#going off on behalf of something im not interested in

[baby-xemnas]

I love how sadistic, mean, creepy, trollish law seems to just have this absolute love for luffy things that overrides all else. Like I mean he’s had that fluffy had since he was a kid, wears those fluffy necked/lines clothing on multiple occasions, fluffy father figure in cora, his navigator who he is super protective over is mega fluffy and gets special cuddle privileges with mr trafalagar ‘don’t touch me I’ll stab you’ law. It’s just so amusing to me

i bristled like a sprayed cat at that first typo lmfao

YES. its great. he is all that terribleness (i say appreciatively) but he is also a enjoyer of finest things in life like fluffs

dude freaking kikoku has a furry white guard trim that matches his hat and his wife.

[devondespresso]

Background details about Tommy and Carol from Season 1, and how they are with conflict

<very much not an all exhaustive list, i just saw this gif with something interesting and pulled up the whole show to look into it>

Now the one i saw was slightly longer, showing carol and tommy's continued reactions, so ofc we had to learn how tf to make gifs so i can show you guys what im talking about (this ones at .75 speed)

Specifically, to include not just their initial reactions, but also the next thoughts.

Lets start with Nicole, the redhead on the far right, who obviously isn't nearly as close to the trio as they are to each other (she's basically only around at school and this scene and doesn't stick around after they run from the cops). She's our control (if this were an experiment), the normal reaction. She's surprised in the entertained way. Steve's girlfriend slapped him, things are getting interesting.

Then Carol, who's probably got my favorite reaction. A similar surprise and "Oh" as Nicole, but her eyebrows don't stay up if they even jump at all. Then she looks at Nancy and she's mad, clearly on Steve's behalf. Steve's girlfriend slapped him, how dare she.

Next we have Tommy, the only person in this scene to noticeably flinch, bringing an arm up in front of him and playing it off with the cigarette to his mouth and marveling at the event. To me, it reads as a kind of empathy: if he were in Steve place in that moment, he'd block/shield himself and he has the reflexes to do it even when he's standing several feet away. I could be reading into it, but i still think its interesting he make more movement than the two people closer to them, and even the guy getting slapped (who doesn't even turn away, the momentum of the hit changes his angle slightly).

Then another (im sorry its pretty hard to follow, again, just learned how to make half decent gifs) showing interesting stuff from the fight i never noticed until looking for it. Most notably, extra lines/ad-lib from Tommy and Carol I've subtitled, like Tommy telling Carol to leave (the implication that she didn't want to as Nicole grabbed her, combined with her line worrying about him), Tommy hauling Steve up and Steve stumbling like we see in season 2 after his concussion (not definitive proof he has a concussion or something close to it since hes able to run and talk fine after, but its interesting)

Then we get the conflict afterwards, showing up differently for Carol and Tommy.

With Carol, its arguing. It's jabs at Nancy and it jabs at Tommy and Carol. What i think is really interesting is that the shit Steve says genuinely surprises her. Before she's goofing off with Tommy, the both of them trying to lighten the mood and Steve snaps. And her response isn't "calm down" or "what's gotten into you" (that's more in Tommy's lines), shes genuinely taken aback.

And then at the end, Steve raises his voice (not loud enough for a yell, but combined with the motion it feels like one) and Carol visibly backs up, out of frame entirely for a second. (followed by Tommy blowing up at Steve for yelling at her, and the following lines expressing again how its out of character for him)

That, combined with her reaction to Steve yelling from a previous scene (where he's going to check on Nancy and they tease him for caring) (also at .75 speed)

She's definitely got something going on with yelling specifically, especially since Tommy doesn't even look upset after, an expression similar to Nicole's "shit got interesting" expression from earlier.

Then there's Tommy's conflict, which is probably most memorable because its physical aggression (and very... tense.)

(yes i cut out over half of that moment the file size was massive im sorry)

We see from the Carol gif before and in this one that he gets aggressive. One shove when Steve yells at Carol, then the second Steve pushes back he escalates and even after Steve stops responding we get Tommy slamming the car door and hitting the outside even as Steve is driving out.

Its much harder to tell with him what the deal is, especially since he doesn't get the same vulnerable looks as Carol does. I think you could headcanon him having a similar thing as Carol, or as just macho-jock bullshit he learned to stay on top, or even it all leading back to having a crush on Steve.

This also doesn't really prove or disprove Tommy's actual ability to fight (i remember seeing people talk about it but I can't remember specifics) since he could either be a solid fighter who knows how to hit and protect from a hit, or he's talking out of his ass and sticks to intimidation and blocking when he needs to. Again, up to you (i certainly don't know which I find more interesting yet)

I personally also like to think the three of them were really good friends for a while, at least since middle school (but im also a sap especially for best-friendships) I wish we could've seen more of how Carol was taking the split up in season 2 and maybe something from Tommy other than how he hangs out with Billy now. Maybe Carol and Tommy split after Steve left, maybe it happened when Tommy tried replacing Steve with Billy in their trio, maybe they never split and Carol avoided Steve afterwards.

(tho i am kinda glad the story let them go after 2 seasons, we get a lot more room to play around with what-ifs and read into their scenes)

[lottesreads]

Why Me? - Part 10

Pairing: Bob Floyd x Mitchell! Female Reader (Callsign Mantis)

Warnings: Forbidden relationship, ANGST, violence, nightmares, mentions of PTSD, mentions of child abuse, swearing, mentions of anxiety and panic attacks, smutty (smut-ish?) (horny thoughts, idk), mentions of drinking, Rooster being ok for once. (Let me know if I missed any, there's just a lot going on in this one)

Word Count: 13.5k (IM SO SORRY)

Summary: You're facing the consequences after Phoenix's party, knowing what you want isn't fair to you or Bob. After a bit of a setback, you go back to work more than ready to prove to yourself you are part of the squad for a reason. And it doesn't take long for you and Bob to realize avoiding each other isn't the right way to go about things.

A/N: An extra long part, just for you lovely bunch. I just want to personally thank each and everyone of you for sticking around! I am so sorry this took literally two months to get out, but ya girl was going through it man. I wrote and re-wrote this part so many times and I hope you all like it. Again, I love to hear what y'all think!

I should also mention I was listening to TTPD on repeat while writing, so do with that what you will.

Masterlist

Despite the cool temperature seeping through the night air, your skin is unbelievably hot. From your head down to your toes you are burning up. Right as you think you have it under control and can go back inside to the party you’re reminded about what happened moments ago and the cycle starts from the beginning. Your tongue runs over your lips as you attempt to get your breathing under control again, but the taste of Bob lingers. What did you just do?

Bob is doing all he can right now. Which is simply sitting behind the steering wheel of his truck, staring at the dashboard with his heart in his throat. He just kissed you. Well technically, you kissed him first, but the second one… He started that one. Right after he told you what he promised himself he never would.

His forehead falls to the stitching of the leather wheel as he lets out a breath. It was like you appeared from his thoughts when you followed him out the back door. It took everything in him not to look at you because he knew if he did, he would have ended up telling you exactly what he did. And then you apologized. On behalf of some woman he wasn’t interested in, who was kinda mean to him. The embarrassment of his supposed “date” for the night making out with Rooster was shortly overthrown by your hands on his face, tugging him into what he would call the best part of his night, no- year- lifetime? Ugh. He takes his glasses off, rubbing the bridge of his nose. You’ve got him all messed up. Either way, it wasn’t a dream this time, and you told him you wanted to kiss him. You’re the one that initiated it! That must mean something, right?

He keeps running over what happened, trying to figure out where to pick up from where you two were interrupted. Ok, first he confesses his feelings, two, you kiss him. YOU kissed HIM. And you told him you wanted to, which is why three: he kissed you. Oh god, he kissed you, held you, and everything about it was… perfect. Your lips were so soft against his, you smelled like flowers and tasted like his favorite soda. But then, before you could do or say anything else, the back door was opening, and now he finds himself behind his steering wheel. Oh god, did he really just leave you there?

Placing his glasses back on his face, Bob stares out the window of his truck at Phoenix’s house. You were probably still out in the backyard, or maybe you went back inside after he abandoned you. Either way, there’s no way he can walk back inside and act like everything is normal. Not now, maybe not ever. His hand falls to his key in the ignition, and as slow as he can, he turns it, roaring the truck to life. Before he gets too far down the street, Bob takes one last look in his rearview mirror, the glow from the house getting dimmer the farther he drives away.

-----------------------

It’s not long after you’re able to collect yourself to your utmost ability that you quietly creep back into the kitchen. The party is still in full swing in the living room, and Phoenix catches your eye as you head toward the front door without anyone else noticing. She slips away from Rachel for a quick second, heading in your direction.

“Are you heading out?”

“Yeah”, you reply apologetically. “Thanks for having me over.” Her eyes roam over your face, as yours dart toward your feet, hoping she won’t notice something’s off.

“Ok…”, she lets you go, “Thanks for coming over, it means a lot to us.” Her face gives you a shy smile, something you don’t see her sport a lot. It makes you forget about your own dealings for a moment and remember why you came over in the first place.

“I was happy to. Rachel’s a keeper.” 

“Oh don’t start getting all sappy with me”, she teases as she gently hits your shoulder. You’re halfway across the lawn when she calls out to you one last time. “And Mantis?”

“Yeah?”, you ask, turning toward her voice.

“If you see Bob will you just tell him I need to talk to him?” Your mouth goes dry, and you force a small smile to your face.

“Uh-huh”, it comes out a little more squeaky than you hoped, but she understands you nonetheless. She closes the door and you turn back to your car, face heating up once again.

Somehow you managed to drive home, AC on blast, trying to cool yourself down. Flashes of Bob’s rough hands being so gentle with you alight your senses, giving you butterflies. You can practically feel his lips on yours, the way he gripped your waist, ran his hand up your back, has you closing your eyes, somehow hoping you’d be able to feel it all again. You can’t help it as you walk to the front door, but the feeling of his lips chasing your own has your mouth shifting into the smallest smile. Everything is right with the world as you reminisce, but you know from experience that good things never last.

-----------------------

Your mind is hazy as Bob’s lips move in sync with your own. It’s comfortably warm as his hands trail down your sides, your own moving up into his hair. He stops, just for a second, and you’re able to look around at your surroundings. It’s your room, but it’s not yours. It’s the room in your mom’s house back in Ohio. It looks the same way it did the day you started packing. Like it’s been perfectly preserved in time. Only, Bob is here, and there’s a mysterious haze surrounding the two of you. That panicky feeling starts to rise as you notice each and every detail your mind had stored away long ago, you didn’t even remember how many picture frames you had on your dresser until this very moment. All four of them sit in their exact spots, each depicting a moment with your dad, Carole or Bradley.

Bob’s mouth makes its way back to your own, and you forget about where you are, allowing yourself to get lost in this dream. Each moment spent not focusing on Bob paints a clearer vision of the place you spent a majority of your life wishing you could escape. But right now, all you want to do is stay. Your feet lead the way to your twin bed, pushing Bob onto the pink covers as you straddle his lap. You so desperately need to know how it feels to have him in this position, but your mind, only knowing what it feels like to kiss him won’t allow you to fulfill your fantasy. You push harder, needing to feel him all over. He starts dragging his lips down your neck as you grip the back of his neck, trying as hard as you can to hold on to him in the only place you know you can. Where there isn’t an outside world telling you it’s against some rule to feel the way you do.

A car door slams shut, disrupting your flow. Your blood runs cold as you freeze in his hold. Your heart thrums in your chest as you sit quietly in his lap, waiting for the following sound of the front door. He continues to kiss up your neck, distracting you as you sit and wait. You flinch as the front door is forcefully closed. You’re vaguely aware of the ghosting of Bob’s hands, his lips, but you wince with each clack of a heel up the wood paneling of the stairs.

You know it’s not real. You know it deep down. But the sound is uncanny as the click of heels gets closer to your room, and now you can barely feel Bob anymore. As if this dream version of him can sense what you’re thinking, he turns your head as you collide your lips together. You can’t hear anything, feel anything other than Bob, and the recent memory of what it felt like to kiss him. The rest of the room is slowly wiped away as you and Bob part, choosing to just hold him instead. You can almost make out the beating of his own heart, as if he were real. The dresser, like a fog, slowly drifts away, the frames on it, the few posters on your wall, your desk. It’s as if you were never teleported back here in the first place.

Moving your head, you take a glance at Bob. You’re still perched in his lap as he gives you a gentle smile. A peaceness falls over you and this hazy version of him. You move to touch the freckle at the base of his hairline, only to feel nothing. That’s something you wish you could have done before now, so you could do it a million more times. You see his head move to kiss your wrist, but feel a breeze where his lips meet your skin. Leaning down, you softly connect your lips with his, at least you know what that feels like. But that only means you will torture yourself with the memory. It does its job now to soothe you into a calm state. For a few brief moments.

The doorknob twists as a large wind sweeps through the room, knocking the door into the wall. Your heart leaps out of your chest as your mother stands in the doorway, smoke practically fuming from her ears.

“YOU ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE!”, she screams. Your hands attempt to grasp on to Bob for dear life, but as you look down you’re only holding air. Bob is nowhere to be found. You squeeze your eyes as hard as you can, bringing your hands up to your face in an attempt to wake yourself. Rubbing as hard as you can so hopefully once you open them she’ll be gone. The all too familiar feeling of sharp nails and the pressure of your mother’s hands wrap around your wrists, forcing you to look into her borderline black eyes. You’re paralyzed in fear, shaking in her grasp as she squeezes tighter and tighter.

“DO YOU EVEN HEAR ME?”, she screams, tacking your name on at the end. First and middle, cursing a pang through your nervous system. A response you thought you had rid yourself of until this very moment. A hand moves to squeeze your cheeks together, stopping you if you even had the guts to say anything. It hurts. It hurts like it did when you were seven, when you were seventeen, and that’s what scares you the most. If this is still a dream, how can it hurt so much?

“YOU NEVER THINK!”, she screams in your face as you try to lean away. Her breath is the same, spearmint gum with an undertone of whatever wine she got into this time. You feel so weak in her hold as she pulls you closer. In a split second the pain from her grip is gone until her palm cracks against your cheek. Hard enough to have you falling off your bed. The palms of your hands tingle as you fall, and it feels like an eternity until your back hits the hardwood flooring.

You awake with a gasp, then a groan as you blink your eyes open. There’s the soft glow from the morning sun streaming through the blinds of your window. Your heart feels as if it’s about to beat out of your chest, it’s hitting your ribcage so hard. The glow falls on your dresser, the one from IKEA your dad insisted on getting you when he started renting the house. The house. The home your dad made in North Island. You look for the picture frames on top, there’s the ones of you and your dad, and Carole, but none of Bradley. You’re home, you’re safe.

Your head falls to the cool wood of your bedroom floor, the sweat oozing from your pores causing your skin to stick to the material. Your back and shoulder are a little sore, probably from falling off your bed, but your wrists and face feel fine. Even so, you lift a shaky hand, eyeing any possible bruising. Nothing. Just the faint green from the fading bruise on your knuckles. You kick the blanket twisted around your legs, rubbing your eyes to avoid tripping to the bathroom. There you turn the faucet on, running your hands under the cold water then splashing some on your face. An attempt to ground you in reality as you stare back in the mirror. Only, you can’t see yourself. You can only see every defining feature that reminds you and everyone else of the monster from your nightmare.

The blood rushes to your ears as your fear makes way for anger. It eats you up, taking over your senses the longer you stare. The face of a person who doesn’t care if you live or die stares back. Throwing down the towel you were using to dry your hands, and clad in your pajamas, you race down the stairs. You barely register your dad asking what that noise was, but you don’t stop, set on making it to the front door. You didn’t even bother putting on shoes, not like it matters, as you start walking. Where to, you don’t know. You just need to feel something real. Know there’s life outside of your head. Away from her.

“Where are you going?”, your dad asks from the front door, you’re a house down when from the lawn he yells your name. And even though it’s coming from your dad, you still flinch, making you all the more mad. He’s taken aback as you turn on your heel.

“I’m going for a fucking walk! Is that ok with you?”, you yell back. He stands there nothing short of aghast as you clench your fists at your side.

“Where the hell did that come from? Are you ok?”, he asks as he holds his hands up in surrender, trying not to set you off anymore than you already are.

“I’m fine”, you spit. The recoil on his face coupled with the worried look has you feeling the tiniest bit remorseful. “I’m sorry, I just- I need to be alone right now.”

“Yeah, that’s fine. I just wanna know when you’re planning on being back.”

“I don’t know, just give me a minute.”

“You’re just gonna walk around barefoot then?”

