#forcing myself to draw something other than Alina

[recovering-vamp]

[rosielav]

TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FAVORITE OC CURRENTLY

TELL ME YOUR FAVORITE DINOSAUR

WHATS YOUR FAVORITE PODCAST SO FAR

1. My favorite OC right now is Alina (shown below by herself and also chatting with Jazzy, another fave OC of mine). She's 30, a professional clown, and a ray of sunshine. She loves making people laugh, to the point where even if she's being serious, she still cracks jokes. She's never been in a serious relationship, but has been in a few silly ones. She always wears a full face of clown makeup, even just to get groceries. Surprisingly she doesn't wear clown shoes, but instesd combat boots splattered with paint and glitter and whatnot.

It's hard to pick a favorite though because I do love all of my OCs. Before last year I didn't have any that I drew, just ones that I wrote. So now that I have a handful, I love them all so much :) I feel included!!! I have OCs!!! And I can draw them!!!! (sometimes)

2. I don't know all the dinosaurs off the top of my head but I like a plesiosaur or a brontosaurus :)

3. My favorite podcast is now, officially, The Amelia Podcast. Last night I found myself attempting to put on a new episode, multiple times, only to remember I'm now fully caught up. A huge reason I most always ingest podcasts that are still producing content is that I have something to look forward to :) they're doing an Advent Calendar series so every day until Christmas I get a couple minutes of entertainment from my favorite cast of characters. I seriously can't recommend it enough to anyone who likes: dramedy, archival systems, voicemail/recordings, or anything of the sort in their podcasts. It has LGBT+ rep that never feels forced, and a plot that answers just enough questions to leave you gasping and grasping for more. The voice acting is impeccable, and when you hear their natural voices you'll be gobsmacked. This podcast has brought me more joy than any other podcast I've ever listened to, and kept me interested for every. Single. Episode. If you decide to listen to it, I would be honored if you yelled at me about it while you listened. There are so many fun little tidbits of info to find, and it all leads up to a very satisfying *current* conclusion (they are halfway through S5, taking a break while also releasing daily Advent Calendar episodes).

Yay!!!! :)

[yesimwriting]

Corridor Moments

A/n this is a request from @mariannagris for a fic with the Darkling x Sun Summoner! reader where they're having a cute moment and then Zoya walks in and sees that they're together and gets jealous.

I'm working on a longer fic that should be up this weekend!! I'm working through a bunch of requests/updates rn I promise lol

--

He's no longer guiding me, but he hasn't moved his hands away--one on my waist, one on my shoulder.

"Aleksander," I try to keep my tone casual, only hinting at a warning.

There's no way he misses it, but he still allows the hand on my shoulder to ghost across my collar before setting his palm on my cheek. "Yes, my sun?"

Before I can roll my eyes, he brushes his thumb across my cheek softly. His touch has started to become more casual, but I'm not sure the comfort it brings me will ever lose its novelty. I tilt my head slightly, leaning into his touch.

"We're not alone." The reminder is more for me than him. All of his actions are intentional, he knows the risks of his sudden bout of affection. "We may be in an empty hallway now, but we're not alone."

Aleksander leans forward slightly, forcing me to press my back into the wall to avoid melting into him. I don't miss his half-smile, a confident smirk breaking across his features. He knows what he's doing. "And what would we need to be alone for?"

The slightest hint of annoyance bubbles in my chest. For someone so determined, he enjoys playing coy more than he should. My lips part, prepared to call him out for his teasing, but Aleksander senses my hesitance like always. He leans forward again, this time pulling my chin up slightly so that our lips could brush together if I just inclined my head slightly.

The closer we get, the more I feel our distance. His eyes flicker downwards, focusing on the slight part of my lips. Aleksander angles his head downwards, allowing our lips to meet fully. Now that the barrier's been broken, I have no choice but to reciprocate with full force, my hands leaving his chest and finding their way into his hair. Aleksander's hands grab the collar of my kefta. He pulls me towards him sharply, as desperate as I am to eliminate space.

And then he pulls me away. I'm left pouting on instinct, lips slightly swollen and breathing a little uneven. "Easy," he chides, "We can't afford to get distracted."

I wrinkle my nose at him. He started this, pulling me out of the meeting under the ruse of important, private conversation. "And who's the one doing the distracting?"

Aleksander smiles fully. A real grin, the kind of grin that rivals any amount of sun I could ever produce. "You," he breathes, leaning in again and brushing his lips against my cheek, "Considering you won't leave my thoughts."

I let myself grin back, his unexpected softness an arrow that pierces through whatever's left of my composure. "You're awfully sentimental today."

He straightens slightly, expression still light. "Is that a bad thing?"

Squeezing the hand that he's placed on my waist, I beam at him. "Not bad at all--just different."

He's still looking at me with a fierceness that sometimes frightens me due to its wholeness, but something ancient and dark is settled behind his eyes. Something haunting that he won't let me help him with. I haven’t known him that long, but I’ve figured out that his affection is often a secret plea, a silent attempt to rid himself of darkness. What's the point of being able to summon the sun if you cannot banish the darkness that haunts those you care about? I raise his hand to my mouth, kissing each of his knuckles deliberately. He exhales at the contact, some sort of tension coiling in him at the chaste contact. 

I like us better when we’re alone. When he lets things like this slip from him as he tries to let my light in him. I could stay in this corridor forever with him. I could hold him by his hand to make sure he can’t slip away from me. 

Reality does not allow me to coddle my dreams. If I lose focus, he’ll be able to convince me to do anything--to forget my own name even. I drop my gaze to the hand I’m still holding, running my thumb along his knuckles. “We can’t--we can’t stay.” Not the truest sentiment--he can do whatever he wants. “I can’t stay.” The correction leaves me bitter. “Not for long.” The addition only softens the harsh edge of reality slightly. “People are already starting to think you’re extending favoritism towards me.” 

Aleksander lifts the hand I’m holding, taking my hand with him. He turns my hand over before placing a kiss on my palm. The contact is warm and fleeting and I’m powerless against the sentiment it stirs. “And this isn’t favoritism?” 

I roll my eyes, his warm breath is still against my skin. “That depends--am I your favorite?” 

His hold on my hand tightens slightly. “You already know the answer.” I let the corner of my mouth twitch upwards. Aleksander has already offered me more than I expected today, but it’d still be nice to hear him say it. “You, my darling, my sun, will always be my favorite.” 

I beam a little easier, warmth expanding in my chest. Still, the feeling isn’t enough to burn through all of my reluctance. His affection stems from the fact that he believes me to be his salvation. That’s the only thing that makes sense to me. How else could i have won his affections? 

“It’s easy to favor a Sun Summoner,” the response is soft, a bit of forced teasing edging my words. 

His eyebrows draw together as his hold on my hand tightens, turning from a gentle squeeze to a desperate grab. “Sun Summoner or not, no one else has ever held my favor the way you do.” Aleksander leans towards me again, the comforting heat of his breath on my cheek. “And no one ever will.” 

I’m reduced to nothing more than happy neediness, letting him cup my face and pulling me towards him. His lips meet mine with a desperate understanding that’s both bruising and coddling. Aleksander’s teeth graze my bottom lip, testing waters that are unfamiliar between us. I reciprocate, pushing even closer to him. He pushes us backwards, pressing me against the wall as he moves his attention away from my lips and down my jaw, leaving a trail of hot skin wherever his lips brush. 

“Aleksander,” I breathe, placing a hand on his chest, “Meeting--we need to--” 

He pulls away just enough to let me feel his grin, “That can wait.” 

“They’ll think things,” Despite my warning, Aleksander doesn’t pull away, his fingertips brushing against my collar. “They’re waiting,” he sighs against my hair, still careless, “Alina--she’s waiting...” He continues to touch me like I’m an illusion of the light. “And--” He smiles at my waning resolve, attempting to move forward to silence the last of my protests with a kiss. 

I turn my head, suppressing a reluctant laugh at his carelessness. Aleksander is not discouraged, pressing a kiss against my cheek. Shifting my gaze while placing my hand on his chest to make it easier to push him off fo me, I freeze. He must feel my new stiffness, because Aleksander pauses against me.  

Zoya. She’s standing at the entrance of the corridor, watching us--watching me--with such a sharp look of ill-defined displeasure I’m surprised I’m not physically withered by it. Awkwardness and something akin to guilt leave me blind as I try to create space between me and the unbudging General. Does he not see her? 

“Yes?” His voice leaves goosebumps against my skin--not an ounce of shame, but not a drop of that easy-going softness either. He’s General Kirigan again--sharp and incapable of shame or regret. He’s in complete control, all the power in the world is at the fingertips that are still on my skin. 

Zoya’s expression does not waver, eyes still locked on me. “Those in the meeting were beginning to worry, but I see that you’re occupied.” I was wrong. She’s not staring at me, she’s staring through me--like I’m nothing more than a thin curtain on a cloudless day during high noon. “I’ll inform the others.” 

“You’ll inform them of nothing I don’t approve of.” He’s fierce, the threat of venom apparent in each syllable. “And it’d do you well to meet the Sun Summoner’s gaze with a little more respect.” 

I’m quick to grab his forearm, desperate to articulate how much I’d rather him not pick this fight--not when most can barely stand me, not when the more I think of Zoya’s look I realize any bitterness towards me is something else. Not hatred, no--resentment. The kind of resentment that’s only ever a byproduct of something else. If I was bolder, I’d assume it a look of jealousy--maybe not over the man, but the attention and praise received for being nothing more than new and shiny. Her eyebrows knit together as Aleksander’s hold on me adjusts slightly. Okay, maybe the fact that I’m with Aleksander has something to do with it--but it has to be more than that. Her dislike of me, her constant myriad of comments and looks all points to a jealousy much more bitter than that of someone love sick. 

If something in her has been broken over time here, time around Kirigan and his pension for manipulating that I am not blind to and my presence and joy is a reminder of that, than I can bear her hatred. “She was looking at me normally.” Before he can challenge me, I move his hands off of me gently and slip away from between him and the wall. 

I guess that’s what it takes for him to understand that I mean it, Aleksander straightens and takes a step forward. His eyes linger on me as he walks forward. I stay a few steps behind him, a pathetic attempt to cling to any kind of properness I can manage. 

“If I were you, I’d at least comb your hair with your fingers before entering that room again unless you’d like to announce yourself as a form of entertainment.” 

Being a decent person is nauseating sometimes. “And take the fun out of it for you?” 

I don’t wait for her reply, moving down the hall to catch up with Aleksander. Still, when I’m no longer next to Zoya I brush my fingers through my hair in hopes of correcting any damage she’s created. Maybe I should be more worried. Maybe I should care about the opinions of others more. But every reason to stay away from Aleksander entirely feels so small. I’m not naive enough to fall blindly, but the thing about being a Sun Summoner is that you can bring light with you, no matter how dark the path you chose is. 

I watch Aleksander as he places a hand on the door to the room. He offers me one last, genuine smile. His path isn’t as dark as he wants it to seem, and even if it is, I don’t care. 

[dragon-kazansky]

Shrouded in shadows | The Darkling

Gender neutral reader

[Masterlist]

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Part 29

Later that night Aleksander had asked you come to the war room. He wanted to show you something important. You agreed to meet him there after dinner.

He was waiting for you when you arrived.

"What is it you wanted to show me?" You ask, following him to the table.

"Before I show you, let me explain myself," he says, looking at you. That sparkle in his eye that he gets when looking at you is gone.

"OK..."

He holds his head up a little higher and looks you on the eye.

"For Alina Starkov to do what I need her to, I need her to let go of her past."

You nod in agreement. You knew that.

"So, I'm trying to make that happen."

Aleksander opens a draw near by and dumps a pile of letters on the table. You eye them, knowing exactly what they were.

Genya had told you that every morning Alina would ask her of a letter had arrived for her. Every morning the answer is no.

Because they're here.

You look at Aleksander.

"You're not sending hers, and not giving his," you confirm.

"Yes."

You look back at the pile. You know he had read every single one of them. He had been learning about Alina while simultaneously learning about what was happening within the First Army from Mal.

"This Mal is an excellent tracker."

"You mentioned a talented tracker..."

"Yes. Look at this."

Aleksander slides a drawing over to you and you look at it. The stag. Morozova's stag.

"That's why you want to go look for it?" You look back up at him.

"Yes. For you."

His hand raises and caresses your cheek softly. His lips curls into a smile as you lean into his touch. Every day you were getting closer to him, and he was elated.

"I can't say I'm happy about the way you're forcing her to leave her past behind, but if it's going to help us, then do what you just... just don't hurt her," you say.

"I have no intention of bringing her harm."

You just nod softly and gaze back down at the drawing. It was very detailed.

"Apparently, Alina has dreamt of the stag. I fear it's calling out to her, but she doesn't know if it's real or not. I want you to have the amplifier. Only you."

You gaze back at him.

