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bluebuckstallion · 3 years

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the sun will rise again - mlp fic p2

part one contents: aj and big mac are like. 13 and 15. big mac realizes she is a trans woman, and is guided by applejack, but there is much more to it than just that lol. its also a little hard for her. sappy, feel-good, tough internal conflict but overall happy fic. paragraph one is previewed here, the rest is below the cut! disclaimer: there is no transphobia in this fic lmao im not gonna write abt horse transphobia. this is a feel good. but cw for fear of outing (note: i am aware my blog makes posts a little hard to read bc of a glitch, i am trying to fix it at the moment, i apologize D: i rec reading it on tumblr mobile or highlighting the words as you read, im sorry!) paragraph one: The wind whispered lovingly, cooling little Big Mac and Applejack's drowsy heads. A time like this in a young pony's life can be very confusing, something the two of them had grown to be very familiar with. Applejack rested his backside against the trunk of one of his family's old apple trees, if they had no where else to take solace, at least they had the orchard and each other's company, he thought. It felt nice, having this little secret kept safe by somepony you knew would protect it, and who still cared about you just the same. "If nopony accepts us, at least we have each other. I don't care if it's just you and me, Big Mac, we'll be jus' fine." Applejack stated in a soft voice, breaking the silence. He was accepting of his circumstances, no matter how they turned out. As long as him and his sister ended up okay. And again, he was sure they would. Big Mac smiled and folded her hooves neatly, "Eeyup."

Applejack worked his fluffy hooves through Big Mac's mane, doing his absolute best to make the fine ginger hair into a braid. He wanted to do something nice for his sister, something to celebrate her bravery and courage in realizing - and telling - Applejack, and he wanted her to feel nice in her own body, even if she couldn't change much right now, or for a while. No matter how small the act, Big Mac was especially grateful. Nobody had ever treated her like this, on purpose at least, like she was a mare. And every chance Applejack could sieze he would do just that, remind her that was what, *who* she was. "So, Big Mac, what do you reckon I call you now?" With that her eyes widened, and her brows furrowed, it caught her off guard. "Like...my name? I didn't know I could change my name..." she let out, slightly confused, a tender hoof raising to her chin as she thought hard. "Yeah!" AJ beamed, not straying from his tedious work. Big Mac, still lying down, started shuffling her hooves again. "Well... I always thought if I were a girl my name would be something pretty, which I mean, I am a girl and all, but I don't feel very pretty ever," she admitted disheartened. "You're plenty pretty! You're an Apple! You wouldn't say Ma or Granny wasn't pretty, would you?" Applejack pointed out, gesturing absentmindedly in the air with his hooves, then promptly returning back to his work, being sure to keep a steady hoof. "Well... Nope." Big Mac blurted awkwardly, pursing her lips. "But-" she began. "No 'but's'!" Applejack interjected, "You're an Apple, and a dang pretty one!" Applejack closed his eyes and lifted his head proudly, putting his non-dominant hoof against his puffed chest, "Look at me, I'm an Apple and I'd say I'm awful handsome, just like Pa!" he said with an endearing foal-like passion and certainty. He chuckled, his cheeks growing slightly cherry as he let out a tiny chuckle, and got back to his work, about a quarter way down the locks. Big Mac grinned slightly, "I suppose," and tapped her hooves together shyly, playing with the grass falling between them. "You know, I always did think my mane was a little long for a stallion," she laughed playfully, diverting from the subject and trying to reassure herself. She went to touch her mane, and was swiftly batted away by Applejack's quick hoof, "Nuh-uh Big Mac, I'm workin' here. Don't go touchin' it now," he said sternly but still non-maliciously. He just wanted it to look perfect for his big sister, he wanted her to be proud, and feel as pretty as she could. Applejack wanted to know how it felt to look pretty, too, but in the way he'd always dreamed of. He wondered often if he'd ever get the blessing of such a wonderful feeling. "Applejack, do you ever wish you were born a colt?" Big mac asked genuinely, still a little unsure of what Applejack was feeling, but knowing there was solidarity in it somewhere, she just had to understand it a little more. "Well - not really," Applejack spat out, his eyes looking away from his busy hooves, and quickly darting back to them before he drifted off in fantasy. He thought about it for a second, and still felt strange. "I wasn't really born a filly or a colt... or anything, I think, I was just born me. And I wouldn't really have it any other way. Sure, I mean, maybe I'd like shorter hair or somethin', or a uh," he struggled to find the words in his young foal vocabulary, "maybe if my nose was a little more colt-ish I'd be happy. But I think I'm pretty happy with me now. I do hope when I'm older my voice is a little better, though. I can't really do much though," he sighed dismissively. He continued, "I don't ever really feel too bad about who I am... I think I just feel happy about who I am. When I see myself as not a colt and not a filly, just a foal, a pony, it makes me real happy-like. But, I don't get too sad unless people are real serious about calling me a filly. I do get sad sometimes though, when I look too much like a filly to other people..." As Applejack placed an orchard blossom in Big Mac's hair, tucked snug and safe behind her ear, a thought went through Big Mac's head. "Applejack!" she jumped up, the rush of movement startling him, who was so concentrated seconds prior. "Let's give you a haircut! It'll be like how you braided my hair for me, we can cut yours!" Applejack nervously rubbed his elbow, then raising his hoof lightly beneath his muzzle, and he began to sweat. "Well, I, what if Ma and Pa don't like it?" Big Mac thought hard as Applejack grimaced, "Well, we can hide it with one of Pa's hats, an' I'm sure they won't mind," she suggested happily. Applejack considered briefly, just for a moment, the downsides of it all. He then immediately turned them all away and smiled so hard his eyes shut, stomping his front hooves against the ground up and down, "Okay, let's do it Big Mac!" As they galloped back to the barn, Applejack had suddenly realized he was so surprised with how much Big Mac had been talking, she never seemed so excited to talk about anything, and he realized how much this all meant to her. It meant a lot to him, too. Especially that his sister was so supportive while still knowing so little, but in her defense, he didn't know much either. It was a very special feeling, he thought to himself, very pleased. They skidded to a halt clumsily as they reached the doors to the barn. Foal-ishly peeking through the front windows, they realized it was only Granny and baby Bloom home, their parents must be out. They looked at each other, grinning, and cantered to the back, sneaking inside through the back door. When they made it to the bathroom, Applejack noted Big Mac looked a little worn out, wearing a tired look on her face. She figured all this chattiness probably made her sister a little exhausted. He shot a reassuring patended Sibling glance at her telling her all she needed to know, not needing words. Big Mac let out a gentle smile. She helped her little brother reach the cabinet above the sink, reaching the scissors that were so high up it took them both working together to reach. Applejack had a slight doubt in his mind, his parents probably didn't want him touching the scissors by himself, did they? But he had his big sister with him, and it had to be done! Nopony else would, and only they understood. Applejack balanced shakily with two hooves on Big Mac's back, warily reaching one back hoof up onto the sink, as he balanced with his two front hooves against the edge of the cabinet. He grasped the scissors between his teeth, and brashly jumped down, just barely missing a potential accident, even though they both knew better than to jump around with scissors, they threw caution to the wind regardless. Applejack happily put his front hooves on the rim of the sink, tapping them and bopping his little head, he looked at his big sister, who began working at his hair. Big Mac chopped with a great lack of care, playfully snipping one strand then the next. Applejack beamed the whole time, simply happy to have it happen, plan or not. Big Mac frequently spun around him, balancing on three hooves and sometimes getting in so close that she held his face with one hoof, his hair with another, and cut with the scissors firm in her mouth. Applejack's body relaxed completely and was kicking and rearing with every cut, wiggling and happily holding his front hooves together and constantly swishing his head from side to side to check how it looked, one side fell to his muzzle, and the other to his chin. He smiled bigger than ever before. With the final snip, Big Mac dropped the scissors carelessly to the tile below. She gently grasped Applejack's chin and turned her sibling's head forward to face the mirror, and his mouth immediately fell agape, his jaw slack, and his eyes slowly widening with the purest joy there ever was. He cupped his hooves to his mouth, removing them, turning his head to the side, and then fixing himself and putting his hooves to his open mouth once again. He felt a soft tug in his throat and his chest, and he couldn't control the watering in his eyes, "Big Mac!!" his voice cracked. "Yes Applejack?" the filly said apprehensively, fearing that she had done something wrong. "Oh Big Mac, oh my gosh I love it so so much!!" He bucked and whinnied, spinning in circles, his once-flowing tail too short to trip over now, and the euphoria of it all was the most overwhelming emotion little Applejack had ever felt. The tugging became so immense he couldn't ignore it, and he acknowledged it by leaping onto Big Mac with a hearty hug, squeezing her tight as his little arms could, and he rubbed his muzzle into her neck. Big Mac politely pushed her hoof between her neck and AJ's hoof, making sure he didn't squeeze too tight, struggling slightly to breathe. This foal was definitely a strong one. "Thank you so much big sis!!! I feel so great!!" he neighed, stepping back, one hoof raised wiping his immense wave of tears. The feeling of euphoria shot through his body in a rush, showing itself in the form of a tiny but powerful hop, as he lifted his legs into the air and threw them around. Applejack rushed back to the mirror, urging Big Mac to come look as well, as she didn't quite see herself yet with her hair "done all proper-like." Big Mac's face became pale, as she felt the rush of a thousand different emotions. The paranoia became astounding again, what if she didn't like how she looked as a filly? What if she still didn't feel right? What if it wasn't - Her thoughts were abruptly cut short by Applejack tugging her over, knowing her sister just sometimes needed a push in the right direction. "Lookie Big Mac!!" he placed his arm cheerfully around her, wrapping it over her back. Big Mac's eyes were glued shut, and she only bashfully peeked one eye open because curiosity would've ate her alive otherwise, and deep down she knew she had to see herself eventually. She uncovered her hoof from her eye, and opened both of them slowly. Her mouth opened ever so slightly, and she wasn't even aware she had stopped breathing, her eyes fluttered up and down the braided locks, along with her heart, and her eyes landed on the blossom in her ear. She couldn't speak, her throat clogged up from such elation. She felt the choking once again, but it wasn't like before, this feeling was quite welcoming actually. It rushed from her throat up to her head, and took her breath away. The sobbing ebbed at her cheeks right away, and she turned to look at her brother. As they spoke with lack of words, they stared with inordinate graditude. As Big Mac smoothly turned back to the mirror, Applejack stomped all his hooves again, one after the other with no apparent order or care, shaking his head in a frenzy as his ears twitched and he smiled a mile wide. He finally felt *pretty.* Big Mac watched herself adoringly, for the first time ever, and felt this acceptance and understanding of herself coursing through her veins with a confidence she'd never had. She blushed, and her ears fell downward, a small smile creeping onto her face. "Applejack," she whispered softly, as if she were too worried the world would hear her secrets. Applejack peered closer with wide, curious eyes, "Yeah Big Mac?" he whispered back. "My name.." she mumbled. Applejack raised his eyebrows, captivated, as Big Mac slowly lifted her hoof to the blossom behind her ear. "Blossom?" Applejack stated inquisitively, before Big Mac could shake her head AJ corrected himself, "Orchard Blossom!" he exlaimed, leaning back and jumping in the air, "Oh big sis, that's so pretty!! I love it so much!!" Orchard Blossom nervously gestured for him to keep it down, as he was prone to being unaware of his volume control. Applejack embarassedly covered his mouth with a shy smile, "Oops, sorry big sis." he cleared his throat, "Orchard Blossom!!" he yell-whispered, the excitement shining through him, he stamped his tiny hooves and clapped them together in celebration. "That's so pretty, Orchard Blossom!" Applejack told her earnestly, loving the new name. "I don't think I want a new name, but I'm really happy ya found one you like!" "Orchard Blossom, Orchard Blossom, Orchard Blossom!" Applejack repeated, playfully prancing in circles, excited by the sight of his short tail, he spun even faster. "What's all that commotion in there? Applejack? Big Mac? Are ya in there?" they heard through the shut door, hoofsteps gradually approaching, painstakingly slow but steady. Both of them felt their hearts drop from their chest as they froze, unable to even fathom moving. How would they explain any of this? Applejack hurried to clean up desperately, brushing the hair together with his hooves, coldly sweating from his brow as he frantically hurried to remove any evidence. He stopped mid-sweep to quickly shove his father's hat on his head, which slumped immediately and blocked his vision. "Oh dangit Blossom, Pa's hat's too big! I can't see!!" Orchard Blossom was still unmoving, sheer panic stopping her very breaths. Applejack felt the tugging in his throat rise up again as he began whimpering.

