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magnoliawhetstone · 4 years

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h e a d c a n o n s, pt. 1

( tw: mentions of eating disorder )

When Lia is drunk/ tipsy she likes to act our favorite movie scenes—even if she’s alone. Most recently was the titanic scene (where she also got her knee suck in the balcony). She can quote all of the legally blonde courtroom scene and definitely knows the mean girls Christmas dance as well.

When Lia bakes, she has this small habit of humming or singing when she does so. Interestingly enough, for how involved baking is, she’d done it for so long she’s relatively good at shutting her brain down for a while when she does it. Or, at least, it takes all her energy to bake instead of overthink. It’s why she stress bakes so frequently and it’s also why she hums/sings when she does it. It’s mindless and she’d be embarrassed if anyone heard it–but she doesn’t always realize she’s doing it.

Surprisingly, while Lia’s favorite book is Pride and Prejudice, her favorite movie is Love Actually. She can quote most of the movie–as she can with most things she loves–and her favorite scene is when Hugh Grant dances to “Jump (For My Love)” by the Pointed Sisters. This is another scene she sometimes recreates when drunk.

Lia is not the biggest fan of Harry Potter. She doesn’t even know what house she’s in (its Ravenclaw but she can’t remember that). She never got into the series, never found it to be that interesting–magic didn’t quench her thirst the way some other books did…

Yes, that’s right. Magnolia Barnes was absolutely a Twi-Hard. You could not pull her away from these books–it was even worse since, at age 18, you’d think she would have had better taste. But no, she was #TeamJacob all the way. And yes, she did go see the movies when they came out. And yes, she did cry at the end. Don’t judge her.

Lia loves watching home renovation shows, though she literally has no reason to watch the show. She’s never had to do a home reno in her life. But she likes to imagine a day when she would–she thinks she’d be quite good at it. Sometimes about being able to use her hands in a meaningful way strikes her as soothing–its why she likes baking so much. She doesn’t have proof she’d be good at it, but she has a feeling she’d be pretty good with her hands if she can make delicate pastries so well.

Lia loves college football. Like absolutely adores it. Big Clemson gal, Tiger Rag is her jam. She remembered spending fall weekends at their Lake Keowee home so they could easily drive over to Clemson and go to a home game. Hates the Gamecocks with a passion. Rivalry weekend was her favorite time of year growing up–it was so full of excitement and energy. In fact, the most heated you might ever see Lia out of an argument is walking a Clemson football game. And yes she knows exactly what’s going on down on the field and if you ask her one more time if she’s sure–she will throw a piece of pie in your face.

Speaking of Clemson, Lia wanted to go there for college–get her degree in English. But she also had high dreams to be the baton twirler on the field–the one who dots the i with whatever family they’re celebrating that day in the pregame ceremony? Yeah, she wanted that. She thought that maybe she could mix the two worlds of hers, her two areas of interest–but no, that was never to be the case.

Lia grew up going to State fairs every summer–but never an amusement or theme park. She has never been to a planetarium, and her first trip to an Aquarium was with Beckett. Her first trip to a Zoo was with Ryder. So sure she’s ridden some rides, but it’s never been like most people have. It’s her dream to go to DisneyWorld one day and somehow, someway, stay in the Cinderella Suite. she’s watched enough youtube videos to know that not one gets to stay there but contest winners and celebrities, but still–a girl can dream.

While her peers took their vacations in Paris, Nice, Monaco and Italy, Lia’s father preferred north–like Amsterdam. Which, to be fair, was really very nice and Lia liked going. She even had a friend, Tess, who she’d hang out with when they would go on holiday as they called it. Tess was cool–she was into collecting model trains and really liked to read also. But then Tess’s parents sent her to boarding school after they had found out that she had been chatting with people online that she shouldn’t have been. Lia thought that sounded awfully harsh and hoped her parents would never do something like that to her. (Oh, irony)

When she’s sick, she doesn’t want chicken noodle soup, she wants wonton soup. Why? She doesn’t know, but she’s never liked chicken noodle soup. She thinks its the mushy carrots and celery. But wonton soup is essentially the same thing, but with a wonton and better flavor. She likes hers with spinach.

If toast is cut diagonal, she can’t eat it. Vertical squad for the win.

Big Bon Appetit fan. The quickest way to make her smile is to make her watch an episode of “one of everything” or “gourmet makes”. she might have a small crush on alex delany but we don’t talk about that.

Lia believe in aliens but not ghosts. She’s not big on conspiracy theories either–but she might be tempted by the stories at Denver Intentional Airport. She just can’t accept that humans are the only living things in the universe. That’s a lot for her–but she doesn’t go actively searching for them. Ghosts, on the other hand–she just never believed in them. Why would anyone want to haunt someone? Seemed like a weird power play to her. And no, despite what some people at the Malnati think, the moon is not made of cheese.

