#go listen to kilmer and cry

[hitokiri-izou]

I'm worried now this is the new worst low of my life

[deadboyfriendd]

Cochise IV: Laudanum

Summary: Today, Michael Doten would die. Today, old graves would be exhumed and a mirror image will be held in front of you. Today, you would have to speak your husband’s name. 

Warnings: Fem!Reader, Outlaw/Doc Holliday!Eddie Munson x Reader, wild west/Tombstone!AU, drug use, drug overdose (apparent suicide), death of minor character by hanging, period-appropriate death and violence, angst, fluff, smut

My content is 18+ Minors DNI

Word Count: 2.5k

Author's Note: Thanks Drac @dr-aculaaa and Jo @jo-harrington for listening to me vent and keysmash about this and let me get emotional about starting to wrap up Cochise. Love you guys <3 this one is for you <3

On this day, you wore white. 

Fingers sift past black gown and black gown again, burning a little less when it brushes the taffeta silk of your wedding gown. Dry knees scrape against soft fabric– much too soft for you. Untouched cotton catches on the hair of your legs. It squeezes at your middle much like that ugly dreadful serpent rattled its warning cry into the hollows of your ears and coiled itself tight and ugly into your ribs once more. 

On this day you wore white because, the last time you wore black, you felt the ripples between your husband’s fingers one last time. You ran your thumbs over the creases of your own to remember what his were like. Your heels sunk soft into the powdery grains of the sand outside of The Whispering Sands, a tomb trapping the hollow of your body on this day. You felt the sun on your skin almost immediately, the same way it had day after day after day– though, today it felt more like a sting. You stood outside, but felt the tether thick and winding against your back, reeling you deeper into The Sands until you pulled so hard it snapped. 

Today, you would watch another man die. 

Your footsteps were deafening as they crunched over compacted gravel, softening again as you transitioned from roadway to nothingness again, the crowd silent and tense in wait. There was not a gallows with a trap door on this side of Cochise county. Instead, a monstrous ironwood hung dry and ravenous over the west side of the city like a claw protruding from beneath the surfaces of Hell– several hundred yards out. 

The trial was fast, nothing ever happened in Cochise county that wasn’t. You’d have half a mind to call a kangaroo when you saw one, though, it was hard to argue killing a government official while the whole town watched. 

The sheriff and the plaintiff, a regal man from the state commissioner’s office, sat still and hollow-faced. The sheriff stared off in the distance, eyes rimmed red with unshed tears. You had it in your heart to knock on his door later. You would stew in silence together. You would fix him a meal and serve him a drink and refuse the money that he would inevitably leave on the counter, and you would dab at his knuckles as they seeped a deep red blood– just as he had done for you. 

Michael stood atop a stool, perpendicular to the flanks of a a broken Salt River mare, less slovenly. More sober than you had ever seen him in this lifetime. He blubbered a mess and immediately you were saddened. A man reduced to pleading. A man broken of pride and envy. 

“Just shoot me. Lord, please just let me go fast.” 

“Mr. Michael Doten,” The commissioner began, voice monotonous and stale. He had done this too many times, “You have been tried by the state of Arizona, Cochise County, and found guilty of the crime of Murder. On the evening of twenty-first day of August, in the year of our lord 1894, you fired a single shot that ended the life of State Marshall, Milt Kilmer. This crime was witnessed by Sheriff Steve Harrington, Mr. Edward Munson, and multiple other witnesses…”

“Please, Lord. An eye for an eye. Please just kill me fast.”

“Michael Doten, by the power vested in me by the state of Arizona, I hereby sentence you to death by hanging. May the lord be with you.” 

“Please, Lord.”

Soft cries of prayers ring poignant in the stale air. A broken man’s last pleas for forgiveness. Steve mouths a soft, “I’m sorry.” to Michael, before placing a rucksack over his head, pulling the noosehead over his throat and squeezing his shoulder. The mare is commanded to run. Prayers turn to chokes and then bittersweet silence.