#applejack mlp #big mac mlp #mlp fanfic #mlp fic #mlp writing #mlp au #mlp #applejack #big mac #trans applejack #trans big mac #my little pony #lesbian applejack #lesbian big mac #orchard blossom #trans au #the sun will rise again

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perhapsthanatos · 3 years

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10:32 pm with yuta ♡

nct’s yuta x fem!reader (got inspired by a dream of mine & found the idea really cute)

alternate title: be the james dean to my audrey hepburn

genre: fluff. a pinch of angst. non idol au. badboy!yuta au.

word count: 1400~

playlist: chinatown by wild nothing, lover’s rock by tv girl & work this time by king gizzard and the lizard wizard.

warnings: featuring johnny (not a warning though). smoking cigarettes. cursing. lowercase intended. not proofread.

a/n: hi i was supposed to post a vampire!haechan fic but i really wasnt happy w it in general :( the plot or overall idea of the fic was really good, but i just felt as if i didnt do it justice so here we are :( but ngl, i kind of like this concept more? maybe bc i can see it more vividly? idk, i feel like my writings r getting repetitive & its getting on my nerves lmaoo this is getting long im sorry do u guys even read this part anyway? i would also like to apologize abt the amount of projecting im doing lmao ive been having some rough days & i love my sister but hate being compared to her so often so this is a way for me to rant abt it ig? also so sorry its coming out a little later bc i woke up late today (& procrastinated for the rest of it so here i am posting really late at night) & decided to go to the convenience store to get ice cream (& a ton of other bad shit pls dont do this its rlly unhealthy) for breakfast bc i can :) any who, enjoy lovelies <3

“oh my, y/n! you’ve grown up so well! just like your sister!”

“oh! i’m sorry i’ve almost mistaken you for your sister! y/n is your name, correct?”

“y/n, darling, you are looking so dashing! you really do resemble your sister, don’t you?”

“ah, you must be y/n! i’ve heard all about you and your sister from your father!”

you swear that your reddening cheeks are threatening to fall off any moment now from all the fake smiling. the hundreds of superficial compliments, the insincere flattery and the need for these people to constantly compare you to your godforsaken sister makes you feel even weaker than you are. it gets harder and harder to keep up with a big persona that isn’t at all you. as lucky as you are to live such a lavish lifestyle, you can’t help but hate how your family has to be so perfect. you hate how you have never fit in with them, even if you are so good at faking it. you hate how you have always been stuck in your sister’s shadow, constantly haunted with the reminder that you yourself aren’t good enough. you hate how you now have to entertain the rich and brainless guests at your parent’s gala because she’s gone for some stupid prodigy competition and everyone is only talking about her in front of your face. so what if she’s better the better sister? you still have the right to earn respect, right?

you’re exhausted from all the small talk. your facade gets more brittle by the second under all the pressure. your body feels as if it's gonna give out due to your brain shutting down after all that interacting. you try to keep on going with the night as it unravels itself by being the perfectly poised poster child, trying to make your parents proud. but alive yet almost completely devoid, you decide enough was enough. what if you left right now? no one would notice, would they?

after pulling up your phone discreetly to send a few text messages, you pass through lots of people dressed in gold and finery in a way that wouldn’t have you noticed right away. keep your head down and don’t you dare make eye contact with anyone. nearing the end of the room, grabbing the first glass of whatever alcohol you see and downing it in one gulp, you start walking away as quickly as possible from the ballroom. “ignorant privileged fucks,” you angrily whisper to no one in particular, setting the now empty glass on whatever surface and begin to head to the main exit where no one could spot you running away.

“and what do you think you’re doing here, miss?”

a voice interrupts you, looking up you see that it is your father’s head butler; johnny. he is dressed in a simple black suit that makes him appear taller than he is. his long brown hair is slicked back and his bowtie seems brand new. you have known the man since he started working in your household less than ten years back. you were a reckless child, often trying to find ways to sneak out, finding a way to escape from this life and he sympathized with you. after all, he could barely imagine living your life, never catching a break for yourself and always pretending to be someone you weren’t. he often helped planning when you would sneak out into the night, scheduling things like what time you should leave and what time you should be back, more specifically a time when no one would notice. he would take care of your form of transportation and have your location on at all times, just to be extra safe. as much as he wants you to have fun and have a bit of freedom, he still worries that something might happen to you. because of all this, you two have grown to have a very strong bond. you could confidently say that he is most definitely a parental figure in your life since your parents (and even your sister) are often overseas for work.

“what do you think i’m doing? you think i wanna be in a room with those half-baked bipeds? fuck no!”

“i know, i was just joking. you looked like you were about to explode in there, i wish i could help.” he laughs, pulling out his phone preparing what you might need. “so what will it be for today? the driver? we just need to pay him to keep his mouth shut. a taxi? it’s cheaper than paying the driver, but you still need to pay… not like that’s a problem for you though. maybe an uber would be good enough—“

“actually, i got myself covered. thanks.”

his jaw slightly drops and his eyebrows furrow. he looks straight at you in shock. “what do you mean you got yourself covered?”

you look down at your feet, a nervous habit. “i got myself a ride, you don’t need to help me. i’ll be back as soon as dawn comes.”

he raises his eyebrow. “who’s your ride?”

“doesn’t matter,” you glance down at your phone seeing a notification and wave a goodbye, leaving rather suddenly. “i gotta go, i’ll text you when you need to open the gates!”

“y/n! wait! who’s your ride— and she’s gone.” johnny sighs, watching as you run towards the front gates, tossing your stiletto heels away on the grass while you’re at it. he heads back inside, silently hoping you’ll be fine.

knocking the window of the old black mustang parked outside behind the big bushes, the driver rolls down his window and sends the most charming smile.

yuta in his black beanie, long blonde hair, worn out doc martens, signature leather jacket and black skinny jeans. it almost makes you laugh on how he wears the same thing almost everyday but still manages to look so good.

he is most notable for having a big bad boy reputation and you knew that he was the breath of fresh air you needed in your life. a person who can understand having the pressure of having to be or to fulfill your persona. a person you can completely be yourself around. a person who is full of warmth no matter how cold he may seem on the outside.

