#gay sex is an option fellas!!!!

[wsbhonni]

I need to hear Arkin And Asa say each other's names

I NEED TO HEAR ASA SOFTLY SAY ARKINS NAME LIKE HE'S SAVORING IT

AND I NEED ARKIN TO YELL ASA'S NAME IN A FIT OF (PASSIONATE) RAGE

PLEASE-

[mikereads]

“You and Tommy have the right idea. Hang out with the boys!” -Gay, that is gay sir!

[ghostofaboy]

Inter-Agency Cooperation

Summary: Jack runs into another agent on a mission and figures out a new way for them both to get what they want.

Pairing: Jack 'Whiskey' Daniels/Javier Peña Rating: Explicit. Serious over 18s only | Word Count: 2633

Warnings: Frottage, anal sex, public sex, Jack is his own warning

Note: This as not been beta read so I apologize for any mistakes. This is a fic with gay/bi characters. Please make sure you've read the warnings. Header by @beskarandblasters

Of all the places Jack thought he'd find himself today, a dive bar in the middle of butt fuck nowhere watching a cage fight wasn't even on his list. Silly, really, considering all the strange places his Statesman missions took him. All around him, large drunken men in plaid shirts jeered and shouted at the two half naked men in the cage. The entire bar stank of stale beer and sweat, which made Jack long for the heady woody smells of the Statesman barrel room, but he couldn't argue with the view.

In the cage, a massive slapdash metal structure that dominated the center of the rundown establishment, were two young men. Neither could have been older than twenty-five, both striped to the waist in just their jeans, and both covered in blood and sweat. It was the most homoerotic shit Jack had ever seen in such a painfully hetero bar. He had to stifle a laugh whenever he thought about it.

Taking another sip of his shitty beer, Jack glanced over to his mark, only to find him in the exact same spot since the last time he checked. Fast asleep in a corner booth, drooling into his thick, bushy beard. Another quick look around the bar confirmed that no one else was paying either of them any attention; except for one man.

Sat at a table, set off to the corner with a view of Jack, his mark and the cage, was a broody looking motherfucker. Sporting a well-worn leather jacket, a mustache similar to his own and a casual air that oozed practiced confidence, the other man had definitely made him. Everything about this guy said agent, the only question was what kind.

Jack's money was on CIA considering the dealings his sleepy mark was into, but FBI was also a possibility. There was only one way to find out, and considering Jack didn't feel like competing with another agent for the mark, working together was the better option for them both. Eying the other man, Jack could see he was also nursing what passed for beer in this shithole. There was his opening.

Sliding off his barstool, Jack glanced over at the two young men now slumping against each other, gasping for breath, the sweat rolling off them. Swaggering over to the stranger's table, Jack was met with a single raised eyebrow and a tilt of the head.

"Evenin'." Jack tipped his hat, before leaning down slightly closer to the other man. "Enjoyin' the entertainment?"

"Not my usual kind of thing." The other man smirked and Jack could just pick out the hints of a Texan accent. "But when in Rome or whatever."

"I agree." Jack gave a chuckle. "Almost makes up for the terrible beer. Do you mind if I join you?" Jack gestured to the free chair next to the stranger.

The other man didn't respond beyond a small nod, but his eyes watched Jack intently as he slid into the seat. 

“I don’t know about you,” Jack leaned in conspiratorially, “but I usually prefer somethin’ a little stronger. Now, I’m a whiskey man myself. How about you?”

“I’m a cut the bullshit kinda man.” The stranger sat up a little straighter, locking eyes with Jack with a steadiness that could only come from years of experience in the field. “So, why don’t you do us both a favor and tell me who you are and what you want.”

“To the point, I respect that.” Jack nodded. “All right. I’m Agent Jack Daniels, and I’m here keepin’ an eye on that fella over there. Reckon you know who I mean, seein’ as you’ve also got eyes on him. I need him alive as part of an investigation, and I get the feelin’ you do too.”

“You CIA?”

“No.” Jack carefully pulled his fake DIA badge from his jacket, flashing it under the table at the stranger. “You?”

“DEA.” The stranger mimicked Jack, carefully and covertly showing his badge. “Javier Peña. Our guy has links to a new player in the narcotics trade.”

“Indeed he does.” Jack nodded again, glancing around to make sure no one was watching or listening to them. “Amongst other things. Peña, huh? Weren’t you part of the team that took down Escobar?”

Javier shifted in his seat. “That was a long time ago. So what do you want to do? I’m here tonight to see who he meets up with.”

“He ain’t meetin’ up with anyone tonight. He was meant to, but I’ve already made sure that ain’t happenin’.” Jack leaned back in his chair, his eyes drifting over to the cage fighters who were rolling around on the floor trading punches. “The dumb fuck’ll stay here, so I was gonna wait until the mornin’ and tail him back to wherever he’s holed up. You’re welcome to join me.”

Jack watched as Javier’s sharp eyes assessed him thoroughly. Jack could feel those dark eyes taking in every detail of him and knew that on some level Javier wasn’t buying his story. But was it enough for him to leave?

“Fine.” Javier scowled, taking a swig of beer, pulling a face at the taste. “I guess we just wait then.”

“At least there’s a show.” Jack gestured to the cage, scooting his chair back slightly so he was parallel to Javier at the table. “Who’s your money on? The fuckin’ twink blond or the other one?”

“At least that one can grow facial hair.” Javier let out a harsh laugh as he watched the two fighters. 

The crowd was getting impatient now, roaring and booing for the two young men to hurry up and finish. The blond responded by lunging at the darker haired man, who stepped back to avoid the attack. Grabbing hold of each other by the jeans, the two men fell to the floor of the cage again, tussling back and forth, much to the pleasure of the crowd. 

A loud whoop came from one section of the gathered men and as Jack craned his neck to look he could see that the blond had managed to pull down the other man’s jeans, exposing his ass. As the fighters rolled, grabbed and tugged at each other, the jeans worked their way further down until the man’s cock and balls were free. By this point, he was pinned under the blond, who had straddled his back, causing the other man’s legs to kick wildly. The result was a fantastic view of his asshole bared for the crowd, with his heavy dick and balls swinging back and forth. 

Much of the crowd was cheering now, clearly enjoying what they were seeing, as the blond fighter rolled the other man onto his back, yanking his jeans completely off victoriously. Now stark naked, bruised and bloodied, the other fighter slowly climbed to his feet before quickly barrelling into the blond. 

Jack could feel his cock stirring as he watched the younger fighter’s naked body in front of him. He wasn’t alone, and Jack could spot more than a few tented pants in the audience. The blond was grabbing the other fighter’s ass and pulling his cheeks open, giving everyone a good view of a tight puckered hole, and Jack could feel his cheeks heating up as he stared. Pulling his eyes away to grab his hip flask from his belt, Jack’s eye flickered over to Javier. 

The other man was leaning back casually in his chair, giving the impression to anyone that he was completely disinterested in what he was watching. Taking a mouthful of whiskey, Jack let his eyes drift lower, his curiosity getting the better of him, and to Jack’s delight he could see the very obvious outline of an erection in those ridiculously tight jeans.

Holding his flask out to Javier, Jack couldn’t stop himself smirking as the other man jumped slightly, dropping the veneer of coolness for a moment, before taking the flask. Letting his eyes drop back down to the bulge in Javier’s jeans, Jack made sure to let the other man catch him looking as the flask was returned to him. 

