Would it have mattered to him, knowing that you loved him and were waiting for him to return safely? You sniffed, too depressed to even wipe away the tears from your cheeks.

You shook your head and muttered, "If wishes were fishes --"

"We'd all swim in riches," Caspian surprised you by finishing the rhyme.

"Cas -- Your Majesty!" you gasped, jumping to your feet and dropping into a deep curtsy. "You surprised me."

Caspian narrowed his eyes angrily. "You cannot even bring yourself to use my name any more?" he growled.

You looked up, tears streaming down your cheeks, confusion in your eyes. "I was not certain I still had that privilege."

"Rise," he said harshly. "I do not wish to have you cowering before me."

You got to your feet, hands folded primly before you and eyes on Caspian's toes, but you kept your silence.

"Why are you crying?" he asked, softening a bit.

You shrugged. "I do not wish to burden you with my worries," you whispered.

Caspian stiffened. "Did Peter not return your feelings?" he spat.

Your eyebrows shot up. "I beg your pardon?" you said, deceptively softly.

Caspian should have known better; he had known you for most of his life and he had seen both the storm and the calm before it. He was simply too angry to recognize your tone of voice. "I said," he snarled, "did High King Peter not return your love? Did your plan to catch a better husband than me, a mere King, fall apart? Do you regret tossing aside my feelings for you in favor of Peter?"

You finally understood the expression "to see red." Your fists clenched at your sides and you gnashed your teeth. "How dare you speak to me that way, Caspian!"

"I saw the two of you together earlier, sitting in that very spot!" he yelled. "He had his arm around you and you put your head on his shoulder, sweet as could be!"

You shook your head angrily. "He was comforting me because I am in love with a very stupid boy whom I thought was in love with High Queen Susan," you said in disgust.

"I have loved you since I was twelve, Caspian! I was crying because you spend all of your time with Susan and cannot even be bothered to speak to me, and you accuse me of being a faithless trollop for my pains? Well, fear no longer, for I do believe I am over my feelings for you!

"I cannot believe I have wasted so much of my life loving you. And you tell me now that there were feelings to toss aside, as you accuse me of currying favor with Peter because he has a higher rank? Well, congratulations on finally telling me you once cared for me while you essentially called me a whore," you sneered with anger and distaste. "But I suppose that is acceptable behavior for a King. I do hope it was worth it, Your Majesty." You gathered your skirts in hand and swept away from him and out of the library.

Caspian stood in stunned silence, unable to fathom the tremendous insult he had just given you out of jealousy and stupidity.

You loved him.

You loved him, and he had crushed that love under his boot heel for the sake of his cowardice and envy.

Caspian dropped to his knees, head in hands in grief and self-loathing.

He stayed like that for a few minutes, then got to his feet and steadied himself; he needed to figure out what to do.

You were in your bed chamber among the suite of rooms your family had in the castle. You were crying quietly lest you alert your parents of your fight with the King. Your Father had supported Caspian and even been thrown in a cell when Caspian had escaped; you did not wish to sow discord between them.

How could Caspian accuse you of such low behavior? And even if you were casting your nets for Peter, what business of Caspian's was it? He had never made any declarations, never even insinuated that he was interested in you romantically, or even politically. What about his behavior, either before or after he had run away, should have conveyed his intentions?

You were not wrong in this, and if it meant your exile from Court...well, perhaps you could do with a visit to your grandparents, at that.

You called your maid in and asked her to begin packing your things while you went to convince your parents that some time in the country would do you a world of good.

Caspian was more nervous than he had been even before his coronation. He was about to serve penance before attempting to apologize, but even though he had mentally prepared himself, his heart raced and he had broken into a cold sweat.

His hand shook when he raised it to knock.

The door opened quickly, thrown wide by Queen Lucy exuberantly, as she was with all things.

"Caspian!" she shrieked happily, leaping into his arms as if she hadn't seen him for months rather than the few hours since the morning meal.

Caspian hugged her back, always touched to be worthy of this kind soul's affection. "Hello, sweet one. And what have you been up to today?" he asked, trying to hide the true purpose of his visit from this angelic child.

It didn't work, of course. Lucy might be the youngest of the Pevensie family, but one must keep in mind that they had lived entire lives in the past; this adorable, chubby-cheeked little girl was over a millennium older than Caspian.

"What troubles you, Caspian?" she asked kindly, pulling him over to sit.

"I need to speak with Peter, actually," he said quietly. "Do you know where he is?"

"I believe he went to visit your future Queen," she said mischievously.

"Hush," Caspian said automatically. Lucy had divined his feelings for you while they were still hiding from Miraz and took every opportunity to discreetly tease him.

"Tell me what is wrong, Caspian. Are we not friends?"

He looked down at his boots. "I behaved very badly," he said, his voice a broken whisper. "I do not believe that I can undo this mess I have created. I think it rather more likely that her father or your brother will call me out."

Lucy sat up straight, concern drawing her features into an uncustomary frown. "What have you done that is so bad?"

Caspian took a deep breath and looked down into his hands that were clenched into fists in his lap. "I was almost mad with jealousy! I...I accused her of trying to ensnare Peter with her wiles so that she would have a High king rather than just a King. She took that to mean I was calling her a -- a person of low morals."

"Goodness," she breathed.

"Yes, and she was livid, as she absolutely should have been. I imagine she's told her father or Peter by now. I would not be surprised if one or both of them are sharpening swords as we speak," he said dully. "I am worthy of neither my crown nor her love. And I know that I should be more concerned over failing my country, but right now all I can feel is bereft at the loss of the girl I have always loved."

"This is bad, Caspian," Lucy whispered.

Edmund strolled into the room just then, so Caspian and Lucy stopped talking.

He looked at them and said, "Well, that wasn't suspicious at all! Were you talking about me?"

"No, Ed," Lucy said with a roll of her eyes. "I do have an errand I need to run, though. Be a good sport and keep Caspian company, would you?" she asked as she got to her feet.

"Lucy," Caspian began in a warning tone, getting to his feet as well. "Where are you going?"

"I say, Caspian, if she isn't safe here then she isn't safe anywhere," Edmund said jovially. "Fancy some exercise? You said you'd show me that move where you change hands with your sword while you spin away from your opponent."

"Excellent," said Lucy as if the matter was settled. "You two go and play." I have work to do.

Normally, Lucy would go to the library or the sitting room where the six of you could usually be found of an evening, but Caspian had confided that your row with him had taken place in the library, so she headed to your family's apartments, knocking politely.

The maid who opened the door immediately dropped into a deep curtsy, then led Lucy to the sitting room and scampered off to alert you of her presence and then to prepare a tea tray.

"Lucy," you said warmly. "I was not expecting you, what a lovely surprise."

Lucy pulled you into a hug. "Are you well?" she asked quietly.

"Of course!" you lied, knowing that your red eyes and runny nose told a different tale.

You both smiled politely while your maid brought in a tea tray. "Shall I pour, Miss, or would you rather I continue packing your things?"

Lucy raised her eyebrows at you wordlessly.

"I'll pour, thank you," you said quietly, avoiding Lucy's eyes by busying yourself with the tea and biscuits. "One lump, yes?"