"I want to accept it," you say. "If there is a chance it can help me, I want it. For you."

His smile lit up the room. It made your heart race as you looked at it. Aleksander was so handsome when he smiled.

Is this what your past was like?

He said you knew each other, but never stated how. Is this how you felt about him back then?

You hoped so.

"I have one more thing I would like to discuss with you," he said, speaking softly. He was enjoying having you this close to him.

"Oh?"

"For the Winter Fete, I want to you to wear a special kefta."

"A special kefta?" You gaze at him curiously.

"Yes. Would you be willing to west my colour?"

You stare wide eyed at him, lips parted, mind in shock. He's the only Grisha who wear black. The only one.

"You... you want me to wear your colour?"

"I would be most happy of you did," he grinned. "I have a special design in mind, but I wanted to hear your opinion. You would stand out quite vividly among the others. Another reason I want you to attend the presentation with the others."

"Are you sure that's alright? Won't everyone know you regard me at a higher status than others?" You sounded so unsure, so confused.

"I want them to know you're special. That you're..." mine, "... important to me."

"Kirigan, I would be honoured to wear your colour for the fete."

His smile couldn't possibly grow anymore. Another urge to kiss you crept up, but he resisted.

He has to resist.

Not yet.

You reach for his hand and squeeze it. He squeezes back. It was hard to deny that you were falling in love with this man, but you just needed a little more time to work yourself out.

He would wait for you, like you had been doing for him.

Things would right. He was certain of it.

When you leave the room, everything that had happened within remains under lock and key. You will not discuss any of it with anyone.

While Kirigan went to commission your kefta, you headed outside to train.

Baghra had requested you.

You make your way to her hut and enter, feeling unimpressed with the look she was giving you.

"You have been with him again," she states.

"Maybe," you reply, wanting to test her patience.

She narrowed her gaze at you.

"I warned you."

"I know."

"You should listen to me, not him. You'll only end up in danger, possibly killed, if you stay by him."

You glare at her.

"You're quite persistent," you comment.

"Of course I am. Someone had to be. Now, let's see how far you have come along."

You showed her all you could do. Each time you came here you pretend her both bigger and better examples of your capabilities.

What she hadn't told you was that she was waiting for the day you would call upon the shadows like you used to.

Like he showed you back then.

Perhaps, if you never got those abilities back, there was hope. Her mentoring with both you and Alina was a plot against Aleksander.

None of you knew it yet.

When you were done, she didn't look very pleased. She excused you immediately.

You left, not wanting to stick around anyway, but with the thought that she was being odd. Maybe you should mention it to Kirigan?

Sven up ahead shook your from your thoughts. You ran to catch up to him.

"Sven!"

He turned and smiled at you.

"Ah! Have you been training with the old hag?" He asked, grinning.

"Sven, don't call her that out loud! She can be rather scary."

He laughed and flung his arm around your shoulder.

"She does not scare me. Are you hungry?"

"Famished."

"Let's go eat."

As you walked back inside the Little Palace with Sven, you didn't notice Baghra watching from the shadows, who in turn didn't notice Aleksander watching her.

@luciadiosa @fablesrose @mischief-siriusly-managed @aleksanderwh0r3 @charistory @messrsmoonee @edithsvoice @carlywhomever @ladyslytherclaw

[suki-schiffer]

Thoughts on Rule of Wolves

A compilation of my raw initial thoughts and feelings after reading Rule of Wolves by Leigh Bardugo, sequel to King of Scars, seventh book in the Grishaverse. I just finished reading Rule of Wolves (RoW) yesterday and wanted to get some of my unaltered thoughts and feelings on paper before they become influenced by rereads and by being exposed to others’ opinions. There’s little rhyme or reason to this, it jumps all over the place, I’m not taking the time to check spellings etc. also, spoilers.

I am probably evaluating all the Grishaverse (GV) books a little too harshly because I can’t help but compare them to the Six of Crows (SoC) series which were the first books from the GV that I read. The whole reason I picked up King of Scars (KoS) last year was because I wanted more of that joy I got from SoC, only when I started reading KoS did I realize that the GV books aren’t just set in the same universe but have intertwining plots and characters at which point I realized I’d ruined the Shadow and Bone (S&B) series for myself but I did go back and read that too even though it definitely would not have been something I would have picked up if it had no connection to the other books. The S&B series wasn’t bad, it just wasn’t my cup of tea, as it truly was a YA series with characters that were pretty one dimensional being driven by pure motives down a predictable plot. Many of these characters make a reappearance in KoS and RoW and while they have a bit more dimension to them now they are still too pure, too perfect, and my feelings about them from previous series still stuck.

I don’t like Zoya. I didn’t like her when I first read about her is SoC and I really hated her after reading S&B. Those feelings were hard to cast off when she becomes a slightly better person in KoS/RoW but the entire time I couldn’t help but think she was undeserving not just of being a main character but of being a member of the Grisha Triumvirate, of being Nikolai’s love interest, of that ridiculous amount of power, and of becoming Ravka’s queen. I felt like her “backstory” was rather forced to try to make us like her more. Like oh, how sweet, she has a secret garden with a plant for everyone she’s lost. She still came off as a bitch. I honestly still don’t know what drives her. In S&B first it’s her desire for power and beauty and the Darkling’s attentions then when her aunt is killed she joins Alina maybe for revenge? But other than Alina asking for her to be part of the Triumvirate I didn’t really know why she was in that role don’t know how or why she agreed to become Nikolai’s general, because she loved him? Or perhaps it’s because she’s still just power hungry wanting to lead the Grisha, wanting to lead the army, wanting to lead the nation?

Disregarding my feelings for Zoya, her power increase in KoS and RoW is ridiculous. How is it that she is the only Grisha (save perhaps the now dead saints) who can break down matter small enough to draw power from every order? You’re telling me that this girl manages to do this after a few weeks with Juris but people like Baghra or the Darkling who are hundreds of years old and significantly stronger and were actively trying to strengthen themselves couldn’t do this? Ilya Morozova, the Darkling’s grandfather, did all kinds of experiments, dabbling in merzost, how is it the Darkling, in all the years he spent waiting for a sun summoner, not at least dabble in the other orders in attempt to summon sun himself? If you were to rank characters by power on a scale of one to ten I would have said the Darkling was a ten but Zoya blows that scale out of the water when she becomes the dragon, a character this powerful just feels wrong. Not to mention she didn’t even really work for this power, she trains with Juris for a bit in the Fold and then makes his scales into fetters, there was no years of study and practice or meditation, no struggle, just bam! Power.

So yes, still don’t like Zoya and I think her character arc, if you will, decreased the quality of the book.

Again, I’m comparing things to SoC but in comparison RoW was rather predictable. There were definitely a few twists I didn’t see coming and a few questions that were left unanswered but with SoC I was constantly guessing at what would go wrong, what the new plan was, I was constantly on my toes. That constant guessing kept me interested, by comparison I was at times bored with this book, if I put a book down (mid-chapter even!) to scroll through Tumblr or watch Youtube videos or do something else for the sake of enjoyment before finishing that book that’s a sign it isn’t all that interesting, and that’s what I was doing with RoW.

It was just too predictable. Like oh no, the Darkling tricked you into meeting Alina and Mal, got his power back, and fled, who’d’ave guessed it? What’s this? Hanne ended up getting too much attention and might be forced to marry the prince, Rasmus, of Fjerda because of it? Ehri’s guards make another attempt on her life? Nikolai weasels his way out of marrying Ehri because his true love is Zoya, no way! Joran, this young Druskelle who is for some reason being punished by having to be Rasmus’ guard is the one who killed Matthias? Oh and why is guarding Rasmus a punishment when he could be the hope of getting Fjerda to end the war? Because he’s an abusive shit who hates feeling weak so he tries to make others feel weaker, didn’t see that one coming, nope, definitely not.

Now for a few of the things that surprised or confused me that I’m still sort of confused about. Let’s start near the beginning with the Fold suddenly, not so much as expanding as just, appearing in different places all over the world with seemingly no rhyme or reason. I didn’t really get how a pocket dimension existed within the Fold in the first place or how the saints got trapped in it but apparently breaking out of it allowed the Fold to take on a will of its own whereas it had previously been stable for hundreds of years. Also the Darkling not having any powers after leaving the Fold was confusing, I shouldn’t necessarily say “any” because he seemed to have been able to make subtle changes to Yuri’s body to make it look more like his own but I didn’t understand how his power could seemingly enter his body granting him control and consciousness but then he not have any power until he gets Mal and Alina’s blood (also wasn’t clear what he did with the blood, did he just have to touch it, did he stab all three of their hands so the blood mingled?). This just sort of felt unnecessary and that it was just a means to pull Alina et al back into the story.

In KoS it was implied that the use and existence of Jurda Parem was the reason Nikolai’s monster came back and the saints now had enough power to create miracles to entice them to the Fold and draw them into the pocket world, this theory is never mentioned again. Can you tell I’m just really confused about everything related to that pocket world?

Speaking of that interaction with Alina and co I was honestly hoping Yuri might have a bit more of a role in the story. Yuri had seemed sort of willing to let the Darkling use him as a vessel and Nikolai discovering he was still in there with the “there’s something in your beard” line didn’t clue me into the fact that there could be more to this because I assumed he was still on the Darkling’s side. But then he tries to warn Alina of what he’s about to do and I thought, oh, maybe he has second thoughts, maybe there’s going to be a fight now for control of the body and Yuri might be able to stop the Darkling from doing something sinister by fighting back at the right moment. Alas, he goes back to singing the Darkling praises. I get that Yuri is a bad guy but I still kind of felt bad for him, not enough to care about his wellbeing, at least not until the very end because as far as I’m aware Yuri was still in his body with the Darkling when the Darkling decided to have a bit of a redemption arc by condemning himself to an eternity of pain to close the Fold and keep it closed. As far as I’m concerned the Darkling deserves that fate, Yuri doesn’t.

Speaking of the Darkling taking control of another’s body another thing I was left wondering about happened in one of Nina’s earlier chapters when the new Wellmother from the convent Nina and Hanne had been at arrives at the Ice Court to accuse Hanne of worshipping the Saints instead of Djel. At the end of this chapter the Wellmother’s eyes are described as slate grey, I’ve only ever heard the Darkling’s eyes be described that way. I really thought that the Darkling was just pretending to be powerless and had actually developed a new power of taking over other’s bodies and he was just biding time by gathering intel and causing chaos this way, I thought this might have also been how he was creating the mini-Folds all over the world (look I know they had a Ravkan name that roughly translated to vampire but I’m not going back into the book to find the spelling and calling them vampires just... no). I was so concerned for Nina, here this woman is claiming to actually be part of the Ravkan spy network and that Nikolai needs her to get close to Demidov Lantsov. This order made no sense because Nikolai knew he wasn’t a Lantsov and the existence of another Lantsov doesn’t mean much, as long as the people think Nikolai is the legitimate son of the former king and queen then he outranks every other individual with Lantsov blood in terms of succession. Also if this were a legitimate request it seems like there would have been much easier and safer ways to communicate this than have someone come from across the country making false claims against Hanne that could put her under suspicion thus limiting Nina’s ability to move. I thought this was therefore some sort of trap to expose Nina, and potentially Hanne, and the fact that nothing came of it left me confused. We never see this Wellmother character again, Nina does not get exposed, when we get the Darkling’s POV in the second part of the book he mentions nothing of this encounter nor is it suggested that he actually has such a power.

I then thought perhaps if the Darkling survived and was now in Yuri’s body perhaps this was his mother, Baghra, come back to life as well. Then we get thrown a random line during one of the Darkling’s chapters where he mentions the existence of a half-sister that was also declared a saint that I don’t recall hearing about before this instance, in fact I’m pretty sure Baghra said something in the Spinning Wheel about only having one child because she didn’t want a repeat of what happened to her and her sister and that she didn’t even remember who Aleksander’s father was so if the Darkling knows of this half-sister we would assume it’s Baghra’s child. Apparently though this sister was referenced in the only GV book I haven’t read being Language of Thorns (just a side note RoW is said to be the seventh book in GV but if you include The Lives of Saints and The Language of Thorns it is actually the ninth). I could be wrong, maybe Baghra never said anything about her son being her only child, or maybe this is another case of Bardugo altering things between series. She did this with Nina’s backstory because in SoC when Matthias talks about courting her properly and having dinner with her family she said that she hadn’t seen them in years since she went to the Little Palace but in KoS and RoW she’s an orphan who grew up in an orphanage and doesn’t remember her parents. Point being, after that line I thought the Wellmother might have been the Darkling’s half-sister since she had claimed to have been a spy in Fjerda for thirteen years which would mean she’d been there since before the events of S&B, if that is true then it likely couldn’t be Baghra. I’m still hung up on this character though, for all the reasons outlined, yet the KoS series is over and she only made one appearance so maybe she just was a spy with slate grey eyes.