Lia is obsessed with spreadsheets. If you asked her what the dorkiest thing about her was–she’d tell you it was her planner and spreadsheets. She has a spreadsheet for probably every aspect of her life. her planner–which is really a bullet journal–is how she keeps track of things when she can’t get on her computer, but she has one for chores, her books, work, her bucket list, hell–even a bachelorette watch party she had a few years ago. She loves being organized.

Office supplies are her kryptonite. She absolutely loves blank notebooks and pens. She has a favorite pen for different things. Pentel RSVP RT Retractable Ball Point in black for everyday items, Staedleter fine tips felt pens for her bullet journal, sharpie pens for when she wants her notes to stand out, Zebra Mildliner for headers in her bullet journal or giving the pages shape. She is incredible persnickety on who can borrow what pen, and even keeps less important pens in her pencil bag just to lend out. And under very few circumstances will you ever see Magnolia Barnes using a pencil unless she has been required too. She hates the darn things.

Lia doesn’t swear–her mother taught her ladies don’t swear and while she doesn’t believe language as a gatekeeper for femininity anymore, the expectation still holds. So if you do hear her use a curse word, something is very very wrong.

Go to coffee order, you ask? Easy. Grande White Chocolate Peppermint Mocha with Blonde Espresso and Almondmilk and yes whipped cream. Sometimes she’ll get it with Raspberry instead. If its iced, it’s a tall and no whipped cream. However, she can also be bought over with a Venti Iced Guava Tea Lemonade with 8 pumps sweetener.

Lia has seen the Chatworth House–the house used as Pemberly in the Kiera Knightly version of Pride and Prejudice. While its not her all time favorite movie, she sure loves it still and begged her parents to take her one summer. They relented and it was everything she had dreamed of seeing.

It’s well known that Lia cannot dance–she often tells people she can only line dance and Viennese Walz, and the former only happens when she’s tipsy on PBRs.

Lia loves sleeping with windows open because she can’t sleep in silence. The white noise of the city helps relax her and and makes her sleep easier.

However, she must read in silence–any noise will distract her and she gets relatively grumpy if anyone interrupts her reading. She also adores reading by a window. She likes the way the natural lights illuminates the pages.

Words are some of Lia’s favorite things–she thinks they’re magic. So loves the way they sound and likes to think about the way they feel in her mouth and how they roll off the tongue. She does her best to take her time when speaking too–because if words are so important, its better to get them right the first time. (Although perhaps she would learn that getting it right may not always be nearly as important as saying something at all).

(tw: eating disorder) Not many people know this, but after the book incident, Lia has begun to go to therapy. Her counselor, Tonya, has been helping her try to work through what things are Lia and what things are Lia’s mother. They haven’t gotten to the eating disorder conversation yet–and Lia dreads it. because Lia has never used the term out loud–in fact, the only time it was ever spoken was by the doctor the night of the incident. She has never named it and technically never claimed it out loud–though she knows its true in her heart.

Lia hates pickles. Don’t know why, but she thinks they are gross. Also parmesan cheese.

Magnolia loves horses–perhaps not the extend of others, but she had grown up riding them and when she rode them, she always sensed a freedom that was just out of reach at home. Perhaps that was because who was always riding wit her, but she doesn’t like to dive deep into that. It complicates things (that maybe needed to be complicated, just sayin’). Leaving her childhood horse Butternut was like leaving a pet (something the Barnes did not have as Lia grew up). Butternut and her went on a lot of adventures together, usually along side Buttersquash and Jack. It was good squad.

Lia’ favorite dessert is Mrs. Whetstone’s peach cobbler–and she has pour her life’s work into recreating it since she never asked for the recipe before she left. Every time she tries, she feels like she gets a little closer, but its never quite right. But it does remind her of home and its one of those memories she loves dearly. Anyone who asks her, though, what her favorite dessert is, she’ll say cheesecake because nothing even compares in her mind to that cobbler and she doesn’t want something to try to do something that will never reach what she expects. And she does love cheesecake.

Favorite flavor of yogurt? Chobani Raspberry Lemonade. Its only available in the summertime, but boy is it worth the wait.

#tw eating disorder #[[homecoming queen?; headcannons]]#if any of these spur plots lmk!!!

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thesportssoundoff · 6 years

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“Need a video of Derrick Lewis critiquing the Wizard Of Oz” The UFC in Kansas Preview

The UFC comes to Wichita, Kansas for a relatively intriguing fight card! Every once in a while the UFC will book a venue somewhere and instead of giving it an ass card which you would explain for what the WWF in the 80s or 90s would call a B Town, they bring out a pretty compelling fight night on paper that goes entirely under the radar. We saw it when they loaded up for Norfolk, Virginia with Poirier vs Pettis, Matt Brown vs Diego Sanchez, Andrei Arlovsky and a loaded undercard. We saw it with Boise's card last year that had JDS vs Ivanov, Sage Northcutt and plenty other really good name fights. Now we get it here as Wichita gets JDS vs Derrick Lewis, Ben Rothwell vs Blagoy Ivanov, Curtis Millender vs Elizeu Zaleski and a host of fighters on the undercard who you've heard of like Omari Akhmedov, Tim Boetsch, Drew Dober, Tim Means, Marion Reneau, Anthony Rocco Martin and Louis Smolka. There's some damn good compelling matchmaking on top of that as well! This is my kinda show with WW violence and a heaping helping of big doughy guys throwing fists at one another. Also let's not forget this card starts at 8 PM so it won't take you into mid Sunday morning either. All in all, the UFC is giving Wichita a solid fight card worthy of your time.