“I don’t fucking know”, you huff. “I’ll be back. You don’t need to worry about me.” Without sparing him another glance you start walking. Your dad sighs and curses under his breath as he watches you storm off in one of his old t-shirts and your plaid pajama shorts.

You do as you say. Walk. That is until a flash from your dream causes a tremor in your hands you’re doing your very best to ignore. The image of her standing in front of you, in your mirror has you shaking in anger, and that’s when you start running. Where to, you don’t know. You just need to get away for one goddamn second. The slam of your bare feet against the cement hurts in the best way, letting you know this is real. It’s not some nightmare you can’t escape from. 

It’s not fair. The way she haunts you, ruins every good thing you get your hands on. You curse the fact that ever since you were little people were always telling you how much you looked like your mother. She lingers in the mirror every time you try to look at yourself. It makes you wonder if she sees you whenever she catches sight of herself. Then again, you always thought one of the reasons she despised you so much was because you reminded her of your father. A constant reminder of her biggest mistake in life.

The only real way you know time has passed is the way the sun rises slightly higher in the sky. You haven’t stopped running since you started, and it isn’t until the feel of sand beneath your bare feet slows you down. Your calves are burning as you trudge your way across the warm grains. It gets colder as you get closer to the water, and once the salty waves lap at your feet you stop.

Quickly realizing how out of breath you are, you back up and fall into the warmer sand. Your hyperventilating moves into gasping breaths as your chest heaves. You glance up to the light blue sky, then down to the deep blue of the Pacific. You’re reminded of Bob’s gentle eyes, and his kind smile. You allow yourself to get angry again. Just for a little bit. He left you last night. After saying those wonderful things about you, and then granting you a moment you won’t be able to forget in this lifetime. And again, in your dream. He left. Just like everyone does. Not that he had a choice. You can’t be selfish and expect him to stay when you know it’s a risk for the both of you. You hang your head, placing it in between your knees as you hug them closer to yourself. It’s just not fair.

You could ask yourself why. Why after almost 11 years of not seeing your mother, why she still haunts your nightmares. But you know. You were doing something you shouldn’t have. Every time you misstepped, misspoke, she was there to punish you. And even now that she’s not a part of your life, she will always exist in that little part of your brain that punishes yourself. Maybe the two of you aren’t as different as you like to think.

-----------------------

After a restless night, much to the chagrin of Sylvia, who ultimately decided to sleep on the floor rather than next to the twisting and turning of her dad, Bob checks his phone. There’s a couple texts from Phoenix asking him to call her, one from Fanboy confirming their movie night later in the week, but nothing from you. To be fair, he was the one who ran away in the first place, but every time he picked up his phone to draft a text to you, it seemed all wrong. What could he say through a text that could convey how he felt, or how much he wanted to talk to you again? Tossing his phone to the pillow next to his own, he huffs out a breath, running a hand over his face. Everything is just so confusing.

As he stares at the ceiling, his phone starts to buzz. He squints at the screen after reading the name, surely it can’t be. Grabbing his glasses and placing them on his face he double checks the caller I.D. So he had it right the first time, huh. Maverick’s contact name comes up as it continues to buzz, and Bob answers it with a shaky hand. There’s no way this was on purpose. The only reason he even had his number was so Maverick could coordinate everything for the initial beach day. And then he told everyone to keep his number for emergencies.

“Hello?”, Bob asks as he breaches the silence of his room.

“Bob, hey. It’s Maverick.” Ok, so he does know he called Bob.

“Hey, Mav. What’s up?”

“Listen, I’m sorry to bother you, but it’s Mantis.” Bob swallows, trying to clear the frog in his throat at the mention of you.

“Is everything ok?”

“Yeah, I don’t know. She ran out in a hurry this morning and she hasn’t been back since. I normally wouldn’t worry, but she left her phone and it’s already been a while. Listen- have you seen her at all?” Bob’s thoughts are running through his mind, wondering if you’re hurt somewhere.

“No sir”, not since you had your hands all over him last night. His face heats up at the thought, but immediately he refocuses his attention on worry, clearing his throat. “Not since last night. Have you checked with Phoenix?”

“Yeah, she hasn’t seen or heard from her either. I just thought that since the two of you are friends she might have said something. Did she seem ok last night? Or did anything happen?” Bob’s heart sinks as the thought that he might be the reason you’re gone moves to the forefront of his mind.

“Um- yeah she seemed fine last night.” Bob’s mind is reeling, you did seem ok. You seemed to be enjoying yourself, actually. But then again, maybe it’s not about him. “I can go out looking for her”, he rushes out.

“No, that’s ok. I think Phoenix is already doing that. Stay put, maybe she’ll show up at someone’s house”, he sighs. Bob can tell he sounds stressed. He can almost picture him standing on the front porch of your house, waiting for you to come back.

“Ok. Will you just uh- have someone let me know when you find her?”

“I will. Thanks Bob.”

“No problem, sir.”

-----------------------

The beach has gotten a little louder, a little hotter since you arrived. But all you’ve been doing is staring out at the waves. The cool breeze shifts loose hair around your face, the unruly locks that haven’t been taken care of after you woke up this morning. The weight of a hand on your shoulder takes you out of your trance as you quickly try to move out of the grasp.

“Get the fuck away from me!”, you yell. The hand retreats almost as fast as it landed, and squinting, you look up to identify the face.

“Whoa, easy there Hulk. It’s just me”, Natasha lets out as you readjust yourself in the sand to your previous position. Wordlessly she sits down next to you, making sure to keep a safe distance.

“Sorry”, you whisper so quietly you’re not even sure she heard it.

“It’s ok”, she responds softly. She lets the two of you sit in the silence, anticipating what you’re going to do next.

“How long have you been out here?” You shrug in a silent response. “What’s going on?”

Your mouth twitches as you stare at your feet. Shifting the sand in between your toes. “Nothing”, you lie. “I’m fine.” You hear her take a deep breath before she speaks again.

“Your dad called me, asked if I’d seen you at all.” Internally you scoff. You told him you’d be back, it’s like he won’t let you do anything now- “That was two hours ago”, she finishes her thought. Oh.

“I didn’t- I didn’t know.” You shake your head slightly. It had only felt like you’d been here for 10 minutes. How have you been here for longer than an hour? You don’t dare to look over, you know that the brown eyed gaze of your best friend is already looking you over in worry.

“It’s ok. Do you wanna head inside?” You squint at her words, confusion clouding your mind.

“Inside?”

“Yeah, just inside the-”, she stops mid sentence, redirecting her questioning, “Mantis, do you know where you are?” “I’m at the beach”, you respond flatly.

“Ok. Do you know which beach?” Swallowing, you look around for the first time since you arrived. There’s a lifeguard station with the number 6 on it just down to your right, and you can still hear the faint hum of cars from the road behind you. “That’s ok”, she lightly responds, deciding you do not actually know where you are. “Let’s go inside.”

She allows you to stand on your own, just knowing that you’d follow her. When you turn around, she directs the two of you to your right, and there it is. The Hard Deck. Somehow you had made it all the way from your home, down to the Hard Deck, without stopping. You fold your arms, keeping them close to you. Penny is already waiting at the back door, granting you a small smile as you walk up the couple steps to the bar. Phoenix stops you before you go in, placing a pair of sandals in front of you to step into. Huh, you didn’t even notice she was carrying those. It’s only after you step inside Penny’s sanctuary that you realize how bad your feet and legs hurt.

They sit you down at a table and slide you a glass of water. Neither moves to touch you, even as Penny sits down with you while Phoenix steps aside to call someone, presumably your father. You’re quiet as you stare at the grain of wood in the tabletop.

“Are you hungry, hun?”, she asks as you continue to stare at the table.“I can fix you something in the kitchen”, she offers as you glance up at her, giving a small shake of your head.

She sighs before starting again, “I know this probably isn’t what you want to hear right now, but when my dad started having flashbacks and nightmares, it really helped him to talk to someone. Got him an actual diagnosis which helped with treating it.” You furrow your brows as you cock your head slightly.

“Diagnosis for what?”

“PTSD”, she grimaces as she tries to cover it with a half smile. She probably thinks this is some work-related thing

“Oh- this isn’t, it’s not Navy-related”, you’re a little slow to correct. She sighs again and reaches her hand out for you before thinking better of it and placing it in her lap.

“Just because it doesn’t come from being in the Navy doesn’t mean it’s not real.” You clench your jaw and look away right as Phoenix finishes her phone call.

-----------------------

Nat drives you home in silence as you mull over Penny’s words. Was it really that obvious you had a nightmare? It just hadn’t happened in so long. You thought it wouldn’t come back. That she wouldn’t come back. She promised she wouldn’t be a part of your life, you guess that’s just her lingering charm that’s sticking around.

“What started it this time?”, she asks. You turn from staring out the passenger window and glance at her. The dream comes back to you in flashes, Bob’s hands on you, your lips over his, and then… You flinch slightly at the glimpse of her face in your head, the feeling of her grip.

“I don’t want to talk about it”, you respond lowly.

“OK”, she replies.

“How did you know where I was?”, you question as she spares you a look before turning back to the road.

“I was already out looking for you when your dad called and said Penny thought she saw you sitting on the beach. She wasn’t sure what you would do if she approached you, and I had to convince Mav not to book it down there himself.” You’re eternally grateful for Phoenix for knowing exactly what you needed in that moment.

“He’s just overreacting”, you try to shrug it off. She parks in front of your house, and you cringe at the blue Bronco in the driveway. So he really just called everyone, huh?

“Is he, Mantis?” She looks over to you, and you look down to your fingers for solace. Deciding you’re not up for a conversation you move on.

“Thanks for coming to get me.”

“I always will, you know that.” And you really do. Phoenix has been there more often than not to pick you up when you fall. She was the one person you could count on back at the Academy, and she’s been there for you ever since. Especially when you weren’t even sure you could trust your dad to let you stay in school. Even when she graduated two years before you and went on to flight school, she never kept out of touch.

She follows you up the steps to your door, and before you’re able to  step one foot into your house, your dad is pulling you into a bone-crushing hug. You’re a little uncomfortable, and you’re sure anyone can read it on your face.

“Dad”, you wheeze, “Dad I’m fine.” He moves as you push him away, only to hold onto your upper arms.

“What the hell is wrong with you?!”, he raises his voice, causing you to flinch. “Do you know how worried I was?” You didn’t actually see him before now, but Rooster is grabbing his arm, urging him to let you go.

“I’m sorry. I just- I needed to get out for a second.”

“A second? A second- You were gone for hours. You didn’t have your phone with you, didn’t have any shoes, you’re still in your pajamas for Christ’s sake!” With every word he throws at you, your brow furrows and your lip trembles a little more.

“Mav”, Rooster starts as he grabs your dad’s attention, “Ease up, man. You’re scaring her.” And even though he might be a little bit right, just the sound of his voice irritates you to no end. Him and his stupid Hawaiian shirt. A switch is flipped and you’re back to being angry again.

“No one fucking asked you Rooster. Why the hell are you even here?” He blinks at your sudden change, and shakes his head, trying to find an answer.

“Hey!”, your dad exclaims as he turns back to you with wide eyes. “He came over here because I was worried. I didn’t know if you went to someone else’s house, or were kidnapped, or god forbid, were hit by a car or worse!”

“Well obviously I’m fine.”

“I know that now. But it still doesn’t explain what you were doing for so long, or how you even ended up at the Hard Deck.”

“I told you I was going for a walk. And I don’t really think I need to explain myself to you.” You brush past the two of them without sparing a second glance, but you can hear your dad following after you.

“We are not done here!”, he yells up the stairs as you close the door to your room.

-----------------------

Bob is aimlessly walking around his kitchen as Sylvia stares on in confusion. They just got back from a run, and instead of resting like they usually do, he’s still pacing. He knows your dad told him to stay put, but if there was a chance that maybe he could find you while with Sylvia, he was gonna take it. He’s heard nothing from anyone since he first picked up the phone this morning, and that was hours ago. He’s starting to get really worried about you.

Deciding that walking around isn’t going to help anything, he decides to take a shower. He’s undressed, about to hop in when his phone starts ringing. He doesn’t even check who it is before he answers.

“Hello?”

“So you won’t answer my texts, but you’ll pick up a call? Good to know Floyd”, Phoenix’s voice echoes in his ear. He forgot all about them in the chaos of this morning.

“Is she ok?”, he immediately asks, ignoring her question. She sighs from the other end of the phone.

“She’s home and… she’s safe”, she utters as Bob takes a breath of relief.

“Is she ok though?”, he urges. She’s silent for a moment as he waits for an answer. “Phoenix?”

“It’s not that simple. She’s been through a lot.”

“She told me… about her mom.”

“She told you?”, Bob can tell by the shock in her voice you probably haven’t had the same kind of conversation with her. “She’s never actually said anything to me. Just that her mom wasn’t very nice. I kinda figured it out after we started rooming together and she’d wake up crying, just drenched in sweat. She wouldn’t let anyone touch her and- God I shouldn’t even be telling you this.” Bob hangs his head and nods as if she can see him. As much as he wants to know, he also knows that if you haven’t shared it with him yet it was probably for a reason.

“You’re probably right. Where- where did you find her though?”

“She made it all the way to the Hard Deck. Craziest thing is that she didn’t even know where she was.” Bob huffs out a breath and rubs his forehead. You seemed completely fine last night. And for some reason, he feels like he’s to blame. He didn’t stick around after to see if you were ok, or if you regretted any of it. God, he’s such a dick.

“Geez”, he breathes out.

“Yeah. Listen, just ignore my texts. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” Bob’s grateful she’s thinking the same as him. What happened with Emily last night really doesn’t take precedent right now. He’s just so glad you’re home.

“Ok, see ya tomorrow.” And with that he ends the phone call. His shoulders slump as he turns the handle on the shower, the water runs as his mind is clouded with thoughts of you. Worried ones mostly.

-----------------------

The water is as hot as it can go as you wash the morning from you. Dirt from your feet makes the water murky as it swirls down the drain, the sweat from your nightmare and all the running is washed away as you clean yourself.

Stepping out, you quickly change into a clean set of clothes. Something comfortable, because you have a feeling you’re not going anywhere else today. Most likely back to bed to overthink your entire existence again. Taking your hair out of the towel, you move to wipe the fog off of the mirror, but you pause at the first swipe. Dark circles hang underneath your eyes, frame the face you wish didn’t belong to you

You’re tired. Your body, your mind, are all tired. You’re tired of trying to hold in your tears, of trying to be angry in order to cover up the fact that you are actually very scared of becoming the woman that you see in the mirror. Someone with the capability to ruin other people's lives. Falling to the floor with a thud, you allow yourself to cry. You barely hear the knock coming from your bathroom door, but you wipe your nose on your sleeve, and reach up to unlock the door. 

Your dad is immediately on his knees in front of you as you reach out to him. His arms wrap around you securely as you sob harder into his shoulder.

“It’s ok sweetheart. I’m here”, he reassures you. “You’re ok. Just let it out.” You start to cry even harder at his words. You were so mean to him earlier, and why? Because you were mad at your mom? At yourself?

“I’m sorry”, you manage to speak through broken cries.

“Shh, hey. It’s ok. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I was just- so worried about you.” He rubs at the back of your head as you cry harder. He holds onto you a little tighter and you let him. It’s not suffocating or claustrophobic, it’s comforting. He’s somehow able to convey in his embrace that he’s not done fighting for you, that he’s sorry he ever let you down in the first place. “I got you”, he whispers as he kisses the top of your head.

-----------------------

You aren’t at work the next day. He should have expected it. After everything that happened he still hasn’t texted you. He wanted to reach out, but thought better of it. Knowing you, you might feel more embarrassed than anything if he brought attention to the fact that your dad called him. Even so, it feels… off. For the first time in weeks he doesn’t save a seat for you at lunch. And then out of the blue, as Phoenix sits down across from him, Rooster sets his lunch bag next to hers. He glances up with wide eyes as Rooster gives him a cordial smile

It’s quiet for a moment as the three of them dig into their food. As Bob reaches for a baby carrot, the table shakes. He moves to look up at Phoenix who is trying and failing to discreetly glare at Rooster. He can only assume the movement was her kicking him under the table. Rooster clears his throat, garnering Bob’s attention. He rubs his mouth before looking back at him.

“Listen, Bob, I’m really sorry about Saturday.” Oh this is where this is going.

“Oh, there’s no need to-”

“Yes”, Phoenix cuts in, “there is. Please continue, Rooster.” Rooster winces at her words, and ultimately turns back to Bob.

“Right. Um, turns out Emily thought she was being set up with me the entire time. Not you, which explains why- uh everything happened the way it did”, he chuckles awkwardly. “Anyway, so I’m sorry about that kind of wrecking your night.” Even though his glasses are sitting perfectly on his face, Bob pushes the bridge of his wire frames even further onto his nose as an excuse to distract himself from the awkwardness of this conversation.