“Good show, am I right?” Jack’s voice was a husky whisper as he leaned over to Javier. 

“Uh, sure.” Javier’s cheeks flushed slightly as he glanced around, looking everywhere in the bar except at the two young men glistening with sweat as the naked fighter ripped open the blond’s jeans as he swung him against the cage. His body clattering against the metal, his long cock squashed against the bars.

Jack waiting patiently until Javier’s eyes returned to him before gesturing discreetly at his hard on. “Wanna fuck?”

/////

Crashing around the back of the bar, lips clumsily found lips as teeth clashed and hands roamed. Slamming Jack up against the wall of the building, Javier’s mouth forcefully met his as the two men grunted and moaned in the cold night.

Venturing his hands lower, Jack cupped Javier’s erection through the denim, making the other man buck into his palm as he forced his tongue past Jack’s lips. It had been a long time since Jack had been with someone so aggressively dominant, and it was going straight to his cock, which strained against its confines.

Tugging open Javier’s fly, Jack reached inside, stroking the hard length, feeling it twitch in his hand as Javier’s finger’s tangled into Jack’s hair under his hat. Freeing his own cock, Jack pulled Javier in closer, bringing their erections together, as he began to steadily pump them with his hands. 

Javier moaned into Jack’s mouth an incomprehensible stream of English and Spanish as he trapped Jack against the wall, pinning him with his body as he rolled his hips in time with Jack’s strokes. But it wasn’t enough. Jack needed more. There was something about this grumpy DEA agent that was filling his head with the most obscene thoughts, and damn it if Jack wasn’t going to try and fulfil some of them.

Pulling his head back slightly to break the frantic kiss, Jack nuzzled against Javier’s jaw as the other man growled and ground against him.

“You wanna fuck me?” Jack panted into Javier’s ear, stopping his hand and pulling it away from their cocks. “I got lube and condoms.”

“Yes.” Was the simple, growled response as Javier took a step back, glancing around as Jack fished a condom out of his jacket.

As Javier busied himself putting it on, Jack quickly unbuckled his belt, pulling his jeans and underwear down to his knees. Reaching behind him, Jack pushed a finger into his ass, hissing at the coldness of the lube, before adding a second finger. Satisfied at the lubrication, Jack handed the tube to Javier, who applied a couple of drops before returning it.

Turning round, Jack steadied himself on the wall with his forearms, planting his feet as far apart as he could and bend over slightly to give Javier access to his ass. He could feel a hand on his bare hip and the tip of Javier’s cock lining up with his entrance before, slowly, Javier began to enter Jack. 

Jack let his head drop down as he bit back a moan as Javier’s thick length steady began to fill him. Inch by inch, Javier sank into Jack's hot waiting hole, both hands now gripping Jack's hips as his cock disappeared into Jack's body. Then, once he was buried to the hilt, Javier paused. Jack could hear him muttering and breathing heavily behind him as Jack adjusted to the size.

"You good?" Javier eventually whispered, one hand idly stroking Jack's exposed skin.

"I'm good." Jack hissed back, his arousal fogging his head. "Gimme all you got."

Jack heard a soft chuckled before Javier began to move. Pulling almost completely out slowly, before suddenly slamming back into Jack's waiting ass. Jack bit back a yelp as Javier began to set a rough, unrelenting pace. Each thrust pounding into Jack, rocking him forward until his cheek was barely touching the cold stone of the building. Javier's hips snapped against him as the obscene sound of flesh against flesh filled the night air. 

But it still wasn't enough. Jack was sure at this pace Javier wasn't going to last long, and given their extremely public locale that might be for the best. But Jack needed more. Arching his back, Jack tilted his hips slightly and sure enough the next time Javier plunged into him a jolt of electricity coursed through Jack. That's what he needed.

Javier seemed to quickly pick up on what Jack wanted, grabbing his hip with one hand and his hair with another to keep Jack in the right position. Then, like a jackhammer, Javier began to brutally fuck Jack. 

Jack's skin prickled with heat as the tension building in him threatened to explode. All he could do was get out shaking moans, and Javier huffed and panted behind him. The pace was becoming more erratic now, with each strike of Javier's hips against his ass, Jack could feel the other man's grip on his control slipping. The hands holding him dug their fingers in deep as Javier's tempo faltered. 

Between his legs, Jack's cock swung with every thrust, adding to the tantalizing anticipation as he got closer and closer to the edge. Then with a grunt and a hard snap of his hips forward, Jack felt Javier come. For a few seconds, he stilled, as Jack felt the cock inside him twitching through its release. Then, without warning, Javier began to pounding into Jack again.

The hand on his hip moved, reaching under to gently pump Jack's cock in time with Javier's thrusts. That was enough.

Like falling off a cliff, Jack came, spilling himself onto the dirt as his trembled in Javier's grip. Shockwaves of ecstasy rocked him as Javier continued to roll his hips, hitting that sweet spot, making Jack's knees buckle.

Jack would have been content to rest there against the wall of the bar, Javier's cock still buried in him, as he allowed the high of his orgasm to ebb away for a little longer. But just as his head began to clear of static, he felt Javier tense behind him, then quickly pull his softening length from Jack's now gaping hole.

"Fuck." Javier hissed. "Someone's coming."

"Dammit." Jack muttered, his words slurring together as he fought to pull his jeans up. 

Voices drifted through the cold night air and Jack watched warily as two men stumbled their way towards a truck, laughing heartily as a third more sober looking friend brought up the rear. Turning back to Javier, who was in the process of disposing of the condom, Jack smirked.

"We're good. You wanna head back inside, or are you up for a second round somewhere a little more private?"

"Fuck." Javier chuckled, pulling out a pack of cigarettes and after offering them to Jack, brought one to his lips and lit it. "Tempting. Very tempting, actually. But we have work to do."

"Ah, that dumb fuck'll still be asleep for a few hours yet." Jack waved a hand, but following as Javier started to make his way back round to the front door of the bar. "How about we wait till this place clears out some, then have round two in the men's room?"

Blowing out a puff of smoke, Javier stopped at the door, looking around thoughtfully. There were only a handful of patrons still in the bar now. As predicted, their mark was still sound asleep where they had left him. The fight was over, with the two young men now redressed and counting their winnings at a table in the corner. Leaning against the doorway, Javier turned back to Jack with a smirk.

"You wanna fuck me this time?"

/////

If you enjoy this please give it a reblog to share with other.

[devilsvine]

hi fellas. sorry to make a post like this but i really don’t know what else to do<3

hi i’m ken. my significant other and i are in a polyamorous relationship. i am gay and trans, they are nonbinary and pan, their husband is trans and pan. currently, them, their husband, and their 3 year old are homeless due to a series of being fucked over. the baby (my niece) is currently somewhere safe, but my s/o and friend are homeless right now and my roommates will not let me have them stay here any longer. their husband works, but my s/o is disabled and cannot work. because the USA is a hellscape, they don’t get disability payments because they’re married. their only other option is to live in their car, but that’s in danger of being repo’d.

tldr, the people i love are in a really rough spot and i’m at the end of my rope. i’m helping as much as i can, but i’m a full time student with a minimum wage job.

please, if you’re able to help, please do so. i do not know what else to do.

if you’re just feeling charitable,

venmo: kenl0rd

cashapp: $himb0logy

paypal

otherwise, i can offer art commissions (my art tumblr is @dangerrdaze if you’d like to see my work), tarot readings, spellwork commissions, and reiki treatments (i am certified Reiki 2 and able to do remote treatments. i can provide proof of my certification.) i’m also open to remote sex work. if any of this sounds good to you, DM me for further details.

the current goal is $5k, to move them into a place we know for sure can take them with their bad credit. any little bit helps.

