#firebird.txt

[the-indigo-symphony]

the real system rite of passage is helping someone else discover they're a system

[rahn-poh]

nooo soothouse dont stop uploading you’re all so sexy aaahaaahaaa

[the-indigo-symphony]

I know it can come off as more medical or whatever, but honestly, I really like the word "amnesia". Makes me feel like I'm some badass protagonist on a quest to discover what happened to them.

*deep, gravelly voice* My clues are a tab my phone was open to and a pair of scissors in my hand. I know where I am, but not how I got here or why I came. I have no clear time limit for solving this mystery. May the games begin.

[the-indigo-symphony]

I swear, sometimes switching is just like

*record scratch* *movie protagonist voice* "Hey, yeah, that's me. You're probably wondering how I got here.

"Well, I am too."

[the-indigo-symphony]

bug headmates in a system fronting together call that cocoon

Okay, this one got me. Perfect pun, 10/10

[the-indigo-symphony]

Disability Pride Month is a complicated time for us, as we have a complicated relationship with the word "disabled". Technically, we could use it to describe ourselves, but between our history with it and the way our conditions affect our life, it's not really something we're comfortable using. Instead, we typically either describe our specific problems (ex. our chronic pain), or use other terms, like "disordered", "with a condition", or even "handicapped". Occasionally, we'll play around with words and describe ourselves as "someone with conditions that can be disabling", but "disabled" as a word is not really one we use for ourselves.

... Which makes it a bit estranging when we enter Disability Pride Month and, oh, look! Lots of people talking about the same struggles we face! Lots of people with our same conditions and problems speaking up about them! Lots of people spreading awareness about how to make things more inclusive and accessable for people like me! Lots of people showing pride for... how they fall under an umbrella term that we don't personally use. Yeah, it gets awkward fast.

But I've come to accept this awkwardness. I don't really mind the widespread use of the word "disabled" – it's fitting, and it works as an umbrella term for a lot of difficulties and/or inabilities people have. Honestly, my main complaint is with those who accuse folks like me (who could describe themselves as disabled but choose not to) as "just having internalized ableism". My fellow on Earth, I promise you, even if that's the case, shoving people into a label before they're ready for it will not help. Maybe go target the causes for this hypothetical internalized ableism before you start demanding people just get over it. (Also, aren't we supposed to show support for both person-first language and identity-first language, depending on a given individual's preference? Some people just prefer the former, especially if some of the disableism they've faced is people refusing to see them as a person; show some compassion, jeez. Someone describing themself as "a person with disabilities" rather than "a disabled person" is not your enemy.)

But anyway. Happy pride month to all those like me, who have complicated relationships with the disabled label and/or community. Having pride during this month can be awkward or difficult at times, but you're not a bad person for opting out of an umbrella term, or not being ready to use it. I hope you're able to find words and community that work best for you!

[the-indigo-symphony]

The more I reflect on how we present as a system to an outsider's point of view – particularly and especially, before our syscovery – the more I've come to realize we're really not as covert as I used to think. We changed (and often still change) accents, speech patterns, personality, answers to questions, taste, style, habits, temper, etc. so openly, only making any conscious effort to mask to the extent of not being accused of being a liar or fake (in the personality sense, not fakeclaiming sense) due to these changes. But other than that? It may have been "covert" to us, but certainly not to others – and even then, I think we ourselves recognized, on some level, that we didn't have a lot of consistency. We just didn't have the words for what was happening, or the headspace (in the feeling sense, not the innerworld sense) to process it as a part of our lives.

It gives me mixed feelings about no one else catching on to what was happening. If we-I didn't have words for such a fundamental part of who we are, how can we blame the ones who probably didn't have those words to teach us in the first place? ... But then, you'd think someone would have given it a second glance, given all those we've met over the course of our lives who commented on our changes. Given all those who noticed something was "wrong" with us, you'd think at least one of them would have cared about it (cared about us, maybe) enough to lend a hand and listening ear.

And this is just about our plurality. It doesn't even cover the memory issues or the dissociation. All those other things people noticed enough to give us grief us for, but not enough to be concerned for the person living with them.

This is starting to sound like a vent, so let me bring it back to the original point I was aiming to make with this post: trying to find exactly whether we fit better into the description of "covert" or "overt" is complicated, a lot more so than it used to seem. It sounds so simple, at first – do people notice you're a system, yes or no? But then you think, and learn to ask – do they have to notice you're a system, or just that you're weird?

(It's easier to notice that someone is weird than it is to care about why they're weird, it seems. They can notice we're weird because we change so often, but we had to figure out ourselves that we change so often because we're plural.)

We've spoken on this topic in the past, so this whole dilemma isn't new to us. These are just some thoughts on where we ourselves lie on it.

[the-indigo-symphony]

Can people who dont use the label proship/arent part of the community but hold the ideals interact? Im sorry if this ask violates your boundaries, I would just like to know if I can follow you, if this is upsetting feel free to delete it and I'll assume you don't want me to interact

There's not one consistent set of "ideals" or "values" that the proship community holds (it's more of a spectrum across the same side of a topic), so I don't know exactly what you mean when you say you hold those ideals. That said, I'd say it's fine as long as you aren't personally part of that community, as my issues with it surround that in particular rather than any individual proshipper, or any individual ideals one may have.

