#god am i gonna get cyberbullied for this

[disneyprincemuke]

not a gamer * fem!driver

lando manages to convince her to start streaming on twitch with him, leading her to influence others to join her

pairings: max verstappen x fem!driver, lando norris x fem!driver, oscar piastri x fem!driver, logan sargeant x fem!driver

warnings: butt load of stupidity

notes: initially, i was gonna write a fic solely about max because he was talking about fornite the other day... but i thought how funny would it be if it were to be with some of the guys so here i am

(series masterlist) | (📂 the rookie season)

"hello, everyone," she smiles, reaching forward to adjust the camera as she squints her eyes. "is this a good angle? let me know if it's flattering, okay? i can't not look good on twitch."

lando has managed to convince her to join him for a stream on twitch, insisting that she should start an account as well. she initially refused, claiming that she's not that well-liked to start an account and have a loyal following. even adding on the fact that she's not even a good gamer to begin with.

but lando said that it doesn't matter, and proved her wrong by setting up a poll on his previous stream just to get her to make an account. which, the effort was very endearing.

"you always look good," she squints, turning away the right where her other monitor sits. she scrunches her nose and turns to the camera to stare into it. "logan, how did you even know i was streaming tonight?"

she rolls her eyes when his reply rolls in, claiming that he follows her twitter where she announced it. "it's time for you to go out and do something else besides stalking me, logan," she scoffs jokingly with the roll of her eyes.

"okay, so this is my first twitch stream!" she beams, sitting up straighter as she grabs her mouse. "i'm just waiting for lando to finish setting up, so i'm afraid you guys are stuck with me alone for a couple of minutes. let's get to know each other, i might be doing this pretty often this winter break just to have a bit of a hobby.

"i wanna know what you guys want to see from me."

a comment immediately rolls in.

user1: i wanna see you play fortnite with lando and max

she grins sheepishly, dropping her head. "guys, i'm not much of a gamer. never have been so this is actually my first time-ish touching games in a long while. my longest experience was playing roblox with my younger brother when we were younger."

user2: how about oscar or logan playing some games?

she presses her lips together, thinking of ways she could be able to convince her best friends to join her for some online games. when, neither of them has really dabbled much in the hobby. "i'm sure logan will be pretty keen to try, but i'm not so sure about oscar. i'll try to convince him, though he's back in australia for the majority of the break, unfortunately. the timezone difference is absolutely insane."

logansargeant: guys, ask her what her hobbies are

"logan, get off my chat!"

logansargeant: im gonna expose you on twitter for cyberbullying

logansargeant: #endcyberbullying2023

user3: #justice4logan

user4: #justice4logan

user5: u should talk about taylor swift

“oh, my god! i should!” she squeals. “we should host a listen party when she releases reputation! how good was the 1989 vault tracks?”

user6: omg ur so right

user7: iion slaps

user8: slut! is my favourite i think

“1989 had the best vault tracks,” she nods, lips pressed together. “my favourite is ‘now that we don’t talk’ because i like calling my mom.”

blythe.yln: where is lando!!!

“guys, i don’t know. he texted me 5 minutes ago saying he was setting up his pc,” she grins into the camera. “hopefully he’s here soon.”

dalton.yln: i miss oscar

oscahpastry: i miss u too

“you’ve got phones, yeah?” she grins, “use it instead of flooding my chat.”

user1: yeah guys, some of us are trying to get her attention

user9: u guys get that enough

user10: leave some for us pls

user11: yeah y so selfish

she scoffs. "right, guys? can you believe these people?"

the discord sound makes her jump, lando's voice filling up her headphones. "yo, i'm sorry! i was looking for my keyboard."

"where'd you find it, lando?"

"under the bed. apparently, that's where i kept it the last time i streamed," lando laughs. "okay, let's start off with a little horror game? it's called phasmophobia."

"a scary game?" she looks at the camera. "why would i willingly play that?"

"lando, i'm gonna kill you!" she screeches, eyes closing as the creepy sounds from the game boost in her headphones. she peeks through her eye, watching the two hands on her screen before the screen goes foggy.

lando's laughter replaces the eerie sounds of the game, making her roll her eyes. "i told you to hide and close the door!”

“i didn’t know where the stupid door even was!” she screams back, slamming the table. “lando, i don’t wanna play this game anymore!”

“but it’s so fun!”

“lando!”

logansargeant: that was funny

logansargeant: lemme join u some time

user11: omg

user11: half the grid’s gonna be on twitch?

“yeah, i’m so nice, right?” she jokes. “i’m letting them explore different career options. influencer era or something, i believe.”

oscahpastry: i only created an account to annoy her :/

seb.v5: same

user12: no shot thats actually sebastian vettel

maxverstappen1: so we are all just here waiting for an invite from these two???

logansargeant: theyre gatekeeping the stream from us :(

maxverstappen1: i wanna play fortnite

seb.v5: wait i know that game

maxverstappen1: let me join or i’ll report your account

“that’s not very nice, max,” she frowns. she looks away for a second. “lando, max says he’ll report my account if we don’t invite him to play fortnite.”

“oh, let him report you. just make another account, mate!” lando laughs. “ask him to join us phasmophobia! it’s so fun seeing you scream.”

she turns to the camera with a lopsided grin. “chat, tell lando you don’t wanna see me scream in phasmo anymore please. i’m sick of this game, i’ve got no idea what i’m doing, and i haven’t guessed the ghost correctly this entire time.”

logansargeant: keep playing phasmophobia u pussy

oscahpastry: yeah pussy

user5: its v entertaining icl

maxverstappen1: but phasmophobia costs money

“costs money?” she repeats, confusion on her face. “max? do you need financial aid?”

user10: isnt max a millionaire??????

user13: bro is complaining about a game that barely costs anything while getting paid millions a year 💀

oscahpastry: that’s wild ngl

maxverstappen1: wow i just got cyberbullied.

maxverstappen1: i’ll go get it now damn.

she sighs. “guess we’re continuing with this stupid game.”

“lando, where am i going?” max shouts, her character watching max’s go around in circles, flickering the flashlight on and off. “what am i even supposed to do?”

teaching one person how to play a complicated game like phasmophobia is easy. teaching two, however, is absolutely absurd. lando doesn’t know how much more of this he can take.

“lando, there’s something written in the book!” she cheers, crouching her character down. she leans into her monitor as she tries to make out what it says. “bitch, it says run!”

she quickly gets up and walks out. “don’t have to tell me twice.”

“run where?” max shouts, his character still running in circles. “(y/n), where are you? escort me out.”

“guys, just stay inside the house and help me out!” lando whines, his character flickering the flashlight at max’s. “turn around, max. i’m here with you.”

“i’m going to the van.”

“no, you’re not! come here and camp the ghost with us!”

“absolutely not! i’m so scared shitless!”

“we should’ve just played fortnite, you know.”

“guys, please! you just have to hold the equipment for me.”

“oh, my god! oh, my god! the front door is locked!” she screams. “the front door is locked!”

logansargeant: lol dsurv

oscahpastry: not so tough now (y/n)

user8: LMFAO THAT GHOST IS HUNTIN

user14: dude the chaos is insane

user15: i need her to stream everyday actually

user16: she’s gonna be an influencer i can feel it in my bones

user17: u guys should try valorant

oscahpastry: i’d join if they play valorant

user4: omg thats crazy

user18: i kinda want to see it

user19: max playing valorant? the rage that man would feel

“lando, i’m dead again!” she screeches, slamming her mouse down into her desk. “we should’ve just played fortnite.”

logansargeant: ur issues with the door are hilarious

user4: i’ll be thinking about your inability to hide in a room for days

oscahpastry: evidence that u wouldnt survive a horror movie at all

seb.v5: maybe you should stick to sitting there and looking pretty

user20: OMG SEB CALLED HER PRETTYYYYY

user21: are we all so shocked?

user22: yeah, he looks at that girl like she aligns the stars in the sky on a race weekend

user23: him during her podium celebration cured my depression (real)

logansargeant: girl why r u just stalking lando as a ghost

“lando,” she whispers. “i saw the ghost in the corner for the room.”

“what?” max asks, voice trembling slightly. “what corner?”

“that corner.”

“what corner?”

“there. i’m pointing at it.”

“i can’t see you, stupid. you’re dead.”

“then that’s too bad.”

“i figured what type of ghost it is!” lando cheers. “follow me, max. let’s get out of this stupid house and play your stupid fortnite or something.”

“oh, how lovely! i saw (y/n)’s chat… something about valorant,” max mutters, following lando through the dark house. “i’ve seen that on tiktok and it looks kinda- lando, why’d you close the door?”

“i told you i saw the ghost lurking more than usual,” she mutters.

“i don’t even know what that means!” max shouts.

“i didn’t close the door, mate!” lando laughs. “go and hide in a room, max!”

“where? i don’t know where to go!” max screams, frantically running around in hopes of finding solace somewhere.

her character follows behind the entity in the game, clearly running around to find max. “oh, she’s coming for you, max! she’s angry!”

“i don’t know where to go!” max screams, his character running by the entryway in confusion. “lando, where do i go?”

“max, she’s coming! go in the closet!”

“what closet? oh, okay! i see it!”

“close the door, max!”

“what door- oh! okay!”

“did he live?”

“i think so. the ghost is lurking outside max’s door,” she grins into the camera, watching the entity walk back and forth outside the room max is in.

“don’t come out yet.”

“not even a chance, mate.”

“okay, she’s gone,” she sighs. “i’m gonna log out and create an account on fortnite.”

“we’re not gonna play valorant?”

“okay, chat, we’re waiting for oscar to finish the tutorial,” she smiles. “we should be in our first game in a couple of minutes.”

user24: bro ur tutorial was horrendous

user25: i love watching people be bad at valorant

user26: shes so real for that though

user27: she’d play sage for sure

seb.v5: i can’t believe you got oscar to join you

user28: and logan 🤨

user17: outrageous that i’ve been begging the grid to join lando’s streams and here she comes casually getting them to play silly games

user3: real

user28: everyone say thank you (y/n)

blythe.yln: i can’t believe u didnt ask me to join u

blythe.yln: i’m the best at valorant

blythe.yln: i’m better than dalton

user29: YES BLYTHE SPEAK YOUR TRUTH

“so, what do i do again, dalton?” lando asks softly. “what’s the ‘e’ button do?”

“puts up a wall,” the younger kid says. “and then it heals you too, but damages other people. even your teammates.”

“who’s this eminem looking bro?” max asks, giggling slightly. “frank ocean, i saw on tiktok.”

user30: my roman empire is blythe being a pro valorant player but this is the first time her sister is trying the game

“well, i’m sorry for doing other things than playing valorant,” she jokes with a smile. “but, yes, guys! blythe plays valorant for a living which is exactly why we didn’t invite her to play.”

user31: blythe is a pro val player!!?!?!?

user31: since when??

blythe.yln: yeah guys follow my twitch, i’ll treat u better

“i’m going to ban you from my chat if you keep marketing, blythe,” she frowns, though a smile creeping up on her face. “where is dalton?”

blythe.yln: dalton is my valorant spawn… i taught him what he knows

user31: dalton to go pro in a couple years?

user32: omg that’s crazy

user1: the yln’s are gonna take over the valorant scene

user6: blythe getting a redbull gaming clutch would be to die for

“mate, dalton, what’s this girl in the yellow jacket do? she looks stylish,” oscar asks.

“she’s got a turret and grenades,” dalton answers simply.

“alright, how do i get her?”

“you gotta play the game.”

“oh, what? that’s so unfair.”

“yeah, i’m sure that sucks that you’ve got to play the game, oscar,” she says. “where is logan?”

“i’m sorry,” the sigh in logan’s sentence making her laugh. “i got stuck.”

“how?” oscar asks with a laugh. “they literally tell you what to do.”

“i couldn’t find the buttons they were asking me to press,” logan mumbles with a hint of disappointment.

“are you actually intellectually hindered, mate?” she cries with a laugh, covering her eyes. “do you not frequent a laptop?”

“not really, no.”

“it shows,” oscar adds on.

blythe.yln: he’s gonna be shit

user5: so real i can alr see it

user11: dude they’re gonna be screaming at each other soon

“let’s do a quick test game,” dalton mutters as logan’s in-game name pops up on the screen. “just a short game.”

“with real people?” lando asks in a small voice. “that can trash talk me?”

“just trash talk them back, mate,” max answers. “easy.”

“just find their ip address and hit them,” logan suggests. “that’s easier.”

“what?”

“don’t pretend like you wouldn’t do it too, (y/n)!” logan whines. “come on, let’s start!”

“how do i defuse the spike?” max screams, looking at the ground as he runs around. “where even is it?”

“your left,” dalton says. “keep walking.”

blythe is now sat next to her older sister, leg propped up in her seat as she watches the screen.

“okay, okay, go to the right and look right here,” blythe mutters, pointing at the screen. “and then aim right here,” she adjusts her sister’s mouse, “when you see somebody, shoot.”

“that’s not fair. (y/n)’s literally got a pro helping her with the game,” oscar complains.