“get in, princess.”

and that was all you needed. you tiredly walked to the other door and sat yourself in the car. rolling his window back up, he looks at you. you are wearing a simple yet stunning black dress along with silver jewelry adorned on your neck and wrists. your makeup is perfectly done but still struggles to hide the fog in your eyes. he has the sudden urge to clear them away. he softens at the sight of you. no one is perfect, but he finds you being perfect enough without ever having to dress up.

“where to?” he asks as gently as he could. he knows that you are most vulnerable during these moments and that it is hard to finally break down your walls after a day full of stress, so he doesn’t pry immediately. all he wants to do is to keep you here, safe and away from your burdens and for you to stay comfortable with him, even if it couldn't be for long. but is that too selfish of him to ask? he hates how you hate your life and it is taking every bone in his body to not run away with you. but who is he to tell you what to do or what to change anyway? all he can do for now is try to find a way to make you genuinely smile.

“take me anywhere,” you whisper to the latter. “i just want to be as far from myself and my life as possible. miles away or the nearest convenience store, just take the long way home before dawn.”

you look down at the cup holders, spotting an open cigarette box. you tug one out of the nineteen and light it with the lighter you kept in your pocket. you lean back and close your eyes. he only admires as you bring the cigarette to your lips, exhaling a cloud of smoke afterwards. letting the radio play quietly, he starts the car and begins to drive away from the mansion. he can’t help but wonder how you (an elegant daughter) and him (a bad boy) are millions of worlds apart, but more similar than you think.

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aegissi · 5 years

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my bts concert experience in bullet points

this is gonna be long!!!

namjoon looked so good. litcherally. i was ready to risk it all for him. seeing him on screen during the first song (it was dionysus) felt like getting hit by a train.

speaking of dionysus,,, everyone looked really hot so i was very flustered sgjfvdgb (especially namjoon. especially him.)

hobi was sooo cute during wings like he did a liddle flying move it was adorable

just dance was such a fun stage!!!! hobi is so charismatic and he sounded amazing too (he kinda sounded very nasal at the beginning but it stopped after a few moments) the part with the water cannons was awesome btw

jungkook was so smiley!!!!! he was adorable during euphoria and he looked so happy :((( not to mention that he also sounded so clear so stable and so good (and during the last chorus he was like “sing it!!!!” and when he got back on the stage he did a cute walk as if he was on a school trip ssgjfbhkdn)

taehyung had no business looking that good during best of me. thats all i can remember from this song.

jimin sounded kinda weird at the beginning of serendipity (my friend thought that there was something wrong with the mic) like his voice was way too high?? but it was fine for the rest of the song so idk that was random ghhdgfhdb the dancing was perfect btw he was both delicate and powerful (and during the whole concert he was the one i noticed the most bc he had sm energy and he executed every move flawlessly) the whole stage was so pretty with the bubbles and all

trivia love was so good!!!! namjoon is an amazing performer and i loved all the hearts they put on the screens too that was really cute (it was written “je t’aime paris” at the end of the song,, that was a nice little touch)

they looked like they had sm fun during boy with luv (and at the end jk changed his love sign to a finger heart but he couldnt find the right camera it was cute)

taehyung said some words in french (i could only hear fantastique bc of all the screaming) and then he asked how his french was (we all yelled that it was good ofc) and then i think that jin said “you’re killing it” but im not sure shvfjgbk jungkook started singing champs élysées and his pronunciation was pretty good imo

jungkook put the rose from boy with luv behind his ear :(((

the whole dope/fire/baepsae medley was so fun (and yeah hobi did the splits and hip thrusted in our faces,,,, namjoon too)

jimin sounded the best during idol imo (with jin ofc)

singularity was a whole religious experience. the audience audibly gasped when taehyung opened his eyes in that bed like. he was so sultry and it felt like i was being hypnotised. that performance was perfect on all levels (and i loved the effects they put on the screen where he was split in red and in blue) icb i had the honor of witnessing that,,, he looked so mesmerising on the screen im still not over this (in general he looked divine everytime he was on screen,,, the charisma,,,,, the presence,,,,,, the aura,,,,,,,,and he looked absolutely adorable when he smiled)

the fake love outfits. incredible. never been done before. extraordinary. fantastique, as taehyung would say

yoongi’s voice sounded higher than i thought it would during seesaw (during the whole concert actually sjfhbkgb even when he talked??) he looked very pretty but it was personally the solo stage i liked the least :// like he didn’t make any mistakes and he sounded good when he sang but it had less impact than the others to me???

EPIPHANY!!!!!! jin sounded perfect and he wore glasses and i almost died. epiphany is better live than on the album imo,,, i just wish armys would have stayed QUIET!!!!!! they almost sang the whole song like bitch i payed to listen to jin not u!!!!!!! anyway jin was so stable and the background made him look like an angel (which he is) and his last adlibs were *chef kiss*

vocal line was perfect during the truth untold but i wish armys would have just,,,shut up svdbjg like this is a ballad?? why r u yelling??? why r u singing over the professional singers??? i kinda wanted to actually hear jungkook sing the “but i still want u” part???? anyway jimin and jk were in full vocal kings mode at the end it was amazing i’ll never get sick of this song (and taehyung’s voice is a gift, truly,,, jin too ofc) also the outfits were so good pls give the styling team a raise they litcherally looked like princes

TEAR WAS SO FUCKING GOOD OMG SGHVJHBGKJBKDJ okay so first off the effects they put on the screen with the green things were so fucking cool and rap line themselvesb too!! namjoon was incredible but hoseok??? mistre jung????????? in that dior outfit?????????????? his stage presence is unmatched. to be more detailed, namjoon sounded better live and had sm energy and hobi too (his part at the end... i am deceased) but i kinda felt like yoongi was a bit off? he was good ofc but idk it seemed to me that he had less energy than the other two (he was probably just tired or sick idk this is not me saying that he sucks ofc)

i didn’t film anything for mic drop so i enjoyed it to the fullest hehe it was awesome (especially hobi’s part)

jin wore a cap during the encore. it was great.

anpanman was cute!!! i have to say that i was barely focusing on the song i was just looking at the bangtans playing around on those bouncy things and they looked really happy

my tits were almost out during so what bc i was jumping too much it’s definitely a song u have to see live

im pretty sure they made us do a wave twice so that jimin could count to three in french and that tae could say “magnifique” afterwards (the army bombs became a rainbow too it was beautiful)

it was difficult to hear them during the ments sometimes bc everybody was screaming :///

they kept saying that they would come next year

jk said “je n’oublierai jamais tous mes souvenirs avec vous” (i’ll never forget all my memories with u) it was very sweet and then he said smth with “pour toujours” (forever) at the end but i didnt catch the beginning of his sentence

jin, tae and yoongi imitated all the people who were trampling on the bleachers (those fans were so loud and did this shit at the randomest times....)

taehyung said his pronunciation wasn’t good but that he prepared a few sentences in french and then he said “paris si vous aimez pouvez vous nous dire (?) l’année dernière était comme (?) pouvez-vous nous (?) s’il vous plaît? j’aime vraiment paris. je n’oublierai pas (?)” (paris if you like can you say (?) last year was like (?) could you (?) please? I really love paris. I won’t forget (?)... and at the end i think he asked us if we would come next year but im not sure bc people were screaming at some points) and he ended by saying i love you in korean and he teared up :((( it was so sweet of him to prepare all of this!!!

jimin talked for a while (in korean instead of french bc he wanted us to feel his sincerity) abt how during this tour he realised that he was really happy being around his members, the staff and the fans and that he genuinely hoped that we were too and that happiness was right next to us (and that he hoped that bts was in that happiness too) and he also thanked us several times and said i love u,,, he’s a sweetheart :((

hobi said that he prepared stuff in french even tho he wasn’t confident and said “aujourd’hui c’est la meilleure nuit de notre tour (?) on a terminé notre tour sans accident et ça nous a permis de sentir à quel point vous nous aimez (?) vous êtes vraiment notre espoir, merci d’avoir passé un bon temps avec nous, je vous aime, merci beaucoup” (today is the last night of our tour (?) we finished our tour without any accident and it allowed us to feel how much u love us (?) u guys are really our hope, thank u for spending a good time with us, i love u, thank u sm) im sorry i missed some words bc i genuinely can’t understand what he said shgvdjf other than that his pronunciation was good and it’s so sweet that he prepared all that,,, he looked kinda nervous but he smiled a lot and i think he was actually reading from the prompter??

namjoon said “do u know why paris is always the last date? bc u guys are the damn best (개짱)” but the interpret omitted the damn sjfdghk he also said “on se revoit très bientôt i love u” (let’s see each other very soon) and “paris est la ville des lumières” (paris is the city of lights) after making us take out our phones with the flash lights and then it transitioned right to mikrokosmos,, that was litcherally poetic cinema

other random things i remember: taehyung was in a really good mood (everyone actually, they were playing around a lot), hobi’s smile is so sunshiney, they poured water on each other a lot during encore (i watched jin sneaking up behind namjoon and spraying him sgfvjd they also watered jimin), there were some points where the mic quality wasn’t that good? idk maybe i just imagined it, i absolutely love how they used the screens it really added to the concert’s visuals, jin did a flying kiss during the first ment, jungkook went to the audience at the end but i was focusing on jin so i only realised he did that when jin was like “jungkook-ah” sjvfhjdgbkj, they weren’t extremely synchonized when dancing but they have great energy so it still looked good and overall i really enjoyed myself (me n my friend were ready to fight that one girl who kept screeching stuff at jungkook at random times tho,,,, icb she yelled shit at him during the truth untold like have some respect???)