"Yes, thank you," Lucy said politely, accepting the cup and taking a small sip. "And would you prefer to give Caspian one lump or two on his thick skull?"

You looked up quickly from your own tea, then nodded acceptance. "Of course he came to you," you said with a dry chuckle. "I am so very angry with him, Lucy."

"And it sounds like you have every right to be. What a complete idiot!"

Your eyes opened wide in surprise, for you would ever expect Lucy to try to broker peace and support Caspian. "Quite so," you agreed quietly, surprisedly.

"I cannot believe how cruel and selfish he was with you," Lucy went on. "I rushed straight over to see you. I know how much you loved him, it must have been such a disappointment to find out how wrong we all were about his character!" Lucy internally crossed her fingers, hoping that she was taking the correct tack with you and that attacking Caspian would lead you to defend him.

Your eyebrows furrowed at Lucy's words. "Perhaps that is not entirely accurate," you said hesitantly.

"How could we interpret his actions any other way? He besmirched both your honor and Peter's! Just because he says he was mad with jealousy," she said, emphasizing the 'mad with jealousy' bit in a disbelieving way yet loud enough that you could not possibly miss it.

"You do not think he was jealous?" you asked, insecurity showing in your expression so clearly that Lucy almost felt bad.

"Oh, yes, he was positively raving! Never seen a fellow so head over heels for a girl. But he's a King; just because he has always loved you and wants you to be his Queen, that doesn't mean that he can lose control of his emotions like that."

"But he is not just a King, Lucy! He is also a man. Of course he will make mistakes! We cannot burden him with expectations of perfection!" you defended him.

"Well, now that he has insulted you so greatly that you couldn't possibly forgive him, I'm afraid he'll be stuck with some political match and wind up in a cold, loveless marriage. He probably won't have anyone to allow him to be just Caspian; they will all expect the Perfect King Caspian at all times." She sighed sadly. "Unless he does something truly reckless and gets himself killed or abdicates."

"No, he will not," you said angrily as you surged to your feet. "Not if I have anything to say about it. Where is he?"

Lucy struggled to keep her smug satisfaction to herself. "I believe he is having Edmund pummel away some of his guilt in the training yard."

You turned away without another word, caring not at all whether Lucy accompanied you or not. Lucy did follow along, of course. She had orchestrated this peace, she was absolutely not going to miss it.

As you grew near the training yard, you heard the clanking of metal weapons clashing alongside the whomping sounds of wooden weapons being used for training.

When you arrived, it still took you by surprise that Caspian had recruited Narnians to work alongside Telmarines in the army as well as his personal guard. The training arena had been expanded to accommodate the increase in numbers of guards, not to mention the size of some of the newer members.

Of course Caspian would go out of his way to treat the Narnians with fairness and respect. He was simply a good man.

You found Caspian and Edmund on the far side of the arena, pounding away at each other with metal training swords and shields. You watched for a while, proud of how adept he was with a weapon. His movement was smooth and fluid and you found yourself watching him with the same dull expression as all of the other unwed girls lining the fence to watch the two handsome men train.

You were able to forget for a moment that you were angry with Caspian -- well, miffed, really. He had always been graceful and quick with his weapons, but he had been coltish still when he left. He had returned with broader shoulders and far more muscular. He had gained strength and reach and lost none of his quickness and agility. He was truly a formidable fighter and you were proud to think that perhaps if his apology was very very good, he just might still be your husband one day soon.

You giggled to think that you had even considered leaving his presence. It was ridiculous to think that now you knew he felt the same, why in the world would you go away? As close to Caspian as possible was where you wanted to be for the rest of your life, and after you had given him a suitable opportunity to grovel for forgiveness, you planned to inform him that there was a wedding to plan.

Caspian heard the melodious giggle that always made him smile and immediately looked around until he saw you, leaning against the fence and smiling dreamily. He certainly -- CLANG!!!

"Caspian!" you shrieked as you clambered over the fence and hurried over to his side. He was down on one knee, dented helmet off and laying in the dirt at his feet while he tried to shake the ringing out of his ears.

Edmund was livid. "I could have killed you, Caspian! How dare you take to the training field this distracted," he raged at Caspian before turning his wrath on you. "And you! Do you not know better than to distract a man while he trains? I've got a mind to turn you over my knee!"

Caspian surged to his feet, still a bit dizzy but not so woozy as to allow Edmund to berate you in front of half the inhabitants of the castle. "That is enough, Ed," he said quietly.

You reached Caspian and took his face in your hands. "Are you well, my love?" you whispered as you looked into his eyes, trying to see if his pupils were normal.

Caspian threw his gauntlets to the ground and covered your hands with his. "Did you just call me your love?" he whispered back.

"I did. You are," you said with a smile.

"Then I am more than well," he said with a grin that lasted only a moment. He took your hands in his and pulled them away from his face and dropped back to one knee. "I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am, dearest. I was jealous and stupid and do not deserve you."

You tugged at his hands, trying to pull him to his feet. "I forgive you, of course! Now stand up, everyone is staring!"

"Not just yet, I have more business to conduct on one knee," he said with a happy smile.

You smiled back. "Oh, indeed? Checking soil quality? Collecting rents from worms?"

"Silly girl," he chided playfully. "No, I thought since I was already down here I would check to see if you had plans for the rest of your life?"

You pursed your lips and looked up as if giving his question deep consideration. "Hmmmm let me think," you hummed. "I suppose I could make time for the right activities."

Caspian grinned at your sass, then said earnestly, "You have been my best friend and favorite person for as long as I can recall. You have supported me, counselled me and comforted me over those years of friendship, and I am so grateful to you for that. As we grew up together, my feelings of platonic love for you grew and evolved into very, very romantic love. I would spend every day of my life with you, showing you how much I love and appreciate you. Will you do me the very great honor of being my wife and Narnia's Queen?"

You had felt yourself melt as Caspian spoke until you were amazed that you were able to remain upright. "I would be honored to be your wife, Caspian. It is all I have ever wanted. I love you so very much, my darling."

Caspian jumped to his feet and pulled you to him with a think against his armor, but you didn't mind at all. He whispered, "I love you," as he leaned down to gently kiss you.

You slid your hands up Caspian's chest to wrap them around his neck and kissed him again. When you broke apart and opened your eyes, Caspian's were still closed, but he had such a look of bliss on his face that you knew that this was right.

"Judging from the silly look on your face, perhaps we should have a healer evaluate your head before I hold you to your proposal?" you teased gently.

Caspian opened his eyes and smiled happily, overwhelmed with joy. "No, my love, I was just savoring the moment."

"Come. I still want you to see a doctor," you said, pulling him along. "Oh, and we must name our first daughter Lucy."

