#ft my pardner

[outsockk]

the bride and the ugly ass groom (collab with Miss_0blivious on twt)

[coyotecollects]

Touch here to boop snoot.

Uhoh they regenerated!

Looks like I booped too much 😔

[pasta-pardner]

spotify | you're a good man, arthur morgan.

(primarily blues, roots, and folk.)

[peonycats]

king can you zoom out on that map a bit 👀

sure can pardner

here’s the full map I drew of my east african ocs (ft. democratic republic of the congo and one (1) smug lookin sudan) Their exact details will prbly change later on, but for now im pretty happy w their designs!

I wanna talk about them all in more detail later, so for now, have this short but very informative infographic

[kae-karo]

2020 fic roundup

howdy pardners 🤠🤠 in order to procrastinate more writing here’s my list of all the fics i posted this year (sorted predominantly by ship and mostly in order of posting) - ft a lot of dabihawks and a surprising amount of todobaku lmao. oh and my personal faves are **starred

dabihawks (x)

a lesson in romantics (x) - 66k across 4 fics - the collection of standalone memory loss fics! canon divergent and centered around either dabi or hawks losing their memories thanks to the wonderful commission :) some solid angst and getting back together content, always happy endings!!

haven’t had enough (x) - 5.7k - silly little quirkless au where dabi goes to claire’s to get his ears pierced. multiple times. bc hawks is hot

last of the real ones (x) - 2.6k - less silly, just as little, set in canon-divergence bc i couldn’t get the idea out of my head of dabi getting red wings tattooed on him before ever meeting hawks

**dancing after death (x) - 25k - one of my faves from this year, a canon divergent sort of getting together story involving nightmares, some bad burns, and a bit of dancing

if you fall (hold my hand) (x) - 7.4k - canon divergence (bc apparently i’m a slut for that) and some hurt/comfort, ft a bit of makeout-level spice

no shame (x) - 16k - ah, and here we really dive into the ‘crack treated too seriously’ category, where the league sells feet/hand/misc kink pics to fund their activities and dabi has some photography skills and a wing kink (or maybe just a hawks kink)

broken parts (x) - 23.9k - i stole my own idea for a vigilante!hawks from my tiktok, then twisted it into a severely angsty (with a happy ending) hurt/comfort fic intended to break my own heart and piece it back together. it worked

freeing icarus (x) - 1.8k - the first fic without a happy ending i think i ever wrote, because the canon dabihawks fight actually broke me. some dabi introspection

**to the stars that burn (x) - 3.9k - the second fic without a happy ending, based more around childhood friends dabihawks working at the commission together. bittersweet but without much sweet

**king of disaster (x) - 119k+ - i poured my entire soul into this series, a fantasy au where dabi accidentally binds himself to hawks (an absolute stranger) and shenanigans ensue - this has also evolved to include todobaku, shinkami, and kirideku

enemy of my enemy (x) - 2.6k - a quirkswap space pirate au that truly tested my ability to write action scenes, part of the random prompt collection i did during october 2020

without a fight (x) - 2.2k - a rival band au ft singer!hawks and a grumpy dabi, another of the random october prompts

--

todobaku (x)

like i’m bakugou (x) - 2.1k - it was supposed to be a MEME based on a TIKTOK but i made it kinda serious....and here we are. todobaku on a froyo date

take a bite of my heart tonight (x) - 5k - VAMPIRES lmao. honestly it was a blast to write tho lmao

**if we go down, then we go down together (x) - 9.3k - tdbk get stranded on a deserted island bc tropes are fun lmao. also todo tries to freeze the ocean like elsa which i think is where my writing skill peaked

cold rebellion (x) - 4k - quirkless au where its HALLOWEEN and theyre in a CORN MAZE and they don’t LIKE EACH OTHER BAKA (part of the october prompt fic collection)

make it spicy (x) - 5k+ - predominantly todobaku with a healthy dose of dabihawks and some shiggynatsu as well, a bakery and nightclub au (yes u heard me)

**stitch me up (x) - 35k - todo gets split into both halves of his quirks, sort of, and baku has to deal with it (and i love this au so much i had a blast working on it)

--

bakudeku

rescue me (x) - 11.4k - basically the concept of ‘what if baku and deku were actually childhood friends tho? aka some good wholesome content

**into the dark (x) - 3.3k - afterlife au and originally part of the random prompts, baku didn’t survive the sludge villain incident and deku’s been carrying that weight for a while. and then he doesn’t survive a villain encounter...keep an eye on this one cause i’m working on a part 2 lmao

are you with me (x) - 2.1k - future fic where baku and deku are both heroes and, appropriately, the wonder duo. lil angsty but ofc a happy ending, part of the random oct prompts collection

--

todobakudeku (x)

**kintsugi (x) - 117k - future fic where they’re all UA teachers, with some established todobaku + todobakudeku getting together, a lil sprinkle of erasercloudmic, a nice dose of shinkami and some great shiggy redemption arc + eri attending UA content

reunion (x) - 1.8k - another future fic lmao with some getting-back-together content. part of the random october prompts collection

--

kiribaku (x)

rewrite the stars (x) - 2.8k - also a mina&kiri friendship fic, a soulmate au where kiri doesn’t get the soulmate he was hoping for (part of the oct prompts collection)

the mystery gang (x) - 4.1k - tell me how i wrote this much about a scooby doo-styled fic concept lmao. anyway, part of the oct prompts, includes some bakusquad shenanigans

wasteland, baby (x) - 4.5k - bakusquad bodyswap post-apocalyptic au and yes it’s just as chaotic as it sounds lmao. part of the oct prompts collection

like the sun (x) - 2.8k - the beach episode + baku&mei friendship (which i learned is called kat and the hat???? adorable) fluffy content, part of the oct prompts collection!

something sweet (x) - 1.2k - the actual kiribaku prompt i got lmao. coffee shop meets scavenger hunt, we adore a grumpy barista baku lmao. part of the oct prompts collection