As mentioned previously I knew Nikolai wasn’t going to marry Ehri but I didn’t realize Genya and David were going to be the ones getting married, or maybe “renewal of vows” would be a better term. I’m perfectly content to have this come out of the blue, predictable can be boring, but then it started getting weird. I had just assumed previously that Genya and David had been married sometime between the end of the S&B series and the start of KoS as that’s when they start being referred to husband and wife (same with Nadia and Tamar) and I had no reason to believe it wasn’t the wedding they wanted. Then there’s mentions of them having a hasty wedding in Ketterdam and this just felt like yet another attempt to placate and garner hope in readers by referencing SoC. As far as I know David wasn’t in Ketterdam during the SoC series, he was the only one who stayed in Ravka, even if he was there and just wasn’t “on screen” I don’t understand why they would choose to get married then and there. And if not during the events of SoC then when? What reason did they have to both be in Ketterdam outside of the events of SoC and decide they couldn’t wait to have a proper wedding in Ravka? I was angry at this point because a similar thing was done in KoS where lines about SoC kept getting dropped and getting my hopes up that the other crows would make an appearance and they didn’t.

But back to the wedding, running off to his workshop because he had an idea during his own wedding is totally in character for David. Him dying was just evil. Didn't even cross my mind that this was a possibility, one minute we go from Genya digging through the rubble in her wedding dress saying she can’t find him then we are at his funeral. I thought he might have been gravely injured, unconscious for a long period of time, and that he’d had an idea for an invention that would help them win the war and he’d save the day by waking up in time or something. But no. My favourite character from S&B was killed off, just like that. And it was impactful, it made me cry, the fact they had found him pen in hand, fingers stained with ink, in his wedding clothes, the fact that in his notebook he has notes about how to woo Genya and she wants him to have it in death. Beautifully written, definitely salty about it. At this point in time I don’t really see how his death furthered the plot but death in real life is like that to, it’s unexpected, without reason, sudden. And perhaps, like Matthias’ death in SoC, it will be used to later start a new plot for a new story.

Now two paragraphs ago I was lamenting the fact that the mention of Ketterdam felt forced and had the intent of fooling the readers into having hopes the other SoC cast would return but then they keep hinting at it, they talk about contacting Kaz, about travelling to Ketterdam and I’m sitting there thinking please, please, please actually have Kaz meet them, don’t just be letters or some other minor Dregs sent in his place. (!!!! <- there are no words for my excitement!)

I made an audible screech when Nikolai gave money to the beggar because I knew that was Kaz in disguise. I was so pleased to hear that it sounds like Pekka did not return to the Barrel and that Kaz bought the Emerald Palace and expanded the Crow Club. I was slightly disappointed that Inej wasn’t trailing Nikolai and Zoya too or that she wasn’t meeting with them in the Crow Club probably mainly because I just wanted to see her again but there was also a sadness that it sounds like she did decide to walk a different path than Kaz. The fact that Nina had, earlier in RoW, talked about how she hoped for Inej’s sake Kaz had fixed his hair cut by now, contributed to this because obviously she thinks they stayed together. Maybe they are together in a way but long distance relationships without any suggestion of communication technology must be hard, especially when Kaz could be taken out by another Barrel boss or Inej’s ship blown up by pirates (or the Kerch as was implied by Nikolai) and the other might not ever know of their fate and certainly wouldn’t be there to save them, so I feel that due to this they wouldn’t actively be in a relationship. However, I am proud that Inej put her dreams before Kaz’s she could have given up those dreams to stay at his side and continue to be his spider, after all, that’s what he had asked her to do he wanted her and he wanted her to stay, in the Dregs, with him. Wasn’t too thrilled that she’s used as a sort of damsel in distress. Help us Mister Brekker and in exchange I’ll give you a device that acts as an early warning system against the submarines I gave the Kerch (yes they have a different name that starts with an i and there’s a z and y and m in there somewhere but instead of me trying to spell it lets call them what they are, subs) because the Wraith will be blown up otherwise as she won’t be able to get away in time.

I don’t know if it was because this part of the story was written better or if it was just because I like these characters so much more (my darling baby boys!) but I felt like the story finally developed momentum here that it was lacking previously. I love that Wylan and Jesper are living together with Wylan’s mother and acting like an old married couple. I also like that Wylan is trying to keep Jesper away from illegal activities but is also clearly continuing to work on chemistry projects and likely explosives and that Jesper’s love of Barrel flash hasn’t been quashed, Zoya actually even compliments it in her head. I also love how, as soon as Wylan hears this illegal act can help Inej, all restraint is thrown out the window. Kaz was able to pull off so many tricks in such a short time too, I love it. First dressing as a beggar, then pretending the operation will be more difficult than it is in order to drive the price up, then pretending that due to changes in how the goods are being stored at the military base they couldn’t carry out the operation with such a small crew, meanwhile he knew the Suli were there and would connect with Zoya and show them the “backdoor” to the base. Now I completely understand how Ketterdam was built on slavery or, as they like to call it, indentures, so I can see how Suli would have built the place, I imagine some of the Suli are still in Ketterdam, why they returned to the military base that night I don’t know. Also the fact they were all wearing jackal masks, something Inej said is reserved only for holy men, Suli seers, and wearing one was akin to sacrilege if you were not a seer, implies that all these people were the rare seers which seemed a bit unlikely. The fact that Zoya has this encounter and an earlier one made me think that maybe the Suli would play a larger role in RoW than what they end up doing (because this is the last we see of them, they don’t come to fight the battles, they don’t impart secret knowledge to help Ravka win the war, Zoya doesn’t find her father or her uncles or decide to learn more about her Suli heritage).

I was very disappointed with how quickly we leave Ketterdam, Kaz, Wylan, and Jesper. I suppose we do the same thing with Alina and co at the sanatorium where there is no proper goodbye. In one chapter we finish the job/plot point and in the next the main characters have left. At the end of the day I suppose I was just glad we actually had a few scenes with the crows and not just hints, was definitely the most surprising part of the book.

The crows were a positive surprise Nina and Hanne getting together was more of a negative one for me. It was hinted at in KoS but Nina has also been said to have made eyes at a pair of shoes so I had hoped the relationship wouldn’t grow beyond flirting, I feel it just diminishes what Nina and Matthias had. She also doesn’t seem to feel any remorse for moving on so quickly and even though she’s still thinking about him, about her promise to save some mercy for his people and country, and trying to fulfill her promises, she’s also forsaking him by getting together with Hanne.

That being said I, like Nina, really did believe Rasmus had killed Hanne near the end of RoW and while I hadn’t wanted them to be together the damage to the relationship Nina and Matthias had was done and I was thinking “really, you’re going to do this to my girl Nina twice, take away the person she loves, twice, for no good reason?” So that was a surprise and I was glad that Hanne did survive but I really don’t see how she could live as Rasmus and even if she could pull it off I don’t see the Fjerdan people, military, or royalty permitting a prince to marry Mila, a widowed fishwife. Nina was saying something about using her power to get the answers from the dead which I thought was a very weird development for her powers in the first place. In KoS when Nina said that she was hearing the voices of the dead I thought it was more about she was sensing a mass grave and could tell that the bodies were women and the death unnatural. Near the end of KoS I thought perhaps there were some memories left in the brains that she could access, names and how they died. But in RoW Nina is able to reach out to the dead, identify the queen’s best friend and lady-in-waiting and ask her questions and get answers and implies she can do this with Rasmus as well. There are a lot of logistic fallacies with this. One, it implies that people don’t go to the Saints or to Djel or to any kind of afterlife when they die but that they stick around their corpses. It also implies that Nina can probably override their free will, the women and girls at the factory had “called” to her, I doubt Rasmus and the lady-in-waiting would want to share everything so freely. Finally, if Nina can communicate with the dead then how come Matthias’ voice that she heard in the beginning of KoS was just her imagination and not really him? This could also make Nina incredibly powerful, no need to torture or bribe secrets out of someone or try to steal top secret documents, just kill them with a bone dart and demand answers of their ghost.

In regards to Nina’s power I am disappointed with how little she used it in RoW. With the exception of speaking to the dead I believe she briefly controlled two of the newly dead Priest Guard to restrain the Apparat for all of maybe thirty seconds and that was it for the entire book. While Nina has always done undercover work or subterfuge, pretending to be native to find Grisha in hiding, sneaking into the Ice Court pretending to be part of the Menagerie, pretending to be Mila the translator for Leoni and Adrik, she has always come off as a warrior to me so to not see her fight at all in RoW seemed a bit out of character. There was opportunity but it wasn't seized and honestly it left me wondering what Nina actually really accomplished during RoW, she didn't free Nikolai's true father, she didn't free any Grisha or destroy Fjerda's parem or find labs and holding facilities, she didn't help win any battles, didn't actually manage to dissuade Rasmus from war. Zoya took her from the Leviathan, flew her all the way to the frontlines of the north where there was death aplenty, and then flew her all the way back without her ever doing more than cling to Zoya’s back. Surely she could have raised some of the dead just to drive the point home, no?

The one thing I did like about the final battle was that we finally got to see the Darkling be less than perfect, a theme that sort of carried through the book. He started off with no power, mind you his scheme to get it back went off without a hitch, but then he was pretty much on the run having to trade manual labour for food. Yet he had this plan and I had no reason to believe it wouldn’t work out for him, that he’d go to the frontlines, preform a miracle saving Nikolai and Ravka, and manage to get himself declared a saint for his troubles. Instead we see him just as affected by the disk bells as everyone else, we see him try to summon shadow, try to summon nichyvoya (I acknowledge that’s spelled incorrectly, I can’t be bothered to find the correct spelling) and he can’t. I thought it was glorious.

While the Darkling did end up doing some good in RoW, helping Nikolai’s monster stay alive long enough to destroy the disk bells, shutting up the Apparat (why isn’t he dead, his character is a harbinger of bad things to come and he’s a creep, how did Zoya not kill him?) in order to give Zoya a better chance of getting the throne, and finally sacrificing himself to the Thornwood to undo the damage he let loose on the world with the creation of the Fold, I didn’t feel as though he had redeemed himself and for this I was glad. There are all kinds of evil characters in GV and the Darkling likes to pretend that his reasons are pure, that he’s protecting and strengthening the Grisha, but he is a mass murderer seemingly without empathy, he happily manipulates people to get his way, puts Genya, who at the time could be considered a child, into the king’s path, then later mutilates her as punishment for letting Alina get away, all for the sake of his own cause. In the GV I hated Van Eck and Brum and Heleen much more than the Darkling, but I do think he’s the most evil of them all, in part because his unnaturally long life has meant he’s been committing evils for centuries. I’m glad that it sounds like this is the end for his character and that while in the next series Zoya wants to free him from his eternity of agony that freedom will come in the form of death.

Speaking of the potential plot of the next series, I can’t believe that without even doing any research they are able to come to the conclusion that a “heart strong enough” is the heart of Saint Feliks and they intend to send Kaz after this, what if they’re wrong? Also, they finally bring Inej into the story for Zoya’s coronation, don't know what reason she had for being there. But then we’re done dirty because Inej doesn’t get to meet Alina although she catches sight of her, and they are ready to send Inej back to Kaz with a message about finding this saint’s heart but she’s already left so they’re just going to use a plain old flyer instead! You could have at least sent our darling Inej, treasure of our hearts, back to do Kaz the honour of acquiring him a new heart. But no, brief meaningless appearance and she’s gone.

Unfortunately, it seems there was a lot of things I was displeased with in RoW. I think overall the main problem the RoW (and KoS) is that it just became too big, the characters became indistinct because they grew out of character, there were too many references to past stories and characters in attempt to please readers rather than for the sake of the story, there were too many characters and plots to keep track of in general, and due to all this I couldn’t remain suspended in disbelief. I approach this as someone who entered the GV through SoC, I picked up SoC because the story was interesting, I picked up KoS and S&B because they were set in the same universe as SoC not because I particularly wanted to read those series. I had thought I could be interested in KoS on its own because it is more complicated than a typical YA novel and Nina is one of the main characters but now having finished RoW I have to say that if the GV really was just a collection of stories set in the same universe but with no intersecting of series I would have never have read this one. Will I go back and read KoS and RoW again? Yes, of course. Will I sometimes pretend that it never existed when I reread SoC? Yes, of course. But I do think the wait and the hype was worth it even if just for the few chapters with the Dregs again, because let’s face it, that’s what I personally was waiting for.

So I wrote this as a Word document over the span of three days and it’s now over 5000 words long, completely unedited, no order, probably reads like chaos. I want to see if and how my opinion changes over time but I’ve decided to post this because I like reading and watching others react to things I like so maybe someone else out there is like me and will find this and get some enjoyment from this.

