#give me a hammer and i will FIX the plot of the videogame

[potatoesandsunshine]

fallout four is the most 'could've been' game in my mind. all the pieces are there. oh but the plot...

[hinadoria]

Title: like nobody’s business

Author: hinadoria / Twitter: @bunniepunk / AO3: bunnypunk

Rating: Teen

Warnings: Mild amounts of swearing

Summary: Shen Yuan had never known what to do about crying people, much less crying men asleep in his bed at ass o’clock in the middle of the night. God, if Jiu-ge knew about this, Shen Yuan would be six feet under. No, he’d be yeeted directly into hell’s abyss. Arguably though, this was all Jiu-ge’s fault.

AO3: Link

It started when his old roommate Shang Qinghua decided to get hitched at Shen Yuan’s 25th birthday party. Disregarding the fact that it was his birthday party in his apartment that he was paying for (Shang Qinghua was only there to keep an eye on him at Jiu-ge’s ever insistent demands), an increasingly hammered Shang Qinghua had decided it was the perfect time to propose to his disappointingly sober boyfriend.

“My LORd, have yOU EvEr ThoughT about Getting HitchED?!” he shouted in Mobei-Jun’s face. Shen Yuan saw the wince on Mobei-Jun’s face before he could smooth it away. Airplane-Bro had that effect on people. Even his boyfriend was no exception.

However, Mobei-Jun had silently pulled the biggest ring Shen Yuan had ever seen out of his pocket like it was a dimension to worlds unknown. Shang Qinghua yanked it out of his grasp, put it on, and immediately started sobbing loudly in his boyfriend's arms, effectively ruining the atmosphere.

If it wasn’t because Shen Yuan was already secretly plotting to escape to his room, he might have been significantly more miffed at this sequence of events.

After all, he had never been one for big, lavish events like a formal birthday party. He’d much rather spend it in the comfort of his room, maybe playing videogames with a few close friends. However, Jiu-ge had insisted, in that stubborn way of his, taking no arguments. As a result, Shen Yuan wasn’t sure he even knew half the people at his own party.

This all didn’t mean he was completely free of indignation, however. Shen Yuan cleared his throat pointedly, but was ignored by both the affectionate couple and the crowd of people politely applauding.

It was a testament to Mobei-Jun’s excitement, if he was a man that felt such emotions, that he leaped up onto the table, which creaked dangerously with his weight.

“I’d like to thank my dear friends and my soon-to-be best man who supported me through this time. Whom I wouldn’t have met without Shen Yuan’s recommendation to work at Cang Qiong’s internship program under Shen Jiu. So a heartfelt thanks to them both,” Mobei-Jun proclaimed.

The attention of the party turned to its host, who began to turn hot under all the attention.

Damn, it wasn’t as if he was Mother Teresa.

He had simply wanted to stop hearing Jiu-ge’s nagging complaints about a lack of competent interns at his company. And he knew that Airplane-bro’s boyfriend was just about to graduate. It was simple math.

Either way, he had to resolve this situation before Mobei-Jun broke the table or worse, made him give a speech. He quickly grabbed an abandoned glass from the table and raised it high. With raucous cheer, the party returned to full swing, and Shen Yuan strategically retreated to his bedroom.

The next day, Shang Qinghua had all but been moved out of his apartment (Mobei-Jun worked fast and efficiently. Shen Yuan had been begrudgingly impressed). In the midst of his soporific haze, a loud banging came from his front door. Reluctant to get up, Shen Yuan nevertheless used every last bit of his willpower to do so. When he opened the door however, he immediately found himself in deep regret.

A pale Jiu-ge, like Bloody Mary summoned from a dirty elementary school bathroom mirror, stood at his door, foot tapping a mile a minute. He stormed past Shen Yuan into his apartment and curled his mouth in distaste at the mess.

“This apartment is no longer acceptable. I’ve put up with it until now, but this is the last straw. It is imperative that you move out immediately to a place not infested by the stench of the poor,” Jiu-ge demanded. Shen Yuan would never tell him it was probably the week-old ramen stewing on his kitchen counter.

“But I don’t want to, Jiu-ge, please!” he whined. Like most things regarding his older brother, would eventually yield, but would put up a valiant effort nonetheless. No one had the right to accuse him of being a pushover, after all.

Jiu-ge sat down at his oily counter with a sigh, hands flying up to bury themselves in his messy hair.

Shen Yuan immediately felt guilty.

His brother looked a lot less put-together than he usually was, now that he was looking more closely. His shirt was unbuttoned and his makeup was smudged, both facets of his appearance he usually controlled with meticulous determination.

“Please don’t fight me on this, A-Yuan.” His brother looked back at him, and Shen Yuan could see the weariness in his eyes.

“Is everything okay?” asked Shen Yuan. He tapped his fingers nervously.

“It will be,” Jiu-ge answered immediately as if he had expected this question. “Once I get a good night’s sleep.” Shen Yuan moved to sit by his brother.

“Mobei-Jun proposed to Shang Qinghua yesterday,” he offered. This made the crease between Jiu-ge’s brows deeper further.

“At your birthday party?”

“I know, I was shocked too!”

“Rude bastard. I knew nothing good could come out of that tight-knit group of rascals the company foisted on me.”

“Don’t be like that. I bet you secretly appreciate their help, big softie.” Shen Yuan poked at his brother’s cheek, and giggled when Jiu-ge pretended to bite at him. A small smile appeared on his brother’s face, and Shen Yuan rejoiced at the sight. He felt like he deserved an award for Best Brother of the Year.

“I suppose they suffice at times.” Jiu-ge wrinkled his nose like he had thought of something particularly disgusting. “Well. Almost all of them,” he huffed. He shook his head when Shen Yuan looked at him in question. But Best Brother of the Year did not do things half-heartedly.

“I know how to cheer you up even more,” Shen Yuan decided then and there.

That was how Shen Yuan found himself moved into the expensive nouveau-riche apartment complex next door to his brother on the third floor. All things considered, it wasn’t too bad. Jiu-ge was too busy to check up on him more than once a week in person, although the daily calls to his office phone were still a requirement.

Shen Yuan had always been a homebody, there was no denying that. As long as he could coop up in his room reading and editing trashy novels, he didn’t care for the particulars of time or place, even if leaving his apartment and chancing upon another human made him feel like Oscar the Grouch having been caught outside of his trash can and committing a crime.