--

todokami/todo&kami

oh, worm? (x) - 16.5k - it was supposed to be a joke but oh my god i love the idea of both todo and denki being memelords and falling in love with each other over it

secret tunnel (x) - 3.6k - conspiracy theorist todo meets conspiracy theorist denki in college au format and it’s really just top tier content imo - part of the oct prompt collection

all i want for christmas (x) - 3.5k - it was supposed to be a crack concept but as per usual it became less cracky the longer i thought about it. todokami fake dating babeyyyy - part of the oct prompt collection

**hydrangea (x) - 2.9k - soft todo introspection about his lil dragon hoard of things that make him think of his friends, which he decides to share with denki

--

shiggynatsu (x)

**death of summer (x) - 28k - the first fic i ever wrote for them and the most chaotic meeting i could come up with within the realm of canon divergence lmao. todofam hosting...shmigaraki

terrible people (x) - 960 - a lil babie established shiggynatsu fic about shiggy’s bday, basically just soft and wholesome - part of the oct prompt collection

--

shinkami (x)

don’t want to say goodnight (x) - 3.2k - kyouka pov on a shinkami getting together lil thing that lived in my brain rent free for a long time

don’t want to say goodnight (x) - 1k - yes i’m aware i see what i’ve done lmao i see the mistake i made. anyway this one is villain!shinsou and villain!denki so it’s like,,,,,the slightly spicier version. part of the oct prompt collection

--

other

**twelve over, seven up (x) - 4.5k - a bit of aizawa introspection after oboro’s death, bittersweet but mostly wholesome

a danger and a wonder (x) - 2.4k - mina&tokoyami friendship and bonding over mina’s kid and hawks’ kid (who tokoyami is babysitting) - part of the oct prompt collection

fish and feathers (x) - 4.1k - my chance to flex my remaining runescape knowledge to have jirou and denki friendship via the interwebs content

a name freely given (x) - 4.2k - shigadabi fake dating royalty au where shiggy’s fae? sure why not lmaoooo. part of the oct prompt collection

kabloom flower shop (x) - 2.8k - a wrong-number tattoo shop/flower shop kirikami au that was lowkey hilariously fun to write. part of the oct prompt collection

awake me from my nightmare (x) - 2.3k - the only fic i’ve ever tagged with mcd, an among us au of all things. baku&uraraka friendship and betrayal, part of the oct prompt collection

**for the record (x) - 2.1k - shiggy&dabi...allianceship? sort of? lmao they’re angel and demon, spies, and part of like a rebellion thing. and they don’t like each other which is always fun! part of the oct prompt collection

a different kind of hero (x) - 1.1k - established tododeku future fic where todo just got his quirk stolen (and deku already lost his in an afo fight), mostly bitter with just a tiny spark of hopefulness. part of the oct prompt collection

forget me not (x) - 2.1k - kiri&uraraka friendship, amnesia and artist au like i really went off here but it was so sweet and wholesome and i had a great time. part of the oct prompt collection

**lightning in a bottle (x) - 4.5k - chaotic kamibaku getting together but they’re WITCHES it’s a MAGIC AU and BEDSHARING IS A THING. part of the oct prompt collection

passing notes (x) - 1.6k - shiggy&eri friendship which is a thing that would be hilarious if it happened in canon tbh. part of the oct prompt collection

no turning back (x) - 6.5k - shiggy&deku friendship but make it royalty au and a 5/1 trope just for kicks lmao. part of the oct prompt collection

worthy adversary (x) - 1k - baku&shinsou friendship/childhood friends au that deserved more than 1k lmao. part of the oct prompt collection

together (x) - 3.2k - denki&mina friendship but they’re allied with vampires to fight some werewolves bc why not right? also lil taste of shinkami just like tiny bit for the flavor™. i should really do a bit more with this au huh? part of the oct prompt collection

a good thing (x) - 1.2k - shinsou&aizawa friendship? fathership? sonship? u know how it is lmao. a little sprinkle of shinkami for the flavor. part of the oct prompt collection

brighter than the sun (x) - 730 - can u tell i don’t usually write miritama lmao. some soft parallels bc they are soft. part of the oct prompt collection

try again (x) - 1.4k - dabi&shouto siblingship but dabi can time travel bc i said so (actually bc the prompts said so but whatever lmao) part of the oct prompt collection

that’s it lovelies!! nearly 600k this year and some of my favorite fics i’ve ever written, and i cannot begin to thank you all enough for your incredible support, i adore you all so much 🥺🥺🥺🥺

[strongermonster]

been keepin track of some fun things (ft me and my d2 pardner @albryy)

[deerskewl]

2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 10, 11, 14, 15, 19, 23, 25, 26, 27?

2. Favourite merc?

Don't make me choose :( but if I absolutely have to, it's Spy or Medic. For obvious reasons, I think.

3. Least favourite merc?

I don't want to say that I have a least favourite merc, because I love all of them, but..... I suppose I don't have as much of an attachment to Soldier? Which sucks because he's really cool I just don't hold him as much as I do the others?

4. Casual or Competitive?

Imagine being good enough at the game to play Competitive, this post was made by the me gang. Yeah no I play Casual on Attack/Defend and Payload exclusively.

5. First map you ever played?

I honestly don't remember, probably Upward? That sounds about right. Or uhhh Dustbowl?

7. How many hours do you have for TF2?

*quickly loads up Steam to check* uhhh that's 234 hours exactly :)

8. When did you start playing TF2?

I. uhhh don't exactly know? I got into it about 2016 but I didn't know how to play it— wait I can check my achievements uhhhh 2017 it seems! Whack.

10. Favourite song from the TF2 soundtrack?

I gotta be honest with you, I actually love More Gun a lot?? Of course all three of Medic's themes and specific Dapper Cadaver I love a lot too but there's something about Engie's theme that just makes me go :)

11. If you had to main any merc for the rest of your life, who would you choose?

Either Pyro or Sniper, actually. While I don't have as many hours on Sniper I think I could play him just as well, and I think both of those are the most versatile for me? Because while I love playing Medic sometimes you just need to go feral and burn shit down but also stand 20 ft away from everyone at all times and I already live in a constant state of anxiety I don't need to play in a constant state of anxiety as Spy.

