hi guys!!! this little excerpt is from my marauders ski lodge au fic (it’s jegulus + wolfstar and for context, the black and potter families visit the same ski lodge in wyoming every winter— remus’ dad owns a coffee shop at the lodge) i’m working on this fic for the holidays! this scene specifically is inspired by hozier’s song, abstract, because it means the world 2 me. hope u guys enjoy this sneak peak, i cant wait to show you the whole thing! (cw: death of an animal)
The car ride is quiet. Sirius had put on some music before they left, but it’s playing at a near indecipherable volume. Now he’s humming along to whatever song is playing. He’s not half bad, actually, but Remus is too distracted by the world blurring outside his window to give it much attention. It gets so dark up here in the winter. He likes that about living in the country. The moon, however, hangs over them brightly in the cloudless sky, lighting up the snowy hills and outlining the mountains on the horizon.
“Full moon,” Remus points out quietly. He’s not sure why he even mentions it. Sirius probably doesn’t give a fuck.
“Oh, no way?” Sirius leans up in his seat, scanning the sky and Remus blinks at him a bit. So he does give a fuck. Interesting. Remus has never met a rich boy quite like Sirius. He’s not quite sure how to feel about that yet. “God, it’s beautiful, isn’t it?”
Remus nods back before realizing that Sirius probably can’t tell in the dark. “Yeah,” he agrees.
“And the stars too. You can see them so much better out here than back home. Too much fucking light pollution in the cities.”
That, at least, is true. One advantage to living in the middle of nowhere. The Snow Angels can keep their prep schools and their night clubs and their skyscrapers. Remus will happily take the stars. You can’t very well wish on a flickering streetlight.
Remus shifts a little, adjusting his attitude. After all, Sirius is doing him a favor. “Thank you for um. Driving me home.”
“Hm?” He asks, looking over. Right as Remus is about to repeat himself, Sirius seems to process it. “Oh sure! Sure, I didn’t mind. At all. Seriously. I’m glad you got to stay.”
Remus shrugs. “Well, thanks anyway.”
Sirius drums his fingers against the wheel. “I mean, I wasn’t going to mention it, but this was actually all an elaborate ploy to see where you live. So you know. Forget what I said about not having ulterior motives.”
Remus laughs. To his surprise and Sirius’, whose head jerks towards him at the sound. A pleased smile settles on his face as he turns back towards the road.
“Prepare to be disappointed,” Remus tells him, but something twinges in his chest. They’ve only ever been around each other on the Snow Angels’ turf. But this out here? All this nothingness? This is Remus’ territory. He’s oddly proud of the thought that Sirius will soon see his home.
“If there aren’t idyllic rocking chairs on the front porch, I’m literally suing.”
Remus is about to tell him that his dad might be able to handle that better than he can, but a shape on the winding road before them snatches his attention.
“Sirius!” he shouts, his hand flying automatically to the other boy’s shoulder, gripping tightly.
His breath leaves him in a rush as the car comes to a screeching halt, tires skidding against the pavement. Sirius’ arm comes across the console almost instinctively, as if to soften the blow of any impact for Remus, and if he wasn’t so damn scared, he might have the mind to think about the sweetness of the gesture.
“Are you okay?” Sirius asks when everything is finally still, breathing hard.
Remus nods quickly. “Yeah. Holy shit. Are you?”
“Remus.” Sirius whispers, his tone suddenly somber, and Remus looks over to find him staring at the road. At the black shape in the road.
“Oh.”
Roadkill is common out here. A long stretch of road, often quiet and empty, offers animals a false sense of security. Remus is used to it, but it’s never pleasant. Sirius, it seems, isn’t as familiar. Growing up in the city, he wouldn’t be.
“It’s a dog.” Sirius’ voice is so quiet as he stares ahead. So profoundly devastated. “It’s a dog, Remus.”
“It’s okay,” is what Remus tells him. He’s not even sure why. Maybe because the look on Sirius’ face rivals the tortured expression of the dog in the road, like he’s the one laid out on the concrete, bones crushed under the cruel wheel of some unassuming stranger’s car.
Remus looks back to the road and watches the poor animal struggle to stand, eyes glistening in the headlights. It’s still alive. Not for long, but for now.
The sound of the car door opening shocks Remus out of his stupor. “Sirius, don’t—”
“It’s dying,” he says sharply, and the door slams shut behind him.
Remus blinks, alone in the still-running car.
Sirius didn’t say, It’s still alive!
He didn’t say, We can save it, Remus!
He said, It’s dying.
For some reason, that stuns Remus. Sirius can see that the dog is almost dead. But he still got out of the car.
The next thing Remus knows, he’s outside too, the door closing heavily as he walks towards the front of the sleek car. The cold hits him instantly and he stuffs his hands in his jacket, wishing he had brought a heavier coat.
Sirius approaches the animal without hesitation. It growls weakly, a last line of defense, but Sirius remains undeterred.
