#god im useless and stupid and they know that
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#hey y’all I’m back to complain some more cuz I’m a little bitch :)#I just left work and GOD that shift made me feel more hopeless and useless than I have in a while#I’ve been working so hard at this job for months because I really really like it and want to do well#also I’m still relatively new to retail and I have trouble with my autism when talking with customers#but I was working so hard and I was actually feeling proud#like I was slowly accomplishing something#and I knew I wasn’t as good as my other coworkers but damn it I was getting there#but today I worked with the new person we just hired#and they had been given a full time position with higher rank than me#even though I’ve been here for months#and management didn’t even…ask if I was interested in the position#and on top of that the new person is objectively so much better at their job than I am#I’ve been working so hard and they come in and are excellent right off the bay#and they’re really nice too so I feel bad being upset#but god this really just rubs in that even working at my hardest im not as good as the person who JUST started#I can’t do anything right#im constantly asking for help and they just knew exactly what to do and could do it without constantly bugging management#no wonder they didn’t ask if I was interested in the promotion#god im useless and stupid and they know that#fuck I just feel so useless#even trying my best im not as good as a new hire#fuck I hate myself#why can’t I just be a functional human being#how am I gonna excel in any job when I can’t even do the basics#even after months of working really hard#and trying really really hard#doomed to fucking mediocrity I guess#not even mediocrity just straight up sucking#fuck…
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every time people fundamentally misunderstand the patalliro characters i lose years off my life
#bii talk tag#this isn't about anything specific dw im just thinking in general#the amount of bad takes ive seen in my time here.... augh#mostly abt The Mawaich obviously ppl just don't GET HIM... like obviously i consider myself the CEO of him but actually#the one thing ppl get wrong imo is that he was softened and lost his bad assery later in the manga which i DISAGREE WITH#at no point in maraich's life did he CHOOSE to be trained as an assassin and do what he does that's like key lore#he was raised by larken and trained as an assassin since he was a child he didn't really WANT to do any of that business#and even post figaro he still shows up and participates in major plots more than ban does!!! tbh!!!#just bc he had a kid and started doing housework doesn't mean he became useless that's literally the opposite#and even before having figaro ppl say he got softened GOD FORBID!!! like u know!!! and he's STILL doin shit!! whatever man#i hate it fr he's not a weak character for living comfortably he's still capable you guys are just haters 🫵‼️#also any time ppl call patalliro annoying i get annoyed bitch it's his show don't watch it if you're not here for him#also ppl give ban way too much credit he is Stupid#anyways im just Thinking
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#im so pissed at myself I should have tried harder I should have used the last few hours here to study and not crochet#I should have put some effort in but god I just cant can I#I can’t do it#I know bad grades doesn’t equal a bad person the mere thought of it is ridiculously stupid#but I can’t get it out of my head#I should have tried harder and studied more#I should have gotten help but I just let it happen#let it get too much and now I’m sitting here with a failure on my transcript and all I can do is shrug#the amount of work I’m going to have to do to make up for this#the amount of pain I’ve caused future me#all because I couldn’t get my fucking act together#god#sorry for being such a downer lately#I just#I’m so sick and tired of my own bullshit but I know I won’t change#because I can’t even be bothered to try#fucking useless#nebula rambles#vent
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anyone else in a deadend job and has no idea what theyre doing with their life. no? just me? okay great
#i dont know what to do.#how do you go from working customer service > to an office job or something IT#you have to go fucking study it and i dont want to go even more into debt than i already fucking am#i dont want to be in debt in the first place but i cant do anything about that#i wish i had just. not done lvl5 hospitality why did i do it? im so stupid like i fucking dropped out so its fucking useless to me anyways#i dropped it cause my fucking life went fucking down hill and it hasnt stopped#going downhill since then#ever since 2020 everything that could go wrong for someone it has happened to me#i just wish i had something nice going for me but i have nothing and i dont know how to get out of this situation because i am just stuck#speaking#im venting here and on twitter god i cant even afford a fucking therapist either to help with this situation
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when gerard way said “when i grow up i want to be nothing at all” i felt those words in my gdamn soul bro