#this was so long svkjgl #thank u if u read this entirely #i wrote it while watching the vids me n my friend filmed #anyway i have no regrets buying those tickets #im glad this was my first concert ever #it was too short tho!!!!#and i wish they added spring day to the setlist #bts #youmi.txt

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epiphanyksj · 6 years

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TELL ME ABT JK DURING UR CONCERT IN LA !!!!!! HE LOVES LA N U DIDNT TELL ME ABT IT IN DETAIL !!!!!!💞💕💖💓

oh god :(((( HHH!!!!!! ok im literally gonna go through this event by event. so I WALKED INTO THE ARENA with my friend to go find my seat and there’s a moment of silence before the beginning of danger’s mv begins playing. and up on the screen is jungkook playing outro: propose, that really pretty dramatic piano part. and let me tell you i literally burst into tears AT THAT MOMENT because it was just so overwhelming to realize that i was actually there and going to see them. and then there was the vcr and they all looked. So Good! i literally said “oh my god” so many times during the concert it was unreal i mean ive told you about this but yeah on to actual performances (read more)

so all this fire starts torching into the air and the stage lights are flashing everywhere with this dramatic music with heavy drums (think mama 2016 fire-esque). ok so im rewatching the vid i took as i write this and im laughing because everyone else is like “TRAADE OFF” and from me you just hear this hysterical “CHOO CHOO” OK thats not the point. i could barely focus in the first performance because i could not believe they were real but like he’s GORGEOUS they were all so gorgeous n i wanna gush about the others too but this is a jk ask. he is So Stable and powerful i dont know how he even does it. so after they finish performing they begin their ments…. when it goes to jk he kinda looks up like “:o its my turn” but then he goes “WASSUP” and he’s so sos ofuckginfg pretty he glows and his eyes and just his face at that point i screamed “I LOVE YOU… (weakly) jungoo….” and then he also said LONG TIME NO SEE he has the cutest voice :(.

when he starts singing in save me… his voice is so beautiful. and i already said it but his dancing is so powerful. n the way he looks at the camera… you feel it in your soul. and his voice is so good in im fine!!!!!! i was not, in fact, fine. the part where he falls to the floor then suddenly looks up is so intense.

but incredibly he looks absolutely ethereal when he stands and sings. this might sound weird but like…. the way his eyes are half closed is so pretty and he looks at peace. even more so when he closes his eyes all the way. ive said it so many times but his eyes literally are so captivating. all of bts look unbelievably good in person. also there’s supposed to be a fanchant In Magic Shop During The Instrumental Break But Nobody Did It but i faithfully went through all the way anyway.

n then. THE GOLDEN DUO VCR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! theyre so cuuuteekjsdhdskjfh :((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( like it was just such a happy pure colorful lighthearted vcr!!!!!

ok not to be cheesy but i literally got goosebumps and started tearing up when i heard his voice say “euphoria” in the silence. the pretty guitars start coming in and he’s revealed on the stage. he looks so at home when he sings it and there’s golden light all around him and he’s smiling. but when it’s not the chorus the lights are a blue color and it reminds me of the ocean in the music video. he really puts so much into his singing and just his overall performance. and when he does the high note in euphoria and the golden confetti explodes into the air and shimmers in the lights.

he puts his hand to chest often when he sings like he’s feeling it in his soul. but he also jams out really cutely! he jumped around during run a lot (and yet is ridiculously stable still) and his hair is bouncy! he headbanged a little too :( at the end of run during hoseok’s part he took out his earpiece to listen to us. his part in dna with tae is so iconic!!! rapper jk!!!!!!!!! literally even just the way he sings “DNA”!!!!

he asked us if we were having fun!!!! babie :( (side note tae is SOO cute when he talks in english). also the army bomb ocean was so pretty it was a range of colors from yellow green to purple and it was this amazing gradient.

then. Then. 21st century girls. Came On. but i need to save this gushing about the song itself for the next ask. all of them gather together to jam out in the center of the stage! afterwards jk wanders around! YOU SAY YES OR NO YES OR NO WOOAAAHOHHH

this goes for everyone else too but when he sings in gogo its like the words are just rolling out of his mouth if that makes sense.

but the transition to bst. unreal but im also saving that for the next ask. god and i keep talking about jk’s dancing but seriously him and the entirety of dance line are a serious force to be reckoned with. his voice when he sings his parts is so light and fluttery.

you shouldve heard me during his rap part of boy in luv. i was like “APPAAAAAAA” “EOMMAAAAAA” “PYEONJIIII” “MWONJIII” like i think those technically aren’t his lines but that whole section. and they cut straight to the bridge instead of doing the second verse and jk’s voice there especially combined with jimin and jin. and he holds the high note!!!!!!!

but his rap part in danger. hard fucking core. he’s so talented it’s unbelievable. this man does not hesitate when it comes to bangers or when it comes to headbanging.

airplane pt2. he saunters onto the stage like nobody’s business and sits and kicks back on that damn chair with his sultry ass voice. his falsetto is gorgeous when they do that part before hoseok’s airplane rap and at the end of the song. and i know it’s only part of the studio recording but when he does the “ah ah” part i lose my mind. the way he sits with the other members surrounding him just emanates this air of power and regality but almost in a casual way like “yeah we’re royalty, what about it?”

his outfit during fake love is perfect. all of the outfits are so good i could gush about them all day but alas this is a jk ask. his sleeves are see-through and he has shiny chains going across his chest harness and i’m sure you could find pictures of it but i hadn’t looked at concert pics beforehand so i was in shock at how good the outfits were. it’s like some performing beast is unleashed from jungkook during fake love. he’s absolutely in the zone and i couldn’t take my eyes off him because his presence is so strong especially when he’s in the center. it’s like he moves his body and projects his voice perfectly to the flow and energy of the song. fake love as a whole is so captivatingly intense it’s like you’re under a spell when you watch them perform it.

ok im burning out i can only write so much DSKJHSDF but the truth untold. it’s like he transforms into full angel form at this point. his voice is incredible and his harmonies and pitch and the emotion he puts into it. also everybody say thank you stylists!

he also has such an aura during mic drop. everybody does but it seriously is honestly such a great track live because the energy is dominating and in that moment you really know that they absolutely do own the whole arena and set the stage on fire. ugh! and the strength that he has during the dance break at the end of mic drop!! unreal!

also i can’t imagine genuinely truly hating so what. like i see so many people saying they hate it but you know that when you hear it irl that shit makes you JUMP and they have so much fun on stage especially jk! we like to make fun of him for his shoot dance but seeing him go across the stage enjoying himself so much makes you feel just as much joy as him :( at this point would it really be a performance of so what if he didn’t do it?

at this point i knew that so what was one of the final performances n i was like. What. because it really passed by like a blur it didn’t feel nearly as long as it supposedly took and before i knew it they were performing anpanman so i HAD to cheer up because that song is so cute. and jk is all smiley when they perform it! nose scrunches and all! he actually gets up in a normal way during namjoon’s part. his eyes are all big and sparkly and playful and it feels very boyish!!!

N THEN DURING THE ENDING MENT JOON CALLED JUNGKOOK “MISTER COOL GUY JK” AND JK WAS LIKE “cool guy!” n then like “make some nooooiiiise!!!” n he was smiling doing his cute scrunch and rewatching this like. ive said it 50 times already but he’s seriously so pretty. his eyes are lit up and his expression is bright and there’s a blue light shining on him but his EYESSSSS :((((( he has a slight accent which is rly cute but his pronunciation is also really good and it feels like you just want to hug him really tight even though he’s sweaty but like Would I Complain.

his voice in answer: love myself is so smooth it’s like sitting in a warm patch of sun with a cool breeze looking up at the sky. ok i know i said i was burning out but am i really. rewatching the videos makes me so happy. and his harmonies were so nice. and he was moving side to side really cutely! like one of those figurines you put on the dashboard of your car and they dance side to side! n he’s so full of love. they were all moving their arms side to side and the army bombs were moving along with them i want to cry watching it again it’s so weird thinking that i was actually there it felt like everyone in the audience became one with all the members on stage jk was acting cute and he and all the members were waving to everyone in the audience in the pit and the further away and upper levels of the arena.

for a really long time i’ve never been able to pinpoint the happiest moment or memory of my life everytime ive been asked about it. for lack of a better answer i always left it vague but ever since the concert i can easily say it was the happiest i’d been in a long time and possibly ever and i wouldn’t trade that feeling for anything else in the world

#long post #ly tour #jae.txt #asks #rainmv #nova #jungkook #concert #i didnt mean for this to get so long..... oh well

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nerice · 6 years

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tag game

got tagged by the absolutely lovely @kizunah 💕 to answer these questions and provide new ones for the people i’m tagging

1) who’s one of your favorite characters and why?

lllllllisten all my fav characters are just me picking those i can project oc emotions on so im??! hm. i can barely answer this w/o dragging myself. so the answer is gonna be mina greene from the deepgate codex with which i surprise exactly no one cuz i love a hot lady of questionable moral standing who achieved immortality thru obscure means & carries her surpreme demon warlord puppy around w/ her

please read the deepgate codex

2) last book you read – what did you think of it?

the wise man’s fear by patrick rothfuss!! & um.. i do like and dislike the kingkiller chronicles for a bunch of reasons. i’m not a fan of first person pov but this series made me kind of fall in love w/ it & i love love LOVE the embedded narrative it has. also some self-indulgent oc feels here and there. but at the same time it is Long Unfinished Traditional Fantasy with too many words and too few girls. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

3) do you consider yourself a good decision maker?

i decide which anime to watch next and which book series to start thru random number generator & tells u everything u gotta know abt my decision making skills. jesus take the wheel

4) preferred studying method?

cram last second?? i hate doing it but apparently that’s how my brain works and i get good grades, so..... Do Not Recommend Tho!