[ichabodcranemills]

re: D*rklina

@musical-chick-13 I’m putting this under a read more, because I have additions and, yes, it is long 😂

So, as far as I can tell from what show-watchers have told me, yes, he is definitely worse in the books. And specifically, the general idea in said books seems to be that just because someone is charismatic and attractive and “gets” parts of you doesn’t mean that they’re a good partner or even worth your time, which is a message I have waited FOREVER to see. Beauty (and to a lesser extent, magnetism) does not equal goodness. The Dark/ling (I have no idea if the names will show up in the tags so I’ll put slashes in the middle of them, wow this website’s features need revamping) always seemed…very entitled to Al/ina. There wasn’t any desire for them to become equals (even in a moral sense by dragging her down to his moral level or raising himself up to hers). His behavior and pursuit of her seems much more motivated by the idea of being able to congratulate himself on the fact that he’s “won” her. She’s more of like…a conquest to him? And maybe that’s a huge misread of his character on my part, but the Leigh, the author, HAS said in the past that some of the Dark/ling’s dialogue and actions were written as a way for her to make sense of and deal with an irl toxic relationship she was in during part of the writing period, so I…don’t think it’s a completely unreasonable interpretation? And that’s not to say that power imbalance ships should Never Be Shipped (because they can be genuinely compelling or even fun to watch under the right writer), and Leigh has even said that she Gets The Appeal herself.

But I think the reasons Tho/schei works for me where D*rklina doesn’t are because 1) Tho/schei have genuinely known each other for a long time (and even been on good terms for some of it) but the Dark/ling decides, despite being this all-powerful charismatic force who is hundreds of years old, to get pettily involved in a teenage love triangle in very little time which is a choice that makes absolutely no sense to me at all, 2) The Doctor is an extremely morally grey character, in a way that if they aren’t careful could easily match the destructiveness of The Master. They both are aware of this, and both of them believe themselves (in their own ways) to be “above” morality (The Doctor in the sense of “I know what’s best and my choices are law” and The Master in the sense of “My choices are law and I deserve to cause destruction and have complete control”. There are…not equal, but similar enough levels of moral ambiguity that it makes sense to me that they still Get™ each other. The Doctor also likes Intellectual Challenges and Foiling Grand Plots, to the point where it’s often the Most Important Thing, and The Master not only provides those, but enjoys the conflict as well, and 3) They actually are close to being equals. They’re both very smart, powerful, immortal. Obviously The Doctor has Much More Life Experience and a more extraordinary legacy because of the Timeless Child thing, but Missy’s primary goal was simply “I want my friend back” and Dhawan!Master freaked out because it was impossible to see them as equals anymore. The Doctor, as per Twelve, wants the Master to be good because they’re alike in a way no one else in either of their lives are. They kind of…want the same thing but in different ways, whereas The Dark/ling, while understanding The Burden Of Power, doesn’t actually want the same thing Al/ina does.

And that relationship between D*rklina could still make for a fascinating dynamic, and one that in another life I might even be into myself if not for the whole “reducing it to Good Girl Saves Bad Boy” trope that I keep seeing within a good deal of the fandom. Not that a general fandom reaction or misread should prevent anyone from enjoying something, but I’m so tired that it’s nearly impossible for me to separate them at this point, lol. Ultimately it boils down to the fact that they seem like such fundamentally different people that I don’t personally see how they could ever truly find common ground or genuinely appreciate their similarities. I think the most interesting exploration of a romantic bent to their dynamic would be in a context  where they are so different and recognize that they’re so different, and they might want to focus on their similarities, but it’s not enough. There could be this undeniable pull between them, but what does that really mean when held up against who they are and how they choose to interact with the world? And then having to deal with the necessary antagonism that results. I guess I see the existence of this ship as like…more of a thought exercise than anything I would ever want to happen in any way other than a one-sided attraction on his part, or that could ever truly be narratively justified. But also like…I hate him, so that makes it kind of hard for me to want to explore it in any way at all. Which that’s a personal thing. Other people like this character, and I’m genuinely happy for them that they can see something I don’t.

UGH, I’m sorry this got so long. This is what happens when I have an urge to Share my Thoughts.

I totally understand your feelings and I think the show did a good job on not only humanizing the D*rkling, but also making the relationship more palatable. I, mean, I’m sure we can partially blame Mr. Barnes’ soulful eyes, but I definitely got the impression that, while the D*rkling wants to use Alina for his own gains, he is very drawn to her as THE Sun Summoner, as in “we are linked and will inevitably be the only one for the other”, he basically tells Mal as much.

And I don’t blame you for losing interest in them because of the fandom, it can be very frustrating, especially if one of the characters didn’t appeal to you in the first place (I mean, I’ve been there, hello R*ylo, lmao)

I think I get what you’re saying about how this works out in the books and how what draws me to D*rklina isn’t necessarily textual. And I think I might have went in a little biased when I watched the show, because, before I did, a friend told me she was getting Thoschei vibes from it, but didn’t especify where, So I watched and there it was: M*lina… okay, school best friends, us against the world, but in general, eh, they were too “perfect” (as in, no real conflict between them). And then D*rklina with everything I said on my original post. I mean, I was looking for a thoschei-like dynamic and I found one 😂.

I’ve read some spoilers for the book, so I know my whole “200 years later” fantasy doesn’t happen, so I agree with you, this ship is more of a thought exercise. But I think the show sets it up in a way that is Just My Thing, whereas the book is more straightforward with how incompatible these two are, romantically. But the fandom will ship away, even in kinda blergh ways, it’s how it is 🤷

[something-tofightfor]

I feel like you'll like shadow and bone more than you think, if the genre is your thing at least. The books it's based off are okay. (The crows books are much better)

Are you going to watch it anyways? (the cast seems excited about it which at least tempts me and they've aged up the characters so its not technically a bunch of teenagers running around causing trouble)

I read the first book, and had to force myself through it. 

There was no dimension to any of the characters - The Darkling included. Alina was insufferable, and I am WAY too far removed from teenage angst to even begin to identify with her in any way. Leigh had a lot of really good ideas with the world building, but I feel like when she wrote this series, she wasn’t ... interested? in taking the time to fully flesh them out, and it’s really apparent.  I don’t like the age gap (even implied, based only on the age of Ben’s character in relation to the others no matter what they do). I don’t like the power imbalance. I don’t like the fandom as a whole. I don’t like the way the author wrote the story. 

I’ve said it before - it’s not for me, and that’s fine. I also understand from what I’ve seen from Twitter and Reddit when it comes to screener information/responses that there’s absolutely no reason that it should have such a high maturity rating ... and I am truly not in the mood for another Netflix attempt at a YA adaptation that is meant to be watched by all ages but gets rated higher just to try and draw in the adults.  I haven’t read the Crows books, even though I’ve heard that they’re much better. I did read and love Ninth House, and am excited to see what Amazon does with it.  I really don’t know if I’ll watch it. Ben looks amazing, and I’m really interested in Archie (plus I think Julian Kostov is GORGEOUS)  ... but is that enough? Not this weekend. (for a lot of reasons)

The overwhelmingly positive responses - and the fact that Netflix is now all of a sudden promoting the SHIT out of it after keeping everything secret for so long is very suspicious to me - they’re trying very hard, which makes sense because they want it to be a success ... but it seems very forced, whereas the promo for other things like Stranger Things and Bridgerton and The Witcher did not.  

And with this huge budget they had, I truly haven’t been impressed with what I’ve seen so far of the special effects or the wardrobe. (I was really disappointed with some of the Witcher costumes, too, so maybe it’s a Netflix thing). All of the green and heavy tinting and super edited images that they’ve been releasing just confuse me, and I think that most of the edits and manipulations and fan trailers and all that have looked TONS better. 

ALSO THE SPURS ON BEN’S BOOTS ARE FUCKING STUPID. THERE I SAID IT.  What kills me is that this could be the absolute WORST adaptation of anything to exist, and all of the fans wouldn’t ever admit it, and instead they’d find the tiniest little details to focus on. I get waiting for something for what seems like forever, but just because you’re looking forward to it, that doesn’t mean that you need to pretend like it’s perfect. (Read: Punisher season 2 being a whole ass miss, Westworld season 3 being a letdown in MANY ways, and it taking 3 years for my friend Cory to finally admit that Reputation by Taylor Swift was not as good as everyone claims it is) 

I’m picky, and I know it. I hope people enjoy it, but I also hope that they’re realistic about it. I guess we’ll see since the review embargo lifts today, and we’ll get some real responses. 

[katherinewilliams221b]

Together

Pairing: Charlie Weasley x mc

Part 2 of The World Cup. (Necessary to know original characters that appear here.) A small conversation in the dark.

After the Death Eaters attacked the camp, and taking care of Charlie’s injury, Kate felt lost.

Somehow, she mustered up the courage to stand up and leave Charlie at the tent. Clutching her wand tightly, she advanced through the rubble toward the medical tent. Hopefully she would find her backpack. Everything around her was destroyed. As she walked she realized that she was in the same pitiful state as her surroundings, covered in ash and dirt.

 The place that was once used to store medical material was burnt. Kate saw Florin rummaging through the rubble. "You’re fine?". Florin, startled, took a posture of attack and pointed his wand at Kate. "It’s me!" she shouted raising her arms. Florin resumed his work and Kate lowered her head to inspect the floor. "We won’t find anything useful here." Florin responded with a grunt. Kate touched her necklace and walked to the wreckage of the store. She saw her backpack under a burnt cloth and crouched down to pick it up. Her uniform was scorched but usable and her notebooks had been reduced to ashes. She sighed resigned. At least her potion chest was intact.

 Suddenly, Kate and Florin stood up to hear a voice from afar. "There’s someone there?" "Alina?"

"Kate!" Two figures advanced toward them. Vasile was with her. "Quick! There are five people in the forest, injured, one of them is a muggle. Nougal sent us to see if there was anyone left."

"We don’t know where Rahela is…"

"She’s with us. Come on."

Nobody died that night. After curing the group and erasing the memory of the muggle, Kate practically flew back to the Weasleys' tent. " Is everybody all right?" A startled Charlie received her

"Yes. You were the only one left. The rest already went to sleep.”

He caught her in a hug. "Where were you?" Kate hugged him back with the same intensity. "I went to get my things and found my team. We went into the woods, there were wounded people." He closed his eyes and hugged her harder.

 "Let me see the wound, I didn’t even clean it…"

"It’s okay, no scar, you’re just that good." He put his hand on the back of her neck and began to massage it lightly. "I have to change… I’ll put on my uniform dress, I forgot my pyjamas…" she released a forced laughter. Charlie shook his head and held her hand, dragging her to his bunk. Without saying anything, he checked that the boys were asleep and began unbuttoning her blouse.

"Charlie…" Kate warned, looking around, nervous. He just shook his head again and continued his task. Delicate fingers caressed the exposed skin. Kate raised one hand and touched Charlie’s frown with one finger, causing him to look up. His expression relaxed slightly. He slid her shirt over her shoulders, the bra now exposed.

Charlie looked back again and changed his position, completely covering her body. Years of practice helped him get rid of the bra and she quickly covered herself with her arms. He reached to her side and helped her put on his pyjama shirt. One side of his mouth curved up in half a smile as she was swallowed by the piece of clothing.

He sat on the bed and slowly unbuttoned her pants. Kate knew that it relaxed him to take care of her and, even if she was perfectly capable of changing her clothes, she always let him do it if he wanted. With her feet she finished taking off her pants and grabbed both sides of Charlie’s face to give him a long kiss. "Thank you." she whispered.

Once settled under the blankets, Charlie’s arm pillowed her head and he hugged her body against his chest. She started playing with the soft hairs there.

“Charlie” she muttered “the candle…” she said amused. Charlie grunted and without letting her go, he turned his head and blew on the flame on his bedside table, leaving the place almost in complete darkness. It was vaguely illuminated by the light from outside.

Something soft touched Charlie’s face and he reached out to put the intrepid strand of hair behind her ear, caressing the side of her face.

“What do you want to do tomorrow?” she asked.

“Go home”

“But…Romania?” Charlie sighed. “No, actually I was thinking about staying at the Burrow for a day or two. To be with mom.” Kate nodded. “You can go back, though. Nougal will want you at the hospital as soon as possible and you need rest.”

Kate frowned and started drawing invisible figures on his back with her fingers. “I want to be with you…” Charlie squeezed her lightly and placed his lips on her forehead, staying there.

“Besides, I’d like to talk with Tonks about…today.”

“Do you think she’ll be able to tell you anything? The aurors must know something already.”

“I don’t know.”

They abruptly stopped talking at the sound of one of the beds squeaking. Percy had rolled over.

Kate slid her hand down Charlie’s back and then up, caressing his bare shoulder and feeling his muscles before going down again finally resting on his hip. His eyes, now used to the darkness, could see the silhouette of her lips and without containing himself he leaned in to kiss them. She inhaled sharply.

“Do you think He is back?” she asked after pulling back. “I don’t know. But we can’t scratch the idea yet.”

They fell silent again, this time for a longer while. Kate concentrated on her breathing and started to fall asleep when she heard Charlie whisper again.