@marauder--harder / @giggleberts / @thesandbeneathmytoes / @banditthewriter / @heyitslexy / @marauderskeeper / @squidscottjeans / @russosprettydiamondnow / @iamnotbenbarneswifeyet / @cutie-bug / @joelynnp / @sssilverssserpent / @acciophoenx / @presstocontinue-blog1 / @suchatinyinfinity / @fortisfiliae / @chibiyanai / @i-padfootblack-things / @rousakousa / @ponycake27 / @hermionegranger / @drinix / @something-tofightfor / @life-is-a-melody / @libbymouse / @letsdanceinthedark/ @lilywoood / @ivegotillegalsinmybottom / @irinazatyk / @thinemineours / @ssserpensortiaaa / @starless-skyox / @lalafral / @hxbbit / @itsjustmylifeconfessions / @buddha-for-satan / @youveseen--thebutcher / @swiftyhowlz / @shinebrightlikeafanbase / @moonyscardigans / @iaintnofurry / @heytherecix / @ladyblablabla / @damalseer / @sstilinski @ymariejp / @projectcampbell / @agent-scully-182 / @saralou23 / @blackcoffeeandgreenteaforme / @ethereal-heavcns / @songtoyou/ @morriganwarrior / @training-wheeels / @breanime / @poedamneronhoe / @dylanobrusso / @0-cries-0 / @my-little-dumpster-fire / @shadowhunterscloset / @disengagefrmreality / @curlyhairedblueeyedangel / @editboutique / @traeumerinwitzhelden / @ripsithskywalkers / @littledarlinhavefaithinme / @thesumofmychoices / @propertyofpoeandbucky / @whovianayesha / @weallhaveadestiny / @saltyshaggymeme / @daffodilsbucky / @abroadcastofthemind / @with1love1anu / @onebatch--twobatch / @a-dorky-book-keeper /

#caspian x #prince caspian #king caspian #ben barnes #binbons 1k follower event

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thatsmistertoyou · 2 years

Text

More highly personal rambles about how I related to Dan’s comeback video idk

As I’ve been thinking about it more, I’ve been even more like spidermen_pointing.jpeg about the trajectory of Dan’s career and I just wanted to vent about it for a second. Okay more than a second this is very long.

CW for mentions of death and depression

So I went to school for mental health counseling. I graduated in 2019, moved from my college town back in with my parents, and had a hard time finding a decent job. I finally found a good one that was everything I wanted it to be on paper: I didn’t have to work stupid hours or go to people’s homes, I was working with the population I wanted to work with, I got to move back to a place I had called home for 7 years, I made good money, and I had a chance to live on my own. I had always lived with roommates and I figured age 25 was as good a time as any to learn to be alone. I could really start my career and once I had a good handle on things and my counseling license, I could go somewhere else I liked better.

Only it was in a pandemic. I didn’t even get the job until May 2020, but I figured I could handle it. It was all only temporary, right? I wasn’t delusional enough to think the pandemic would be over anytime soon, but I had only planned to do all of this for maybe 2 years, so it’s fine, right?

Then my grandma died of covid. I couldn’t have seen her in the hospital anyway, no one could, but I wasn’t even there for the last months of her life. I don’t even remember the last time I saw her in person. I went home to be with my family as much as possible, but it was a 5+ hour drive each way. I’m not going to go into it but if you’ve seen my griefposting from the last 1.5 years, you can probably guess how it’s been trying to cope with the loss.

I got incredibly depressed - more depressed than I’ve ever been, which is saying something. I could barely function. I was living with undiagnosed chronic illnesses that, unbeknownst to me, we’re very much contributing. It was a bad time. I was almost completely isolated. I had maybe 2 friends within 100 miles, who I probably shouldn’t see anyway bc covid, I worked from home in my one bedroom apartment most of the time, and when I didn’t, I worked in a completely separate building from any of my coworkers and never saw anyone I knew. Even in my office, I met with clients on zoom. My position was at best tangentially related to most of my coworkers anyway - I had so much independence that essentially had a private practice. Which is cool. And very very lonely.

The last thing I noticed before I decided to move back home was that the city itself seemed to move on without me. I had only been gone a year, but it was different. New buildings popped up, my favorite local businesses closed, most people I knew were gone. It was functionally the same, but it felt different. Like I didn’t belong there anymore. Too much had happened for me to just go back. It wasn’t my home anymore.

So, yeah, I related to Dan when he said it felt wrong to come back to a place he called home for a long time, even knowing it might be detrimental to him or that it wasn’t like it was before. My heart breaks for him - it really is painful. I’ve never been good with ~change~, especially those slow, natural, almost imperceptible changes that happen over a long period of time. Something you don’t notice that much but one day you look up and you don’t recognize it anymore. Friends grow apart, places change, you discover new things and leave the old ones behind. It doesn’t mean the old stuff was bad or a waste of time, just that time marches on and these small losses are inevitable. We all just have to learn to live with them.

I’m not practicing counseling at the moment - I had to broaden my horizons a bit to find a job, and I wound up doing something related. I like it. It’s not the same, but I like it well enough. I’m not sure if or when I’ll go back to practicing - more than likely I will at some point, but it’s really not good for me rn. You can’t pour from an empty cup etc etc. Too much has gone on for me to really focus on helping others in that way - another death in my family a few months ago, and other garbage I don’t feel like getting into.

And honestly, I felt betrayed by a cause I had dedicated myself to for years. Grad school was, in a lot of ways, very difficult for me. Learning how to hold and process and help other people work through their shit really holds up a mirror. I worked really hard to get through it, and it was only step 1. Turns out, its hard to find a decent job when you’re not fully licensed yet. (This takes at least 2 years post-graduation where I live.) As I described it to my classmates and supervisor right before graduation, it felt like I had climbed a mountain with my bare hands. Now I was staring up at the peak of a larger, more difficult mountain. Mental health care is an absolute farce in America, as I’m sure many of you are aware, and it really is to the detriment of everyone. Nonprofit mental health centers don’t have the funding to pay clinicians fairly, and they’re so understaffed that everyone is doing much more than they should, so everyone burns out incredibly quickly. And all of this is garbage for clients, who have to jump through hoops to get what they need from counselors who are overworked and underpaid, which leads to a terrible turnover rate. Care is all too often inaccessible to the people who need it most. In short, the system is, by its very design and what it has evolved into, driving both counselors and clients away.

I must have applied for hundreds of jobs, I’m not exaggerating, over my multiple post-grad job hunts. Most didn’t even bother with a rejection email, they just ignore you. I was straight up ghosted after interviews or left on read for weeks. The absolute horror stories I could tell y’all are numerous and ridiculous. It was frustrating, but it also felt dehumanizing. There’s a real person on the other side of that resume, who really cares about what they’re doing and really wants to do something with it, and most places didn’t even acknowledge it. They make you spend undue amounts of time manually typing in everything that’s already on your resume, write an essay about how much you love them, and wait for a response that might never come, all for a job that you don’t even know the pay rate for because it’s not even on the posting. After a while, I narrowed my scope a bit, having learned the red flags that indicate a recipe for burnout. Which left me with even fewer options. You can get paid well, you can be treated well, or you can like your work - pick 2 of those 3 if you’re lucky. Some people don’t get any, and rarely does one have all 3.

That’s kind of the nature of the job market these days, but that doesn’t make it okay. Honestly, it makes it worse. I did my time! I took on the debt! I got the advanced degree! I followed all the job seeking advice in the world and I was still unemployed for 6 months at a time! And, I was lowkey mad that I had uprooted my life to do a job that I could have done from home anyway. I could have done 98% of it without moving. But as I’m sure a lot of you know, wfh policies became stupidly strict very quickly. I work in higher education, which isn’t exactly known for keeping with the times. My current job could be done 98% from home as well, but we’re allowed to wfh two days a week, so I can’t complain. I won’t pretend wfh is even good for me, even if I work in a more collaborative environment now that actually does require me to build relationships with my coworkers. I do need the change of scenery to be able to focus. And to get out of the house. Really, I’m more privileged than most, and I won’t complain about having a good stable job that I like with really awesome coworkers. It just doesn’t seem like it should have been this hard or rare.