Fights: 13

Debuts: Jeff Hughes, Grant Dawson

Fight Changes/Injury Cancellations: 1 (Daniel Spitz OUT, Maurice Green IN vs Jeff Hughes)

Headliners (fighters who have either main evented or co-main evented shows in the UFC): 7 (Derrick Lewis, Junior Dos Santos, Blagoy Ivanov, Ben Rothwell, Louis Smolka, Beneil Dariush and Tim Boetsch)

Fighters On Losing Streaks in the UFC: 1 (Alex White)

Fighters On Winning Streaks in the UFC: 6 (Matt Schnell, Junior Dos Santos, Curtis Millender, Elizeu Zaleski Dos Santos, Anthony Rocco Martin, Sergio Moraes)

Main Card Record Since Jan 1st 2017 (in the UFC): 24-13-1

Junior Dos Santos- 2-1 Derrick Lewis- 4-2 Curtis Millender- 2-0 Elizeu Zaleski Dos Santos- 5-0 Niko Price- 3-2 Tim Means- 2-3 Blagoy Ivanov- 0-1 Ben Rothwell- 0-0 Beniel Dariush- 1-2 Drew Dober- 3-0 Omari Akhmedov- 1-0-1 Tim Boetsch- 1-2

Fights By Weight Class (yearly number here):

Welterweight- 4 (15) Heavyweight- 3 (7) Lightweight- 2 (14) Bantamweight- 1 (12) Featherweight- 1 (8) Middleweight- 1 (5) Women’s Bantamweight- 1 (2)

Light Heavyweight- (8) Women’s Strawweight- (6) Women’s Flyweight- (7) Flyweight- (4)

2019’s Records We Keepin Track Of:

Debuting Fighters (5-12): Jeff Hughes, Grant Dawson

Short Notice Fighters (5-5): Maurice Green

Second Fight (17-3): Maurice Green, Dan Moret, Louis Smolka

Cage Corrosion (Fighters who have not fought within a year of the date of the fight) (4-7): Ben Rothwell, Omari Akhmedov

Undefeated Fighters (7-8):

Fighters with at least four fights in the UFC with 0 wins over competition still in the organization (1-3): Alex White, Matt Schnell, Tim Means, Omari Akhmedov

Weight Class Jumpers (Fighters competing outside of the weight class of their last fight even if they’re returning BACK to their “normal weight class”) (6-5): Matt Schnell

Twelve Precarious Ponderings

1- So what's next for JDS if he wins? I would've put a halt to JDS ever fighting for the title again after getting smelted by Stipe in May of 2017 but since that point he's beaten Blagoi Ivanov and Tai Tuivasa, both pretty emphatically. The Tuivasa one was particularly interesting since JDS got hurt, recovered and then finished him in the next round. It also helps that Miocic is pretty much missing in action right now and the new champion is a guy with one foot in the door and one foot out. Assuming the Brock situation doesn't pan out, JDS on a three fight winning streak might eek him over Ngannou. Now WOULD you do Ngannou vs JDS? They tried that previously and it fell apart with JDS getting caught up in one of those Brazilian tainted pill situations. Once cleared, it feels like a JDS vs Ngannou fight would make a lot of sense BUT if you needed a #1 contender on the fly for Cormier, who could you even rely on if Ngannou and JDS are tied up?

2- Derrick Lewis in the past has said that the guys who REALLY give him problems aren't the big tough wrestler types who take him down (Daniel Cormier being the exception) and it's the strikers who can throw down with him who give him problems because he doesn't fight well going backwards. Case in point guys like Matt Mitrione, Shawn Jordan, Mark Hunt etc etc. This is a rough ugly stylistic match up for him but I would not at all rule out Derrick Lewis.

3- Is Derrick Lewis beginning to be settle into a niche as a Cowboy Cerrone for HW? A popular dude who exists in the middle of the division who is there to bolster up cards and occasionally pop a nice number as a headliner?

4- Elizeu Zaleski vs Curtis Millender should be five rounds. Don't give me any other measures.

5- Ben Rothwell hasn't fought since 2016 and I wonder if he's still a top 10 heavyweight. Rothwell's super limited athletically but he's got a surprising toolbox of things he can go to to pick up wins. He hits surprisingly hard, he doesn't panic in the face of pressure, his ground game is solid for a big guy and he's really durable. So can Rothwell still be a top 10 HW? For point of reference, Marcin Tybura and Aleskei Olynik are 9 and 10 in the top 10 currently.

6- Tim Means vs Niko Price is either a lock for 50K in some form or fashion or it'll be the blur nobody remembers the next day.

