#funny thing is we tried to somehow get it to 15 mins (supposed talking time At Least)

[imabiscuitinthousandworlds]

THERE IS AN ESSAY TO BE WRITTEN ABOUT THE SIMILARITIES AND DIFFERENCES BETWEEN 1984 AND THE CIRCLE JUST TO GET IT OUT OF MY MIND AND THERE'S AN ESSAY OR AT LEAST ANALYSIS LURKING SOMEWHERE BETWEEN INTERNET CENSORSHIP LEADING TO WORDS LIKE "UNALIVE" AND NEWSPEAK BUT BRAIN NO ESSAY WRITING HARDLY EVEN EASY HOBBY WRITING WHICH I'VE BEEN PRACTICING FOR YEARS THAT REQUIRES NO STRUCTURE SPECIFICALLY I AM CHEWING ON THE BARS OF MY ENCLOSURE

[stanzoeywade]

Can you write angsty and soft poppy? I need it after the 1st chapter 🤧🤧. She acts so betchy and tough even when she's getting ganged up by the top 15. But what if poppy accidentally drops off her mask and mc being a simp defends her for once?

Taglist: @somewillwin @uhh-the-green-thing @jmojellybae @simp-pony @made-me-deep-blue @uselesslesbianfr @it-lives-in-braidwood-manor @belvoiresqueenbee @alexlabhont @samanthadalton @crazzyplays @sparring-hyena @baexpoppy @cloakanddaggerthings @thepotatobleh @somin-yin @narierei2709 @shows-simp-card @thatwhorefromnextdoor @cloud9in

Poppy shows up on campus adorned with a black veil and dress. Rosie can't help but stare in disbelief. She expected Poppy to show up in her fuzzy pink jacket that was infamous all throughout the campus, so needless to say she was shocked. However, anyone with eyes can see how well the dress hugged Poppy's figure, emphasising every curve and contour of her body.

The student body began chanting out insults, hoping to rid the campus of Poppy, however the blonde seemed uninterested as she continues on her way to Rosie. Her heels clacking across the concrete.

"Well, well, if it isn't Min-Sinclair. I would have thought that after your stunt last year that you'd have moved to a different university, but I guess that would have been too good to be true huh?" said Rosie as she scans Poppy up and down.

She couldn't help but stare at Poppy's midsection and she curses the form-fitting dress Poppy was wearing. Her head was spinning because the blonde was a centimetre away from her, and the smell of Poppy's perfume invaded her senses. It smelled way too familiar, and her mind races to all the times that they've gotten frisky.

Rosie's mind blanks as she continues to gawk at Poppy who seems to be saying something. However, her train of thought is disturbed once Selene puts a hand on Poppy. The blonde is obviously agitated, as she lunges for Selene, only for Rosie to pull her away.

"How dare you touch me, you walking poverty ad, once I get my hands on you I'm going to tear you apart!"

"That's enough Pop. Come on, let's go somewhere else, so we can talk."

Everyone watches with bated breath as they see Poppy being pulled away by their current queen bee.

Once they're far away from the rest of the student body. Poppy slips out of Rosie's grasp.

"Who do you think you are pulling me away like that? I have half a mind to fucking kill you, skank." said Poppy, eyes full of venom and rage. It's different from before though, Poppy looked tired and not into it, and Rosie notices.

"You're not angry at me, Poppy, I know you too well. I'm guessing your summer was as shit as mine?"

Shit would be an understatement, considering she spent every waking moment thinking about Poppy and how badly she screwed up. Rosie knew that she ruined any chance she might have had with Poppy.

Poppy loses the scowl, and her shoulders slump as she finally lets herself become vulnerable, knowing that Rosie wasn't going to do anything to hurt her. She moves forward, punching Rosie gently on the shoulder as she says "I fucking hate the fact that I lost to you. I hate everything about you, so why is it that I also have feelings for you." Before she knows it, tears start falling as the weight of everything finally dawns on Poppy.

"I hate the fact that I don't care about what others think of me, but when it comes to you I get so anxious and different, all because I fell in love with you. Now, I'm Belvoire's laughing stock but I could care less, because I only care about your feelings for me."

She stops hitting Rosie, as she takes a deep breath to ground herself.

Rosie's speechless, this was definitely not something she expected from Poppy. Sure, they had their fair share of intimate moments where they've told each other how they felt, but this was different. This was Poppy's raw and unadulterated feelings. She would be lying if she said that she didn't possess similar feelings for Poppy.

"I tried so hard to get rid of my feeling for you during the summer, but somehow seeing your face again made everything come back. I'm in love with you and I loathe the feeling. I'm supposed to be your enemy, I wasn't supposed to even care about you. It vexes me that out of anyone in Belvoire, it just had to be you. The irony of it all would be funny but-"

Before Poppy can even continue her rant, Rosie's hands gravitate towards Poppy's cheeks as she holds them in between her fingers. She leans in to kiss Poppy, and it's not soft or sweet. It heated, teeth clashing and tongues dancing against each other fighting for dominance.

Rosie pulls aways heaving, as she gulps up the oxygen greedily as she pulls Poppy in for another kiss, taking her time, as if to savour the feeling of Poppy's infuriatingly soft and supple lips.

When they pull away Rosie looks at Poppy with a smile, whilst said blonde girl was flushed, porcelain skin turning crimson as she registers the situation.

"I'm in love with you too, you dumb fuck."

[unproduciblesmackdown]

even more prompts catchup

April 5th: What was school like for you, or what is it currently like for you if you are still in school? Elementary, high school, post-secondary?

i Hate/d school lmfao......like i do Like To Learn and Know Shit, and of course Sometimes / on some occasions it was like, hey i'm having a good to pretty great time at school, but those were usually Special occasions or teachers going out of their way to give us you know, fun projects / go beyond the Standardized Testing curriculum, which natch they couldn't always do / did require sort of going Above & Beyond, rather than being the constant, guaranteed experience of like hooray for school......it's like, oh hooray re: the Play Scenes my fourth grade english class did that was like, an Extra thing, where we got to audition and i just had a great time like oh right, clearly Theatre in retrospect, or hooray re: the field trips, or projects we did In Class, since i hated homework.......i was always that accursed (i mean, not accursed for Me, but) combination of "really a terrible student but also gets great grades" lmao i forever do things Last Minute but like, when i was At school, in class, i'd just power through whatever work there was then & there usually, and in middle school would sometimes do hw on the bus, as i was the last on the bus route to be picked up in the morning or dropped off in the afternoon, but as soon as i got home i was in Home Mode and yknow. didn't just sit down and continue School Stuff asap. also hardly ever Studying unless it's the night / morning before a test lmfao but i had a great memory for that stuff, so studying that last minute was like "yep, i Do remember this from going over it 2 seconds ago" so yknow, despite hating school / no good Study Habits(tm) or anything, i did fine. i also read a ton, at home or at school and at any other point. so i was also like, quiet and generally ~well behaved~ or whatever lol (the like "how are kids (or anyone) supposed to stay focused and on task for 7+ hours a day..." thing), segue into next paragraph

i also remember like, 3 day a week preschool being the first time i was, you know, in some sort of School and also around other kids that much, i did have this sense that like, somehow there were Rules that i wasn't following, not re: Classroom Rules or something, but wrt socializing with peers, like that everyone else had something going on in how they interacted which i wasn't gonna get right, & i had this sense of like, not really being Allowed to interact lmao, even being 4 years old i have a few distinct memories re: this of like, a) choosing to play by myself in the classroom or when outside, and b) my "best friend" being the one person who just like, chose to hang out with me lmfao, but i was like oh cool Having A Friend lmao, like i didn't Not want to have friends, i was just already aware of like, i don't feel like i can just up and interact w/these people and i don't feel like they want me to, and c) re: that being aware of whatever Rules Of Interaction existing and that i wouldn't meet them / abide by them and thus there'd be some kind of repercussion for not meeting those rules, and not being allowed, i remember that like. there was this other indoor playspace in the lower level and there were toys i wanted to play with but Refrained from, and it was like, why did 4 yr old me get the idea i Wasn't Really Allowed, and most of what i can theorize is that it was like, well other kids might want to play with that, and the Normal / Better kids should get priority lmao, and/or being nervous that it just might otherwise lead to some sort of Interaction i wouldn't feel ready for.....and d) sitting at a table with like whatever 4 or 5 other kids or something and amongst ourselves someone was like "oh put your foot in the middle if you're [x]" and i tried to join in on a technicality lmfao and also just in, you know, active efforts to be Participating with these other kids on their terms, and it did not pay off, something that repeated uhhhhh, forever i guess lol. insert that post like can allistic people be normal for 5 seconds.....

