#girl you're so correct I'm gonna start doing this irl too

[purple-obsidian]

Thank you for answering my last ask, can I have your take on if the girl in ur last fic hadve gotten just a TOUCH more frightened after the knife incident and started openly weeping when jason started touching her (i feel like she was already on the brink) would he keep going? I don't think that would feel consensual to her, especially after the knife thing. It already feels like she's ½way a prisoner, given the fact that he just goes and re-abducts her when she tries to leave. Does he already understand that what he's doing is very dubiously consensual, and he's going ahead anyways bc he dgaf, or if she were to point out that Jason's got the threat of violence constantly hanging over her head and that she can't safely deny him without jeopardizing all her bones and her mental welfare then it would bring him up short? It really seems like Jason understands she doesn't really want him physically (at least not in the way he'll have her) and he's just gonna plow on ahead bc she did not specifically say no. “Will you get mad at me if I say no?” I think he would. I think he understands shes afraid already.

[fic referenced]

you're welcome, anon!

if reader had been more outwardly emotional and made it very clear to him that she didn't want him touching her, he would have stopped. i am not saying that jason's behavior is right or correct in any way (this is dark fiction, remember) but if reader would have told him to stop or pushed him away, he most likely would have gone to the couch or just turned over and internalize the rejection, giving reader the silent treatment.

to answer the next part, does jason know that what he is doing isn't exactly consensual or right? its complicated. i want to give a quick disclaimer and say that the reasoning i'm about to explain is not any sort of justification for similar behavior irl, this is just what is going on in the mind of a very traumatized, very broken fictional character with a devastating backstory.

the first few weeks reader was living with jason, he probably would have let her leave if she said she wanted to. if she disappeared? he would have gone looking for her, absolutely. and also be pissed that she didn't tell him where she was going, and that she went out on her own. in my little au, joker planted doubts about jason and reader's relationship in his mind just like he manipulated jason's feelings towards bruce and the others. so upon their initial reunion, jason was skeptical and angry, and was kind of expecting her to leave. but after weeks of constant reassurance and promises, he finally started to believe reader, even though his insecurities remain. once he started putting the smallest bit of trust and faith in reader, that's the point where he would not allow reader to leave. even if she wanted to, jason has it in his head that she promised to be by his side no matter what, and he would cling to that and use it to guilt her and justify him keeping her, potentially, against her will. [he wouldn't force himself on her physically, but he would for sure keep her from leaving.]

homeboy is in the middle of trying to de-program all the shit joker put in his head, he is constantly second-guessing his relationships and the people around him, and his relationship with reader is the only steady presence he is allowing himself to trust. so if she decided to go, at this point, he would fight tooth and nail to keep her. he would most likely be in denial, and cling on even tighter.

he can see that reader is scared, but he is so scared himself that it's hard for him to focus on anything else. the physical and psychological torture he went through has, in my mind, left him so broken when it comes to bonds and relationships that some of his logic is just not there anymore. i imagine this makes it even harder for reader, too, seeing him work on establishing himself in gotham's underworld and being so cunning and sharp when it comes to executing his plans, but being so sensitive and snapping at her and his men if the wrong thing is said.

joker taught him that fear is the ultimate tool for control. jason may deny it, but he's taken those lessons to heart, whether he realizes it or not.

appreciate your thoughts, sorry this took a while to answer.

xoxo sid

[legolasghosty]

idk how to actually ask prompts or if ur still doing these (feel free to delete this one if ur not) but i have this scenario in my head where Ray take his 4y/o Julie to the park with his wife and a 5y/o Reggie comes by his back "Dad! Dad, look what i found!...you're not my dad." and Reggie can't actually find his dad

Hello Anon! Yes still taking prompts, sorry this took so long! Irl things were taking too much energy so I've been really slow on the prompt fills. I hope this finds you well! And I hope this matches up with what you were thinking, it's a really good idea!!!

TW: Implied child abuse and neglect.

"Swing, swing!" Julie exclaims, pulling at her parents' hands as the playground comes into view.

Ray laughs. "Of course, mija, we can do swings," he tells his 4-year-old daughter.

"Might have to just be you on that one though," Rose tells him, glancing down at the baby strapped to her chest. "I think Carlos is starting to wake up."

Ray leans over to peck her on the cheek. "Of course, I got it."

"Swing!" Julie cries again, more insistent this time.

Ray chuckles and allows her to tug him towards the tall, metal swing set. Julie clambers up onto one of the seats and Ray ducks around the chains to get behind her.

"Ready, Julie?" he asks, placing one hand on her back.

"Yes!" Julie cheers.

"Ready, set, go!" Ray calls as he pushes her forward.

His daughter giggles as she flies through the air, first up and then back down towards Ray. He can't help but echo the sound as he pushes her higher and higher. Not too high, she's only 4 after all, but enough to give her that magical feeling of weightlessness that Ray misses from his own childhood.

He glances over at one point to see Rose going down the little slide with a gurgling Carlos in her arms. He wishes he had his camera on him so he could get a picture of it. Ah well, another time.

Julie protests when he misses a push so he turns back to his little girl. Her ponytail is bouncing all over as she tips her head back. Ray thanks God every day that Rose knows how to handle her curls. He wouldn't have the faintest clue where to even start with them.

"Dad! Dad, look what I found!" someone yells from behind him.

Ray thinks nothing of it until he feels a small hand tugging on his black and green overshirt. He looks down to see a little boy, probably a little older than Julie, with dark, straight hair that falls over his eyes. Through the fringes, Ray can see the boy's delight and excitement quickly turn to confusion.

