#god. i never thought id feel this way.
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Does anybody else feel like mental health awareness has done very little to help them in material reality
#i was gonna say done nothing to help but that seemed too harsh#like there definitely is more knowledge about it now. maybe more people feel comfortable speaking about it which is good#but personally i don't feel that. like idk. workplaces will post about mental health awareness and then do nothing to help employees#the same w universities. my uni cut back the already meager mental health support#and then the government is doing absolutely fuck all as well#like idk im just back in a place i thought id gotten out of long ago and i still don't feel comfortable talking about it with people#maybe that's a me problem or maybe it's cultural or something idk. but in the 10 years ive been depressed (🫠) i don't think it's gotten a#whole lot better. teenagers are still dealing with the same shit i did and they're still not being taken seriously#women's mental health is not even spoken about.....anxiety depression sh eds etc are still ignored or seen as hysterical behaviour in women#or just normal esp with disordered eating. society hasn't changed people still want women to be stick thin and weak#like i know 10 years is a short time and there has been massive improvements in mh awareness if we look back over the past 50+ years#but idk i just think that it hasn't gotten better for a lot of people#i think specifically of belfast and like god. the amount of trauma there is the amount of homelessness the amount of substance abuse#drug abuse in particular that has gotten visibly worse over the past decade or so*#and i connect the dots n see the 2008 recession + a tory gov defunding the nhs + dehumanisation of homeless people & addicts + the troubles#+ ptsd + generational trauma + a negative peace + classism + paramilitary drug dealers + parties linked to those paramilitaries#and its like hmmmm i think we live in a society. and a mental health approach based on individual actions like journaling and meditation#isn't the way to go. or at least is not the be all and end all which is what a lot of mental health awareness raising seems to promote#*visibly worse on the streets. it was always a problem ofc but even a decade ago my parents never imagined it would be as bad as it is now#and it's become so normalised. i do think there's less individualism here than there seems to be elsewhere which can be good and can be bad#but i think we are becoming more and more individualistic. slowly. there's still a sense of community here but i do think it's changing#and callousness towards homeless people is one of the most obvious examples of this.#love when i put a wee asterisk in the tags of a post. like i have A Lot To Say lol
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My 3 little cousins were baptized today. "Triggered" is kind of a strong word but being in a catholic church again... I'm a little fragile rn ngl.
#butch speaks#it was hard not to shake as i held J over the basin to have the water poured on his head#when he was cleansed of sin. as if a little kid could ever knowly or intentionally offend a so-called loving god#the words came naturally to me#but they meant nothing#i remember when they used to mean something. when i begged gods forgiveness for my sin (being a lesbian) and tried to pray the gay away#i remember how much i wanted to die bc i could never truly embrace the sacred#i STILL deal with the complex of catholic guilt. its a very real thing. its hard to shake#i cant help but wonder if the catholicism ingrained in my brain is why i have a hard time with casual dating n sex#fun fact: there was a point when i was a teen that i got REALLY catholic#i prayed everyday. i talked to my patrin saint (st agnes) every day. i wantsd to become a nun#the thought of marrying a man mad me more sad than feeling like an alien did. so id marry the church as a nun.#not the way to hide being a dyke when ur fam is catholic btw LMAO#the first priest i knew was father joe. i loved that guy. he was so kind. friendly. briming with love.#he was one of my biggest references for what a good person was like#he talked about gods love a lot. how its for everyone. no one is exluded. ever.#he used to look right at me when he said stuff like that. a few other kids too. all of whom grew up to be queer#then father joe passed away. our church merged with another church. father jeff was the priest there.#he was kind but not as kind. he talked about hell and sin more. he looked at the same kids father joe did.#but the kindness in his eyes wasnt there.#that wasnt for us.#my family wasnt even THAT catholic#i went to church every sunday i did vacation bible school and catechism classes and youth group#i was an altar servant and in the choir#i even used to speak/understand a little latin#imagine how much worse id have been if my mom could have afforded catholic school lmao#grateful to have grown up poor in that regard#hm. actually... reading my own tags. mayne we were pretty catholic actually.#fucking hell.#i need to have lesbian sex in a church before god and everyone. mayeb that would fix me.
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one of these days i'm going to write up all that i've changed from azzarello's bullshit era and the one (1) piece i've kept from milligan (and also changed) and the only thing currently stopping me is that it is going to be so, so inside-baseball incomprehensible. and i almost never want to go reading/screencapping azzarello and milligan to add references but i Want to add references.
canon is goop, just know that we continue to ride the bus down "hellblazer ended at #250 and looks like swiss cheese before that" street.