But this is the life I chose for myself, right? If this really is my calling, what makes me the most fulfilled, then I have to deal with it. This is just the nature of the industry. It’s not fair but I can’t change it.

I’ve spent the last year trying really hard to get back on track, and I feel like I’ve done a pretty good job of it. I’m happier than I have been in a long time, despite everything. But I’m still sad that I was driven away from something I was passionate about, that it took a lot of unfortunate circumstances and being broken down by various systems that failed me and my family. It’s garbage and it’s unfair and I wish I could just go back to the way things were before all of this, but at the same time, the way things were was still demonstrably bad for me.

So, yeah, you could say I related to what Dan talked about lol. Being let down by a system you had given your all to, thinking that if you did everything right you would be rewarded, trying to navigate being a functioning human being amidst all the garbage going on in the world and inside your own head, and trying really hard to pick yourself up and keep going despite it. Again, not saying it’s a complete 1:1 parallel, but I wanted to just get all this out of my system. Mostly to prevent myself from recounting all of this in bits and pieces on other peoples gifs from the video ajdjfb but also to just hashtag vent.

Thanks for reading. I really do appreciate y’all. Even if we’ve never talked and you’ve been silently lurking here for a decade, or if we did talk on occasion 5+ years ago, or you’ve been here for like a few months tops and have no idea what I’m talking about. I owe so much to this space and the genuine kindness so many of you have shown me. I hope you’re all good. 💗

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elvendara · 3 years

Text

Mysme Reverse Big Bang

This was such an exciting project! I got to work with the

AMAZING, FANTABULOUS, INCREDIBLE, TALENTED, SKILLED, BEAUTIFUL @koutone !!!

We gushed, we sighed, we giggled over YOORAN and brought you some angst!

Here is my half of the contribution for the @mysme-rbb ! Make sure to check out @koutone 's art too! It will make you WEEP!

AO3

*spoilers for Mystic Messenger's Secret End*

The room was dark and stuffy, as if the window hadn’t been opened in months. Saeran knew that wasn’t the case, he’d been over just a few days ago. Yoosung and he had been seeing each other exclusively for almost a year and traded spending the night at each other’s places. His house was more comfortable but sometimes they didn’t want to be bothered by his brother, Saeyoung and his wife MC. It wasn’t that they minded hanging out with them, it was just that sometimes they wanted to be alone.

The younger man was an avid texter. There were times when Saeran would have to mute his phone, as it could ping ten times in thirty seconds, every thought something to be shared. It didn’t bother him one bit, though Saeran preferred to read and answer maybe once an hour. It was a system that worked well for them both. Yoosung had early on let him know that he didn’t need to respond to every text. The last several days however, Yoosung’s texting had begun to dwindle. It was so slight that at first Saeran had not noticed. Once he did, he assumed it was because his boyfriend was studying for upcoming exams, but complete silence was not something he would ever do. There hadn’t even been a single complaint about being too tired to study. He would usually try to engage Saeran in conversation so he could procrastinate. To so suddenly go radio silent for several hours was not normal for the blond. Saeran had then tried to call him, but the calls went straight to voicemail. It seemed like a giant red flag, so he had decided to check on him.

Yoosung’s room was notoriously chaotic, clothes strewn about, empty soda cans, and a trashcan that was constantly overflowing. Yet Saeran had never seen it this bad. He had to sidestep several aluminum cans and a couple of convenience store plastic food containers, and he might have stepped on a half-eaten piece of pizza. He shook his slippers off and hoped he could keep his socks clean at least. When he finally made it to the window, he threw the curtains wide open. There was a startled sound from the middle of the room and Saeran noticed a blonde head pop up. Yoosung rose to his feet, his hands over his sensitive amethyst eyes. His blond strands were in disarray and he made it more so by running his hand through the yellow locks. He sniffled, bleary eyes swollen and red, it was obvious that he had been crying for a good long while.

“Yoosung! Oh my god what is going on? What happened?” he hurried to the man, forgetting all about opening the window and letting the stuffiness out. He reached out to take his boyfriend in his arms but Yoosung startled him.

“Don’t touch me!” he slapped Saeran’s hands away. The red-head backed up a step and held his hands out in front of him.

He looked at his boyfriend critically from head to toe. There was something wrong here. This was more than just sadness. Saeran recognized the symptoms, knowing that while Yoosung hid his depression well from others, he had always been completely open with Saeran about it. This episode looked like it was going to be a hard one. He usually let Saeran comfort him quite easily and he had never seen him so angry either.

“OK.” he tried to stay calm, knowing how easily it was to overstimulate someone who was having a depressive episode. He wanted desperately to take Yoosung in his arms but knew from personal experience that it would be one of the worst mistakes he could make. Any contact when he didn’t want it would be catastrophic. He kept his voice even and tried not to sound condescending.

“How...how can you look at me! How can you love me? You can’t! I know you can’t!” Yoosung spat, some blond strands plastered to his forehead from his sweat. “You hate me! I would hate me if I were you!”

“Don’t say that. I don’t hate you Yoosung, you didn’t do anything to hurt me.”

“That’s not true! I was blind, and stupid! How could I believe she was so innocent? I should have known! I knew her the best besides V! I should have seen it! He tried to hide it, hide what she was! I did the same thing. I didn’t see who she really was because I didn’t want to! She was a monster, and I...I... I’m a monster too!” he screamed, his tightened fists striking at his thighs. It tore at Saeran’s heart.

“Please...please stop Yoosung.” Saeran pleaded, his own tears trailing down his cheeks uncontrollably.

Yoosung fell to the floor and began to slam his fists against his head. Saeran didn’t hesitate, crouching down and grabbing his wrists to pull his fists away from his head. Yoosung reacted violently, slamming his fists against Saeran and connecting with his nose painfully. It made him see stars, getting hit on the nose was excruciating, as the stinging sensation confirmed. No wonder so many defense experts taught how to do it in several different ways. He shook his head and tried to clear it, attempting to keep his balance as Yoosung kicked out blindly, hitting his legs and arms. Saeran fell back, his bloody nose forgotten as he fended off the sudden attack. He understood it was a defensive coping mechanism and not Yoosung trying to hurt him on purpose.

“I said don’t touch me!” he screamed and scuttled backwards. “I don’t deserve kindness. I deserve pain. As much pain as you went through. As much pain as everyone else that she ensnared went through! I should have seen it! But no, I didn’t want to!” he pulled his knees up to his chest and hid behind his hands sobbing uncontrollably. He continued his tirade but the words were unintelligible.

Saeran wiped his bloody nose absently with the sleeve and sat heavily. He felt useless as Yoosung raged out of control. This wasn’t the first time, but it was turning out to be his worst yet. The younger man was usually bubbly and happy, though Saeran was well aware of his depressive side. It mostly manifested with mild symptoms. Quiet crying, some shaking, negative thoughts but it had never been this severe. Yoosung had never said such horrible things about himself. He wondered what had triggered the intensity of the outburst. He got up on his knees but refrained from getting any closer to his boyfriend.

