#for the last 4 months my life has been in stupid crisis mode | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

exo-can · 5 years

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Growing Pains: River Lea

A collection inspired by Adele’s album 25

Part: 1) When We Were Young 2) I Miss You 4)Send My Love (To Your New Lover)

WARNING: Smut, consensual but angsty.

“It’s been weeks,” A heavy sigh pushed past your lips making the coffee you held ripple, almost daring to splash over the edge. You almost wanted it to, just to see if it would quell all the thoughts bouncing around your brain for a moment. “Why can’t I stop thinking about him?!”

Hearing the frustration oozing from your voice, Luna’s eyes softened sympathetically. Her words were unusually careful when she offered, “Maybe your heart is trying to give you a sign?”

“What do you mean?” Your eyes squinted as a warning for her to tread carefully while you took a sip from your mug, the store still bustling around you.

“I mean,” Luna started, the jingling of the coffee shop door sounding as she spoke. “Maybe you’re not being honest with yourself with how you feel about him and Woojin.”

“I love Woojin.” You deadpanned, knowing you were being difficult. Then again, you were always difficult lately.

“I know you do,” Luna replied, exasperated. “Look, I’m not saying Woojin isn't a good guy. I actually think he’s a great guy. But that night was supposed to be about closure and obviously that's not what happened. We love different people in different capacities and no relationship is the same as the last. Obviously some part of you isn’t satisfied, you’d do better to understand that now than figure it out later like I did in college. Maybe you’re missing something that you had with Yoongi. Or maybe it’s just because you slept with him and old feelings are clouding new ones and confusing you. If you still want to be with Woojin--”

“I do.” You reaffirmed, though not just to her.

She was silent for a moment, save for the tap of her nail on her mug. “Have you told him?”

“No,” you shook your head, staring down at the brown liquid in your cup. Guilt gnawed at your stomach, but fear overpowered it. “How can I?”

“I hate to break it to you, but you’ll have to eventually. Don’t wait too long, okay?” You groaned, but nodded anyway. “In any case, I think talking to Yoongi would help.”

You looked at her confused. “How?”

“I think it’d give you an inkling of how you’re actually feeling seeing as you were drunk last time.” She shrugged. “Just my opinion though.”

“I..” you trailed off into a murmur. Mulling over her suggestion you tried to imagine what you would even say, ‘hey Yoongs, sorry to bother you but I really need to see you so i can determine whether or not having sex with you was because I still love you or not regardless of how you’re feeling about it’? Sinking into your seat, you willed the universe to just let you turn back time just this once. Life had been so much easier before that stupid party. But fate was cruel and you weren’t blessed with time turning powers, nor had you come across anything that had been. In all honesty, you knew that Luna was probably right but there were a few obstacles standing in your way. For one, you didn’t even know what his phone number was or where he lived and you sure as hell weren’t going to ask Taehyung for it. Lord knows you would never hear the end of it if you did. Secondly, on top of not knowing what to say if you did get to meet up with him, every time you pictured yourself alone with him your mind would stray to thoughts that most definitely weren’t appropriate for someone who wasn’t your boyfriend. Like the way his lips had felt like pillows. Or how sinews of muscle had tensed under your touch. Even the way his lithe frame had glistened in the moonlight as droplets of pool water dripped down his chest further, and further, and -- Shaking your head to will away your daydream, you finally answered with cheeks the color of cherries, “I can’t do that.”

Luna smirked and for a moment you were terrified that even if the universe had been so cruel to you, perhaps it had been gracious to her and she could see every thought that touched your mind. Taking a sip of her drink, she shrugged, “Suit yourself, but Tae and I are planning a get together to celebrate the first song Yoongi has worked on being released soon if you change your mind.”

“Since when do you and Tae hold parties together? Not to mention for Yoongi?” You replied, moving your gaze to the window, watching people walking past the quaint coffee shop on the street. He’s already done one? He must be doing well...

A nervous laugh bubbled out of Luna’s mouth, “about that…”

Your head snapped back to see her fiddling with her mug, a blush tinting the apples of her cheeks. “What?”

“Tae and I…” she murmured, eyes catching yours exactly once before fluttering down to her lap. Her voice barely reached your ears as she finished quickly, “we maybe, sort of hooked up which maybe kind of turned into us going on a date?”

“You…” Vaguely, you knew you probably looked like a fish with how far your mouth was hanging open. Shocked, you didn’t think about the volume of your voice before you boomed, “What?!”

“Oh my god, Y/N. Would you keep it down?” She exclaimed, glancing around the small coffee shop as the blush on her cheeks reached her ears.

Your eyes drifted to the other patrons, mumbling small ‘sorry’s even though you were too dumbfounded to actually care. Once you finally finished with apologies, you said in a much more hushed tone, “When?”

Tucking her hair behind her ears, she replied sheepishly, “At the party.”

“Wait, as in the same party as…” She nodded, not daring to look at you. It wasn’t as though you hadn’t noticed their incessant flirting, but to be frank, that was something they had been doing for years. When Yoongi had said that all the rooms were taken, you had just assumed that he meant that it was the others who were in them and not your two best friends. As you realized your mistake, your heart began to sink in your chest. “Why didn’t you say something before?”

“I was going to. Really, I was.” She sighed softly, fiddling with her nearly empty mug. “I was actually going to tell you the morning after it happened but you were freaking out about Yoongi and I don’t know, I just didn’t want to add anything to your stress.”

A frown settled on your lips and self loathing roared in your heart for what seemed like the millionth time over the past month. How could I have been so self absorbed? “I’m sorry, Luna. I really am happy for you though. I know how long you two have been drooling over each other.”

“Thanks,” She replied, completely dismissing your teasing to reassure you instead, “but don’t be sorry. I’m the one who never told you.”

“Yeah,” you shrugged, disappointment in your lack of attentiveness toward your closest friend when she had practically doted on you for the past few weeks while you were in crisis mode. “But I should’ve known something was up. You’ve only been flirting for what, six- seven years?”

She giggled at that, “Don’t, Y/N. It’s seriously fine. I wasn’t sure I wanted everyone to know just yet anyway.”

“What? Why? ” You quirked your head. You’d never known Luna to be anyone besides the person who shouted anything and everything that happened to her through a megaphone. There were very few times when she withheld anything from you besides when… Your mouth shaped an ‘o’ as you jumped to conclusions about why she could have been avoiding telling you. “Was he bad in bed?!”

She laughed loudly at your assumption and a furious blush reignited at her cheeks, “actually, it’s the complete opposite. He--”

“Ew, gross. Actually, I really don’t wanna know about your sex lives when you are basically my siblings.” you said, scrunching your nose and shuddering dramatically. “Everything else, though. Dish.”

Just like that, she delved into a giggling tangent while you fingered the handle of your mug, grateful to have even the smallest amount of normalcy grace your life.

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His ink colored irises bored into yours as his fingers ghosted over the flesh of your waist. His mouth was inches from yours; so close that you could feel the moist warmth of his breath fanning against your lips. Dipping down, the plush pillows of his lips grazed yours before gliding down your jaw, making you shudder as you tried your hardest to imagine the scent of him replacing the actual fragrance that lingered around you. Distantly, you recognized that the fingers drifting down to your panties weren’t his but you willed yourself to replace each touch with the one you’d felt weeks prior. Grateful for the darkness of night camouflaging your face, you kept the lids of your eyes squeezed shut.

Digits scratched over your skin as they yanked the damp fabric down your legs. Like a movie playing on your closed lids, you could see the way he would’ve smirked at you when he exposed you because ‘I’ve barely touched you’. You allowed a moan to bubble up from your chest, aching for him to just touch you where you really craved it. In your mind’s eye, you could see the way his smirk would have disappeared into something less teasing, something darker. There was no foreplay, as there often wasn’t when it came to the man who was actually towering over you. His length prodded your entrance and you dutifully spread your legs wide, trying your best to not let the sigh of disappointment pass the confines of your mouth as he filled you.

His thrusts were shallow and unfulfilling and your mind couldn’t help but remind yourself of how well you’d been filled out by the person you were imagining between your legs before. You ached for more. For him. Even as your boyfriend did his best to pleasure you in the moment, it was nothing to the mere memory of the man in your fantasies. If you tried hard enough, you could almost feel how his fingers had dug into your hips hard enough to leave little half moons behind. Squeezing your eyes shut, you wound your arms around the man above you, morphing every touch into someone else’s.

“Yoo-” Eye’s snapping open, you caught yourself and tried your best to mask your slip up with a lie, “You feel so good, babe.”

He grinned down at you, not even catching the way you peeked to the side to avoid giving yourself away. Every time your walls clenched around him, you noted the differences between how your boyfriend felt compared to the man who plagued your mind and filled each gap with memories of the latter. And yet nothing was enough.

Feeling Woojin’s thrusts getting more frantic and even more sloppy than they had been before, disappointment bloomed in your chest. Keeping a frown at bay, you prepared yourself to perform an act that you’d practically perfected over the last few weeks. Playing along well enough to keep your partner happy, you read his form. Gauging his pleasure, you waited for the moment when he lost himself in you to become the makeshift actress. A disingenuous moan made its way up your throat, Woojin lowering himself to rest on his forearms as a small grin graced his lips. It was so blatantly obvious to you that your cry of pleasure was a poor imitation of what you really sounded like, but Woojin ate it up. Retreating into yourself, frustration made tears shimmer in the corners of your eyes as Woojin buried his face into your neck and his thrusts slowed and his length softened.

Strands of your hair fell in front of your face as your head lolled to the side, barely wincing when he slipped out of you. Refusing to look at him, you halfheartedly responded when he kissed your clavicle and murmured words of affection. You felt like you were about to burst when he ran his thumb across the skin of your cheek. A swirling pit of darkness making its home in your heart as he stared down at your quiet form, before whispering, “Babe, is everything okay with us?”

Taking a shuddering breath you forced yourself to swallow the lump in your throat, hoping your eyes weren’t glistening too brightly when you finally dared to meet his gaze. Worry made his brow scrunch and your heart clench. Softly you lifted yourself to brush your lips against his before doing your best to give him a convincing smile and whispering, “Of course it is.”

“Are you sure?” You knew that you didn’t deserve this level of concern. Not after what you had done. Not after you had just imagined someone else having sex with you instead of him. The right thing to do, you knew, would be to tell him. But you couldn’t bring yourself to.

Woojin was everything you’d dreamed your life partner to be when you were a child. Handsome, kind, and successful. Hell, he was everything any woman could want. So why is that not enough anymore? And by all means, it had been until a month ago. Which was also why you couldn’t bring yourself to tell him about your betrayal.

“I’m sure.”

‘Okay,” he responded, doubt and concern convoluting his voice. “It’s just- you’ve been a little distant lately… You know you can tell me anything, right?”

Your smile cracked a little and you lied through your teeth, “I know, i’m sorry. I’ve just been a bit stressed is all.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?” His eyes studied your face as you shook your head. From the way the concern still painted his features, you knew he didn’t fully believe your lie. But like the good man he is, he chose not to press you further. Instead he ducked down to peck your lips. “Okay, as long as you’re alright.”

The conversation fell silent as he rolled off you and pulled the covers up to his chin. Adjusting yourself to lay on your side, you winced when his arm wound it’s way around your waist and guilt gnawed at your soul. Tears welled in your eyes as he pressed a chaste kiss onto the skin of your spine before settling into the pillows. You felt numb as he held you, patiently waiting for his breathing to soften before you let yourself delve into all the thoughts that ate at your mind. When you were sure that the depths of slumber had him firmly in their grasp, you carefully lifted his arm off of you and placed it by his side. Skin scorching in all the wrong ways from his touch, you scooted as far away from him as you could, your body hugging the edge of the mattress.

Bile rose in your throat and disgust made your stomach wrench. You felt filthy in ways you never thought you could. When you slept with Yoongi, everything seemed to shift. You’d been content with Woojin before, happy even. Now, with him at an arm's length away, you felt unbearably alone. No matter how desperately you tried to shake Yoongi from your mind, he lingered. Each moment that slipped by, waking or not, he was in the back of your head constantly reminding you that you hadn’t gotten over him like you thought you had. Weren’t happy with Woojin like you had thought you had been. And yet you still clung to Woojin though you knew it was unfair in so many ways. So desperate to push the fog of confusion that surrounded your relationship with Yoongi into obscurity, you stole happiness away from Woojin. Not just surface happiness, but the kind you only get when you are with someone you really truly loved and who truly loved you in return. You took that away from him and you knew it.

A soundless sob wracked your frame as hot tears finally slipped out of your eyes. Turning in the sheets to face Woojin’s sleeping form, you didn’t shove the tears down as you had before. Feeling a little of the warmth of him that still resided in your core trickle out of you, a fresh wave of tears overcame you as you whispered into the cold, dark room “I’m so sorry.”

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Nerves rattled your body as you walked briskly down hall to Luna’s apartment. A mantra of ‘you’re only here to sort what happened out’ was on repeat in your mind as your strides became unconsciously shorter. No matter how much you stalled it though, the door eventually was in front of you, your clammy hands sliding against the fabric of your jean skirt in an attempt to dry them. The effort was fruitless, as only a couple of seconds later, they were just as sweaty as before. Wondering if maybe you should just go home instead, you gazed longingly down the empty hallway. The idea was quickly put to bed though as flashes of Woojin waving you off from the couch entered your mind.

“Fuck it.” You muttered beneath your breath, raising a closed fist to knock the door lightly.

Behind the wood, there was a loud thunk and some rushed foot steps before the door swung open and a disheveled Taehyung made an appearance. The two of you just stared at each other for a moment, his adam’s apple bobbing with eyes as wide as saucers as you spotted a smear of lipstick on his neck. Stifling a laugh, you swept past him and flicked the spot, casually commenting, “Have you showered lately? Looks you might be growing something.”

Squishing his head to his shoulder he merely smiled triumphantly, quickly deducing that you knew about your two best friends engaging in more than just friendly activities. Peeking around the apartment, you spotted Luna sitting on the kitchen counter with a drink in hand while her free one rubbed her head with a pout on her lips.

“You’re early.” She said, thinking that you hadn’t known her long enough to know when she was cursing you out in her head which you most definitely had.

“Actually,” you replied, walking to the fridge and grabbing a cooler. Popping it open, you sipped back some of the liquid courage and prayed it would be enough for you to confront Yoongi. “I’m right on time. You told me 8.”

Drawing her eyes to the clock on the stove, she pulled her brows together in confusion. “I did?”

“You did. “ you responded in a sing-song voice. Moving so Taehyung could grab a drink from the fridge too, you finished, “I could go to the lobby and act as a distraction while you two finish up if you want.”

Taehyung banged his head against the top of the fridge, giving himself a matching bump as Luna. Letting out a giggle, Luna grabbed for the hem of Taehyung’s shirt. Catching hold of the fabric she reeled him closer so she could massage the bump through the strands of his hair, cooing “That’s okay.”

You gagged, “not in front of me please.”

At that very moment, a knock resounded against the door. Seeing the interruption as a chance for escape, you swiftly turned on your heel and made for the door. Behind you, you could hear a deep chuckle at your antics before the same voice countered, “It’s payback from college.”

“Bullshit,” you exclaimed, cheeks flaring with a brilliant shade of red as you weaved your way past the furniture to the door. You knew exactly who Taehyung was referring to when he spoke and he knew exactly how much it would rile you up when he said it. Venom laced your tone as you closed your hand on the door knob and pulled the door open while snapping, “We were never bad with PDA and you fucking know it, you ass-”

A gust of air made your hair flutter and gently brush your face as your eyes were blown wide, now realizing that you probably shouldn’t have been the one to answer the door so that this very thing wouldn't happen. Yoongi stood in front of you, as calm and collected as ever. His face held no indication of how he felt to see you after what had happened. You hadn’t expected it to, but that didn’t mean you it didn’t trouble you at all to see that he wasn’t at all bothered like you were. In all honesty, it made you a little jealous. Yoongi had always been different than you in that aspect. He could hide nearly everything he felt if he chose to whereas your feelings always seemed to hang on the edge of your sleeves. Not for the first time, you wished he could teach you how he did it. Maybe if you knew, you wouldn’t be so bad at lying to Woojin and this all really could just disappear.

