#fuck I just wanted a cool religious zealot

[space-blue]

Hi, I'm not sure if you've talked about this before and it might be silly to ask this, but I'm curious about your opinion:

There was a scene that surprised me quite a bit in episode 6 when Vi escapes. Initially, Silco was sitting calmly, and then boom! Everything explodes. It's understandable, but it's strange because Silco has always reacted in a cautious and calm manner, except for one time in episode 3 when he was talking to Vander. After that, he has been someone who knows how to stay calm. I've seen people say that Silco's reaction is because he's a megalomaniac who doesn't like anything being out of his control, but I don't think that's the case. I think it's something more complex. I see Silco as someone who internalizes everything to maintain control or appears to have it, keeping his thoughts and emotions to himself. That's why you see Silco exhaling or releasing tension before and after meeting with his associates, but I might be wrong. Anyway, I'd like to know what you think is the reason for Silco's actions.

And I'm sorry if I made a mistake in my grammar, I don't speak English very well

Hello anon! Thank you for reaching out and asking me this question... It sends me back to my Arcane meta days with a big smile on my face.

But honestly, I don't know who looks at Silco in that episode, having finished the story, and thinks he screams because he's megalomaniac. Not only does this not go with the rest of his character, it just fails to comprehend his character arc.

Silco doesn't want power. He wants freedom, and he wants his mission to realise itself. Silco has more of a religious fervour to him. He's a zealot. He speaks of the 'Nation of Zaun' with an air of rapture. He believes it, lives only for it. Just because we may not like his ways doesn't change that. I mean look at this guy :

#fully lost in the sauce

A character who really wants power would be Finn. We see him fallen to the trappings of wealth, plotting to uproot Silco from his position. Finn never shows any care for the cause. He only cares about supplanting Silco.

If Silco truly cared about power, then why is he still leaving down deep, on top of a night club? If he's a megalomaniac, why are his list of conditions for Jayce not covering him, but demanding amnesty for his people and equal access to the Gate for commerce?

No. Silco isn't a megalomaniac. He definitely wants to be in control, but that's hardly surprising for a leader. We also only ever know Silco at crazy important moments of his life, where his plans are running wildly or exploding in his face. It's not exactly every day Silco.

Most of the people we see him interacting with also tell us things : of course he needs to be ruthless and in control while facing Marcus. That man would lash out at the slightest show of weakness. Same with the other chembarons, who actively turn on him after the factory attack (that makes him look weak).

Silco isn't a control freak to be a jackass. He's like that because he's a Zaunite, and a Zaunite in a dangerous position of power. He's shaped by his environment too.

Anyway, why does he lose his cool in episode 6?

It's actually a very short answer! It's because of Jinx.

Jinx is his everything. Across my many meta posts I covered how codependent they are. How she physically abuses him, yet he never reaches out with any force towards her. The most violent he is, is after she nearly ruined his life plans and won't listen, and all he does is snatch a pen from her hand to make her pay attention.

They exchange caresses, rest against each other. He keeps her gifts on his official desk and actively uses them. And in the end, he can't accept her mortality, and sacrifices everything he's suffered and fought for his entire sad, fucking miserable life, because he loves her more than his cause.

So why does Silco lose it? Because Vi is alive, Vi is looking for Jinx, and Vi is the only person who could actively take Jinx away from him.

I mean like a day or two prior Jinx lost her shit and nearly killed Sevika because she saw a pink haired girl. Silco takes her to the pilt to try and soothe her and put her demons behind her, the only way he knows how. And then she happily gets to work! She's doing well!

But Silco isn't dumb. He knows Jinx is unstable and unpredictable. And finding Sevika hung like a ham from the ceiling? With a broken arm? Yeah, he knows she knows, and she's pissed... And he KNOWS that he just told her that VI IS DEAD. Which he 100% believed! Since when Sevika tell him about Vi being back he's like "From the dead???" in total horror and disbelief.

Marcus completely blindsided him, and it's a race against time now.

A race in which if Vi lives and finds Jinx... His Jinx, the only person he thinks he has... The girl he loves more than his cause, even if he hasn't fully realised it yet... Might hate him. She might decide to leave him.

Then he'd be alone again. And uhm... IDK if you all noticed but like... Silco isn't exactly a picture of clean mental health either. He's trauma ridden, set in very harsh ways, and has a solid spark of paranoia (which has kept him alive, but also isolated).

So the Silco screaming and spitting and kicking is a Silco who thinks that potentially everything will be fucked up now. He's stressed about the developing situation (the one where he asked his unstable daughter to basically make a nuke with stolen uranium, while juggling an increasingly strained sheriff and actively traitorous colleagues), AND the potential idea of his ONE person, his one broken, fucked up, twisted emotional bond, potentially being ripped from him.

Last time that happened, Vander was trying to drown him.

So he's just in a Bad Place™️

Cut the poor man some slack ahaha. I think it's normal that the mask finally cracks and reveals his emotions.

Silco isn't a cold character! His speech to Vander shows his zealotry and his passion! He has a dark humour too, and is aggressive and bitter when cornered. Silco wears a mask of cool professionalism when it's convenient, which is very often, as a leader in the undercity. But he also shows lots of emotions whenever suits.

I don't think you can be a cold character and stay riveted on your insane freedom fight for like 20+ years. He's got a big fire burning in there, and the scene in episode 6 is the proof of how hot it gets when he thinks he's about to lose it all. All your examples of him 'reining it in' are great too! He clearly has strong emotions. He just manages them a lot.

I hope this answers your question! AAaaaahhhh look at me, I just went and gushed, didn't I?

Thanks a lot Anon. And your English is better than some native speakers I know, so don't worry! <3

[wolfblood-of-anubis]

DOES NO ELSE KNOW THAT VICTOR AND JEROME WERE ON GAME OF THRONES?!

That’s right, folks, Francis Magee aka Victor Rodenmaar Jr. was on Game of Thrones, he played Yoren in S1-S2, a brother of the Night’s Watch and a recruiter for them as well. He made easy friends with Tyrion Lannister, Robb and Ned Stark, and eventually Arya Stark. He got along with Tyrion due to the fact that unlike his comrades, Yoren had a sense of humor. Imagine Victor but cool. And later on *spoilers if you haven’t seen the show*

when Ned’s put in public for execution and Arya managed to escape the Lannister guards, he sees her in the crowd and nods his head to Yoren to try to get her to safety. He does. And he holds her close and shields her ears when her father is executed.

Immediately after he cuts off Arya’s hair and instructs her to pretend to be a boy called Arry for her own safety whilst they travel back to the North. He planned on taking her to her brother Robb who became the current Lord of Winterfell following their father’s death.

Yoren is also the one to give Arya the idea for her infamous ‘list’. Her own hit list of people she’s planning on killing which she recites every night before going to sleep. It becomes so important to her ritual that she can’t even sleep before reciting it completely.

and as for Eugene Simon aka Jerome Clarke? He played Lancel Lannister, a cousin of Cersei, Jaime, and Tyrion Lannister for S1-2, and S5-6.

He originally was just King Robert’s cup bearer and I think he was his squire? Can’t remember fully but I do know that whilst Jaime was out of King’s Landint, Lancel was the one keeping Cersei satisfied if you know what I mean. And yes, they’re cousins, and Cersei fucks her brother Jaime, this isn’t brand new or quite shocking, it’s pretty standard GoT. He’s even involved for killing the king as he kept supplying him with wine and alcohol during a hunt, a boar got to him and he couldn’t drunkenly defend himself.

Then he gets blackmailed by Tyrion for a bit S2 for fucking Cersei. Gets kicked back home too by the end I’m pretty sure. though we get to see him in armor for a bit:

Then comes back on S5 looking like this:

He becomes a very religious zealot as he believes he is ‘redeemed’ in the eyes of their gods, the Seven and he just gets very faith involved, even trying to ask Cersei, the Queen Mother, to absolve her sins by being honest about her incest with him (and her brother). She laughs him off very easily and even tries to use the other followers that the new Septon, the High Sparrow, has accumulated to her own gains by getting rid of her sons new wife, Margaery Tyrell, by having her brother Loras arrested for sleeping with men.

By S6 it gets progressively worse, not only did Cersei get what she wanted, her son’s wife, Margaery, gets taken away as well because she knew her brother was involved with men and ‘did not inform the church of these indiscretions’ so she has also sinned. But then Cersei gets a taste of her own medicine and she gets imprisoned too as Lancel has told the High Sparrow everything and he even gets this fucking carving on his forehead.

Cersei gets her revenge in a big way if you’ve seen the show.

[queer-and-dear-books]

Title: Into The Light

Author: Mark Oshiro

Genre: Sci-fi? | Friendship | Romance | LGBTQ+

Content Warnings: Homophobia | Conversion Therapy | Abuse | Sexual Assault | Grooming

Overall Rating: 8.6/10

Personal Opinion: As always with Mark Oshiro, you can expect grim reality mixing with the most powerful kindness you’ve ever read about. This time, we venture into the world of a corrupt foster care system and grooming by religious zealots. It’s scary but absolutely worth reading about. Manny has been through hell. He lost his sister, he was abandoned, he’s been preyed on, but still he found some light in the form of a kind family, the Varelas. This journey that he takes us on is emotional and raw and it deserves to be brought into the light.

Do I Own This Book? Nope.

Spoilers Below For My Likes & Dislikes:

Likes:

- If nothing else, I found this very entertaining. The twist that Manny and Eli were once one and the same was pretty obvious but it was set up so well. Eli’s chapters were few and far in between at the start. He said he resembles Elena in his first chapter. And the big clue was when Carlos saw Eli in one of Deacon’s videos and thought it was Manny and yet Manny could not remember being in it. It’s wild. It’s crazy. Am I not entertained? I am. I thought it was some sort of repression or amnesia though, I was not anticipating Manny to have somehow split into two. That is so disturbing. I am so perturbed. It’s great.

- The kindness of the Varelas made me emotional at times. I mean, they were already living out of a van, driving around to find kids that were ejected from their church and providing all of them with means of living and I love that. But then they went out of their way to protect Manny, a stranger, from Stan, an old pervert. And then they proceeded to continue helping him for a whole month. I just love Monica and Ricardo so damn much. They protected Carlos too and I have so much respect for them. Even if they made their mistakes, they’re out here atoning in the best way possible.

- Manny’s reluctance to trust even the Varelas was totally reasonable. After everything he went through and after what he did to them (stealing their money and their son’s iPad), I get why he felt like he couldn’t stay with them. I’m glad that he changed and realized his sister was right about one thing. He does choose to be miserable. Not anymore. The ending, where he chose to be happy and chose Carlos’s family was just so sweet.

- Oh also, the other twist with Rakeem showing up in the end. Oh my god, for a second, I thought Rakeem was the dead body. I truly thought Eli was alive. It was written so well to make you think it was Rakeem because at this point, we had no idea Eli “came out” of Manny. We didn't know that supernatural shit was going on! So that twist was a gut punch and a great one.

- Manny having a crush on both Carlos and Ricardo is so hilarious and also so me-coded. I too would have a crush on my love interest and his dad. But the budding romance between Manny and Carlos was so sweet. I could feel the way they cared about each other in those little touches and night time conversations. And the way they could both relate to that feeling of abandonment but wanting to be close to each other anyway is so good. I love when touch-starved individuals find each other.

- It’s implied that Elena burns Reconciliation down to the ground and honestly? Good. I hope it never rises from the ashes again. I also hope that Deacon and the Sullivans had burned with it. God, they were so fucking creepy.

Dislikes:

- I’m going to be honest, I’m not sure how I feel about the supernatural aspect of this story. I mean, it’s cool and unexpected, don’t get me wrong, but it also felt wildly out of place. It reads like a CreepyPasta. And it’s also sort of glossed over? No one really questions it. I mean, the proof is right there I guess but like still, it’s a wild supernatural occurrence in a non-supernatural setting.

- Fuck Deacon and Lester and Stan and anyone else who preys on the most vulnerable. Children. It was disgusting to read about but unfortunately very real. 

- I’m also so disturbed by Diana and Elena. Diana for basically being a bystander and giving kids away to Deacon’s families with no proper background checks. And Elena for falling for all of Deacon’s bullshit so easily. Yes, she is a victim in this too, but my god, the way she did everything the Thompsons asked of her without question was just bad.

- These are all necessary evils for the story to take place so I can give them all a pass. 

- I’m going to be honest (again), I expected so much worse from the conversion camp. Not that it wasn’t awful. Mrs. Thompson backhanding Rakeem in the face and Deacon reading their darkest secrets out loud was fucked up. But I think I was expecting things closer to torture because of the way Manny dodged so many of the Varelas’ questions and the way Carlos said, “They never should’ve done that to you. They never should’ve done that to me either.” I don’t know, I was just holding my breath for something horrendous and then when we saw what happened, it just… wasn’t so bad to me? Or wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been. Again, it is very bad. I was just bracing myself for the worst.

- Oh god, is Simone okay? I just realized she’s still with the man that raped her and forced her to get an abortion. Somebody save her because oh my god, I legit gagged at that. Well… at least Maddie and a few others are okay.

[theangryjikooker]

get the basics out of the way

Who are you? A Jikooker who's angry. I come off abrasive and not everyone’s cup of tea. Maybe not anyone, I’m practically unpleasant. I’m not here to be liked, but if you want to be mildly entertained or looking to have your brain jiggled around by truth bombs about human behavior because nothing makes sense and you’re almost-angry and don’t want to rock the boat of your fellow brethren, I am but your mouthpiece. Hear me roar.

Why? Because a lot of Jikookers are getting annoying as fuck with their wild overanalytical tendencies and the shamelessness in presuming Jikook are ACTUALLY dating. It's not even a joke to them, it's like a religious belief, and it's fucking weird.