like in elementary school i wasn't really making friends either, incredibly, i was Amicably Tolerated by many people then & like, again also at any point after at least lmao (and it helps that i was generally in teachers' good graces, not that i narced on anyone ever, but i had like, my Niche as the Academically Successful One, and also i was the kid who draws, another shoutout to some post and tweet about how being The Drawing Kid was like, some measure of respect but also disdain lmfao...) and sometimes people would again like. choose to interact with me repeatedly, and i'd sort of be nonplussed at best b/c it's like, okay thanks but in this situation i didn't Choose this any more than i choose [Trying to be in the group but being rejected/excluded], so it's kinda weird, i was friends with someone for a few years in elementary school but we just were Coincidentally in the same class for those years, when we were in different classes in 3rd or 4th grade and just weren't seeing each other it fizzled out, in middle school i made another couple friends where we were all being Funny lmao, but i didn't go to high school, so once again we weren't seeing each other, and [At School] was where i always had most Interactions with people, didn't see people much outside of school even if we were hanging out / being friends During school, for [a whole tangent] reasons, so. guess the good news is i'm still in touch / friendly acquaintances with some people from school from college, but even then, there was Some more social success or whatever, but not all That much, and i was still unhappy like, not having many friends, often being like "i'm going to the cafe a block away b/c i have no social occasions here and i want to get out of the dorm / be around people," that if i was with more than one other person i could end up the third wheel friend lmao or nobody is paying attention when you talk or oh no i put myself out there hanging with a friend group but maybe people thought you were a joke or something, thanks. smh

and that like, speaking of college, i went early but this was, for my part, truly primarily driven like "well i hate school so if i can Not go to high school, okay" and like, while i got in and everything it was still like "tf is college, i've never known what i Want To Do so i wonder if i'll figure this out, but i'm not expecting to last past the first semester / year b/c this is college and i'm a terrible student actually lol" but then turns out i kept doing well enough like A's & B's like oh woops i guess i'm still here, then, hope i can figure out what tf "credit hours" means (finally did lol).....then sophomore year was a bunch of just Agonizing over "what tf do i major in," something i never figured out, wherein i might bring something up & it got parentally shot down like "never heard you talk about that" like what tf Did you hear me talk about? are you thinking i had my life figured out by age 9, b/c i didn't think that, i'm only 15/16 even Now, even being the Regular college age it's like, nobody's figuring their life out then. also i didn't tell my parents things, so. and then i settle on something that sure, Might've been of interest, but also it was like, a) a program that barely existed and req'd taking classes at a like 30 min away campus and also the head of department had Just retired and the most heinous teacher in the related fields was now in charge, brilliant and b) the sort of thing you'd just wanna start taking prerequisites for like as soon as you set foot on campus, like, great. and c) i was like, hardly feeling all the Academic Ambition anyway b/c i never had, b/c i hate/d school, and b/c i still didn't Know what i wanted to major in, and i was stressed n depressed and also realizing oh right, i'm not cishet, and oh right, i'm never going to get along with my family b/c [long tangent] reasons and that's kind of concerning, here i am impending Being 18 and like, how do i get out of this b/c it's becoming clearer that i'm not just gonna start getting along with the 'rents now that i'm not an elementary schooler and also now that i'm realizing the Reasons being at home sucks. guess i learned stuff in college lol but also it was like, the experience of getting to be Away From Home and existing every day without parents literally / figuratively over my shoulder at some point every day, and getting to do shit on my own and figure things out while Not At Home.....i also had a lot of fun taking a couple classes from this one music prof lol. he was this weird really enthusiastic and really knowledgeable guy lmao like great, these evening classes where we go over to the arts building and he plays things on the piano off the cuff and tells a lot of tangential stories while we're learning about like, beethoven technically, or folk music. didn't need those classes but they were great, i've had these teachers who were totally into whatever they were teaching and had a great time with that

also acknowledgment to the fact i was a No Extracurriculars person all through school, k thru 6 and college alike really, although i took dance class for that k thru 6 period, just that was separate from school actually (and another fun "being away from home" thing and Theatresque performance thing i enjoyed) but besides that it was like, how do i figure out what i want to do without committing to joining this whole thing, i don't know How to sign up for stuff really either, and it'd probably entail "asking for stuff" and needing to coordinate more rides and etc and that's just a hassle, and i wanna go home from school asap anyways, and then like, when it came to college, i was again at first thinking like "well idk what i'm doing and i hate homework so i'll probably mess it up in this first year anyways" and figured that doing anything Extra outside classes was just gonna be too much, and also, it's like, i've never been in these kinds of groups before and why am i gonna start in college, where there'll probably be all these people who Have done this stuff before, and are also 18? e.g. even though it was like "hey you're away from home and don't have to ask/tell anyone else anything to do this club stuff or whatever!" supposed ideal environment for trying stuff out, it was like, maybe i'm theoretically interested in auditioning for the fall theatre production, but the last acting experience i had was like, "2 month drama class in middle school" or "that 4th grade [section of a] play" so like, not really Any education or experience or Training re: any of that stuff, and a bunch of 18 yr olds who might've, or [age peers] who were theatre people who had already done stuff so they weren't getting Lead Roles or anything but they were getting cast / taking classes / joining an a capella group while i'm like right on, i'm over here with some sort of Grade Honor Society (??) saying my gpa qualifies me to join and be able to experience some further academic rigor/requirements lmfao and i'm like absolutely not. get away lol. anyways so bit of a chaotique Post K12 Zone Education Experience there lmfao, all kinds of things i'd Like to Learn and even take classes on, but didn't like, right i love learning languages but never took classes, love math and shit but only got to a certain level of calc and even then seemed to miss some Lore, never did anything re: theatre, etc and so on. so you wonder if some advantages re: high school would be like, more chances for those extracurriculars (or regular curriculars) but, as though i wouldn't have the same qualms about getting in on any of it, and as if i wouldn't've still hated school but also still been at home, F. and i think people can be a lot more normal to each other when it's college and you're Not stuck in one building together 8 hours a day lmao, got some gentle "occasional Bullying style attention" in middle school, but had juuust enough like, [that Niche of good grades / kid who draws] and people who Were friendlier to me that it was you know, unpleasant, but didn't have to be that huge a deal, and then i was outta there soon enough. also, in college many people are 18 or older, as opposed to 11 to 13. anyways the rest of my school story was that in the end the problems were "i don't know what i want to major in and also now's a worse time than ever b/c i've realized my existence At Home is untenable, and naturally i am quite depressed & stressed about things, and i gotta say absolutely virtually every adult presence was either totally unhelpful to Counterproductive here lmao, like, not much anyone could do really but it's helpful when someone is like, i'll treat you like a person vs simply just going 'uh why are you not doing the academic stuff good enough'" lmfao like. the whole time Not having friends i'd wanna talk to through class and happening to get good grades in part b/c i somehow Could as easily as i did and also i was afraid of getting C's or worse b/c "tfw i wasn't even yet in a grade that gave you A thru F grades yet but my older sister caught shit for getting a C