14. How did you hear about TF2?

I'll be completely honest. I have no fucking idea. I think I just.... somehow saw one of the Meet The Team videos and went HOLY FUCK, combined with my cousin introducing me to the game?

15. Favourite thing about TF2?

Every part about it, it's fun. The game is fun to play, the characters are so interesting and wonderful, the ideas people come up with, the fanart and fanfiction is creative and brilliant. Of course I'm sidestepping around problems like the aimbots and the people with horrifically bad takes, but if you know where to keep yourself, then TF2 is just overall really nice and fun.

19. Loadouts?

OHH BOY OK. I'll go with the ones I have actual loadouts for sjdnjs:

For Pyro I usually have stock Flamethrower (Smalltown Bringdown Mk.II warpaint) or Backburner, Shotgun and The Lollichop for weapons, then Candy Cranium (painted A Deep Commitment To Purple and renamed "no braincells only candy"), Party Hat and The Sub Zero Suit for cosmetics.

For Medic I have the Blutsauger, stock Medi Gun (Night Owl Mk.II warpaint) or Quick-Fix, and Ubersaw (Smissmas Sweater warpaint) for weapons, and some combination of the Dad Maddendoktor, Madmann's Muzzle, Derangement Garment and Pocket-Medes.

For Sniper I have stock Sniper Rifle (Autumn Mk.II warpaint) or the Huntsman, stock SMG and the Shahanshah for weapons, and only Wagga Wagga Wear (painted Mann Co. Orange) for cosmetics :')

For Spy I have the Diamondback, Your Eternal Reward or stock Knife (Seriously Snowed warpaint), either stock Sapper or Red Tape Recorder (I really want the Ap-Sap tho,,) and the Cloak and Dagger for weapons, and........ no cosmetics lmao. I actually put The Spirit Of Giving on him because since I've never given any gifts it shows no heart on it and I just think that's really funny, and I was half tempted to put the Ghostly Gibus that I got while playing Pyro on him just to look like One Of Those Players but I ended up not doing it lmao.

23. Funniest moment while playing TF2?

I don't remember many but I think the best one was playing Medic on 2Fort, sitting in intel with my friend who was playing Engie, and just. somehow managing to mow down like three Scouts with just the Blutsauger because they just kept running at me in a straight line and whatever damage they dealt I healed near instantly. Rip to them but I'm different.

25. Favourite cosmetic? (Any class)

Honestly I love the pocket cosmetics so much. They're so cute!! I would kill for like. Actual pocket plushies in real life. I would like one (1) Pocket Medic please. And a Pocket Pardner. And an Itsy Bitsy Spy-der. Hold them soft and gentle.

26. Favourite voice line? (Any class)

LISTEN I LOVE ALL THE VOICE LINES SO MUCH but NOTHING will compare to like. All of Engie's voice lines. And Medics!! I love both of them. Engie's Bam Pow Bap with the Gunslinger and his I'm wolverine mean you son of a bitch and Medic's GET THEM, RAUS RAUS are such wonderful repeatable statements. Though nothing will be funnier to hear in-game than SPY_PAINCRITICALDEATH03.WAV.

27. Favourite weapons? (Any class)

The Backburner is a really fun weapon to play Pyro with if you're sneaky! Getting around people do deal critical hits 100% of the time is WONDERFUL, but only in certain situations because of the +150% airblast cost :/. I actually wanna try playing with the Thermal Thruster to be able to get behind people easier in open-air maps? And I think Your Eternal Reward is a good knife for Spy if you're like me and can't switch from knife to sapper quick enough to get the Engie and then the Sentry? Plus it works well with the L'Etranger and the Cloak and Dagger (in theory! I don't actually have the gun in-game I only put this together via looking at stats). Also the bows for Sniper are really good too, not just for Medieval Mode. I actually find it easier to use than the actual rifles at times but of course that means you have to get closer to the fight, and therefore closer to death.

[highdwightofmylife]

HOWDY PARDNER, I’m a 4’11 ft tall, pan, 18 yr old trans guy who hasn’t fully transitioned yet. I have brown curly hair, freckles, circle glasses; I’m fond of drawing, halloween, snakes, cats, and horror movies. I’m very quiet (often go unnoticed), alongside having social anxiety, bipolar mood disorder, and a bad case of trust issues. I have trouble showing emotions other than anger and I’m no good with words, but with people I care about I try my best to make them laugh whenever they feel down!

whenever someone says howdy, my automatic response is to scream yeehaw

I match you with… 

The Trapper | Evan MacMillan

Evan is incredibly loyal. Loyalty means everything you him, and once he’s yours, he’ll do everything he can to ensure you know you can trust him with absolutely anything. As long as you can provide the same, he’s the one of the most trustworthy s/o’s you’ll have. 

He likes drawing too! He doesn’t have so much time anymore, but he does find peace in sketching. When he’s sees you drawing, he’ll feel a flutter of nostalgia and he’ll get all warm and smile at you and these are the rare moments where he’ll come up to you completely unannounced and just kiss your forehead for no apparent reason.

He gets the anger. He doesn’t deal with his in the best ways, but he tries to help you vent. If you need someone to take your anger out on, he encourages you to do so on him. He says he can take it, and he probably can. 

God you’re tiny and he adores it. He’s a big guy and the size difference is a huge thing for him. He loves how short you are.

Your anxieties are nothing to him, he doesn’t mind. He gets that you have difficulty and wants to help in any way he can. Whether that’s being your voice when you need it, or just being there for you, he’ll do it. You mean a lot to him.

Nea Karlsson

Nea’s a cat lady and you cannot convince me otherwise. She probably tried to provide food to loads of stray cats back in the normal world. Also thinks snakes are neat.

She likes art, though hers in more of the form of graffiti and tagging. She adores yours though! Might ask if you’ll let her use one of your drawings as a design to tag onto a wall. 

Nea finds it hard to trust other’s too. She hasn’t had the easiest life, and she’s learned to be wary. Once you gain her trust, she’ll stick to you like glue. She’ll absolutely make sure she does nothing to break your trust and firmly believes you’d do the same. 