Do YOU think Jikook are dating? I think they’re close. I think their brand of closeness can sometimes be unusual or interesting from an observer’s standpoint, but I’m in no position to affirm or claim they’re dating. That is breaching asshole levels of arrogance.

Not all of us are obsessed and insane. Cool, then nothing I say should offend you. If you’re removed enough to separate reality from fiction, you would be virtually incapable of getting offended.

What is your goal? To vent and let my sarcastic rainbow stardust fly free. God forbid I share my opinions on Twitter and let the Jikooker hive mind ~*cancel*~ me because I don't agree with their bullshit all the time. Staying silent in the presence of zealots is intensely crippling, per Psychology 101.

You must be homophobic. If this is your knee-jerk response to critiques that don't align with your nonsense, you don’t deserve an ounce of respect. But if you persist, then it's clear you just want to fight. I aim to please.

Are you secretly a Taekooker? For the love of all things miserably holy, shut up. Just because I don't agree with every insane analysis that people shit out, it doesn't mean I'm a Taekook mole. Who even has that kind of energy and time?! I like them enough, but Jikook has the dynamic that warms the cockles of my dead heart. Ya happy?

(Some) Taekookers are just as toxic, why don’t you vent about them? Only if I have a reason to? I’m not as entrenched in their community as I am with Jikook, so I’m not going to be exposed as much to their content unless I unwillingly come across them. If I have to bitch about something a Taekooker said, I guarantee you that I didn’t seek them out on purpose, and I’m probably going to draw parallels to an equally absurd thing a Jikooker said. Both sides have toxic shippers from hell, but I’m not about to invite myself into the opposing wolves’ den for shits and giggles. I’m pissed off, not dumb.

Why do you have it out for (toxic) Jikookers? BECAUSE WE ARE BETTER THAN THIS. Or should be. Evidently, I have high expectations for humanity, but this has unfortunately been my undoing.

You’re very negative/your blog is negative. Toxic shippers are my villain origin story.

You’re a coward, let us know who you are. Wah wah wah, okay jikookluvr4ever (if this is an actual username, I’m sorry). As if the Internet isn’t a vortex of anonymity. Watch me roll my eyes straight out of my head if you missed the obvious sign of how much I do not care.

Are there any Jikookers you DO like? Yeah, but I won’t drag them into my bitch-a-thon without their consent. Even if I have nice things to say about them, my posts are inherently not going to be because I’m sick of being nice about Jikookers who are permanently armed with torches and pitchforks. Happy, positive blogs should stay happy.

What are your credentials? I have a friend of a friend who’s a native Korean and can testify on my behalf that everything I say has merit because they’re Korean and represent the entire Korean population with their interpretations of their language, cultural nuances, and politics, and they agree with me. It’s so convenient, I know, but trust me because they’re gay too. If that doesn’t satisfy you, I’ve also been married for over a decade and know SO MUCH about relationships because I’ve been married for over a decade and can vouch for every other couple’s relationship in the world because I’m MARRIED and have all the experience in the world, and wouldn’t you know it, my partner and I relate so much to Jikook in the early stages of our relationship, so I can tell you, FACTUALLY, that they are super duper mega real. For fuck’s sake.

[haruhey]

chronological thoughts of 11x13

- lydia just wants to be with her dad

- that’s daryl, if i haven’t been clear enough

- SHOOT YOUR SHOT ELIJAH OH MY GOD

- oh my god is this to threaten maggie into joining omg omg

- what the fuck is going on me too lydia what the hell

- I LOVE LYDIA GIVE HER A LEAD EPISODE LIKE SHE DESERVES

- this greenscreen work is so bad omg

- keep your eyes on the road omg maggie

- lydia period

- KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD MAGGIE

- oh my god this is giving that specific trauma of talking to your parents in the car and then getting into an argument but you cant leave because you’re in a car and now the atmosphere is uncomfortable and you move your legs so they angle the door instead of towards them and you want to cry

- I FORGOT ELIJAH WAS THERE OMG

- I TOLD YOU EYES ON THE FUCKING ROAD MAGGIE

- is someone gonna steal their car

- omg i fully forgot gabriel was actually a priest

- omg that one girl is like period yes father gabriel

- aaron and gabriel besties

- guys i can’t do more characters guys stop

- oh god carlson reminds me of this high school calculus substitute teacher i had one time

- ooo gabriel fuck him up

- no nvm carlson is so much meaner than she was

- oh yeah they’re so prepared

- THAT SCYTHE IS FUCKING HUGE WHAT THE HELL IS THIS MAKA SOUL EATER DWMA SHIT

- this place looks like a fucking cult omg

- not another religious zealot omg

- oh my god what the fuck is this dude saying omg

- AARON’S GOT A FUCKING IPHONE

- he’s giving me michael keaton from the snl easter skit like the one where he has a wig on and he has that egg basket

- oh wow

- okay wow uh cool uh okay uh yeah uh huh

- he looks like woody harrelson too

- he also kinda sounds woody harrelson

- omg they’re just berating him

- stinky loser slay aaron and gabriel

- WHAT THE FUCK?? WHAT THE FUCK CARLSON??

- hornsby is gonna lose it huh

- omg they’re ASSASSINS? wtf is this shit

- hornsby and carlson should kiss

- OH MY GOD HE ACTUALLY IS AN ASSASSIN

- there is so much sexual tension between those two what the fuck is this simon and gregory shit

- they’ll fall in line everyone does 🙄🙄🙄

- WHAT THE FUCK

- WHAT WHAT WHAT NEGAN WHAT THE FUCK WHAT HELLO WHAT THE HELL

- YOU ASK FOR MAGGIE AND NO ONE ELSE

- negan redemption arc wait does he live here

- OH MY GOD GABRIEL RESCUE MISSION

- oh my fucking god this episode is

- oh my god

- OH MY GOD

- i hate this i hate this so fucking much

- kill them please kill them please do it kill them

- CAROL ON A MISSION NEXT WEEK SCREAMING CRYING SHITTING PISSING CUMMING THROWING UP

- not angela calling carlson someone who reads self-help 😭😭😭

- how is his screen not cracked tho

- DONT FLASHBACK TO THE DAY WILL COME WHEN YOU WONT BE

- omg wait i’m rlly excited for next week

[misskittysmagicportal]

I’m A Creep

Fandom: The Messenger Jack x Rin Davies

Word Count: 5k

Warnings: suicide discussion, oral sex, penetration, mention of masturbation, angsty whomp because OOOOF is Jack a Whomp!character

Note: The events of this fic contain spoilers for those of you who havent seen The Messenger.  It takes place after the end of the movie.  Read at your own risk if you haven’t seen it!  If you want it’s free on Tubi :)

Present Day:

Jack stood beside Rin in the dead of night watching her sleep for just a moment. Only a moment because she roused the instant she sensed him breathe. Sitting up, she quickly reached inside the nightstand. He knew her routine, Rin was impulsive about making sure her leather motorcycle gloves were on before she let him in.

Jack wordlessly pulled his shirt over his head and stepped out of his sweatpants and boxers. 

Rin lifted her covers and opened her legs to him. Obliging, Jack lowered himself onto her showering her neck with kisses. His tongue and lips trailing down along her collarbone, erection hard against her thigh. A hand found its way under Rin’s t-shirt and over a naked breast where he pinched at a nipple. 

“Jack,” she was breathless. “Stop. Don't touch my skin, please.”

Jack pushed himself up by the arms, “How is this enjoyable to you, duck?” A northern term of endearment. “My thighs ah touchin’ you aren't they?” The moonlight caught his eyes as he teased her with the head of his cock. “What about this, inside you?” Suggestively whispered. 

Rin moaned but held her cool. “It’s not the same. Like you said, that's inside. It's just my.. skin. From my..” her voice trailed off. 

“Would it be so bad? I just want to feel you under me without fuckkin clothes.” Jack took a chance and kissed her. Tongue pushing inside of Rin, but she stiffened. “Sweetheart,” now he whispered, just his fingertips brushed her cheek. “Please, love, just touch me”

--------

Several Weeks Before:

Rin sat alone at a center table in the middle of the visitation room.  This wasn’t her first rodeo, probably won’t be her last.  She flexed her hands outwards the leather of her gloves cracking and flexing in a satisfying manner.  No one was going to come and see her. Besides, the solitude allowed her to quietly spy on all the other nutters around the room.

Just to her left Rin noticed a pretty redheaded woman and her son as they sat across from probably the most attractive guy ever in an institution.  There was a tenseness to the way he sat, shoulders hunched and hands between his legs.  His hair unruly and a blank stare that wasn’t really focusing on- she came to realize-  his sister and nephew.  Rin knew him from group therapy where he was equally quiet, eyes glassy from a psych med cocktail.  The majority of his speaking hours tucked away in that overbearing therapist’s office.  

“Jack, will you please just look at me?” his sister, Emma tried her best to reach out to her brother. “I.. I think Martin and I made a mistake.” 

Jack only stared straight ahead between Emma and his nephew, Billy. The preteen looked uncomfortable and scared as his mother nudged him softly. “It's ok. Billy tell Uncle Jack.” 

“I did, Mom” , his voice quiet. “I'm supposed to say no. That you should get me help before it's too late.”  Rin watched as Billy folded his arms and laid his head down. “Only I can't. It's all night and day, Jack. I can't sleep because they don't have you.” 

“Best leave him here with me then, Emma.” It was the first time anyone heard Jack speak in weeks. His sister had a posh accent, so Rin was surprised when Yorkshire dripped from his lips. “For good, right?” 

“That's not fair. You are sick, Jack.  You weren't caring for yourself. You.. you got too involved with that murder. You were hurting yourself,” Emma struggled with tears. “I want to take you home.”

“Oh like I'm some kind of fookin dog? Emma you and Martin made it clear I belong here. She's right, maybe it was all dad. That's traumatic you know.” 

“You deserve someplace warm! A home. Please, Jack. I found this in your things.” She slid a newspaper clipping towards her brother. “That's the boy who drowned. Why.. why didn't you tell me?” 

“Loads of kids drown in pools,” Jack stated bluntly with a shrug. “Why should your pool be any different?” 

“I never said it was our pool.” 

“I recognized the address in the article”

“Jack, it's from two years ago.” 

“I got lucky. Ah we doon here? I have walls to stare at. Here Billy you can have this back,” from between his knees he produced a glass paperweight with a scorpion inside. “Tell all ya mates Crazy Uncle Jack sends his loov” 

Jack tried to stand but Emma grabbed his arm. This was Rin’s cue to swoop in. She swiftly moved from her table to theirs. 

“JACKIE!’ I've been looking for you everywhere!” His eyes panicking in her direction. “I'm Wren,” she took her glove off and reached a scarred hand in Emma's direction. “But my brother couldn't say it so you can call me Rin” She smiled brightly. 

Emma tentatively shook Rin’s hand, smiling in turn.  Rin took a moment as her mind’s eye zoned in on what was inside of Jack’s sister.  It was a loneliness, a desperation to take care of her little brother but protect her son from the same fate.  But most importantly Rin felt a small tingling of warmth from somewhere deep inside of Emma’s heart.  It was white and pure and instantly recognizable as hope.  Even though it was tiny it was growing and starting to spread, and Rin knew Emma was eager to share that with her brother.

“Wow,” Rin blurted, “I wish my brother was as invested in me as you are.  You’re a good person, Emma.  Trust me,” she winked.  “Woman’s intuition.”

Emma narrowed her eyes and studied the crazed looking woman standing between her and Jack.  The scars on Rin’s hand raised some alarms, but Emma ignored them.  She omitted a relief and let go, “Well thank you.  Can you talk some sense into my brother?”

Moments later, with the visitors gone, Rin sat down in Emma’s place.  “Thank you is a start,” she teased Jack. 

He rolled his eyes and slowly turned in her direction to face her dead on.  The intensity of his eyes took Rin by surprise.  “Thank you,” the sarcasm poured like a waterfall.

Rin took off her other glove.  “Now, Mr-”

“Jack is fine.”

“Jack.  Tell me,” Rin feigned a German accent, “Und why do zey sink you are crazy.”   

He blinked slowly.

“You got sectioned.  What bullshit excuse did they force you to believe?  Because it seems like Lovely Emma is desperate to get you out, and we know how hard that is.”

Jack took an impossibly deep breath, “Schizo-effective disorder with some dissociation, post traumatic stress disorder, non-suicidal self injury disorder and depression.”

“Fuck me, that's a trail mix of bonkers. Now ask me” 

Jack closed his eyes. They were shut for so long that Rin was certain he had fallen asleep having given in to his meds. His hunched, thin body sort of folded a bit in on itself. A moment of possible self-soothing when he started to sway. 

“Jack?” Rin's tone fell quietly with concern. She poke his arm carefully avoiding touching the skin. “Darling what cocktail did these quacks put you on.” She was an expert after all these years; if the drugs were working, no way would he be this much of a zombie.

Green blank eyes hidden behind enviable eyelashes attempted to focus “Seroquel. Clozapine?” His words start to slur a bit. “Fine. How fucking barmy are you?”

“Well,”  the young woman softened, “I have suicidal ideations with self-injury tendencies myself, severe clinical depression, a bit of the old borderline personality disorder and wait for it..”  she practically whispered a few inches from Jack’s face, “total emotional attachment to partners.”  

The skin around Jack’s eyes crinkled as he squinted just enough to indicate his hazed brain was trying to process everything Rin just unloaded. His lips parted to speak but he paused resulting in a gobsmacked expression.  “You’re barking.”