“You casted lumos with your mouth earlier…” his tone amused and yet impressed. “Hmm?”

“Yes, before, when you where healing my wound after the explosion. I saw you lightening the wand and then you put it in your mouth and it was still shining.”

“Oh…I’m not really sure how I managed to do that. I was concentrated in you and…I don’t think I could do that again if I wanted…”

“Why not? That’s advanced magic and you did that without thinking. You are the smartest witch I know, you can do anything you want.”

Kate smiled but shook her head, placing a kiss on his chest. “Don’t know many witches, huh?

“I mean it. And before you say something about how Nougal won’t promote you to mediwizard let me tell you, Lady, that you are wrong. He is going to give you that job sooner or later because you deserve it.”

“Since when can you read me so well? You can’t even see me right now.”

“It’s a sixth sense. A dragon sense. Makes me extra perceptive around you. Like…like a demiguise-dragon.” Kate couldn’t help but giggle. “Don’t laugh, you should take notes you know? You have to train yourself in the art of it.” Her face fell when she heard the word ‘notes’. She took a deep breath and he looked down, despite not being able to see her. “What?” he asked softly. Kate buried herself more under the covers and against Charlie, who embraced her protectively. “My investigation…I will have to start all over again. It’s completely burnt.” She closed her eyes and let out a resigned huff.

“Why did you bring it here?” When she didn’t answer, Charlie frowned. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to reproach you for it. I was just curious.”

“Listen, I’m…” she sighed “I’m angry at myself, Charlie, not you. I…I shouldn’t have brought the journals, I wanted to talk with other mediwizards, you know…exchange opinions, ideas. Now I’ll have to take samples again, repeat the tests, rewrite everything and…”

“Katie.” He said more sternly than he intended. “You are not going to write you investigation tonight. Or are you?”

“No…” he kissed her hair again. “Then we will worry about it tomorrow.” She knew he was right, as usual, but that didn’t fix things. She buried her head in the crook of his neck and hugged him. “I love you” she murmured, making Charlie smile. “And I love you, snitch.”

Soon, Charlie’s soft snores were the only thing that could be heard inside the tent. The next day would be filled with worries and hard decisions but they would overcome it. Together.

[laughing-at-the-darkness]

Tag Game

I was tagged by @thelittleredwhocould ❤️

What’s your favorite song to sing/hum?

Whatever song is currently haunting me. At the moment Lavender and Velvet by Alina Baraz is battling a single line from Erykah Badu’s Certainly for dominance

What’s your favorite flower/tree/plant?

Catalpa trees. Best climbing trees you’ll ever find, giant heart shaped leaves, white, yellow and purple blooms in the spring that have that gross-intriguing-pleasant scent, long green seed pods that wither to brown in the fall.

Favorite color(s)?

This changes daily and depends on what I’m looking at. In general I gravitate towards deep pink, orange, and purple.

What do you always doodle?

Faces mostly. A lot of badly drawn straight jackets. If I’m taking notes on something boring, I’ll start drawing monsters.

What do you take with your coffee/tea?

Coffee, black.

Favorite candle scent?

Apple

What perfume/cologne do you wear?

I prefer to remain unscented

What’s your go-to dance move when you’re alone?

I dust off my belly dancing moves

Favorite Quote?

Hmm I’ve had this question a lot and I’ve used up all my fancy ones, so I’ll tell you a related story.

My film maker friend and I were talking about our many fails in life and I told her about one of my favorite poems I’d written about a failure of a relationship, and how years later I realized I had used ‘phosphorus’ when I’d meant ‘phosphorescence’. Just layers of fail. Later she made a short film about a failed relationship she’d had that had really crushed her and she named it ‘Phosphorus’. I was honored.

Favorite self-care routine?

Self care isn’t pretty here. I have to force myself to take my breathing meds on time, to set up or take care of what tomorrow-me is going to need rather than just letting current-me fuck off.

Fuzzy socks or house slippers?

Neither

What color are your eyes?

I was someone’s victim model during a beginner makeup class and she searched my eyes in vain to find a bit of any color other than brown so she could find a complementary color to use. Nothing but brown here.

What’s your favorite eye color on others?

I made an excel chart once of all the people I’d ever so much as kissed and the data says I prefer blue eyes, but green is my actual preference. My system is clearly flawed

Favorite season?

I don’t think I have one anymore, but I appreciate different parts of all of them

Cheek, neck or nose kisses?

If it’s a romantic partner kissing me then neck please

What does your happy place look like?

My great-grandma’s garden. It’s gone now and it was small, but epic

Favorite breed of dog?

All of them, but mutts will always have a special place in my heart

Do you want to be married? If so, what colors would you pick for your wedding theme?

I really don’t. If I had to choose I’d go for black and white horizontal stripes for that classic look, or bright orange for a more modern take

Cursive or print?

I typically write in a bastard hybrid

Favorite weather?

Windy. Gotta have air moving. If there’s no wind I feel like I can’t breathe.

Tag! @ghislainem70 @i-even-ship-knives-and-spoons @guardian-of-our-galaxy @astudyinsnoggy @mssmithlove1 @dandy--darling @vexlock -I can’t wait to hear about your wedding colors

[polis-fandom]

The Last Jedi thoughts

It’s been a week and I’m still on the fence with this movie. Everytime I think I’m getting over the disappointment and starting to enjoy what was good there, I come across some review that’s like “THIS IS THE GREATEST STAR WARS MOVIE EVERRRR!!! ABSOLUTELY BREATHTAKING!” and it flares up again. I feel like I’m in the Gombrowicz’s tale, “how is it breathtaking, when it’s not breathtaking?! how is it beautiful, when it’s not beautiful? how is Rian Johnson a great director, when he’s the worst one since George Lucas?”. I need to get away from any discourse about this movie, or I’ll end up hating it. And it doesn’t deserve my hatred, because it’s not really a bad movie.

Bitter Me: *whispers* Luke Skywalker.

Me:

So I’ll just put my feelings here and move on. Under the cut, ‘cause lots of spoilers and overhelming bitterness, tho nothing new, others said all that already, so ignore as you wish.

“Star Wars: A New Hope” was the first movie I watched in cinema. No, I mean the remastered version from 1997, I’m not that old. But, yeah, Star Wars were the movies of my childhood, and are still among my favourite stories ever. After surviving the rocky Prequel Trilogy during my teenage years, I was excited to be brought back to the universe, and while The Force Awakens was redundant as far as the storyline goes, it won me over with the visuals. I made a conscious decision not to get attached to any of the new characters, because I felt there wasn’t enough to know about them. Besides, in the past Luke Skywalker didn’t became my favourite character until the second movie, so I figured I had the time to fall in love with them until I saw more.

Nice Me: Look at this one, he’s played by your favourite actor.

Bitter Me: That one is garbage.

Bitter Me: I’ll just wait to see the whole story. Maybe others will do something extra.

Nice Me: Like what? Blow up the Starkiller Base? Risk their life to save friends? Talk to Darth Vader’s helmet?

Bitter Me: Lose a limb.

(Btw, did you notice the advancement of the medical treatment in Last Jedi? The guy gets slashed through the back and wakes up mere days later just fine, other barely gets a scar…

Bitter Me: at least they are consistent with that.)

So, going in to see the Last Jedi, I had open mind, no expectations for the story, because Star Wars - aka the series that always makes it to the top of the lists of biggest plot twists ever - and I knew nothing besides what was shown in the trailer. And yet, I made one mistake. I saw someone’s tweet about how it’s the best Star Wars movie since the Empire…

Bitter Me: …and then I spent first hour trying to understand, where did this guy saw that greatness, because it just wasn’t there.

I’ve got the biggest gripes with the editing, cinematography, and directing in general. You see, this series, however bad the movies were, they at least were visually stunning. They had certain style and flow - despite all the action, there were always slower scenes, a bit more nostalgic, giving you time to soak up the visuals and feel the emotion. Johnson fails at that repeatedly. The edit at the beging is very rushed, the scenes chopped, and set-up of some could’ve been better. Even Ahch-too, which was amazingly shot in previous film, here becomes a more of clustered and claustrophobic set.

Nice Me: But there are some magnificient shots. The admiral Holdo launching into hyperspace - absolutely beautiful. The pretorian guards fight - one of the best lightsabers fights. The Crait scenes with crystals and everything.  

Bitter Me: which just angers me more, because if he’s capable of pulling of shots like that, why the whole movie isn’t equally beautiful???

Nice Me: But the Leia in vacuum scene starts beautiful too. I’m ecstatic that we finally have an undisputed proof that Leia is not only force sensitive, but she actually mastered the use of it. It would have been really interesting to see more of her in the next movie, might she have become a teacher Rey needs...

Nice Me:…but then the latter half of that scene is shot in such a way, it comes of as silly and utterly dumb. The guy is just bad at showing visions.

Nice Me: Breath. Just breath.

Bitter Me: …that one was horribly edited.

Nice Me: But the scene at dark place at AhchToo was impressive…

Bitter Me: …as a trick shot with no substance that leads to nowhere. He could have used some of that creative visuals for the Force Skype scenes, they were edited in such bland manner…

Nice Me: …you’re complaining about that because it reminded you of Alina and Darkling having identical force bond in Grisha, down to the shirtless scene…

Bitter Me:… as bad as that was, Bardugo at least gave a good explanation of how it was possible.

Nice Me: Snoke did it.

Bitter Me: I recognize the narrative need to create such connection between them, I just think it could have been done in a more artistic way visually.

Bitter Me: Rian is praised for the daring and innovative writing of this movie. And yet the main plot can be summed as: they are evacuating the rebel resistance base, escape - but not far, cause they can’t enter hyperspace, so they sneak into evil ship and try to turn off tracking beam, and then seek hidding on a nearby planet. Yep, I’ve never seen a star wars movie with a plot like that.

Bitter Me: So what’s so daring here? destroying all the symbols of the star wars franchise? Making Luke grumpy and acting against his very core?

Bitter Me: Look, I’m not so much against making Luke a space hobo hermit, who no longer wants to train Jedi, it‘s possible to have such turn after you tried and failed. But I have everything against Luke trying to murder Ben, because he’s too powerful and tempted to the dark side. Luke did everything he could to save his father, who was far deeper on the Dark side. Luke was himself tempted by it, and resisted it. Luke would have done everything to save Ben, but he would not draw a lightsaber on him…

Nice Me: But he says it was a flitting feeling, just a moment of weakness, he regrets deeply…

Bitter Me: What exactly young Ben Solo had done to lead Luke to even consider such an act? We are only told the dark side was rising in him, and that’s sounds vague as hell.

Look, The Star Wars at it’s core were a story about hope - that there’s good even in a bad person, about redemption, and unwavering familial love. Luke was the embodiment of that, and that scene goes directly against it.

If he so insist on having such a drastic turn for Luke, he should’ve made us understand, how did it happen. We should’ve seen more of young Ben Solo, and their dynamic prior to the break. It would serve both their characters and story overall better than this cheap shot for the shock value, so we, like Rey, would cry: You have created Kylo Ren???

But, honestly, if Rian is oh-so-clever and daring writer, he could’ve come up with a better, more complex backstory for Luke and Ben’s breakdown.

Bitter Me: and besides Luke’s arc here? The big lesson he learns? „the real great master let’s his students grow beyond him.” That’s such a simple one, so obvious, it’s dumb and annoying, not worthy to be Luke’s final arc. He was wiser than that. Luke was never about being great and powerful, he rejected offers to became such through dark side, he left his jedi training because his friends were more important to him. Why would he be afraid of his student becoming more powerful than him?

Nice Me: But Luke is great. Like when he says „what do you expect me to do? show up and wave my lightsaber, and they will all run off scared?”, he might be mocking the heroic ways and everyone’s expectations, but if you look back, he achieved his biggest win in the Original Trilogy by tossing asside the lightsaber and refusing to fight.

Bitter Me: …and then he goes and does excatly, what he mocked: shows up, wave the lightsaber and scare off the pesky First Order.

Nice Me: And it was EPIC! And the shoulder brush! hilarious!

Bitter Me: yeah, yeah. Btw, was that their first meeting since Luke tried to murder Ben? so he just like that, shows up, mocks Kylo’s powerlessness, fights him and then promises to forceghost hunt him for eternity?

Nice Me: What do you want him to do?

Bitter Me: …I don’t know, APOLOGIZE for trying to murder him?

Nice Me: fine, but this is still about redemption and love and hope. Rose says: That’s how we’re gonna win. Not fighting what we hate, saving what we love. It’s a great quote.

Bitter Me: Then who is saving Kylo? whose there left to love him? Rey, walking off on him, closing door on him? Leia, giving up on him, saying we need to kill him? What mother would say something like that? Leia would say something like that? The princess who was always compassionate, and hugging everyone around? Who spent all the previous film insisting on bringing Ben back?