“you’re dead. literally doesn’t matter if someone’s helping you or not,” logan states. “we suck, man.”

“okay, i figured out how to defuse the bomb,” max says softly. “what now?”

“learn to play better,” blythe says loud enough for the microphone to pick up her voice. “i’ll teach you guys.”

“thank you for tuning into my stream,” she grins with a clap. “i appreciate all of the support and teaching me how to play the games. and roasting me.”

logansargeant: bro we suck

seb.v5: should stick to racing and leave gaming to blythe and dalton

“i read each and every comment you guys sent in the chat and they’re all very endearing. except yours, seb,” she stares into the camera with a stern expression, “yours were just outright unnecessary and kinda mean.”

oscahpastry: start a podcast next

maxverstappen1: i wanna be first guest

user16: please stream regularly!!

user10: make oscar play lethal company or i’ll cry

oscahpastry: stop giving her ideas

user21: when r u streaming again

“i will try to stream in a couple of days, after my shoots and marketing stuff with the team,” she grins. “thank you for watching me scream for 4 hours. catch you guys soon. stay kind and stay safe.”

user2: i’ll miss you 🫶🏼

taglist: @wcnorris @treehouse-mouse @laura-naruto-fan1998 @mindless-rock @inejismywife @vellicora @leilanixx @meadhgbcavanagh @2bormaybenot @ironmaiden1313 @angsthology @cherry-piee @christianpulisic10 @elliegrey2803 @cashtons-wife @love4lando @sadg3 @bborra @a10vely-yutazen @mellowarcadefun

[atreyushortcake]

Are some RoR/SnV artists aware that they are supporting A p3do and a tracer?(Beware of Rebjastonia)

TW: mentions of minors being depicted in disturbing scenarios

(Disclaimer:Do not witchhunt or cyberbully ANYONE i mentioned in this post. Also, everything I state in this post is alleged, I am not the government, I am not the law, everything stated in this post is alleged)

Hello, normally you would see fanart for various fandoms but most notably Record of Ragnarok. This post? this is not something I would normally do but I wanted to spread awareness about an artist by the name of Rebjastonia. Some of you may be familiar with this person but if you dont know who Rebjastonia is, she is an artist known for her Record of Ragnarok ocs, especially this one here

This girlie here is Femit, “the 14th valkyrie” and the daughter of Adamas. Ok here is when it gets interesting, “she is the youngest valkyrie, even younger than Göll and she is often hidden.” My problem with Femit is that she doesn’t even look that young at all and second, there are canonly only 13 valks in Record Of Ragnarok, and obviously Göll being the youngest. You cant even add another valkyrie to the story unless if its an au of who were the original valkyries before the ones we all know and love in RoR. (unless if you count Zerofuku from round 6)

MOVING ON TO THE MOST IMPORTANT PARTS

When I scrolled in her profile, I noticed some of her art looked off. Some of you fellow viewers may ask “Caro, is there anything wrong with any of her works” well, the mold grows here….

Take a closer look at this gentleman by the name of Sobek, the egyptian crocodile god…. I dont fucking remember im sorry.

If you look closely, you could even find this oc’s pose familiar. You guessed it, the official render of Adam from the anime.

the two images laid on top of each other

As you can see, the entire posture of the oc and the official render is almost nearly identical but the only difference from the original image is that Sobek’s arm is more closer to his hip.

Here is another example(I am not going to share the name of the original artist for the sole purpose of protecting people’s privacy. Rebjastonia’s may have a few differences but the similarities are still rather uncanny)

WARNING:THE NEXT PART MAY BE DISTURBING FOR SOME VIEWERS

This is the most serious part here. While I was scrolling in her deviant art page, I found something very messed up…… I am not gonna bother sharing the actual image, even if I censor it but I will show you the description and the title of the drawing.

“But Carolina, arent the characters depicted as adults in that image you speak of?” Well, the aging up excuse is a tactic that some NSFW artists and proshippers use to depict minors in nasty situations yet they never change anything at all and thats similar to what was shown in the image Rebjastonia drew.

Take a quick look at Souji and Goll

And here is what was said about them

I know some of you may say “waaaaaaa but they're 1800 years old” yeah, thats the same old excuse that proshippers use but the character’s soul is still inside a child’s body.

In conclusion, if you still want to support Rebjastonia, it’s completely up to you but please think twice and be aware of her actions and the warnings about her stated in this post.

(UPDATE 2/28/24) It comes to my attention that she left the internet, she deleted every single post on her facebook, her deviantart along with a blacked out pfp, but somehow her insta is still up, it just has nothing on there.

[dirtytransmasc]

I need to go on a rant, cause I'm sick and tired and if a TG fan wants to check me on anything I said, go ahead and do it, cause I feel like with how frustrated I am, I might step out of line (I'm trying my hardest not to I swear)

genuine question, what happens when *Those* TB stans go out of their way to """""discourse""""" (argue to the point that they make stuff up, resort to insults, or remove any and all context form a situation to make their take make sense) and then get absolutely destroyed, almost every time?

like after they bombard your page/inbox with more asks/rude comments/etc. what happens?

also, why do they do it? if they're not willing to have a constructive conversation and don't care about plot at all, why do they strive to have "conversation" at all. like I get the ego boost and their need to preach their love for TB, but at the same time, isn't it tiring?

espeically when they target people they must very well know aren't gonna change their minds? like neither of us are gonna shift our footing bud, just leave it?

and then the attention seeking, dear god. if I ignore or block these people, they pop back up with a vengance, and then I'm risking danger to myself and my page (via death/harm threats, cyberbullying, dox threats even which take my safe place away) but if I react I give them what they want.

what my question really is, is why do some TB stans have to act like toddlers? I don't say this to belittle or insult or call names, that just the only way I can describe it. the impulsivity. the anger, the short tempers, the immaturity. it makes this fandom a hellhole I don't want to be a part of.

and yeah, it sucks for TG fans, but you wanna know who it also sucks for? other TB fans, ones who don't follow this blind worship of the TB characters, the TB fans who like TG as well, TB fans that enjoy genuninly discoursing.

like... I don't want to say "TB fanbase get your fans please, be a productive fandom, share space with TG and set a precedent so we don't all have to be miserable" cause that kinda unfair, fandom shouldn't be a job or something to be tasked with, but at the same time, I kinda do. I kinda wanna say it cause while I can't speak for all of TG fans, I know a majority of the people I'm close with in this fandom can agree, there's a constant degree of just... bleh. I won't say we're all miserable or considering quitting the fandom, but its just like, "why do we have to put up with this?"

like, why do we have to get rude asks? why do people have to make targeted posts about us/our content? why can't we just enjoy the fandom space?

I'm just tired. this isn't my first rodeo, it's so far from it. its happened in a lot of fandom's I've been in, and no matter what they're always those fans no matter where you go. I will give it to this fandom to be the worst, cause the level of eugenics like talk of blood purity and in-universe and out of universe racism is actually insane.

so while I've accepted that no fandom will ever be perfect I can't help but think, why? why does it have to be like this. it may be a fruitless conversation to have, as I've never seen it work before, but I'm really tired of just taking it and keeping my mouth shut.

[cryptidcaptain]

things I want americans on tumblr to understand about the uk:

- no, not every single brit benefitted from colonialism. in fact, it was pretty much entirely the upper class, feeding slightly into the middle. it was the same now as it is today, the upper class and those in charge (which are in effect, pseunonymous) profited off the suffering of millions abroad and kept the spoils entirely to themselves

- this meant, in short, the working class in britain had no money, no foreign goods, and no influence to change any of it. AND through the show stoppingly brilliant power of blind nationalism, the upper class convinced the country (AGAIN, as they are doing today) that this model was absolutely perfect, and the envy of the world (please look up what victorian slums and workhouses were like. Britain profited hugely off its empire but these people saw none of it)

- tl;dr entrenched class system

- so what do you think they ate ? foreign fruits and spices ? FUCK no, no way in hell they could afford that shit

- and guess what ? still can't ! the recipes and base ingredients used have changed over the years but in essence, the "weird haha gross" foods (which, I might add, are almost entirely northern, scottish, and irish) are things people eat because they have no money to produce anything nicer.

- oh and what happened with scotland and ireland again ? oh right yeah, they were taken over by the english and treated like absolute trash (Irish troubles anyone?). their languages almost went extinct because they were banned from speaking them.

- guess what else is working class ? all those lovely accents you enjoy making fun of ! haha dont you just love when you talk the way everyone around you does and then get told in school that your accent will make interviewing for jobs and unis harder :)) (yes, that does happen)

- stop being classist

- boris johnson n the tories are right there, please, we'd love you to take the piss out of them as much as trump and the republicans, they're posh twats and are actively seeking to destroy our lives (particularly the working class) for personal monetary gain

- this isnt a fucking joke. i dont care if you're joking, I'm not. literally if you make a joke in poor taste and someone says "agh, maybe dont do that its reminiscent of the classism I experience" then maybe you. should reevaluate how much making the joke is really important to you ?

- clown on this post and I will block you, im not debating this im just ranting.

[glitteronadumpsterfire]

Exuse what the...f? Are you asking me not to send you any trash but scription say ASK ME STUPID SHIT... Wtf? Is this a split personality? And yeah... two married man? Really? Since when is Vince married? Did i miss something? BTW marriage doesn't mean happiness i don't think N and his golden digger are really into each other... So... I don't care if you bi you are still homophobic, bc you do not allow a thought that they COULD do it many years before... Ur homophobic mind just can take it..

I-

Dude-

Just

[sebastianshaw]

Meme from "Broad City" quotes

“You said if you were ever going to do same sex experimentation, it was going to be with me.”

"Who would you rather go down on you? Michael Bublé or Janet Jackson?”

“Can Janet Jackson go down on me while Michael Bublé narrates it in song?”

“What’s an Arch de Triumph?”

“It’s when two dudes go down on us, is how I picture it, and they’re butt to butt and then you and I do Oprah hands.”

“I really don’t feel like going into work today.”

"Great, I’ll see you in 30 days then. . . biiiiitch.”

“Maybe your dad should have pulled out.”

“I need someone for the amazing race because my mom just pulled out.”

“I also have business with the bank. I’d like to cash these nickels, and I’ll have them in quarters, please. Thank you so much.”

“I’m a sexual X-Man. I’m Wolverine. I’m Vulvarine!”

"Oh my Lady God, thank you!"

“The vagina is nature’s pocket. It’s natural and responsible.”

“I would take you on my shoulders – like I’d strap you up and be like, ‘Let’s go through helllll.’”

“I’m not sexually aroused, I’m fiscally aroused.”

“That’s literally a one stop pussy shop. I love it!”

“I finally figured out my eyebrows, They’re sisters, not twins.”

“Four R’s, my friend-- Reduce, Reuse, Recycle, Rihanna.”

“Statistically we’re headed toward an age where everybody’s going to be, like, caramel and queer.”

“I’m an adult and I’m responsible. Let’s go get some candy.”

“I finally masturbated above the covers without my eyes being closed.”

“I just want to get home and watch my shows.”

"You just pulled a bag of pot out of your vagina."

"Do you ever get hair from your head stuck in your buttcrack in the shower?"

"I'm still not over Amy Winehouse."

"I can't really imagine what it's like for people with blue eyes."

"This isn't a sugar daddy thing. This is just an old established guy paying for his younger friend who he also has sex with kind of thing."

"You're like 12, right?"

"I love me some dumplings. It's like a squirrel clutch with a meatball in it."

"I was so worried I baked a whole cake and then I ate a whole cake."

"In da clerb, we all fam."

"I know you from your ass better than I know your face."

"I respect you respecting me."

"You know what's cool about this party? We're the sexiest girls here."

"I'll pick up your poop. You're worth it."

"This is what living on the edge looks like."

"You got beauty. You got brains. You're a fucking genius. Do you wanna kiss?"

"You look sexy and vivacious and artsy and, like, young-wife material but, like, taut and teasy still. It's a perfect combo."

“Witches aren’t monsters, they’re just women! They’re fucking women who cum and giggle and play in the night. And that’s why everybody wants to set them on fire ‘cause they’re so fucking jealous."

"YAS KWEEN!"

“I AM NOT A MOM!”

"You never know if you never try and if you never try you never know."

“I’m only 27, what am I? A child bride?”

"You have been busting my balls all day over a sahaaaandwich shahooppe?!"

"I don’t watch anything but solo porn because regular porn is like, “Shut up, little girl! Wash my feet!” And she’s like "uhhh don’t tell my dad ok? Because I’m just barely legal. I love shaved pubes and tanned, crispy bellies and taints.” It’s like ugh!"

"I don’t have any money. I’m a wittle baby."

“Buckle up, buttercup”

"Money is a mind control technique that used to quantify the progress of the patriarchy!"

"Nose, vagina, butthole. If God didn’t want us to put our fingers up then then why did She make them perfectly finger sized ?"

"I’ll see you when u wake up, and if you don’t wake up I’ll still see you cause I’m gonna kill myself and meet you in heaven or whatever.”