$80/5000

please share this around!🧡

[gascon-en-exil]

8 and 17 for the fic asks :D

8. Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

Technically two separate scenes, but they're thematically connected. From Chapter 8 of "What Burns Between Us":

“Y’know that weren’t no lady that was hangin’ all over ya, right?” Osvald glances at him over the rim of his spectacles. “That was fairly obvious. I didn’t think you would mind that, in light of your own interests.” Partitio wants to slam his fist on the table. O’ course I mind! But he takes a deep breath, and tries not to let his anger show. “I don’t get why they even do it. Puttin’ on a show on stage is one thing, but who they tryin’ to impress in here? Anyone can see what they are.” “From my understanding that’s typically not the point. They believe, likely with good reason, that they’re less liable to be harassed acting as they do if they look like women from a distance.” “Oh.” Now Partitio feels guilty for judging them as he first did. Is that what Georgette meant – feeling free? “Additionally, it seems a reasonable conjecture that more men will enjoy their company if they dress and act as such.” Oh. Now Partitio slouches forward onto the table, his chin on his folded arms. “Men like you, ya mean.” “Excuse me?” “Don’t play dumb, it don’t suit ya.” He sighs. “Normal men. Men with wives n’ families, or who want ‘em leastwise. Men who only mess ‘round with fellas when they’re all riled up and ain’t got no other option. And when you do it’s all just one big game o’ pretend.” And I ain’t normal. Not that he needs to even say that; if those ladies had him figured out so quickly then surely Osvald must have pieced that together ages ago. He envisions himself wearing a dress and with paint on his face, giggling like a brothel girl as he walks arm-in-arm with Osvald down a busy street. He’s not sure he likes it, or if he even could. “Have I done something to offend you?” “Just…just forget it. You wouldn’t understand.” Partitio knows he’s pouting, but doesn’t care. Osvald regards him quietly for a long moment. “I think I do, actually.”

Then later, after they go back to their hotel and are in the middle of their second sexual encounter - and the first one with anal sex:

“I want you to know something, Partitio,” Osvald says, his voice ragged. Partitio pulls back from his embrace to look the other man square in the face.  “All the time that I’ve known you, these many months…I’ve seen you for what you are. Exactly what you are, without pretense or fabrication…” Osvald slams up into him, and Partitio howls. “…And I like what I see.”

And then Partitio has an orgasm. I figured that that was exactly what he needed to hear in that moment, in combination with the physical stimulation of bottoming for the first time. Up until this point in the fic Partitio has been ashamed of his attraction to men, and resigned to the belief that most of the ones who hook up with him aren't actually attracted to him but are instead using him as a stand-in for women. This is why, for instance, he has such an ambivalent reaction to the characters he meets in the first scene (variously crossdressers, drag queens, and/or trans women - as explained in the endnotes, I've left specific interpretations up to the reader), especially since he'd just watched one of them publicly flirting with Osvald while he felt like he couldn't do anything about it because that would be an admission that he's into guys. As one commenter put it, this is the moment where Osvald gives him explicit verbal confirmation that he enjoys Partitio on his own terms, and not as a replacement for his late wife or for women in general. It also calls back to Partitio's anxiety from the first chapters of the fic about Osvald figuring out that he's gay. It turns out that he did have Partitio pegged from the beginning...but he's also obviously into it.

In addition, I really made an effort to keep both characters' voices faithful to their canon dialogue. Of course there's Partitio's distinctive US Southern/Texan accent and speech patterns, which I've glad to see I've gotten praise for as it can be a pain to manage, but there's Osvald to consider too. Osvald's dialogue is generally terse and economical, though his internal monologues get to be rambling which I had the opportunity to switch over to for later dialogue scenes. I'm proud of how I've been able to find what I feel is a good balance toward how different they sound, and even occasionally pull some humor out of it - which the game itself does on occasion, because these two have a bunch of mildly flirty banter in canon.

17. Do you write your story from start to finish, or do you write the scenes out of order?

Mostly in order, though I'll frequently go back and make small revisions if I think of a better way to phrase things or if I need to change something to have it line up with later writing.

A good example is in what is currently the latest chapter; it wasn't originally going to have a sex scene, or at least not the specific one that it does, but then I saw a great opportunity for a comedic bit two chapters down the line and just had to write in a scene with pec worship.

It makes sense in context if you're familiar with Octopath Traveler II and a particular fandom joke involving Osvald.

[atypical-artisan]

To celebrate the last day of aro week, let's take a look at all the punch out fellas I hc being on the aroace spectrum!!!

Mr Dream:

Orientation- Aroace, romance/sex positive

Dear old dream grew up thinking it was normal to pick and choose who to love. The thought for many years that to feel romantic feelings was a job or a costume, something to wear for a little while and take off at the end of the day.

It wasn't until his late 20s, when he talked to an online forum about it, did he learn the terms 'Aromantic' and "Asexual'. Even after that it took him a bit of time to process how he truly felt about romance and sex, how he wanted to interact with them going forward, and how he'd orient his life knowing that simply never pursuing a relationship like that was an option now.

In the end, he decided that he liked them both enough to continue. He liked doing things to make a person he cared about and trusted happy and if that meant sometimes doing romantic and sexual stuff, so be it.

Gabby Jay:

Orientation- Greyromantic/sexual

Gabby had never been interested people, sexually or romantically. For much of his youth, this distressed him. It left him with the idea that he was broken and needed to be fixed, yet he never could force himself into those types of things. Once disowned, he dropped the shame, reveling in the family he made for himself and his friendships.

It wasn't until he was 52 that he began to experience a new feeling around Doc Louis. It took him months to figure out, but he realized he was feeling whatever semblance of romantic feelings (At least in his mind) he even had.

Unsurprisingly, this shook his worldview. After so many years of being 'unable' to feel love he now suddenly liked someone. It made him think about whether or not this life before then had been wasted. After a while of contemplation, he admits his confused feelings to Doc, who helps him work out that he's not only a-spec, but even his exception with Doc isn't unusual.

A bit after that, him and Doc start a slow, steady relationship that leave them both very happy :)

Narcis Prince:

Orientation- Unsure, but close to Demi-Greyromantic and gay

Narcis never really prioritized romance in his life. Even as he read countless romance novels and had the idea pushed on to him endlessly, he never saw the point of holding it so high, especially when compared to his platonic relationships.

Narcis always preferred his friends above dates and potential partners, to the point of never even considering someone as a potential partner unless they'd been a friend first. However, he's still had a fair amount of famous crushes and general aesthetic attraction to people alongside genuine romantic feelings, which has made finding his place on the aro/ace spectrum tough.