"W-wait, you're not my dad," the boy stutters, stepping back quickly.

"It's okay, no worries," Ray assures the boy, giving him a wide smile. He scans the playground quickly. "Is that your dad over there?" he asks, pointing to a man sitting beside the sandbox who looked to be around his build.

The boy squints, then shakes his head. "No, that's not him," he responds. He stares around at all the grown-ups there, and Ray can see him getting tenser with every passing second.

Ray drops into a squat so he can be on eye level with the kid. "Well how about I help you find your dad?" he offers, smiling.

The boy seems unsure. "Mom wouldn't like that," he mutters, dropping his eyes to the ground.

Stranger Danger, Ray thinks. He's glad the kid is cautious at least. "I bet your mom will just be relieved that they found you," he reassures the boy. He holds out a hand. "I'm Ray."

"Reggie," the boy says. He hesitates, then reaches out to shake Ray's hand in his tiny one.

"Who're you?" Julie asks suddenly, jumping off her now slowed swing to run up beside Ray.

"This is Reggie," Ray tells her. "We're gonna help him find his dad."

"Okay!" Julie agrees, grinning through her crooked front teeth. She turns to Reggie. "Hi, I'm Julie, this is my dad!"

Reggie returns her grin slowly. "Hi Juwie."

"Ju-lee," she corrects, giggling.

Reggie goes red. "Sorry, sorry," he stutters, his smile gone and his eyes widening.

Ray frowns at that reaction. Who was teaching a kid this young to be this upset over a simple mistake? Lots of the kids in Julie's preschool class had done the same thing.

"It's okay," Julie says, suddenly alarmed. She darts forward and wraps her arms around Reggie's shoulders.

Reggie seems startled by the hug, but after a second he returns it. Ray's chest feels warm at how Julie has so easily made the boy relax.

When Julie lets him go, Ray clears his throat and glances around the playground again. "Reggie, what's your dad's name?" he asks, getting back to the task at hand. The boy's parents must be frantic at not being able to find him.

Reggie frowns, thinking. "Well most of the grown-ups call him Rob, but mom calls him a word I got in trouble for saying at kindergarten."

Ray doesn't let himself dwell on that second part. "Okay, Rob then. What's your last name?"

"Peters."

Julie smiles. "That's my teacher's name."

Ray chuckles. "Well Julie, Peter is your teacher's first name. It's Reggie's last name. Like how your last name is Molina," he explains.

He racks his brain. He can't think of a Rob Peters that lives in their neighborhood, and that's most of who comes to this park. "Do you know your dad's phone number?" he asks Reggie.

Reggie shakes his head. "He gets mad if I ask about his phone."

Ray isn't sure what to do with that information. He just knows he doesn't like it. But that will have to wait. "Okay, that's okay Reggie," he assures the boy. "Where was the last place you saw him?"

"By the slide," Reggie answers, pointing. "We came over here in the truck and he took me to play."

"Your dad brought you here, but he's not here now?" Ray clarifies.

Reggie nods silently, biting his bottom lip. "He likes hiding sometimes, but I'm really good at finding him."

Ray makes a mental note to mention this to Victoria later. His sister-in-law is a social worker. Hopefully Reggie is just blowing things out of proportion because he's young and doesn't have a solid grasp on the world yet, but he'd rather be safe than sorry. Would rather Reggie be safe.

"Okay, well what does your truck look like?" he asks. "Is it still here?"

"It's blue, Dad uses it for work," Reggie tells him, looking around for the vehicle. His brow furrows. "Where's the truck?"

Ray spots the first tear escaping from the boy's eye. Julie must see it too, because she takes a couple of steps forward and pulls Reggie into another hug.

"Don't worry, my Papi is super good at finding stuff," she tells him. Then she laughs. "Unless it's his keys. Mami always has to find them for him."

Reggie lets out a watery chuckle at that. "My mom never finds things for my dad," he says. "She just yells right back at him."

"Everything okay over here?" Rose inquires, walking up to them with Carlos balanced on her hip.

Reggie retreats behind Julie, but Ray offers his wife a worried smile. "Don't worry, Reggie, this is Julie's mom, Rose," he tells the boy. "Reggie can't find his dad," he explains, rising to his feet.

"Oh no," Rose murmurs, frowning.

"I think his dad might have left him here," Ray adds in a hushed tone so only she can hear. "His truck is gone and Reggie said that his dad likes hiding from him."

"He doesn't know a phone number or an address?" Rose questions, mirroring his volume.

Ray shakes his head. "His dad's name is Rob Peters, and he drives a blue truck, but that's all I know. If he doesn't show up soon, we might have to call the police."

Rose winces. "I hope it doesn't come to that," she says. Then she smiles down at Reggie and Julie. "Well, I have some snacks in my bag," she tells the kids. "Why don't we all sit down and have something to eat. Your dad will probably be back any minute, Reggie."

Both children brighten immediately at the word 'snacks' and Ray thanks heaven for the millionth time for granting him the privilege of being married to Rose Molina. His wife leads them all over to a bench, where she'd left her large purse. She produces crackers and string cheese after a minute of digging around. Ray and Rose had learned soon after having Julie that the number one rule of having little kids was to always have food on hand.

Reggie takes some string cheese and starts tearing it open happily. Julie grabs for the crackers. Carlos whines a little and Rose laughs.

"Don't worry, you can eat too, mijo," she tells him, unbuttoning her shirt enough that he can nurse.

Ray chuckles and settles on the ground with the kids, listening to their very serious discussion about the merits of different snack foods. He wonders if Reggie lives close enough that the two could play together again, under less stressful circumstances. They were getting along pretty well so far.