#( ooc. ) OUT OF CIGS.#i'm doing page maintenance before i fuck off to work rip it's got me thinking#anyway i think i said WAY back on this blog that a side goal of mine is to make hellblazer lore accessible to non-comic readers where i can#bc it's such a Heavy comic & i love it so much & i always felt Terrible recommending it to people only for them to be disgusted#and like. @ past me that particular goal is NOT as easy as you thought it would be lmao#esp because i have a habit of getting VERY detail-oriented when it comes to talking about hellblazer i think#but by GOD it's still a goal. i can put in some motherfucking references here and there when i talk about The Lore#like. azzarello's writing style never translates well for me in synopsis bc he Loves to put the audience in the outside perspective#where we are bystanders/with the rest of the bystanders to constantine's actions and not to his motivations/inner monologue#and i HATE that. hellblazer has ALWAYS been about what this guy has going on underneath the masked exterior#all the things you can't say out loud when you're queer and working class trying to survive in 70s-80s-90s england#but that you FEEL with your WHOLE fucking chest. how that feeling drives you to enjoy little rebellions wherever you can get them#(also azzarello just fucking Sucks LMAO but i'm talking style rn)#so i end up relying on frusin's art to tell the story a little more bc i think he understands the Theatre of constantine's public persona#and when that theatre is Absent then it's really REALLY noticeable. so frusin keeps me in it most of the time#and if i'm digging into frusin art then i'm Going to want to compare it to older panels bc i like body language consistency#milligan on the other hand has NOTHING to save his sorry ass bc his writing is drop-jaw fucking terrible AND the artist seems to like it#but the loss of john's thumb being tied to his mental health (ignoring the bullshit with shade) has always felt. important to me somehow id#anyway MUCH thinking about my favorite loser on this about-to-be-annoying day shdjksd he has been done so dirty#hellblazer brain go brrrr
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thank god i only joined tumblr at the end of 2022 so none of you guys know or can see how bad things were before that. things were bad through 2022-2023 but at least you dont know what i was like before that
#⚠️#went through my old instagram#dear god#personal#ive gotten better through 2023 but i feel like im getting way better now that im on t#t saved him <- refering to myself#pre-2023 was so rough i had no sense of my personality so id just attach myself onto whatever meme or youtuber i found funny and make that#my personality for the week#and they were never funny memes i just thought well people find these funny and cool so if i act like that theyll think im cool#they did not think i was cool#man having autism is rough
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#ay ay ay. i dont wanna do my job so bad. it makes me so unhappy also i fucked up a thing by letting someone take part of a culture when i#shouldnt have. it happened so many months ago that i fucking forgot abt it and then the person emailed me abt when we received the stain and#i thought it was someone from another project so i cc'd my boss who was like. wait. what the fuck is this? and now its like oops sorry but#like wtf am i supposed to do abt it now? she askrd me to take some when i was rushing out of someone else's lab and i was like what? sure.#whatever i dont give a fuck i feel like im dying every second i stand in this room. i didnt even think to ask to share it which is what i#should have done. oops. cant do anything abt it now other than feel abt abt causing drama between labs. ugh.#i just wanna cut all ties with my old work. theres no joy there. only pain and anger. which makes it hard to work with it but the sooner i#do. the sooner i dont have to fucking deal with it anymore. ugh. also i really need to find a therapist but my insurance changes in like 18#days so i might as well wait for the semester to start. ugh. like i can feel the pull of my bad habits trying to drag me down and i dont kno#how to stop them. like its weird. i noticed while my parents were here. they can just do things and enjoy stuff. and everytime i do#something i feel like im holding my breath the entrie time waiting for it to be over and for what? its not like i had other stuff to do#i just needed to kno when things were gonna end and i dont deal well with flexible situations. which makes it hard to do things. so its#like do i succumb to my control freak lil bubble of not doing anything and being miserable or do things outside my comfort zone and be#miserable? one of those things is way easier. plus i dont even kno anyone here so its like wtf do i do?#try to make friends with my sometimes roommate maybe. i just need to corner her and be like hey i need to establish a dialog with u so i can#tell u that if i seem like a weird hermit im not trying to b standoffish i just dont kno how to do human interaction well. can we b friends?#id like to b friends but if i dont talk now then ill get stuck not talking ever. which is whats happened with past roommates... god my 1st#roommate must have thought i was so fucking weird. ugh. point is. these bad habits must stop. and i really need to get work done so i can#never think abt that shit ever again. at least now that ive moved i can run up the side of a mountain when im frustrated#unrelated
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thoseve yall who were here a year ago might remember that a year ago He was liking tweets like "idk how people can cheat when im in love im obsessed😍" and "the honeymoon stage rlly doesnt die if youre with the right person🥰" and he was liking stuff like that up till recently now shit like this is in his likes something is BROKEN in him