Even his romantic relationships and feelings have left him confused. Often because his feelings are hardly different and often based on the platonic feelings he has about a person. While in a romantic relationship with someone, he treats them mostly as a friend with a handful of special perks (Like casual makeout sessions).

Von Kaiser:

Orientation- Aroace/aroflux demisexual, sex and romance neutral

Kaiser grew up not caring about sex or romance at all. He never had any shame about being aroace, though you won't hear him call himself that as he isn't too in touch with queer stuff.

Throughout his adulthood though, he's noticed the occasional aesthetic attraction turn into genuine, but often short lived crushes on people. So far there have only been two times in his life where he actively was interested in pursuing romance with someone.

The first of these is with glass joe- he was never sure why but he always liked him in a way different from the others, though as their years together went on he never expressed these feelings and eventually realized that their relationship wasn't meant to be.

The second was great tiger. After almost a decade of friendship and years living together, the two realized that their feelings had evolved into something other than the platonic ones they began with. It didn't take long for them to agree that whatever this thing between them was would most certainly stay and that they wanted to be like this for the rest of their lives. They firmly call their relationship queerplatonic and are very happy it isn't a 'traditional' romance whatsoever.

King Hippo:

Orientation- Aroace, sex and romance repulsed

Hippo always knew he was aroace and never questioned it or had any type of urges. He never thought to even think of himself as different until he came to the us, where he picked up on and subsequently became uncomfortable with the constant bombardment of romance all around him.

It was through through searching that he found an aroace community to bond with while in the US and to help him deal with the intense culture shock. He's absolutely overjoyed to be a part of aroace communities wherever he can find them and hopefully give more people the chance to join them too.

Great Tiger:

Orientation- Demiromantic/sexual and gay, sex and romance neutral

Tiger grew up very aware that he was demi and very unsure of how to feel about it for most of his life. Through trial and error he found that he very, very rarely was ever attracted to people after getting close to them, and even then only to men.

He didn't expect much to happen when he entered the wvba and he certainly didn't expect to become so close to Kaiser of all people. But in the end, he's very happy with where they're at.

They don't really do the traditional romantic stuff like kissing or holding hands and going on dates but their affection for each other is beyond what either would call friendship. Still though, they plan to get married for the benefits and so Tiger can have custody of their kids as well.

Super Macho Man:

Orientation- Apothiromantic pansexual

Macho spent much of his teenage years trying to fall in love and failed miserably. Every date felt wrong, every romance movie and book was completely alien to him, as unrealistic as dragons and unicorns. Still, he knew that he HAD to date... because what other choice did he have? Besides, he certainly felt sexual feelings so romance must be somewhere in there, right?

It took him until he was 25 to accept that romance not only wasn't for him, but that it actively disgusted him too. And it took him another year to stop feeling like a heartless freak for only being interested in sex. Even now he still feels weird and guilty about not wanting love, not that he'd admit it to anyone though.

Despite this, he has a fairly healthy polycule of fuckbuddies- people who he trusts to not catch feelings for him. And in a way, it makes him feel better whenever he calls one of them up.

[hyetiny]

ateez react to when they're sexting with their s/o but got caught by another member

c // fem!reader but some can be reader as gn!, sexting, getting caught, sub + dom!teez, nudes, videos, sex toys, degradation, some mxm, implied open relationship, fellas is it gay to help your homies get railed

seonghwa always loved sending you audio messages when the two of you would sext - it'd rile you up to just hear his voice telling you what to do, without being able to see him yet.

"yeah, does that feel good? are you being a good girl and touching yourself for me? i'm sure nothing fills you up like my cock..."

"hwa, who are you talking to- OH MY GOD". hongjoong can't scramble out any faster when he sees seonghwa speaking into his mic, cock in hand.

and if that isn't a total boner killer, seonghwa doesn't know what is.

hongjoong felt far too horny to get off on his own, and he'd feel bad asking you to come over this late in the cold weather just to fuck. so he settled on the next best option - texting you and showing you instead.

he takes a photo of his lowly ridden sweatpants, his bulge evident and a hand cupping over it. "i miss you :(" the caption reads.

he's delighted to find that you reply back straight away - "what the fuck." the reply reads. he's puzzled at your reaction, and his heart drops when he realizes why.

it wasn't your contact name, but the one and only "park seonghwa". another reply quickly follows.

"i'm going to pretend i never saw that."

yunho hardly ever sexts - he'd much rather just experience it all in person. but there are circumstances where he has no other choice, like when he's on tour.

so the first time he does it, he's very nervous to say the least. thankfully, san happens to walk into their shared room before yunho can do anything.

"what's up?" san makes his way down to yunho's bed, noticing his distress.

"okay, this is gonna sound really weird but how do i... um..." he flushes red quickly.

"what is it?"

"how do i... you know, sext?" san can't help but chuckle at his innocence.

"listen carefully. you wanna show them how hot you are. don't be shy to play around. you know, send videos, audios and stuff." yunho raises an eyebrow.

"okay fine, i'll show you." san rolls his eyes and grabs his phone, making him panic.

"i want you so bad baby, please fill me up. i can't cum without you." he whines needily into his phone, making yunho gasp at the complete 180 he does.

"san... you just sent that to wooyoung."

"i know." he winks and walks off, leaving yunho even more confused than before.

yeosang prides himself on his ability not to get caught jerking off in a dorm full of seven other guys. all the other guys had stories about getting caught by the other members, except for him.

he rushes into the bathroom, locking the door behind him when he sees you've sent him a teasing snap of your hand down your pants.

deciding to return the favour he takes his shirt off, pointing the camera towards the mirror and making his bulge evident.

suddenly, someone opens the bathroom door, making yeosang drop his phone into the sink.

"what are you doing, and why didn't you lock the door?" wooyoung raises an eyebrow, taking note of the bulge in yeosang's briefs.

he could've sworn he locked the door. but now it looked like he broke his long running streak of not getting caught.

san often gets creative when sending you dirty videos for you to watch while he's away.

on this particular evening, he's set up a dildo on the floor and a fleshlight. he takes his time stretching himself out before pressing record and sitting himself down on the dildo, letting out a seductive whine when he fucks into the fleshlight at the same time.

"wish it was you, fuck." he moans out, bucking into the toy more sloppily as he gets closer to his release.

just as he's about to cum, yunho walks in and freezes in place. he notices he's recording, and gestures for him to keep going. "pretend i'm not here." he mouths.

san feels way too needy for his release to stop. so he finally cums into the toy with a high pitched moan before ending the video.

"that was hot, y/n's gonna love it." yunho says teasingly.

"shut up!"

mingi is in the company car, on his way to a schedule with the rest of the boys when he receives a photo message from you, of you lifting your shirt up and revealing your chest, captioned "i want you so bad."

he panics, sneakily hiding his phone from jongho who sits next to him while figuring out how to reply.

"babe i'm in the car :((" he settles on.

"i'll tease you more then." you swiftly reply back, followed by more teasing photos that have him willing away his erection.

"hyung, just jerk off in the bathroom when we get there. i can feel how warm you're getting from here." jongho rolls his eyes, leaving mingi flushed.

wooyoung was in the middle of jerking off when he had the brilliant idea of texting you to help him out. he knows it'd only make his release even better.

soon enough, the conversation turns filthy when he sends you a photo of his aching cock, and you describe to him in graphic detail just how you would suck him off.

he's on the verge of cumming when someone walks in on him whining and moaning.

yeosang pieces two and two together when he sees the open text conversation with you on wooyoung's phone.