There is a gilded line between life and death. In that moment, the sun shines too bright, the hum of the earth becomes deafening. The desert respires one heavy and pungent sigh. And all is silent again. A saguaro congregation stands in the distance, their joshua tree choirs bow their spiny heads in reverence. A silent prayer washes over the desert. 

You haven't prayed in years, but you bow your head and say a silent prayer for Michael Doten. You aren’t quite sure what for. Peace in death, maybe. Or even the blissful dissonance for silence would suffice. By the way he chokes his final breaths, you know it is too late to hope for painlessness. 

You look up, and lock your vision into a familiar warmth. You know Eddie can feel it, too. 

He is walking this line. He is standing over an old grave, just the same as you are. He is up North, cool, damp soil slipping between numb fingers and falling over a casket, how desperately he wants to peel it open and feel her chest once more for breath– how desperately he wants to crawl inside and lay himself next to her. How desperately you yearned to do the same. 

His movements are swift and sudden, rhythmic and graceful as he pulls himself on to his stallion and rides off towards the south mountain in a blind rage. The crowd dissipates at a sickeningly slow rate, and you push through hordes of black gowns and coats in search of him. You knew The Sheriff would be okay, you knew he would need his time to fester. Instead, you ran after him, toes kicking up clouds of powdery sand that sprayed behind you in clouds. 

By the time you reached the south mountain, you were breathless. The white ruffles had torn at the seam, hanging down ragged and dirty in the sand beneath you. 

It was spring, and the spring superbloom hung heavy in sheets on the mountain. The sun casting a pale gradient haze across the sky, orange mallows bleeding their bloom into the end of day, a royal hue and a vibrant pink mixing into a farewell song. 

“I felt it, too, Eddie.” Even now, you feel it. He looks at you, face angry. Just for a second, you’re afraid he might yell. “Like you’re there again, like you–”

“You’re standing over a grave?” 

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.” 

The silence was deafening, tension like bitter aspic encasing you in a mould inescabable. The seconds that passed by as you waited for him to say something were stretched like taffy. You waded through the quicksand of these moments, thrashing and drawning yourself deeper in tension. Finally, you spoke:

“Y’know, when Wilhelm died…” It’s the first time you speak his name. He feels real again, like he’s standing in front of you. You reach for his hand but find Eddie’s instead. “...when Wilhelm died I felt like I died with him. Or at least, something did. It felt like I just up and left a big fat chunk of my right there in the ground with him.” 

You squeezed his hand, firm, yet gentle, “You would have liked him.”

“Really?” He squeezed yours back.

“Yes.” It wasn’t an explanation, but it was enough. 

“You would have hated Christine.” 

“Really?”

“Yes, ma’am, you are too much like each other.” 

“What was she like?’

“Beautiful,” He started with a smile, “Pretty as a mink stole, but stubborn to Hell and back again.”

 He goes on like this, and you can see her in front of you. Barefoot and dancing in the orange mallow, firey hair against a vibrant wash of color in the background. She glows. Heavenly and celestial. Her feet are light and nimble. She never sleeps, she says, she says she will never die. She is dancing, dancing. She says that she will never die. 

“She sounds wonderful.”

It does not seem like a suffice enough answer. To be compared to something so lovely– so grand, as something so plain and mended. 

“She was.”

“Wilhelm was too.” and he was, tall and beautiful and lively as she. He is also never sleeping. He is also dancing. He also says that he will never die. 

“You know, you never say anything about him.” He says to you, turning in your direction, finally. 

You shrugged, allowing yourself to meet his eyes for just a moment, “I guess I’m just so used to the whole town knowing everything about me.”

“Well, I’d like to know about you, too.” 

He is close now, impossibly close. Decadently close. A closeness you have not felt since Wilhelm. It was sickening to know how close you felt to both of them. 

“I’m just a widow. I run a bar.”

“But it wasn’t always that way.”

“No, not always.” 

“Then tell me about him.”