"If you train your eyes, you can see their religion”

“I know it’s like “pwease Mr. Cwusty old white man, can I pwease keep my ovaries?” Alright bitch you better vote, text me when you do”

“I mean we had been together how long, and I still never saw nipples?”

“OOPS I guess I don’t know my own strength”

“Pillows are nature’s packing peanuts!”

“The student has become the teacher!”

"This is some high class shit."

"It's 2014. Anal is on the menu."

"Where ISN'T the bathroom?"

"I was cyberbullied within an INCH of my life last night"

“I saw your tweets and I wanted to check you out but I also wanted to respect your space”

"I am going to respect your dick later."

“You’re my lil cupcake”

“I once ate a corn on the cob. Including the cob”

"Ugh, who YELLS?"

"GET OFF THE BALLS AND GO!"

"Wanna get, like, a bunch of hot dogs?"

"Did you draw that painting?"

“You have to swipe yaas, you can’t swipe naas.”

“I fucked you in the ASS the first night we did ANYTHING. I think that’s pretty fuckin mature."

"Well aren't you a hot diggity dog and a scalawag to boot?"

"In the club, we are all family. Are you racist?"

“Welcome to Florida, America’s droopy dick”

"This is the men's room. Uh DOIIII!"

“You’re so full of shit I need a plunger."

“Thank you SO much for calling me a star”

"I'm an adult. I should be buying my own pot."

"Coat racks AREN'T for babies!"

"My biggest weakness is that I lose my purse a lot. But my biggest strength is that I always get it back."

"I like to call it jazz becomes it comes out of my horn, and you never know where it's gunna go."

"White people do that dog thing. Black people don't make out with dogs."

"Next thing you know you're pregnant with his sperm and he's sanding down your headboard shirtless."

"We are garbage people living on garbage island!"

"I didn't know you had a veneer and I'm in that mouth on a regular basis."

"I'm not putting weed up inside of me because I'm an adult and I'm responsible."

"I really think you should put your weed in your front hole."

“We’re technically homeless right now.”

"Your ass looks incredible."

"Your ass looks incredible. Your head and body too. But we all know who’s the star of the show here.”

“Who am I? Honey, I have a cyst on my uterus and I need to get fucked until it pops.”

“You want me to FaceTime from the bathroom?”

“Dude, I would follow you into hell, brother!”

“Well, you are funny.”

"Animated movies are where it's at. They're like visual crack."

"All Hollywood media is porn, and all porn is kiddie porn. We live in a rape culture. We just do."

"Who would leave weed in a wall? A weed genius. And she'd leave it there indefinitely in case of emergency."

"Isn't it nuts that pickles were cucumbers? They're the trans people of the vegetable community."

"We are an incredible team and I love you."

"Smart and sexy. She is unreal, this girl."

"I've been overeating this week."

"How DARE you LIE to your WIFE?!"

"Do I or do I not have herpes?"

"Follow your third eye--your clit."

"It's my birthday, I'M KING OF THE WORLD!"

"I mean, the female form---God's hottest creation."

"You have to respect the sanctity of the RSVP."

"Okay, something seems very locked up inside of you."

"You have a way of tainting everything I love."

"I'm gonna be like a successful artist any day now."

"Yeah, I don't wanna rise and grind anymore. I wanna rise and then like lay back down."

"It's like we knew it would happen but we didn't do anything about it."

"ADRENALINE!"

"To be honest, I'm really happy with the way I look."

"WANNA FOOK?"

"Never have I ever read a newspaper."

"This is what living on the edge looks like."

[akechicrimes]

7 or 71 for either shuake or yukamitsu [big eye emojis]

7. “I told you that I’d never leave you; I’m not going anywhere.”

On Goro’s thirty-fourth birthday at ten-thirty in the morning, Akira calls him at work and says, “Happy birthday, dear. I just got hit by a car, and I need to know what color bike you want.”

*

On Goro’s thirty-fourth birthday at ten-thirty in the morning, Akira calls him at work (which Goro dubiously eyeballs for a whole four seconds before picking up) and says, “Happy birthday, dear. I just got hit by a car, and I need to know what color bike you want.”

Well, neither Goro nor Akira own a car for Akira to drive, so that means Akira got hit on foot. Goro is very calm, and has no immediate panic response to that, because he’s a rational and responsible adult. “Are you dead?” Goro asks.

“Probably not.”

“And is there a reason you’re calling me instead of the ambulance?”

“Oh, I’m fine. I think I have a bruise on one of my legs, if that counts. But I was riding your bike when it happened, so the bike got totaled, so, you know. They’ve got the same model you had, but there’s tons of new colors, if you want pictures.”

Goro takes a very long, very deep breath. Goro is very, extremely calm. “Anything is fine,” he says. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, hundred percent. I even landed on my feet; you should’ve seen it.”

“You should go to the ER anyway,” says Goro, in a voice that is truly the epitome of calm.

“I mean, I guess I could, but that seems like a waste of time. And I don’t want to just leave your bike in the middle of the road.”

“Throw it away if it’s wrecked, then.”

“But it deserves a proper send-off.”

“You’re doing this to me on my birthday, Kurusu.”

“I’ll go to the ER if you go with me,” says Akira hopefully, who is a perennially bad influence who is of the opinion that Goro should have just said he’d be ‘working from home’ and spent the day with him.

Goro takes a look at his calendar, tallies up how many meeting he’d have to reschedule, and waits a whole five seconds before he lets himself say, “Fine,” because Akira just said that he’s fine and Goro isn’t upset and everything is so calm that Goro can wait five seconds before agreeing to leave work. “I’ll see you at Leblanc.”

“Wait, wait, which color for the bike? They’ve got green, blue, a red, a kind of fun rose-gold thing, which is a bit excessive considering it’s a bike, and teal, and a kind of blue and orange Naruto-y thing…”

“Anything is fine.” Goro stops. “Except the last one.”

“Red it is! See you in a bit.”

“Don’t ride that bike back to Leblanc,” says Goro, as if lightning might strike twice on the same day on the same man riding the same model bike of the same color, but Akira’s already hung up. Goro speed-drafts a rescheduling email, copy-pastes it to four different people, and then sprints out the office door without even a goodbye to his coworkers.

*

Friday, 11:16 AM

FUTABA: hey

FUTABA: hey goro

FUTABA: hey gorororororororororo

FUTABA: HEY MR AKECHI KURUSU

GORO: If it’s about the traffic accident, I heard about it.

GORO: I’m going back to Leblanc now.

FUTABA: no it’s smthg else

FUTABA: well it is about the accident but i got smthg else for u

FUTABA sent MOV19.mp4

FUTABA: ripped this from the traffic cam

GORO: Is this footage of the accident?

FUTABA: yeehaw

GORO: …Thank you for the offer, but I don’t know if I want to see this.

FUTABA: ok i hear u but i promise it’s hilarious

FUTABA: and also u might feel better if u see it

FUTABA: like idk what he told u on the phone but like

FUTABA: look the car even slowed down at the intersection

FUTABA: the dude was obeying traffic laws and everything he was doing something like ten under the speed limit

FUTABA: the car ENTIRELY missed akira

FUTABA: got the bike full on

FUTABA: and then he just rolls up across the hood and up the windshield like a looney toon

FUTABA: rip ur bike tho it just goes cronch

FUTABA: instant pretzel

FUTABA: ty bichael for ur sacrifice

FUTABA: also idk i figured you

FUTABA: might wanna see for urself that he’s okay

FUTABA: like u can see him stand up at the end and he’s not even confused or anything he’s super duper ok

FUTABA: he’s not bullshitting u over the phone and pretending he’s ok when he’s not ok

FUTABA: u know how he does lmao

GORO: …Huh.

GORO: He really did land on his feet for a whole second there, didn’t he?

FUTABA: yeah like a cat

FUTABA: it’s nuts tbh

FUTABA: and then he remembers he’s a human and falls on his ass LMAO

FUTABA: show it to morgana i want his professional kitty cat opinion on the matter

FUTABA: rate akira’s near death experience

FUTABA: also the driver was v nice and v apologetic and he gave akira his insurance

FUTABA: but i have his home address and work address and phone number and the name of his dog if you want it

GORO: Just the insurance will be fine.

FUTABA: kk

GORO: …And thanks for sending the video.

GORO: Even though I already knew he was fine.

FUTABA: you know those like

FUTABA: itty bitty teeny weeny micro dogs

FUTABA: that are like four and a half pounds

FUTABA: but they think they can take any mfer on the block out of sheer will alone

FUTABA: and theyve always got their eyeballs bulging out and they pick fights with 70 pound dogs

FUTABA: and they have only two emotions which are rage and anxiety and they shake constantly because theyre only four pounds and they have So Much Emotion and nowhere to put it so they vibrate at the speed of sound

GORO: Is this a metaphor about me.

FUTABA: it’s a metaphor about you

FUTABA: because i can hear your shaky angry anxious four pound vibrating all the way from the other side of tokyo

GORO: You are the smallest, angriest, most anxious person I know, who regularly picks fights with international hacking organizations and billion-dollar companies.

GORO: And I, somehow, am the angry shaky dog.

FUTABA: your husband got hit by a car on ur birthday

GORO: I know that.

GORO: I do not need to be reminded.

FUTABA: ah yeah

FUTABA: sorry

GORO: He’s fine.

GORO: He said he’s fine.

GORO: And from this footage, he’s more than fine.

FUTABA: he is super double extra fine with a side of fine

GORO: Unless this footage was in any way edited.

GORO: And unless he was faking his call, somehow.

GORO: In which case, I’m going to walk into Leblanc and find out that he was just pretending to be okay so he could hear my voice one last time and Leblanc will be swarming with police officers to break the news the newly bereaved.

GORO: But that’s not going to happen.

GORO: Because Akira is fine, and I’m perfectly fine.

FUTABA: im rly glad to hear my man

GORO: This footage isn’t edited, is it.

FUTABA: no

GORO: Are you very sure?

GORO: Videos are easily modified.

GORO: Would you even know if it was edited?

FUTABA: yes im a literal wizard of course i would know

FUTABA: where are u even getting this idea from

GORO: The entire series of events is unrealistic, isn’t it?

GORO: You said yourself that it was almost like something out of a cartoon.

GORO: The likelihood that someone gets hit by a car and comes out of it entirely no worse for wear is practically ridiculous.

FUTABA: i ripped that film straight from the cam it is entirely unedited

GORO: But how can you be sure? Did you see him in live camera?

FUTABA: i mean no but he texted me

GORO: What if that was his dying text.

FUTABA: i rly dont know if his dying text would have been the “i lived bitch” meme with the cat filter

FUTABA: he’s fine dude

FUTABA: that’s why i sent you the video

GORO: I KNOW he’s fine.

GORO: I’m asking if there’s any solid evidence.

FUTABA: THE VIDEO

GORO: I’m going to call him. Brb

FUTABA: so what he can tell you he’s fine AGAIN and you’ll be like

FUTABA: “oh but what if it was secretly a pod person who stole his body after he died tragically after calling me one last time to hear my voice”

FUTABA: he is FINE

FUTABA: like go ahead and call him if u want but

FUTABA: the only person who was gonna edit that footage was me

FUTABA: and if he were dead i would not be functioning enough to be doing any kinda photoshop like that

FUTABA: let alone LIE to you jesus christ!!!!!

FUTABA: god

FUTABA: i pronounce you King Shaky Dog

FUTABA: the tiniest and angriest and shakiest and most anxious four pound goblin

FUTABA: i will reclaim my title tomorrow

FUTABA: for now it’s my birthday gift to you

FUTABA: the title of Shaky Dog allows you to go absolutely apeshit and nobody will judge you

GORO: You know I hate birthday presents.

FUTABA: did you call akira

GORO: I hate birthday presents so much that I will be refusing my title as King Shaky Dog and will henceforth not be going ape shit.

FUTABA: ok so

FUTABA: i didnt mean to

FUTABA: get snippy with you or anything

GORO: It’s fine.

GORO: I wasn’t… exactly polite, myself.

GORO: So.

FUTABA: um

FUTABA: you really can call him if you want

FUTABA: there’s nothing wrong with that

FUTABA: between u and me……………………. i definitely did that more than once for a lot lesser reasons than someone getting hit by a car

GORO: My stop is in less than thirty seconds.

GORO: I will probably live.

FUTABA: lmao ok well

FUTABA: if u change ur mind about losing ur shit then please know i gave u that footage in the first place because i think if something like that happened to MY partner i would mcfreakin lose it

FUTABA: speaking of her

FUTABA: sumi says happy birth btw

FUTABA: but cuter because u know how she is

FUTABA: “happy birthday crow-senpai~~~~~~~~” in her shy voice that makes u wanna die

FUTABA: ofoogofhghhfoghfhhghfh g gh SUMI ur so cute ilysm

GORO: Tell her I said thanks.

GORO: And stop telling me how much you love her and use the ring you made me go ring shopping with you for.

FUTABA: HHHHH

FUTABA: im being cyberbullied for being a cowardly lesbian

GORO: I’m at my stop, by the way, so I’m going offline.