Just then, Ray hears someone yelling. He looks up to see a man storming towards the playground. The guy might be taller than Ray, and definitely a lot broader. Rose, Reggie, and Julie notice the commotion a moment later.

"Dad!" Reggie exclaims, jumping up. "Dad, I'm over here!"

The man, Rob Peters apparently, turns slowly. His angry expression doesn't soften when he sees his son. "What're you doing over there?!" he demands, crossing his arms. "What have I told you about talking to strangers."

Reggie hangs his head. "I'm sorry, they were being nice," he mumbles.

"I don't care," Rob Peters snaps. "Get in the car."

Ray finally unfreezes and jumps to his feet. "Ah, you must be Reggie's dad," he says, taking a step towards the man and trying for a friendly smile. "I'm Ray, we were helping Reg-"

"I don't care who you are," Rob Peters barks. He takes a few steps forward and grabs Reggie by the arm. "We're going home, kid."

And then they're gone before Ray can get another word out. Reggie manages a little wave over his shoulder. Ray slowly turns back to his family to find them all staring after Reggie as well. Rose glances back at him and their eyes lock.

Ray knows they're in agreement. They're going to mention this to Victoria soon.

[genderqueerdykes]

Hey - sorry if this is weirdly personal (on my end, that is!) but I’m a nonbinary trans masc individual. I’m an adult, I work and pay rent and get exhausted with property management companies when they won’t fix my broken heating system. I came out to my mother when I was 12-13 - although since I wasn’t online and didn’t have many friends who were either I didn’t know about the term nonbinary - and told her I ‘didn’t feel like I was a girl.’

I’m wanting to come out. Getting mis gendered everyday sucks, not being seen sucks and so much is outside my realm of control that this one little thing, to tell people ‘Actually I’m not a woman at all, here’s my pronouns and name thanks’ is the dream. It’s something I can conceivably do! Except I feel old. I feel old and on top of that I feel like I would lose a lot of my connections both personally and professionally. My unofficial job is doing video game and animation voice acting. The only people to whom I’m out irl are my cousin and one of the animators I work with. They’re lovely but they’re only two people. Lately my problems with gender have increased exponentially and the only gender therapist in my COUNTY said ‘Yes young women tend to distance themselves from their womanhood when they’ve been mistreated by men’ (I’m paraphrasing but I also don’t wanna be triggering, if you understand). And she wouldn’t help me. I don’t know what to do or if I should do anything at all! Technically I know there’s no wrong age to come out, but it feels like the more years I stay in the closet the harder it’s gonna be when I do - and I really want to, it’s chewing me up. I’m scared, I suppose, especially since I don’t “look” nonbinary/trans masc (according to my image issues and quite a few younger people I’ve met in the community who say I’ve got it easy since nobody knows I’m trans). I don’t know, I’m already rambling on enough. Do you have any advice, anything at all? I’ll take it. If not, totally get it, it’s a long winded message.

Either way, have a lovely evening and enjoy yourself. Cheers!

damn dude... i get a lot of messages like this and they really speak to me, because i was once a closeted transmasc nonbinary person from a very small rural area (the town i was born in/the towns i lived in afterward were all around 1,000 people in terms of population) itching and trying so hard to come out but not knowing where to start or what to do

i wanted to say that i'm very sorry that it's so hard for you to come out, especially considering that your job involves your voice. that must be so difficult. i was trying to get into voice acting before i transitioned and people were trying so hard to get me to record lines before i started T and it was causing so much dysphoria. i understand how hard that must be

this might sound really weird, but hear me out. if you aren't sure if you can socially transition, if you're not comfortable coming out to a group of friends or family or whatever yet, come out to yourself. whenever you're alone, do gender affirming things. do things in your spare time that allow you to be who you are. come out to any online friends that you have and be yourself with them, too, and be aggressive about using the correct name, identity and pronouns. i know coming out online isn't the same, but it helps when you are very adamant with it.

become comfortable with being your real self first. then you can show the people in your life who you really are. it'll be easier if you're confident when you come out. coming out as nonbinary is never easy, but if you have a good footing in who you are, and are referring to yourself by the correct name, pronouns, and presenting how you like, it'll be easy to imprint that on to others with confidence

i'd say try to find ANY queer peers in your area that you can. ANY within your age range, try to see if you can find a gay/straight, pride, or lgbt alliance, or see if there is a transgender resource center, or other transgender center. colleges will usually have some type of queer pride group and queer resources. if you are of the appropriate age, you can try to see if there are trans and drag events at local gay bars and work your way up from there. you may even have to reach out to neighboring bigger cities or even other states. i ended up moving across the country before i could have access to hormones and whatnot, to a much bigger city with a larger population.

my heart goes out to you, i hope you're able to find a way to transition that's comfortable and safe for you, that allows you to do what you need to do to achieve your happiness. if you need to take a break from your current line of work, i support that, but i also support not wanting to. you do need to do what's right for you in the end, whatever that means. i hope you can be a happier version of you, and let the world know who you are safely, and at a pace that works for you and your situation. take care, stay safe, hope to hear from you again!

[legion-gringo]

// this is heavy and personal //

It's supposed to be my 4 year HRTiversary but something happened.

A few months back I stopped feeling as much like a girl, then I started taking T as well as E, then I stopped taking E, then I stopped wearing women's clothing then I stopped wearing makeup. I might go back to E/being a girl at a later date, but I might not.