[the-indigo-symphony]

I agree with the fusion thing

Some of our littles are terrified of the idea of "not" existing and one had a breakdown because of it :(

It's just.. Not for everyone

And to cope with it would be a struggle, we're still trying to figure *this* out

I get that. It can be really useful!! But it can also be a complicated process (esp. with getting back on your feet afterwards – or, as you put it, coping with the change; a lot I see on fusion almost frames it as something that instantly produces results, when really it can take time to settle into), and it requires thought put into it. If at the end of that thinking you come out deciding it's not for you, that's a-okay!!

[the-indigo-symphony]

NGL, we've discussed it amongst ourselves, and while we would never go for full/final fusion (no shame to those who do, it's just not something we want), there are those of us who would be willing to fuse if the process wasn't what it was for our system. By that I mean – first and foremost, it typically takes forever for us to fuse, not to mention get back on our feet afterwards. One of us fused with a fragment a good few months back and is still recovering in the innerworld. Whether the long recovery time is worth the possibility of fewer identity and dissociative issues is a choice each headmate has to individually make, and for most of us? We lean towards preferring to find work-arounds than commit to giant changes.

Then there's the uncertainty of those who fuse might be afterwards. Findley and Rainbow, for instance, have considered fusing, but they both have parts of themselves that they don't want to risk losing. It's still an option on the table, but both of them would be much more inclined to the decision if they had the choice of what core parts of their identity would remain. Of course, we all know fusion doesn't work like a character customization screen, but if would be much more reassuring if it did.

Perhaps how fusion works for our system will change over time and become easier. I don't expect us ever changing our mind about preferring to aim for functional multiplicity over final fusion, but some fusion could potentially help in some areas, and I wish it was already easier for those of us who do wish to fuse.

[the-indigo-symphony]

Quite frankly I never got the importance of origins cause like I’m a little busy trying to rangle myself & others and keep the asshole (partial cat partial shapeshifting almost fungus thing) from eating a dead lizard

Yeah, same. For us, finding the origins of specific headmates can help give those headmates a place to start with their identity (esp. since it's often one of the first core parts of themselves that they can pin down), but as a whole? We're a little "meh" on it. Being polyfragmented has a lot more impact on our system than the origins that got us to the point of polyfragmentation. And as you say, the everyday life of being a system can be much more important than how we became a system.

Like. I'm gonna use this ask to branch out a little bit. If someone were to ask, specifically, we would be alright with telling them about our DID and what we theorize to be the the trauma that caused it, since we like to be open with those kinds of things to make others with the same or similar personal issues feel less alone. However, in our daily life, it's not really something we think about often. Rather, we focus a lot more on how that trauma impacts us now, and how we can better manage it in both the present and future. I suppose one could say we focus more on being traumatized than being traumagenic. We take an approach of our system falling under the traumagenic umbrella, and thus "traumagenic" applies as a label when it's useful, but using "trauma-based" whenever we want to discuss our current system and other mental health issues amongst ourselves. For others, "traumagenic" already covers this sort of thing, but for us, it's just a category for classification purposes.

I think that may be another thing that tires me about origin discourse – origins mean different things to different people, but so many frame them as What Defines A System Now And Forever, which is. Not very helpful. Sometimes, they're just not that important to people, or they're important for a reason that you wouldn't expect. I hope when this brand of discourse calms down – since I do expect it to fade with time, even if it'll likely be at least few years until it becomes more of a fringe attitude – we can start discussing more about origins outside of whether or not it makes you a "real" system.

[rahn-poh]

jake from s1 of the love island game rlly said lesbian rights huh

[rahn-poh]

once my laptop comes and i learn how to be good at minecraft, it’s over for you bitches

[rahn-poh]

the tampon story

i'm pretty sure this is the only exciting school story i have (or at least i can think of right now) so i'm gonna tell it to you guys my guy friend had never seen a tampon before (and his parents had rules about computer stuff so he couldn't look it up on the internet) and asked me to bring one so i brought one and showed it to him in one of our free periods and then some other people came over and we made a "totally not suspicious" circle around whoever was holding the tampon while whispering "we have to throw it away" "WHAT IF SOMEONE SEES IT THOUGH" (if the teachers saw us with it they'd probably send us to the principal's office for being "too inappropriate") and then a teacher came over and i stuffed the tampon up my jacket sleeve even though i still looked hella suspicious and was blushing and she asked us what we were talking about and i'm horrible at lying so i was like "just... ya know... stuff" and everyone else was like "yeah yeah!!! totally!!!" and she was about to ask us another question before this loud girl started screaming about how she finally saved up enough """cash""" (our school has fake money so you can buy pencils and notebooks and other supplies) to get something and drew the attention of the teacher and everyone else in near our group so then my guy friend took the tampon and stuffed it away at the bottom of the trashcan.

[rahn-poh]

okay so i know very little abt college but the one thing i am sure of is that the True College Experience is having that one Shitty Couch that was picked up off the side of the rode and having it in the One Dorm that everyone always hangs out at

[rahn-poh]

i cant stop thinking about connor on the goopcast. like blease... can we please have connor on the goopcast