7- Maybe I watched waaay too much Victory FC but I really do like Grant Dawson as a potential prospect for the future. Dawson is just one of those guys from the Mid West who you can see having a big long term future with the right amount of matchmaking. Dawson's wrestling chops on their own combined with his quicks should give him a shot to make it pretty far in the UFC even if his striking needs a TON of work. We also don't necessarily know what he's gotten better at after a suspension in 2017 after signing his UFC deal. He has Julian Erosa which is a really interesting prospect vs regional level gatekeeper type fight.

8- I'm having a tough time getting a read on Rothwell vs Blagoy Ivanov currently. Rothwell's been gone obviously for quite a while and that, in turn, opens the door as to whether or not he's cooked. On the other hand, Ivanov looked pretty much out of his depth when he fought JDS in July. It's been said that he was hurt going into that fight BUT Ivanov was kind of developing into a clunky doughy guy down for the WSOF/PFL anyways. Ivanov also has some statistical crash padding here with a 17-3 record for fighters on their second fight so he's got "the odds" in his favor as well. Something tells me this one could be pretty ugly.

9- Keeping with second fight numbers, you've got Maurice Green back in action! It's a short notice call up and a rematch in a fight he lost BUT Greene is a big long HW who can cut it on the feet and has the sort of hips you don't see at HW to throw up triangles. He's coming off a win over Cuban HW Michel Batista. Across from him will be Jeff Hughes, a Contenders Series guy who probably should've just been signed up to the UFC without any hurdles to jump.

10- Tim Boetsch vs Omari Akhmedov is going to be somethin'. I don't know WHAT but it'll be somethin'.

11- If Yana Kunitskaya beats Marion Reneau, how far away is she REALISTICALLY from a title shot. That'd be two in a row at 135 lbs after getting smelted by Cyborg in a division where Holly Holm is really the only fresh fight for Amanda Nunes. If Nunes is retiring at the end of 2019, does it make sense to just keep Yana away?

12- This is the first time since July that we've had back to back shows with fights at women's bantamweight. Do something with this division, man.

#MMA #UFC

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thedoctorisadhd · 7 years

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what's once on this island about?

i hope ur happy anon, bc this took me literally like six hours im not exaggerating even a little

short answer: so u take the original plot of the littlest mermaid and u plunk it down rIGHT in the middle of 1920s haiti, right

long answer (like, REALLY long answer. like REALLY long. im sorry i dont know how to summarize when there are so many good things):

“there is an island where rivers run deep…”

“where the sea, sparkling in the sun, earns it the name, ‘jewel of the antilles.’”

“an island where the poorest of peasants labor —”

“— and the wealthiest of the grand hommes lay.”

“two different worlds on one island!”

“the grand hommes, owners of the land and masters of their own fates.”

“and the peasants, eternally at the mercy of the wind and sea, would pray constantly to the gods.”

those are the four storytellers, beginning the play. lydia started the first line, then abby, then dori, then natalie, and repeat.

(oh yeah, also this is the jr version. also, i dont know everything bc i was backstage the majority of the time)

so the gods that the beach people / peasants are dancing to, theres 4 of them. asaka (played by lavanya in our production) is the goddess of the earth, erzulie (played by luke who’s closeted, so i change it to a god, erzulio) beautiful goddess of love. agwe (played by ian) is the god of the sea, and papa ge (eli, of course, and it’s literally pronounced papa gay), my personal favorite, is the sly demon of death

and this is all described in the first number “we dance”

stay tuned yo it gets better.

(its so good. dont ever listen to any version besides the chatham one i can guarantee you that any non-eli papa ge, any non-luke erzulie / erzulio, any non-lavanya asaka, any non-ian agwe, any non-lydia / dori / abby / natalie storyteller will not be as good)

so basically theres this storm, and in this storm is a little girl and the gods are like “no papa ge we’re not killing her you fuck” and they irresponsibly plunk her down in a tree

and so tonton julien (ben) and mama euralie (izzy) come along & are like “holy shit a kid” (and this girl is crying her eyes out of course bc as mr adam creatively put it to the girl who played young ti moune, “you were just dropped in a tree by some randos you’ve never seen before in your entire life”) but like theyre poor and dont have a lotta food and shit so they try to leave but the gods, showing some small modicum of responsibility, like, use the force to pull them back. so these peasants adopt ti moune and name her ti moune and theres a whole big number about her growing up called “one small girl” which i quite like actually

then ti moune is grown up (sammie) and she sings about like “whats my destiny yo” all naive in “waiting for life” and sees a car which is a big ol lead-in to the next number. which brings us to

so in the beginning of “rain” theres this HILARIOUS section of dialogue with the gods picking mangos and here it is bc i cant not include it man

asaka: 🎵 pick a mango! 🎵

agwe: 🎵 a juicy mango! 🎵

erizulie: 🎵 a lovely mango! 🎵

papa ge, being Himself: 🎶 a poison mango! 😈 🎶

[all of the other gods look at papa ge]

anyway, after that theyre all proposing things to do to get ti moune less naive, with such wonderful suggestions from these dumbasses as “splash her with a wave” and “scare her half to death”. and then erzulie is like “yeah u do that imma give her what she wants bye” and the other gods are like “????????????” and shes just like “You Heard Me” and just goes like “Love Can Conquer Anything!!!!!!! :)))))))) ❤️💞💕💚💛💙💜💝💘💗💖❣️” and papa ge is like “that’s bullshit this whole thing is bullshit that’s a scam fuck the love here’s like two reasons why” and they argue (and asaka remarks that this is “more amusing than mangos”) and the gods are all “HMMMM🤔🤔” and then they all go “A BET!”