5) favorite word from your native language?

im gonna cheat and go with italian, “scoiattolo” (squirrel) bcos fsr that was little me’s fav word and the only part of the entire language i retained after moving to germany lol

6) do you have a problematic character you’d die for?

faye? shit do ocs count?? my general approach to my fav problematic characters is ‘oh pls die’ so idk what to tell ya.

7) is there something you felt like you’d never be good at, but are somewhat decent at doing now?

drawing....

8) what’s your general temperament like?

i get vry heated vry quickly when discussing things i like/dislike but otherwise im a very chill person

9) something you want to get better at?

digital art.............. How

10) something popular everyone else likes but you don’t?

i don’t...... wanna start shit.. or talk shit....... but yes there is A Many Things

11) before consuming books/movies, do you read reviews, or do you like going in blind?

reviews are bs im here for subjective enjoyment catered to my specific ass tastes so nope. if i can i absolutely wanna go in blind w/ every piece of media i consume

bonus: if you write, what’s the most you’ve ever written in one sitting?

very good very hard question!!!! idk!!! i’ve def written as much as 10k in one sitting before. so somewhere between 10-15k probably.

THESE QUESTIONS WERE SO GOOD MARIAM ILY!!!!!! 💕💕💕💕 im godawful at comin up with new ones so im gonna pass the same questions on to @cospinol @ispybluesky @leecherish @gogomarinette aaand @ruisninomiya

the original list is under the cut

who’s one of your favorite characters and why?

last book you read – what did you think of it?

do you consider yourself a good decision maker?

preferred studying method?

favorite word from your native language?

do you have a problematic character you’d die for?

is there something you felt like you’d never be good at, but are somewhat decent at doing now?

what’s your general temperament like?

something you want to get better at?

something popular everyone else likes but you don’t?

before consuming books/movies, do you read reviews, or do you like going in blind?

bonus: if you write, what’s the most you’ve ever written in one sitting?

#i know im not here much atm but ily for still thinking of me with these!!!!#tag games #sorry i wanna say more but im dead from biking around all day and tmr we gonna climb fushimi inari AGAIN rip all of me #good night

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wyrmsandrocs · 7 years

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You know what you dared (anyone really) me personally to send all the writer asks so FUCKIBG ALL OF THEM BETCH

1. Favorite place to write. - I really like taking my laptop with me and writing at parks or in hotel lobbies when my fam travels, but its comfortable and familiar to write at my desk in my room2. Favorite part of writing. - letting characters be sassy and snarky. also letting characters heal.3. Least favorite part of writing. - actually putting words on the page lmfao4. Do you have writing habits or rituals? - i put on my writing playlist and if i can grab a diet coke bc it helps me feel like im ready to be productive5. Books or authors that influenced your style the most. - ooh, for writing style Caroline Lawrence’s books influenced me a lot when i was younger and more recently @lbardugo and six of crows6. Favorite character you ever created. - ahhh probably Linde, a shapeshifter who rejects all human concepts including gender7. Favorite author. - again, Leigh Bardugo. also @canipetyourdragon but like technically shes not published yet 8. Favorite trope to write. - enemies to lovers lmfao9. Least favorite trope to write. - ahh idek 10. Pick a writer to co-write a book with and tell us what you’d write about. - @canipetyourdragon and we’d probs write abt some wacky adventure11. Describe your writing process from scratch to finish. - 1) have an idea and daydream abt it for a month 2) worldbuilding/character building for a g e s 3) finally get around to writing a shitty draft 4) s u f f e r 12. How do you deal with self-doubts? - whine at someone and then remind myself that nothing starts perfect and i have time to make it better. tbqh a lot of the time i remind myself that Six of Crows started as smthn like 31,000 words and is a lot longer in the final form and, no offense to leigh, was probs kinda crap at first lmfao13. How do you deal with writers block? - i remind myself that its not gonna get written if i dont write it, i sit my ass down, and i write something. anything. any stupid sentence. and then i write another one.14. What’s the most research you ever put into a book? - hoo boi am i bad at research n o t m u c h 15. Where does your inspiration come from? - a lot of my inspiration comes from music and other books, i have playlists that remind me of my characters and story on spotify and those help a lot16. Where do you take your motivation from? - i remember that i’ve always wanted to be a writer since i was like 5 and could barely write my name and i think about how much i want that to be a reality.17. On avarage, how much writing do you get done in a day? - ehh i’d say maybe 400 words on average? the least ive written recently is 100 words the most was 1,50018. What’s your revision or rewriting process like? - ah i havent worked on one story enough to know yet19. First line of a WIP you’re working on. - No matter how many she saw, Siora couldn’t get used to Outer Land bars.

20. Post a snippet of a WIP you’re working on. - “In a shocking plot twist, the rich Kitonian girl used to be a thief,” Linde said, mimicking some sort of announcer.

“Are you just here to add sarcastic commentary?” Siora glared at them.

She seems to glare at them a lot, Dema thought.

“That’s the whole reason I’m following you,” they said, then added, “Don’t give me that look, you know I don’t really care about the war.”

“My question is why is Siora still putting up with you,” Asteria laughed.

“Don’t give me any ideas,” The Beati girl grumbled, a smile playing on her lips.

“Oh yes, don’t encourage her. She might try to hurt me with one of her toothpicks.”

Dema laughed, “Don’t insult a lady’s knives, it’s not wise.”

“What’s a lady?” The Gerum asked, feigning confusion.

“Dema is a lady,” Asteria kissed the girl on the cheek, laughing.

“Doesn’t seem very ladylike to me,” Siora snorted.

“Like you’re one to talk,” Dema shot back.

“If anyone here is a lady, it’s me,” Linde said, sticking their nose in the air.

“You aren’t even a girl!” Asteria shrieked, grinning.

“Fair enough,” They nodded.

21. Post the last sentence you wrote in one of your WIP’s. - “Yep, now we’re just doing a final check to make sure we have everything,” The girl said without looking up.22. How many drafts do you need until you’re satisfied and a project is ultimately done for you? - ahh depends i havent really “completed” any big projects, but for short stories usually only one or two23. Single or multi POV, and why? - multiple because i have so many characters and none of them is really the /main/ character24. Poetry or prose, and why? - i love prose but tbh im a poet at heart i write a l o t of poetry

25. Linear or non-linear, and why? - linear, otherwise i get too confused26. Standalone or series, and why? - standalone, because i think the story im working on rn is only one book long. altho i do have another story in this world planned dont tell anyone 27. Do you share rough drafts or do you wait until it’s all polished? - i share as i write

28. And who do you share them with? only sharing with @canipetyourdragon tho29. Who do you write for? - myself and my future readers30. Favorite line you’ve ever written. - for prose? “You complain so much I’m starting to think it’s a religious observance,” Siora said, leaning against the wall. the answer is dif for poetry tho31. Hardest character to write. - a s t e r i a i love her but shes not fully fleshed out yet. also shes so good32. Easiest character to write. - linde that snarky bastard33. Do you listen to music when you’re writing? - yep i have a playlist that reminds me of my story34. Handwritten notes or typed notes? - both35. Tell some backstory details about one of your characters in your story. - Siora was raised to be the right hand guard of the princess, but was exiled when she died.36. A spoiler for story? - the villain gets redeemed37. Most inspirational quote you’ve ever read or heard that’s still important to you. - hm i really dont know. writing wise, i love the quote “if the muse is late for work, start without her.”