He watched helplessly as Yoosung’s body shook, the only sound between them the occasional sob and cough that wracked his body. He looked so frail, so vulnerable, as if he could be snapped in two with a snap of his fingers. He sat there in silence and felt Yoosung’s pain. He sat in the pain with him. He shared it as best he could. Whether the blond wanted him there or not, he wanted him to feel his presence. It tore at his heart to see him like this, knowing all he could do was be there. As bad as it was to go through an episode like this, being on this side of it, in his opinion, was much worse. He felt helpless, impotent, useless.

Once Yoosung’s sobs subsided somewhat Saeran spoke softly, “Yoosung, please look at me.” Yoosung only shook his head, the despair coming off him in waves. It was devastating to witness, and it made Saeran feel even more respect and appreciation for what Yoosung went through as he suffered his own bouts of depression. When they had first began to date Saeran had tried to hide those bouts, but it had only made the ensuing explosion worse. Yoosung had taken his verbal attacks with patience and love, never showing irritation about any of it. It had taken months for the red-head to realize that Yoosung was there to stay.

Now Saeran could see what a Herculean task his boyfriend had had. Several times over. The least he could do now was be there for Yoosung, no matter how much vitriol the man threw at him. This wasn’t the real Yoosung. The kind, compassionate, ray of sunshine. Yes, this was part of him, but it was a deceptive part, something deep inside of him that felt wrong or guilty for things he had no control over.

He looked like a lost child, frightened and alone. Saeran scooted forward, being careful not to come into contact with him. “I know you feel out of control right now.” he spoke gently. “And that’s OK. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

Yoosung shook his head muttering, “No no no no no... You don’t know SHIT! How could you! She hurt you, she hurt you for years! She’s my cousin! How...how can you look at me? I’m so ashamed! I’m nothing, I’m dirt, garbage! You deserve better.” he closed in on himself, his body molding against itself.

Saeran sobbed, his body shaking as he cried for the pain Yoosung was in. “Babe please, don’t do this, don’t say those things, they aren’t true.” he leaned forward wanting desperately to touch him, holding his hand out, hovering an inch from the man.

The blond looked up, red rimmed lavender eyes swimming with tears. The pain in them was agonizing. He kept his hand where it was, aching to touch him. Yoosung moved, kneeling and sitting back on his heels. He lowered his head as he rested his palms on the floor. Saeran retreated his hand back to give him room, fingers itching to settle on the mop of unruly strands.

“Yo...you don’t hate me?” Yoosung murmured quietly, his voice hoarse from so much strain. Saeran noticed stains on the front of the blond’s shirt and wondered how long he had been in this state.

“Never. I love you.” the red-head said soothingly. He dared to lay his hand on the man’s shoulder. He felt Yoosung tense up and made ready to lean away from him, but then he felt a shudder run through his body as his shoulders rounded inwards. Yoosung hugged himself and rocked back and forth, tears falling freely. Saeran wasted no time in wrapping him in his arms, whispering in his hair, rocking them both. The blond wept, his body vibrating, pain washing through him.

Saeran held him as they both sobbed. Sharing their individual pain and taking comfort from each other. He wasn’t sure how long they stayed that way, the rocking slowing to a gentle sway. Yoosung wiped at his face with the sleeve of his shirt and lay his cheek against Saeran’s chest letting out a huge sigh. “Talk to me.” Saeran said, cajoling him to voice his fears. Hoping he had calmed enough to do so.

The blond buried his face in Saeran’s shirt but his tears appeared to have been spent. “I’m so ashamed.” his voice was muffled as he spoke against the red-head's shirt.

“Of what? There’s nothing to be ashamed of.” Saeran soothed, rubbing Yoosung’s back gently.

“I let her go. I... I helped Zen help her escape.” His voice sounded like he was on the verge of more tears but they didn’t fall.

“You didn’t know.” Saeran kissed the top of his head. “Something happened, tell me.”

Yoosung hesitated. He clutched at Saeran’s shirt. He shook his head but finally took a deep breath and the red-head waited to hear something that was sure to be painful.

“She called me.” he breathed in a rush, the words seeming to need to be evacuated quickly. Saeran tensed at the revelation. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! I heard her voice. All she said was my name and it made me nauseous!” Yoosung cried. “I dropped the phone and ran to the bathroom. I don’t even know where it is now. I don’t care. I don’t want to touch it ever again. Oh God Saeran, I’m sorry!” he wrapped his arms around the older man. “I’m sick and disgusting, why would you want me? I admired her, loved her. Part of me still cares about her! How can you stand being with me when I’m such a monster?”

Saeran swallowed, closed his eyes, and tried to do the breathing exercises he’d been taught. Knowing that her voice had touched Yoosung’s ears made him almost as nauseous. He breathed in through his nose deeply and let it out through his mouth while tightening his arms around his boyfriend. The man he loved, who loved him. It wouldn’t do to lapse into his own episode and even though she had reached out to Yoosung, she could no longer touch him. He was free. Free of the pain, the fear, the brainwashing, the addiction she enfeebled him with. Free of the lies she fed him for years, that made him a true monster.

He made some shushing noises as he got himself under control, having Yoosung in his arms helped immensely.

“I know I sound crazy. The words come out of my mouth and I know they’re wrong but I can’t stop them. I feel like I’m losing my mind. It hurts. It hurts like nothing I’ve ever felt before. So deep I don’t know if it will ever stop hurting.”

“You’re not crazy, you’re just in pain and I know what that feels like.” they held each other, Yoosung still weeping softly against him. He felt the tension in Yoosung’s body loosen up as the blond leaned heavily against him. “You’re not a monster, if you were you wouldn’t feel like this. She’s been a big part of your life, of course you still care about her.”

“But...”

“No, no buts. This isn’t about me, this is about you. Come on.” he stood and pulled Yoosung up with him. He led him gently to the unmade bed. Saeran sat and lay Yoosung’s head on his lap. The blond curled up and snuggled against his thigh. The red-head ran his fingers through Yoosung’s hair, letting the golden strands fall through his fingers.

“Tell me about her. Before all of this. Tell me about the girl you knew. The one that inspired you to be a better person.” he whispered. The ache in his heart was palpable. Talking about Rika hurt him, but not as much as he thought it would. The initial shock had already worn off and all he cared about was helping Yoosung.

He felt the man stir beneath his hands, shaking his head awkwardly.

“Tell me. I want to hear.” and he meant it. Every word. He wanted to know the woman Yoosung knew. Wanted to understand what it was about her that had captured a young man’s admiration and respect. It took a few more cajoling words and murmurs but Yoosung finally opened up. He told Saeran about a young, vibrant, kind woman, who helped others, who inspired more from a young man. Yoosung fell asleep mid-sentence as Saeran’s tears fell silently above him.

#my posts #Yooran #mysme-rbb #Yoosung Kim #Saeran Choi #@koutone #best partner #spoilers #for AE #depression #angst #hurt/comfort

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bi-dazai · 3 years

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okay while we're on the subject of eating healthy and exercising, I want to vent/talk about weight loss. This is gonna be a rly controversial, very personal and extremely long post but I do want to make a point. I'm not going to discuss every fucking nuance of haes or my EDs. But for clarity, know that my eds are complicated and were mostly osfeds - minor anorexia osfed in high school and bed osfed when I was 18-19. after i realised how fat i was the minor anorexia came back and over the pandemic it became full scale anorexia nervosa.