Adores that you try to cheer her up if she feels down. She sometimes loses herself a little in her head and it’s good that you’re always there to try and help her through it.

Both of you adore horror movies. Y’all can stay up late and binge them. She loves the gorey ones the most. As much as she likes to think she’s really tough, she does jump a lot! She’ll cling to your arm and then get all bashful and deny she did it. 

[jennathearcher]

playlists for my west of loathing characters

bernadette sneaky higgenbotham (beanslinger, honorable, necromancer)

pardner: susie cochrane; horse: samara the pale horse

1. ghost of ohio - andy black 2. rootless - marina and the diamonds 3. chasing twisters - delta rae 4. ain’t it fun - paramore 5. cupid carries a gun - karliene 6. glitter & gold - rebecca ferguson 7. halfway down the stairs - amy lee 8. careful what you pack - they might be giants 9. nothing to remember - neko case 10. word up - the bosshoss 11. dog days are over - florence + the machine 12. i did something bad - shoshana bean ft. cynthia erivo 13. ohio is for lovers - hawthorne heights 14. go! - santigold ft. karen o 15. trouble - pink 16. never give up - sia 17. welcome to the party - diplo, lil pump & zhavia ward ft. french montana 18. lady cowboy - rupaul 19. iko iko - the dixie cups 20. unknown soldier - breaking benjamin

[listen]

olaf killer mctalyn (cow puncher, ruthless, cowrrupted)

pardner: crazy pete; horse: pleakley the crazy horse

1. i’m so humble - the lonely island ft. adam levine 2. red hands - walk off the earth 3. one for the money - escape the fate 4. house of the rising sun - five finger death punch 5. for what it’s worth - buffalo springfield 6. higher - the score 7. kill of the night - gin wigmore 8. way down we go - kaleo 9. i’m so sorry - imagine dragons 10. carpe diem - you me at six 11. where i want to be - josh groban 12. aspiring fires - mother mother 13. kill and run - sia 14. cinderella man - eminem 15. keep on swinging - rival sons 16. raise hell - dorothy 17. dust bowl dance - mumford & sons 18. old fashioned - panic! at the disco 19. what’s up danger - blackway & black caviar 20. talk show host - radiohead

[listen]

shosanna marshal shaffleburg (snake oiler, bounty hunter, kellogg purified)

pardner: doc alice; horse: matilda the dark horse

1. the sound of silence - anna kendrick 2. whales - hail mary mallon 3. the trail we blaze - elton john 4. sunshine, lollipops and rainbows - lesley gore 5. black - kari kimmel 6. paper planes - m.i.a. 7. the climb - miley cyrus 8. hard times - paramore 9. civilian - wye oak 10. what are you waiting for - lindsay lohan 11. no roots - alice merton 12. dangerous woman - ariana grande 13. miss murder - afi 14. kickin’ in - adam lambert 15. bulletproof heart - my chemical romance 16. touch the sky - julie fowlis 17. green - todrick hall 18. ho ho ho - sia 19. zero - imagine dragons 20. rock it for me - caravan palace

[listen]

[sleepisafuckinglie]

The Broke Five being The Broke Five (ft. the avengers)

Shelly: Sometimes people ask me do I even skate...

Shelly: and I'm like *grabs candle from the counter*

Shelly: Do you even skate? *takes a big bite of candle*

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Tony: I look like a hot me-

Kathryn: *breaks through the walls* wHAT DID YOU JUST SAY ABOUT MY DAD YOU LITTLE SHIT-

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Steve: *exists*

Shelly: I'm bout to end this mans whole career

(this quote was made by my @kingbubblebutt (won't let me tag you for some reason) blease go follow them)

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Loa, while in a battle: You've yeed your last haw, pardner.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Herb: You're really molding my cheese sticks, Peter!

Steve: *sobbing* Please, please just say fuck.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Alex, Herb, Kathryn and Shelly: *chasing Flash down the hallway*

Shelly: I'M GONNA STEAL YOUR ARTERIES, YOU LITTLE BITCH-

[drarchibaldpeppermd]

well i done got tagged by the purdiest peach in all these here parts @saltofficial to write down ten of the songs that make me shake my boots. howdy pardner!

Human - Rag’n’Bone

Baby One More Time - Britney (bitch)

Woman (ft. The Dap-Kings Horns) - Kesha

New Rules - Due Lipa

Sorry Not Sorry - Demi Lovato

Galway Girl - Ed Sheeran

Boys - Charli XCX

Hunter - Galantis

Nancy Mulligan - Ed Sheeran

Give It Up - KC & The Sunshine Band

tagging @silly-lioness and @petitdejeune and anyone else that wants to do it

[krissmnasi]

somebody proofread this so that I can turn it in for my English class

The evening sun shone bright across the horizon as a van with the word ‘RED’ painted on it in crimson skidded along the road of the canyon. One of the doors were broken as the other had a cracked window. Two people sat in the front; a scrawny young man no older than 27 and a larger man with hands that nearly crushed the wheel as he drove towards the base. The scrawny young man had half of a headset attached to his hat that had covered his face. Faint snores could be heard as his legs were propped up on the glove compartment.

As a sharp turn had been made, he nearly fell out of his seat and onto the pavement. Static was heard on the radio before it focused on a young woman’s voice.

“You have the intelligence?” “Yeah, yeah, sure, Miss Pauling,” replied Scout, adjusting his hat and getting himself to sit up straight in order to talk to the voice.

“And you left no witnesses?”

“Well, we, uh-”

“We got the briefcase and left no witnesses!” Soldier blurted out, getting himself into the front of the van and holding the blue case in hand. Heavy, the driver, had difficulty steering.

The van drove right into a sheet that mimicked the canyon, wooden cacti sprouting from the ground just as it has safely gotten through.

“You left, like, 6.” A gunshot from the radio could be heard just after the groan of a BLU member.

“5”

“Hey, Miss Pauling, I-” Scout lingered for a while, his bandaged hand on the back of his neck.

“Scout?”

“I was thinkin’ that maybe-uhm”

“Mhm?”