Nice Me: She says it in a tone that suggests she’s not believing it herself. like she’s trying to convince herself, because others expect that of her, because he’s a threat to them all. And Luke counters it immedietly.

Bitter Me: …It’s still there.

Nice Me: …and there’s still third movie. The story is in progress.

Nice Me: At least Snoke is dead. That was GREAT. He always felt like this unnecessary ouside evil force, that people can conveniently blame for all the bad things done, just kill him and everythings gonna be bright and shiny again. By removing him so early, they made way and time to explore more complex evil inside us, err, characters, or harder to spot like the riches benefiting from the ongoing war. That’s a nice storytelling turn.

Nice Me: And Rey as a random nobody is a joy for my heart, because I’m a bit done with Chosen One trope, where hero’s been destinated for heroics on the qualms of being born a prince or noble or someone powerful. I’ve had hard times connecting with such characters, because I myself never felt born special.

(Bitter Me: Then how did you end up liking Luke, the very icon of Chosen One trope?

Nice Me: Loss of the limb.)

Bitter Me: okay, but that was only told to us, just like Rey’s vision of Kylo’s future. Told, not shown. I mean, given how bad Rian is at visions, it would be cringey, but still it’s a movie, use the visuals to convey the information. Not everything needs to be telegraphed, did we really need that guy liking the rocks on Crait to know it’s salt? Who cares it’s salt? That was distracting.

Nice Me: …that was to bring the attention to the footprint…

Bitter Me: …the big zoom on it did that just fine. The joke was unnecesary.

Bitter Me: Actually half the jokes were unnecessary. The humour was crude, often misplaced and under cutting the drama of the scenes. They say it was needed to balance out the dark themes this movie deals with, but in my opinion the previous movies dealt with the same dark drama, and yet used humour in a less forced nor cynical way. Some say it felt more like a Marvel movie, and true, that’s how it felt.

Nice Me:…but you loved Thor Ragnarok - for it’s humour exactly.

Bitter Me: one, Thor used humour with better placement and sense of purpose, didn’t try to undercut the emotional impact of the scenes with it. Two, it was a Marvel movie - you expect such humour, because that’s their style. Going to the Star Wars you expect Star Wars - great visuals, action scenes, emotions, feelings, not disgusting alien cow. It’s anti-climatic.

Besides, why are we so ashemed of pure emotions and drama, that we need to undercut it with gags and jokes? why there must be a wink, „yeah, we did this serious scene, but we’re not sure we got it good enough, people might mock us for it, better mock ourselves first.” For gods sake, dare to be honest. If it’s serious, heroic, epic, let it be such!

Nice Me: The latter half of the movie was great, tho. Rey using force in non-combat way to move rocks and save friends, nice way to turn joke around into something beautiful. All of them coming together on Millenium Falcon board. Luke’s death with the suns setting, making nice parallel to the sunset at Tatooine long ago at the begining of his journey. That last scene about the power of storytelling, I cried a little, it was so moving…

Bitter Me: … the storytelling about what? Self-righteous jedi deciding who is worthy of forgivness or chance for redemption, and who to finish off while they’re still a kid and asleep? About mothers giving up on their sons? About destroying everything that once was sacred, stripping it of the value? It’s all clever writting, but without understanding the soul of the Star Wars, without keeping it’s core sacred, it came of shallow.

Nice Me: shhh, calm down. It’s just a movie.

Bitter Me: How did we come to the Star Wars being just a movie? just a story? quite ironic, in the context of that ending scene.

Magic is gone.

Nice Me: Come on, Let’s watch it again, maybe you’ll like it better. There’s a cute orange murderball...

Bitter Me: …and my fave actor gets trashed around. Fine, let’s watch it again.

[alinaschreave-blog]

Welcome Ball

(a/n: well! here is the promised alina fic!!! i finally did it!! hopefully this will be one of many, and obviously, i didn’t get to include everything from the ball in it, but this is a big part. i’ve got a lot planned for alina now, so... you’ll see what’s up next! also this is unedited and 3.5k so bear with me sry)

The water’s cold when I finally force myself in. The waves are light, lapping softly against my freshly shaven legs, but I flinch away from them all the same. I haven’t been in the water in weeks and it’s almost as if I can feel the salt forcing its way into my skin. Once my thighs are halfway covered, I dive the rest of the way in. It’s better once my face and hair have been under; I can hardly feel the chill.

I look out and survey the ocean before me: an orange buoy a hundred meters out (exactly one hundred, I put it there three years ago), a few seagulls passing overhead, the crash of some waves— too small to surf, Evan had said that morning, opting to stay in bed.

I take a deep breath and pull my goggles over my eyes, as nerdy as they are, I don’t want salt water getting into any of my orifices. Once they’re secure, I dive in again, swimming out to the buoy and back over and over again, until my breaths are coming in shallow pants and my legs are starting to feel like Jell-O.

I’ve always liked the water, specifically that of the ocean. When I was younger, Evan would help me sneak out to the sea when my parents told me that I should stay in the palace. They even had a pool put in for me. But I never liked it as much. I like the jostle of the waves while I’m pulling myself through the water; I like to be able to see the sand and the fish and everything beneath me. It gives me some sense of power, I think, a kind of control I don’t get when I’m at home, in the clutches of my family.

This morning, it’s calming me down even more than usual, but I’ve had a lot on my mind. With twenty plus girls between the ages of sixteen and twenty-two now living in my home, I haven’t had much time to myself, especially not with the late-night visits from Lady Fiona, which were confusing in themselves.

Preparations for the night’s Welcome Ball were in full swing and I had needed to get away from it all. My mother had practically been chasing me around the palace for the past few days urging me to ‘finally pick a dress, darling, no need to drag it out!’ The water was a nice break from it all.

After almost two thousand meters, I see the silhouette of someone through my goggles. If I was swimming anywhere but here, I wouldn’t have stopped, but this beach is impossible to get to unless you go through the palace, which requires you go through heavy security to even enter the foyer, which means it must be a member of the royal family, a palace employee or a member of the Selected. But seeing as no one would know exactly where to come but my family or a guard, I easily rule everyone else out.

My feet feel a little weird as they touch down on the soft sand for the first time in almost an hour. I shake them out as I look up, pulling my goggles off to see my father smiling down at me, his arms crossed. He’s wearing a nice, blue, three-quarter zip sweater with a bit of a turtleneck and jeans. This is the most ‘dressed-down’ he gets and he’s wearing thousand dollar Italian shoes. I’m already smiling as I trudge out of the water, the cool air chilling me. I wrap my arms around myself, but he’s already pulled the towel out of my bag and is holding it out for me.

He covers me in the towel and keeps his arms around me, rubbing along my arms to warm me up. I let my head, wet hair and all, fall against his chest. Everything about my father comforts me. It makes me scared for the day I might ever have to leave him.

“Good morning,” I mumble. He holds me away from him and smiles at me.

“Your mother sent me to get you. Apparently, you’ve been MIA all week long. Got an explanation, missy?” I almost laugh. Daddy’s very rarely stern with me, it’s almost impossible. Even when I was younger, he could never tell me off. My mother says it’s because he hadn’t expected a girl, but I think he’s just gushy like that.

“Not really,” I say, tucking my towel around me so it won’t fall and slinging my bag up and over my shoulder, making sure to brush the sand off the bottom. “Just needed a break.”

We don’t say anything as we walk back to the palace; we don’t need to. We understand each other in a weird way that I’ve never felt with anyone else, not even Evan. My father is one of the only people I can stand silence around.

He walks me up to my rooms once we get back into the palace, kisses my forehead and leaves me to get ready for the ball, which is, obviously, an all-day affair.

Don’t get me wrong, I love getting dolled up. Putting on fancy dresses, makeup, doing my hair, I live for that stuff. I don’t hate going to balls, either. Social events are where I thrive. But it feels like my whole life has been going a million miles a minute recently and I can’t seem to find time to breathe.

My maids draw me a bath, which I spend an obscene amount of time in, soaking in all the fancy body oils and scents they poured in. Once I get out, my head maid, Ana, a middle-aged woman with black, bushy eyebrows and only a few grey streaks in her long hair, dries me off softly, handing me lotion to rub on myself as she runs a brush, then her fingers, through my hair. This is always my favorite part of getting ready. People touching my hair is like… the ultimate good feeling. If someone did it just right, I could probably orgasm without being touched anywhere else. But now, it’s just soothing, each stroke of the brush or her hands pulling all the tension out of my body.

My mother comes in briefly to hand deliver the dress I picked. She just wants to see me in it, but that’s alright. I’ll never deny her things like this. The red fabric is smooth on my skin and fits snuggly and the purple flowers that line the top aren’t at all itchy like I thought they’d be. By the time Ana finishes fluffing and primping me, I have decided that it’s one of my favorite dresses I’ve ever worn. I can’t wait to send pictures to Dee later, even though I know she’ll see them in magazines later.

I walk down to the ballroom with both my parents, each of my hands held in one of theirs. It’s in moments like this that I feel less like a Princess and more like a girl. To someone who has lived their life in front of the public, it’s an amazing feeling.

We stop in front of the doors to the ballroom, our hands still clasped together. Dad pulls his away first, pulling up his sleeve to check his watch. Dom was supposed to be here by now.

“He’s late,” he grumbles. “Again.” He’s always been harder on Dom than he has been on me (another thing I feel guilty about.) My mother waves her hand in the air to dismiss him.

“Dominic does what he pleases, but he’s trying, Jameson. Cut him a little slack. He does everything you ask of him.”

“Eventually,” I mumble quietly and I can feel my father chuckle silently beside me. I love my brother, I truly do, but he’s got a lot of growing up to do before he becomes King of this country.

“Let’s just go,” Mom says, grasping my hand again. I’m grateful that they aren’t making me walk behind them, like I would if Dom were here. They’d walk in front, arms clasped, and Dom and I would wait ten paces before linking our own elbows and processing after them. I like this way much better. It’s less formal and loads more comfortable.

The room is decked out with all the finest. Various things hang from the ceiling, the chandelier is lit, and there are tables full of h’orderves and drinks lining the room. People are already dancing in the center of the room, mostly a few distant cousins, a guard or two.  

Practically the second my feet hit the main floor, Fiona is already flitting over towards me.

“Princess Alina ballerina, it's lovely to see you in the daytime for once.” I wince at the nickname and she laughs, a bell-like sound that rings high in her voice.

“That's your own fault, Lady Fiona.”

“Untrue. You could come see me just as much as I could see you in the daytime. Now I obviously will have to more since you look even more lovely when I can see all of the features of you,” she says. I fight the urge to blush at the compliment, especially because I can’t tell if she’s joking or not, and laugh softly.

“Then it's both of our faults.”

“Correct, milady! Now I would like to offer a dance with you. However, I do not know how to dance, so instead I offer a beverage from that table over there.” She hands me a glass of wine from one of the tables and smiles. “Now you won't have to walk all the way over there to get it.” I thank her politely.

“So, what do you think of the ball? It's my very first so I can't say if it's good or not.” I’ve barely had the time to survey the room, but I respond to her anyway.

“It's one of the most interesting we've had in a while. I have people to talk to now.” Which is true. If I would have had the time to talk to any of them before she came up to me.

“Thank goodness,” she sighs out, “I'm relieved, I thought it was good but I didn't want to be un-classy and think it was good when it wasn't. Do you not normally have people to talk to?”

“More often than not, these things are filled with stuffy foreign royals.” Also true.

“Honestly, I though you and your family would be pretentious. I was just raised often hearing negative things of you all. I'm very glad you aren't stuffy though. One of the pickup lines I thought of when I was drunk would be very suitable for this instance. It went something like Princess, you seem a little full of yourself, wouldn't you rather be full of me?” She grins proudly at that and I roll my eyes.

“That's a straight joke, so I don't think it works as well as you were planning, but it's funny,” I concede.

“I mean if we're going to be lewd, you could still be fingering and have it work.” This time, I do blush.

“You wouldn't generally refer to it that way, but you're right, you could stretch it.”

“Yes point for me! Speaking of being drunk, is there normally alcohol at these things? I honesty have no idea what it is that we're drinking.”

“Well, that's rosé, so yes, alcohol,” I say, gesturing to her glass. It’s easy to forget that Fiona has had a wildly different experience in life than I have. She’s the lowest caste of all the girls. I spend a few minutes describing the difference between rosé and other wines to her before she cuts me off, likely because I’m boring her. Hell, I’m boring myself.

“So princess cutie, your dress looks lovely. Care to do a spin for me so I can see the back too?” I laugh and indulge her, twisting around to show her the back of my dress, which scoops past my shoulder blades, but is nothing special. I feel her arms fold around my waist.

“Caught you, cutie,” she says, giggling. I shuck her arms off me quickly.

“We’re in public…” My voice is strained even to my own ears as my eyes check the crowd to see if anyone has noticed.