“Says the sexy scarecrow with journo clippings of dead boys.”  Rin pursed her lips and crossed her arms, “Why are you really in here Jack.”

“I’m fucking mad.” It was matter of fact.

“To quote the Cheshire Cat, we’re all mad here, love.  Look at me,” she held her hands aloft to display gnarled and prominent scars covering both hands in their entirety.  “I developed a gift or two by primary school.  See I can touch a person, and I know what they are feeling.  Except it.. It goes deeper than that.  I can PICTURE their true selves.  It’s a bit overstimulating, but no one can lie to me.  Not really.  Doesn’t do much for my sex life.  Or lack of one really.  Honestly, you put a cock in your mouth only to find out the guy you’re with is fantasizing about slitting your throat and wanking in your blood.”

Jack shook his head, “Jesus christ.”

“Well yes! My parents were religious zealots, right?  They got wind of my gifts.  Tried to use me in the church, but I rebelled.  Long story short, darling Mumsy and Papa decided if they may be stuck my hands in boiling grease I wouldn’t be able to use it anymore.  It’s not in my hands though.  It’s in my skin,” Rin smiled almost pleasantly. “Sometimes I get a bit over the edge.  I stop shielding myself from the pure air around folks, I suffocate in it.  Then,” now she held out her wrists, “I have my little accidents.”

Jack’s mouth hung agape.  His brows furrowed in confusion, “You are off you’re fucking nut.”

“That’s all relative.  Now, you can tell me why they REALLY sectioned you.  What power or ability are they masquerading as mental illness, or I can find out my way.”  Rin shrugged. 

“Why the fuck do you care?  I’m sleeping at night.  I have food and a bed and a shower.”

“Und electro-shock zerapy, und coma inducing psychopharmaceuticals, und most importantly you has lost your voice und a chance to harness your ability correctly.”  that mock German accent again.  “You shouldn’t be here, Jack.  Emma certainly doesn’t think so, and neither do I.  You’re special.  Or that bitch shrink wouldn’t have made you the living dead.”

Jack snorted followed by a rather loud.  “Just fuck off. Fuck off.  Fuck off.  FUCK OFF!” he screamed in Rin’s face.  Not once did she flinch, arms crossed again in a challenge. Disgusted by her, Jack kept bellowing his words thick with anger and cotton from the meds, “I DON'T BELONG OUT THERE EITHER!  I DON'T BELONG IN HERE!  I DON’T FUCKING BELONG ANYWHERE. HE’S DEAD.  SHE’S DEAD.  EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ONE OF THE CUNTS IS DEAD!  DEAD DEAD DYING!  JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!” 

He shot up out of the chair to leave, but Rin caught his large hand.  Skin to skin, hands so small together they barely covered just his one.  Instantly her body stiffened as she gasped for air.  Tears immediately stung her eyes as she crammed them shut.  There in her mind was just a large body of water.  Ocean waves crashed overhead as she sank far below the surface.  Dark, cold, horrifying that sensation of being drowned.  Rin choked on the last bit of oxygen in her lungs and started to suffocate.  The hand she held brought her mind’s eye around to opening under the water to see Jack floating near-motionless in front of her.  It took all of her strength to push against the tide towards him where she held his face in her hands.  Death and decay flashed above them, the dead peering down from boats just waiting for Jack to return to the surface.

Rin strained to convey that tiny bit of hope Emma had passed along to her earlier as she pressed her forehead into Jack’s in the icy deep.  There was no reason in particular that she was drawn to him.  Not in the hospital or here trying to save him from drowning slowly. Was he attractive, undoubtedly, but that wasn’t all or it. Maybe it was now that she knew he was a messenger, a harbinger of death.  That was itself a form of an empathic gift.  Or it was just compassion. 

Suddenly Jack’s eyes burst open.  In that languid way your body moves underwater, he pushed her away.  His arms and legs thrashed around in a panic as if he only just realized he was allowing this place to kill him.  There was an instant loss, and Rin’s inner self slammed into a brick wall.  The physical Jack had severed the connection between her body and his.  To resurface that suddenly forced Rin gulping in blessed oxygen that she never really lost.  It was an illusion, where the two of them had been.  He really had shoved her back though, she realized that now.  Storming out of the visitation center, Jack left Rin alone to cry.

--------

Several days later

Rin lounged against the wall outside of Jack’s room with her gloves firmly in place.  Patients weren’t SUPPOSED to fraternize outside of the common rooms, but Rin had been here a few times before.  She knew which orderlies and nurses to finess, and which to avoid.  In this case Jerry was the giant, affable St Bernard of a man that kept watch in this particular hallway.

“Wren back so soon?” he teased. “What are you doing hanging around the human handbook for the recently deceased?” 

“Delightful, Jer.  How is he?  I mean really.” Rin hooked her thumb in the direction of the room.

“Easiest patient I’ve dealt with on account of he rarely speaks, pops his meds and keeps to himself.  Gave us a bit of a row when he first got here, but I like the guy.  I don’t know what to believe though.  His sister’s been sniffing around administratives.”  The orderly shrugged his massive shoulders.  “Heard you took quite the piss on visitation day.”

“I didn’t take the piss!” 

“Did ya do your handsy thing,” Jerry made jazz hands.

Rin’s eyes almost rolled back in her head, but suddenly there was a figure in the doorway which caused her to jump.  “How about we don’t talk about the nutter like he isn’t 10 feet away and only 27 years old?” Jack insisted.  His arms crossed and shoulders sagged in their usual way.  

“Can we talk?”  

Before Jack could truly answer, Rin had already pushed past him and sat down on his bed.  His mouth hung somewhat agape before he eventually joined her.  Jack attempted to sit close, just for some human contact, but the young woman beside him shied away.

“Right,” a retort.  “You’ve started being just as bloody fucking annoying as they were.”

Startled, “Who?”

“You know those.. Schizo delusions I’m here for.”

“The dead?”

Jack’s green eyes narrowed and Rin knew there was a sarcastic remark just sitting there waiting to be released.  Instead he curled his posture as if he was trying to fold in on himself.  Make himself smaller, less noticeable.  “Dissociations sparked by my father’s suicide.”

“Psycho babble bullshit jargon.  Congratulations, you’ve become a parrot.”  Rin waved her hand, “Jack has anyone ever-.”  There was a hesitation.  

“Has anyone ever what? Go on, enlighten me then”

Rin started stripping her gloves off but thought better of it.  A sense of foreboding, of drowning and clutching her chest for hair flashed across her mind.  The loneliness emanated from Jack without her touch. That empathic conduction of her skin.  Reaching instead to place the soft leather against his cheek, her thumb brushed his bottom lip.  Her eyes searched for him in that moment where time stood still before a mouth replaced a thumb.  

To not only Rin’s surprise but his own, Jack didn’t recoil.  His body relaxed as instinct took hold. There was a fervor in hands that got tangled up in hair.  Tongues fought each other as arms made their way around bodies in an embrace.  They held one another tight, the desperation apparent.  

The spell broke when Jack laid Rin down on the bed and let his warm mouth trail down her neck. He was awkward and hungry like a teenager.  He fumbled around her chest to attempt massaging her breast. 

A snort came from Rin simply to hide the panic of rushing water when Jack’s lips came into contact with her skin.  Maybe hers found it easier to beg off that inner eye from opening, but now she didn’t have a choice.  They weren’t as deep with the surface just rippling only a few inches away.  

Before she started to lose oxygen again, Rin began to squirm.  “ Stop.  Please?”

Jack sat up and faced forward as if nothing had transpired.  His cheeks flushed and a hand tugged at his tee-shirt embarrassingly then stuffed between his legs. He blinked a few times as he breathing calmed. 

“I only came to ask you if anyone had ever shown you affection.  Held you.  Emma.. Emma”  Rin inhaled deeply as she forced Jack to hold her glove hand.  “I know she sort of longs to hug you.”  Back on his cheek to make him look at her. “Obviously I got my answer,” she laughed. 

Jack silently replied by pushing his forehead into Rin's.  They laid down again this time with their heads on his pillow legs and arms tangled up in each other. Jack nuzzled the edge of his nose into the skin behind her ear; her breath caught. Then the couple seemingly melted together.

“Jack you seem less-” fingers twisted up in his curls.

“Like a walking coma patient?” hand gripped the thick of her thigh.  Then reaching a shelf above Rin Jack seized one of those creepy glass paperweights housing a floating tarantula. Turning it over underneath to show a tiny white envelope. “I started hiding my meds. Pass them along to my sister when she visits.”

Just under the surface of the water, still struggling for air exploded before Rin's eyes. Perhaps she had passed something between Emma and Jack. Was it her own faith that was transmitted to him? That first touch that woke him up after all this time. 

The next few weeks became a game of trial and error. Of how little or much Rin and Jack could consume of each other.  Kissing was no longer an issue once the meds began to wear off, lips and tongues and mouths. It felt more like standing ankle deep in a bathtub. Warm and comforting; it was Jack that was overpowering.  

Eager to make up for a very long very lost amount of time. He stumbled along Rin's body uneasily because of how little clothing she removed at first. Not that he was in a rush to reveal what was underneath his oversized shirt and sweatpants. He wasn’t the one recoiling when the stimulation overwhelmed.  

“I'll take off my shirt. Touch me here, but where the fabric of my bra is. Tease the nipple with just your fingertips. No that's.. maybe under? Touch them. Oh God. Now your mouth. Right there.  Are you.. you took your shirt off too?” (She marveled at how defined, muscular Jack's body seemed despite his slight stature)   

Jack took initiative now and slid his fingers inside of Rin. He pumped them a few times guided by her ``Oh.. maybe you can touch me.. Do you feel.. It’s like a bud or a kernel.. Here let me.. It’s just right.. OH GOD.  Right like.. ”   And she would ride his hand and fingers that circled that bud.  

Rin would cry out in surprise.  Her body exploded in ecstasy. They weren't drowning anymore. Just swimming, bobbed under the water and surface. It was the sense-memory of suffocating, coupled with the dazzling pleasure of Jack's warm tongue as it teased her nipples, his strong fingers teasing her clit at the same time. His hot skin meshed with hers washed out by fear.  She apologized as they scrambled to arrange themselves. 

“Don't think I'm going anywhere for quite some time, my love.”  His words changed with the possessive my in lieu of the once meaningless sentiment. He would steal a chaste kiss from Rin whose cheeks flushed to match his own as he made that familiar adjustment between his legs.  In the future, Rin would come to him without a bra but reluctant to take her shirt off when Jack kept on never minding.

Jerry became an ally of sorts. He always had been on Rin's side after she read him her second section. It wasn't difficult to get him to believe in Jack's abilities. Staff has whispered down the corridors that Jack had suddenly found himself aware of a suicide attempt.  That dead reporter Emma mentioned, his fiancé had taken more pills than Rin ever fathomed any number of her attempts. (She had a flare for dramatics: slit wrists) Jerry mentioned Jack had a tantrum the likes of a toddler screaming the name Sarah whatever over and over, pounding his fists into his head to make whatever haunted him. Sure enough, this Sarah was found nearly having bled out and foaming at the mouth. 

“How would he even fucking know, poppet? Not unless Jack really was chatting up her dead fiancé “ As if that was all he needed, Jerry turned his back and caused distractions all the nights the Empath and her Beautiful Broken Man longed to be together.

It was stunning the way Jack learned to manipulate the system.  Only Rin, and reluctantly Jerry, knew he pocketed his meds.  Safely tucked away in those ugly arachnid globes in the pockets or purse of Billy and Emma.  He started talking more in group therapy and far less in private sessions.  Engaged in conversations with his sister and nephew, true ones that resulted in a simple smile or a laugh free from a facetious tone.  To the staff and doctors those fucking psychopharmeceuticals worked.  To Jack’s sister and nephew and whatever Rin was to him, there was a slowly lifting weight making the air around him lighter. Yet Rin kept her hands to herself.

More trial and error.  In the midst of fervent kisses, Rin took Jack in her hand.  A stroke or two was all she got in before he spasmed and came.  The mortification that flashed in his eyes as he curled in a fetal position between her and the wall while she whispered reassurances in his ear.  Touching him, caressing him and eventually taking him into her mouth became easier and longer with practice and patience.  

They laughed into each other’s mouths before Rin let her tongue trail down over his stomach. Anxiously Jack took off his pants and boxers, lying backwards.  He held the back of her head, moaned and twisted as she licked and sucked on him. His hips bucked and thrust upwards.  

-------------------

Present Day, Again

“Would it be so bad? I just want to feel you under me without fuckin clothes.” Jack took a chance and kissed Rin. Tongue pushed inside of her, but she stiffened. “Sweetheart,” now he whispered,  just his fingertips brushed her cheek. “Please, love, just touch me?”

Rin took a moment to think.  He wasn’t drowning anymore.  She could push that old feeling out of her third eye and bury herself in new ones.  She took a hold of her shirt and tossed it on the floor.  She took the erection that twiced against her thigh and held it just outside of her pulsating and ready sex.  With hands that sunk into her vunerable skin, Jack buried himself inside of her. 

That fire from Emma all that time ago poured from Jack’s body into hers.  It pushed back the water as he pumped rhythmically into Rin.  Building into a frenzy quickly, his pelvis crashed into hers before she could really come around to what was happening.  It briefly conquered the fears from before; caused hot tears to spring to her eyes that flowed uncontrolled down her cheeks.

In his fervor, Jack noticed and bent to kiss them away.  The gesture she had made that first time, a thumb brushed across her cheek and lower lip as he slowed his pace. Wren,” he took to calling her that tentatively.  “What is it?”

Before she could answer, Jack became distracted by something in the corner of the room.  Eyes passed between Rin and whatever it was that she couldn’t fathom or see.  She took his chin and focused it on her as they crashed together and apart again in another wave of building friction. It was too late though, he had abruptly pulled out and away from her. 

