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i-am-become-a-name · 2 years

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What's your interpretation of the weird/annoyed look Five gets on his face when Tegan announces that she wants to rejoin the TARDIS at the end of Arc of Infinity? I know it was probably meant to be played for laughs, but it annoys me every time i watch that episode and i'm curious what headcanons people have about it.

My favourite thing I've read about it pointed out that the cybermen specifically used Tegan as a weakness against five, that she's what it took to manipulate him (and through no fault of either of them, Adric's death was part of those consequences.) The novelisation really goes in to the descriptions of the doctor transfixed with the blood running down Tegan's chin from her bitten lip, the building tension as the cybermen get closer and closer to killing her and he's shaking trying to hold himself back from admitting his hearts are so easy to twist, just by threatening his friends. (Does Nyssa ever leave the TARDIS when it's on the spaceship? The cybermen don't even know she exists til they come onboard do they?)

As for why he looks so annoyed? hmmm. Does anyone want someone around that constantly needles them? Really, I think pre Arc of Infinity that even though Tegan had chosen to stay, they still had that power imbalance or even just tension between them that she had not come on board willingly. So five is expecting that to be the continuing, I don't know, continuing manner between them and it hadn't been good. It had its moments (mainly in the audios) but as an arrangement it was not ideal as friends to explore the universe together, all that terrible beauty and awesome monsters.

But it doesn't continue on in that manner - oh they bicker and make faces at each other, sure, but Tegan's conscious decision to step back onto the TARDIS irons out those imbalances, removes that bitterness and the past of her aunt's death. So when he makes that wee face, it's in expectation of the previous status quo. And never let it be said that Tegan's one to do exactly what's expected of her.

Anyway I really hope this makes sense and I may add some more thoughts later but it's 1:50 am Christmas Eve and I couldn't sleep for thinking about this.

----

It's 2am I'm back. I feel like there's also this uneasiness in five about tegan, that mirror that no one likes being held up to themselves. Their similarities but the starkly different ways they express them must be exhausting to five. and here she is back again. To push and prod and challenge and be brashly beautifully glorious. wait. that last bit was the two am shipper coming out. Anyway they draw strength and resolve and anger from each other and Tegan was vital to five, from his first moments till his very last.

#again sorry if it's not coherent but it's been a WEEK. and it's still going.#look away if you're not interested because whatever it's my boring life stuff but. worked sunday and tuesday. thursday my boss texted me #did i want to go up to the next largest city flights and accomodation paid and worked for two weeks at their branch of our shop.#(i said no thank you but holy sht.) and that whole day we'd been taking the house apart looking for dads santa outfit for reading #night before christmas to the kids. utterly gone. nowhere to be found. sister said she had one so we were like oof we can relax it's fine.#sister did not in fact have one. so we took the house apart again. still not here. friday i went out and bought the fabric and fur to Make #one (six straight hours work on the jacket alone) and the kids come up to decorate their trees.#oh! and! when i went in to work to buy the fur (i can only purchase stuff of managers it's store policy) she was like. you can't leave the #shop. stay here. and i went no???? have i done something wrong??? but another manager came down and the managers had put together little #Christmas gift bags for everyone which is so sweet because i still feel like I'm there on sufferance even though it's been like 4 months.#but then. seven o'clock or so when i was still cutting up panne velvet i get an email from the boss who offered me the chch opportunity -#he's now quitting his position at our store. two weeks notice. so I'm stressed about that because we had a good thing going where he'd text #me once a week. we'd arrange extra shifts and that was it. what if the new store manager sucks or hates me or something??#and I've got like five half finished advent fics but i just. don't have the spoons between work tired and c19 brain fog and christmas tired #anyway none of this is about five and Tegan I'm so sorry i just need about ten more weighted blankets on me.#five #tegan #an ask a palpable ask #srsly i love being asked about them or any dw opinions you are so wonderful in my eyes #tbh the advent fics are getting to the point i might just post them all the way through January and when i write little ficlets. people #seem vaguely to be enjoying them but trying to do a December thing was a bit much.#I've just realised this week was even longer. last Saturday we spent the whole day out of town with the kids. and Tuesday we went out of #town to do the stuff we'd planned to do before we had to babysit them on our planned trip day. jfc no wonder I can't brain straight