FUTABA: which tbh i probably deserve

FUTABA: oh kk see u

FUTABA: watch the video again mr shaky dog

FUTABA: akira is fine

FUTABA: everyone is alive

FUTABA: you are one year older

FUTABA: happy birthday goro

*

The bike is totaled.

Akira isn’t the sort of person to dump a piece of trash right in front of Leblanc, but it’s hard to miss sticking out of the nearby public trash bin. The back wheel has exploded into serrated wheel-spokes and limb rubber bits that Akira’s shoved into the trash as best as he could. The body of the bike is crushed in on itself, exposing its sharp hollow innards; the handlebars resemble a badly-tied knot. The front wheel is left to stick up and out, creaking gently, spinning overhead from half a hinge like a head not quite fully severed.

The cafe is empty except for its usual barista who, of course, is a very normal and mild-mannered barista, who has nothing to do with the several hundred millions worth of dollars of repatriated art hiding in the attic en route back to South Korea. That would be illegal, of course, and Akira Kurusu-Akechi has never once in his life done anything illegal in the name of what’s morally right. “Welcome back, dear,” says Akira, and hangs up a coffee mug to dry, and it’s so normal that Goro is convinced that either he’s experiencing yesterday, or maybe he’s re-experiencing the year 2016 all over again, or maybe Akira really is dead and this is just his ghost.

Goro sits in his usual spot at the bar. Same chair, sixteen years later. Unbelievable. Maybe Goro’s giving him a little bit of a dumbfounded look, because Akira tilts his head, leans across the bar, and pecks Goro on the cheek.

“Where’s Sakura?” Goro asks.

“Having his midday old man nap. So,” says Akira, looking pleased with himself, “either we can close Leblanc for an hour and raid the kitchen and make lunch, or we can close Leblanc and go out and have a fancy lunch. Your choice because I already made dinner reservations and we’re doing those no matter what.”

Goro really means to give him an answer, because Akira really does love Goro’s birthday every year and never fails to pick someplace nice for the day, but instead what comes out of his mouth is: “Did you ride the new bike back home?”

“Yeah, I did. Figured I might as well take it for a test drive. It’s a good bike.”

“Why didn’t you take the subway?” Goro says sharply.

“Didn’t have my card.”

“You just rode the bike all the way across Tokyo?”

“It wasn’t all the way across Tokyo, just a bit away and back… Goro?”

Ah, Goro’s going to become one of those people who has a meltdown any time their loved one gets on a plane or a train or ksomething else associated with heebie-jeebie nonsense magical thinking. Great. Fantastic. God dammit.

“Do you really want me to go to the ER?” Akira asks eventually.

Goro really wants Akira to have never gotten hit in the first place, but people don’t get what they want and sometimes the universe decides to send one bad fucking driver through a red light and take away Akira’s entire life in a split second—one mistake, a coincidence at the wrong place and time, and the boy who fought God and won is a smear of bones on the pavement.

This would be different if it were sixteen years ago, and Goro had the power to bend people’s minds in half until they broke, or dive into the deepest, bloodiest parts of the collective psyche and pummel the worst of them to a pulp—but what’s he going to do here? Lambast a guy who was going ten miles under the speed limit and just wasn’t looking the right way? Is he going to summon a new Persona from his soul and undo time itself?

Can he do anything if the universe decides, one day, that Akira’s time on this earth is up? He spent all those years desperate for power, and then abusing that power, and then desperately guilty for having abused that power, and then desperately trying to get up that power, and now here he is with the power to do jack shit when his husband almost gets run over and if the Metaverse were still around he swears he would have carved Loki from his own soul out of sheer fury alone—

“No,” says Goro sharply, and stands up. “It’s nothing. I’m not hungry, and I’m going for a walk. Please don’t text me unless it’s an emergency.”

“What—hey! Goro, wait, wait—”

“I’m getting some fresh air!”

Akira’s scrambling to get out from behind the bar. “Didn’t you just get here—?”

Goro spins around and points a finger at Akira like it’s his fault: “You were the one,” he snarls, “who promised, when we got married, that we’d always be together. And now you get hit on a bike, and then stand up like it’s nothing and—and get on another bike and go cycling around the exact same streets where you got hit—? Aren’t you scared? Are you trying to get yourself killed?”

Akira falls silent. “I didn’t go back to the same intersection,” he says at last.

Goro can’t take this. “I’m taking a walk.”

“Wait wait wait, Goro, just—” Akira grabs Goro’s hand and Goro has the sudden urge to yank his arm away, but Akira’s hand is also incredibly real, just like it felt this morning and yesterday and the day before that and all the days Goro ever took Akira’s living, breathing body for granted. “I didn’t think it was a big deal. He was going, I dunno, twenty miles per hour at most. It was an intersection. He’d slowed down beforehand and everything, and I didn’t even get hurt on the fall.”

Right, because Goro’s the one who’s just freaking out for no reason. Right. Okay. Because that’s how he is, isn’t he, always being dramatic over little things. Right. Of course. This is fine.

When Goro doesn’t turn around, Akira moves around to the front to look him in the eye. “Sorry if I made you worry,” says Akira. “But it was really nothing at all.”

“Maybe it was nothing this time,” says Goro forcefully. “But what about the next time—the next car—the next time you borrow my bike? What about tomorrow? Or the day after that? Literally any one of the hundreds and hundreds of days coming up where you could easily die just as easily as you died today.”

“Then I’ll escape death hundreds and hundreds of times,” says Akira.

Goro scoffs.

“I mean it. I was a Phantom Thief, wasn’t I? I escaped death more than once. Did it again today. I’ll do it as many times as it takes until we’re both old and grey.” Akira takes Goro’s hand, but it’s Goro who laces their fingers together.

“Sometimes it doesn’t work that way,” says Goro, like a bad echo of his ten-year-old self, trying to figure out what kind of world would let his mother die.

“I’m just keeping my promise,” says Akira. “I told you that I’d never leave you. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Sometimes that’s not your decision to make.”

“It is and I’ve decided I’m immortal until you die.”

Goro scoffs. “Don’t be arrogant.”

“Is it being arrogant? I didn’t let death steal you away from me. I’m not letting it steal me away from you, either.”

“Sometimes…” Goro begins.

“'Sometimes’ what?”

'Sometimes’ what?

Sometimes things get worse. People die early, and unfulfilled; they streak through the sky in a blaze and then wink out, without even a burst of fire to show for it. Sometimes nobody gets a say in what happens, and plans don’t pan out, and wishes aren’t granted, and everything happens for no good reason and no good end.

Today, Goro Akechi-Kurusu is thirty-four years old, about sixteen years older than he ever figured he was going to be. He has a career in a non-profit for maladjusted youth getting reacclimated to school systems and preparing for college, instead of the career in law he figured he’d have if he actually lived that long. He doesn’t just have one friend, but multiple friends. He has, unbelievably, a husband, which honestly still floors him to this day, considering that he was and maybe still is convinced that marriage is a scam devised by asshole men like his father to manipulate young women into a false sense of security. The other day, Akira mentioned that he wanted to get a cat to keep Morgana company, maybe in a few years when they moved into a pet-friendly apartment, and in Goro’s head, it made sense that they would both be alive and together entire years in the future for them to get a cat.

Today is already an impossible day, isn’t it?

“Sometimes,” says Goro flatly, “you say ridiculous things, and I think that you could actually pull it off.”

Akira grins. Akira leans in for their regular greeting kiss when one of them comes home, but this time, Goro closes his eyes, leans into it, really tries to memorize the feel of Akira’s lips on his. Every line and scar on his hands, the odd ends of his fingernails, that familiar way he waits for four beats, then takes a breath through his nose and kisses Goro again, and never can quite seem to avoid kissing him more on the bottom lip than the top. “I don’t make promises I can’t keep,” he says plainly not three inches from Goro’s face. “It’s bad form to leave a calling card and never show up.”

Goro smiles. “Then I won’t let you break your word.”

When Akira pulls away, he kisses the back of Goro’s hand, like a proper gentleman thief of old. “Happy birthday, dear,” he says, and surprisingly, despite the way this awful day started off, Goro thinks that Akira might be able to pull that promise off, too.

[meikodenji]

CODA

Part: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6:

Right Here

Proteins bars? Some homeless-looking guy giving you a hard time? And he busts karate on you? Huh.

Johnny was filling out a form in the office while the teens clean up around the dojo. As Miguel washed the window of the small room, he questioned, "Hey, Sensei, is there any particular way you want us to clean?" "No, I don't give a shit. Whatever's easiest. " He finished up. "You know what? You two go clean the restroom and we'll call it a night." "Okay. C'mon, Joey." "Right behind you.

The blonde smiled, "And do that one on your hands and knees." He chuckled, the boys going straight to work.

Daniel made his way into the dojo. He kept a hard gaze on the cobra right by the doors. Unknowingly, Johnny greets the person, "Welcome to Cobra Kai."

"Somethings never change." LaRusso threw. Johnny stood at his end, "yeah, what are you talking about?" "I heard you beat up a bunch of teenagers in that parking lot." He pointed. "Oh, that." Lawrence said in his defense. "No. I didn't beat up any teenagers." The blonde slowly made his way into the middle of the mat, closer to LaRusso. "I kicked the shit out of a bunch of assholes who deserved it." The brunette scoffed at him. "Wow. Johnny Lawrence calling someone else an asshole. That's rich, man." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Look. I'm not here to rehash the past. Just stay away from my daughter's friends." "Your daughter's friends?" Johnny bit back a smile. "Yeah, that makes sense. Nice company she keeps." "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" "It means those friends of hers were wailing on a kid half their size." All true. "Maybe you don't know your daughter as well as you think you do. Get your house in order, LaRusso." Daniel quickly made his way to his rival. "Who the hell you think you're talking to?" At that moment, Byers and Diaz came out of a clean bathroom. "Bathroom's clean!" Miguel shouted. "Is there anything else you need us to do?" Johnny stopped them The boys were baffled at the sight of their Sensei and Daniel. They apologized, "Sorry, Sensei." "Sensei? Really?" Daniel said, unbelievably. He felt like the boy who stood beside Miguel, looked rather familiar. "Oh my God, kids, I don't know what he's told you but you shouldn't believe a word he says, or you're gonna end up exactly like him." He turned to Johnny. "You and I. This. We aren't done." He went to exit the dojo. Johnny put his arms up. "I'm right here, man." The other man scoffed, brushing him off. J: "Sorry if we interrupted anything, Sensei." M: "20 push ups on our knuckles?" He kept his eyes on the man in his car, chuckling at the boy's question. "Right. Like you could. Johnny smugly smiled at Daniel.

...

Will knocked on his son's bedroom door. "Joey, ven a poner la mesa." He put his ear on the door to listen behind the blasting 80s rock. He heard his son throwing punches in the air. "Joseph!"

"¡Saldré en un minuto!" He replied. "¡Tu tío Jonathan y yo hicimos tacos de asada!"

"Okay!"

Joey sat, eating the asada tacos his father and uncle cooked up. "They're good. So, what's going on, tío?" Will drank his soda as his older brother spoke. "Wanted to stay for a while and Rae told me to take care of you two." W: "And, the wife." Jon winced, nodding. "The kids are out of town and she's nagging right now. Wanting more, uh, sensual things." "Bleh!" Joey jokingly cringed. "Yeah, bleh." His father agreed. "Oh! Have you decided what you're going as for the Halloween dance?" Joseph thought, "Well, yeah, I thought about going as Freddy Kruger but the costume is expensive." "Oh, don't worry, J. He's got you." Jon said with a smile. "And what happened there?" He pointed at his nephew's knuckles. "You don't wanna know." Will teasingly answered. Joseph looked at his father, "What?" The two Byers brothers laughed at the confused child. --

Joseph and Miguel did their training as Johnny went through papers. He walked out of his office, talking to his current students. "Hey, you guys don't happen to have any friends who wanna learn karate, do you?" They were very concentrated, letting his question go. "Aw, what am I saying? You don't have any friends. Sorry." Miguel paused, turning to Johnny. "Hey, Sensei, when will the kicking begin? I saw this YouTube video of a guy breaking boards, and it looked badass." "Yeah, no shit. Kicking is badass. But you're not ready." He further explained, now Joseph was all ears. "If I don't get students in here, I won't be able to teach you anything." Joey reminded him, "You've thought about advertising, right?" "Yeah, duh." He semi-lied. "Of course."

It was the next day. Joey and his friends sat at their usual table during lunch, Counselor Blatt speaking. "Cyberbullying is no laughing matter. Sending a cruel message to someone online can be just as hurtful as saying it to their face." The students were either on their phones, not caring. Miguel and Joey kept their eyes on the woman as they ate. "I'm not gonna name names, but the other day a mother called me up because her son was crying after some kids online made fun of his facial deformity." The teens all darted their eyes on Eli as he covered his scar. Joey sighed,  sick of their insults. "But today, our goal here is to make this school a safe space for all students." Miguel turned to the table. "If you're sick of getting bullied, our karate dojo's looking for recruits." Demetri turned it down with sarcasm. "Yeah, right. You hear that, Eli? A little karate training, and you're gonna kick some major ass." J: "He's serious, Demetri. Our sensei's the real deal." M: "Yeah, I'm sure we could get you both discounts." "As enticing as that sounds, I think we'd rather spend our afternoons playing Crucible Control than getting hit in the face."