I'm 5'3. The healthy weight range I should be in is in the high 40s-low 50s. I went up to TWICE that by the time I was just nineteen years old. It wasn't fun being fat. I consumed as much fat acceptance, fat activism content as I could, I pretended I was confident and happy even when I was fat. But I wasn't. Because people don't just get obese accidentally. A little overweight, yes. But obese? No. You get obese from depression, from giving up. You don't want to move so you don't. You're sad all the time, and the body positivity circles say eat comfort food, whatever and as much as it makes you feel better!! Do you know what that is? That's encouragement of BED. Do not say that. Because I did that. I ate sugar and junk food, I was still depressed.

I was reading these posts that were claiming fat people shouldn't be weighed at the doctor, that your weight shouldn't count, that BMI is incorrect and doesn't matter, etc etc. There were posts saying that they got "perfect bloodwork" (what even is that? I knew that was wrong, I've had chronic iron deficiency for a decade!) even though they were fat, so they had to be healthy, right? I got shown pictures of obese ballerinas and obese weightlifters blah blah blah. And I grew and grew, and I got to almost 85kg on the fast track to 100kg before reality smacked me in the face and I realised I was shortening my lifespan by decades.

Here's what it was like being obese!

- joint pain, constantly

- could barely walk anywhere without feeling out of breath

- couldn't find any fashionable, good quality clothes (plus size stores either carry unfashionable clothing, or fashionable but cheap quality clothing. I don't like to waste money on cheap clothes)

- more acne than I'd had in years

- oily skin

- more difficulty feeling "full"

- JOINT FUCKING PAIN

- rashes from skin rubbing against skin!

- even larger chest, making me MORE dysphoric

- back pain!!

- snoring - this is not just embarrassing. This is potentially deadly.

- DYSPHORIA

- KNEES. JOINT PAIN.

- DYSPHORIA

this was just things I felt physically, noticeably! The things that my fat was doing on the inside was even worse. Fat isn't just this layer of packing peanuts that appears on top of you. It coats your organs. It gets everywhere. It makes your entire body run worse.

Fat also makes it much more likely for you to not just GET cancer, but it it also makes it harder to FIGHT cancer. Being obese makes almost every single goddamn sickness on the planet worse because when you have THAT MUCH fat tissue the hormones and shit it secretes fucks EVERYTHING up.

Yes there are obese bodybuilders. Yes there are obese ballerinas. Let's talk about those two.

There are plenty of drs and dieticians who have pointed out the obvious - if an obese person was really, actually eating healthily and exercising every day, they would not stay obese forever. Its not magic, it's thermodynamics. CICO done right works for everyone. If you are eating healthy, appropriate portions for weight loss at your TDEE and exercising it would literally be IMPOSSIBLE for you not to lose weight!! Even more the heavier you are because when you exercise you carry around a lot more weight.

Obese weightlifters are still obese. They are not proof you can be obese and healthy. They are still going to die younger if they do not lose weight.

Let's talk about fat ballerinas. The only ones I've seen are trainee ballerinas, not professional ones. And their performance looks impressive at first, until you look closer. You notice their balance is never quite perfect, their control can be amazing and the best ever but they'll still be off. Why? Because fat moves around with your movement, and it displaces your balance and your line of movement. It's simply not possible to do something like ballet dancing as a fat person without risking major injury as well. En pointe is already stupid dangerous for the skinniest ballerina. Going en pointe at anything above 60kg is going to get progressively suckier the heavier you go. And god help your ankles because falling down will always end in a major injury.

I'm so fucking done with "fat acceptance". I'm tired of "body positivity" being a movement about obese middle-upper class white women and not about scars and disabilities etc like it was focused on in the start. I have no problems with Health at Every Size - every person should feel happy to workout, to eat healthy. I have no problem raising issue with people bullying others for their weight as well. That's wrong. But pretending that it's Healthy at Every Size is a fucking lie, and it's one that could've sentenced me to an early death. Healthy at Every Size said I was condemned to joint pain and oily skin and depression and exhaustion for the rest of my life based on cherrypicked sentences from studies that didn't agree with them. That "95% of diets fail" sentence in particular drives me up the wall. You don't need a diet to lose weight, you need healthy CICO, you need to eat below your TDEE, you need to eat healthy, and you need to exercise. All you have to do at first is go on a 10-20 minute walk, whatever pace you like, a few times a week.

You can BE fit, you CAN lose weight! You are not sentenced to having joint pain and an increased risk for cancer and a less effective COVID vaccine for life. You can change your body in incredibly ways. You have no idea what you are capable of.

There's this myth that weight loss takes keto and shakes and diet pills and crash diets etc. It doesn't. All it is is making sure you eat less than your TDEE, eating HEALTHY calories, and getting your heartrate up by exercising at least 175 minutes a week.

The human body is not meant to be obese. There's no such thing as a set point weight. There's CICO, there's nutrition, there's making sure your muscles dont atrophy. Weight loss and fitness isn't some magic thing that youre just born able to do. I was lazy throughout my entire teens. I thought fitness was something the popular girls did. It's not. It's for everyone. and everyone, especially in places with an obesity epidemic such as the US, UK, and Australia, should make use of it. It's a good thing. Walking is one of the best things you can do for your body, and it's incredibly rewarding in every way. Eating healthy and not eating until you feel like you're going to burst is rewarding in every way. And it's not like you can't ever have junk food again, you just have to limit it to a treat, a once or twice per week thing. And honestly, it makes it much more enjoyable that way.

Now I want to talk a little about my anorexia. My weight loss journey came to anorexia. This is because it was an eating disorder I'd had for a long time. I did not see a trainer or dietician, and I consciously decided to push myself too far. I consciously decide to eat less and exercise more when I am starving. This is not something that just happens because someone is eating at 1200cals. It happens because you have an eating disorder which you are born with. Saying people who eat 1200cals of healthy food a day and exercise right are "anorexic" is so fucking insulting to everyone involved. It's ableist and ignorant. 1200cals is also a pretty generous amount for anorexic ppl to eat. That's close to a binge in ED standards, so that should give you a reference for how offbase saying 1200cals is "anorexic" is.

My anorexia is healthy habits pushed into eating disorder territory. I eat healthy, yes, but I don't eat enough. I exercise, yes, but I often push myself too far when I'm already lacking energy. The advice I give people for health is correct, and I'm never going to go around saying "eat less than 1200cals" as weightloss advice. Eat less, sure, but there's a limit. Calorie counting is a good thing to do, tracking your macros and nutrients is good. But I do it too much.

I know what's healthy, a lot of ppl with restrictive and purgative EDs do. People with EDs can give some awesome health advice, we just can't follow it because we have a mental disorder. Believe it or not people with EDs discussing their EDs are not "pro-ana", pointing out that anorexia and people with anorexia are real and not some boogeyman you use to justify not losing weight and eating healthy is not pro-ana. Anorexia existing is not pro-ana and anorexics being anorexic has nothing to do with fatphobia.

this post is a rambling mess but i rly had to get some stuff clear on how I feel abt this stuff because it's getting concerning how much unhealthy shit, and then straight up ableist shit, that the fat acceptance crowd spews out.