“Listen, it’s fine. Really.”

“Bob”, Phoenix whines, “No it’s not. I’m sorry, too. Apparently I never even told her your name. Just that you were one of my friends, so she naturally assumed it was Rooster.” Emily was honestly the last thing on his mind since that night. It all seems so trivial since yesterday. He just wants to see you. Confirm with his own eyes that you’re alright. Right now it kind of feels like you fell off the face of the earth, even if he did see you two days ago. It was two days too long.

“Phoenix”, Bob levels, “It’s ok. I wasn’t putting too much pressure on anything working out anyway.” He starts to play with his food, kind of the same way you do whenever you’re uncomfortable. Just moving stuff around, never actually picking anything up to eat. He can’t help but have every thought wander back to you somehow. He wonders if you’ve maybe done the same thing about him, but he quickly rids himself of the thought. Why would you do that? Just because he overthinks and rethinks everything doesn’t mean you do, too.

Your hands are trembling as you open the car door and head into base. Not in a bad way. Not at all. You need to get in a jet. Need to feel some sort of control over anything in your life. In the air, that’s where you feel free. You have to be laser focused on what you are doing at all times, there is no voice in your head telling you to be better, or that you’re not good enough. If she had it her way you wouldn’t be there at all. The world of aviation is one where your mother’s voice is silent. She simply doesn’t exist. You’d like to keep it that way.

So yes, your hands are trembling. And you welcome it. It’s the incessant thumping of your heart against your rib cage as you get closer to the classroom that is bothering you. Bob. You haven’t seen or heard from him since Saturday. Since you kissed him. But this is a professional setting, one where under its rule you are not allowed to feel the way you do for him. Or him you, apparently. So, you’ll pretend for both your sakes that nothing happened. It’s the way it has to be. That way you can’t ruin his life. Can’t- won’t be like the one person you swear you would never end up like.

And then, right as you walk in the door, Bob’s eyes are on you. His cheeks pinken just the tiniest bit at the sight of you. But more than that, there’s a look of relief on his face. Before you can give him any kind of indication you notice him, his attention is being directed away by Fanboy. Deciding it’s best to let it slide, you walk past Nat on his other side, giving her a slight smile as she winks at you. And even though before the day even started you had decided to avoid looking at Bob, it is so damn hard as his profile sits right in front of you. Rooster’s still mandated to sit next to you, so his incessant breathing helps to distract you.

The rest of the day until lunch is entirely boring until you’re given your chance to get up in your jet. There’s the regular spiel from Maverick about which maneuvers you’re going to practice, and then there’s another storm warning. A so-called hurricane is supposed to sweep southern California over the weekend, so they’re trying to give everyone as much air-time as they can before it starts. Fine by you. You don’t even care that you’re paired with Hangman, that’s how badly you need to get back up there.

Settling into your seat, you take a deep breath in, and out. This is what you were made to do. There’s no other feeling quite like it in the world, and your hands tingle as you grab the yoke, just waiting for the all-go. The roar of the engine is so loud you can hardly hear your own thoughts. Just the way you like it. You twitch in anticipation before Hondo gives you the hand signal, waving you for take-off.

Before you know it, you’re back on the ground, and the next group is getting ready to go up. You stay close to your jet while Phoenix and Bob pass to get to theirs. You don’t notice his glance your way, but as you take a quick look he’s already climbing the ladder into his seat.

-----------------------

Bob isn’t exactly sure where the two of you stand at this moment. He knows that right now at work is not the best place to discuss any of it, but he also knows that he can’t go on pretending forever that Saturday night didn’t happen. And then there’s the fact that something happened on Sunday to set you off, so he decides he’ll just wait for you to approach him. He doesn’t want to add any more stress to your life, just glad you seem to be in better spirits. He still saves you a seat at lunch, but 10 minutes pass before he decides you’re not coming. Phoenix finally fills an empty seat across from him, and before he can ask where you are Fanboy takes the seat he is no longer saving for you.

“Ok”, Fanboy starts, “I’ve got all three Indiana Jones on blu-ray that I can bring over since those are the only ones that matter, you still ok to do it at your place?” Bob nods at the plans mindlessly, eyes staring down at his untouched plate of food.

“Yeah, sounds good.”

“You sure? Cause last time I was over your dog avoided me the whole time. She fucking hates, me dude.” Bob winces and holds back a small laugh.

“She doesn’t hate you. She’s just… shy.” He explains.

“It’s true”, Phoenix cuts in, “Although, the last time I saw her she finally let me pet her. It was amazing.” Bob smiles at her as he finally digs into his lunch. Sylvia had already taken a quicker liking to you than anyone else Bob has introduced her to. It’s kind of a shame she won’t be seeing you as often as he’d like anymore. And just as the thought of you pops into his head, he spots you walking over to another table. Damn it.

-----------------------

As much as you like talking to your dad, you absolutely despise having to go over what you missed yesterday. Which is why your lunch was cut approximately 15 minutes short today. He was nice enough to make lunches for the both of you today, so with your brown paper bag in hand, you make your way over to the mess-hall. You stop right after entering, trying to find an empty seat among the crowd. You spot Bob and your heart skips a beat. Fanboy is in your seat, and even though there’s an empty spot next to Phoenix, Payback sits down before you can move. It’s probably for the best. As much as it hurts, you need to stay as far away from Bob as possible. It’s the only way you know you can’t ruin his career. Or yours for that matter.

Taking in a deep breath, your eyes move to the corner of the room where the only empty seat remains. Great. Begrudgingly, you make your way over to the table and place your lunch before you as you sit. Rooster’s eyes widen as he slowly chews his bite of food at your action. He’s still staring at you as you open your bag. Rolling your eyes you finally decide to speak, “Don’t look so surprised.”

“Am I not supposed to be?”, he asks as he swallows his food. Exasperation crosses your face as you take a bite of your pb & j. You don’t even pay attention to him as you rip into your food, but you can still feel him watching you. “What?”, you ask with a mouth full of peanut butter.

“Nothing”, he shrugs as you raise your brow at him. He clears his throat before gingerly asking, “How are you feeling?” You squint your eyes and dust any crumbs from your hands before folding your arms across your chest.

“What is this? What are you doing?” He shrugs again.

“What? I can’t ask you how you are?”

“Why are you doing it though?”, you counter. He looks away as he mutters an explanation.

“I just- I want to see how you’re doing.”

“Really? Or do you just want to know if I’m going to blow up on you again? How about this: ask me how I’m feeling again and find out.” He guffaws at your cavalierness as you move back to eating. Although, he really shouldn’t be surprised anymore.

“Ok sheesh, Miss bossy”, he comments. He just really knows how to get on your nerves, first with Sunday, then with Emily, now this stupid nickname he used to call you when you were mad as a kid.

“Oh come on, with that little stunt you pulled with Emily you should be happy I haven’t ripped into you even more.”

“Listen, for your information I already apologized to Bob about that whole….”, he pauses to motion with his hands, “...ordeal. And Emily thought she was being set up with me so… I am not the one to blame here.”

“Oh yeah? And who is?”

“Ask Phoenix! The woman never even told her Bob’s name!”, he laughs as you give him a slight smile at the absurdness of the whole situation. It’s quiet for a beat as you ponder his explanation.

“She really didn’t tell her his name?”

“Not a damn letter. And the man only has three.” You breathe a small laugh at his comment as he shakes his head. And for a second the two of you sit there and smile, enjoying the playfulness you once shared as children. Which causes you to remember a nickname you haven’t heard in years that he uttered seconds ago.

“And by the way, it’s Lieutenant bossy now. Brad Brad.” He chuckles and shakes his head, the two of you coming to some sort of silent agreement. You feel like a kid again, in a good way this time. It almost makes you forget about the six foot WSO with the beaming blue eyes sitting tables behind you.

You somehow make it the whole day without a real interaction with Bob. You’ve caught fleeting glances of him, and he seems so… normal. Like nothing happened at all. It makes you nervous, even more so than usual. But, you keep telling yourself that it’s for the best. If the two of you ignore everything, life can go on. But there’s still the tiniest part of yourself that longs to know what he’s thinking. Wants to know him more than you do. Just another voice you have to try your best to shut off.

-----------------------

Bob can’t help but tap his foot as he waits for the day to start. If you weren’t going to say anything to him, he sure as hell wasn’t going to bring up anything to you. He checks the time on his watch. Five minutes before your usual start time, but you, Halo, and Phoenix aren’t here yet. He alternates looking at his watch, and glancing at the door as the room starts to fill in. It goes on for a couple more minutes until you finally enter. He’s nervous again. Overthinking every little thing, he averts his gaze before you get the chance to look at him. His boot is still hitting the floor even as you take your seat behind him.

“Floyd”, Hangman barks, “Leave the tapping to Fred Astaire, will ya?” Bob turns his head at his remark, giving him an embarrassed smile.

“Sorry”, he mutters before turning to your father at the front of the room. He spotted you out of the corner of his eye, about to say something to Hangman, but thinking better of it as Cyclone entered the room. You could almost hear everyone adjust in their seat to sit up straight as he made his way to the back of the room. After the dust settles and Maverick takes a second in between talking, Bob swears he can hear the quietest tapping of a pencil coming from your desk.

-----------------------

You’re not paired with Phoenix and Bob… again. Which you’re grateful for, you guess. But you also miss talking to your friends. Flying with them. It’s funny, really. You joined the Navy because you wanted to be like your dad, and you found aviation fascinating. And now, you’ve found your own community, your people. Even if it was one of the hardest things you’ve had to do, the first time you stepped foot in a jet you knew it was what you were meant to do.

You’re all back in the classroom after your first flights of the day, discussing once again what could have been done better. There’s all little tweaks Maverick suggests to everyone, not just you this time. And it feels good knowing you did a good job.

“All in all, great job everyone. Have a good lunch”, he excuses the group. You move to grab your stuff and head to the mess hall before your dad calls out for you. “Mantis, would you stay back for a second?” Nodding, you drop your stuff and take Phoenix’s seat in the front row as he rounds his podium.

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m doing good”, you nod, “Feeling good.” He chews on your words for a second before double checking.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah”, you laugh, kind of annoyed at the moment. But you understand where he’s coming from, “Flying’s been helping. A lot.”

“Good. That’s good.” He moves back behind his podium, shuffling a couple of pieces of paper before opening a file. “Cyclone”, he starts as you tense at the name, “has been talking to me. About you.”

“Am I in trouble?”, you ask out of reflex.

“No”, he reassures you. “Quite the opposite actually.” Hanging his head, he looks down at the papers before him. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think he was nervous. “He’s been keeping you in mind for something. Just wants to make sure you’re up for the challenge.”

“Another mission?”

“Looks like it”, his gaze is stern as he looks at the file, but as he looks back to you his eyes soften. “Are you going to be ok to do this?” With that look you know he’s not just asking as your Captain, he’s asking as your dad. Your eyes soften with his the slightest bit as you smirk.

“Always, old man.” He chuckles as you smile with him.

“Ok”, he shrugs, “Training for this one won’t start until this storm moves out. I’d expect an announcement from Cyclone sometime next week. Just keep doing what you’re doing.”

“Will do, Captain.”

Your hands are trembling again as you navigate the halls to find a vending machine since you forgot to pack your own lunch this morning. It’s a good sort of nerves that make their way through your system. The training for the last mission was brutal, but good. It kept your mind off of anything of real importance. That’s just what you need right now. A distraction. Which is where your mind is at right now as your brain fills itself with incessant thoughts of what you need to do to prepare as well as a bag of chips, but you’re hitting something and falling to the floor before you can process what’s happening. The sound of a handful of what looks to be peanuts roll on the floor, but you can still hear an, “Oof”, through it all.

Your eyes widen as you look over to the man sitting on the floor in front of you. His eyes mirror your own as the two of you share the longest moment together since this past weekend. Shaking your head, you move to stand as he does.

“I’m so sorry Bob”, you start as he dusts himself off, “I didn’t see you.”

“That’s alright”, he rushes out as he looks over his almost empty bag of peanuts. “I’m sorry I didn’t see you either.” He’s trying his best not to look at you as he starts to pick each individual peanut off the floor. You rush to help him and he still doesn’t look your way.

“You don’t need to do that”, he tells you as the two of you clean the floor.

“I do, it’s my fault”, your hand is already full as you find the nearest trash can to throw the ruined peanuts away. You spot the vending machine he must have just bought them from, tucked in its own little hallway. Before he can stop you, you’re already checking to see if you have enough change before locating their spot in the case. There they are, B4.

“What are you doing?”, Bob complains as he throws his handful and the bag away. You continue to reach in your pocket, not bothering to answer him as he already knows exactly what you’re doing. “Mantis, c’mon. It’s ok. You don’t need to do that.” He watches you bite at your lip as you put in the first two quarters until all you’re left with is a penny. It’s obvious you were going to buy something for yourself. But he’s also pretty sure that the penny in your hand is the same one he slipped you in Phoenix’s kitchen, and the flick of your eyes to his as you clench your fist around it confirms his suspicions.

He swallows as you press the buttons on the machine. The spiral whirls as you give yourself the confidence to speak. Not look at him. Just speak.

“Bob, can we- can we talk?”. The bag drops to the bottom of the machine with a large thump, almost triggering the laughing of Hangman and Coyote as they walk through the hall behind him. He turns as they walk, his eyes wide as he looks back at you.

“Here?”, he whispers.

“No”, you whisper back as you glance over his shoulder. You bend to grab the bag, and grip it tightly before holding it before him, “Later.” You determine for the two of you. He reaches out to the clear bag of peanuts, accepting your offer as you walk around him and into the mess-hall.

Bob’s palms start to sweat as he watches your retreating form. He rounds the corner expecting to see you sitting with Rooster again, but there you are. Sitting at your usual seat next to his vacant one. He stops in his tracks, surprised at your actions, but quickly moves back to the table. Phoenix shoves her own bag of chips your way as you accept with a gracious smile. Your ability to switch mindsets so quickly baffles him as he sits next to you with a smile. The same kind of one you return to him, the ones that don’t quite reach your eyes. He’s not gonna make it through this conversation.

-----------------------

Bob’s house has never been this daunting to look at. The white shingles are practically taunting you as you sit in your car. You don’t even know how long you’ve been sitting there, just delaying the inevitable. You immediately changed into some regular clothes after getting home, but sat on your bed for a good 45 minutes working up the courage to drive over here. And even then your car took a few minutes to get started. The voice in the back of your head told you it was a sign that you shouldn’t even bother coming over, but you knew that was an even worse idea than talking about what happened. Getting up the nerve, you vacate your car, and make it halfway up his driveway before a voice stops you in your tracks.

“Oh finally.”

“Rich, don’t be rude. She can probably hear us.” Turning your head, you find two men, probably ten or so years older than your dad, sitting on the front porch just to the right of Bob’s home. One’s got a mug of what you assume to be coffee in his hands, while the other nurses a glass of what looks to be wine. They’re both taken aback as you squint at them in the setting sun. “I’m so sorry about him, I told him to go light on the chardonnay, but…”, shrugging, he rolls his eyes at the other man.

“Oh, it’s ok”, you brush them off. Moving to take another step, his voice stops you again.

“It’s just, we were wondering why you were sitting there for so long”, the one you assume to be Rich pipes up. You suppose you were warned he hasn’t a filter this evening, but your eyes still widen the tiniest bit at his remark.

“Leave the poor girl alone.” Rich waves the other man off, turning back to you.

“We hardly see anyone coming or leaving that boy’s house, but we saw you leaving in a rush the other weekend and were just wondering-”

“We were not wondering anything, because we are not Bob’s nosey neighbors. Those are the ones on the other side of him, the Terrance’s.” You try your hardest to stifle a laugh as they continue to gossip.

“Oh do not get me started on the Terrance’s. ‘Oh Richard’”, he mocks, “‘It is against HOA policy to have a flag hanging in your window.’” You take a look around the well manicured neighborhood, taking note of flag poles proudly displaying the American Flag.

“But you can have a flagpole?” You ask.

“It’s not where it was that was the problem”, Rich responds, “She just did not want to see our beautiful rainbow among the red, white, and blue. That same red, white, and blue we served under, for her information!” The more level-headed one of the two reaches a hand out to Rich in an attempt to calm him. It pushes him further into his seat, and he takes a swig from his glass.

“Easy now, Miss-”, he turns to you as you’re taken out of your spectator seat in the conversation.

“Mitchell”, you reply. He smiles, and turns back to Rich who’s brow is set in a furrow.