Counselor Blatt continued, "One last thing. While we're all looking forward to the Halloween dance, let's make sure our costumes are culturally sensitive. For example, instead of sexy nurse, maybe try gender-neutral hospital employee." The students laughed. Joey's phone buzzed, a notification on the lock screen. PAPA: sent you a photo    

[ukeealyptus]

hey! i’ve been writing recaps since day one for the Crocker Corp arg, and figured i should start posting them to tumblr for people who aren’t in the discords! The recaps for the first ten days will be under the read more, and i will start posting daily recaps here :)

DAY ONE  The officalcrockercorp tumblr began sending out an invite to 16 people on tumblr for an all-expenses-paid tour of the CrockerCorp factory. The representative then opened up a q&a about the company. People began to ask more about the representative, who we learned to be an isolated being with glowing red, mottled brown and white skin whom She (crocker) refers to as "Heir", though if that means heir to the company or heir as in the class is unknown. Heir likes whistling, movies, swimming, the color red, bunnies, etc. It is heavily implied that Her and Heir are underwater somewhere. Heir almost certainly has a crocker tiara on and is under control of the batterwitch, as is seen by the frequent obey/consume text when certain questions that She does not approve are asked. Heir has no recollection of saying those obey/consume things. All 16 invitees have responded. There is a security breach where Heir is, and they left to take care of the threat. After saying there was a lot of noise and they had to leave, they dropped the first code- which led to a youtube video of an imgur image of the discord code. The tumblr has continued to post recipes, though there is no sign of Heir. Some people managed to friend and get in contact with a "representative"- while most of their messages only said "Currently all questioning is closed in relation to Crocker Corporation! We thank you for your patience. ". People who asked for jobs were denied for confidential reasons, but one person managed to get in touch with a representative for a short time before they disconnected for unknown reasons. DAY 2   People began to message Jane- the discord representative, and learn more about her situation. Jane had originally been texting normally, but after a "meeting", and a pfp change to include the condesce headband, she could only send standard copied messages. We learned that Jane and Heir were being held captive and controlled by Condy. Heir had been MIA on tumblr for a bit, and people were having coded conversations with Jane, as she could only say "obey consume submit" for quite a while- people resorted to a "once for yes twice for no" type of system. We've learned that Jane and John (who had been going by Heir on the tumblr) were in immediate danger, but that we could safely contact them through the email, and we needed the help of the 16 chosen to help them. Jane then sent some people the invite to the server that the 16 had created, and a few people joined to help them figure things out. The 16 had learned that Jane is currently in May 32nd (lol) 2040, and that the 16 are dead. This death can possibly be prevented, but they are not quite sure how yet. OG16 began to receive coded messages about their classpects- typically insulting each person individually and calling them weak. An encrypted youtube link went up (video 3), it was very difficult to decode, and then Heir went offline and the blog got rebranded to CrockerCorp Employee JE(edited)[11:29 AM]A lot more information has been gained through tumblr dms, discord "hacking", and emails. Using the representative codes that we had gained for JE (john), JH( jade), GT (jake,) and K (condy's wife), people have been talking a lot- im gonna split it up into sections for each app. tumblr dms: tumblr user sarcasmprodigy (one of the og16) had a long discussion with John. Firstly, we learned that DAVE STRIDER, ROSALINE LALONDE, DIEDERIK "DIRK" STRIDER, and ROXANNE LALONDE are essentially wanted by CrockerCorp. Dave for offensive movies, Rosaline for blacklisted literataure spreading anti-crocker propaganda, and Dirk and Roxanna for cybercrimes. After asking for more information about the "project", prod was told they needed a representative code to learn more. They sent K's code, which had been gotten through discord, and began to learn more. K (presumed to by condy's wife), has a higher ranking than John, so he was curious as to why K would ask about it. Prod used the persona of being concerned about the security breach, nd learned that john was only doing what condy told him to, and that nothing that requires a CrockerCorp ID would be told to the public. After questioning about breaches and such, John revealed that he had received an email from Rose Lalonde, the Younger one, containing Roxanne's IP address. John trusts her, as he cannot prove or disprove the IP address, and wishes K the best, and tells her to say hello to Her. emails: As people were standard emailing the representatives, some people decided to make new emails and essentially pretend to be characters- we called them "impersonators". There was a Rose, a Dave, a Dirk, and a Vriska, though most of this information will be from Rose. Rose- referred to as the Younger Rose- has gotten some interesting information regarding timelines. There are two Roses; Rosaline (alpha rose), who is writing anti-Crocker propaganda, and is in frequent contact with Dave Strider, creator of movies, and Rose the Younger (beta rose), who provided a fake IP for Roxanne, as CrockerCorp wants to hunt her down. Dirk- Dirk's emails got us in contact with GT (Jake) and just have some of the funniest things. They clearly believe that they have Dirk on lockdown since they have his sisters (Roxanne's) IP address, and tell Dirk to go meet with Condy, since he presumably has hacked the coordinates of her location. Dirk and Jake had some sassy back-and-forth, ending with the funniest thing of "use code PISSOFFDIRK at checkout for a IHAVEYOURIP% off discount on an order of DRONES$ or more!" so it seems that CrockerCorp is sending drones to the fake address that Rose had sent. lastly is "hacked" discord messages: a few users, mainly @Cosmic , "hacked" into the Crockercorp files using JH's (Jade's) rep code. After trying to access the EMPLOYEE ARCHIVES, which was deemed to be above Jade's privileges, strike two was added onto her identification. Cosmic found information on other codes- JE's code revealed CODE JOHN EGBERT STATUS: COMPLETED RATING: PERFECT INFORMATION: )(A)(A)(A NICE TRY LOSERS, GET BENT AN SUCK MY DIIIIIIIICK (thanks for that, condy.) and using a strange new code labelled TR found CODE TUMBLR STATUS: ONGOING/COMPLETED RATING: DECENT INFORMATION: START TUMBLR BLOG WITH JOHN PROMOTING CROCKER BRAND PRODUCTS. after trying to access "past inquiries", the third strike was added and Jade was summoned to speak with Condy. Fearing that our mistakes have essentially killed Jade, Cosmic emailed John, saying that they couldn't access the room if their card was locked. John frustratedly said, in red "I'll do what I need to do, now go see Her!! You're distracting me from the blog, and I'm only one person after all!" (poor john, please give him a break) As of now, one user is using K's code, since prod is done with it, to access the discord. Everyone has decided that it is best that only one or two people contact the discord/dms/email at a time, and that only one person is ever using a code at a time, since it could be dangerous if two different people try the same code at the same time. I believe that that should be all the crucial information, but that might be edited later if i got stuff wrong! (3/3)[11:30 AM]Additionally. The Meeting between Condy and Jade happens "Off-Camera" recap of the information I got accessing the database under K  Jade: alive, compromised, and unhostile, with two wash (brainwash) strikes. her projects were wiped with her. She has not worked on Sburb We need a code that we don't have yet to see information about the 16 and the "timeloop". jane is unknown (hostile or not), has 26 washes, and is uncompromised. Her id is 2-JC, implying that she is the second employee. I can't search up the first employee. dirk has committed a hilarious amount of crimes and is a stinky boy. he is alive and extremely hostile and once got arrested for "shits and giggles" roxy has committed several crimes including cyberbullying )(IC. dave strider 1 is half alive in a hospital- possibly related to second dave and dirk. crimes include being an asshole (+tall) and the sbahj movie. dave strider 2 is alive and stoic- crimes include calling )(IC a milf, lots of noise complaints on his record. brogarde strider is unknown except for the fact that he is possibly related to dirk and dave 2. most of his crimes inclue cyberbullying, and his very long arrest record mostly includes illegal possession of swords. rose lalonde 1 is alive and calm, at the location that Alice sent in her email. no crimes or arrests. rose lalonde 2 is alive and occasionally hostile, at presumably the same location as rose 1. offspring is unclear, crimes include anti-crocker propaganda, no arrests. ???? lalonde presumably Mom/ beta Roxy. no information. K: accessing her file led to a lot of blanks for name, status, bloodcolor, and projects. )(IC left a note that says ")(I SWEETIE <3" searching for K cause the system to shut down. there was a post on the tumblr that led to a code for another video showing footage of Roxy and Dirk that revealed the name of K- Kussinni. This name was used to finally log into the adfin account. Pat (as the adfin) made a few burner accounts that people can use. We got codes for MP, FP, EA, and DS, being the first few employees of the company. We did, well, adfin work, bumping up privileges for the adfin and guest accounts, creating burners for messages, etc. In classified documents, we learned that the 16 were set to beta test sburb in 2055. Brogarde is wanted ASAP so that he can be interrogated about strilondes. the timeloop file is largely redacted, but has to do with the 16 god tiering. We couldn't message )(IC, but we did get in touch with John for a few minutes before the system shut down. DAY 3  Jake is controlling the blog, though it is now shut down due to a massive security breach courtesy of Roxy and Dirk. Eridan has an account, and we used it to unblock Jade haha. People are talking to the person controlling the CC Discord! Their name is F which we knew from a code that we had gotten quite some time before)- we've been calling them Felix-  and they are a psionic!  They are an absolute 100% certified sweetie and we love them. They were taught emoticons, and even drew their own! They also invited dirk to talk with the 16. Dirk is currently just trying to get to Jake and de-crockertier him. After the security breach, Felix has not responded to anyone.