“Are ya free this Saturday?”

“Well, thanks to you I will be burying bodies all Saturday.”

“Oh, uh, right. You’re very busy-everybody’s busy. I mean, like, I’m busy. See you later.”

The call ended with static as it did when it began. Scout got out of the van, both Soldier and Heavy already out by the teleporters. Two people were by a table where two teleporters were, one no taller than 4’3 ft and the other wearing a white coat. Both of them were discussing something related to the blueprint in their hands, a few formulas thrown here and there.

Scout took the keys from the hood of the van, throwing them at the two scientists. One of which had a hard hat as the other had rubber gloves on. One an engineer and the other a doctor. The keys landed on the floor, both of them watching as it flew from Scout’s hand.

“...nice catch”

“Listen, Doc ‘n’ I have been running a few experiments and I think y’all should take a look at this.”

The engineer, otherwise known as Engie, took a loaf of bread and put it in the teleporter. It popped up in the other one, no change to it’s appearance whatsoever.

“You can teleport bread!” Soldier said, looking at the loaf in amazement. Scout merely rolled his eyes. It wasn’t like the teleporters weren’t working before.

“Great, you can teleport bread-” Medic picked it up as Scout spoke, putting the bread into both of his hands.

“Anyways, when’s Demo gonna come back with the-” He tore it in half, revealing green tumours inside of it.

“Holy mother o’ - What is that?!” He held his hands close to his face, right leg coming up in defense.

“Tumours!” Medic said, a bit too excited. He was enjoying Scout’s little moment of fear.

Engie took his hat and held it to his chest, a stern look on his face.

“Y’all know what this means right?”

“We cannot teleport bread anymore!” Soldier held the collar of Engie’s shirt, just beneath his overalls, and pinned him to a wall.

“Settle down, pardner. You can teleport as much bread as you like.”

“So, what does that mean for us?” An Australian accent rose from the shadows, Kukri in one hand and the other stuffed in his pocket. Tall and lanky, with an unclean shave and a five o’clock shadow underneath his eyes.

The room fell silent before it was broken by a familiar french voice.

“How long before these tumours kill us?” he asked, smoking a cigarette without a care in the world.

“Vell, ve all use zhe teleporter about, say, zhree times a day. Times zhat by 20 years, minus ve’re not bread...zhree days. Ve all have zhree days left to live!” Medic made calculations before breaking the truth to them all, Heavy looking down at the sandvich (not to be confused with sandwich) he was eating.

“Woo! Woohoo! Woo…woo?” The teleporter whirred once more, Demoman holding a crate filled with bottles of who-knows-what in his arms. He missed everything that was said. “What?” He looked confused, even more so due to his missing eye. The sombrero he wore didn’t stay on there for long as it fell to the floor, his expression blank at everybody’s response.

The rest of the day was spent on a meeting. Spy had gathered everybody around for their last meeting.

“Gentlemen, in this bucket is the dying wish of every man in this room. Most would say that men like us would live to die in a tragedy. And that is absolutely correct. Scout, I trust that you have collected the cards, yes?” Spy held a bucket, a few cards in the bottom. Scout nodded his head, hiding a snicker behind his hands.

“So, our first wish is from Scout. He’s...drawn a picture of me getting hit by a car.” The card Spy held had the name Scout written on the back. On the front was a comic-styled image of Spy himself getting hit by a car. It cracked Scout up, him letting out a laugh before calming down to allow Spy to pick another card.

“Okay, next one. An image of the Eiffel tower crying-” He threw the card behind his shoulder, picking another. “Me crying at the Eiffel tower- A crab with a butterfly knife- an arrow pointing at me saying ‘French weas-’- Did anybody put a card in except for Scout?!” Spy threw the cards on the ground, almost dropping the cigarette in his mouth.

“You did not read mine!” Soldier handed Spy a card, the name Soldier scribbled on the back.

Spy didn’t read it. He knew what it was going to be.

“Let me guess; you want the bucket?” Spy rolled his eyes, shoving the bucket towards Soldier as he nodded and trotted off with it. The rest had left the room, Spy taking out his disguise kit to place the lighter back where it was.

“See you in hell.”

70 hours until death. Spy was in his private quarters, smoking and drinking a glass of wine. He was always so fancy and death wasn’t something he was afraid of. Why was this day any different from the others? Death was something that he knew would get him soon and, with the job he works, it’s only closer. Why bother with worry?

A knock was heard on the door.

“Go away, I’m busy dying.”

“Spy, it’s Scout.”

Spy flung the door open, allowing Scout to walk in and talk to him face to face.

“Hey, look, I’m sorry ‘bout what happened earlier.”

“Sure, now go away.”

“Spy, I actually did have a last wish.”

“Is it annoying me? Because you’ve already gotten your wish.”

“I want...I want to go on a date with Miss Pauling.”

Spy was in the middle of pouring more wine into his glass, stopping to listen to Scout.

“I’m listening.”

“Okay, this nevah leaves this room. Spy, you’re-...you are bettah than me.” A grin was plastered on Spy’s face, his glass moved to the side to make way for a microphone he had pulled up. He moved the microphone towards Scout, tapping it to hear it echo around the base.

“I will help you. Under one condition.” He moved the mic even closer towards Scout, grinning more.

“Say that again.”

The training room. It had been emptied out by Spy. He had a metal table placed in the middle along with a mannequin, a bucket of chicken, and a rose. Spy stood with the mannequin in his arms, Scout standing by the table.

“Okay, Scout. Seduce me.”

“Wait, what?”

“Seduce me.”

“Spy, I ain’t gonna-”

“Seduce me!”

Scout took a sudden step back, swallowing his spit then picking up the bucket of chicken.

“Hey, I got a bucket o’ chicken. Wanna-” Spy used the mannequin as a puppet, slapping Scout with the wooden hand.

“I am not one of your fried chicken tramps! I am a woman! I like my men bold, dangerous, mysterious. Not this!” He added emphasis on every word, pretending to walk around menacingly as Scout was on the ground with his hand over a red mark on his cheek.