“NO!  STOP!  LEAVE ME ALONE!  CAN’T I HAVE ONE MOMENT OF FUCKING HAPPINESS WITHOUT ONE OF YOU LOOMING OVER ME LIKE A FUCKING PERV.”  He used fists to beat out a rhythm on his temples as he scurried to the corner of his bed with knees up to his chest.  

In the frenzy, Rin had been knocked to the floor.  Jerry had rushed in, he was never too far away just in case.  In a whirlwind, he picked Rin up with one hand and with the other attempted to intervene between Jack's fists and his head.  What could either of them do?  If attention was drawn to the room, surely the doctors would realize Jack had gone unmedicated for weeks.  Jerry’s eyes wide gestured towards Rin’s hands.  She shook her head, but Jack carried on.  

“Go on Jenny Wren, there has to be something your hands can do.  I’ll lose my job and you’ll be separated.  They’ll put him back in the Zoo.”  He was already yanking her arms forward and trying to remove her gloves before she could consent.

Rin knew The Zoo. It being rooms that could be monitored with two way mirrors.  You got a bed and a blanket.  They controlled when the lights came on and when they turned them off.  No privilege, no real structure.  They fed you, bathed you, and gave you “playtime” when they said.  No matter how you suffered from mental illness no one deserved that. She would never forgive herself.

“JERRY LET ME DO IT MYSELF!”  Rin bellowed if only to out yell Jack and his fit.  “Make her go away!  LEAVE ME ALONE” he cried underneath her.  Her hands free, she flexed them a few times before joining Jack on the bed.  She clutched his forearms and struggled to get a grip enough to pull them away from self-harm.  “JACK!  YOU HAVE GOT TO FUCKING STOP, MY DARLING.”  She slid her hands over his temples before he could punch them anymore.  She used the heels of her palms and pressed.  

It was immediate, the way her mind opened to him.  This time he was floating along the tide in a boat surrounded by what Rin could only guess were dead people.  They grabbed and tugged on Jack’s clothes.   Rin sat on the other side from him between two oars; she used one to swat at the ghosts who tried to pull them back in.  But there, walking along the surface, was a beautiful young woman.  Blonde hair flowed in waves down her back.  Sarah.

“You said we would be together, Jack.”  She was angry.  “That’s what you told him when he warned you I overdosed.  I survived that attempt, but not the second one.  Where is he Jack?  Why isn’t he here waiting for me?”

Jack stood up and the boat began to dangerously rock. Rin took his hand and he squeezed it in return.  He bellowed at the dead woman, “YOU SURVIVED AND HE MOVED ON.  I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU BEING FUCKING STUPID, SARAH.  WHAT I TOLD YOU WAS MEANT TO EASE YOUR GUILT.  HE LOVED YOU.  YOU WERE SO LOVED.  HE DIDN’T CARE ABOUT YOUR MISTAKES.  YOU HAVE TO LEAVE ME ALONE.  ALL OF YOU.  I’M FUCKING DONE.  MOVE ON.  GO SOMEWHERE ELSE.  I CAN’T BE THE ONLY ONE OF MY KIND.  AND FUCK OFF BILLY TOO, MATE.”

“Jack?”  Rin spoke softly.  The hands gripped her tight in place of him.  They started to pull her in with him because he was useless now.  He stood up to them for possibly the first time in twenty years.  They would take her instead then.  

Jack seized Rin’s body before she could go over in his place.  He held her fast and tight and shielded her from them.  “NO.  You don’t fucking get ANYONE I love.  Not Billy.  Not Emma.  Not Martin.  No Wren or Rin.  AND YOU DON’T FUCKING GET ME ANYMORE.”  He took the oar up in his free hand and swung it around the bodies in the water.  He jabbed it forward like a sword at Sarah still pacing the side of the boat.  “GO, SARAH.  HE’S WAITING FOR YOU.  I PROMISE THIS TIME”  Jack insisted and pleaded.

Then it was so silent it deafened both Jack and Rin as they clung to one another in the boat.  In a flash and explosion, they separated and landed back on the bed in the room in an institution.  Jerry panted and pawed at the two of them dazed and uncertain.  Jack blinked a handful of times with no recollection of what just took place in his head and Rin’s.  They never knew or remembered Rin had learned.

Jack scoured the room for any sign of Sarah or anyone else.  He rubbed his eyes a few times then sighed heavily.  “I.. I want to go back to my room now.”  It was matter of fact.  

Jerry nodded and helped him back into his clothes.  Jack stumbled a bit but managed to kiss Rin sweetly before being led away and down the hall.  Rin knew Jerry would probably give him something to help him sleep at least for the night and probably into tomorrow.  She was afraid Jack had woken up a second time.  Not just from his nightmare of the last twenty years, but whatever happened between them.  It was a price she had to pay sometimes when she helped.  There was something Rin longed to say earlier.  What made her cry was an ember somewhere deep inside of Jack that he had never experienced before.  For the first time in his life, he had hope.

[stressedspidergirlsfandomblog]

Since it's my birthday and I feel like it.

Have firefighter Geralt AU. Where his home where he grew up - say like a group home for youth, as we do in the US for foster kids who can't be matched with a parent.

And some religious zealot burns it all down while Geralt and a few others are on a trip. They come home and try to save as many as they can and he gets severe burns bc of it. His hair grows in white over his burned scalp etc.

Okay? Caught up? Cool

So it's time for the yearly fundraiser for the local fire station and they're going to do a pinup calendar. They want Geralt to either be Dec or Jan bc they can make him look wintery. Maybe hot Santa with his white beard and hair.

He of course wants nothing to do with this. At all. Goes home to his wife and their live in boyfriend and his daughter to be like: can you believe these assholes? And all the peer pressure. Jaskier tries to reassure him he doesn't have to, but that the scars are no where near as bad as he thinks.

Yen tells him if they won't fuck off about it he should just start stripping in the middle of whatever room it is just to spite them. If they won't take no, he doesn't owe them an explanation of any kind he should just make them eat it and never push his boundaries again.

Ciri tells her dad she thinks he'd be a very handsome Santa if he wanted, and maybe he could just wear a red shirt and some jeans and then they would leave him alone. He should just pose funny like the guy in her comic books.

Needless to say people keep hounding him. Saying everyone's got a month or they did it last year. So it's not like they aren't asking him to do anything that they haven't. They can even show him past calendars but it's tradition. First, he tries Ciri's suggestion, he could pose silly with presents or something or maybe leave the jeans undone?

Jaskier's not wrong but it won't work, clearly.

They jokingly ask him if he's just afraid of how small his dick is or something, and tell him no one's going to see it in the calendar it'll be okay. Plus the rooms are always kinda cold so he can always blame it on that.

Which prompts him to take Yen's advice and just start stripping. "y'know what? Fine!" Off comes his hoodie, then his black long sleeved Henley, and there's scars up his arms from reaching into the flames to try and get his foster brothers. Then comes his undershirt revealing badly scarred and damaged skin all over his chest and back, then his pants, revealing scars over his backside and thighs where he'd fallen with one boy on his back and caught fire. He'd put it out but the skin will be shiny and pink the rest of his life.

He does not have a small dick.

His body hair is white and dark in turns depending on if it's growing out of scar tissue or not. "happy?" He asks as flatly as he can. "Quick get your picture now, you can Photoshop the Christmas bullshit in later," he snaps, holding out his arms. Jaskier's right, he doesn't need to be ashamed.

"Jesus fuck" is the response of some.

Others don't react much. They've seen worse. Some have worse burns. Some have no burns.

Coën, new to the station, wolf whistles and claps. Soon a bunch of the guys join in, glad to turn the awkward mood into a joke.

"Next time, do it slower," Coën suggests with a grin. Geralt blushes in irritation and starts dragging his clothes back on, point proven.

Later the chief approaches him and tells him he doesn't have to pose if it makes him that uncomfortable. Geralt shrugs. Fidgets with his ring and says he'll think about it.

When he goes home after another block shift, he tells Yennefer and Jaskier what he did, face in hands at the table. Jaskier laughs uncontrollably for a while, as Yennefer rubs his back. She knows he doesn't like losing his temper or reacting to people badgering him. At the same time she knows she won't be able to hold the laughter in for long.

When Ciri comes down, drawn by her dad's laughter, "what happened?"

"your father gave the station a strip show," Yennefer says with a wicked grin that makes Geralt groan and press his hands even harder over his face.

Ciri laughs, but is also mortified. "the whole station?"

"everyone in the break room at the time," Jaskier wipes his eyes. Yennefer has broken down laughing, an arm around Geralt's shoulders. "you sure showed them," Jaskier snorts. "literally. You literally showed them." He starts laughing again.

Ciri rescues her dad, "I think Roach threw a shoe, will you come help me check? Before it's dark?"

"yes," he says gratefully, face still beet red. She goes outside with him and when they go out to Roach, who is chilling in the paddock and comes over to look for carrots, Ciri tries not to start laughing.

"Did you really strip down in front of everyone?"

"yes," he groans.

"aren't there cameras all over the station, except the shower and toilet areas?"

"fuck."

She cackles.

He hides his face in Roach's neck and curses himself, his family, and the entire station.

[herding-octokittens]

Finally found the time to go watch the Death to the Mechanisms livestream (and then go listen to the songs that got cut out on Bandcamp), and I HAVE MANY TEARS THOUGHTS! (This is somewhat chronological, but only barely, and way longer than I intended)

The entire band just keeps pulling out more instruments! Marius switches from his violin to whatever that is in Thor and I had to do like a quadruple take. I’m pretty sure I counted like 17 guitars on stage at one time. Ivy has a trumpet. When did that happen? I don’t know, I’m just rolling with it. The Toy Soldier breaks out the tambourine. Cool! Guess that’s happening now!

Oh my gosh, Ashes and Tim singing together as Loki and Sigyn? I love them so much! Their voices are amazing!

Poor Lyf having to deal with Ivy, Raphaella, and Marius for sixty years... How many violins has he summoned? Where do they go? Does Lyf ever take them away and now they just have an evidence room entirely devoted to Marius’s violins? I can totally see all three of them just randomly pulling instruments out of nowhere. Ivy has a never ending supply of recorders and flutes and then one day Lyf stops by and she has a full on trumpet and he just walks away to try and quit right then and there. Raphaella has a grand piano once.

That laugh in Red Signal? When Lyf has finished the Yog-Sothoth chant and Jonny just starts his maniacal laughter?? That right there. That’s what I’m here for.

Squamous. Squamous the second. Squamous3. All the squamous. 

Raphaella’s new wings! Shiny and pretty and bright! I am very gay!

I legit didn’t notice when the Toy Soldier got on stage, I just heard it harmonizing in Lost in the Cosmos and was like “That’s new...”

“That was fucking depressing.” You want some livelier music? Yeah? Great! Here’s this upbeat jazzy blues song about the crime boss god of the dead and everyone losing everything they ever had in horrible, heart-wrenching ways!

Just because your prophecies are true doesn’t mean they’re useful, Brian. See: every Greco-Roman myth ever. Those oracles were really bad at making sure people actually understood tf was going on. Also, I really love Brian’s voice and I’m sad he doesn’t sing in more songs.

I mean, it is totally humanly possible to sing and play the drums and the guitar and the banjo and the accordion at the same time. Totally.

Jonny really goes for it as Galahad, and I give him all my respect. Fuck yeah! Top ten religious zealots of all time! Like the mice in a hat!

“No bearing on the validity of his baptisms.” Did you get baptized by him? Jonny?? Did you??? I need answers!!!

“Speaking of motherfuckers,” When were we talking about motherfuckers? I mean, I’m not complaining, Riddle of the Sphinx is a really fun song, but when? Where? Context? ...Nope? Cool.

“You’re projecting.” “Again.” “I really don’t think I am.” “Again.” No, you are definitely projecting, Jonny.

Moons in love? Gravity? Death of millions of people? End of entire civilizations? Lesbians? I don’t see a difference...

When Tim, Raphaella, Brian, and the Toy Soldier are doing the round at the beginning of Rose Red? All the feels!!! It’s one of my favorite Mechs songs ever because my summer camp sings it (albeit, different verses), and so having a full round going brought me back to good times! Y’know, back when people could gather in groups of more than three and sing together about depressing lacks of weddings. Good times!

And then the Toy Soldier starts singing again in Rose Red and now my heart is pumping and I’m about ready to straight up leave college and go on a madwoman rampage across the universe committing war crimes and having an over dramatic tragic wlw love story!

“But that’s not the death you came to see.” Nope! Not ready! You’ve already killed every single character in all of your albums, and then sung all the other death songs in this one single concert. I do not need this!

Jonny mentioned Nastya and I just had to pause and stop for a minute or twenty.

The music keeps shifting when they’re all dying!!! Raphaella’s harmonizing as she dives through a black hole, Blood and Whiskey playing behind Marius as he’s eaten alive, Lost in the Cosmos on the violin was when the dam of tears really broke, and then when Jonny calls them all the Toy Soldier’s friends???? NO! TOO MUCH!!

Gunpowder Tim died because of a fucking seatbelt... I don’t know how to deal... Such a mood...

Jonny watched Marius die. Jonny watched and timed and he was definitely waiting for Marius to come back to life so he could mock him, and then he didn’t and now I’m crying even harder.

And then Laid in Blood??? The book is closed so I’m going to go binge read fanfiction and pretend that didn’t happen.

“Sing along if you still know the words.” I, in fact, do not still know the words. I am a blubbering mess trying to stifle my everything because my roommate is currently asleep.

“It’s been ten years!” “Erm, ten millenium...” What even is time?