Just as Taehyung opened his mouth to greet his friend from the kitchen, you forced Yoongi further into the hall by placing a hand on his chest and stepped away from the apartment. Closing the door hastily behind you, you avoided his confused gaze as much as possible and ignored the feeling of fire licking at your skin from where his body met your hand. As soon as you heard the click of the latch catching you tore your hand away, covering it like it was dirty by clutching it in your other one. Silence fell in the hallway, your gaze still glued to the ground as Yoongi shifted awkwardly in front of you and cleared his throat.

“Y/N?” He spoke softly, trying not to aggravate the obvious tension in your frame further. When you didn’t respond by way of speech or body language, he tried again, “You going to tell me why we’re out here or--”

“We need to talk.” You replied abruptly.

“Okay,” he said. You didn’t need to elaborate as to why; Yoongi always had been good at reading you. Though, in this case you were pretty sure that anyone would’ve been able to guess the reason if they knew what you two had done. “Let’s talk then.”

“I don’t want them to hear and the others are gonna get here soon.” You nodded toward the door. “Is it okay if we go to the roof?”

“It is.” He said quietly. “Though if this is about what I think it’s about, i’m pretty sure they all know already.”

“I know, I just-” you bit your lip, vivid memories of your voices bouncing of the walls of your tiny dorm from what seemed like a lifetime ago flashing across your mind. No matter if it was love, sex, or even fights, everything between the two of you had always burned like wildfire, something your last meeting had only reaffirmed. “I think it would be better somewhere else.”

Nodding in understanding, he invited you to take the lead by motioning his hand toward the elevator, palm upward. Stepping away from him, you let out a breath you hadn’t realized you were holding. Pressing the ‘up’ button, you tried your best to expel the nervousness you felt. Your fingers fidgeted as the elevator made its way to your floor. Teeth caught your lip and when the the metallic doors finally opened, you rushed in and pressed the top floor button where you knew there was a terrace. With your brain running at top speed a nice and secluded space where you could just breathe was what you hoped would help you from making the situation any worse than it already was. Neither of you said anything to one another on the ride up, but you could feel his gaze on you as you worried your lip between your incisors. Trying to focus on anything but the proximity between you, you stared intently as the bright blue glare of the numbers as they changed with every floor you passed. Cheering the little numbers on as though you could somehow make them go faster, you had to force yourself not to groan in defeat when they slowed and stopped at a floor before the one you desired.

The world seemed to be conspiring against you. When the doors open, it wasn’t only a couple of people, but seven. When it was apparent you weren’t going to move by your own volition, still distressed that you couldn't even catch one god damn break, Yoongi gently curled his fingers over your shoulder with a sigh. Your eyes bulged as he eased you in front of him, fingers laying over your collarbone as his thumb kissed the skin of your neck softly. Taking a deep breath, you forced your eyes to fall on the blue numbers again as the elevator creaked and began to move. Pointedly, you ignored the way you could feel the warmth of his body behind you. Eyes fluttered to the other people in the elevator, wondering if they noticed the palpable tension between yourself and Yoongi. If they did, they didn’t care, the group laughing at something amongst themselves. Your limbs ached to just lean back, the delicious touch of his skin much more tempting than you’d dare to admit. If you shifted your weight in the slightest, you knew you’d brush up against him and if you were honest, you wanted to. But with the way even the faint brush of his skin against yours seemed to rile you up, you knew you couldn’t. When the elevator lurched to a stop only a few floors from your destination and the group filtered out, you detached yourself from him. Quickly putting distance between the two of you, a part of you lamented at the thought that the small caress could very well be the last you’d ever receive from him after tonight.

Once the doors slid shut once more, it didn’t take much longer for the smooth female voice to announce your arrival to the rooftop terrace. This time when the metal doors lurched open, a gust of wind rushed to your face, wafting the air of the city into the alcove where the elevator resided. Yoongi was the first to step out, hands shoved into his pockets as he exited the elevator and past the steel door that lead to outside and had been left open by a previous visitor. Following tentatively, your stomach flipped as currents of nerves battered against its walls. Nearing the edge of the roof, Yoongi reached out to touch the steel railing that protected him from falling over the edge. He didn’t look back at you, though the halt of your footsteps was a clear indicator that you weren’t going to join him as he gazed over the city. Distance was what you needed to create, be it metaphorical or physical.

As he leaned over to rest his forearms against the rail, you couldn’t help but admire him despite your determination to extinguish any and all fires he kindled inside your heart. No matter how many times you saw him, or how much time had passed, Min Yoongi never ceased to be one of the most beautiful human beings you’d ever had the pleasure of meeting. The sun was setting on the far side of the city, making the edges of his blonde hair glow while his alabaster skin glinted under the rays. The cloth of his long sleeve shirt draped over his back, rising and falling along the curves of his shoulder blades and spine. With his weight resting on one leg, his black skinny jeans scrunched together at the back of his knee as he bent his free leg to cross his foot over the other. With his form hunched over like this, you couldn’t help but notice that he seemed a little weary. His shoulders were slumped and his form was tense despite its position. Perhaps it was wrong, but a small corner of your heart blazed at the thought that you still knew at least some his tells.

Watching his back rise and fall as he let out a sigh, you immediately felt terrible that you had been celebrating at his expense and you almost opened your voice to ask him what was wrong before you remembered that wasn’t your place anymore. Though your tongue itched to say something, anything, that would help him, you choked the words down. Perhaps i’ll talk to Namjoon… You suggested inside your head, reasoning that it was more for Yoongi than it was to quell your own worries, though you knew it was a lie.

Shaking your head, you tried to focus on the task at hand but now that you were up here, you didn’t really know where to begin. First you wondered if it would be best to start by bringing up Woojin, but the idea immediately made you feel like vomiting, so you chose not to. Then you thought perhaps you could congratulate him on his success, but then reassessed knowing that once you started rambling, you wouldn’t be able to stop. Lastly, you thought about yourself. Not how you looked or something like that, but about how you would’ve liked to be approached in this situation. About how you would’ve taken the least amount of damage when being told that someone thought having sex with you was a mistake. Admittedly, the answer wasn’t clear. There was no situation in which you wouldn't feel hurt and in turn, there was no situation in which Yoongi wouldn’t be. If he even still cares for you, that is… The voice in your head echoed and there was truth in it.

You had no idea if Min Yoongi was even fazed by was had transpired, if he had been dwelling on the past as you had. There were no indications of whether or not having sex with you had resurfaced his own feelings as it had in you. There was nothing to tell you whether memories of the past haunted him and made his heart clench too, or if that was all they were now to him; memories. Therefore, you had no idea how much this conversation would even hurt him, if at all, and you doubted that you ever would. Yoongi had never been one for voicing his pain, no matter how deep it ran. Again, your mind recalled arguments that had been had, words that had been flung at one another, and apologies that had been given. Truthfully, there were many times before where you’d fought. Each time Yoongi had carefully guarded his true feelings from you, sometimes to spare you, others to punish you. Well, all except for one which haunted you. “Y/N, please…” even nearly three years later, you could still hear his voice clearly from that night, your chest spasming as you struggled to push the memory from view. Now, standing behind him on this roof, there was a whole other conversation that you ached to have but you knew you had no right to do so when you had someone waiting for you in your apartment. So, you settled for honesty. If you had learned anything from previous fights with Yoongi, it was that he hated to beat around the bush.

Taking a deep breath, you steeled your nerves and spoke, “Yoongi, I-”

“If you’re going to say you regret it, I don’t really want to hear it.” His voice was clear even among the sounds of cars honking and wheels rushing from down below. He turned to you now, swivelling his body so that his elbows rested on the metal and his back leaned into it, feet still crossed in front of him. “It’s okay if you do, but I don't.”

Your breathing stuttered at his proclamation, all the work you’d done to build your resolve crumbling with one fell swoop. His eyes burned into you, no hint of shame in his body language whereas your own was riddled with it. A pale hand gestured you to stand next to him, an invitation you refused with a shake of your head. He rolled his eyes, though a hint of a smirk played on the corner of his mouth. “I’m not going to eat you, Y/N. You don’t have to be scared of me.”

“I’m not.” you replied with a huff though the blush that stained your cheeks betrayed you as you strode toward the rail. Once your fingers grasped the cool surface and your eyes had something other than Yoongi to look at, you felt some of the tension in your body fade. Watching the people below go about their lives in the traffic and blinking lights, it made you feel a little smaller. Like your problems weren’t a mountain and instead just a hill. You felt better, even if it was only by a little.

Beside you, Yoongi turned his body again, falling into the same position he had been in before but leaving a gap in between you which you suspected was more for your own sake. Lifting a hand, he rested his chin in his palm and muttered, “You always did like high places.”

“They help me think.” You responded, pointedly ignoring the way your heart skipped a beat. Thumb picking at a fleck of paint on the metal, you said quietly, “do you really not regret it?”

He hummed lowly in response, before saying. “I won’t lie, Y/N. Even if it might be easier.”

Your eyes darted to him at his confession, feeling like the wind was knocked out of you when you realized he’d been gazing at you and not the city. Confusion made your brows furrow, and you did your best to ignore the thumping in your veins to ask, “What do you mean?”

“If I could tell you that I regret what happened it’d make this a hell of a lot cleaner, right?”

“I-” you began, the idea of him saying just that turning over in your head and subsequently making your stomach lurch. If he did, it would make it easier. You wouldn’t feel as guilty. There would be no complications in just moving on, no wondering if there was something wrong in leaving whatever it was that you had left between you in the past. By all means, him saying that that night wasn’t just a hiccup should have been a nightmare. And yet, you felt a little relieved that he felt the same way you did, no matter how reluctant you were to admit it. Sighing, you replied honestly, “it would.”

“Truthfully,” Yoongi said, brushing a stray piece of hair that had entered his eyesight away, not looking at all bothered by this conversation, “I think we should just leave it.”

Quirking a brow, you couldn’t help the rush of dread that consumed you at the thought that you were something he could dismiss so easily. Sure, he said he didn’t regret it but you were at a loss by his words. Were you a problem he’d rather not deal with? Did you mean that little to him now that he didn’t feel like exploring your rekindled flame? Were you not worth the effort? To be sure, the past between you was messy, but it had memories littered throughout that made you smile even when you’d desperately wanted to hate the blond standing in front of you with every fiber of your being. Of course, you’d thought it might be that he’d moved on, but it still stung.

“I’m tired of my friends tiptoeing around me when it comes to you. The fact that we’re speaking is easier on them.” You nodded in acknowledgement, afterall he was right. Both of you had been on the receiving end of ‘lost’ invitations as a result of your friends being overly considerate of your breakup. You couldn’t blame them though, seeing as your reunion was going oh so well. “Plus, it was only sex. We’re not young like before. It doesn’t have to mean anything if we don’t want it to.”

The tightening of your hands on the metal until your knuckles turned white was purely subconscious. Despite feeling like someone had just thrown you off the side of the building, you nodded. Anger bubbled up inside you gut alongside an odd sense of loss. If only everyone could be as emotionless as Min Yoongi, you thought to yourself sarcastically while letting your eyes drift back to meet his own, world peace wouldn’t seem so out out reach. Jaw stiff, it took all of your effort to keep the newfound despondency out of your tone when you asked, “Is that all it was to you? Sex?”

Before you said it, you didn’t think of the implications of your words. Nor did you think of the apparent satisfaction that Yoongi would get from it as the corner of his mouth twitched upward for the briefest of moments. “I don’t know.”

“Do you have to be so unbelievably vague?” You finally snapped, eliciting a chortle from him, much to your own dismay.

“I honestly don’t, Y/N.” He responded, amusement coloring his voice. “Besides, it doesn’t really matter if i’m the only one who it meant more to.”

The underlying question wasn’t lost in his statement. And yet, What were you supposed to say? You had no right to say what your heart felt, not when you had someone else waiting for you. In normal circumstances you were a subpar liar at best, but in front of Yoongi, all comprehension of the act was lost. He was the one person in the universe you never had the urge or need to skew the truth with. Even now, you knew that lying was precisely what you should do. And yet just like he’d promised to you, you wouldn’t lie. Not because you couldn’t think of what to say or how to make it seem like the truth. But because with the wind making the tips of your hair tickle the skin of your cheek and the sun casting a certain light over Yoongi’s features that only ‘the golden hour’ could, you just couldn’t bring yourself to want to. So, you were left to flounder, muttering a weak, “I-I-” before cutting off completely.

“Not so easy to answer, huh?” A playful look painted his face, his confidence making your own waver as the sun glinted over his cheeks and the corners of his mouth curled in a way that made your legs feel more like jell-o than flesh. He didn’t get angry like you did at the lack of a proper response, his maturity making you feel a little smaller. How could he be so annoyingly adult about all of this? “I think if anything, that this kinda shows we have no idea what the fuck that night was.”

At this, you let out a laugh, his bluntness striking down any tension before it could form. You were relieved that he was at least a dab of confusion. Though you suspected he wasn’t on the same rollercoaster of emotions as you, at least he seemed to be on one too. “That’s true.”

Gazing at him, you couldn’t help but take note of all the differences between the man in front of you and the boy you knew in college once again. He was much more confident now. So much so, that you didn’t know how to handle him as much anymore. This entire conversation only aiding that point. You wondered if he felt the same about you. If when he looked at you, he still recognized the girl he used to date. If it excited some part of him like it did you that even after all these years of knowing one another, there was still more to discover.

“So, what-” You spoke, still raking your eyes over him, searching for other differences in him like it was some sort of game, “we just ignore what happened?”

“I… if that’s what you want we can.” He replied, his eyes travelling away from you to sweep over the city, turning his head so you could only see the skin of his cheek. It’s not… the voice in your head boomed. Your eyes widened a little and you shook your head as though it would somehow rid yourself of the thought, stopping abruptly when you saw Yoongi pivoting his head back to face you. When your eyes met again, the teasing look he’d worn had disappeared, the blank page that you had cursed so many times over in the past in its place. “That’s not really what I meant though.”

“You said to leave it alone.” You responded, a puzzled tone muddling your words. “Is that not what leaving it alone is?”

“I meant more as in we don’t dissect it and force ourselves to define everything and just kind of see what happens instead.” His fingers betrayed his statuesque expression, thrumming against the metal and giving it away that he wasn’t as collected as you thought in all this. From that single tell, you knew that this wasn’t easy for him; Yoongi never really was one to pour his heart out in anything besides music. After all this time, it still made the strings of your heart hum to see him try. “I wasn’t lying that night about wanting you, even though it does feel different than before... I think a part of me needs to know if that want would lead to something more again or if i’m chasing something that isn’t there.”

Did the floor shift? You could’ve sworn it did, though you weren’t exactly the best to make that sort of observation when you were pretty sure your brain just leapt out of your skull. The bulging of your eyes was so strong that you were sure you looked absolutely insane. You were so certain he was trying to let you down that this revelation threw you for a loop. You were filled to the brim with emotions, all clambering on top of one another in a desperate attempt to be heard by you. Elation at the hint of him wanting you again, apprehension from the lack of clarity on where you two would stand, dread because of what you knew you’d have to tell him; they were all there banging on the door of your heart. It was all so much, you didn’t really know where to begin actually disentangling one from the other as they weren’t clear cut, but woven and knotted together. However, you knew you had to try and find a ground zero. The further you waded into your thoughts, the stronger the blaring of your conscience became. When it was just Woojin, the sound was like a raven cawing incessantly, but not unbearable. But now that Yoongi had entered the picture and you knew that omitting the truth would undoubtedly cause him some sort of pain, no matter if it was even the smallest scratch, the sound morphed into a fog horn. Tell him.