#i feel bad. i dont even mean it in a conceited way but i cant help but feel like a bit of this is my fault#hes so bright eyed and ambitious that the idea of him losing any of that idealism is nothing short of a goddamned tragedy im sorry#yes this is the guy who lead me on (unintentionally???) and flirted with me for a year despite seeing TWO people during that time#the latter of which became his girlfriend (who i told Everything to ...)#and like. he never apologized he never explained what was going on or why he acted like a fucking simp for a year#but basically we're not talking now and we're on bad terms and angry at each other#(me because. well yall were there for that . hes angry because i ratted his flirty ass out )#god that all stings so bad i havent talked about the details of what happened to anyone......#but yeah i just. even still after all this time i hope he stays bright eyed. the idea that he wouldnt is heartbreaking in and of itself.#that one crush situation lol#idk if theyre still together. it was early novembet i reached out to his gf and laid the whole thing out for her#& she said theyd 'take it from here' (??????) and was uncomfortable with me and him communicating with the knowledge that THAT ALL happened#even while they were together. i told her i could respect that (even though i wanted to ask her who the FUCK she thought she was. anyways)#and then i reached out to him one last time to clarify i wasnt dredging it up for retaliation or to break them up but bc she genuinely#deserved to know. then he sorta said fuck my feelings and then reiterated what his gf said that we shouldnt be talking anymore#its been radio silence since then from bothve them. if they did break up id feel bad (cause how COULDNT i?) but if they didnt.#that means the only factor that changed here was. well. his 'relationship'/chances of a relationship/flirtationship/friendship with me.#i dunno. im not gonna act like i have all the facts and im not gonna act like he hasnt screwed me over#but getting back to my main point. imagine knowing him and watching him lose his idealism. try not being heartbroken over that.
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i just finished we are okay and ive been crying for 40 minutes straight
#crunchyposts#books#reading commentary#dear lord help me. im snotty and my eyes are so puffy and i can feel the phlegm in my throat#its looking so bad for me rn i look awful hsjfghdjskgfdjks#this book put parts of my grief into words in ways i didnt realize i needed to see and then made me take psychic damage every chapter#and now youre making me feel hope to get something back i genuinely thought id never be able to??????#its so deeply unresolved but the hope. god#anyways great book go read it#the lack of resolution for a lot of stuff is definitely the point though like. you never know if you can get the person who you used to be#back. but you can have hope that one day you do#i am so concerned for my face and health though what if im dehydrated oh i am dealing with so much anxiety rn#ill be fine i am just constantly anxious lol
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I hate being mentally ill I hate it
It makes just existing feel God awful and terrifying
Takes all my passion away
Things suck!! Things really suck a lot!!! Aaaa
#bug speaks#vent#all my passion for kingdoms of seasons disappeared#just gone#lol what a way to spend the past three years#i just want to feel happy again that's all i want i hate feeling so desperate and scared constantly#it's all the time#every second of the day the thoughts in my head are just telling me I'll never be happy again and it's terrifying and i hate it#i can't stress enough just how like. difficult it feels to just exist#to be battling with my own brain every day all the time like what the heck#id give ANYTHING to be normal#normal people don't have to do this constantly#why did this have to happen to me lol#bruh#god really did just nerf me huh#could really use some stat boosts rn
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lmao not me making the last post about fandom feeling healthy and then not being able to sleep because i can't stop thinking about the anti-hero reel
#it's a process lol#but also like...yeah Of Course she feels that way#id just never thought about it like that before#god i would hate being famous#anyway <3
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i love being a lesbian 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
#just feeling v v lesbian lately#it's just so magical to be able to love women and feel passionate and happy about them and appreciate women in every way#i used to be so scared of not liking men and what that would mean in the long run#but with every passing day i grow more and more comfortable and free in my identity as a lesbian#i absolutely LOVE loving women and sapphic gnc individuals#i LOVE not feeling obliged to seek attractive traits in men anymore because i used to be filled with fear and confusion#i LOVE knowing who i am and being able to feel comfortable in my own skin loving who i truly love#like idk!!!! it's just so cool!!!!! to be a lesbian!!!!!!!!!!#to love women fully and unapologetically!!!!!!#i never thought that id be able to Be when i started realising i liked girls#i was so utterly terrified i tried to convince myself in many ways that i Must like boys too#and it was hard to free my being from comphet but god ive never been happier in my sexuality since i did it#women are just beautiful and amazing and fantastic and wonderful and im so happy to love and desire them#cheers to all wlw women sapphic trans people and lesbians!!!!!!!!!!!!!#dawning#lesbo