“The Toy Soldier as Jessica Law!” That doesn’t seem right, but I don’t know enough to say otherwise.

“Your humble first mate.” “First ma-” “Wait what?” “I know what I said!” It happened! He said it! He is the First Mate!

So that happened. I am crying a lot. If anyone wants to talk about literally anything Mechs related, please hit me up! Otherwise, I am probably going to be randomly spamming the tag this weekend...

[stillness-in-green]

When MVA/MLA Arc gets animated, what will you be looking forward to the most? What (canon-compliant) additions and/or changed do you want or think Bones should make, if any?

There’s--a lot.  Does that surprise anyone?  There’s a lot.

o  I have been foaming at the mouth for voice actor announcements for almost a year now, particularly for Trumpet, Geten and RD.           Trumpet’s superpower is literally his voice!  I mean, nothing about that statement requires that voice be particularly entrancing, but it certainly seems like it should be, right??             Geten is a boku-type in the manga, but that was literally the only hint foreshadowing his pretty boy face through 21 solid chapters of Pure Feral Gremlin.  Everyone was shocked by Geten’s face reveal!  How do you maintain that surprise value with an actual voice actor in the mix?  Do you not even try?  Do you play up the disparity--in which direction?  I can’t wait to see what they do.           And Re-Destro!  Re-Destro requires so much range!  From his peppy, silly businessman persona, to the urbane commander, from the overeager yes-man to the raving zealot--who on earth do you get to believably cover all that ground?  I can’t even begin to guess, but I am living in anticipation of that article going up on ANN or the official Twitter sources.

o  I’m also much looking forward to getting official coloring on Trumpet and Geten.  Skeptic seems pretty straightforward--black, black, more black--and RD and Curious, we have color art for, but I wonder if Trumpet will also be all black clothes, to go with that dignified politician image of his, or if he’ll get some color to pep him up a little.  What color are those tinted shades of his?  His eyes?  The wicked-cool Sevens Loud?           I assume Geten is all wintery shades, but it’ll be great to confirm which ones.  I mean, we all assume he’s white-haired to better annoy Dabi with family parallels, but what if he turns out to be platinum blond?  And are his eyes blue?  Gray?  White?  What color is that awful parka?           Also, Re-Destro’s stress powers.  Having been writing them as black since at least August--Rorschach test blots are generally black, after all, and they’re the clear inspiration--I would much like it if the anime would have my back on this.  They made Destro’s mask a dark cinnamon brown, though, so I’m prepared to be unpleasantly surprised in this matter.

o  Predictable MLA adaptational choices aside, I’m also eager/anxious about how they’ll handle Spinner’s narration.  What I really hope is that they actually straight-up hand him ALL the narration duties--not just the stuff he dictates directly in the manga, but also e.g. the name and quirk explanation material that Present Mic normally gets, or the previews that are always handled by Deku.           The opening and closing sequences are another big structural thing, of course--based on the flashed snippets of Hawks and Endeavor in both our current and the previous OP, I’m expecting we’ll see at least a bit of something referencing the upcoming internship arc (which I expect to close out the season), but I hope the villains just walk away with the closing entirely.  I want my slice of life villainy ED, dangit.

o  Another thing I’m eager/anxious about would be Kotarou, and the Shimura flashback generally.  There’s a brittle edge of to Kotarou that I really love, and I hope he manages to keep it in the anime, despite the anime being generally not so great at moments that I would describe as “delicate.”  For example, I’d like it if he doesn’t get a super deep voice, and if they could manage to keep his pretty face, and capture how deeply bitter and tired he looks in the scene where he’s reading the letter Nana left him.           Also, I hope they keep the little montage bits and, crucially, the changes of clothes the family goes through.  We see Tenko in no less than five, possibly as many as seven, different T-shirts through the course of that flashback.  It seems like a small thing, but it’s one of the factors that makes me skeptical that AFO gave Tenko Decay, when so many days clearly go by between the opening with the man at the door and the tragic end.  It’d be nice not to see too much resurgence on that just because the anime can’t be bothered to come up with more than one outfit for the Shimuras.

I have enough issues with the anime’s usual adaptation choices that I’m trying not to get my hopes up too high on the actual content of the episodes.  The staff is diverting too much of its major talent to the movies (BAH) these days for me to expect the whole season to look all that great, and it’s never been particularly creative or daring outside of its climactic sakuga-heavy fight scenes anyway.  I’ve also long had a bone to pick with its scoring decisions, and am already eyeballing the climax of the RD/Shigaraki fight and imagining the minor-keyed terrifying dirge I fear the anime will play there, at the moment that Re-Destro (and, shortly afterward, Spinner) are supposed to be experiencing something akin to religious awakenings.           There’s also the issue of the violence and gore--judging by how the anime handled the scene where Shigaraki and Compress maim Overhaul, I have some severe reservations about how much blood they’ll be allowed to get away with, particularly in the scene where the League brutally decimates that CRC group and, of course, Shigaraki’s backstory.  I’m looking at MVA to serve as a preview for how all the same issues will be addressed in the War Arc.

That bit of pessimism aside, as to what I’m hoping they’ll add or change?  Well, off the top of my head.....

o  I would love to get a full episode devoted to the time the League spends fighting Machia.  Not that first tussle, but the six grueling weeks in the mountains.  There’s so much you could add there for character building and atmosphere that Hori didn’t so much as montage through.  Where was their food coming from?  How’d they pick out places to pitch camp?  How much access to news from outside did they have, and how frequently?  What were the circumstances in which Gigantomachia “told them himself” about his great sense of smell??  Stuff like that!             I don’t think we’re at all likely to get this--honestly, the series of late has had enough of a problem with trimming bits and pieces that I’m as worried about what they might cut as I am hyped about things they might add--but the one thing that gives me some hope is the training camp arc.  Specifically, the moment 1-A first gets to the Pussycats’ forest, they get jumped by earth golems, a fight that the manga off-panels entirely, but the anime spends a modest amount of time on, giving the kids a little bit of time to show off their moves and such.  I’d love to get something equivalent for the League.

o  On a similar note, I wouldn’t turn it down if they fleshed out some of those running street fights a bit.  One obvious thing comes to mind: there’s a weird jump in the manga between Skeptic and a horde of his golems being all but on top of Twice at the beginning of 233 and then that fight just--doesn’t happen.  There’s no mention of it at all.  I think the suggestion is that either Machia’s appearance or the tower going down interrupted it--Skeptic breaks off from his fight the same way Geten and Trumpet do theirs, shifting focus to protecting Re-Destro--but it’d be nice to see the anime touch on it.

o  It’d be nice to get a bit of expansion on the nature of the bullying Spinner endured.  We’re told he was, but was it limited to verbal?  Did he get beaten up a lot?  Was there an online element?  Deku’s our only other reference point for “bullied kid,” and whatever one might think about the story’s development of Bakugou’s mentality, it’s been made clear in retrospect that there was a lot more too that than just the matter of Deku’s quirklessness.  I’d love to know how Spinner’s bullying looked in comparison (not least because of some of the theories about Spinner and Deku needing to come to some kind of accord to free Shigaraki from AFO).

o  Make the Villa (both here and during the War Arc) look more realistic.  By which I mean, I know Horikoshi is capable of drawing interesting and lived-in interior spaces--he has an entire chapter dedicated to it in the 1-A dorm room contest, after all--but he normally doesn’t bother much with it.  At UA, it’s not too distracting, because we know good and well that that whole building is probably maintained by Cementoss anyway.  Ditto places like Tartarus (intentionally, dehumanizingly barren) or the League’s post-Kamino hideouts (abandoned homes and industrial spaces).  But the Villa?            For heaven’s sake, it’s called a mountain villa.  It has a clear reception desk on the ground floor; it’s obviously some sort of high-end hotel, if not an outright resort or rentable retreat lodge.  Speaking as someone who’s worked in one, places like that don’t look as fuckin’ bare as the rooms we see there always seem to.  For fanfic purposes, I’m happy to go on telling myself that e.g. the pool and the bar and the restaurant(s) and the gym are in the building Cementoss doesn’t tear in half, but it’d be nice if the anime could class the whole place up a little, maybe put some real furniture and decor in the rooms that are in use.  (Yes, I know this is a ridiculous nitpick.)

o  This is less a change and more a correction, but for fuck’s sake, BONES, give us white-haired Shigaraki.  The climax of Deika is a solid time for it, given that it’s obvious in the manga that Shigaraki’s hair gets paler in Deika--you can see it in the way Horikoshi inks it (which is to say, the way he stops inking it)!  I think if we ever get white-haired Shigaraki in the anime, a somewhat better time as far as narrative justification goes would be when Shigaraki gets out of the tube in the War Arc; you could easily justify it as a side-effect of the surgery.  Still, I’d rather see it here.  I want white-haired Shigaraki, gleaming and brilliant through the scattering ash in that crater, a veritable angel of sacred destruction.           Honestly, more than anything, the crater sequence is the one I hope I love.  It’s probably my favorite single moment in the entire manga, as Shigaraki wins over Re-Destro, Spinner and Gigantomachia in the same moment, and finally comes into his own.  If they can at least nail that, I’ll consider myself pretty satisfied.

[tfw-no-tennis]

mtmte liveblog issue 19

it’s 2021 now!! time for more transformers 

we start off w/a flashback showing tyrest retrieving ultra magnus’s body from the ship - and we get a look at magnus’s spark, which is the green color of a 0.1%er [eyes emoji]

tyrest punching magnus..... grrrrr leave my dad alone bastard man

‘the divided self’ what a good title 

rodimus is like listen man this is a lot for my poor thot brain to take in

in flashback land, we see tyrest immediately launch into a crazy person spiel about how he can and will edit the law as he sees fit to conform to the situation, because that doesn't seem like a blatant abuse of power or a huge conflict of interest or anything 

oooh the screen in the corner that says ‘thought warfare,’ I see that

oof, poor magnus. its gotta be rough to hear your boss rant about how bad at your job you are....especially bc this is right after overlord called magnus a joke and nearly killed him

its especially brutal bc as magnus says, his job is his life 

augh, I love the panel where the armor is falling off around minimus, and then the one where he’s holding the ultra magnus head...poetic 

its fascinating that there was an ‘original’ magnus who was an actual guy, and then tyrest chose to make him into this legacy symbol - I'm assuming the OG magnus had no say in this, and probably didn't even know that he was gonna become this lawman legacy figure

I do wanna know though - obviously everyone thought that ultra magnus was one dude, but how did the different guys wearing the armor deal w/that? like, did minimus have people coming up to him like ‘hey ultra magnus old buddy! remember when we fought those guys in that one place? good times!’ like, do they have to study up on the lives of the past armor wearers to prepare for the role of ultra magnus?

augh poor minimus, of course he’s been wondering about what happened with overlord after he was KO’d

oof, drift...I feel like minimus looks surprised and a little skeptical at the idea that drift was the one behind the entire overlord thing - which is interesting bc as we saw at the beginning of the story, he doesn't exactly trust drift, but it’s still pretty far-fetched that one person orchestrated the entire thing

tailgate :(

the concept of a load-bearer is SUPER cool, I love it so much

it also puts a much-needed limit on things - as in, there IS a limit to how much weight/mass a normal cybertronian frame can carry, which is why you don't see everybody upgrading to be Massive - bc they actually CANT

oof, the worst part is that tyrest is RIGHT, minimus essentially DID have a nervous breakdown after the war ended bc of the rigid way he views the world

mental health support is clearly in shambles for cybertronians, yikes. they literally have 1 therapist for their entire race, and he’s not even licensed anymore due to hipaa violations. what a mess

the ‘attention deflectors’ thing is so cool and clever and also a great explanation as to why ratchet or anyone else never said ‘hey wait a minute, you're actually a much smaller dude in a trench coat’ 

I love tailgate knowing all the stuff about the autobot code bc of magnus...my BOY

and THATS why minimus was asking about skids specifically earlier!

oh minimus, please don't put so much stock in tyrest being stable and resonable...

aaaand there's skids and swerve! brainstorm says it best - ‘because something unexpected hasn't happened for at least nine seconds.’ lmao ily brainstorm 

finally checking in w/whirl and cyclonus - god I love that. whirl asking cyclonus how many cons he killed and cyc is like psh I wasn't keeping count....................ok it was six

hhhhh cyclonus IS looking for a cure for tailgate, even though he told tg that there wasn’t anything to hope for....excuse me as I go be emo 

and now we flash over to the unethical medical conduct hell zone, where pharma is being weird and horny and ratchet is appropriately horrified 

I seriously love how unhinged pharma looks, the art & colors do such a good job conveying his feral energy 

ratchet has some massive dick energy for taunting pharma when he’s currently just a head and pharma has dual chainsaws for hands 

ugh, I love whirls speech about anger...and I feel like he really does see cyclonus as a peer, despite cyclonus wanting to kill him, which is why he tells cyclonus all of this 

I fuckgin love that cyclonus’s reaction to very suddenly getting stabbed thru the abdomen is to just glance down at the sword, looking mildly inconvenienced 

back over to ratchet - and at first its like oh wow I can’t believe pharma was stupid enough to let ratchet goad him into this contest....but then you see first aid and ambulon and its like UH OH this is gonna be BAD

the idea that getting sliced in half is no big deal for a cybertronian is wild

‘you're gonna let doctor djd cut us in half?’ yeahhhh that's an appropriate reaction, yikes