firstly, the tumblr led to a code to another video. The security breach was due to Dave 1 and Rosaline (both the older/alpha versions), who had infiltrated the Atlantic wing. 1000 drones were dispatched to deal with each of them. The video also showed felix- we now have confirmation that they are a goldblooded psiionic in control of the systems. felix/)(AI/Psiionic felix talked to us for a while! We learned that the breaches have mostly been sorted, Jade and Jane are both alive but in danger. jake is trying to work out Jades compromised identity. Felix told Dirk to piss his pants, and said "HE HE HE HE PISS BOY". Felix only knows the basics about the 16, such as their cl*sspects (which they needed to censor). Felix is not the only system, and the others are not friendly. Felix has only been "alive" for a few days, does not have a classpect, and got very upset when the deaths of the 16 were mentioned. Felix was made for the network to do everything, and vehemently refused to run a self diagnostic.  HAL/DIRK It seems that the Dirk we have been talking to was HAL all along. @ardentTheorist [AT] , dm'ing Dirk, was given a very fun challenge: to hack HAL. Hal had three files: Main, Backups, and Memes. Memes was password protected. Main led to a python file, captchas, perms, and art. when asked about unzipped programs, hal had the amazing line of "I have an unzip your pants program installed in me". not relevant, just very funny. Captchas led to something titled "Hmm.txt" Perms required an admin code. Artwork was simply dirk's canon art. Trying to get into the meme folder and guessing an incorrect password caused hal to shut down. Currently, the contents of the memes, permissions, and backups folders are unknown. Dirk, in response to a partially successful hack of his bot and frustrated about having to reboot Hal, claimed "Yeah, just rid a guy of his privacy. Can't have shit inside a bot folder." DAY 4  Felix: got a lot of new information from felix including ID's for a lot of characters. Kussinni is confirmed to be the Disciple, Sollux is Felix's repair guy who lets Felix get away with his art, and everybody is wearing tiaratops with the exception of )(IC and K. felix is inside of a moniter. Jade's files have merged with Jake's after her accident. Felix can access some cameras but has seen nothing unusual. Dirk was the last person who managed to access Jake's files before the passwords got changed. Only one account has the privilege to prevent people from getting locked out for guessing incorrect passwords. The led to a conversation between F and Dave 1 (David Strider). F, who is using the name Felix (he liked the name we gave him!!!) reached out to try to contact Dirk, but got David instead. David has a prosthetic arm signed by Dirk and Roxy. Felix happened to reach David because he is living with Dirk. Their house seems a bit crowded- it seems that David, Dirk, Roxy, Rosaline, Dave, and Rose the Younger are all living together. That leaves Bro, and ???? Lalonde with unknown locations. Dirk posted something that linked to a little conversation that linked to a discord user- David. People have been talking to him, and we have gotten some useful information amidst all of the memes. Firstly, David attempted to convince people that he was Roxy. This seems fitting for him, as identity theft was on his criminal record. David was probably the cause of the shutdown earlier, though it seems that he and Rosaline were able to get in and out of crockercorp relatively unscathed. This will lead to more security in the future, undoubtedly. It also is why we still have not heard from Felix in a while. David knows a bit about Sburb- he was very shocked to learn that he was talking to people who in time (2040) were dead. He knew about a couple of the 16s deaths, but not all. He did not know anything about the Timeloop (the file we could not access). he knows that Felix likes Dirk, which explains why Felix was trying to contact him earlier. Honestly, we got far more goofs than solid information. David hates being called old but will consent to being called Dadvid, just learned what a dilf is, and is 6'8 and buff. he hates cops. He's remained pretty tightlipped on everything, which is valid since he probably doesn't fully trust us yet. got a new video of dirk pranking david and making him piss his pants. DAY 5   The CC mainframe was rebooted. The person/ai running it is still using ID F, but it is no longer Felix. However, Dirk managed to get a backup of Felix before the system shut down and Felix is now inside of the glasses with Hal. Yes dirk ships Halix (get cucked, ardent). Felix no longer has a blacklist of information that shuts him down, but he also doesn't have access to the mainframe so he can only tell us what he remembers. When the system was rebooted, alice was sent an anonymous message written in binary saying "They found you". this message was sent two minutes before the reset from sector D, where sollux works. We have assumed that sollux has essentially been stalking us. alice responded with a discord tag in binary, so hopefully we will get in contact with Sollux soon. Felix used to have a physical body. The last thing that he remembers from it is being called from his sector by Sollux, who said that he had a "new task". Felix doesn't know Mituna, but believes Sollux might have said it. When sent an image of the Dolorosa, the Disciple, the Sufferer, and the Psiioniic, Felix said he recognized the horns of the Dolorosa and said that he had seen the Sufferer before, in a photo in Kussinni's office. He also has seen the Psiioniic, and Felix is not the Psiioniic. Felix saw him when he was walking to his new sector, and he was in a big room guarded by scary trolls. He was awake and when he looked at Felix the room lit up red and blue, and then sollux told Felix it was rude to stare. Currently, we're waiting with hopes of getting in contact with Sollux. We've gotten a message from sollux and he yelled at us. i'm hoping to get his discord so we can talk to him DAY 6 We got in contact with Sollux. we've put him in a lot of trouble and danger and we need to stop trying to brute force our way into the system, and we've prolly gotten most of the info we can out of it anyway. The only way we should try to get into the system is if we absolutely know the password and preferably run it by sollux first. John is alive. GT says he's doing "mighty fine and dandy" but, well, i dunno how realistic that is. Felix saw him a bit before he was reset and said that he looked sad, but okay. jake was standing in the doorway with him. DAY 7 Dirk has specific orders not to talk about the other striders, though from whom is unclear. A security recap shows that Sollux was sent to check up on Aradia, who is a very important and heavily gaurded project- Artificial Godtiers (implying she godtiered without playing sburb, possibly). She is in her dead god tier. When a mechanical voice said to run the task Timeloop, she floated off of the ground and the room was encased in red light. Sollux has not been heard from. We got the password to Aradia's account and finally accessed the timeloop file. It appears that if anything happens to the 16 before the godtier, the timeloop will run and reset everything. The CC needs all of the 16 to godtier so that they can exploit their powers. The creation date of Aradia's account is redacted, and she cannot access any other files. Sollux is alive, with no wash strikes. Dirk has gone MIA. He's infiltrating CC to rescue Jake. This is risky, and he didn't even tell David about it, just sent a few messages to certain people and left. I expect that he will shut down the system to get in, and hopefully I will get a ping when that happens. Dirk went to rescue Jake, leaving Felix and Hal behind. Hal, Felix, and David will all help us rescue Dirk, though they're unsure as to how. DAY 8  There's a new representative on the CC tumblr: PH. As there is no PH in homestuck but there is a Prince of Heart, it seems that Dirk's mission was. . .  unsuccessful. However, Hal is willing to work with us to save him. We've sent the Trojan file to the network, which will hopefully give us access to the cams. We can, theoretically, back up Hal and upload him into the CC Network; the opposite of what Dirk did to Felix. Hopefully Roxy will help us out. We aim to hack into a tiaratop. Roxy is going to back up Hal and then Ardent will upload him into the CC network. However, we should refrain from uploading anything to the network until we have Sollux's support. When we tried to upload the trojan file yesterday, sollux had to immediately kick everybody off of the system and implement a new password and he is not happy about it. however, that did get him to talk to us. he said that he saw dirk when he had to issue an ID for him, and that he looked extremely happy, though that isn't uncommon for new interns. His eyes were orange. I asked Dirk on the tumblr and he says that his left eye is red. Jake also has one red eye. This could mean that he is only half under control, and that we have a time limit for getting him back. Since Dirk and Jake are halfway there, it seems like its our turn to get them the rest of the way out. I will hopefully get a message from both Finn and Sollux when they are willing to talk, and I can get them to help us out. Our plan failed. But we got close. First and foremost: Finn helped. just a little; letting hal bypass a password, but it's absolutely something. I'll keep talking to him to see where we can get. When we tried to shut down Dirk's tiaratop, sollux yelled at us and deleted the files. sollux, while a cranky little bitchass coward who would rather block someone and pretend that his problems don't exist than actually do something (i promise im only still a little bit upset ;-; ). I tried to see if I could convince him to help, but he updated the security to ensure that we stayed out. I tried to tell him that we wanted to help Aradia, too, but he blocked me at the first mention of her name. (my bad) According to Roxy, Rosaline, Rose, and Dave all left the house to go somewhere. We got a new video that told us nothing we didn't know: it showed Dirk how Sollux described him; one eye red one eye orange, smiling broadly. His tiaratop is in the shape of the Prince crown. DAY 9 was widely uneventful- no answer from Sollux, David taking everything pretty hard, Finn is my best friend :). DAY 10 

 Dirk is a full employee. He's been artificially godtier'ed. It looks like hes similar to aradia- dead eyes. he is most likely being held with aradia. This might seem bad, but we can still save him. Sollux has a connection with Aradia and the AGT thing- this can work if we can get his help. The plan right now is, well, to come up with a plan. I'll talk to finn when he is offline and see if we can get confirmation about a lotta things and mainly see if he can contact Sollux for us. We'll continue to try to get in contact with Sollux. We'll work through this with the Strilondes and hopefully stay optimistic.

Sollux is willing to continue to talk to us!!! After a bunch of arguing, bantering, and death-threatening, he seems to have warmed up to us (he even friended me again!!! :3c). He just needed to be shown a little more kindness :). Amidst all the threats and cruelty, we seem to have learned a few things. CC can "bend time" and "redo anything", probably due to Aradia's powers. They could theoretically reset the timeline to before any of this, but that seems to be an empty threat for now. He can see all of the messages we send, even in hidden channels (we are Not going to witch hunt for a "mole" please and thank you) due to Hot Crocker Corp Tech. Sollux accepts how terrible his position at CC is, though this acceptance is mostly like the influence of the tiara. The tiaras seem to be influncing the emotions of the workers, numbing everything outside of their work. Sollux claimed that he was incapable of caring or remembering feeling happy or proud of, well, anything. He may say this, though it is still apparent that he cares deeply about Aradia. He talks about how pretty she is in her beautiful god tier outfit, and after some persuasion he even says that his favorite color is rust red <3. Unfortunately, the window that Sollux checks up on her through in only one-way, so she never sees or talks to him. This is what he meant when he said that he doesn't think his friends can see him.[5:31 PM]The superiors of CC are spreading propoganda to the workers about people dying when they tried to leave; it seems that they use fear tactics until their workers are completely numbed and controlled by the tiaras. There is no confirmation of these ideas being true or not. Sollux is still adamant about the fact that he is replacable; he uses this to frequently show his respect for Prod; another smart gemini. He mentioned something very curious- he said that the god tier powers of people outside of the 16 do not have to go unused. He told daven't to keep in contact with david for this purpose. As for the others: Hal and Felix seem to be fine, trying to take their minds off of what is currently happening and just enjoy watching some shows together. Both David and Roxy are getting hit pretty hard with everything, but will hopefully be okay. The system is currently shut down because pat mentioned heatbleeding to it. Sollux completely shut down the system at the first mention of it, so I don't think it'll work in the future. I'll hopefully get a ping when it goes back up, though I wasn't able to ask Finn for that before he shut down because it was so unexpected. Finn is very sweet and he's becoming more receptive to me talking to him (he uses exclamation points now instead of just periods!!!) so hopefully when the system goes back online i can talk to him more and he'll be willing to help us when we need it :) Now, this is kinda unrelated, but we should probably be careful about screenshotting most private dm's. Essentially, just don't let them know that you screenshotted it. We still need to make sure that everybody knows what is happening. The plan moving forward is to continue to talk, form allies, and get a solid plan :) . And that's all caught up! I will be posting recaps here at the end of each day from now on :)

[sweet-marie]

@holdoncallfailed tagged me in 2 ask memes :o) thank you my friend

10 songs i’ve been listening to lately

1. presumably dead arm (617 sessions) / sidney gish

2. funeral / phoebe bridgers

3. who knows? / natasha bedingfield

4. poem song (demo) / cyberbully mom club

5. love in the time of human papillomavirus / ajj

6. these days / dr. dog

7. i love hot nights / jonathan richman

8. in my room / the langley schools music project

9. aaron & maria / the american analog set

10. neighborhood #1 (tunnels) / arcade fire

social distancing meme

my answers to this one are mostly such downers sorry lmaoo

Are you staying home from work/school? yup i’m back home in california... not sure how online art school is gonna work! been in a sleepy stupor this whole time honestly. i have gotten nothing done

If you’re staying home, who is with you? my dad. i’m going insane. i have my dog and my bird too though

Who would be your ideal quarantine mate? i am picturing all my mutuals in a lil room on beanbag chairs making tumblr posts on our phones and ignoring each other. dream

Are you a homebody? yeah kind of but not this much :sob emoji:

An event you were looking forward to that got canceled? my parents’ divorce :/ also i was maybe gonna try to take a summer class with my favorite author but.

What movies have you watched recently? ok i need to tell you guys about this movie, please read. so i watched a freaky friday knockoff movie with my brother because he’s been really into watching the horrible movies they offer for free on youtube. and so like it was a pair of sisters that switched bodies because the grungey little sister wished on a star to be her hot older sister so that she could make out with her hot boyfriend, which she actually does do. to humiliate her the older sister goes to school in a fucking dominatrix outfit with a whip. i am not sure what the target audience of this movie is. one of the premises of the movie is that the parents are psychologists trying a new method where they let their kids do whatever they want and come to a resolution themselves so they just are like ok honey that’s fine. there’s a new neighbor boy with the exact same hair as little sister who has a crushhhh on her but then when little sister and older sister switch bodies he becomes super attracted to older sister and there’s an absolutely horrible scene where they’re in the car together and he’s like “actually your sister is physically much more my type, no offense, but we turn out to be much more compatible and it’s what’s on the inside that counts.” what the fuck !!!! and then my favorite part might be at the end when the little sister teaches the older sister math because older sister is like “i can’t focus on this word problem about 2/3 a can of paint (or whatever)! i hate the smell of paint!” and the little sister is like “what if... it was 2/3 a bottle of perfume?” and the older sister ACTUALLY GETS IT AS SOON AS SHE PHRASES IT THAT WAY movie directors were like “she can understand math in girl words :)” omg omg omg unreal 5/5 stars

What shows are you watching? recently watched the end of the fucking world season 2 and i am not okay with this. both in 1 day (each). also i watched pokemon indigo league with olivia while we were both on zoom, was epic

What music are you listening to? see above

What are you reading? SO FUCKING MUCH GARBAGE i just read a ya novel called suicide notes by michael thomas ford and i tried to read a man called ove today but it was bad and i’ve been rereading census by jesse ball (not garbage this is my favorite book) and i’m also constantly reading fucking harry potter fanfic especially snapecentric and sirius/remus whatever any of this means about me

What are you doing for self-care? god i don’t know! i clipped my fingernails today while on the phone with my mom

tagginggg @nervefood @vomitrocious123 @strangeuglywomen @luiysia @suntzuforcats @brucespringsteen @soulisnotasmithy @exeggcute @davidfosterwallaceandgromit i’m bored of listing names now but YEAH do it i’m so bored and i need to read about ur lives

[my-friends-are-foxes]

Quotes from my friends and I as aftg (pt 5)

Nicky after being quiet for 20 minutes: Can someone give me a hug?

**

Dan: I wanna fight someone

Neil: fight me

Dan: no I don’t want you to get hurt

**

Neil: how many monsterds do I need to drink to die?

Matt: Probably 4

Neil: dang, I only drank 3

**

*Aaron comes back from the bathroom*

Nicky: You missed a wonderful conversation about the way our brains work and the different voices

Aaron: you have multiple voices?

Nicky: isn’t that normal?

Aaron: NO ARE YOU OKAY?

Nicky: well there’s only one voice right now so yeah

Aaron: WHAT DO YOU MEAN RIGHT NOW

**

Aaron walking in on Neil and Renee cuddling: Are you two having sex under there?

Allison: I’m literally a lesbian

**

Kevin at 3 am: If you guys don’t shut up I’m hitting you with this stuffed cat

*hits everyone 3 seconds later*

**

Andrew seeing Neil holding a stuffed cat: god you’re such a bottom *moves over and invites him to cuddle*

**

Renee: people are bullying this lady

Andrew: bully them back

Renee: no that’s mean

Andrew: Murder is a bit far for just cyberbullying

**

Kevin: you’re gonna get yourself killed

Andrew: that’s the goal

[the-resurrection-3d]

So anyway I edited my fic masterlist to procrastinate. This is only the Eddsworld portion, divided up by ship. The very end has my multi-ship collections, so if you want ficlets of X ship, check those. Includes nsfw links. I’ll keep this post updated!