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#gods#im .. in trouble this semester#which sucks bc i was doing so much better last semester#i stopped going to therapy!!#which i think i knew at the time was a Problem#but my therapist suggested it and i didn't want to but i couldn't come up with a better reason than im worried ill nosedive next semester#to be fair to me while i was feeling so much better i knew i wasnt .. stable i guess?#in her defense i can't tell anyone the whole truth even if my life was on the line#and by cant i mean some combination of wont dont want to and its instinctive#but the problem is im failing one of my classes and im at least a little bit suicidal and i havent told anyone really and gods i feel lonely#(and by a little bit suicidal i mean thinking of ways to kill myself 2 days ago. im feeling better now but i don't trust it)#(by feeling better i mean im not Actively thinking of methods but it definitely crosses my mind as a Possibility)#(although i guess its a bit less i want to die and a bit more i want someone to find me before i die and help me)#so anyways this semester might be replacing 10th grade as the worst year of my life#im just.. so tired#i don't want to keep living like this#and im sucking it up and making myself do better but i Hate this#and ive got to think about summer plans bc i don't want to go back to my parents house but i also Really want to bc i can see my brother and#maybe i can see my friends(?) and maybe if i tell my parents everything that's been going on theyll take care of me?#but i Really want to stay here bc i always regret going home and bc ive gotten used to living on my own and i really like all the freedom it#gives me?? but i need to get an internship or a job or something if i want to stay here but its So Late and now that im thinking about it im#worried that ill be so isolated here that ill feel worse? but if i get a therapist here then maybe itll be okay??#i don't know#and im almost done with my junior year and i don't know what i want to do with my future and#i just never thought id get this far yknow? i honestly thought i wasnt going to make it to 18 or college and now im almost 21 and so close#to graduating?? and i don't know how to face the rest of my life#im just tired and stressed and depressed#i just want a hug and a friend that i can tell everything to#ne ways im just tired and whiny and i need to suck it up and get groceries and do my hw
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YOU GUYS IM SEEING HOZIER TODAY!!! TODAY AS IN TWO HOURS FROM NOW
#screaming crying throwing up#im in the uber on the way to the venue and i feel like i shouldve brought a paper bag to breathe into so i wont hyperventilate#i cant believe this is actually happening#you know when people say ‘oh i never thought id say this’#well I actually actually never thought id see him live 30 mins away from my house this is madness madness i tell you#i feel light headed i feel cardiac arrest i wanna pee from the nerves GOD HELP ME NOT TO FAINT#anyway yeah send me good vibes besties#hozier#seeing hozier live GOD
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so do you spiral into rage whenever you realize the person who got you seconds away from killing yourself is moving on with their life when somedays you still feel like you're stuck in that moment that fucking traumatized you and how unfair it is that they get to move on when you almost ended it all over them or do you not have a deep seated fear that you jave no effect on the people aroujd you
#suicide tw#cw suicide#tw suicide#suicide cw#candyskiez vent#i know its irrational. i know#but fuck its. a part of me is almost mad at them for moving on. even though earlier i was fucked up because whst if i hurt them what if im#terrible person. i keep fucking flipflopping. ive never once wanted them back but ive missed them so bad and ive hated them and i still#fucking love them and god. i almost killed myself. i almost KILLED myself and they get to just??? be upset that i didnt want them in my lif#they can just go on about how it was so hard for THEM to lose all their friends when they were the one who cut us out. and everyone feels#bad for them. but fuck. i almost fucking killed myself. i almost killed myself because of this situation. i thought id never be happy again#i was wrong. im finally healing from it. but sometimes i can't help but hate them. because how DARE you ever act like the two things are#even remoteoy equivalent. you lost SOME of your friends because you made a stupid ass life decision you had EVERY way of knowing would blow#up. we were in hell. we were in fucking hell. the friend group almost fucking fell apart becase of your stupid ass. i almost killed myself.#i thought id never be happy again. i almost killed myself without leaving a note so i wouldbt have to feel yhe pain YOU caused me. YOU. and#you think you have the RIGHT to be sad? you arent the fucking victim. you have NEVER been the victim of this situation. you will never be.#and logically i know i know they can feel however they feel and thats valid and yeah they cared. but it feels insulting fucking INSULTING#because how dare you be sorry when i could never forgive you for what you did. how dare you do something so STUPID and get surprised when#people got hurt. you are a fucking awful friend. you dont deserve forgiveness. i dont give a shit youre sorry. why should i care. why is it#MY job to care that youre a fucking idiot. you hurt me. why is it my job to understand why? i almost killed myself.#later on im probably going to feel bad for them again. i know they aren't a monster but god it is so fucking hard to care. ive never gotten#that close to suicide. and they very nearly pushed me over that edge. i was so fucking close to writing a note. i was debating if i should#send the note to my online friends. i was on the fucking brink. i will never fucking forgive them. i almost killed myself.#and their name wouldve been on the note.