38. Have you shared your outline of your story with someone? If so, what did they think of it? - I tell wyna about all my story shenanigans and schemes, and so far i think she likes it lmao39. Do you base your characters of real people or not? If so, tell us about one.- not characters i like. sometimes background redshirts are based on people i hate so that i can kill them40. Original Fiction or Fanfiction, and why? - both. I love writing fanfiction, but i also have a lot of original stories to tell41. How many stories do you work on at one time? - only one at a time for me42. How do you figure out your characters looks, personality, etc. - a lot of the time it just comes to me, but i also answer ask memes like this as that character43. Are you an avid reader? - y e s 44. Best piece of feedback you’ve ever gotten. - hm im really not sure45. Worst piece of feedback you’ve ever gotten. - most unhelpful? “it sucked ass” - daedalus46. What would your story look like as a tv show or movie? - o h dude i would love to see it as a movie it would be a really cool fantasy aesthetic omg the effects for the shapeshifters would be so cool to see

47. Do you start with characters or plot when working on a new story? - this story actually started with setting48. Favorite genre to write in. - YA isnt a genre is it? technically fantasy i guess49. What do you find the hardest to write in a story, the beginning, the middle or the end? - the middle for sure50. Weirdest story idea you’ve ever had. - idk abt story idea but when i was 12 i killed a character by turning him into a tortilla ¯\_(ツ)_/¯51. Describe the aesthetic of your story in 5 sentences or words. - fantasy eclectic influence and design.52. How did writing change you? - honestly writing poetry gave me a way to express my feelings safely. it honest to gods helped me stop self-harming.53. What does writing mean to you? - to me it means putting my ideas and thoughts and self into the world in a way that people (hopefully) read and enjoy54. Any writing advice you want to share? - start writing and dont stop. if you think that its crap, remember that everything starts as crap, and if you think no one in the world wants to read it, remember that i definitely want to read it if you tell me about it.

tysm for asking omg!

#freya answers #a shade-y fellow

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spnife · 7 years

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91 question tag

Tagged by @vanillabeanniall and then @uswntinharmony

More below the cut bc that’s how I roll

the last –

1. drink: Arizona Tea

2. phone call: my mom

3. text message: my mom - she sent me two climbing videos. Or I sent them to me, from her phone

4. song i listened to: What a feeling, but I was asleep (i checked the music app just now), so the last song I remember hearing is Ray of Light by Madonna

5. time you cried: wednesday. First day of school was today so it was some stress

have you ever – 6. dated someone twice: yeah

7. been cheated on: yeah. I became friends with the guy though. Similar tastes I guess??? (( Actually I blocked him on snapchat last year bc he was talking some bs on his story but in eigth grade he wasn’t awful)) She lied abt it though and then talked to me two years later and still lied like okay

8. kissed someone and regretted it: no ragrets

9. lost someone special: not really

10. been depressed: fuck hell yep

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: no. I had like a sip of beer on a trip but it was just to mess with a dude while he was in the porta potty

list 3 favorite colors – 12. light blue

13. orangish pink

14. dark purple

in the last year have you – 15. made new friends: heck yeah. I switched schools and found a really good group of people there already. It’s been alright

16. fallen out of love: not in the last year. gotta be in love first

17. laughed until you cried: probably but I don’t remember rn

18. found out someone was talking about you: I think? I found out parents were saying nice things about me. Mean wise maybe? I’m not really sure. Probably

19. met someone who changed you: at least one. a teacher last year

20. found out who your true friends were: i think?

more – 21. kissed someone on your facebook? alas, i do not have a facebook

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life? see 21

23. do you have any pets? A super sweet black lab named FeeBee, a kitten named Mulder and a cat named Milo, and a hedgehog named Wembly

24. do you want to change your name? i like my name. My last name bothers me sometimes bc dad stuff but it’s gotten better

25. what did you do on your last birthday? I had a chill day at school, got a nice car, got a card from all of the kids on the climbing team. One of them said “Wow Coach Ella, you only have two more years til you can drink,” like i’m sorry kid I’m only 16

26. what time did you wake up? 7. first day of school

27. what were you doing at midnight? crying and putting school stuff in my backpack and watching VEEP

28. name something you can’t wait for: to keep getting better at climbing, the Harry Styles concert on oct 11, my birthday on oct 13 bc it should be fun and I hope I’ll get another card from the climbing team bc they’re all lovely

29. when was the last time you saw your mother? today

30. what is one thing you wish you could change about your life? i want to know that I’ll be able to be happy

31. what are you listening to right now? watching Raising Hope

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom? yep

33. something that is getting on your nerves? I keep getting anxiety while I’m at climbing practice and that’s one of my most comfortable places. it feels like im going downhill with climbing even though I know im getting better

34. most visited site: netflix

school – 35. elementary: i loved my elementary school. every teacher i had was amazing, small school in austin and a good community and i still talk to my friends from there. so when i moved to the new school in fifth grade and depression was already showing up, the differences made it literally hell. it was awful. i didnt like my teachers and i didnt know people

36. middle: 6th grade was hell, 7th grade was even fuckin worse, 8th was still pretty bad. All the worst years of my life so far, and tbh it’s gonna be hard to top them

37. high: better than middle school but thats a really fucking low bar. like incredibly low.

38. college: planning for ACC for two years to get base courses, dream school UT in an engineering major. I love the school and the program there, but I worry if I could barely get through middle school, how tf am I supposed to survive college. Also it didn’t feel great when I was talking to a friend and I was like “yeah ut is tbh my dream school, if I can get in” and she was like “oh that’s one my last choice colleges” like fucking okay love you thanks for telling me that makes me feel real good about my intelligence and how you view me

me – 39. hair color: brown

40. long or short hair? shoulder length

41. do you have a crush on someone? yep. according to a friend i am “so gone for this girl” but um. oka y what if she doesn’t like me? I feel good around her though and she likes being around me and we work well together I think. She’s lovely and I wouldn’t want to make things weird by asking her out if I don’t know she feels that way too.

42. what do you like about yourself? I am able to figure things out and I work with kids really well. I’ve also been getting better at climbing again so I’m proud of myself for that

43. piercings? just my ears

44. blood type: lol yeah like i know?

45. nickname: ellallalala is something I’m getting from people at the new school, and I’ve had some climbing nicknames over the years but Coachella is sticking. I coach and my name is Ella it’s great

46. relationship status: nope

47. zodiac sign: libra

48. pronouns: she/her

49. favorite tv show(s): always sunny, parks and rec, my name is earl, curious george

50. tattoos: soon

51. right, ambidextrous, or left-handed? right

first – 52. surgery: i had one on my pelvis in 2013? i was in preschool and it was for this weird group of veins on the side of my leg. We’d always called it a birthmark and after the surgery the scar looked like a sunset over water but the sun is purple (still looks like that it’s rad) and the first time someone showed me a birthmark i was like??? Um no thats just a little dark bit of skin?? my birthmark is purple what is this shit

53. piercing: ears

54. sport: rock climbing. found it early and still love it

55. vacation: no idea

56. pair of trainers: first i remember are a PAIR OF DORA LIGHT UP SHOES

current – 57. eating: nothing

58. drinking: arizona tea

59. i’m about to: finish my arizona tea

60. listening to: the episode ended so me typing and the clock my great grandmother gave is

future – 61. waiting for: me to feel alright

62. want: to like what i’m doing and to know i’m able to be happy doing it. I wish I could just skip to being married with kids and a dog and everything.

63. married: oh for sure

64. career: astronaut has always been my dream career but with this level of anxiety it’s probably a no go. I am not over it. I’m def gonna cry abt it in a couple of minutes bc thats how it goes, ya know. The last astronaut I talked to though said “the biggest disqualifier is not applying” so i’m still going to try my hardest. I also love engineering and physics and space and science and education and would love to be a librarian, so we’ll see

your type –   65. hugs or kisses? depends

66. lips or eyes? eyes, i guess. There’s more character there

67. shorter or taller? in my head i’m always like oh taller but really it doesn’t matter. as long as i can be little spoon im good to go

68. older or younger? doesn’t matter

69. nice arms or nice stomach? tummies are cute i guess.

70. sensitive or loud? i don’t know

71. hook-up or relationship? right now relationship and at some point relationship but ask me a couple months ago and it would have been different

72. troublemaker or hesitant? both. troublemaker with a lot of decisions but in fun ways, but hesitant when it comes to talking to new people that i want to be good friends with. and asking people out

73. kissed a stranger? yep. on a bet

74. drank hard liquor? had some jack daniels mixed with coffee and it tasted like cinnamon toast crunch

75. lost contact lenses/glasses? my glasses always turn up

76. turned someone down? yeah. accidentally on a few though lol. As i had a crush on someone i went out with for a little while last yeah legit three other people liked me and i guess im oblivious bc i had no fucking idea

77. sex on first date? depends

78. broken someone’s heart? i don’t think so

79. had your heart broken? yes but in a friendship way along with the relationship. it goes back to the you should kill yourself stuff

80. been arrested? nope

81. cried when someone died? no one i’ve known closely has died. My great-great grandmother died when i was fiveish but she was really old. There have been a few suicides at my old school (i switched 2 months before end of last year) and those hit hard, just knowing that there are so many people here dealing with that stuff and me relating to it. I didn’t know the people well but we’d spoken and I knew them some, but I had some friends who were much closer and really affected

82. fallen for a friend? yeah

do you believe in – 83. yourself? i try

84. miracles? shit happens, and sometimes it’s good

85. love at first sight? who am i to say tbh

86. santa claus? no

87. kiss on first date? if i like them

88. angels? no

other – 89. current best friend’s name: skip

90. eye color: hazel

91. favorite movie: i dont know im tired and want to cry sort of so maybe i shouldnt think about this stuff as much when im already stressed im going to go drink more tea and eat some soup

Anway

I’m tagging anyone who reads this far. gotcha

#about me #mine

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lids-flutter-open · 7 years

Text

mediocre character development stuff under cut sorry if ur on mobile its long text

its abt my character elaine first person pov cuz im trying to write some extra-textual sketches to figure out some scenes

Dawn came up over the hill as the bus was edging closer to the Oregon border. Chad was sitting next to me slumped into his seat with his head to one side. His hair was longer than mine had been a year ago and it was oily from days camping. He hadn’t shaved and his skin looked like a mess. He smelled like cigarettes and campfire smoke. I looked at my reflection in the bus window in the blue light of the early January morning and winced my skin clean with the spell I’d learned from Irma back in Kansas. I wished I could scrape the outer layer of my skin off with a rock or a very wide razor file. I looked over at a woman who was reading a book with a little lamp she clipped onto the cover. She was clean and wore jeans with rhinestones and had gotten on the bus in some tiny town late the night before. I had noticed she was giving me sidelong glances. I thought about how I would like to be her if the opportunity presented itself. I bet she was the child of an auto mechanic or a copy shop clerk and took classes at her local community college. Her hands were all manicured and clean on the pages of her novel. She looked like she was in the middle of a good part now and didn’t care about us any more.