"you know, i think y/n would enjoy watching me make you cum." he smirks.

excited is an understatement when describing how jongho feels when you send him a photo of your parted legs, revealing your arousal.

he's so excited that he fails to notice just who he's replying to.

"my filthy slut. you just want me to ruin you, don't you? i'm going to make sure you can barely think of anything but me."

he's surprised when he receives about five text notifications at once.

"you guys really need to check who you're texting..." - seonghwa

"you're right, i won't be able to think of anything but you after witnessing this ://" - yeosang

"who knew our maknae was so freaky?" - wooyoung

he most definitely didn't mean to text their group chat.

[unimportant-ramblings]

Star Wars for the blorbo asks! (Optional hard mode: Only classic EU characters!)

I'm doing both because I love attention

Star Wars, for the normals (normaler) (most of these could be- they could be just the one guy)

Blorbo (favorite character, character I think about the most): there's this fella, his name is ben, but not that one friend. But for basic pics I also love Leia, Padme, Ahsoka and Din Djarin who's just a very good boy

scrunkly (my “baby”, character that gives me cuteness aggression, character that is So Shaped): I mean, baby yoda, or "action snacking grogu" as hasbro would like for me to refer to him as, well, he is baby after all

scrimblo bimblo (underrated/underappreciated fave): Ventress! also Hera! Qira! the list goes on

glup shitto (obscure fave, character that can appear in the background for 0.2 seconds and I won’t shut up about it for a week) do you remember when Rukh showed up in rebels? I remember when he showed up in rebels. also mon mothma, breha organa, rose tico in anything after TLJ....

poor little meow meow (“problematic”/unpopular/controversial/otherwise pathetic fave): this one is also kylo ren. are you sad you ever became friends with me.

horse plinko (character I would torment for fun, for whatever reason) : those fucking droids in the endlessly long droid arc of season 5 of clone wars, waste my time 2012

eeby deeby (character I would send to superhell) Palpatine but in a more meta sense chris terrio who I would bite with my real human teeth if possible <3

HARD MODE

blorbo : I'm 1) basic and 2) a woman so Its Mara everyday of the week. Also Thrawn, because I have eyes

scrunkly : the twins + anakin. Really dig me some sequel series offspring. I preferred reading EU that were temporally not that long after the movies so I never really knew Ben Skywalker or Allana Solo that well, but what little I read of them I liked pretty well, but it's hard to mess with the originals, as disney has discovered. honestly I maybe reading this question far too literally but come on, it's me

scrimblo bimblo: I think as dope and rad as thrawn is, Pellaeon does not get the credit he deserves. he's a good watson!

glup shitto : I don't know if people remember Winter? Winter Celchu, Leia's friend who basically raised her kids for their protection and MAYBE had sex with Admiral Ackbar? but kin

poor little meow meow tbh there are not enough meow meows in legends, I'm going to say the dathomir witches who in canon imo are mostly creepy while in legends they were FREAKS :)

horse plinko Post dark side jacen solo for killing my girl and my innocence, in addition to the fact that I he's the walmart to bens gucci beloveds

eeby deeby: the Yuuzhan Vong! waste my time 2006. also whoever said "we can have no gay people in star wars and mara jade should be fridged." super hell for homophobic crimes

[weedle-testaburger]

since i’m officially done with work for christmas, i felt like celebrating by rewatching stoke me a clipper and doing one of my occasional ‘rambling in bullet points about an episode of a show i love’ posts:

i’m never getting over the nazi officer with a fucking pet crocodile

and for that matter ace fucking sky surfing on it

how do you take off someone’s parachute in mid air and put it on yourself anyway? idk but ace is a king so good for him

‘there’ll be time for explanations later... and hopefully, some sex’ presumably not in that order knowing ace

‘was für ein guy’

lister of smeg is the only knight i truly respect

i’ve said this before but i can’t decide if lister is way ahead or way behind the curve in wanting to fuck video game characters. in any case good for him

i love how the king like displays his best knight’s helmet after he got decapitated

‘has anybody got any whipped cream?’

‘the red, green and blue alerts are flashing, what does that mean!’ ‘well either it means we’re under attack, sir, or we’re having a disco’

rimmer’s ‘morning!’ while putting out the fires in the cockpit and ace’s ‘well i said i’d be back for breakfast, how are those kippers doing fellas?’ always kill me

i love how sweet ace is with the cat and fashion tips

rimmer’s destiny is canonically to look like a reject from a gay pride disco, good for him

‘you can’t judge a book by its cover’ ‘and you can’t confuse rimmer with a book. for a start, a book’s got a spine!’

the fact lister comes around to rimmer needing to be the next ace and ultimately helps rimmer go through with it is almost as good as rimmer accepting he can and has to try to be ace

‘this is where you must come to become ace rimmer’ ‘no, this is where you must come to become maria von trapp’

rimmer’s spirit animal is a hamster

apparently ace’s wig is a wig in canon too

if i was the knight i’d be prepared to talk things through with rimmer over battenburg, not sure about the rest of the options though

dw kryten, you’re not the big eared ugly one

lister’s gaffer tape tie and rachel’s widow’s outfit are excellent

‘goodbye mr smeeee-heeee’

the fact they posthumously promoted rimmer to first officer and did his salute though

people dunk on the cgi effects in vii a lot but the graveyard of ace holograms round the planet is genuinely really cool imo

yeah basically if you ask me it’s easily the best episode after the original six series by a long way, and i even like it better than some from those

[emy-loves-you]

Wrong Numbers and Useless Gays Chapter 21

Picnics and Confessions

Chapter 20 | Masterlist

There’s a brief mention of sex, but other than that there shouldn’t be anything else. I hope you enjoy this final chapter of the original series, and I’ll be back soon with the sequel!

“She smiled and she said

on days like this

it seems like it never rains” Remus sang, getting out of the car. He skipped around to the passenger seat, opening the door and holding his arm out.

“But without the rain, we’d starve.” Janus duetted, grabbing Remus’ arm as he got out. They walked up the driveway, softly singing one of Remus’ favorite songs. Before Janus could even knock, the front door swung open to reveal Virgil. He was a wreck; there were dark circles under his eyes, and his hair looked like a rat’s nest. His eyes were wide and panicked as he led them inside.

“You’re late!” Virgil hissed out, slamming the door shut behind them. The house was a mess. The kitchen sink was overflowing with dirty pots and pans that they knew weren’t there yesterday. The coffee maker was on (a rare sight these days) and there were several towels lying about, presumably cleaning coffee spills if the dark brown liquid was any indication. There was a large picnic basket in the living room, along with a large pile of makeup products.

“Your date doesn’t start until 3, right?” Remus asked, raising an eyebrow at the messes. It was very un-Virgil-like to be messy. While Remus was used to cleaning up from a young age (*cough* shitty parenting *cough*), it was Virgil who actually wanted a clean house (sure, Janus did too, but he had no cooking or cleaning experience before he met Virgil). Virgil must be really stressed out if he didn’t subconsciously clean up after himself.