“What if nothing is different?” Your voice was so quiet, it even surprised you with it’s meekness. Perhaps it was in an attempt to hide from your own wrath, frustration pooling inside you that all you couldn’t get yourself to just say it and instead stalled for more time.

“I’m not asking you to get back together, Y/N. If things feel like they are the same as they were, nothing will change from how it is now.” Yoongi replied, his voice was soft and careful, smoothing over your worries like water washing away marks in the sand. He always managed to make things seem so much less daunting. “But I don't think they are. After everything, we owe it to ourselves to explore that, right?”

Swallowing the lump in your throat, you turned your eyes back to the twinkling neon lights. Blinking furiously to clear the mist that had begun to form across your vision, you breathed, “Yoongi, I have to tell you something. I’m-”

”Hey!” A voice sliced through the tension, making both Yoongi and yourself jump at the sudden intrusion. Across the rooftop by the door that lead to the elevator, stood Namjoon, a tinge of guilt staining his features for interrupting. “Sorry to bug you guys, but everyone got here like half an hour ago and the kids are starting to whine because Luna wont let them start eating the food till you guys come back.”

“Ah, sorry,” Yoongi responded for the both of you, scratching the back of his head sheepishly while you stared down at your shoes as though you’d been caught doing something much different. The same hand that made his hair fluff up in the back reached into his pocket as he spoke, “Y’know, you guys could’ve started without us. We wouldn’t have minded.”

Pulling his phone out, Yoongi started toward Namjoon, anxiety eating away at you that you didn’t get to finish what you’d been trying to tell him. “You know as well as I do that if she let them start there would be nothing left when you got back.”

Snorting, Yoongi nodded in agreement as you hastily followed behind him. Reaching out without thinking, you caught his sleeve, tugging on it for him to stop before realizing what you were doing. Immediately you dropped your hand like the fabric had burned you, though the action had done what you’d wanted. Glancing at Namjoon, you knew he’d seen the action by the way he immediately averted his gaze when your eyes met, suddenly very fascinated with the elevator button though he’d already pressed it when Yoongi had started toward him. You hoped Yoongi didn’t notice the fierce color on your cheeks when his eyes turned to you, an apologetic look on his face.

Yoongi cast his eyes to Namjoon before giving you a questioning look as though to ask you if you really wanted to continue the conversation when you had an audience. You chewed on your bottom lip, not wanting to speak with Namjoon there but hesitant to just let it go in fear that you would lose your strength and not tell him about the fact that you had a boyfriend. However, it seemed he already had a solution, tapping away on his phone until yours suddenly began to vibrate from the back pocket of your jeans. “So, you haven’t changed it.”

A resounding thump shook your heart. He kept it. Shakily, you replied, “No, it’s still the same.”

“Good. We should go down, but think about what I said. I think you know where I stand on it so...” The vibrating stopped when his thumb pressed into the screen once again before locking the device and sliding it into his pants. He sneaked one more peek at Namjoon and lowered his voice, “If you don’t call, i’ll take that as your answer and we’ll only talk when we’re at stuff like tonight.”

“And if I do?”

A well contained smirk brushed his lips as he spoke, “I’ll take that as an answer too.”

There was no way you could ignore the stuttering of your heart which refused to cease since the moment those words left Yoongi’s lips. His suggestion was such a dangerous one, and yet you found it so enticing that the idea of rediscovering one another made your stomach gurgle with excitement. So much so that you felt like you’d been transported to six and a half years ago when you’d first met. When you met Woojin, hell, even when he’d asked you to be his, you hadn’t felt even a shred of what Yoongi seemed to elicit from you so effortlessly. It wasn’t that you hadn’t noticed it’s absence, but you’d made excuses for it. ‘No person is the same as another, so how could I feel the same?’ Reason and makeshift justifications is what you’d filled the hole where Yoongi had been with. Feeling that giddiness after so long after you’d been certain that you had only felt it because you were young and inexperienced, it ripped out anything you’d shoved inside the hole and took its place with embarrassing ease. Even when the elevator had delivered the three of you to your desired floor after a thoroughly awkward trip down and Namjoon had practically booked it into the apartment, it’s presence demanded to be felt. The erratic beating of your heart its evidence that it had returned.

When the three made your way into the apartment, which was now reaching it’s capacity with the nine of you all gathered together like this, curious glances were there to greet you. Everyone had congregated in the kitchen, Jungkook and Jin barely casting an eye toward you before resuming their staring at the finger foods on the counter while the others mulled about, sipping on drinks. Naturally, Taehyung was the first to speak, his legs swinging from where he sat on the counter beside Luna. “So, what did you guys take so long talking about?”

“Tae,” Jin had the sense to scold, even though his primary focus was still on the tiny tacos which were undoubtedly cold by now, “do you really have that little of a social life that you don’t know when not to ask about something which is obviously private?”

“You’re very mistaken if you think I even see people other than the eight of you, but i’m touched that you do.” He simpered, signature boxy grin adorning his face.

The sudden bout of laughter from Jimin only spurred the scowl that had begun to form on Jin’s face on further, but you were grateful that the focus had shifted from the two of you. No one else said anything regarding your and Yoongi’s absence, diving into food while bickering ensued and beginning the celebrations by passing around drinks. Times like these, you were happy that you’d ended up in Taehyungs class and even happier with the people he’d led you to, no matter if one certain one had caused you an inexplicable amount of pain in the past. You had no doubts that every single one of them cherished you, even if Jungkook had made a comment about the cold food with eyes squinted at you. They’re company was almost always a surefire way to distract yourself from things, though tonight seemed to be an exception.

Doing your best to hide the mess your heart had become, you participated as much as you could. However, there was only so much you could do when half of your attention refused to shift from Yoongi. You managed to talk with a couple your friends, apologizing profusely for making them wait, but your irises always seemed to drift back to the boy with the blonde hair who’d made your life turn upside down. The fact that his own eye’s met your each and every single time did nothing to help, making your heart thunder away in your chest. Just like that, the night drifted on.

You found Yoongi and yourself teetering on the edge of a cliff with the ocean spread out beneath the both of you. The water below was murky and the wind was so strong that the waves crashed relentlessly against the rocks. It wasn’t a dare, not a game of who would jump off first. But a question being shared between the two of you. ‘Should we?’ Yoongi’s hand was held out to yours and you realized, he was ready to jump into the depths below if you’d only say yes. But did you want to? Only a short distance away there was a beach waiting for you. Maybe it wasn’t the prettiest beach and the waters frequently swept seaweed onto shore, but it was a beach. The water was clear there and never rough. You knew what you should do; turn around and make your way to the sand. And yet, you found your hand itching at your side and your body tilting forward. An insatiable curiosity made reason foggy and recklessness much more appetizing. You had no clue what was below the water’s surface, nor whether or not you’d be able to come up for air if you did plunge below, but an ache urged you to find out.

And so, when the night was drawing to a close and Yoongi had left the tiny apartment to return to his own, you found yourself clutching your phone in your hand. Gathering your things, you said your own farewells, leaving only to linger in the hall with a finger paused over the call button on a contact which you never quite managed to delete. Finally, with a shuddering breath, you outstretched your hand to meet his and jumped.

“Hello?”

#bts #yoongi #suga #bts smut #yoongi smut #suga smut #bts scenario #yoongi scenario #suga scenario #bts fanfic #bts fic #suga fanfic #yoongi fanfic #yoongi imagines #suga imagines #bts imagines #yoongi scenarios #bts scenarios #suga scenarios

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speckeh · 5 years

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My 2019 Garbage Book Dump

It’s 2019! I’m tired, I’m hella gay, and I’m still reading books as much as I can with my busy life! Enjoy this book list with reviews!

1. Thunderball: 5/5 stars. Mormon jokes. Making fun of dietary changes? A young Italian woman (girl) who controls the island with her beauty. It becomes a mission against nuclear threats against the Europe and the US? Not exactly the MOST thrilling James Bond book, but I had a lot of fun reading it. I’m glad this was my first read of the year!

2. The Lydia Steptoe Stories - Faber Stories: 4/5 stars. I found these short, tiny books in a local bookstore. There were 6 of them on the table and I bought three. Sometimes I wish I bought all of them, but not all of them spoke to me. The Lydia collection was interesting as it held three stories with: a young man being “seduced” by his aunt, a young girl wanting to be a dominatrix, and a woman who wishes she could be youthful again. While I didn’t find the stories awe-inspiring, I did find them extremely entertaining and nice to think about.

3. Emma Cozy Classics: 5/5 stars. I have the pride and prejudice one. While it might not be as fabulous as a full book, but the pain-staking skill of felt art is entirely impressive. It went on my Jane Austen book shelf.

4. Come Rain or Shine - Faber Stories: 3/5 stars. What would you do if your friends thought you were absolutely insane and their lives are falling apart worse than yours? What would you do if your friend asks you to play absolutely stupid to his wife to make him look better and for her to realize her life isn’t so bad that she got lucky enough to not marry you? I for one, would drop these fucking friends and never look back. The story was a fucking train wreck and absolutely insane to the point where it wasn’t even humorous to me. Several authors state it’s Ishiguro’s step into comical writing and I wish he wouldn’t.

5. Passionate Minds - Women Rewriting the World: 1/5 stars. I found this book at my Uni’s free bookshelf. I was super excited to read this book but it’s one of the dullest and full of biases book I’ve had the displeasure of picking up. I got to read about my girl Gertrude Stein but I was expecting more female writers, not actors who the writer obvious gets off on. There’s nothing wrong with that, and this book has rave reviews, I just couldn’t stand the writing style and obvious fawning she had (and not in the academic/historically reserved way authors should be).

6. Wandering Island Vol. 2: 4/5 stars. It’s been two years since the first volume came out. I found myself reading it in record time which has me both disappointed and a bit confused (not because I read it fast, but because of the strange editorial ending). The art is impeccable with a few questionable “obviously a man drew this” moment, the story has kind of been a bit muddled up and didn’t necessarily go anywhere this volume. It felt more of a build up for Volume 3 which I don’t know when will be released. The editor wrote this strange 6 page essay that started off they were going to postpone Wandering Island 3, then went on a long rant about how the manga editing world has changed with ^-^ faces all throughout, only to then write fan theories of where they think the story is going to finish with: “We’ll translate the pages as soon as they come out! ^-^” what the fuck?? Haha

7. Fun Home - A Family Tragicomic. 5/5 stars. I bought this book today and I finished it this evening. I’m still processing everything that happened but one thing I know for sure is that I found one of my top 5 books of 2019 as well as a new favorite already. Alison approaches a hard topic of coming out, learning about her father’s secret life of being bisexual, and coming to terms with the strange person with anger issues that was her father. While my father wasn’t gay, there were several elements of her father I saw in my own. The volatile anger, learning more about his life after his death, hearing shattering truths from your mom, the regret of not having conversations sooner and him not seeing who you truly are before their passing. It struck a chord with me and I’m going to be thinking about this comic book I feel like for two months.

8. The Real McCoy: 4/5 stars. This is like a small wikipedia pamphlet book about the famous names, phrases, or lyrics you might know. I wasn’t necessarily impressed with the booklet, but I found some of it entertaining. I gave it a high rating because it served its purpose but I’m totally gifting it to a friend who loves random facts.

9. The Heart Affirming: 5/5 Stars. Epic poems about the Greek Gods, the universal feeling of appreciating nature, the wondering of the cruelty of humanity. This is a rare find of a poetry book not popular and one I found at my local library book sale that was signed by the author. If you have the pleasure to pick up this 1939 poetry book, please do! It’s a treat from the past that shows we still yearn for the same poetic romanticism we did then to now.

10. Bloom: 4.5/5 stars. I’ve realized I’m going to graduate college in the fall and this weird depression hit where I realized my life is really finally going to change forever. So I’m having a mixture of senioritis where I don’t want to do any work when I’m done with school by Wednesday, and I’m having a mid-century life crisis where I don’t know what to do with my life (I mean I do, but it’s terrifying). So I went on a LGTBQ+ splurge on amazon, something i haven’t done in awhile, Bloom was one of those books. Bloom is a fast paced comic about a high school graduate who wants to move out and move on, but his friends are dicks and his parents want him to stay. Welcome the new hot boy whose grandma just died and conveniently loves to bake. Ari wants to leave the bakery and this new hot guy is just his ticket to leave, or is it? I really liked this comic for the art and the story line was refreshing. But there were several instances where the book moves really quickly and the development was… meh. HeartStopper has great, slow pacing that lets you feel like the characters and story moves in a believable way. Bloom is rushed in some parts, but still.. So cute.

11. Spinning: 5/5 Stars. 2/4 of the LGTBQ+ books I ordered have been read! I read this book the day before valentine’s day and I’ve already been in a weird mode/crisis of being a university senior. I, loved this book for all the reasons why people gave it 3 stars. Everyone stated the story didn’t wrap up, that i jumped, that it felt fragments, but if you read the very end the author state not all books should make sense or follow a timeline or be accurate and these followed her own recollection without revisiting anything. I really appreciated and I loved the style. It’s a heavy book with sexual assault, manipulation, child abuse, and a very unhappy protagonist who isn’t likeable. But at the same time, finishing this book I just felt such grief that I didn’t pursue an art career. That I didn’t just join an art program or give my art career a chance. I think when I’m in the end of my career, retirement, I may go to art school again or maybe I’ll splurge money on lessons or maybe I’ll just accept my art as is. Either way, this book made me fiercely jealous of a 21 year old. It reminded me of a famous story of my dad reading a book about astronauts and crying in the bath because he should have been an astronaut, and how this book made me want to cry because in some form I should have been an artist. But like my dad, we’ve both chased careers that really inspired and gave us amazing opportunities. But I think it’s natural to miss over those childhood passions you didn’t follow through with because you felt like you weren’t enough.

12. My Solo Exchange Diary Vol 2. 2.5/5 stars. I read the first volume last year due to prompting from one of my precious friends (Ramona). My loneliness with Lesbianism was AMAZING. I bought it. My Solo Exchange Diary felt like the author was rambling in circles, completely mentally unwell, and had no ideas of how to properly take care of herself. In Volume 2 she was able to search for some help and she was able to deal with some introspective thoughts about how her viewpoint might have been wrong and how she was toxic to herself and her family. Volume 2 still left a taste in my mouth that felt… weird? She’s moving in the right directions but I think she’s desperately trying to follow the hype of her lesbian hit manga and she’s failing due to her wants to surpass herself. I laughed and felt bad as she mentioned how people slammed her for Volume 1, so it felt very meta to read how she reacted because my comment was also criticizing her: read here. But if you’re reading it in a bookstore or a library, do it. It’s nice to see how she’s slowly making progress with herself.

13. Sputnik Sweetheart. 1/5 stars. I picked this up in Brussels in the select few english section because the cover was intriguing and the back cover claimed it was a lesbian story. I was so excited, and imagine my absolutely hatred when I realized a straight cisgender man had written a “lesbian” story through the eyes of a straight male who is lusting after his lesbian best friend. He proclaims he gets boners at looking at her breasts and how her eccentric style only makes her that more beautiful just to him. I hate everything about this book. I wish straight cisgendered men would leave lesbian narrative stories alone unless you’re going to write them right. Get the fuck out of my books.