“Miss Mitchell here probably has more important things to attend to with Bob”, he emphasizes, catching Rich’s attention,”Than sitting here listening to our quarrels with the neighbors.” As he moves his hand to motion over to Bob’s house, you take notice of the class ring on his finger, the ring that looks all too familiar to the one collecting dust in your closet.

“Do you?”, Rich asks, distracting you from the ring on the other man’s finger.

“Rich!”, he chides.

“I do- actually”, you shy away, remembering why you came over here in the first place. “But it was really nice meeting you-?”

“Oh how rude of me, I’m Harry, and this is my husband Rich”, he motions as Rich nods at you.

“Well, it was very nice meeting you Harry, and Rich”, you smile as you turn back toward the house. Taking a deep breath you move toward the front door. Clenching your fist in your hand, you raise it hoping it will knock on the door of its own volition, but you’re not sure if you’re ready. Screw it, you’re already kinda mad at him. He’s the one who left you and then ignored you at work! You never should have kissed him, even if you long to do it again and again.

“Do you think she’s gonna take longer on the porch than in the car?”, Rich asks in a poor attempt to whisper.

“No”, Harry gives in, “I think her arm will get tired by then.” Turning your head, Harry gives you a sad attempt at trying to look apologetic.

“I’m starting to think you’re just as bad as your husband!”, you shout from across the porch.

“I’m sorry!”, Harry shouts back, “This is the most exciting thing to happen to this neighborhood since Patty down the street got divorced!” You laugh through your nose, only turning back to the task at hand when the sound of the lock alerts you to Bob opening the door. You stare up at his ocean eyes as he blinks at the sight of you. Those same eyes flash in your mind from Saturday night, blinking rapidly before he-

“Hi”, he whispers. The raspiness of his voice catching you off guard.

“Hi”, you whisper back. His gaze moves to your still raised fist, and ever so slowly it moves back to your side. Without meaning to, your eyes fall to his pink lips and the feeling of his body against yours has you shaking the memory out of your head. 

“Can I come in?”, you gently ask.

“Of course”, he responds, quickly moving out of the way to let you in. You’d usually slip your shoes off at the door, and as much as you want to spend longer with Bob, you’re pretty sure this is going to have to be a swift conversation. Just ripping the band-aid off.

Bob leads you further into the house, and soon enough you spot the fluffy black and white tail you’ve come to know and love. He must see you smile at the sight of her, because before you’re able to do anything about it, Bob is calling her over. “Syl, your best friend is here”, he taunts. Her head rises to rest on the cushion, and once she catches your eye she’s trotting over as you bend to pet her.

“Oh hey you sweet girl”, you praise her as she rolls on her back. Once her dad takes a seat on the couch, she’s up to grab his attention instead. You follow behind her, and for the first time, you are uncomfortable in Bob Floyd’s presence. It’s not even his fault, it’s your own. You watch him smile at her, scratching behind her ears until his hand stalls.

“Why are you ignoring me at work?”, you start. Taking in a deep breath, he sighs as he fidgets with his fingers. God damn those hands.

“ I could ask you the same thing”, he retorts, “But if I’m being honest I didn’t want to cause you any more stress than you were already dealing with. I thought that maybe if you wanted to talk you would come to me.” Stress? What stress- unless.

“Wait a second, what do you mean what I’m dealing with?” He hesitates before answering, still not looking at you.

“Your dad called me on Sunday.”

“Oh Jesus Christ”, you relent, “I had one bad day, I am fine now. I just wasn’t sure how to talk to you about”, you motion between the two of you with one hand, “this.” Bob’s staring up at you from beneath his glasses, that same look of pity everyone always looks at you with once they know. “See”, you point at him, “Right there. That is why I don’t tell anyone anything.”

“What?”

“I don’t want you to pity me, or feel bad for me”, you huff.

“It’s not pity, Mantis. It’s worry. I worry about you”, he explains as your heart drops in your chest.

“If you really worry about me, then why did you leave me?”, you question. There’s the slightest tremble in your voice, one that most people wouldn’t pick up on. But Bob isn’t most people. He’s on his feet immediately at your words, slowly making his way over to you.

“I panicked. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to get you in trouble, I guess. And I just ran.” You feel for him deep down, your own panic had taken hold of you. It just didn’t present itself until you fell asleep.

“I’m sorry, too. For waiting this long to talk to you. And for kissing you.” His brows crinkle as he cocks his head.

“You’re sorry for kissing me?”

“I didn’t- I shouldn’t have done it.” Bob is quick to interject. He knew it. He knew it all along that you only kissed him because you felt bad for him.

“No, I shouldn’t have said anything. I never wanted to make you feel like you had to do anything you didn’t want to do.”

“Bob, I never said I didn’t want to do it. I just- I shouldn’t have acted on my feelings. I cannot stand to ruin your career, your life. I can’t.” His breathing just about stops, but he uses any oxygen he has left to swiftly correct you.

“How would you ruin it? I mean- you’ve already made it so much better.”

“Bob”, you sigh, “I will not let you give up your career. Or mine for that matter, over stupid feelings.”

“So my feelings are stupid?”, you glance back up at him as he furrows his brow at your insinuation.

“No! That’s not what I meant. Mine are.” You’re starting to wring your hands, it’s obvious you’re not getting your point across as eloquently as you would like.

“Well, what are your feelings? I told you how I felt, you never returned the favor.”

“Probably because you were already gone before I had the chance to say anything!” You argue. He frowns at your words, knowing it was a bad move on his part. “And it doesn’t even matter, Bob. It can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because I can’t ruin you! I can’t be selfish!”, you finally yell. He’s taken aback as you breathe heavily in front of him. It doesn’t even matter what he thinks, you look like you’re on the verge of another panic attack, so as slow as he can he walks up to your heaving form. He ever so slowly reaches out to your shoulders, and with a nod from you, he wraps you in his strong arms. You’re quick to wrap your own around him. His embrace is so warm, like finally being wrapped in a blanket after being out in the freezing cold for so long, only this time you know the cold is just waiting outside his front door to encase you once you leave. But you let yourself hug him, for the sake of getting to do it one last time.

“I can’t do that to you, Bob”, you whisper into his shoulder. He takes a step back and your arms fall from each other. He moves to push a piece of loose hair behind your ear absentmindedly as his thumb caresses the apple of your cheek. “We can’t give each other what we want.”

“You haven’t even told me what you want”, his deep voice whispers as he gazes at your face, almost as if trying to memorize every inch and freckle.

“You already know”, his eyes flick back between yours at your whispered words. Your faces are already so close to each other. All it would take was a simple push from either one of you to be kissing again. You exhale a shaky breath, and before either of you can do anything, Bob’s jumping away from you again at the sound of the doorbell. Sylvia is retreating up the stairs at the noise, and Bob realizes who it is.

“Shit”, he curses under his breath.

“Who is it?” Bob stands there staring at you, wincing as Fanboy’s voice carries from the hall to the living room.

“I hope you don’t mind man, the door was open. And I brought pizza!”, lo and behold Fanboy is walking into the living room a little surprised to see you there as you give him the fakest smile you can muster. “Hey Mantis, are you here for movie night?”

“Of course! Why else would I be here?”, you grit through your teeth as you turn to Bob. He’s avoiding your gaze as he takes a dvd from Fanboy to get it all set up.

-----------------------

So here you are. Sitting on one end of Bob’s couch while he is on the other, Fanboy sitting in between the two of you. Completely clueless. He takes his third slice of pizza from its place on the coffee table, then leans back into the couch as if he doesn’t have a care in the world. You’ve been sitting watching Raiders of the Lost Ark long enough that Indy and Marion have made their initial escape, and are now sailing away, comfortable as she starts kissing him better. From the corner of your eye, you spot Bob shifting slightly in his seat as you do the same. Fanboy is perfectly content, sitting against the cushions as the two of you think about the other night. And what was about to happen before he showed up.

Your eyes are taken off the screen as a shrill ringing comes from Mickey’s pocket.

“Sorry”, he mutters as he takes it out. “Oh shit, it’s my mom.” He stands as he moves to the front door, yelling on his way out, “Pause it for me, will ya?” Bob does as he asks and the two of you don’t make any motion to move. He stares at the frozen screen, of Indy and Marion being so intimately close together before he speaks.

“Would you do it again?” You look over to him as he stares ahead, and then back to the screen.

“Bob”, you shake your head, “We can’t, you know the rules-”

“I didn’t ask if you could. I asked if you would. If you would want to.” You’re left staring at Bob with a blank face as he takes a deep breath in, anticipating your answer. His jaw clenches as you give the slightest nod of your head. You can’t lie to Bob. Along with the feeling of safety he encases you in every time you’re with him, the fact remains you can’t lie to him, and that scares the absolute hell out of you.

“Would you?”, you whisper, unconsciously glancing at his lips. His eyelids flutter at your movement and he swallows.

“Yes”, it comes out more as a breath than an actual response, but you understand it nonetheless. You look away from him, the weight of his gaze knowing you both want the same thing too much for you to handle. The hand that was fiddling with the rip in your jeans moves to settle where Fanboy once sat. You can see it out of the corner of your eye as Bob slowly moves to rest his hand next to yours, almost as if he’s scared you’ll move away if he gets any closer. His hand only rests next to yours until he reaches his pinkie out to sit right against yours, testing the waters. You ignore this altogether, reaching your hand to clasp over his, squeezing as he squeezes back just as softly. It has been too long since the two of you held hands, and you couldn’t go one more minute without the feeling of his large hand encasing yours.

Turning his head, the two of you watch your hands as he rubs his thumb over the back of yours. You look towards him completely and chew your lip as he brings his gaze back to your face. And like the two of you are magnets, completely attracting one to the other, you slowly move your faces closer and closer. You can feel his breath on your face, your hand still over his as he squeezes it tighter until-  the sound of Mickey slamming the front door closed jolts the two of you back to your ends of the couch. Your heart is beating out of your chest as you stare straight ahead at the tv, it’s gone black now from being paused for too long as you try to focus on the bouncing logo. Saved by the damn bell, you guess.

Mickey slumps back into the couch with a quick apology and the movie starts back up. Almost as soon as he sits down, you’re on your feet. Met with two pairs of wide eyes, you give a brief smile to Mickey.

“I have to go home”, you rush out with an apologetic smile.

“What?”, Mickey asks, “The movie’s not even over yet.”

“I know, but my dad’s waiting for me. You know how it is”, you attempt to excuse yourself.

“No I don’t actually, because I’m not in High School anymore and I don’t have a curfew”, he laughs. Your dad didn’t technically have a curfew for you, but after your little walk on Sunday, he did tell you he’d like to be in bed by a certain time. And he was most definitely going to wait up until you got home. Shrugging, you make your way around the back of the couch until Bob shoots up out of his seat.

“I’ll walk you to your car”, he urges. He follows you to the front porch, and softly closes the door behind you. The sun has long set by now and the only thing you can hear is crickets chirping. You can’t help but find the parallel to the last time you were outside on a night like this… with Bob. Only this time, you’re sure you are going to go home knowing that Bob can only be your friend, your teammate. He stops short of his lawn as you turn around.

“I’ll see you tomorrow at work?”, you ask with a sad smile. He gives you the same one back, the good old courtesy ones you were so sure you were done seeing him give to you. He nods as you move to walk to your car, but the feeling of his large hand encasing your fingers and slightly tugging has you spinning back around and into his chest. While still holding your hand, his other moves up to your face, his calloused thumb rubbing back and forth over your cheek.

“Tell me to stop and I will. I’ll let you go and I won’t ever do this again.” His blue eyes bore into yours as your heart picks up speed. And you know you shouldn’t, but right now you just can’t care to give a damn.

“Don’t you dare”, you whisper. His lips are on yours immediately as your hands tingle, moving to touch him wherever you can. He hums in surprise as your hand moves up to run through his hair. With one hand still on your face, the other slides from your hand to your waist as he pulls you closer against him. Your lips are moving so fast against each other, it’s hard to discern who deepens it, but you don’t really care as his tongue slides against your own. He’s kissing you like a man starved, and you know you’re just as hungry for him as you pull him against yourself.

It’s almost a mirror of the other night as you start walking backward, hitting the passenger side door of his truck this time. You can’t help but whine into his mouth as his hand slides to the side of your neck, just the feeling of his hand on your bare skin is enough to have you seeing stars. With your free hand, you run your fingers through the belt loops of his jeans, pulling him impossibly closer to you. With an “oomph”, he allows himself to press his body completely against your own. The pressure sends a tingle down your spine, and you’re quite positive that if he wasn’t holding you up, you’d be melting into a puddle at the feeling.

Reflexively, your hips move forwards to meet his as he sighs against your mouth. Allowing himself to take a miniscule break, resting his forehead against your own.

“Please”, he pleads as his lips graze yours. And even though the kiss is just about over, you know what he’s asking. “Just- just one more”, and who are you to not give into the pleadings of a man who wants exactly what you do? This is not what you came over here to do, but you kiss him with fervor anyway, as his spit-slicked lips meet your own once again. 

If you weren’t so distracted with the passion fueled meeting of your lips, you’d almost think his belt buckle was hitting your pelvis. But you know for a fact as your fingers tighten in his belt loops that he’s not wearing a belt. And that’s how you know this is affecting him just as much as it is you. Oh god.

Almost as if he knows what you’re thinking, and just how turned on you are, he moves so his thigh is slotted in between your own. He must feel you clench your thighs around his muscled one. And the pressure just feels so good, causing you to whine one last time against his mouth before separating and resting your forehead against his chest. As much as you want to keep going, you know you need to end it before you go too far. Or before you get arrested for public indecency. Then again, you’ve already gone much farther than you should have with Bob.

“You ok?”, he breathes as he rubs at your neck, a hint of his southern twang peaking out with the ask. You’re still breathing heavily, but Bob feels you nod against him.

“Uh huh”, you muster before you look up at him. Clearing your throat, the two of you don’t break eye contact until you look to his pink lips, swollen thanks to you. You rub any remainder of yourself off of his mouth with your thumb before looking back into his wide-eyed blues. Your hand lingering on his face. “I’ll um- see you at work tomorrow?”

Bob can only nod, knowing full well that this was a goodbye of some sorts. Not as friends, not as teammates, but as whatever could have been. You would be remiss if you didn’t take advantage of this opportunity, so you do. With the gentlest touch of your lips against his, a stark contrast to what you were doing seconds ago, you drop your hand from the slight stubble of his jaw.

“I’ll see you tomorrow”, he whispers. You nod at him this time, deciding to not give him a smile you both know is fake. Slipping out of his arms, his hand lingers on your arm as you walk toward your car, until your fingers fall from his. He watches as you go, and takes a moment to stare up at the night sky with his hands on his hips.

That was a little more hot and heavy than he thought it was going to be, so he takes a moment to collect himself before walking back inside and pretending absolutely nothing happened. Taking his glasses off with one hand, he runs a hand over his face with the other. He forces himself to think of anything but you, baseball stats, mowing the lawn, picking up after Sylvia. That seems to help cool him down as he darts back up to the front door.

“What I wouldn’t give to be kissed like that.” Bob’s head whips over to his right, and takes note of Harry sitting on his front porch, taking a sip from his cup of coffee, sudoku puzzle to his side.

“Oh God”, Bob mumbles as he turns back to his house, not bothering to say anything else to the man.

-----------------------

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[lovelytsunoda]

the end of an era (and the start of a new one) (iv) // platonic! mercedes amg

summary: toto gives y/n the final verdict on her future with mercedes amg, and the results are better than she ever could have imagined.

pairing: platonic! mercedes amg petronas x female reader

warnings: this is actually the first installment of the series that doesn’t have any wow look at that-

author's note: here's a quick little chapter checking up on baby merc! this may seem like the end, but i promise it's not. im going to try my hardest to continue baby merc's story <3

the bowling alley was loud, and y/n had already broken a nail twice.

not that she minded, because for all she knew, this could be the last team outing that she was ever invited on. her field placement was coming to a close, and toto had never given her a final answer on where she was going next.

or if she was going anywhere at all. in a perfect world, she'd be staying with these people that she now called family. in the real world, life wasn't that simple.

but she could hope.

"george, you slimy cheating bastard!" she laughed, watching the briton score another strike. "come on, there's no way you're winning with that strong a lead."

"read it and weep, baby merc!" george laughed, taking a dramatic bow.

bowling had been lewis' idea. typically, taking the team bowling was something he did in japan. but with all the people leaving mercedes at the end of this season, he wanted to make sure they all got to be included in the team bonding ritual.

"every day you surprise me more and more." peter bonnington chuckled. "y/n, it's your go!"