FUCKING LENGTHWAYS GOD

pharma you piece of shit

poor ambulon :( :( :( that's fucking brutal. amazing panel but....jesus

and like, to further my point from last issue’s liveblog - the fact that this very gore-y panel is okay, but swearing isn't...that's really funny honestly. I guess robo-gore is acceptable, while I'm guessing regular ole run of the mill human gore wouldn't be

then back to cyclonus, who is still looking only vaguely put out by the sword stuck right thru him

and then cyclonus just pulls it right out, which is a very bad idea for humans but probably not as big of a deal for big near-immortal alien robots

circle of light stuck in capitalistic urban hellscape cubicals 

poor skids, being asked to stand trial while having no idea what his crime is due to Big Amnesia 

OH SHITTTT I totally forgot that getaway shows up here

that is super clever though, with chromedome confusing the name ‘getaway’ with the concept ‘needing to escape’

cant believe tyrest is really dumb enough to tell minimus all his evil plans

BUT that means its time for some very important forged vs constructed cold lore

jro spelling ‘program’ as ‘programme’ made me remember when he said that he considers everyone on the lost light to be british, which is perhaps the least valid thing he’s ever said vhbghjsdbfjkhasbjk

the idea that they used the matrix - which is portrayed as kind of a holy object - in reproductive experiments is really interesting

AUGHHHHH this is all so good and interesting...im really fascinated w/this particular brand of like, alien robot racism/constructism/whatever you wanna call it - I feel like it does such a good job as a plot device, where many other ‘fantasy racism’ concepts from other franchises fail, bc there's not really a ‘human metaphor’ being used here (as far as I know/can tell) - as in, this isn't a thinly veiled metaphor for something that happened/could happen in human history

in fact, this type of bigotry (or w/e you wanna call it) isn't something that is even really possible in humans - I guess if there was a stigma against being born via ivf or something...? but there isn't, so there's no obvious real-world equivalent, which I take as a sign of good writing and worldbuilding - it makes the cybertronians feel more Real, bc of course they would have their own types of bigotry based off of completely different things than humans 

additionally - and this is crucial - tyrest is wrong: there’s no like, inherent moral corruption in cold constructed bots. there's no difference at all, other than method of construction. fantasy racism plotlines often flounder here, with the oppressors having a ‘valid reason’ for oppressing the oppressed, but tyrest is just operated on religious zealot bs and some biased science

like, dude, did you ever think that maybe there are other reasons why your trials only condemned cold constructed bots? like, maybe the trial itself was biased? or societal conditions were to blame? correlation is not causation, my dude, especially when the conclusion is ‘cold constructed bots are inherently SINNERS’ lmao 

like, tyrest rlly said ‘FUCK separation of church and state,’ huh

anyways I just think the whole cold construction vs forged thing is really interesting and well-done, and serves as a good precursor to the more fleshed-out functionism stuff we see later 

so tyrest is clearly off his rockers w/the whole drilling thing - dude, you accidentally gave yourself a lobotomy, okay - but I find it kinda funny that he’s right about a lot of that stuff he said at the end, about primus and the guiding hand and stuff being real 

cyclonus saying ‘tailgate and the others’...I see you, man, I see you

also cyclonus looks fine now??? didn't he just get stabbed??? 

ah, tyrest sprinkling a little light genocide onto his plan to find salvation. nice, dude!

MINIMUS NOOOOOOOOO

‘fully deserved’ SHUT UP BIIIIITCH

poor minimus is taking a lot of Ls this arc, geez

oof, great issue! again, as usual....I loved the lore we got this issue, its so interesting...and some good character stuff too. I love minimus, I feel like he’s gonna be my fav this readthru; my first read my fav was brainstorm, second readthru was whirl, and I feel like its minimus/magnus this time. I just love his character arc...

hype af for more B) 

[jyndor]

if i see you reblog something from a vague fascist op (and I mean they are vagueing around being fascist not a fucking conservative average asshat) like this asshat and i send you information on why they are likely fascist, i hope you understand i am doing that because i do not want to see fascists on my dashboard and in my fandoms, especially since unfortunately my fandoms do have some nasty ass fascists in them. i don’t know how i would be following someone who is secretly a right-winger but it has happened, especially with the atla fandom which is horrifying to me but not surprising.

considering this is a fandom full of kids i am not fucking around, it is way too easy to fall down the rabbit hole into n*zism and fascism because they are so purposeful in their vaguery until oh shit you get into the lizard people shit.

if someone won’t tell you what they are, they’re not on the left and they’re not likely to be anti-fascist. I don’t mean like performatively - I mean they don’t want you to know where they are politically because it is so off-putting.

the thing that scares me is that that blog is so meme-y in the way that like leftist bloggers meme shitposters are so it would be easy for someone who isn’t aware of how these manipulative techniques work. and yeah, that op is 18 and that worries me because like, they’re fucking young and impressionable, and it does seem like (if we take them at their word) they are just stumbling into their politics.

example from that op’s post:

So like my first major change of opinion was about gun control. And as my mind changed on that and did research into the subject and within maybe about 45 minutes of watching guys review their favorite guns on youtube, I realized that liberals have literally no idea what they’re talking about when it comes to guns. Like, not a clue. It is like somebody who has never even rode in a car is writing traffic laws

So I began to wonder what else they were wrong about. And it turns out there was a lot. I don’t care for the blind obedience to corporations and now I don’t trust anything politicians say. The only way any law EVER gets passed is if it benefits corporations and lobbyists.

people eat it up too. The “i fucking love science” people are like religious zealots who forgot how LITERAL SCIENTISTS were bribed by the tobacco industry to come out and say cigarettes are good for your health. Oh yeah, I’m sure that NEVER HAPPENED ever again.

I do believe in environmentalism and cutting down emissions and I also think that green tech is how we bring jobs back to the USA (like how Teslas are made in the USA). But I don’t really think that the politicians are going to hold the people responsible for pollution accountable. Instead the blame is going to be on regular people for taking too long of a shower. That is just an example

okay. so I actually agree about liberal politicians not understanding guns. this DOES make a lot of gun control poorly conceptualized, and as people like Beau of the Fifth Column have outlined, gun-loving advocates of gun control need to be the ones crafting gun control since they UNDERSTAND gun culture and what will and won’t work.

and yes, politicians are in bed with corporations on the whole. and yes, environmentalism is good. op is also right that politicians push individual bandaids for climate change instead of top down action on the corporations and (the US military) which are most responsible.

I also should mention ecofascism is a thing.

when some anon sends them a question about if they support the capitol riot, they answer: I don’t because I don’t think Trump was worth it. 

which begs a question: when is a coup worth it?

someone else says “yikes smells like a fascist” and they say something like it’s coco chanel. which, yeah coco chanel was a fascist.

and considering how authoritarian japan is, and how fascist weebs fucking love that, this answer on feminism freaked me out:

I live in California, which is supposed to be a liberal feminist Mecca but somehow I still don’t feel safe going outside alone at night. But I didn’t feel this way when I lived in Okinawa (Japan apparently has a notoriously misogynist culture)

guys. just check posts before they go viral. if you care. if you don’t, if i find out that that person who i saw reblog that shit is cool with this? fuck off from these kids in the fandoms you’re in.

*edit: that person didn’t know that op is fascist btw

[captainsassmanes]

Apparently something happened to this little guy! Thank you to the anon letting me know it was swallowed!! Follow up to Look Away

Guerin was everywhere.

He’d had enough respect to give Alex a wide berth and to not speak to him but he showed up anywhere Alex seemed to be.

Alex picked up burgers at 11 am when the Crashdown opened. Michael was already there.

Alex went to the grocery store in the middle of the night. Michael was in the next aisle.

Alex went on a date at the Pony. There was Michael.

He’d been trying so hard. Trying to live a normal life. Trying to breath more freely and spend time rediscovering what it was he actually wanted to do; who he wanted to be. But, even if Michael wasn’t in his space, he was still consumed by him.

As a small form of self-inflicted torture, Alex had taken himself on a tour of the newly renovated UFO Emporium. He’d stood in their room, in their spot, and closed his eyes. That moment would forever be the moment of his life.

“Feeling nostalgic?”

Alex’s head whipped to the side as Isabel entered the room. He’d never admit it but he admired her something fierce. She was exactly who she appeared to be and refused to apologize for it. She’d been through hell, a type of hell Alex could empathize with, and she’d come out of it swinging and taking no prisoners.

She was a fucking bad ass.

Trying his best to play it cool and push down the emotions he’d been a bit overwhelmed with, he simply shrugged. “Haven’t seen the changes yet.”

Isabel nodded, heels clicking on the tile. They ended up shoulder to shoulder staring at a glass display of rock samples.

“You know my brother’s been through hell, right?” Alex refused to take his eyes off the fake rocks, afraid of what Isabel’s face might look like. He bit his lip and nodded silently.

“No one’s ever shown him how to cope when things go bad.” She moved slowly around the small case and met Alex’s gaze through the glass, alien artifacts between them. “He grew up with alcoholics and religious zealots. He didn’t speak for a long time and then, when he did, he didn’t want to talk about anything; he always buried it. Then the drinking and the one night stands.”

Alex found himself nodding subconsciously. He knew Michael had seen it all, been through more than anyone should ever suffer. None of this was a surprise to him having heard it from Michael himself.

“I think you gave him hope for awhile.” Alex rolled his eyes at that and turned away, mock disbelief covering for his regret.

“Excuse me, I’m still speaking.” He froze and waited for Isabel to round on him, moving into his space and looking him dead in the eye. With a sigh, she said, “he was treated horribly as a kid, then as a teen and people kept letting him down when he was an adult-”

Alex made a small, pained noise and tried shifting away, but Isabel’s perfectly polished fingers took hold of his wrist, her strength surprising and undeniable. “We all let him down, Alex. At some point we all messed up. But that doesn’t mean that the way he’s coping now is healthy. Or that it’s gonna last.”

She gave a small smile and headed slowly out of the room, pausing at the doorway with an exasperated sigh. Alex couldn’t help but shake his head at her dramatics but met her at the door nonetheless. They walked back out into the sunlight together, not saying a word.

“She’s my best friend.” Alex’s voice was quiet and hoarse. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d actually spoken to anyone. “And he’s the only person I want to love. I can’t-I can’t just watch them together. It’s not okay.”

As his voice cracked, Isabel moved her hand into his and squeezed. “He’s lying to her everyday. He’s keeping the biggest part of himself, the biggest events of his life, from her. Their happiness is pretend. And maybe he needs that right now. I don’t know your deal with DeLuca and, I’ll be honest, I don’t care that much. But maybe Michael needs soft and fluffy happiness right now and he’s working overtime to convince himself he has it.”

All he could do was nod and squint into the sunlight. “I know. It’s bullshit, but I know.”

“Do you box?”

Alex huffed a laugh at the sudden change in subject. “Do I what?”

Isabel groaned with annoyance. “Box. Like, do you know how to fight?”

Alex nodded. “Yeah. I’m not great or anything, but I can fight. Why?”

She turned and she blocked out the sun. “I want to learn. How to defend myself. You can teach me.”

Alex raised an eyebrow in challenge. “I don’t know. Like I said, I’m not-”

“You come to my place on Saturday afternoon. You teach, I give you food and wine.”

Alex tried to imagine Isabel fighting and sweating and, to his surprise, he could actually picture it. “Sure.”

He gave her a small smile and headed toward his Jeep, pretending not to notice Michael’s truck outside of the Crashdown and ignoring how his heart skipped at the sight.

“Hey, Alex!”

He turned toward Isabel, her voice pulling him out of his own thoughts. “It’s all gonna be your choice in the end. When he comes back, because he will, you’ll get to decide the next play. Secrets only stay secret for so long. “

With that, she gave a wink and headed off, slick ponytail swinging side to side.

Alex got into his Jeep and closed his eyes. He had no idea where his future was going but Isabel, some sweat and a lot of wine sounded like a fun start.