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i cannot express how badly it sucks that in order to get better at things im scared of i have to actually do them in order to not be scared of them anymore but its just so . hard
what do you mean i (who gets anxious and incredibly distressed and immediately loses all energy for anything and withdraws from talking to anyone) have to socialize with people in order to get better at socializing with people and not getting anxious and upset. hthat is so unfair why cant it just happen overnight
#i dont even want friends at this point#like im fine just having 2#no id otnt need more ppl to talk to... nor do i want it#i dont like that the mere thought of talking to new people makes me want to never talk to anyone at all ever again#(including my current 2 friends. bc as soon as that topic is brought up abt socializing i lose all energy and dont even want to talk to#them or anyone at all)#idont like Crying when i think about being around new ppl because its just . like#i have no other way to describe it other than it is terrifying#when im around new people i feeljust. instantly unsafe#i dont know you i dontknow you personally you dont know me and i feel like i was just#thrown into a room that i cant get out of stuck with people who i dont know who could harm me at any moment#that is what it feels like and it just . suffocates me#but. Physically. to the point where thinking about it makes it hard to breathe . it Scares me being around people#what do you mean i have to be around people to get better . god. is there anything else i can do#i dont even want new friends i just feel like i have to
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That, that was fine right?
#voices in the void#like i said nothing but facts#im not trying to holler right now i swear#how do you say “id like to occupy the space next to you” but like in a no pressure way#there's no way is there#fuck did i fuck up?????#did i jump before looking again????#i thought it sounded pretty caring but platonic#but god i feel so obvious now it feels glaringly obvious fuck#okay no its fine theyre oblivious#and even if they arent and by some miracle they read between the lines#they'll never bring it up on their own they'll probably just ignore it and repress any associated emotions
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today i learned anxiety and allergy attack dont mix
#never eating gummy apple rings again#drove to the lake to go swimming and coming back stopped at the little general store for a snack#chose apple rings bc they taste AMAZING and drove back home#had a few (3 or 4) while driving and started making cookies when i came back#bc i had an invite to some neighbors' dinner and i wanted to bring something#so i was already anxious about that and thought that a swim would tire me out and id be less anxious#the first batch of cookies (lemon sugar) are in the oven when i feel a familiar tingling in my tongue#i go OH SHIT and grab my benadryl that i keep on me#and pray to the lord that i caught the allergy attack quick enough and it would diminish in about 20 min#WRONG#ALL SYSTEMS FREAK THE FUCK OUT#I HAVE 3 MINS LEFT WITH COOKIES IN THE OVEN#IM ABOUT TO PASS OUT ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR (EVEN SITTING DOWN)#MY MIND IS THINKING AT LEAST I CAN BREATHE I CAN STILL BREATHE#BC THE GD HOSPITAL IS OVER AN HOUR AWAY#EVERYTHING HURTS LIKE HELL#THINK LIKE BASIC ALLERGY ATTACK AND ADD PERIOD CRAMPS TO IT AND YOU'VE ALSO BEEN STUNG BY A THOUSAND BEES#SO I SOMEHOW MUSTER THE STRENGTH TO TAKE THE COOKIES OUT OF THE OVEN SO THEY DIDN'T BURN TURN THE OVEN OFF AND STUMBLE TO MY ROOM#I FEEL LIKE IM GOING TO DIE#SO NOW MY THOUGHTS ARE OH GOD NOT HERE NOT THIS WAY I DONT WANT TO DIE FROM STUPID APPLE RINGS#tw emetophobia#AND EVERYTHING JUST COMES UP#IT'S AWFUL#IM LAYING ON THE COLD TILE OF THE BATHROOM WHILE MY WHOLE BODY DECIDES ✨FEVER TIME✨#STILL CAN'T MOVE BC EVERYTHING IS CRAMPING#I LAID THERE FOR PROBABLY 15 MINS#CRAWLED TO GET MY HEATING PAD AND SOME IBUPROFEN (A MIRACLE COMBO)#AND SLEPT FOR AN HOUR AND IT ALL FINALLY WENT AWAY#I FEEL LIKE IVE BEEN THROUGH HELL AND BACK 😭😭😭😭#irl
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