14. Fortunate Beasts: Letters to Lucardo Vol 2: 5/5 stars. The long waited and anticipated sequel to Letters to Lucardo!!! It’s been two years since I read the first volume, supported it on kickstarters, and I’m going to keep funding each release until the quadiology is complete! This had a lot less background building, exciting sex scenes, but you now understand the two lovers and get to see them develop their budding relationship. While it wasn’t as smut riddled as I expected, I was very happy with the continuation!

15. The little Lame Prince: 2/5 stars. DNF. Did not finish in case for those who don’t know/can’t remember (I hardly remember what DNF stands for myself). I’m torn as I want to eventually finish this book but I’m just not in the mood for it. It’s a sweet story but is very slow and from what I can tell, repeats itself a lot. It’s a old book from the early 1800s which explains the somewhat hard language and problematic moments, but it’s still charming. I’ll debate when I’ll try this again. For now, it’s returning to my shelves with a bookmark in the pages.

16. Shounen Houkokusho. 5/5 stars. A shounen-ai soft, wholesome gay family about a little boy standing up for his dad’s long time partner and asking them to get married. Very sweet. So precious. I love.

17. Same Difference and Other Stories: 4/5 stars. This was a reread from my friend Mark who gifted this to me back in december of 2014. It’s been 5 years since I picked up this book and I decided to see how its changed. As an adult, this comic speaks to me a lot louder than it did nearly half a decade ago. Struggling to find your way through life, seeing all your high school “friends” getting married, having jobs, meanwhile you’re just.. Here. Definitely a story I needed to revisit again in the future and also I still appreciate Mark’s notes he left in here for me!

18. Amazing Women: 101 Lives to Inspire you: 4/5 stars. This was my gift after finally being cut loose from the cancer clinic. I never had to go back there again and so I decided to pick up a momento. This was the book I chose that they offered. I really appreciate how they cover diverse women from all over the world rather than American-centric. They don’t go further than 1826, keping mostly within 200 years which is a bit of a bummer. There were also some choices I felt were questionable, like Zoe Sugg (who had her book ghost written and scams her viewers) and that they didn’t have Alison Bechendel was a huge disappointment. But this book is opinionated as they did have to narrow it down to 101 women, so I’m never going to be happy unless I pick my own. I also appreciated that if a diplomat was assassinated they mentioned it in the book.

19. The Epic of Gilgamesh: 5/5 stars. I learned about the Epic of Gilgamesh back when I was a itty-bitty sophomore in high school. I remember being so intrigued and would draw my gay ass characters as the Harlot and Endurk. I think I still have the drawings somewhere and they’re cringey. I bought the book and it’s been sitting on my shelf for YEARS. I did a deep clean of my bookshelves last night from 11:30 pm - 4:30 am, and this morning I just wanted to read since I haven’t been able to for months. I loved it! I love creation myths, old myths from “lost” cultures, plus the language was hella gay in this story. It’s a short 61 pages, so if you have like an hour or two and are in the mood for some myths baby, pick it up!

20. The Making of Pride and Prejudice: 4/5 stars. This book is chalked full of interviews from staff, actors, photos of the sets, and a bit too long section on the director and writers moaning about a script. I loved the photos of the behind the scenes and reading Colin Firth’s reluctancy to take, arguably, his most iconic role because he didn’t care for classical movies. Thought they were boring. Really a cool book to have if you’re a big Pride and Prejudice 1995 fan.

21. Greek Myths: 2/5 stars. I love the artwork in this book, but the author shows a lack of research when he writes the Roman names for the greek gods. I’m all fine with showing a Roman cultural story, but if you’re writing a Greek Myths story, BITCH use the Greek names!!! If it wasn’t for the artwork, this book would be traaash.

22. Wicked: 5/5 stars. I’ve been in a reading rut for almost a month where I’ve felt unmotivated to do anything. Since going back to brief counseling and getting my head on straight again, I’ve felt the motivation to read. I’m also doing the 2019 OWLS for a Wandmaker and this was one of my assignments. I absolutely loved Wicked. The musical came in last month and it reinvigorated my love for the show. I’ve been wanting to read the book, it’s been haunting me for awhile and I found a back of the Wicked series for 5 dollars at my library sale. Snatched that bitch up. I read this 408 pages in two weeks, probably would have in a week but school. God, I related so much to Elphaba. Not so much the whole, feeling like she has no soul, but taking school seriously and not making friends, coming from a religious family and rebelling, feeling like she’s responsible for her whole family, (not feeling like she’s attractive) and seeing her growth and becoming more comfortable with herself really made me feel better about myself? It’s a super dark book, but it’s great. It’s really great.

23. A Children’s Guide to the Night Sky: 4/5 stars. This was essentially the condensed and easier version of my Stars and Cosmology course I took two years ago!! I sped read this and some of the greek myths they described were dumb down/removed the queerness of it. Which is why I took off a whole star.

24. The Life-Changing Manga of Tidying Up: 5/5 stars. Hello Marie Kondo. Everyone is on a cleaning kick/obsessed with Marie Kondo. I liked this comic because it was short and also made her book in a bite size, story drive style. I liked its simplistic form!

25. Julian is a Mermaid: 5/5 stars. I’ve had my eye on this book for a year, ever since it was announced in Goodreads’ monthly list. I found the last copy and snatched it up. I like the muted colors, the art style, the different bodies, and letting little boys know it’s ok to dress up as mermaids or anything feminized. A great message!!!

26. Kiss Number 8: 5/5 stars. This is one of those random comics I saw in the new releases and the cover caught my eye. I read the first few pages and decided to buy it. I loved it as it’s a coming out story but the main story isn’t revolved around coming out. It’s about the complicated nature of family, coming out through the years, and trans themes. I know some people say this book and the characters are transphobic due to misgendering and dead names used, but the main character is catholic. Her family are mega catholic. She’s going to a catholic school. Of course there’s going to be misgendering and dead names used! It’s how people naturally react to news. If you’re super sensitive, I wouldn’t read this book, but I loved it to bits. I held it to my chest like I do rarely with those books that give you the warm feels.

27. Elephi - The Cat with the High IQ: 5/5 stars. This was a book I grabbed at a close down sale. It’s about Elephi who sees a small fiat car abandoned in the snow outside and decides to use his brains to get the car inside the fifth story apartment. The author really knows how cats act and I felt like all the mannerisms were perfect for a year old cat(kitten). Really a cute book that I read in 40 minutes??

28. One Happy Tiger: 4/5 stars. A book about a tiger counting friends. Cute. It’s a children’s book. Not too substantial in anything.

29. The Language of Thorns: 5/5 stars. Ok WOW. I bought this about a year ago during B&N’s signed deals where they just had a ton of books signed by the authors. I’ve seen this book floating around on BookTube for awhile and I decided to check it out at the bookstore. The illustrations sold me and I bought it. Imagine the already dark Grimm’s fairy tales, but darker. More context for the characters: Ursula, the Nutcracker, Hansel and Gretel but if Gretel was the only one at home. Really amazing stories and if you’re interested in dark, pretty illustrations that change with each page, pick it up!

30. Satoko and Nada vol 1: 5/5 stars. Ramona and I went to B&N yesterday, just sitting around like two useless gays reading a bunch of manga. This is one she picked out and told me to read it. You know me, as a white academic I am constantly on the lookout for narratives that aren’t white and can educate me. This was one of them! Satoko is from Japan while Nada is from Saudi Arabia, both are exchange students in the US. Their friendship, learning about each other’s cultures is so fucking cute. ;0;

31: I Hear the Sunspot vol 1: 4/5 stars. I docked this down from a 5 star rating because it just jumps into a established plot. I had no idea if this was a continuation from another series or if the author purposefully just threw us in the mix of an established gay relationship but they’re not really (they are but they’re confused) with some flashbacks that looks like it came from another volume? But despite those factors, the art is gorgeous. The characters are well developed and have complex background and stories to tell (one of the main characters has a degenerative hearing issue and will eventually become deaf).

32. Building Writing Center Assessments that Matter: 4/5 stars. This was a required text I had for a independent study I was a part of where I created a assessment of the climate of where I worked. This is a great resource in learning how to build assessments from scratch, and if you’ve never conducted one. I found the information they gave was limited to assessment of students who use the a writing center, while my assessment was more focused on how safe, valued, and heard those who currently work in the space feel. A great way to step into assessments!

33. Mary Ventura and the Ninth Kingdom: 4/5 stars. This was the first fictionalized piece of Slyvia Plath I’ve read. I can understand why it wasn’t published at first. There’s a lot of loose ends. Why was Mary going to the Ninth Kingdom? Why is everyone so placant in going to a “hell” type place? Also what the hell was the ending and her running away? This story left a lot to be answered, but I also love that about this short story.

34. Momo to Manji Vol 2: 5/5 stars. Volume two of one of my favorite historical yaoi mangas. It’s still hasn’t been fully translated just yet but I love it all the same!! So many complex characters, relationships!

35. Sweet Blue Flowers Vol 1. 5/5 stars. The first edition of a 5 volume series. Ramona told me to read this and I devoured the first book! Wholesome young girls falling in love with each other! Boyish girls who are heartthrobs! Unrequited love galore! Definitely going to check out the rest of the volumes!

36. Laura Dean Keeps Breaking Up with Me: 5/5 stars. Man. This comic took me through a roller coaster of feelings. First it kind of made me miss the constant interactions I had with people in junior high and high school. It also reminded me heavily of my first gf and I wondered if she and her friends viewed me as Laura Dean (in terms of being too cool. I never cheated lmao. And always just out of reach). It made me melancholy for a younger me who was also hopeless in love with their best friend. It was a wild ride, but one I recommend wholeheartedly!

37. Lovable Lyle: 5/5 stars. I’ve been looking at this little crocodile for awhile and I’ve come to the conclusion he is me. This book was silly but heartwarming as Lyle is beloved but suddenly receives letters from his sworn enemy. They try to ignore it, but they are persistent until they catch the culprit. Fucking ridiculous story but I loved every second.

38. The Great American Pin-Up: 5/5 stars. It was really cool how they sectioned off each famous artist of pin-ups. Some of them were tasteful nudes, semi-nudes, or lingerie teasing moments. As someone who is both gay and used to draw pin-up girls, this is a great reference!!!!

39. Drawing the R.A.F.: 5/5 stars. This book is one of those rarer finds. A british artist was commissioned to draw the officers of the R.A.F. in the middle of World War II. Some portraits are far better than others, but the worser ones are attached with amazing stories. Such as a 6”6’ pilot having to be physically shoved in a spitfire. These are fantastic and the art work is really beautiful.

40. Where’s Will? 4/5 stars. Where’s Will is a William Shakespeare version of Where’s Waldo. The art is beautiful and the hidden characters are extremely clever. However, I remember so often spending hours upon hours trying to find Waldo and the extreme satisfaction of finally finding him. Where’s Will I could find him within 5 minutes. It never went long enough to the point I feel worn and frustrated and finding several more interesting characters. He stood out more than he should and I flew through this book that Waldo would find insulting! But the illustrations are beautiful!

41. Carr’s Pocket Books - Florence Nightingale: 4/5 stars. This mini collection of Nightingale’s journals throughout her life is really interesting. As a woman who revolutionized what it meant to be a nurse and nurse practices, it was nice to see her own words from age 9 to 90. She was an elegant little girl with her writing and she showed wisdom beyond her years. Did I learn anything substantial about her work? No. But I did come to know her on a far more personal level that I appreciate.

42. Carr’s Pocket Books - How Horatius Kept the Bridge: 5/5 stars. Another one of these small pocket sized books I bought in Oundle, England. I don’t know why, but I’ve just been desperate to go through my books and get rid of any and all that don’t speak to me anymore. I also just want to read, a lot. This was part of my kick this week, trying to get through as many as possible. This poem story is about Roman soldier Horatius and how he single handedly took the Bridge against the Greeks. It’s a military triumphant, silly, and mystical, but I really enjoyed the structure of it. It was short and sweet.

43. Echoland: 3.5/5 stars. Echoland follows Arvid, a 12 year old Norwegian boy who visits his grandparents in Denmark for the summer. However, he’s growing up and he’s realizing that his parents are strained for some reason, his sister is too grown for him, and his grandparents are getting older. This book was confusing. It was short, quick, and I think younger children would enjoy this book more than me. It deals with more adult themes but through the eyes of a 12 year old. However, I found a lot of the storyline to be confusing: Why does Arvid not want to be touched? Why are his parents fighting?? Why does he hate all the men in his family? Why is he pushing everyone away? Why are his parents putting up with his attitude? There are a LOT of questions I have and there’s no real answer to be found. Maybe it’s the author’s style, but I found the story to be not as believable, but still enjoyable.

44. Mathilda. 2.5/5 stars. Mathilda was an audiobook I listened to as I suddenly got a migraine at around 6 pm and it didn’t let up until around midnight. The last three hours I’ve been listening to it. I thought this was Matilda from Roald Dahl but was instead by Mary Shelley herself. This was a very bizarre story. I really enjoyed the first half of the story which is about Mathilda writing a final letter to her best friend upon her deathbed. She’s retelling him her tragic story and how the death of her father was her fault. Her childhood was very bleak, touch starved as her mother died and her father abandoned her to his half sister. Her half sister wasn’t warm to her and saw her as a pest, which had Mathilda growing up til she was 16 without a father. Suddenly her father decided to return and within 2 months of his return her aunt dies, and now she’s in his custody. At first everything is fine, until her father starts to lash out at her and is very distant. He at first wants Mathilda to replace her mother and then rejects the idea. They go for a walk and Mathilda presses her father to tell her his deep secret and why he hates her all of a sudden. He refuses until she presses on and then he tells her that he lusts for her. She freaks out, he almost dies in the woods from shame, and then he leaves the next morning. Mathilda is then angry because SHE wanted to leave her father, but because he’s abandoning her again she chases after him. She finds him dead in a hotel room and then Mathilda begins to resent life and living. The story was great up until she decides to chase her father after he leaves her. It became a jumbled mess and Mathilda herself says her mind is a little mad with her decisions. The story started off as an intrigue with beauty descriptions, intense, and then just went bat shit crazy. The story ended on beautiful reflections on nature and how death is not beautiful for those living, but it really lost me. The last hour was a drag. I would definitely suggest listening to it if you have a migraine!

45. Megume to Tsugumi: 5/5 stars. Gay comic, lmao.

46. Golden Sparkle: 5/5 stars. I don’t remember the plot but it was cute.

47. Maltese Falcon: 2/5 stars. I was forced to read this for a film and literature class. Everyone was ranting and raving how the main character should be a male role model but that’s extremely stupid. Look, I love bad male representation (looking at you James Bond), but he was just trash. I get this is a famous crime novel, but GOD. It’s bad.

48. Maiden & Princess: 5/5 stars. This was about a maiden going to a ball who everyone thought she would marry the Prince. Except she and the Prince are best friends and she really fell in love with his sister. We love pride month books!

49. Prince & Knight: 5/5 stars. A gender-swap of Maiden & Princess except this was a Prince who goes off to slay a dragon to save his kingdom only to fall in love with a knight and marry him. SO GOOD.

50. Komi Can’t Communicate, Vol. 1: 4/5 stars. My friend Ramona told me to read this volume since she read it and loved it. While I loved the art and Komi, the story line was just a tad flat for me. It’s a really fun series if you like high school semi-romance but mostly heavy on friendship~!

51. What was Stonewall? 3/5 stars. This was one of those children informative books where they retell a piece of history. I thought this was great for children who know nothing about Stonewall but are hearing it from Drag Queens or in June for Pride History Month. I thought the information about Stonewall was short and concise and also good for children, however the book did verge off point and talk about other points of history as well as random actors who are gay. This is good, but it isn’t Stone wall, you know?