like :/" and etc means adults are like My Student Is Fine, and also, what are you gonna do even if they aren't, i guess. i just had to figure out completely for myself Why and How i really wasn't Fine and that was quite difficult and also took a long time. then there was a mutual prank of "i drop out of college at the tail end of things" and "now i have to be at home with parent/s more resentful of your obvious Waywardness (insert: not being cishet, and the fact it occurs to me that my being autistic was always causing 'problem' behavior i was getting shit for like, the whole time lmfao, even if nobody knew / labeled it like oh this is for ND reasons, or if it was both true i tried to come out (smh, thought i Had to b/c that was part of Not Being Cishet) and it was simply ignored / unaddressed and yet it sure fueled further specific resentment of my not Performing Gender properly, or "worse," so that went well, in that i eventually abruptly left and did not maintain contact, in the interest of "the levels to which i was thriving was like, that if i bailed and like died 50 hrs later it'd still be what i want to do," true to that i did not / don't regret it. and what do you know, i was first able to bail to a relatively nearby friend from college's home, whose family also liked me lmao. shoutout to school still being where i made Any friends, except a friend i made who was a coworker of several years. and Online Friends, which, another school connection, that like, i can more readily Connect w/people via talking about interests, something that happened Sometimes at school in person lmao but not much, but also that i Talk About Interests in a way through Drawing, which, well shoutout to doodling in the margins of papers throughout school lmfao, it didn't hurt! that's my saga.

oh and that footnote, i also really enjoyed the "in middle school you either take language classes or 4 Electives you rotate through each year" and those electives sure featured some more varied and hands on activities i had a great time with. shoutout to like, cooking, and to shop class, my Car Designs were great apparently, idk how. shoutout to my Intuition re: engineering or something lmaoo.....very fun to just end the schoolday in that big garage space where you could actually open that garage door right to where all the buses were, beautiful. Oh, and that's another footnote, when my last class of the day in 8th grade was english, i'd sometimes finish work early and my teacher would let me go to our spacious library, with the v nice librarian who'd recommend books to me she thought should be checked out more often b/c she knew i liked to read that much, and also just generally had teachers / other adult staff kinda wandering in at the end of the day, talk about "i don't really relate to other ppl my age" where i did generally prefer to be around adults, so that was fun. oh and also shoutout to hating school lmao wherein during like, middle school when the schoolday started at like 7:30am or smthing disgusting and i just learned to like, view whatever time it was in a "at least it's almost [x]" like well okay, first period is math and that kinda sucks but at least once it's over this hardest part of the day will be over, then next class is kinda more chill at least, and then it'll be the last period before lunch, etc etc etc where i could sort of keep up that stamina like telling myself at any point it was Almost [a more encouraging time of day] lmao like. kinda fucked up to have to be dragging yourself through the weekdays like that, but

Oh! goddamn and i didn't even get into that if i ever got in ~trouble~ in elementary school it was stuff like Not Paying Attention, but where half the time that might be some other kid beside me messing around lmfao and i'm not gonna be like "uhhh follow the rules!!!" (and that even when i was In Trouble like go sit in the chair where you have to be quiet there for like 10 min i might say something to some other kid in that zone and they'd be like "um it's the quiet chair you have to be quiet!!" or "uh we're getting into the next lesson and you have to put that book back asap" like wow these other kids are dweebs about Rules lmfao) and there'd just be times like, it's 1st grade and i know how to read pretty well already but we're going over the alphabet like stoppp i know the Phonics already........or the ways ND people can kind of Intuit some stuff more successfully, like in third grade learning multiplication i neverrrrr studied but just broke it down like, okay i remember the Fives b/c of telling time, i know the 2x table and stuff, i know the commutative property, if we're all the way at the 8x and i haven't Memorized stuff, i can still like, break it down to say, [5 x 8] + [8 x 2] or something when i see 8 x 7, even if it takes a second lmfao.......and stuff like the tragedy of when i Did make a friend in like, 2nd grade, who i think we didn't even talk to each other ever?? i was playing legos or smthing by myself once during Indoor Recess and she just started playing agreeably along with me, aka someone socializing on My Terms apparently as our Introduction, and we just were friends past that but one time, not even during a Lesson Session, we were messing around quietly making each other laugh as the incredibly important process of "put papers in your folders" was going on, and since we were Not Paying Attention for some reason the teacher made a whole example of it where i had to carry my desk across the classroom for the Shaming Element of it and also so that i had to permanently sit way further from that friend, so that was kind of discouragement re: interacting at all. thank you to that teacher, who'd later once Gesticulate to me from across the gym that i should put my arms down at my sides rather than being crossed (we were rehearsing some class performance) & i had no idea what she was trying to convey, so afterwards she told me i had to have Reduced Recess Time or some shit because of Ignoring her instead of putting my arms down lmfao. and i was irritated at having been misinterpreted / my Intentions dictated to me and punished like that, but i was also used to it from adults lmfao and did not bother explaining myself lol like yeah god forbid i left my arms crossed on purpose and now i have to read some more during recess. tl;dr school has so much nonsense & i def had some Times re: being autistic & also just being someone who hated school forever lmao, think it was Also 2nd grade where one arbitrary sunday night i just cried out of frustration at having to go back for another normal school week. classic. oh and that also, while i wasn't like "oooo booksmart people who hate not having a Definitive Correct Answer to things &/or ohhh autistic ppl So Good at math, in a way everyone hates and disrespects, but they suck at Literature/Arts which requires you to reflect on humanity and shit," like, not only was i the drawing kid but i was also apparently ahead of the curve as it were at like, Literary Analysis lmfao where there was a few times in elementary school i'd be the kid providing the Interpretation like "what's this poem about / what's the theme or Symbolism in this story," but from elementary school to college it's like, for god's sake don't ask me to come up with a story / work with some really open ended prompt, i don't Invent in that way, and when i try to draw on Inspiration i'll get stuck on some specific source and be unable to do anything but just rip it off really lmao. but then again i was prolific in "it's 1st grade and you write and illustrate a little short story or smthing in these booklets

that we then have a simple little binding process for" like ohhh fancy, i got a tootsie roll lollipop at Awards Time for writing a shit ton of those lol. but that's like, when you're too young to have that much of a Creative Process anyways lmao. but then, my older sister, whose Thing was writing, has an incredible 2 Volume like, noir mystery saga from those elementary school times, it's a classic lmao. anyways once again so much to say about School lol closing the door after meandering on that one for this long lol

April 6th: Are you able to drive? If so, was it difficult to learn? What was difficult about it? If not, do you use any alternatives?

i did learn to drive, tbh just universally it's like, at any point you're driving there's A Lot to pay attention to at once, even if you think you're Good At That or whatever, which i sure don't think i always am lol, and it's pretty wild we just, you know, let everyone go around as fast as they want in machines that can kill you or someone else, and this is also Unnecessary b/c like, let's have accessible & reliable public transit so that everyone can travel without Needing to have a car / someone else who will drive them. i didn't think i had too much trouble learning to drive, but it had to help that i just took it very seriously from the start lmao like, well, i'm quite aware i could kill someone with this. the driving classes i took were alright, i remember the instructor being pretty chill and friendly lol. rip to the fact i could be tense when driving with parent/s, when driving a manual i'd always like screech the tires when accelerating out of a Stop, until all at once it was like "and i'm driving that manual car alone on a road trip & wouldn't you know it, only literally once did i have that issue of not getting out of a stop smoothly enough" lmao like the Anxiety......really like yeah i had an alright time learning and think i'm solid enough at driving / like doing it, theoretically, but Driving Is Wild just in general and let's have that public transit