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complete-in-ix · 1 year

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In the Melody of Dawn, I'll Find You

Rated: T Warning(s): Depression

Description: Everything in nature has a spirit, whether it is something as small as a budding flower or as big as the sun itself. Each spirit has a purpose to fulfill in their life, and they are to continue fulfilling it until they fade away along with their host. To most spirits, they are content with just this purpose. This purpose gives them the energy to continue on. There are a rare few who find this purpose draining, however, and they see no other reason for it other than to make their lives dull and stagnant. This is the story of a certain special ten who feel this way, and how they find another purpose that makes their lives worth living.

(Read on Ao3)

NOTE: This first chapter was written in 2018, long before WayV was formed and before The Everything that happened with a character in the ao3 tags who had yet to appear in this work besides in the introduction. This work itself is currently being revised, and this version is only still up for archival purposes

Park Jisung, the Moon spirit. His purpose is to keep the world alive while the sun sleeps. Loneliness is all he’s known, despite having the sea, the sunset, and the brightest star in the sky at his side. He doesn’t feel wanted by his friends, despite how much he really means to them. To him, he’s just there to help them with their problems, and he’ll leave when they are resolved. If he could just find someone to hold him down, to make him see just how much he affects the lives of others, maybe then he’ll find a reason to stay and keep shining as bright as he should.

Lee Jeno, a Star spirit. His purpose is to light the way for the other spirits at night on the nights where the moon cannot. His light puts every other star to shame, yet he still harbors a hidden darkness deep inside. His heart belongs to the ocean and the sunset, yet he only lets the beautiful parts of him shine. If he could just let himself be vulnerable and admit his faults without fear of being rejected, then he can realize that he would still be truly accepted, no matter what.

Na Jaemin, the Ocean spirit. His purpose is to help maintain the life that the sun and moon have created on earth. He spends his days watching the sun and clouds chase each other in a game of cat and mouse with their hearts, and he spends his nights pining after the sunset and a certain bright star. His heart has already been broken once, and he’ll be damned if he lets these two break it again, despite the fact that they would never dream of doing that. If only he could just realize that he will never see how they feel about him if he keeps holding his head high above them like he does, and he has to look down and see just how far they would be willing to go for him if he would just let them.

Huang Renjun, the Dusk spirit. His purpose is to help put the sun to sleep and wake up the moon every night. Every night he wakes up happily anticipating the sight of the two who have stolen his heart: the ocean and a blindingly bright star. But when the darkness falls, he goes to sleep frustrated at how they both evade his love, but he never tells just how much it tears him apart to have to say goodbye every night. If he could just find it in himself to let them know how he truly feels, then he could see just how much he means to the both of them.

Kim Jungwoo, the Earth spirit. His purpose is to provide the basis for the life that the sun and moon conjure up in this world. All his life, his only true company has been the forest. He envies the ocean, who has the moon, the sunset, and the brightest star in the sky at his side. He envies the sun and the clouds that seem to love each other by hating each other. Oh, how he wishes he could have something like that, if only he wasn’t so shy. If he could just find someone to break him out of his little shell, maybe then he could know what it feels like to truly live and be happy.

Qian Kun, a Forest spirit. His purpose is to provide a home and shelter to the animals that reside by the beach where this story takes place. He has the earth to keep him company, but he wishes they could both be welcomed in the company of the other spirits. One of the disadvantages of being unable to leave the cover of the trees, he guesses. If he could just see what he has inside what he considers a prison, then he could see that the life that stays inside his little bubble isn’t so bad after all, and he really isn’t missing out on true happiness.