Now I wear suits, use the men's toilets, go by he him pronouns, and I'm happy - or as happy as I was as a girl. I still feel trans, but I'm not really transfeminine at this point, and I'm clearly not transmasc either.

I don't think i count as transmisogyny affected, even. I just seem to most people like an effeminate gay man (they're not wrong, but it's more complicated than that, same as it is for anyone really)

I don't have any regrets - I look at my tits (small and perky) and I think they're neat. I like that estrogen gave me a softness and a connection to my emotions I had previously been lacking, but I like that T has given me the composure and poise to push back the tears and communicate to ppl how I feel instead of just falling apart and letting people see how I feel from that.

It's hard though. Am I detrans? Not really but I do make some people uncomfortable, I suspect. Or a joke that I could have made without a second thought suddenly becomes a minefield of "is he allowed to say that"

There's another detrans grifter in the media. This one is complaining that testosterone made him bald so he "may as well" keep being a guy even tho he regrets it. Fuckin idiot. Men go bald. If I go bald I think I'm gonna cry, (only I can't cry now.) Does this make me a hypocrite?

What's a HRTiversary anyway - it's a big deal for some, for others it's just "the earliest date possible they could get on hrt."

There's other people like me, irl and online, doing similar things - retransitioning rather than detransitioning - but I don't really feel that connected to them either. I know people desperate to tell you that they're a boy (but a girl really!!!!) and try and look as clocky as possible - this reads as weirdly transphobic against the tboys. There's a way to honor and appreciate trans beauty without fetishising clockiness, that's chasershit to me.

Idk where I'm going with this tbh. I don't really understand it but I am starting to resent the constant attempt by other trans people to categorise me into something safe, or at least nameable .

"so have you detransitioned"

"no"

"so you're still a girl"

"kind of but not really"

"are you a man?"

"yeah I guess"

"oh you're nonbinary"

"no"

"oh! You're genderfluid"

"idk no I don't think so"

"oh you're just nonbinary but you don't like the word"

"..."

It's funny as well how many people are completely in denial about what's happening in the same way that my family/coworkers were at the start of my first transition.

*turns up to a party in a suit*

"gurl you look amazing"

*uses men's bathrooms*

"wow she's so fierce"

*gently corrects misgendering*

"Hun you are so butch"

What I've really learned as well is how fuckin godawful girlie culture is from the outside. You go to a trans night in London and everyone's making the same tired jokes about praise kinks and headpats, catgirls and thighhighs, whether they're 19 or 50. Some stranger tried to pat my head at a punk gig my girlfriend was playing back in april and I told her to go fuck herself. If I tried that now I'd probably get booted from the community. Fuckin hell we got Imogen Binnie, Lou Sullivan, yknow there's actual cool parts of The Culture that you can engage with/riff on (like Jackie Ess did with Darryl and its links to Nevada) - why are we content with memes about sword lesbians and blahaj?

I'm part of the problem, too! I did that stupid "gifted boy to burnout girl with a praise kink" post from last year that I've seen go around twitter, Facebook, insta, tiktok, I'm feeding the cultural rot.

I fully expect to lose followers over this, cause it's upsetting to hear. i avoided detransitioners (still not a word i identify with) like the plague ever since i transitioned, not just cause they're normally creepy and weird but i think i genuinely believed that they'd somehow social-contagion me (Torrey Peters is occasionally capable of making a salient point, turns out!)

Anyway whatever. Burn it all down. Love and solidarity to my trans siblings, if this is creepy and weird to hear, catch you on the flipside in like 6 months when i get bored of this and go back to being a girlie

[torireactstohdgstories]

Lost & Found by Darkfalli - Chapter 10 : Daybreak

Click here to see the story

"I really hoped that I explained it all correctly." Sounds correct enough to me x) To be fair, it must not be easy explaining something you remember only part of. Must feel like trying to tell a dream but even worse.

And also, it's something they didn't know was possible so now they're all worried. Imagine someone telling you their new antidepressants or insuline pump has a conscience.

Aw! Implant can talk to her and hug her mentally!

"I felt like a continuation of that gay girl. The same couldn't be said about the sad one." Hmmm, yeah, I'm not sure how I feel about that. I mean, it's good Evie feels happy now, but to feel like nothing but a continuation of a part of your past self sounds very extreme. I guess you're technically always a continuation of your past self, but you're supposed to feel like yourself, even if you keep changing all the time. Not sure if I'm clear right now.

"We mentally cuddled." I chuckled, that is so cute x)

"I'm going to need a little private time with you to make sure everything went smoothly and to get to know your implant." Oh? Is she going to use hypnosis to talk to Implant ?

Aw, we didn't get to see it...

XD I love Evie's surprise at her own face being the same Implant had in her dream.

Omg, Abies being a little shit and putting paint everywhere XD

"Art evolves and changes with us. Who we are when we start a piece and who we are when finishing one are often times worlds apart…" That's a lovely way to put it.

It's sweet that Evie is worried about Abies acting differently for her. And Implant is so cute when she gets all flustered from compliments !

It must be weird seeing yourself all drugged up when you don't feel it.

Holy crap, three weeks is a long time to be out.

Oh, she likes dresses! Me too! Dresses are the best! ^^

Huh, there's some objectification kink in there. I mean, Evie wants to be a robot doll so it makes sense.

Hah, I love how every time there is introspection it turns into Evie trying her best to flirt with Implant.

Must feel so nice, being bathed by someone else and touched all over ^^

Oh, aw, Implant is having trouble processing her first bath XDD Oh gosh, that is so cute.

Ew, lacy underwear. I mean, it is pretty to look at and I guess the Affini managed to make it comfortable somehow, but gods the ones irl are scratchy.