April 7th: How are you with sarcasm and/or metaphors/figures of speech? Do you interpret things very literally?

i think i Usually get what people mean with these Devices but i can't really say lol, but anytime you know, someone is being more Implicit in what they say, plenty of times i can infer one implication and only later realize they probably meant a different one, or yknow, i make whatever initial inference i make and can be stuck like "???" and have to like, mentally run diagrams about the interaction lol......meanwhile i'm not always remembering that like, if i'm shifting context mentally that's necessarily able to be inferred by whoever i'm talking to lol, whether it's about getting into some adjacent topic or like, i don't think it tends to be very clear even in person when i've started being sarcastic lmao, like i know that can be true for anyone but it's like well, guess i gotta make it clearer i'm doing a bit......flipside of that or something lmao that people are more Obvious than they think they are sometimes about like, idk, when someone is sort of making some sarcastic remark to you but the sarcasm is also sort of only to themself, aka just like okay i know you mean this more dismissively / disparagingly than re: what you're saying just at face value lol like. just always fun >:/

[lcedtea]

felt moved today by Dr. Christine Blasey Ford and many other sexual assault survivors who have been publicly telling their stories lately. i believe them and am inspired by them. and for those who aren’t telling their stories publicly, i fucking believe you too and am just as inspired. you aren’t imagining it. you didn’t make it up. your story is valid and real and I FUCKING BELIEVE YOU! because of incredible survivors i finally have the courage to tell my own story. for the first time ever, i am beginning to believe myself.

when i was 6 a pediatrician who looked like dr. phil blocked my mother’s view with his body and stuck his fingers inside of me during a “routine check-up”

when i was 15, a boy asked me out and i said no because i didn’t really know him and wasn’t all that attracted to him. but he was persistent and asked again, wondering why i didnt want to date him in the first place, and i started to think my reasoning wasn’t all that valid. i didn’t want to hurt his feelings and told myself to give him a chance. so i said yes. we ended up dating for 1.5 years.

one of the first times we hung out, he decided that it was time we move further and asked for a blowjob. i was very hesitant, but he assured me it was easy, and, being that we couldn’t hang out alone at either of our houses, told me we would do it in the woods. i dreaded that walk we took into the woods. it was fall, and it was cold. he sat on a log and made me get on my knees in the soggy leaves. he held my head down even when i wanted to stop.

we would skype. i just wanted to talk to him at night; have some sort of presence with me as i did homework or watched tv. he would soon escalate it by begging me to take my clothes off (for whatever, embarrassing, teenage reason, he would refer to me taking my clothes off as a ‘tour’). “pleease, just one small tour?!” he also begged me to finger myself on camera while he jerked off; i didn’t even know how to finger myself. but i did it anyway. if i refused, he would get pouty and upset, and i’d feel like i did something wrong. for the first 16 years of my life, i didn’t know masturbating could be fun. i associated it with pain and humiliation.

he would verbally abuse me; one particular recurring comment being that i had a “big jew nose”, another calling me “fat”. when i showed anger or sadness towards these comments, he would utter what is now one of the *most* triggering sentences for me to hear: “relax! it’s just a joke.” could i not take the joke?

we broke up. a guy at work started to show interest in me. i was 16 and he was 19 or 20, but he had known me since i was 13. i was desperate for attention and felt special knowing an older guy was into me - especially because he had just broken up with his very hot, popular, cheerleader girlfriend. so when he offered to give me a ride home i was ecstatic. we started up making out in his car, and somehow ended up in a field laying down. he suddenly stuck his hands down my pants and painfully fingered me. i didn’t say anything even though it hurt. he had made it clear he would talk about me to my coworkers and had the potential to get me fired if i ever crossed him (he was a manager). i will never forget the pair of pink cutoff shorts i was wearing

later that night, he asked me if i wanted to have sex in his car. i stuttered and didn’t really answer; i think i said something along the lines of “i’ve never done this before.” he laughed at me and said “youve never had sex in a car before?” as if it was the most ridiculous thing he’d ever heard. i did mean that, but i also meant i’d never had sex, period - but i wasn’t about to admit that. he made me feel stupid, like a baby, and i wanted to feel sexy and desired. so i told him no, i had, just not like this and he was satisfied enough with that to pull me into his backseat and start fingering me again. he was on top and pulled out a condom, and i remember how hard it was for me to breathe, and how i kept trying - in between his sloppy tongue in my mouth - to tell him i didnt want to. when i wasn’t getting as wet as he wanted, he told me he didn’t have lube and that he wanted to stop. HE wanted to stop. He said the timing just wasn’t right. i felt so disgusted; both in that i let him do that to me and in that maybe i did something wrong to turn him off.

when i was 18 i was a chaperone on a field trip for a school i worked at. while there, i was paired with another chaperone who i had never met before. he was about 25. we were supposed to watch our group of kids and take them to different exhibits. instead, he asked me about my race, experience with drugs, and insisted we had matched on tinder, even though i told him repeatedly that wasn’t possible as i’d had a boyfriend for 2 years. he insisted we did, that i was his “dream girl”, and even knew my facebook name (which is not my real name). this was alarming to me and i tried to keep my distance, though it was impossible as we had to stay together to watch the kids. he was kind of funny, and i warmed up a bit to him as the day went on, so much so that when it ended he asked me for a ride home. “i only live 5 min away, i swear,” he said. so, against my better judgement, i gave him a ride. we talked music in the car and he made sure to let me know his taste in music was superior to mine. i parked in the driveway of his house, waiting for him to get out. he asked me if i wanted to come in and smoke; i said no. he lingered. then he leaned in to kiss me. my reflexes kicked in, so i turned away and he ended up kissing my cheek. he then ran into the house. later, when confronting him, he chalked this incident up to “working a lot with Latina women, who kiss as a sign of friendliness”. i felt so icky and uncomfortable that i had a hard time focusing in my class that night. what provoked him to do that? what had i done to lead him on? everything i said pointed to that i was uninterested, and yet he still did it.

earlier this year, a college professor who i really liked and admired from a professional standpoint came into my studio for a scheduled visit. noticing i was stressed, he chuckled as he stood behind me (i was sitting in a chair) and massaged my shoulders. “gotta relieve the tension somehow, huh?” is what he said when he did that. even typing this now, i feel silly, because i know that’s not rape or sexual assault and he meant well. but that’s just my inner doubt that’s been engrained into my head all these years. what he did was creepy and wrong. i need to believe myself.

survivors, i hear you and i believe you and i stand with you. you are fucking strong, as cliche as that sounds, it’s so true - WE are strong mentally and emotionally. I BELIEVE US.

[notsoguiltykpop]

The Tenth Floor pt 13

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader & Taehyung x Reader

Min Yoongi had gone through 34 secretaries in the past 24 months, and each one of them left in tears. This fact alone should have warned you against taking the job, but the pay was too good to pass up. Surely you could put up with a billionaires temper-tantrums, right?

Genre: Fluff, humor, probably some angst

Warnings: Strong language, smut talked about/implied, some dark themes

Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15

Yoongi had the day fairly well planned out. First, he would be honest with you in that you would be much better off working somewhere else, and that he would personally write you a letter of recommendation to insure that you got an equally well-paying job after handing in your resignation letter. It wasn’t your fault that you were pulled into the middle of his and Taehyung’s strange fight, and for some reason that Yoongi could not explain, nor did he want to think about, he wanted you to know that.

His next course of action was to kick Taehyung the hell off the tenth floor. If he wanted to learn more about the business, fine, Yoongi couldn’t do much to stop that, but he could put his foot down and make him do it somewhere else.