Zhong Chenle, the Dawn spirit. His purpose is to put the moon to sleep and wake up the sun every morning. His laughter brightens the entire world, yet some days he feels that it isn’t genuine. Perhaps he is jealous of the fact that the sun has a cloud that spends almost every day with him or the fact that he wakes up to the sound of the moon and ocean laughing with each other, yet there is no moon to be found. Either way, he can feel himself losing his happy glow by the day, and it scares him more than he would like to admit. He wants to only feel the happiness that he brings to others, but he has to come to terms with the sadness in life before he can really be free and happy.

Lee Donghyuck, the Sun spirit. His purpose is to bring the flame that lights up an otherwise cold and dead universe. His light and warmth are supposed to bring both life and death to the world, yet he refuses to embrace the part of him that brings destruction. He is slowly starting to suffocate under his repressed destructive energy, and one day he will pay the price. But if he accepts both sides of himself before then, he will know what it is truly like to free and happy like he says he is.

Mark Lee, a Cloud spirit. His purpose is to protect the world from the sun on the days where his heat gets too overbearing. He cares deeply for the sun and would spend every day by his side, but some days he feels as if he is no longer wanted. They have been fighting more often, and on some days their fights bring on a rage from him that even the earth and ocean cower from in fear. If he could just see why his dear Sun is lashing out like this and bring himself down to help him, he wouldn’t have to fight so hard to keep his heart from being broken.

Wong Yukhei, a Wind spirit. His purpose is to breathe life into the world that the sun and moon have created. So far, he has been content with just going with the flow, never settling down for anything and just coming and going as he pleases. But deep down, he is getting tired of that free feeling. He wants someone to tie him down, to make him rethink his decisions if he ever leaves. Perhaps he will find it here, on this island the spirits reside on.

It is spring, the season of new beginnings. Unbeknownst to these ten, this will be the start of a story that will forever change their entire lives.

Jisung blinks awake from a dreamless sleep to Renjun roughly shaking him, almost shaking him out of the bed entirely. He bites back a curse as he opens his eyes and twists out of Renjun’s grasp. Right, the seasons are changing yet again. That meant he had to sacrifice more of his waking hours to try and get three lovestruck idiots together. Great. Absolutely wonderful. “Good evening hyung. Thanks for that oh-so-polite awakening,” he grumbles as he sits up and rubs the sleep out of his eyes.

“You’re very welcome Jisungie. Now come on, you need to get up,” Renjun replies in a sweet, almost motherly tone. Jisung rolls his eyes and tosses the blankets aside onto his friend, who squawked in protest. The red light emanating from Renjun’s hair disappears under the sheets; and the walls of Jisung’s room go back to a soothing indigo, a welcome change from Renjun’s burning red.

“And you need to screw off,” Jisung grumbles, flicking the blankets back over Renjun’s head right as he untangled himself. The disgruntled moon spirit pushes himself up out of bed and grabbed a hairbrush from his bedside table, halfheartedly running it through his deep blue hair that started to glow softly as it becomes untangled. He stares blankly into a mirror on the wall beside his bed as he tried to make himself look presentable. He looks as if he is blending into the shadows in the room, the only thing giving away his presence being Renjun’s red light creating a silhouette for him. On nights of the new moon when he looked like this, barely visible if it weren’t for the light of his friends; Jisung wished he could just sleep in the whole night. Sure he still had his job to do, but there really isn’t any point if no one would notice him doing it, right? It’s funny, he’d only ever really been admired or appreciated during the full moon. Those are the nights where his bright silver hair outshines even Jeno’s, and the night crowds around him to watch him dance. Even though the attention could get a little suffocating at times, he would still prefer all that rather than be practically invisible. Renjun must have caught sight of his wistful expression, as his soft voice suddenly cut through Jisung’s melancholy thoughts.

“Jisungie, are you alright?” Renjun asks, placing a gentle hand on Jisung’s shoulder. The concern is apparent in his voice and expression, and the red glow of his hair dimmed down to the point where it was almost nonexistent.