[luminousbeansarewe]

4, 1, and 19, if you want?

oh yeah let's goooOo

1. do you find force-users or non-force-users more interesting?

ok so, i honestly can’t answer this question directly bc what i find the most interesting is when these two interact with each other. because focusing on just Force users is... well... not that fun. it turns into OP characters slinging shit at each other 90% of the time, so if they don’t have an important relationship outside of their Force use, like Vader and Ahsoka as fallen master/big brother to defected apprentice/little sister, their Force powers become the focus and that’s only cool for like a fight scene or something. which is one drop in the ocean of what makes interesting stories or even good fight scenes! for example Vader’s fight with Ahsoka in Rebels is way more interesting than Yoda’s duel with Palpatine or Anakin’s first duel with Dooku or...

this isn’t as long as i was afraid it would be but ima throw it under a cut just for the sake of the mobile users lol

the best interaction between two Force users that focuses on the Force itself is Kanan and the Bendu, because the Bendu is so unlike every other Force user we’re aware of that finally something is interesting again. it’s no longer about good/evil or light/dark, it’s about transcending your own limitations and seeing everything for what it truly is. it’s about the real power of the Force, how it connects nature and the senses and the cycles of life and death. it’s about finding peace in yourself within that chaos that will always surround you, rather than trying to control the chaos (either by wielding it like the Sith, or by subduing it like the Jedi). it’s the objective and impersonal wisdom that can only come from radical acceptance in lieu of believing that a thing “should” or “should not” be a certain way, which is what Kanan is struggling with. i also hate how passive the Bendu is, despite also loving him a lot, but that’s a whole ‘nother essay lol

otherwise my interest comes from non-users and how they interface with users. you already addressed this re: vague and/or cultural notions of the Force (seeing users as religious zealots or practitioners of magic, etc) and how that would or, perhaps more importantly, would not influence a non-user’s life or choices politically or personally. but when mundane life comes up against those who use the Force, the friction is absolutely fascinating

the thing that irks me is that we don’t get enough of this in the canon. it might have been explored more in some of the legends (i am still wading around in the old EU, so i don’t know all the nuances yet) but what i wanna know is: why did Leia think that raising her son (kids, if you go with the old EU) and leading the New Republic was a tradeoff with being trained by Luke? would her non-Force sensitive allies and peers in the NR think her use was an asset or a threat? was Han Solo afraid of his son’s Force powers (which would be totally reasonable)? how did the parents of the kids taken by the Jedi Order actually feel about that, and what happened if they resisted? how did the fucking janitors of the Jedi Temple feel about it? if you live on an impoverished world where black market trade is the only reliable source of regular income, do you just think the Jedi are cops? we know how the Mandalorians felt about the Jedi, but they’re the only non-Force users (at least mostly, seeing as there are a few Mandos who are sensitive after all) that we know have a mostly unified and negative opinion of the Jedi mostly bc they were the only non-users who dared to stand up to them and they got fucking wiped out for it- and the Jedi had to fall back on ethically dubious means to accomplish that. so what was Satine’s opinion of having a Jedi escort before she went all uwu over Obi-Wan? what about the other species and cultures? how would they handle becoming close to (either emotionally or out of some necessity) a Force user? THESE ARE THE THINGS I WANNA KNOW

4. what headcanon will you defend to the death?

this is a struggle for me bc there are so many good ones, some of which conflict with each other but are still good so i will entertain either, and i have some of my own. i will defend someone’s right to their own headcanon even if i don’t fuck with it personally.

but i gotta say... Mace isn’t dead tho

if Maul can get cut in fucking half.... ijs

19. what’s your opinion on legends/expanded universe?

there is a lot of really awesome shit in the legends. i have no reverence for one over the other unless it’s important in the context of whatever i am writing/reading. i enjoy having two canons to pick from when i write tbh. i like that legends Thrawn is actually kind of a ruthless and feral dude, but new canon Thrawn is an antivillain (don’t get me started on the continuity problems between Rebels and the novels, that was pure lack of communication on the part of the creators and is just annoying same as the entire sequel trilogy). i think the new canon should have drawn more on some of the good stuff from legends; for example i wish Ben Solo was even remotely as cool as Jacen Solo, the character from legends that he’s very loosely based on. i think without the expanded universe stuff, Star Wars would not be what it is, and that is the most important thing about it.

plus it includes KOTOR I & II and that is obviously VERY crucial lol

[commanderatherfuck]

Have you ever licked a lamppost in winter?

*sips hard liquor from a “World’s Best Fandom” coffee mug*

Yes, you got it right, this is happening. Get comfortable there, in today’s episode we’re going to bust one of the most popular myths among cullenmancers of all time:

“Cullen can't be a virgin in DAI because he's hot, confident and 30”.

First of all, I’d like to point out that I’m very reluctant to the notorious image of DAI Cullen as a "chantry boy", which basically means the face of DAI Cullen slapped on the DAO Alistair character. As ironic as it may seem the main accomplishment of forcing this image was a creation of strong belief within the fandom that the virgin!cullen headcanon is something utterly AU-ish, existing only in the minds of those who’re into virginity kink. I’m going to give you another perspective on this popular viewpoint.

The most common argument in defense of nonvirgin!cullen position sounds like:

“Cullen doesn’t act like a virgin in DAI”

I have two problems with this statement. First one is that this argument traditionally comes along with a comparison between DAI Cullen and DAO Alistair. The logical structure looks like: “Alistair was an awkward virgin in DAO. Cullen’s behavior in DAI is nothing alike. Therefore Cullen is not a virgin in DAI”. The mistake here is that Alistair’s behavior in DAO doesn’t define the behavior of every virgin in the world, not mentioning the fact that comparison between DAO Alistair and DAI Cullen is completely inappropriate. Don’t you think that it’s a little bit strange to expect the exact same behavior from a young and innocent boy and adult worn and torn guy just because both of them don’t have sexual experience?

The second problem I have is getting the “doesn’t act like a virgin” part. It sounds almost like there's some unified pattern of virgins' behavior when obviously there's none. The stereotype of a shy awkward virgin, incapable of saying two words without stuttering, is a powerful one but it is still a stereotype. Very blunt too, so it’s really surprising for me to see how many people are eager to fall for it. And just like any other stereotype, this one cannot be applied to everyone and certainly not to Cullen as a matter of fact. Cullen does act confident in DAI and the main reason for it is that he is mature first and foremost.

The lack of experience in sex alone doesn't nullify the general maturity.

I really don't know how to stress this enough. This is arguably the most bugging thing about the whole (non)virgin!cullen drama for me and the very reason why I decided to create this post. Cullen is confident because he's a mature, grown-ass man who's gone through ugly shit more than once and survived. He won't act like Alistair even if he is a virgin. It just doesn't work like this, okay? He's a mature adult, Alistair is a young innocent boy. And it has nothing to do with sexual experience. The concept of maturity is a little more complex than just the fact of having or not having sex in life. It's possible to be an irresponsible child with rich sexual life and a fully responsible adult without any sexual experience at all.

Lack of sexual experience is not equal innocence and Cullen is by no means innocent.

He's seen some shit, he's done some shit. Cullen has stable, fully developed personality, he mastered himself and earned his maturity hard way and that's exactly where his confidence comes from. Lack or existence of sex in his life is completely irrelevant for it.

Just to be perfectly clear: Cullen's confidence comes from his maturity, but his maturity doesn't come from lack or existence of sexual experience in his life.

________________________________________________________________

Now when we cleared this up let’s figure out why virgin!cullen headcanon is at least equal to nonvirgin!cullen and why you don’t have to be an adept of “virginity cult” to embrace it.

The main reason why Cullen can be a virgin in DAI lies in his tremendously traumatized background.

@aurianavaloria has a wonderful lore-friendly character research on the matter, so I strongly recommend to read it to be able to get the whole picture.

I have a serious problem with how lightly fandom treats serious topics such as PTSD and mental trauma in Cullen's biography. I've seen way too many people among both fans and haters who either ignore the Kinloch incident completely or perceive it like some small unfortunate event while it was actually a milestone in Cullen's personality formation. Just think about it - young innocent pup who'd never seen abominations or even death before had gone through horrific shit: loads of gruesome deaths of friends and people he was supposed to protect, severe mental and physical tortures and possibly even rape. And right after that instead of long and proper treatment, he got straight into hands of charismatic zealot who gave him some sort of crooked sympathy, nurturing his fears and hatred.

This kind of trauma is not something that can be overcome fast and easily and it certainly had a major impact on Cullen's personality development.

I’ve seen more than once the argument that:

“10 years is a long period of time, long enough to get over with PTSD. I can’t believe he didn’t have any action during that time, not necessarily something serious, but you know, just regular banging”.

Well, let me tell you one thing – one of the worst aspects of having PTSD is that side effects linger for a ridiculously long time, some never go away even if the person recovering in peace, surrounded by family and loved ones. Cullen didn’t have the luxury of recovering, he was forced to face his fears on the regular basis. The only thing that kept him sane was faith, in Maker and in the Order, represented by ‘”supportive” Knight-Commander. To think, his relationship with Meredith was a true deal with the devil. She showed him some kind of sympathy as she had the similar experience in her lifetime, and, what’s more important, showed him that there’s another path to prevent any further pain. The proper treatment he truly needed after events of the Broken Circle was replaced by the false purpose, based on fear and fanatical devotion to the duty and the Order. It did work but in a rather distorted way. Cullen’s recovery was like an improperly healed leg bone – painful, unstable, with lingering side effects, but at least he still could have been able to stand. And that’s exactly why I find it difficult to blame him for the notorious “magesarenotpeople” drama. It’s way too easy to brand him a villain in DAII, however, all I see there is a young broken person, clinging for the shards of sanity and trying to find the strength to go on after the severe trauma wherever he can, even in the blind zealotry. Was it a wrong way to go? Absolutely. Do I have a moral right to blame him for it? Not even close.  

So, long story short, 10 years totally may be not long enough to overcome PTSD, especially under the circumstances of constant stress and fear. The things are even more complicated if there was a sexual assault of any form during the Broken Circle. Sex and PTSD is a whole different topic for another day, let’s just say that impacts of a mental trauma can make sexual life really tricky. That makes the “regular banging” part quite dubious, not mentioning that casual sex is not for everyone to begin with. Some people do it lightly, some people don’t do it at all, either way is absolutely normal for any gender. Whether Cullen is the “regular banging” type or not and how badly PTSD affected his post-Fereldan sexual life is up to one’s headcanons. Personally, I’ve seen no evidence during the series that allow to affirm that Cullen divides concepts “sex” and “sex in the relationship”. The main problem for me is that one needs to treat casual sex lightly to perform it, and Cullen’s attitude towards pretty much everything is anything but light. Almost everyone who ever speaks of him during the game mentions at some point that he’s very serious, if not uptight. Hell, even Quis herself can tell him during the wedding cutscene “Always so serious”. This image doesn’t really get along well with the concept of casual fucking in my mind. But this is just my take on the character anyway.

Of course, all of this above doesn't prove that Cullen is necessarily a virgin in the Inquisition but it does prove that he has every reason to be one. According to WOT Cullen's attitude during Kirkwall period was cold towards both mages and templars, he didn't want to let anyone in and had a damn good reason for it.

There's a very high possibility that Cullen could have chosen to close himself from any kind of close social interactions (sexual ones like casual banging included) to prevent any further pain after traumatic events of the past and there's nothing strange or wrong about that.

________________________________________________________________

For the record, I do recognize the power of headcanons and totally respect them. I have zero problems with the fact that some people don’t see Cullen as a virgin in DAI. That’s how headcanons work and I’m more than cool with it. What gives me cringe however is the fact that some people claim that Cullen can’t be a virgin in DAI just because it’s not “normal” for a 30 yo handsome man to be one. This is arguably the most toxic argument in defense of nonvirgin!cullen position ever. I won’t torment you with off-topic *virginity is a social concept* rant, instead of that I’ll just say that the modern world's concept of a 'normal guy' may not work in Thedas. I strongly doubt that the social pattern of a "normal man" who should lose his virginity in between his early teens and mid-20s is fully acceptable for Thedas. The society with the ultimate power of the religious organization is very likely to be less reluctant to the idea of adult virginity than the modern one. Chantry is presumed to have its members, templars included, virtuous. It's not required, yes, templars can marry and sex is not totally tabooed for people who serve the Chantry but apparently, physical temperance is a thing for andrastian religion (remember Alistair's memories of his Templar days or Sebastian's celibacy) and not considered as a deviation. My general point here is that meeting an adult virgin man in Thedas is more frequent occurrence and more acceptable social concept than it is in the modern world.

Speaking of Cullen in particular, the man can be a virgin in DAI because of his traumatized background, PTSD, and following lifestyle choices. Considering all that, you can see that the virgin!cullen headcanon has a bit more solid backup than just “cult of virginity” or “first-time-big-deal kink” and that’s exactly what makes the whole thing totally plausible. And yes, it is plausible.

The writer deliberately left the virgin/nonvirgin thing ambiguous and did a pretty good job with that I dare say. Every romance related scene with Cullen can be read either way. There’s not a single scene in the game that can categorically prove that Cullen is/isn’t a virgin.

O RLY? :

“Cullen laughed at Bull's dick joke - HALF-LIFE 3 NONVIRGINITY CONFIRMED”

Um, no? The only thing confirmed in this scene is that Cullen finds the joke amusing and that he actually has a sense of humor hidden deep underneath his usual polite cold attitude. Let's just assume he is a virgin in this scene. So why wouldn't he laugh? Because he's not able to get sexual context without actual experience? I don't think it works that way, getting jokes is about intelligence and sense of humor, you don't need to have the exact same experience mentioned in the joke to find it funny. Besides, look at Cullen's attitude in this scene again, it's not all that confident "good one, bro". He definitely feels uncomfortable, even more uncomfortable than Josie a.k.a. Ultimate Disney Princess, so this scene definitely doesn't seem like a solid proof of Cullen's sexual experience existence.

Yeah, that’s all good, BUT :

“He said that there’s nothing wrong with having a bit of fun – it proves that he is experienced!”

Once again, Cullen is an adult in Inquisition. He is aware of sexual intercourse existence and won’t faint or something just because he witnessed its aftermath. If he is still a virgin it’s not because he’s a prude or reluctant to the very idea of sex, but because of deep personal problems, caused by traumatic past. “Nothing wrong with having a bit of fun” can be a simple display of “live and let live” principle. For example, an asexual person can tell you “doing hardcore sex is totally ok if you’re happy with it”. Same idea here.

Bitch, please:

"Two words: Desk. Sex. Alistair is inexperienced. Cullen’s got moves. Fight me" “It’s not something a virgin would do” ”This is not the action of a virgin” “DESK SCENE”

Ok, we finally made it to the juiciest part of this episode. What could I possibly say against the almighty Desk Scene, the bastion of Commander’s Sexual Experience? Well, wonder no more – the answer is “conversation before it”. The paradox is – if Cullen’s pre-sex conversation would have been identical to Alistair’s I’d agree with y’all – the man is by no means a virgin. The guy tells the woman he loves how much he cares and asks her to spend a night with him here and now. After she says “yes” the guy fucks her mindlessly on the table. Very hot and yep, there’s definitely some experience right there. But it’s not what happened at all. Just rewatch the scene once again.

*video captured by Geek Remix

You do see the difference, right? He’s not asking to spend a night with him, he’s asking to spend a life with him.

He’s really tensed and frustrated all along, hesitating to ask the woman he loves to share a future with him because it seems «too much to ask». It’s a real commitment for him – to open up to someone first time in a very long time. He feels extremely vulnerable at this point and probably makes one of the hardest personal choices ever. He’s not even sure how to formulate his question because he’s afraid that he’s asking too much of her. And then she simply turns him towards her with the gentle “Cullen, do you need to ask?” as if she’s already made the decision he found difficult even to express.