Omg her new dress sounds so freaking cute!

What does a companion dress look like anyway???? What's the specificity? What's the difference between a companion dress and a regular dress???? I can't seem to find a consensus anywhere.

*gasp!* The skirt goes swoosh! Those are the best!!!!

Aw, they're gonna sleep in a box because they are kitties!!

Okay, how do they manage to be this cute and fluffy and utdlhckpgufugd (yeah, I can do that too)

They're doing the body paint right away? Wow. I mean, no time like the present but it's still pretty fast. I'd need to plan an afternoon around it if I were to try that.

It's cute that Abies can give Implant orders out loud, but don't the Affini have other methods of doing that? Is it a way to acknowledge Implant as a sophont?

It's so cute that Abies shares what he's doing with the rest of their... I want to say family, that's what they feel like. They're a big complexe polycule but it's obvious how much they care about each other.

Anyway, that group chat? So sweet and relatable.

I wish I could see art of that painting!

He painted Implant??! Did not expect that! Wow! Aw, that's so sweet!

~

This was absolutely lovely, I really liked the painting scene. The way Evie's feelings are described is so nice, if a little wordy at times, but I like that kind of style. The way she feels so blissful being an object, being adorned and made into art, very intense and yet understandable. It reminds me of the rare times I allowed my sister or my friend to put makeup on me x) Ngl, I kinda want to try bodypainting after reading this x)

[ughwhyislifelikethis]

Guess I might as well do this here since it's a bit more personal/honest than I might want some irl friends to see - and bc I don't want to have to discuss it with them, frankly. I'd rather not lose a friendship over this even though it causes me to be somewhat hurt or whatever. I know, it's not healthy, I should probably not stay friends or whatever, etc but my autistic finally not bullied and excluded ass kinda refuses to be lonely rn and at the end of the day frankly it's not worth it for me personally. Could probably say something about how "saying something about shitty treatment could cause friendships to break up is shit and the queer community needs to do better etc l" but eh. Not the point.

Also, the wording in this is messy, it's long-winded, it is not explicit in exclusions and if I tried to hit every point of "by this I do not mean this specific form of discussion that falls under bigotry" it would be too fucking long, and it is already. So if you're gonna be like "Mra! you're being transmisogynist!" Or soemthing (I have no idea how you're gonna get transmisogyny from this considering I literally only talk about this in the context of cis people's views on me as a transmasculine person and I do my best to avoid things that could be interpreted badly so that that doesn't happen but watch it happen somehow. The mra thing I could see how twisting my words here could get but I do not and will not ever excuse or condone bigotry or sexism or etc under the guise of "MRA bullshit". Just bc I'm saying maybe you should think critically about how cis men are expected and asked to behave in society and how that affects them does not mean I'm saying go fix them or excuse the shitty behavior exhibited.)

I think that covers all of it, idk. Don't really care with how damn long this is and y'know, it being a vent post that's secondarily maybe helpful for explaining experiences to others and also for getting stuff worked out in my own head.

Anyways. My actual point.

I really do think some of the reason it took me so damn long to realize I was trans and specifically a trans guy is because of transandrophobia I heard offline and online. To be crystal clear - the people I'm talking about hearing it from were fucking cis. Hell, even I used to derogatorily mutter "boys" in middle school because the cis boys in my class were assholes and I wasn't great at the whole "wider picture thing". I'd barely started coming into my own awareness - honestly I think it had started fifth grade when I actually felt like a fucking person. My memories kinda really start there - everything else earlier is a blur. Saying "girls" in the same way felt wrong, bc it is, and also highlights the if it's wrong for one why exactly isn't it wrong for the other? so I didn't do it more than a few times, but I also was very confused for a while as to why I felt a separation from the things, why I didn't feel lumped in with the girls "like I should".

Again, I digress. I was saying how I as a middle schooler used to buy into the whole "fuck (not literally) boys" thing that's really popular at that age. Or maybe that was me. Idk, being ace also affected things. (The correct thing to do there would be to actually address the bullying and shit not just ignore it bc the victim is an autistic adhd middle schooler with very few coping skills and a severe lack of ability to mask.) (Also the whole "he bullies you bc he likes you is a whole topic I could probably go into about how no parties deserve that excuse bc it teaches young cis boys extremely unhealthy behaviors and also teaches cis girls that they should take it bc it's a crush, etc but again not the point. I'm ADHD, did I mention that?)

Okay. Hopefully onto the rest of my point.

Growing up afab, I was taught a lot about how "boys are". They're mean because they crush on you, you wont be chastised for saying something derogatory about an entire group of people (who aren't doing it bc of their gender but because they're assholes and the teachers didn't feel like stopping them from being assholes. Or something. There's probably an intersection of ableism there truth be told), you won't be allowed to play hockey but do figure skating it's safer! (And less boyish). Don't be like your tomboy cousins, they're gonna have to grow out of it and we'll reward that behavior when it occurs and push for less of tomboyish behavior too. Shave your legs, wear dresses, don't "look like a boy."

Don't try and "look like a boy". Not just because apparently I'm supposed to be a "girl" but "don't look like a boy."

Apparently, It's gross. Unhygenic, don't you know boys never clean up after themselves? It's undesirable to look like a boy as an afab person but ultimately for me it was taboo to even want to look like a boy.

And like, I get that there's the whole patriarchy thing and that rich cis white abled men who have no other form of intersectional oppression issues tend to be in power and all that. I'm not disputing that.

But for trans men, or at least, this one?

I was told it was bad to look like a boy or to want anything to do with being one.