“I’m fine. Just the normal New Moon mood swings,” Jisung sighed, brushing off his friend’s worries with a reassuring smile. That’s what Jisung had always told everyone, and it was true to some extent. The New Moon did make him feel a little less than appreciated at times, but sometimes he would feel even worse even if the moon was at its fullest. He had never known why he almost always felt so listless and tired, and he told himself that it’ll go away if he just sticks to what he’s supposed to do.

“I wish I could say I relate so I can help,” Renjun murmurs, giving Jisung a sympathetic smile, “But it’ll all be okay soon, the moon will come back and you can shine brightly again. And remember that I’m here to talk if you want me to, okay?”

“Yeah, I know. Seriously, don’t worry about it okay? This is normal for me,” Jisung reassured, giving Renjun his brightest smile and hoping it didn’t look too forced. He knew Renjun had good intentions, and he was truly grateful for it, but at the same time, he’d rather have his friend not care about him at all. It would make him feel less guilty if he left like he wanted to. Renjun already had his own problems with Jeno and Jaemin, and Jisung can’t imagine how he woke up to Mark and Donghyuck fighting almost every day. Perhaps it would be easier if he just stayed invisible. No one would notice if he faded away anyway.

Renjun just gave him another worried stare, but he lets the topic slide.

“Anyway, want to go meet Jeno and Jaemin? I’m sure they’ve been waiting to see you,” Jisung suggested, quickly changing the subject before it can get awkward. He knew that trying to help those three again tonight would only exhaust him more, but he did it anyway since he had nothing better to do.

Renjun’s smile (and hair) light up the room instantly, and Jisung doesn’t need to hear Renjun’s response to know the answer.

Fifteen minutes later, Renjun and Jisung make their way down to the beach, the glow of Renjun’s hair illuminating the path ahead of them. “Hyung, your hair makes it look like we’re setting the forest on fire,” Jisung jokes, his previous sadness temporarily forgotten.

“It’s burning with my love for them,” Renjun sighs in reply, his eyes dancing with whatever daydream he’s having about the two.

Jisung rolls his eyes. Those three were all so whipped for each other, it was ridiculous. He stops when he sees a familiar figure standing at the beach, the water lapping up around their ankles.

“Jisungie! Renjun-hyung!” The figure calls, waving furiously to the two of them.

“Jaemin!” Renjun exclaims, running over to envelop the Ocean spirit in a hug, nearly bowling the two of them over. Jisung hears their joyous laughter from the edge of the forest where he stands, and he pushes back a wave of jealousy as he watched the two playfully wrestle in the tideline. Jaemin used to look at Jisung the same way he looked at Jeno and Renjun, and although that relationship had slowly burned out and ended with no hard feelings on either end, Jisung wishes he could still have a bond like that. Maybe it would help him feel less lonely.

“Jaemin-hyung! How have you been?” Jisung called as Renjun and Jaemin eventually separate, hoping that the exhaustion in his voice isn’t too evident. He makes his way down the sand towards the two, stopping a safe distance away from them in case they still weren’t done with each other.

“I’ve missed you.” Jaemin murmurs as he stands up to face Jisung, warmth spreading into his voice. “You don’t come around as often as you used to.” The Ocean spirit opens his arms for a hug, flashing the Moon spirit a dazzling smile. Jisung hesitates, dropping his gaze to hide his tired eyes. ‘If only you knew why...’ He thought to himself.

“Come on Jisungie, for old time’s sake~?” Jaemin pleads, and Jisung is unable to resist despite his exhausted reluctance. He rushes forward and all but collapses into his friend’s arms, ignoring the cold water splashing up around his feet.

“Sorry I haven’t been able to come to see you lately. I’ve had... Other issues,” he muttered, his embrace going slack as Jaemin hugged him tighter. He silently curses himself for making his feelings so obvious. Jaemin had been the first to know about the creeping melancholy that had slowly taken hold in Jisung’s life, and it makes Jisung want nothing more than to just leave.