#cried alone in my car parked in my driveway for like 17 minutes#i feel so hopeless and useless and stupid so so so stupid i’ll never be smart enough like the other nurses#i can’t fucking think im too slow i don’t know anything#it’s the emergency room and god for fucking bid i have an emergent patient i don’t know wtf to do ever#i don’t know how to initiate protocols or contact interdisciplinary or put in complex orders i don’t know anything i’m so useless#everyone thinks i’m stupid i’ve been on orientation for like 2 months know and i’m still the same useless stupid novice airhead new grad#i just get so frazzled i feel like everyone expects so much out of me and i have to be perfect to meet their standards#but im stupid im subpar im not good enough like them like#ever if they’ve been nurses for years and i’ve only been working as one for legit 2 months it’s just i still don’t know how to do anything#it’s like i can’t think i don’t do things how they want me to do them and then i look stupid im the attending doctor thinks i’m so dumb but#she wouldn’t even hear me out like i know you want both fluids running i know it’s important but he only has.1 IV and they aren’t compatible#we’re trying to start a second IV and he had difficult veins like why are you trying to tell me i’m stupid i know why you ordered it thatway#it’s like nobody gets my dumbass brain but that’s not their fault bc they can think clearly and convey their thoughts to people without#sounding like a fucking dumbass i have no critical thinking skills im just useless i hate this so much i don’t want to be here it sucks#i never wanted to be a nurse i never wanted to be anything i was 12 years old hoping i’d be dead by 18#and now i’m 23 and i’m still fucking here but it’s clear i shouldn’t be i don’t fit in im not fit for society#i should be euthanized like an unwanted dog that’s been at the shelter for too long that’s exactly what i am#20min later still crying can’t stop being a fucking crybaby pitypartying myself i’m the worst oh my god grow the fuck up already#why is everything so difficult for me why can’t i just fit in literally everyone knows i don’t belong#i’m the dumbest most useless new grad orientee and EVERYONE knows it even management it’s so embarrassing#i’m so embarrassed to be alive and take up space that could be filled by someone so much better smarter prepared someone meant to be there#i don’t want this i don’t want any of this i never wanted to grow up im just a kid in my head i’m so pathetic#i wish i was smart and good at something i wish people looked at me and thought o wow i respect her bc she’s also a good nurse#nobody likes me i’m such a burden to everyone the doctors my preceptors other nurses who deserve to be there#i’m leaking snot everywhere today wasn’t even that bad but i think it’s all just hitting me now how helpless i am#i’m so tired of myself and waking up and making a fool of myself every shift fucking stupid loser i hate myself i try so hard and it’s not#it’s not enough it’s never enough im not enough im an imposter i’ll never be as good as the other nurses even tho i’m really really trying#i seriously don’t want to do this anymore i don’t want to be here i can’t do it everyone knows i’m not cut out for this they all talk shit#ramblings
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really irritating that the avenue of communication i keep open bc i pay the phone bill keeps using it to inundate me with fucking Ads?
#toy txt post#I DONT WANT A NEW PHONE. I DONT WANT AI. LEAVE ME ALONE UNLESS THERE IS A FUCKING PROBLEM. GO DIE IN A FUCKING HOLE#@both SAMSUNG AND VERIZON. ROT#the best part is that they ALSO keep sending me shit like 'agree to opt in to whatever the fuck new terms and conditions to continue#recieving offers! LAST CHANCE!#it never is the last chance and not interacting with it or actively opting in somehow never makes them stop sending me the fucking#offers! youre a liar and piece of shit#youre not getting my fucking s10. im not trading in jack shit. i will keep it until it is fucking bricked#i still have my old HTC one maxx or whatever and i am only now considering send that to some sort of erecycling place if i can#bc it is reaching fully non functional levels despite turning on still so ig i should wipe it and see if it can be taken apart and things#reused. hopefully. i know its inefficient and expensive to do that but idk i think maybe we're looking at the cost wrong. idk. no nvm#i was gonna say maybe it doesnt have to be if you actually valued the human lives youre throwing into the precious metals mines#but quite frankly it does feel like theyre gonna make it cheaper to recycle parts by doing the exact same shit and juat having someone they#see as worth less as a human being paid pennies to hunch over a stupid bricked device and pull miniscule amounts of precious metals out#instead of the mines. that might be marginally better working conditions than The Mines idk. theyll find a way to make cruelty the point#tho im sure. god#also#256gb???? 256gb??? are you fucking kidding me??? die#the s10 has over 500 and ive discovered i CAN in fact fit 1tb microSD card. rot and die. you are nothing to me. useless.
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this week feels like its been 5 years and jesus fucking christ
#im about to. i dint know what im about to do but my god. do i feel like doing something#i hate college now ive decided. dont take so many writing only classes haha. ha. ha.#i hate papers. i nevrr finished the lne i was supposed to do last night.#i feel useless and stupid#i just wanna [slides finger over throat and clicks tongue] ya know.#real bad#every day i get increasingly more likely to panic text my mom hey mom cant do this anymore love you or some shit#i dont! it would end bad! very bad! but good lord.#i think im supposed to say something if my new meds make me feel more inclined to gi through the motions instead of ideation but#i cant keep figuring out meds. so im just gonna wait until it settles in my system alright? :)
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holy SHIT man..