The point was: it had all been going just fine and dandy, until one day a shout disrupted Shen Yuan from his editing of one of Airplane’s terribly written papapa scenes. He roughly yanked open his curtains, hearing a rip in the plush blue velvet. Whatever, what Jiu-ge didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.

The scene which greeted him was one of darkness, which okay, he wasn’t quite expecting that but fine, it wasn’t the first time he had lost track of time doing this and that. Shivering, Shen Yuan stepped out onto his balcony and peered over the rails to see a very attractive, very drunk man holding a broken bottle of what looked like Xin Mo liquor.

“Shen Jiu, there you are, you fucking bastard. Fucking coward! What, too afraid to come and see your disgusting student Binghe on this beautiful night? You always thought you were above us mere mortals, didn’t you? I hope both sides of your pillow are always ice!”

Yikes, Shen Yuan thought privately.

This dude was hammered. Despite everything a laugh bubbled its way up his chest. He didn’t know his brother was so unpopular at work but with a sour face like his, he should’ve expected. Briefly, the thought of pretending to be his brother just to hear more of the entertaining insults crossed his mind, but before he could open his mouth the man, probably named Binghe, went on.

“I bet you think you wake up just looking like an angel descended from the heavens! Well let me tell you, scumbag, that I curse you and your descendents to always have shaky eyeliner! Let’s see you keep up that hoity-toity look and scream at me when you come into work looking like a clown!”

Shen Yuan covered his eyes in horror. Not his eyeliner! He had to look sharp for the ladies.

“I fixed that stupid assignment one million times! Your nitpicking doesn’t even make sense anymore, you blind geezer! Come down here, if you’re not a coward and I’ll show you ...” Binghe paused, looking like he was gonna hurl.

“Show me what? You can’t leave me hanging like that, I won’t be able to sleep!” Shen Yuan shouted out, against his better judgement. He had already been collecting Binghe’s flavored insults to use against that traitor Shang Qinghua next time he saw him.

Binghe looked back up, with what seemed like confusion in his eyes, though it could have just been bleary drunkenness. To Shen Yuan’s horror, it looked like Binghe had tears in his eyes.

“All I wanted was for Laoshi to acknowledge me,” Binghe sobbed out. At this point Shen Yuan had missed his chance to tell the poor man that his brother was out of town on a business trip, and that Binghe was shouting at a stranger. He felt something in his chest squeeze at Binghe’s watery puppy dog eyes.

“Why does everyone look down on me?” Binghe cried. “I try so hard, over and over but all you do is scorn me … again and again! What do I have to do, just tell me, and I’ll do it. Anything! Just …” At this point the boy was choking on his sobs. Shen Yuan felt something shattering. He found himself walking down the stairs. He was going to go down and fetch him before the police were called, that was all, he told himself.

By the time he arrived on the cold grass ready to coax the drunkard, he found him passed out, clutching the broken bottle so hard his hand was bleeding. Shen Yuan sucked in a sharp breath.

“Alright buddy, let’s get you warmed up,” Shen Yuan said as he pried the glass from Binghe’s hand and used all his strength to haul him up and to the elevator.

He got several strange looks as he dragged an unconscious man across the fancy lobby, but Shen Yuan just snorted and ignored them. The people here had sticks so far up their ass they were getting free prostate massages. Shen Yuan stifled his laughter at his own wit in Binghe’s dead weighted shoulder and got a few more strange looks by the lady in the elevator. Halfway to Shen Yuan’s room, Binghe woke up and stared at Shen Yuan like he was an alien.

He struggled a bit and whined, “Laoshi, please don’t dropkick me into the Panama Canal, I promise I’ll be a good boy.”

Shen Yuan laughed and patted Binghe’s hair. “Go back to sleep, rowdy boy. We’ll talk in the morning.” It probably wasn’t because of his words, but Binghe managed to walk a few steps on his own before becoming dead weight on Shen Yuan again. He felt the breath knocked out of him.

“For someone who’s such a crybaby, you sure are … heavy!” Shen Yuan panted as he managed to drag Binghe into his apartment and throw him onto his bed. He shoddily wrapped up Binghe’s bleeding hand with several bandages. Novels may have taught him a lot, but he had surprisingly little practical knowledge when faced with a gash like Binghe’s in reality.

The fatigue of the night finally caught up with him as he saw Binghe’s peaceful sleeping face and he barely managed to do his nightly routine before sliding into his bed next to the unconscious person.

Shen Yuan was just about to drift away into sleep until he heard sniffling coming from the other man and turned around to see Binghe crying in his sleep.

And so was his current dilemma. Shen Yuan had no idea how to handle crying people. He stared dumbly for a few moments before kicking himself to do something, anything!

Shen Yuan wouldn’t do this for any random stranger that came knocking to his door, but luckily he had gleaned several useful tidbits of information from Binghe’s drunken speech. For example, he was likely one of Jiu-ge’s new interns at the large Cang Qiong Company he worked at, under the Qing Jing subsidiary. Second, Jiu-ge seemed to be giving the poor boy an extremely hard time, and Shen Yuan knew better than anyone just how sharp his brother’s acerbic tongue could be. Shen Yuan felt mildly responsible for cleaning up his brother’s mess.

Also, Binghe was terribly cute. He reminded Shen Yuan of the little puppy he used to play with in childhood, named Bingbing, after his favorite actress.

It was a combination of these facts, or none of them, that ultimately made Shen Yuan do what he did next; wrap his arms around Binghe and gently stroke his hair, murmuring comforting words to him until he stopped crying.

Somewhere along the way he found himself asleep as well.

Binghe awoke from his drunken stupor sometime between ass and fuck o’clock in the morning. His hand was covered in messily wrapped bandages.

When he saw the face of the person fast asleep next to him, he flinched backwards so hard he almost fell out of the bed.

What did I do last night? He wailed miserably in his head. A worst case scenario flashed through his head, and he made sure that both of them were clothed before exhaling a sigh of relief. That was the last time he let Mobei-Jun get him drunk, bachelor party be damned.

The last thing he remembered was accepting a glass full of alcohol in the bar he’d been dragged to, but everything afterwards was a blur. He didn’t remember how he walked all the way to his boss’s nouveau riche apartment, and he certainly didn’t remember how he ended up in bed with the man he was most fearful of.