“Yes, currently we are in public, but if you’d rather, as I would, be in private, we certainly could be there as well.” Fiona pivots her body to shield me from the view of the rest of the ballroom, my elbow pressing against the wall. “How about it?”

I do my best to shrink away from her, pulling myself as close to the wall as I can.

“I can’t,” I whisper. I’m doing my best to keep my anger in check.

“Why not?” I don’t know exactly what to say. There are a million reasons.

“People will notice if I’m gone. Besides, I shouldn’t be doing any of this. You shouldn’t be doing any of this.” My voice is hushed, but now I’m sure the anger has crept through.

“I’ve told you before. I don’t care what I should or shouldn’t be doing. I’m here to have my own fun. Alina Schreave,” I almost wince at my full name, “you drive me crazy. I know you want to stick with the rules but you’ve been stuck in my mind since our first meeting. Give me a chance? The only risk of this is the risk that I may face. I’ve decided that the positives outweigh the negatives. I don’t care how far we go or what goes on, I just know I want you desperately.” My breath is caught in my throat. I can barely think, let alone process what she’s just said to me. “If you’re worried people will notice you’re gone, you can just say I was feeling anxious at my first big party and you helped call me down. That’d be believable. Please, Alina,” she begs, her eyes searching mine.

“It’s not that I can’t leave, Fiona. It’s that I can’t do this.” I gesture between us. “I know you don’t care about my brother and that’s not why you’re here, but besides the fact that this could get you into serious trouble, I can’t do this to him.” I’m shaking my head vigorously.

“Alina, you said before that you don’t often meet people who aren’t pretentious, and that this is one of Dom’s few chances at finding love. But isn’t this just as much of a chance for you?” No, I think, it shouldn’t be. “You won’t get the chance either, you don’t even get a Selection! Dom has said before in magazines that he’s fine with some of the girls being with his relatives, as long as he still has some. Dom and I won’t work out because I’m very clearly not into guys. There is no way that you being with me could hurt him. The only thing you’re doing is hurting yourself.” This isn’t what I want. I can’t breathe.

“I’m not doing this, Fiona,” I mutter.

“Fine,” she spits. “If you want to continue to just stop yourself because of a stupid rule that has already been removed, then be my guest. I’ve been trying to help you but it’s not my job to save you from yourself.”

My eyes narrow as I glare at her.

“I don’t need saving!” I bite out. “I’m going to go now. We aren’t having this conversation again,” I say, the sternness coming out. “Understood?”

“Right,” she mutters. “I hope you have a wonderful night, Princess Alina,” she says, already turning to leave. I give myself a few breaths before I spot Evan standing near a drink table, a glass in his hand and his constant brooding look plastered on his face. I make my way over to him, hoping he can calm me down.

He sees me before I get close and excuses himself from the conversation he’d been having beforehand.

“Alina?” He says quietly. He knows better than to draw attention. “Is everything okay?” I shake my head.

“Tell me I’m being stupid.”

“You’re being stupid,” he says, a teasing grin spreading across his face. I can’t help but smile back, just a little.

“You don’t even know what I’m being stupid about!” I bump my shoulder into his, jostling his drink.

“What are you stupid about?” He asks.

“Well… I guess it’s less of me being stupid than other people being stupid and me not knowing what to do.” He sighs.

“Who do I need to go yell at?” I smile, knowing that he would. Evan is a combination of the older brother I never had and a best friend, which, in my opinion, makes him pretty incredible.

“Don’t yell, that would just make it worse. Fiona just… well, I don’t even really know what Fiona did! But it was definitely not platonic,” I say, the words coming out all in one breath. He looks at me seriously, resting a hand on my arm.

“What do you want me to do?”

“I don’t know,” I sigh,” Tell me what to do?” I quickly relayed the conversation to him as best I could. “It was a lot.”

“She was you to run away with her?” He said, quirking an eyebrow.

“Well, just from the ball,” I clarified,” but I’m not sure she’d stop there. She keeps coming to my rooms in the middle of the night and taking me on adventures or whatever. And don’t yell at me for leaving without supervision, I feel guilty enough already.”

“Do you want to go with her?” He asks quietly. “To leave the ball I mean. You’re not allowed to leave home just yet,” he says with a wink. I roll my eyes, but somber quickly.

“I… don’t know. I don’t think I do, but I never let myself even think of the possibility. As much as Dom pisses me off, I want him to find what he’s looking for and I wouldn’t want to be the person to take anything away from him…”

“Well if Fiona says she's for sure not even here for Dom, then she's probably going to get herself eliminated unless you say something to Dom. I say... give yourself time to think about it as a real possibility. If it looks like it'll work out, then go for it, but if not, don't stress over it. Don't worry, Lina Beena.” He uses my family’s nickname for me, knowing it’ll calm me down. My father came up with in when I was still a newborn. It’s the only nickname I’ve ever been able to stand. “Everything will work itself out.”

“It’s just… I’m not supposed to,” I mutter. Evan runs a hand through his hair.

“I know we’re not supposed to… but,” he sighs, “if you think Fiona may be the One then… maybe you just have to go for it.” He looks away from me, out into the crowd of Selected girls. I scoff.

“Well how the hell am I supposed to know that?” Evan puts his hand on my shoulder.

“Sorry, beena. You're going to have to figure that one out for yourself.”

“Well, shit, you were no help at all. You're going soft, Ev.” I lean over and poke him to prove my point. “Squishy, even.” I wave my hand in the air, dismissing the conversation for now. “Whatever, I need a drink.”

“Sorry,” he says sheepishly. I know he probably does feel bad for not being able to tell me exactly what to do. “And don’t drink too much!” He adds.

“You know I probably will. But I won't do anything stupid.”

“You say that now…” But there’s a teasing glimmer in his eye.

“You know I’ll just get giggly then fall asleep. Especially if we’re talking wine.” And we are. Loads and loads of wine.

“Fine. You want me to walk you to your room later? To make sure you go to your room?” I whack him on the arm.

“You know me better than that. Now, go have fun! That's a command from your Princess,” I joke. He rolls his eyes at me, but I can feel his smile as a head over to one of the drink tables, picking up a glass of white wine and downing it in one go and prancing onto the dancefloor. Forgetting is always easier when dancing.

[pagesandpiles]

the Grisha Trilogy - Review by pagesandpiles

This review is over the trilogy as a whole, and not the individual books themelves. There will be spoilers, consider yourself warned!

Author: Leigh Bardugo

Title: Shadow and Bone / Siege and Storm / Ruin and Rising

Rating: 4/5 for emotional attachment to characters, plot reveals, and Grisha science.

Description(from Goodreads): In a lavish world where darkness reigns and science collides with superstition, Alina Starkov has the power to save her country...but it comes with a price.

First Impression: Having read Six of Crows and Crooked Kingdom beforehand, this trilogy brings me back into the universe of Grisha science and saints. Not only am I being promised a long-awaited love interest, but a dormant power come to light. (heh) Let's do this!

Writing: I personally prefer a universe that doesn't follow our limitations to define its own boundaries and restrictions. The only reason I don't give this trilogy a 5/5 rating is because I found that Bardugo conveniently finds loopholes for her characters to resolve disputes or to save a cornered fight. Instead of feeling like the loopholes were possibilities I had overlooked, I felt like they left me wanting more explanation.

Story: Alina and Mal came from Keramzin, an orphanage, before they were in the military together. That was their home for all technical purposes, but the only place that *felt* like home was wherever the other one was. This remains true until the last page of Ruin and Rising, and I believe it has an important impact on Alina's choices throughout the story. (more on this later)

Thoughts on the Darkling and his intentions: Upon finding out who the Darkling truly is and what he's done/plans to do, The Fold becomes a symbol of what his existence means to both Ravka and Alina. Instead of searching for the Sun Summoner to right his wrongs and have the "balance" of light and darkness he taunts Alina with, he searches for her in order to have her under his control, allowing him to use the fold to gain total power. As I read Ruin and Rising, I started to theorize that because the only other Grisha the Darkling knows that can summon darkness is his mother, (who pushed him to strive for greatness, and to not stop until he was the best) he has no sense of friendship or comeraderie like Alina has to ground him . He only knows the work he's put in to be the best, and therefore allows greed to take over when he discovers the Sun Summoner and better yet, the amplifiers. This leads me to discuss something that bothered me a bit. Before I had finished the trilogy, people were saying "don't you LOVE the Darkling? He's my favorite!" and I couldn't understand why. The Darkling EMBODIES abuse in every way imaginable. He abuses his Grisha trait, his power, and he manipulates Alina and everyone around him. Many people see him as a tortured soul who has waited a lifetime for his other half; a lonely Grisha who never had a normal trait with which to blend in to society, misunderstood. All of these things are true, but that doesn't make his actions acceptable. "But there's a force that draws them together...they MUST be meant for each other!" That force is nothing more than their powers calling to each other. Like calls to like. The only reason they end up in intimate situations is because the Darkling is manipulating her into trusting him so that he can use her trait for his bidding. Further proving my point, he actually says "You're nothing now!" when she loses her ability to summon in the battle in the Fold. How could anyone misread that as him loving her, or him wanting her for who she is?

On Grisha Science: On a better note, I am amazed by the explanation of Grisha traits. Their abilities are not magic, but rather affinities. The Inferni cannot summon fire without a flint to make a spark. The Materialnik cannot make metal or other solids, but they can join them and separate elements from structures. This explanation helps discern between what Grisha can do and what the Darkling uses to summon his shadows. What he uses is an abomination in the eyes of the Grisha; magic.

In conclusion: I found this trilogy to be very clever in delivery. There is plenty of critical thinking to be done about why the characters choose to do what they do and how they do it, and that's what I look for in reading material. I had a deep emotional attachment for the characters (my son, Nikolai) and caught myself laughing, coddling, and covering my mouth in disbelief at various points of the story. Bardugo does a wonderful job incorporating a Russian feel to the books rather than the standard European feel that comes along with mosts fantasies. I am greatly satisfied by her work, and would shove it down my friends' throats recommend it to anyone looking for an interesting read!

[yesimwriting]

Searing Starlight (chapter two)

A/n Chapter twooo!! I cannot believe the support I’ve been getting on here im so excited to share my six of crows/shadow and bone fics with y’all!

 Lmk if you’d like to be tagged when I update this story!! And just letting y’all know I take requests so if you have an idea you’d like to see me attempt feel free to comment it or send it in :)) 

--

At least Kaz’s claimed ‘wraith’ (which is such an odd thing to just have) is a girl, and a seemingly kind one at that. She was quick to find me, body pressed into wooden shelves and glass bottles, and subtly gesture for me to follow her. It had been difficult to keep track of her flighty form through the crowd, but I think there was a point in her strange raveling, to make sure no one was following me. 

She’s not particularly talkative, but she doesn’t seem bothered by me. She tossed me a random oversized shirt to pull over my dress when she saw how I kept adjusting the fabric and crossing my arms. That was kinder than she needed to be. I think I’ll like her. 

“So you’re a wraith,” I manage, breaking the nervous silence, “Like a full time, constantly on-call wraith.” 

The question seems to puzzle her, dark eyebrows drawing together. “Yes.” The corner of her mouth twitches up slightly, a smile. “A full time, constantly on-call wraith.” She hesitates, perfect stance adjusting. “What were you doing before?” 

Great. This question. “Nothing important.” It’s not a fair cop-out. Especially since she answered my question. “I um...I’m indentured to Rollan Kenya.” 

I watch her reaction to the name. Some know of him. Some revere him. Some loathe him and everything he’s associated with. “His religious interpretations are controversial.” 

“If you think what he says to the public is bad you should hear what he says in private.” I push myself further into the chair I’m in. 

Something strange flickers over her features. “I can imagine.” 

Shaking my head, I hope I’m ending this conversation. “What’s your name?” 

A hesitation. “Inej.” 

I nod once, “I’m y/n.” 

“Do you need water, y/n?” 

I scratch my still exposed knee. “That’d be nice. Thank you.” 

She’s quick to leave, feet making no noise. A minute later she returns with a cup. I have no reason to suspect her, but I still sniff the cup before taking a cautious sip. I wonder if Anya made it back home. I wonder if she’s worse off for it. 

Before I can fall into a pit of debating despair, the door to the room Inej took me to squeaks open. On instinct, I snap my gaze towards the door, tensing. The first person I notice is Kaz, entering the room with a determination too intense for this time of night. Jesper is quick to follow, and I drop my stare. I’ve never had to interact with anyone I’ve lied to after taking their money. 

“Are they gone?” Inej asks, clearly accustomed to such brooding tension. 

Kaz nods once, “It took too much convincing--the Inferni’s more than she’s letting on.” 

I’m literally in the room. “I’m not--we’ve spoken two words to each other, sorry my abilities didn’t come up.” 

He turns towards me with a deadly grace. My grip on the cup tightens. What the hell is wrong for me? How deeply instilled is that god complex Kenya wanted in me? It must be as part of me as my name if I felt comfortable enough to speak that way to Kaz Brekker. 