And I think, honestly, there was an implied "it's a step down for you" with it.

And maybe that had something to do with growing up when a lot of the "girl power! Stuff was taking off". Maybe parents, teachers, etc were just trying to honesly say I didn't need to "step up" to be worthwhile because girls aren't lesser, and that's true. No gender inherently (structure of the world aside, in a world where bigotry isn't a thing etc) is better or worse than any other.

But I didn't hear "I don't need to step up".

I heard "you shouldn't step down, because you're valuable as you are and this would be leaving that all behind for the "easy" road of cis privilege" . And yeah, I have and always will benefit from white privilege, and able-bodied, unless something changes and I'm no longer able-bodied. But I will never be seen as either non queer (deliberately, because I want to be a safe place for queer kids to find, or for queer people in general looking for a friend) or noncis, probably. I'll never, ever be "stepping up". There's a good chance I'll always read something, because I'm autistic, I'm queer, I'm ADHD, and something will probably ring cis people's bells to say "something is off".

And I didn't - don't, as much as I'm working through it - want to "step down". It is so tempting to just recloset myself and live with the dysphoria and go after the scholarships I see aimed at cis women, the internships for that. But I can't. Because I can't even imagine just. Even stepping toward the closet. I couldn't keep the lie that I'm cis and a women up. Pandora's box was opened and I am unable to close it.

So I'll never benefit from those. And I'm stuck in the position where I can't seek out the trans specific ones because I'm not out to my parent, who I live with. And I love him to death, I do, but hearing "why do you want to look like a boy" from him hurts so damn much.

This got really long, sorry. I'm almost done.

I mentioned way above, how I used to mutter "boys" when I thought boys were being ridiculous and stupid or whatever. I've heard my friends say "men" like that and it stings, every time. Do you really think that I'm like this asshole you're talking about? That specific man is an asshole, true, but I can point you to 3 others off the top of my head who aren't. And I know there's a shit ton of shitty men out there. The point is I'm upset you automatically assume that I'm one of them even if you don't really realize that. I'm a man. I'm not cis, but I'm a man. You will pass me on the street and if you don't see the trans, you'll lump me in with the other men in your head who you will toss out a derogatory "why are men?" To.

So maybe it's a struggle because I know causing a fuss to that will get a "I'm talking about cis men" which isn't actually better. I'm a man cis or not and cis men can be good, actually. I know a good few and I'm sick of knowing that even saying that gets seen as "not all men!" Type bullshit. No, maybe I just want you to not assume my cis guy friends aren't total pieces of shit because they were born cis men. Maybe I hesitate(d) to label myself a man because I know that will downgrade their opinion on me, consciously or otherwise, if I made it a point for them to remember it.

I've definitely lost a few trains of thoughts I wanted to post somejwre here and there but anyways. Yeah. Here's a vent post and here's why the form of transphobia I specifically face because I am a trans MAN is a thing I deal with and would like to stop hearing that it doesn't exist.

I think I may make a post about how the whole concept of viewing the other gender as alien or another species isn't/wasn't just limited to cis boys about cis girls and how that ties into transandrophobia specifically (it also ties into transmisogyny I think? But I'm gonna talk about it/ramble about it in the context of transandrophobia) next but it definitely won't fit here cause this is too long already.

[punkscowardschampions]