“Yeah, but I’ve got an errand to run beforehand.” Virgil replied, leading them to his room. There were clothes strewn about everywhere, but his bed was neatly made. His clock read 10:22 AM. Janus scowled at the clock. How long had Virgil been up?

“You seem to be taking this quite seriously.” Janus commented, moving some of the clothes so he could sit on the edge of the bed. “Almost as if this was-”

Remus gasped, bouncing on the tips of his toes. “A DATE! Is this a date?”

Virgil sighed, grabbing a fistful of his own hair. “I don’t know! Maybe?” He started pacing around the room. “What if they don’t see this as a date and I show up in something too formal? What if they DO see this as a date and I show up in something too casual? God, what if this is a date and I blow it? What if they see me and get angry that I lied to them and they hate me and-”

“Virgil, breathe.” Janus said, gesturing over to Remus. Remus walked over to Virgil and grabbed him by the shoulders, which forced him to stop pacing. Virgil stood there for a second, his eyes wide and unfocused. “Breathe in for four, hold for seven, out for eight. You’re doing so well, Virgil.” Janus instructed, praising Virgil when he started following the breathing exercise. It took several minutes for Virgil to calm down.

“Thanks, guys.” Virgil finally said, flopping down on the bed next to Janus. “I’m gonna screw this up.”

“No, you won’t.” Janus said, carding his fingers through Virgil’s hair. He immediately leaned into the touch. Remus bounced his way over to the closet.

“And even if you do, they won’t judge you for it.” Remus said cheerfully, sorting through Virgil’s clothes. “Roro’s dating Craft and Morales, right?”

“Logan Croft and Patton Morale.” Virgil corrected him, still relaxed in Janus’ hold.

“Whatever,” Remus replied, still sifting through Virgil’s clothes. “I may have left before the three of them got together, but I remember them being friends. Other than Ro and Lo’s ‘spats’ I’ve never seen the three of them be mean on purpose.”

“What about your fight with Ro outside the bathroom? And his argument with me when I met him?” Virgil asked, closing his eyes.

“I started that argument with Ro. And he thought that you groped him, so he’s not really at fault.” Remus sighed. “Look, I’m not gonna promise you that nothin’ll go wrong. But, I know those three, from both my high school years and your interactions with them. Worst case scenario, they ask you to stop flirting with ‘em and you remain friends. Best case scenario,” Remus turned around, holding the perfect outfit for Virgil. “You get yourself three hunkin’ pieces of man meat.”

Virgil blushed, getting up and grabbing the outfit. It was a black v-neck t-shirt and black skinny jeans, both skin-tight. Virgil grabbed those along with his jacket that Patton made him for Christmas, and went to the bathroom to change.

Remus turned to look at Janus. “Bet you he ends up sleeping with them tonight.”

Janus tilted his head. “How much?”

Remus grinned, holding out his hand. “If you win, I’ll never complain about that stupid rug again. If I win, the rug goes.”

Janus thought for a moment before smiling, taking Remus’ hand. “Deal.” He pulled Remus in so that he was straddling Janus, their lips meeting in a heated kiss.

“Ew, gross. You’re in my room guys.” The two gays turned to see Virgil standing in the doorway. Remus whistled. Virgil sighed, gesturing to the living room. “C’mon, I need help with my hair and makeup.”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Virgil stepped into the confectionery, smiling at the pleasant chime that the door made. It was weird; even though Virgil had bought almost every item here at least once, he’s never actually entered the store until now. He heard someone up at the counter and walked over. He was pleasantly surprised to recognize the person’s voice.

“Hello, welcome to the Chocolate Plaza, how may I- HOLY SHMOKES YOU’RE ANXIETY!” Joan yelled, obviously recognizing Virgil’s persona. Virgil smirked. Maybe telling Joan can help Virgil prepare himself for telling his crushes.

“Hey Joan, I’ve got three boxes under the name ‘Storm.’” Virgil said, leaning onto the counter. His smirk widened when Joan recognized his voice.

“Virgil? You’re Anxiety?” At Virgil’s nod, their face lit up. “I was wondering why you never wanted to pick up your chocolate! So, what’s the occasion, Mr. Rockstar?”

Virgil laughed, pulling out his wallet. “I’m finally telling my crushes that I’m Anxiety. Y’know, the people I’ve been shipping these chocolates to.”

Joan went to grab the boxes of chocolate, yelling out behind them. “So you’ve spent hundreds of dollars worth of chocolate on them and they’ve never seen your face before?”

“Not as Virgil.” He yelled back, a blush of embarrassment forming on his face.

Joan laughed. “You’ve fallen for them hard, haven’t you?” They laughed when Virgil blushed harder. “Well, I hope you don’t need these apology chocolates, but here they are anyways.” Virgil’s blush didn’t fade as he paid for the chocolates and left.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Virgil sighed as he made his way to Waverly Park. It was 2:30 now, and the park was about 15 minutes away. He’d still be early, but not as early as he wanted to be. Just as he adjusted the basket in his hands he felt something his nose. He stopped to wipe his nose when something else hit his cheek. It took Virgil a moment to figure out what it was: water.

It was raining.

Virgil groaned, but he kept walking. Hopefully, it would only sprinkle and go away soon. The weather forecast didn’t say anything about rain. Why did it have to rain now?

Unfortunately, the rain did not cease. Within minutes, the rain started to pour, and soon Virgil was soaked to the bone. He shivered as he weighed his options. It would be at least 10 minutes before Remus or Janus could pick him up, and even if he got to the park, there would be nowhere to shelter them from the rain. Virgil felt tears start to form in his eyes. He’d planned everything down to the letter, but like always it somehow managed to go horribly wrong. He looked up at the street name, ready to text it to Janus, when he recognized it. He turned around, squinting through the rain before he saw what he was looking for.

Patton, Logan, and Roman’s house. Without really thinking of the consequences, Virgil ran.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Patton sighed, hanging up his coat. He and his boyfriends had just gotten ready for their date (was it a date? He hoped it was) with Virgil when it started to rain. He grabbed his phone, ready to cancel his plans. Maybe they could go out tomorrow? Patton wasn’t sure if he could wait that long.

Knock Knock Knock

“Coming!” Patton called out, hurrying to the door. Who in their right mind would be walking around in this storm? When he opened the door he was surprised by what he saw.

“Hey, Pat.” Virgil whimpered out, tremors shaking his entire frame. His oversized jacket (the one Patton made for him!) hung off of him, dripping slightly. His hair was pressed against his forehead, and his makeup had smeared down his face. He looked like he was about to fall over- and he was still carrying that basket, the poor thing!

“Aw, sweety,” Patton murmured, taking his basket and jacket. He led Virgil to the sofa, wrapping him up in the nearest blanket (Logan’s space-themed comforter that he’d left there last night). “I’m gonna head upstairs real quickly, okay kiddo?” At Virgil’s nod, he made his way upstairs. He passed by Roman and Logan, who were changing into more comfortable clothes. “Lo, please go turn up the thermostat. And Ro, can you go grab some of your comfy clothes? Virgil’s closest to your size.” When they just paused and looked at him, he explained himself. “Virgil’s downstairs. He was probably on his way to the park. The poor fella, he’s soaked to the bone. He might have hypothermia.”

“Well, that won’t do at all!” Roman said, turning to grab some clothes. “We mustn’t let our future love freeze to death!”