We went over the border and I sort of half expected them to stop us and search for fruits or werewolves on board, even though I knew that since we were on a bus we were pretty much cleared to go. I took my wallet out again and looked at the fake ID I’d gotten back in L.A again just to make sure it didn’t look too fake. It had my mom’s first name on it and then a made up last name. Next to it were three cards from Rodney that I usually kept hidden in my socks. I kept expecting Rodney to cancel them but whenever I used them they went through. The bus rocketed through these forests of green icy tall trees and into Oregon and I fell asleep for a minute and missed the second the sun came over the edge of the horizon.

Salem was a small town in the middle of a lot of highway. It’s the capital, but you wouldn’t know it. You can see Mount Hood on a clear day. The first time I visited I was deeply underwhelmed. There was a diner or four and a small downtown that you felt was gonna get filled up in the next ten years with antique shops. People here were mostly white and mostly drove cars everywhere. The land was flat and it was on a river. It was the third biggest town in Oregon, which goes to show that not many people really live in Oregon. Chad told me that the main thing here was the state and then a potato chip factory and then berry farms outside town. And timber. I hadn’t been to Salem in a couple years and it hadn’t changed much. This time of year the roads were covered in ice and when we went over bumps there was this kind of terrible sense you could slip. I watched the sunrise through the window. It looked like cat vomit. I checked through my bag for everything I needed to set up camp and then everything else I had on me that hadn’t gotten too heavy. I had a swimsuit from the three months Chad and I had lived in a house on a beach with this dude who turned out to be hooked on Oxy. I had four diaries. I still had a mix tape from Felix, who was dead and buried somewhere in Missouri. I wanted a cigarette but Chad and I had had a fight about how it was bad for him so now I was trying not to smoke and anyway I only had three Camels left.

“You want me to read your Tarot cards?” I turned to Chad. “I still have the set you gave me.”

He mumbled in his sleep. I looked over at the woman reading the book and thought about what she would do if I asked to read her cards. She was the only other person that was sitting towards the back of the bus. Up near the front there were three heavyset short men who looked related, all zoning out or sleeping under their knit hats and heavy coats. The bus was overheated and I felt sweat dripping down my stomach under my sweatshirt.

Chad woke up as we got into the Greyhound station across from the hospital. He sat down on the curb at the edge of the street and smoked the last of his weed. We waited for Josh, his friend, to show up.

“How’s being sober?” Chad asked me.

“It’s okay,” I said. “I don’t feel like there’s something dead in my mouth and it’s morning at the same time.”

“We can fix that,” Chad said. “You want breakfast somewhere? We still have a little cash, right? We can eat some dead stuff.”

“I’m saving that cash to buy a Jeep.”

“You got your cards too,” Chad said.

“My Tarot deck?”

“Whatever, I know Rodney isn’t gonna cancel those. He doesn’t even pick up his mail, he probably has no idea what you’re spending.”

I watched the rhinestone jean girl get into a van with a man that had a giant piercing through his nose and wondered what I didn’t know about her. I wanted to ask Chad if he’d seen her but he was standing up and walking around and stretching and the moment was gone. I looked around and wondered where there was some place to get breakfast. There was a hospital across the street and next to it was the university.

***

The cops came up the steps and everyone was going in a million different directions and I felt like this ripple down my spine of sweat and fear. I looked at Aysel. She was standing in the middle of everything looking stupid and lost as people ran all over like shrimp on a beach. I couldn’t see her friend. Chad pushed past me back into the living room and Carmen bolted out the back door. I saw a lot of the people from downtown who weren’t wolves give panicked glances to one another. I knew they were thinking, fuck, what the hell did we get ourselves into? I wondered if one of them was a plant, or one of our crew, but at this particular moment it didn’t matter a lot. I saw everyone running into the basement and wanted to scream that that was the most idiotic fucking thing you could possibly do unless you planned to like hide under a pile of coal like it was the Soviets coming to collectivize us in 1918 or something, and as far as I knew there wasn’t any coal down there. I ran over and grabbed Aysel’s hand and said something mean under my breath to Chad. Aysel’s hand felt all sweaty. We weren’t going to make it out before the cops came in but we could get out of sight so I hung onto her and tore around the corner and flattened myself toward the floor. We were near an exit and there was nothing blocking it. If there was some kind of distraction I thought we could make it. The cops might surround the place but I had bets that the back garden wasn’t covered yet. I thought about the time in Philly when someone had beat apart the fuse box with a hammer when the cops got called because they had a hiding place right near it and all the lights went out and nearly everyone got away. If I turned out the lights the cops might just start shooting and plant guns on our dead bodies later. I couldn’t hear any helicopters but I thought there might be some I couldn’t hear, because everyone was being so fucking loud.

I told Aysel to be ready to run and meanwhile I was thinking about how she probably could not run fast enough.

Chad was standing there like a stupid idiot and shouted some bullshit and tried to be all heroic. His body was all tense and upright. He said something loud I don’t remember and then the cops opened fire and I yanked Aysel’s arm out of her tiny arm socket and we fucking bolted. I hated running from shit then and I hate it now and I will hate it forever. I stopped smoking but my lungs still hurt all the time and I can still barely breathe. The safe house in Salem was ok at least because it’s up against all these private yards that you know the cops won’t clamber into so you can throw yourself through them and lose people pretty fast. I got leaves and wet mud up the sides of my jeans but I barely registered it.

“Did you see who they shot?”

Aysel panted something and I couldn’t hear her.

We stopped and I was seeing sparks in front of my eyes and my heart was pounding like a fucked clock or whatever and it hit me in an instant that Chad was like, probably really dead, and the way my life was together wasn’t a thing that was actually together, it was just stuck haphazardly into a shape and the shape had just broken. I looked at Aysel and she looked like this fucking kid, suddenly, like she always looked young but suddenly she was looking at me like I was her mom and I wasn’t her fucking mom and her real mom was looking for her and I wasn’t anyone, I was this nobody loser asshole who had taken her to the movies like I was some kind of predatory lesbian from a pulp novel and then taken her to a weird political meeting that had gotten busted by cops and she was just in it all and knee deep in her own excitement and I’d fucked her over and now we were covered in mud in some parking lot. Her hair was matted and I thought about how she wasn’t even fucking out probably, she hadn’t even had her first lesbian haircut. I knew she wanted one, I knew from just like seeing her that she wanted short hair.

I hugged her thinking about how I was a fucked up person and she needed someone better and I needed someone grown up. I felt tears streaming down my face and I felt Aysel crying against me all burning and little. I felt her hands against my back and suddenly realized she was holding me tightly, like I was something stable. I ripped myself away from her and tore over to the chain link fence separating the parking lot from the road. I wanted to hurl myself onto the asphalt so the passing cars could crush my skull. If Dad had shown up with his rifle I would have taken it from his hands and hyperextended my arms backwards and shot myself in the throat with it. I felt more scared than I ever had in my whole life and I felt my body like electricity in a bathtub. I punched the fence over and over with my hands barely in fists, just tearing the skin on my knuckles open against the rusted metal. I have never had a tetanus shot and I thought about the diamonds in my mother’s drawer when I was a kid and how if I died nobody was going to put diamond earrings on me when they buried me. I wasn’t going to even die in a ditch in Kansas or on the railroad tracks or in a hospital, I was going to die in a gutter or on the street like roadkill. My hands were bloody and the blood was on the fence. I screamed at the cars and grabbed the fence with two hands and shook and kicked the fence with my boots until I slipped against the gravel at the edge of the pavement and stumbled and almost fell over.

“Do you want a donut?” she asked me.

There was this donut shop she was pointing to in the strip mall parking lot. I didn’t want to be seen but it was worse just sitting there and so we went in and I let her buy me a donut, feeling like pond scum. I felt the holes in my mouth with my tongue and bit down against my own teeth, grinding until I could feel the cavity that was slowly burrowing down towards my jaw.

I told Aysel that her friend was probably okay. I had no fucking idea where her friend was.

#long text #out of salem #text #elaine #long post

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gaykamukura · 6 years

Note

2-10, 15-20, 26-29, 31-33, 37, 45-48, 51, 52, 59, 60, 63, 67-73, 81, 97, 99, 100

puttin under a read more cause it got long snksnksnskn

2. Favourite protagonist?

i’m gunna be real, i like playing as hajime a lot plus theres some moments where he’s being ridiculous and you’re powerless to stop it so you’re just there, face in your hands, losing your shit snickering.