Janis & Jimmy

Janis: you're such a twat Janis: 👊🖕😡 Jimmy: bit rude Janis: what's rude is I'm stuck in biology Jimmy: tell 'em there's nowt they can teach you Jimmy: I've already done it, like Janis: gross Janis: but detention would probably beat this Janis: none of the skeleton army would be in there, at least, even if it's one of the less annoying ones Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: not like getting sent out is any sort of challenge Jimmy: or owt you need me for Jimmy: but I'm here without my muse 💔🎻💔 Janis: school trips are forced fun Janis: but I ain't feeling sorry for you Jimmy: come on Jimmy: gimme a bit Janis: get me something from the gift shop and I'll consider it Janis: #peakromance that Jimmy: duh Jimmy: saved my tips for days Janis: 😍😍😍 Janis: buzzin', love keyrings, me Jimmy: funny that 'cause I've never seen you use a key to get in anywhere Janis: exactly, like serial killer trophies for all the houses I've violated Janis: 😈 Jimmy: 😍😍😍 Janis: Seriously though Janis: how wank is it Jimmy: what's the scale? Janis: Hmm, good question, boy Janis: assuming we're talking about quality, let's say best case is that weird thing you did that one time that felt so good you're scared to do it again and become a fulltimedeviantTM and worst case is like finishing in a sock you'd already ruined earlier and forgot about Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: real poet you are Jimmy: gonna steal them words for my tripadvisor review in a bit tah Jimmy: it don't matter I still want you to show your face down here for me Jimmy: 🏃 girl 🏃 Janis: always the way Janis: should be making my own art but full time occupation 'inspiring' you Janis: that said, I don't think your teach is so concerned about your art suffering she'll forget I ain't in her class, like Jimmy: you are art baby Jimmy: can't call it a gallery if you ain't hanging around Jimmy: lots of other knobheads are though, get lost in a crowd and find me, barely a challenge Janis: 🙄 you are ridiculous Janis: but I get it, gotta have me on the wall asap Janis: I am really fucking bored Jimmy: direct quote me when you tweet later 💕 Jimmy: the 1 correction being against the wall Janis: performance art Janis: how bold of you 😏 Jimmy: can't let you stay bored Jimmy: ain't #goals Janis: true Janis: move fast in this place Janis: go away for one day and your 👑 is taken like that Jimmy: good thing you're such an athlete then, babe Janis: say I'm thinking about it Janis: I reckon you'd owe me Janis: more than a keyring, like Jimmy: alright Janis: you must really miss me Jimmy: shut up, I said alright Jimmy: are you thinking about what you want or just how you're getting here? Janis: maybe I wanted you to say you miss me sooooooo much and you've really shit the bed there, mate Jimmy: do you? Janis: you're alright Janis: I'm just getting chucked out Jimmy: 🏆💪 Janis: just saying, if I SOS you now, you've got no out 'cos I'm saving you, yeah Jimmy: weren't gonna say fuck off to an SOS anyway, IOU or nah, was I? Jimmy: not very romantic that Janis: 💕 Janis: always nice to use a bit of coercion and control though, however necessary Janis: keeps it fresh, babe Jimmy: 💌 got it in writing there Jimmy: you're saving me, I'll save you right back Janis: so quotable today, you Janis: you're meant to be all visual Janis: 📷=1000 you know Jimmy: keeping it fresh like you said Jimmy: besides Jimmy: [sends her a pic of a half done done drawing of her he's working on instead of what he's meant to be doing] Jimmy: 🎨 = 1000 euros easy, mate Janis: damn Janis: I'm on my way Janis: you didn't have to be actually talented and cute about it Jimmy: 💕 Jimmy: don't run too fast I've gotta finish and stick it up on a bit of blank wall first Janis: I won't Janis: even if I'll admit I have missed seeing your face about here, like Jimmy: it's the accent really Jimmy: I get it Jimmy: paddy lingo gets a bit samey when it's not !!!!!!!!!!!! Janis: yeah, your dulcet tones really do it for me Janis: what can I say? nice not having to pretend I can understand what you're chatting Jimmy: I know but tah for putting it on record Janis: you ain't allowed to put that in any sort of review, soz Jimmy: I won't, you can do better Janis: I'd say thanks for the faith but we all know you're just being cocky Jimmy: don't sound like me that Janis: no? Janis: sorry, who am I speaking to again Jimmy: 👻 lad Jimmy: cause of 💀 that brutal bit of #bants Janis: oh right, casper well can you get someone in here who is a bit cocky Janis: no offense but you're too nice for me, like Jimmy: 💔💔 Janis: see what I mean Jimmy: so demanding you Janis: yeah and what Jimmy: not part of the deal, were it? Janis: what wasn't? Jimmy: owt #ungoals Janis: do YOU know who you're talking to rn Jimmy: hang on, I'll get it Jimmy: starts with a J? Janis: 🖕 Janis: dickhead 😏 Jimmy: I do miss you Jimmy: no need to get a big head or make it weird but just Janis: I know Jimmy: do you know now's when you say it back Janis: I said it earlier! Janis: weren't you listening Jimmy: and what you're live tweeting? that character limit'll fuck you every time, gutted Janis: just saying Janis: we're even Janis: but I'll say it again if you want me to win, like Jimmy: how's that work? if you say it again I win Jimmy: it's me that wants to hear it Janis: rude that you want me to lose then Janis: but it don't feel like losing to me so Janis: I missed you Janis: more than I should, I reckon Jimmy: 🥇 or nowt Jimmy: nowt personal Jimmy: and I reckon you miss me the decent amount considering, like Janis: it's cool, I get to be #1 best gf ever and you can read about the shit job you're doing in my subtweets, like Janis: and what was that about not getting a big head? 