They both smiled at each other, Spy helping Scout up as he dropped the mannequin to the floor.

The next day was spent entirely on teaching Scout how to flirt. It ranged from learning how to use the right fork to being polite which was something Scout wasn’t used to due to his huge ego.

8 hours before death. Scout was seated in a small desk at the middle of the boxing ring, Spy walking around with a cigarette in hand.

“So, tell me, how do you go on a date?”

“Set a date for 7 PM, head to the restaurant no later than 5:30. Go to the kitchen, check on the staff. Are they good? If not, gotta kill ‘em, replace ‘em with my own guys no later than 6:45. Get to her place by 6:50 and knock on the dot.” Spy let out a chuckle, smoking before he looked back down at Scout.

“You are ready.” “Really?” Scout tilted his head, a genuine smile on his face. Spy laughed, Scout going a bit dull.

“Hahahah, no! Everything you just said was ridiculous. Congratulations, you’re a complete failure. I can’t help you.”

Scout tried to get up from his seat but the desk caught on his knee causing him to sit back down and try again. He got close to Spy’s face, pointing a finger directly at his face.

“Ya know what? I don’t need you. I can date her myself. So whydon’tcha take your little failure, roll it sideways, and-” Spy tapped his watch, a smug grin on his face.

“Oh-shoot, I gotta go.” He stepped down only to step back up for a brief moment.

“Screw you tho.”

On his way out of the room, he slapped a red button on the wall which had multiple sticky notes telling him to not. As he did, the lights blared red and sent an alarm around the base.

In no less than twenty minutes, Miss Pauling parked her purple scooter by the base. She threw her helmet down, taking the gun out of her pocket and adjusting the glasses she always wore a little crooked. When she opened the door to the base, Scout was there dressed in his usual rolled up red t-shirt and a fresh haircut.

“Hey, Miss P.”

“Not now, Scout.”

“Might I say you look absolutely, uh-”

Spy hadn’t given up on Scout just yet. He was in the control room, looking at the security cameras.

“Ravishing, you fool. Ravishing!” Spy knew he couldn’t hear him. He just liked being right all of the time.

“-ravishing to-today.” Scout completed his sentence, hand rubbing the back of his neck. Miss Pauling had found out that the intelligence was still there, wiping away fake sweat and letting out a relaxed sigh.

“It’s-still there. Scout, why would you- are you having a...dance?” Looking over his shoulder, Miss Pauling caught a glimpse of what the base living room had been turned into. Scout had decorated it, moved things here and there, to make it look good for when Miss Pauling would come for a date which was what he was doing.

“Yeah-well, uh, just follow me. I was thinkin’ that maybe we could have dinner togetha’ before I die.”

Up in the control room, Medic and Engie walked in. Medic held a jar, a piece of bread suspended by a clear lime liquid.

“Doc ‘n’ I found out that these ‘porter tumours seem to only grow in yeast.” Engie said, relieved at the discovery.

“Ja! And zhey seem to have zhe ability to create life out of zhese loaves of bread.” He shook the jar, the creature coming to life and snarling through the glass.

“So, I’m guessin’ that means we don’t die in about, hm, 4 hours?” Sniper asked, hopeful at the thought. Everybody was in the control room now. Well, except for Scout and Miss Pauling.

Soldier raised his hand and jumped as if he were a child.

“I teleported bread!”

“And how much exactly, ruskie?” “I have done nothing but teleport bread for the last 3 days.”

“And where?”

Scout was by the door to the dining room, proud of what he was doing.

“I’s right ‘ere!” He opened the door, revealing a ginormous creature. Miss Pauling screamed, grabbing Scout’s hand just before running. It had crushed the walls, causing the rest of the team to come down and try to help the best they could.

From here, it was war against 9 mercenaries and a giant loaf of bread. Spy wasn’t fighting. He was looking for Scout.

“Hey, look, I’m sorry about this.”

“Hey, hand me the wrench over there.” Miss Pauling had opened up the payload, looking for a way to destroy the beast. He handed her the wrench, still attempting to explain the situation.

“I sorta maybe was tryna hook up wi’ cha.” He had dodged an arrow that missed coming from Sniper’s huntsman, picking up the arrow from the ground and giving it to her to use as a screwdriver.

“We don’t have time for this, Scout.” “Y’see, that’s what I wanted to talk about. I only have, like 3 hours left an-”

“Scout, give me your watch.” He handed her his watch, the last object telling him exactly when his death was going to be.

“Look, Pauling, I-”

“Push the cart already!” Miss Pauling had her back to the cart, pushing with as much force as possible. Scout obliged, pushed the cart with her.

“Look, I-” the creature had spotted them, Spy taking both of their arms just in time to save them from an attack.

“I see your date is going wonderfully?” His voice yelled sarcasm and so did his expression. Scout jerked his arm out of Spy’s grasp, obviously embarrassed.

“Yeah, yeah, ya jerkwad. It’s obviously going out as-”

“I teleported bread!” Soldier cried out before being thrown from one side of the base to the other. Sniper shot the tentacle to let Soldier go.

“Okay, we still have the bomb. That’s-that’s okay! Because we can just-find a way to get it there.” Miss Pauling held the makeshift bomb in her hand, part of it made out of Scout’s watch.

“Run!” Spy had paid attention to the monster, running with both of their arms in his gloved hands. Just as he had reached the gates, he jumped in. However, the bread creature had thrown the payload on it. Scout and Miss Pauling were trapped.

They huddled close, Scout using his body as a shield.

Time froze for Scout. He saw Archimedes, Medic’s pet dove, fly from the creature’s mouth and off to freedom. Scout got an idea.

He took the bomb from Miss Pauling, held her in his arms, and closed his eyes.

0 hours to death.

The creature was cut open by Medic's bonesaw, not caring in the slightest about accidentally cutting Scout.

“Wait-I’m-I’m not dead?” Scout went wide eyed, looking at one hand then the other.

“But-but-but, whadabout the tumours?”

“Good news, son! We will live forever!” Soldier, in his all-american cheer, pulled Scout and Miss Pauling out.