A little exercise won't kill you, eating healthy won't kill you. You are not sentenced to ugly plus size fashion and joint pain and being out of breath for the rest of your life. Leave the Healthy at Every Size death cult and join the Health at Every Size movement. Let the doctor take your weight (it IS medically necessary). acknowledge that you are obese and it is affecting your health. It's scary but it can be the start of a new, healthy beginning. It was for me.

Losing 15kg has been the best thing in my life. Sure, the anorexia is there enjoying it for one reason. But the reason I truly enjoy it is because I've discovered what a healthier body feels like. I've discovered the joys of exercise, I've discovered the joys of eating healthy. I can fit nice clothes now. And I'm still overweight! I'm 66kg, that's 4kg away from the barest minimum acceptable healthy bmi. But I feel so so much better. I look better. I have a jawline! Good skin! Energy! It didn't fix me but it sure made me a hell of a lot better.

Please please try and eat healthy, eat an appropriate amount, go for walks. It's so so good, and if you do it right you WILL lose weight. You'll live past 50. You'll get to explore the world in a way you couldn't when going up stairs had you out of breath. You'll fit into that nice skirt you've been looking at. Your skin will clear up. You'll have energy and your mental health will improve.

It's so so fucking worth it to put effort into your health, like I cannot emphasise this enough. Please do it, I wish I could tell myself this when I was binging on junk because the FA crowd told me it was valid to comfort eat until I hurt.

#long post #this is mostly a vent but yeah #basically my decision is that im not touching any fat activism fatphobia etc with a ten foot pole #esp on this blog except to discuss my personal experience with it ie this post #personal #ok to rb #sorry for not putting it under a readmore im on mobile

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sunflowerandco · 3 years

Text

Act VI: Looking Back

Rating: T for language

previous acts on the link in my bio :)

Hey everyone. After my favorite combo meal of some good ol' depression™ and school, I'm back to writing! I really hope you enjoy and I'm very thankful for all of the support if you stuck around this long. Thank you so much ❤

I hope you enjoy this origin story for Duncney in this universe

5 years before Act V

Bridgette approached a very focused Courtney in the hall. "Hey, Court. Got any plans this weekend?"

She responded, her face still buried in the locker she was trying to organize before heading home for the weekend. "Studying, studying, and more studying. I've got two AP exams in two weeks and my livelihood depends on me getting good enough grades."

"Is there any chance you have one day to let yourself have some fun?"

Courtney pondered and knew her response wouldn't please her friend. Still, she delivered it with a smile. "No." She knew Bridgette's campaign for fun was coming any second now as she shut her locker.

“You’ve been studying all week, Courtney. Come to Wasaga with us! My step-dad lent me the beach house for the weekend.”

Courtney felt apprehensive at the idea of a day on the beach with Bridgette, Geoff and their insistent need to suck face most of the time. “No thanks. I don’t want to be your third wheel.”

“You won’t be! It won’t be just me and Geoff. He practically invited our lunch period. Plus, Duncan’s coming...”

“And that holds significance to my decision because...?”

“...Because you like him.”

“I do not! He’s annoying, has no regard for authority, and is so, totally gross. I don’t need you setting up dates for me. At least not another disaster like Bradley.”

“To be fair, you did have a crush on him.”

“That was before I knew he was a total jerk.”

“What matters is that you gave him a chance. Why not give Duncan one? I've seen the way you look at him.” Courtney gave her look, signaling her to quiet down in front of everyone else occupying the halls. Bridgette smiled triumphantly and shrugged her shoulders matter-of-factly, finally getting through to Courtney.

"See? I'm never wrong." Bridgette walked off presumably to find Geoff. "I'll pick you up at two."

"I didn't say yes!"

"Love you, too!"

***

Courtney could deal with sweaty teenagers in a crowded setting. She could deal with speakers blaring in her ears. But, she couldn't stand to see Bradley's face across the room before running to Bridgette.

"Why is Bradley here?!"

"I don't know! I know for a fact Geoff didn't invite him. He was the only person off limits."

She knew she'd have to spend the better half of her day avoiding Bradley.

Courtney stood in front of the bathroom mirror of the beach house, washing her hands and reapplying her lip balm. For one thing, she had to hide from the guy she wasted a month of her life on. On the other hand, she couldn't find him. Not that she cared. Oh, no, no, no. Not Courtney. She didn't come to this outing hoping she'd find him. And she would never admit that even to herself.

When she exited the washroom, she bumped into a brown-haired, blue polo-wearing dudebro practically standing in front of the door.

"Hey, Courtney. You know you can't avoid me forever."

"It doesn't hurt to try."

"Listen, I just wanted to talk."

"In order for that to happen, there'd have to be something to talk about."

"Well, there is. I want to start all over. You and me. I've got drafts coming up for university football. Having a girl on my arm would help with my image and, well, I figured you could benefit changing that uptight, boring image everyone has on you."

Courtney scoffed, feigning interest. "Wow. While that sounds incredibly tempting-" Courtney started off with sarcasm.

Bradley wasn't the most receptive to rejection, but still persisted. "I knew you'd see it my way. It would help the both of us."

Courtney rolled her eyes at his insistent need to cut her off at every chance she had to speak. Her eyes diverted from his and her eyes gravitated to the neon green hair she spotted across the room. He hadn't noticed her stare, but seeing him made a sense calm take over her mind.

"...I'm gonna have to pass. Don't come up to me again wasting my time. I don’t need to associate myself with an asshole like you."

She finally felt like he would leave her alone for the remainder of senior year after letting him hear it. Courtney knew that wasn't the answer he wanted from his displeased layer of expression on his face. She held her hand out with a smile.

"Pleasure doing business with you." He begrudgingly shook her hand to save face from possible onlookers.

***

Duncan, Geoff, and DJ were all engrossed in conversation when Duncan's attention rerouted in Courtney's direction. DJ's voice faded slowly out of the forefront. "...All I'm saying is if dude didn't want his underwear up the flagpole, he should stop leaving it around the locker room!"

"What is he doing here?" Duncan was covertly protective over Courtney in the aspect of terrible ex-boyfriends. His reaction to seeing her shake hands with him made Geoff and DJ turn in that direction.

"I don't know, man. I swear I didn't invite that joke. It seems like they're making up, so that's good." The can Duncan held warped in shape as his grip tightened.

It was no secret how Duncan felt about Bradley. He had to spend two months convincing people that pantsing him, throwing eggs at his car and TP'ing his house were all in the name of fun and not some way of avenging Courtney.

He didn't mean to avoid her after the fact, but it made controlling his emotions easier.

***

Courtney, fresh off of telling Bradley off, finally felt she was able to enjoy herself for the day. As the day transitioned into a darker, breezy evening, her introverted nature dwindled as she allowed herself to let go. Catching up with acquaintances from various classes, taking in the ocean views, and the overall atmosphere made her feel recharged in a rare feat. Still, it was hard to find Duncan while sticking to Bridgette's side. She'd hate to verbally admit she missed trading meaningless quips with him, and it was out of the ordinary for them to be in the same setting without exchanging any words. She separated from her friend when she wandered around several spaces of the house. Then, she heard him.