“Jisungie, you’ve got to tell me when you’re feeling like this. I still do love you, you know. I don’t want you to be unhappy.” Jaemin subtly motions behind Jisung’s back for Renjun to join them as he spoke. “Tell me what’s been on your mind, Renjun and I will listen,” he urges.

“I-it’s nothing, really. I just...” Jisung bit his lip to hold back his tears as Renjun hugged him from behind. He hesitated for a long while trying to find the right words to express himself without making the atmosphere too depressive. He hated it when his friends find out about his hidden sadness; it always made everything after feel so heavy, and he wound up making them help him instead of the other way around like it should be. “I... It’s been feeling a little cold lately,” he finally chokes out, silver tears slipping down his face.

Renjun knew full well what he meant, and he hugged Jisung tighter in response. “I’m sorry you feel that way,” he murmurs.

“We’ll always be here for you Jisung. Even if you feel like there is no one on your side, we’ll be here for you,” Jaemin adds, holding Jisung close to his chest as he starts to cry.

Silver drops fall and mix with the water as Jisung’s pent-up emotions finally come spilling out, and he is thankful that Jaemin’s tight grip keeps him upright. He stays there in his friend’s embrace for what feels like hours, and when he finally calms down, he notices that Jeno has joined their embrace as well.

“Hi, Jisung. Are you alright? I came to meet you all just like you said but then I came and saw you crying, so I-“ Jeno is cut off by Jisung, who waves him off.

“It’s fine, really. You three can go on without me, I’m going to rest.” Jisung murmurs, ignoring Jaemin’s concerned protest. He gently pushes him away towards Jeno and Renjun, urging him to talk to the other two as he leaves. “Seriously, I’m fine. You guys just stay with each other, I’ll be back. I promise.” He insists, walking off before any of the three can say anything. He turns around when he reaches just beyond the treeline, and he can see that the three of them have followed his advice and are now talking to each other. ‘Better for them to be with each other than be worrying about me.’ He thinks to himself as he continues down the path through the forest.

His emotional outburst had left him drained, and he wants nothing but to just go home and sleep. It wouldn’t matter if he slept before the Dawn spirit came to put him to bed anyway since he had always passed out before they even arrived for as long as he can remember. He knows it isn’t good, but no one seemed to notice, so he’d keep doing it until someone noticed and stopped him. His steps take him deep into the forest past his house tonight, and despite how contradictory it sounds, he feels welcomed by the sense of loneliness that settles over him.

‘Maybe tonight I’ll just let the forest swallow me up... Surely no one would care if I disappeared, right?’ He thinks to himself, although he quickly shakes that thought away. ‘No, I can’t think like that. Jeno, Renjun, and Jaemin still need me... Heaven knows they’ll die before they confess without my help...’ Despite how much he loves his friends, he still wishes he didn’t feel so used by them. He knows they all love him dearly, but there’s always a nagging feeling in the back of his mind that tells him that he isn’t really needed by them, and once they have their issues solved, they’ll just leave him.

He tips his head back and heaves a long sigh, staring up at the starry sky. He can hear the faint laughter of the other star spirits as they dance, and the soft voice of the Sky spirit singing along as they light up their stage. On another night, he might join them up there on that stage, but not tonight. The moon is hidden behind a dark mask tonight, so he’d never be noticed among all those shining lights. He is thankful for the shorter nights of the changing seasons this time. Normally he’d hate how he has less time to dance and show off to everyone, but now he’s a little happy that he has less time to be awake to deal with his and his friend’s problems.

‘Jaemin would probably have been willing to dance with me... At least, before Jeno and Renjun...’ He thinks to himself. He instantly regrets that thought though, as all the happy memories from their past love come flooding back into his mind, and he wants nothing more than to just close his eyes and forget them all. Don’t get him wrong, he isn’t bitter in any sense about their relationship ending. He had been starting to lose his feelings for Jaemin a while into their relatively casual relationship, and the creeping sadness inside his heart had gradually made it harder and harder to keep loving him while still loving himself. Jaemin had been completely understanding when Jisung had approached him about ending their relationship, and he promised to stay beside his side platonically until Jisung found someone else to make him happy and keep the darkness out of his heart.