“Shhh, hi, sweetheart. Oh you’re pretty banged up, aren’t you? I’m so sorry. They didn’t see you, did they? You blend right into the night.”
The dog must like the way Sirius speaks because its tail picks up and hits the ground just once, a clear canine expression of happiness. Or maybe it’s recognition. Sirius makes himself familiar to everything around him.
“Do you mind if I get a little closer, honey?” he asks the dog kindly. Another thump against the pavement. Sirius lowers himself onto the road beside the poor creature.“That’s it, that’s right. I’m not gonna hurt you.”
What are you going to do? Remus wants to ask. What is there to be done? Remus turns his head to make sure no one comes barreling along the road in either direction while Sirius is sat in the middle of it, as vulnerable as any animal would be to oncoming traffic in the darkness.
Sirius scoots even closer, close enough for the dog to bite him if it wished. It must not. He reaches out a tentative hand towards its snout, seeking permission before touching the wounded animal. The dog pushes his snout against his palm, almost begging to be pet by kind hands, begging to be handled gently after life had been so very rough with it.
“You’re a good dog,” Sirius whispers, voice catching in his throat. His hair is escaping from its low bun, the black strands blowing in the wind, in and out of his face. “You’ve been a good dog.”
His fair skin contrasts the dog’s dark coat as he sinks his fingers into the fur, careful to avoid any injuries. He strokes its head, behind its ears, under its chin. Likely all of its favorite places. One last time. Something jingles faintly under Sirius’ hand and he lets out the smallest, saddest sound, his fingers finding the collar buried in the thick hair around its neck.
“It has a home,” Sirius says, finally looking up at Remus. His eyes are shining, water lining his lower lashes. One blink and the tears will dislodge, sliding down his cheeks. “It has a family— people who c-care—”
“We’ll take the collar with us, okay? My dad might know the owner. We’ll find them. Let them know…” Remus’ voice fades, his breath visible in the night air. He doesn’t seem to be making Sirius feel better anyway.
Sirius’ eyes are on the dog’s now. It seems to be looking back.
“You didn’t deserve this,” he tells it softly.
Remus almost feels like an intruder now, his shadow, elongated and distorted by the headlights, stretching over the two of them, almost like the Shadow of Death observing this sacred passing from one world to another. The dog, in a final show of strength, lifts its head enough to settle against Sirius’ thigh and leaves it there until its chest stops moving. For a while, Sirius doesn’t move either, and Remus is left to stand and watch.
He realizes, doesn’t have much of a choice now. It would be foolish to hold onto residual hatred from a one-off situation in his youth after this. After Sirius bared his soul to him without even meaning to. He has no choice but to acknowledge now that he was wrong. That he’d judged too quickly, too harshly and Sirius… Sirius is not who he thought he was. There he sits, a pretty, rich, city kid in the middle of the road without a jacket in December, getting stains on his $500 jeans just to pet a dog while it dies a slow and painful death. Sympathizing with it. Crying for it.
You didn’t deserve this, Sirius had told it.
This radical act of kindness would have never even occurred to Remus, and he’s from here. He’s seen this exact situation from his car window countless times, his heart always aching for the animal, but never enough to fucking stop. To see if it might need comfort as it dies.
Now Remus is experiencing one of those rare moments in time where he feels every aspect of life happening to him all at once. The cold of the air against his cheeks, the smell of the snow melting against the edges of the pavement, the world a dark blue outside of the halo of light beaming from the car. And Sirius. Sirius is happening to him too. His face, the wetness on his cheeks sparkling in the light, the way his hand stills in the black fur, eyes locked on the head still perched against his thigh.
By anyone’s standards, Sirius is unquestionably beautiful. But this is something else. Something other.
He could be an angel, Remus thinks to himself suddenly, absurdly. He looks like an angel.
“We should move it.” Sirius’ voice is barely loud enough over the wind. “To the side. So no one— so it doesn’t have to get hit again.”
Remus just nods, his mind in a fog. They work together to drag the animal as gently as they can, depositing it in the grass beside the shoulder. Remus gently takes off the collar so Sirius won’t have to, stuffing into his jacket pocket for later. When it’s done, they stand together breathing, white puffs escaping their open mouths. The road remains empty, as if knowing they didn’t need to be interrupted.
Sirius clears his throat after a moment. “You probably think I’m fucking insane now.”
Remus’ eyebrows come together as he frowns. “No. No, I think you’re… good.”
He cringes at his word choice instantly, wishing there was a normal way to tell Sirius he thinks he might be fucking divine somehow, but Sirius just sniffs, laughing softly.
“Good?” He sounds dubious almost.
“That was a good thing you just did. Most people wouldn’t have bothered.”
Sirius tilts his head back and forth. “Yeah, well doing good and being good… Two different things.”
“Not to me,” Remus murmurs.
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