and the gods all start like pitching in to set up this bet, so like erzulie gives her strength and asaka’s gonna guide her but then papa ge interrupts like “IM GONNA MAKE HER CHOOSE” and then johnny boy i mean ian i mean agwe then calls dibs on choosing the circumstances of the bet

and u remember that car right? well ian agwe is like “that. thats the place where the 2 worlds meet” and he creates a big ol storm and in the song he says (one of my favorite lines, actually) “rain makes the road such a dangerous place” (he did amazing in that song but i feel kinda bad bc like. he was overshadowed by the other gods who are all incredible singers, and parts of it were too low for him. like, eli can sing as high as he did, but ian really cant sing that low)

also they used the fish flags from the seussical two years ago when sammie’s sister sidne played the cat in the hat. i always found it hilarious that dori of all people they couldve chosen played a fish

ANYWAY. so the car is goin down the road and crash oh no a car accident. totally not what agwe was (shot)gunning for

and so ti moune pulls this guy outta the car right, and — by the way, now we’re in this super intense number called “pray” — and this song is real fuckin good alright.

my opinion upon this is based almost solely on the fact that within the first like ten lines of this epically long song a peasant, talking about the guy that got pulled outta the car (daniel, that’s his name), says, literally: “papa ge wants him!” i will remind you that papa ge is pronounced “papa gay” and what makes it even more astronomically fuckin funny is that both hank, the guy that played daniel, and eli, who as u may know played papa ge, are mlm.

anyway no one wants to help daniel even tho he’s Actively Dying bc Fuck The Grand Hommes, Am I Right Guys We Cant Do Anything Were Peasants And There Is Sanctity That We Must Never Talk To Look At Or Think About A Single Grand Homme, Ever™ but ti mounes gonna help him bc Fuck You Guys and she keeps him alive while tonton julien goes to find the guys family after she’s Finally persuaded the guy to do this

and ti moune doesnt sleep for Three Fucken Days by the way. thats important in the next number

also daniel is supposed to be good looking so of course ti moune Falls In Love With Him despite never having seen him before in her entire life, and also hes unconcious the Whole time. i dont understand the heterosexuals

anyway, tonton juliens at the gate to daniels family hotel and he’s like “pls let me in i need to speak to monsieur beausome!” and the gatekeepers like “get the fuck away my guy” and hes like “no but its urgent!!” and the gatekeeper SLAPS BEN [LAST NAME REDACTED]*

so ben i mean tonton recovers and like seriously gets down on his knees and begs and the gatekeeper is still like “FUCK! NO!” and then ben fucking [last name redacted]* SCREAMS SAVAGELY “I HAVE FOUND HIS SON!” HOO BOY

and then at the end of pray you hear a long high note and then one specific girl takes it HIGHER ????????? idk who it is for sure but im willing to put my money on lavanya bc jesus christ can that girl sing

*people always say bens full name when referring to him for some reason, so it’s not ben bc which ben? it’s not ben b. it’s ben [last name redacted].

so pray goes ge STRAIGHT into forever yours. not the reprise, thats later.

so. forever yours. in a STUNNING turn of events (sarcasm. absolutely the least stunning thing after the whole “papa gay wants him” in pray), the VERY fucking FIRST LINE IN THIS WHOLE FUCKING STUPID HEARTFELT SONG is literally ti moune saying “i am a tree, holding away the storm”. are you fucking serious. are you kidding me. you waste the first line on that monstrosity,

anyway basically what happens in this is ti moune is singing about tending to daniel here it is

i am a tree holding away the stormhere in my arms i’ll keep u safe and warmeven the gods wont dare to cross this linewhere my life is forever yoursand you are mine

and on that last word, “mine”, papa ge joins in and it is fuckin CHILLING, not LEAST bc eli has the voice of a fuckin angel (and sammie too, but i think eli’s is just slightly better)

so eli stalks in and the first thing papa ge does, in a True demonstration of the gay / ge agenda, is Drag The Het.