There was one thing Binghe knew with full certainty, however; he had to escape this apartment immediately before he lost his job or worse: his life.

He had barely turned around and registered vaguely that the apartment was a lot sloppier than he’d expected of his avaricious boss before a sleepy hum made him freeze in his tracks.

“Mmm… Binghe?”

Binghe froze. Shen Jiu had never called him by name, it was always something along the lines of “scum” or “lad”.

Filled with trepidation, he turned to face his boss against his better judgement.

A sleepy smile stretched its way across the face of the person in front of him just as the morning’s rays peeked through the rip in the curtains and fell across his face.

Angelic, Binghe’s mind vaguely registered. Maybe he hadn’t come to his boss’s apartment after all. Maybe he had died and entered a realm different than the one he’d been in. Maybe he was already in heaven.

The angel’s face scrunched up cutely at the offending rays across his face. He glanced at the curtains before letting out a forlorn sigh.

“Jiu-ge’s gonna kill me for that …” sighed the angel across from Binghe.

Jiu-ge? Who’s that, I’ll fight him so you never have a frown on your pretty face ever again, Binghe thought blearily.

Mr. Angel noticed he was awake and smiled a crooked smile.

“Good morning. You were drunk and screaming outside my window last night, so I thought I’d do a public service and take you in before you hurt yourself, “ the angel laughed nervously. “Binghe is your name, right?”

Binghe nodded, feeling like his body was not his own. Then he had a thought.

“Wait … how do you know?”

The angel’s lips thinned, looking like he was trying really hard not to laugh. Oh, that was not a good sign.

“Well … You dropped your name in the middle of shouting about how you wished your boss’s food was too salty, among other things …”

The wave of relief that was about to pass through Binghe at realizing this person was likely not his boss aborted itself as it was overtaken by sheer waves of mortification.

Binghe covered his face with his hands, letting out an ungodly groan of embarrassment.

“Binghe… I’m saying this for your own good.” Mr. Angel looked into Binghe’s eyes seriously. “Do you know how to use swear words?”

Binghe immediately pouted, feeling like he was being made fun of. He couldn’t find it in himself to be truly annoyed, however, at the angel’s bell-like peals of laughter smothered by his hand. It was such a stark contrast to his boss’s restrained expressions.

“Ah! I forgot to introduce myself. I’m Shen Yuan, Shen Jiu’s younger twin brother.”

And there was the horror again.

Just as Binghe was about to bid farewell to his short, inconsequential life, Shen Yuan continued chattering. “You’re lucky Jiu-ge’s out of town on a business trip, and that you weren’t actually serenading his window but mine. If he was here, I don’t know if I could have even stopped him from personally throwing you into a jail cell.”

Binghe felt like he had gotten off of a life-threatening roller coaster ride. Stiffly, he rose from the bed and bent ninety degrees into a bow.

“Thanking Shen Yuan for his kindness in rescuing this lowly one from his predicament!” Binghe grew so nervous he immediately started speaking as if he were in a period drama. “In order to repay my honorable benefactor, this one will prepare breakfast!” He rushed away before Shen Yuan could speak a single word.

Once Binghe found the kitchen, he allowed himself a mini-freakout session. He! Was in! His boss’s younger brother’s bed! And the younger brother was an angel! Even though Binghe was fairly certain nothing untoward had occurred between the two of them the night prior, he felt every inch of his nerves tingling. He was also fairly certain that any other person that lacked Shen Yuan’s generosity would have immediately called the police on him at the least.

This was the first time anyone had done something so selfless for his sake.

Unbidden, a flush streaked across his cheeks, and Binghe slapped at himself to get out of it. Shen Yuan was his benefactor, and it would be wrong to have indecent thoughts about someone so innocent. There may not be much Binghe was good at, as he had learned from his internship under Shen Jiu, but the least he could do was cook him a decent breakfast.

Shen Yuan was roused from his half-wakeful state by the smell of something good coming from the kitchen. Which was weird because last he checked, there was nothing in there but dust and half-eaten ramen. (Yes, he had a problem.)

Wait … Binghe!

It was a little belated, but the nagging voice in Shen Yuan’s head that sounded suspiciously like Jiu-ge berated himself for falling asleep again while a stranger was in his apartment. A cute stranger, but a stranger nonetheless.

Shen Yuan, the voice nagged. One of these days you’re going to get yourself murdered in cold blood …

Alright, shut up, you. No one wants to hear this in the early morning, Shen Yuan bickered back.

“Sir?” Binghe’s voice nervously called from the kitchen entrance.

Shen Yuan immediately relaxed back into what he thought was a cool pose.

“There’s no need for formalities, Binghe. After all, you’ve already slept in my bed.”

Binghe’s ears flushed red at his words, and he swayed back and forth like a maiden on the morning after her wedding night. Shen Yuan stopped this strange line of thinking once he realized how weird it was.

“I made you breakfast as a thank you for er… handling me last night,” Binghe said softly.

Well, that didn’t help his strange thoughts. The last conscious thought Shen Yuan had was that he’d better go and eat the poor shy guy’s food since he had made it already.

He didn’t recall getting up or sitting down at the kitchen table, but the next thing he knew he was staring down at an empty plate, stomach full of delicious food.

“I don’t know what to think. This is the first time this has happened to me.” It wasn’t, but Shen Yuan had always had a flair for the dramatic. “If you can cook so well, why are you wasting your time under my brother’s wing? You should go be a professional chef, and share this magic with the rest of the world.”

It wasn’t empty praise. Shen Yuan genuinely believed he’d be blessed if he could eat like this every day for the rest of his life. His terrible habit of crappy eating would be forever changed.

Binghe was so red he looked like a tomato.

Abruptly, the sounds of a phone ringing disrupted the nice atmosphere. Binghe’s face paled.

“Oh no, I left Mobei-Jun at the club last night. He must be wondering where I am. The bachelor party got kind of crazy.”

Hm? Mobei-Jun? Shen Yuan slapped his forehead in realization. Of course! Binghe was a part of Jiu-ge’s interns, of course he knew Mobei-Jun. Shen Yuan had no idea how he had failed to make that connection. He might even be the best man Mobei-Jun had mentioned, since he was pretty sure the third intern was a woman. Sha Hualing, he believed her name was?