"how am i supposed to match up to mr. posh spice over there?" she laughed, pointing at george before walking over to the ball machine. "i sacrificed a wonderful home manicure for this."

she bowled, taking half the pins out in one go, and all but two in the second. bowling had never been her strong suit, and normally she would have complained. but she found that her friendship with the team had grown and fostered so much that they could make even cleaning a bathroom a more enjoyable task.

she'd be really upset if she needed to let them go, that's for sure.

games finished (george had won, of course), the team sat around a big metal table (she felt like a character in a john hughes movie, but without the romantic interest. olli had texted her a few times since the holiday party, but she had continued to shoot him down), baskets of french fries, chicken tenders and a large salad for lewis in front of them.

it was bittersweet, with so many people leaving the team, and toto was the first to say so when he got up to give a speech.

"it's been a long season. the car was shit, but we made it work. we're also losing some valued members of this team. angela. nyck. james. you will forever be remembered, and know that you always have a home at mercedes if you want it."

the table started clapping as toto finished. y/n was going to miss nyck, but he'd still be around. just at a different team. she'd miss angela, but the physiotherapist would always be one phone call away if she needed her.

the three in question sat on one side of the table, teary eyed and grateful for the send-off.

"additionally, we have some new faces joining us for 2023 that i am very excited for you to meet." toto grinned. "i'd like to welcome our new reserve driver, mick schumacher."

next to y/n, mick blushed, trying to hide as the table cheererd for him, a tina turner song playing over the stereo as y/n laughed, pulling him in for a side hug.

"and, this comes as no surprise to any of us, on behalf of the mercedes amg petronas f1 team, i would like to formally offer our new intern, y/n y/l/n a permanent spot on the team for the 2023 and 2024 seasons. if you'll have us."

if the cheers for mick were loud, the cheers for y/n were louder. she was frozen, halfway to tears before she snapped out of it, lewis' hand on her shoulder as he congratulated her.

"we knew you could do it."

"thanks, lew." she beamed, giving the world champion a proper hug. "i love you guys. tahnks for letting me stay."

"don't thank us." nyck laughed. "thank toto. he's the one who made the final decision. but it was a no-brainer. you were going to stay anyways."

getting out of her chair, y/n crossed the table to throw her arms around toto wolff. the man was shocked at first, but eased into it, wrapping the younger girl in his arms.

"thank you, toto."

"welcome to the family, y/n." toto laughed. "we're lucky to have you."

and that's when she knew she found it. the family that she had always been looking for.

and she knew that she was going to be okay. for real, this time.

because true family are the friends that you make along the way.

[anonymousgayrobot]

I ANALYZED HAVIK AND RAIN’S INTERACTIONS‼️ ITS REALLY FUCKING LONG FOR SUCH A SMALL POINT TO PROVE BUT!!! YEAH. the ghost of matpat possessed me this is all just speculation, educated guesses and wishful thinking, please don’t kill me with hammers if you disagree with me!!!!! im just a little guy and my literal personal thinking holds no real genuine weight or significance compared to what the actual studio is actually up to or planning

TL;DR: i figured out that rain was not forced into destroying Seido and actually hung around with havik for a period of time before the flood actually occurred— disproving the common belief that rain was forced into destryoing seido on a quick whim of his. if you want the evidence on why, its all throughout the post

for something as major as destroying seido into chaosrealm, I really wish the game went more into detail on how all these events came together in motion. So I’m going to read way too far into the lines we were given to try and make sense of!!!! Something!!!!!!!!!!

SO TO BEGIN

his desperation is an important detail to consider, but not in a typical way. I should also note that havik’s tone changes when describing him as ‘different’, no idea what that could mean but the difference in tone was def noticeable to me personally. BUT I think his desperation is an interesting detail to combine with everything else —>

ONLY TOPPLE WAS MENTIONED, topple can mean many different things when it comes to government, BUT TOPPLE DOESN’T ALWAYS (it still can, but not always) EQUATE TO TOTAL PHYSICAL ANNIHILATION RIGHT THEN AND THERE (another common belief is that the cinematic events all occurred immediately that same day or so)

and going off from that previous tower line, RAIN ADMITS TO BEING A BELIEVER AFTERWARDS (intro lines are post endings). A TRUE BELIEVER. the tower ending goes straight to his flood and his regrets, excluding this part!! I think there was some time skipped in between in order to even convince Rain to FUCKING DESTROY AN ENTIRE CIVILIZATION?? WHICH USUALLY REQUIRES A LOT?? this clearly wasn’t a simple exchange of slaughter for refuge either because that is a huuuuuge jump between morals— especially for a guy who regretted it BAD and instantly too

this one is definitely a stretch on my behalf and definitely more speculative. seeing as havik just achieved his highest goal of DESTROYING SEIDO, if this was a quick and normal exchange,, why would he care this much that rain regretted his actions + turned himself in? It’s not like rain snitched and sold out havik (for all we know). if there was no actual investment on havik’s side, then why be brought to threats if he’d already got everything he wanted and fought for even if his ideals were also betrayed? hatred caused by the betrayal of someone’s ideals is very reasonable in this scenario, hence me admitting this one is far fetched on my end.

so their futures were once heading down the same path, as implied through the rejection of that concept. the revelation post-flood prompted that break. that will add onto this next part.

SO TO CONNECT ALL THESE DOTS…

rain’s decision to flood seido was definitely not out of an egging desperation! because the ending cinematic only shows rain joining havik and rain leaving as an immediate order of events, its all left at surface level. MEANWHILE the intro lines tell of something happening in between!!!!! its proven by rain admitting to actually believing in havik once. to even be mistaken as a ‘true believer’ of something, thatll obviously take some time (AND ACTIONS) to develop. and taking from their ‘paths crossing’ line, rain’s evidence of being a true believer fits into that concept perfectly. at surface level, it merely sounds like its only referencing rain’s regret + return to the empress for atonement. BUTTTT by knowing time was taken for him to believe full heartedly in his actions, more depth is added and further proves that rain had planned for a different future than the shock of the aftermath. HE WAS CONVINCED. so this wasn’t a hasty, one and done decision becauseee that belief was only ever shattered AFTER the flood, implying he believed in everything he was doing in that moment and prior. ALSO returning back to the very beginning, Rain doesn’t approach Havik with any surefire belief; he only wants safe haven while solely agreeing to help as a means of exchange. why do I say that there was no initial attachment to the cause? HES ONLY DESCRIBED AS DESPERATE FOR HELP!!! so how does rain go from agreeing to help out of desperation, into becoming a believer with full confidence in his actions?? TIME, BABY. that’s the only way I see how. these two mfs had to have been in cahoots for a good minute to even get to that point.

thats it guys thats the post. cahoots

[ciaran]

"do you think people are so simple, so easily understood—while you yourself are above it all, the sole experiencer of complexity and contradiction?" tbh that's often an idea that i fight off, but when i complain about not being understood by other people, they try to stroke my ego saying that i'm just smarter and superior and it bothers me. i don't want to be smarter than everyone else, i learnt so much just so i could communicate better and now i don't even have that. i just don't know how to make it possible to be understood.

i was also told that i was smarter and better than other people and that they would never understand me and i hated that. like i want to be known, i want to communicate, i dont want to be an island. i think what helped me personally was giving up on the idea that there is going to be some perfect magical knowing that opens me surgically and instantly lays us bare to each other. and to treat even superficial, ordinary conversations as though they are real connections. the eye contact i make w a woman at work when i refuse to play along w a weird joke on her behalf is Also connection. and i think like, most people are not going to Know me. they arent going to see me deeply or find me interesting or be able to understand what im trying to say. but one thing is...im willing to iterate. im willing to say the same things over and over in different ways until a way of saying it clicks, or until it sinks in...ive waited years for my mom to understand what my brain is like and she still doesnt get it but ive come a long way since what was when i was a teenager. i repeat myself a lot, i repeat myself to a lot of people, i find old ways of saying things and new ones. and these...processes of trying to be understood by others should not be a diminishing or a culling of the self to only that which is intelligible to an audience, hopefully, but there is a method to finding...common ground. and the way to find common ground is to listen to people closely, to listen to what they say and how they say it, and to find those threads...im not saying i find it easy. but when you look at what youve experienced, your feelings...the range of human emotion is not infinite. we all know shame, listlessness, terror, lust, the loneliness of being on the outside of something, the hurt of not being heard. don't look for people to have felt things in the same way, shape, or intensity as you. look for ways to say, when you catch these notes, "i know what that feels like, even though it was different for me - i know what you mean." what does being understood mean to you? does it mean that you talk and someone Gets you? or does it mean that...you look for what is inside you in the world around like piecing together a puzzle? listening to others, not because you are their therapist or anything of the sort, but because in the story they tell you might find some trace of yourself? all human connection should be selfish because unselfish connection is worse, its charity. if you have friends, i hope you are their friend for your sake as much or more than their sake. and if you listen to people closely, i hope you do it because you're looking for that point from which you start building connection and understanding. and sometimes people have to be taught to understand you, but often they want to learn, if you have a way of teaching it. you must imagine people as eager too, and lonely, and in need of being seen. you must imagine that someone out there feels what you do and the only way to find them is to talk to people.

[agonyaster]

mm more depot agent fanfic inspired by the lovely @pigdemonart’s work. one day im gonna write something for all of them i love em too much

ao3 link

…

“Gooood morning everyone!” Emmet greets, waltzing into the meeting room five minutes late like nothing’s wrong.

Isadore resists the urge to grind his teeth as his boss sinks down into the chair next to his brother at the head of the table, setting down a cup of coffee for his twin. Ingo doesn’t even respond, hand propping up his head as he snores genty. There’s a sticky note with a frowny face doodled on it stuck to his forehead, and Isadore would bet his entire paycheck that Jackie put it there.

Emmet peels the sticky note off and snaps his fingers under his brother’s nose until he startles awake. He blinks blearily, and after spending a few moments in and out of consciousness, Ingo reaches for the coffee in front of him.

Someone stands and clears their throat, smiling politely at the employees gathered. Isadore recognizes them— Bailey from one of the managerial departments. Good work ethic. Low confidence. Lactose intolerant. 

“Well, uhm, now that we’re all here, I do have a few things to say on behalf of the pokémon managerial department before we get started.” They cast a glance towards the bosses. “If that’s alright with you two?”

They give a matching set of thumbs ups.

“Perfect! Okay, as I’m sure some of you know already, checkups for some of the pokémon managed by the station have just wrapped up. Things went really well, but one of our Manectric isn’t permitted to keep battling for health reasons.” Their hands fidget with the cuffs of their shirt. “We’ve already started training an Electrike to take her place and he’s just gotten cleared by the vet, so we’re full steam ahead!”

The twins snicker at that. Furze downright cackles.

“But since Manectric is retiring, she can’t really stay with the station.” From the corner of his eye, Isadore watches as Furze starts to draw a train on Ingo’s discarded sticky note. “So like we do with all other retiring pokémon, we just wanted to put a word out there that if anyone’s interested in taking her in to let us know!”

Bailey clears their throat awkwardly. “No pressure, of course! Miss Indira’s got connections and nice places for her to stay but… you know. Like to keep it local, if we can.

“Caroline’s planning to send out an email with details and everything but, uhm, we’d really appreciate it if you could get the word out to your departments. Our announcements always end up in spam folders and no one’s gotten around to fixing it yet.”

A few moments of silence pass.

“Thanks for listening, I guess I’ll just hand it off to you guys.” Bailey sinks back down into their chair and the twins pop up like a two-headed jack in the box.

The rest of the meeting goes… fine. As well as it can go with such inefficient people at the helm. Furze filled up the entire sticky note— back and front— after five minutes, and had moved onto the backs of his hands.

His shift was tolerable, a few challengers, but none that made it past the bosses. When Cameron came in and heard about the Manectric he started to cry, which was incredibly foolish. Cameron didn’t even use any of the station’s Manectric.

When he clocks out for the night, his eyes linger on the flier someone’s posted in the break room about the whole Manectric situation. When he gets home, all Isadore can think about is the grayed-out icon of Manectric on the storage system.

That night, he dreams of fur sharp as needles and affectionate nuzzles that left his hand numb.

He wakes up early the next morning and begrudgingly fills out the paperwork. It’s better not to fight it. Having to leave for work even earlier than normal is an unwelcome change to his schedule, but it’s tolerable.

“Isadore! It’s great to see you!” Kasey, accounting. Myopic. Bad temper. Youngest of four siblings. “What brings you down here?”

“I need to meet with Caroline.”

“You pass her office so much on your way down to HR, I’m sure you already know the way.”

He ignores the comment and makes his way down the hallway, stopping in front of Caroline’s door and knocking sharply. There’s a muffled sound of movement on the other side, and then someone opens the door.

“Hey there! What can I help you with?” Caroline smiles brightly and waves him in. 

Isadore doesn’t bother to sit down. “I’m here to talk about the Manectric. I’m interested in taking her in.”

“Oh! Perfect!” She settles down at her desk and starts rummaging through the drawers of her desk. “There’s a few forms I’m gonna have you fill out but-”

“There’s no need for that.” He sets the completed paperwork down on the desk, and she stares at it with wide eyes.

Caroline reaches out and flips through it, scanning the pages. “Well, you just made my job a whole lot easier.” She drums her fingers on her desk. “It’ll take a few days to go through processing and background checks— it’s policy, as I’m sure you know. But I’ll be sure to contact you once everything is cleared, of course.”

“Thank you. Have a nice day.”

The next time Isadore sees Caroline, she’s grinning from ear to ear and waving a fistful of papers above her head. It doesn’t take long to sign the last form and officially transfer ownership, so he goes home with Manectric’s pokéball tucked into his pocket. 

Night one is uneventful; she spends the first half hour wandering around the apartment, smelling everything he owns. Then, after scarfing down dinner, she proceeds to make a beeline for the bathroom and hops into the tub, settling down for a nap.

The next morning, she doesn’t want to do much after having breakfast, so Isadore leaves for work without much worry. He should have worried. 

Isadore comes home to an apartment covered in stuffing. Manectric barks at him in greeting, fluff hanging out the corner of her mouth, and goes back to ripping at the couch cushion.

He bends down, screams into one of his (decimated) pillows, composes himself, and starts to pick up the mess. 

She’s still bouncing off the walls once he’s finished, and after a walk in which she almost dislocates his shoulder, Isadore’s setting up a baby gate in the kitchen and feeling thoroughly ridiculous.

Turns out, Manectric are very adept at jumping. He learns that when he comes home to Manectric in the middle of the living room and a toasted bedspread. Dragons, he should’ve removed Overheat from her moveset as soon as she came home.

But it’s fine, things are fine. He replaces her more dangerous moves with things like Protect and Thunder Wave before she can take down the power in the whole complex with a Volt Switch, accepts that the bedspread is a lost cause and throws it out, and goes for a walk even longer than the one last night. His shoulder aches, but it’s a small price to pay.

The next morning, Isadore tries his best to shove down his anxiety when he leaves for work. He’s grateful that the trashcan is tucked away into a drawer— he doesn’t think he could stomach having to clean a mess like that up. 

A voice in the back of his head that sounds like his inay tells him to just leave Manectric in her pokéball. It’s tempting, but something stops him. It just wouldn’t be fair to leave a pokémon who’s used to battling every day stuck in her pokéball all day.

Isadore spends all of his lunch break reading articles on how to fix these behavioral problems. Every one of them advises battling to get rid of excess energy but she can’t and Jackie makes fun of him for being on his phone and he comes back home to his books all over the floor some of them in multiple pieces—

It’s fine. He’s fine. He’ll make it through this. He didn’t even like Huckleberry Finn that much and this is just an excuse to throw it out without feeling bad. There’s already an HR complaint stewing in the back of his head that he can submit later to get back at Jackie. 

Tossing a tennis ball down the hallway, he deliberates on how to handle the whole… situation. Living like this isn’t an option— he won’t have an apartment to come back to at this rate and putting Manectric in her pokéball nearly every day would be cruel.

Manectric trots back over, tennis ball in her mouth, and Isadore’s struck with a thought. It isn’t an idea he particularly likes, but it’s the only option he has.

So the next day at work, he stakes out the break room until Ramses comes in for his morning coffee. When he finally does, Isadore descends upon him.

“Isadore! How have you been?” he greets with a tip of the hat, grabbing a cup from one of the cabinets.

“There’s no need for that.” He pushes a cup into Ramses’ hands. “You took in a station Manectric four years ago.”

“Er, yes I did.”

“I was just wondering, did you have any behavioral issues with them?”

Ramses hums. “A few, yeah. Had to get a whole new set of throw pillows because of him.” He chuckles. “Not that I’m exactly complaining— they look great!”

“I see.”

“Why do you ask?” His eyes sparkle with intrigue. “Wait, did you take in the one that just got retired?”