Then, he would finally call his dad back. He really wasn’t looking forward to that. He’d been ignoring his calls, and only replying to his stepmom’s texts with one-word responses. He wasn’t mad, he just didn’t feel like he had the brain-space to deal with his family at the moment. He would be asked about how he and Taehyung were getting along, how the company was doing, and of course, if he’d found a good secretary yet. It had turned into somewhat of a running joke that no one actually thought was particularly funny. The subject always resulted in an argument with Taehyung, and his father telling Yoongi that going through that many employees didn’t make Yoongi look very good, that it said something about him as a boss. Yoongi knew exactly what that “something” was, and it was true--it said Yoongi was an awful employer that was impossible to deal with.

The final item on his mental to-do list was to tell Namjoon to start looking for a new secretary, and tell Jimin to leave the new one alone. He had no idea what had gotten into Jimin over the last few weeks, he was usually a star employee, but not only had he made it his personal mission to bully you into quitting, Jimin’s work had been unusually late, and sloppy at best. The whole floor was one insult away from kicking him in the balls, and something clearly needed to be done about his attitude soon. But every time Yoongi thought about it, he remembered all the other problems he needed to deal with and decided he didn’t really want to know what excuse Jimin had anyway.

The moment Yoongi saw you step into his office, all of his plans were metaphorically thrown out the window. For some reason, he simply couldn’t get the words to come out, couldn’t explain any of what he had planned to say. The fact of the matter was he didn’t really want to ask you to resign. Which was bad.

He hardly heard you as you recited his schedule, and knew it didn’t matter because you’d remind him of anything important. When you were done, Yoongi was sure he would actually tell you what he’d planned to, but then, as usual with you, word garbage started spilling from his mouth rather than anything that made any sense.

Part of him genuinely wanted your advice of what he should do about his family issues. You were down to earth, more so than most people he knew, and somehow he didn’t think you’d judge him.

A much larger part of him was mortified at the thought of you knowing anything personal about him or his life, and quickly tried to backtrack.

The result was you looking horribly confused, and leaving quickly.

He was about to call you back in and flat-out ask you to hand in your two weeks notice (maybe he could do it if he just didn’t look directly at you) when you stepped back into his office.

The next thing he knew, he was sitting across from his stepmom,  with you giving him a disapproving look.

It was like some sort of nightmare.

“Can I get you anything?” You asked his stepmother, snapping Yoongi out of his daze. “Tea? Coffee?”

Mrs. K--the name she’d insisted Yoongi call her if he wouldn’t call her mom--shook her head quickly. “I don’t want to be any trouble--”

“I’ll bring you some tea.” You interrupted, giving her a smile. Mrs. K glanced at Yoongi as though expecting him to tell you not to, and seemed surprised when he didn’t. But Yoongi was distracted by the look you shot his way before stepping out of the room. You were pissed off, and not at Mrs. K.

Yoongi couldn’t remember ever being intimidated by a secretary before that moment, but he couldn’t help the nervous way his stomach twisted.

“She’s lovely.” Mrs. K said, giving him a happy smile.

“Hm.” Yoongi shrugged, trying to shake the feeling that you were going to verbally kick his ass later. “She’s alright.”

“She’s more than alright.” Mrs. K chided. “She’s stuck around three weeks--that’s a new record, isn’t it? And you didn’t even yell at her when she didn’t knock on your door. You like her.”

“I wouldn’t go that far.” Yoongi muttered. “Also, how did you know that she’s been here that long?”

“I ran into that sweet boy Jimin in the elevator.” As she spoke, she began pulling what looked like food containers from the large bag she’d brought in with her. “Did you know his fiance left him last month? Poor child is devastated. And his parents health declining on top of that...” 

Yoongi hadn’t known, but it sure did explain a lot. No wonder he’d been such an ass recently. Not that it excused anything, but Yoongi made a mental note to speak with Jimin about it later.

“He’s going through a lot.” Yoongi agreed, rather than divulge the fact that he’d been purposefully ignoring his employees problems. 

Mrs. K paused in the process of opening a container of cookies. “You haven’t been sick, have you?” It wasn’t a question.

“Not exactly.” There was no point in lying; he could sit there and argue with her all day that he’d had the flu, it wouldn’t change anything. She was a bit like Taehyung in that way--once either of them made up their mind about something, there was nothing anyone could do about it. 

“Am I interrupting anything?” Taehyung asked, opening the door just far enough to stick his head in. 

“Of course not!” Mrs. K said, waving him inside. “We were just talking about Yoongi’s new secretary.”

“Oh? What about her?” Taehyung asked, closing the door behind himself to enter the room.

“Only that I’m happy Yoongi’s finally found someone so capable, and pleasant to be around.” She then turned her gaze back to Yoongi. “You need more positive people in your life.”

Yoongi didn’t see how Mrs. K would know if you were positive or not--she’d only just met you--but there was something about the attentive way Taehyung was listening that he didn’t like.

“She’s really great.” Taehyung agreed. “Everyone likes her, including Yoongi, and she’s good at her job, isn’t she?” He directed this last bit at Yoongi, who nodded despite the strange feeling that told him he shouldn’t.  

“I think she’ll be here for a while, don’t you, Yoongi?” Taehyung finished, and Yoongi realized the trap Taehyung had walked him into. “I mean, as long as you don’t run her off--which would take a lot, considering how little bothers her.”

“Oh, he wouldn’t do that.” Mrs. K chided. “There’s no reason to!”

Yoongi forced a smile. “I would never.”

Not only was Mrs. K now personally involved, but she had a confirmation that you were going to stick around… Which meant that Yoongi asking you to resign would raise some questions. It wasn’t like it would really hurt anything, Yoongi supposed, it would just complicate his life a little more than it already was. It was a very “Taehyung” thing to do.

Poor Mrs. K, Yoongi thought. She would never willfully be part of this sort of thing. If she had any clue what Taehyung was doing, what Yoongi and Taehyung had done to you, she would put a stop to it--hell, she’d try to put a stop to the company. But here she sat, oblivious. Yoongi didn’t have it in him to tell her, to see her disappointment, so he stayed silent. 

“Why is Mrs. K here?” Jungkook asked you. He had followed you into the break room and was now watching you make a cup of tea.

“Is Mrs. K Taehyung’s mother?” You asked. “If so, she’s here to see Yoongi. She thinks he’s sick.”

“I figured it had to be something like that.” Jimin said, wandering in. “The last time I saw her was when the boss had pneumonia.”

“You know her?” You asked despite yourself. 

“Everyone knows her.” Seokjin replied, having followed Jimin into the room. “Not that any of us have seen her much. She just… Leaves an impression.”

“She’s really nice.” Jungkook clarified when you shot him a slightly confused glance. “Nothing like Yoongi.”

“Or Taehyung.” You muttered, and Jungkook’s eyes widened. “What?” You asked, though you were sure you didn’t want to know whatever it was Jungkook was thinking.

“She’s Taehyung’s mother.” He said, and you nodded. You would have thought he’d figure that out sooner, considering that he was the one who’d told you that Yoongi and Jungkook were stepbrothers. “This is the perfect opportunity.”

“For what?” Seokjin asked, looking at Jungkook suspiciously over the rim of his coffee mug.

“For getting back at them.” A smile was curling the corners of Jungkook’s mouth, and you frowned. You could see the gears turning as Jungkook imagined it, picturing some wild and unrealistic plan, perhaps of humiliating both of them. It was almost tempting to hear him out.

“No.” You said firmly.

“Why not?” Jungkook practically whined. “You could walk in there and just--tell her what you heard. She’ll kick their ass for you, trust me. She may seem shy, but the first time I met her she gave me this whole lecture on treating people like humans and shit because someone told her I was a playboy.”