#we have four fucking ppl out with covid at work today#out of like. 30 people. fucking CHRIST#god knows how many more of us are gonna get sick. i just had a fever a few days back and now im worried it was covid#just. fuck man!#and our management is wanting us to do random useless things today on top of the normal chores that NEED to get done and are behind#like DUDE we are missing 13% of our fucking coworkers right now we CANNOT afford to be doing stupid shit rn#but nope. our manager HAS to move a fuck ton of cats around to make new group rooms and stress the animals out TODAY#bc it obviously cant wait and we obviously have time and she definitely knows what shes doing (she doesnt. our cats are pissed)#like dude. we are usually so strict and careful abt group rooms so that cats dont get each other sick and dont fucking half kill each other#but theyre just tossing them into rooms#WITHOUT EVEN CONSULTING THE FUCKING CAT LEAD FIRST!#oughghhh. hellish day#i dont understand the fire under their asses to mess with our cats today. everything is fine we're not short on space its all good#and why today of all days when half of us are missing
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googles what kills houseplants not so i know what to avoid but so i can commit premeditated botanical murder
#i have Had it with my mom's stupid piece of shit fruitfly-attracting waste of leaves#i don't even know what it IS it's just 3 miserable twigs that barely sprout from the dirt and sit by the sink doing nothing#so im thinking that bitch is gonna get a daily intake of Very salted boiling water perhaps also with dish soap in it <3#we have been having fruit fucking flies all over the damn house FOR A SOLID YEAR#moms not doing shit about it. i keep complaining and she just keeps having fugly useless plants that they can lay eggs in#it's just me and her. someone's got to fucking take matters in their own god damn sinful little bitch hands
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time to have my monthly breakdown/freakout over the fact that I shouldn't have gotten a dog cuz Noodle did terribly on his walk lmao
#i know he's in his teen phase and it's the worst and im not patient enough and im new to this so everything seems worse than it is#and my anxiety makes everything a million times worse#but it would be nice if it felt like my dog even liked me!#he's not food motivated except when it comes to boiled chicken. and human food#but it's not what he should be eating all the time and it gets expensive and it's making training so fucking hard#how can i train him to do things when he refuses to pay attention to me and doesn't care about most treats#it's stupid i shouldn't be crying over this he's just an 8 month old puppy#why do i get overwhelmed over everything it's so stupid why am i like this#why did my mom buy me a dog why did she expect this to go well when nobody is here to help me#god im such a fucking idiot loser lmao#im so angry at myself. i shouldn't be this useless at my age#ugf. sorry#delete later#ari speaks
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idk i think one part of my love language is saying good morning and good night
#idont knowww i need to. stop getting into new media#im so stupid instead of studying a cs midterm i cried over fe3h when the end credits were rolling#first run is finished i woke up early today so that i could start second run while i ate breakfast#my beloved beagles im coming#rambling about stuff#rambling about fe#I HAVE A CS MIDTERM IN 10 HOURD I DONT KNOW WHAT GOD EXISTS OUT THERE#BUT IM GOIJG TO NEED HELP I FUCKING HATE RACKET#SHITTIEST LANGAUGE EVER WTF#hahahahaha imagine learning a language in ur first cs class and its a lanhguage thats actually useless in terms of#getting u a job
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ton of shit i need to do and i'm just
#Cade.vnt#why bother trying to go to the doctor to get anything checked out when I already know what'll happen.#they'll look at me n ignore everything i say just to tell me its cus im fat and thats it n kick me out#like i wasted their time.#I need to go find a therapist n look into getting professionally diagnosed w autism but god do i just#not want to bother jumping through all their hoops to try n get them to listen to me and hear what i have to say#its already impossible to even find a therapist who will take my insurance. its impossible to even get any of them#to fucking call me back. i am trying so hard to fucking find help for anything from anyone n none of these people give a single shit about#me#family keep telling me to just keep trying! its what i have to do i just have to keep trying and keep going but i am so fucking tired of#everything anymore. trying to get disability n i hate having to try n get these people to listen to me or understand#feel like my body is falling apart more n more lately and jst feels wrong but i dont eant to bother with the doctors anymore#and on top of it all i feel fucking disgustred with myself that i m like this and that i am complaining and crying over this shit#when theres people who have it so much fucking worse#im pathetic and stupid and useless.