Either way, Shen Yuan hadn’t realized he and Binghe were so closely connected. Besides, he hadn’t felt comfortable calling Binghe a stranger, now that they no longer were.

Maybe he’d get a chance to see Binghe in a tux at the wedding? That would be so cute! Of course, he’d have to help keep him away from the champagne, especially since Jiu-ge would also be there. That was a nightmare waiting to happen.

While Shen Yuan was off fantasizing, Binghe had gathered all his stuff and prepared to leave. He hovered nervously around the door.

Shen Yuan snapped out of it to bid him goodbye. Binghe smiled shyly.

“Maybe I’ll see you around again sometime?” he asked.

Shen Yuan hid a smile behind his hand, and adopted a lofty expression.

“This immortal does not often descend from his honorable peak. However, if fate wills it to be so, then so shall it be,” he said, imitating Binghe’s earlier style of speech.

Binghe laughed, but kept hovering near the door as if he was waiting for something.

“Alright, your friend must be wondering where you are. Go on, now.” A flash of disappointment crossed Binghe’s face, but he obediently left, looking back like a puppy several times as he did so.

It wasn’t until much later that Shen Yuan would realize he had forgotten to explain that he was friends with Shang Qinghua, and that they would likely see each other again at the wedding. By the time the wedding itself rolled around, it would prove to be an ordeal of its own.

But that would remain a story for another time.

[atamascolily]

Avengers: Endgame review

TL;DR: This is not a terrible movie, especially given how many characters and story arcs the creators are juggling. That said, its success make its missteps all the more frustrating for me.

I like the opening scene, because it's so mundane. Instead of monsters and aliens and fighting, it's just a family picnic in the American Midwest. Even though it feels like Hollywood only knows one way to shoot family/domestic scenes, I like that Clint is teaching his daughter to shoot a bow instead of one of the boys.

I like how quickly the Snap happens, how silent and quiet it is. One minute, everything is fine, and then... Clint looks around and they are gone. He knows right away something is up. There's no place they could have gone. This scene is so short - less than three minutes out of a three hour movie - but the audience already sees where Clint is going next.

This scene also emphasizes how Rapture-like the Snap is - to the point where people online started calling it the Snapture. The film doesn't focus much on post-Snap life, but I'm sure religions would have a lot to say about this. In some ways, exploring life in this scared new world is more interesting to me than more predictable arc of getting it back...

I like Tony and Nebula playing paper football. How intense Nebula is, how into it she gets, how Tony lets her win. Wiki says those scenes were improvised and I approve. The message he leaves for Pepper with his helmet is pure Tony Stark--glib, audacious and yet charming all at once. I can’t decide whether I want to punch him or hug him for it. Maybe both.

I like that Captain Marvel's arrival is so angelic. She's glowing. It's a miracle. Was she sent to find him, or did she just stumble across the ship by chance?  We never find out.

I like how the Avengers are able to locate Thanos, only to discover he's destroyed the stones. I like how using the stones has consequences: Thanos is able to use them, but at great personal and physical cost; it's nice foreshadowing for the end.

Thanos is so chill about dying; it makes me suspect he's got something up his sleeve, but apparently, he's okay with dying now that his Crazy Apocalyptic Death Cult has achieved its goal. He manages to break Nebula's heart even more before Thor murders him. It's hard to say who's more surprised in that moment: Thor or Nebula.

Time skip. There's only one real plot reason for a five-year gap, and that's so Tony Stark can have a kid and an excuse to be selfish that doesn't render him completely unsympathetic to the audience. Morgan is cute, and all, but I'm not a fan of what she represents, nor of the stock Hollywood way of portraying children. Tony lives in a log cabin in what is obviously Georgia, and doesn't use his wealth to fix the world or anything. Granted, he's got extreme PTSD, but he's chosen to become a hermit. I guess we should be glad he's not drinking, doing drugs, or screwing journalists, like he did in the first Iron Man movie.

Steve running the support group is poignant, especially since that was always Sam's gig. I wonder if it's his way of honoring Sam. Sob. Marvel claims the gay man in the support group is historic, but I can't help but note it's something that can be easily edited for release in China.

I have not seen the Ant-Man movies, but I like Scott Lang. He is an optimist who soldiers on despite the fact that he is the Butt Monkey of all the jokes. I like how he extricates himself from the storage locker--though the fact that the van is still in storage five years out speaks VOLUMES to how messed up the world is five years later.

I think Scott walks past his house first--then goes to the wall, then to his house and knocks on the door? Or is that just a random house in the background when he first asks the kid on the bike what's wrong? I don't know why the kid doesn't answer him, except to add an aura of mystery to the whole thing.

The stones on Crissy Field are intense. Scott running around in a panic is spot-on--and his confusion when his name is on there, and his relief that Cassie's isn't. He knocks on the door of his house and a now-teenaged daughter greets her father. Again, I'm not sure I buy how Hollywood portrays these kinds of reunions, but it's very moving.

I love Nat and her peanut butter sandwiches, her rapport with Steve. I love these two as friends and I also ship them, and nothing in this scene proves me wrong. I love that Nat is basically in charge of the world now, and that she's the one keeping everything running smoothly --even when, as Okoye puts it, some things like undersea earthquakes don't require any action on her part. I also like her hair - I wasn't a huge fan of her Infinity War look, so I'm glad she's gone back to long/red-dish hair again.  

There's also the first stirrings of what Clint is up to, and while I don't like this subplot, I have to say it's set up very well. I can admire skillful plot devices even when I dislike their contents.

Scott showing up is priceless. I love his babbling to the security camera and Steve and Nat's reactions. Also, he drove the van all the way from California to wherever-the-hell-the-Avengers-Institute is located--I think it's supposed to be New York, but the filming location is a car headquarters in Georgia, so I think of it as Georgia.

I like that Bruce and the Hulk have come to an understanding. I wonder what Nat thinks about this. This movie makes it pretty clear Bruce is still into her, even though Nat isn't into him (and most of us are pretending that little subplot in Age of Ultron never happened).  