“That was me.” Seokjin said dryly. “It didn’t do as much good as I’d hoped.”

“What did you hear?” Jimin asked, suddenly very interested in the conversation.

“My point is,” Jungkook sighed, shooting Seokjin a look and ignoring Jimin. “I’d be willing to bet my sex life that she’s harsher on her own sons than a stranger. She seemed pretty passionate about the subject.”

“Still no.” You replied, stepping around Jungkook. “Look, Jungkook. Thank you--kind of. Maybe.” You shook your head, undecided whether the fact that he’d thought of you actually counted as a good thing considering he wasn’t helping your situation. “But I don’t want this to be any more complicated than it already is. I’m going to keep pretending that I didn’t hear anything, and if you really want to do something for me, you’ll do the same. I want to keep this job, which means not causing unnecessary trouble.”

“So you’re going to be there on Saturday, right?” Mrs. K asked, and Yoongi raised an eyebrow.

“Where?” He could guess, but didn’t like making assumptions.

“Home!” Mrs. K shook her head. “Well, your father and I’s home. I suppose you don’t call it that anymore.” It wasn’t said with any malice--if anything, Yoongi thought Mrs. K sounded slightly embarrassed at the slip-up. “For dinner. Your father doesn’t like to bother you, but he misses you, and so do I.”

“I’ll be there.” Yoongi agreed somewhat begrudgingly.

“Promise?” Mrs. K didn’t look convinced, and Yoongi couldn’t blame her.

“I’ll do everything I can to be there.” Yoongi compromised.

Taehyung suddenly held up a finger as though he’d just remembered something. “I forgot.” He said. “Can I bring a date?”

Mrs. K blinked. “I don’t see why not. But I didn’t know you were seeing anyone.” Yoongi didn’t miss the flash of hurt in her eyes that was gone as quickly as it’d appeared, and wondered if Taehyung took notice.

“I’m not--exactly.” Taehyung hedged, and Yoongi found himself gripping a pencil far too hard. Surely Taehyung wasn’t about to say what Yoongi thought he was going to. Surely. 

“Well, are you going to give me a name or something, or is it going to be a mystery until Saturday?” Mrs. K asked after a second. Taehyung shot a glance at Yoongi that his mother didn’t miss. “What don’t I know?”

“I uh, kind of asked Yoongi’s secretary out earlier... I forgot about the family thing on Saturday… Would it be too awkward to bring her?”

Yoongi’s pencil broke.

“Need I remind you that there is a company policy against employees dating unless--” Yoongi started, but Taehyung shook his head.

“No, I remember. But I’m not technically an employee, and anyway, you’ve never enforced that rule. Just look at Jungkook--he’s dated, what, ninety percent of the company at some point or another?”

“Jungkook doesn’t date.” Yoongi replied dryly. It was true--in fact, the closest Yoongi had ever seen the young doctor come to a relationship was with Jessica, which had blown up in both of their faces.

“That’s beside the point.” Taehyung shrugged.

Mrs. K shifted slightly uncomfortably. She hated being in the middle of their arguments, always scared to take a side. If she agreed with Taehyung, it would seem biased because he was her biological son, and if she sided with Yoongi it would appear that she was over compensating. That never stopped her from clearly having an opinion, but she rarely voiced it.

“Why don’t we discuss this later.” Yoongi sighed.

“No, I think Y/N should come.” Mrs. K broke in. Both men turned their gaze from one another to her. “Taehyung is right, you’ve never enforced that rule--the only reason it’s there is because you never bothered to get rid of it after you took over the company. I quite like her, and she’ll be good company.”

“You don’t think it’ll be a bit… strange?” Yoongi said weakly. Damn Taehyung.

“Not unless you make it that way.” Taehyung shrugged.

“Here’s your tea. Sorry it took so long.” You said when you stepped back into Yoongi’s office. Mrs. K was trying to talk Yoongi into eating one of the cookies she’d baked, and he was trying to politely refuse. Taehyung, on the other hand, was happily eating one while watching Yoongi smugly.

“Oh--thank you.” Mrs. K gave you a bright smile. You were about to make a quick retreat when Mrs. K held you back. “Sit, sit. Here,” She held the box of cookies out to you, standing and trying to usher you into the chair. An awkward moment passed as you tried to get her to sit once more, and she tried to make you take her chair, and finally Taehyung stood and told his mother to sit in his chair. You thought it would work for a moment, but when Mrs. K still refused, you took Taehyung’s chair and Mrs. K finally sat back down.

Yoongi didn’t appear aware of the exchange, instead inspecting two halves of a pencil in his hands. You supposed it was rather mild considering that he usually broke much larger things when Taehyung was around.

“Don’t you think Yoongi looks too thin?” Mrs. K asked you suddenly.

“What?” You and Yoongi said at the same time. Yoongi looked like he hadn’t heard the question, and you were taken aback.

“His cheeks are so gaunt…”

“I’m fine.” Yoongi cut in. “And you can go.” He directly the last statement at you. You were happy to have an excuse to leave, and stood without a second thought.

“Let me know if you need anything, sir.” You said once again, and Yoongi gave you what you thought was an apologetic smile.

You were busy trying to pretend nothing had happened, replying to important emails, reviewing a spreadsheet for Hoseok, and telling Jungkook to go away, when Mrs. K left. She stopped by your desk before heading toward the elevator.

“Yoongi probably hasn’t said anything to you--he wouldn’t--but you’re doing a wonderful job.” She said. You weren’t sure what to say to that, and in your hesitation, she continued. “I should call you SuperWomen. You have to be super-human to deal with those two, trust me, I know.” She winked, and you couldn’t help but to smile. “I’ll see you Saturday, darling. Take care.”

It wasn’t until she was already in the elevator that it sunk in just what she’d said. She was indeed very nice, just as Jungkook had said, but you couldn’t think of a reason why you would see her on your day off. There was a sinking feeling in your chest as you stood slowly from your desk, not bothering to knock before walking into Yoongi’s office.

Taehyung was still there, and had his mouth open as though to say something when you walked in.

“Am I working on Saturday?” You asked Yoongi.

“No.” Yoongi replied.

“So why am I apparently going to see your mother that day?”

“She really likes you.” Taehyung said, clearly not wanting to answer the question. “We’re having a family dinner-type thing saturday night. I thought maybe you wouldn’t mind going.”

You blinked slowly as his words sunk in, then turned to Yoongi.

“This was not my idea, nor my fault.” Yoongi said, holding his hands up.

“It’s always awkward when it’s just us.” Taehyung continued, trying to defuse some of the tension in the air. “You get along with mom, so…” His voice trialed off.

“So you told her I was going as--what, your date? Without even asking me?” You took Taehyung’s silence as answer enough. You turned to Yoongi then. “And you didn’t think to stop him?”

“He had a point…” Yoongi muttered. “It would make her really happy if you went, anyway. She kind of hates being stuck in a conversation with both of us at the same time.”

“No.” You said flatly. Something in you had finally broken, and you weren’t putting up with this shit anymore.

“What?” Taehyung looked genuinely confused.

“No. I’m not fucking going. I’m not a doll for you to drag around to family functions. You don’t get to decide what I do or where I go--either of you.”

“Doll?” Taehyung said. “Why would you--”

“Oh, shut up.” You snapped. “Both of you can shove it up your ass and fuck off to hell.”

“I’m not even involved in this, so I’d suggest that you watch what you say.” Yoongi said, standing from his chair and walking around the desk to stand in front of you.