“He was tall. The tallest man I had ever met.” You go on like this, describing to Eddie in full detail the discrepancies and your favorite, beautiful details of your beloved, then, finally, you spoke of his death, “That night, a handful of bandoleros came into The Sands. They took everything. They cleaned out the humidor. The last thing they wanted was his ring– h-he, he wouldn’t give it up.” Your voice wobbles, you don’t stop the tear from rolling down your face. 

“Christine died in her sleep,” He starts, and it is confiding and all-encompassing, “I like to think that she was finally at peace with whatever she was fighting. Maybe herself. They said it was laudanum. They said we wouldn’t ever know if it was an accident or not.” 

You’d have half a mind to ask him what he thought. It was better saved for another day. But you would always wonder. 

“I’m sorry, Eddie.” You chided, it felt long-winded, insincere, even. Maybe because you had heard it so many times yourself. But by the nature of practicality it felt correct. 

He shrugged at the insincerity. If he felt it, he would never say it aloud. There was a pause, in which he completed his next words carefully. You were past informality now, just as you were past Edward or Wilhelm or Christine. 

 “We aren't so different, y’know.” You begin, backtracking on that ugly, overused phrase like a tar. He is looking outwardly into the distance. You wonder if he sees her dance too. 

He turns towards you, purple overtaking the sky in a solemn pitfall of night, “But we are” 

“And how is that?” You ask, almost snide. A smile curls at the corners of your lips. Orange and yellow overtake the bowl of mountains to the west. 

“Ma’am, I feel like I could love you.”

“Not the same way you loved her.”

“You can’t love me the same way you loved him.” 

“But I could try.” 

He is walking this line. He is standing over an old grave, just the same as you are. He is up North, cool, damp soil slipping between numb fingers and falling over a casket, how desperately he wants to peel it open and feel her chest once more for breath– how desperately he wants to crawl inside and lay himself next to her. How desperately you yearned to do the same. But this time, he finishes the pile and sets it with his hands. A final goodbye to Christine. 

He pulls you from the sand where you lay, pulls you into the bed of orange mallow and lays you to rest upon your back. 

He is slow to undress you, planting his lips like glue upon your skin to mend whatever pieces he can find. His fingers are nimble and fumbling as he pries apart the button snaps of your dresses with more force than necessary. Desperate to feel your skin– quick to take his time. 

He nips gentle marks across your chest, flesh gathering between teeth like ruffles. You do not yelp or cry out like Christine did. Instead, your breathy sigh washes over his face like a spring breeze, and your back arches to give leeway for his hands to find purchase. 

He is relentless in your dresses, pulling underclothes over the soft hair of your legs and feeling his way up again with wide, warm palms. His clothes come quickly after.

He undresses you in your entirety, then pauses to look over your body. You are not a woman who cowers away from his gaze, not a woman who slinks from his touch. You do not move your arms to cover yourself, instead, you let the waning heat of the sun bathe your skin in an ambergris orange glow. 

For a moment you stare at each other, taking in his form. Really, he is beautiful. Alabaster skin against a bleeding purple sky. He does not cower from your gaze, nor does he flaunt himself for you in a ridiculous masquerade of masculine offense. Instead he looms over you like the sun, warming your skin with his radiance. 

In him you do not see Wilhelm. Instead you see yourself. 

Mimicked faces of ecstasy mirror over when he pulls two gentle fingers through you, plunging them in a slow, methodic rhythm. It is soothing as much as it is arousing. A thumb rolling circles over the right places, placating a birdsong of quiet, breathless sighs not unlike his own. 

His skin is soft against yours when he enters you, flesh against flesh creating a warm friction masked by sand and sweat. 

His head is against your shoulder, teeth grazing over the flesh there and taking it in gently. His hands have purchase against your waist, keeping you grounded in place as he continues. His hair is soft against your neck, lye pungent in your nostrils as he encompasses your grief in his own jar and shelves it for another day. 

This evening, you will lay naked in the sea of this spring’s superbloom. He will roll the petals of the orange mallow over your skin and you will laugh as he twists the flower in circles. You have not laughed like this since Wilhelm. He has not laughed like this since Christine. 

On this day, you wear white. Married to your grief and eloped to this place.