Same with Thor. It hurts to see him so clearly stuck, but Korg is amazing, as always, even if he is an enabler. I don't know why Valkyrie hasn't kicked Thor's ass yet. Maybe she's too busy running things. I wonder if Valkyrie and Nat are talking. I bet they are. I bet they respect each other.

I also like how fanon says that noobmaster69 is really Loki trolling Thor via videogames. Otherwise, the idea of the God of Thunder threatening a teenager is terrible, not funny. It's much better for everyone if it's Loki.

I'm not sure how they get from quantum stuff to time travel, except Plot. I think it would have been less confusing if they'd called it traveling to parallel universes from the get-go, instead of time travel that happens to create parallel universes, because it doesn't act like the standard time travel narrative. There's some meta about this in the film, but I don't think that's enough to compensate. Anyway, timey-wimey-magic-science-plot ball.

Cut to Clint Barton murdering yakuza in Tokyo. I do not like anything about this scene, or Clint. Vigilante justice is not a healthy coping mechanism. Clint pulling back his mask in the rain while Natasha is behind him with an umbrella is beautiful, and I love it. I appreciate the callbacks to Clint reaching out to Natasha when she was brainwashed by the Russians, even though I don't like where this story arc is going.

I love that everyone finally puts their heads together and realizes that the Infinity Stones have all spent an improbably large amount of time on Earth in recent years.

You can hear the smile in Nat's voice when she says "Be right back," and my heart breaks because Oh, Irony.

Tilda Swinton as the Ancient One is a treat, even though I'm mad they whitewashed the character because China complained about making the character a Tibetan (as in the comics). I like how easily she is able to separate Bruce from the Hulk, and how Bruce just sighs and tries to negotiate. Strange giving up the Time Stone is one of the weirdest parts of the last movie, and I'm glad everyone else thinks so too.

(Also, Dr. Strange is in the middle of surgery while the Chitauri are attacking New York? WOW.)

The Captain America vs. Captain America fight is great fun, if painful to watch. Also, that callback to the Elevator scene in The Winter Soldier is great, as is watching all the secret!Hydra agents file in, and Scott says what we're all thinking: "How could you give the stone to them? They LOOK evil!"

Loki getting away with the Space Stone is a wild card, and I don't know what they're going to do with it. Going to Camp Lehigh in the '70s is great on a plot level: Tony gets a chance to chat with his father, and Steve gets more magic particles to further the rest of the plot. And they get the stone, too. Right.  

Thor having one last conversation with his mother, oh my heart. Also, he stole his hammer from his past/other self... isn't that going to cause plot problems? Who cares, when we can have TWO flying hammer things in the final battle?

Peter Quill's internal monologue never looks as good from the outside. The directors seem to loath him as much as I do, meaning he is the other Butt Monkey of the party along with Scott. Rhody is genre-savvy and I approve; Nebula is an android and indifferent to personal danger.

The android bit makes things complicated when 2014!Nebula starts spilling bits of 2019!Nebula's memories. 2014!Thanos correctly identifies this as time-travelers from the future/parallel universes trying to prevent him from success. He gets to see the whole thing from 2019!Nebula's POV. I like that even though Thanos is dead in the main timeline/original universe, a different version of him rises up to take his place.

God, Clint and Natasha go to Vormir and it's terrible. Red Skull is appropriately creepy, but the whole premise pisses me off so much. Natasha and Clint fight about who gets to jump; Natasha "wins," causing Clint and everyone else much angst. I hated this in Infinity War, and I hate it even more now. I hate that the movie goes out of its way multiple times to explain there's no way to bring her back, even as it violates causality to replace Gamora. I hate that the only way to get the Soul Stone is to play the stupid game. There ought to be a way to beat it without sacrificing someone, and even if there isn't, why is it always the female characters who get sacrificed for manpain? I knew this was coming, so it wasn't as bad as it would have been otherwise, but I hate it. Hate it, hate it, hate it.

Anyway, so they all come back, and mourn Nat. Continuous emphasis on how she's gone forever. Fuck you all, writers.

Bruce snaps to bring everybody back. He can tolerate gamma radiation. I love the line "It's like I was made for this". Bruce, honey, you're a rock star.

Tony is so freakin' specific about "bring everybody back but don't erase the last five years" because he loves his baby girl so much and cant bear that he have to lose someone himself. All kinds of logistical problems are going to happen as a result, but does he care? No! It would have been just as easy--probably easier--to snap Thanos out of existence right before the Snapture, or to allow Thor to slice off Thanos's head in time. That would also create continuity issues, but I think it would be a Stable Time Loop--and honestly, there are already so many continuity issues, I'm not sure why that would stop the writers. Anyway, I think we can all agree it would have been better if there HADN'T BEEN A FIVE YEAR TIME SKIP and maybe like six months or something, that would have been more manageable for everyone.

(and also if just Thanos is dusted and not the stones, the stones would still exist, although maybe it's for the best that they've been destroyed??)

But evil!Nebula has infiltrated the group, and opens the time machine to bring 2014!Thanos forward right after Bruce's snap brings all the dusted back. How she does this, I'm not sure exactly; is it even explained? Whatever. Plot demands it, so she does. They get Pym particles from somewhere. I don't know.

Anyway, so the Georgia car headquarters is blown to smithereens by an alien spaceship. The lake starts falling into the crater. Clint has the gauntlet with all the stones and is chased by space wolves. Thank goodness he still has exploding arrows.

Good!Nebula manages to convince new!Gamora to betray Thanos (it doesn't take much, tbh), but has to kill her evil!self. Ow. Poor Nebula gets traumatized AGAIN.

Steve wielding Mjolnir is not only a continuation of a brick joke from several movies ago, but also a Crowning Moment of Awesome. So is Dr. Strange opening the portals for everyone to show up and fight. Huge CGI battle ensures. There's no blood and everything's a mess and it's hard to keep track of everything, but man, those Chitauri bone-whale spaceships are cool. Carol Danvers knows how to make an entrance. Peter Parker is awkward and endearing, as per usual. Instant Kill Mode gets a workout.

Wanda attacking Thanos is heartbreaking. "I don't know you." "You took everything from me." HEY TONY, UNDOING THE SNAP THE WAY YOU INSISTED THEY DO IT MEANS VISION IS NEVER COMING BACK! Poor Wanda. I liked Vision. I'm sorry he's gone.