(then he goes on to say “this boy is mine”)

so eli’s also got a knife (a fake one) and this is another Important Thing so yeah

anyway sammie ti moune should “TAKE MINE FOR HIS.” (her life she meant) and papa ge is SHOOK. he just … stops. “wot”

so yeah. ti moune, in one of The most IMPRESSIVE displays of heterosexual tomfoolery and ridiculousness i have Yet Seen (scene), trades her life for this Complete Fuckin Stranger she pulled out of the car wreck whomst has not as of yet spoken a Single word to her bc HE’S BEEN UNCONSCIOUS THE WHOLE TIME!?

and heres another good line, the first gay daddy nico diangelo himself eli papa gay papa ge has had since “wot”: i am the road / leading to no return

(and this is also where eli goes REALLY high. like not for basically everyone else, but for him)

then daniels two dads apparently, grant and hugh, pick him up and take him back to the hotel and ti moune is like “NOOOOOOO” and makes mama and tonton let her leave to go find daniel, and frankly i am not very interested in this specific part of the song so fuck that i skipped it lmao lets get to lavanyas fuckin SOLO

alright. “mama will provide”. exactly what it says on the tin, taking it into account that asaka would be mother earth i guess

really all this one is is lavanya’s fuckin angelic voice and What Exists In Nature, and i cant very well put lavanya’s voice down on the page for yinz to hear can i? the only notable thing i can really think of besides this next piece a dialogue will share w u is in the beginning theres a bunch of ensemble doing weird repeating acapella and some hopping in like frogs. “COO COO coo coo cOO COO COOO” “SHAH shaSHA-ah” “buuuuu BUM! BUM! bum” its sounds slightly weirder than it is

anyway here’s the best dialogue:

everyone: MOSQUITOS??

asaka: HA!

ACT TWO HERE WE FUCKIN GO ALRIGHT

ok, so ti moune finds daniel who doesnt know who she is bc, you know, he was unconscious the entire time. she gets him to know she was the one who nursed him tho. and they go to the front of the stage and ti moune sits and daniel puts his head on her lap. again, poor hank

now, “human heart”. jesus. i have literally cried over this song.

so erzulie goes out on stage to where hank is slowly suffering, probably, and sings this GODS DAMN BEAUTIFUL SONG about like, love n shit i guess. the storytellers and the other three gods act as a sort of choir. that’s pretty much all there is to say about human heart tho. moving on

ok so for “pray (reprise)” the gossipers (which are apparently supposed to be the storytellers, but fuck that thats lame, give my Cool Hoes lianna and taylor parts tbh) go out on stage and sing about how daniel is spending all his time w a peasant and shes a witch and yadda yadda yadda. and then theres some lame romance shit that i dont have fuckin time for

anyway, the song culminates with daniel’s father comin out on stage (lmao). which father, u ask? he had two of em? well that was grant and hugh, this one’s iain. conclusion: daniel has three polyamorous gay dads. this is the gayest production of a play ive ever seen. i mean papa ge? “papa ge wants him”? the fact that tonton means uncle so mama euralie and tonton julien arent married? “this boy is mine” coming from daddy gay himself? the fact that daniels last name means beautiful man? the “beautiful god of love” (as luke said, refusing to misgender himself in his introduction U GO LUKE)? the fact that out of the main cast (the 4 gods, the 4 storytellers, daniel, ti moune, andrea, mama euralie, and tonton julien) there are literally eight (8) actors who Arent straight (id bet that two others arent str8 and or / cis as well but im not sure)? just change daniel to danielle and itll be perfect

ayway daniel’s 3rd dad comes out on stage and tells him to stop this nonsense, young man ANYWAY NEXT SONG

in “some girls” the rich guys at the hotel all are doing a really lame colorless boring dance. then this girl andrea (ava) comes out and sings about the rumors about ti moune, that she’s stupid or wild, and daniel tells her to stop, then ti moune arrives and andrea really condescendingly asks her to dance for everyone and daniel encourages ti moune

so ti moune does a slow lame dance and then it gets loud and wild and fun! then when she’s done andrea goes to daniel and is like “she’s in love with you you oblivious fuck if you care at all you’ll tell her —” (unclear about what he’s caring about) and andrea is interrupted by ti moune who’s like “HI I HEARD MY NAME WHATCHA WANT ANDREA” and daniel goes and breaks her fuckin heart right

how he does this is he’s like “oops sorry i thought u would realize that we could never marry bc andrea and i are already engaged (since we were babies)”. daniel demonstrates an amazing amount of calmness about being forced to marry this girl he’s known all his life, and an incredible amount of insensitiveness bc TI MOUNE WAS NEVER FUCKIN TOLD THAT HE WAS ENGAGED. honestly i loathe literally every single character in this play except for the gods and the storytellers lmao

OK NOW FOR MY FAVORITE FUCKIN ONE WOW :~)

the reprise of forever mine.

so. ti moune is alone on stage and she goes like “gods please are u listening help me” and then. u hear. eli’s fucking amazing evil laugh and the gay himself appears

and he’s like u gotta keep ur promise ti moune im here to collect on that Soul

did i mention elis voice is beautiful? no i dont care, im sayin it again, eli [last name redacted] has the voice of an angel

anyway he’s like “u gave him ur soul, now u have to PAY” (the line he used here is “i am the price you’ll pay” and that sounds cool as shit)

and so “father homosexual,” as he was dubbed by luke, takes out his knife and sings “your life is forever mine” and holds the knife to ti mounes neck and ti moune yells “PLEASE DONT” and and and

he stops.