52. Pride: The Story of Harvey Milk and the Rainbow Flag: 4/5 stars. I watched Milk and I cried at the end. I’ve been wanting to know more about how Milk created our Pride Flag and this was another one of those books where it’s curated for children. So I appreciate the run down version it gives us, but they had to “modify” what the stripes mean, such as purple being Sexuality. Let kids hear the unfiltered truth!

53. TBH #1: TBH, This Is So Awkward: 4/5 stars. This was in the teen new released section and it’s a book of text messages. I hated this book, but also was way too invested in it when I was reading it out loud to my date. It’s just a bunch of middle school people sending love notes, getting the Valentine’s Day dance cancelled because they won’t stop using their phone and their principal said “Social Decency.” And then it ended by one of the girls bringing the valentine’s day dance back by creating a Task Force to enforce no texting during school. It was fucking wild and I loved every page I flipped through and wrote in.

54. Adaptations from Short Story to Big Screen: 4/5 stars. I liked it well enough, it was a textbook so I didn’t really read the stories in-depth. However, there are two stories I absolutely love which are Field of Dreams and Smoke Signals.

55. Our Father Who Art in a Tree: 5/5. I loved this book. It’s very true to the experience of what it’s like to be depressed and the first few months of deep grief. While I didn’t lose my parent until my teenage years and my brothers were older, but the strained relationships grief causes is so fucking poignant.

56. Little Miss P: 5/5 stars. I know it’s strange, because it’s a man writing a book about periods, but this was an excellent book. It really showcased the love-hate relationship women have with their periods and also sometimes accurate representations of what it feels like.

57. Ginza Neon Paradise: 4/5 stars. I don’t remember reading this manga! (I’m updating my book list after some months)

58. Na Leo I Ka Makani/Voices on the Wind: 5/5 stars. A book of history and photos of native Hawaiians, royals, and other cultural aspects important to the island. Some really cool photos.

59. Satoko & Nada vol. 2: 5/5 stars. Satoko and Nada are back again, continuing on with their studies and friendship. This book still continues to teach westerners some cool Eastern values while the main characters are learning about each other as well. I think the 3rd volume will come out soonish and that might be the end!!! I love this little series!

60. Annie on My Mind: 5/5 stars. One of the first lesbian novels to show a happy ending with the characters. It’s very much a high school love story and first real love. There were some parts of the story that were absolutely aggravating, painfully embarrassing, but also really heart warming. It’s a queer foundational book in literature, and if you’re interested in the history of queer literature, this should be on your list.

61. Killing Stalking: 5/5 stars. The comic finally ended. I started reading it in 2016 and finished in 2019. God was it a ride. It was full of conflicting feelings, creepiness, and an ending that leaves the reader confused, fulfilled, and also not fulfilled at the same time. I wouldn’t suggest reading it for those who are squeamish with gore, violence, and dark sexual themes, but it’s a fantastic read into what it’s like to experience stockholm syndrome and intense violent trauma.

62. Go for it, Nakamura!: 5/5 stars. A high school student falls in love with his popular classmate, but his classmate doesn’t know he exists! A cute gay book about falling in love, making friends, and pushing yourself to achieve your goals!

63. The Great Gatsby: 4/5 stars. The next two books are books I listened to while deep cleaning my room. It took me two days to fully clean my room, and this was also a challenge for my N.E.W.T.S 2019. I remember reading this book in high school and liking, and I think I lent out my copy and never saw it again. I bought it recently and decided to give it a re-read/listen. I think reading the book would have made it more engaging to me, but I found the themes to not be as impressive as an adult. Maybe it’s because I can’t relate to the characters or their choices are so dumb that I just can’t believe it anymore, but it was still entertaining to listen to. The narrator was great!

64. Emma (Narrated by Emma Thompson): 5/5 stars. This feels a bit like cheating because this rendition was not only abridged, but also had live actors. I’m very familiar with Emma, and Emma Thompson as the narrator was a genius move. However, do I feel like I read/listened to Emma? Not really.

65. Fresh Romance, Vol. 1: 4/5 stars. Half of the stories were very confusing and not very good. However, I really loved two stories about a Regency marriage and a spin off of Beauty and the Beast. I would read this volume just for those additions.

66. Pilu of the Woods: 5/5 stars. A cute story about emotions, friendship, and the woods. It even has a recipe on the back I want to read it!! The colors and characters are adorable. The storyline might not be as solid, but it’s a great read!

67. Ou-same to Puppy Love: 5/5 stars. A foreign prince falls in love with a neat-freak government official. Queue stupid boys in love!

68. Sugar Days: 5/5 stars. Childhood best friends, one small and manly, one tall and feminine, both love each other without having the courage to tell the other!!!! Very cute!!!!!

69. The Tea Dragon Society: 5/5 stars. I remember seeing this book a year ago and how everyone was ranting and raving about it. However, I never bought it or saw it. My best friend brought it over the other day for me to read and I could finally see what the fuss was about. QUEER CHARACTERS, LITTLE DRAGONS WITH TEA LEAVES GROWING OFF OF THEM, MULTIPLE REPRESENTATION!!!! IT’S SO GOOOOOD!

70. Luminous Animal: 5/5 stars. A jazz poetry book. It’s interesting how Tony Moffeit can write the same theme over and over, with the same lines but in different poems with different perspectives. It was really cool!

71. Still Mostly True: 5/5 stars. A weird poetry book that has philosophy and deep meaning poems with also weird ass drawings. However, my poetry book had inscriptions from someone else to their friend. The inscriptions were sometimes very annoying, but also kind of heartwarming how this friend made sure her friend knew she was thinking of her and loving her.

72. Sky, Wind, and Stars. 5/5 stars. A poetry book that was a Korean activist who was murdered by the Japanese through medical experiments for his radical poetry. We watched the movie in my Korean History through film class, and I loved it to bits I wanted to read his poetry. The movie downplayed just how radical his poetry was. Even as a English speaker, I can clearly see the activism, Korean pride that was written during the Japanese occupation. It was a wonderful poetry book, and an important one to Koreans at that. If you have the chance to read it, please do.

73. Memoirs of a Geisha: 5/5 stars. Haley (one of my bffs) recommended me this book like 3 years ago. It’s her favorite and I kept saying I would read it. August was the N.E.W.T.S. challenge and this fit the category of “audiobook” as I listened to a fan read audio of it and then had to read the last 7 chapters. I completely see where my friend finds inspiration in her writing from this book! I really loved the sad story, the harsh reality of Japan, even if this book was more on the idealized version of WWII in Japan and how Geishas were. Some of the thinking of Chiyo I feel could be chalked up to white men ideal sexualization, but overall I really enjoyed this book! Plus the fan who read it was really into her characters and she made the experience really fun.

74. Be Prepared: 5/5 stars. When you’re poor, Russian, and have the All-American-Girls as your best friends, life is extremely hard. No one likes your Russian food, the smallness of your home, and listening to a language not their own. VERA NEEDS SOME FUCKING NEW FRIENDS. As someone whose best friend is Russian, has a sister-in-law who is Russian, and a nephew learning to speak Russian, some people are really insensitive and it drives me nuts. I know a lot of people are upset with this book because it’s not a “full memoir” and yet is described as a memoir. I’ll just pose the question, can you remember 1 month straight at 10 years old, from people to dialogue? No? Yeah, cut the book some slack. This has great representation in terms of Russian culture and learning through it from little Russian eyes.

75. Kiraide Isasete: 5/5 stars. It’s another gay manga.

76. I married my best friend to shut up my parents: 4/5 stars. While I appreciate this story is light-hearted, it seems a bit far fetched for my taste. Also the main character doesn’t believe she’s gay, so I find it hard that a) she would actually get married and b) would just readily fall in love with her friend when she’s literally had no sexual desire for anyone. But other than that, it’s a ridiculous love story and it’s to the point!

78. Heartstopper V.2: 5/5 stars. I already read this awhile ago but I finally got my copy! So I’m just putting it in my list!

79. Raven: 5/5 stars. Raven is the first installment of the origins of the Teen Titans characters. I really loved this novel since Raven has always been a dark character in the original show. This book explores her experience with death, coming to terms with her birth origins, and New Orleans with ancient magic. A great start to a series I’m looking forward to reading the rest of!

80. Heartless. 4/5 stars. A child is taken care of by a succubus (male) after a religious cult burns down a hospital to get rid of the succubus. This story is intense in the gore and horror, but pretty light in plot. There’s no real driving force behind the characters and what they do, no explanation, it’s all just there for the reader to assume it just happened. But the characters were dynamic and interesting with superhuman powers and abilities.

81. The Adventure Zone Vol. 2: 5/5 stars. Every time I see Madame Director I sigh in relief because she exactly looks how I envisioned her while listening to the podcast many years ago. The story line is short, I feel like some of the build up jokes are lost or the frustration Griffin has with his brothers and dad that make the podcast so hilarious are missing, but it’s a really beautiful comic and also a great way for people to start listening to TAZ and MBMBAM

82: The Wind in the Willow: 4/5 stars. An audiobook I listened to. I had the paperback but it was too much reading for my mind for a classic children book. When I found the option on Libby, I listened to it as I started my preparations for the start of my final semester as an undergraduate! It went by fast, the actors were in their characters and there were some songs performed. I really enjoyed it, even if Mr. Toad is ANNOYING AS FUCK. Would recommend for those wanting to kill 2 hours of their time.

83. Classmates: 5/5 stars. High school sweethearts? Can’t express their feelings well? Uh, sign me the FUCK uP.

84-108. W Juliet: 5/5 stars. I haven’t read W Juliet since I was in 7th grade. I remember that I loved it so much that when I was in high school I began collecting the volumes and proudly put it on my shelf. I used to have two bookshelves worth of manga, and when I grew older I sold them but only kept two series: Marmalade Boy and W Juliet (I’m gonna read Marmalade Boy next). I’ve been wanting to reread W Juliet recent and revisit Mako and Ito’s silliness, and with the long weekend I did. I was not prepared for the analysis it would give me to my own life. Like, holy shit. This manga series was so important in developing me who I was as a kid, (some of them very mild kinks that my rp friends are subjected to), the loss Ito has and her issues with gender and like 100000% me and how I don’t like masculine guys at all with their toxicity (hello Mako, you summer child boy). I honestly want to do a fucking research paper on this series with an analysis of myself because of how much I love this series and how I connect to it. You can bet your ass this manga is coming with me for the rest of my life.

109-117. Marmalade Boy: 3/5 stars. Marmalade Boy was the manga that started it all. I remember being 8, having found the manga section with my best friend, and we decided to share reading Marmalade Boy. I was so captivated by the story that I made her wait in the car at her house, refusing to let her have the book until I finished it. It was the final of the volume, and it wouldn’t be another 3 years until I read the series OUT OF ORDER. I kept rereading this series, picking it up, I remember it felt like watching a movie. As an adult? God this series is really awful. The characters are very annoying, the teacher is very creepy, the plot moves WAY too quickly, and no one knows what consent is. It’s fucking insane. 1-7 volume is trash, but the 8th volume really put to life in the characters. For one, they’re older, it's been a few years, and they can step back from the crazy lives of high school. If it wasn’t for the sheer nostalgia, I would be giving these books away. But you gotta pay respect to those books that introduced you to life changing moments.

118. Ouji to Kotori. 4/5 stars. An art student, a prince who buys him, trying to escape, foreign lands, a story that has a “romantic” but is open ended. I liked the flow of the story, the art, and the characters were actually believable.

119. Mean Girls Club. 3.5/5 stars. Mean Girls Club is a 1950s tale of girls rising against the patriarchy through sex, survivor, drugs, and murder. The art style is amazing. But the story line is flat and feels rushed. Not a favorite, but still pretty enjoyable.

120. Grumpy Monkey. 5/5 stars. Grumpy Monkey is the story of a monkey who wakes up grumpy. Despite everyone not believing he can be so grumpy on a beautiful day, him denying that he’s grumpy, and getting angry at people telling him HE’S grumpy, is such a goddamn mood. Nothing pisses me off more than people telling me my mood. You don’t know me. Fuck off. Anyways, this also felt like a mental health book for kids, letting them know it's ok to NOT feel ok. As long as someone is willing to listen and not wanting to fix your grumpiness.

121. Dia de los Muertos. 4/5 stars. A children’s informational book about the Day of the Dead. Short, simple, great education.

123. Wild Cherry. 4/5 stars. Wild Cherry is a poetry book I’ve been totting around for 2 months but have had no energy to pick it up. I’ve been very depressed that I haven’t had time to read, and despite me falling asleep right now, I forced myself to read it. It felt very repetitive after a while with her constant calling back to long lost love, death, and April, but I appreciated the 1923 themes that were NO doubt soo popular.

124. Through the Woods: 5/5 stars. A horror comic book that reminds me a lot of “Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark.” I lent it to my co-worker since he loves these types of stories!

125. Dancing with Mr. Darcy: 1/5 stars. I read the first story which was Jane Austen crossing the River Styx and facing her judgement and then I tried to read the rest and it was all so fucking boring??? I put the book down and will not be continuing.

126. The Night Diary: 5/5 stars. So this was an audiobook I listened to during the week I had awful vertigo. I couldn’t go to work or university and I laid on the couch, glasses off, just listening to this story. If it hadn’t been read to me, I don’t think I would have loved it as much. It follows Nisha who is forced to leave after WWII when India is split into New India and Pakistan. All muslims are allowed to stay, but all Hindus must leave for New India because of territorial wars. It follows the dreadful path during the desert, the violence they faced, and the child’s innocence slowly being robbed from her. It’s all told through Nisha’s diary who pens it to her mother. The voice actor did a wonderful job.

127. We Contain Multitudes: 5/5 stars. Tiny twink nerd falls in love with Giant Jock football star. And then he falls in love with the nerd and they’re hormonal and coming out and angst with love. I understand why people are upset with the novel: the plot twist seems like a total cop out that the author placed and a 15 year old dating a 18 year old can get borderline statutoary rape. However, I absolutely loved this book. It was refreshing to have a “coming out” narrative that wasn’t focused on coming out, but rather these two boys falling in love through letters, reading the cringe of HS romances, and desperately following these boys through it all. It’s definitely a favorite I read this year!

128. Lovely War: 4/5 stars. This is the third book I read while going through vertigo, and my second audiobook. It’s set during WWI, following two love narratives but told through the perspectives of the Greek God. It was really refreshing, the voice acting was excellent, and I really enjoyed listening while dizzy constantly. I would have given in a 5 star rating, but near the end, Hazel’s pixie-manic girl stereotype was getting out of hand and her hypocrisy was really fucking annoying. However, up until that point, I really enjoyed it and recommended it to several friends!

129. The Assassination of Brangwain Spurge: 4.5/5 stars. I really struggled not giving this book five stars, but I thought some of the narration and story-telling could have done a tiny bit better. This was a great audiobook to listen to while I packed and finished projects before my plane ride to my first ever work conference. I was bummed out that I couldn’t listen to this audiobook on the plane because Libby requires wifi, but I really enjoyed the fantasy comedy of this book (even though fantasy tends to be a topic I don’t dare approach because it just through you into a world with no explanation). 10/10 would recommend to strangers on the street.

130. Aaron and Ahmed: 4/5 stars. I read this books during my great “aaaAH I’M GRADUATING TIME IS UNREAL” So these will be short. A story about after 9/11 and the brutality American soldiers went to gain answers, even if there were none.

131. The Tea Dragon Festival: 5/5 stars. Dragons? Tea? LGTB+? Who could ask for more??

132. Roadqueen: Eternal Roadtrip to Love: 5/5 stars. Lesbians calling out how trashy other lesbians treat girls who generally like them. “Fuck Boy” was used a lot and I loved this.