But still, Jisung still wishes to have that connection with someone. It really doesn’t matter who at this point, he guesses. He just wants someone to take the pain away. Although, that would be even worse for him in the long run.

He is jolted out of his thoughts when he missteps and falls down a short cliff onto another beach. ‘Since when did I-‘ His train of thought is stopped completely when he looks up and finds himself in a completely unfamiliar area. ‘Did I just... Cross this entire island!?’ He thinks to himself, scanning the area for anything that he might recognize. He sees nothing familiar, and he freezes in fear. He really shouldn’t be scared though, since Jaemin would always be able to find him even all the way out here, but still. He can see the sky getting lighter in the distance, and it isn’t Renjun’s fiery red. Dawn is coming.

He feels even more nervous when he’s faced with the fact that he managed to cross the entire island in one night, and now he’s stayed up long enough to meet the one person that he still hasn’t met, despite their inherent need to be connected. He highly doubts that the Dawn spirit will be happy with him avoiding them for as long as he can remember. It’s not like he could really help falling asleep before they get the chance to put him to bed like they should, but he doubts that they will listen if he tells them.

His fears are confirmed when he hears faint singing coming from somewhere in the distance, and he frantically looks around for a place to hide. He had long forgotten the route he had taken to get here, and he wasn’t in the mood to try and call Jaemin over to save him now. He spots a cave a short distance away, and sprints across the sand to avoid the oncoming Dawn.

As soon as he enters the mouth of the cave, he nearly breaks his legs stumbling over the rocks at the entrance (If it were even possible to break his legs in the first place). For once, he curses the darkness that surrounds him for hindering his way as he runs further and further in. He would find his way out later, now he just cares about hiding and possibly never coming out.

He finally stops after about five minutes of running blindly through the darkness, crashing to a halt at a sudden opening in the cave tunnels. He looks up to see a small opening in the roof, just big enough to hold the image of the full moon if it had been shining tonight. The faint glow of the stars above illuminates the surprisingly clean cavern, which has a perfectly circular spring of clear water in the dead center underneath the opening in the roof. He approaches the spring with caution, noticing that there is a sort of path leading towards it. Nothing too obvious, but he can tell by how worn the stone is that someone has been coming here for a long time. A quick glance behind him tells that whoever it is hasn’t arrived tonight, and he turns back to the spring and is surprised by how still the water is. Despite the opening in the roof and his rough entrance that surely jostled the entire cave system, the water hasn’t moved at all. He can see small crystals forming intricate patterns at the bottom and the sides of the spring, and if he focuses, his reflection stares back up at him in the water.

‘Have I always looked this tired?’ He thinks to himself, reaching out a slightly trembling hand to touch his reflected self in the cold water. He’s surprised he hadn’t noticed how drained he looks sooner. He feels bad for Jaemin, Jeno, and Renjun for having to see this exhausted version of him every night. He always tends to look a little tired during the waning moon, when his body can’t take any more of his exhausting performances every night, but this is different. Worse. There are dark circles under his sunken eyes, and there are silver streaks tracing down his face from his earlier tears. His hair is dull and messy despite his attempts to keep it neat, and his cheeks are pale and hollow. He can barely recognize himself reflected in the clear water, and he can’t help but sigh at how far he’s fallen from grace.

“Pretty, isn’t it? I was really amazed when I first saw it too.”

An unknown voice breaks through his thoughts from the entrance of the cavern, and Jisung nearly jumps out of his skin.

He whips around to see no one other than the Dawn spirit smiling cheerfully down at him.

#in the melody of dawn i'll find you #nct dream #past jaesung #chenji #norenmin #4 o'clock au #perennial #2018 was a simpler time... I miss it #i was having fun #but was also incredibly depressed as I'm sure you can see in this work

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