On this day, you watched another man die, but you also breathed life into another man through nimble whispers and breathless sighs. 

On this day, you walked the plane between life and death. You held a man’s breath in your hands, so thick with his spirit you felt you could store it in a jar until you were ready to forgive him. 

On this day, you spoke Wilhelm’s name, and severed the tie that bound you to grief. 

You would not be healed today, but you say you will never die. 

[harrowharr0w]

music

hi hello im just gonna throw down (milgram pun haha) a bunch of music here that i like. um. yeah it’s

artist - favs

noa aburasoba - honey trap, any angle

aimi - help, meritocracy

shunichi toki - science, envy

satsuki - mesmerizer, juvenile

yorushika/n-buna - just a sunny day for you, thats why i gave up on music, tale of the deep sea lily

visty - endless dream, for my stella

gokuluck - catharsis, stronger

deco*27 - vampire, literally all of milgram, covers included

yoshino - vampire cover

miho okasaki - mirror

vane lily - butcher vanity, paparazzi murder party

ghost and pals - honey i’m home, happy days

yuu miyashita - deus ex machina, grain, kirin ga shinu made, kuruoze, parasite piano, coquetterie dancer, kilmer cover, yuuka (i love yuu miyashita so much) (go listen to doctrine doctrine too!!!)

mafumafu - keitairenwa (also all of soramafuurasaka’s songs)

eve - fightsong, insomnia

hya - snake, mad mermaid

raise a suilen - twin tale, vip monster, bring it on cover

azari - wink, black out, casino (really all of azari but ykyk)

more more jump - the peachy key, milk crown on sonnechka (or however u spell it) cover

vivid bad squad - rad dogs, flyer

kankan - fiction, all fool, nightless city, boost anima

the alien stage soundtrack

nightcord at 25:00 - idsmile, bug, jackpot sad girl

rondo - 雨音 (forgot what it’s called in english so i js typed it in chinese)

roselia - flashlight, r, charles cover

wadatakeaki kuragep - my r, trash&trash (shoutout to lollia’s english my r cover thought because that azula animatic changed little me’s life)

did i say all of milgram already

leo/need - needLe, ikanaide cover, teratera, stage of sekai (live laugh love l/n)

hifumi - i am too lazy to find out what the songs are called in english

mili - world.execute(me);, summoning 101, rtrt

96neko - buriki no dance cover

afterglow - sensenfukoku, mental chainsaw cover

mygo!!!!! - silhouette dance, non breath oblige cover

ho-kago tea time - no, thank you!, cageyake girls, fuwa fuwa time, rice is a side dish, tenshi ni fureta yo (makes me cry literally)

[terror-slut]

OUTLAST as a live action: the fan casts.

(This is all in good fun. You don’t have to agree at all and that’s absolutely fine! In fact, let me know who you have in mind for these amazing characters.)

I think it’s safe to say that Outlast has a lot of potential as a horror movie. While the game is obviously more focused on getting away (duh, it’s survival horror) a movie could be more plot oriented, with the comics translated to the big screen as well. The notes explaining the backstory of Mount Massive Asylum could be visualized by flashbacks. The main “variants” are interesting enough for the movie to rely on them for a strong horror aspect (as well as the general plot, obviously) instead of resorting to (too many) cheap jumpscares. That’s what really separates the good horror movies and games from the rotten apples, folks.

Without further ado,

starting off with the one and only:

DAN STEVENS as MILES UPSHURE.

Obviously, Miles is an unseen protagonist. Sorry to Miles, but we gotta give you a face if we want this movie to actually... be a movie.

Luckily, we’ve got Dan Stevens on our side. Dan is English, but he’s proven time and time again that he can do a mean American accent. Furthermore, Dan is incredibly versatile. He’s also done horror before, so I think we’d be able to persuade him to get on board. Besides, Apostle (2018) was basically Outlast II anyway.

ALTERNATIVE CHOICE: ANDRÉ HOLLAND.

Incredibly talented, underrated and likable, which can prove useful for the MC. André, like Dan, has done horror before and was incredible in it.