133. Skull-face Bookseller vol. 1: 5/5 stars. A skeleton tries to sell manga and explores the crazy customers who come in, the social mistakes foreigners make with Japanese booksellers, and Honda-san doing her best to survive in her job.

134-136. Beastars Vol 1-3: 5/5 stars. I saw a bit of the anime and realized there was a manga. I bought the two volumes I could and then the third one from amazon. I really enjoyed this series and look forward to reading it more!

137. I hear the Sunspot Vol 2: 5/5 stars. It’s nice to see the couple going on, even if its GUT-WRENCHING and stupid how they refuse to communicate!!!!! But it hits hard topics of the community for the hard of hearing and functioning in a world where signing is considered not important enough to teach.

138. Pink: 5/5 stars. A sex worker who spends all her money feeding her alligator and the trouble she gets into. Weird art style and at first I opened this book and didn’t buy it. 3 months later, decided to buy it and I adored it.

139: Restless: 4/5 stars. I don’t remember much about it, but I think it was cute. Maybe boyfriends find each other again?

140. How can one sell the air?: 5/5 stars. I’ve had this “calling” to start really reading native american stories and heritage. This is a controversial book with Suquamish people as they either see their leader finally giving up or instilling courage to stay firm even as the world does their best to destroy them. I really enjoyed reading his speech.

141. Skull-face Bookseller Vol. 2: 5/5 stars. Honda-san comes back again with her friends and exploring working in the shop with more crazy customers but also with her new found fame being a manga artist.

142. Gold Rush Women: 4/5 stars. A lot of white women with these narratives, which was disappointing since most of the Gold Rush Women were indegenious or came from other areas of the world rather than just Europe or East America. Wish there were more stories on the black, mexican, indegineous, or chinese women who were forced into slavery or abused or helped create the west.

143. No one is too small to make a difference: 5/5 stars. Greta Thornberg amazes me. Here we have a 15 year old with aspergers who is doing her best to inspire scientists, politicians, and anyone in the world to take charge of our climate change issues. It also amazes me how many people are threatened by a 15 year old and she’s forced to repeat herself in her speeches because people refuse to listen to what she has to say. She’s amazing.

144. Ookami he no Yomeiri: 3.5/5 stars A bunny and a wolf get married. What more can I say?

145. Monody: 3/5 stars: Monody is a strange poetry book. The lyrical writing leaves lacking in terms of uniqueness and deep thought, but aesthetically it is beautiful. Blue font paired with geographical maps of Reno, Nevada, the poetry book comes off more of an art piece.

146. Usagi no Mori: 3/5 stars. Uhmmm. Don’t remember…

#2019 books #2019 book reviews #2019 book list #book reviews

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yungcz · 5 years

Text

My Last Summer

Okay so here is a true story of mine, not sure what to make of it and it still makes me wonder about everything spirituality and energy related to this day.

The story on how I "sold my soul"?

It all started about almost 2 years ago, I was in my old home town, well not really my home town but somewhere I lived when I was younger, I had a lot of family there so going back and visiting was a part of my yearly routine.

So I'm in Tofino (literal name of town) walking at sunset with my older brother, as we are walking in the downtown area we come across an old homeless man, he introduces himself and right off the bat starts talking about the devil, I can't remember too much of what he had said but something that stuck with me was this "never sell your soul to the devil, or you'll end up with scars like mine" he says will holding up both his thumbs and grinning ever so slightly, it was quite spooky but at the time I didn't believe in spirits enough for it to actually scare me... Until a year later.

Alright so about 2-3 months prior to that summer I started diving into the deep end with conspiracies, and other things alike, so much so that I actually tried to sell my soul, I never told anyone about this, but I pretty much wrote my name, date of birth, the time and date and a list of demonic names I gathered through my research. Please try not to judge to much, I like to think of this more as a "science experiment" rather than for any personal gain this may have given me or might have, but of course it had to be authentic; on the same peice of paper I had started doing some quick math that I made up, I was also deeply interested in numerology, so I had practiced a lotbwith my own numerology, prior to this event. As I gathered up number information on my peice of paper (over the course of about 2 weeks) I had used an algorithm that interested me, also one that I had made up, and used it to put my puzzle of numbers together. So just a recap, on this paper had everything about myself, date of birth, full name and I boiled my list of demons down to one, the one I could invest this experiment into, the one I would hope would give me results, its name... ZoZo. I then proceeded to add my numbers to the page and add them using my algorithm (the algorithm is intended to give me a time, or a date) I pretty much used the numbers that appeared most throughout my 2 weeks.

After all of this very precise work, and careful thinking and planning of this ritual, I had my letter. Also the algorithm went little to nowhere, I believe it was close to events that were related but, I can't rememebrr. Now notice if you look online, there isn't really anything you could find to help you "sell your soul" so basically I went as personal and realistic as I could imagine, also adding my own energetic twist with my algorithm. Never try this. I have not been the same since.

With my paper and countlessly repeating a "spell"(I say spell for lack of other ways of describing it)

I then proceeded to chew the paper until it was a small ball of wet, well paper, wet paper lol.

I asked for wisdom and guidance in life, also the protection of all my loved ones, for my soul, I figured this was the best thing to ask for, if I would ask for anything. Also guidance into what ever the spirit world is, and help in figuring out what exactly reality is, that sounds stupid I know, but I was having an existential crisis at the time, religion and science wasn't doing it for me, I knew/know there is so much more to life, that we as humans have untapped potential, and have the capabilities of unlocking things unimaginable to the mind, things we are born knowing to be true, and that I believe we could alter these elements/energy. So I asked what I thought would be the best thing to ask something that is supposedly an old, old spirit, I asked it for wisdom and guidance, not literally, I wouldn't speak with this thing, more or less I asked it to provide hints in my future, through numbers and patterns, to help me understand life. Also how to understand the patterns of life and in life. But like I said, I had no results, and forgotten all about it... until last summer.

Now before I get into the main part of this story, I would like you to keep an open mind about what I'm about to tell you, and do what you will with the information, I don't ask you to agree or disagree. Honestly I have been carrying this around for a year now, and I sincerely would just like your opinions, nonetheless if you find a way to think about all of what I talked about, and find a way to deconstruct it and come up with a realistic answer, I would honestly love to hear it, this was my own little brain teaser, in a way, trying to decipher and come up with different ways of thinking about all of this, that just made sense, until it drove me mad, and I ended up having to brain wash myself into forgetting most of it (which has taken/took about 6-12 months), or coming up with different viable explanations for it.

So, last summer.

Last summer was a long one, I was invited to work in Tofino at a family run business, I'm 16 at the time and turning down a summer job in Tofino would be madness, especially since I would be living in a bachelor pad by myself, I was a drug abuser and on the verge of being an alcoholic, but I have good work ethics and I'm a pretty good people person (since my dads job was pretty much talking to people and giving lectures, I was well practiced in social situations), so getting the job was that much easier. But back to Tofino, I saw the opportunity for a party filled summer with as much drinking and smoking I could imagine, I smoke weed and have been since I was 11, picking it up around the age of 13-14, but now I was mixing in tobacco, I brought my bong with me when I left for the summer, I probably went through a pack of cigarettes a week, and got drunk ever day or every other day, so I give my bad habits credit for inducing me into a psychosis, or at least this is what I was diagnosed with at the hospital, that's later in the story. So the job payed well, and it was summer in Tofino, so finding somebody to boot for me wasn't hard.

The first week:

The first week wasn't hard work wise, I was in the sun and it required lots of exercise so I loved my job. Until one night I was bored, bored with drinking, smoking and all the rest, I needed something to do, I was staying in the upper level of my grandfather's wood work shed, and I was feeling creative, I decided making a small canoe would be a fun way to spend my time, and would pay off when I showed off my awesome carving skills to my grandpa, turns out I'm not as good as I think... I ended slipping and slicing my thumb directly down the middle, it didn't hurt really, I was just frustrated because I had no bandages, so I had to make some, it was pretty rough, especially since my job required my hands to be in working order, but I made it work. About two weeks after the incident, it was pretty much healed completely, only a small part was unhealed. And that's when I started craving fish, so I decided to go fishing, thinking about cooking it made my mouth water, I made a spear, and would borrow my grandpa's fishing gear, all I needed now was bait. I remembered back to when I was younger living in Tofino, being told that dock worms are the best fish food. So I set out as fast as I can, headed to the docks. It's a gloomy day, not out of the ordinary for Tofino, I just thought I might let you know. As I'm getting the bait, I notice that when there is any movement in the water, the worms dive down, I forgot this and proceeded to harvest 3 worms with ease, after getting them out of their tubes, I found out that I barley got the heads off of the worms, left with inch sized bait I knew I would need more, and I would have to be faster, after getting two that were decently sizedd, I went for the biggest one I could find, as I inspected the worm, I noticed it was right in the open(usually they stay in patches, making it harder to harvest them, because any disturbance would make them all immediately shoot down into safety) as I said before this one was big, about 4-5 inches, and had about a foot of space between it and other worms on either side of it. I was excited, with this I could catch a big fish, and so I proceeded to overthink the amount of force I would need to harvest it, with my knife it was pretty much like a hot knife through butter, I ended up actually cutting my other thumb right down the middle, and this one is even deeper. so know I have two vertical cuts on my thumbs from tip to the first Bend in my thumb, and no fish because I had to check if I needed stitches, I didn't, just ended up using rope and cloth. Although you would've thought I'd be all "Holy shit the guy said this would happen!" But it didn't come to mind, not until a day later, and boy did that shit ever excite me but terrify me at the same time, I literally could not believe what had happened, and the thing is, one was just perfectly healed up and the other was about half an inch deep. I quickly enter panic mode, I'm alone and explaining this all to somebody was not on my to-do list, so I did what any sane person would do in my situation, I entered ceremony mode, every moment was a lesson to be learned, everything that happened either meant nothing, or was a teaching waiting to be learned, you may ask yourself "weren't you terrified?! What if something has attached itself to you?!" Or "are you fucking stupid?" Well you'd be goddamn right because that's what I was asking myself at the time also, but I was damn proud of myself, my experiment had a lead, and I was destined to have more things come to light that would help give an explanation or, help me figure out what exactly I've done to myself, or rather "did" to myself.

Okay so this part I'll sum up nice and fast, because this story is long, in the coming 2 weeks after this incident, I proceeded to have over 10 different near death experiences, 4 of them occuring 4 days in a row, and the rest spread out through my week, just to keep shit interesting I guess. I'll tell you what happened in 4 of the days.

First day:

As I was biking home from a kind day at work, I found myself basking in the sunlight, absorbing every bit of the moment as I could, I felt good, but I was cocky with my biking skills, as I passed by a long stretch of black berry bushes that went deep into a ditch, I stupidly was going back and for forth, sort of how a snake would slither, I ended up going right off the path and horizontally into the ditch, I didn't even have my helmet on that day. As my bike was nearly fully in the bush, I leaped off to reach for the sidewalk, and managed to only get a small scrape on my hand from hitting the concrete and pebbles, nothing compared to what would've happened if I fell directly into it. The craziest part was, as I picked my bike up, a dandelion was caught in the bike chain, right at the very top of it, as I was fixing the chain, I checked my hand, only to find 4 small dots, what shape were they in? Well thank you for asking, THEY WERE IN THE SHAPE OF A GODDAMN FUCKING CROSS, I'm baffled, fucking lost it, I couldn't believe what I was seeing, right after the events to, it had to mean something.

The second day:

Now this is kind of backwards in comparison to the other story, I was riding to work, and for some stupid fucking reason, I decided to close my eyes, WHY? good question, idk I like to live life on the edge, after opening my eyes, I noticed I was about 10 seconds from going head on into a moving car, my bike was literally facing it and the car was facing me, I again, didn't have my helmet, if I didn't open my eyes when I did, well you know.

After that I decided it's best to always wear a helmet, or have it on me.

The third day:

So, the house I was staying, well more like shed, had a toilet and shower, god I felt lucky, the only thing was, I had to turn this nozzle to flush the toilet, and I and to turn it off so it wouldn't flood the bathroom, like I said I smoked a lot of weed, I ended up flooding the bathroom 16-20 times, fuck. The third time it happened, was the morning, I left it on the might before, and also my bathroom was located right at the bottom of the stairs that lead up to my room, so my jolly go lucky ass decides getting down the stairs as fast as I fucking can is top priority, I end up leaping down 3 steps, slipping in what is about 1/2 an inch of shit piss water, landing directly on the side of my body (luckily) and barley missing direct floor to head impact, I'm in shock, I couldn't actually tell if I hit my head or not, so this was scary for about 30 seconds, wondering if I and a conclusion or not, I got up and I felt fine, other than my shoulder being sore, I was aces. I actually ended up somehow fucking up the plumbing do bad my entire tub FILLED WITH PURE FUCKING SHIT WATER, THIS IS NO EXAGGERATION THERE WAS CHUNKS OF SHIT IN MY BATHTUB, and on top of that I had no place to wash my clothes, so for about 3 weeks I had to use the same disgusting sewer smelling clothes, because all my other clothes smelt like piss and shit from the other times I slipped in toilet water. And I couldn't use the toilet, for a solid week. And for those wondering yes I cleaned up the flood every single time and paid for all the cleaning tools to do so, I did my best to clean up with tub but I was kicked out before I finished it, I felt terrible, I nearly did enough water damage to the floor that my grandpa would have to renovate it, what was supposed to be a fun summer turned into hell. Literal fucking hell.

But weirdly enough, not enough of it actually fully registered with me, I was pretty Zend out and dealt with each problem as effectively and efficiently as I could, and handled it well mentally. Luckily I cleaned up each flood fast enough to prevent the renovation, also the plumbing wasn't entirely my fault, apparently the pipe was crushed from cars driving over it, so it was nice to know it wasn't entirely my fault.

And finally.

The fourth day:

I'm pretty sure I had a brain hemorrhage, I was drinking a lot, I mean lot, so much that I was still tipsy in the afternoon after a night of drinking about 8 beers (high alcohol percentages) I didn't puke or per before I slept, when I woke up I woke up to the sensation of smelling death, literally, it was a cross between my breathe, my dirty clothes, and lack of water. Later that night I decided to drink again, ended up going cross eyed and forgetting the rest. With all the stress I was going through, abusing drugs was not helping at all, I ended having a slur for a week, and not being able to think properly for a couple of months later. When I say I had a brain hemorrhage I'm not sure, I just remember immense pain in my head, and a feeling of numbness through out half of my body for a couple minutes at a time.

So that's probably the freakiest part of my story, other than all the hallucinations and the mini psychosis episodes I went through, this next part haunts me to this day.

I'm laying in bed, it's my day off, I remember being there and hearing somebody open the door... Sometimes my grandpa comes to do work, but he answers when I call for him. So I'm laying in bed, listening carefully, not knowing who or what's happening down those steps. I then hear foot steps, almost like if somebody had sandels on, they walked a couple steps, then skipped two then 3, I could hear that they were right out of sight but nearly at the top of the staircase, frozen in terror, I can't find the words to say anything, I honestly thought I was being robbed, or somebody had broken in, I yelled to see who it was, I have a deep voice and if you didn't know me i would probably sound pretty menacing, no answer... I yelled again and asked them to show themselves, No answer again. I then told them to leave, and that they weren't welcome here, and for fucking fuckSakes out of all the goddamn things to happen, I heard a fucking screech, A FUCKING GODDAMN SCREECH, I'm immediately thinking that I'm just having auditory hallucinations, I mean from all that's happened and the stress, it's all that made sense, I then shakingly laid down and waited, trying to relax myself, then just as I'm relaxed, I hear foot steps going down the stairs, and walk directly under neath my fucking bed, I wait and listen, all I hear is malevolent growling or something like that, and scratches, so many fucking scratches, this continues for about 2 minutes and it stops, suddenly everything is quiet. I summon the courage to go and check what had just happened, all that I see when I go downstairs is the door wide open, with my key still in the lock, I felt so stupid, but I forgave myself and tried to move past what just happened. I left the door open with my key in it 3 times when I was there, nothing else happened.