“Or what?” You demanded, taking a step closer to him. “You’ll fire me?” You paused a moment to gage his reaction. There was nothing in his eyes to give away what he was thinking or feeling. “I’d like to see you try. Everyone here fucking knows I do my job, there’s no just cause for termination. I haven’t even been late once. Thirty-two secretaries is a lot to go through in two years. I wonder how the court would see my case if I sued?” Yoongi’s eyes widened just a fraction. “And you.” You turned to Taehyung. “I should file charges for harassment. In fact, I should have gone to the news about your whole fucked up family ages ago. They’re always desperate for a CEO to drag through the mud, and even if no one believed it, the company stocks would drop.”

Yoongi took a breath. He may have done a lot of dumb things in his life, but he was smart enough to know when the game was up.��Maybe this was the universe punishing him for his actions. 

“Why don’t we sit down and talk about this.” He said carefully.

“No thanks.” You scoffed. “I gave you every damn opportunity to talk before it got to this point, I’m done.”

“I think there’s been a misunderstanding…” Yoongi tried again.

“I don’t.” You replied. You felt much better now, strangely. “I want a raise.”

“Good god.” Taehyung muttered, running a hand down his face.

“We’ll talk about it.” Yoongi said calmly.

“I’ll go to your family thing on Saturday.” You said after a moment. “But I’m getting paid. Time and a half, no questions asked.”

Yoongi thought about it. It wasn’t the worst thing you could have asked for, and considering the circumstances, it was more than fair. “No questions asked.”

A/N Uhhh idk what this fic is lol. I swear with each chapter it becomes more of a crack fic. Reader finally called them out!! Yoongi and Taehyung both better watch their steps. More awkward moments to come in the next update! Let me know what you thought! Are you glad Reader finally lost her temper? Did she go too far (probably)? Do you still like Taehyung’s mother? What about Jungkook? I’m totally going to include a whole thing with Jimin sometime soon, haha. Also, this blog is just over a year old!! I wanted to do something special for it as a thank you to everyone on here, but I got too busy. Thank you to everyone who has read any of my fics, who have sent messages, liked or reblogged. I love all of you dearly <3 <3 <3

[petestarebanks]

this turned into a lot of talking i’m drunk sorry

since i love talking about myself and i’m working on finishing all the random cider/alcoholic drinks in my fridge i appeciate @chitown-sounder for tagging me in this

1) How tall are you? I’m 5′7″ and I don’t have anything else to say about that. 

2) What Color And Style Is Your Hair? My hair is medium brown which is v boring I want to dye it like daaaaaaark brown in an attempt to match my fingernails and my wardrobe which are both slowly entering the shadow realm until I can finally take my rightful place as an all powerful witch of darkness where I belong. Lately I’ve been working on growing my hair back out, right now it’s just below the middle of my back bc a year and a half ago I decided I wanted to go back to the bob I had in senior year of high school. Generally speaking my hair is an awful mess.

3) What Color Are Your Eyes? Depending on the day/weather/my mood/the color of my shirt it varies between blues and greens and greys. I wish I was constantly crying so they could be green always. 

4) Do You Wear Glasses? Yeah and tbh people always ask me why I don’t wear contacts and like why the fuck would I? When I got glasses in the 10th grade (After 3 years of staring at a computer screen bc I got obsessed with writing and never wanted to leave the house I developed near-sightedness like a fuckin dope) I was hype af they somehow made my face look less round imo like honestly my glasses make me look older and less pudgy and I fuck with that shit. I, like my dawg Cody, also am getting new glasses in like a week or so (They’ll be in on the 11th and I’m reeeeady) and I got 2 pairs, one of which is the same rectangle shape I’ve always had and the other one is more fahionable and maybe I’ll like them??? I better bc they were expensive but they were literally buy one get one free so....... Idk they’re more round shaped I can’t wait to put new accessories on my face

5) Do You Have Braces? I never did and it’s funny I always had a fucked up dental situation ok my front 4 teeth on the top were shaped like |_|_/\_||_| it wasn’t a gap or anything my teeth were just angled like that??? Apparently there was a bone in my gum where it shouldn’t have been and it was keeping my teeth from growing right and so when I was like 8 they did a removal of all 4 teeth like - ya girl was in the third grade missing my 4 front teeth??????????? Embarrassing anyway they took out the teeth and when I went back a few months later to get the bone out there was literally no bone there? There was no explanation for it it just wasn’t there and my teeth grew back in perfect. My teeth aren’t perfect by any means like I have a severe overbite and my lower row has a small gap in the front and also I had a fuckin tooth that grew in the middle of the roof of my fucking mouth????????????????????????? Teeth are so weird anyway that tooth got taken out and I’m just here living with a semi-ok mouf now

6) What Is Your Fashion Sense? Whatever I feel like wearing when I get out of bed 15 mins before I’m supposed to be at work lmao whatever takes the least effort and still looks put together enough. There’s a lot of black and particularly black leggings bc they almost pass for dress pants which works for my job. Also a lot of camisoles paired with shawl/overshirt things idk what they’re called. And jean shorts whenever I’m not at work.

7) Do You Have Any Siblings? I have 4 step sibs and 3 sisters - my sister Candace is 28 and got married last year, we always argue about politics (we are on the same side but she is a realist and I’m a romantic) but we love each other even though she makes me cry from emotions and frustration. My step brother John is 27 and he’s always been a fuckin dickhead even when we were kids and they were just my neighbors and not my step sibs - yes my father is dating a woman who used to live across the street from us in the neighborhood I grew up in - He is v strong and has strong opinions, has a lot of tattoos and is a misogynist. My sister Jackie is 26 and is a human fucking landfill who I haven’t spoken directly to in 4 months bc she got mad at me when I showed concern about her boyfriend being abusive, then he did beat her ass and when I tried to talk to her about it she fuckin blocked me on Facebook. Oh yeah and she’s pregnant with his kid and won’t stop smoking cigars. Fucking landfill. My step sis Amanda is 23, always a good time even if she’s a super thot, she has 2 babies who I love more than anything and she lets men make a fool out of her more often than not. I love her. My step brother Chris is my fave step sib mainly bc he went from being an actual juvenile delinquent, arrested and then on parole at age 15 even, to being the first of his family to graduate high school on the same day as me, with a steady job and a wife and a baby and paying his own bills I’M SO PROUD OF HIM. My step sister Tory is 19 and she doesn’t have a real name she’s just Tory, is a bigger fuckin thot than Amanda literally this bitch is in the DM’s of every dude I know and I’m not shaming her like boo do whatever u wanna do but be better at it? Be a boss ass bitch and don’t let ppl make fun of u for being a human disaster?  My younger half-sister Dalaney (Literally, named after Dale Earnhardt thanks to my trash father lmao) is 11 and she lives with her mother in Minnesota. She comes to see us every summer and she is so fucking funny, she is a tomboy and she is a sassmaster just like the rest of us I love her sfm. 

8) What Kind Of Student Are You? I was an honors sudent, took AP classes and barely skirted by (But passed the final exams while my geek fuckin classmates sobbed bc they failed lmao) I graduated with a 4.89 so like, I was litty. I never studied bc why would i read the same thing twice? I also missed a day a week from 6th grade to graduation, bc I was “sick” but really I didn’t feel like going. My mom thought I was lactose intolerant bc I faked sick so much. One time Amanda and I let my mom drive us to school only to walk home (3 miles) and get stopped by a police officer 20 feet from my front door, he wanted to know why we weren’t at school and we lied and said we missed the bus but our moms were fine with us not going to school that day. That fuckin cop offered us a ride to school so we had no choice but to go to school after all that!!!! Then in senior year when my mom left me to live with Jackie I was literally missing 2-3 weeks at a time until the AP was like “If u miss 40 days of school this semester you will be considered a drop out” and I was like “Fuck” so I finished and graduated and never went to college because fuck the education system tbq fuckin h. 