J.K. SIMMONS as ‘FATHER’ MARTIN.

Listen. J.K. Simmons is not gonna do this. But I’m just saying. It would be one hell of a movie if we could get him in on our fictional live action. A girl can dream of her favorite fan cast, can’t she?

LOGAN LERMAN as BILLY HOPE.

I want Billy’s back story to be portrayed as dramatically as possible. It IS tragic. Now I know Logan can cry. I’ve seen him do it before. He’s actually a tad too old to play Billy, but we can shave him and apply some make up and we’ll be good to go. With Logan comes his younger fanbase, which will introduce a younger generation of Outlast stans.

ALTERNATIVE CHOICE:

Jack Kilmer. He is the right age BUT despite being a nepotism baby, relatively unknown.

CARY ELWES as RICHARD TRAGER.

Alright, Cary is not gonna do this. But he would be the perfect casting choice. Right age, has done horror before, versatile. I want Rick’s back story and history with Jer to be portrayed in the movie, because it’s very entertaining to me and it’ll give us a better mental image of how terrible and terrifying Rick actually is, before being mutilated by the Morphogenic Machine.

(Part 1 because Tumblr won’t let me post more than 10 images (???) and I don’t know if anyone cares enough to read this lol)

[westofessos]

What I’ve Watched During Quarantine (so far):

TV Shows:

The Last Kingdom - holy shit I love this show and I cannot wait for a new season. Æthelflaed is a badass bitch. But I miss Alfred.

After Life - the most heartbreaking show in the world, with Ricky Gervais being funny between making me cry.

Community - maybe my favourite sitcom. I fucking love this show. I’m containing myself because if I don’t, I’ll go on forever.

Hunters - I love love love love love this weird-ass, terrifying, mind-bending, incredible show. What a ride. Sister Harriet is my favourite even though I don’t trust her.

Tiger King - Yes, along with everyone else I watched this fuckery. What is there to say? I was entertained, that’s it.

Making a Murderer - I was on a roll after Tiger King and wanted something crazy, and I got it. What a bunch of fucked up shit. I can’t believe this is real. Also Kathleen Zellner is a badass bitch and I love her.

Good Omens - I broke down and watched it. And this was the weirdest shit I’ve ever seen but I loved it. Crowley and Aziraphale are a delight. And my history nerd heart couldn’t handle it.

The Boys - wow this was the most disturbing, wonderful show. Truly terrifying but great. Billy Butcher is incredible.

Peaky Blinders - when I say I am in love with Thomas Shelby. Wow. What a fantastic show. I didn’t expect to like it, but I finished all five seasons in less than a week because I’m absolutely addicted. Damn you Thomas Shelby and your pretty eyes.

The Umbrella Academy (S2) - wow wow wow wow what an amazing season. I don’t want to spoil anything but it was absolutely fantastic.

Rewatches:

Lost - my favourite show of all time, and my favourite series finale of all time. Fuck what people say, Lost is brilliant and I would die for this beautiful show.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine - what an all around great time. I just love it so much.

Roseanne - ah, old school Roseanne. My actual favourite sitcom. Y’know, the one that was my entire childhood, basically made me who I am today, only for me to find out that the actress that played my actual idol was a racist. Yeah, that one. It was nice to ignore that though and love my favourite show regardless.

Scrubs - I just watched it for the first time just before quarantine, and decided to watch it again during. What a brilliant show. It means so much to me. Also, Perry Cox is one of the greatest, most complex characters to ever exist. And Carla Espinosa is an underrated queen. I’m also listening to Fake Doctors, Real Friends, which is Zach Braff and Donald Faison’s Scrubs rewatch podcast, and it’s great.

Friends - I missed this show, really. It’s still so great. Chandler Bing is amazing and I forgot how adorable he and Monica are.

Movies:

The Philadelphia Story - again, Cary Grant is lovely. Also, Katherine Hepburn is incredible and I love her.

Rocky 1-4 (haven’t gotten hold of 5 yet) - oh, yes, yes, yes. These movies. I love love love these movies. Rocky and Adrian are the couple.