Thanos’s remark that next time he’ll make it so nobody remembers the horror of the Snap and they’ll be grateful to him and stop fighting it is truly horrifying. The Thanos in the first part seemed really resigned to dying, and it’s such a contrast. Thanos is right, of course--he would have gotten away with it “if it weren’t for those meddling kids” and the best way to prevent that is to re-write the universe to Make It So. 

Thanos is such a smug, priveleged dudebro. Have I mentioned I hate him? I fucking hate him. He’s like the epitome of Smug Male Privilege crossed with Galactic Warlord. In some ways he’s the galactic foil to Tony Stark, which makes it all the more fitting that Stark is the one to take him down. Thanos is willing to sacrifice his loved ones for his vision of reality, and Tony fights to preserve them, even when it would be “better” not to. (I put “better” in quotes because I freely admit it’s a moral grey area with the whole “five year time skip” thing.) Stark starts off alone, and then dies surrounded by friends and loved ones; Thanos starts off with an army and a family and dies defeated and alone, twice over.

Stephen Strange holding back the waterfall--and gesturing to Tony across the battlefield--both great. "If I tell you, it won't happen." Anti-self-fullfilling prophecy, which amuses me. When all hope is lost, Tony reveals he has the stones and delivers the ultimate one-line--"I am Iron Man" before he snaps. Tony could have snapped for <i>anything</i>, he had ultimate power in that moment, but all he does is turn Thanos and his army into dust. Of course, Thanos is the last one to go, because it's more Dramatic that way.

Tony dies. Pepper gently but firmly pushes Peter out of the way. Peter Quill meets Gamora and Gamora kicks him in the nuts, unimpressed. I know she and Quill will probably get back together in later movies and it will annoy me then just as much as it did before, because he's so much cooler than he is. I had to stop watching the first GotG film because of all the ass shots of Gamora; ugh.  

Everyone is appropriately sad and Tony's funeral at the Georgia lakehouse is very well attended in neatly thematic groupings. Nick Fury watches from the porch.

Have I mentioned how much I hate the "posthumous letter from emotionally constipated father figure that makes the audience and his loved ones cry, but which absolves him from any actual emotional development or growth" trope? It happens in the Stranger Things S3 finale and it happens here. Thanks, I hate it. Morgan Stark is cute and sad. God, Happy annoys me so much. I've hated him ever since he was so fucking condescending to "Natalie Rushman"--Natasha's alter ego in Iron Man 2. GOD. There is no justice here.

Steve volunteers to fulfill Bruce's promise to the Ancient One by returning all the stones. (It’s sweet how earnest Bruce is about this. I mean, Bruce has always cared about preserving the universe, even ones he doesn’t necessarily live in, but still. I find it endearing.) The movie doesn't say, but judging from the looks that Bucky and Steve give each other before Steve leaves, Bucky already knows what Steve is planning - to go the long way home and to give the shield to Sam. Bucky also knows where to look for Steve - on the bench by the lake. Still in Georgia; they got lots of tax credits for filming in Georgia, I will never be able to see this place as anywhere but Georgia.

Sam taking the shield breaks my heart, but in a good way. Nice set up for Falcon and Winter Soldier, I see what you did there, Disney.

The movie did an okay job of reminding people that Peggy existed by having Steve gaze longingly at her portrait in the locket and by staring at her through the window when he was at Camp Lehigh in the 1970s. Still, I don't blame fans for forgetting about her, given that she hasn't been a major character since The First Avenger, and died in Civil War. Both Bucky/Steve and Steve/Nat interactions are fresher in audience's minds - even Steve/Agent 13, although I guess that was just a side plot that didn't go anywhere.

Steve staying on through time the long way would make a LOT more sense if the time travel in this film worked like other time travel movies, but it's not, so it's just kind of weird. Literally, if it weren't for this ONE THING, I think the writers could have gotten away with "parallel universes" instead of time travel--especially since there's a 2014!version of Gamora around! How did Thanos do the snap the first time if his 2014!self jumped forward to 2019 and got killed there "before" he did the snap? It makes NO SENSE unless you assume the Quantum Realm takes you to identical-but-parallel universes instead of the past of the original universe.

(Yes, I KNOW Bruce says time travel doesn't work like you think it does--but I'm not sure it works the way this MOVIE thinks it does, either. Like I said, parallel universes all the way, except for the Steve 'n' Peggy bit.)

Also, I know Peggy gets married, but we never learn her husband’s name/see his face as far as I know, so it’s entirely possible Steve DID create a stable time loop by traveling back to the 1940s after his ship went down in the ice, and married Peggy and stayed out of the historical record to avoid Breaking Time any further.

So, while I can't say Steve's decision to go back for that dance wasn't foreshadowed enough, or is inconsistent with one version of his character arc, it pains me from a shipping perspective. I like Steve/Peggy, but I really love Steve/Nat, and there's no reason Steve couldn't have gone back in time and gotten together with Nat in the same way it's implied he got together with Peggy. The fact that he doesn't mention her name just makes it easier for my shipper heart to believe. (Because if he says Nat, Sam's going to make fun of him.)

Also: Steve meets Red Skull on Vormir. Please. I know there are fics about this, but still. I know the movie is three hours long, but this seems like a terrible omission, even so. Just saying. Maybe a special extra bonus scene??

AND WHY CAN'T STEVE BRING NAT BACK IF HE RETURNS THE SOUL STONE?? Over and over again, they say "A soul for a soul"-- so if Steve returns the Soul Stone he should get a soul back, am I right, am I right? COULD YOU FUCKING BE CONSISTENT, WRITERS?

(Can you tell I'm bitter? No? No? Let me shout some more then.) 

I’m also not sure how the super-soldier serum works with aging, but I’m willing to buy that it doesn’t make Steve immune to normal aging - or at least gave him a lifespan twice that of most people, unless you want to chalk the first fifty years or so up to the ice or whatever. But that’s a minor world-building quibble at best.

Okay, so that was Avengers: Endgame. Glad I didn't see this in theaters -- I would have gotten too angry and too long for me to watch in one sitting without having to get up to pee. I think I would describe it as "adequate" --covered all the major beats, followed the standard scriptwriter format, some fun character moments. Very Obviously Written By Men based on its portrayal of family life and treatment of female characters, and the time travel makes no sense if you look closely at it.