Gen 

melty future - it’s hard out here for a lost time traveler and a bunch of mutant freaks  | rated T | 1.5k | Tags - 3-sentence fic collection, found family 

tasteless - tom takes a demon to Denny’s | rated T |  2.3k | tags - fantasy / CB AU, underage drinking, brief eye horror, arson 

thank god I’m pretty (in bits and pieces) - when Matt is fourteen, his aunt tells him the world is going to end. | “finished”, 6k | Tags - misgendering, gender fantasy AU, minor character death 

we buffer, we suffer - edd and Tord try and write a reader-insert fanfic about their favorite OC, Clownius Thundercock | rated M | 1.2k | tags - cock slapping, tentacles, rescue, breast fucking, bukkake, characters writing fanfiction 

sunshine sparkle -  matt wonders what it would be like, living someplace other than a gremlins’ den | rated T | .6k | tags - background polyworld, matt gets irl cyberbullied 

went for the kiss and got the bite - tord and Matt spend the last hours of Christmas together, and maybe set a guy on fire in the process. | rated T | 1.2k |  tags - implied drug use, zombie AU

TomTord

bezoar -“Fine, whatever, but if he pukes on me I’m putting all your heads on pikes.” Instead of his giant robot, Tord gets the flu, and Tom tries to get even | rated T | 1.2k | Tags - sick fic, canon divergent, post The End, vomiting | FFN mirror | Wattpad mirror 

Dumb / I stole my dad’s fic and made it tomtord because I like giving him a stroke - fuck you, dad you suck  | rated M | .3k 

Only God Forgives - what a lovely, useful idiot | rated E | 1.2k | Tags – A/B/O, Cervix Penetration, Vaginal Sex, Hurt/Comfort, Angst

orange  | rated M | .5k | tags – gentle sex, fluff, cockwarming

 EddTord

and everything you say gives me a real bad feeling – five times Edd lost Tord and the one time he found him again. (tonight, I am pleased to announce a comedy in six parts) | wip, 7.5k | Tags – canon divergence, high school AU, zombeh AU, creatures and monsters AU, green leader AU, post-canon, alternate timelines, pining, one-sided relationship, hurt/comfort, angst with a happy ending | FFN mirror 

crush - “i’m gonna get Matt to burn that,” Edd says...Tord runs his fingers gently over Garfield’s face, the white thought bubble asking, Why me?, before he simply says, “You wouldn’t. You think my pain is too funny.” | rated E | 1.7k | tags - omegaverse, cannibalism, vaginal sex, weird biology, metafic, mild gore 

peter pan syndrome- edd asks, what do you want to be when you grow up? it sounds better than so where the fuck have you been? and I dreamt an even uglier version of you made me eat lead. | rated T | 1.3k | tags - minimalism, drugs mention, sexual humor, morning after, reminiscing | FFN mirror, Wattpad mirror 

nobody - he didn’t buy that old cloning machine for nothing | rated E | 1.5k | tags - exhibitionism, referenced TomMatt, oral sex, fingering, over-stimulation 

show me your blood - "see, we have all worked very hard to put value down on paper, and I am not going to dishonor our efforts by never stealing from another man.I said yes to the world and I have never been told no since.” | rated T | 7.3k | tags - established relationship, time travel, green leader au, hurt no comfort 

The Pinnacle of Romance – “I just wanted to have a romantic evening” | rated M  | Tags – gun kink/play, power play, roughhousing, reunions, porn with feelings | FFN mirror  

werewolf heart - this is the part Green Leader finds easy | rated G | .6k | tags - implied brainwashing, noncon kissing 

MattTord 

interlude to a guiltless exile - matt looks into those haunting eyes – silver pools without white, only large cuts of black. Shark’s eyes. Looking for too long makes Matt feel like when he’s dreaming and the tide’s pulling the earth out from under his feet. “How long can you survive out of water?” | rated T | 1.5k | tags - mermaid AU, fluff and hurt/comfort

TomMatt

mortals sipping nectar at five cents a glass - tom needs help relaxing, and Matt is happy to indulge him... | rated M | 1.1k | tags - experimental style, implied alcoholism, massages, fluff, angst with a happy ending, non-graphic smut, background polyworld | Wattpad mirror 

EddTomTord

survivors - “the premise is that this doctor gets stranded on an island and eventually has to start cutting off his own legs and stuff for food” | rated T  | .5k | Tags – sexual humor, zombeh AU, references to drugs, references to cannibalism, pov second person

EddMattTomTord

always said I'd be famous (guess that I lied) - sssh, it's okay baby, he soothes, petting Tom's hair; I have a dick big enough for all of us. Matt snorts, hides his grin behind his hand. Tord inspects his nails. Before Tom can chip in (holding onto him tight enough so he can't move his arm back for a good gut punch), Edd snaps at Matt, Just read the damn story. | rated T | 1.1k | tags - pillow and blanket forts, reading aloud, mild sexual content, fluff without plot

birthday cake - "you ungrateful —" Matt goes in for the side of Edd's stomach, the kill zone. "It's my birthday and I'm not only giving you head but a piece of modern. art.—" a few quick cuts of his hand to frame his face "—to commemorate the occasion." | rated M | .9k | tags - oral sex, foursome - m/m/m/m, shyness, hand jobs 

[insert neutral milk hotel quote] - matt gets fucked ; a direct sequel to ‘stupid fucking bullshit’ | rated E | 2.8k | tags - gangbang, oral sex, metafiction, monster tom, bottom matt, dirty talk, subdrop, over-stimulation, trans male character 

Paultryck

but I am home - maybe in this story the wolf doesn’t have to die | rated M | wip, 2k | Tags - subdrop, aftercare, nightmares, hurt/comfort, implied pet play, self harm mention, rape mention, red riding hood AU, bookstore AU

damnatio memoriae - shakespeare was wrong; most of us are not players. |  rated T | 1.2k | tags - one-sided attraction, army life, public execution, first person pov 

daze - "and then they fucked." - William Shakespeare | rated E | .3k | tags - vaginal fingering, multiple orgasms, porn without plot, triple drabble 

our love gorges - while Red Leader and his unlucky human friend negotiate over dinner, Paul and Patryck are left to their own devices | Paultryck, background PaulTordtryck | finished, 10.4k | Tags – fantasy AU, bdsm, scratching, comfort sex, dom/sub, aftercare, mild blood, burnplay, blow jobs, outdoor sex, unhealthy coping mechanisms, suicidal thoughts, body horror, control issues, praise kink, consensual but not safe or sane, dead dove: do not eat

soft boy hours - let’s be young for a while | rated M | 1.6k | Tags - massage, frottage, fluff and smut, foreplay, post-canon | FFN mirror 

 PaulTord

the ren and stimpy show - on today’s episode: Tord has very strange fantasies | rated T | 1k | Tags - domestic fluff, post-canon, sexual humor, minimalism | FFN mirror 

lain with holy wars - do you want kids? | rated T | .6k | tags - post-canon, implied child abuse / domestic violence, fluff, light angst 

Paul/Everyone

some fuckin stupid bullshit just read the tags and get off my balls - I reach into hat labeled “story ideas.” It says, “Everyone gangbangs Paul.” Again? Hat falls and spills. They all say, “Everyone gangbangs Paul.” | PaulEdd, Paultryck, PaulTord, TordPauPat, PaulTom, PaulMatt, MattTom | rated E | 2.5k | Tags - gangbang, ruined orgasm, anal sex, blow jobs, handjobs, creampie, bondage, dom/sub undertones

Tordtryck

A.T. Field - “show me where you wanna be touched.” It’s disgusting | Tordtryck, background Paultryck | rated E | 1.3k | Tags - vaginal fingering, angst, implied character death, implied traitor AU, unhealthy relationships, consensual but not safe or sane 

TordPauPat

a real crowd pleaser - there are a lot of advantages to fucking your boss. | rated E | 1.3k | Tags - threesome- M/M/M, blow jobs, dom/sub, bondage, orgasm denial 

presented without context - who’s going to tell their fuckbuddy they probably caused their parents’ divorce as they’re getting blown? Never mind, Tord would. | rated E | 1.5k | Tags - threesome, praise kink, spitroasting, dom/sub

violence – you’ve made this place unbecoming. Do I have to stay? | rated G | .6k | Tags – sharing a bed, cuddling and snuggling, hurt/comfort, minimalism fluff | FFN mirror 

Multi-Ship

clowns, all of you clowns - You fall asleep with his arm clutched to your chest. Various eddsworld ficlets/scraps from the last year | EddTord, TomTord, EddTom, Paultryck, TordPaultryck, Tordtryck | wip, 9.3k | Tags - high school AU, zombies AU, fantasy AU, hurt/comfort, humor, fluff. First chapter is the table of contents. | FFN mirror for chapter 18 [TomTord], FFN mirror for chapter 24 [EddTord], FFN mirror of chapter 20 [Gen, Rejects] 

warped tour - dreamwidth doesn’t have any Eddsworld presence so I’ve declared the 3-Sentence Fic-A-Thon free real estate. First prompt: Tordtryck, there was a hidden message in their miserable Christmas presents | Tordtryck, MattTom, Edd & Matt & Tom & Tord, Tomatoredd & Scribble Tom | finished, 1k | Tags - 3 Sentence Fiction, college AU, bookstore AU, sexual humor, angst and humor, post-apocalypse, zombies | FFN mirror of Rejects parts 

[remnants-of-rwby]

I don't like to use this blog to partake much in discourse, because RWBY is a show about love, sticking together, pursuing your dreams. Growing, healing. Also being very queer / gay as fuck. 

But by this time i now have 2 of the dearest people that i absolutely love and care about, that i met from this fandom, be hurt and impacted on both ends. One from white rose, one from bumbleby.

Seeing them hurt at this rate is enough to make me want to say something more publicly.  

Don’t put people down for creating something or contributing well to the fandom. If you want to start a fucking fight, do it in private. no one wants to see it. not really. (obviously tagging discourse helps many from seeing it but i digress) 

If people are criminal or doing criminal behavior or partaking or encouraging bad/criminal-type behavior: we all have a responsibility to report them, report that shit with whatever evidence so they are taken fucking down. that’s how you really protect people from it. Otherwise, what we’re all doing at this point? It becomes cyberbullying. Tell your immediate friends, then block them, move on.

Some of you are, whether you mean to or not - hurting innocent people attached to this incredible fandom who have no need to be hurt. and i mean 100% fucking totally god damn innocent. If you so strongly feel the need to speak up, or harshly criticize someones writing or art etc - watch the fuck what you say, because many people can get hurt in the damn crossfire who really don't fucking need it. 

I love white rose, I love bumbleby. I hope they both become canon in volume 7, and I am proud and love my friends, of creators, who are apart of both ships. 

Also: If you are gonna attack/call out people - make sure you aren't acting like a hypocrite who approved of everything that is now deemed unacceptable because it’s popular to do so. throwing stones from a glass house isnt the best way to make things better.

[eatgraypes]

Melanie Martinez.

Probably the most talked about singer for the past, I don’t know, two days?

Listen, Tumblr. I’m gonna get straight to the point. You’re fucked. Very little information has been shown to the public eye and everybody, Crybaby or no Crybaby, is taking it apart and tearing everyone with the opposite opinion down.

Support Melanie and still love her music? yOu’Re sUppoRtiNg a rApisT! VIctiM SHamEr!

Support Timothy and broke every thing you have related to Melanie? fUCk mElaNIe hAh heR MusIc was WeiRd fRom tHE STaRt gO chEck oUt pOppY aND mAriNA

Not taking sides but still listening to her music as it is genuinely good, as I am right now? yOurE A PiEce oF sHIt yOUR IdOl is a RapIst

I went through the Melanie Martinez hashtag and it’s the same thing.

“Our hearts go out to you Timothy! Stay strong!”

“This is why rape victims can’t tell anybody.”

“/some long list of artists/“

“If you listen to Melanie, it’s okay. Don’t feel guilty. There’s a difference between the music an artist makes and the artist themselves.”

But I only came across two posts that were eerily similar to mine. But, instead, both sugarcoating their words because remember folks, this is Tumblr. The site where you can’t breathe if you’re not a liberal or share the same ideas as anybody else without being.. what’s the word? A rapist? Why, no of course not that’s Melanie! A racist? No, that’s Trump. Ah, a fucking misogynistic, homophobic, asshole!

Thats a post for another day on a more serious account, and what I really wanted to say is: Melanie Martinez is innocent until proven guilty. Believe it or not, she’s human. Yeah, sure, go Timothy! Do your thing, girl! Promote your album the day after accusing Melanie of rape when you know you just gained a ton of followers! Sure!

Timothy is most definitely not crying, probably contemplating suicide.