“I did,” Ramses grins at his words, “and she’s presenting me with a few… unique challenges.”

“You should’ve just said so! It’s a lot harder for pokémon so used to battling to adapt to domestic life than you think it is.” Ramses clicks his tongue. “We were lucky enough to already have a Quagsire that helped him get out excess electricity but he was still as wild as a Zorua in a Torchic coop!”

“Ah…” It’s not looking too good for the few survivors of Manectric’s first pillow mauling. Perhaps he should prepare a funeral.

“You know, why don’t we get the two together? There’s a nice park not too far away, and it’ll be good for them to get out, he can teach her how not to be so wild.”

Immediately, there’s guilt. “You really don’t have to do that, Ramses.”

“Nonsense! How does tomorrow morning sound?”

“It sounds just fine.” He coughs. “Thank you, by the way.”

“Oh, don’t mention it.” Something crackles over the radio and Ramses is off to go face a challenger, coffee still in hand.

Saturday comes faster than he’s prepared for. It’s probably because only the toilet paper was lost in Manectric’s latest attack against everything he owns. 

Ramses arrives a few minutes after he does, and while it is a little weird to see him without a hat, Isadore gets over it. Their Manectric greet each other with a few barks, copious amounts of tail wagging and sniffing, but they finish before too long.

They set off through the park and Isadore’s Manectric is weaving every which way, stopping to sniff every bush they pass and sending volts of electricity spiraling towards any Pidove that lands on the path. Ramses’ isn’t so happy about this, howling at the younger Manectric and nipping at her heels.

“Are they supposed to be doing that?” Isadore asks, trying not to let the worry taint his voice too much.

They’ve come to a stop in one of the grassier areas and the Manectric have taken this as a sign to start wrestling with each other. Sparks are flying and tails are getting pulled and he’s starting to get a little concerned. 

Ramses waves his hand dismissively. “Won’t worry, they’re just saying hi. It’s been awhile, but they did know one another back at the station. Plus, she’s getting some energy out! This is good.”

“She isn’t supposed to be battling-”

“Just because she shouldn't battle doesn't mean she shouldn't get physical exercise. It's like a walk just with more… teeth.” Ramses chortles. “At least I hope this has more teeth involved than your normal walks.”

“It does.”

“Good, good…” Ramses watches them wrestle for a few moments. “So, is there a reason why Manectric tickled your fancy? There haven’t been many retirees lately but you haven’t shown any interest in any of them.”

Isadore pauses. “Not particularly. When I was growing up, my inay— er, my mother— kept a Jolteon. Maybe that's part of it.”

“Oh, I believe it. There’s just something about being raised alongside a certain type of pokémon that inclines you to em.” Ramses hums to himself. “Maybe that’s why the twins like their bug types so much…”

“Pardon?”

“Oh, their mom had a Beautifly. She passed some years back, but memories like those stay with a kid.”

“How do you know their mother?”

Ramses stares at him in confusion for a few moments before realization dawns on his face. “I always forget, you’re just a little bit too young to have known Sonny!”

“Who?”

“The twins’ dad. Worked at the station for a long time— was one of the first people I met there. He and Ella are retired up in Anville nowadays. I should really go visit…”

“How old are you, exactly?”

Ramses snorts. “That is a secret.”

The rest of their little outing goes surprisingly well. They part ways at the entrance to the park and Manectric trots at his side the whole trip back, only breaking away to chase a Pidove once.

She’s… calm, when they get back home. Rests her head on his lap when Isadore settles down with a book and some tea. They go for another walk and she doesn’t try to rip his arm out.

That night, she falls asleep in the hallway instead of the tub. Isadore finds this out when he walks out of his bedroom and is immediately hit with enough static from the carpet to make his hair stand on end. 

He sees Ramses at work that day, and the old man smiles and waves, just like he does with any other coworker. In fact, he doesn’t bring it up until they’re leaving work on Friday.

“Will I be seeing you tomorrow?”

“...Yes. Yes you will.”

They meet up at the entrance of the park, just like they did last week. As they make their way through the park, Ramses just… talks. About anything, about everything. And he doesn’t even expect him to say anything back, so they just walk and he talks and Isadore listens to how brunch with Cloud and her wife went, or how Isaac scared their Quagsire with a Sliggoo watering can the other day, or how his goddaughter would be coming to visit in the next few months. 

The weather starts to turn. There’s a coffee cart in the park that recognizes them and starts to give them free scones. Isadore forgets his scarf one day and Ramses marches all the way back to his apartment to give him one. It’s a very nice scarf, warm and hand-knitted and a very pleasing shade of blue, but Isadore’s not too sure he was worth all the rush.

That was the day he met Isaac, who was enjoying an espresso when Ramses came barging in. He was a perfectly pleasant man, but his Quagsire spent the better half of their conversation trying to eat Isadore’s watch. 

Floette came bobbing out of the house alongside Ramses and started to pick flowers as soon as she laid eyes on Isadore. She places a ring of flowers atop his head and floats back towards the door, extremely annoyed when she realizes it’s been closed already.

He feels a little foolish walking around like that all day, but it would be rude to take it off. So the flower crown stays.

It doesn’t end up wilting, even with the weather it had to endure, so Isadore keeps it on a shelf in the living room. 

He does end up meeting Ramses’ goddaughter, too: a girl named Ruth who wears earrings that make a lot of noise and who always laughs at her godfather’s jokes. She’s studying linguistics in Kalos and owns a Honchkrow that swept the floor with him during her challenge to the battle subway.

“Well you two go have fun, Isaac and I are headed down to one of those fancy stationery stores down in Castelia,” she says, popping her back with an exaggerated stretch. “Need to prove to my parents that I still know how to send a letter.”

“Feel free to pick something up while you’re out, Ruthie and I will probably grab lunch before we come back.” Isaac scratches under the chins of both Manectric, who nuzzle him for more affection. “It was nice seeing you again, Isadore.”

He gives a clipped nod. “Likewise.” He’s not really sure of the last time someone said it was nice to see him.

Each pair goes their separate ways, and guilt starts to gnaw its way through Isadore’s stomach. He can’t keep going on like this.

Manectric doesn’t need these outings anymore, hasn’t for a long time. She’s stopped destroying the apartment, can discharge any excess electricity in the generator at the bottom of the complex, and has figured out how to entertain herself just fine during the day when Isadore’s at work.

He doesn’t need to keep wasting Ramses’ time like this, but a selfish part of him still wants to.

They barely make it five minutes until Isadore breaks down.

“I haven’t been… totally honest with you,” he starts, interrupting Ramses’ talk of Kalosian legends that Ruth had been teaching him about this week. 

Ramses tenses up, mouth twisting into a frown.

“Manectric doesn’t need these anymore. She’s doing wonderful at home.”

And then Ramses starts to laugh— to laugh of all things! Isadore can feel the shame rising in him.

He swipes at his eyes. “You had me worried! I thought it was something serious.”

Isadore feels like his brain has been reset. “This isn’t serious to you?”

“Not particularly. Isadore, I knew she was doing just fine months ago. She wouldn’t have even been allowed at the station if she was such a troublemaker.” He snorts, trying to stamp down the last few chuffs of laughter rising in his chest. 

“Then why didn’t you stop?”

“Because I enjoy it.” Ramses says it like it’s the most obvious thing on earth. “Do you really think I would have offered to help if I didn’t want to?”

“Well…”

Ramses looks up at him, face sincere. “I appreciate your company, Isadore. I’m sorry if I didn’t make that clear enough before now.”

“You shouldn’t apologize, I’m the one who-”

“No harm no foul, right?” He chuckles and starts walking again, beckoning for Isadore to join him. “Now c’mon, we can’t let those mutts get too far without us. And they’ll probably end up hunting down those Ducklett at the pond, and then there will be some harmed fowl.”

Isadore can’t help but snort at that. Ugh. When did those jokes start being funny?

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw mention of paranoid and delusional beliefs and rape and bullying

do you have any advice for me? im dealing with someone who comes off paranoid and delusional and vindictive and she keeps coming after me to attempt to rape me and send her friends to bully me. its mortifying and terrifying im just trying to avoid her and her friends

-Frankie

Hi Frankie,

I'm so sorry to hear about what's been happening and that's definitely terrifying. I don't know how old you are or how often you're around this person and her friends, so please keep that in mind as I'm sharing my thoughts. Do know that you have a few options, though I'm not sure how practical they may be in your circumstances.

Some short term options that you may have already tried is to block her and anyone else who has tried to contact you on her behalf. I do not advise trying to talk to her and ask her to stop because someone who is attempting to rape you is not thinking reasonably. It may also help to build and rely on a support network such as friends or family, and if you feel comfortable, letting them know about the situation so that they can support you emotionally.

I know how intimidating it can be, but one option is to file a police report. Taking a serious step to protect yourself and legally warn her can potentially provide a layer of safety while also adding a layer of consequence for her behavior. Even if you do not have evidence, you could still possibly open an information case so that your local police department can keep track of these incidents as they progress. That being said, collecting evidence would be extremely important in being able to persecute or press charges against her if that's something you're interested in. You can file a report by either calling the police or going in person to your local department and speaking to the front desk clerk.

Another option is to find a confidential place to stay. If you are a minor, you can look into youth shelters in your area. If you are an adult, you could consider looking into local women's shelters or co-ed DV shelters if you are not female identifying. You could also look into local crime victims services in your area that might be able to make more relevant referrals.

If anyone has any additional suggestions, please feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything, and feel free to keep us updated.

-Bun

[lilypatchkins]

Negai no Astro Chapter 5 Thoughts

SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT

First off Kuran was a little hysterical to me, first noodle arms and then innocently asking Terasu if Hibaru’s Astro is actually just a strong right arm.

He has quickly become such a lovable character. His design was already amazing, and then we find out he’s a really strong fighter and a really nice guy. He set up a whole security team for Ikebukuro basically. And now we find out that Kou’s older brother was his best friend and he takes care of him on his behalf.

Side note: Im really not sure about Kuran and whether he has an Astro or not. At first I didn’t think so because he wasn’t shown as one of the ones to receive it. Also, he didn’t seem like the type to have some sort of strong wish, but now that we know his story with Kou I’m sure he has a strong wish to protect him. I really hope he does purely because I want him to be more plot relevant.

Anyways speaking of Kou, this chapter did make me think a little better of him. Yes, he’s acting like an arrogant brat but the context of his brother makes his behavior more understandable. He was probably very young when he lost Botan, and from his perspective, he lost his dear brother to a random kid. Not to drag other series into this but it really reminded me of Kota from my hero academia. He probably also felt like that by choosing to be a hero, his brother was choosing strangers over him. So instead, he chose to walk the opposite path (probably also to protect himself from getting hurt like that again too).

Hibaru did have a point though when he reprimanded Kou for not appreciating Kuran who took care of him for all those years.

It does make me wonder if Kuran has ever like, talked to Kou about any of this, or if he just let Kou kind of do whatever he wanted while making sure he was safe from a distance.

Also, rereading the fight, I don’t think Kou actually wanted to kill Hibaru. At the very least, I don’t think he has the guts to actually do it. Otherwise, why yell at the guy to beg for his life and lecture him to be smarter? “Don’t die for a stupid cause like my brother, be smart, focus on yourself.” It makes me think Kou has mixed feelings towards Hibaru. He’s already admitted that Hibaru reminds him of Botan, and I theorized that Kou, despite what he says, did love his brother. It’s like he doesn’t want Hibaru to live the way his brother did because he doesn’t want to see someone else die over what he thinks is a stupid cause. That implies that to some degree, Kou does care about Hibaru? Or at the very least, doesn’t want to see a repeat of Botan.

Now as for Hibaru’s view of Kou, it’s very obvious that he and Terasu do not think highly of him. They think he’s a leech and I believe it’s been stated that he was the weakest in the family. But it’s also clear that they never knew about Kou and Kuran’s backstory until now, so I hope Hibaru and Kou can eventually become allies. Also because while I’m sure Kuran would not mind helping Hibaru, he won’t abandon Kou. Though at the same time, considering the type of person Hibaru is, I understand why he’s so mad at Kou. I know Hibaru says, “I won’t finish you off outta respect for Kuran!” But again I don’t think he would’ve really killed him either way. I think he just wanted to lecture Kou about loyalty and family.

It’ll be interesting to see how Kou reacts! He seems very stubborn so I don’t see him easily admitting to losing, but surely something is going to give right? (also because I really want Kuran to join them but he won’t leave Kou behind).

[wttcsms]

sorry if you're not comfortable answering this, but I saw you say that you've been diagnosed with depression. how did you know when to seek help?

tl;dr: from a young age, i never lived a healthy lifestyle with an easy pace. i (and maybe even my family) put too much pressure on me, and i never really coped with it in a healthy manner. my attempt at handling things "with ease" and "not stressing" was actually just me bottling up my emotions, and it's not until things started getting really bad that i finally sought help.

nothing uncomfy abt it at all! discussion of mental health is pretty important! tbh, i never thought i would have depression or be diagnosed with it; i started showing symptoms for around a year before i started really thinking to myself, hey, i think there might be something up with me mentally and this isn't just some silly, quirky thing i'm going through. ever since i was around 18, i went through great lengths to ensure i would achieve maximum academic success but while being a full-time college student and consistently working 60+ hours a week (70+ during the summer bc my junior year internship was so intense; i also went to college 2 years early, so i think that's when the internal pressure to "do well in life" began) was taking a massive toll on me mentally and physically. i would survive off of 4-5 hours of sleep, consume concerning amounts of caffeine, i was losing hair, i was losing drastic amounts of weight, i was breaking out and breaking down, and even when i got better, i still wasn't fully ever healed from that experience purely bc my schedule just never slowed down.

i am still a full-time student, i am still working 7 days a week, leading to 60+ hours (40 hours internship, 20 hours at my weekend part-time job). on top of that, i am in the second to last semester of my grad school, i help out around the house bc after my older sister moved out, i took over the eldest daughter duties, i am still holding myself to a very high standard academically (already planning to apply to phd programs, studying for the cpa exam, already have another summer internship lined up). i knew things were getting bad because 1) i am finally older (im abt to turn 21! yay!) and i realized that the lifestyle i'm living isn't healthy and 2) a lot of my behaviors didn't feel "normal" to me anymore. it finally hit me around two months ago, when i realized that i sort of lost my love for fanfiction. i've been in a weird mood where i didn't want to read any fanfic whatsoever, but i chalked it up to being "too busy" and focused on other things. when i couldn't even find the energy to read my own mutual's fanfic, i knew something was up bc i always try to power through and remain enthusiastic on my friends' behalf. more behaviors that were a cause for concern:

my disinterest in everything that brought me joy previously. sweet treats at the end of the day, coffee before work, buying makeup from sephora, cleaning my room (sounds silly, but i love having a clean living space and cleaning my room used to be a source of peace and joy for me), writing fanfiction, reading books, watching youtube videos, catching up on shows that would release weekly and that i used to count down the days to watch — none of it held my interest. i wasn't excited, i didn't care.

it wasn't just a lack of joy from things i loved, either. rejections from programs i looked forward to/rejections from opportunities, abysmal grades in class, looming deadlines that i most likely wouldn't make, growing assignments on my work to-do list; none of this elicited a reaction from me. there was no stress (that i was feeling; subconsciously, i think the stress was still there and i just refused to acknowledge it), but there also wasn't disappointment or sadness. i had no emotional response to anything, and that was very concerning to me, and the main reason i contacted my sister and then her boyfriend (who is a licensed psychiatrist)

i could sleep for 12+ hours a day. there are many days in the week where all i want to do is rot in bed. not even in a "go on my phone and dick around in bed" type of way, either. i would have certain days where i couldn't leave the bed. sometimes, i wouldn't even feel tired, but i would just sleep. my internship is wfh and if it was a slow day with no assignments, i would clock in and spend that whole day in my bed, sleeping. it got to the point where i wish work was busy so i would have something to force me out of bed. yes, i would be aware of my tiredness sometimes, but this felt different altogether. i just wanted to basically hibernate lol.

i had constant headaches. i thought it was because of the nature of my job, where i look at computer screens all day, or maybe it was bc i wasn't drinking enough water. i would also get unexplainable cramps sometimes.

tmi, but little to no pleasure and an extreme decline in interest in sex

i had extreme issues with focusing on work and studying; a lot of my work (and school materials) centers around thinking through problems and applying tax law or guidance to certain situations.

my diet fluctuated; some days, i wouldn't want to eat, yesterday, i gorged myself on food, eating to the point where even i had to pause and go wtf.

not very often was i randomly sad, nor did i ever want to kill myself or self-harm; when i was a teenager (17/18) and probably showing signs of depression, i was very irritable, angry, sad, and had suicidal thoughts, thought i was worthless, an idiot, etc. however, i mostly just feel empty and apathetic during my episodes now.

what helped me seek help was knowing that my behaviors and how i was feeling didn't feel healthy, but also, my best friend recently shared her diagnosis with me and i would have never thought she would be depressed. my sister's bf was also a major help in getting me comfortable to consider the possibility of having a mental illness and also in finding someone to talk to. hope this helps!

edit: forgot to mention it, but i exhibited many/all of those symptoms for around the past 3 months before ever seeking help. those behaviors started manifesting tremendously and seriously disrupting my daily life, and i knew i needed to do something to get my life back on track.