“Future love IF he says yes,” Logan remarked, heading downstairs to change the thermometer. Patton smiled, heading to their room to grab spare blankets.

Logan saw Virgil downstairs and smiled. “It’s nice to see you again, though I wish it could be under…better circumstances.” Virgil nodded, and Logan noticed that he was still crying. As soon as he turned the temperature up, Logan moved to sit next to Virgil. He wrapped his arm around Virgil, happy to see that he wasn’t shivering as much.

Roman and Patton headed down soon after, carrying spare clothes and blankets. “We have arrived!” Roman called out, making Patton giggle. “And we’ve brought gifts!” Virgil started crying harder. Roman noticed and moved to kneel in front of him. Patton sat on Virgil’s other side. “What’s wrong?” Roman asked, catching himself before he called Virgil ‘storm cloud.’

Virgil struggled to talk through his tears. “T-today w-was supposed t-to be p-perfect.” He stammered out. “I w-wanted to have a p-picnic, and I’d t-tell you that I was A-Anxiety, and I’d g-give you chocolates- and-” He gasped, nearly choking on his own tears.

Roman grabbed Virgil’s hands, gently messaging them. “Breathe, Storm Cloud, it’s okay. Today is perfect. You’re here, we’ve still got the picnic and chocolates, and just seeing you makes me so happy-” Before Roman could continue, someone kissed him quiet. Roman was used to this; it was something they all tended to do when one of them rambled for too long. Something was different, however. It took a moment for Roman to figure out what it was.

Virgil was kissing him.

Before Roman could process that, Virgil suddenly pulled away. “I’m sorry.” Virgil said quickly, looking down. He moved to pull away some more. Well, that wouldn’t do at all.

Roman surged upwards, lips meeting Virgil’s. He tried to convey all of his emotions into this kiss. All of his love, insecurity, adoration, and desperation. It felt like an inferno was igniting within him. He sighed as they separated a second time, this time for air. Roman looked Virgil in the eye. “Don’t you dare feel sorry.” Roman panted out. “You mean the world to me.”

Virgil sat there, completely still. Whether it was because of the kiss or because of what Roman said, Virgil couldn’t tell. “But I lied to you for almost a year! I didn’t tell you that I was Anxiety! I don’t deserve you guys!” He felt a hand grab his jaw and he let it turn his head. He was now looking Patton dead in the eye.

Patton glared at him. “Virgil Storm, don’t you dare start talking bad about yourself!” He said sternly. His gaze softened slightly. “Besides,” He pressed a kiss to Virgil’s nose, forehead, cheeks, and finally his lips. “We already realized that you were Anxiety, Virgil.”

Virgil’s eyes widened with every kiss, and he started gaping once Patton finished talking. “Really?” He felt another hand on his cheek, and he let it guide him. He was now facing Logan, who had a very tender expression on his face.

“While Patton has known since Valentine’s Day, Roman and I discovered it the day of the concert. However, this does not change our opinion of you.” He reached to cup Virgil’s cheekbone. “Virgil, you are funny, clever, talented, and an all-around amazing individual. We are all in love with you, and would like to in a relationship with you. Will you do us the honor of joining our relationship?” Logan asked, stars in his eyes.

Virgil nodded, pressing his lips to Logans. “Yes, yes, yes” He said between kisses. He smiled, tears forming in his eyes as he kissed Logan. He could barely get his head around that. He just kissed Roman and Patton, and now he’s kissing Logan! It was a dream come true and he couldn’t stop crying.

Logan suddenly pulled back, wiping away Virgil’s tears. “Let’s get you out of those wet clothes. Then we can eat and watch a movie. Does that sound satisfactory?”

Virgil nodded, his smile never fading. “I love you guys, so much.”

Logan smiled back. “And we love you.”

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Taglist: @bisexualdisaster106 @self-taught-mess @itawalrus @arodynamic-enby @sanderssides-angst

[moist-astronaut]

things my friends and I have said over the last year

“I’m verbally illiterate” “Isn’t that called dyslexia”

“I’m going to chemistry and I’m gonna light myself on fire” “No” “Damnit let me burn like the witch I am!”

“Don’t worry it’s not anti-Christ it’s just anti-government”

“I’ve been getting migraines everyday and I’m considering chopping my head off” “But that would kill you” “Two birds one stone!!”

“I swear to god I will hug you” “My house is 5 miles away and my doors are locked” “Your locks are FEABLE”

*writing an email* “Bitch comma”

“Ok but I could be a top” *laughing* “What I totally could be!” *laughing and crying for literally 6 minutes straight*

*on a group call, friends cat misha walks into the room* “Tell misha I would live and die for her, whichever she prefers” “She says thank you” *cat noises*

*joins discord vioce chat at 11:26 pm* “You guys are gae but I love you” “Thank you saeren very cool” “Goodnight” *leaves chat at 11:28pm*

“Jake jake jake jjjake -j-jaaake hey jake” “W H A T” “Can I eat your pens” “I literally have a restraining order against you”

“I’m educatn’t”

“Me calling you to dumb to be a slytherin is payback for you leaving multiple handprint bruises on my legs” “It’s not my fault your skin is weak”

“He’s rolling so that we can walk” *rolling in the grass and collecting leaves on his jacket* “I’m rolling for your sins”

“There are 7 of us so we can each be a deadly sin” “I wanna be Ross” “You mean wrath?” “No that dude from Friends”

“Ok but other than his strict attraction to women, his multiple wives, his hatred of gay people, and the fact that he is dead, what is standing between me and Joseph Smith the All American Hottie from being happy together”

“Consider: Mullet” “No”

“I do my homework while loudly eating a pop tart asmr”

“No no listen, he’s my brother, he’s a bastard of my dynasty…I might just ransom him off”

“These Norwegian bastards indroduced a fucking PLUAGE to my COUNTRY”

“Ooooo meth”

“Half of my life is me resisting the urge to sing the zaboomafoo themesong, the other half is me actually singing the zaboomafoo themesong. So either way my entire life revolves around zaboomafoo.”

“I just don’t think I would hire a gay man-wait no I’m not homophobic”

*chucks half a gallon of milk in a gas station* “-ah- got milk?”

“Gimme your sternum boy”

“Nooooooo he stole my sternum!!!” (Side note these were two separate occasions)

*being force fed milk duds* “No!! This is the worst way to die!!”

“Hey babe come over I have a hammock and a heated blanket”

“Be afraid, be prepared- IN THE WORDS OF SCAR”

“Stress eating stress gummies Stress eating stress gummies Stress eating stress gummies stress eating-”

“I thought to myself ‘Y’know if I die today this is how I want to be remembered- a leather skirt and leg warmers’”

“I think I’m telling you to go to sleep” “You’re gonna have make me” “I can’t tell if this is cry for help or flirting” “Yes”

“This is at best cannibalism and at worst being straight”

“Oh look Percy Jackson’s here now, ooh they replaced every character’s face with Mr. Bean. I hate it”

“You can’t be mean to me! I’m gay AND a woman! That’s a hate crime!” “Yeah well I’m brown and Muslim! Square the fuck up bitch!”