This is so fucking awesome I think to myself,

It actually worked, my experiment was successful, but I wasn't done, now I had to undo whatever was done, and deal with what else was to come.

If you hadn't noticed by now this story is hard to follow, the timeline is very broken up, contact me for any questions. I'm going off of memory and my memory isn't that good all the time, I practiced telling these stories when it happened, so I could in the future, I also told my closest friends the darker things, so I wouldn't forget, I was also smoking a lot of weed, so that didn't help either.

Over this time period (1 month in tofino) I also became the most spiritual I've ever been in my life, also, I began finding sticks, not just any ordinary sticks, but sticks that resembled wands, I've always been obsessed with magic, and these were very special looking sticks, especially when this was all happening I got more creative in finding things to store energy in, positive energy, to protect me.. I found 3 identical sticks, one was completely white, the next was more sticky, it had bark but was white, sort of like a cows hide, the third was completely brown, I found them before the interaction with the thing that went up my staircase... After that I got bad vibes from them, really bad vibes, so I broke all of them into even pieces and threw them out my window.

I then got a sixth sense, something was telling me that my real wand was in the forest somewhere waiting, plus who doesn't want a sick ass fucking wand?? So with my hopes up, I waited for the perfect moment, when I knew my stick was near by. The shed I was staying in was on a small mountain that was on the edge of a cliff, also surrounded by trees, so finding a stick was easy, but finding my stick, that was a bit more tricky. About 2 nights later I had a feeling I knew exactly where it was, my wand. It was pitch black in the night and I vouched to myself I would check tonight, so I do what I always do, I go out for a toke (smoke week and tobacco from a bong) and I went to where I thought it would be, thankfully to my sixth sense, I found one of the COOLEST fucking stick wand things, when I say this, oh god, it was so cool, I'll explain why, so you know how I got those cuts on my thumbs? Well this stick has two parts that act like a handle, and also they match up PERFECTLY with my thumbs, and at the end of the stick is a snake like tongue (I'm the year of the snake) after finding this, I decided to try something out... Now I know, for you sceptics out there this is going to seem like over the top bullshit, like grade A fucking bag of horse shit, but it's the truth. And I'll say this, there is other things I did to try and test the wand out, to see if it had any sort of power, in my research it did not. But something was different, I got this feeling that, that I wasnt using is properly, so what I did was I put positive energy into it, and I let it be in a hidden place. I left it there for about 4 days, then on the day that felt like well, the "one" I decided to do something with it. I wanted to make a swirl of clouds or something like that of a tornado, I know right? Fucking easy, lmao nah but I had no idea how to do this, so all I did was, get my mind completely clear, and then I pictured my mind's energy being transferred through my thumbs into the stick.

I then pictured myself forming a tornado, I started to move my wand in the way a tornado would. It took 3 or so tries before it felt right. I felt so weird about it. But I had to believe, it was the only way to get any form of result, at least that's what I found helped me to get results.

A little back story before I continue, my shed is surrounded by trees, not only that but it's home to eagles, crows, ravens and seagulls, but mostly crows, I actually became friends with them, I would whistle and they would respond, I know how smart they are and I respected them, there was even times when I would come back from work, they would jump from powerline to powerline following me home, or even fly back to the house when they saw me, but they usually just waited for me close to home, and then flew back to the house. Most amazing experience in my life ever.

But back to the story.

I've just finished casting my tornado spell or whatever the fuck my psychotic ass just pulled off in my bedroom, and decided to go outside for a bike ride. I decided to go out of my way to a far away dock, as I arrived to my amazement, there was two giant heard's of crows flying high up in the sky, both packs of birds (probably 30 or so) were flying in this sort of tornado like pattern and soon after formed a giant swirl of one for the most beautiful things I've experienced, I still to this day can't explain it, I'm also too embarrassed to talk about it with anyone, fear of ridicule I guess. But I haven't found a use for the wand to this day, I still have it, but I respect it, it's more or less a momento of the summer, I nearly destroyed it after I got back home, after being kicked out of my sweet Tofino pad, haha nah I wanted to leave it was cool, I would've stayed but it was out of my hands, almost hooked up with this amazing girl to solid (8/10 blonde), kinda fucked up timing if you ask me, but oh well, there is so much more I could talk about from what happened in the summer, but I covered all of the big stories.

So back home.

After all of this I'm feeling good, fucked up as fuck but good, I got clean clothes, food in the fridge, a place I can bathe (I wasn't for about 3 weeks) and a comfy bed, also no work and there was a month left of summer, amazing.

I had a lot of realizations, and came back with lessons for myself, but before that, my parents were pissed.

Not only was I ignoring them about half way through the month, I basically blocked them, not answering phone calls or texts, looking back on it now that's probably the stupidest thing I could've done, but with all that happened who could've blamed me. fucked up part is, my dad is now harrassing the fuck out of me to get a job, while I'm already worried about school because I skip alot and I've failed classes, I don't blame him I'm just saying, I was in a sensitive place.

Okay also a year prior to this, before Christmas, I was involved in a car accident, nearly killing me or crippling me, I left unharmed. What happened was they T boned the car at about 70km/hr hitting the passenger side, not my door but the one behind me, just two seconds off and I would have been major key fucked. Ended going into 30k worth of debt.

Okay so I get back from Tofino and my dad let's me know that me and my brother are now 24k more in debt, originally only 8k or so. So now I'm stressing about debt, getting a job, and school, right after all that shit happened, like I nearly fucking died multiple times and I kept it all to myself and didn't tell anyone, after getting back I didn't want to either, I was still processing that and the new news. I ended up bottling everything up and becoming suicidal, still something I don't talk

Too much about nowadays, or at least I haven't elaborated about how suicidal I was with anyone. So school pulls up on me as I'm bent down grabbing the soap and prepares me for a royal raping. I now have a job at my old work (save on foods) and I've grown to hate my job a lot, I didn't before, but for some reason I couldn't stand it now. One day I ended up seeing how far I could go before I either blacked out or stroked out, I think that day I consumed roughly 80 cups of coffee, and around 30 cigarettes, I was having heart pulpitations and at one point the left half my body went numb and all I could see out of my left eye was a bright flash, I tried to get up but couldnt for a good 3 minutes. Decided just to go full limp and see if I'd make it or not, i was trying to fight the numbness and headache but couldn't.

After this I got up, found my balance, proceeded to hock up a handful of mucus and went back to to cash because my 15min was over.

Later that week at school my counselor had been helping me with classes and decided to dig deep into my personal life, I let her have it and told her I was "testing" myself with coffee and cigarettes to see how long I could go before something happened, and the next day she asked if she could take me to the hospital to have me checked out medically, I said yeah sounds like a good idea, it really did I felt like shit, so we did and I proceeded to have a mental break down, never once did I bring up all the fucking selling my soul shit, nah I'm not that stupid son. But I did bring up what actually happened, and how I struggled with depression in middle school, once writing a suicide note and another time making a video giving my farewells, I was in grade 6 and 7.

Along with my story of coffee and cigarettes I gave them enough juicy details to keep me locked up for a fucking month, they did tests on me to make sure I was okay, everything checked out, I was actually in optimal health. I won't lie it wasn't that bad, there was lots of nurses, like sexy ass nurses, and I ended up working out a lot in my room, I was up early in the morning and couldn't be on my phone, so everything was good except being locked up in a hospital, they ended up sending me to a troubled teens home were I stayed for about a week or two, finally got out and ended up dropping out of school.

Well I hope you enjoyed that, it took a lot of brain power and about 3 hours to write (nonstop) nearly cried but I'm feeling good about it, everything in this story is 100% true, message me for questions, or if you want some pictures of my journey, I'll even show you my wand;) also some bts of other things that happened in Tofino.

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a-romance-with-misery · 4 years

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Day 164: A game of catch-up (4/1/20)

A lot has changed since my last post. College has begun and my first semester has passed. Overall, things have gone relatively well with all things considered. Grades are still high, albeit classes are significantly harder. I’ve made a few new friends who have some of the most incredible stories. I’ve also met some people with the darkest of stories, and unfortunately, I’ve rediscovered a learned truth: the happiest people and the saddest people often have more in common than one would initially suppose.

I had a friend in high school who I admittedly was never super close with. More like a friend who you’re friends with if you’re already hanging out in a group setting. That kind of friend. The important part is, I always assumed this friend was a ball of enthusiastic energy, an unstoppable force of positive power. He did theatre with me and often hung out with the theatre kids in general. He was a damn good actor who could become animated like no one else. However, high school came to an end.

For some people, leaving high school was the best thing to have ever happened to them. I have plenty of friends who simply had a horrible time in high school and who feel liberated at college. Additionally, I have many friends who are taking advantage of the distance they have between themselves and their families. This especially holds true for my friends who had abusive households or families who are openly hostile to them.

Then, I have my theatre friend. For his privacy, and for simplicity, I’m gonna nickname him Brendan. Brendan here had the best time in high school. He was popular among his theatre friends, admired for his acting, and was generally praised for his humour. Then, high school ended, and most of his friends left for their respective colleges. He went to college too, a local community college which kept him near our hometown.

Now, I was living my own life in my college and was over 2 hours away from home. I had no idea that he was undergoing an internal crisis. During my university’s fall break, I visited my high school and attended the school’s fall theatrical production. There, I saw Brendan and briefly chatted with him. He admitted to me he was not having a good time at his college, however was intending to stay for at least 2 years to get an associates before transferring to another college. Relatively typical plan, I thought.

Months roll by, and we come to Thanksgiving break. My roommate and pretty much everyone had left the resident hall I live in hours before. I notice Brendan making unusual posts on his Instagram, posts which I normally wouldn’t expect from him, so I reached out. Turns out, he had already attempted suicide before at that point and was potentially about to try again.

Now, I’ve had two other friends who’ve already killed themselves. I’ve dealt with others who were depressed and suicidal before. Yet every time, my brain seemingly shuts down and goes into crisis mode. Instantly, I strike up a conversation with him and play that identity game which I believe I stole from the Hunger Games novels: the one where Katniss would state an obvious fact about herself, such as her name, then move on to increasingly complex subjects, like her perceived guilts. Through this and our heavy discussion, I learned his home life has been unstable for some time now, that he feels inauthentic to himself and those around him, that he doesn’t really know who he actually is. He believes the person he was, the Brendan who would make people smile, laugh, and excited, that Brendan was simply a façade created in order to please people: that this was not actually him. This went on well past 3am and ended with me crying in my resident hall, thankfully alone.

It is now January, and I’m still occasionally talking to him. Admittedly, it’s more that he’s reaching out to me than me reaching out to him, but I’m still keeping an active line of communication. At least, that’s what I’m telling myself...

I have no reason to feel guilt over those I’ve lost to suicide. I know from personal experience, that sometimes, it’s nearly impossible to save someone. It sounds so stupid to me, but as a dear friend of mine put it: you can’t save everyone Bradley, you just can’t. She was telling me this more so to make me stop taking on so many people’s problems, but I digress. The point stands, I can’t save everyone, and I can’t blame myself when I fail.

Rereading my words, I now realize that this is making it sound like I’m pumping myself up, that I’m digging for attention by inviting people to tell me “you’re such a pure soul, blah blah blah”. I don’t know, I only add to this blog when I’m seriously troubled and I tend to be less cognitively aware when I’m like this. The point is, I am intending for maybe a few people to read and discover this, but make no mistake, this is absolutely for me to analyze myself, a bookmark of my mental state at a certain period in time.

Anyhow, I have far more to discuss, but this has already gone on far too long, and I must go back to bed. It’s currently 1:31am and my family’s sound asleep.

END day 164.

Are you finally happy Bradley?

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nanyoky · 7 years

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ALL of the numbers for Wanda and for Pietro

OMG THIS IS SO LONG I TOOK FOREVER. I did a mix of canon and au, especially where canon limits the answers.

1. What does their bedroom look like? Shared one until the bombings, very sparse - parents didn’t have much money. Then homeless until post - ultron.

Wanda: We see wanda’s avengers compound room In cw but I… don’t…. like… many things about that movie so - let’s say more cramped and closed off. Even if given a larger, open space I feel Wanda would fill it in an eclectic way. She nests like no other. When you’re not used to a set space being your own, it’s exciting and novel to surround yourself with things and images of your choosing. She goes to thrift stores and garage sales and collects just dumb things that she likes just because she CAN.

Pietro: Canon: hasn’t ever had his own. Nice happy everybody lives au: pretty plain, but nice. More stylish than people might expect. Some spillover of wanda’s possessions. Entire half of the walk in closet is devoted to sneakers. 2. Do they have any daily rituals?

Wanda: Definitely a tea drinker, at LEAST in the morning and before bed.

Pietro: Not quite compulsive, but he actually falls into routine very fast. In the city, he had a circuit he would travel with things to do along the way- taking food, talking to people from the tent city, taking necessities, scoping out new places to sleep so they did not use one single place too often, checking in on the occupying soldiers’ movements, harassing police officers on duty, etc. 3. Do they exercise, and if so, what do they do? How often?

Wanda: Not before the Avengers. Now she does, but grudgingly. It helps when the others point out the more varied her skills are, the more people she can help.

Pietro: He always ran, even before they got their powers. Somewhere in their teens, he started doing simple exercises like pushups and situps when they were bored because he thought people wouldn’t hassle them as much if he looked tougher. With the Avengers, he gets bored with all the training- routine that he doesn’t define himself. But he appreciates being able to to something he’s good at. 4. What would they do if they needed to make dinner but the kitchen was busy?

Wanda: She checks with her mind before going into any shared living space. If she doesn’t mind company, she’ll still come in and cook alongside whoever is there or share their food. If she’s not feeling up to it, she will wait.

Pietro: Uses his speed to work around anyone in there, which is annoying exactly 100% of the time 5. Cleanliness habits (personal, workspace, etc.)

Wanda: Organized chaos, for sure. Long bath goblin. We’re talking multiple hours here. Candles and music and a book and maybe even snacks in there.

Pietro: Neat and contained out of necessity for a long time. But the more comfortable he is, the more likely he is to be cluttered and messy. The team starts getting annoyed when he begins to leave his shoes and hoodies everywhere, but those of them good at reading human behavior (natasha, sam, clint) notice the pattern and guess why. 6. Eating habits and sample daily menu

Wanda: Long time not knowing where their next meal was coming from means she eats when and whatever she can. Living in the compound is an adjustment, but she starts getting more discerning and learns what she actually likes an doesn’t like. Sam introduced her to lemon bars and she ate a whole pan and then threw up one time she knew it was coming but they were just SO GOOD.

Pietro: Everything. So much. People know his powers include increased metabolism, but they don’t really GET IT. Steve will go to order pizza like “so you think 20 is good for all of us I know you eat a lot” and he’s just like “20 for me” “haha- right” “No. you don’t understand. You will all starve.” But he also has the terrible habit of eating too fast (surprise surprise) and makes himself sick. 7. Favorite way to waste time and feelings surrounding wasting time

Wanda: Definitely a “no time you enjoyed spending is wasted” type person. She loves to read and do her nails and listen to music.

Pietro: wasting time makes him anxious- unless it’s quiet time with Wanda. But even that is up for criticism if it lasts too long. He won’t complain to her, but he gets restless and fidgety until she tells him to go do something to get him to calm down.

8. Favorite indulgence and feelings surrounding indulging

They used to smoke sometimes in Sokovia- mostly when it was cold and they had to sleep outside. They don’t anymore, but sometimes get a craving they have to try to replace with something else.