He was projecting his conversation loud enough for onlookers to hear what he said. "It's actually sad how many times and ways I had to reject that girl. Even today I had to tell her to stay away from me. I mean, why would I want to associate with her?" A few laughs could be heard from the same acquaintances she caught up with at his declarations of rejection all created by him.

Duncan decided he'd heard enough and approached him. "You better watch you say around here. Courtney's not around to defend herself, and I'm known for not using my words to solve problems."

"Oh? Is that bitch your piece of ass for the week?" Bradley immediately felt threatened at how much Duncan was fuming at him. Duncan swung a fist, but he moved out of the way quick enough to dodge the attack.

Geoff immediately came between the two of them to settle the tension. "Just get out of here, dude."

***

She heard every word of it. She didn't want to defend herself for once. Her mind just kept repeating to itself. You need to get out. She sat on the sand with her knees pulled to her chest. Courtney felt Duncan sit next to her without a greeting. She still spoke lowly to fill the silence between them. "What gives him the right to think he can do and say whatever he pleases like that?!"

"You're right. Let me let him have it, Princess."

"No, it's not worth it. He's not, at the very least. And you need to stop getting into trouble all the time."

At the time, Duncan's need for revenge couldn't be subdued. He'd let it go for now, but his mind wouldn't rest until he felt justice was served on that rich, entitled fuck. "It's not like anyone cares if I do. Everyone just wants to police me-"

"I do." She immediately retreated to the ocean's view after she blurted those two words out pretty angrily.

A silent moment passed between the two of them. His brain felt like mush hearing that and seeing the bright reflection of the moon on her skin. All of his previous thoughts were clouded leaving one subject clear. He quietly said the first thing that came to his mind. "You look beautiful."

Courtney had gotten used to Duncan calling her nicknames. They were mostly delivered backhanded in response to her insults. This time it was unprovoked. It blurred the lines between real and fake. She decided not to respond and change the subject instead. She crossed her arms in defense of the drop in temperature. "I want nothing more than to leave this stupid place."

"Here." He said as he peeled the t-shirt off his back. Courtney truly didn't mean to stare as the fabric became less and less attached to his torso. He handed it to her after noticing she shivered when the wind picked up speed. She looked away quicker than she wanted him to notice.

"As if I need another reason for people to look at me weirdly."

He knew she just reacted the way they're expected to treat each other, but it still upset him for reasons he couldn't decipher fast enough. She immediately noticed his face fall, instantly regretting her delivery. "I didn't really mean that. Thank you." She smoothed out the wrinkles after letting the shirt fall over her body.

He couldn't stay mad at her for long, especially when her regret was so apparent on her face. Duncan considered the embarrassment she faced, and figured she was trying to regain some normalcy in their relationship. "Don't worry about it. Let me take you home."

Courtney didn't object, following him through the sandy plains to his car. After finding a tank top in the trunk, he slipped it over his upper half. Duncan opened the door on the passenger side for Courtney to enter. Moments that didn't include bickering scared Courtney. it was an occurrence that gave her mind the opportunity to wonder what a prolonged version of this happenstance would result in. Her feelings floating to the surface of her deeply buried psyche.

***

He didn't mean to drive in radio silence, but Duncan was more nervous than he'd like to admit. He almost ran a red light when he noticed the newly-acquired tan the sun gave her soft, warm skin as she crossed her legs in the passenger seat. He slammed on the brakes just in time, still startling her. "Duncan! I didn't accept your offer with the expectation of dying in your car!" It wasn't the greatest question, but he was relieved she opened a window of conversation to flow between them.

"What was your expectation, then, Princess?"

"Delinquent-proof driving!"

"You know it wouldn't kill you to be...nice?"

"And ruin the amazing dynamic of our relationship? I wouldn't dare!"

"I don't want anything to be 'ruined' either. Nothing will stop me from annoying you, no matter what happens between us."

Courtney relinquished in relief. She then remembered the very moment her fear took over. Acknowledging it meant accepting the affect his words had on her. Accepting those indulgent stares and rare, shared smiles. Despite her fears, she asked. "If you don't want anything to change, why did you call me beautiful the way you did?"

Surprised by the indicative effect of his words, Duncan responded as if the answer were so obvious, still attentive to the road ahead of him. "Because you are...? Nothing's gonna change because of that. I've always thought you were. I'll stop if you want me to."

Courtney felt her heart triple in size when she boldly responded, letting herself say whatever her heart told her to. "Don't... stop?" She stammered, even changed the pace of her words as she fought off her nervousness. "I... don't want you to stop."

"Okay, beautiful." Courtney's chest radiated with warm waves as she looked out the window. She looked in the opposite direction and noticed one of his hands resting in the space between their seats. Her mind and heart wrestled back and forth between doing what truly called to her. To shut them up, she turned her attention to the road ahead. And, like some gravitational pull, her hand made it's way toward his free one. A swipe of the back of each other's hands was enough to: burn beneath the surface of their skin; Duncan immediately caught on to her intentions. He tried to stay focused on the road as they fumbled, palm to palm, and slowly interlocked their fingers with the other's one-by-one. The silence after realizing how perfectly they fit was easy, comfortable, yet deafening.

At a red light, Duncan used the hand on the steering wheel to turn the radio to any random station he saved. Neither of them knew the song, but wouldn't forget any lyric of it after this.

You can't stop us on the road to freedom

You can't stop us 'cause our eyes can see

Men with insight, men in granite

Knights in armor intent on chivalry

She's as sweet as Tupelo honey

She's an angel of the first degree

***

When he pulled up to her street and their hands pulled apart, Courtney felt hollow. Duncan's mind conjured ways to make the moment last longer. "I'll walk you to your door." Courtney didn't object once more, smiling at his reciprocated persistence.

"Okay." The path, while short and forward in leading them to the door, gave them time before the eventual goodbye they dreaded. Courtney fumbled with her keys hoping to buy more time. Fleeting, fickle, borrowed time for a moment they used to curse themselves for dreaming of. He initiated.

"So... see you on Monday?"

"Of course. Um...thanks. For everything."

"It's no problem, Courtney. Goodnight." He leaned in and Courtney's breathing wavered. Duncan gave her a quick peck on the cheek. Courtney's hand rose to her face in an attempt to calm the burning sensation he left. This would suffice for what he really wanted to do. If he was right about the impact he assumed he had, he was doing the right thing for now.

Courtney hated to see him walk further from her and toward the car. In some entranced state, her hand grabbed his wrist, pulling him in closer.

Maybe she leaned in the wrong way; she over-estimated the distance between them as their noses collided with each other's causing them to both groan in pain. Her ache quickly shifted to embarrassment as she hastily spilled out her rambled apologies. "I'm so-so sorry! Oh my God. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"

Her rambling ceased when Duncan pulled her in once again, his lips crashing onto hers with a yearning force. Her lips quickly overlapped his as his fingers tangled themselves in her hair, her arms linking around his neck. They parted for air but remained still with their hands attached to the other.

He'd never done something so worth it, unaware of the events to come.

#duncney #td duncan #td courtney #duncney fanfic

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