[smiggles]

This is gonna be abit of a mouthful, but I need to get it off my chest now that years have passed and we've (hopefully you have too) matured by now.

I once looked up to you, but that was a very long time ago. The trauma you caused me is irreversible. tbf I used to be a brat and if I could go back in time to backhand my younger self I would, I own up to that. But I was only a teenager, still growing and learning about myself and how to talk to others properly. Turns out I was pretty much autistic, so communication wasn't my strong point at all back then.

But even then, your two-faced behavior of proudly shitting on and bragging about how much money you were ripping off the furry community, the people who actively supported you, loved your work and paid your bills, was appalling. I had every right to call you out on it. Instead of accepting it was wrong, you sent your roommates out like attack dogs to fight your battles, defend your toxic behavior and harass me. Every time I blocked them they would find a different site to attack me on. I struggled to make friends for years after that incident, I felt I couldn't trust anyone because of what you guys did.

Years passed, and I genuinely hoped you had changed for the better, only to see a callout post during pride of all times, about your grossly acephobic attitude. I had friends who were blocked by you and didn't understand why. You need to understand your damaging actions have severe affects on real people, and when you make public apologies, the people who comment saying they forgive you don't count if they weren't the ones hurt by you. They don't speak for those affected.

I'm not looking for an apology, even if given one I probably wouldn't accept it after all the damage you've done to me. I have zero interest in you being in my life again. I just wanted to give you this perspective to get it off my chest and for you to mull on, I want you to use it to improve yourself as a person moving forward. See the wrong in your actions, how badly it affects others, and make the choice to make things right.

But that's up to you now.

Hey, I know who this is an I want you to know that I think about you often.

Read more below

Sometimes your stuff shows up on my feed or someone shares something with me that youve made because we have common interests and I think to myself Im glad theyre doing well and I hope youre surrounded by people who support you. I dont say this as a way to like Save face because this is a public anon. I would say this to you in private if I could. I was a very nasty person years and years ago and no apology will take back the pain Ive caused others from that. Especially not you. But I am sorry. I wish things could have been different. I do. For the acephobia. Yes. I was acephobic and horrible about it. I hurt a lot of people from that and cant ever take that back but know that Ive learned a lot about how to treat others and unpack the internalized hatred towards my own ace'ness and how others present themselves. I also want to say I never sent my roommates on you. That was a choice they did on their own without my knowledge. I never ever want someone to go after anyone on my behalf and while it is likely hard to believe that those who have known me these past 5-6 years can vouch that as true. I have on multiple occasions asked my friends to leave people alone I end up disagreeing with. I never name drop people I dont get along with. I dont even tell people besides my very very private close friends about what happened between me and you and that might be about 3 or 4 people at most. As for blocking? I block very liberally LOL and its almost never personal. I block people for the smallest things just to curate my social media experience. If you ever wanted to reconnect and try again Im here. And I have no hatred in my heart. I have held myself accountable all these years for things I should have done better. Handled softer. In the end Truly. Im glad youve made a beautiful career out of something you love and no matter what happens between us I hope you continue to thrive. With all my heart.

[h1mmel]

silly guys (tm)

kiamei high school au <3

--

Mei was drifting off in class, a rare occurrence on the behalf of her usual studious attitude. But today, instead of classwork to be discussed, the entire room was filled with conversation about the upcoming prom dance. Mei hadn’t been particularly interested in participating, that is, until her deskmate leaned over with a cheeky grin on her face.

“Hey, do you have a date to prom?”

Mei was slightly surprised by the question, but shook her head after a moment. “No. I don’t think I’ll go unless someone asks me.”

“Aww, don’t have that attitude,” her deskmate pouted. “I can help you find a date if you want! I'm the best matchmaker!” she puffed out her chest proudly.

Mei tried to turn her down, but her deskmate insisted until she eventually caved. Gleefully, the other girl wrote down her number on a slip of paper and passed it over.

“Text me when you get home,” she winked.

“Sure,” Mei accepted the piece of paper and slipped it into her bag, feeling her cheeks grow warm. “What was your name, by the way?”

“Kiana!” the girl grinned. She was about to say something else, but the bell signaling the end of class cut her off.

“I gotta go! Text me please! See you!” and before Mei could get a word in edgewise, Kiana had grabbed her school bag and dashed off.

That afternoon, Mei spent a long time mulling over texting Kiana. She wasn’t sure what to say, but eventually opted for a simple message.

Hey kiana, you gave me your number earlier

Her phone dinged almost immediately with a response.

oh hey hows it going im soso excited u agreed to let me find u a date u !have 2 go to prom!!!!!

Mei barely had time to read the message before another one came in.

ok so first of all what's ur type do u like girls or boys btw or both??

She exhaled softly, closing her eyes for a moment before typing a response.

I feel like I should tell you this first. I’m a girl

Mei hadn’t come out to a single person at her school yet, and she’d barely only met Kiana, so she wasn’t sure what came over her to suddenly reveal something she hadn’t the courage to bring up previously. The anxiety set in only after she’d sent the message, spiking when she saw the little bubble that meant that Kiana was typing.

She heard the notification that signified Kiana’s reply.

oh cool swag!! are u lesbian?

Mei nearly dropped her phone. That wasn’t the response that she’d been expecting.

Now that the anxiety from her initial message had started to dissipate, she actually had the chance to consider Kiana’s question. She’d never used that word for herself before, but the label made her strangely giddy. Mei smiled slightly and clutched her phone tighter.

yeah, I guess so yay same!!!! do u wanna go to the dance with me then?????

She nearly dropped her phone again.

I’d love to

Kiana’s response was nearly instantaneous.

ok great! let's go dress shopping this weekend okay? I already have plenty of dresses yes but i want to go shopping with u!! it's a deal you have to go

Mei couldn't argue with Kiana, so she sighed and typed out a reply.

i’ll go yayy i'm so excited!!!!! see u then

There was a few moment's pause before she got another message.

whats ur name again? i have horrible memory so srry

Mei blinked in confusion. Everyone in school knew her name, with being the heir to a big company, people talked about her a lot. And Kiana had called her by name, multiple times.

It took Mei a few seconds to realize that Kiana was likely trying to avoid her deadname.

it’s mei alrighty mei!! i will be at the mall shopping district this saturday. u had better be there

Mei smiled softly.

I’ll see you then

…

Mei showed up to the mall that Saturday afternoon, unsure where to find Kiana as the girl hadn’t specified a meeting time or place. She was about to text Kiana, when someone grabbed her hand and she spun around quickly.

“Mei! You came!”

It was none other than Kiana herself, a bright grin on her face.

“Why wouldn’t I? I said I would,” Mei replied, awkwardly holding Kiana’s hand still as she was unsure of how to release it. “I… already have a dress, so I don’t really need to go shopping, but-”

“But shopping is fun!” Kiana cut her off. “It doesn't matter if you already have a dress or not! It’s trying them on that’s the best part.”

Mei was helpless to resist as Kiana dragged her into the first store.

Soon enough, both girls had a whole rack of dresses to try on, and they would have selected more had the fitting room attendant not ushered them to try on the ones they had before they had half of the store picked out. Mei could barely carry all of the dresses inside and figured she’d have to make multiple trips to get them all.

The first dress that Mei tried fit awkwardly around the shoulders, but Kiana still insisted she show her. They had a good laugh about the dorky sleeves before Mei shuffled back inside to try a different one.

The second dress was a bit too bright and a bit too frilly for Mei’s liking, but once again Kiana insisted she see it. This time, Kiana herself had tried on a dress, one covered in blue sequins so bright it made it difficult to look directly at her.

“That one’s cute, Mei! Do you like it?”

“Not really,” Mei mumbled, shuffling the skirt’s base with her fingertips. “Too much fabric. It feels like I’m wearing a tutu.”

“How about mine! What do you think?”

“It’s a little…” Mei searched for a good word. “Um, the cut is cute, but maybe in a different color…?”

“Aw, you don’t like blue? I think it’s fancy!” Kiana spun in a circle, making the dress twirl out around her. “You should try that black one on next! I bet it would be adorable on you.”

Mei took the one Kiana was talking about off the rack and headed back into the fitting room.

The dress itself was very pretty, but Mei had a hard time zipping up the back, so she eventually opted to knock on the door and ask Kiana for help.

“Does it fit okay?” Kiana asked.

“Not sure, I can’t reach the zipper.” Mei mumbled embarrassedly, her back turned from Kiana.

“Need some help? Here, let me try!”

Mei nodded and her cheeks burned from the feeling of Kiana’s hands against her bare back. With a bit of tugging, Kiana managed to get the zipper up, and she turned Mei around.

“Oh, that’s adorable!” Kiana beamed. “The cut really fits you a lot! Do you like it?”

“It feels a little stiff,” Mei's hands slid down her sides, feeling the dress’s fabric. “It’s hard to move around in.”

“Aww,” Kiana made a pouty face. “Another one, then. How about the orange one?”

“Sure.” And Kiana headed back to her own dressing room to try a new one on.

This time, Mei wasn’t first to finish changing, and Kiana eagerly knocked on her door.

“Hey, Mei, Mei, come look! I really like this one!”

“Okay, give me a minute,” Mei replied as she finished off the clasps of her dress. She pushed the door open and saw Kiana outside, an eager expression on her face.

Kiana’s dress was very form-fitting with a long skirt that flowed past her ankles in sparkling, elegant fabric. It was stunning and Mei couldn’t tear her eyes away from the sight.

“Like it?”

“It’s…” Mei blinked, unable to make eye contact. “Very pretty. I like it a lot, it fits you well.”

“So blue is my color?” Kiana flashed a wink, and then spun in a circle again. “I dunno, do you think this is too fancy for a school dance?”

“Not at all,” Mei shook her head.

Kiana gleefully set that dress aside and the two girls spent at the very least an hour trying on dresses. Mei eventually settled on one that she liked much better than anything she had at home, and Kiana offered to buy it for her, but she blatantly refused. Mei ended up paying for both of their dresses despite Kiana's protests.

“I’ll get you back somehow!” she’d insisted, and Mei had laughed.

They’d gone to part ways that evening, but only after Kiana had insisted Mei call her later to chat. Mei agreed, and was internally thankful that she’d been convinced to go shopping together, even if she’d only gotten one dress out of every one she tried on all afternoon.

[swearwolf-does-stuff]

fuck it - my teen wolf movie fix-it

i literally just did this all day bcs of how much the movie pissed me off - this is legit just everything I would've done different if I was the one making the damn movie (written in bullet points (bcs im lazy) under the cut)

PRE MOVIE STUFF

Aight so first off, Eli (named after Derek's dear old dad) was the result of a one-stand (pre-Braeden bcs he ain’t a cheater)

Derek doesnt even know he exists till Melissa calls him to the hospital (he still w Braeden for now) but babymama got in a crash and the kid’s there- DNA test says he the babydaddy but Braeden ain’t about that,, like she respects it but she ain’t ready to settle down in a nuclear family typa situation and he ain’t holding it against her neither so it’s like an amicable parting yk? And there begins the tale of single dad!Derek (like this is right at the end of the show or wtv bcs the timeline gives me a headache)

Now if he wants to keep shit in the clear regarding the FBI when it comes to Eli’s life so he calls Stiles, Cora and Peter to form a plan to handle that shit

The only thing they come up with is kinda turning him in (Peter is not fan but o well)

They go the old Hale house w the Sheriff and Argent and call the FBI, not long enough to trace the call but long enough to give his message: one person, anyone they want, at that location and they can wear a tracker, a wire, wtv but they sit down and listen bcs he ain’t going into custody for something he didn’t do

At first the FBI wants to send Stiles but he’s just like ‘uh,,, conflict of interest?’ bcs they went to school together even if they weren’t in the same grade (but also bcs they’d somehow have to pretend they don’t know each other and that’s just messy) so they send Rafael (Scott’s dad) instead bcs he’s the official liaison with the sheriffs

So he pops up and he’s gets them to explain the situation like they barely know the man bcs they probably don’t before ‘Scott’s dad’ but obviously without werewolves and hunters

Argent’s there as a character witness bcs yes Kate was that batshit + she legit groomed Derek when he was in highschool (15-16 and traumatised vs 20-21 and actively seeking to harm him and his family)

Plus no one even knew Cora was still alive but that was bcs she didn’t want Kate trying it again so the FBI leaves that be and she goes back to South America bcs Beacon Hills shit is just way too much

So they drop the charges against him and move their attention to Kate (no one knows if she’s alive or dead or what but who cares)

LATER

Nah he did not weirdly traumatise his kid while saving him only for it to be fine and dandy when Scott roars in his face

See they live in the woods and w the scent of shifters, especially Malia (a werecoyote), keeps the actual coyotes away

He’s just a slow developer bcs he’s half human and he’s worried all the time about whether he’ll ever shift bcs he might not yk

Liam did not move to Japan

The pack just gave the box to a kitsune community (they don’t really have packs but they do have families and communities in that sense) that Yukimura Noshiko told them about bcs kitsune can handle nogitsune a whole lot better than wolves

Instead of the random ass Liam x Hikari thing, they’re friends - he ain’t the emissary but he’s still the one making the trips on the behalf of the McCall Pack + he learns Japanese bcs that’s like one of the only parts of canon that ain’t too bad

Ykw Theo goes w him bcs he has literally nothing in Beacon Hills and he’s still tryna prove himself to the pack bcs ~guilt complex~ and bcs Thiam obvsly

Kira and Issac are back and Scira AND Scisaac are canon bcs I said so - he has two hands

Isaac came back with Argent when Eli popped up

Alec still exists bcs why include the future of the pack and then forget he exists??

Plus Theo, Corey, Nolan??? 