“I never said zhat! I just said zhat ve veren’t filled viz tumours.” Medic chimed in, petting Archimedes.

Miss Pauling brushed her now slimy hair, throwing some of the substance to the ground.

“That-”

“I know. Was the worst date ev-”

“Was amazing! You pressed the button and I got worried then I got here and you were having a prom? But we fought that monster and we won and I think my leg may be broken but who cares! Wanna do that again sometime?” She was going a million miles a second, excited in every word.

“Y-yeah, sure. When?”

“Well, uh, this was sort of my only day off. But tomorrow you can come help me on some missions The Administrator set for me.”

“Sure.”

“Well, tomorrow, I gotta bury a few bodies.”

“Pass.”

“You can help me get some australium.”

“Nah.”

“Oh, then you can come along with me on Wednesday. I have to kill a guy who faked the intelligence getting stolen and- oops. You’re already going to be there.”

“Ha ha, really funny.”

[jesusvasser]

One Week With: 2019 Jeep Grand Cherokee Trackhawk

These are wild times we’re living in, pardner. The burnout smoke from the ongoing horsepower war still hangs heavy on the 1/4-mile tarmac, and American cars are only getting beefier and meaner. Heaven forbid you try to impress any God-fearing American with a V-8 putting out less than 600 hp. Haven’t you heard? 450 hp is the new 300, and 300 is for the Europeans.

Leave those candy-colored coupes to the youngsters. Nowadays, you’ve got boats to haul and (grand)kids to shuttle. Forget the four-door Charger SRT Hellcat, you’ve got a gravel path leading up to that south Florida McMansion–you need­ four-wheel-drive. Fuel economy? Who cares?! Let those Tesla-driving hipsters in California worry about it.

No, you, a true patriot, drive a 2019 Jeep Grand Cherokee Trackhawk. Screw the status quo—push the envelope of normalcy to the point of splitting. In 2018 a 707-hp Jeep is not only unsurprising, it’s also almost conventional. The precedent for this power-mad dystopia was set back in 2011 at the debut of the second-generation of Grand Cherokee SRT, and again in 2014 when the Hellcat twins dropped. Now we’re caught in an accelerated game of “Yes, and…what’s next?” where we Americans firmly believe we deserve more than 400 hp in an SUV. Don’t worry, undoubtedly future versions of the Trackhawk will receive the new Redeye package, likely boosting power to the 797-hp mark. When the time comes, you’d better upgrade, lest someone think you’re weak for a nanosecond.

Or, maybe, just be glad we’re able to enjoy cars and trucks like the Trackhawk before things go south for internal combustion

In terms of outright power, the Trackhawk is king of the performance SUVs—for now. That 6.2-liter supercharged Hellcat V-8 is as vicious as ever, now hooked up to four-wheel-drive for gnarly mid-three-second 0-60-mph sprints that edge out even the Challenger/Charger Hellcat twins. No more feathering the throttle here; this is point-and-squirt at its best, excellent for dusting Mustang GTs and Volkswagen GTIs at stoplights regulating rough city streets.

It’s very shouty, but it’s equally stealthy, even with big-ass yellow calipers, blacked-out exterior trim, and the ever-present lub-lub-lub engine lope. I pulled up next to a car-minded couple who live in my area, and had a conversation through the open window without them ever once asking why in the world my family-friendly Jeep made such a racket.

It’s not too shabby on curvy mountain roads either, as far as mid-size SUVs go. The Trackhawk certainly handles better than it has to, considering this bruiser prioritizes a low quarter-mile time rather than tire-ripping cornering speeds. It’s refreshingly honest, even in an age where you can roll up to an Alfa Romeo dealer and drive away in a Stelvio Quadrifoglio crossover that cracked a 7-minute, 51-second lap on the Nurburgring.

The Trackhawk is every bit as fun as a muscle car—better, even. With a focus set for stoplight digs, you wouldn’t expect it to remain composed on the ever-curvaceous Angeles Crest Highway, but you’d be surprised. This is the fourth SRT product I’ve driven up that mountain in recent times, and short of the Challenger Hellcat Widebody, good luck leaving a Trackhawk behind in a family race. It’s not as hunkered-down and flat-cornering as most German performance SUVs, but that meaty four-wheel-drive system works in tandem with the stability control to keep things under control, and it’s mostly effective. Don’t push too hard, though, as this is still 5,300 pounds on stilts. As a result, because the traction and stability control work hard to keep things pointed in the right direction, there’s a chance the brake pedal goes soft within a few turns if you’re not careful.

Back on city streets, it’s got that same dual-purpose cruiser capability possessed by most muscle cars that makes them so well suited for American roads. Only in this case, your trip won’t be sidelined by inclement weather, extra luggage, or washed-out cabin trails. Your ears and butts won’t be blown-out, either; even with that 6.2-liter screamer, it settles down to a dull rumble when you pootle around town, and the ride is supple enough once forced into comfort mode. It’s genuinely one of the best all-arounders available, despite its unrelenting thirst. Around town, the EPA expects 11 mpg, and that’s if you treat it with kid gloves.

Of course, all this absurdity comes with a similarly absurd price tag of $88,145. Fully loaded, the Trackhawk will set you back a smidge more than $100,000. That’s a lump of cash, but it’ll cost you the same six-figures for a base-spec BMW X5 M, and roughly $20,000 more to set foot in a stripper Porsche Cayenne Turbo. Even then, both the Porsche and the BMW will have their chrome trim blown right off by a Trackhawk in a head-to-head sprint.

In the end, that’s all you should really hope from a 707-hp SUV. It’s not meant for corners, and that’s part of its identity—something sorely missing from other hyperspeed haulers. The Trackhawk makes no bones about its red-blooded muscle-car identity, and that’s what sets it apart.