But let's face it, it made bajillions of dollars, so as far as Disney's concerned, it was a home run.

So would I watch more Marvel films? The answer is, yes, maybe, but I feel so "meh" about the MCU now that Nat is dead. I'll make decisions on a case by case basis about what movies I watch on DVD after their release, but I'm not getting my hopes up I'll feel excited. There's always fic and fandom; I just don't know if canon has anything to say that interests me anymore. (Kinda how I feel about new Star Wars to be honest.)

[theinquisitivej]

Animated Movie Double Review – ‘Ralph Breaks the Internet’ and ‘Into the Spider-Verse’

Last weekend I saw two animated films. One of them was visually striking, with every frame being memorable and reinforcing the film’s distinct aesthetic. On top of that, it told a well-paced story that is sure to resonate with audiences from a number of different backgrounds for countless reasons. The other was a disappointing hodgepodge of average filmmaking with above-average animation backing it up which only made the misguided character-writing, lack of solid comedy that elicited no more than an occasional “…mmheh.”, and unclear focus feel that much more of a shame. I’m ever the force of positivity who likes to end on a happy note, so let’s get the lesser of the two out of the way first.

‘Ralph Breaks the Internet’

A sequel to the 2012 videogame inspired Disney film, Ralph Breaks the Internet picks up some time later when the inhabitants of the arcade are introduced to the internet. After a fault occurs with Vanellope’s arcade machine, Ralph and Vanellope decide to venture into the internet to find a replacement part before the machine is taken away. Internet references and hilarity ensues.

         The animation is of course as smooth and technically impressive as it always is. There’s a lot of variety to the character designs and styles of movement that are on display throughout the movie. Whether it’s the blocky, 8-bit stilted movement of some of the classic game characters who return from the last film, the glimpses we get of people in the real world moving in an impressively naturalistic fashion, or the crisp yet eclectic movements of the Google stand-in character Knowsmore as he rushes to finish people’s sentences, there’s a lot to sink your teeth into if you enjoy studying animation.

         I also enjoyed Vanellope as a main character you follow throughout this film. In Wreck-It Ralph, Vanellope is someone you slowly warm to as she goes from being this deliberate nuisance to Ralph and his goal of bringing a medal back to his own game to someone who means the world to him by the film’s final shot. In the sequel, Vanellope is unsatisfied with her day-to-day life and wants a little change, which resembles Ralph’s motivation at the start of the first film, and I was engaged with her journey throughout the film as she continues to be a very appealing and entertaining character to spend time with. Also, seeing her play off of Gal Gadot’s character who is this tough and capable but also down-to-earth source of wisdom and perspective is pleasant to experience, especially as this reinforces the general reputation that Gadot has right now as this inspiring female role-model that you just love to be around.

         But other than that, I didn’t care for this movie. Few of the jokes land and the ones that do only elicited brief, unenthusiastic chuckles. Part of this can be attributed to the internet-focused humour going for surface-level observations that either ring hollow or feel dated right out of the gate. To be fair, I don’t think there’s anything fundamentally wrong with centring a movie on websites; I can’t say that videogame iconography inherently has more value than internet iconography, so it’s not as simple as saying “this sequel went wrong the moment it decided to be about the internet”. Maybe it would be too subjective of me to say I felt more of the warmth that comes from the creators’ passion for videogames that was shown in Wreck-It Ralph than I do here with Ralph Breaks the Internet and its connection to the world it tries to replicate. Instead, I’ll say that it rarely feels like the film has more to say about what it’s showing us than “this is a thing that exists”, and when we’re dealing with something as universally known and omnipresent as the internet, you’ve got to have more up your sleeve than that. We all use the internet, we all know how these sites work and what place they have in their lives, so give us more than just the novelty of seeing it depicted within a fictional animated world.

         Apart from the soft-hitting comedy, the most egregious part of watching this film was Ralph’s character. Ralph is an unlikable ass in this film. In the first movie, Ralph is self-absorbed to a point in that he runs away from his game to get a medal so he can feel appreciated at the cost of the rest of the inhabitants of Fix-It Felix Jr. In this sequel, that negative aspect is dialled to 11. He rarely makes any effort to see things from his friend’s point of view and he childishly acts out for attention so that he can feel validated. The arc he went through in the first film where he gains some self-acceptance and realises it’s not always about him never comes across through any of the character’s actions this second time around. As a result, he feels very much like he’s regressed which makes him flat-out unlikable for 90-95% of the movie. Of course, this is all part of the film’s thematic point. You’re meant to know that Ralph is acting wrongly and that some of the things he’s doing are bad, because it becomes a major focus of the film’s finale and works into the emotional ending that the film is building up towards. The problem is that it overeggs the pudding, and, much like that clip we all saw in the trailers where Ralph overstuffs the bunny from the mobile-game with pancakes to the point of making it explode, the film does too much of this and blows up any attachment I had to this character. Ralph’s first story made it easy to understand where Ralph was coming from and why he felt the way he did, even if he acted selfishly at times. There were even moments where he did bad things because he truly thought it was for the best for someone other than himself. You get his decisions and know that he didn’t mean for the negative repercussions to happen, even if you can see where he went wrong along the way and what he must do to make it right. Here, it’s just not put together with as much of a steady hand to keep things level, so I’m not with him for the majority of the runtime.

         In all fairness, I did appreciate the film’s closing moments. The last 10 minutes gives us a strong ending that tugs on the heartstrings and shows us a healthy outlook that both children and adults can learn from as they go through similar hardships in life. It also doesn’t pull its punches and back down from showing us that, yes, things do change. That can be hard, but it’s also okay. I like that the film gives us that emotional close, but I just wish it had earned it throughout the rest of the movie.

Final Ranking: Stone.

The plot structure is messy and flat-out abandons certain threads, the humour is weak, and one of the main characters acts obnoxiously for the majority of the runtime. It’s a disappointing sequel to a lovely film that comes across as being mostly hollow.

I did like seeing the princesses though, that was fun.

 ‘Into the Spider-Verse’

Just as the story of this film gives us multiple versions of Spider-Man who are all animated with a unique style and are wonderful to look at, Into the Spider-Verse is a Venn diagram of multiple film categories that it sits high at the top of.