Wanda: Collecting things like jewelry and decorations for her room. And sweets. Fancy looseleaf tea.

Pietro: Doesn’t really think of things as indulgences. He does what he wants or needs and then moves on. 9. Makeup?

Wanda: Loves it. Feels stupid and underprepared for her day without it.

Pietro: Doesn’t like it on himself, but helps Wanda with hers. 10. Neuroses? Do they recognize them as such?

Woah boy. Can you say holy codependency batman? I don’t think either of the twins could ever get over this. Canon universe, I think grieving Pietro is going to be a lifelong process for Wanda. There’s just no way she can ever “move on” from the loss of him. Au- I think they could both work on some of their other issues and relax enough to form relationships outside of one another, but the codependency would never go away. They would still bounce back to “no one matters but us” the moment they are threatened. Neither of them will likely ever see this as a problem. They recognize that others do though, which only feeds into their “no one understands” complex.

They both have phobias and ptsd from their chidlhood traumas. Mostly these show as little things, but on a bad day, can be an issue. Claustrophobia and being tethered or incapacitated during crisis are always issues. Typical stuff like night terrors crop up regularly.

11. Intellectual pursuits?

Their formal education ended at 10- as they skipped out on the foster system out of fear they would be separated. They would often spend time in the city’s library, as it was one of the few places that wouldn’t kick them out for not buying anything.

Wanda insisted they learn English. She thought it would come in useful on their mission to kill Stark. She also likes reading, though mostly fiction.

Pietro struggled with learning English because he’s easily frustrated and hates feeling stupid. He reads well when he finds something that interests him, but very rarely has the patience to sit and read for long periods of time. 12. Favorite book genre?

Wanda: Gothic romance and horror. Bronte, Shelley, Morrison, Jackson, some O’Connor.

Pietro: Would rather ask Wanda to read aloud whatever she’s reading than pick his own. He likes them though- particularly things with dry shows of humor and scathing judgements of social norms. He keeps his love of Vonnegut quiet, as Wanda can’t stand him. 13. Sexual Orientation? And, regardless of own orientation, thoughts on sexual orientation in general?

((we already talked about this a bit))

Wanda: I waffle on this depending on the story I’m telling. My two favorite Wanda sexualities are Bi!Wanda and Ace!Wanda. Like hard ace. Zero interest. Not repulsed, just uncomfortable with the idea of sex in relation to herself and her own body. Not particularly educated about different sexualites. Probably didn’t know there was a word for being asexual until much later in life.

Pietro: I love my dead bi son. Ditto above on education. But definitely observant enough to know differing preferences aren’t all that unusual.

Both of them don’t talk about sexuality much- not in a private or “i don’t like labels” kind of way, just in a “if i want to have sex with you, you will know. and if I don’t, then it’s not likely to come up” kind of way. 14. Physical abnormalities? (Both visible and not, including injuries/disabilities, long-term illnesses, food-intolerances, etc.)

They both have faded, but still note-worthy scars from the bombing rubble. Wanda low key never has bare legs and Pietro never goes sleeveless.

15. Biggest and smallest short term goal?

Wanda: Depending on what part of canon or au we’re talking about, could be variations on “get through the week” and “make pietro smile”

Pietro: Always “get through the week” and “Make wanda smile.”

16. Biggest and smallest long term goal?

Before AoU, both of them had the goal of living long enough to kill Tony. Smallest would have been “find out what to do after.”

17. Preferred mode of dress and rituals surrounding dress

I wrote a big long rant about the twins’ costuming/character design once this is MY JAM.

Wanda: Woah boy does she love her clothes. She loves collecting new pieces that she can layer. Jewelry is a must. She feels naked and vulnerable without it. Loves the aesthetic of fashion but doesn’t think much about how her body looks in it. Feels weirdly self conscious in light colors.

Pietro: comfort is #1, but it is not his lone concern. Almost opposite of Wanda- pretty bland aesthetic tastes, but likes how he looks in some things over others. Low key very aware that warm colors wash him out. Used to wear charms from their mother around his wrists or neck but they’ve all since been lost or broken or stolen. Wanda pierced one of his ears when he helped her do hers, but he rarely wears anything in it. (There was a shot in aou where pietro turns his head and you can see Aaron Taylor Johnson has a pierced ear and it just struck me as a very accurate twin scene like *smol Wanda holds up a needle and a handful of snow* “come pietro - were pierce our ears now” “nice.”)

18. Favorite beverage?

Wanda: Teateatea always tea.

Pietro: Constantly hydrating. Metabolism thing.

19. What do they think about before falling asleep at night?

Wanda: Long term plans. Starts with what she has to do the next day, the next week, the next month, etc. Doesn’t always help her sleep though.

Pietro: Short term plans. All the things he wants to get done the next day/should be getting done instead of sleeping. Almost never helps him sleep.

20. Childhood illnesses? Any interesting stories behind them?

Occasional illnesses as children. After the bombings they both got sick on the street a lot. Pietro would always try to steal a wallet and get a hotel room whenever they were ill. Or at least befriend someone enough to stay with them.

21. Turn-ons? Turn-offs?

Wanda: Ons: Tall men, women with curly hair, good tattoos, slow hands on her thighs, neck kisses, leaving marks with her teeth and nails, wall/counter sex, drunk/buzzed sex, the low-key voyeurism of whispering dirty things in public, slow, passionate makeouts that slowly and steadily build into faster and rougher sex. Offs: fetishizing innocence/inexperience (certain guys think her stockings are a sign of being into a schoolgirl vibe but any type of age roleplay is a hard stop for her), her partner setting the pace without give and take, being called “cute” or “sweet,” having her hair pulled, anyone who dislikes pietro.

Pietro: Ons: men’s forearms, curvy women, and…. a… few fetishes… biting, hair pulling/playing, drunk/buzzed sex, basic restraints, oral fixation but most of all PRAISE KINK and he doesn’t want to talk about it not at all don’t bring it up please for the love of god don’t make it A Thing. Sam wants to talk about it Sam Wilson wants to talk about it a lot. Offs: people who think sexual intimacy means affection is now acceptable, being laughed at, people who think they’ve “figured him out,” anyone who dislikes wanda.

22. Given a blank piece of paper, a pencil, and nothing to do, what would happen?

Wanda: vague doodles. Patterns and motifs. Sometimes lists and plans, but most of that is mental.

Pietro: little mini comics that will make wanda laugh. (during team meetings he draws little stick!steve and stick!tony arguing and the scene gets more and more elaborate until stick!stony makeouts happen and wanda just fucking loses it in the middle of tony discussing new tech.)

23. How organized are they? How does this organization/disorganization manifest in their everyday life?

Wanda: Organized to herself. Clutter that only she understands. No one can find anything in her room if they need to, but she knows exactly where everything is.

Pietro: Very simple and organized, but he is That Guy who has The Chair or The Drawer where things kind of build up until he doesn’t remember what’s all on/in there.

24. Is there one subject of study that they excel at? Or do they even care about intellectual pursuits at all?

Wanda: loves literature and language.

Pietro: is a better storyteller than a writer. Wanda says there’s no difference but he disagrees.

After his death she tries writing down some of his stories but he was right.

25.How do they see themselves 5 years from today?

pre ultron: dead. Both of them.

Post: Wanda just keeps trying to find more things she can do to help others and make amends. Pietro would join her if he were alive.

26. Do they have any plans for the future? Any contingency plans if things don’t workout?

Kinda the same as above. No real back up - they will either succeed or die.

27. What is their biggest regret?

pre ultron: not being able to help their parents and not realizing what the true nature of the SHIELD facility was until it was too late.

Wanda in post aou: every single thing about that day.

28. Who do they see as their best friend? Their worst enemy?

Friend - each other.

Enemy: Tony until post ultron, then they wouldn’t really know. Part of the experience of it all is learning things aren’t as simple as friends and enemies.

29. Reaction to sudden extrapersonal disaster (eg The house is on fire! What do they do?)

Of course, as children, their instinct was to stick together and hide. As adults, pietro handles any immediate danger, and looks to Wanda for the plan once there is a moment.

30. Reaction to sudden intrapersonal disaster (eg close family member suddenly dies)

They didn’t have time to grieve their parents. Wanda screamed for days after sokovia, then was basically catatonic for weeks. In a nice au… I don’t know. If they started getting close to others, then lost someone, I think pietro would get anxious and want to do something, while Wanda would close off and try to keep him close to her.

31. Most prized possession?

Wanda has the jewelry and clothes that Pietro stole from her. She likes mixing up her wardrobe, but those ones are special.

Pietro doesn’t keep much long enough for it to be “prized.” He keeps track of things very well, but once its outlived its use its gone. He still feels guilty about the charms though, and if any had survived, he would take special care of them.

32. Thoughts on material possessions in general?

They both feel they should not get too attached because they have lived so long only keeping what they can carry, but that has also meant they are very protective of the things they have.

33. Concept of home and family?

Each other. Always. They did feel a sense of home and loyalty to their city, which is part of the reason they never tried to leave.

34. Thoughts on privacy? (Are they a private person, or are they prone to ‘TMI’?)

Wanda: Wanda is very private. Part of the reason is that she realizes how much of oneself is constructed deliberately due to her powers and natural knack for perception. So she likes giving people as little to work with as possible. It gives her a sense of control. However, she is more likely to feel close enough to someone to tell them things that she wouldn’t tell strangers. Whereas....

Pietro: Private about some things, VERY blunt about others. Sort of the opposite of how most people might be. He’s the one to tell the story of their parents’ deaths, every time. And ah- certain subjects don’t make him uncomfortable. Ex: one time, bruce and helen set the whole team of enhanced avengers down to talk about different aspects of their abilities for their records and when it was Pietro’s turn- “I eat a lot, I’m fast, I don’t need to piss as much as you’d think from how much i hydrate? so that’s nice. I heal fast, don’t seem to bruise from blunt impact, oh- and my refractory period is like- 30 seconds.” and everyone just “.....kay”

And of course, they have no secrets from each other. Zero sense of privacy between the two of them- like how they share a personal bubble.

35. What activities do they enjoy, but consider to be a waste of time?

Wanda: Like I said, doesn’t see things she likes as a waste of time- that is, unless there is currently something she can actively do to meet a goal. But she values planning time and that can be done while doing the things she enjoys.

Pietro: Flirting. He is a hopeless flirt (see deleted scenes from aou) and enjoys it, but honeslty he thinks it’s kind of silly. Either someone is into you or they’re not. Flirting is like the “how are you? say hi to your mom” of sex.

36. What makes them feel guilty?

Before Ultron: Nothing but their parents.

After: everything.

37. Are they more analytical or more emotional in their decision-making?

Wanda: both. Her emotions fuel her, but she’s too practical to go with the first plan that pops into her head. she feels she owes it to the validity of her anger and guilt to take the best course of action.

Pietro: definitely emotional. He analyzes just enough not to make things immediately worse, then acts.

38. Would they consider themselves a Type A or Type B personality?

Wouldn’t know what that is.

Post AoU, Wanda reads more about psychology to help understand how her powers work. Once she comes across this, she’s educated enough to know how simplistic and meaningless it is.

39. What recharges them when they’re feeling drained?

Time together.

Post AoU Wanda: Time alone. Doing something that makes her feel like herself like drinking tea or painting her nails.

40. Would you say that they have a superiority-complex? Inferiority-complex? Neither?

Wanda: Bit of both, but leaning more towards superiority. But it’s less superiority, more utter confidence and faith in herself- even when misplaced.

Pietro: Bit of both, leaning towards inferiority. Scared he’s not enough to protect wanda or get them what they want.

41. How misanthropic are they?

Can be a weird mix. They hate what people are capable of doing to one another, which comes from the empathy of seeing themselves and others hurt.

42. Hobbies?

Wanda: the reading, fashion pursuits, etc. With the team, she’s gotten to try more things like cooking and music.

Pietro: He feels good when he’s running. Not even to speed. Just running is something he’s good at and he likes doing things he’s good at.

43. How far did they get in formal education? What are their views on formal education vs self-education?

(am i going crazy i feel like i answered some of these like four times)

Their formal education ended at age 10. Skipped out on the foster system and the attached public ed.

44. Religion?

Their father was jewish, but somewhere about halfway between “observant” and “christmas tree jewish.” After the bombings, they have almost no residual faith and a pretty antagonistic attitude toward organized religion.

45. Superstitions or views on the occult?

Their mother was Romni and used to give them charms and things to carry for luck and protection. She herself took the customs only vaguely seriously and just followed most out of cultural tradition more than anything. Wanda thought it was all very serious and magical when they were young, but after the bombings refuses to talk about it. As previously stated, Pietro used to carry the charms very carefully, but they didn’t have any on them when they were pulled out of the rubble and he tries to act like it doesn’t bother him that they don’t continue on with the traditions, but it does. He hasn’t told Wanda (she knows anyway), but he found a holed stone a year after their parents’ deaths, but lost it immediately. He still thinks it was a sign he’s meant for bad luck.

46. Do they express their thoughts through words or deeds?

Wanda: speaks for the two of them, most often. Except when it comes to sharing stories. That’s where Pietro steps in.

Pietro: Makes Wanda’s will into action. Usually leaves the talking to her.

47. If they were to fall in love, who (or what) is their ideal?

Wanda: Someone who doesn’t necessarily understand her, but does not seek to unravel or change her. She might have a tendency to desire partners who are possibly too passive when it comes to her. This prevents her from healthy relationships a lot. She has no patience for criticism, no matter if it is about somethign superficial, or about something genuinely concerning, like her self-destructive tendencies.

Pietro: Tends to confuse what he wants, which ends messily every time. He doesn’t consciously want a serious commitment, but unconsciously sort of... expects it? This goes one of two ways- his partner takes the relationship seriously and he doesn’t, which means he is callous and flippant with them OR his partner doesn’t take things seriously and he’s frustrated and hurt that he is such a minor event in someone else’s life.

The twins are... not good at dating.

HOWEVER, given the opportunity post aou, I think they would both try to improve their empathy and interpersonal skills a little better. Wanda would do well with someone who actively encourages her to express herself and step outside of her own head, but doesn’t get pushy. Pietro would do well with someone conscientious, but who would also coax him not to take himself so seriously.

48. How do they express love?

With one another: Protectiveness. The way Pietro always has his back, but Wanda is always standing between him and known danger. Physical affection/their shared personal bubble.

With befriending the rest of the team, they would struggle for a time. But eventually Wanda starts making two cups of tea when someone else is in the kitchen with her and Pietro starts smiling, just a little, at their jokes instead of rolling his eyes.

49. If this person were to get into a fist fight, what is their fighting style like?

Wanda: It’s not exactly speed that’s her strong point, she’s just ABRUPT. even before the experiments, she was very good at reading people and situations. She can tell when a fight is inevitable, and once diffusion is no longer an option, she will strike first and not fast, not stopping to let anyone get their footing. Dirty fighting. Knees and nails and big jagged rings.

Pietro: Big surprise- fast. But also very- full bodied. I love the way that with his speed, Pietro’s attacks in aou are mostly just “run into robot so fast it just falls apart.” I feel like that’s not just the powers, but also how he does things. Just kind of throws himself at/on people and hits with anything he’s got. Fast and dirty. No kidney or testicle is safe.

50. Is this person afraid of dying? Why or why not?

Wanda: Pre aou: not if it’s together. Post: no. Would be somewhat of a relief. Finally going home after a long day. Wherever she’s going, it’s the same place as Pietro.

Pietro: Yes yes oh god yes.

#maximoff twins #codependent supertwins #long post #such a fucking long post #i'd say i'm sorry but if this surprises you in any way you probably should have unfollowed a long time ago #character meme #do it for the meme #asks #@essayofthoughts

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