Do you see how important for him this scene is? It’s not just “I totally want you here and now” moment, it’s “I totally love you and want you here and now” moment. The scene is hands down hot, but there’s so much more in it than just a simple steamy moment between two lovers. In fact, the sex itself is secondary in this scene, it’s more about feelings, acceptance and trust. What’s happening here is the guy who doesn’t consider himself as a good person asking the woman he deeply cares about to accept him with all his shit he’s constantly kicking himself for and become the part of his life. And she does. Unconditionally. The significance of this conversation for Cullen is so much greater than just “we’ll bang, ok?”, it means the end of the whole phase of his life, it means that he actually managed to get over with bitterness and chosen solitude after Kinloch, it means that he finally got a chance to live for himself with the person he loves by his side.

Mention that he didn’t start to rip her clothes off right after this realization, he’s still somewhat hesitant, the fists are clenched,“I suppose not. I want­­­­-”. Notice this little concerned pause after Quis knocks the bottle off his desk and then this one big “Fuck it” moment happens. Like all the pieces are suddenly fit - he trusts her, he loves her, he wants her, so no more doubts. The following *sweeping shit off the desk and expressing overwhelming feelings on top of the closest available surface* episode is an act of pure passion, fueled by strong feelings, that kind of passion when nothing except the person you truly want at this very moment matters, neither place nor past sexual experiences. And that’s why it’s completely irrelevant whether Cullen was a virgin prior to this scene or not.

[ajebjorkman-blog]

The Long Cold Open to Socialism or Barbarism... or Party Space Alpha

Recently, I bumped into a few of those unfortunate zombies propelled into mindless shuffling by the absolute horror of the hollow center; and, if it’s the case that the concept of the hollow center draws a blank—the dank whiteness of the silver screen before some Clint Eastwood shooting-gun-male-sociopath-revenge-drama—try to imagine a vast pit of waste, much like the overarching metaphor of Don DeLillo’s mind-numbingly boring Underworld. All in all, though, and to cut my tendency toward preciousness to at best shorter, the hollow center is cra(aa)p—the hollow center is a space endlessly differentiated and endlessly atomizing and endlessly unfeeling, and as is the case with the very idea of all things endless (whatever that may mean), time and history stops to matter, specifically history. The end of history has already happened, though, with the fall of the Soviet Union—at least according to Frances Fukuyama. He’s still alive, right?  

Or, or… 

or think of the hollow center like this: it’s the forever-noon party—or whatever time of day the elderly booze up and kick down—of Hypercharged Capital held at Party Space Alpha.  

Ayn Rand, Milton Friedman and Friedrich Hayek are adored keynote speakers, brought back from the dead by scientism-magic to white-counter the supposed browning of the world, or, as some religious zealots opine, the existential threat of the tainting of the world.

Rand says, “The worst guilt is to accept an unearned guilt.”

The crowd cheers and chants, “Galt! Who the fuck is Galt!!?”

Friedman says, “Shock, shock, shock!”

The crowd cheers and chants, though quizzingly, “Who is Galt?”

Hayek says something about force from afar as a corrective while the crowd tries to find the one voice who said, “Galt is Atlas, no? Greek stuff, I think.”

After speeches and rants, lobotomized servants serve finger food from gold platters, and Ted Nugent takes the stage, humps his guitar and sings about pedophilia and freedom.

And look at those skeletons shuffle and jig, some pumping their fists and whiplashing their necks.

Joy and sanity, re-enter my world. You enter Party Space Alpha, try to get a feel for the place, and you think:

So this is where I’ve come to.

You mingle...and look, there’s one of those Zoomer-influencers you’ve heard about, always be gramming.  

“What I’m trying to do, see,” the Zoomer-influencer says, “is to make jokes about race and fucking and such, you know, make them great again, hint, hint.” (Yes, he says hint, hint out loud-) Also, ”That dead man hanging. Sad, very sad. I already said I’m sorry, ok!” He storms off, leaving you to think about things when a hand, moist, so moist, graces your shoulder.

You turn around. A somewhat cross-eyed dude—on closer inspection, however, he’s not cross-eyed, just dead-eyed—speaks to you in an affected, puppet-like voice, like his vocal chords are somehow placed inside his Adam’s apple.

The dead-eyed dude with weird Adam’s apple-voice says, “Want to discuss ideas?”

You nod. You’re already here, you think, so why not. You throw a few ideas up for consideration and deliberation: Socialized housing and healthcare, that’d be a good start, you think, after which you mention structures of oppression and that they’re crap; you mention essentialism, the idea of Spinozian substances and God-given grace and soul and pineal gland homunculus’ puppetry and phrenology and sociobiology and Steven Pinker, and how these fucked up descriptive statements prescribe fucked up social agendas; you skip from Hume (you can’t experience causality, am I right) to Kant (Let’s critique pure reason, am I right) through Hegel (History isn’t purely spiritual, am I right) to Marx. Also, because why not, and it’s not really and ad hominem,  you mention that it would be quite funny to create a Japanese game show where libertarians, fascists, conservatives, and dangerously daft liberals are mildly tortured for the prize of cool trinkets.

The dead-eyed dude nods, furrows his brow and smacks his tongue—a hint of anxiousness, like eels speeding his dead eye-water, momentarily turns him somewhat human. He says:

“I see. But you see, I want to discuss high-level ideas, like do you have an iPhone? If so, you’re no oppressed.”

You leave because the dead-eyed weird dude was about to have a stroke, or so it seemed, ranting about oppression O(h)lympics and whatever else.

From the corner of the vast space, a dwarfed dude with a boyish bowl-cut speedily espouses that facts don’t care about your emotions and that the labor theory of value is anachronistic balderdash. He espouses this to a party-fun-house-mirror, in training for debate-destroying. To his right, arms crossed, stands a gang of clean-shaven dudes. They all wear Fred Perry- shirts. They’re all sweaty, and their sweat forms a cloud, and the cloud spells: We Are Disenfranchised Also, Blue Lives Matter. Also, one of the dudes holds a katana. Lord knows why. Another dead-eyed dude-bro-boy close by—there’s so many of them, more or less affective, this one like a flat line—explains that the Lord is dead, which, sure, you think, sounds like a shame.

In a dull monotone, the Flatliner continues:

“The hadith… the muslem or Mos-Lem religion, Islam—that explains the katana. It’s a necessary precaution to ward off the onslaught—and don’t take me out of context, please, I’m only ideating like Socrates in the, eh, in the Atheneum.  

“What onslaught?” you ask.

“It’s a moral priority to honestly and openly assess the geopolitical and, eh, moral consequences of the actual content of the Quran, and, eh… so, turning a blind eye to, eh, to statistically significant increases in, eh, rape and… so rape and terror, yes terror—that’s not only morally ambiguous, it’s morally vacuous, and my contention and intention as a civil Western…”

“Sorry to interrupt, but I do wonder what you think about this, Mr. Flatline: Socrates was deemed dangerous and such, right, and he was killed by the state for riling up the hoi polloi, for advancing critical thinking and debate. He was force-fed that killing drink, right, the one that killed him off in increments from feet to head. So, as a latter-day Socrates, will you help me understand if there is an analogy between being forced to drink the killing drink and, how should I phrase it—being coerced to drink the Kool-Aid, in that both drinks literally kills off something? I know it’s somewhat heady and not entirely coherent, but you know, nothing is entirely coherent. Contradictions and that.”

“Well, this is typical muddying of the water…”

“Or muddying the fluid? Kool-Aid, killing drink, Kool-Aid, killing drink…”

“Woo-woo. If you look at the end of my first book, in the last footnote of the epilogue, I clearly refer to a footnote in a blog post about this subject, and that footnote, if only you’d just read it—it clearly refers to what I said in my podcast some year or so ago, so.”

You leave, not daring to continue what already initially was a torturous exchange. You start to feel heavy and kind of fragmented at the same time. Weird.  

   Somewhere else in Part Space Alpha an orange blob in diapers eats hamburgers and ribs and chocolate and wipes the drooping and drooping corners of his mouth with the flag of Palestine while a hunched over assistant takes notes:

NEED TO BUY MORE FOOD FOR LEADER. (It’s so Alpha to capitalize notes.)

Someone fires a gun into the air and laughs amidst applause. Such a nice gun! The orange blob stops munching and laughs without it sounding like laughter. He just opens his mouth and shows his teeth. He says:

“My guy. Give him a tank.” He realizes, shouts: “Where’s my African American!”

No one responds or arrives. There’s few to no black or brown people in Party Space Alpha; also, quite a few women dare venture into Party Space Alpha, because… Party Space Alpha.

Hunched over one of the few women present, Slender Man in a fedora and a pinstriped suit berates and gestures and cries a little:

“The absence of women in Party Space Alpha forms the materiality of the legitimacy of the perceived subordination of those young men to whom the existential and the individual necessity of sexual intercourse is denied. If only these young men were allowed to slap and slap happily, there’d be mental equilibrium.”

Enough.

You exit by the back door unto the Wasteland, your only refuge from the constant violence of Party Space Alpha; and you’re not feeling morally vacuous for being ok with the idea of this vast space somehow eating itself to death. So, Party Space Alpha is the hollow center. It WILL fuck you up.

[nopageone]

Far Cry Has A Major Problem with Endings

Before I get into it, allow me to admit that yes, this piece (essay? article?) is a year or so late, given Far Cry 5 came out last year. But I only now got around to playing it since I got the Gold Edition on sale, and for what it's worth I'm perfectly prepared to recommend Far Cry 5. However, do not go into this game expecting it to end well.

Now I can't discuss more without going into Spoiler™ territory so click off now if you don't want to be spoiled for any of the last 3 main series Far Cry games (that is to say 3,4, and 5). Cool? Cool.

So. Far Cry 5 has three endings. The first one is accessed by not doing the first thing the game tells you to do, kinda the opposite of Far Cry 4's secret ending which you access by being fucking polite for once and waiting for Pagan Min to return to the table; an ending I honestly hold up as the best in the series (although admittedly I know not how 1 or 2 end, having only come to the series with 3). The other two endings, the ones you have to actually play the game to get, are both underwhelming at best.

At the climax of the game you are given two choices: Resist or Walk Away. Walking away gives you the bad ending where you just fuck off, leaving the religious cult to go back to subjugating and killing the locals, only to turn on the radio to the song Only You, which our character has been conditioned by the cult to fly into a kill frenzy upon hearing, everyone dies, the end. It's like an M. Night Shyamalan ending but somehow even less inspired. But it's not the canonical ending according to developer Ubisoft Montreal so we can let it slide I guess. What I can't let slide is the even more M. Night Shyamalan-esque canonical ending; Resist.

The resist ending has you fight all of your allies, suddenly brainwashed by the cult out of fucking nowhere, until you've killed and revived all twelve of them, animal companions aren't included here and thank fuck for that because I couldn't find it in me to pump Cheeseburger full of armor piercing LMG rounds. Once you've killed and revived all of your pals, you pump some AP LMG rounds into main villain Joseph Seed and enter what is ostensibly the final cut scene. The sheriff arrests Seed, and then suddenly an atomic bomb goes off in the background. Yeah turns out the insane religious zealot with the doomsday cult was actually completely fucking right. Cue us and our fellow cops loading into a car and desperately trying to make it to a bunker as Hope County descends into nuclear hellfire all around us. What is completely baffling is why we bring Joseph with us. The entire game has been building up to killing the bastard and here we are trying to save him. Long story short, we don't make it to the bunker, crashing into a falling tree just outside of it, killing everyone. Well, almost everyone. We survive, and are pulled from the wreckage by Joseph Seed, who proceeds to chain us up inside the bunker, and declare us his child. End of game.

What.

Of course now we know this ending was to set up the premise for New Dawn, which does look interesting, but being a sequel hook doesn't mean it's not a bad ending. The villain wins in all three endings of Far Cry 5, and while I am a noted proponent of "The Bad Guy Wins™", championing Empire Strikes Back and Nineteen Eighty-Four as being examples of that ending done well; "The Bad Guy Wins™" only works if you undermine it later or in the Horror and Dystopia Genres, and, I would argue, can only work in video games in the "our actions inadvertently led to the bad guy winning" subtype, as the sense of our actions actually having an impact is vitally important.

Take Dishonored 2 for instance, the ending of the game changes based on your actions, and if you've been sufficient enough a bastard you can even choose not to rescue the person you're meant to be rescuing. The point is it felt like my actions actually had a bearing on the critical path of the plot. In Far Cry 5 I don't get that feeling. Nuclear hellfire would have come even if the Deputy hadn't liberated the three regions of Hope Country from Joseph's family.

But this ending problem isn't exclusive to Far Cry 5, the series as a whole has a major problem with endings. Far Cry 3's endings basically boil down to "die" or "go back to the real world a derranged killer wholly unadjusted to society"; and 4's to "install a religious zealot as leader of fantasy Nepal" or "install a fascist drug lord as leader of fantasy Nepal". Granted Ajay can kill both of them but it doesn't actually change the world in any meaningful way.

The Far Cry series is a series worth playing don't get me wrong, very few game series do open worlds quite as well, and clearing out outposts remains a great deal of fun. But the series, despite its penchant for charismatic villains and otherwise enjoyable plots, are incredibly impotent when it comes to the finish.

(Far Cry 3 and Far Cry 4 are available now on Xbox 360, PlayStation 3, Xbox One, PlayStation 4 and PC; Far Cry 5 is available now on Xbox One, PlayStation 4 and PC)