9) What Are Your Favorite Subjects? Math, History, English, Human Geography. I loved learning, that was why I never wanted to be at school, everything was fucking boring but when I had the right teachers, in these subjects in particular, I actually wanted to be there. 

10) What Are Your Favorite TV Shows? I never watched TV until like the last year, I finally got a Netflix subscription and caught up on shit people have been raving about for years but I was completely late on - Shameless, Orange Is The New Black, American Horror Story, Bates Motel, How To Get Away With Murder, in particular. Otherwise I just watch sports. Literally the only reason I pay for cable is so I can watch sports. 

11) Favorite Books? BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH Scott WESTERFELD ANRD NEAL SHUSTERMAN. LIKE OK I’LL BE A HARRY POTTER STAN ALL MY LIFE. BUT. SCOTT WESTERFELD WROTE AN INGENIOUS SERIES ABOUT SOCIETAL STANDARDS OF BEAUTY (uglies/pretties/specials/extras) AND ALSO HIS VAMPIRE SERIES WHERE VAMPIRISM WAS TRANSMitted through sex and cats (peeps, the last days) WERE THE ONLY VAMPIRE BOOKS I EVER READ LMAOOOO. then, fucking neal. fucking neal shusterman changed my entire life for the better with a series about a future where the pro-life/prochoice battle turned into parents literally having the option of just, not dealing with their unruly teens anymore by having their body parts fucking dispersed to ppl who needed like new hearts, arms, etc (unwind/unwholly/unsouled/undivided) FUCKING ICONIC and also THE SERIES NEAL WROTE ABOUT KIDS WHO DIED AND WERE STUCK IN LIMBO BC THIS EVIL BITCH WOULDN’T LET THEM GO TO HEAVEN (everlost/everwild/everfound) GOD I LOVE BOOKS SO FUCKING MUCH OK. ALSO FOR MY NON-RELIGIOUS ASS EAST OF EDEN BY JOHN STEINBECK IS FUCKIN EVERYTHING. LIFE OF PI ALSO FUCK AND TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD BOOKS ARE GREAT.

12) Favorite Pastimes? If I’m not Netflix binging or watching sports or going to the movies with my friends or drinking with the one friend I have who I can drink with, I’m writing. I have literally 25 characters now I’m fucking trash but I love them all so much ok leave me alone. 

13) Any Regrets? Nah I think I’m the smartest most reasonable person on the planet so I think everything I do is right and not questionable at all lmao. 

14) What Is Your Dream Job? Huh. Hard to say. I’m doing something I love now, and my boss has been in the business for 20 years and his business pulls in 5 mil a year so like.......... I could stand to keep doing this for a long time. Honestly I’ve never had a direction in life so now that I found an occupation that I love I think this might be my dream job. 

15) Do You Want To Get Married? No lmao marriage is a patriarchal social construct and what’s the point? To legally be able to call someone mine? I don’t like people enough to want to spend my entire life with one. 

16) Do You Want To Have Kids? I never in my life want to give birth to a child. That shit is not for me. I have 5 nieces and nephews, a pregnant sister, and another sister who plans on having at least 2 someday. I don’t need no babies. I’ll be the cool vodka aunt who encourages my trash siblings’ kids to follow their hearts and encourages them to be gay if they’re feeling gay. I have always liked the idea of waiting until I’m like 40-45 and rich, and adopting a 10-12 y/o kid bc those kids never get adopted and I’ll just be the best parent to them. 

17) How Many Countries Have You Visited? I’ve never left the United States lmao. Fuck me right???????????????/

I have finished 3 bottles of beer/beer-like substance while writing this and the Rangers just fuckin lost go figure. I want @gingeronastick and @chrisarchers to do this and also whoever else feels like it ok ily babes

[beigejournals]

[20.06.2020]

we were back in high school and we had a short field trip to the beach as a way for our teacher to “teach” us about science but in reality we were all playing around.

so when we came back to school, other classes were already starting for other students and our physics teacher, in my dream was our math teacher, and she had prepared a short quiz for us to take. we were made aware of the quiz because as the cars were being parked, manila papers of the questions were posted near the parking lot and we knew it was for us because that was our subject and nobody else takes it in our school because it’s an advanced math class so our class ran straight to our classroom where our teacher was patiently waiting with the same questions on the board and she gave us 10 mins to answer 30 questions. so we went straight for it.

the big problem is, this exam was reliant on the fact that we had previous knowledge of this lesson which most of my classmates didn’t because this hasn’t been taught yet but somehow i knew it because they were teaching us this lesson for our math competition so in my dream literally only 2 people knew who to answer it so the whole class was trying so hard to cheat and not get caught.

so the thing was 2 of us only knew how to answer so our plan was the whole class was going to cheat with us sharing our answers with our seatmates and hopefully it will have a domino effect. so the test was high stakes because again, it was 10 minutes with 30 questions and no one knows the answers to the test..

it was so funny because i was seated next to y and i felt that the pressure was doubled because i was trying so hard to be witty and funny but also the same time, smart enough to know the answers to the exam because our class’ grades depend on it.

so at the start, i was trying to talk to him but then during the exam i went straight to boring ass nerdy student mode and i was just solving and my writing was so big so that he could see it and pass it to the person next to him.

(BTW IM JUST REALIZING THIS NOW, IM PUTTING MYSELF IN A BAD LIGHT. CHEATING IS BAD OK. DON’T DO IT. IT JUST SO HAPPENED THAT OUR TEACHER HASN’T TAUGHT US ANYTHING YET AND APPARENTLY THIS QUIZ WAS HIGH STAKES ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS TO BE ON CHEAT MODE. BUT AGAIN, CHEATING IS BAD).

the exam ended with our professor getting the paper one by one and i was so scared because before the quiz started i wrote my name on the paper of my friend just to be all quirky because i didn’t know how much pressure we will subject ourselves into but thank God the teacher didn’t notice or if she did, she didn’t mind.

after the quiz, our teacher gave us 15 seconds to find this sheet in our bags that was apparently given to us on the first day of school and we were supposed to use that sheet to login our information on a software our teacher made but i couldn’t find it because i did not know it was that important!!! so the 15 seconds was over and our teacher was like “so did you see it” and y suddenly shouted yes ma’am, so i just went straight to my chair and asked him how he got it and explained to me that the code wasn’t even necessary because you can just input your name and our information is in the database and i asked him why he didn’t tell me earlier because i really made a mess on the platform of our classroom because all bags were supposed to be put in the front but when i checked my laptop he actually did it for me which i think was nice.

when we entered this software, it looked like an 8 bit game and our teacher was telling us how to access it in some way. (i don’t think i have to explain it here because it’s very tedious but it was cute that my dream had that detail even if i didn’t know much about technology). so our teacher told us to find this woman in the game and i found her in the game and she was carrying a baby, an 8 bit baby because the whole game was designed that way. BUT they were still walking and it seemed like our characters protected the mommy duo that’s when i realized that maybe the mom in the 8 bit game was actually our teacher and she’s trying to save her child and she made this whole ploy in order to have her students protect her child and since we all wanted to help her we tried our hardest, but the software crashed in a way where it seemed like it was broken but it was actually the boss level and we were just protecting the mom and the baby throughout the game.

i don’t remember what happened but i don’t think it was good news, at least on my end, but there were like 40 of us playing the game and i wasn’t necessarily good at it so after my character died i was just praying the entire time that my teacher would make it out alive with her baby...

(BUT IF I’M BEING TOTALLY HONEST, I LITERALLY DO NOT REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED... but now that i’m thinking about it, it felt like we were all disappointed in the end... so i guess they died in the game??? and my teacher will lose her child? DAMN THAT WAS DARK. WHY ARE MY DREAMS SO DARK???????)