“Babe it’s not very metal to be afraid of your hair dresser” “It’s not very metal to have a hair dresser and yet here we are” “It’s fine you’re into glam metal”

“Hey augie, got any grrrrrrapes?” “I’m doing IXL :(“

“Can I come?” “No” “What if I bring watermelon?” “You can come, leave the watermelon, then leave” “:(“

“What in the jersey shore”

“Rad’nt”

“Ok but consider: Mullet-hawk” “I can and will divorce you”

“Dee-vorce 👏 Just to 👏 re-vorce 👏 👏 “

“Ah yes, that’s why I’m fat…for combat reasons…”

“You fool I consent!”

“My Boston fern is being a bitch but that’s because it’s winter and that’s BITCH season”

“You walk through the rest of the house and it’s like ‘ooo witchy and aesthetic’ then they’ll get to the guest room and it’ll just be a tacky twink Fever dream”

“Who needs a scalp”

“HeHe, sexing”

“Council has decided, your vibes are rancid (and not the band)”

“You’re never to young to hate women”

“Look at me I did the dishes I’m a 1950s housewife with a strangely new jersey accent and affinity for lesbianism”

“Well look who has the table now”

"contrary to popular belief, fuck you"

"There's nothing here that requires whisking, i'm just problematic"

"If you could go anywhere in the world with two people, who would you choose?" “New Orleans!”

"So he proceeded to bite me on the butt...like, really, really hard."

“I don’t cheat, I win. It’s not cheating if it’s consensual.”

“My mouth, my choice”

“Do you like my ombré of a tan"

“Who’s the cutest in the chat right now then?” “It’s Paige!” “No, it’s obviously Augie.” (paige's boyfriend)-said by a straight man

“Francis is just a one and done.”

“Would you ever have a threesome?” “...yes...” *To Francis* “Sure!”

“How do you feel about anal sex?”

“Of the people in this room, who would you most want to make out with?” “Augie” “The answer is yes, but only if it’s 6 feet apart.”

“Square, flat, and overcooked.”

“The virus would be over if everyone would breathe underwater for 5 minutes.”

“I have daddy issues, but not with my father.”

“You’re a ladies man but you have two boyfriends.”

“That means lesbian in sign language” “No, that means fuck boy in American”

“I’m like a parasite, you can’t get rid of me. I’m here forever.”

“You’re like my long term hit man”

“Is it Jake?” “No, why would the evil Russian man be Jake?” “Because he would never hire a gay man and you don’t look like a gay man”

“Jake is homophonic, Augie is racist, and Francis is a woman hater!”

"Grew a korean radish, 1 star"

"I've got more cause i'm a rich boy, and by that i mean my father sometimes buys avocados. And that's on what? Upper middle class"

"Tell your good for nothing boyfriend to stay away from my mom"

"It's not inciting violence it's just ~inspiring it~ "

"Listen bitch just because you have avacados and a roomba doesn't make you better then me"

"i would totally let narthex ruin my life. and that's on what? daddy issues and bisexuality"

"who is titty"

"how is he racist" "he hates the french and russians right?" "don't forget italians" "that's just self loathing"

"This is the last time i wear a thong- it's for educational purposes"

"babe come over i'm a burrito"

"he put bread with milk. luckily he passed away"

"you touched my wiener!" "you offered it!"

"foot'nt"

"i took a shower and realized the floor doesn't bounce"

"i love ass whoooaaaaaa i meant cassie"

"Rosalie you're the deciding vote. Be decisive." "Dude i'm bisexual and a gemini. what're you talking about?"

"Okay so to recap: jake is homophobic, augie is racist, francis is a woman hater, and now paige is a bunny abuser?"

"Just bring a watermelon keychain and it'll be fine" "Whooaaaa i'm gonna need a big key then"

"If you were blind what would you even see"

Post Traumatic Youth, plus D for danny's disorder"

"i think she's past the phase where she likes people just because they're russian"

"francine is a lesbian, but only during quarantine"

"don't be a home wrecker!" "i can't help it!"

"we are not doing coed tents" "i wanted to go purple-ing though"

"if it's not perfect i'm gonna through hands" "with who" "i don't know, the CEO of stupid"

"don't make me feel guilty for bullying you"

"it doesn't look very cash money cool but okay"

"slinky cat" (ferret)

"The pond behind my house didn't freeze all the way through this winter, so i couldn't go ice skating" "okay, so i have an idea. we can go to walmart and get-" "ANTI FREEZE!" "well, yes- wait, no. No, the more i think about that definitely no."

"The amish will win, the amish will prevail" "the amish will conquer us all!"

"He do be kinda mafia doh"

"i'm being sneaky sneak. stairs go creaky creak. and i need. DRUGZ"

"brain on shutdown, power saving mode"

"Somebody go tip her, she's dancing like a stripper" "thatd be nice- oh wait no!"

"fellas, is it gay to lick your homies eyeball?"

"it's not racist if you're only targeting one group of people" "that literally racism" "but what if they're french"

"i'm not racist yet but the option is available, and it's good to have options"

"they don't call me Mr. Steal Yo Boy for nothing!" -a straight man who has a girlfriend

"i think he has a bad habit of not dating girls"

"kinda hot tho 🥵 in a Santa Claus kinda way...hoe hoe hoe"

"i'll be your hot jacuzzi bubble dealer"

"when deceit and doubt fills you up, you cleanse your mind through creative activities, such as making organic soap"

"friendly reminder #4: you're never to old to eat a freezie-pop"

"sorry i'm just nervous" Chinese Teacher: (Waving her hand in front of her face) “Just pretend I’m cabbage.”

"me when my dads name is publicly broadcasted on the radio for his 14 felonies and assorted war crimes"

"<@!523669420435046401> I sentence you to a solid nine by the banhammer. For your crimes against Humanity, God, Satan, and Matt Frank. See you in hell."

"Danny, just because you're playing *Just Cause* doesn't mean you need to Just Cause our friendship!"

"Silly Matt! You fell for the ole’ Heimlich maneuver!”

"i got a bunch of new shirts over quarantine" "you would"

"Ok, there's a 32 year old doctor in new Jersey dying right now" "Yeah, but to be fair everyone in new jersey has a pre-existing condition"

“This is the longest period of time we’ve had without a Nintendo direct” “Maybe they’re gonna make a Nintendo indirect?”

"you’re looking extra white today.” "thanks i've been practicing"

"do you have any batteries" *looks inside shirt* "not yet"

"let's go colonize the middle school!" "yyayayyayayay!!!" " wait I gotta ask my mom first" What happened next is know called the *Juniors burden*

"oh so you're a DOWNSTAIRS milk kinda guy"

"you are literally the human embodiment of crumbs in a bed"

"The Berk-ey Creamery isn’t a place, it’s a people!”

 "He shoved a floating joy-con straight up his flux-capacitor.” "great! now it's paired"

"No, that isnt armor, the real armor are the friends you made along the way"

"This one goes out to all my lady friends out there *proceeds to kill himself in game*

"i'm a coward" "that's what a coward would say!"

"rest is for cowards and fools"

"every time you speak you take years off my life"

"Shark dick hoo ha ha"

"Me and the boys brushing our teeth at 3 AM"

"remember if you kill yourself the fascists win"

"The Beatles aren’t real. Have you ever seen a beatle? No? Exactly." "Babe” "Shut up I’m right."

*reading over these quotes* "god i hate that" "you said that!"