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god im such a fucking loser
#crying over the fact im not my cousin this is so fucking stupid#i know shes not perfect and yet shes so much better than ill ever be#she has good grades shes an amazing singer she does musical theater she does choir she does sports she speaks multiple languages#shes so fucking close to perfect#meanwhile im a lazy ass with a stupid body that gets lightheaded if i sit up for too long i cant even do my REDUCED work#im failing classes my mental health is shit my BODY is shit#i just#god fucking dammit why do i even exist#im useless i cant do anything why am i even fucking HERE#vent#personal
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i took the bait. i took the bait and i am suffering the quencies.
#i am so tired#my brothers loooove racism#i know they just dont want to recognize it bc then they have to face the face that theyre racist lmfao#face the fact*#we made peace (well. ''peace''. i am still appalled w them.) though so whatever#mum congratulated us on being able to step back and move on so yay i fucking guess#best outcome considering everything. but god. fuck.#i know i am putting myself directly in harm's way by ever engaging and trying to educate#but everyone says ur a bad person if u dont educate when u have the chance to. so. i want to help and make the world better#and i have no opportunities to otherwise. but its not doing anyone any good to try to engage w family#i just. keep trying. bc i keep thinking its so fucking obvious and indisputable. and then they keep proving me wrong. somehow.#im a fucking awful person if i don't try though. i have to keep trying even if it fucks me over. bc ppl do so much out there#and im sitting in this stupid fucking house absolutely useless doing nothing. i have to try#but I can't keep getting in trouble. im going to smash my head into a wall. i just want to help.#i just want to be helpful. i dont want to be a bad person fjfjdl i dont want to let harm continue#and maybe im just being dramatic abt getting into trouble !!! maybe it is not that bad !!! and if i stop trying then im a coward !!!#i dont know !!!! i want to go to bed. nightmares are easier to handle than this rn honestly.#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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everyday i wake up against my will n im lettin y’all know now that i’m abt 1 more waking up against my will day away from somehow someway making it god’s personal problem
#blueface baby ayyy#i love my cat but sometimes i am annoyed bc if it wasn’t for his existence i would said sayanora Long ago lmao#i wanna d word i was not supposed to make it past 18 i’m so fucking angry#im not gonna amt to anything in life i’m so scared of it all so pathetic and weak#i’m too weak for this world someone else can have my place i was never supposed to be here anyways hahah i’m not good at anything#i have zero talents ive wasted 10 years of my life writing books and publishing nothing i live in my stupid dreamworld#i don’t know how to hold a conversation i don’t want to go outside i want to rot in my bed i am so sick of myself#also don’t come in my ask box on some wahwahwah stop self pitying crybaby grow up ok bc i’ve literally been telling myself that for years#if someone walked up to me rn n was like here have this euthanasia pill and i knew my cat would#be safe and happy w someone else then yes i would take it in a heartbeat lmao no water necessary !!#im a burden to my family a financial burden all i’m good for is putting more debt unto others how USELESS!!!!!!!!#i have no friends but it’s my fault bc i don’t talk to anyone back i just i can’t#i think subconsciously i’m trying to push everyone further and further away so when i die they aren’t hurt#i don’t want a funeral i don’t want anyone to grieve me i feel like a narcissist even assuming someone would grieve over me lol#i just want to be forgotten about i want everyone to keep living and doing well without me to get in their way#i’m just an obstacle in other ppls lives a hindrance a fucking troll without a riddle just hurtful mean words#i’ll write everyone apology notes#i have so much guilt inside me it’s filled my lungs and heart sometimes i can’t breathe if i think abt all the ppl i’ve hurt by being alive#god put me on this earth to teach ppl lessons abt avoiding ppl like me#fuck god i’m done being his puppet i’m done hurting ppl i’m gonna go away someday and no one will ever hurt again#why do i want to cry i’m so fucking self absorbed why the fuck am i sad abt myself#i think subconsciously there’s something in me that wishes to stay alive and be the positive impact on ppls lives like i always wanted#i always wanted to help ppl and make friends and include everyone and now i’m just so toxic i let younger me and everyone else down so bad#i feel like my mom hated me too right now i feel like she deserved a better prettier smarter funnier more selfless daughter#im ok everyone btw im just being dramatic n venting lol dw i’ll start writing in a journal instead of tags soon#shut up cianna
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ok i took my meds after lik a week🤭
#hope it helps ig#my week is like a stupid routine of#oh my god i like them so much#they will never like me back life is pointless#no one likes me life is pointless#i dont care they dont like me bc no one does im so unlikeable#and u know what thats ok i dont need them to like me i dont like them that much#..and back to step one#mostly triggered by a cute ass picture of them#bc they are#cute#ill throw myself in the trash ok#fuck i forgot to flod my fucking laundry im so useless and its gonna be all gross#dom.com#e
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