“trade your life for his.”

so papa ge gives her the knife and tells her to go stab daniel and he sings “i am the road that leads to no return” as he walks to the left side of the stage, and erzulie appears at the right side and sings human heart as papa ge continues with his verse from the first forever mine as ti moune struggles towards and away from daniel, straining, being pulled by opposite forces, love and death, and the two unite in singing “forever mine!” and ti moune casts the knife to the floor and screams “NO!”

and the music stops

and daniel sees the knife and picks it up

and says “why?!”

(fuckin bitch shoulda stabbed him when she had the chance)

and ti moune gets cast out and like, withers away at the gate neither eating nor sleeping, and then daniel comes to the gate with andrea at his wedding and sees ti moune and gives her a coin when she runs after him, and she collapses and the gods, sOMEHOW GAINING SOME MINISCULE VIEW OF THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR FUCKIN ACTIONS, all start CRYING. (erzulie won the bet) and erzulie hugs ti moune and papa ges probably off somewhere feeling sorry for himself bc you cant fuckin see him in the footage (nah, he’s off at the side of the stage with the other two gods neither of whomst you can see either), and mama euralie comes to sing this sad and pretty number “part of us” and then tonton and baby ti moune arrive as well for some fuckin reason,

and mama euralie says,

“and then the gods blessed her and turned her into —”

and then the gods hit their staffs on the floor (ian a bit gentlier bc his was falling apart bc he wouldnt stop fucking licking the fucking ribbons, ian) “a tree!”

and the tree comes up, forwards this time thankfully (phew) and and the tree fuckin cracks the walls of the hotel, get rekt scrubs, and the tree fuckin stalks daniel i guess, and daniels son sits by the tree and looks up and theres a peasant girl in its branches, and ti moune touches everyones hearts and also their livers, and everyone starts singing “why we tell the story”

also, fun story real quick, ive never actually seen eli dab i dont think (that’s something i need to accomplish real soon), and the dance he went off to the side and did with like, lydia, and agwe and ben [last name redacted] and daniels son and hugh — i guess all the boys in musical theater and also lydia, and the dance they have to do looks pretty damn like dabbing, and like, eli’s holding his staff so he cant do a true dab, really, but he can do a one armed one — but no. his dancing looks more like fuckin waving. ben [last name redacted] is dabbing, daniels son is dabbing, im like 80 percent sure ian’s dabbing directly behind eli, gloria’s dabbing in the back, but no, nOT ELI. im pretty sure he’s deliberately avoiding it smh

anyway

whOOP exciting parts over. now it’s time for Sad Half Circle Around Tree Girl i guess

“the stories that we weave,” and the storytellers and daniel’s son and the peasant girl in tree moune’s branches all come to the front and —

“there is an island where rivers run deep…”

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musingsofmaniacs · 7 years

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The Wachowskis - Reloaded

“The real violence, the violence I realized was unforgivable, is the violence that we do to ourselves, when we’re too afraid to be who we really are.”

—Nomi, from Sense8

Imagine if, 10 years ago, a transgender director with 2 back-to-back flops that costed $100 million each, whose last hit happened 13 years ago pitches an idea for a science-fiction series centered around 8 people who somehow are psychically connected to each other, dealing with complex issues including LGBT rights , shot in 8 different parts of world including places as far as India, strewn with little known faces. Now she wants you, an executive from The Studio, to throw your money at it. Of course you will turn it down.

That’s why Netflix has been a gift to the world of television. A platform where you could experiment with bold ideas with corporate backing and without tight budgetary constraints and reach the right audiences. One half of the credit goes to Netflix for agreeing to Sense 8, which had its first season coming out in 2015.

The other half of course goes to the visionary duo of Lilly and Lana Wachowski, the Wachowski sisters. Wachowskis are known to be reclusive as they rarely give out interviews, preferring to let their work do the talking. They started as Wachowski Brothers with a little known indie-thriller about a lesbian couple scamming off millions of dollars. But their watershed moment of course came in 1999 with Matrix. The thinking man finally got an action film, and suddenly the whole world started questioning the nature of their reality, while trying to stop imaginary bullets with their hands.

The film is now an undisputed classic changing the landscape of sci-fi films with slo-mo action sequences, slick trench coats, slicker shades and spartan, monochromatic, and polished backgrounds for depicting dystopia. Blending Buddhism, Advaita Hinduism, Christianity, Messianism, existentialism, and nihilism with green tone, smooth action sequence and eclectic music, The Matrix cemented its position as one of the greatest films ever.

There is No Spoon

The sequels were as bad as the part I was good, and the good times made themselves scarce for the duo for considerable part of the next 10 years. Animatrix got a lukewarm response, though it is a recommended watch. The only hit they saw was V for Vendetta, in which they had screenwriting credit. Amidst this, Larry transitioned to Lana and took a break. Speed Racer went kaput, few short movies went unnoticed, a few more Matrix video-games here and there and we arrive at Cloud Atlas.