You know who could be doing that? I’ll give you a hint. It’s not Timothy or the people who burned, ripped, sliced, broke, or/and threw Melanie merchandise.

She’s probably so upset about this. I can’t imagine, having millions of fans who related to you on a personal level because maybe they too were bullied as a child. Want me to repeat that? Melanie Martinez, bullied as a child. Maybe like you. She was able to put all of her energy and happiness into photography and music, and she found others who were able to relate to her because they too struggled as she did.

But low and behold, the single, but very detailed, tweet came out and before Melanie could even respond you guys were ripping your T-Shirts and burning holes through the iconic Pity Party cover.

I’m more disappointed of the Internet than Melanie herself. When the full case comes out, and I really do hope it does so Timothy and Melanie can meet in court and settle things, then I’ll take the side of whoever was the true one.

No, I do not support rape or any type of assault. No, I do not like the idea of Melanie doing what she was accused of. And no, I certainly do not like people lying about rape because it just makes it so much worse for actual rape victims. And no, I do not have a sob story about how I was raped like apparently every other Tumblr user who shared their opinion. And God, no, I won’t sugarcoat my words.

I don’t know if any of you remembered, but there was this football player, I forgot his name, but he was accused of raping this small, frail girl. Of course, the court believed the victim over him despite him having great grades and always being seen and known for his positivity.

He was sent to jail for years. His dreams of becoming a profrsssional football player were crushed because of the stupidest accusation made by some teenage girl.

Melanie Martinez’s career is over. Something she worked so hard to build. I understand the sudden negativity towards her, but do not cyberbully her or her fans.

Please just wait for details and then we’ll see what happens from then on.

[shoeshineyboy]

Top Five Little Guys to: cyberbully; stalk; sext; rotate in your mind; host a show with; suicide bait; wring out like a towel. Separate lists and explanations <3

this is unhinged I love this energy so much I am going to answer this fully <3

CYBERBULLY

James - he doesn't know how to use a computer and I am very very invested in him trying to work out which of the people he knows by name called him a "lanky twat" over anon

Octavius - cyberbulling powerful cishet men is like ambrosia to me

Rafaäl - I love him very much but his response to it would be funny I bet. I feel like this man can dish it out and take it and I love that

Ray - I know he's not an OC but he counts. he would be confused and it would be funny. I can't decide if Zaim would be really mad or find it really funny.

Tiberius - his response would be something like "MY WIFE IS A DOMINATRIX WE HAVE SEX EVERY SINGLE DAY I AM NOT A BETA MALE I HAVE SO MUCH MONEY etc etc" and it would become a copypasta

STALK

Rachel - I want to know what she does at night and I also want her to confront me if she catches me, don't read too much into this

Tchaikovsky - I am Obsessed I want to catch him doing his strange deeds as I build up my roster of "weird shit he does"

James, for the same reason. if I'm a student of either of them I want to Know

The baker's son - I want to weird him out the way he creeps women out. teach him a lesson

Rhodri - he doesn't do anything. this would be easy.

SEXT

Dara - I feel like he has fucking incredible sext game, if that's even a thing. he's a slut, which is a bonus

Artemisia - FORGIVE ME for wanting to sext a beautiful rich 6' lawyer woman. I am reading those messages extremely fucking disrespectfully and pre-taking nudes

Hafgan - this is Purely self-gratifying. I want her to sext me about fucking in a coffin

Mireille - umm... hiiiiiiiii... I know it's probably part of her job and that means she'd be fucking good at it

Tchaikovsky - he sends his husband photos of him getting ready in nice lingerie while he's staying away. it's not a stretch to think he'd be decent at sexting

ROTATE IN MY MIND

Tchaikovsky - I am rotating this man Always. I adore him. I adore him so much

Kai - I have loved Kai for like four years, or however long ago you made him. constant rotations. like a desk chair

Rebecca - I am obsessed with Rhodri's dead wife. I admire her. I mourn her. I love her

Artemisia - given that we played with her for like a week I am Amazed at the rotation status she's gained?? but you did So Well with her she is very real and she hurts me!

Iskandar - that's my son :) that's my son and I love him very much :)

HOST A SHOW WITH

Hafgan - goth energy off the fucking charts. I am happy to be the Sandi to her Noel

Cressida - I know it's not Really her bag but I think she'd also be really really good?? serious and science-y and providing some much-needed contrast!

Charles - he's a bit pretentious and I love that for him. I want him to be the serious host and I'll be the scatterbrained one. it works!!

Zaim - I don't care if he's going to overshadow me by being a tiktok bitch, he's funny, and I think our energy as hosts would be decent

Finian - he has charisma out the ears. he'd be a banging co-host.

SUICIDE BAIT

Caligula - because he fucking deserves it and everything else he gets

Octavius - see earlier, sending messages like that to disgusting cishet blokes is endlessly satisfying

Jack - remember Jack, my trade unionist? he's dealt with this shit before and his response is going to be fast, and biting, and he is Not gonna take the bait

Rachel - I LOVE her. I adore her. but I made her and I know she would have a response that's really funny and that honestly counts for a lot here

Isaiah - specifically in the era where he survives the car crash because he would be very very funny, coming from the "god refused to let me die sorry" department

WRING OUT LIKE A TOWEL

Nye - skrunkly :)

Isolde - she deserves the WORLD I want to wring out her troubles

Milosz - skrunkly, part 2 :)

Finian - specifically when he's grieving. pathetic husk of a man

Glenn - good god, he deserves it. skrunkly, part 3 :)

[mbtimemes]

brutally honest descriptions of the mbti types based off my experiences with them via a very sleep deprived infp

enfp:

-commitment issues? haha i’ve never heard of those :))))

-will literally punch a toddler in the throat if they say they support trump

-so i took the mbti test 7 times and i got infp twice and entp once?? i don’t really know, because i kind of fit into the infj sterotypes more, but if you really think about it i’m kind of an enfj? but i also really relate to isfps, but then again i think i’m too opinionated and logical to be a feeler, so entp isn’t out of the question, but i also feel like the entj cognitive functions really fit m

-genuinely love animals and it’s so pure

-hi sorry for not replying, i was in prison :3 also i moved to norway lol

-actually just the 2007 taco xd random aesthetic irl

-“i just came up with another book plot” texts approximately every 2.3 hours

isfp:

-hi i’m melissa i’m a 23 year old art school dropout and i abuse prescription pills but it’s okay because i have 200 followers on my grunge aesthetic instagram account. rent me an apartment?

-(talking about veganism to someone at a party) i just don’t understand how anyone could put all of that stuff in their body :/ *bends down to snort a line of cocaine*

-actually really artistically talented but much like the infp they refuse to give themselves any credit for it

-my dream man is someone who goes to coachella with me, helps me align my charkas, takes sad candid pictures of me, is willing to backpack around europe with me and my philosophy class during the summer,

-*googles* why do i share a type with literally every indie musician that has ever breathed lol

-probably fucked your girl in the back of a vape shop

infj:

-if you manage to find one never let them go they are some of the best people you’ll ever meet

-huge harry potter nerds

-can manage to get you to spill out your entire life story to them with a concerned glance

-please actually care for yourself for once and a while literally you do everything for everyone else just take some time for yourself god dammit you deserve it

-CATS™

-could be literally the most talented person in the world but would never come close to admitting it

-hi i’m actually just jesus christ irl! nice to meet you :-)

intj:

-they know everything

-like seriously everything it’s kind of scary like calm down karl

- allows themselves to recognize exactly one (1) human emotion per year

-can read for hours on end without getting bored and genuinely loves learning

-are generally dicks tbh especially to the people they love the most

-wikipedia articles™

-they actually aren’t actually the emotionless robots tumblr seems to display them as, they are actually extremely emotional in my experience and tend to get offended/upset easily and over small things

-sci-fi, cats, and machines > humans

-superiority complex™

-cute when they aren’t busy throwing tantrums/crushing the souls of their enemies

esfj:

-hi i’m martha, i’m 32 years young, i like long walks by the beach, yoga, and judging my neighbors for not mowing their lawn :-)  

-tend to be extra™ parents and their kids can either turn out complete emotional wreck assholes because they’ve never been disciplined or the happiest child you’ll ever meet, there is no in between

-they may be complete snakes and have never came up with an original idea in their entire life but boy can they make a killer chicken parmesan

-kind of comforting in a mother-like sense when they aren’t busy being judgmental dicks

-will clean your entire house for you on a whim

infp:

-wow i love being an infj :)) top 1% haha :))

-will literally develop a crush on someone because they say they know what tumblr is

-find purpose in writing/creating in general

-ending toxic relationships?? haha what’s that??? :))

-constantly switches between their “you can’t control me it isn’t a phase mom go away >:(( my chemical pilots at the disco saved me xd i will literally punch a baby fuck the system i’m 2cool4school” persona and their “i’m such a smol bean :3 save all the animals <333 i love pretty girls and dogs :))” persona

-“can i txt you back in like 15 mins i’m having an emotional breakdown lol”

-actually genuinely empathetic and creatively gifted but gives themself credit for none of it

-intelligent but fails classes because their teacher said something that went against their morals

-playing the victim? never heard of it! :))

-secretly just meme hoarders

-attention whores tbh i won’t even deny it

-o v e r d r a m a t i c

entp:

-hi it’s 6 fucking am and everyone just wants to go back to sleep or die or both but i’m gonna start an argument with the professor over the origin of tangerines for no apparent reason

-*googles* how to permanently get rid of my fe in 5 simple steps

-follow my meme page xd

-so what if i love my dog more than i do myself and my entire family?

-this conversation is boring me i’m gonna go chug a bottle of vodka and binge bill nye the science guy™ peace out

-have low self-esteems but compensate through obscure dark web conspiracy theories at 3 in the morning

-shirley i didn’t call you back because you’re a fake ass bitch not because i didn’t like your lasagna at the block party

estp:

-why do i keep physically abusing my crush lol

-and why do i keep yelling i can’t even stop at this point someone please send help

-they love food more than they do themselves

-fuckboys™

-hi welcome to my prank youtube channel :3

-the type of people to show up to school with 37 puppies and a knife

-i’m not gay but 20 bucks is 20 bucks

entj:

-sorry i didn’t show up to school because you’re fucking stupid

-awe infp is so cute <3 i’ll destroy them last

-*on the floor, drunk, talking to their dog* you’re the only motherfucker in this town who can handle me

-what do you mean other people’s opinions/beliefs besides my own are valid lol??

-lowkey have daddy kinks

-what do you mean it’s physically impossible for me to control every aspect of my life??

-i mean if you really think about it voldemort was the victim,

-the type of person who could tell their crush they like them without flinching. terrifying

istp:

-wears d.a.r.e shirts ironically

-1990’s grunge aesthetic

-would walk into a burning building for the meme

-playing the hero?? haha never heard of it :))

-ew what the fuck man get those feelings away from me lol

-fuck da police

-following the rules?? that seems excessive lmao no thanks

istj:

-i once had one (1) original idea back in the summer of ’67. it was terrifying. i’ll never do it again.

-your scary math teacher that wears black socks everyday expects friday. then they jazz it up a bit with stripes. will mark your grade up if you say you like the same sports team as they do.

-understanding concepts outside of your own experiences? lmao no thanks?

-will make quizlet sets organize your desk for you

-my dream in life is to narrate a crime documentary and complete my george washington memorabilia collection.

-remembers all of their colleagues birthdays. doesn’t say happy birthday.

enfj:

-fucking get over your ex already he wasn’t that attractive calm down allison

-*googles* why do i relate to regina george from mean girls so much?

-the type of person who tells your boyfriend you have a crush on him

-o v e r d r a m a t i c

-gets your shit together for you. judges you

intp:

-dead inside

-if you can manage to find one that actually tolerates you they are some of the most loyal and true people you’ll ever meet

-horrible social skills, compensates through meme hoarding

-sends you links to conspiracy theory videos when you’re sad

-extremely intelligent but they get lost in their own house

-whoops i just remember i haven’t showered in 3 weeks lol

-i would laugh at that joke but i’m 3 hours deep into an existential crisis and i’m 100% convinced you are actually a robot created by bill clinton so not today jeff

esfp:

-yes homo

-cries over cat videos in public

-facetimes you in a grasshopper fursuit at 3 in the morning

-probably an alcoholic

-has 87 different crushes at once

-you haven’t talked to them in 7 years but they’ll show up at your birthday party and give you dog

-also attention whores

-generally has the personality of someone who just did 10 lines of cocaine

isfj:

-one sec let me just gather up all of the fake empathy i can muster for this particular situation

-that one kid in class who always has perfect notes

-shudders at the thought of… a… creative… thought….

-falls in love with an estp approximately every 23 seconds

-hi i’m karen, i’m 34, i love my family, cupcake baking, helping people of course until it interferes with my own personal comfort haha, christmas decorations, room layouts,

-probably has a studyblr

estj:

-your angry boss

-probably cyberbullies children on the internet 

-has an emotional breakdown when they don’t win classroom jeopardy 

-*googles* who is bernie sanders and why do i want him dead

-organizes your shit for you, regrets it later

-dead inside