Cocktail - this one wasn’t bad, considering I hate Tom Cruise. I’d watch it again.

Anastasia - I’ve been wanting to watch this one for a while, and it was awesome. I love Meg Ryan so much.

Rebel Without a Cause - this is such a great teen movie. I was surprised about how much I related to it. Also, as if everyone didn’t already know, James Dean is gorgeous.

Thelma & Louise - what a beautiful story about friendship and badass ladies. This is exactly my shit. Yes.

Steel Magnolias - this was such a lovely, sad movie. Oh, I love it.

The Wedding Planner - this one set me on a JLo kick, because this was such an adorable movie. Her and McConaughey were adorable.

Maid in Manhattan - ah, JLo, you did it again. I loved this one so much. Loved it.

Save the Last Dance - I hadn’t heard of this one, but I saw Julia Stiles and immediately clicked. That was the right choice. This movie was so cute, oh, I loved it.

All the President’s Men - me geeking out over journalism, politics, and history for two hours? Yes please. Also Robert Redford is gorgeous and I never found him that attractive before.

Terms of Endearment - oh, break my goddamn heart why don’t you. Fuck, this was so heartbreaking. I loved it.

Taxi Driver - a garbage movie for garbage people. Imagine if Fight Club just like, wasn’t a good movie. That was the vibe of this one. God, don’t waste your time.

Singin’ in the Rain - what a lovely, fun movie. All three main characters were great, the songs were awesome, the relationships were fun, what more can I say? Oh yeah, Gene Kelly? Damn.

His Girl Friday - overall an okay movie, but it was pretty funny, and Cary Grant. Dear god, I love me some Cary Grant.

Good Will Hunting - oh, fuck me, this movie. How dare you make me feel such things, Matt Damon. What an incredible movie. It made me, a person who hates Ben Affleck, not hate Ben Affleck for two whole hours. It made me cry, of course. Robin Williams, dammit. Wow. And Matt fucking Damon was so brilliant, and so was Minnie Driver, and they were so good together, and I could gush about this movie for days.

Set it Up - as of now, I’ve watched this movie, oh, nine thousand times?? How perfect is this movie? All of the actors are great, and I’d watch two hours of just Charlie looking at Harper. Ugh. The way he looks at her gets me every time.

The Old Guard - I’m not usually a fan of action movies but this one was so good !! I loved the plot and just the idea in general, and all of the characters were so awesome. It was a really great movie.

Rewatches:

Tombstone - I could watch this movie every single day. Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday might be my favourite performance ever. I can quote almost this entire movie, and I don’t even like westerns.

Gladiator - I hadn’t watched this in a long time, and I knew it was good, but it was so, so, so good. Wow.

Memento - maybe my favourite movie ever. Definitely my favourite mind-fuck movie. So cool, and just. . . god, it’s such a good movie. Hats off to you, Chris Nolan.

The Usual Suspects - this is one of my favourite movies of all time. Everyone is so good in it and that ending is incredible. I could gush about this movie forever. Dean Keaton deserved better.

This is the End - such a funny movie, wow. Anything with Seth Rogen and James Franco is good. Jay Baruchel, wow. I adore Jay Baruchel.

You’ve Got Mail - in my books, the best romantic movie ever. I watch this shit constantly. Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks are so adorable together. Add in Dave Chappelle, and it’s perfect.

Unbreakable, Split, and Glass - M. Night Shyamalan is always good and I’ll fight anyone on that. These three expecially. He’s the absolute master.

Back to the Future 1-3 - if I’m being honest, they’re not the greatest movies, but fuck, aren’t they, though? They’re cheesy as hell, but absolutely iconic and I still love the hell out of them.

The Neverending Story - this is the weirdest goddamn movie I’ve ever seen but the nostalgia hit me harddd. This movie was my whole childhood and even though it’s absolutely disturbing, it’s still great.

Talk to me about any of these!! I’m desperate to rant about my favourite movies and tv shows, and if you are too, feel free to reply to this post or message me privately! I’m always ready to talk and gush about things I love.