2019 Jeep Grand Cherokee Trackhawk

ON SALE: Now

PRICE: $87,695 (base)

ENGINE: 6.2L OHV 16-valve supercharged V-8/707 hp @ 6,000 rpm, 645 lb-ft @ 4,800 rpm

TRANSMISSION: 8-speed automatic

LAYOUT: 4-door, 5-passenger, front-engine, 4WD SUV

EPA MILEAGE: 11/17 mpg (city/hwy)

L x W x H: 189.8 x 76.5 x 67.9 in

WHEELBASE: 114.7 in

WEIGHT: 5,363 lb

0-60 MPH: 3.5 sec

TOP SPEED: 180 mph

The post One Week With: 2019 Jeep Grand Cherokee Trackhawk appeared first on Automobile Magazine.

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[jesusvasser]

One Week With: 2019 Jeep Grand Cherokee Trackhawk

These are wild times we’re living in, pardner. The burnout smoke from the ongoing horsepower war still hangs heavy on the 1/4-mile tarmac, and American cars are only getting beefier and meaner. Heaven forbid you try to impress any God-fearing American with a V-8 putting out less than 600 hp. Haven’t you heard? 450 hp is the new 300, and 300 is for the Europeans.

Leave those candy-colored coupes to the youngsters. Nowadays, you’ve got boats to haul and (grand)kids to shuttle. Forget the four-door Charger SRT Hellcat, you’ve got a gravel path leading up to that south Florida McMansion–you need­ four-wheel-drive. Fuel economy? Who cares?! Let those Tesla-driving hipsters in California worry about it.

No, you, a true patriot, drive a 2019 Jeep Grand Cherokee Trackhawk. Screw the status quo—push the envelope of normalcy to the point of splitting. In 2018 a 707-hp Jeep is not only unsurprising, it’s also almost conventional. The precedent for this power-mad dystopia was set back in 2011 at the debut of the second-generation of Grand Cherokee SRT, and again in 2014 when the Hellcat twins dropped. Now we’re caught in an accelerated game of “Yes, and…what’s next?” where we Americans firmly believe we deserve more than 400 hp in an SUV. Don’t worry, undoubtedly future versions of the Trackhawk will receive the new Redeye package, likely boosting power to the 797-hp mark. When the time comes, you’d better upgrade, lest someone think you’re weak for a nanosecond.

Or, maybe, just be glad we’re able to enjoy cars and trucks like the Trackhawk before things go south for internal combustion

In terms of outright power, the Trackhawk is king of the performance SUVs—for now. That 6.2-liter supercharged Hellcat V-8 is as vicious as ever, now hooked up to four-wheel-drive for gnarly mid-three-second 0-60-mph sprints that edge out even the Challenger/Charger Hellcat twins. No more feathering the throttle here; this is point-and-squirt at its best, excellent for dusting Mustang GTs and Volkswagen GTIs at stoplights regulating rough city streets.

It’s very shouty, but it’s equally stealthy, even with big-ass yellow calipers, blacked-out exterior trim, and the ever-present lub-lub-lub engine lope. I pulled up next to a car-minded couple who live in my area, and had a conversation through the open window without them ever once asking why in the world my family-friendly Jeep made such a racket.

It’s not too shabby on curvy mountain roads either, as far as mid-size SUVs go. The Trackhawk certainly handles better than it has to, considering this bruiser prioritizes a low quarter-mile time rather than tire-ripping cornering speeds. It’s refreshingly honest, even in an age where you can roll up to an Alfa Romeo dealer and drive away in a Stelvio Quadrifoglio crossover that cracked a 7-minute, 51-second lap on the Nurburgring.

The Trackhawk is every bit as fun as a muscle car—better, even. With a focus set for stoplight digs, you wouldn’t expect it to remain composed on the ever-curvaceous Angeles Crest Highway, but you’d be surprised. This is the fourth SRT product I’ve driven up that mountain in recent times, and short of the Challenger Hellcat Widebody, good luck leaving a Trackhawk behind in a family race. It’s not as hunkered-down and flat-cornering as most German performance SUVs, but that meaty four-wheel-drive system works in tandem with the stability control to keep things under control, and it’s mostly effective. Don’t push too hard, though, as this is still 5,300 pounds on stilts. As a result, because the traction and stability control work hard to keep things pointed in the right direction, there’s a chance the brake pedal goes soft within a few turns if you’re not careful.

Back on city streets, it’s got that same dual-purpose cruiser capability possessed by most muscle cars that makes them so well suited for American roads. Only in this case, your trip won’t be sidelined by inclement weather, extra luggage, or washed-out cabin trails. Your ears and butts won’t be blown-out, either; even with that 6.2-liter screamer, it settles down to a dull rumble when you pootle around town, and the ride is supple enough once forced into comfort mode. It’s genuinely one of the best all-arounders available, despite its unrelenting thirst. Around town, the EPA expects 11 mpg, and that’s if you treat it with kid gloves.

Of course, all this absurdity comes with a similarly absurd price tag of $88,145. Fully loaded, the Trackhawk will set you back a smidge more than $100,000. That’s a lump of cash, but it’ll cost you the same six-figures for a base-spec BMW X5 M, and roughly $20,000 more to set foot in a stripper Porsche Cayenne Turbo. Even then, both the Porsche and the BMW will have their chrome trim blown right off by a Trackhawk in a head-to-head sprint.

In the end, that’s all you should really hope from a 707-hp SUV. It’s not meant for corners, and that’s part of its identity—something sorely missing from other hyperspeed haulers. The Trackhawk makes no bones about its red-blooded muscle-car identity, and that’s what sets it apart.

2019 Jeep Grand Cherokee Trackhawk

ON SALE: Now

PRICE: $87,695 (base)

ENGINE: 6.2L OHV 16-valve supercharged V-8/707 hp @ 6,000 rpm, 645 lb-ft @ 4,800 rpm

TRANSMISSION: 8-speed automatic

LAYOUT: 4-door, 5-passenger, front-engine, 4WD SUV

EPA MILEAGE: 11/17 mpg (city/hwy)

L x W x H: 189.8 x 76.5 x 67.9 in

WHEELBASE: 114.7 in

WEIGHT: 5,363 lb

0-60 MPH: 3.5 sec

TOP SPEED: 180 mph

The post One Week With: 2019 Jeep Grand Cherokee Trackhawk appeared first on Automobile Magazine.

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