I keep my eyes on his cane, waiting for some kind of physical retaliation. “Maybe the grisha hunting you would appreciate your sense of humor more.” 

It’s a bluff. He needs me. He’s desperate for something that can mimic a Sun Summoner. Still though, I’m not in the mood to poke a bear with a stick. “Speaking from experience,” I clear my throat awkwardly, “They tend not to.”

“Then I suggest you begin explaining before I decide I’d rather take my chances and you lose your worth.” 

Maybe if I hadn’t spent the last eleven years of my life with Kenya, his words would haunt me. I keep my expression set, but the lanterns in the room flicker. “It’s not as impressive as they’re making it seem--Inferni can produce fire, regular, red, bright fire.” I pause, feeling energy in my palms. “I can do the same, but I can also,” I extend a flat palm, “Do this.” 

I focus my energy on restraint, forcing the fire on my skin to remain there, covering my palms in a cold, blue glow. “It’s still fire, just blue--and that matters to them because blue light is the only kind you can use in the Fold.” Do they know anything about the fold? “Kenya, the man I’m indentured to, believes that this ability makes me eligible for Sainthood. He specializes in collecting people he thinks are eligible for Sainthood.” The low flame coating my palm licks upwards as I remember what disappointing Kenya means. “And if you don’t meet his standards, he’ll find a way to make sure you do. That’s why the grisha want me. He made me more and they believe that if they give me to someone who can give me an amplifier I’ll be able to produce enough blue light to protect an entire fleet.” 

“What do you mean ‘he’ll find a way to make sure you do’?” Inej’s voice is cautious. An attempt to be respectful. 

I drop my palm, letting the fire disappear into nothingness. “I wasn’t born with the ability to control the blue light so well--It’s difficult enough to produce for longer than two seconds let alone keep it from burning everything in sight. By the time I ended up in Kenya’s control he had learned that certain stimulants. Some scientists are working on a more grisha-targeted kind, but Kenya has managed to work with the generic well enough.” Hands shaking, I wipe the condensation off the side of the cup and hold out my wrist. Using the condensation, I begin to wipe at my wrist and forearm, smearing my makeup and revealing the needle bruises. “The key is withdrawals.”

Thoughts of begging Kenya, crying and screaming for another fix as he promised to give me that as soon as I showed some control of my abilities, make the shaking in my hand worse. I clasp my hands together, squeezing them in hopes of hiding the signs of withdrawal. 

I stare at the ground, not wanting to take anyone’s reaction in. I handle pity as well as I handle kindness. 

“Do you think you could produce enough blue light for one ship?”

Looking up, I take in Kaz’s measured expression. I’m glad he’s sticking to business. I’d rather that than deal with unpacking all of that with a group of strangers that don’t care if I live or die. 

“I could try.” I’ve never tried to protect anything that large. “Even if I can, it doesn’t mean a voyage like that will be safe.” 

“There’s no real safety in the Fold,” he replies easily. Realistic expectations. That will make this easier. “No one finds out about her--especially not Pekka Rollins.” 

I pull my arm towards my body, glad for the opportunity to hide the bruises. Signs of my weakness. The worst part was always the way Kenya would speak to me after. Pathetic. Weak. Trapped within the restraints of my flesh. 

“Who’s Pekka Rollins?” 

Kaz briefly turns his head in my direction. “No one that will ever concern you.” He ignores my annoyed huff. “We’ll use the Inferni to get to Alina Starkov.” 

Alina. Alina Starkov. “What do you want with Alina?”

 At that, the room seems to drain. I feel weirder than when they were seeing my abilities. 

“You know her?” Jesper’s surprise reveals more than Kaz wants him to. I don’t miss the glare he receives.

I half-shrug. “We were in the same orphanage for awhile.”

“How did you get to Ketterdam?” I don’t trust Kaz’s urgency. 

“I don’t remember, I was a child and I--I hit my head that night I think. I just woke up and I was with Kenya.” 

“How well do you know Alina?” 

There was a point in time in which she was my best friend. We learned how to braid hair by practicing on each other, we would draw maps together, and I was the only one who knew about her crush on Mal. “Not that well.” 

He takes a step forward, eyes almost squinting. The touch of distrust is evident on his face. “If you’re lying I’ll find out.” 

I owe Alina at least this. “Well then it’s a good thing I’m not.” 

I’m not naive enough to believe that I’ve convinced him, but his intense gaze does not remain on me. I’m relieved when his attention is off of me, but he’s only moving on to start planning the riskiest thing I’ve ever done. 

-- 

Taglist: @ambrosia-v-black 

[yesimwriting]

playing vices

“A/n a blurb bc ive been working on my novel and ive missed writing for Kirigan :))

--

I am a fool that has played into her vices enough to make them addictions. That must have been Kirigan's plan. He knows that I don't agree with his methods. He is also much too aware of the fact that I am beyond attached to him. He plays into that fact often, lulling me to him whenever he feels that my conscious is in danger of driving a wedge between us.

Which is why I have become accustomed to falling asleep while running my fingers along his skin as he whispers things much sweeter than anything he would say while fully awake.

But now it's late and he's not here. I sit up, kicking the comforter off of me slightly. It seems Aleksander has been more and more absent these days. When he's not with me, the odds that he's doing something that hurts people are high. His absence is also starting to make me feel like he's losing interest in me. It would make sense considering the fact that he looked twice at me in any capacity has never seemed logical.

Maybe that's why we've never indicated commitment to each other. I don't know what commitment would be with him. He seems to grand to be considered a 'boyfriend', but there's something more than friendly about how he holds onto me. I've never cared for labels until I started feeling displaced.

"You're still awake."

I press my lips together, trying to seem a little calmer. "Couldn't sleep."

"Troubling thoughts?" The question is more weighted than it should be. Everything with him is. 

“Has anyone ever called you dramatic?” 

His lips quirk upwards, hinting at a smile. Warmth pools in my stomach, the way it always does when he lets me see the slight glimmer of light that’s still in him. Sometimes I think he only shows me this softness when he feels that I may pull away. It may be rooted in manipulative intent, but I know that it’s real. 

“Only you would have the gall,” he says, voice low yet not dark. 

Kirigan’s easiness coaxes a smile from my lips. A small one, but I can feel the way the crack in my tension feeds his confidence. He takes pride in slipping past the walls I only try to create when cautious or irritated. Today I’m both but I need to pretend like I’m neither. The more resistance he senses, the more forward and effective his advances become. 

I keep my expression neutral. I’m sure Alina could get away with calling him that. I wish she was more unlikable. It would be easier to hide my irritation if I could blame that displaced feeling in my chest on two people. But of course Alina is wonderful, beautiful, and his equal.

Whatever. It’s not like we’re really anything. Every time I see him I wait for his betrayal. There’s nothing worth using me for, and somehow that makes me feel worse. He should have never looked at me twice let alone encourage whatever strange relationship we’ve created. 

My silence seems to displease him because he approaches my bedside easily in quick yet patient strides. Now that he’s close enough to touch I feel some of the ice I managed to solidify melt. 

Kirigan lifts a hand and places it on my knee easily. I stiffen instinctually, he runs his thumb over my skin to fight my resistance. “Who’s upset you?” 

I breathe, forcing myself to ease. “No one has.” I don’t have to meet his gaze to know he doesn’t believe me. That’s the core source of our attachment, we can read each other with less than a look. “I’m just getting a headache,” not a full lie, “I’ll feel better after some sleep.” He squeezes my knee slightly, a soft way of asking me for more. “I don’t think I’ll be good company tonight.” 

His hand leaves my knee, fingertips barely grazing my thigh as he moves his hand to hold beneath my chin. I still as he turns my head so that I have no choice but to meet his gaze. “You don’t need to be good company when what I want is your presence.” 

I press my lips together to avoid melting into the promising pools of warmth that make up his irises. He spent all day with Alina, took Zoya’s side in an argument I had with her earlier this week, and now he comes to me late at night. He seems to only want to acknowledge me when we’re alone, and it’s not like I want more than that. I just don’t know how long my heart will be able to teeter the line between nothing and something. I’m a fool for having let it go on this long. 

The only problem is that his steady stare is chasing away all of my rationality. “I’m sure you’ll be able to find someone more in the mood to offer their presence.” 

My curtness leaves something behind his expression dull, the hint of a smile that was growing on him has now vanished. I am met with a stoic disposition I have never had directed at me. 

“They’re not you,” he counters, voice edged by something I don’t understand. 

That’s the point. They’re not me--I’m average. I can’t offer power and my relationship experience is basic at best. I don’t want to have this argument, not when I’m basically fighting for him to let me go when that’s not what I want. 

I’m making it easier. If it hurts this much when I was only on the cusp of something, imagine the pain I’l feel if I let it continue. I turn my head away so that he’s no longer holding my chin. “Not a bad thing.” 

“To me it is.” He doesn’t hesitate, my chest swells. His thumb brushes against my cheek, soft and comforting. “I’m tired,” he says this like it’s a confession. His admission hangs in the air for a long moment, as heavy and weighted as my heart. “If you’re angry, wait until morning.” 

Something in my heart cracks. “I’m not angry.” My gaze drops, my thoughts struggling to come together. “I’ll be nicer to deal with in the morning.” 

“Y/n,” his tone twists from distant to warning, “the last time you asked me to leave was when you discovered something you didn’t like.” 

I almost wince at the way he’s worded it. When I found out what his real plans were, I told myself I had to leave. He skirted past all of my reservations and walls, twisting my doubt away through coddling whispers and shy brushes of fingers.

“This isn’t like that.” Not a lie. 

He exhales slowly, the sound dangerously sharp. “Then what is it?” 

“Why did you come here so late?” The question leaves me too sharply. I’m exposing too much but I can’t help it. “If you don’t want to answer, that’s fine.” My voice is flat. “I’m sure Alina will be happy to fill me in.” I can’t bring myself to take in his reaction. “And if she can’t, I’m sure Zoya will be able to.” 

He’s silent for a long second. “Unwarranted jealousy doesn’t suit you.” 

His confidence sparks something angry within me.  “I am not jealous.” The most blatant lie of the night, but I don’t care. I turn my head to glare at him, “and don’t just tact on ‘unwarranted’ before something that’s true just because it’s easier for it not to be.” 

I watch his expression cautiously until the slightest tilt of his lips adds to my anger. He’s enjoying this or he did this intentionally or both. “Darling,” he hums, voice soft, “you are the only person that makes me feel peace.” 

My stomach flutters, the sensation threatening to break my weak resolve. “I am not particularly powerful,” I breathe, voice stiff, “or particularly...” How do I explain this all to him? “Anything.” He’s everything, and I am nothing but average. “I’m average at best, there’s no reason for you to want anything to do with me, and that’s fine--but don’t lie and pretend that that’s not true.” 

The sentence is barely out fo my mouth before I feel myself pulled towards him by the collar of my nightgown. His lips are on mine before I can question where this is going. I kiss him back too quickly, but any effort I expend is returned fervently.

He pushes me back slightly as quickly as he yanked me forward. He doesn’t explain. I don’t ask him to. I should demand an answer and shove him away from me or pull him back towards me. But I do nothing. I just stare at him as he stares at me. 

When the weight of the silence threatens to break something in me, I force myself to speak, “Kirigan--”

“Aleksander.” The name is soft and so fragile I worry it will shatter in the air before it can fully reach me. “You know there’s much I’m not ready to say, but that,” he exhales, the sound so sad I want to reach for him, “that is the one name I have not given to myself and I want you to have it.” Something conflicted crosses his features. “I would never give that to someone average.” 

Emotion swells in my chest, heavy yet not painful. “Aleksander.” I’m not sure if I’m trying to call to him or if I’m just trying to feel his name--his true name--on my lips. 

His eyes widen, something unbearable behind them. He moves the hand holding the collar of my nightgown to my cheek. I lean into the contact like a fool as his eyes flutter shut. “Say it again.” 

I don’t hesitate, “Aleksander.” I lift my hand, fingers hesitant to find their place on his cheek. “Aleksander.”

He sighs into both the contact and the name. “You’re the first thing I’ve allowed myself to want,” his eyes open, but I cannot bring myself to meet his gaze, “I should make you feel like it.”

Something about the way he says that is sad. “I think that if it’s fair to say you were a little distant, it’s just as fair to say that I was a little jealous.” 

Aleksander smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “I’m tired,” he admits, “I’ll enjoy my victory in the morning.” 

I roll my eyes, but scoot over to give him a place by my side regardless. “I’m not sure you won, I think it was more of a draw.” 

He takes the space I offer quickly, never letting the contact between us disappear as he settles himself against my pillow. I let him pull me towards him. “This feels like a victory.” 

I try to ignore the warmth in my chest. “You’re lucky I’m tired enough to find that endearing.” 

I relax as his fingers trace shapes I’ll never know about onto my back. “I agree.”