Harris never died/was never sacrificed (but almost) bcs the Darach let him go as a twisted thanks for the help or wtv but no one knows so he’s just AWOL the whole time (bcs the movie just goes ‘surprise bitch’ and don’t explain HOW he's for some reason-)

Scott didn’t just move away from his pack, his mum, etc. it just don't sound like him

The old pet shelter in Beacon Hills (conveniently near Deaton’s clinic) ends up needing a new owner after the owner basically goes ‘I’m too old for this shit’ so he’s the new owner yay

He still gets his vet degree bcs my boy worked hard for that shit

Lydia and Stiles don’t work out bcs I don’t want it to- sorry Stydia

She’s still a genius doing wtv she was doing in the movie bcs fuck yea renewable energy

He’s no longer doing his FBI stuff bcs he realised the supernatural in the cases and couldn’t do a thing about it so now he’s basically like the Sherlock or Columbo or wtv of the supernatural world

Stiles still lives in Beacon Hills bcs it’s a supernatural hub which makes it easier for his work

Nolan is dealing w hunter shit

Corey is temporarily away on work stuff or smth soz bro making things up is harder than it used to be

Mason is not a cop bcs no

Mans gets his degree bcs he’s the puppy pack's designated nerd and he’s a chem teacher at the high school (he’s also the councillor bcs that easy he can tell who’s supernatural to make things easier for everyone)

Malia and Derek set up the Hale autoshop while rebuilding the Hale Packhouse like it used to be

Isaac lives w them

We actually remember that the Hales are rich bitches

Bcs the house is massive and meant for yk a wolf pack rather than a small family, the McCall Pack use it as a sort of substitute packhouse bcs ain’t no one else rich so when Stiles, Theo or Liam are in town, they’ll stay there or if there’s some pack thing, there’s plenty of space for the lot of em

Roscoe ends up in the Hale autoshop bcs it’s too recognisable for Stiles' work but once Derek got rid of the ridiculous amounts of duct tape on it, he managed to fix the thing

ON TO THE MOVIE

Beginning bit still happens and the thingie gets free boohoo

Isaac also works at the shelter w Scott and is also having Allison dreams but Kira helps them understand the dreams + the ritual (which is also why Deaton dealt w Argent alone bcs kitsune also reply compulsively to riddles(?) me thinks)

Also Scott isn’t weirdly hung on Allison like sure the movie was cute and Scalia was weird af imo but Scira was fr fr and yet they kept on w the whole ‘they’re the only ones for each other’ crap which ain’t it

Eli still has an obsession with Roscoe (sames)

Mason is also a consultant with the arson cases bcs chem teacher + accelerant fires (the sheriff’s station isn’t exactly the most high tech of places)

Stiles is in Mexico sans Roscoe bcs of a possible lead on Kate bcs they did not need her adding fuel to the metaphorical fire

Shit ain’t awkward w Scalia bcs that was never really a thing (she just copied Lydia’s panic attack hack to save his butt/eyes rather than snogging bcs emotions)

No more ‘o Eli barely knows anyone - they all left when he was a kid’ this nerd now a bajillion uncles and aunts or wtv and also there ain’t no way wolves use that ‘2nd cousin once removed’ bull bcs its my canon and that shit don't make no sense to me - anyone from your parents gen is basically your uncle/aunt

The dork’s like a living bestiary just bcs of everyone he knows

Never realised just how canon the autistic!Malia hc was damn

More rage from Malia at seeing Derek, her cousin!!, almost die - nerds had 15 years to get to know each other

Oni dimensional transportation magic is in a similar vein to the wild hunt’s

slashing/decapitation = death

Straight stabbing = transportation

Yea we get it Peter’s a dick wtv - he ain’t that much of a dick so he ain’t so lighter-happy but he gets it done bcs a cigarette lighter ain’t exactly gonna get it handled

Peter x Melissa? Aight. Melissa x Argent? No- it ain’t it, dating when you’re kids are/did

Peter and Argent are top tier frenemies tho

Kira goes with Lydia and Jackson to try and deal with the nogitsune

Isaac and Scott go to deal w Allison

No weird ‘save Allison’ speech when she’s hunting a child like prioritise y’all also,,, Scira+Scisaac bitches duh

Post sheriff's station, Kira goes with Hikari, Theo and Liam bcs handling the human behind the nogitsune would only do so much but yea they still get captured due to a lack of silver

Nogitsune can’t help but brag like a dick at Kira’s arrival bcs of his history with the Yukimura clan

Ain’t no ‘aishiteru’ on my watch simply bcs i do not vibe

Yea Scott and Isaac are having mad flashbacks + wolfsbane poisoning whew

She just sticks a couple of poisoned arrows in Isaac and leaves him half-dead in the forest bcs convenience and drags him back to the base as insurance

The convincing, the confessions, the flashbacks can include Scott but not for the most part - she dropped him and they were good w it; the show sidelining her boyfriend for her ex in her death scene was bad enough

Kira and Hikari work together to save Scott with their foxfire bcs being in the nogitsune’s realm dampens everyone powers, including theirs

DEREK DOES NOT DIE FUCK THAT SHIT

EVERYONE’S THERE AND THEY ALL CAME AS THEY DID IN THE NORMAL REALM (AKA BEACON HILLS) SO THEY USE THE WEAPONS AND TURN HIM INTO A NASTY FOX-WOLF-PINCUSHION AND (THROWBACK TO THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE) KIRA SKEWERS THE BITCH RIGHT DOWN THE FUCKING MIDDLE SO NO ONE HAS TO HOLD HIM DOWN WHEN PARRISH LIGHTS THE MOTHERFUCKER UP

o and obvsly no ‘Derek's a true alpha’ stuff bcs the lore is way too confused already and I’m pretty sure you can’t be a true alpha if you’ve killed

Ahem

Because of how old the nogitsune is/primordial shit, no one really knows if he’s dead frfr but at least he’s no longer physically in their realm so yay

Scira 🤝 Scisaac 🤝 Allisaac

Hikari gets to go home and forget Beacon Hills ever existed (good for her)

At the end of the movie, post credit style, Stiles returns to Beacon Hills, safe and sound, having sent Kate to werejaguar prison (AKA the Eichen House of Mexico) bcs she was also heading to Beacon Hills w dreams of Allison

He caught her past New Mexico, having avoided the Hamrammr (substitute species for sk*nw*lk*rs bcs that term ain’t mine to use; it's the Norse term for shapeshifter - separate from berserker and other shifter myths; just replace the species role for role; they're also rare and hecking good at what they do etc etc)

Anywho mans starts like 'you would not believe what I just went through blah blah', all rambling and everyone just looks at him. like. :| and then he's like 'what did you do?' and Derek explains everything bcs Scott's busy with the polycule lmao

And then Sterek kiss bcs 15 years of denial, PLUS the queerbaiting AND getting superhelled is more than enough thanks

THE END (OF THIS WHOLE FUCKING UNIVERSE)

[buttercupart]

rambling about poncho human time

this is gonna be long as hell. like im so serious its like a scroll of ancient texts im deeply sorry for this. lets go gang

The eventual head of humankind's soul council and the (at the time) most determined human, the few remaining records note their name to be "Réada".

Further inquiry into the subject would point heavily to their full first name being Mairéada (MY-red-ah or mah-REYDA), though most accounts contested the way said name was to be pronounced, as well as their surname - with human-monster war historians going back and forth on whether it was "Lahmar" or "al-Ahmar". Based on the records of their full name, they are assumed to have had Irish and Moroccan ancestry.

To friends, though? They were just Réada.

Born the middle child of their family, Réada's magical prowess turned some eyes towards their family early on, as did their propensity towards mercy and just treatment... notably towards monsterkind, at a time when tensions between the two were high.

If Réada was consciously aware of any of these things, though, they didn't show it. They spent their days tending to their family's livestock... and goofing off with monster children, including the boss monster prince, Asgore.

No one, monster nor human, expected some human peasant child to worm their way into the monster prince's heart and home... but they did anyways, and it proved a beneficial friendship for both of them.

If there's one thing about Asgore, it's that he is and always was a fuzzy pushover. Réada's strong sense of justice and inability to let seemingly minor infractions towards monsterkind go taught him that even if he struggled to stand up for himself, that it was always worth it to stand up and seek justice on behalf of others who weren't treated kindly... who, more often than not at the time, were other monsters.

Asgore's kind nature and lax personality brought out the latent kindness in Réada that was buried behind a no-nonsense facade, and whenever they weren't getting up to tomfoolery, they shared their visions for a brighter, kinder future for humans and monsters both, that they were sure they could accomplish together, with Asgore as King and Réada as his right-hand man.

Of course, this tentative period of "peace" couldn't last, not with tensions rising higher and higher each day. As the years ticked by, it became more and more apparent that something had to give. But through it all, the monster prince and his human friend stood tall, and continued to give those close to them some semblance of hope.

...until humankind's ruler insisted on taking a young Réada to train with a selection of other powerful soul-bearing humans, to function as a council of magic serving humanity's best interests. Réada wanted no part in this, but as an immensely (perhaps the most) powerful Determination soul, their opinion on the subject hardly mattered.

Taken from their family and friends and pushed into a leadership role they wanted nothing to do with as a young teenager proved detrimental to their wellbeing. On the rare occasions they could sneak from the castle, they'd meet up with Asgore to tell him the current going-ons, and this was one of the only ways they stayed stable. It troubled them to know how their family struggled without them, or how looming the threat of war was on the horizon. Through it all, the monster king and the human pawn tried to hold on to the hope of a brighter future together with everything they had.

The human's ruler wasn't stupid, and knew Réada was meeting with Asgore behind the council's backs - but considering how vital they were to the plan, they couldn't be taken out of the equation and disposed of - and the reins on them tightened to the point they were never left alone - and thus, Asgore didn't see them again for quite a long time.

The breaking point, and largely agreed upon catalyst for the war was the deaths of the monster prince's parents at the hand of humans. Asgore had staunchly refuted the idea of utilizing violence against who he viewed as his friend's kind until this point, where, in grief, he lashed out and declared war against humankind for what they'd done. Young and grief-stricken, the monster prince ascended to the role of monster king.

Réada's strong sense of justice towards their monster friends proved to be a massive detriment to the humans' cause. When called upon to use their magical aptitude to FIGHT, it was impossible to get them to actually do any lasting damage - they would FIGHT monsters under the threat of their own death, sure, but only do just enough damage to get to the point they'd be able to SPARE their opponents. Their mantra was to never kill or be killed in turn.

...the same could not be said for other humans involved in the war, who turned countless monsters to dust under the demands of their ruler. Despair grew in Réada as the war progressed, and they knew they had to come up with a plan, fast, before every last monster was massacred. They partnered with a few other mages in the council to devise a plan that would put the killing to an end - without that end being complete eradication of monsterkind.

Not long before the end of the war, Asgore led a platoon against a group of humans, which Réada was forced to lead - head to head, they stood before one another for the first time in many years, almost unable to recognize one another as the years of stress made itself evident on their faces. As their fists shook, with their weapons drawn... neither could make a move. Neither could understand why they hesitated, why the other didn't just get it over with already and get rid of them the way they should have wanted to. A few spears were thrown, a few magic bullets flew, but nothing more, before both sides shakily retreated.

The next few days were filled with insurmountable confusion and grief for them both.

Shortly after, the monsters surrendered.

The Mages were gathered by their ruler, to utilize their immense magical abilities to finally turn every last monster to dust once and for all.

But Réada still had that trick up their sleeve.

Together with the 1 or 2 other mages who agreed to their plan, they cast a draining spell upon all of them, including themself, and drained every bit of magic out of all their souls, not to turn towards the monsters in a devastating final blow, no, rather... to create an immensely powerful, impenetrable magical barrier to keep the monsters contained and protected - far, far away from the reach of humans who wished to hunt them down, for the end of time, or perhaps until a better time. No human was to lay a hand against their best friend or his kind ever again.

Because he was their king, and they would always be his lionheart.

[imaginespazzi]

And we're back Bestie! Thanks for the patience while I recovered & got caught up w life.. I figured there wasnt much sense in providing a semi-coherent ask ha.

Ok so: First, it will make sense after reading but I so wish I could provide some pics for you via anon..

Went to the Sunday game. I didnt even ask to know in advance, but by chance the group/person that took responsibility for tickets to the game got seats a handful of rows up from behind the Dallas bench. I was just in disbelief w that given our jokes on the blog here. Our dear Lou is just so damn cute in person. And by every indication from that afternoon, an incredible teammate. Shes constantly supportive, super engaged, and you can tell things will come together for her before long on the court. Her being such a lovely professional didnt help lessen any appeal! 😣 Anywhooo it would be generous to say shot my shot Im afraid - but as luck would have it, there was a moment where she did a little happy dance spin around to the crowd when celebrating a teammates made 3 pointer (they led at this time) and ended up having genuine eye contact and a small smile back with me. So guess we can say there remains some small hope afloat for LouTea? Or at least argue that it wasnt an absolute failure by me on your behalf lol! My shy, yet somehow also overly confident self (maybe a certain attitude tends to come w being 5'2"?) will take it 🙈

So sitting where we did, actually found ourselves not far from Jacy Sheldons family who were at the game! Seemed nice, pretty quiet during the action. As a College WBB follower that was just kinda wild to me. And there was one other woman (maybe one more in the group) seemingly around Jacy's age w the fam in a custom top w her name, but I didnt recognize at a quick look. Dont think they were former teammate(s) though, so curious who they mightve been? Dont know much about JS off the court. Last but not least, a little down from me, I kid you not there was a woman wearing a VT Kitley jersey. I could only die laughing internally to myself, thinking of sharing this later. Not the most implausible place/location to see one tbf, but we honestly cant escape the OG lore!

Anyways the event was a great time all around. Highly recommend a WNBA game to anyone ofc. I was happy to see a Mystics win (and an interesting game) since Im usually bad luck for my/home pro teams in person.

Actually P.S. Li has such a cool vibe! Very sad to not get to watch her play but gives a fun, animated energy from the bench, to her credit. Easy to see why shes so well liked. And I dont know if you happened to see Shakira Austin that day, but holy hell. She is so tall and so stunning it blows the mind in real life. And while Kira is actually single (perhaps a nice fyi for some of you), I should be clear, Lou doesnt need to worry at all about competition. Theres no way little, sweet me would ever dare to handle a 6'5" woman with such a crazy side 😅 said with complete and total affection for her

Ok I should stop. 🫶

-☕️

Ahh unfortunately you can't send pic on anon. You can dm them to me if you'd like but it's totally fair if you wanna just stay an anon, I'mma just imagine the pics!

DAMN bestie I'm jealous of those seats but I'm so happy for you and so happy you got to see Lou so close! Awww I knew Lou was a sweetheart but I love hearing that for you. OMG DO I SENSE A MEET CUTE? She was dancing and then your eyes met? Personally I think that's a sign! I'M STARTING BRIDESMAIDS DRESS SHOPPING! You know what babes, I think you did great, just means you needa go to another game of hers and shoot another shot! Also hi twinnnn, I'm also barely 5'2 lol

I LOVE JACY! And her relationship with her sister is so sweet so that's so nice you saw her family! That's inchrestingggg info. I guess it could be a cousin but hmmm?

LMAO ofc there was something VT/Kitley related there, of course

Glad you got to see a W! And Li sounds amazing, I hope you get to see her play eventually too. Ooooh I bet Kira was stunning in person like I find her so freaking gorgeous so this totally checks out.

[cwarscars-a]

🔥

Send me a “ 🔥 “ for an unpopular opinion.

i'ma shape this one around the final fantasy vii fandom and go off on my usual spiel ( or, old spiel? cause i haven't chatted it in a while lol ).

i honestly despise the lack of love that the side-characters get as a whole from the fandom. i really don't like what the remake did for the franchise ( i do love the remake, don't get me wrong, but i think it bought about some of the fandoms worst traits ), and i cannot stand the 'one rule for thee, another for me' mindset that fans have regarding characters.

let's start with numero uno - so, obviously i write heid. lol. he's not particularly liked & that's totally fine...but man. finding content for him is horrible. there's nothing. like, barely anything. the few fics that exist are either rape fics or are ( and i hate saying this ), sorely out of character. the art is few and far between and usually more bara-anime-oriented. overall, i feel like i'm drinking from a dried up well. actually, nah. there was no well in the first place.

i always understood that heid isn't exactly the character who would get much fanfare but it's so disheartening to shift through five million pics of 'x' character and find two of heid. i can't even draw ( or at least, im not at all confident in my art ) and yet i took to drawing heidegger all of the time because i had to start making content for him. and in doing so - my art gets no regonition and is totally ignored anywhere but here. i think if i drew a popular character, i'd maybe get more attention but...i can't bring myself to do so.

in general though; heid isn't the only one. even reeve is quite underrated and ignored by the fandom as a whole (or implied to be an owo cat boy which makes me cringe). even, dare i say, barret is often shoved aside in favour of the more 'popular' characters ( the whole tifa/cloud are now marlene's parents suggestion by some people enrages me, like, wtf? )

secondly, i don't like what the remake did for the fandom because i think it bought the worst out in the fans. it appealed to cloud/sephiroth shippers despite that ship making no sense. you could argue the sephiroth cloud sees is just an extension of himself. they're both essentially jenova. but the remake makes it overtly sexual / suggestive. even as i played, all i could think was 'yeah, this was done for fan service'. i don't even think sephiroth should have been seen in remake part 1. ( obviously that'd never happen ).

but whereas there are things i adore about the remake. i think that they dumbed down the story and by extension, made the worse aspects of fandom writers become apparent. like, by making AVALANCHE basically entirely innocent ( despite being literal terrorists ) - they make shinra ENTIRELY evil. in the og, shinra were weirdly nuanced. they were 'evil' sure, but then they were also genuinly trying to save the planet from sephiroth. as for AVALANCHE; yes, they were fighting on behalf of good. but they did murder people in their quest to shut down reactors. in the og, reeve even calls barret out on this. but...now we probably wont get that? like, way to go rid your main heroes of any nuance. god forbid a hero does something bad.

my final point cause goddamn is this getting long is - i despise the way that the fans talk about characters & the whole 'LOL i can ship this but if you ship that then lol stinky gross smelly ewww'.

i've always wanted to explore shinra/heid as a young men. like, really explore their relationship. potentially even one-sided ship them. i love the idea of it, it's interesting and i imagine their dynamic was similar to tseng/rufus. how many jokes have i seen about shipping them? tonnes. but it's not okay to diss any other ship. make a joke about tseng/rufus and ohhh noo, you fucked up, kiddo.

i've seen people imply heidegger is a pervert because he commented on sephiroth being good looking. literally suggesting he 'creeps' on sephiroth and people wholly agreeing like 'omG LoL YEs' - as if calling someone good looking is an alien thing to do or means immediately that you want to bang them (smh).

in general, i constantly see the fandom make jokes about certain characters & imply that if you ship them, like them etc - 'loool something wrong with uuu'. it's dumb as shit. don't be mean about other people's preferences when half of the fandom can't take being told that cloud shouldn't be shipped with whoever.