3. Favourite antagonistic character?

points at my url gently...i know i’m an izuru kinnie but i think he has a lot of nuance espec cause he can fit an antagonist role while still being generally neutral on the havoc he wreaks

4. Favourite character?

i’m very bad at choosing but taka was my first fave and the first character i ever grew attached to that was ripped from me so i’m gonna say taka

5. Best girl?

hina, sakura, ibuki, peko, miu!!! i think my “type” is the girls who are either super stoic or super energetic pffft

6. Best boy?

i already talked abt taka earlier so kazuichi and leon are my beloved weenies

7. Favourite class trial from all the games?

the last class trial in the first game where you as makoto get to earn the title ultimate hope and the mastermind is finally revealed after the 20+ hours of grief and struggle you’ve just been put through and you get that satisfying ending of the mastermind paying for their crimes and everyone getting to go free is just...so good and so climactic i adore it

8. Least favourite character?

if i was in a room and my choices were to delete hifumi yamada from existence and die or survive while having hifumi yamada remain in this world i would choose to sacrifice myself

9. Least favourite class trial?

probably the second one in the first game, because it had all the things i was upset with. the way the genocide jack/jill and toko situation was handled was awful even with it taken in consideration that the game usually uses very trope-y characters, and the whooole thing with chihiro is uncomfortable for the entire trial, and then it all ends with an execution where if you think about it too much it makes your stomach whirl

10. What would be your Ultimate Title?

hmmm something like ultimate tarot card reader or ultimate divination/psychic maybe!!!

15. Your absolute OTP?

oh god i ship everything...i like komahina a lot though even tho i have another handful of ships for hajime

16. Your absolute BROTP?

fuyuhiko and nagito obviously

17. Do you have an OT3? Which one?

none that i can think of rn even tho i’m definitely open to a lot of them...i support gundham dating both sonia and kazuichi while sonia and kazuichi are best friends tho

18. Favourite rare ship?

i’m rly fond of fuyuhiko/nekomaru [hikomaru???] and kamuegi

19. Who do you think is an underrated character?

i feel like toko doesn’t get nearly enough love oh my gosh...i see her dismissed as an accessory to byakuya or “the girl w the serial killer” so often and it makes me so upset...also mukuro generally gets outright ignored even though there’s a lot to her

20. Who do you think is an overrated character?

i feel like i see a lot of stuff for mikan everywhere??? but i...don’t like her that much. her personality kinda feels like the same thing all the time, under the despair disease she feels like junko 2 electric boogaloo or tsumugi the squeakquel, and her execution was underwhelming. and she also killed ibuki, the best gal :(

26. Favourite execution?

oh god definitely leon’s. the first execution of the first game and it goes hard as hell. it’s one of the few if only times you see red blood in the game, he goes out kicking and screaming in a way that you have to feel sorry for him. it’s an unbelievable way to start off the game and really encapsulates all of the wild ride danganronpa is gonna put you in for.

27. Least favourite execution?

as i said before, mikan’s was...underwhelming. as the ultimate nurse who spent her life being a doormat only to kill out of love, there’s an amazing amount of executions and ideas that would have been full of nuance and really interesting but instead she just gets blasted into fucking orbit

28. Favourite unused execution?

oh god i love byakuya’s unused execution because it’s one of those executions that focuses less on the character’s talent and more on the character’s fear. when you realize what byakuya’s future could have been, pretty much complete estrangement from the family and having to build up everything on his own with the fear of poverty constantly looming.

plus the fact that he fights because he could have condemned his half-siblings to that fate only for he, himself, to lose in a killing game and die thinking he was a disgrace is so painful. not to mention the execution itself is a slow and painful death.

it’s so brutal, so focused on breaking every fear and effort of the character, that i think it’s one of those executions that would come to mind whenever you wanted a picture definition for “despair”.

29. Which character should survived in your opinion?

leon kuwata should have lived...he was talented but he was still a normal-ish boy who couldve kept everyone at their wits in the killing game by reminding them what was waiting for them out there. lots of others but i’ve been thinking of baseball husband lately

31. Is there a character you think who shouldn’t have survived but did?

i love yasuhiro that weed smoking boy but he was too dumb to live

32. Least favourite protagonist?

uhhh hmmm i like all of them but kaede had the least screentime so she’s a protagonist where her personality isn’t 100% crystal-clear so. i GUESS

33. Character with the best clothing?

i want chiaki’s hoodie and backpack and LOOK more than i want to breathe oxygen. junko also has a fucking aesthetic

37. Favourite minor character?

taichi fujisaki i guess??? programmer dad

45. Unpopular opinion?

i dunno what other people think of this because i haven’t heard anything about it, but the closing argument minigame was better in sdr1

46. Unpopular headcanon?

i think genocide jack/jill is nonbinary but i’ve never seen anybody else who has the same headcanon

47. A headcanon you have about a character?

one of my long-time headcanons is that makoto is trans...yeet

48. Favourite OST?

danganronpa 2 has bop after bop. miss monomi’s practice lesson? bop. all the execution themes? bops. ikoroshia and ekoroshia? bops. i am constantly jamming the fuck out in this game

51. Character you thought you were gonna dislike but loved in the end?

i thought i was always gonna hate hiyoko and yeah she does have flaws but i actually like her a lot more than i used to

52. Character you thought you would like but disliked in the end?

thought korekiyo was gonna be a cool dude who was a lil weird and emo but still fun. boy was i wrong. im stealing him from spiky chunky until they learn to stop it

59. Favourite moment?

again, the final trial in the first game is fucking amazing, but also the final trial in the second game with hajime and chiaki plus all the izuru stuff and all the messages there r just. good as hell aaah

60. Saddest moment?

all of chapter 2 in sdr2 was painful. mahiru, who was a force of good, dies, the trial is difficult, the twilight syndrome murder case is terrifying, hiyoko is mourning and you have to spit it right back in her face for awhile that she’s the prime suspect...

and then the only reward you get for finding the real killer is feeling guilty as the tears run and then your final reward is getting to watch as one of your friends dies while the other gets mortally injured and barely survives and then only a bit of gametime later attempts suicide in front of you. it is blow after blow w/o breaks

63. Describe Kyoko Kirigiri in 3 words!

lovely detective lady

67. Which character would you never want to meet in real life?

hifumi because i would be wearing an anime tshirt cause im a fucking weeb and then he’d be an incel while i suffered just trying to buy a lifetime supply of panda candy from hot topic

68. Which character would you like to meet in real life?

kazuichi cause he seems p chill and like the type of person you could just hang out with or have a chat with casually and not have to worry about first impressions and stuff like that

69. Choose one character which you would take with you on a trip.

70. Character you would have a sleepover with?

chiaki because we’re both super sleepy but we could also play a bunch of games together and then pass out together with a bunch of snacks

71. Character you can relate to?

sorry to be kinnie on main but izuru, i relate to that feeling of always excelling at everything you do and as a result being constantly bored, so whether what happens is good or bad doesn’t matter so long as it’s interesting

72. Character you can relate to but you dislike them?

kokichi, again being kinnie on main but while i relate i dislike it because it’s a reminder of my tendency to lie to others and to myself for any number of purposes

73. Character who deserved better?

[sniffles softly] taka. also keebo. toko too tbh

81. Could you be the Ultimate Lucky Student?

probably??? my luck varies from being unbelievably good and unbelievably bad so hey

97. Overrated ship which is your NOTP?

toko/byakuya for sure. i don’t like the it(tm)

99. Your absolute NOTP?

junko being shipped with anyone but especially with the sdr2 cast because it is gross. let the sdr2 cast do the right thing and get to pull a knife on junko instead

100. Opinion on all the Protagonists!

makoto: a boy who has a mouth and must scream. he’s not having a good time but hes trying his best

hajime: a good, refined boy. he knows how to say and spell big words like antidisestablishmentarianism, or however that goddamn word is spelled. the most paranoid boy

komaru: a good gal, a lil anxious but very strong and ready to kick ass. a funky little lesbian

toko: a blessed gal who needs more appreciation. her time as a protagonist is extremely gay, meaning she is also a funky little lesbian.

kaede: she doesn’t have much screen time but i appreciate her. she’s nice to people and confident whereas everyone else in this series is nervous

shuichi: nervous and emo, shuichi truly represents teenage america in the years 2007-2012, possibly 2013. i adore him

#text #ask meme #edchemist

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haeroniel-doliet · 6 years

Text

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more.

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya.

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else.

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah.

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds.... ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other.

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks)

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!) anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until. yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...) ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess)

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade.

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh.

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.)

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me) but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that....

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that.

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it- idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk.

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first) i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” )

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it.

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is?

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.

#tf when youre your own therapist #hah yeah thanks tumblr for being my digital diary #cringey enough and private enough it may as well never be read by anyone #but still if some crazy dumbass read it all theyd know me all too god damn well #but its not like...anyone ive mentioned will ever fucking read it. even consider to #aka #if you stumble past this #i guess you can assume its not abt you #ugh #this didnt even help that much #time to try option c #ignore everything and numb it with some rad youtbe videos for another 4 hrs and crash asleep at 5 am and everything continues to be bad #but like bad tomorrow #sorry this was a vent post #a very long one over 6000 words #i am SO sorry if youre on mobile and the readmore didnt work

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