🤔 Jimmy: do as I say not as I do, girl Jimmy: the northern approach to dating there for yous Janis: how's that worked for you so far Janis: #toosoon? Jimmy: 💔💀💀💔 Jimmy: #savage Janis: just sayin' Janis: don't reckon you should be going to your da for that advice Jimmy: too soon for me to be lining up the next girls who might fall for the looking at 'em instead of the paintings bollocks? Janis: 'course not Janis: got your pick of the art hoes, they'll lap it up Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: I'll crack on then Janis: I'll go home then Jimmy: I'll meet you there in a bit then Janis: 😑 Jimmy: it's alright save your enthusiasm for the IRL Janis: you're so annoying Jimmy: 💕 Janis: do you want me there or what 'cos I'm out Jimmy: do you wanna be here or what? Janis: obviously Janis: sounds like a blast Jimmy: so come on Janis: don't be a twat Jimmy: join the fun Janis: awh, you think I'm not always a twat Janis: how sweet Jimmy: you might have a couple of decent mins per day Janis: 💕 Jimmy: [snap] Janis: was about to say can't say the same for you but at least you're funny Janis: 😂 Jimmy: 😘 Janis: soz to break up your suck sesh but already on the bus so Jimmy: she'll be done soon Jimmy: no energy Janis: draining yours boy Jimmy: if she ends up swallowing my soul have a word with your god for me Jimmy: weren't my fault Jimmy: 🤞 she'll spit Janis: that's exactly the kinda sentiment that's keeping you out of heaven Janis: I ain't ruining my chances, soz Jimmy: 🎻🎻 Jimmy: have to keep badgering you for that 💀 death pact, eh, Juliet Jimmy: doing yourself in still a sin, yeah? Janis: last I checked Janis: he's not doing edits still, like Janis: 'less you wanna join one of those weird ones Jimmy: 👌👍 Jimmy: #datenight is still on 🔥💕 Janis: 😂 Janis: got a whole list to get through Jimmy: [sends her a pic of that drawing of her finished and stuck to the wall cos he's a nerd] Jimmy: just wiped my to do one til you get here Janis: Impressed Janis: but only a few minutes away so don't pat yourself on the back too hard yet Jimmy: 😏 Jimmy: why would I when I've got you to do it for me Janis: not what I had in mind but alright Jimmy: gotta keep that one track mind of yours on a heavenly track, babe Jimmy: not gonna be your ruin unless you ask for it Janis: but I don't wanna talk Janis: or pray Jimmy: if you look like you're praying that might get the job done Jimmy: try it Janis: boy Jimmy: What? Janis: I'm trying to focus here Jimmy: if you ain't up for the challenge Janis: shut up Janis: 'course I am Jimmy: don't sound like it Janis: you want me to do it now Janis: I was waiting 'til I got there but alright Jimmy: alright, shut up Janis: not really feeling the randoms on this bus but you know Jimmy: hang on, I'll get the orchestra Janis: got a few stops for someone hot to get on Janis: don't cry for me yet Jimmy: but I'm so close to tears Janis: I'll get you there baby Janis: 💕💔 Jimmy: #ultimategoals Janis: you know it Janis: so 🍀 you Jimmy: [tweets something extra about how lucky he is lol] Jimmy: now they know it an' all Jimmy: so welcome you Janis: 😏 Janis: so whipped too but can keep that between us Jimmy: 👍 Janis: right, coming in, where are you lot so I can avoid Jimmy: I'll do a slow mo run to the entrance Jimmy: 1 sec Janis: if anyone asks, I don't know you Jimmy: kissing strangers is fun, don't blame you Janis: try not to let on that you're that bored already Jimmy: 🤐 Jimmy: can stay between me and you Janis: can't let the fans down, like Jimmy: [appears and kisses her really dramatically only for the fans tho obvs] Janis: [sure guys lmao] Jimmy: [take your excuse to be really extra boy cos the fans are gonna love this can't deny it] Janis: ['hey, stranger'] Jimmy: [😏 and more kisses because always] Janis: ['come on then' like lead the way so we aren't just in the entrance like hello] Jimmy: [casual hand holding moment obvs he leads her to pose with the drawing cos we can pretend that's for the fans but really he wants it off the wall cos don't think its that good, oh boy I feel you] Janis: [such a proud little nerd face] Jimmy: [lowkey can't look at it or the bae so good thing he's 📷] Janis: [looks at the pics and does a 👍 too] Jimmy: [take the pic down and run to another part of this gallery] Janis: [when you're doing your best serious art appreciation impression looking at all the paintings like 🤔] Jimmy: [just loling at her cos you're already having more fun in these few mins than you have the whole time you've been there so far] Janis: [shushing him dramatically, probably making more noise than his lol 'this is a museum, show some respect'] Jimmy: [giving her a look like make me and saying 'or what?' as standard] Janis: [you know those doublesided benches they always have in the middle, casually pushing him down on that for a lap makeout moment] Jimmy: [such a mood, not soz other visitors] Janis: just getting tuts from the random old people who loiter everywhere in the day lmao] Jimmy: [doing the most to annoy them even more when he hears the disapproval cos 100% that bitch] Janis: Same honestly Janis: like don't test 'em lmao Janis: [] Jimmy: [so well suited you two] Janis: ['can I keep it?' the pic, obvs] Jimmy: [takes it out of his pocket and puts it into hers] Janis: ['big head, like' but really you just like it 'cos he did it] Jimmy: [kisses her on the head 'you can pull it off'] Janis: ['nerd' but kisses him back and it's way more soft than before when she was going in] Jimmy: [we love a soft moment] Janis: ['it's so boring when you're not there...and shit' Jimmy: ['should've taken art' gestures around with an unimpressed face 'never boring that'] Janis: ['I can see' 😏 'well if I knew there was gonna be a hot new boy, OBVIOUSLY I'd have picked different'] Jimmy: ['I get it, even a know it all like you weren't gonna see me coming, that #special, like' but kissing her neck as he says it all cos we both know he thinks she's sooo special bye] Janis: ['Obviously, new boy' #intoit and moving his hands to around her waist] Jimmy: [pulling her closer to him 5ever as he carries on] Janis: ['Okay, okay, I really missed you'] Jimmy: [makes a happy sound because can't not] Janis: [kissing his ear so she can whisper not 'cos she gives a fuck about anyone else here, clearly, but 'cos vulnerable so gotta say it quiet if you're gonna, 'it was like before when I didn't know you, or when you weren't here and I hated it'] Jimmy: [probably can't pull her any closer but tries to and holds her really tightly because not going anywhere and just the softest kisses ever] Janis: [shaking her head like pull yourself together bitch and changing the pace] Jimmy: [going with it cos he gets it being vulnerable is shit and hard]] Jimmy: [I can just imagine some art hoe putting them on her stories like she don't even take art!] Janis: [she doesn't even go here, regardless being like 'come on' 'cos take me somewhere we can actually do this] Jimmy: [should we let them actually leave? cos better option than bathrooms and the point of her showing up has been made] Janis: [why not, live ur dreams kids] Jimmy: [getting in trouble together is their thing] Janis: [hell yeah it is, and being talk of the town #standard] Jimmy: [1000% several art hoes saw them going into the bathroom and we know it] Janis: [gossipy hoes, even if none of the actual squad take it, some of their lesser friends blates do for the fashun vibe] Jimmy: [get in the gift shop after and piss about and shade their art hoe aesthetic] Janis: [all the socials lmao] Jimmy: [he steals her a keyring cos not gonna spend money but she's gotta have one] Janis: [💕 tbh] Jimmy: [now go have some actual fun and alone time kids]