         It’s one of the best animated films of the year, constantly demonstrating masterful understanding of posing, dynamic movements, and how to draw out these perfect little moments of humanity from every one of the characters inhabiting this movie. If this isn’t the most visually impressive and striking film of the year, then it is unquestionably the second best looking film of 2018. The combinations of colours are diverse and consistently reinforce exactly what that moment in the story requires, whether it’s a palpable sense of energy, an immediate impression of the atmosphere of the location we’re taking in, or the keen emotion being experienced in the moment. The angles we see things from and the clever techniques the film uses to make certain parts of the shot look blurred to emphasise the things that are in focus work together to create this visual style that calls to mind the panels from a comic-book. Into the Spider-Verse even qualifies as a contender for the best Spider-Man film, full-stop. It certainly taps into the ethos of the character, his world, and the numerous alternative versions that have become big heroes in their own right with a confident familiarity, as well as a deep affection and respect for what Spider-Man is and what the idea of the hero means to us. And yes, in case it wasn’t obvious by this point, this also happens to be in the running for the best film of the year as well.

         The film is set in New York on an earth similar to our own, but with slight variations on the things we see in our world like the NYPD being referred to as PDNY. This leads to cute little visual references and puns like a poster for ‘From Dusk Till Shaun’ and an advert for the band ‘Red Man Group’. In this New York, we follow Miles Morales, a teenager from Brooklyn who has just transferred from a school he was comfortable in to a prestigious school where his dad has high hopes for him. Around here the audience starts to get that the thing troubling Miles more than anything else right now is the immense pressure he’s feeling on multiple sides, whether its from the demanding workload heaped onto him by his new school or from his father’s insistence that he can do great things if he only pushes himself hard enough. One of the books he’s set at his new school is even ‘Great Expectations’ to hammer this point home. After a series of fated coincidences, Miles is bitten by a radioactive spider, develops powers, and is given a task of utmost importance by his universe’s Peter Parker before he is left alone to figure out how he can possibly face the biggest responsibility heaped onto his young shoulders yet.

         But he’s not alone for long, as recent events have led Spider-People from multiple universes to all converge on Miles’ Earth, including an even more down-on-his-luck version of Peter Parker who’s older, more jaded, and far less suited to mentoring Miles than the one he is familiar with. Over time, more Spider-People join the team, with the most notable being Spider-Gwen, a version of Gwen Stacy from a world where she got bitten instead of her best friend Peter, who she would later lose due to a tragic set of superhero circumstances. With their help as well as a few other very fun versions of Spider-Man, Miles must face an assortment of sinister forces and do his best to live up to all the people who are counting on him.

         As joyful, funny, and entertaining as the film is, and how can it not be with a premise like that that’s backed up with some masterclass animation, Into the Spider-Verse makes the stakes and the tension feel weighty by emphasising the real sense of danger to the heroes’ encounters with the villains. I won’t spoil who the main antagonist is in case you’re familiar with your Spider-Man characters and genuinely curious to see who it is. Suffice to say, they scared the hell out of me. My first impression of their design was that it looked a little goofy, but soon enough, through a combination of deeply ominous music and cinematography, the huge, black frame of the character came across like a spectre of death. Whenever they showed up, I was scared for the characters’ lives. In addition to the main antagonist, there is another villain who I had not heard of called Prowler, and the film does a great job of making this character seem like a stalking beast that Miles is woefully unprepared to face. But as effective as these villains are at making you tense up in your seat, and again, I still won’t give anything away, the film manages to give them enough to humanise them in one or two key moments that make this story feel like it’s not about virtuous heroes and black-hearted monsters, but about people. Some people give in and do terrible things for what they feel are justifiable reasons, and some people face the pressures of life and keep trying to do the right thing, even and especially when it’s hard.

        But as hard-hitting as the heavy moments can get, the writing also ensures that the humour is there when it needs to be to balance things out. There are moments when the film goes to some heart-breaking territory, depending on what your level of attachment is to certain characters. It lets the scene play out, it uses the performances of the voice actors and the animators to their full effect to create the biggest impact it can, and, only after it has fully delivered on the emotional beat, it will deliver a perfectly timed joke that helps diffuse some of the tension without compromising the poignancy of what’s just happened. In fact, while these jokes may seem like a fun whiplash from sincere drama to goofy yet very naturalistic comedy, they often double as a way to reinforce the themes of the movie. There’s a point where a random civilian of New York intrudes on a very personal and significant moment for Miles to say something that comedically deflates the seriousness of the scene, and yet what the civilian says is actually a direct statement of the film’s central message. It’s an example of how much the film believes in what it’s saying that it can joke about its own themes and still have the ability tell an affecting story that comes across as charmingly sincere.

         And the message that it believes so genuinely in, what every frame of this gorgeously vibrant movie works together to say, is that anyone can wear the mask and be Spider-Man. It means so much for a film to show that the relatable kid who grows into a superhero that we can aspire to be like isn’t always Peter Parker. Miles is a biracial teenager with an African-American father and a Puerto Rican mother, and just as Aunt May and Uncle Ben form the moral backbone of Peter’s life, we see how Miles has taken aboard different characteristics from each of his family members. He has the compassion of his mother, the strength and resolve of his father, and the style and charm of his uncle. It’s touching to see this family and realise just how important they are to Miles and how much they’ve positively shaped his identity, even as they make mistakes in their efforts to give him the best life they can. When Miles reaches the culmination of his journey and he sets out to be what his family believes he can be, it’s a soaring, inspiring moment. It’s the kind of story that superheroes lend themselves so well to, because the point isn’t to marvel at how super a select few can be; it’s to see them and know that we all have the power to be super, to do good, and to go out there and prove to ourselves that the faith of the people who love us isn’t misplaced. The different artstyles used to animate each of the Spider-People literally illustrate the point that, whoever you are and whatever you look like, you can be Spider-Man. And yeah, any film that sells you on that message is going to be close to the heart for a lot of different people.

         Into the Spider-Verse is more than a neat twist on the well-catered superhero movie genre. It’s beautifully striking, features impressive writing that deftly balances sincerity and a sense of playful humour, and weaves all its elements together to create one of the most unique examples of animations, superhero films, and hell, films in general that I’ve seen in a long while.

Final Ranking: Gold.

See it on the big screen, then see it again on Blu-ray.