Cloud Atlas proved to be the most divisive movie of the year. You either loved it or you hated it. It was one of the most difficult-to-film novels, and the story was too risky for big shots like Warner Bros. to back. Cloud Atlas remains the costliest Indie movie ever made, with a budget of 100 Million Dollars which it unfortunately failed to recover.

I happen to belong to the former category, and Cloud Atlas was the film that truly cemented my respect for the duo, making them one of my favorite directors. It only got better with Sense8. So what gives? Why are they brilliant? Are their movies that good? Eh… not really. Many a times, plot feels not-too-fleshed out. Dialog feels too contrived, and this is especially my complaint with Sense8. Acting can get ham-handed to the point that it makes you cringe. Look no further than the Indians in Sense8, Tina Desai and Purab Kohli for proof. Yikes.

But I am eagerly waiting for the second season. And I was bowled over by Cloud Atlas, as I was when I experienced The Matrix. That siblings to bring to us such brave, bold and risky ventures in the face of a possibility abject failure hanging on their heads like a sword is absolutely worth cherishing. It boggles one’s mind to realise that there are multitudes of stories, events and lives that deserve to but will never see the silver screen, because the executives up there are too afraid to lose money or audiences over it, thinking the masses will not accept it. Or the directors feel discomfited stepping even an inch out of their comfort zone, preferring to stay within the neat little boxes that guarantee profits. How many pointless Marvel, DC, X-Men, Fast and Furious sequels have we had to endure that add no value to their respective universes but are sure shot cash cows because the fanboys will gobble it up like an over-sweetened cotton candy? The permutations and combinations of concepts, arcs, elements, and characters that will make for a cinema experience worth remembering but won’t get made, because they may not get the cash registers ringing or they may not pass the censors, is too damn high.

I know, I know, we live in a real world where real money by real people with real stakes are involved and there is nothing wrong in making honest money by making people forget their blues for an hour and half. But are the directors not doing a disservice to their mind-blowing talent by not taking risks and making the movies they really want to make? Joss Whedon, the man who concocted Firefly, is now stuck with making formulaic Avengers films with Tony Stark’s tired smart-ass lines. Steven Spielberg made the god awful Indiana Jones part IV that brought in the dough anyway. James Cameron will resurrect Avatar, a studio requirement that has him tied up and committed to things he would otherwise dread.

Kids, don’t try this at home. Or during a Nuclear Armageddon.

And that is why, when the duo were free from the clutches of The Studio, Cloud Atlas happened. The ambitiousness of the story, the boldness of the concept, and idea and the audacity to spend big money on it and bring it to life is enthralling to see, filling one with hope that the idea of taking risks and walking along the road not taken is not dead. The film, with its scale, depth, and compassion imprints onto the patron, so that they can take the film with them home. More importantly, if one feels that a homage to Wachowskis for their intentions is like a Nobel Prize to Obama for the same, the film is highly enjoyable and entertaining. Hugh Grant, the crown prince of chocolate boys, plays variety of villains, including a barbaric tribal, and that’s another reason why this is a recommended watch. Better still, Hugo Weaving, ‘Mr Anderson’ and a Wachowski favorite, plays an old mean lady, a Nurse Ratched of old age home if you will.

Which makes their push to Sense8, after Cloud Atlas spectacular debacle, all the more laudable. Sense8 has a gay actor hiding his identity, a transgender woman as a part of lesbian couple, a woman fighting misogyny at the highest level, a policeman who inherited a haunting unsolved case, and a myriad mix of other sensates, struggling with finding their places in the worlds, that are connected mentally, can communicate with each other mentally, can experience things other sensate is experiencing, can possess a fellow sensate’s body and can make love to a fellow sensate! To top it all, an evil organisation is trying to track down these sensates, like a witch hunt.

The opening quote about violence we do unto ourselves, by the transgender character in the series, becomes all the more relevant when you consider the struggle the directors had with their transition. The character who is hiding his sexuality from the world perhaps resonates with Andy hiding the Lilly in her from the world, until it was forced out of her by an evil brand of journalism that the likes of Daily Mail relish in. A great work of art is, after all an artist baring himself onto the celluloid and audience’s gate pass to the the artist’s mind palace. Lilly’s and Lana’s is a dazzling, formidable, brave, fresh, creative and interesting. Netflix is the gatekeeper in shining armor. Buy that ticket.

PS: Tom Tykwer and J Michael Straczynski also share credits for Cloud Atlas and Sense8 respectively. Tykwer is of course the brilliant German director of Run Lola Run fame and latter is the creator of Babylon 5.

PPS: If you are wondering how I conveniently missed Jupiter Ascending, well, while it does nothing to improve the tonality of this article from that of a fanboy ramble to that of an objective piece, I believe the duo do get a few strikes. Besides, 5 minutes into the movie, I couldn’t stand it. Lilly and Lana still have a bit to go to achieve greatness.

#sense8 #the wachowskis

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